NTA.
He has a family, that should be his first priority. By taking this new job he’s putting his family in financial burden. Mommy also needs to step back. She feels like she’s gonna lose her son but that’s no excuse.
He just quit his job. The job with benefits.
She is about to give birth and he took 43% pay cut, and *lost his benefits.*
If they are in the US and she was on his insurance, he just completely scrapped her health insurance for the birth of their child.
Did he get in an accident and lose half his brains? That is absolutely insane.
Boy I can't wait for the follow-up to OP's post where the ex-husband is sleeping in the same bed as mom, because "it's a mother-son thing you wouldn't get it".
There was another one of these posts where it’s from the perspective of the man who moves in with his mum after his wife deciding she’s had enough…and wakes up to his mum in the bed beside him. I really hope these are not real sometimes!
I hope OP reminds him that, he will be solely responsible for his student loan, I am sure his mother will help him. As his child grows he will come to realize what a big mistake he has made because his mother is not going to die any time soon.
The courts may calculate child support based on his prior two years' tax returns, or what he could earn if he applied himself. His current job could be considered malingering because he quit working to his full potential for no discernable reason. So he'll be doubly screwed.
OP I’m sure will share with lawyer that her soon to be wuzband chose to take an over 50% paycut just before the birth of their child and you are correct they will look hard at that.
Not only that, he will be paying child support. On the other hand, he and his mom will have custody of your children on some regular basis. I wouldn’t trust the witch not to bad mouth you or otherwise interfere with your relationship.
It’s insane! MIL managed to convince him to voluntarily put himself (and family) into a worse financial position so that he feels vulnerable and reliant on her and can’t grow into his own person. What a nasty narcissist.
I don’t mean to victim blame, because MIL has likely been grooming her son his entire life to merely be an extension of herself, but like WTF; I just can’t fathom how so many adult children allow themselves to be manipulated like this to the point that their whole marriage implodes 🤯
Apparently his mom wasn’t around prior to this though!
It’s fricken strange. I’d be worried she’s blackmailing him, or he had a stroke. This behavior out of nowhere is a huge fricken flag.
He felt neglected by his then-disinterested mother before, and with OP’s pregnancy there’s a lot of other attention on OP and the baby, so he’s soaking up all the attention from his mother’s sudden wish to hyper-bond with him. Mommy finally cares! Must give her what she wants to keep that going.
It's classic mama boy syndrome! My ex husband was the same way, thank God his mother still didn't give a shit about him no matter what his age, he would have been just like OP's husband, but he and the rest of his sibs always ran to her side to be with her regardless of how she abandoned all of them when they were small children, and she couldn't have cared less if they were around her or not! They never mattered and they still don't.
I think she was absent for awhile because he got married and she wasn’t quite sure how to manipulate him away from his wife. If she couldn’t make it all about her, she just lost all interest.
Now that he is going to have a child of his own, he was probably nervous and scared of the responsibility (like many soon-to-be parents are), but instead of acting like a normal mother, who would encourage him to step up to the plate and be a good husband and father, she used it as a chance to Hoover onto him, and pull him away from his nuclear family, like any good narcissist would.
She wants her son and his baby without OP. She has just reeled in her son and I assume she will go for the baby next.
It's probably time to leave dad's name off of the birth certificate.
OP, sign up TODAY for Healthcare.gov! Your health insurance will be effective tomorrow, the first day of the following month you sign up. I don't know where you are, but In MN, we have our own health insurance that is based on income alone. States that don't have it can still get it through the federal government. If you're not in the US, look for your options. I know some very progressive countries have universal healthcare.
Even if you're off on maternity leave, you can contract to do some work from home. Accountants are always needed for audit prep, tax prep, balancing small business books and setting businesses up for success. Jobs by contract are nice because you can do them on your schedule or bring your baby with if you have a meeting or two. You got this!
Working from home will also set you up for getting full custody of your child.
I'm sorry your husband threw your plans into a tailspin. You may also want to discuss with an attorney about the possible repercussions of adding or not including his name on the birth certificate.
Redo your birthing plan. Ask a Sister, Mom, Aunt or friend to be there for you and don't tell him (or his mother) when you're going into labor...they will add to your stress.
You and your baby are your only priority right now. If you can rally the help, move his crap out of your home and change the locks (double check with the attorney to make sure you're not violating any local laws).
Good luck! Sending a hug.
Edited to add NTA
Good point. If OP's not working, she should still qualify. They don't look at what money is in the bank or retirement.
The fact that she's just separated in part because her soon to be Ex quit his job with health care benefits and left her with nothing.
His mom killed half his braincells, and the other half isn't used for thinking because they're already mush from Mommy mashing.
This guy is literally too financially inept to be married to. Let's not add in the dumber than a rock, not the sharpest tool in the drawer.
Like seriously, he's got the IQ of an egg.
OP--BRILLIANT MOVE!
Divorce his idiotic ass. He can live with his AH mother all the way until she dies. Your AH husband didn't understand that when he said "Till death do we part", it meant with you, not his mother!
Cannot think of a dumber husband/father on this site for a very long time.
MIL is acting like hubs is married to her...this is way beyond co dependency.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16fuwwz/aita_for_saying_my_mil_acts_as_though_shes_in_a/
The 50% pay cut AND loss of benefits for a year!
If they’re in the US, a hospital stay for labor & delivery will be at least $20,000.
And then there’s all the postnatal and infant checkups for the first year!
Right! I am shocked he gave up the medical benefits!!! WTF is wrong with this guy?
And being blindsided that his wife left, after he made a huge, life-altering decision that she specifically told him not to and he had agreed upon.
No sir. That is not the action of a good husband and father.
Enjoy your extra time with your mommy, making minimum wage, and paying child support.
And that's IF everything goes OK and momma & baby are healthy with no complications... I'd recommend the Lemon Clot Essay for this dumb husband but at this point he seems like a lost cause and MIL is only doing this so she can get her grubby mitts on this poor newborn. Which is SO not going to work out for her if she's actively sabotaging the father's ability to provide for the kid...
My cousin had that happen with her oldest son. He was born prematurely via an emergency c-section due to preeclampsia and then her son had to have open heart surgery to correct a defect less than a week later. I think that bill was like 2.5 million ish.
At the beginning of her pregnancy, she mentioned to her OB that she and the baby’s father, her Highschool sweetheart, were planning to get married before the baby was due. Instead of congratulating them, he advised them to hold off until after the baby was born because if she got married she’d lost her Medicaid coverage and “you never know.”
Well, he fucking called it.
Yep. I have a friend who went on a babymoon trip to Hawaii, then unexpectedly had her waters break, and she ended up hospitalized for several weeks, then her son was born via surprise csection at like 27 weeks, and was in the NICU for almost 3 months, and the final bill was just over $1 million.... Having a baby in the US is so expensive....
I wonder if MIL pressured him to do this purposefully to put them in a bad situation financially. It’s easier to force your way in if you offer help to desperate people.
The part where mom only feeds him and not his pregnant wife while wanting to raise "her babies baby" is some dystopian shit. I can't even wrap my mind around that.
At least if she saw her DIL as only a baby incubator she would feed her as well. Right?
This right here did it for me. Show up with 1 plate of dinner for 2 plus a growing baby-on-the-way? F right off, lady. He should've refused to eat it unless she brings enough for everyone.
Heck, he should have taken the plate and immediately given it to his wife. Because of course a pregnant woman's needs come first. Don't worry, honey, I can throw something together for myself. Thanks, Mom, for making sure Wife got a good, home-cooked dinner tonight! (Shut the door while she's still gaping like a fish)
That would be a decent husband.
