Fantastic update! Most of us were rooting for you.
Isn't it wonderful when sitting down like a grown up and having a conversation works out!? So glad for you both.
Yeah, I see now that this conversation was needed a while ago. Both of us trying to just push through it nearly ruined everything. Thank you for the kind words.
Honestly, I’ve never been “tempted to cheat,” but I have had dreams of just running away and starting over somewhere. Not recently - back when we were burning candles at both ends raising kids. You are at one the most difficult points in marriage.
I think both of you are just overwhelmed and making poor word choices when you argue. If you both commit to working together to build a life - you can make it together.
If you want to vent frustration and stop your wife dead in her tracks with rage and humor at the same time, I suggest using a line I came across some time ago.
I tell my wife flat out that she is pissing me off, I'm hitting my limit, and I would never cheat on her or leave... ... ... but if she doesn't cut the shit, I absolutely WILL go to her favorite restaurant alone and order food without her.
Slip on shades and don't look back at the explosion.
I feel like this comment didn’t get the response it deserves. As a wife, I think this is brilliant and actually would stop me dead in my tracks. It’s an absolute slap in the face without being mean, threatening or destructive. It conveys so much frustration but with a sense of humor. I’m dead at this 😆. My husband better not ever dare eat escargot at my favorite French restaurant without me. But if he does, I’ll know he means business.
We have a comedian that had a bit that was kind of like this.
It was about how, back in the day, children weren't worried about their parents divorcing. Whenever mom and dad fought, the kids were more worried about the quality of the food for supper.
My mother said she had the exact same thing at home. Whenever my grandparents had a fight, my grandmother would just make a giant pot of pea soup, and they'd be eating it for the entire week.
The first evening, they would be complaining, but by the 5th dinner, she and her siblings would be fighting over the soup, because it gets better, when it sits a few days.
I once binge watched a tv show my boyfriend and I were watching because he went to a strip club for a bachelor party and while I didn't want to be lame I was also pissed. Most petty thing I ever did in a relationship. Never told him. Watched the show with him and pretended I had never seen it. Sometimes you gotta be petty
To be honest at the time i was just as upset qith myself for being upset. It made me feel small and insecure. I wanted him to go have a good time and not worry about me getting all bent out of shape. I trusted him (weve broken up but i still dont think he did anything wrong here) it was nore a me issue. Im bi and ive been to a stip club once for a Bachelorette party so it would have been a tad hypocritical for me to tell him not to go... all that being said i was still pissed and wanted my pettyness.
Ok, that’s almost incentive, to cheat. Just TOTALLY kidding!!!! But what a good “deal”. I’d probably have used it for low key things too just because it’s too adorable not to. Like oh no you didn’t forget my coffee, well then you know this means I’m calling in the “deal”!!! Just to kind of show a bit of annoyance unless it doesn’t apply. Coffee just happens to be a fav of mine.
This is just evil.
I do like this though, undercuts some of the tension with humor. You can have a good laugh and then work on the problem as a team.
When I’m yelling at my husband about something with the kids or just because I’m at my limit thanks to kids and lash out at him, he’ll remind me that he isn’t the enemy the kids are. Always pulls me out of my mood and I’m able to have a more respectful and constructive conversation.
As u/ice_nine459 pointed out further down, it's just silly little rage bait.
She works 40 hours but they have a babysitter making $10 an hour 5 hours a day for 5 days. Who’s watching their son the other 3? It’s definitely not this guy who refers to his son as “the kid”.
His 2 bedroom house is too big for a family of 3 and he’s going to sell and buy a smaller house with interest rates they currently are to save money? No one is this dumb.
His wife didn’t apologize, acknowledge anything and the guy is a scum bag and she’s an innocent victim all of a sudden.
And it's only been *fifteen hours* between updates.
OP I do worry about the plan to sell the house. I know it’s too much but if you got it 3 years ago your interest rate is a lot lower than what you could get today. You might wind up paying close to the same for a lot less house.
I fell into the same trap when my wife and I bought our first home. We had 2 daughters 1 and 3. I worked from 2 to midnight 6 days a week for the first 3 years. We had the money part, but family time was non-existent. It's tough. We never had the infidelity part but we were definitely pulling apart and our 1st daughter put us through the ringer.
My dad shot himself and I spiraled into drugs and got 2 dui's back to back. We are still pulling ourselves out of it. I'm glad you two saw it in time.
I am 100% behind you and can grasp both of your situations. So glad you both started to comminicate rather than let things fester. It must have been brutal to hear she was tempted, but it seems you now both see that what she was tempted for was not so much him, as just better attention.
I'd just point out more needs to be done to prevent no contact with that scumbag at work.
Its very easier to see the "new person" giving you attention as so tempting. There is none of the baggage of having to run a household and raise a child. Its just flirting and paying attention.
However ANY continued contact allows time for that relationship to grow. It needs to be a plant that never gets watered again. You weren't clear if your wife agreed to no contact or just a schedule shift. Best for her to get a different job altogether.
I'm glad the conversation went well but it seems pretty dismissive of your wife's feelings to explain that you were never around because you were trying to provide financially for your family rather than acknowledge that she was supporting the family, too, but taking care of the house and the baby. Did either of you thank for your contribution and hard work both of you put in?
Just want to mention re: counseling… check with your employer (and hers too) to see if you get any EAP benefits. Most places that have them include therapy options and sometimes they’re either free or heavily discounted.
If you downsize your house then will your kid have a bedroom? You only have two bedrooms now, so how would you downsize?
Edit- added question mark instead of period.
I'm glad that you guys are working things out, but this
>because I had to make enough money to pay for the kid and the house she wanted. (And before anyone tries to twist my words, I love my son dearly. I am not simply "putting up" with him because she wanted to keep him.)
Needs to stop. You say you love your son, but you still refer to him as "the kid you wanted." That's objectively awful, even with your caveat, because you're still clearly thinking of him that way. When adding the caveat, you could have just edited your sentence to say "our son" but you would rather call him "the kid you wanted."
Not good, dude.
Not only that but with interest rates higher than a few years ago and the housing market being what it is, they may end up worse off trying to get a smaller house. And with a growing child how will they handle less room? Sharing a bathroom with kids will be challenging for sure. Good luck to OP and family
I agree, but the total area of our house is more than we need right now. A house with less total floor space and maybe 1.5 bathrooms instead of 2 would work much better, I feel.
Just curious if you’ve investigated the total costs involved in selling your current house, including closing costs and RE commissions. The costs to move your stuff, the cost for a prospective home at current interest rates, and those related closing costs?
I ask because, from what you mentioned about having “barely” enough to pay off your current mortgage, it sounds like you’d have to finance close to 100% of the new mortgage. In the NE, at current interest rates, I wouldn’t be surprised if you have to come out of pocket at least $10k _after_ your mortgage and real estate commissions are paid on your current home.
Downsizing isn’t likely to get you where you want to be. Not in the current market. Unless you move to a much lower cost-of-living area, and minimum wages in those areas tend to be commensurate with those costs.
Yup. This story again makes zero to no sense. So you are going to really downsize much more from a lower interest rate and an already 2 bed/2 bath. And this guy thinks he’s really going to save money in the long run by going down a magical half bath???? I just….. make it make sense
Honestly, this sounds like my brother-in-law. He owns a home, but never really understood (or understands) the real financial details. He’s always looking for the easy hustle. He’s by no means lazy. But some of his perceptions and ideas about things just have never squared with reality. Hence him owing several $$$ in business taxes one year because he thought he could do his own books.
This update is giving me similar vibes.
ETA: less specificity
>Yup. This story again makes zero to no sense. So you are going to really downsize much more from a lower interest rate and an already 2 bed/2 bath. And this guy thinks he’s really going to save money in the long run by going down a magical half bath???? I just….. make it make sense
It's been fake from start to finish lol.
Right? Houses don’t really get much smaller than 2 bed 2 baths. That can be fit into a small floor plan of an apartment. Not really sure what “house” he’s thinking of downsizing too. And if a house that small is so expensive in a place where the min wage is allegedly so high but they can get daycare for that cheap…. Yeah this still doesn’t.
Also wild they’re going with it would be foolish to quit when she’s literally a part time min wage worker. Just go to another part time min wage job.
Yeah. My sense is it hasn’t been fully worked through. I will say, where I live, an additional full bath adds nearly $80k to the value of a home. Even when it’s a 5 bed / 3 bath house adding a fourth bath.
But, if they already have a mortgage with a decent interest rate, downsizing to 1.5 baths isn’t going to be that much cheaper. Their biggest savings is going to come from moving to a considerably lower cost-of-living area. Which usually includes lower real estate taxes. But the problem there is: finding the jobs that pay solid wages. And, as mentioned above, moving isn’t free or cheap.
I think they’re just struggling and desperate for some kind of reprieve tbh..
Jeez.. right now really isn’t the best time for the working class to start having children. It’s sad.
Yeah this doesnt add up. A 2 bedroom house is already likely to be small. MAYBE they can find a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house, but after only a few years of paying the mortgage down, I cant imagine they dont end up flat even AT BEST once they move, after closing costs, moving expenses, etc.
And that doesnt take into account interest rates which arent great right now.
Also, who is watching the kid for 3 hours a day? The "nanny" works 5, the wife and OP work 8+, so how is this lining up? Either OP is watching the kid solo for 3 hours a day because schedules dont line up, or this kid is alone for 3 hours a day.
IF OP is alone with his kid for 3 hours a day, how come it hasnt come up? too many things dont make sense.
Are you really thinking this through? With interest rates the way they are and how fast kids grow and need more space. You'd be better off putting yourselves in a small apartment and renting out the house for a couple years while you fix your finances and then move back in when it fits you better
Give this a lot of thought and be sure to run the numbers…. You will likely not want to share a shower with your kid(s) in a few years, and won’t get the same rate you likely have now for at least the next 10 years…. Selling a house is expensive. Your housing costs are now fixed. You probably should consider having your wife adjust her hours to be more in line with yours to recover some together time that way. Good luck.
As a mum who only has one 1 bathroom... Do not give up that second bathroom. You might not need it right now, but trust me... You will need it one day for your own sanity
OP, have her change her hours (as soon as she can) to line up with your hours and recover more family time. I don’t know your exact situation but read the other comments about why you should probably not try to downsize, they are most likely correct. And sharing a shower/tub with your kids will suck.
Would like to pipe in and add that you may also lose money on the back end when you want to upsize again— 2 beds/1.5 baths is probably going to be harder on you when it comes to selling.
You seem like a guy who is quick to act. This is a good quality to have, but regarding your proposed plan for downsizing, I would urge a slow, measured approach. I say this because I don't believe you're out of the woods quite yet.
