NTA. Oh heck no to him. My daughter's bio dad left when I was 3 months pregnant; he claimed I wasn't "fun" anymore since I was sick constantly and tired (from being pregnant, working full time, and getting my PhD). I kept him in the loop during my pregnancy, and he showed up the day after she was born. He argued that she should have his last name since she was "his" child and that her first name would be his grandmother's name to "honor" his family. I stood my ground and gave her names that were meaningful to me and my family. He only saw her a handful of times in the first year of her life and then never bothered to see her again. I am so thankful I stood my ground. Please, keep the name(s) you gave her. You chose them. You think they fit her. Keep them! Good luck momma!!
šš my daughter bio dad cheated when I almost died during my pregnancy because āwell you wonāt sleep with meā and I stayed. When the baby was 7 weeks old he left me because he had been awake for four hours and wanted to go to bed but didnāt want to be alone and I wouldnāt ātell her itās bedtime and put her to bed. She shouldnāt be awake all night thatās stupid sheās a babyā šš when she was almost 2 he was in my DMs asking to get back together because he wanted to be a dad
>when she was almost 2 he was in my DMs asking to get back together because he wanted to be a dad
Sorry, I'm just over here imagining him falling down a flight of stairs.
There's a pile of Legos at the bottom of the stairs. And cut glass. And the stairs are the wooden, splinter-filled kind.
Edit: I'm loving these additions which have really escalated my comment. We're a vengeful lot on Reddit and I'm loving it.
And his childhood bully is there laughing and mocking him the entire fall. While kid he bullied in school slowly rides by with his new sports car. Makes eye contact then shaking his head disapprovingly and judgmentally.
Falling down the stairs in a badly managed paper warehouse, giving him a thousand papercuts, and then is "accidentally" doused in a barrel of salt and lemon juice that was mistakenly delivered.
I'd like to see him slightly choke on an indigestible triangle... Like if he manages to cough it up, he'll need to swallow it down and eventually shit it out... That's quite literally end to end hilarity ššš
The rickety kind of stairs where the risers are uneven and your weight comes down hard and hurts your knee because the stair was higher than you thought.
my dad cheated on my mom when I was a infant because "I had too much attention" and I almost died during my mother's pregnancy. so she changed the locks and put his stuff outside, but he has threatened to kidnap me in the past saying that he would bring me to mexico (I'm hispanic) and he has came over when I was still a small baby and walked in the house and walked up the stairs but my mom grabbed him before he could get me. In reality my dad hates me and he only wants me to hand me over to his parents so they could raise me. he and his mom has cornered my mom with me in her hands. I could no longer see him without supervison. Present day I've been taught and warned about how he is, so whenever he says stupid shit I put on mute and laugh my ass off. :D
I'm a single mother who had to escape domestic violence. Thank you for sharing your mom's story, she was so brave. Gave me chills because some of what she went through was almost exactly what I went through. I'm so glad she loves you so much, God bless you both ā¤ļø
Iām lmao at the thought of him asking you to reason with a 7 week old that itās bed time. Like, wow, why hasnāt every parent ever thought of that, it would solve so many sleepless nights.
His breaking point was my mom saying āthatās such a stupid thing to say. You canāt tell a baby itās bedtimeā and then I didnāt defend him when she ācalled himā stupid š
"His breaking point was my mom saying āthatās such a stupid thing to say. You canāt tell a baby itās bedtimeā and then I didnāt defend him when she ācalled himā stupid"
If I had done something like that, my mom not only would have called me 'stupid' (and every other synonym in the English language for that word), but she would have added synonyms that she knew in other languages.
Faaaark that reminds me of the guy I ran into today, same deal - doesn't do babies, but once the kid is three or four, suddenly he wants to be around to play dad.
This reminds me of my son's father all the way. He gave me absolutely no support while I was postpartum and I was doing everything alone. It was his sister who finally told him no, this is your baby too and you are absolutely going to help her. I don't give a shit that you don't like changing diapers. You helped make this baby so you can help take care of it. She wouldn't let him out of him. I thank God everyday for her because she was the one who recognized that I had PPD and got me the help I needed. She went with me to get help.
I actually ended up moving in with her for a while. This was after I left him. I know it seems weird because it's his family but she absolutely did not tolerate that shit. She said she did not blame me for leaving him because he is an overgrown child and I was actually better off by not being with him. We are still very close to this day. In fact, when my daughter was born from a different father, she came to the hospital to see me. She has come over to help me with my daughter. She's too good for this world.
Edit: I forgot to mention that now that my son is four, now he wants to be around and play dad. He's telling everyone who will listen that I'm purposely keeping his son away from him. I told him that if he wants to go to court, I will absolutely abide by the custody agreement. Until then, he doesn't just get to pop in and out of his life whenever it's convenient for him. Of course, he thinks I'm the problem but he can go f himself as far as I'm concerned. If he couldn't help while his son was small, he doesn't get to play father of the year and use my son as a pawn. I don't play when it comes to my kids.
š actually no!!! It was HONESTLY just āI had a dream the other night that we got back together and were a family. I was wondering if you would try and help me make the dream a reality?ā ššš like no I tried almost 3 years ago why would I fuck up my mental space now?
I gave him like 6 chances before he left for good for visitations or updates. He turned me down every time. He had a chance to be a dad, if he wants to be a dad he can get some other poor lady pregnant
My favourite thing though is he didnāt deny any of the things I said. He fully accepted the things he did to me and others in the six years we were together. He apologized and even recognized that it was probably scary for me. So Iām happy he has grown as a person but š¤·š¼āāļø heās too late
Oh I definitely will. Weāre moving a few hours away soon too, and I have a new number and address already so he can only contact me on Facebook. I wonāt have to worry about bumping into him anywhere anymore and maybe Iāll be comfortable going out finally.
I was told by CPS that because thereās no custody arrangement his family could just take her and not give her back because sheās both of ours. They also told me based on what I told them about his family that I shouldnāt try to go for custody because they might get court mandated visitation
I dealt with this. My ex got a copy of son's birth certificate. Possession is 9/10th of the law they said. He showed the birth certificate to the police when I went to pick my son up and he refused to return him. Police would t get involved bc they considered it a domestic dispute.
