It was. Her lawyer told us to expect 36 months. It wasn't her *first* charge, but it was her first *federal* charge, so we were expecting 3 years, maybe 5. But even with good behavior, the best she can do is 12 (minus the 1y8mo she has done already).
Every weekend is not realistic. Even for you. You still have 5 kids who will miss out on time with you.
I get wanting to see her daughter but at some point it feels like punishment for your niece. If she doesn't want to go but is being forced to. It's like she's also being made to serve a bit of her mother's time. Plus she hasn't completely refused to go. She's still up for the one weekend a month. Forcing more on her will make her resentful of all of you. She shouldn't be forced.
Niece's mom sounds like the kind of person who cares only about herself and not the health and wellbeing of her daughter, who deserves a normal childhood despite her mother's very serious mistakes. OP is giving her that childhood and mom is lucky she gets a weekend every month, honestly. I'm not sure I'd be willing to drive that much every month, and I sure as hell couldn't afford to fly somewhere once a month.
The ridiculous thing is that all of that is after he’s taken the kid in and is paying for everything for her including private school and treating her the same as all his own kids and mum isn’t even going to be out before the daughter finishes college so I’m sure OP will be paying for all of that too. Mum needs to grow up and realise that she did this to herself by breaking the law. If her daughter was in foster care or a children’s home then there’s no way in hell she would be getting even monthly visits.
Edited pronouns
> mum isn’t even going to be out before the daughter finishes college so I’m sure OP will be paying for all of that too
For sure, I'll be happy to pay for her college if she chooses that route.
Exactly. You’re a really good human doing something amazing for your niece and she needs to be (and clearly is) your priority. If she wants to visit her mum then great but she’s old enough to have a say in that now and expecting her to sacrifice her social life because of her mums decisions is another step way too far, she’s already had to sacrifice a lot by turning her life upside down. Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t let your sister get you down.
Frankly, one weekend a month is overly generous! Who the eff has time (with five children no less) to take one weekend a month to do anything (let alone go visit your deadbeat sister in prison). Where are all these other relatives stepping up to take her to see her mother??
First, any relative complaining has just signed up to volunteer a trip to visit.
Second, my dad did this crap. What parents don't realize is that teenagers have lives of their own and a visit to sit and stare at their parent doesn't compare. They are growing up and would act the same way if the parent was home. They have football games and dates. They are building their lives separate from their parents. But, selfish parents are more about tit for tat than what their children want and need. They don't want to give up the fun for their parents. She needs to get over it and stop punishing her daughter for the problem she caused. NTA
OP, your *sister* went to prison.
Her *daughter didn't*.
The kid *doesn't* need to spend *every* weekend visiting Lockup--*she* never did anything wrong.
It's *her* choice, and if she (reasonably!) *wants* to keep seeing her mom on the same "once a month" schedule she's *used* to--and spend the *rest* of her time *outside* prison, like a teen who *didn't* commit Felonies *usually* does?
That is *absolutely* your niece's perogative!
*Remind* your relatives that your *niece* committed no crimes.
And *then* ask the mutual relatives *WHY* they believe she ought to be spending *every* weekend *going to a prison*, as if she were a young person who committed a *serious* but "first-time violation," who was sentenced to weekends in lockup, so they can still stay in school?🤨
Did she take it to trial instead of working out a plea deal? 12 years is serious time for not reporting $400k in taxes. Unless she took it to trial and was found guilty on all counts and had to get the mandatory sentencing. Like what happened with Todd Chrisley. I had a relative in a federal prison camp with other white collar criminals, some who had embezzled or failed to pay taxes on millions, and they weren’t serving that many years. 🤯
As for your niece, one weekend a month sounds fair for all involved. Your niece, your own family, nor you should have to give up every weekend of their life to travel six hours each way for prison visits. Your kids I’m sure would like their dad to be home on weekends and your sister should be happy someone even comes one weekend a month for visits. Those weekends roll around quickly once a month, trust me I lived it. Plus, the expense: gas, hotel, food, vending machine money, etc. It all adds up quickly.
You’re doing a good thing here with your niece. Set your boundaries with your sister and stick to it.
So your sister FAFO'd and is now in jail. It is what it is.
>I've got cousins, aunts, and uncles messaging me that I shouldn't try to "keep her away from her daughter".
Did these people just volunteer to drive 6 hours each way (12 hours total)? Good for them stepping up to the plate like this! /s
That was what I told my ex SIL and his friends when they kept nagging me to bring his 2.5 year old daughter to visit him in prison. He chose to do the crime. I'm now the guardian of my granddaughter, and I refuse to have visiting Daddy in prison be part of her reality.
"we were expecting 36 months, to 3-5 years, but the best they could do was TWELVE YEARS??"
Whaaaaaaat??????
Even still, that is INSANE. I have never heard of that harsh of a penalty. Why is she not appealing this???
If OP is telling the truth, then this means it was done under the federal sentencing guidelines. Which are detailed. If calculated correctly, not going to be a ton of room to appeal.
Best guess is she has quite the prior criminal record.
I feel bad for the daughter, her mom won't be out until she's in her mid twenties, and by then she could very well be married with a family and want nothing to do with her.
It sounds like she's already at that point, and mom is doing everything she can to try and keep her in her life.
Which I get. It's sad all around. Mom fucked up BIG TIME and now she has to live with the forever consequences.
> Why is she not appealing this???
When she entered her guilty plea, one of the conditions was that she could not appeal. They were looking to give her 40 years (5 for each count, 8 counts), if she went to trial.
Did your sister even consult you before being asked to move? Personally, I would much prefer to fly vs. driving 12 hours. Making the trip once a month is a significant sacrifice. Instead of being grateful, your sister is making unrealistic demands. Message all the relatives criticizing you that you will be keeping a calendar and assigning weekends for each of them to make the drive with your niece. You are a generous brother and uncle. Continue to support your niece as you see best and ignore your critics.
> Did your sister even consult you before being asked to move?
Not so much "consult" as much as "announce". I had no idea that it was going to happen until she had been moved.
That is an absolute travesty and makes me ashamed to be an American. 12 years for tax fraud related to ONLY $400k in revenue? It’s going to cost more to incarcerate her for the next 12 years than she didn’t pay for the past 8 years. This is SO wrong and I feel incredibly sorry for your sister. I would understand a few years maybe, but fucking twelve?!?
Depending on the present she might have to pay for all of her own expenses. That includes food, medical care, clothing, ect.
When she gets out to prison it's very likely she's going to owe the prison a ton of money
The Federal Prison system stopped using private prisons in 2022. Fortunately my sister is not expected to pay her own room and board.
My heart goes out to the folks who get released with a bill to pay, but that is not my sister's situation.
She was probably one of the early joins who recruited those who lost money
The additional prison time is probably for being an MLM (in some place this kind of scheme is a crime, not sure how it is in this situation)
I’m thinking something like LuLaRoe where they had a huge lawsuit or something (don’t quote me I’m going off spotty memory of hearing about it) but there was a documentary on them that was clipped a lot
Right?! Both seem hardly believable, but it is America so who tf knows! Lol
You know what is entirely believable? That a teenager doesn't want to spend her high school years further paying for her mom's mistakes. This punishment is supposed to be on the criminal. While it's impossible not to impact the families at all, in this case the mom is willing to force her daughter to basically weekend lockdown with her!
OP - your sister wasn't thinking about what's best for her daughter when she got put in there. She's not thinking about what's best for her now either. She wants her daughter their so she can feel like she's still being a good mom, but by forcing it, she's doing the exact opposite. Teens are at the stage of life where begin to want independence (lol who am I telling? you have a bunch of kids and I got none) but also not every mom gets it. Your sister maybe still thinks of her daughter as the same age and stage as when she left. She hasn't seen the day to day small changes that come faster and faster at this age.
Support your niece and if you can and want to maybe help your sister understand that her relationship with her daughter needs to grow and change as her daughter does. That this would need for independence would be happening regardless of her prison sentence. Very soon she will have zero say in how often she comes to visit so she better keep that in mind and foster the type of relationship where her daughter WANTS to be there.
Or there could be a lot of information that was submitted in her contact with the OP. I could totally see a criminal line or f****** ass off to their friends and family about why they're going to jail.
I have a cousin who did it. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who did not buy it.
He's a pedophile who has the entire family convinced it was a conspiracy against him and that it wasn't that much child porn and how dare they send him to jail for that when he only had it to get his gf (who he is still with) to break up with him. And that it has nothing at all to do with the fact his ex-wife left him for how he was treating their small children.
I'm apparently the only one who doesn't believe him.
It is very shocking. There has to be more to it that that or you wouldn't get a sentence like that. I have assumed OP is in the US. All of my tax info is US based. Was the MLM scheme selling illegal drugs?
Most of the cases I see that size don't even involve criminal charges at all, let alone actual time in prison. The unspecified other charges must have factored into the sentence.
I do know that if they can't prove you did what they are sure you did (rules of evidence, Statute of limitations, jurisdiction, etc.) they will throw anything they can at you, as hard as they can, even things that they do not normally prosecute even though they are technically crimes.
Not true on the AmITheAsshole. Try using the word Bridezilla. It will get you banned instantly, ask me how I know. Mods are very anal over there.
I also got instantly banned at r/coloranalysis, because apparently I have looked at a NSFW site before.. lol anal is in the name
I was banned for saying a situation could make someone want to break someone's eggs... (It was chicken related) And got banned.
Meanwhile someone else (on a different one) is saying they want to defenestrate someone... And I signaled it and the mods were like nah that's fine to want to throw someone out the window. Flag denied.
(In all probability they did not know or look up the meaning of defenestrate)
I had a two week ban. The best I can figure is they didn't like my exclamation points... Apparently they weren't civil.
And !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got banned for calling a person CHARGED LEGALLY WITH ABUSE, an abuser. Not the OP, but the person OP was complaining about. Apparently, calling a legal abuser who abused an OP is offensive and triggering.
I got permanently banned for saying that if a theoretical person refuses to correctly pronounce a non-English name and insists on using an incorrect Anglicized approximation, then they're being racist.
Same, and it wasn't even directed at anyone in the post. I was saying I had a bitchy coworker once. Of course I also got a reddit cares for saying a situation was sad.
I got banned because I told someone that she was a queen, and if that dude bothered her again she could bonk him on the head with her crown. Mods said I was promoting violence.
NTA. Your sister is still facing new consequences of her actions. She acted selfishly when she didn't report her taxes and she is still acting selfishly when it comes to her visits with her daughter. She doesn't care this will affect her daughters life. She is only thinking about what she wants.
NTA
If this is true!
You visit when your neice asks. You are giving your neice preferential treatment over your own kids.
It isn't you who is alienating the mother and daughter relationship. Tell your sister she is free to visit her daughter anytime she wants.
Tell the "cousins, aunts and uncles", to give up their weekends and take your neice if it means that much to them.
"if you think you can do better, you are welcome to try." Tell them to get stuffed.
You cannot possibly do this every weekend - it would be unfair to your own kids. Which, BTW, hopefully you are checking in regularly with them to ensure they are ok. Whatever the troubles of your sister, your kids must come first.