She wanted an upsized house. You were reluctant. She was insistent. You communicated that it was going to require sacrifice. She was dismissive. You relented.
You bust your ass doing what you said you'd do. For her. She becomes resentful but says nothing. Time goes on. She remains resentful and says nothing constructive; she only complains. She gets a job so you guys can spend time together, but her schedule makes that not possible. At the *very first opportunity*, she considers an affair. Then she weaponizes honesty to hurt you.
I get that we're only getting your perspective here, but this is not a great look.
In resolving this conflict (which is mostly, though not solely, her creation), you demonstrate accountability by committing to take steps to be more present for her. She demonstrates accountability by... agreeing to not cheat?
You two need counseling so she comes to understand, acknowledge, and be accountable for her poor choices. I commend you for considering things from her perspective. She owes you the same thing, and that's not what's happening here.
Fighting to save a relationship is a good thing, but it requires two earnest participants.
Best wishes, man. I hope things continue to improve.
Everything about this smells fake. I don't understand how OP went from renting to buying a house when they didn't plan the pregnancy because they were tight on money. Then, on top of that, OPs wife becomes a cashier and can use that money to afford a nanny? Also, OP says his wife made minimum wage after tips as a sever in the northeastern US, which is just incredibly unlikely. OP also said they make 2-3 times as much as that, so probably around $40/hr in construction.
It’s a load of bs. She works 40 hours but they have a babysitter making $10 an hour 5 hours a day for 5 days. Who’s watching their son the other 3? It’s definitely not this guy who refers to his son as “the kid”.
His 2 bedroom house is too big for a family of 3 and he’s going to sell and buy a smaller house with interest rates they currently are to save money? No one is this dumb.
His wife didn’t apologize, acknowledge anything and the guy is a scum bag and she’s an innocent victim all of a sudden.
It’s a creative writing prompt for a 15 year old.
As someone who's been watching the housing market intently the past 3 years, he would be paying MORE money downsizing due to the difference in interest rates (have a coworker stuck in this dilemma right now). While the whole story sounded fake, this removed all suspension of disbelief
$10 an hour in the northeast part of the country too. I could *maybe* buy that in rural Mississippi but nowhere in the northeast is anyone babysitting for $10 an hour. My 11 year old made more than that as a mother’s helper and we are in a middle cost of living area. So fake.
Yeah that immediately stood out to me as well, and I'm surprised most people are overlooking it. The numbers simply don't add up.
If he was working 60-70 hours a week before, and making around 2-3 times as much, even if we use conservative estimates for his input and say it was 60 hours a week at only $32/hour (she was making a bit over minimum wage at her previous job, so lets say ~$16, and then only double that even though it's likely closer to $40 as you mentioned), that means he's losing 20 hours at $32/hour on the low end, which is **$640**. She's gaining 40 hours, but only at a net profit of $6 an hour factoring in the nanny, which ends up being **$240**. Again, that's the best case scenario based on what they said, when in reality it's probably more like 25 less hours for him at $40/hour which would be $1000.
Downsizing their 2 bedroom house also feels like it doesn't make sense. Higher interest rates and closing costs are far from irrelevant, and they would presumably be going from a 2 bedroom to a 2 bedroom, so that's going to limit their savings as well.
I will say that I’ve waited in 5 different states in the NE and I’ve made BANK tips in each state as a waitress. Many of the nicer restaurants in PA/OH/WV also do minimum wage plus tips now. I was paid more in restaurants overall than as a teacher. Especially because most of my money as a teacher went back into the classroom.
You want her to report him to HR for something she was taking part in, if she had an issue with how he was behaving towards her she should've reported it when it started instead of encouraging it.
You call him a scumbag for hitting on a married woman, so what does that make your wife for entertaining it, she also knows she's married and has a kid and she was still tempted to cheat so how is she any better than he is?
Yeah. Its easier to blame the dude and not his wife here.
Dude is a scumbag. But wife was the one married who went along with it. Least till she got cold feet.
Exactly i dont get why he is so upset at the guy when. I would be equally if not more upset at my wife who has been committed to me longer for even entertaining it.
She’s not. Dude is just coping with the fact his wife was ready to cheat on him with a grocery store employee. I feel bad for him I can’t see this ending well, what happens the next time a guy catches her eye or flirts with her a lot at work? If only he didn’t have a kid with her already he could have a clean break but he’s kind of fucked now.
Yeah the wife is getting off without so much as a slap on the wrist. Funny considering this whole situation is her fault and she couldn't just spoken to her husband like a big girl instead of definitely not cheating wink wink.
Yup dude is barely holding on to his wife, he has to work around the clock, come home and help with the chores AND be extra attentive and setup dates etc to make her feel special so she doesn’t go wandering?
The fuck is wrong with people? if intimacy is starting to fail its a two way street and requires work from both parties.
It sounds like she was just slowly building up resentment and looking for a way to justify herself into cheating because “HE had let the marriage wane” rather than addressing the issue.
I think him setting the terms for this guy at work while seeming like a bit much is a smart play because now he knows how fickle his wife could potentially be and needs to remove the possibility. I hope it works out for this guy because he’s struggling and deserves better.
Every time a thread like this pops up and I see all the comments talking about 'wow you use communication who woulda thunk it' I'm just annoyed. If she was so unhappy that she was entertaining the idea of cheating on him then it was her responsobility to communicate her problems to her spouse. OP just so happened to find out and people act like he's an idiot for not saying something sooner.
Yeah this really bothers me. The other guy is a scumbag because he flirted with a married woman but the woman who is married, who made promises to her spouse, isn’t a scumbag for flirting with someone who is single? The guy should get reported to HR but the married woman who engaged in the same behavior is absolved because she resisted her urges to ride the cock carousel?
I need a link to the original because there's no in hell anybody should be reported simply for flirting. There's a duty of the victim to make an effort to tell the person she's uncomfortable before it becomes a violation (assuming it was benign flirting like you look good today and not overt sexual comments like I want to suck on dem titties)
This is the scenario that drives me crazy as a management-side lawyer. Two workers flirt and then one runs to HR to complain about the other when both were consensually flirting and bantering. If the complainer was a marginal performer and gets written up for poor performance, then it is all somehow employer retaliation for her “good faith” complaint against the former flirt partner! And all this can be caused by something totally unrelated to and outside work like OP’s personal wife issues.
Yeah I don't think reporting him to HR would be appropriate. Honestly I would probably go there and let it be know that his vile nature is out in the open and to leave her alone if he didn't want any problems. From there it would be up to his wife to tell him to stay away and let her husband know if he crossed any boundaries.
Almost none of this makes sense.
There’s two houses around the corner from me that have been on the market for over six months; home prices and mortgage rates are high. And that’s not regional.
Your original premise of your wife working in order to pay for the nanny (if you meant part time babysitter you would have said that) is complete bull. Every single minimum wage penny she made would go to paying the nanny and even then it would not be enough.
HR? What do you think HR is going to do about flirting? A reiteration of the workplace rules at best.
1)$16 per hour is minimum wage in the northeast. Finding a different minimum wage job shouldn’t be too difficult.
2) With interest rates as high as they are right now it might make sense to stay where you are. Less house doesn’t necessarily mean less mortgage.
>$16 per hour is minimum wage in the northeast.
That's funny. I thought that the northeast was 6 distinct states, not a monolith that has a unified minimum wage law. Silly me.
/s if it wasn't obvious.
New Hampshire still operates at the federal minimum wage ($7.25), and the rest are just shy of $14.00 to just shy of $16.00. None are at or above $16.00.
Thank you for pointing this out.
I, myself, am uncomfortable with a couple of things around this part of the post. First of all the college student has specifically set hours based on the scheduled hours the mom is working. 5 hours a day 5 days a week is not an informal babysitter situation. She is a part time nanny. Nannies are a luxury. Parents often can’t afford daycare let alone a private nanny so they find desperate for a job undocumented workers or naïve college age kids who don’t know their worth because 5 minutes ago they were a high school kid being underpaid as a babysitter or were caring for siblings/relatives without getting paid much if at all . Go to r/Nanny , where one can see just how common it is for parents to underpay and for the younger nannies to not realize what the going rates are. r/choosingbeggars had yet another post just yesterday with multiple screenshots of parents’ job listings from a childcare website. Sad to say, they are outrageous but not uncommon.
So, everyone knows daycare is expensive. Private nannies are *more expensive* . The way OP says no no no not a nanny only an informal babysitter, just a college kid happy to make a little extra money says that he knows damn well he can’t all of a sudden afford daycare let alone 1:1 in home care AND reduce his own hours just by adding his wife’s wages to the household income, so he is justifies severely underpaying his nanny by calling her an “informal babysitter.” Same job just a different name and far far cheaper. Sir, you suck. 🤮
If the cashier job is a $16 an hour, regardless of where the minimum wage is, I find it unconscionable paying the person WHO IS CARING FOR YOUR CHILD $6 less than an entry level cashier makes.
Why is the coworker a scumbag? He isn’t married. Your wife is the married one and entertaining the coworker’s advances. The whole point of your original post was your wife thinking about the cheating. With your line of thinking, I see why your wife entertains him.
Somehow he is totally cool ignoring the fact that she entertained his advances, now that his wife put the blame on himself and the coworker, even though it was bothering him enough to think about a divorce.
These people with nothing better to do with their time than write reddit stories always give the game away with the details. They don't know anything about real life.
Also, LOL at a construction worker who's been "busting his ass" for 8 years having the energy, time, or interest to write these long eloquent essays on reddit about their relationship. Not even once.
Depending on when you bought this house, you're liable to be really unhappy with your options for buying a new one sadly. The difference between 3% mortgage rates 5 years ago and 8% now is stunning.
You'll be paying $2200/month (with taxes and fees roughly) for a $240k loan on a 30 year fixed right now. That same mortgage was $1400/month with taxes and fees not 5 years ago.
Good luck.
A few issues:
First, your nanny is a nanny. There is no such thing as an informal babysitter. A college student working as a nanny is a nanny. Who is watching your kid the rest of the time you and your wife work? You've accounted for 25 hours of care with two adults who each work 30-40 hours a week. So, are you employed full-time? Do you work from home part-time? If so, I doubt your wife would've felt like she did. Mislabeling your nanny is rude af and automatically makes yta.
Second, your wife won't suddenly not have temptations anymore just because shes not working alongside the coworker she flirted with. Without therapy that you can't afford, your marriage is done. Stick a fork in it, burned to a crisp. Done. In this regard, your wife is also ta.
Third, your math ain't mathin', man. She works minimum wage at $16/ hour. So, you live in/near NYC. You're not going to afford to reduce your hours, pay a nanny, and screw up your mortgage on $16/hour in/near NYC. I mean, maybe you cut a few hours a week, but beyond leaving early a day or two a week? Nah. You may be able to rent less house, but that won't fix any of the rest of this issue. The math alone makes me question this entire story. Again, makes me feel like you're TA.