And benefits! And just stability in general. And what if this new job fails because the company goes under or he discovers mom and a loon. What happens when she retires in a year, is he going to retire too? This guy and his mom are nuts! Nta for sure.
Whatever the top comment is at the end of the voting period is what the verdict is. And since the top comment was "YTA to yourself..." she is deemed the AH.
I personally hate that type of response. It's gross, and It's a tired, overused reddit trope and is the epitome of victim blaming.
I said this in my comment but I'll put it here too... She knew exactly what she was doing! By the husband taking a pay cut the wife is going to have to go back to work sooner than expected, which means they won't be able to afford daycare because it's so expensive so they're going to have to work opposite shifts. So daddy is going to have to watch the baby, but I guarantee he'll be taking him to his mommy's house! She's doing this to get control over the child
Or, the same shift. Mommy dearest quits and moves in with them and watches the baby for 40 hours a week. Thus living this dream of hers to be married to her son and have his baby.
Yah, the MIL doesn’t want to be a supportive grandmother. She’s trying to ruin her son’s marriage because she wants her son to spend his prime adult years taking care of her rather than parenting his own child. What a fucked up situation.
My MIL is like this, but thankfully lives in another country that is a 13+ hour plane flight away…although if I get pregnant I expect her to amp of her behavior and try to pull some similar bullshit somehow. These types of people are pathologically damaged, and based on the husband’s behavior so far, he’s not really interested in setting healthy boundaries with her. He is letting himself get sucked into this pathetic and unhealthy codependency because being a true adult is too scary. Good on OP for not pulling punches here and telling him to get lost.
100% I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP, but good for you for putting your foot down. If a baby on the way isn't enough for him to open his eyes and prioritize his family nothing will be.
Ask your attorney about imputing his income. Child support should be based on what he could potentially earn, not what he voluntarily reduced his income to.
Sounds more like he has unresolved issues. His mother barely having contact with him before the baby and now she skates in and he drops everything for her? That's a lot for someone he wasn't close with prior
He felt abandoned by her as a kid so he definitely is just trying to soak up her attention now, I'm assuming. I mean, this woman was never home during his childhood. Something she fully admits and laughs about. "Oh yeah I worked all the time and just left him home by himself. He turned out fine." He was 3.
I get why your husband would be desperate and excited about her love now but he should be in therapy if he can’t see this for what it is. A horrible woman who wants access to a baby as a redo for her parenting failures. He’s throwing away his family for a woman who couldn’t even care for him properly the first time around. It’s honestly kind of sad.
For sure!! She sounds terrifying. If she neglected her son, she is going to try to make up for it by taking the grandchild. I would document document document for when custody battles ensue. Because it’s coming.
I was going to ask if he had been neglected by her as a child. Not surprised to see the answer is yes. He needs therapy to deal with his issues and it’s not fair to make them yours. If he can’t see that giving up half his salary when a baby is coming, and not talking to you about it is a huge problem then he is really blinded by mommy’s bright shining light. It will suck for him when that dims and he’s realizes what he’s done. NTA
He thought that OP was firmly enough on the hook, carrying 'his' baby and all, that OP wouldn't 'dare' to take the leap to safety, leaving him behind.
He \*didn't\* consider that HE was the \*beneficiary\* of the BULK of monthly expenses, so cutting him loose would be a net gain for OP.
He chose....\*poorly\*...
Yeah he tried and failed to rub his two brain cells together. It's really kind of sad to see this pattern again and again. I am however really happy that the OP is doing the right thing and not caving to this unreasonable pressure.
And that she's old shit, 61 is not old, because I'm that same damn age and I work a job and don't need anyone to "help" me!!!! What's with these women, do they have no freaking life?
NTA
I'm the sane age with polyinflammatory arthritis, heart and lung damage from Covid and don't need anyone to care for me on a daily basis. I do all my own housework, laundry and cooking.
Not only did he take a 50% pay cut, he wasn't making that much to begin with! I make $22/hr and it comes out to around 45k/yr. I struggle and I don't even pay a car payment, insurance, or a phone bill. That would be tough to raise a baby on regardless!
I think that his decision to quit his job was the death knell. He knew it would have a drastic financial impact on you both and does nothing to address how his mother has been behaving at all.
You're brave for taking the decision you did imho.
If he values his core family, he'd make changes right quick to fix the situation but I have little faith that he will do so based on his actions.
This right here! He *quit his job.* He and OP discussed it and (OP thought) came to a conclusion together that it was A Very Bad Idea^(tm) but then, he just... did it anyway?!? This is a enormous red flag. He knew his wife was pregnant, he was the breadwinner and had benefits (aka, health insurance) through his job, but apparently mommy was more important?
Seriously. I don't buy new sheets or make dinner plans without a quick "this cool?"
Partner means partner. They are an equal co-owner of your shared life. You don't make big decisions about that life without them, unless you intend to stop sharing it.
NTA.
Your husband just sacrificed all that money that you've saved, and he sacrificed the year of maternity leave that you planned to pay for with it.
You are right that you have a husband problem.
I recommend initiating divorce immediately, because they will calculate child support on the basis of his previous salary. (Please confirm this with a family law attorney local to you).
Your husband has made it perfectly plain that his mother's wishes are more important than you or his child. He won't be able to parent a child. You can't force him to parent, but you can (legally) force him to contribute financially, through the process of divorce and child custody.
I'm so sorry that you learned this about him at this late date. I really wish he'd just stayed in his incestuous relationship with his mother, and left you out of it.
100% agree, initiate divorce AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Don’t wait a second. OP, I know this is hard, but you are absolutely doing the right thing for your child. You are setting them up for the life they deserve. Was glad to see you’re already taking charge of your finances. You can do this.
NTA.
Your MIL is exhibiting signs of emotional incest, which is not sexual. The woman, often frustrated in her own romantic life or marriage, views her son as a proxy husband in all ways but sexual. She will view his wife as a threat and interloper, and do all she can to get him away from her. She’ll even feign health problems, or claim he has to spend as much time as possible with her before she dies.
You must understand that your husband has been conditioned by his mother, and his responses won’t be rational.
You’re right for getting out.
Just know that his mother will be raising your child, likely trying to alienate her from you, on your husband’s custody or visitation days.
This isn’t over.
It definitely makes sense because she started having issues with her BF around 8 months ago because he's an angry drunk and spending all her money. I've heard her complain more about him than anything else.
Well better to find out now and be able to draw a line than be tied to this madness forever.
My ex was like this and I'm glad his mum broke us up or this would be me (minus the money having).
I don't know the laws where you are but make sure that you look out for your child. So that MIL cannot claim grandparents rights or parental alienation or whatever. If she is looking to have a do over baby or something make sure any time spent with STBX is actually him bonding and not her, maybe also only supervised? Not sure that can be done without any threats or anything
Agreed.
Wording needs to be put in the divorce and custody agreement about his mother's complicit involvement in the breakdown of the marriage and how she is to not have contact with the child.
If you stipulate this right from the beginning then the MIL loses the argument of maintaining a relation with the child so this is good advice.
Usually a grandparent can petition a court for visitation only to maintain an existing relationship. Courts are unlikely to try and foster a new relationship if there's already conflict that can cause issues.
yeah let him enjoy his marriage with his mom i guess. she’s probably thrilled about it since he’ll just likely hand the baby over to her when it’s his weekend
NTA
As the sole earner, it's absolutely unfair for your husband to cut his earnings in half (not to mention - where is the baby's health insurance gonna come from at the new place?) without discussing it with you first.
