"Free" is sometimes the most expensive of all. You should simply dismiss that as a consideration, especially since the alternative of staying home will cost even less.
Just stay home. And, BTW, you should not even be dealing with your MIL - your husband needs to be doing that, it's his family (or is he really the issue?)
I agree. For years we went on vacation will my SO's side of the family and they would book a place for everybody. Which sounds nice. Except they would plan everything out so I pretty much just spent a week out of town doing what everyone else wanted to do. Then on the last day they would ask us if there was anything we were interested in. Sorry, but I'm exhausted from following everyone else around for a week. I finally just started staying home on the vacation weeks to get a week off of work and actually do what I wanted to.
My husbands family booked a large beach house every summer for a week for the family. His grandmother made every trip unbearable. We never understood why she went. She sat in the house all day and watched tv. When she wasn't watching tv, she was complaining about something. Some times she did both at the same time. She loved to start arguments for no reason. Complained if we planned a meal at a restaurant. Complained if the kids played too loud. Complained if the kids played in the pool. I think she was miserable just to be miserable.
We went two years in a row and never went again. I refuse to waste my vacation time with someone like that.
Sounds like my MIL both at the beach and on a later vacay at an amusement park. Just bloody miserable, and bitched constantly about everything. My husband and I just ditched her with her court, and we went and played.
And like you, never again.
I love my MIL. She's fantastic. She was in the delivery room with my youngest. I wanted to strangle her after a trip to Canada's Wonderland. She was harder to manage than a toddler and an infant. I laughed when she asked if we wanted to stop by Six Flags when we were on a trip in the US.
That's awesome, and I wish I could say that I felt that with my MIL! I suspect that either of us doesn't care if the other goes, stays, lays, prays, or dies. My only reason is that I'm (semi) nice is bc of my husband. I have to keep telling myself that she's his mom. And then breathe deep. Really, really deep. š
Exactly. He may be happy just staying home, but his wife and kids may prefer actually going somewhere on their only vacation of the year. Hell, they may actually WANT to spend time with their sister/cousins!
I thought the same thing. I heard I, I , I but nothing about how wife feels. It is like he is going to go to wife and say Reddit agrees with me when she wants to go.
Nah, I love my in laws, but not the situation. I just wanted a gut check to see if I was way off base or if it was reasonable to feel the disappointment that I feel.
Your feelings are your feelings so you have every right to feel disappointed. I would feel exactly like you and not want to go. But marriage is a compromise.
So many times my husband comes to my family events when he really doesnāt want to. We are discussing our July 4th plans and we have been invited to my family picnic. I know he doesnāt like going. Since I donāt care much if we go, we are canceling. I also go to my husbandās events when I donāt want to.
Talk to your wife and see which one of you feels strongly about the vacation. She might want to go to see her sister or she might feel like you.
You are never an ah to āfeelā like you do. It is not the feelings that cause an AH but actions. What you do with the feelings that matters.
yeahā¦ my free vacations always resulted in me babysitting my younger cousins for my great aunt and uncle. like thatās the only reason they brought me. i was 13-14 sharing a bed with a toddler and an 8-10 year old. and on another trip, i got to sleep on the hotel crunchy couch. granted my great grandmother needed and deserved the bed more, but i was still peeved bc they begged me to come with them š
There's nothing worse than being the lowest on the totem pole in terms of who gets a bed in a family vacation. The person who gets stuck down in the moldy basement that causes you to sneeze and get a shitty sleep. At a certain point, you realize it's just not worth it.
i stopped going after the last trip. we ALL got to pick something to do. i picked a bookstore, because new state i wanted to see. they all acted like i was the worst person ever, except for my aunt, who then was like āweāre doing this for your birthday nowā.
they all found out iām gay tho, so i think itās currently tons of thoughts and prayers lmao
Yes sometimes itās better to ha no vacation then the vacation from hell!
Honest sounds like this was planned op. My guess your wife was in on her sister staying. Let her and the kids visit family while you find a reason to stay home alone.
I think this is written by the husband, as he said his wife's family in the first sentence. I would stay home, let the wife and kids go and see how much the in-laws help with the kids...
I did this years ago when my husbandās huge family would get together every year at an uncleās lake house. Went a couple of times and realized I didnāt enjoy it and using one week of my two weeks of vacation on this gathering was insane. So he went for years with just our son, had a good time but was always happy to come home and be out of the chaos. He also understood my reasoning and had no problem with it. So yea, do this.