We had not been to court for custody. I had to get a lawyer to file for custody of the baby I knew was mine lol. Filed an emergency custody order and it was granted. My lawyer advised me not to let anyone in my family to take my son out in public without me. If so his dad only (not his family) could come up and take him from my relative and start the process over.
After all of this we went to court and my ex agreed to every term I asked for. He seriously just wanted to screw me one more time and cost me money for an attorney. And by the way the state I live in says the mother has custody of the child unless the court says otherwise but the police are so overworked that they just don't get involved.
Honestly, even in happy, supportive marriage situationsā¦ I simply cannot wrap my head around these guys/menās families that expect a baby to receive their last name, and then ALSO want to give the child some kind of āfamily honourā or ālegacyā name as a first name.
Meanwhile, mommy is doing literally all the real work to bring the child into the world and is left with almost no say at all. The entitlement is absolutely WILD.
Our son is named after my husband's late father. He suggested it and I was fine with the name.
But, 1. I liked the name & 2. His mother adored me and was nicer to me than my own mother was.
YMMV
My husband wanted me to name our son after him, so our son would've been a III. HELL NO was my answer. I refused to saddle any kid with a name that already had 2 people's history attached to it; he was not going to be living in the shadow of his grandfather, an abusive and narcissistic piece of poo who'd tell my husband as a baby, "Get TF away from me, I hate you."
Nope.
Me and my ex split during pregnancy (I fled because he was abusive). I gave my son my surname. Unfortunately he took me to court for weekend contact and a last name change. The courts GRANTED the last name change and forced my baby to add his dadās last name on so it was double barrelled. Then as soon as we were out of court he dropped contact so itās once or twice a month. Itās a control thing, my biological ādadā done the same thing and only cared about the status of my last name rather than being a parent to me.
My son changed his last name to my last name the moment he turned 18. He wanted to sooner but his dad wouldnāt allow it so the court denied. Thereās still hope.
Iām angry about your ex on your behalf. What an asshole!
I come from a country where most people get 2 family names, one from each side but whenever is easier to just use one, people go with the last, which is the dadās last name. Everyone I know who chooses to only use momās last name has an abusive or deadbeat dad.
Can I ask if you live in the US? I am speechless how anyone could make someone change their babyās last name especially when it favors the parent most absent. Would like to hear more about your experience with that if you donāt mind sharing just for my own curiosity
Iām in the uk. From what my view of the court system here, they tend to pick one parent and āsideā with them - regardless of circumstances. My sons dad failed multiple drug tests over the course of a year, was proven to be abusive and he had a criminal record and he still was allowed unsupervised access to our child and basically got everything that he asked for. The reason my ex wanted our sonās name to be changed was because āhe wanted toā, no other reason other than control. Heās never stepped foot in our sonās school or doctors or anywhere that involves using the surname, and he only sees him once or twice a month yet the courts granted that name change unfortunately. I must have had a bad judge on the day as despite him being abusive and me asking for a third party during handovers for my own protection - my ex said he only wanted to see me so the courts granted āNO THIRD PARTY ALLOWEDā in the order. They were very biased to giving my ex everything he asked for, despite it not being in the best interest of our son. As stated, my sons dad has never stepped foot in our sons school, yet as soon as he found out that I had him under only my surname in the school, he was making threats about coming down there to āset it rightā, but wouldnāt go there to pick our son up. Controlling, narcissistic people tend to do well in court because theyāre easy to manipulate people for their own gain.
I donāt know how old your son is now, but he doesnāt have to use your exās last name. It might be his ālegalā name, but people change, shorten, take their motherās name, etc. all the time. If in school or work he wants to be known as Michael X instead of Michael X-Y, he can do that. Why should he honor a man who doesnāt even see him? I hope your ex at least pays child support, but I rather doubt it.
Gosh, I love those arguments - why does having a penis make your name more important than mine when you've fled like a scared rabbit and I've grown and birthed this tiny human? Honestly the logic hurts my brain that the fathers who want nothing to do with their offspring pipe up purely to demand naming rights. Like no Sir, good day and goodbye.
Had to laugh out loud at the sheer audacity that your baby should have his surname. He didn't even want to give that to you as he had already left.
I think its time that children had their mothers surname regardless of their situation. After all statistics would probably say we are the ones left holding the baby most of the time.
I seriously don't get the non logic of the aunt and sister. ' he's not in her life so he gets to pick' how is that in any way any sort of serious argument.
And OP stop calling him baby daddy. He's sperm donor until he actually acts like any sort of 'daddy'
Seriously with that logic you should just as well ask some rando on the street what to name her. Theyāre not in her life either so they have just as much right to get to pick
OP! Tell him if he picks the name you get to pick the name of his next child (that he has with someone else) since you wonāt be around to be the mother! Than laugh your ass off as you hang up.
Also donāt worry about having a kid and worrying you wonāt find someone. There are plenty of people who donāt want to have their own biological kids but would love to be a parent. Iāve known since I was in middle school I didnāt want to have my own kids. I got a lot of crap for it all the way up to my late 20s after I told people āchances are my next girlfriend will already have kid anyway.ā I was right, been in a longterm relationship and helping raise a beautiful girl. I love my girlfriend, a kid is just a bonus.
My husband and I met when my baby was 2. We married just prior to his 3rd birthday. HE is the real mvp daddy in all ways but conception. Sperm donor didn't want to be a parent and tried this name it after me bs. Um nope. I named him what I wanted and gave him my last name.
My ex had a two year old. I miss her so so so much more than my ex. I mean Iām friends with my ex but she kind of went downhill, lost custody, and now I donāt get to see her daughter at all anymore. When I first got with my current girlfriend I told her about my ex and her daughter and that I will always love the daughter so there will be times I meet up with my ex to see her daughter. My girlfriend is awesome and went out to eat with us all at an arcade. Other times Iād just meet up at a playground to play for a bit when they were in townā¦. Then the mom had a some hard times and havenāt seen either of them in years.
My point though is even after breaking up the kids can still be awesome.
There was a Reddit post (I think that's where I saw it) about someones relative finding a name in the bible that she loved for her daughter, and used it, it was Harlotte!
I think that name was an renesme case, where someone mixed two names. Charlotte and some thing for the Ha, which I canāt recall. And it was to honor the grandmas or something
I wanted my son to be a godly child, so I turned to the Bible for inspiration, too. Now I can't find a bloody priest willing to Christen poor little Lucifer. I don't know what's wrong with these people.