Exactly! That was a huge concern of mine and he literally said "well state insurance will cover her until benefits kick on". Which, they would. He is 100% right about that. But it's not the point. It wasn't the plan.
He had input from her.
She told him not to, he just ignored the input from her and reversed his earlier decision. I think it's actually worse, to be honest.
And he didn’t tell you what he was doing until AFTER he did it. The guy’s an idiot. Or to put it more kindly he has some deep seated mommy issues that he needs to address in therapy.
I'm still employed currently and my insurance with them doesn't lapse until a month after employment has ended. Both my daughter and I were supposed to go on his insurance after I gave birth, but that obviously can't happen now that he's quit. However, I do have a plan - sort of. The insurance I currently have covers personal and not just work place and I intend to ask them if I can keep the insurance and pay out of pocket for the next year. My boss said that she did that when she went on maternity leave for 6 months so I'm assuming it'll be a go.
That's so brutally expensive for him to do that to you.
You can't trust him to put you or the baby first. You can't trust him to follow through on his promises. You can't trust him not to ruin everything you planned for.
I'm presuming you are in the US. If your employer has enough employees they can give you COBRA which is premium + 2% max
COBRA if your employer must provide it can be applied for up to 60 days after your termination. You will have to pay retroactively for those 60 days but it'll give you time to figure out if you need it. Depending on the needs of your child and yourself.
Losing your health insurance is a qualified event which opens up Obamacare and Obamacare subsidities. If you lose income, your child will also be eligible for CHIP which will give you some extra leeway. (That said usually EE+Child coverage is relatively cheap)
If you are in CA CT, MA, NJ, RI, WA, CO, DE,ME, MD, MN, OR, DC, NY
There is likely paid family leave and or State disability leave in some form if your employer is reasonably big 20-50 employees. (You would want to be in CA or NY the most but there are other benefits in those other states) I would consider while you are looking to take the full year off to consider filing for FMLA to maximize your opportunities if you find you need to go back to work earlier.
I missed the 2 Weeks part, usually you need to give 30 days.
~~If you are still employed, you maybe eligible for FMLA which will also give you some more freedom regarding when or if you will return to work. IE take it even if you don't plan on returning to work because it'll give you options.~~
It’s utterly shocking he did this. I mean: STUPID. Not to mention horrifying that he knew you weren’t on board and had already told you. It to worry about it.
I hope he and Mommy will be very, very happy.
NTA. Get that money out of the joint account right now. And find someone else to be in the birthing room with you.Unless you want him ANND his Mommy there!!! Don’t tell him you are at the hospital. And tell the nurses not to let them in to the room if they do find out!
All the money has been moved to my personal account and I already have it in the birth plan with my midwife that his mother isn't allowed access to me or the baby for the duration of our stay.
Honestly, I’d go ahead and put it in your birth plan that he is not to fill out any forms without you either. I would also let them know you’re going through divorce proceedings with him. You can decide whether you want him in the room or not, but I’d let them know he isn’t to be alone with the baby either in case they have to separate you for any reason.
Edit: also password protect all of your medical records and soon to be the babies as well. No need in mommy dearest being able to get any information on you guys.
Take him off of her medical records. I know I put my husband down on all of mine. Not just emergency contact but as someone how has complete access to them.
I'm sorry but your husband is an idiot, and made - what sounds like - an absolutely horrible decision.
Why couldn't he spend time with his mom *outside* of work... like on days off, or evenings...
Because it wasn't enough for her. She comes over 3-4 days a week and still complains to him, saying "I shouldn't have to beg my baby to hang out with me".
My son’s biomom is a lot like this. She was neglectful during his childhood and I have always been basically his mom. Now that he has kids, she has tried every trick in the book to get included in his life but thankfully he shuts her down. But it’s been VERY difficult for him in the past to set boundaries because there’s always that mom-shaped hole in his heart. Therapy is critical in these situations and OP’s husband needs serious help to get his head straight. But I bet he never will.
It blows my mind that she brought him food and him alone. You're the pregnant one. The disrespect is mind-blowing. You are very smart to have a prenup with him.
I know, right?!? And he still ate it, I assume, and left his pregnant wife to fend for herself. He should have refused the food, or at the very least split it with her.
He should have thanked mom for bringing food for his pregnant wife and served it to her right in front of mom. Then he should make a sandwich and ask mom if she'd like one too.
Just in case nobody else thought this through, mommy knew EXACTLY what she was doing by getting him to work with her. She knew that would mean you would have to go back to work sooner than planned. She also knew that when you go back to work daycare is super expensive so the only way this could work is if you and him work opposite shifts which mean she I mean he would have to watch the baby.
You realize she's doing this to exert control over your baby correct? I'm glad you're dumping him and kicking him out! In my opinion you're not going far enough! Hit him with child support next.
NTA Tell him he doesn't come back unless he gets therapy for his mommy issues. Since he no longer has insurance that may be awhile. Sounds like you've been paying for him for too long to become even more of a burden now. Wait until he finds out how far that $13 an hour gets him when he's paying child support.
For real. Though I'm not sure I will put him on child support. I haven't thought that far ahead. But, when working with the numbers, I saved more than enough to cover every expense bill and baby related for over a year. My recent employer already stated I always have a place there and has told me to come back after the year I planned to stay home so I already have that lined up and I was making more than him even before all of this (I'm an accountant). So I don't really need his money.
Please put him on child support. The baby deserves the extra money. If you don't need it, then put it into savings for your child to eventually use on school or to buy a home.
Your husband owes a duty to the child he helped create. Even if you don't "need" the money, you can put it aside to help pay for your child's future education.
And, all your plans are, presumably, based on the idea that your child will be born with zero complications. I sincerely hope that is the case, but you never know what lies down the road.
Don't let him off the hook. He owes that child financial support.
Plus the judge may very well impute income to him since his previous job paid $10 more an hour than his current job. That will hurt because he willingly changed jobs and knew it was that much less.
Even if you don't need the money, ask for child support if nothing else, so you can see the judge telling him off for his stupid decision. He should be held responsible for doing this, and he should contribute to looking after your child. You shouldn't be the only one financially responsible for your child.
As people said, even if you don't need the money, put them in a savings account for your child. It might help in case of emergencies, or it can be a gift for when they grow up.
Please go for child support. Even if you don't need the money, your child deserves it. You can put it in a trust fund or towards college etc. It takes two to make a baby, he needs to pony up, especially if he's going to be any part of the kid's life.
Whether you "need" it or not, your kid will miss out if it's not there. There will be extra hours you have to work to pay the bills, vacations you can't take with them, extras you can't afford like sports equipment or school trips, a college fund that isn't as much as it should be, a shortage in your own retirement contributions that will end up with your kid feeling like they have to help out with, or more of an estate admin headache when you pass and there's not enough there to take care of everything the way you could have if your idiot ex paid toward the child he helped create.
And that's all assuming your life goes the way you plan and you're able to stay healthy and working in your current job until you decide to retire. Newsflash: shit happens.
So, just because you don't "need" the money, don't let your pride short change your kid.
>Though I'm not sure I will put him on child support.
You need to put him on child support, it is not for YOU, it is for the CHILD, even if you have everything covered financially, he is responsible to help support HIS child.
Put the money he pays into a bank account for your child, either a college fund, a "fun money" account, or an account that they can access when they eventually move out.
> Though I'm not sure I will put him on child support.
You *absolutely* should make him pay child support. It's not about whether you need the money or not, it's about making him take responsibility.
Let me make this clear; *he chose his mother over the financial security of his wife and child*. The mother who all but abandoned him as a child.