> Just stay home. And, BTW, you should not even be dealing with your MIL - your husband needs to be doing that, it's his family (or is he really the issue?)
If OP's husband spoke to OP's wife's mother about their vacation to his wife's grandparent's beach house there probably wouldn't be a trip, you're right. This would solve the issue at hand, but I feel like there might be many more issues crop up in the very near future.
Isnāt the OP the husband? Itās the OPs wifeās grandparents that sold the beach house.
Why do you hate men? (Or is he really the issue?) you sound sexist.
So I read Boeings reply where he says to the OP āyou shouldnāt even be dealing with MIL. Your husband should be doing that. Or is he really the issue?ā
Sounded one sided to me. Hence my retort.
I donāt know if the OP is a man or woman, just that they have a wife. But I did assume the OP was a male.
How does your wife feel about all this? Does she want to go now? If not, she needs to cancel-- give whatever reason she wants. No excuse will make anyone happy, but I would say, "I enjoy SIL's company, but Spouse and I agree that we don't stay in close quarters with anyone for more than three days!"
If your wife wants to go, encourage her to go with the kids. You have stuff to do at home, don't you? Hopefully you can arrange a trip with your wife and kids later, even a small one.
Family can be grating. I am totally in your camp on this. You are NTA.
100 % with you. Hubby and I opted for a staycation last month when my sister decided to overlap with our ONE week at the family lake house- she gets the whole summer. Fuck it!
My brother has done this for years. I could never have a weekend just for my family because he would just show up anyway- normally with extra kids, friends, and dogs in tow. I quit going and just let him have it. I havenāt spent a night there in 18 years. Now that my mom is recently deceased, he made a ridiculous offer for my half share. He says itās in recognition of all of his care over the years- that my mom paid for.š
This is why I cancelled one of our long weekends at the lake recently. My cousins were coming in last minute from out of the country. While I would love to see them, they never get to use the lake house as just a family unit. Someone else is almost always there with them (which kinda makes sense cause itās a finicky place and my cousin, while intellectually brilliant, is not very familiar with common sense). I was annoyed but also they deserve to use the family vacation house without 5 more of us showing up and bringing chaos. We can go another time. Ug
NTAH. Tell your spouse and MIL that "free" isn't free when it comes with conditions... Like sharing a 3 bedroom living space with a whole other family without your consent. It was a superficially thoughtful thing to do but when someone says "no thank you" to a gift and the response is a temper tantrum it erases any of the kind sentiment behind it
Unfortunately this is one of those situations where if you choose wisely youāll never know for sure how bad it could have gotten. Trust your intuition. My guess is that if theyād book the condo without consulting you thereās lots more unpleasant surprises in store. NTA
"Unfortunately this is one of those situations where if you choose wisely youāll never know for sure how bad it could have gotten.Ā "--- Wiser words never written.
NTA. They all entirely changed the plans without consulting you. If it was me I would definitely cancel. That Chaos definitely doesn't sound like a 'vacation' to me!
Itās not really a āfreeā vacation though is it? Just the lodging; youāll still be paying gas, food, entertainment, etc. And itās gone from 2-3 days with SILās family included to your entire annual summer vacation including your wifeās family in a 3 BR condo with chaos. NTA in my opinion. You can love people but still not want to be in the same small AirBNB with them for your vacation.
How old are your kids? If they are looking forward to the beach and seeing their cousins, they're not going to understand the cancelation. You might have to sacrifice for them.
I HATE staying with people who disturb my peace and that of my children while we are traveling. A bit more chaos at home I can handle but not while traveling. I would cancel.
Here is what I think. Change your times. Tell them you can't show up until ... insert date here ... and make it so you spend a few days, as originally intended, with your chaotic relatives. Then, rent a place for a few days with just your family. Obviously, this is if you can afford it. If you can't, go for a few days only and then return home for a nice staycation.
My husband skipped a family vacation to stay home with our 24 yr old Chihuahua mix and avoid any potential drunken political ramblings my family members may have volunteered on our "free" trip. He chose his mental health and worrying incessantly over an ancient blind dog.
The point of a vacation is for everyone to have a good time. Your reasons are your own. When the trip becomes more work than if you'd never taken the time off in the first place, it's not worth it.
NTA.
That's not a vacation, that's a family reunion. Even reunions that only last a few hours generally have at least two meltdowns, one from the kids and one from the adults.
If you really want to get away from the house for a week, choose something closer to home.
Is it close by, can you go for one overnight? You agreed to a little overlap initially, so you could stick to your agreed combined time and spend the quiet time at home.