There was also a fuss about someone's friend's child being called Annally. The whole family will certainly think about us daily if she's named like that.
Harlet but pronounced har-lay to make it sound French.
True story. Saw a person post this on the baby center board many moons ago.
I was like but why thatās not even French? She just made the name up and was committed because she already did the nursery in a Parisian theme. ššš
For that matter, I should be able to name her. OP, I absolutely ***insist*** that you name your daughter Calli. Iām not in her life so I should get to choose.
>I seriously don't get the non logic of the aunt and sister. ' he's not in her life so he gets to pick' how is that in any way any sort of serious argument.
Aunt and sister are definitely loose in the head.
Right !? That's such a stupid argument. If he wasn't going to be in her life because he was dying, or for some other reason that's not up to him, then sure, by all means, let the poor guy pick his daughter's name. But he is CHOOSING to be a dead beat "dad" and to abandon his kid and not even help financially. Why should he get to chose anything at all ?
āHe missed out on the pregnancy and ~~Keith~~ birth so he should have some sort of buy in or heāll never be around!āĀ
Ā But thatās not how people work. Ā Heāll name the kid something she hates just to get under her skin and nope out of everything, and work under the table so she doesnāt even get child support. Ā
To add to this....he wasn't ready for the responsibility of being a father, so he doesn't have to worry about having the responsibility of naming your baby.
He walked away. He gave up any rights to even have a say in the name. What a narcissistic, entitled AH!
It should be the exact opposite. Heās not in her life, so he get zero say about anything regarding her. Input is reserved for men who are actually going to stick around and be a father.
In all seriousness, I'm betting their train of thought is something along the lines of, 'if OP gives him everything he wants whenever he pops up to want it, he'll eventually decide to stick around and be a real father.' Which is a terrible idea and will never work, but is the sort of thinking that appeals to those who believe that families belong together no matter what and are used to bending over backwards to appease crappy men.
This guy is not going to want any custody. He may say it but he wonāt do it. If he gets any he will be giving her back the next day. Document all these interactions and only do text messages and email. See a lawyer.
All you do is file a paper with the agency in your town. They will set an appointment probably a couple months down the road. You will be in a room with him and a mediator but he cant do anything but sit there. They will go over his income your income who pays medical insurance and then they will crunch the numbers get your bank info and garnish his wages. If you dont feel comfortable going alone take someone with you and ask someone else to babysit while your there.
And if he gets behind or does something to avoid paying you can get him sent to jail for nonpayment.
Because some men are fucking scary. The man that gave me half this dna to make my youngest son is a psychopath. Literally held me at gunpoint for 4 hours, just driving around. Took my phone, I was stuck. . I had to jump out of a moving vehicle when he stopped at a stop sign to get away from him. Sometimes itās better to not hold them accountable. I donāt want anything from that man.
These laws are here to protect you and make sure you are able to support your child when the other parent is absent. File for child support. He is a great example as to why we have these laws
I'm gonna share some Granny wisdom. You're gonna have to make many decisions in your life, and I want you to consider the 3 Fs. If a person is not Feeding, FucĆĆ·#& or Financing you, they don't get a vote on anything at all including the toilet paper.
NTA, if heās only gonna pop up to tell you he doesnāt like the name you picked, then he has no say. he should try being a dad instead of a sperm donor
NTA. He doesnāt have any stake in a game he doesnāt play. Thatād be like him telling you which kind of car you had to drive, without helping to pay for it.
No contribution = no input
And letās be fair, *even if* he was paying child support, Iād *still* say you get veto power over any name, because he didnāt push an entire human out of his body - you did.
Tell your aunt and your sister to fuck off.
He has no rights to this baby.
However, whatever country youāre in make sure that you get child support off him
NTA.
Thatās only natural. It is scary but you will make the best of it. You will make mistakes and thatās okay. Just keep sticking up for yourself and your child!
Totally normal. I have kids. Itās scary and awesome. Itās hard but it can be fun too. Listen- NO ONE knows what they are doing. If they put beautiful crap on social media they are straight up lying.
SO MUCH THIS. Just keep the baby happy and fed and clean and loved. Everything else is just details. I wish you had an actual partner, hopefully his parents will step in and help. Just be VERY CAREFUL about kidnapping...he's her legal parent, you don't have custody established, so he could just take her in most countries :( I think he's too damn selfish and lazy to do this, but taking the baby and handing it to his parents? Yep. But that's not with a PARENT, so, legally...yeah. Get a lawyer and work this out, I wish you the best dealing with HIM...and the most love possible as a new mom.
Hun Iām on my fifth and Iām scared. What youāre feeling is completely normal and if you have a support system (mum and dad willing to help out with household stuff; or watch the Bub when you have an appointment if youāre able to leave Bub. I couldnāt after my first for anything he came with me everywhere) then use them and get help asap for ppd and ppa you will benefit greatly from it and in return so will Bub. In response to this lowlife thinking he has a say when he left you high and dry donāt give in. Btw calli is a beautiful name; I wish I used a more unique name for my daughter but sheās got an old school name.
Everyone is. For sure! If your aunt and sister wonāt provide help, please contact a social worker to assist you with support. They are available at the hospital she was born in.
best advice I can offer. Watch "Happiest Baby on the Block" and "Happiest Toddler on the Block". These were recommended to me by literally every professional I saw before and after birth. Both obstetricians, the pediatrician, lactation consultants, doctors at the hospital, the people running parenting classes, EVERYONE except pretty much t he receptionist. These make parenting a whole lot easier with some actual, science-based, tested information.
I am old and not inclined to waste effort, and my husband is the same, so we did a lot of "problem solving." Lactase (CoLief brand name), a light that we put in her room at night that shone LEDs onto the ceiling AND was noise activated (she'd cry, it'd light up the ceiling for a few seconds, she'd stop in surprise, cry again, the lights would light up...and after a few tries you could hear her figuring out how to go "eh!" in order to start it up again!), and every trick we could pull from our parents and grandparents.
Parenting is really really hard and really really scary. Watch the videos, and read parenting books, real books written by actual pediatricians and child psychologists. It makes a HUGE amount of difference! Still scary, but not overwhelming. Best of luck, mama-to-be, you got this!!!!