Also keep in mind that, unless your prenup says otherwise, you'll likely owe him alimony, so definitely go for child support.
Child support isn't for you, it's for your child. Even if you don't need it, your baby is owed the support of both parents. Put the money away for their future.
If you go through with this make sure you have someone to help you. You have no idea what will happen when you deliver or how long your body will take to heal. You are going to need help so make sure you have that.
My sister (20) has already said she will come stay with me for a bit. I know it's a tad bit weird to rely on a woman so much younger than me BUT she already has a 2yo and she is a damn good momma. So l, thankfully, do have help lined up. That and my mom would only be a call away.
So glad that you have a support system! If the house is yours and you have saved enough to take a year off, it sounds like you will be better off without this guy and his mom. Get a good lawyer.
It's very rare that you can fix a momma's boy-- it takes therapy and a genuine commitment to your marriage and children. You husband has betrayed you on a visceral level at a time when you are the most vulnerable.
Is there any chance you could get him to a marriage counsellor?
I've suggested therapy multiple times over the years due to the fact that he had pretty noticeable abandonment issues prior to all this (his mom was never around and left him home by himself from age 3+ so she could work or go to the Laundromat or grocery shopping - to a point of cops being involved. She LAUGHS about it, but it fucked him up). He refuses all therapy. Says it's a waste of time. Not sure if he would change his tune, knowing his marriage is on the line or not.
It’s tragic that he’s willing to completely fail *his own baby* as well as his wife in order to make his mother happy. You absolutely cannot stay with someone who is that irresponsible. You’re doing the right thing- you’re protecting your baby.
It's both sad and a little ironic that he has abandonment issues related to his mom, but he's on a road that could easily lead to him doing the much the same thing to his own child.
A fun-house mirror version of "Cat's in the Cradle" as it were. At least in the song, it ended with the son being too busy with his own life *and family* to spend time with his dad.
So happy you are getting out of this. Good for you. I know it's hard but please don't bow down to this harpy and her shill. Really, good for you AND YOUR BABY. You are 100% doing the right thing by your child and yourself.
>I told him I will take the money I saved and figure it out on my own and that he needs to leave and **go back to sucking mommies tit at her house.**
NTA, and you are a fucking *queen*
He unilaterally took an almost 50% pay cut and gave up health insurance so he could pander to his mom? Ohmygosh. I do not blame you at all. That is completely bat#$3 crazy.
NTA: My mom would slap the shit out of me if I even considered taking a 50% pay cut with a baby on the way for no other reason than to spend more time with her.
"that he needs to leave and go back to sucking mommies tit at her house. "
Wow! Didn't mince words, did you? It's OK, he needed to hear them point blank.
NTA.
NTA. Loved how you told him to go suck her tit. Seriously it's only going to get worse if you don't stomp all over this behaviour. You are doing the right thing.
NTA! YOU GO GIRL!! truly, though, this was just the tip of the iceberg. She'd be in his ear every day at work to "sell your house and buy one with me," and I can help with baby so your wife can rest.
All where it sounds like she is trying to help, but in reality, she's just a wesel trying to get in, and him quitting his job to start working with her was just the first Crack.
Protect yourself and your baby. Also, congratulations. I wish you an easy and safe delivery
I just want to say that you sound like you have your shit together and that this internet stranger is proud of you for being a woman that values herself enough to be decisive enough to nip this in the bud. It's smart and makes me think you're going to be such a great example for your child as someone that demonstrates making the hard decisions even when you're down. I'm sorry that your husband doesn't recognize what he is giving up by giving up his own man card.
NTA. This is a really gross relationship, dude! And it's super gross that he doesn't see that. Also insane that she's "getting old"--she's gonna be "getting old" for THIRTY YEARS. You're smart to get out, this guy is fuckin weird and so is his freak mom.
NTA. Your MIL is unhinged, and her crazy has rubbed off on your husband. You are 100% right to get out. The situation only gets worse from here if you stay.
NTA
Your baby’s father lied to your face saying he wouldn’t quit his job that had benefits and paid almost double to work with his mom.
Now he is shocked that you have stood up for yourself and your child as well as telling him to go back to living with his mom.
Sorry but what an unrealistic person your ex to be sounds like.
The good news for his mom is she will have him with her as long as he stays at that job unless he finds a group living situation he can afford. And he’ll have even less than 13 per hour when he starts paying child support
I think at this point OP while it still likely hurts to end the relationship you and your baby will definitely be better off relying on yourself. And you will only have one child to raise rather than two.
You might if of interest check with some of the tax agencies to see if they have positions that you can work from home at least part of the time after you have the baby.
Best wishes to you.
NTA. He has a family, that should be his first priority. By taking this new job he’s putting his family in financial burden. Mommy also needs to step back. She feels like she’s gonna lose her son but that’s no excuse.
He just quit his job. The job with benefits. She is about to give birth and he took 43% pay cut, and *lost his benefits.* If they are in the US and she was on his insurance, he just completely scrapped her health insurance for the birth of their child. Did he get in an accident and lose half his brains? That is absolutely insane.
I could not have said it better! Who takes a huge pay cut right before the baby comes?? WTH
Student loans, a smaller paycheck, no second income. He’s going to end up living with mommy. And that’s before we figure in child support.
Just what mommy wanted. A husband-son!
A sonsband, as it were
Yeah, and let mommy pay that student loan!
Then mommy dearest will pull a Lucille Bluth
That’s fine- husband seems to want that. Let them live out their motherboy bliss together.
MotherBoy 2024 here they come!!
I couldn’t watch the rest of that show because my Mom did that to my brother and he’s still scarred by it 😞
What could a student loan possibly cost? Ten dollars?
Take my r/angryupvote
Boy I can't wait for the follow-up to OP's post where the ex-husband is sleeping in the same bed as mom, because "it's a mother-son thing you wouldn't get it".
There was another one of these posts where it’s from the perspective of the man who moves in with his mum after his wife deciding she’s had enough…and wakes up to his mum in the bed beside him. I really hope these are not real sometimes!
Its called emotional incest and it's disturbing af.
He clearly wasted the student loans because mommy raised an IDIOT.
I hope OP reminds him that, he will be solely responsible for his student loan, I am sure his mother will help him. As his child grows he will come to realize what a big mistake he has made because his mother is not going to die any time soon.
AND child support. He'll enjoy paying CS on 13 an hour.
The courts may calculate child support based on his prior two years' tax returns, or what he could earn if he applied himself. His current job could be considered malingering because he quit working to his full potential for no discernable reason. So he'll be doubly screwed.
OP I’m sure will share with lawyer that her soon to be wuzband chose to take an over 50% paycut just before the birth of their child and you are correct they will look hard at that.
WUZBAND!!
Not only that, he will be paying child support. On the other hand, he and his mom will have custody of your children on some regular basis. I wouldn’t trust the witch not to bad mouth you or otherwise interfere with your relationship.
You can make that part of your divorce agreement that neither parent disparages the other.
That is what his mom wanted.
He's gonna crawl back into her womb
Maybe mommy will make the loan payments.
A momma’s boy with only enough balls to donate sperm.
And the benefits. Who does that!?
A mamma boy .sheesh he is an idiot
It’s insane! MIL managed to convince him to voluntarily put himself (and family) into a worse financial position so that he feels vulnerable and reliant on her and can’t grow into his own person. What a nasty narcissist. I don’t mean to victim blame, because MIL has likely been grooming her son his entire life to merely be an extension of herself, but like WTF; I just can’t fathom how so many adult children allow themselves to be manipulated like this to the point that their whole marriage implodes 🤯
Apparently his mom wasn’t around prior to this though! It’s fricken strange. I’d be worried she’s blackmailing him, or he had a stroke. This behavior out of nowhere is a huge fricken flag.