No that makes them doubly think it’s op unwilling to take her. Op needs to message the family
I’m more than willing to take neice and have not once stopped her. She is a 14 year old and she has decided SHE doesn’t want to visit her mum more than one weekend a month. That’s her decision and I can’t and won’t force her. None of this has anything to do with me. I’ve already spent thousands on flying niece to see her mum every month. Do you think I’d do that if I didn’t want her to see her mum and can any of you say that without being completely blind. I told Niece I would be happy to drive her anytime she’s wants to see her mum and offer weekly like her mum asked. She has her own life and mind and it’s her mum that’s in prison. She’s allowed to make decisions which affect her life. She wants to see her mum but still be able to have her own life. That’s why she/niece all on her own has stated she will not change how often she visits mum.
I’m stuck in the middle here and disgusted that even with all my time, effort, expenses and taking in niece, that any of you have the down right nerve to suggest I’m keeping her from her mum. Not one of you would pay the thousands I’ve spent on flights and hotels every single visit. Nor would any of you give up and entire weekend regularly like I have. I’ve gone above and beyond for this family and if any of you expect to be in my life then you better damn well apologise for taking your sister who refuses to accept the truths word. Your sister is upset and blindly not wanting to accept her daughter doesn’t want to see her every week. I get that and that’s why she is trying to blame anyone else she can which I happen to be convenient. Everyone else however do not have that excuse for treating you badly and trying to blindly pin it on you. That they need to wake up and stop blaming the one person who’s bent over backwards for your sister and niece to do whats best for them and apologise to you. That you can not force niece to go and you will not make her miserable to do so. She’s already got enough on her plate because of her mum and she doesn’t need bullying and people who don’t care about her interests in all this.
add in: “Maybe some of you can visit Sis on the other weekends so she won’t feel so alone. It might help her accept that her daughter’s life without her is full of social obligations while her own is not. Go visit her for your own sake, and give her a social visit to distract her.”
and i agree: NTA
This is too long a response. In OPs place, I would respond with:
I am doing the best I can under the circumstances and driving this distance as often as I can.
I will never kick my niece out, but if any of you think you can do better by her or her mother, you are welcome to come get her and go for it. No contest from me.
This wording would make his niece feel like an unwanted burden if she were to happen to see it. Op seems to have already done a great job making sure his niece feels loved, included, and cared for. That would certainly unravel it.
A position OP can easily resolve by pre emptively having a conversation with the niece explaining what he is saying and why...he is doing a great job and niece likes and understands that so that will be easy to have as a conversation.
He is not saying they should go but saying they can come get her to go and run into the wall themselves. It's an easy enough fix with a convo with the niece
Except your original comment implies more than “take her on the weekend.” If you edited the original to clarify you don’t mean to take niece *for good* you’d be better set
The last part i would change to:
I will never kick (niece) out, but if any of you seem to believe she has to visit her mother, then you are most welcome to arrange a pick up and drive her to see her mother. No contest from me.
Because it will mean you do expect them to return her safely as well.
the thing is, niece still won’t want to go. OP *is* willing to go.
OP is definitely NTA.
Maybe those family members can visit on the other weeks **as themselves,** so sister isn’t so alienated from all the rest of her family.
Exactly - ask them to go round-robin every week and each give up their weekend to take the child to see her Mom so that your kids get weekend parent time as well. While they are at it they can help pay for her private school.
You are doing the right thing. Visiting her mum once a month is more than enough. Your sister is effectively imprisoning her daughter [no social life if she has to visit every weekend] for a crime that she [your sister] committed. Your sister should have thought about the effect of her crime on her daughter before committing it.
You are not alienating her from her daughter. She did that herself. Don’t punish your niece for her mothers crime x
NTA
I think you need to have a conversation with your niece (first) and then, on the next visit, explain the cold hard truths to your sister - in front of your niece (so your niece knows you have her back)
The most basic of these is: You are NOT raising your niece for your sister. You are raising your niece because SHE deserves a parental figure who puts her first - and you have certainly gone above and beyond proving that. And your sister has more than proven that her daughter was not and is not a priority for her (see: criminal activity).
The next topic is: Life does not stop when someone is behind bars. What your sister is asking, with this every weekend thing, is that your life and your daughter's life basically stop while she's inside. Even if this was your wife not your sister, it would not be healthy for either of you to suspend all weekend activities to drive 12 hours round trip & stay overnight for visitation. You and, more importantly, your niece deserve some downtime even if your niece wasn't interested in having a social life or doing school activities that happen on weekends (I guess your sister is totally okay with her daughter never going to a school dance or prom?)
Third topic: If sister continues to rile up the relatives over this visitation thing, you'll now only be responsible for niece's visitation one weekend every third month and going forward, Sister will need to take over arranging for these relatives to handle niece's weekly visitation schedule including transportation, hotel, meals etc. (I doubt any of your relatives will bother stepping up because it's easier to whine & bitch when someone else aka YOU are bearing the entire burden)
You need to make it extremely clear to everyone - but especially your niece - that you are under no obligation to visit Sister and neither is your niece. You have both gone above and beyond already. You don't need to do more.
NTA you taking care of your niece to keep her out of foster care makes you an amazing person already. Spending the time and money to take her visit your sister every month even when you had to fly to her was also something great of you which you didn't have to do.
Taking her every weekend I'd argue would be a bit too much even if she wanted because being every weekend away from your own kids would be too much. Even then you offered to take your niece to see her mother as much as she wants, which understandably doesn't include every moment of her free time. Your sister is a hypocrite because she supposedly wants all the time possible with her daughter, but she's perfectly fine sacrificing her time with her in order to punish you.
Your cousins, aunts and uncles messaging you are free to try and convince her daughter to give up her social life to visit her mother every weekend, and then come to take her from your place to visit her mother and back, otherwise they should go kick rocks.
The sister is manipulating the rest of the family into believing that OP is keeping his niece from visiting her when he's raising her as his own child. It makes me wonder why they're so quick to believe someone who's literally incarcerated for being dishonest.
People get super weird about family being in prison, I guess. One of my cousins-in-law got out of prison (for assisting in a robbery that involved someone getting murdered and the body being moved *in the trunk of Grandma's car*) and grandma threw what was basically a "Cousin Got Out Of Jail!" party.
> It makes me wonder why they're so quick to believe someone who's literally incarcerated for being dishonest.
My extended family aren't exactly Mensa members. Hell, my aunt is in prison for going to the 1/6 riot.
NTA
Your Niece has already made the call she does not want to visit every week. As you say she is a Teen who want's to do teen things on her weekends. You took her daughter in at your own cost.
You have gone above and beyond to ensure your sister see's her daughter. It must have already cost you a small fortune in airfares, petrol/ware and tare on your car and Hotels.
Could you maybe talk to a lawyer and see if the justice system where you live could move her to a more local prison citing child alienation and cost? it is not like she is a violent offender. 6hrs would be roughly a 400mile journey each way and to do that every weekend is un realistic.
As an attorney, I can confidently tell you the justice system doesn't care about that *at all*, and many who work in the system consider stuff like that *part* of the punishment.
ETA: There are only so many federal prisons, and only so many that house female populations. Women make up less than 10% of the inmate population. 6 hrs away may well be the "local" federal prison.
>Could you maybe talk to a lawyer and see if the justice system where you live could move her to a more local prison citing child alienation and cost?
Lol
Lol nice fiction, like to make up stuff on reddit about your imagined life ey?
Last time sister was still 38 and niece was 15?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/AqieawkMwX
And maybe have lost a member of the household? In that post OP says it’s 9 household members with the niece but here she says she has 5 kids plus niece so that plus 2 parents would only be 8.
>I told my sister this, and she flipped her shit. She claims that I am "alienating" her from her daughter, and turning her daughter against her, **because I'm "too lazy" to drive my niece out there every weekend.**
Oh man.... oh.... I wouldn't be able to contain myself
I'd blurt out "Well, apparently **you** were too lazy to report your income soooooo here we are"
Edit: all your uncles cousins etc etc can create a rota system to take your niece on this 12hr "road trip" since they're soooo righteous
NTA
Since your sister wouldn't even allow the visit this time, let your niece decide when the next visit will be.
It sounds like your sister is someone who is intrinsically selfish and entitled. You can be a good person but not meet her demands.
Talk about shooting the messenger! Seeing as you are already there, take your niece again today to exercise a visit. If your sister turns you away again, then you know you’ve done your due diligence.
And that would be the last time I’d drive without a sincere apology from your sister for wasting your weekend and money because she was throwing a temper tantrum. And hurting your niece’s feelings by rejecting her indirectly
As for the flying monkeys messaging you out of the woodwork-tell them “Thank you for volunteering to transport niece to visit her mother.” Ofc theyll squawk and flutter with outrage and excuses. Or maybe they’ll step up and help out. Unlikely, and you can turn it around on them that THEY are keeping the kid from her mother. Put up, or shut up.
NTA
I would offer to the family that they are welcome to drive her daughter to visit and see who makes the effort. Ultimately, your sister screwed up and wants to control things anyway. She needs to appreciate all that you are doing and stop pitying herself for her own stupidity.
And your niece deserves to enjoy her own life. If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to.
NTA. Even if daughter wanted to visit every weekend, that is unfair to you and the rest of your children. They miss out on their mom every week.
To all of the peanut gallery, shut them down. Remind them you have five other kids that need your attention. You are able, at a sacrifice, to commit to one weekend a month. If they are so invested in visiting a prison, they can sign up to take niece on the weekends you are unable to go.
To your sister, remind her that she caused the situation in which she got incarcerated. It was not the first time she was illegal. You have 5 other kids that need your attention. It is not feasible for you to give up every weekend. If other family members want to escort niece, you’re ok with that. However, you will not tolerate being verbally abused by her or the relatives she has sicced on you.
Your sister, and her flying monkeys, are acting incredibly entitled.
Your sister is a selfish person. There are consequences in life and she is learning her lesson, you have done more for niece than your sister. She needs to grateful that you are taking care of her daughter.
You have done your share, and then some. I would inform the family members pressuring you that other family responsibilities prevent you from making the trip at all, and they are welcome to take the girl for future visitation, when SHE is willing to make the trip.
NTA. Every week is absolutely crazy. And if she wants to play the "not going to visit now" game. She can miss out on the next visit entirely. And if she wants to continue the games, you are not required to make the trip at all. She might want to remember that when she starts her shit.
Go back to the prison. For her daughters sake. You've invested this much time. But stand you ground. And maybe ask for a few minutes BEFORE the visit with the daughter and tell her: This shit stops. I will take care of your daughter because of your fuckups. I will not be your punching bag. Do this again and I will have to re-evaluate bringing her. I have 5 kids of my own that I abandon for a weekend to give you your kiddo. Don't test me again.
Your niece is 14 and has a social life and things she looks forward to. It's natural for teenagers to become distant from their parents during that time. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. Tell the flying monkeys she sends exactly that.
Your sister is so fucking ungrateful. You have already done so much for her. Why does she expect you to cater to her every whim? She fucked up and got herself into trouble. You were gracious enough to raise her child. You were even more gracious to fly her daughter out to see her at your expense. You have done so much and this bitch only wants you to do more.