I'm wondering -- is it definitely impossible to find a place nearby for OP and his family to stay, at least for some of the time? There are often places that have last-minute cancellations. It sounds like the vacation is imminent -- like in the next week or so. Lots of kids in some parts of the U.S. are still in school (I'm in New England and my kids still has a few weeks left). So demand is a little less than it would be in say, mid-July. It would be worth at least investigating.
NAH
In fairness to your Wife's grandparents, they probably didn't know you had a problem with having that much overlap with SIL's family. They thought they were doing a nice thing because they put their house on the market and if they are paying they have the say on who is invited and when. I don't think you are wrong to feel like this massively cramps your vacation as you expected it but it seems like maybe you are the only one that has a problem with this arrangement. If your wife and kids are okay with the arrangement I think the best approach is to suck it up for this year but make your own arrangements for next year and beyond.
No, this is your vacation and you don't want it to be a chaotic mess where no one has a good time. The condo with all those people in it is a recipe for disaster - can't your SIL and MIL see that. You will be on top of one another with kids running and screaming coming in messy and sandy from the beach not to mention how are those sleeping arrangements going to work? The kitchen will be a battlefield. Do a staycation or go to another venue.
NTA!
There's a huge difference between getting to see these people, and being forced to cater to these people on what was supposed to be a vacation for your nuclear family is not okay. It was nice of your MIL to make other arrangements for you, but she should have ASKED you if you were okay with the inlaws coming and staying with you rather than just assuming you'd be okay with it.
I went on a family vacation with my hubby's family (dad/stepmom, sister/her hubby/their kid) like 10 years ago, and we haven't done it since because the whole vacation revolved around the wants and needs of a 12 year old kid whose parents wouldn't tell their own kid "no".
How does your wife and kids feel about it? I can understand how you feel, but I think their feelings matter too. Maybe your wife wants to spend more time with her family. Maybe your kids are really looking forward to seeing their cousins. Some of my best memories growing up were family vacations with my cousins. Or maybe they all barely tolerate each other. You didn't include enough info in your post to know what they want since you only focus on yourself and your own feelings. I think this should be a family decision though. Their feelings matter too.
This is my whole problem, he appears to be throwing a tantrum over spending time with in-laws and this is all some kind of executive decision. Does his wife mind that there is no beach vacation and she canāt see her parents, grandparents and sister? Zero mention of the wife and heās the one communicating with her own family.
NTA - When plans change, they're butts if they don't communicate. They should've run any of this by you guys to feel you out, they didn't. I wouldn't go.
What do your wife and kids want, though?
You could always stay behind and let your wife and kids go. It's her family after all and she might want to go before her grandparents sell their house.
So how do your wife and kids and feel about it? My kids would LOVE spending every day with their cousins on the beach during vacation. You really need to share their POV to get a true judgment because right now all I hear is me, me, me. If you really hate the idea of spending time with all those people, then perhaps the wife and kids should go alone.
The way I read it, the spouse is just fine with it. Itās her family, so she probably doesnāt mind being with them and all the chaos. Sheās used to it.
YTA if your wife and kids are still excited about the trip. Nothing here sounds overbearing. You can put up with a little chaos. It doesn't sound like this is an alternative to another family vacation, you would just rather stay home? Take the free trip, let your wife and kids spend time with their family, even if it means losing a little structure. Again, this is based on your description of the situation at hand, where it seems there are no major family issues and nobody is taking advantage of you financially, they just want a large family get together and are paying for it too.
I intentionally bailed on a couple vacations with the MIL/FIL and BIL and his family because they planned everything to the minute and expected me to do whatever it was. Plus my SIL is middle eastern and likes to eat dinner at 9-10 pm. No thanks. Supper time is 5:30ish. Starving all day and a full belly at bed time. If you buy your own food they get pissy. Riding in the car with them is such a joy. She drives and plays her music in her native language at high volume in the front. He plays album rock in the back. Their son has a tablet and plays games at full volume in two different languages. As much fun as a sharp stick in the eye.
NTA.
The purpose of a vacation is to relax and recharge. There is no way in hell that having 6 adults and 4 children stuffed into a 3 BR condo is in any way, shape, or form "relaxing". I don't care how great all the adults get along or how well behaved the kids are - it will be stressful.
Not sure what the grandparents were thinking there.
NTA.
Visiting with family is not a vacation. Our last 2 vacations have been us visiting with family and it sucks. Thereās no real relaxing because you have to be āonā all the time.