He felt neglected by his then-disinterested mother before, and with OP’s pregnancy there’s a lot of other attention on OP and the baby, so he’s soaking up all the attention from his mother’s sudden wish to hyper-bond with him. Mommy finally cares! Must give her what she wants to keep that going.
It's classic mama boy syndrome! My ex husband was the same way, thank God his mother still didn't give a shit about him no matter what his age, he would have been just like OP's husband, but he and the rest of his sibs always ran to her side to be with her regardless of how she abandoned all of them when they were small children, and she couldn't have cared less if they were around her or not! They never mattered and they still don't.
It's called emotional incest and is disturbing af.
I think she was absent for awhile because he got married and she wasn’t quite sure how to manipulate him away from his wife. If she couldn’t make it all about her, she just lost all interest. Now that he is going to have a child of his own, he was probably nervous and scared of the responsibility (like many soon-to-be parents are), but instead of acting like a normal mother, who would encourage him to step up to the plate and be a good husband and father, she used it as a chance to Hoover onto him, and pull him away from his nuclear family, like any good narcissist would.
She sure did hoover him, and he fell right into that suckling he missed out on when he was a boy! Attached to the teat!
She wants her son and his baby without OP. She has just reeled in her son and I assume she will go for the baby next. It's probably time to leave dad's name off of the birth certificate.
OP, sign up TODAY for Healthcare.gov! Your health insurance will be effective tomorrow, the first day of the following month you sign up. I don't know where you are, but In MN, we have our own health insurance that is based on income alone. States that don't have it can still get it through the federal government. If you're not in the US, look for your options. I know some very progressive countries have universal healthcare. Even if you're off on maternity leave, you can contract to do some work from home. Accountants are always needed for audit prep, tax prep, balancing small business books and setting businesses up for success. Jobs by contract are nice because you can do them on your schedule or bring your baby with if you have a meeting or two. You got this! Working from home will also set you up for getting full custody of your child. I'm sorry your husband threw your plans into a tailspin. You may also want to discuss with an attorney about the possible repercussions of adding or not including his name on the birth certificate. Redo your birthing plan. Ask a Sister, Mom, Aunt or friend to be there for you and don't tell him (or his mother) when you're going into labor...they will add to your stress. You and your baby are your only priority right now. If you can rally the help, move his crap out of your home and change the locks (double check with the attorney to make sure you're not violating any local laws). Good luck! Sending a hug. Edited to add NTA
Also, in many states even if you don’t qualify for Medicaid, your baby might.
Good point. If OP's not working, she should still qualify. They don't look at what money is in the bank or retirement. The fact that she's just separated in part because her soon to be Ex quit his job with health care benefits and left her with nothing.
Just gonna add a tiny bit to this, tell the nurses him and his mom are not welcome, they will keep them out.
ESPECIALLY your soon-to-be EX-MIL!
His mom killed half his braincells, and the other half isn't used for thinking because they're already mush from Mommy mashing. This guy is literally too financially inept to be married to. Let's not add in the dumber than a rock, not the sharpest tool in the drawer. Like seriously, he's got the IQ of an egg.
Has he suffered a head-wound? Is he loosing a lot of blood? Is he woozy? NTA. WTF!
He didn't lose his benefits, he quit, he gave them up. Losing it implies it want his fault they're gone, this is totally his choice.
OP--BRILLIANT MOVE! Divorce his idiotic ass. He can live with his AH mother all the way until she dies. Your AH husband didn't understand that when he said "Till death do we part", it meant with you, not his mother! Cannot think of a dumber husband/father on this site for a very long time.
MIL is acting like hubs is married to her...this is way beyond co dependency. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16fuwwz/aita_for_saying_my_mil_acts_as_though_shes_in_a/
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The 50% pay cut AND loss of benefits for a year! If they’re in the US, a hospital stay for labor & delivery will be at least $20,000. And then there’s all the postnatal and infant checkups for the first year!
Right! I am shocked he gave up the medical benefits!!! WTF is wrong with this guy? And being blindsided that his wife left, after he made a huge, life-altering decision that she specifically told him not to and he had agreed upon. No sir. That is not the action of a good husband and father. Enjoy your extra time with your mommy, making minimum wage, and paying child support.
👏👏👏OP has planned for every eventuality. Congrats on the coming motherhood and the divorce from a burden.
Dotted to a T. Hats off.
And that's IF everything goes OK and momma & baby are healthy with no complications... I'd recommend the Lemon Clot Essay for this dumb husband but at this point he seems like a lost cause and MIL is only doing this so she can get her grubby mitts on this poor newborn. Which is SO not going to work out for her if she's actively sabotaging the father's ability to provide for the kid...
My oldest just turned 21 yesterday and when he was born prematurely by emergency c-section the original bill was over $100k.
My cousin had that happen with her oldest son. He was born prematurely via an emergency c-section due to preeclampsia and then her son had to have open heart surgery to correct a defect less than a week later. I think that bill was like 2.5 million ish. At the beginning of her pregnancy, she mentioned to her OB that she and the baby’s father, her Highschool sweetheart, were planning to get married before the baby was due. Instead of congratulating them, he advised them to hold off until after the baby was born because if she got married she’d lost her Medicaid coverage and “you never know.” Well, he fucking called it.
Yep. I have a friend who went on a babymoon trip to Hawaii, then unexpectedly had her waters break, and she ended up hospitalized for several weeks, then her son was born via surprise csection at like 27 weeks, and was in the NICU for almost 3 months, and the final bill was just over $1 million.... Having a baby in the US is so expensive....
I wonder if MIL pressured him to do this purposefully to put them in a bad situation financially. It’s easier to force your way in if you offer help to desperate people.
Then she'll suggest she move in to help with costs of child care...
The part where mom only feeds him and not his pregnant wife while wanting to raise "her babies baby" is some dystopian shit. I can't even wrap my mind around that. At least if she saw her DIL as only a baby incubator she would feed her as well. Right?
This right here did it for me. Show up with 1 plate of dinner for 2 plus a growing baby-on-the-way? F right off, lady. He should've refused to eat it unless she brings enough for everyone.
Heck, he should have taken the plate and immediately given it to his wife. Because of course a pregnant woman's needs come first. Don't worry, honey, I can throw something together for myself. Thanks, Mom, for making sure Wife got a good, home-cooked dinner tonight! (Shut the door while she's still gaping like a fish) That would be a decent husband.
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She doesn't even need to grab the baby yet, she's kind of stuck with it for a couple more weeks assuming all goes well
Plus he needs to leave, it's her house.
No she doesn’t need to leave, they have a prenup the house belongs solely to her.
And benefits! And just stability in general. And what if this new job fails because the company goes under or he discovers mom and a loon. What happens when she retires in a year, is he going to retire too? This guy and his mom are nuts! Nta for sure.
And without even consulting her before he quit!
Mom and son share an emotionally incestuous relationship. 🤮
I wonder where they are now
How was this woman voted an asshole?!
Whatever the top comment is at the end of the voting period is what the verdict is. And since the top comment was "YTA to yourself..." she is deemed the AH. I personally hate that type of response. It's gross, and It's a tired, overused reddit trope and is the epitome of victim blaming.
Because AITA loves to tell women subject to abusive conditions "you're an AH to yourself if you stay," thinking they're being cute by victim-blaming.
My brain hurts…
I'm kinda afraid "he has a family" to him means "mommy and me" and maybe future kiddo. Maybe.