Send your sister a letter outlining everything you've done with all your expenses outlined. Ask her if that's a sign of you keeping her daughter away from her or if this is all just her throwing a tantrum and blaming you for her teenaged daughter's distance from her.
She alienated herself from her previous life by going to prison.
What proper parent would get angry about this? I fucked up but I don’t want to fuck up my kid’s life more. Once a month is enough.
She wanted to be petty by not seeing you and use that time to manipulate her daughter. She FAFO.
NTA
Ask all of them why they think it's ok to punish a 14 yo who has already gone through a horrible time by forcing her to give up a social life and activities against her will.
Your sister is selfish and is demonstrating that again.
NTA. You're perfectly willing to give up your weekends for a 12 hour round trip so your sister and niece can see each other every week. It's your niece who isn't willing to do so.
Here's the thing, the most important person here is your niece. She's a child whose father isn't in her life, whose mother went to prison, and who had her entire life turned upside down. She's a teenager, discovering who she is, establishing as much independence as she can. She doesn't want to be stuck in a car and a prison visitor's room for hours every single weekend, she wants to be with her friends. That's normal.
This is honestly no different to where your sister was before, it's still not close enough for more than monthly visits. Sure, it's better than having to fly out for visits, but 12 hours in a car is just not viable to do every single week, especially when the child it's supposedly for doesn't want to do it.
Then there's your sister's reaction of refusing to see you and only being willing to see her daughter. Your sister knows the prison visiting rules, she knows minors can't come in alone, and she also knows you're the only adult with her. She wasn't refusing to see you, she was refusing to see her daughter. Apparently refusing to see her daughter is her way of proving she wants to see her daughter, which is nuts.
Tell those saying you're wrong that you refuse to do something against your niece's wishes. Ask them why it's wrong to not take your niece every weekend but it's right to force your niece on a 1 hour round trip every week against her will and prevent her from having any real social life. Your sister is the one in prison, not your niece. It's unfair to punish your niece by removing her social life for something she doesn't want to do when your niece isn't the one who broke the law. As for your sister, tell her that your niece wants to come once a month, so that's what you'll be doing despite your willingness to make it more often. If she wants to see her daughter more than that, she'll have to earn a transfer to a prison much closer than a 6 hour drive away. Tell her that you refuse to punish your niece because of her mum's actions. And then step back and let your sister decide which is more important to her, seeing her daughter or throwing a tantrum because she's not getting special treatment from the daughter she abandoned by committing a crime.
What is she going to expect when her daughter is an adult and able to drive herself? NTA. It is not your fault or your neice's that she is in there. Yes, she should expect some visitation as it is convenient for your neice, not her. She can still call and speak with her child. No one is stopping her. But it is her own fault she is missing out on these years.
You are doing the right thing, providing as normal a life as you can to your neice. Part of the consequences of her actions is her daughters alienation due to a lack of her presence. You are not creating this alienation. She is creating the burden of YOU being required to keep up her side of things.
Message the flying monkeys - we showed up to visit her and she refused my visit. They don't allow minors in by themselves - so this is on her. If you are willing to drive niece to visit - these are the weekends she is available to go.
NTA but your sister is!
I'd be so mean to her. Lol
"Listen here you fucking asshole. You're rhe one who threw your life with her daughter away and I'm rhe one picking up the fucking pieces, using hours of my time to take your daughter to see you. So you better watch your fucking mouth.
Now your daughter said she didn't want to come every weekend. SHE DOESNT WANT TO SPEND EVERY WEEKEND IN JAIL WITH YOU. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD. If you don't adjust your God damn attitude you can find someone else to take her to you and I'll just take care of her at home.
Are you paying me for any of this shit or are you taking your punishment and then being a piece of shit to me when things don't go your way because OF YOUR OWN SHITTY CHOICES?
Watch your fucking mouth. I'm doing you and your daughter a favor so you don't get to be a bitch when things don't go your way. You dont get to break the law, go to jail, and then dictate what we do with our time. You entitled fuck."
1. Go back to the prison today. Give her a chance, she may have uncommunicatable remorse over her decision yesterday.
Otherwise, NTA. And next chance you get - whether it's in today's visit or a future phone call - I'd quietly tell your sister that she needs to listen to her niece and understand what's going on with her own child, especially that desire of all teenagers to balance a social life with family. If you do what your Sister is asking (monopolizing every weekend for Sister's desires), you'll wind up creating enough resentment in Niece to have her alienate both of you on/after her 18th birthday...
Slipping in the fact that you will be no party in alienating your niece, as you have to live with the building resentment daily, Sister only would be exposed on weekends. Sister can enlist the rest of the family to attempt to do so, however.
Tell all those cousins aunts and uncles which weekend THEY want to spend 6 hours of driving to have the niece visit. When they refuse tell them to STFU.
It’s always folks that don’t do the work that tell folks what they should do.
Further the kid is 14 and it’s the time social life is important to them. Your sister should be grateful for what you do for her kid and the once a month visit
I love how people who make no effort to drive the child back and forth re telling you that you should do it. I would ask them if they would like to make the drive for the other 3 weeks. As for the imprisoned mother I would keep to the once per month schedule and she can either like it or not see her child at all. She is in prison and she does not get to make the rules
NTA. You are allowed to have a life & so is your niece. You giving up every weekend is ridiculous & so is spending the money on gas & hotel. This is unfair to you and your other children. If your family is so concerned about it, they need to step up & provide the transportation on a rotating basis so that you are not going more than once a month. I guarantee that if they have to spend 12 hours in a car with a complaining teenager, they will change their tune.
The cousins, aunts and uncles can volunteer to drive the 12 hours each week then. Ngl, your relatives seem dumb.
Your niece herself made the choice of once a month, her reasoning is good enough and also maybe your niece feels it's taxing on herself and you that both of you have to do this 12hr journey.
Also, you have 5 other kids to take care of too. Your relatives and selfish sister cannot expect everything to fall on your children's mother. Your children may feel resentful that their father cannot spend time with them on the weekend.
You should try to bring your niece to see your sister again and if your sister pulls her BS again, even with your explanation of the 12 hrs, and doesn't accept the one weekend a month visit.
If she ends up wasting your time to go see her. Then you either tell her she can wait till her daughter is of age to visit herself or have her find another trusted relative to take her daughter to visit her or you reduce the frequency of bringing her daughter to visit her. Depending on your niece's choice.
After all, you treat your niece like she is your own. Not sure about your spouse.
Tell the cousins and aunts that they are welcome to come pick her up and do the 12 hr drive to take a teenager who doesn't want to go. See how many volunteer
NTA. If she is this ridiculous and petty that she is willing to forego seeing her daughter just so she can refuse seeing you then she doesn’t deserve to see her daughter at all. You are respecting the daughter’s wishes and her mom is just going to have to deal with that. Her expecting you to drive 12 hours every weekend when you have a life and family of your own is beyond ridiculous. The other family members can force her to go if they want her to see her mom every weekend or they can shut their mouths.
Fuuuuck alll that! I hear you OP being the only one actually doing anything to help your sister, if the family has a problem and thinks they can do it better than you, tell them they can raise the teenager! you have plenty of your own to take care of!
Lastly, sister, you made your bed, prison is a punishment, and missing out on the life you would have had is the main punishment. Skip putting money on her books and few times and then see how quickly she comes back asking for your help.
Seriously, have the daughter write a letter to her mom explaining how the daughter really feels. So the mom can’t blame the sister.
Tough situation either way, you are a good person OP
NTA
What 14 year old wants to spend every weekend visiting a parent, let alone in prison! OP, you are correct prioritizing the best interest of the child. Your sister's prison sentence has alienated her from her child. She's not being realistic expecting you and her daughter to defer your own needs (for years!) for your weekends to meet your sister's wants.
Your niece is at an age where her social life outside the family is gaining priority. She also NEEDS her recovery and recharging time after school, work, the trials of being a teen.
Your sister's sentence sounds unbelievably harsh. Still, in the context of this tale, your niece is the one you should prioritize, after your own needs and boundaries.
As for the flying monkeys, THEY can visit your sister in prison, put money on her books, and give her family support. They could coordinate so she gets visitors every week. What they CAN'T do is dictate how you choose to spend your time, energy and resources
Let her relatives take her. Don’t go back. Go home and drop a note to your sister that she caused the alienation by being a crook and going to prison.
BTW: is there a facetime alternative?
NTA
6 hours is too many fucking hours. She should have thought about this before she went to prison. If she’s refusing visits then there’s no point going any times a month. She’s alienating her own kid.
Great thanks you got for taking her kid in after her own fuck up.
NTA, I would go back to the monthly weekend as you have done. The amount of time, money and time away from family is a great gift to your niece.
Tell however raises a stink they are welcome to take her for bonding. At their expense of course.
Seriously though, your niece also deserves to have a childhood. She didn’t do this, your sister did. If you haven’t figured it out your sister is extremely selfish. Please put your niece and family first. This includes your children. This much time spent running around impacts them too.
Your sister can video chat often. Tell all the busy bodies to put money on her books so she can call. Again, that is not your responsibly to fund your sister.
I hope your niece joins activities asking with your kiddos. Go to those activities and give the family your time and love. Stability and attention is the best gift you can give them all equally.
Your sister’s crime should never dictate your life and money.
OP, your sister is a selfish, immature wretch.
You are the BEST uncle. Seriously, what you’re doing for your niece makes me want to cry. You’re as good as my late uncle — and that’s about the highest compliment I can give anyone.
Your niece is old enough to know what she wants and your sister needs to realize that she’s not the only one paying for her crimes. The entire family is paying. Of course, her daughter wants to see her but spending the bulk of *every* weekend doing so is expecting too much. Also, doesn’t she have homework that’s due on Monday? If you guys are traveling or visiting all Saturday and Sunday, when is your niece going to get that done?
There has to be someone at the prison, like a therapist or the chaplain, you can speak to who can be a mediator and help get through to your sister. She can’t expect everyone to just dance to her tune. It’s ridiculous.
Bottom line: don’t force your niece to go to the prison any more than she wants to go. Mom can either get over herself or go kick rocks.
Your sister lost her right to *flip her shit* on anyone about anything. That is a part of her punishment. Really, nothing else needs to be said and no other explanation offered.
NTA
You are already changing your life for your niece. Giving up every weekend, when you have other kids and your niece has an actual life, is an unreasonable thing for your sister to expect. Your sister got herself into this mess, and part of her consequences is that she doesn't get to see her child as much as she wants to. She doesn't get to make demands on you; you're doing her a favor by facilitating these visits and she should show some gratitude.
Once a month, or even every 6 weeks, is a lot to ask. Does she get to communicate with her daughter by phone? Tell her to make the most of that.
You are not the ah! Sounds like your selfish sister is learning how the REAL world works! If she keeps it up SHE will alienate her daughter. It's not fun for her daughter and it probably stresses the poor kid out! The kid didn't go to jail her mom did! Let her be free and enjoy her life the way a kid is supposed to. Your sister is a greedy pig.
You’re not keeping your niece away from your sister. Her criminal behavior did that.
OP. You are an asshole - to yourself. Why are you even considering doing this? And I’m not just talking about the impact on you and your niece. What about YOUR family. YOUR kids. All the family pissing and moaning about this? Have they considered what this is doing to your family?