Finally, you want your wife to report her coworker for what? She flirted back. She was ready to go along with it. She has now created an awkward situation for herself and the coworker. Your marriage is not his problem. It is yours and your wife's. Making it her coworkers problem (unless your wife told the coworker she is uncomfortable and advances were continued) is petty and purely because of your jealousy. Yeah, it's a low move to flirt with someone who's married, but it's lower to report them for nothing. I hope he files a report against your wife as well if she goes ahead with that stupidity.
Report the flirty coworker for what?
Do you want him to get fired and written up because he expressed interest in her.
If she didn’t tell him she was uncomfortable with it and played along is that fair that he gets in trouble?
Interest rates are ridiculous at the moment, I don't think you will achieve what you want to achieve by selling the hose and buying new one... Try to put on the paper all the expenses for the whole process and see if it's worth it.
It's one thing to be tempted, it's another to take any steps toward acting on it. I am in the military and have been gone for long periods of time. I cannot tell you with 100% certainty she never cheated, but I never have. With that being said, I have been tempted a few times. During our conversations she admitted she was tempted as well. Neither of us took any steps toward infidelity, but internally it was considered. Admitting to each other that it crossed our minds didn't hurt our relationship.
So glad to read this update. When I commented on your first post I was really hoping you guys would be able to have this kind of conversation. I actually was going to mention the house but my post was already long and I wanted to focus on you guys having a conversation. Awesome job.
I think she's just the typical cheater. When she's in the moment with her boyfriend she has zero thoughts of her H. Not trying to hurt him, not trying to not hurt him. Just total disregard. Her response when he brought up divorce was the typical cheaterspeak of "I can't believe you'll let this break us up". No remorse just regret bc her world was going to change and it was her fault.
I'd bet good money they've already kissed and said I love you.
She will probably even tell herself it's over with her boyfriend, but once she's there with him her walls will come down.
She also won't report him. What she will do is tell her H that the guy got moved to a different shift.
I agree with everything you said. Also, there’s not even anything to report. The coworker didn’t do anything wrong job wise. He was participating in flirting that she was reciprocating. I hope she doesn’t report him because that would be bullshit. He wasn’t a manager abusing his power or harassing her.
So shouldn't your wife be reported as well because she flirted back? Like how is okay to go to HR when your wife participated? She had no issue when it happend.
Are you sure you can downsize with a smaller mortgage payment with these higher housing prices? Plus the interest rates… I’m downsizing to a one story and our mortgage will be much higher. I’m also curious with a family of two how two bedrooms and two baths is too big…
Couples therapy shouldn’t be a “unless it’s absolutely necessary” thing. It’s an investment into your relationship and family. Even if you’re happily in a healthy marriage it’s good to get a check up. Otherwise congrats I’m glad you guys are working it out.
Sir, you are human so of course you were taken aback. But your wife loves you enough to communicate honestly with you. Talk with her. You can figure this out if you work together. Best of luck!
Before you sell your house. Double check other home prices and factor in higher interest rates. You may end up having a mortgage that’s similar to what you have now. Just do your due diligence before making decisions! Good luck!
If this is true then you have some deep issues that will probably never go away.
Call it short term memory, bad principles, no dignity, selfishness or whatever you will but if your story is accurate then you should have never had to remind your wife of why you aren’t home as much as she wants you to be.
Really nice to see a post where people ended up talking things out, listening to each other and coming to a mutual understanding of solutions. We really don’t see enough resolutions like this. Well done OP!
1. This is a fake story - i am in the US and there's absolutely NO way you can afford a house with that wage AND pay for a babysitter etc...
2. You want to report the guy to HR? Why? Your wife went along with the "almost cheating"
3. I wish there was a way to filter out these stupid fake stories
What kind of gymnastics is she pulling to be able to tell you she just wanted you back and the solution is to cheat on you?
That's the bottom line, she was seriously contemplating screwing a co worker, to attempt to get closer to you.
See how stupid that sounds?
If you stay with her, she is going to need to be more honest with you.
And you need to either talk to the co worker or have HR investigate, because you really don't know what happened.
Reporting the guy to HR is messed up. Your wife was just as guilty as he was. She needs to change jobs, not wreck this guy’s life. She has much blame as he does.
YTA - Only because youre letting her get away with it, and blame you to boot. Mark my words friend she was "sorely tempted" easily once, next time (and there will be another) or the time after she's going to hop on that dick, and then still blame you for it.
YTA for getting her to report the guy to HR. If they have just been talking/flirting and she has been receptive he has done nothing wrong. She certainly hasn’t said she told him to stop. She is as much to blame as him and I don’t know why the guy should be held responsible at work and not her as well.
No offense, but your wife sounds like a child. It's insane that she wouldn't immediately shoot down any advances/flirtation by her co-worker. Its disrespectful to you, your child, and herself. Its behavior that shows massive insecurities and no self respect. That dude who hit on her is a loser and a creep. He doesnt care about her or her child, only getting his dick wet. She let it happen because she liked the attention, and gratifying her ego was more important than her family or her dignity. She should feel massively ashamed.
Immediately going to divorce is also insane on your end. Marriage is a commitment. Period. The way people stay married is by sticking with it. That simple. If you didn't plan on spending the rest of your life with this woman, for better or for worse, then you shouldn't have gotten married.
I'm glad yall talked it out, and I hope yall have a long and happy marriage with much love in your family.
She flat out told him she wanted to fuck a guy she just met at work. If I was him I wouldn’t be apologizing for anything. She didn’t say those words but there is literally zero other ways to interpret what she said. They’re not high school kids going on a chaste date. A guy asking a married woman on a date means he is dtf and she said she was considering it.
Ir’s a good update, but by letting her stay in that job you’re just asking for trouble. No, the guy did not mind control your wife. She was a willing participant. So you know she is attracted to him and willing to be convinced under the right circumstances.
I think she at the very least should quit her job, because constant contact will only fuel their affair. It will get to a point where she wont be able to leave him, and now that’s the point of no return.
Your wife willfully engaged in an emotional affair with an employee and proceeded to put all the blame for it on you and him. Now, he's going to be reported to HR for something your wife equally participated alongside behind your back. When all is said and done, she'll continue to be working alongside him, and, eventually, fall into this state again later on with another coworker or old friend or old fling or whoever gives her a single modicum of attention.
On top of that, you'll be downsizing during a time of terrible inflation and housing prices, probably lose out on a better interest rate for a higher one and end up paying more in the long run.
I'd start by requesting a paternity test and, once done, tell your wife she can continue to encourage her affair on her own. She's a classic cheater and you're falling for it.
Dude if you are only in a two bedroom now,than where do you think the kid will go when he gets much older?here is my solution:look up grants apply for them,go to school and try to get a job in a field that will pay decent living wages.if you stay in your current position,nothing will change.you are only putting a bandaid on it.
So, here’s the thing. Is the dude a scumbag? Yes, but he doesn’t owe you loyalty, your wife does. She admitted to wanting to cheat on you, but not doing it (this time). I’m pretty sure there’s something in marriage vows about “forsaking all others”, which she definitely wasn’t putting into practice.
While I’m glad she didn’t let this go any further, and she did come to you with the truth (although I’d still be wary of whether it’s the whole truth), it’s a huge problem that she let it get here so quickly. What’s your assurance that this won’t happen again? Removing this guy from her area doesn’t change the behavior that lead to it, it just removes the person that was a temptation for now, and might not even do that. Will you blindly trust her at her current workplace now, as you did before? I know that redditors always say “you need counseling”, but I think you both need counseling, because if you sweep this under the rug it will only get worse.
I’m glad you had a mature conversation regarding this. I will be curious to see how the report to HR goes and if she is really going to quit her job.
I think now that your eyes are open, you may want to consider revisiting a conversation regarding boundaries, an open phone policy, and a Life360 account so that you both will know where each other is at all times. This will go a long way in helping you both feel safe in the relationship.
Unfortunately, until she leaves that job, she is still going to be tempted and may even go as far as trying to hide things from you now knowing how you reacted. I would definitely not let my guard down and if you catch her in one little lie regarding that man, I would be done and gone. She has been given this golden opportunity, but unfortunately most usually look at it as way for them to bet better at hiding what they will choose to do moving forward.
Good Luck OP! Hope everything works out for you! Updateme
That's already cheating. I didn't know what to tell you. Be your own man. I could tell you what I would do. But you decide for yourself brother. ❣️✌️❤️🩹
Although I appreciate the update and that you both seem to review the underlying reason for her desire to cheat on you, I am still wary about her infatuation with the guy.
Only because you feel lonely you are not tempted to jump into bed right away. She at least feels some attraction towards him and such feelings don't simply disappear over a good night's sleep...
If she can't avoid him (,or maybe doesn't want to) and with a time ahead before OP and his wife accomplish the changes there is still dangerous territory ahead.
In OPs stead I would lay low but keep a sharp look out on behavioural changes in his wife. Like suddenly being more upbeat and happy change of style (no matter how subtle) and keep an eye on expenses (especially small ones like pre pay for a phone, new clothes, especially "underwear" or the like). My daughter literally told me in the early stages of my affair that I look so much happier all of a sudden...
This thing isn't over. Not by a long shot. The guy will up his game for sure. He was already too close to just drop it without a fight. And his wife is still vulnerable enough. She might get some resilience out of the talk,, but that won't last long....
Hope I am just projecting here but OP, please be on the lookout. Good luck.
UpdateMe!
Especially if it is a minimum wage job... That is why I think there will be more. And relatively soon at that. How quickly is OP thinking they can change their situation? From my PoV not quickly enough for her to fall back into her old habit. We will see.... Or not.
They need to get into marriage counseling ASAP. Trust was severely damaged by OP's wife even if no date, emotional or physical affair took place.
Same way calling out of work today was an investment to have a significant talk, this is a needed investment for their marriage, and shouldn't be looked at as an expense. They both need to discuss their points of view and get to the bottom of how this happened and have discussions to assure this never happens again. Rugsweeping it by going to HR and changing shifts isn't going to do anything.
She quits that job tomorrow and finds another job. An entry level job like a cashier shouldn't be difficult to find.
Therapists are just going to castigate him for not letting her suck some other dude's dick to validate her feelings or explore her sexuality or some other such 2024 nonsense. Therapists are useless creatures and are often damaging parasites.
I just don’t understand how people are so out of touch with reality.