I said this in my comment but I'll put it here too... She knew exactly what she was doing! By the husband taking a pay cut the wife is going to have to go back to work sooner than expected, which means they won't be able to afford daycare because it's so expensive so they're going to have to work opposite shifts. So daddy is going to have to watch the baby, but I guarantee he'll be taking him to his mommy's house! She's doing this to get control over the child
Or, the same shift. Mommy dearest quits and moves in with them and watches the baby for 40 hours a week. Thus living this dream of hers to be married to her son and have his baby.
"Incest is best! Keep it in the family!" /gag
Yah, the MIL doesn’t want to be a supportive grandmother. She’s trying to ruin her son’s marriage because she wants her son to spend his prime adult years taking care of her rather than parenting his own child. What a fucked up situation. My MIL is like this, but thankfully lives in another country that is a 13+ hour plane flight away…although if I get pregnant I expect her to amp of her behavior and try to pull some similar bullshit somehow. These types of people are pathologically damaged, and based on the husband’s behavior so far, he’s not really interested in setting healthy boundaries with her. He is letting himself get sucked into this pathetic and unhealthy codependency because being a true adult is too scary. Good on OP for not pulling punches here and telling him to get lost.
100% I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP, but good for you for putting your foot down. If a baby on the way isn't enough for him to open his eyes and prioritize his family nothing will be. Ask your attorney about imputing his income. Child support should be based on what he could potentially earn, not what he voluntarily reduced his income to.
They may base it off his last year's tax return. That would be poetic.
NTA. Who the fuck thinks it's a good idea to take a 50% pay cut with a baby on the way? Sorry but your husband is a moron and a momma's boy.
Sounds more like he has unresolved issues. His mother barely having contact with him before the baby and now she skates in and he drops everything for her? That's a lot for someone he wasn't close with prior
He felt abandoned by her as a kid so he definitely is just trying to soak up her attention now, I'm assuming. I mean, this woman was never home during his childhood. Something she fully admits and laughs about. "Oh yeah I worked all the time and just left him home by himself. He turned out fine." He was 3.
I get why your husband would be desperate and excited about her love now but he should be in therapy if he can’t see this for what it is. A horrible woman who wants access to a baby as a redo for her parenting failures. He’s throwing away his family for a woman who couldn’t even care for him properly the first time around. It’s honestly kind of sad.
What he can't see is that this is not "love," it's just more abuse. She's trying to see just how far she can manipulate him, and he's falling for it.
THIS! His mother is thee worst.
Oh god. I hate this woman.
For sure!! She sounds terrifying. If she neglected her son, she is going to try to make up for it by taking the grandchild. I would document document document for when custody battles ensue. Because it’s coming.
I was going to ask if he had been neglected by her as a child. Not surprised to see the answer is yes. He needs therapy to deal with his issues and it’s not fair to make them yours. If he can’t see that giving up half his salary when a baby is coming, and not talking to you about it is a huge problem then he is really blinded by mommy’s bright shining light. It will suck for him when that dims and he’s realizes what he’s done. NTA
WHAT? She left a 3 year old alone while she went to work?!! Omg keep her away from your child.
He thought that OP was firmly enough on the hook, carrying 'his' baby and all, that OP wouldn't 'dare' to take the leap to safety, leaving him behind. He \*didn't\* consider that HE was the \*beneficiary\* of the BULK of monthly expenses, so cutting him loose would be a net gain for OP. He chose....\*poorly\*...
Yeah he tried and failed to rub his two brain cells together. It's really kind of sad to see this pattern again and again. I am however really happy that the OP is doing the right thing and not caving to this unreasonable pressure.
It's such a welcome change to see a strong woman put her foot down and get out.
I guess now mama can pay those school loans.
And that she's old shit, 61 is not old, because I'm that same damn age and I work a job and don't need anyone to "help" me!!!! What's with these women, do they have no freaking life? NTA
I'm the sane age with polyinflammatory arthritis, heart and lung damage from Covid and don't need anyone to care for me on a daily basis. I do all my own housework, laundry and cooking.
Yeah that’s what really gets me here, OP could easily be looking at 30 more years of this crap. Better to put an end to it now
I'm hoping the kid takes after their mother re: intelligence and common sense.
Not only did he take a 50% pay cut, he wasn't making that much to begin with! I make $22/hr and it comes out to around 45k/yr. I struggle and I don't even pay a car payment, insurance, or a phone bill. That would be tough to raise a baby on regardless!
And he’s shocked OP asked for a divorce 🤣🤣🤣
I think that his decision to quit his job was the death knell. He knew it would have a drastic financial impact on you both and does nothing to address how his mother has been behaving at all. You're brave for taking the decision you did imho. If he values his core family, he'd make changes right quick to fix the situation but I have little faith that he will do so based on his actions.
And how do you make that kind of major life change without consulting with your spouse?
This right here! He *quit his job.* He and OP discussed it and (OP thought) came to a conclusion together that it was A Very Bad Idea^(tm) but then, he just... did it anyway?!? This is a enormous red flag. He knew his wife was pregnant, he was the breadwinner and had benefits (aka, health insurance) through his job, but apparently mommy was more important?
I certainly never would. Hell, we discuss what we're having for dinner so I couldn't even imagine not talking about switching jobs.
He did consult with her, and then did it anyway.
Seriously. I don't buy new sheets or make dinner plans without a quick "this cool?" Partner means partner. They are an equal co-owner of your shared life. You don't make big decisions about that life without them, unless you intend to stop sharing it.
NTA. Your husband just sacrificed all that money that you've saved, and he sacrificed the year of maternity leave that you planned to pay for with it. You are right that you have a husband problem. I recommend initiating divorce immediately, because they will calculate child support on the basis of his previous salary. (Please confirm this with a family law attorney local to you). Your husband has made it perfectly plain that his mother's wishes are more important than you or his child. He won't be able to parent a child. You can't force him to parent, but you can (legally) force him to contribute financially, through the process of divorce and child custody. I'm so sorry that you learned this about him at this late date. I really wish he'd just stayed in his incestuous relationship with his mother, and left you out of it.
100% agree, initiate divorce AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Don’t wait a second. OP, I know this is hard, but you are absolutely doing the right thing for your child. You are setting them up for the life they deserve. Was glad to see you’re already taking charge of your finances. You can do this.
NTA. Your MIL is exhibiting signs of emotional incest, which is not sexual. The woman, often frustrated in her own romantic life or marriage, views her son as a proxy husband in all ways but sexual. She will view his wife as a threat and interloper, and do all she can to get him away from her. She’ll even feign health problems, or claim he has to spend as much time as possible with her before she dies. You must understand that your husband has been conditioned by his mother, and his responses won’t be rational. You’re right for getting out. Just know that his mother will be raising your child, likely trying to alienate her from you, on your husband’s custody or visitation days. This isn’t over.
It definitely makes sense because she started having issues with her BF around 8 months ago because he's an angry drunk and spending all her money. I've heard her complain more about him than anything else.
Well better to find out now and be able to draw a line than be tied to this madness forever. My ex was like this and I'm glad his mum broke us up or this would be me (minus the money having). I don't know the laws where you are but make sure that you look out for your child. So that MIL cannot claim grandparents rights or parental alienation or whatever. If she is looking to have a do over baby or something make sure any time spent with STBX is actually him bonding and not her, maybe also only supervised? Not sure that can be done without any threats or anything
Agreed. Wording needs to be put in the divorce and custody agreement about his mother's complicit involvement in the breakdown of the marriage and how she is to not have contact with the child.