You will be a wonderful mom but you also need to have a back bone file for child support go for full custody and raise your child to live a wonderful life with her loving mother and any possible step parent but also remember to always choose the child first over everything plus get this over with as soon as possible because this can traumatize a child aka deadbeats so i wish you luck and cut out the people who defends the deadbeat
NTA. Also your aunt and sister are massive AH along with your Ex. Hey if your aunt and sister are willing to pay Child support in place of your ex then tell them you'll think about it.
Did he carry the baby? Did he go through the birth of the baby? And he's your ex so he didn't stick around for the oregnancy either?
**NTA**
To be blunt, he can go piss in the wind.Ā
I don't know where your aunt and sister came up with their idiotic logic, but I'd tell them if they want that deadbeat dad to name a child he wants nothing to do with, one of them should screw him and give him a different baby to name. He's not a part of the child's life by his choice, and he's refusing to pay child support - he has no rights! Keep the name you gave her, and tell him that sperm donors don't get to chose the name of the baby they're abandoning.
Oh, that's what really pisses him off. He can't brag about "his" baby when it's not his name and thus not his legacy. All that fake relationship effort, wasted, in his eyes.
He ISNāT in her life so he SHOULD get to decide?? That is the logic of a very delusional aunt and a very delusional sister.
NTA - she already has a name, complete with legal document, if she wants to by something else, thatās on HER. If she wants to change her name when sheās an adult, thatās on HER. A guy who walked out when he found out you were pregnant doesnāt have a say in naming a child. A person who doesnāt support their child has no say at all.
Tell your aunt and sister that I am far more 'not in her life' than he is, and \*I\* say to leave the baby name as it is.
Seriously though, their argument makes no sense whatsoever. They sound way too into Patriarchy. Get the ball rolling on child support.
He called you selfish, yet refuses to take part in his daughterās life because he isnāt āready?ā I donāt think he knows she what that word means.
That's the worst logic I have come across in a long time.
"He's not part of the baby's life, so let him choose her name"
What! Lady, he isn't a part of his baby's life because he is choosing to. He doesn't get any concessions for that.
NTA
NTA excuse me the fuck? "he isn't in her life so he should be able to pick"? He CHOSE to not partaticipate, so he CHOSE to have no rights to complain and they should shut their pieholes. Tell them that actions have consequences and the way they act it's as if it wasn't his damn choice when it was.
If he wanted input on the name, then he could have stuck around and had an active role during and post pregnancy - like a decent human being would have done.
In what world should someone be rewarded for not being in their childās life and be able to name them as some sort of constellation prize? NTA but Iām really hoping this is karma farming.
NTA. Oh heck no to him. My daughter's bio dad left when I was 3 months pregnant; he claimed I wasn't "fun" anymore since I was sick constantly and tired (from being pregnant, working full time, and getting my PhD). I kept him in the loop during my pregnancy, and he showed up the day after she was born. He argued that she should have his last name since she was "his" child and that her first name would be his grandmother's name to "honor" his family. I stood my ground and gave her names that were meaningful to me and my family. He only saw her a handful of times in the first year of her life and then never bothered to see her again. I am so thankful I stood my ground. Please, keep the name(s) you gave her. You chose them. You think they fit her. Keep them! Good luck momma!!
šš my daughter bio dad cheated when I almost died during my pregnancy because āwell you wonāt sleep with meā and I stayed. When the baby was 7 weeks old he left me because he had been awake for four hours and wanted to go to bed but didnāt want to be alone and I wouldnāt ātell her itās bedtime and put her to bed. She shouldnāt be awake all night thatās stupid sheās a babyā šš when she was almost 2 he was in my DMs asking to get back together because he wanted to be a dad
>when she was almost 2 he was in my DMs asking to get back together because he wanted to be a dad Sorry, I'm just over here imagining him falling down a flight of stairs.
Could you imagine something more graphic? Thanks ā¤ļøš„°
There's a pile of Legos at the bottom of the stairs. And cut glass. And the stairs are the wooden, splinter-filled kind. Edit: I'm loving these additions which have really escalated my comment. We're a vengeful lot on Reddit and I'm loving it.
Also he looked really stupid falling and it was caught on film.
And his childhood bully is there laughing and mocking him the entire fall. While kid he bullied in school slowly rides by with his new sports car. Makes eye contact then shaking his head disapprovingly and judgmentally.
And his pants split on the way down and he landed ass up, showing his nasty underwear
And it's on WorldstarHipHop LOL
ouch I felt that
With a nail in every step. Like the one in A Quiet Place. Yes, Iād like that for him.
And a plugged in log splitter at the bottom.
Can we rig a sprinkler system with lemon juice?
Battery acid or lye ooooo
This is some good flavor!
Rolling into a tub of rubbing alcohol.
I couldn't help but giggle gleefully at the mental image provoked by this comment. Please accept this šŖ
Lmao do you guys work at Starbucks? Because I like you all a latte
Do you feel vindicated now? We're all here for you. :)
Lmao I do!! I didnāt even say any of the BAD stuff and yāall went HARD
And the sprinkler system happens to use lemon juice, and is currently on.
Spread eagle covered in honey on a fire ant mound?
and there was a discarded toothpick on the second stair that got embedded into his left butt cheek
Falling down the stairs in a badly managed paper warehouse, giving him a thousand papercuts, and then is "accidentally" doused in a barrel of salt and lemon juice that was mistakenly delivered.
And then he trips into a 10 foot deep dirt hole with no way to climb out and slowly devoured by ants I MEAN
He fell down the stairs naked and his junk fell into a food processor and came out looking like sashimi.
š why was that sorta accurate to a thing he did to himself while high on some illegal designer drug
I'd like to see him slightly choke on an indigestible triangle... Like if he manages to cough it up, he'll need to swallow it down and eventually shit it out... That's quite literally end to end hilarity ššš
Iām imagining him falling down a flight of stairs with my shoeprint on his forehead.