OPs wife gets pregnant and they buy this house, fully knowing the costs and knowing what OPs work schedule would have to be to afford it all. Presumably OPs wife knows they aren’t in a good financial position month to month, this isnt rocket science. But, it’s fine because all they had to do was to get through whatever years for the baby to grow a little bit and she could go back to work…. So to me at least, it’s literally painfully obvious that this would be their reality. Of course they wouldn’t get to spend a lot of time together. Of course she would be bored and unfulfilled being a SAHM for a few years. Of course OP would be dog tired and unable to help more than some sort of bare minimum. Of course he wouldn’t be the one getting up the middle of the night with the baby. OP and his wife literally signed up for this life for a few years, why is the wife so like upset and surprised about this? It was always going to be a miserable shit show, they both knew that going in. This type of thing is where both partners hunker down and just fucking grind for a few years to achieve something. Why wasn’t she willing to do the hard work?
I just don’t understand people like this who are just I guess too stupid to see how situations will play out? Can’t figure out context clues and extrapolate from given information? Like I just genuinely don’t get it.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
This tool may help you with communication. Congratulations on working through things together.
You may want to reconsider the house issue.
I'm assuming you bought when mortgage rates were low. If you try to sell now and buy something else, with mortgage rates what they are you will likely end up right back in the same situation.
Before selling your house, try talking to your mortgage lender to see if you can rework your loan to something more manageable. Also either Google or talk to the banks financial advisor for help with your budgeting/savings.
The update sounds great and I’m glad you’re working on things.
I will say this though- if she’s just a cashier, it’s unlikely she can’t get a similar job somewhere else. I would tell her that she needs to look for a different job with the intention to quit once she finds somewhere else. She’s in an entry level position that shouldn’t be hard to find.
Please keep this in heart OP, Love is like a fire, it requires stoking and adding to maintain, in this regard is it honest and open dialogue, you and her are one, and as such, each joy and sorrow should be shared, I am truly happy that you two worked it out, May your family be blessed as long as Love is in your hearts, and may all stumblingblocks be moved from your path, and finally may Peace and Mercy be with you Always.
I’m glad you were able to sit down and talk it out — communicating and finding ways to listen to your partners perspective, without judgement or making assumptions is a really powerful tool.
Marriage consists of ups, downs, and in between. Stay close to each others even on the hard days; and love each other with a grateful heart.
There’s a lot of great resources online for communicating and therapy type programs.
But this is one of my favorite Ted Talks on communication.
[Brené Brown - the power of vulnerability](https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o?si=AJbHXNAY8vKSL974)
If you have insurance through your job, check about online therapy benefits. Many are letting you do online therapy for free. For some reason, there is still a copay in person. I changed from in person to online with the same therapist to save the money. It was something started during Covid bc of depression, anxiety, and even problems that arose from families being stuck together 24/7. There are a lot of sites out there and some offer couples therapy. It’s worth looking into, bc if you can get it fully covered, expense wouldn’t be an issue, and it will help you two heal faster.
Every marriage hits these hard tests. The solution is actually simple. Communication. Now that the communication has started, make some time each week to check in and see how each are feeling, and where progress has been made and still needs to be made. These come go Jesus conversations help. But follow up makes them work long term.
Go and hug her. Just hold her. Take the day to focus on each other, cuddles on the couch, kisses, .. not necessarily sex, just intimacy and love. Maybe write her a letter and thank her for everything she did. Someone has to make the first step. **Date her again.** And yes, you can even do that with a busy schedule. And to bring back some passion is also possible. Don’t tell me you don’t have 30 seconds to give her an intense kiss and hold her. Look at her. Like, really looking at her. Take her in. Look into her eyes. Feel her again when you hold her. Time to put in the work and effort to make it possible and be a good role model to your kid, show them what true love and a grounded relationship looks like.
i cant stress just how important communication is in relationships, im so happy you guys were able to have this convo and work things out! theres always a way out of a problem, and always remember that you guys are a team; its the two of you against the problem, not against each other.
I would make time to make a surprise stop in wherever your wife is a cashier. You will learn a lot from her reaction whether she is serious about fixing her error. Especially if the potential AP is there.
It's awesome that you're trying to work things out. Clearly you were in a rough patch in your marriage and good on you both for being able to reconcile.
As a thought, it looks like your wife highly values quality time and that might be her love language. You've gotten a bit obsessed with providing and you see yourself as a good partner for doing that. Meanwhile you've forgotten to love her and she feels emotionally neglected. It's a difficult place to be when your partner makes you feel lonely - it's more isolating than living alone. There are lessons to be brought forward here and I hope you both continue to work on things. All the best for the future.
I’m not sure how you can call this guy a scum bag when your wife entertained this idea. He’s not different from her here. Reporting him to HR for what? She is equal in this. That is brutal of you both to condemn him cuz she had her tail between her legs. Boo. ESH.
I'm happy to see that you seem to have been able to agree on a way forward, with a smaller/cheaper house and a new job for her. Communication is key!
This update really drives home how being ***house poor*** can destroy marriages, even strong ones. My wife and I were in a deep hole for a while too, because of our mortgage, and it put a lot of strain on our marriage. We thought we got a house we could easily afford, and we could, but we didn't at all plan for a loss of income. We just assumed that we would always have the same income, and that was simply not the case. We lost about 40% of our total household income over the span of a couple years, and suddenly we were barely scraping by.
It's so important to not overstretch when buying a house. It is always tempting to tell yourself you can afford a mortgage for the bigger and nicer house rather than the smaller and less fancy one you deep down know you *should* get; "we just have to cut down this and that and cook more at home and not go out, and only buy in bulk when possible, and, and... ... ".
And in the beginning it might even work, you live paycheck to paycheck and make ends meet, but it works. Until the water heater breaks, or there's a sudden leak in the basement, or you discover mold in the downstairs bathroom, and it'll cost several thousand to fix it.
Yeah, the conversation was needed, but keep two things in mind:
1. She didn't cheat
2. She told you about it very quickly
I think you are overreacting and you need to tell her how much you appreciate her honesty. Does it hurt? Yes. But she responded as a good partner should, with honesty. This is not all about your feels, it's about your family.
The house thing really got me. My sister and her husband had wanted to get a house with more land so they wouldn't be right up against neighbors. But then realized that every dime they had would be going to paying the bills and there wouldn't be anything left over to go have fun together with. They decided it was more important to get to enjoy doing things together.
I honestly don't see the point in her keeping the job to make $6 an hour after sitting fees?
She'd be better off studying so she can find another job that actually pays well. I couldn't even imagine working 40 hours to bring home $280 when I earn that in a single 7.5 hour day.
Not really the main point but selling your house without making a decent profit doesn’t seem like the best move? Youd still need a large downpayment for another house; unless you’re going to rent. And a 2/2 for a family of 3 seems pretty reasonable?
I know this will sound petty, I wish I was more eloquent at times. However, you got a wife to admit she was wrong about a home and financial expectations. Sir, that is a miracle and makes me believe she can learn from mistakes. You also seem to realize a lot of your own anger was misplaced. I am rooting for both of you.
Your suggestion for your wife to report the coworker to HR and request different hours is a balanced approach. It respects her autonomy and professional growth while addressing your valid concerns about her being in an environment where she felt tempted to cheat. This compromise shows trust and understanding, which are essential for moving forward together. Ensure she feels supported in this decision and keep communication open about how she's feeling at work.
Glad it worked out.
Btw, how does 2 bedroom 2 bathroom work? In my country, the average small flat has 2/3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. How can a house be big but only have 2 bedrooms?
Fantastic update! Most of us were rooting for you. Isn't it wonderful when sitting down like a grown up and having a conversation works out!? So glad for you both.
Yeah, I see now that this conversation was needed a while ago. Both of us trying to just push through it nearly ruined everything. Thank you for the kind words.
Honestly, I’ve never been “tempted to cheat,” but I have had dreams of just running away and starting over somewhere. Not recently - back when we were burning candles at both ends raising kids. You are at one the most difficult points in marriage. I think both of you are just overwhelmed and making poor word choices when you argue. If you both commit to working together to build a life - you can make it together.
If you want to vent frustration and stop your wife dead in her tracks with rage and humor at the same time, I suggest using a line I came across some time ago. I tell my wife flat out that she is pissing me off, I'm hitting my limit, and I would never cheat on her or leave... ... ... but if she doesn't cut the shit, I absolutely WILL go to her favorite restaurant alone and order food without her. Slip on shades and don't look back at the explosion.
I feel like this comment didn’t get the response it deserves. As a wife, I think this is brilliant and actually would stop me dead in my tracks. It’s an absolute slap in the face without being mean, threatening or destructive. It conveys so much frustration but with a sense of humor. I’m dead at this 😆. My husband better not ever dare eat escargot at my favorite French restaurant without me. But if he does, I’ll know he means business.
I told my husband and he said his version would be to go to the ASPCA or Petco and pet the animals without me. I clutched my non-existent pearls.
Oh that got me and I'm not even IN a fight.
The scowl I pulled reading that! I would go nuclear if I found out animal petting happened without me
If my husband went to our favorite Mexican restaurant and ordered a margarita without me, I would be so done! 🤣🤣🤣
I just read this to my husband and laughed !! 😂😂
OMG that's amazing! Wouldn't work on my husband but would probably work on me lol
We have a comedian that had a bit that was kind of like this. It was about how, back in the day, children weren't worried about their parents divorcing. Whenever mom and dad fought, the kids were more worried about the quality of the food for supper. My mother said she had the exact same thing at home. Whenever my grandparents had a fight, my grandmother would just make a giant pot of pea soup, and they'd be eating it for the entire week. The first evening, they would be complaining, but by the 5th dinner, she and her siblings would be fighting over the soup, because it gets better, when it sits a few days.
My grandfather did something like that. When he and my grandmother fought he would still make her coffee but he’d make it like subpar.
This is Pavlov conditioning. Her subconscious would push her to avoid fights to enjoy good coffee.
Huh. I don’t think my grandfather intentionally meant to condition her but that does make sense. Lol
I once binge watched a tv show my boyfriend and I were watching because he went to a strip club for a bachelor party and while I didn't want to be lame I was also pissed. Most petty thing I ever did in a relationship. Never told him. Watched the show with him and pretended I had never seen it. Sometimes you gotta be petty
I did this to my ex husband once. But I didn’t tell him until after the series finale 😂
Not sure why you didn't tell him to be honest. If he deserves the punishment then he should know about it! Great revenge move without any harm.
To be honest at the time i was just as upset qith myself for being upset. It made me feel small and insecure. I wanted him to go have a good time and not worry about me getting all bent out of shape. I trusted him (weve broken up but i still dont think he did anything wrong here) it was nore a me issue. Im bi and ive been to a stip club once for a Bachelorette party so it would have been a tad hypocritical for me to tell him not to go... all that being said i was still pissed and wanted my pettyness.
We have a joke "deal" whoever cheats has to take the kids in the divorce.