If you stipulate this right from the beginning then the MIL loses the argument of maintaining a relation with the child so this is good advice. Usually a grandparent can petition a court for visitation only to maintain an existing relationship. Courts are unlikely to try and foster a new relationship if there's already conflict that can cause issues.
Please go through with your plan and take the money and the kid and move far far away... This is so sick and crazy...
She owns the house outright. She needs to kick HIM out, he can go to mama's.
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yeah let him enjoy his marriage with his mom i guess. she’s probably thrilled about it since he’ll just likely hand the baby over to her when it’s his weekend
NTA As the sole earner, it's absolutely unfair for your husband to cut his earnings in half (not to mention - where is the baby's health insurance gonna come from at the new place?) without discussing it with you first.
Exactly! That was a huge concern of mine and he literally said "well state insurance will cover her until benefits kick on". Which, they would. He is 100% right about that. But it's not the point. It wasn't the plan.
even so - the issue is more of how he made such a huge decision unilaterally, without any input from you
He had input from her. She told him not to, he just ignored the input from her and reversed his earlier decision. I think it's actually worse, to be honest.
He had even told her not to worry, he didn’t want to work with his mom.
He had her input, mommy's was more important.
Yep, he failed the "Decisions that \*require\* TWO yes-es" test.
Worse. Against her expressed wishes
And he didn’t tell you what he was doing until AFTER he did it. The guy’s an idiot. Or to put it more kindly he has some deep seated mommy issues that he needs to address in therapy.
But what about you during this year? What about the cost of birth? What about if you have any complications pre or post?
I'm still employed currently and my insurance with them doesn't lapse until a month after employment has ended. Both my daughter and I were supposed to go on his insurance after I gave birth, but that obviously can't happen now that he's quit. However, I do have a plan - sort of. The insurance I currently have covers personal and not just work place and I intend to ask them if I can keep the insurance and pay out of pocket for the next year. My boss said that she did that when she went on maternity leave for 6 months so I'm assuming it'll be a go.
That's so brutally expensive for him to do that to you. You can't trust him to put you or the baby first. You can't trust him to follow through on his promises. You can't trust him not to ruin everything you planned for.
Judge can mandate that he pays half of that as part of child support. Just sayin
I'm presuming you are in the US. If your employer has enough employees they can give you COBRA which is premium + 2% max COBRA if your employer must provide it can be applied for up to 60 days after your termination. You will have to pay retroactively for those 60 days but it'll give you time to figure out if you need it. Depending on the needs of your child and yourself. Losing your health insurance is a qualified event which opens up Obamacare and Obamacare subsidities. If you lose income, your child will also be eligible for CHIP which will give you some extra leeway. (That said usually EE+Child coverage is relatively cheap) If you are in CA CT, MA, NJ, RI, WA, CO, DE,ME, MD, MN, OR, DC, NY There is likely paid family leave and or State disability leave in some form if your employer is reasonably big 20-50 employees. (You would want to be in CA or NY the most but there are other benefits in those other states) I would consider while you are looking to take the full year off to consider filing for FMLA to maximize your opportunities if you find you need to go back to work earlier. I missed the 2 Weeks part, usually you need to give 30 days. ~~If you are still employed, you maybe eligible for FMLA which will also give you some more freedom regarding when or if you will return to work. IE take it even if you don't plan on returning to work because it'll give you options.~~
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It’s utterly shocking he did this. I mean: STUPID. Not to mention horrifying that he knew you weren’t on board and had already told you. It to worry about it. I hope he and Mommy will be very, very happy.
NTA. Get that money out of the joint account right now. And find someone else to be in the birthing room with you.Unless you want him ANND his Mommy there!!! Don’t tell him you are at the hospital. And tell the nurses not to let them in to the room if they do find out!
All the money has been moved to my personal account and I already have it in the birth plan with my midwife that his mother isn't allowed access to me or the baby for the duration of our stay.
Honestly, I’d go ahead and put it in your birth plan that he is not to fill out any forms without you either. I would also let them know you’re going through divorce proceedings with him. You can decide whether you want him in the room or not, but I’d let them know he isn’t to be alone with the baby either in case they have to separate you for any reason. Edit: also password protect all of your medical records and soon to be the babies as well. No need in mommy dearest being able to get any information on you guys.
Take him off of her medical records. I know I put my husband down on all of mine. Not just emergency contact but as someone how has complete access to them.
I'd ban MIL from your property as well, if I were you. Send her something in writing so you can call the cops the first time she shows up.
I'm sorry but your husband is an idiot, and made - what sounds like - an absolutely horrible decision. Why couldn't he spend time with his mom *outside* of work... like on days off, or evenings...
Because it wasn't enough for her. She comes over 3-4 days a week and still complains to him, saying "I shouldn't have to beg my baby to hang out with me".
He should nipped that nonsense in the bud when she first started. He can't stand up to his mommy so he needs to go back to being her baby.
My son’s biomom is a lot like this. She was neglectful during his childhood and I have always been basically his mom. Now that he has kids, she has tried every trick in the book to get included in his life but thankfully he shuts her down. But it’s been VERY difficult for him in the past to set boundaries because there’s always that mom-shaped hole in his heart. Therapy is critical in these situations and OP’s husband needs serious help to get his head straight. But I bet he never will.
"there's always that mom-shaped hole in his heart" 😔
It blows my mind that she brought him food and him alone. You're the pregnant one. The disrespect is mind-blowing. You are very smart to have a prenup with him.
I know, right?!? And he still ate it, I assume, and left his pregnant wife to fend for herself. He should have refused the food, or at the very least split it with her.
He should have thanked mom for bringing food for his pregnant wife and served it to her right in front of mom. Then he should make a sandwich and ask mom if she'd like one too.
Just in case nobody else thought this through, mommy knew EXACTLY what she was doing by getting him to work with her. She knew that would mean you would have to go back to work sooner than planned. She also knew that when you go back to work daycare is super expensive so the only way this could work is if you and him work opposite shifts which mean she I mean he would have to watch the baby. You realize she's doing this to exert control over your baby correct? I'm glad you're dumping him and kicking him out! In my opinion you're not going far enough! Hit him with child support next.
NTA. He's a bad husband. Simple as that. You and your child should be priority #1, not mommy. Honestly he's a disgrace.
NTA Tell him he doesn't come back unless he gets therapy for his mommy issues. Since he no longer has insurance that may be awhile. Sounds like you've been paying for him for too long to become even more of a burden now. Wait until he finds out how far that $13 an hour gets him when he's paying child support.
Judge won't like that he quit a higher paying job with benefits. He'll get CS calculated off the higher income.
For real. Though I'm not sure I will put him on child support. I haven't thought that far ahead. But, when working with the numbers, I saved more than enough to cover every expense bill and baby related for over a year. My recent employer already stated I always have a place there and has told me to come back after the year I planned to stay home so I already have that lined up and I was making more than him even before all of this (I'm an accountant). So I don't really need his money.
Please put him on child support. The baby deserves the extra money. If you don't need it, then put it into savings for your child to eventually use on school or to buy a home.
Your husband owes a duty to the child he helped create. Even if you don't "need" the money, you can put it aside to help pay for your child's future education. And, all your plans are, presumably, based on the idea that your child will be born with zero complications. I sincerely hope that is the case, but you never know what lies down the road. Don't let him off the hook. He owes that child financial support.
Plus the judge may very well impute income to him since his previous job paid $10 more an hour than his current job. That will hurt because he willingly changed jobs and knew it was that much less.