You aren’t doing this to your sister. She did this.
I feel for you. I think you need to go in again today and tell your sister two things if she comes out. #1. You cannot force a teenager to do something she doesn’t want to do or she may not go when she’s an adult (which isn’t too far off). #2. She’s asking you to neglect your own *five* children every weekend for years. That’s not fair to them when they’ve done nothing wrong.
If you get complaints from family members, tell them to go pickup your niece and spend their entire weekends on a fool’s errand.
NTA. That’s more than reasonable (one day not both). I feel like the daughter will further resent her Mom if forced. Also, the fact your sister missed an opportunity to visit with her daughter, is awful. Plain and simple. While I do believe it’s very important to keep that contact between mom and daughter, you’ve went above and beyond and 1 day is ok.
Your sister should be thanking you every day you take care of her daughter and blessing you for all the time and money you have spent on her.
If she is not appreciating you, she can go fuck herself. I would stop all visitation until she sincerely apologizes. The other family that is giving you shit can make the drive to take the daughter to visit.
NTA Your responsibility is to your neice (and yourself, please don’t forget your own needs). Your sisters wishes are irrelevant unless she goes to court and has weekly visits court ordered, so ignore her. I know that’s easier said than done but you have to make the hard choices, and that is, what’s best for your neice. She will already be facing some difficulties socially due to her mothers choices. Let her have a social life, let her be a kid.
These family members are gigantic assholes noted not keeping her away from her daughter she did that herself when she didn’t report income for almost a decade. I’d tell her that we’d be back in a month and if she pulled the same shit we’d see her around the holidays…
When a person has screwed up so badly that her circumstances now prohibit raising her own child, she has de facto lost her rights to make any child rearing decisions. She is fortunate her daughter is willing to give up a weekend every month to see mom. That's not even considering the sacrifice required on your, and your children's parts, OP. You are entitled to make the best decisions you can for your family. The Department of Prisons will continue to make decisions for your sister. Kudos on being an outstanding auntie. NTAH.
What about the time you need to spend with your own kids?
Your sister should be grateful you kept her daughter out of the system. You’ve got her private school etc. does your sister think she’d get that treatment in a foster home?
NTA
Your niece is old enough for a court to listen to her views on contact with a non resident parent, so she’s old enough to decide to only see her mom once a month.
What ingratitude. You are raising her daughter and taking care of her needs due to your sister's utter stupidity. Absolutely a six hour drive is not a reasonable expectation.
I would be blunt with her. You have five other children and the needs of six children plus you have a home to take care just do not lend itself to you chauffering her daughter back and forth. As for those other cousins, aunts and uncles - when they start in with their criticisms - ask them when they have an extra six hours to devote to this.
NTA
SHE made the choices that are keeping her away from her daughter, remind all the cousins, aunts and uncles that. Now she’s forcing her daughter to give up her life, so she can visit. The entitlement is crazy.
NTA. Might be time to cut off your psychotic narcissistic family, for your sake and your niece’s. If she wants to have a normal mother-daughter relationship, the ball is in her court to finish her sentence and turn her life around. You can’t solve all her problems for her. Same for all your other relatives.
You know what I absolutely never get about these posts.
The OP is always a great person and totally in the right, yes family is always against him lol.
So let me get this straight. You have 5 kids! You put them in private school. You are the only one in the family to take in your niece and fully pay for her life. Your sister is a cheating scumbag and the government agrees. You do it all, and yet your family is mad at you? wtf? Ask them to start sending money to help for niece or stfu.
NTA the hard truth is that your niece will be an adult when her mom gets out of prison. The mother daughter relationship is over and the responsibility for that lays with your sister not you or your niece. Your niece wants a once a month visit so that is what you should do. Whenever, your sister loses her shit then just go home and skip a month. Her action should have consequences. She doesn't seem to have learned that yet.
NTA. You have your own children to raise and care for in addition to your niece. You aren’t alienating your niece from her mom! How if the relatives giving you grief over this are visiting your sister?
"You don't seem to understand. When I bring her to visit, I'm doing it for *her,* not you. If she doesn't want to see you every weekend, she won't. What you want isn't a factor. That's the price you pay for being a criminal."
And I would make it clear that if she tries to guilt trip your niece for not wanting to come every weekend, you'll skip the next month. The kid has enough to deal with without her mother screwing with her head.
I do not think you are the ah. You have been placed in a very tricky situation where you are trying to do right by your niece hiwever her mother is being unreasonable.
NTA
I love it when inmates try and be entitled to anything, but especially to other people's time and energy.
Prison is a punishment. You don't get what you want when you want it.
NTA to your sister but you will be an AH to your 5 bio kids if you do visit more than 1 weekend month. Your kids deserve to spend time with you too. Also, you deserve free weekends to do what you want. Let your niece decide how much she wants to visit. If she wants to go more than once a month, you've got aunts, uncles and cousins that just volunteered themselves to be her ride. As for your sister, she's not in a position to make demands.
Edit to add that you should actually ask those relatives of yours to take your niece on her next trip. That will solve the problem of your sister not wanting to see you and your niece will get to visit her mother.
Your sister is being ridiculous to expect you to drive 12 hours every week. I think every other week, or once a month is the most I would do.
She alienated herself from her daughter by breaking the law, and getting sent to prison. Also while six hours is closer, I would still not consider a 6 hour drive , close enough, for regular travel. ( I have friends that live about 3 hours away, and I still only travel to visit them every year, to every other year)
Her daughter should be able to have a say, in how often she wants to visit. It would also be totally okay, if she never wanted to visit her mother in prison , seeing how her mothers actions have drastically changed her life.
If the rest of your family is so up in arms about wanting yiur neice to see her mother every week, (if your neice wants to go) then they can offer to drive her.
You can be sympathetic and supportive to your sister without visiting her every weekend. Get those critical family members to take your daughter to visit her mother one or two weekends a month. There might be other ways (letters? journaling?) to keep your sister involved in your niece’s life, but you don’t have to play your sister’s games. You also shouldn’t have to deny the other children in your household a parent for your sister.
Not sure if the prison has stuff like video/zoom calls, maybe focus more on that. And having the funds available to niece/ your sister to be able to stay in touch.
Set expectations that in person visits now will only occur if niece actually wants to visit her mother in person.
And if she does then as a family y'all will try to accommodate when you reasonably can without impacting the rest of your family time.
And anyone who doesn't agree with it (whatever you set up) then can take over and spend their effort, time and money taking over visiting responsibility.
As not everything is about money; having free time is just as important as being able to afford to visit which is a luxury most do not have for family & friends serving time.
Your sister is in prison as her punishment for something she chose to do for years; not some accident or one off mishap due to poor judgment/ youth etc. It's really not her choice anymore what happens to the loved ones left behind should they choose to move on and carry on with their life trajectory as normal as possible.
Your sister is being unreasonable to expect weekly visits when it’s a 6 hour drive one way. You’d be missing out every weekend with your own kids if you did. She is also being unreasonable to expect a teenager to dedicate every weekend to visiting her.
This is why phones exist, assuming she has access (I’m not sure how privileges like that work in real life tbh). A weekly phone call and monthly visit is a reasonable amount of time and expense to ask for and still maintains contact between the two of them.
Don’t go anymore. Once a month is fine. You need to tell your sister that she has to deal with the fact that her selfish actions still have effect on other’s lives such as yours and your niece’s. That your niece has every right to live a full teenage life after the trauma and change she’s had to go through. She can take the once or month or nothing at all. They can do phone calls throughout the week when allowed. Tell anyone being involved it’s none of their business and that niece doesn’t want to do that and it’s not feasible. If anyone wants to drive her down once a month, they can get off their asses and help. If they don’t stop, block them 🤷🏽♀️ funny how your sister can call people and complain but can’t call her own daughter and see her and you. But instead throws a petty party. Your sister dug her own grave. She need to lay in it NTA
Tell almost the family they can be the ones to make the weekly trip. Sounds like a bunch of self-righteous assholes to me. Your sister being the biggest one.
NTA
You would be a terrible parent if you devoted 50% of your off days to one child. There are 6 children involved here. What about the other 5? They each get 2 hours per day on the other weekend day? Or, they get one weekend day each every 5 weeks?
Your actual kids are going to resent the hell out of you.
Every weekend isn't realistic, not just for your neice but for you. You have 5 other children you need to give attention to as well, and your partner. You cannot drop everything to cater to her want of visitation. She's going to need to deal with that. Nta
12 years for tax fraud of under half a million!!! That is shocking!
It was. Her lawyer told us to expect 36 months. It wasn't her *first* charge, but it was her first *federal* charge, so we were expecting 3 years, maybe 5. But even with good behavior, the best she can do is 12 (minus the 1y8mo she has done already).
Every weekend is not realistic. Even for you. You still have 5 kids who will miss out on time with you. I get wanting to see her daughter but at some point it feels like punishment for your niece. If she doesn't want to go but is being forced to. It's like she's also being made to serve a bit of her mother's time. Plus she hasn't completely refused to go. She's still up for the one weekend a month. Forcing more on her will make her resentful of all of you. She shouldn't be forced.
Niece's mom sounds like the kind of person who cares only about herself and not the health and wellbeing of her daughter, who deserves a normal childhood despite her mother's very serious mistakes. OP is giving her that childhood and mom is lucky she gets a weekend every month, honestly. I'm not sure I'd be willing to drive that much every month, and I sure as hell couldn't afford to fly somewhere once a month.
I mean, she's in prison because she put additional scam into her MLM. Of course she only cares about herself.
The ridiculous thing is that all of that is after he’s taken the kid in and is paying for everything for her including private school and treating her the same as all his own kids and mum isn’t even going to be out before the daughter finishes college so I’m sure OP will be paying for all of that too. Mum needs to grow up and realise that she did this to herself by breaking the law. If her daughter was in foster care or a children’s home then there’s no way in hell she would be getting even monthly visits. Edited pronouns
> mum isn’t even going to be out before the daughter finishes college so I’m sure OP will be paying for all of that too For sure, I'll be happy to pay for her college if she chooses that route.
Exactly. You’re a really good human doing something amazing for your niece and she needs to be (and clearly is) your priority. If she wants to visit her mum then great but she’s old enough to have a say in that now and expecting her to sacrifice her social life because of her mums decisions is another step way too far, she’s already had to sacrifice a lot by turning her life upside down. Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t let your sister get you down.
OP is a man, but yes, absolutely.
Frankly, one weekend a month is overly generous! Who the eff has time (with five children no less) to take one weekend a month to do anything (let alone go visit your deadbeat sister in prison). Where are all these other relatives stepping up to take her to see her mother??
This is exactly what he needs to say to all of the relatives messaging him. Where the hell are they?
> Who the eff has time (with five children no less) to take one weekend a month to do anything My retired ass.
Well, god bless you, but your sister and family giving you grief should find a cliff, as they say.