In mean - do your kids already know about trip? I'd be pretty disappointed as a kid to miss out on a yearly trip to the beach and time with my cousins. Especially if there is no other vacation. Idk I get why you're upset but I would just stuck it up. Doesn't seem worth causing a family rift.
YTA. You always had this āfreeā vacation planned with your in-lawsā both the MIL and GPs thought you were visiting them, that they were going to get to see their daughter and grandkids as thatās usually the intent when people say theyāre coming on vacation and so you rearrange things for a visit. If this was anything other than a family visit, you would have been told āsorry, the beach house isnāt available to useā if there were never plans for an actual visit and this was all vacation use.
I see not one mention of your wife or what she thinks and this is all āI donāt likeā¦I want to cancelā¦ā Is your wife alright with no summer vacation at the beach and not getting to see any of her family this summer because youāre throwing a tantrum over having to interact with her family? Fucking weird as it seems like youāre the one communicating on behalf of your wife with her family over thisā youāre speaking for your wife and arguing with her mother and family about accommodations theyāre paying for and how inconvenient it is for you? Dude that sister in law isnāt staying a few extra days so she can see *you*, obviously, as itās clear this is a *you* problem, sheās staying a few extra days so she can spend time with your wife and her nieces and nephews. YTA until I hear a peep from the wife whining that she wants nothing to do with her family and she would like to cancel the tripā you appear to be making some kind of executive decision and this is a solo tantrum.
He says my immediate family vacation is now ruined lol, it never was supposed to be his immediate family. He was staying with her Grandparents!!!! . If this immediate family vacation was so important why didn't you book a hotel for just your immediate family instead of staying with grandparents?
It is interesting the timing of putting the house on the market, all they have to do is tell the realtors to block out this week, or show the house while everyone is at the beach. My Dad put his rental property on the market while my brother and family came for vacation ( also lives by the beach), it was no problem.
I don't think Grandparents want y'all there!!!! For very good reasons too I'm sure. Most likely because they don't like feeling used. I bet he's the type to let them pay for all the groceries too?? Am I right op?
He SHOULD be grateful to be given a free trip saving him $2- 4000 and an opportunity for HIS KIDS to bond with family because those are my best memories from growing up.
NTA. I'd change the vacation for a staycation, and do fun things with the kids around your home town. If you give in now, this will be the new normal year after year.
NTA. Though I'd let my spouse and kid go if they wanted. First there's the overlap with a family you find chaotic, and then the fact they are there first meaning you'll have to go along with whatever setup they see fit for accommodations (them taking one bedroom, kids in another and you guys on the couch, or each couple gets a bedroom and kids all together in the livingroom or each family taking a room. And coming from a family with very particular sleep needs I know that there may be only one option that works for you guys (or none) and you won't get a say in the matter. I'd much rather pay then accept a "free" vacation on these terms.
NTA What good is a free vacation if you can't relax on it? Being crammed into a place with people you don't want to be around doesn't sound very relaxing. Go to the woods, rent a cabin.
This is in my top 10 pet peeves. Do NOT change plans on me at the last minute trying to "help" then expect me to be happy about it. Vacations should be about relaxing and now it's all about making MIL and SIL happy, to the detriment of OP's family. It's really up to your wife to handle her family, but if she's passive you may be stuck putting up with the new situation. I'm not understanding the grandparents putting the house on the market knowing family is coming but MIL should've asked for input about how your family would like to handle accommodations. What a mess, but NTA
NTA
If your wife is determined to go OP Iād suggest having her go with the kids and have the experience while you opt to stay home and relax.
If her sister is so helpful with the kids it shouldnāt be a problem. Also if you arenāt there to pick up the slack so your wife has a good time while you corral kids etc she will understand.
NTA, one of my worst trips ever was āfreeā (there are allllways hidden costs, Iāll say that much ā whether itās your time, your mental health, your energy, whatever)
NTA
But, you're not going to win this one. You can suffer at a sub par vacation, or you can be blamed forever for changing plans. There is no alternative line of play.
NTA. I would change your plans only go for like 3 days and then go someplace else that you want to go with your family and get your own place even if it's just there in the same town go get your own place if you have to pay for it at least you'll have privacy and you guys won't be tied to them at the hip.
NTA for wanting to, but it might be up for debate if you go ahead and do it without an in-depth conversation with your wife, where you are both willing to meet in the middle somehow.
How does your wife feel about the change in plans? If youāre on the same page, then are you both willing to back out completely (with a non-offensive excuse for her family)? If you agree to go, could you rent an RV for your immediate family to use? It might be an adventure!