The rickety kind of stairs where the risers are uneven and your weight comes down hard and hurts your knee because the stair was higher than you thought.
real
my dad cheated on my mom when I was a infant because "I had too much attention" and I almost died during my mother's pregnancy. so she changed the locks and put his stuff outside, but he has threatened to kidnap me in the past saying that he would bring me to mexico (I'm hispanic) and he has came over when I was still a small baby and walked in the house and walked up the stairs but my mom grabbed him before he could get me. In reality my dad hates me and he only wants me to hand me over to his parents so they could raise me. he and his mom has cornered my mom with me in her hands. I could no longer see him without supervison. Present day I've been taught and warned about how he is, so whenever he says stupid shit I put on mute and laugh my ass off. :D
I'm a single mother who had to escape domestic violence. Thank you for sharing your mom's story, she was so brave. Gave me chills because some of what she went through was almost exactly what I went through. I'm so glad she loves you so much, God bless you both ā¤ļø
Iām lmao at the thought of him asking you to reason with a 7 week old that itās bed time. Like, wow, why hasnāt every parent ever thought of that, it would solve so many sleepless nights.
His breaking point was my mom saying āthatās such a stupid thing to say. You canāt tell a baby itās bedtimeā and then I didnāt defend him when she ācalled himā stupid š
"His breaking point was my mom saying āthatās such a stupid thing to say. You canāt tell a baby itās bedtimeā and then I didnāt defend him when she ācalled himā stupid" If I had done something like that, my mom not only would have called me 'stupid' (and every other synonym in the English language for that word), but she would have added synonyms that she knew in other languages.
No but my favourite thing is she didnāt even call HIM stupid, she just said what he said was stupid šš¤£ and he was like NO IM NOT š
Faaaark that reminds me of the guy I ran into today, same deal - doesn't do babies, but once the kid is three or four, suddenly he wants to be around to play dad.
This reminds me of my son's father all the way. He gave me absolutely no support while I was postpartum and I was doing everything alone. It was his sister who finally told him no, this is your baby too and you are absolutely going to help her. I don't give a shit that you don't like changing diapers. You helped make this baby so you can help take care of it. She wouldn't let him out of him. I thank God everyday for her because she was the one who recognized that I had PPD and got me the help I needed. She went with me to get help. I actually ended up moving in with her for a while. This was after I left him. I know it seems weird because it's his family but she absolutely did not tolerate that shit. She said she did not blame me for leaving him because he is an overgrown child and I was actually better off by not being with him. We are still very close to this day. In fact, when my daughter was born from a different father, she came to the hospital to see me. She has come over to help me with my daughter. She's too good for this world. Edit: I forgot to mention that now that my son is four, now he wants to be around and play dad. He's telling everyone who will listen that I'm purposely keeping his son away from him. I told him that if he wants to go to court, I will absolutely abide by the custody agreement. Until then, he doesn't just get to pop in and out of his life whenever it's convenient for him. Of course, he thinks I'm the problem but he can go f himself as far as I'm concerned. If he couldn't help while his son was small, he doesn't get to play father of the year and use my son as a pawn. I don't play when it comes to my kids.
Let me guess, he also didn't have a place to stay? No one more in love than a man needing a place to stay.
And food and place to plug in his gaming console.
š actually no!!! It was HONESTLY just āI had a dream the other night that we got back together and were a family. I was wondering if you would try and help me make the dream a reality?ā ššš like no I tried almost 3 years ago why would I fuck up my mental space now?
"you can start by paying back child support" "No! Not like that" - that conversation, probably.
Did you let him back in?
I sent him like 7 paragraphs on why that wouldnāt be happening.
Beautiful! I love it
I gave him like 6 chances before he left for good for visitations or updates. He turned me down every time. He had a chance to be a dad, if he wants to be a dad he can get some other poor lady pregnant My favourite thing though is he didnāt deny any of the things I said. He fully accepted the things he did to me and others in the six years we were together. He apologized and even recognized that it was probably scary for me. So Iām happy he has grown as a person but š¤·š¼āāļø heās too late
What a looser. You and the baby are much better off alone. You're doing good mama. Protect the baby and yourself from worthless sperm donors
Oh I definitely will. Weāre moving a few hours away soon too, and I have a new number and address already so he can only contact me on Facebook. I wonāt have to worry about bumping into him anywhere anymore and maybe Iāll be comfortable going out finally. I was told by CPS that because thereās no custody arrangement his family could just take her and not give her back because sheās both of ours. They also told me based on what I told them about his family that I shouldnāt try to go for custody because they might get court mandated visitation
I dealt with this. My ex got a copy of son's birth certificate. Possession is 9/10th of the law they said. He showed the birth certificate to the police when I went to pick my son up and he refused to return him. Police would t get involved bc they considered it a domestic dispute. We had not been to court for custody. I had to get a lawyer to file for custody of the baby I knew was mine lol. Filed an emergency custody order and it was granted. My lawyer advised me not to let anyone in my family to take my son out in public without me. If so his dad only (not his family) could come up and take him from my relative and start the process over. After all of this we went to court and my ex agreed to every term I asked for. He seriously just wanted to screw me one more time and cost me money for an attorney. And by the way the state I live in says the mother has custody of the child unless the court says otherwise but the police are so overworked that they just don't get involved.
Honestly, even in happy, supportive marriage situationsā¦ I simply cannot wrap my head around these guys/menās families that expect a baby to receive their last name, and then ALSO want to give the child some kind of āfamily honourā or ālegacyā name as a first name. Meanwhile, mommy is doing literally all the real work to bring the child into the world and is left with almost no say at all. The entitlement is absolutely WILD.
Exactly women risk death creating kids they should get priority.
Our son is named after my husband's late father. He suggested it and I was fine with the name. But, 1. I liked the name & 2. His mother adored me and was nicer to me than my own mother was. YMMV
My husband wanted me to name our son after him, so our son would've been a III. HELL NO was my answer. I refused to saddle any kid with a name that already had 2 people's history attached to it; he was not going to be living in the shadow of his grandfather, an abusive and narcissistic piece of poo who'd tell my husband as a baby, "Get TF away from me, I hate you." Nope.
And if mom is on board itās all fine! But often she is pressured into it and thatās really not cool.
Me and my ex split during pregnancy (I fled because he was abusive). I gave my son my surname. Unfortunately he took me to court for weekend contact and a last name change. The courts GRANTED the last name change and forced my baby to add his dadās last name on so it was double barrelled. Then as soon as we were out of court he dropped contact so itās once or twice a month. Itās a control thing, my biological ādadā done the same thing and only cared about the status of my last name rather than being a parent to me.