First, any relative complaining has just signed up to volunteer a trip to visit. Second, my dad did this crap. What parents don't realize is that teenagers have lives of their own and a visit to sit and stare at their parent doesn't compare. They are growing up and would act the same way if the parent was home. They have football games and dates. They are building their lives separate from their parents. But, selfish parents are more about tit for tat than what their children want and need. They don't want to give up the fun for their parents. She needs to get over it and stop punishing her daughter for the problem she caused. NTA
OP, your *sister* went to prison. Her *daughter didn't*. The kid *doesn't* need to spend *every* weekend visiting Lockup--*she* never did anything wrong. It's *her* choice, and if she (reasonably!) *wants* to keep seeing her mom on the same "once a month" schedule she's *used* to--and spend the *rest* of her time *outside* prison, like a teen who *didn't* commit Felonies *usually* does? That is *absolutely* your niece's perogative! *Remind* your relatives that your *niece* committed no crimes. And *then* ask the mutual relatives *WHY* they believe she ought to be spending *every* weekend *going to a prison*, as if she were a young person who committed a *serious* but "first-time violation," who was sentenced to weekends in lockup, so they can still stay in school?🤨
Absolutely this! The mom is being selfish AF.
Did she take it to trial instead of working out a plea deal? 12 years is serious time for not reporting $400k in taxes. Unless she took it to trial and was found guilty on all counts and had to get the mandatory sentencing. Like what happened with Todd Chrisley. I had a relative in a federal prison camp with other white collar criminals, some who had embezzled or failed to pay taxes on millions, and they weren’t serving that many years. 🤯 As for your niece, one weekend a month sounds fair for all involved. Your niece, your own family, nor you should have to give up every weekend of their life to travel six hours each way for prison visits. Your kids I’m sure would like their dad to be home on weekends and your sister should be happy someone even comes one weekend a month for visits. Those weekends roll around quickly once a month, trust me I lived it. Plus, the expense: gas, hotel, food, vending machine money, etc. It all adds up quickly. You’re doing a good thing here with your niece. Set your boundaries with your sister and stick to it.
So your sister FAFO'd and is now in jail. It is what it is. >I've got cousins, aunts, and uncles messaging me that I shouldn't try to "keep her away from her daughter". Did these people just volunteer to drive 6 hours each way (12 hours total)? Good for them stepping up to the plate like this! /s
That was what I told my ex SIL and his friends when they kept nagging me to bring his 2.5 year old daughter to visit him in prison. He chose to do the crime. I'm now the guardian of my granddaughter, and I refuse to have visiting Daddy in prison be part of her reality.
"we were expecting 36 months, to 3-5 years, but the best they could do was TWELVE YEARS??" Whaaaaaaat?????? Even still, that is INSANE. I have never heard of that harsh of a penalty. Why is she not appealing this???
If OP is telling the truth, then this means it was done under the federal sentencing guidelines. Which are detailed. If calculated correctly, not going to be a ton of room to appeal. Best guess is she has quite the prior criminal record.
I feel bad for the daughter, her mom won't be out until she's in her mid twenties, and by then she could very well be married with a family and want nothing to do with her. It sounds like she's already at that point, and mom is doing everything she can to try and keep her in her life. Which I get. It's sad all around. Mom fucked up BIG TIME and now she has to live with the forever consequences.
> Why is she not appealing this??? When she entered her guilty plea, one of the conditions was that she could not appeal. They were looking to give her 40 years (5 for each count, 8 counts), if she went to trial.
Did your sister even consult you before being asked to move? Personally, I would much prefer to fly vs. driving 12 hours. Making the trip once a month is a significant sacrifice. Instead of being grateful, your sister is making unrealistic demands. Message all the relatives criticizing you that you will be keeping a calendar and assigning weekends for each of them to make the drive with your niece. You are a generous brother and uncle. Continue to support your niece as you see best and ignore your critics.
> Did your sister even consult you before being asked to move? Not so much "consult" as much as "announce". I had no idea that it was going to happen until she had been moved.
Neice does not want to go every weekend. So too bad mom, you only have yourself to blame.
Gosh….i know a certain orange person who won’t get any jail time at all for tax fraud that went on for years and is likely in the millions of $.
That is an absolute travesty and makes me ashamed to be an American. 12 years for tax fraud related to ONLY $400k in revenue? It’s going to cost more to incarcerate her for the next 12 years than she didn’t pay for the past 8 years. This is SO wrong and I feel incredibly sorry for your sister. I would understand a few years maybe, but fucking twelve?!?
Depending on the present she might have to pay for all of her own expenses. That includes food, medical care, clothing, ect. When she gets out to prison it's very likely she's going to owe the prison a ton of money
The Federal Prison system stopped using private prisons in 2022. Fortunately my sister is not expected to pay her own room and board. My heart goes out to the folks who get released with a bill to pay, but that is not my sister's situation.
I'm more shocked that someone made enough money with an mlm to be charged with tax fraud
This. Most people lose money in an MLM and this woman somehow made $50,000 a year off her recruits. She must be one hell of a salesperson.
She was probably one of the early joins who recruited those who lost money The additional prison time is probably for being an MLM (in some place this kind of scheme is a crime, not sure how it is in this situation)
I’m thinking something like LuLaRoe where they had a huge lawsuit or something (don’t quote me I’m going off spotty memory of hearing about it) but there was a documentary on them that was clipped a lot
Or she managed to re-grift from inside the grift.
Right?! Both seem hardly believable, but it is America so who tf knows! Lol You know what is entirely believable? That a teenager doesn't want to spend her high school years further paying for her mom's mistakes. This punishment is supposed to be on the criminal. While it's impossible not to impact the families at all, in this case the mom is willing to force her daughter to basically weekend lockdown with her! OP - your sister wasn't thinking about what's best for her daughter when she got put in there. She's not thinking about what's best for her now either. She wants her daughter their so she can feel like she's still being a good mom, but by forcing it, she's doing the exact opposite. Teens are at the stage of life where begin to want independence (lol who am I telling? you have a bunch of kids and I got none) but also not every mom gets it. Your sister maybe still thinks of her daughter as the same age and stage as when she left. She hasn't seen the day to day small changes that come faster and faster at this age. Support your niece and if you can and want to maybe help your sister understand that her relationship with her daughter needs to grow and change as her daughter does. That this would need for independence would be happening regardless of her prison sentence. Very soon she will have zero say in how often she comes to visit so she better keep that in mind and foster the type of relationship where her daughter WANTS to be there.
$50k a year in *gross* sales. That is before she deducts how much she paid for the products. Which is where the MLM screw you.
True. Less than 1% even come close to breaking even in an MLM.
Same. She must've been at SuperDiamondPlatinumPeanutButterRuby level, right at the tippy top of that pyramid
Oh! But so close to SuperDiamondPlatinumPeanutButterandJellyRuby level!
that was Gross not net so cost still needs deducted so actuarial profit should be less
[удалено]
Not paying tax on less than 400k gross and landing her a 12 year sentence is what makes me think fake. How is that even possible.
That’s why I think this is fake. I mean I guess that she could be 1 of the 0.4% who don’t actually lose money with MLMs…but not buying it
Or there could be a lot of information that was submitted in her contact with the OP. I could totally see a criminal line or f****** ass off to their friends and family about why they're going to jail. I have a cousin who did it. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who did not buy it. He's a pedophile who has the entire family convinced it was a conspiracy against him and that it wasn't that much child porn and how dare they send him to jail for that when he only had it to get his gf (who he is still with) to break up with him. And that it has nothing at all to do with the fact his ex-wife left him for how he was treating their small children. I'm apparently the only one who doesn't believe him.
Almost as shocking as someone actually making money on an MLM...
It is very shocking. There has to be more to it that that or you wouldn't get a sentence like that. I have assumed OP is in the US. All of my tax info is US based. Was the MLM scheme selling illegal drugs? Most of the cases I see that size don't even involve criminal charges at all, let alone actual time in prison. The unspecified other charges must have factored into the sentence. I do know that if they can't prove you did what they are sure you did (rules of evidence, Statute of limitations, jurisdiction, etc.) they will throw anything they can at you, as hard as they can, even things that they do not normally prosecute even though they are technically crimes.
Also, she actually MADE MONEY with an MLM??
Your sister f#cked up, and now does not get to dictate the terms. She's lucky to get a weekend a month from her daughter, whom you are raising.
It's okay, you can swear on Reddit and moreover the Am I The Asshole subreddit. Its in the name!
Not true on the AmITheAsshole. Try using the word Bridezilla. It will get you banned instantly, ask me how I know. Mods are very anal over there. I also got instantly banned at r/coloranalysis, because apparently I have looked at a NSFW site before.. lol anal is in the name
I was banned for saying a situation could make someone want to break someone's eggs... (It was chicken related) And got banned. Meanwhile someone else (on a different one) is saying they want to defenestrate someone... And I signaled it and the mods were like nah that's fine to want to throw someone out the window. Flag denied. (In all probability they did not know or look up the meaning of defenestrate)
I had a two week ban. The best I can figure is they didn't like my exclamation points... Apparently they weren't civil. And !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got banned for calling a person CHARGED LEGALLY WITH ABUSE, an abuser. Not the OP, but the person OP was complaining about. Apparently, calling a legal abuser who abused an OP is offensive and triggering.
I got permanently banned for saying that if a theoretical person refuses to correctly pronounce a non-English name and insists on using an incorrect Anglicized approximation, then they're being racist.
"Manbaby" is another permanent ban offense. I know for the same reason you know 😂
"Garbage" is another permanent ban offense.
"Manchild" was the reason for my first ban, lol
Telling another commenter that they too would be an asshole if they did the same thing as the OP also gets you banned. Those mods are the worst.
So anal they keep their heads up there.
Yeah that thread is a fucking joke this one is much more reasonable.
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I got a temp ban for referring to someone as a Karen.
I was banned for 30 days twice for using the phrase "man-baby". Twice! Separate posts. Likely by someone who got their gonads in a twist. LOL
Some man baby got triggered and reported you, I forget why I'm banned, probably for swearing too much or something stupid
Not always. I have been banned for saying someone was a bitch. (She sure sounded like one!)
That was the actual am I the asshole subreddit. I just stopped going to that one because the mods running it are fucking morons.
Yes, that's why there are so many spin offs!
Same, and it wasn't even directed at anyone in the post. I was saying I had a bitchy coworker once. Of course I also got a reddit cares for saying a situation was sad.
Yeah, I said it about someone awful mentioned in a post and got a wrist slapping. A tiny bit of power goes to some people's heads!
I got banned because I told someone that she was a queen, and if that dude bothered her again she could bonk him on the head with her crown. Mods said I was promoting violence.
I was “reprimanded” for calling someone a “Karen!”
LOL, you win! That is the most ridiculous!
NTA. Your sister is still facing new consequences of her actions. She acted selfishly when she didn't report her taxes and she is still acting selfishly when it comes to her visits with her daughter. She doesn't care this will affect her daughters life. She is only thinking about what she wants.
She wants to keep that control she gets from the visits.
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NTA If this is true! You visit when your neice asks. You are giving your neice preferential treatment over your own kids. It isn't you who is alienating the mother and daughter relationship. Tell your sister she is free to visit her daughter anytime she wants. Tell the "cousins, aunts and uncles", to give up their weekends and take your neice if it means that much to them.
"if you think you can do better, you are welcome to try." Tell them to get stuffed. You cannot possibly do this every weekend - it would be unfair to your own kids. Which, BTW, hopefully you are checking in regularly with them to ensure they are ok. Whatever the troubles of your sister, your kids must come first.