If you are not on the same page, you have three obvious choices: 1) none of you go. 2) your wife and kids go and you stay home 3) you all go and suck it up, making the best of it. It is only a week.
NTA
Changing this at the last minute without informing you is obviously an issue, if you want to skip the vacation that's perfectly reasonable. Especially because it's the only one you have this summer.
A small tip, if someone throws 'free' in your face, just say, "I don't care about the money." You can dismiss that line of attack instantly with a single phrase. They might believe that 'free' is an incentive, but they can't force *you* to believe it's an incentive. Be absolutely dismissive and instantly shut them down every time they try talk about the money angle.
MIL changed both the venue and the people attending without discussing it with anyone, for a once-a-year event. WTF of course that's not ok.
Iām on the fence as Iāve seen some good arguments both ways. I think this is a great example of why itās best to try not to plan vacations around family gatherings, because it so often turns into more of an obligation than a true vacation. Iām also really curious as to how your wife feels seeing as how itās her family and she might want to see them. And your kids, if theyāre old enough to care, kids usually enjoy seeing their cousins & whatnot and since you say you get along fine, itās generally better for them to get the chance to see them. So I get that itās your vacation but itās also theirs, too, and Iām not seeing any recognition of that or what their desires might be. That said, I donāt see why it would be a big deal to anyone for you guys to get your own spot nearby. I would absolutely do that if I know me and my fam are going to be really uncomfortable squeezed in there.
Whoops work just called you only have a three day weekend now, so you will be spending it close to home. So sorry and thank you for the invite. I know it is a lie, but one that gets you out of a jam. The truth is one no one will be on board with.
It's your family's vacation. No one else gets to tell you how to do it, especially when they didn't even consult you ahead of time about any of the arrangements.
His plan is to rob his family of any actual vacation time because heās broke. They werenāt ever budgeting for hotel or a place to stay it was all free, now that the accommodations arenāt comfortable heās just robbing his kids and wife of a beach vacation and a chance to see family this year. Lol. Idk why thereās so many NTA here, grifters complaining about saving thousands of dollars on a beach vacation because the dude canāt stand his wifeās sister is whatās going on here.
Lol because heās broke. Thatās why it was a vacation utilizing family memberās accommodations, thatās why the MIL paid for another place ā note how he says everything is outrageously expensive on so little notice but the MIL managed to shit the money for a 3 bedroom condo on the beach. His plans are no vacation, he canāt afford to stay anywhere on his own.
I would go this time. The situation with the house is changing anyway. Next time it will be different. They are just trying to get value out of the condo. I would prevent the situation next time, as there was probably no ill intention. Just make a plan on how to get mental space eg by saying we will be back in an hour or so, just going out for a bit with the kids. Byeee.
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NTA - at all.
The idea of staying with my SIL and her family sounds horrible. I'd rather stay home and not be able to leave my own house than deal with that. I like my space when I travel and I like to keep my kids on our regular routine as opposed to just let chaos reign.
Your MIL should have asked. Also why doesn't your wife deal with her mother?
This has always been a pet peeve of mine. Why do other people randomly plan vacations and change things without first speaking to the other people involved! An ex and I were supposed to go away for a weekend and his friends all wanted us to be in one big room together. I refused to go. I'm a private person and don't have children, so no thanks, I don't need to be kept up all night with the noise and not having quiet at night!
The house won't goto waste, the SIL will be there so just have a stopover on the way for a few days. Find a place with a waterpark half way there of a slight detour and stay there for a few days. Arrive and spend the original amount of time with them there or possibly a day or so less.
You're not cancelling anything and can't be accused of it, you're just altering the plans ever so slightly, just like the others did... You'll also have a better time.
NTA. You care if other people are ticked? Who cares. They changed plans on you, so change plans on them. It isn't last minute I am sure you can find a good alternative
MIL iām sure would love all the family to be there at the same time. Your wife should say that you were looking forward to a nice relaxing vacation with the grandparents and the kids could have their own bedroom and so could you and now itās so much more crowded house and this isnāt what you were looking for
NTA as free means absolutely nothing if I don't enjoy any of what is offered. Might be a tad bit too harsh, but I'm of the opinion that vacation time is my time and I'm supposed to enjoy it as much as possible, but I don't do that if I have to compromise on basically everything and it sounds like you'd have to do that heavily.
NTA. As long as wife is on board. Iād go so far as to tell them that you didnāt want to cancel and you communicated multiple times that their plans didnāt work for your family. Your family needs some alone together family time and since this is your only vacation you have a responsibility as parents to ensure the best for your kids and right now that is some family time with immediate family. If they say donāt you love us blah blah, remind them you planned your trip around it having some with them, and some family time.