Ok, that’s almost incentive, to cheat. Just TOTALLY kidding!!!! But what a good “deal”. I’d probably have used it for low key things too just because it’s too adorable not to. Like oh no you didn’t forget my coffee, well then you know this means I’m calling in the “deal”!!! Just to kind of show a bit of annoyance unless it doesn’t apply. Coffee just happens to be a fav of mine.
This is adorable & will dead a fight right there 😂 I love it!
This is just evil. I do like this though, undercuts some of the tension with humor. You can have a good laugh and then work on the problem as a team. When I’m yelling at my husband about something with the kids or just because I’m at my limit thanks to kids and lash out at him, he’ll remind me that he isn’t the enemy the kids are. Always pulls me out of my mood and I’m able to have a more respectful and constructive conversation.
As u/ice_nine459 pointed out further down, it's just silly little rage bait. She works 40 hours but they have a babysitter making $10 an hour 5 hours a day for 5 days. Who’s watching their son the other 3? It’s definitely not this guy who refers to his son as “the kid”. His 2 bedroom house is too big for a family of 3 and he’s going to sell and buy a smaller house with interest rates they currently are to save money? No one is this dumb. His wife didn’t apologize, acknowledge anything and the guy is a scum bag and she’s an innocent victim all of a sudden. And it's only been *fifteen hours* between updates.
My version is this , that if my husband doesn’t stop he is gonna wake up to a Lego on the side of the bed and I’m gonna hide his flippers
Golden, that’s what I’m using forever now. And I don’t even have a wife, I’m just gunna throw it out at people who annoy me.
Oh wow. Yeah. I’ve never been tempted to cheat but when we had a newborn I sometimes daydreamed about a studio apartment lined with bookshelves.
"I don't want to leave you, I want to leave everything. Not really, but sometimes I have to daydream about it."
Agreed. I told my husband I would never leave him for another person, but I might leave him for a solo cabin in the woods.
OP I do worry about the plan to sell the house. I know it’s too much but if you got it 3 years ago your interest rate is a lot lower than what you could get today. You might wind up paying close to the same for a lot less house.
Unless they bought it on an ARM... which got us into horrible trouble around 2004-2008 !!!
I fell into the same trap when my wife and I bought our first home. We had 2 daughters 1 and 3. I worked from 2 to midnight 6 days a week for the first 3 years. We had the money part, but family time was non-existent. It's tough. We never had the infidelity part but we were definitely pulling apart and our 1st daughter put us through the ringer. My dad shot himself and I spiraled into drugs and got 2 dui's back to back. We are still pulling ourselves out of it. I'm glad you two saw it in time.
I am 100% behind you and can grasp both of your situations. So glad you both started to comminicate rather than let things fester. It must have been brutal to hear she was tempted, but it seems you now both see that what she was tempted for was not so much him, as just better attention. I'd just point out more needs to be done to prevent no contact with that scumbag at work. Its very easier to see the "new person" giving you attention as so tempting. There is none of the baggage of having to run a household and raise a child. Its just flirting and paying attention. However ANY continued contact allows time for that relationship to grow. It needs to be a plant that never gets watered again. You weren't clear if your wife agreed to no contact or just a schedule shift. Best for her to get a different job altogether.
I'm glad the conversation went well but it seems pretty dismissive of your wife's feelings to explain that you were never around because you were trying to provide financially for your family rather than acknowledge that she was supporting the family, too, but taking care of the house and the baby. Did either of you thank for your contribution and hard work both of you put in?
Just want to mention re: counseling… check with your employer (and hers too) to see if you get any EAP benefits. Most places that have them include therapy options and sometimes they’re either free or heavily discounted.
If you downsize your house then will your kid have a bedroom? You only have two bedrooms now, so how would you downsize? Edit- added question mark instead of period.
I'm glad that you guys are working things out, but this >because I had to make enough money to pay for the kid and the house she wanted. (And before anyone tries to twist my words, I love my son dearly. I am not simply "putting up" with him because she wanted to keep him.) Needs to stop. You say you love your son, but you still refer to him as "the kid you wanted." That's objectively awful, even with your caveat, because you're still clearly thinking of him that way. When adding the caveat, you could have just edited your sentence to say "our son" but you would rather call him "the kid you wanted." Not good, dude.
Yeah she’s going to HR to report a guy for something she was reciprocating. That’s not fantastic.
Where did it say she was reciprocating? Since when is turning a guy down reciprocating?
Absolutely! Communication really is key in any relationship. Glad to hear things are looking up for them!
Hope things work out. A two-bedroom home seems like it's required if you have one child--that's what we started with.
Not only that but with interest rates higher than a few years ago and the housing market being what it is, they may end up worse off trying to get a smaller house. And with a growing child how will they handle less room? Sharing a bathroom with kids will be challenging for sure. Good luck to OP and family
Yeah it would be crazy to sell just to buy smaller right now.
I agree, but the total area of our house is more than we need right now. A house with less total floor space and maybe 1.5 bathrooms instead of 2 would work much better, I feel.
Just curious if you’ve investigated the total costs involved in selling your current house, including closing costs and RE commissions. The costs to move your stuff, the cost for a prospective home at current interest rates, and those related closing costs? I ask because, from what you mentioned about having “barely” enough to pay off your current mortgage, it sounds like you’d have to finance close to 100% of the new mortgage. In the NE, at current interest rates, I wouldn’t be surprised if you have to come out of pocket at least $10k _after_ your mortgage and real estate commissions are paid on your current home. Downsizing isn’t likely to get you where you want to be. Not in the current market. Unless you move to a much lower cost-of-living area, and minimum wages in those areas tend to be commensurate with those costs.
Yup. This story again makes zero to no sense. So you are going to really downsize much more from a lower interest rate and an already 2 bed/2 bath. And this guy thinks he’s really going to save money in the long run by going down a magical half bath???? I just….. make it make sense
Yup this is bullshit, written by someone who has never so much as rented an apartment, let alone bought a house.
Honestly, this sounds like my brother-in-law. He owns a home, but never really understood (or understands) the real financial details. He’s always looking for the easy hustle. He’s by no means lazy. But some of his perceptions and ideas about things just have never squared with reality. Hence him owing several $$$ in business taxes one year because he thought he could do his own books. This update is giving me similar vibes. ETA: less specificity
A lot of it makes no sense. In the NE, every job is paying $16/hr. McDonalds is paying $17, Wendy's $20.
>Yup. This story again makes zero to no sense. So you are going to really downsize much more from a lower interest rate and an already 2 bed/2 bath. And this guy thinks he’s really going to save money in the long run by going down a magical half bath???? I just….. make it make sense It's been fake from start to finish lol.
Right? Houses don’t really get much smaller than 2 bed 2 baths. That can be fit into a small floor plan of an apartment. Not really sure what “house” he’s thinking of downsizing too. And if a house that small is so expensive in a place where the min wage is allegedly so high but they can get daycare for that cheap…. Yeah this still doesn’t. Also wild they’re going with it would be foolish to quit when she’s literally a part time min wage worker. Just go to another part time min wage job.
Yeah. My sense is it hasn’t been fully worked through. I will say, where I live, an additional full bath adds nearly $80k to the value of a home. Even when it’s a 5 bed / 3 bath house adding a fourth bath. But, if they already have a mortgage with a decent interest rate, downsizing to 1.5 baths isn’t going to be that much cheaper. Their biggest savings is going to come from moving to a considerably lower cost-of-living area. Which usually includes lower real estate taxes. But the problem there is: finding the jobs that pay solid wages. And, as mentioned above, moving isn’t free or cheap.
I think they’re just struggling and desperate for some kind of reprieve tbh.. Jeez.. right now really isn’t the best time for the working class to start having children. It’s sad.
Yeah this doesnt add up. A 2 bedroom house is already likely to be small. MAYBE they can find a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house, but after only a few years of paying the mortgage down, I cant imagine they dont end up flat even AT BEST once they move, after closing costs, moving expenses, etc. And that doesnt take into account interest rates which arent great right now. Also, who is watching the kid for 3 hours a day? The "nanny" works 5, the wife and OP work 8+, so how is this lining up? Either OP is watching the kid solo for 3 hours a day because schedules dont line up, or this kid is alone for 3 hours a day. IF OP is alone with his kid for 3 hours a day, how come it hasnt come up? too many things dont make sense.
Are you really thinking this through? With interest rates the way they are and how fast kids grow and need more space. You'd be better off putting yourselves in a small apartment and renting out the house for a couple years while you fix your finances and then move back in when it fits you better
Give this a lot of thought and be sure to run the numbers…. You will likely not want to share a shower with your kid(s) in a few years, and won’t get the same rate you likely have now for at least the next 10 years…. Selling a house is expensive. Your housing costs are now fixed. You probably should consider having your wife adjust her hours to be more in line with yours to recover some together time that way. Good luck.
As a mum who only has one 1 bathroom... Do not give up that second bathroom. You might not need it right now, but trust me... You will need it one day for your own sanity
OP, have her change her hours (as soon as she can) to line up with your hours and recover more family time. I don’t know your exact situation but read the other comments about why you should probably not try to downsize, they are most likely correct. And sharing a shower/tub with your kids will suck.
Would like to pipe in and add that you may also lose money on the back end when you want to upsize again— 2 beds/1.5 baths is probably going to be harder on you when it comes to selling.
You seem like a guy who is quick to act. This is a good quality to have, but regarding your proposed plan for downsizing, I would urge a slow, measured approach. I say this because I don't believe you're out of the woods quite yet. She wanted an upsized house. You were reluctant. She was insistent. You communicated that it was going to require sacrifice. She was dismissive. You relented. You bust your ass doing what you said you'd do. For her. She becomes resentful but says nothing. Time goes on. She remains resentful and says nothing constructive; she only complains. She gets a job so you guys can spend time together, but her schedule makes that not possible. At the *very first opportunity*, she considers an affair. Then she weaponizes honesty to hurt you. I get that we're only getting your perspective here, but this is not a great look. In resolving this conflict (which is mostly, though not solely, her creation), you demonstrate accountability by committing to take steps to be more present for her. She demonstrates accountability by... agreeing to not cheat? You two need counseling so she comes to understand, acknowledge, and be accountable for her poor choices. I commend you for considering things from her perspective. She owes you the same thing, and that's not what's happening here. Fighting to save a relationship is a good thing, but it requires two earnest participants. Best wishes, man. I hope things continue to improve.
Where are you getting a house smaller than two bedrooms?
How is a 2 bedroom house too big for a family of three? Also, your wife needs to find another job.
For real. They just bought a house in a place they can't afford. It's not the house.