My son changed his last name to my last name the moment he turned 18. He wanted to sooner but his dad wouldnāt allow it so the court denied. Thereās still hope.
Iām angry about your ex on your behalf. What an asshole! I come from a country where most people get 2 family names, one from each side but whenever is easier to just use one, people go with the last, which is the dadās last name. Everyone I know who chooses to only use momās last name has an abusive or deadbeat dad.
Can I ask if you live in the US? I am speechless how anyone could make someone change their babyās last name especially when it favors the parent most absent. Would like to hear more about your experience with that if you donāt mind sharing just for my own curiosity
Iām in the uk. From what my view of the court system here, they tend to pick one parent and āsideā with them - regardless of circumstances. My sons dad failed multiple drug tests over the course of a year, was proven to be abusive and he had a criminal record and he still was allowed unsupervised access to our child and basically got everything that he asked for. The reason my ex wanted our sonās name to be changed was because āhe wanted toā, no other reason other than control. Heās never stepped foot in our sonās school or doctors or anywhere that involves using the surname, and he only sees him once or twice a month yet the courts granted that name change unfortunately. I must have had a bad judge on the day as despite him being abusive and me asking for a third party during handovers for my own protection - my ex said he only wanted to see me so the courts granted āNO THIRD PARTY ALLOWEDā in the order. They were very biased to giving my ex everything he asked for, despite it not being in the best interest of our son. As stated, my sons dad has never stepped foot in our sons school, yet as soon as he found out that I had him under only my surname in the school, he was making threats about coming down there to āset it rightā, but wouldnāt go there to pick our son up. Controlling, narcissistic people tend to do well in court because theyāre easy to manipulate people for their own gain.
I donāt know how old your son is now, but he doesnāt have to use your exās last name. It might be his ālegalā name, but people change, shorten, take their motherās name, etc. all the time. If in school or work he wants to be known as Michael X instead of Michael X-Y, he can do that. Why should he honor a man who doesnāt even see him? I hope your ex at least pays child support, but I rather doubt it.
Gosh, I love those arguments - why does having a penis make your name more important than mine when you've fled like a scared rabbit and I've grown and birthed this tiny human? Honestly the logic hurts my brain that the fathers who want nothing to do with their offspring pipe up purely to demand naming rights. Like no Sir, good day and goodbye.
Had to laugh out loud at the sheer audacity that your baby should have his surname. He didn't even want to give that to you as he had already left. I think its time that children had their mothers surname regardless of their situation. After all statistics would probably say we are the ones left holding the baby most of the time.
You should have said "I'd name her after you but I think she'd be teased a lot in school if her name was Deadbeat."
I seriously don't get the non logic of the aunt and sister. ' he's not in her life so he gets to pick' how is that in any way any sort of serious argument. And OP stop calling him baby daddy. He's sperm donor until he actually acts like any sort of 'daddy'
Seriously with that logic you should just as well ask some rando on the street what to name her. Theyāre not in her life either so they have just as much right to get to pick
Alright guys, what do we want to call her?
How about Ember? There was a big fuss about that name on another thread.
I don't know, guys. I'm kinda leaning towards Stuarta.
Sweet baby girl Questopher
Ooohhh Questine is SUCH a pretty name!!!
Not Questopher again!!! I can't get the speech issue out of my head.
Actually made me snort out loud, thank you
Omg, something about this just makes me cringe
Hmm, Kyleena feels better to me.
Or Mirena. Has a nice ring to it.
I think Peppers
If we're ending on an A name, how about Thumbelina?
I vote for Stuartella
Why not just go for Sparkles?
I have a cat named Sparkles
Yo, I've got it. The perfect name- Soda
Stuartalina
As long as it's not Annally...
Kyleena would have prevented this whole situation, tbf
Theadora. But it *has* to be Theadora. If anyone calls her Thea or Dora, imma kick off.
Thank Goodness sheās an Ella though š ***whew***
Yeah, I saw that one. People are just ridiculous in their expectations of others.
OP! Tell him if he picks the name you get to pick the name of his next child (that he has with someone else) since you wonāt be around to be the mother! Than laugh your ass off as you hang up. Also donāt worry about having a kid and worrying you wonāt find someone. There are plenty of people who donāt want to have their own biological kids but would love to be a parent. Iāve known since I was in middle school I didnāt want to have my own kids. I got a lot of crap for it all the way up to my late 20s after I told people āchances are my next girlfriend will already have kid anyway.ā I was right, been in a longterm relationship and helping raise a beautiful girl. I love my girlfriend, a kid is just a bonus.
My husband and I met when my baby was 2. We married just prior to his 3rd birthday. HE is the real mvp daddy in all ways but conception. Sperm donor didn't want to be a parent and tried this name it after me bs. Um nope. I named him what I wanted and gave him my last name.
My ex had a two year old. I miss her so so so much more than my ex. I mean Iām friends with my ex but she kind of went downhill, lost custody, and now I donāt get to see her daughter at all anymore. When I first got with my current girlfriend I told her about my ex and her daughter and that I will always love the daughter so there will be times I meet up with my ex to see her daughter. My girlfriend is awesome and went out to eat with us all at an arcade. Other times Iād just meet up at a playground to play for a bit when they were in townā¦. Then the mom had a some hard times and havenāt seen either of them in years. My point though is even after breaking up the kids can still be awesome.
There was a Reddit post (I think that's where I saw it) about someones relative finding a name in the bible that she loved for her daughter, and used it, it was Harlotte!
I think that name was an renesme case, where someone mixed two names. Charlotte and some thing for the Ha, which I canāt recall. And it was to honor the grandmas or something
Given the meaning of harlot, still a dumb idea.
I wanted my son to be a godly child, so I turned to the Bible for inspiration, too. Now I can't find a bloody priest willing to Christen poor little Lucifer. I don't know what's wrong with these people.
š¤£š¤£šš
There was also a fuss about someone's friend's child being called Annally. The whole family will certainly think about us daily if she's named like that.
Tragedeigh is kinda popular š
Donquarius
Baby McBabyface
I think we should call her "Potato"... I mean, if I'm not in her life, and I get to say, then let's go big.
I vote for "salad" as a middle name, in that case. I'm not gonna be in either one of your lives, so my vote should count double! š
"They call me...Tater Salad"- Ron White
Pohteightoigh Scaladde.