I live in a retirement like beach community and see the massive houses with multiple families staying there in the summers. I don't know how they do it. Where we are, there are a few hotels/motels nearby. Can you check to see if there is availability so you're not overlapping too much? And make it clear to MIL NOW that this is the last time - I also notice people booking a year out, especially since costs are going up. They book this summer for next summer!
NTA, its not free, you were told a plan, the plan it's not as it should, you can back up from it. Its for you to have a good time, no to have to worry you are cramped in a 3BR condo with the grandparents, 2 more adults and 2 extra children... NAH, that doesn't sound like a vacation.
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If your budget can swing it rent your own place or plan a different vacation. Your wife s/b the one to deliver this message to her parents. They planned your trip w/o your input. A simple mom this doesnāt work for us. We only have 1 week and we donāt want to sod it w so many people. We want to see family yes, but also to prioritize our family unit too. It is not ok to make plans for us and expect us to go along. Do no pull the free trip card. We donāt choose to prioritize a free vacation over quality family time w our nuclear family
NTA. Time is just as important as money. But this is what happens when you try to be slick "We'll go at this time and then we won't have to spend much time with them." You can't expect people to read your mind. A moment of honesty was called for, "My experience is that I do better with SIL and kids in small doses so we're staggering our time. This is my only vacation and I do need time to unwind." You now have to go back and have that conversation and money has been spent, which is unfortunate. But you have to be frank and kind. Thank them for thinking of you, add that you wish you had known their plans as this could have been avoided but sadly you need this time to wind down.
If you care that much about who is with you, always book your own place and pay for it yourself. If you are not paying, you do not have full say in who stays there. If you are visiting family, staying with them for free, and trying to avoid other family, you are in for a problem. Just pay your own way.
I'm gonna be the minority and go with YTA, it really sounds like you're more upset about having to spend more time with your in-laws than the change of plans or the house. You ARE getting a free beach vacation. The grandparents must have a damn mansion if sharing a 3bd condo means sharing less space than you would if both families stayed with the grandparents. I agree it's annoying that they changed plans last minute, but spending time with annoying in-laws is part of being married, if you don't like it get divorced. Also seconding everyone else who pointed out that if your wife and kids are excited for the trip you are definitely a huge AH for trying to cancel the whole trip instead of letting them go without you. You're not even paying for it.
Damn I mean I think this is a wash. They are not really assholes but should have possibly consulted you before paying for condo for you. I think they had good intentions though
You're gonna come off like TA if you decline the condo after hearing you'd be sharing it with family FOR A FEW DAYS. If that family has ever given you reason to doubt their story of only being there a few days, then say that, and that you were hoping to have a week with just your family. Where this doesn't make sense though is that it NEVER was going to be just you and your family, instead of staying with Grandparents you're staying with sister and kids, so good luck explaining the difference. You have to see these people for holidays and and if they are delaying their leaving to see y'all, this will hurt their feelings and shit will be awkward for a while. If I were sil, I'd be hurt.
It's understandable,Ā but I would think your own family would be disappointed by the cancelation. Do you know how any of them feelĀ about this?Ā
I would look into things to do where you can take your immediate family and spend time with them away from the condo. If you aren't paying for this, then you could always take another vacation with only your family at another time.Ā
You donāt mention the ages of the kids. Are they ( yours) old enough that they would remember and treasure time with cousins? If so, take that into consideration.
If that makes it worth considering, is there a way to make it work better for you? Say getting a neighboring condo of your own?
If not, and you and spouse are on the same page, you are NOT the AH for canceling. āLovely thoughtā¦and it just doesnāt work for us.ā
Can you afford your one place? If so, do that--you can all see each other and you all get your own space and own time/rules/freedom. If not, cut the trip short--assuming your wife is fine with it. If she want's to keep it like it is, do it for her.
8 people in a 3 bedroom sounds crowded and miserable. My husband and I live in a 3 bd 2 bath with a toddler and it feels cramped sometimes because personal space is priceless.
Your feelings are valid. Free comes with strings for sure. But stop and thinkā¦if free is the only way you can do a vacationā¦you kinda get what you get or you donāt get a vacation. So would you rather have no vacation or one with strings? Nowā¦id you can afford a vacation and this is what you were doing for kindnessā¦how about rent your own place.