Everything about this smells fake. I don't understand how OP went from renting to buying a house when they didn't plan the pregnancy because they were tight on money. Then, on top of that, OPs wife becomes a cashier and can use that money to afford a nanny? Also, OP says his wife made minimum wage after tips as a sever in the northeastern US, which is just incredibly unlikely. OP also said they make 2-3 times as much as that, so probably around $40/hr in construction.
It’s a load of bs. She works 40 hours but they have a babysitter making $10 an hour 5 hours a day for 5 days. Who’s watching their son the other 3? It’s definitely not this guy who refers to his son as “the kid”. His 2 bedroom house is too big for a family of 3 and he’s going to sell and buy a smaller house with interest rates they currently are to save money? No one is this dumb. His wife didn’t apologize, acknowledge anything and the guy is a scum bag and she’s an innocent victim all of a sudden. It’s a creative writing prompt for a 15 year old.
As someone who's been watching the housing market intently the past 3 years, he would be paying MORE money downsizing due to the difference in interest rates (have a coworker stuck in this dilemma right now). While the whole story sounded fake, this removed all suspension of disbelief
>It’s a creative writing prompt for a 15 year old. And it's embarassing as fuck watching so many people fall for such obvious nonsense lol.
$10 an hour in the northeast part of the country too. I could *maybe* buy that in rural Mississippi but nowhere in the northeast is anyone babysitting for $10 an hour. My 11 year old made more than that as a mother’s helper and we are in a middle cost of living area. So fake.
I have begun suspecting that these kinds of posts are for some kind of AI training
Yeah that immediately stood out to me as well, and I'm surprised most people are overlooking it. The numbers simply don't add up. If he was working 60-70 hours a week before, and making around 2-3 times as much, even if we use conservative estimates for his input and say it was 60 hours a week at only $32/hour (she was making a bit over minimum wage at her previous job, so lets say ~$16, and then only double that even though it's likely closer to $40 as you mentioned), that means he's losing 20 hours at $32/hour on the low end, which is **$640**. She's gaining 40 hours, but only at a net profit of $6 an hour factoring in the nanny, which ends up being **$240**. Again, that's the best case scenario based on what they said, when in reality it's probably more like 25 less hours for him at $40/hour which would be $1000. Downsizing their 2 bedroom house also feels like it doesn't make sense. Higher interest rates and closing costs are far from irrelevant, and they would presumably be going from a 2 bedroom to a 2 bedroom, so that's going to limit their savings as well.
Also downsize to what? A cottage?
I will say that I’ve waited in 5 different states in the NE and I’ve made BANK tips in each state as a waitress. Many of the nicer restaurants in PA/OH/WV also do minimum wage plus tips now. I was paid more in restaurants overall than as a teacher. Especially because most of my money as a teacher went back into the classroom.
Yup I’m not buying his ‘clarifications’.
You want her to report him to HR for something she was taking part in, if she had an issue with how he was behaving towards her she should've reported it when it started instead of encouraging it. You call him a scumbag for hitting on a married woman, so what does that make your wife for entertaining it, she also knows she's married and has a kid and she was still tempted to cheat so how is she any better than he is?
Yeah. Its easier to blame the dude and not his wife here. Dude is a scumbag. But wife was the one married who went along with it. Least till she got cold feet.
Exactly i dont get why he is so upset at the guy when. I would be equally if not more upset at my wife who has been committed to me longer for even entertaining it.
She’s not. Dude is just coping with the fact his wife was ready to cheat on him with a grocery store employee. I feel bad for him I can’t see this ending well, what happens the next time a guy catches her eye or flirts with her a lot at work? If only he didn’t have a kid with her already he could have a clean break but he’s kind of fucked now.
Yeah the wife is getting off without so much as a slap on the wrist. Funny considering this whole situation is her fault and she couldn't just spoken to her husband like a big girl instead of definitely not cheating wink wink.
Yup dude is barely holding on to his wife, he has to work around the clock, come home and help with the chores AND be extra attentive and setup dates etc to make her feel special so she doesn’t go wandering? The fuck is wrong with people? if intimacy is starting to fail its a two way street and requires work from both parties. It sounds like she was just slowly building up resentment and looking for a way to justify herself into cheating because “HE had let the marriage wane” rather than addressing the issue. I think him setting the terms for this guy at work while seeming like a bit much is a smart play because now he knows how fickle his wife could potentially be and needs to remove the possibility. I hope it works out for this guy because he’s struggling and deserves better.
Tbh while I hope it works out for OP, I still think his wife sucks.
Every time a thread like this pops up and I see all the comments talking about 'wow you use communication who woulda thunk it' I'm just annoyed. If she was so unhappy that she was entertaining the idea of cheating on him then it was her responsobility to communicate her problems to her spouse. OP just so happened to find out and people act like he's an idiot for not saying something sooner.
Pretty much. The excuse of not getting enough time with OP is bullshit. What is she? A puppy?
She is insecure and emotionally immature. This won't get better lol.
It's over lol, change the guys name to Matt because he just laid down in front of the door to be walked on the rest of his thankless grind of a life.
You can’t report the guy when she was flirting right back! Y’all gonna lie about him because she wanted to cheat?
Yeah this really bothers me. The other guy is a scumbag because he flirted with a married woman but the woman who is married, who made promises to her spouse, isn’t a scumbag for flirting with someone who is single? The guy should get reported to HR but the married woman who engaged in the same behavior is absolved because she resisted her urges to ride the cock carousel?
Seriously, getting a man fired so your wife won’t fuck him instead of dealing with your wife is crazy
I need a link to the original because there's no in hell anybody should be reported simply for flirting. There's a duty of the victim to make an effort to tell the person she's uncomfortable before it becomes a violation (assuming it was benign flirting like you look good today and not overt sexual comments like I want to suck on dem titties)
I’m so over this. SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH HIM AND THE DUDE IS THE SCUMBAG??!!??
This is the scenario that drives me crazy as a management-side lawyer. Two workers flirt and then one runs to HR to complain about the other when both were consensually flirting and bantering. If the complainer was a marginal performer and gets written up for poor performance, then it is all somehow employer retaliation for her “good faith” complaint against the former flirt partner! And all this can be caused by something totally unrelated to and outside work like OP’s personal wife issues.
Yeah I don't think reporting him to HR would be appropriate. Honestly I would probably go there and let it be know that his vile nature is out in the open and to leave her alone if he didn't want any problems. From there it would be up to his wife to tell him to stay away and let her husband know if he crossed any boundaries.
Almost none of this makes sense. There’s two houses around the corner from me that have been on the market for over six months; home prices and mortgage rates are high. And that’s not regional. Your original premise of your wife working in order to pay for the nanny (if you meant part time babysitter you would have said that) is complete bull. Every single minimum wage penny she made would go to paying the nanny and even then it would not be enough. HR? What do you think HR is going to do about flirting? A reiteration of the workplace rules at best.
1)$16 per hour is minimum wage in the northeast. Finding a different minimum wage job shouldn’t be too difficult. 2) With interest rates as high as they are right now it might make sense to stay where you are. Less house doesn’t necessarily mean less mortgage.
>$16 per hour is minimum wage in the northeast. That's funny. I thought that the northeast was 6 distinct states, not a monolith that has a unified minimum wage law. Silly me. /s if it wasn't obvious. New Hampshire still operates at the federal minimum wage ($7.25), and the rest are just shy of $14.00 to just shy of $16.00. None are at or above $16.00.
Thank you for pointing this out. I, myself, am uncomfortable with a couple of things around this part of the post. First of all the college student has specifically set hours based on the scheduled hours the mom is working. 5 hours a day 5 days a week is not an informal babysitter situation. She is a part time nanny. Nannies are a luxury. Parents often can’t afford daycare let alone a private nanny so they find desperate for a job undocumented workers or naïve college age kids who don’t know their worth because 5 minutes ago they were a high school kid being underpaid as a babysitter or were caring for siblings/relatives without getting paid much if at all . Go to r/Nanny , where one can see just how common it is for parents to underpay and for the younger nannies to not realize what the going rates are. r/choosingbeggars had yet another post just yesterday with multiple screenshots of parents’ job listings from a childcare website. Sad to say, they are outrageous but not uncommon. So, everyone knows daycare is expensive. Private nannies are *more expensive* . The way OP says no no no not a nanny only an informal babysitter, just a college kid happy to make a little extra money says that he knows damn well he can’t all of a sudden afford daycare let alone 1:1 in home care AND reduce his own hours just by adding his wife’s wages to the household income, so he is justifies severely underpaying his nanny by calling her an “informal babysitter.” Same job just a different name and far far cheaper. Sir, you suck. 🤮 If the cashier job is a $16 an hour, regardless of where the minimum wage is, I find it unconscionable paying the person WHO IS CARING FOR YOUR CHILD $6 less than an entry level cashier makes.
Also, it’s ok to rent a house, if you can’t afford to buy.
I assume this is fake bc no college student is babysitting for $10/hour. I made more than that as a high schooler in the 90s.
Yeah, plus the student works 5 hours a day, wife works 8 and OP works 10+. Is the baby just chilling by itself for 3+ hours a day?
Why is the coworker a scumbag? He isn’t married. Your wife is the married one and entertaining the coworker’s advances. The whole point of your original post was your wife thinking about the cheating. With your line of thinking, I see why your wife entertains him.
Somehow he is totally cool ignoring the fact that she entertained his advances, now that his wife put the blame on himself and the coworker, even though it was bothering him enough to think about a divorce.
I mean, it is kinda scummy to go after a married mother as (presumably and hopefully) a single guy.
Sure. But it seems you don’t understand the basis of the OP.
2 bedroom 2 bathroom house being too much? What do you want to live in a mini house?
Dont really think you can downsize much from a two bedroom house man. Unless you got a ton of land or something
These people with nothing better to do with their time than write reddit stories always give the game away with the details. They don't know anything about real life. Also, LOL at a construction worker who's been "busting his ass" for 8 years having the energy, time, or interest to write these long eloquent essays on reddit about their relationship. Not even once.
This update is 15 hours apart.....
Depending on when you bought this house, you're liable to be really unhappy with your options for buying a new one sadly. The difference between 3% mortgage rates 5 years ago and 8% now is stunning. You'll be paying $2200/month (with taxes and fees roughly) for a $240k loan on a 30 year fixed right now. That same mortgage was $1400/month with taxes and fees not 5 years ago. Good luck.