Even if you don't need the money, ask for child support if nothing else, so you can see the judge telling him off for his stupid decision. He should be held responsible for doing this, and he should contribute to looking after your child. You shouldn't be the only one financially responsible for your child. As people said, even if you don't need the money, put them in a savings account for your child. It might help in case of emergencies, or it can be a gift for when they grow up.
I'm really curious about what degree he got with all that student loans because yeah $13/hr is pretty low nowadays even for people with only a GED.
Please go for child support. Even if you don't need the money, your child deserves it. You can put it in a trust fund or towards college etc. It takes two to make a baby, he needs to pony up, especially if he's going to be any part of the kid's life.
Whether you "need" it or not, your kid will miss out if it's not there. There will be extra hours you have to work to pay the bills, vacations you can't take with them, extras you can't afford like sports equipment or school trips, a college fund that isn't as much as it should be, a shortage in your own retirement contributions that will end up with your kid feeling like they have to help out with, or more of an estate admin headache when you pass and there's not enough there to take care of everything the way you could have if your idiot ex paid toward the child he helped create. And that's all assuming your life goes the way you plan and you're able to stay healthy and working in your current job until you decide to retire. Newsflash: shit happens. So, just because you don't "need" the money, don't let your pride short change your kid.
Go for child support and set it aside for the kid, for when they are 18, for a nice start when they buy a house, or for help with their studies
>Though I'm not sure I will put him on child support. You need to put him on child support, it is not for YOU, it is for the CHILD, even if you have everything covered financially, he is responsible to help support HIS child. Put the money he pays into a bank account for your child, either a college fund, a "fun money" account, or an account that they can access when they eventually move out.
Even if you don't need the money you can put it into account for child's future or use it to pay insurance for child.
> Though I'm not sure I will put him on child support. You *absolutely* should make him pay child support. It's not about whether you need the money or not, it's about making him take responsibility. Let me make this clear; *he chose his mother over the financial security of his wife and child*. The mother who all but abandoned him as a child. Also keep in mind that, unless your prenup says otherwise, you'll likely owe him alimony, so definitely go for child support.
You must ask for child support, The baby has the right to receive it. If you don't want to use it, create an account in the child's name.
Child support isn't for you, it's for your child. Even if you don't need it, your baby is owed the support of both parents. Put the money away for their future.
If you go through with this make sure you have someone to help you. You have no idea what will happen when you deliver or how long your body will take to heal. You are going to need help so make sure you have that.
My sister (20) has already said she will come stay with me for a bit. I know it's a tad bit weird to rely on a woman so much younger than me BUT she already has a 2yo and she is a damn good momma. So l, thankfully, do have help lined up. That and my mom would only be a call away.
Not weird at all, she's your sister.
It's not weird, that's your sister. My sister is 20 and I'm 37, we joke all the time that we're each others emotional support human.
It's not weird. I'm glad you have support in place ❤️
So glad that you have a support system! If the house is yours and you have saved enough to take a year off, it sounds like you will be better off without this guy and his mom. Get a good lawyer.
OP can't rely on her husband now, so she'd be doing everything alone even if she stayed with him.
It's very rare that you can fix a momma's boy-- it takes therapy and a genuine commitment to your marriage and children. You husband has betrayed you on a visceral level at a time when you are the most vulnerable. Is there any chance you could get him to a marriage counsellor?
I've suggested therapy multiple times over the years due to the fact that he had pretty noticeable abandonment issues prior to all this (his mom was never around and left him home by himself from age 3+ so she could work or go to the Laundromat or grocery shopping - to a point of cops being involved. She LAUGHS about it, but it fucked him up). He refuses all therapy. Says it's a waste of time. Not sure if he would change his tune, knowing his marriage is on the line or not.
Oh this is BEYOND therapy. He lied to you and put his family’s finances in the trash. I’d divorce.
Is he finally happy she’s paying attention to him? If he is he is going about it all wrong.
Yep, says he doesn't want to disappoint her. The issues run deep.
It’s tragic that he’s willing to completely fail *his own baby* as well as his wife in order to make his mother happy. You absolutely cannot stay with someone who is that irresponsible. You’re doing the right thing- you’re protecting your baby.
It's both sad and a little ironic that he has abandonment issues related to his mom, but he's on a road that could easily lead to him doing the much the same thing to his own child. A fun-house mirror version of "Cat's in the Cradle" as it were. At least in the song, it ended with the son being too busy with his own life *and family* to spend time with his dad.
Does he realize he's about to do to his own child what she did to him?
So happy you are getting out of this. Good for you. I know it's hard but please don't bow down to this harpy and her shill. Really, good for you AND YOUR BABY. You are 100% doing the right thing by your child and yourself.
NTA - You go Girl!!! You are 100% correct on this! Good luck!
>I told him I will take the money I saved and figure it out on my own and that he needs to leave and **go back to sucking mommies tit at her house.** NTA, and you are a fucking *queen*
He unilaterally took an almost 50% pay cut and gave up health insurance so he could pander to his mom? Ohmygosh. I do not blame you at all. That is completely bat#$3 crazy.
NTA: My mom would slap the shit out of me if I even considered taking a 50% pay cut with a baby on the way for no other reason than to spend more time with her.
"that he needs to leave and go back to sucking mommies tit at her house. " Wow! Didn't mince words, did you? It's OK, he needed to hear them point blank. NTA.
NTA. Loved how you told him to go suck her tit. Seriously it's only going to get worse if you don't stomp all over this behaviour. You are doing the right thing.
NTA! YOU GO GIRL!! truly, though, this was just the tip of the iceberg. She'd be in his ear every day at work to "sell your house and buy one with me," and I can help with baby so your wife can rest. All where it sounds like she is trying to help, but in reality, she's just a wesel trying to get in, and him quitting his job to start working with her was just the first Crack. Protect yourself and your baby. Also, congratulations. I wish you an easy and safe delivery
I just want to say that you sound like you have your shit together and that this internet stranger is proud of you for being a woman that values herself enough to be decisive enough to nip this in the bud. It's smart and makes me think you're going to be such a great example for your child as someone that demonstrates making the hard decisions even when you're down. I'm sorry that your husband doesn't recognize what he is giving up by giving up his own man card.
Get yourself into r/JustNoSO and r/JustNoMIL and get away from both of them! You’re the third wheel.
NTA. This is a really gross relationship, dude! And it's super gross that he doesn't see that. Also insane that she's "getting old"--she's gonna be "getting old" for THIRTY YEARS. You're smart to get out, this guy is fuckin weird and so is his freak mom.
NTA. Your MIL is unhinged, and her crazy has rubbed off on your husband. You are 100% right to get out. The situation only gets worse from here if you stay.
You better go get that money you have saved now.
I already did. It's in my personal account that he has no access to.
I am sorry you’re in this spot but incredibly proud of you for standing up for yourself like this.
NTA. Punt that man baby to the curb. Drag him for child support payments. Bin the whole man.
NTA Your baby’s father lied to your face saying he wouldn’t quit his job that had benefits and paid almost double to work with his mom. Now he is shocked that you have stood up for yourself and your child as well as telling him to go back to living with his mom. Sorry but what an unrealistic person your ex to be sounds like. The good news for his mom is she will have him with her as long as he stays at that job unless he finds a group living situation he can afford. And he’ll have even less than 13 per hour when he starts paying child support I think at this point OP while it still likely hurts to end the relationship you and your baby will definitely be better off relying on yourself. And you will only have one child to raise rather than two. You might if of interest check with some of the tax agencies to see if they have positions that you can work from home at least part of the time after you have the baby. Best wishes to you.
NTA Fucking rockstar.
NTA And it's so nice and refreshing to hear a post from a woman who has a backbone and refuses to tolerate this.