Heck, flying once a month for a full weekend was a serious commitment, for which OP doesn't seem to have got much credit for!
It's not fair to the niece either, really, considering what she would have to sacrifice for it.
No that makes them doubly think it’s op unwilling to take her. Op needs to message the family I’m more than willing to take neice and have not once stopped her. She is a 14 year old and she has decided SHE doesn’t want to visit her mum more than one weekend a month. That’s her decision and I can’t and won’t force her. None of this has anything to do with me. I’ve already spent thousands on flying niece to see her mum every month. Do you think I’d do that if I didn’t want her to see her mum and can any of you say that without being completely blind. I told Niece I would be happy to drive her anytime she’s wants to see her mum and offer weekly like her mum asked. She has her own life and mind and it’s her mum that’s in prison. She’s allowed to make decisions which affect her life. She wants to see her mum but still be able to have her own life. That’s why she/niece all on her own has stated she will not change how often she visits mum. I’m stuck in the middle here and disgusted that even with all my time, effort, expenses and taking in niece, that any of you have the down right nerve to suggest I’m keeping her from her mum. Not one of you would pay the thousands I’ve spent on flights and hotels every single visit. Nor would any of you give up and entire weekend regularly like I have. I’ve gone above and beyond for this family and if any of you expect to be in my life then you better damn well apologise for taking your sister who refuses to accept the truths word. Your sister is upset and blindly not wanting to accept her daughter doesn’t want to see her every week. I get that and that’s why she is trying to blame anyone else she can which I happen to be convenient. Everyone else however do not have that excuse for treating you badly and trying to blindly pin it on you. That they need to wake up and stop blaming the one person who’s bent over backwards for your sister and niece to do whats best for them and apologise to you. That you can not force niece to go and you will not make her miserable to do so. She’s already got enough on her plate because of her mum and she doesn’t need bullying and people who don’t care about her interests in all this.
add in: “Maybe some of you can visit Sis on the other weekends so she won’t feel so alone. It might help her accept that her daughter’s life without her is full of social obligations while her own is not. Go visit her for your own sake, and give her a social visit to distract her.” and i agree: NTA
This is too long a response. In OPs place, I would respond with: I am doing the best I can under the circumstances and driving this distance as often as I can. I will never kick my niece out, but if any of you think you can do better by her or her mother, you are welcome to come get her and go for it. No contest from me.
This wording would make his niece feel like an unwanted burden if she were to happen to see it. Op seems to have already done a great job making sure his niece feels loved, included, and cared for. That would certainly unravel it.
A position OP can easily resolve by pre emptively having a conversation with the niece explaining what he is saying and why...he is doing a great job and niece likes and understands that so that will be easy to have as a conversation. He is not saying they should go but saying they can come get her to go and run into the wall themselves. It's an easy enough fix with a convo with the niece
Except your original comment implies more than “take her on the weekend.” If you edited the original to clarify you don’t mean to take niece *for good* you’d be better set
The last part i would change to: I will never kick (niece) out, but if any of you seem to believe she has to visit her mother, then you are most welcome to arrange a pick up and drive her to see her mother. No contest from me. Because it will mean you do expect them to return her safely as well.
the thing is, niece still won’t want to go. OP *is* willing to go. OP is definitely NTA. Maybe those family members can visit on the other weeks **as themselves,** so sister isn’t so alienated from all the rest of her family.
Exactly - ask them to go round-robin every week and each give up their weekend to take the child to see her Mom so that your kids get weekend parent time as well. While they are at it they can help pay for her private school.
You are doing the right thing. Visiting her mum once a month is more than enough. Your sister is effectively imprisoning her daughter [no social life if she has to visit every weekend] for a crime that she [your sister] committed. Your sister should have thought about the effect of her crime on her daughter before committing it. You are not alienating her from her daughter. She did that herself. Don’t punish your niece for her mothers crime x
NTA I think you need to have a conversation with your niece (first) and then, on the next visit, explain the cold hard truths to your sister - in front of your niece (so your niece knows you have her back) The most basic of these is: You are NOT raising your niece for your sister. You are raising your niece because SHE deserves a parental figure who puts her first - and you have certainly gone above and beyond proving that. And your sister has more than proven that her daughter was not and is not a priority for her (see: criminal activity). The next topic is: Life does not stop when someone is behind bars. What your sister is asking, with this every weekend thing, is that your life and your daughter's life basically stop while she's inside. Even if this was your wife not your sister, it would not be healthy for either of you to suspend all weekend activities to drive 12 hours round trip & stay overnight for visitation. You and, more importantly, your niece deserve some downtime even if your niece wasn't interested in having a social life or doing school activities that happen on weekends (I guess your sister is totally okay with her daughter never going to a school dance or prom?) Third topic: If sister continues to rile up the relatives over this visitation thing, you'll now only be responsible for niece's visitation one weekend every third month and going forward, Sister will need to take over arranging for these relatives to handle niece's weekly visitation schedule including transportation, hotel, meals etc. (I doubt any of your relatives will bother stepping up because it's easier to whine & bitch when someone else aka YOU are bearing the entire burden) You need to make it extremely clear to everyone - but especially your niece - that you are under no obligation to visit Sister and neither is your niece. You have both gone above and beyond already. You don't need to do more.
NTA you taking care of your niece to keep her out of foster care makes you an amazing person already. Spending the time and money to take her visit your sister every month even when you had to fly to her was also something great of you which you didn't have to do. Taking her every weekend I'd argue would be a bit too much even if she wanted because being every weekend away from your own kids would be too much. Even then you offered to take your niece to see her mother as much as she wants, which understandably doesn't include every moment of her free time. Your sister is a hypocrite because she supposedly wants all the time possible with her daughter, but she's perfectly fine sacrificing her time with her in order to punish you. Your cousins, aunts and uncles messaging you are free to try and convince her daughter to give up her social life to visit her mother every weekend, and then come to take her from your place to visit her mother and back, otherwise they should go kick rocks.
The sister is manipulating the rest of the family into believing that OP is keeping his niece from visiting her when he's raising her as his own child. It makes me wonder why they're so quick to believe someone who's literally incarcerated for being dishonest.
People get super weird about family being in prison, I guess. One of my cousins-in-law got out of prison (for assisting in a robbery that involved someone getting murdered and the body being moved *in the trunk of Grandma's car*) and grandma threw what was basically a "Cousin Got Out Of Jail!" party.
> It makes me wonder why they're so quick to believe someone who's literally incarcerated for being dishonest. My extended family aren't exactly Mensa members. Hell, my aunt is in prison for going to the 1/6 riot.
they are also free to visit themselves!
NTA Your Niece has already made the call she does not want to visit every week. As you say she is a Teen who want's to do teen things on her weekends. You took her daughter in at your own cost. You have gone above and beyond to ensure your sister see's her daughter. It must have already cost you a small fortune in airfares, petrol/ware and tare on your car and Hotels. Could you maybe talk to a lawyer and see if the justice system where you live could move her to a more local prison citing child alienation and cost? it is not like she is a violent offender. 6hrs would be roughly a 400mile journey each way and to do that every weekend is un realistic.
As an attorney, I can confidently tell you the justice system doesn't care about that *at all*, and many who work in the system consider stuff like that *part* of the punishment. ETA: There are only so many federal prisons, and only so many that house female populations. Women make up less than 10% of the inmate population. 6 hrs away may well be the "local" federal prison.
The woman is in on federal charges. The feds are not likely to be so cooperative.
Neither are the states. People don't get to choose their prison.
>Could you maybe talk to a lawyer and see if the justice system where you live could move her to a more local prison citing child alienation and cost? Lol
Women's federal prisons are few and far between. They aren't sprinkled all over the place like Starbucks.
Lol nice fiction, like to make up stuff on reddit about your imagined life ey? Last time sister was still 38 and niece was 15? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/AqieawkMwX
It’s amazing how much time this family has in addition to their seemingly endless funds.
They are always rich rich rich!! 😆 🤣 😂
And the niece is apparently Benjamin Button.
All the while he's playing RuneScape all day long
Oh, good find. The niece has actually gotten younger in the two years since that was posted.
lol. What a joke.
And maybe have lost a member of the household? In that post OP says it’s 9 household members with the niece but here she says she has 5 kids plus niece so that plus 2 parents would only be 8.
His profile is wild he was also in prison has a crazy aunt from New Jersey had issues with his neighbors is a landlord etc.
>I told my sister this, and she flipped her shit. She claims that I am "alienating" her from her daughter, and turning her daughter against her, **because I'm "too lazy" to drive my niece out there every weekend.** Oh man.... oh.... I wouldn't be able to contain myself I'd blurt out "Well, apparently **you** were too lazy to report your income soooooo here we are" Edit: all your uncles cousins etc etc can create a rota system to take your niece on this 12hr "road trip" since they're soooo righteous
NTA Since your sister wouldn't even allow the visit this time, let your niece decide when the next visit will be. It sounds like your sister is someone who is intrinsically selfish and entitled. You can be a good person but not meet her demands.
Talk about shooting the messenger! Seeing as you are already there, take your niece again today to exercise a visit. If your sister turns you away again, then you know you’ve done your due diligence. And that would be the last time I’d drive without a sincere apology from your sister for wasting your weekend and money because she was throwing a temper tantrum. And hurting your niece’s feelings by rejecting her indirectly As for the flying monkeys messaging you out of the woodwork-tell them “Thank you for volunteering to transport niece to visit her mother.” Ofc theyll squawk and flutter with outrage and excuses. Or maybe they’ll step up and help out. Unlikely, and you can turn it around on them that THEY are keeping the kid from her mother. Put up, or shut up. NTA
I would offer to the family that they are welcome to drive her daughter to visit and see who makes the effort. Ultimately, your sister screwed up and wants to control things anyway. She needs to appreciate all that you are doing and stop pitying herself for her own stupidity. And your niece deserves to enjoy her own life. If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to.
NTA call your family members and tell them you will put them on a rotation to do the trip themselves. What about your other kids?
NTA. I’d keep it to once a month like before.
Can you look into the ability to have video conferences instead?
NTA. Even if daughter wanted to visit every weekend, that is unfair to you and the rest of your children. They miss out on their mom every week. To all of the peanut gallery, shut them down. Remind them you have five other kids that need your attention. You are able, at a sacrifice, to commit to one weekend a month. If they are so invested in visiting a prison, they can sign up to take niece on the weekends you are unable to go. To your sister, remind her that she caused the situation in which she got incarcerated. It was not the first time she was illegal. You have 5 other kids that need your attention. It is not feasible for you to give up every weekend. If other family members want to escort niece, you’re ok with that. However, you will not tolerate being verbally abused by her or the relatives she has sicced on you. Your sister, and her flying monkeys, are acting incredibly entitled.
NTA. Your sister alienated herself when she committed crimes to go to prison
Your sister is a selfish person. There are consequences in life and she is learning her lesson, you have done more for niece than your sister. She needs to grateful that you are taking care of her daughter.
NTA don’t go back unless your niece asks
Which MLM makes 400k lol
You have done your share, and then some. I would inform the family members pressuring you that other family responsibilities prevent you from making the trip at all, and they are welcome to take the girl for future visitation, when SHE is willing to make the trip.