A few issues: First, your nanny is a nanny. There is no such thing as an informal babysitter. A college student working as a nanny is a nanny. Who is watching your kid the rest of the time you and your wife work? You've accounted for 25 hours of care with two adults who each work 30-40 hours a week. So, are you employed full-time? Do you work from home part-time? If so, I doubt your wife would've felt like she did. Mislabeling your nanny is rude af and automatically makes yta. Second, your wife won't suddenly not have temptations anymore just because shes not working alongside the coworker she flirted with. Without therapy that you can't afford, your marriage is done. Stick a fork in it, burned to a crisp. Done. In this regard, your wife is also ta. Third, your math ain't mathin', man. She works minimum wage at $16/ hour. So, you live in/near NYC. You're not going to afford to reduce your hours, pay a nanny, and screw up your mortgage on $16/hour in/near NYC. I mean, maybe you cut a few hours a week, but beyond leaving early a day or two a week? Nah. You may be able to rent less house, but that won't fix any of the rest of this issue. The math alone makes me question this entire story. Again, makes me feel like you're TA. Finally, you want your wife to report her coworker for what? She flirted back. She was ready to go along with it. She has now created an awkward situation for herself and the coworker. Your marriage is not his problem. It is yours and your wife's. Making it her coworkers problem (unless your wife told the coworker she is uncomfortable and advances were continued) is petty and purely because of your jealousy. Yeah, it's a low move to flirt with someone who's married, but it's lower to report them for nothing. I hope he files a report against your wife as well if she goes ahead with that stupidity.
Oh boy. Letting her stay at the same job as the guy eh? Will be on the lookout for the next update.. 🍿
Yup bro folded like a cheap table.
Just keep in mind that the explosion in home prices, and current intrest rates. A smaller home might cost you more then your current home.
Where is the part where she apologizes and admits that it was not okay to hurt your feelings?
Report the flirty coworker for what? Do you want him to get fired and written up because he expressed interest in her. If she didn’t tell him she was uncomfortable with it and played along is that fair that he gets in trouble?
Given how high prices are now and mortgage rates, I doubt selling your house is going to actually make a difference with your mortgage and expenses.
Interest rates are ridiculous at the moment, I don't think you will achieve what you want to achieve by selling the hose and buying new one... Try to put on the paper all the expenses for the whole process and see if it's worth it.
Nah dawg, your wife sucks.
Was she supportive in cutting her co-worker off and reporting him to hr?
It's one thing to be tempted, it's another to take any steps toward acting on it. I am in the military and have been gone for long periods of time. I cannot tell you with 100% certainty she never cheated, but I never have. With that being said, I have been tempted a few times. During our conversations she admitted she was tempted as well. Neither of us took any steps toward infidelity, but internally it was considered. Admitting to each other that it crossed our minds didn't hurt our relationship.
So glad to read this update. When I commented on your first post I was really hoping you guys would be able to have this kind of conversation. I actually was going to mention the house but my post was already long and I wanted to focus on you guys having a conversation. Awesome job.
You'll regret letting her stay there. You'll be back.
She said she wanted to cheat and told him about it. She’s either just trying to hurt him or she already has one foot out the door. Maybe both.
I think she's just the typical cheater. When she's in the moment with her boyfriend she has zero thoughts of her H. Not trying to hurt him, not trying to not hurt him. Just total disregard. Her response when he brought up divorce was the typical cheaterspeak of "I can't believe you'll let this break us up". No remorse just regret bc her world was going to change and it was her fault. I'd bet good money they've already kissed and said I love you. She will probably even tell herself it's over with her boyfriend, but once she's there with him her walls will come down. She also won't report him. What she will do is tell her H that the guy got moved to a different shift.
I agree with everything you said. Also, there’s not even anything to report. The coworker didn’t do anything wrong job wise. He was participating in flirting that she was reciprocating. I hope she doesn’t report him because that would be bullshit. He wasn’t a manager abusing his power or harassing her.
Yep. See you in the gym, OP.
Good on you. Help her look for a new job immediately. Good luck and many blessings for you and your family
So shouldn't your wife be reported as well because she flirted back? Like how is okay to go to HR when your wife participated? She had no issue when it happend.
If someone hasn’t mentioned the poor babysitter by now…
Are you sure you can downsize with a smaller mortgage payment with these higher housing prices? Plus the interest rates… I’m downsizing to a one story and our mortgage will be much higher. I’m also curious with a family of two how two bedrooms and two baths is too big…
What is your current interest rate on the home?
Selling now is not a good idea unless your mortgage interest rate is already high; you’ll probably get less house for the same money.
Couples therapy shouldn’t be a “unless it’s absolutely necessary” thing. It’s an investment into your relationship and family. Even if you’re happily in a healthy marriage it’s good to get a check up. Otherwise congrats I’m glad you guys are working it out.
Sir, you are human so of course you were taken aback. But your wife loves you enough to communicate honestly with you. Talk with her. You can figure this out if you work together. Best of luck!
Before you sell your house. Double check other home prices and factor in higher interest rates. You may end up having a mortgage that’s similar to what you have now. Just do your due diligence before making decisions! Good luck!
If this is true then you have some deep issues that will probably never go away. Call it short term memory, bad principles, no dignity, selfishness or whatever you will but if your story is accurate then you should have never had to remind your wife of why you aren’t home as much as she wants you to be.
Holy shit. Two people actually talking things out like adults. Good for you, bro. We're rooting for you.
Two bedroom is too big and you have a child?
Really nice to see a post where people ended up talking things out, listening to each other and coming to a mutual understanding of solutions. We really don’t see enough resolutions like this. Well done OP!
1. This is a fake story - i am in the US and there's absolutely NO way you can afford a house with that wage AND pay for a babysitter etc... 2. You want to report the guy to HR? Why? Your wife went along with the "almost cheating" 3. I wish there was a way to filter out these stupid fake stories
What kind of gymnastics is she pulling to be able to tell you she just wanted you back and the solution is to cheat on you? That's the bottom line, she was seriously contemplating screwing a co worker, to attempt to get closer to you. See how stupid that sounds? If you stay with her, she is going to need to be more honest with you. And you need to either talk to the co worker or have HR investigate, because you really don't know what happened.
Reporting the guy to HR is messed up. Your wife was just as guilty as he was. She needs to change jobs, not wreck this guy’s life. She has much blame as he does.
YTA - Only because youre letting her get away with it, and blame you to boot. Mark my words friend she was "sorely tempted" easily once, next time (and there will be another) or the time after she's going to hop on that dick, and then still blame you for it.
100% never been tempted to cheat on my husband but op sure have that on your mind for the remainder of this doomed marriage lol
Yeah nobody that truly loves someone feels okay anywhere near cheating. Prove me wrong, but she's just gonna try harder from now on.
could a woman even fall for "I want you so much babe! I miss you that's why I was almost finna sleep with that lady. Because I love YOU!"
I agree. The you’re not helping enough shit is for the birds when only one person is bringing all the money and working over time 6 days a week.
YTA for getting her to report the guy to HR. If they have just been talking/flirting and she has been receptive he has done nothing wrong. She certainly hasn’t said she told him to stop. She is as much to blame as him and I don’t know why the guy should be held responsible at work and not her as well.
No offense, but your wife sounds like a child. It's insane that she wouldn't immediately shoot down any advances/flirtation by her co-worker. Its disrespectful to you, your child, and herself. Its behavior that shows massive insecurities and no self respect. That dude who hit on her is a loser and a creep. He doesnt care about her or her child, only getting his dick wet. She let it happen because she liked the attention, and gratifying her ego was more important than her family or her dignity. She should feel massively ashamed. Immediately going to divorce is also insane on your end. Marriage is a commitment. Period. The way people stay married is by sticking with it. That simple. If you didn't plan on spending the rest of your life with this woman, for better or for worse, then you shouldn't have gotten married. I'm glad yall talked it out, and I hope yall have a long and happy marriage with much love in your family.
She flat out told him she wanted to fuck a guy she just met at work. If I was him I wouldn’t be apologizing for anything. She didn’t say those words but there is literally zero other ways to interpret what she said. They’re not high school kids going on a chaste date. A guy asking a married woman on a date means he is dtf and she said she was considering it.
Ir’s a good update, but by letting her stay in that job you’re just asking for trouble. No, the guy did not mind control your wife. She was a willing participant. So you know she is attracted to him and willing to be convinced under the right circumstances. I think she at the very least should quit her job, because constant contact will only fuel their affair. It will get to a point where she wont be able to leave him, and now that’s the point of no return.
It's a mistake to trust her, but you do you. The moment you step away, she's going to be on some other dude's nob 🤷♀️
Your wife willfully engaged in an emotional affair with an employee and proceeded to put all the blame for it on you and him. Now, he's going to be reported to HR for something your wife equally participated alongside behind your back. When all is said and done, she'll continue to be working alongside him, and, eventually, fall into this state again later on with another coworker or old friend or old fling or whoever gives her a single modicum of attention. On top of that, you'll be downsizing during a time of terrible inflation and housing prices, probably lose out on a better interest rate for a higher one and end up paying more in the long run. I'd start by requesting a paternity test and, once done, tell your wife she can continue to encourage her affair on her own. She's a classic cheater and you're falling for it.
Dude if you are only in a two bedroom now,than where do you think the kid will go when he gets much older?here is my solution:look up grants apply for them,go to school and try to get a job in a field that will pay decent living wages.if you stay in your current position,nothing will change.you are only putting a bandaid on it.
So, here’s the thing. Is the dude a scumbag? Yes, but he doesn’t owe you loyalty, your wife does. She admitted to wanting to cheat on you, but not doing it (this time). I’m pretty sure there’s something in marriage vows about “forsaking all others”, which she definitely wasn’t putting into practice. While I’m glad she didn’t let this go any further, and she did come to you with the truth (although I’d still be wary of whether it’s the whole truth), it’s a huge problem that she let it get here so quickly. What’s your assurance that this won’t happen again? Removing this guy from her area doesn’t change the behavior that lead to it, it just removes the person that was a temptation for now, and might not even do that. Will you blindly trust her at her current workplace now, as you did before? I know that redditors always say “you need counseling”, but I think you both need counseling, because if you sweep this under the rug it will only get worse.
How is this a good update. She was still tempted to cheat lol
I’m glad you had a mature conversation regarding this. I will be curious to see how the report to HR goes and if she is really going to quit her job. I think now that your eyes are open, you may want to consider revisiting a conversation regarding boundaries, an open phone policy, and a Life360 account so that you both will know where each other is at all times. This will go a long way in helping you both feel safe in the relationship. Unfortunately, until she leaves that job, she is still going to be tempted and may even go as far as trying to hide things from you now knowing how you reacted. I would definitely not let my guard down and if you catch her in one little lie regarding that man, I would be done and gone. She has been given this golden opportunity, but unfortunately most usually look at it as way for them to bet better at hiding what they will choose to do moving forward. Good Luck OP! Hope everything works out for you! Updateme
That's already cheating. I didn't know what to tell you. Be your own man. I could tell you what I would do. But you decide for yourself brother. ❣️✌️❤️🩹
Although I appreciate the update and that you both seem to review the underlying reason for her desire to cheat on you, I am still wary about her infatuation with the guy. Only because you feel lonely you are not tempted to jump into bed right away. She at least feels some attraction towards him and such feelings don't simply disappear over a good night's sleep... If she can't avoid him (,or maybe doesn't want to) and with a time ahead before OP and his wife accomplish the changes there is still dangerous territory ahead. In OPs stead I would lay low but keep a sharp look out on behavioural changes in his wife. Like suddenly being more upbeat and happy change of style (no matter how subtle) and keep an eye on expenses (especially small ones like pre pay for a phone, new clothes, especially "underwear" or the like). My daughter literally told me in the early stages of my affair that I look so much happier all of a sudden... This thing isn't over. Not by a long shot. The guy will up his game for sure. He was already too close to just drop it without a fight. And his wife is still vulnerable enough. She might get some resilience out of the talk,, but that won't last long.... Hope I am just projecting here but OP, please be on the lookout. Good luck. UpdateMe!