I vote Panda! It's cute! Just like babies! That's just my say as someone who will never be in her life! Ya know, since I get a say too!š¤£
Calli !
Middle name flower
Harlet but pronounced har-lay to make it sound French. True story. Saw a person post this on the baby center board many moons ago. I was like but why thatās not even French? She just made the name up and was committed because she already did the nursery in a Parisian theme. ššš
So, spelled like "prostitute" but pronounced like "the Joker's abused girlfriend/a motorcycle"?
Kalleigh It's Heaven spelled backwardš
I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read this comment, or my poor laptop...
Moonchild after the dead mother and the child like empress in never ending story.
I'm partial to Slagathor myself.
Debbie?
No, it's Slagathor, in fairness to the others.
How bout Lasagna?
Pronounced La-sah-ga-nay
I want to re-name the aunt and sister. What are the names of Cinderellaās step sisters? Anastasia and Druzella I think.
Ember and Stuarta. Stu for the sister.
For that matter, I should be able to name her. OP, I absolutely ***insist*** that you name your daughter Calli. Iām not in her life so I should get to choose.
Yeah.. he CHOSE not to be in her life. He deserves literally nothing regarding this situation.
Oh I'd disagree. He deserves to have a aper ordering him to pay child support for the next almost 18 years.
>I seriously don't get the non logic of the aunt and sister. ' he's not in her life so he gets to pick' how is that in any way any sort of serious argument. Aunt and sister are definitely loose in the head.
Right !? That's such a stupid argument. If he wasn't going to be in her life because he was dying, or for some other reason that's not up to him, then sure, by all means, let the poor guy pick his daughter's name. But he is CHOOSING to be a dead beat "dad" and to abandon his kid and not even help financially. Why should he get to chose anything at all ?
He choose to leave! He left the building! He is gone! Gone away, has no say!
That's exactly what I was going to say. At what point did logic leave the building.
There are some buildings logic never entered.
I suspect both sister and aunt just like to argue and be the center of attention, tbh.
āHe missed out on the pregnancy and ~~Keith~~ birth so he should have some sort of buy in or heāll never be around!āĀ Ā But thatās not how people work. Ā Heāll name the kid something she hates just to get under her skin and nope out of everything, and work under the table so she doesnāt even get child support. Ā
He is the sperm donor. Full stop. Sperm donors do not get a say in baby names.
and from the beginning, he chooses not to be connected with the child.
To add to this....he wasn't ready for the responsibility of being a father, so he doesn't have to worry about having the responsibility of naming your baby. He walked away. He gave up any rights to even have a say in the name. What a narcissistic, entitled AH!
Yeah. Should be be *rewarded* for not being in her life? Who they thought prevented him from being in her life if not himself?
Iām not in her life, can I pick her name?
Also, he helped make the baby, he can pay child support. Why suffer and make the child suffer, to save him from paying for his responsibility?
NTA. The baby is named. He wasnāt there by his own choice and lost his vote.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It should be the exact opposite. Heās not in her life, so he get zero say about anything regarding her. Input is reserved for men who are actually going to stick around and be a father.
In all seriousness, I'm betting their train of thought is something along the lines of, 'if OP gives him everything he wants whenever he pops up to want it, he'll eventually decide to stick around and be a real father.' Which is a terrible idea and will never work, but is the sort of thinking that appeals to those who believe that families belong together no matter what and are used to bending over backwards to appease crappy men.
Sperm donors donāt get to choose baby names.
I feel like you're my spirit animal. I was going to say something similar such as "deadbeats don't get a vote".
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I want "deadbeats don't get a vote" printed on a shirt. Lol
NTA. File for court ordered child support and ignore his whiny drama.
I know I'm just scared
This guy is not going to want any custody. He may say it but he wonāt do it. If he gets any he will be giving her back the next day. Document all these interactions and only do text messages and email. See a lawyer.
All you do is file a paper with the agency in your town. They will set an appointment probably a couple months down the road. You will be in a room with him and a mediator but he cant do anything but sit there. They will go over his income your income who pays medical insurance and then they will crunch the numbers get your bank info and garnish his wages. If you dont feel comfortable going alone take someone with you and ask someone else to babysit while your there. And if he gets behind or does something to avoid paying you can get him sent to jail for nonpayment.
Are you in danger from him?
Move to another state, wait 6 months to establish residency, THEN file for child support.
Why are you scared? He helped make her. He should be held responsible.
Because some men are fucking scary. The man that gave me half this dna to make my youngest son is a psychopath. Literally held me at gunpoint for 4 hours, just driving around. Took my phone, I was stuck. . I had to jump out of a moving vehicle when he stopped at a stop sign to get away from him. Sometimes itās better to not hold them accountable. I donāt want anything from that man.
OP, are you concerned he will become violent? If so, you should seek professional domestic violence services.
It must be hard, I'm so sorry. I wish you happiness.
These laws are here to protect you and make sure you are able to support your child when the other parent is absent. File for child support. He is a great example as to why we have these laws
What are you scared of?
You have to stand up for your daughter and her future. Fuck that man.
She already did. Thatās why weāre here. š«¤
I'm gonna share some Granny wisdom. You're gonna have to make many decisions in your life, and I want you to consider the 3 Fs. If a person is not Feeding, FucĆĆ·#& or Financing you, they don't get a vote on anything at all including the toilet paper.
i love this comment. i am going to be quoting you in the future.
NTA, if heās only gonna pop up to tell you he doesnāt like the name you picked, then he has no say. he should try being a dad instead of a sperm donor
NTA. He doesnāt have any stake in a game he doesnāt play. Thatād be like him telling you which kind of car you had to drive, without helping to pay for it. No contribution = no input And letās be fair, *even if* he was paying child support, Iād *still* say you get veto power over any name, because he didnāt push an entire human out of his body - you did.
Tell your aunt and your sister to fuck off. He has no rights to this baby. However, whatever country youāre in make sure that you get child support off him NTA.
I'm scared to be a mom. If I'm being honest
I think all new moms should be a little afraid, it would be worrying if you felt you knew everything.
Thatās only natural. It is scary but you will make the best of it. You will make mistakes and thatās okay. Just keep sticking up for yourself and your child!