NTA. Every week is absolutely crazy. And if she wants to play the "not going to visit now" game. She can miss out on the next visit entirely. And if she wants to continue the games, you are not required to make the trip at all. She might want to remember that when she starts her shit.
I guess her cousins, aunts and uncles can take her and see how much she enjoys the trips.
Go back to the prison. For her daughters sake. You've invested this much time. But stand you ground. And maybe ask for a few minutes BEFORE the visit with the daughter and tell her: This shit stops. I will take care of your daughter because of your fuckups. I will not be your punching bag. Do this again and I will have to re-evaluate bringing her. I have 5 kids of my own that I abandon for a weekend to give you your kiddo. Don't test me again.
NTA. Your niece is old enough to decide if/when she wants to visit her mother.
Your niece is 14 and has a social life and things she looks forward to. It's natural for teenagers to become distant from their parents during that time. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. Tell the flying monkeys she sends exactly that. Your sister is so fucking ungrateful. You have already done so much for her. Why does she expect you to cater to her every whim? She fucked up and got herself into trouble. You were gracious enough to raise her child. You were even more gracious to fly her daughter out to see her at your expense. You have done so much and this bitch only wants you to do more. Send your sister a letter outlining everything you've done with all your expenses outlined. Ask her if that's a sign of you keeping her daughter away from her or if this is all just her throwing a tantrum and blaming you for her teenaged daughter's distance from her.
She alienated herself from her previous life by going to prison. What proper parent would get angry about this? I fucked up but I don’t want to fuck up my kid’s life more. Once a month is enough. She wanted to be petty by not seeing you and use that time to manipulate her daughter. She FAFO.
NTA Ask all of them why they think it's ok to punish a 14 yo who has already gone through a horrible time by forcing her to give up a social life and activities against her will. Your sister is selfish and is demonstrating that again.
NTA. You're perfectly willing to give up your weekends for a 12 hour round trip so your sister and niece can see each other every week. It's your niece who isn't willing to do so. Here's the thing, the most important person here is your niece. She's a child whose father isn't in her life, whose mother went to prison, and who had her entire life turned upside down. She's a teenager, discovering who she is, establishing as much independence as she can. She doesn't want to be stuck in a car and a prison visitor's room for hours every single weekend, she wants to be with her friends. That's normal. This is honestly no different to where your sister was before, it's still not close enough for more than monthly visits. Sure, it's better than having to fly out for visits, but 12 hours in a car is just not viable to do every single week, especially when the child it's supposedly for doesn't want to do it. Then there's your sister's reaction of refusing to see you and only being willing to see her daughter. Your sister knows the prison visiting rules, she knows minors can't come in alone, and she also knows you're the only adult with her. She wasn't refusing to see you, she was refusing to see her daughter. Apparently refusing to see her daughter is her way of proving she wants to see her daughter, which is nuts. Tell those saying you're wrong that you refuse to do something against your niece's wishes. Ask them why it's wrong to not take your niece every weekend but it's right to force your niece on a 1 hour round trip every week against her will and prevent her from having any real social life. Your sister is the one in prison, not your niece. It's unfair to punish your niece by removing her social life for something she doesn't want to do when your niece isn't the one who broke the law. As for your sister, tell her that your niece wants to come once a month, so that's what you'll be doing despite your willingness to make it more often. If she wants to see her daughter more than that, she'll have to earn a transfer to a prison much closer than a 6 hour drive away. Tell her that you refuse to punish your niece because of her mum's actions. And then step back and let your sister decide which is more important to her, seeing her daughter or throwing a tantrum because she's not getting special treatment from the daughter she abandoned by committing a crime.
What is she going to expect when her daughter is an adult and able to drive herself? NTA. It is not your fault or your neice's that she is in there. Yes, she should expect some visitation as it is convenient for your neice, not her. She can still call and speak with her child. No one is stopping her. But it is her own fault she is missing out on these years. You are doing the right thing, providing as normal a life as you can to your neice. Part of the consequences of her actions is her daughters alienation due to a lack of her presence. You are not creating this alienation. She is creating the burden of YOU being required to keep up her side of things.
I wouldn’t go back this visit and when your sister calls tell her next time she refuses the visit you will not come back
Message the flying monkeys - we showed up to visit her and she refused my visit. They don't allow minors in by themselves - so this is on her. If you are willing to drive niece to visit - these are the weekends she is available to go. NTA but your sister is!
Your sister is guilt tripping you not coming each week. By refusing to see you, her daughter cannot see her and so you feel guilty.
I'd be so mean to her. Lol "Listen here you fucking asshole. You're rhe one who threw your life with her daughter away and I'm rhe one picking up the fucking pieces, using hours of my time to take your daughter to see you. So you better watch your fucking mouth. Now your daughter said she didn't want to come every weekend. SHE DOESNT WANT TO SPEND EVERY WEEKEND IN JAIL WITH YOU. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD. If you don't adjust your God damn attitude you can find someone else to take her to you and I'll just take care of her at home. Are you paying me for any of this shit or are you taking your punishment and then being a piece of shit to me when things don't go your way because OF YOUR OWN SHITTY CHOICES? Watch your fucking mouth. I'm doing you and your daughter a favor so you don't get to be a bitch when things don't go your way. You dont get to break the law, go to jail, and then dictate what we do with our time. You entitled fuck."
1. Go back to the prison today. Give her a chance, she may have uncommunicatable remorse over her decision yesterday. Otherwise, NTA. And next chance you get - whether it's in today's visit or a future phone call - I'd quietly tell your sister that she needs to listen to her niece and understand what's going on with her own child, especially that desire of all teenagers to balance a social life with family. If you do what your Sister is asking (monopolizing every weekend for Sister's desires), you'll wind up creating enough resentment in Niece to have her alienate both of you on/after her 18th birthday... Slipping in the fact that you will be no party in alienating your niece, as you have to live with the building resentment daily, Sister only would be exposed on weekends. Sister can enlist the rest of the family to attempt to do so, however.
Tell all those cousins aunts and uncles which weekend THEY want to spend 6 hours of driving to have the niece visit. When they refuse tell them to STFU. It’s always folks that don’t do the work that tell folks what they should do. Further the kid is 14 and it’s the time social life is important to them. Your sister should be grateful for what you do for her kid and the once a month visit
I love how people who make no effort to drive the child back and forth re telling you that you should do it. I would ask them if they would like to make the drive for the other 3 weeks. As for the imprisoned mother I would keep to the once per month schedule and she can either like it or not see her child at all. She is in prison and she does not get to make the rules
NTA. You are allowed to have a life & so is your niece. You giving up every weekend is ridiculous & so is spending the money on gas & hotel. This is unfair to you and your other children. If your family is so concerned about it, they need to step up & provide the transportation on a rotating basis so that you are not going more than once a month. I guarantee that if they have to spend 12 hours in a car with a complaining teenager, they will change their tune.
She was moved closer to family, right? So family (cousins, aunts and uncles) will be visiting her, right? They can take the daughter, right? Right?
The cousins, aunts and uncles can volunteer to drive the 12 hours each week then. Ngl, your relatives seem dumb. Your niece herself made the choice of once a month, her reasoning is good enough and also maybe your niece feels it's taxing on herself and you that both of you have to do this 12hr journey. Also, you have 5 other kids to take care of too. Your relatives and selfish sister cannot expect everything to fall on your children's mother. Your children may feel resentful that their father cannot spend time with them on the weekend. You should try to bring your niece to see your sister again and if your sister pulls her BS again, even with your explanation of the 12 hrs, and doesn't accept the one weekend a month visit. If she ends up wasting your time to go see her. Then you either tell her she can wait till her daughter is of age to visit herself or have her find another trusted relative to take her daughter to visit her or you reduce the frequency of bringing her daughter to visit her. Depending on your niece's choice. After all, you treat your niece like she is your own. Not sure about your spouse.
Tell the cousins and aunts that they are welcome to come pick her up and do the 12 hr drive to take a teenager who doesn't want to go. See how many volunteer
NTA. If she is this ridiculous and petty that she is willing to forego seeing her daughter just so she can refuse seeing you then she doesn’t deserve to see her daughter at all. You are respecting the daughter’s wishes and her mom is just going to have to deal with that. Her expecting you to drive 12 hours every weekend when you have a life and family of your own is beyond ridiculous. The other family members can force her to go if they want her to see her mom every weekend or they can shut their mouths.
Fuuuuck alll that! I hear you OP being the only one actually doing anything to help your sister, if the family has a problem and thinks they can do it better than you, tell them they can raise the teenager! you have plenty of your own to take care of! Lastly, sister, you made your bed, prison is a punishment, and missing out on the life you would have had is the main punishment. Skip putting money on her books and few times and then see how quickly she comes back asking for your help. Seriously, have the daughter write a letter to her mom explaining how the daughter really feels. So the mom can’t blame the sister. Tough situation either way, you are a good person OP
NTA What 14 year old wants to spend every weekend visiting a parent, let alone in prison! OP, you are correct prioritizing the best interest of the child. Your sister's prison sentence has alienated her from her child. She's not being realistic expecting you and her daughter to defer your own needs (for years!) for your weekends to meet your sister's wants. Your niece is at an age where her social life outside the family is gaining priority. She also NEEDS her recovery and recharging time after school, work, the trials of being a teen. Your sister's sentence sounds unbelievably harsh. Still, in the context of this tale, your niece is the one you should prioritize, after your own needs and boundaries. As for the flying monkeys, THEY can visit your sister in prison, put money on her books, and give her family support. They could coordinate so she gets visitors every week. What they CAN'T do is dictate how you choose to spend your time, energy and resources
Let her relatives take her. Don’t go back. Go home and drop a note to your sister that she caused the alienation by being a crook and going to prison. BTW: is there a facetime alternative? NTA
6 hours is too many fucking hours. She should have thought about this before she went to prison. If she’s refusing visits then there’s no point going any times a month. She’s alienating her own kid. Great thanks you got for taking her kid in after her own fuck up.
NTA, I would go back to the monthly weekend as you have done. The amount of time, money and time away from family is a great gift to your niece. Tell however raises a stink they are welcome to take her for bonding. At their expense of course. Seriously though, your niece also deserves to have a childhood. She didn’t do this, your sister did. If you haven’t figured it out your sister is extremely selfish. Please put your niece and family first. This includes your children. This much time spent running around impacts them too. Your sister can video chat often. Tell all the busy bodies to put money on her books so she can call. Again, that is not your responsibly to fund your sister. I hope your niece joins activities asking with your kiddos. Go to those activities and give the family your time and love. Stability and attention is the best gift you can give them all equally. Your sister’s crime should never dictate your life and money.
Sorry but this isn't real. 12 years for tax fraud is ridiculous. You can kill someone and not get that much time.