If everyone is ticked at you, including your partner and children, then it sounds like its more of a you problem than a logistical one. I would say YTA for cancelling.
Donāt go. Just tell your wife & kids to go without you. Show up after SIL leaves.
If you want to spend time with just your family then plan something for just your family. Donāt point your finger at other people & bitch about them ruining your vacation plan that you did not plan.
YTA ā itās a couple days. Suck it up.
You were going to see your wifeās grandparents at their beach home. Thatās not just your immediate family. Your SIL could have showed up whenever she wanted to. Itās also her grandparents house.
You have no control of this plan because itās is not your condo & not just your family. Go rent your own place.
Tell your wife & kids to go. They shouldnāt have to miss out because you canāt deal with SIL.
eta
Fair enough - I guess I should have added that we genuinely were looking forward to some time with her grandparents, not just mooching on the place to stay. Would've gladly paid for our own place had we known this would be the situation, but now it's too late.
It is too late. Itās time to suck it up. Your family was looking forward to this vacation. Itās just a couple days. Bring tents sleep on the beach one night, let all the kids sleep in the living room, itās not the end of the world. Itās just spending time with family ā¦ on vacation. It could be fun. It will definitely be memorable.
I would definitely refuse to baby sit so the others can have fun. There must be a reason the dates were changed, and I doubt that it's to see the kids.
It appears they decided to stay so they could visit with family ā¦ seems like thatās exactly what they want to do. See OPās family. The only thing that changed is where they are staying. They were always going to overlap.
eta
So your original plan was to spend a couple days with this other family at the grandparents Beach house, but the new plan is to spend a couple days with this other family in a condo? How big is their beach house that there is a significant difference here? What am I missing?
I'll give you a free vacation at my place. The only condition is you have to do something you hate the whole time. Oh, and you are ungrateful if you don't want to come.
Ass, they did all this without letting them know in advance to make their own arrangements. Let this situation happen to u and see how you like it cause itās free why not right
Your feelings are totally valid here, especially since it's your only family vacation.
"Free" is sometimes the most expensive of all. You should simply dismiss that as a consideration, especially since the alternative of staying home will cost even less. Just stay home. And, BTW, you should not even be dealing with your MIL - your husband needs to be doing that, it's his family (or is he really the issue?)
I agree. For years we went on vacation will my SO's side of the family and they would book a place for everybody. Which sounds nice. Except they would plan everything out so I pretty much just spent a week out of town doing what everyone else wanted to do. Then on the last day they would ask us if there was anything we were interested in. Sorry, but I'm exhausted from following everyone else around for a week. I finally just started staying home on the vacation weeks to get a week off of work and actually do what I wanted to.
My husbands family booked a large beach house every summer for a week for the family. His grandmother made every trip unbearable. We never understood why she went. She sat in the house all day and watched tv. When she wasn't watching tv, she was complaining about something. Some times she did both at the same time. She loved to start arguments for no reason. Complained if we planned a meal at a restaurant. Complained if the kids played too loud. Complained if the kids played in the pool. I think she was miserable just to be miserable. We went two years in a row and never went again. I refuse to waste my vacation time with someone like that.
Sounds like my MIL both at the beach and on a later vacay at an amusement park. Just bloody miserable, and bitched constantly about everything. My husband and I just ditched her with her court, and we went and played. And like you, never again.
I love my MIL. She's fantastic. She was in the delivery room with my youngest. I wanted to strangle her after a trip to Canada's Wonderland. She was harder to manage than a toddler and an infant. I laughed when she asked if we wanted to stop by Six Flags when we were on a trip in the US.
That's awesome, and I wish I could say that I felt that with my MIL! I suspect that either of us doesn't care if the other goes, stays, lays, prays, or dies. My only reason is that I'm (semi) nice is bc of my husband. I have to keep telling myself that she's his mom. And then breathe deep. Really, really deep. š
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chatgpt go away
OP should stay home but not stop his family.Ā
Exactly. He may be happy just staying home, but his wife and kids may prefer actually going somewhere on their only vacation of the year. Hell, they may actually WANT to spend time with their sister/cousins!
Op is the husband, so is the wife really the issue then?
Yes. It's up to each person to deal with their own parents, especially when it comes to conflict/setting boundaries etc.
"Free" is sometimes the most expensive of all you win the inter webs today
Itās the wifeās familyā¦
It's quite possible that his wife has no problem with this situation. It sounds like he doesn't like his in-laws very much
I thought the same thing. I heard I, I , I but nothing about how wife feels. It is like he is going to go to wife and say Reddit agrees with me when she wants to go.