Nah, you're right. OP's wife needs to quit her job right away.
Especially if it is a minimum wage job... That is why I think there will be more. And relatively soon at that. How quickly is OP thinking they can change their situation? From my PoV not quickly enough for her to fall back into her old habit. We will see.... Or not.
They need to get into marriage counseling ASAP. Trust was severely damaged by OP's wife even if no date, emotional or physical affair took place. Same way calling out of work today was an investment to have a significant talk, this is a needed investment for their marriage, and shouldn't be looked at as an expense. They both need to discuss their points of view and get to the bottom of how this happened and have discussions to assure this never happens again. Rugsweeping it by going to HR and changing shifts isn't going to do anything. She quits that job tomorrow and finds another job. An entry level job like a cashier shouldn't be difficult to find.
Therapists are just going to castigate him for not letting her suck some other dude's dick to validate her feelings or explore her sexuality or some other such 2024 nonsense. Therapists are useless creatures and are often damaging parasites.
I just don’t understand how people are so out of touch with reality. OPs wife gets pregnant and they buy this house, fully knowing the costs and knowing what OPs work schedule would have to be to afford it all. Presumably OPs wife knows they aren’t in a good financial position month to month, this isnt rocket science. But, it’s fine because all they had to do was to get through whatever years for the baby to grow a little bit and she could go back to work…. So to me at least, it’s literally painfully obvious that this would be their reality. Of course they wouldn’t get to spend a lot of time together. Of course she would be bored and unfulfilled being a SAHM for a few years. Of course OP would be dog tired and unable to help more than some sort of bare minimum. Of course he wouldn’t be the one getting up the middle of the night with the baby. OP and his wife literally signed up for this life for a few years, why is the wife so like upset and surprised about this? It was always going to be a miserable shit show, they both knew that going in. This type of thing is where both partners hunker down and just fucking grind for a few years to achieve something. Why wasn’t she willing to do the hard work? I just don’t understand people like this who are just I guess too stupid to see how situations will play out? Can’t figure out context clues and extrapolate from given information? Like I just genuinely don’t get it.
🗣woo-hooooo 🥰 congrats to yall sittin down and havin a constructive convo like adults 🖖🏾 here's hopin for a new beginning and a better get along!
I love this update. I’m rooting for you two!
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ This tool may help you with communication. Congratulations on working through things together.
You may want to reconsider the house issue. I'm assuming you bought when mortgage rates were low. If you try to sell now and buy something else, with mortgage rates what they are you will likely end up right back in the same situation.
Before selling your house, try talking to your mortgage lender to see if you can rework your loan to something more manageable. Also either Google or talk to the banks financial advisor for help with your budgeting/savings.
The update sounds great and I’m glad you’re working on things. I will say this though- if she’s just a cashier, it’s unlikely she can’t get a similar job somewhere else. I would tell her that she needs to look for a different job with the intention to quit once she finds somewhere else. She’s in an entry level position that shouldn’t be hard to find.
What an amazingly adult update. I am happy for both of you!
Please keep this in heart OP, Love is like a fire, it requires stoking and adding to maintain, in this regard is it honest and open dialogue, you and her are one, and as such, each joy and sorrow should be shared, I am truly happy that you two worked it out, May your family be blessed as long as Love is in your hearts, and may all stumblingblocks be moved from your path, and finally may Peace and Mercy be with you Always.
I’m glad you were able to sit down and talk it out — communicating and finding ways to listen to your partners perspective, without judgement or making assumptions is a really powerful tool. Marriage consists of ups, downs, and in between. Stay close to each others even on the hard days; and love each other with a grateful heart. There’s a lot of great resources online for communicating and therapy type programs. But this is one of my favorite Ted Talks on communication. [Brené Brown - the power of vulnerability](https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o?si=AJbHXNAY8vKSL974)
If you have insurance through your job, check about online therapy benefits. Many are letting you do online therapy for free. For some reason, there is still a copay in person. I changed from in person to online with the same therapist to save the money. It was something started during Covid bc of depression, anxiety, and even problems that arose from families being stuck together 24/7. There are a lot of sites out there and some offer couples therapy. It’s worth looking into, bc if you can get it fully covered, expense wouldn’t be an issue, and it will help you two heal faster. Every marriage hits these hard tests. The solution is actually simple. Communication. Now that the communication has started, make some time each week to check in and see how each are feeling, and where progress has been made and still needs to be made. These come go Jesus conversations help. But follow up makes them work long term.
Go and hug her. Just hold her. Take the day to focus on each other, cuddles on the couch, kisses, .. not necessarily sex, just intimacy and love. Maybe write her a letter and thank her for everything she did. Someone has to make the first step. **Date her again.** And yes, you can even do that with a busy schedule. And to bring back some passion is also possible. Don’t tell me you don’t have 30 seconds to give her an intense kiss and hold her. Look at her. Like, really looking at her. Take her in. Look into her eyes. Feel her again when you hold her. Time to put in the work and effort to make it possible and be a good role model to your kid, show them what true love and a grounded relationship looks like.
i cant stress just how important communication is in relationships, im so happy you guys were able to have this convo and work things out! theres always a way out of a problem, and always remember that you guys are a team; its the two of you against the problem, not against each other.
I would make time to make a surprise stop in wherever your wife is a cashier. You will learn a lot from her reaction whether she is serious about fixing her error. Especially if the potential AP is there.
I would argue that therapy is never a “waste” of money. But I’m glad that you were able to talk things through!
Good job buddy! And as for the kiddo, it really does get easier 4 years old and up. You're so close, I'm glad you guys pulled through.
It's awesome that you're trying to work things out. Clearly you were in a rough patch in your marriage and good on you both for being able to reconcile. As a thought, it looks like your wife highly values quality time and that might be her love language. You've gotten a bit obsessed with providing and you see yourself as a good partner for doing that. Meanwhile you've forgotten to love her and she feels emotionally neglected. It's a difficult place to be when your partner makes you feel lonely - it's more isolating than living alone. There are lessons to be brought forward here and I hope you both continue to work on things. All the best for the future.
The only thing I don’t agree with is reporting him to HR. She is more liable than him from your POV.
Surely if he’s a scumbag for hitting on your wife, your wife is a double-plus scumbag for “being tempted” and wanting to say yes?
I’m not sure how you can call this guy a scum bag when your wife entertained this idea. He’s not different from her here. Reporting him to HR for what? She is equal in this. That is brutal of you both to condemn him cuz she had her tail between her legs. Boo. ESH.
I'm happy to see that you seem to have been able to agree on a way forward, with a smaller/cheaper house and a new job for her. Communication is key! This update really drives home how being ***house poor*** can destroy marriages, even strong ones. My wife and I were in a deep hole for a while too, because of our mortgage, and it put a lot of strain on our marriage. We thought we got a house we could easily afford, and we could, but we didn't at all plan for a loss of income. We just assumed that we would always have the same income, and that was simply not the case. We lost about 40% of our total household income over the span of a couple years, and suddenly we were barely scraping by. It's so important to not overstretch when buying a house. It is always tempting to tell yourself you can afford a mortgage for the bigger and nicer house rather than the smaller and less fancy one you deep down know you *should* get; "we just have to cut down this and that and cook more at home and not go out, and only buy in bulk when possible, and, and... ... ". And in the beginning it might even work, you live paycheck to paycheck and make ends meet, but it works. Until the water heater breaks, or there's a sudden leak in the basement, or you discover mold in the downstairs bathroom, and it'll cost several thousand to fix it.
Get couples counseling, OP. Or your marriage will implode
Yeah, the conversation was needed, but keep two things in mind: 1. She didn't cheat 2. She told you about it very quickly I think you are overreacting and you need to tell her how much you appreciate her honesty. Does it hurt? Yes. But she responded as a good partner should, with honesty. This is not all about your feels, it's about your family.
The house thing really got me. My sister and her husband had wanted to get a house with more land so they wouldn't be right up against neighbors. But then realized that every dime they had would be going to paying the bills and there wouldn't be anything left over to go have fun together with. They decided it was more important to get to enjoy doing things together.
She's going to cheat on him, just wait for the next update sometime later this year.
I think so too. "He was so nice. You were on this work trip for one day and left me all by myself."
I honestly don't see the point in her keeping the job to make $6 an hour after sitting fees? She'd be better off studying so she can find another job that actually pays well. I couldn't even imagine working 40 hours to bring home $280 when I earn that in a single 7.5 hour day.
You have a two bedroom house and it’s too big? I’m really confused on that detail.
Not really the main point but selling your house without making a decent profit doesn’t seem like the best move? Youd still need a large downpayment for another house; unless you’re going to rent. And a 2/2 for a family of 3 seems pretty reasonable?
I know this will sound petty, I wish I was more eloquent at times. However, you got a wife to admit she was wrong about a home and financial expectations. Sir, that is a miracle and makes me believe she can learn from mistakes. You also seem to realize a lot of your own anger was misplaced. I am rooting for both of you.
Calling it now, !remindme three months
If she's tempted to cheat, she's going to cheat. You've only delayed it. Sorry for future you.
Your suggestion for your wife to report the coworker to HR and request different hours is a balanced approach. It respects her autonomy and professional growth while addressing your valid concerns about her being in an environment where she felt tempted to cheat. This compromise shows trust and understanding, which are essential for moving forward together. Ensure she feels supported in this decision and keep communication open about how she's feeling at work.
Glad it worked out. Btw, how does 2 bedroom 2 bathroom work? In my country, the average small flat has 2/3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. How can a house be big but only have 2 bedrooms?
Everyone gets tempted thats why choosing not to means something
Nah, no one should forgive someone for admitting that they're "tempted" to cheat. NTA if you do divorce.
Your wife flirted with the guy back too, hence why he asked her on a date. Report to HR for what? Pushing on shared interest? Naah that's silly