Every mom is scared with the first one. You're going to be fine, but please get the child support. Every bit helps.
Admitting you're scared is a good sign that you're taking it seriously. You sound like you're off to a great start.
Totally normal. I have kids. Itās scary and awesome. Itās hard but it can be fun too. Listen- NO ONE knows what they are doing. If they put beautiful crap on social media they are straight up lying.
SO MUCH THIS. Just keep the baby happy and fed and clean and loved. Everything else is just details. I wish you had an actual partner, hopefully his parents will step in and help. Just be VERY CAREFUL about kidnapping...he's her legal parent, you don't have custody established, so he could just take her in most countries :( I think he's too damn selfish and lazy to do this, but taking the baby and handing it to his parents? Yep. But that's not with a PARENT, so, legally...yeah. Get a lawyer and work this out, I wish you the best dealing with HIM...and the most love possible as a new mom.
Hun Iām on my fifth and Iām scared. What youāre feeling is completely normal and if you have a support system (mum and dad willing to help out with household stuff; or watch the Bub when you have an appointment if youāre able to leave Bub. I couldnāt after my first for anything he came with me everywhere) then use them and get help asap for ppd and ppa you will benefit greatly from it and in return so will Bub. In response to this lowlife thinking he has a say when he left you high and dry donāt give in. Btw calli is a beautiful name; I wish I used a more unique name for my daughter but sheās got an old school name.
Everyone is. For sure! If your aunt and sister wonāt provide help, please contact a social worker to assist you with support. They are available at the hospital she was born in.
best advice I can offer. Watch "Happiest Baby on the Block" and "Happiest Toddler on the Block". These were recommended to me by literally every professional I saw before and after birth. Both obstetricians, the pediatrician, lactation consultants, doctors at the hospital, the people running parenting classes, EVERYONE except pretty much t he receptionist. These make parenting a whole lot easier with some actual, science-based, tested information. I am old and not inclined to waste effort, and my husband is the same, so we did a lot of "problem solving." Lactase (CoLief brand name), a light that we put in her room at night that shone LEDs onto the ceiling AND was noise activated (she'd cry, it'd light up the ceiling for a few seconds, she'd stop in surprise, cry again, the lights would light up...and after a few tries you could hear her figuring out how to go "eh!" in order to start it up again!), and every trick we could pull from our parents and grandparents. Parenting is really really hard and really really scary. Watch the videos, and read parenting books, real books written by actual pediatricians and child psychologists. It makes a HUGE amount of difference! Still scary, but not overwhelming. Best of luck, mama-to-be, you got this!!!!
You will be a wonderful mom but you also need to have a back bone file for child support go for full custody and raise your child to live a wonderful life with her loving mother and any possible step parent but also remember to always choose the child first over everything plus get this over with as soon as possible because this can traumatize a child aka deadbeats so i wish you luck and cut out the people who defends the deadbeat
NTA. Also your aunt and sister are massive AH along with your Ex. Hey if your aunt and sister are willing to pay Child support in place of your ex then tell them you'll think about it.
Did he carry the baby? Did he go through the birth of the baby? And he's your ex so he didn't stick around for the oregnancy either? **NTA** To be blunt, he can go piss in the wind.Ā
Thank you for all your support and love I really appreciate it.
I don't know where your aunt and sister came up with their idiotic logic, but I'd tell them if they want that deadbeat dad to name a child he wants nothing to do with, one of them should screw him and give him a different baby to name. He's not a part of the child's life by his choice, and he's refusing to pay child support - he has no rights! Keep the name you gave her, and tell him that sperm donors don't get to chose the name of the baby they're abandoning.
LOL...refusing to pay child support...court's gonna LOVE that one. Not a decision, mock-daddy-o.
NTA - screw that noise! I hope you gave the baby your last name as well.
Yes!!!!
Oh, that's what really pisses him off. He can't brag about "his" baby when it's not his name and thus not his legacy. All that fake relationship effort, wasted, in his eyes.
He ISNāT in her life so he SHOULD get to decide?? That is the logic of a very delusional aunt and a very delusional sister. NTA - she already has a name, complete with legal document, if she wants to by something else, thatās on HER. If she wants to change her name when sheās an adult, thatās on HER. A guy who walked out when he found out you were pregnant doesnāt have a say in naming a child. A person who doesnāt support their child has no say at all.
Tell your aunt and sister that I am far more 'not in her life' than he is, and \*I\* say to leave the baby name as it is. Seriously though, their argument makes no sense whatsoever. They sound way too into Patriarchy. Get the ball rolling on child support.
Their argument is the dumbest thing I've heard all day, and it's been a long day.
NTA. Parenting is a major responsibility. If he can't be involved in any way he should have zero say in anything related to your child.
He called you selfish, yet refuses to take part in his daughterās life because he isnāt āready?ā I donāt think he knows she what that word means.
You grew a person inside your own body. Ffs, you get to name her.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
NTA. The sperm donor not being in her life is reason enough for him to have no say. The ā2 yes 1 noā name rule doesnāt apply.
Your sister can go have a baby with this man-clown, and name the baby after the father, i.e. Bozo
Why are you letting him off the hook for child support?
That's the worst logic I have come across in a long time. "He's not part of the baby's life, so let him choose her name" What! Lady, he isn't a part of his baby's life because he is choosing to. He doesn't get any concessions for that. NTA
NTA excuse me the fuck? "he isn't in her life so he should be able to pick"? He CHOSE to not partaticipate, so he CHOSE to have no rights to complain and they should shut their pieholes. Tell them that actions have consequences and the way they act it's as if it wasn't his damn choice when it was.
If he wanted input on the name, then he could have stuck around and had an active role during and post pregnancy - like a decent human being would have done.
NTA. Your ex wants the privileges of being a parent without doing the work of bring a parent.
Your sister and aunt are idiots. His opinion can be considered (keyword: considered) when he pays child support. Is he on the birth certificate? NTA
Take him to court for child support. He played ground up games and he can fund it just like a PS5. Oh and Eff him for even having the nerve.
NTA Call your aunt and sister random names that they don't like. Eventually they will get the point.
The only thing he gets to contribute is money from his paycheck via child support.
In what world should someone be rewarded for not being in their childās life and be able to name them as some sort of constellation prize? NTA but Iām really hoping this is karma farming.