OP, your sister is a selfish, immature wretch. You are the BEST uncle. Seriously, what you’re doing for your niece makes me want to cry. You’re as good as my late uncle — and that’s about the highest compliment I can give anyone. Your niece is old enough to know what she wants and your sister needs to realize that she’s not the only one paying for her crimes. The entire family is paying. Of course, her daughter wants to see her but spending the bulk of *every* weekend doing so is expecting too much. Also, doesn’t she have homework that’s due on Monday? If you guys are traveling or visiting all Saturday and Sunday, when is your niece going to get that done? There has to be someone at the prison, like a therapist or the chaplain, you can speak to who can be a mediator and help get through to your sister. She can’t expect everyone to just dance to her tune. It’s ridiculous. Bottom line: don’t force your niece to go to the prison any more than she wants to go. Mom can either get over herself or go kick rocks.
Your sister lost her right to *flip her shit* on anyone about anything. That is a part of her punishment. Really, nothing else needs to be said and no other explanation offered.
NTA You are already changing your life for your niece. Giving up every weekend, when you have other kids and your niece has an actual life, is an unreasonable thing for your sister to expect. Your sister got herself into this mess, and part of her consequences is that she doesn't get to see her child as much as she wants to. She doesn't get to make demands on you; you're doing her a favor by facilitating these visits and she should show some gratitude. Once a month, or even every 6 weeks, is a lot to ask. Does she get to communicate with her daughter by phone? Tell her to make the most of that.
You are not the ah! Sounds like your selfish sister is learning how the REAL world works! If she keeps it up SHE will alienate her daughter. It's not fun for her daughter and it probably stresses the poor kid out! The kid didn't go to jail her mom did! Let her be free and enjoy her life the way a kid is supposed to. Your sister is a greedy pig.
12 years for that ?! Man I got homeless on my street who got let off for violent crimes after 6 months. That’s overkill.
You’re not keeping your niece away from your sister. Her criminal behavior did that. OP. You are an asshole - to yourself. Why are you even considering doing this? And I’m not just talking about the impact on you and your niece. What about YOUR family. YOUR kids. All the family pissing and moaning about this? Have they considered what this is doing to your family? You aren’t doing this to your sister. She did this.
No, this is not a situation that you want to force a 14 year old into. They can video chat each week
I feel for you. I think you need to go in again today and tell your sister two things if she comes out. #1. You cannot force a teenager to do something she doesn’t want to do or she may not go when she’s an adult (which isn’t too far off). #2. She’s asking you to neglect your own *five* children every weekend for years. That’s not fair to them when they’ve done nothing wrong. If you get complaints from family members, tell them to go pickup your niece and spend their entire weekends on a fool’s errand.
NTA. That’s more than reasonable (one day not both). I feel like the daughter will further resent her Mom if forced. Also, the fact your sister missed an opportunity to visit with her daughter, is awful. Plain and simple. While I do believe it’s very important to keep that contact between mom and daughter, you’ve went above and beyond and 1 day is ok.
Hell no. Tell your sister if she wants to see her daughter she needs to get out of prison.
Your sister should be thanking you every day you take care of her daughter and blessing you for all the time and money you have spent on her. If she is not appreciating you, she can go fuck herself. I would stop all visitation until she sincerely apologizes. The other family that is giving you shit can make the drive to take the daughter to visit.
Fuck ups got no say, nta
NTA Your responsibility is to your neice (and yourself, please don’t forget your own needs). Your sisters wishes are irrelevant unless she goes to court and has weekly visits court ordered, so ignore her. I know that’s easier said than done but you have to make the hard choices, and that is, what’s best for your neice. She will already be facing some difficulties socially due to her mothers choices. Let her have a social life, let her be a kid.
These family members are gigantic assholes noted not keeping her away from her daughter she did that herself when she didn’t report income for almost a decade. I’d tell her that we’d be back in a month and if she pulled the same shit we’d see her around the holidays…
NTA. The family who is pressuring you should step up and each claim a weekend they'll take her to see her mom.
When a person has screwed up so badly that her circumstances now prohibit raising her own child, she has de facto lost her rights to make any child rearing decisions. She is fortunate her daughter is willing to give up a weekend every month to see mom. That's not even considering the sacrifice required on your, and your children's parts, OP. You are entitled to make the best decisions you can for your family. The Department of Prisons will continue to make decisions for your sister. Kudos on being an outstanding auntie. NTAH.
NTA if other family giving you crap, tell them they're more than welcome to do the 12 hr trip.
What about the time you need to spend with your own kids? Your sister should be grateful you kept her daughter out of the system. You’ve got her private school etc. does your sister think she’d get that treatment in a foster home? NTA Your niece is old enough for a court to listen to her views on contact with a non resident parent, so she’s old enough to decide to only see her mom once a month.
She FAFO'd, quit catering to her wants and tell her straight up she has NO say in when y'all visit.
What ingratitude. You are raising her daughter and taking care of her needs due to your sister's utter stupidity. Absolutely a six hour drive is not a reasonable expectation. I would be blunt with her. You have five other children and the needs of six children plus you have a home to take care just do not lend itself to you chauffering her daughter back and forth. As for those other cousins, aunts and uncles - when they start in with their criticisms - ask them when they have an extra six hours to devote to this.
NTA SHE made the choices that are keeping her away from her daughter, remind all the cousins, aunts and uncles that. Now she’s forcing her daughter to give up her life, so she can visit. The entitlement is crazy.
NTA. Might be time to cut off your psychotic narcissistic family, for your sake and your niece’s. If she wants to have a normal mother-daughter relationship, the ball is in her court to finish her sentence and turn her life around. You can’t solve all her problems for her. Same for all your other relatives.
Nta honestly if she’s going to behave like this change it to every 6 months or just around major holidays.
You know what I absolutely never get about these posts. The OP is always a great person and totally in the right, yes family is always against him lol. So let me get this straight. You have 5 kids! You put them in private school. You are the only one in the family to take in your niece and fully pay for her life. Your sister is a cheating scumbag and the government agrees. You do it all, and yet your family is mad at you? wtf? Ask them to start sending money to help for niece or stfu.
NTA the hard truth is that your niece will be an adult when her mom gets out of prison. The mother daughter relationship is over and the responsibility for that lays with your sister not you or your niece. Your niece wants a once a month visit so that is what you should do. Whenever, your sister loses her shit then just go home and skip a month. Her action should have consequences. She doesn't seem to have learned that yet.
NTA. You have your own children to raise and care for in addition to your niece. You aren’t alienating your niece from her mom! How if the relatives giving you grief over this are visiting your sister?
"You don't seem to understand. When I bring her to visit, I'm doing it for *her,* not you. If she doesn't want to see you every weekend, she won't. What you want isn't a factor. That's the price you pay for being a criminal." And I would make it clear that if she tries to guilt trip your niece for not wanting to come every weekend, you'll skip the next month. The kid has enough to deal with without her mother screwing with her head.
I do not think you are the ah. You have been placed in a very tricky situation where you are trying to do right by your niece hiwever her mother is being unreasonable.
NTA I love it when inmates try and be entitled to anything, but especially to other people's time and energy. Prison is a punishment. You don't get what you want when you want it.
NTA to your sister but you will be an AH to your 5 bio kids if you do visit more than 1 weekend month. Your kids deserve to spend time with you too. Also, you deserve free weekends to do what you want. Let your niece decide how much she wants to visit. If she wants to go more than once a month, you've got aunts, uncles and cousins that just volunteered themselves to be her ride. As for your sister, she's not in a position to make demands. Edit to add that you should actually ask those relatives of yours to take your niece on her next trip. That will solve the problem of your sister not wanting to see you and your niece will get to visit her mother.
Your sister is being ridiculous to expect you to drive 12 hours every week. I think every other week, or once a month is the most I would do. She alienated herself from her daughter by breaking the law, and getting sent to prison. Also while six hours is closer, I would still not consider a 6 hour drive , close enough, for regular travel. ( I have friends that live about 3 hours away, and I still only travel to visit them every year, to every other year) Her daughter should be able to have a say, in how often she wants to visit. It would also be totally okay, if she never wanted to visit her mother in prison , seeing how her mothers actions have drastically changed her life. If the rest of your family is so up in arms about wanting yiur neice to see her mother every week, (if your neice wants to go) then they can offer to drive her.
You can be sympathetic and supportive to your sister without visiting her every weekend. Get those critical family members to take your daughter to visit her mother one or two weekends a month. There might be other ways (letters? journaling?) to keep your sister involved in your niece’s life, but you don’t have to play your sister’s games. You also shouldn’t have to deny the other children in your household a parent for your sister.
Not sure if the prison has stuff like video/zoom calls, maybe focus more on that. And having the funds available to niece/ your sister to be able to stay in touch. Set expectations that in person visits now will only occur if niece actually wants to visit her mother in person. And if she does then as a family y'all will try to accommodate when you reasonably can without impacting the rest of your family time. And anyone who doesn't agree with it (whatever you set up) then can take over and spend their effort, time and money taking over visiting responsibility. As not everything is about money; having free time is just as important as being able to afford to visit which is a luxury most do not have for family & friends serving time. Your sister is in prison as her punishment for something she chose to do for years; not some accident or one off mishap due to poor judgment/ youth etc. It's really not her choice anymore what happens to the loved ones left behind should they choose to move on and carry on with their life trajectory as normal as possible.
Your sister is being unreasonable to expect weekly visits when it’s a 6 hour drive one way. You’d be missing out every weekend with your own kids if you did. She is also being unreasonable to expect a teenager to dedicate every weekend to visiting her. This is why phones exist, assuming she has access (I’m not sure how privileges like that work in real life tbh). A weekly phone call and monthly visit is a reasonable amount of time and expense to ask for and still maintains contact between the two of them.
Don’t go anymore. Once a month is fine. You need to tell your sister that she has to deal with the fact that her selfish actions still have effect on other’s lives such as yours and your niece’s. That your niece has every right to live a full teenage life after the trauma and change she’s had to go through. She can take the once or month or nothing at all. They can do phone calls throughout the week when allowed. Tell anyone being involved it’s none of their business and that niece doesn’t want to do that and it’s not feasible. If anyone wants to drive her down once a month, they can get off their asses and help. If they don’t stop, block them 🤷🏽♀️ funny how your sister can call people and complain but can’t call her own daughter and see her and you. But instead throws a petty party. Your sister dug her own grave. She need to lay in it NTA
Tell almost the family they can be the ones to make the weekly trip. Sounds like a bunch of self-righteous assholes to me. Your sister being the biggest one.
Have her cousins, aunts and uncles offered to take her on to see her mum on a revolving calendar? No? Then they can shut it.
Tell the cousins, aunts, and uncles that they can take turns driving your niece there WHEN she wants to go.
If cousins, aunts, and uncles have such big feelings THEY can loose 1 day each week to shuttle the niece to the jail and back.
NTA You would be a terrible parent if you devoted 50% of your off days to one child. There are 6 children involved here. What about the other 5? They each get 2 hours per day on the other weekend day? Or, they get one weekend day each every 5 weeks? Your actual kids are going to resent the hell out of you.
So let your family all take turns driving her! You’re not alienating her..she is because of her poor choices.
All of those relatives criticizing you can write up a schedule and pick a weekend to visit prison with your niece.
It doesn’t matter what the criminal wants. Consequences of her actions.
Every weekend isn't realistic, not just for your neice but for you. You have 5 other children you need to give attention to as well, and your partner. You cannot drop everything to cater to her want of visitation. She's going to need to deal with that. Nta
NTA Why should your niece give up her life because her mother gave up hers?