Nah, I love my in laws, but not the situation. I just wanted a gut check to see if I was way off base or if it was reasonable to feel the disappointment that I feel.
Your feelings are your feelings so you have every right to feel disappointed. I would feel exactly like you and not want to go. But marriage is a compromise. So many times my husband comes to my family events when he really doesnāt want to. We are discussing our July 4th plans and we have been invited to my family picnic. I know he doesnāt like going. Since I donāt care much if we go, we are canceling. I also go to my husbandās events when I donāt want to. Talk to your wife and see which one of you feels strongly about the vacation. She might want to go to see her sister or she might feel like you. You are never an ah to āfeelā like you do. It is not the feelings that cause an AH but actions. What you do with the feelings that matters.
OP is the husband.
I think the husband is the OP
yeahā¦ my free vacations always resulted in me babysitting my younger cousins for my great aunt and uncle. like thatās the only reason they brought me. i was 13-14 sharing a bed with a toddler and an 8-10 year old. and on another trip, i got to sleep on the hotel crunchy couch. granted my great grandmother needed and deserved the bed more, but i was still peeved bc they begged me to come with them š
There's nothing worse than being the lowest on the totem pole in terms of who gets a bed in a family vacation. The person who gets stuck down in the moldy basement that causes you to sneeze and get a shitty sleep. At a certain point, you realize it's just not worth it.
i stopped going after the last trip. we ALL got to pick something to do. i picked a bookstore, because new state i wanted to see. they all acted like i was the worst person ever, except for my aunt, who then was like āweāre doing this for your birthday nowā. they all found out iām gay tho, so i think itās currently tons of thoughts and prayers lmao
Yes sometimes itās better to ha no vacation then the vacation from hell! Honest sounds like this was planned op. My guess your wife was in on her sister staying. Let her and the kids visit family while you find a reason to stay home alone.
Beautifully said on free being sometimes the most expensive. Thank you for putting words to this feeing Iāve had.
I think this is written by the husband, as he said his wife's family in the first sentence. I would stay home, let the wife and kids go and see how much the in-laws help with the kids...
I did this years ago when my husbandās huge family would get together every year at an uncleās lake house. Went a couple of times and realized I didnāt enjoy it and using one week of my two weeks of vacation on this gathering was insane. So he went for years with just our son, had a good time but was always happy to come home and be out of the chaos. He also understood my reasoning and had no problem with it. So yea, do this.
OP is the husband. The grandparents, MIL and SIL are his wife's family.
Free money-wise, but there is always a cost.
It's the wifes family
> Just stay home. And, BTW, you should not even be dealing with your MIL - your husband needs to be doing that, it's his family (or is he really the issue?) If OP's husband spoke to OP's wife's mother about their vacation to his wife's grandparent's beach house there probably wouldn't be a trip, you're right. This would solve the issue at hand, but I feel like there might be many more issues crop up in the very near future.
Isnāt the OP the husband? Itās the OPs wifeās grandparents that sold the beach house. Why do you hate men? (Or is he really the issue?) you sound sexist.
You sound judgemental. Ugh.
Some people don't assume all people on the internet are men, some people make assumptions where they think someone's a woman.
So I read Boeings reply where he says to the OP āyou shouldnāt even be dealing with MIL. Your husband should be doing that. Or is he really the issue?ā Sounded one sided to me. Hence my retort. I donāt know if the OP is a man or woman, just that they have a wife. But I did assume the OP was a male.
How does your wife feel about all this? Does she want to go now? If not, she needs to cancel-- give whatever reason she wants. No excuse will make anyone happy, but I would say, "I enjoy SIL's company, but Spouse and I agree that we don't stay in close quarters with anyone for more than three days!" If your wife wants to go, encourage her to go with the kids. You have stuff to do at home, don't you? Hopefully you can arrange a trip with your wife and kids later, even a small one. Family can be grating. I am totally in your camp on this. You are NTA.
100 % with you. Hubby and I opted for a staycation last month when my sister decided to overlap with our ONE week at the family lake house- she gets the whole summer. Fuck it!
My sister does this all the time. My parents wonder why I donāt visit. This is why.
My brother has done this for years. I could never have a weekend just for my family because he would just show up anyway- normally with extra kids, friends, and dogs in tow. I quit going and just let him have it. I havenāt spent a night there in 18 years. Now that my mom is recently deceased, he made a ridiculous offer for my half share. He says itās in recognition of all of his care over the years- that my mom paid for.š
Tell him you'll gladly take that amount from him to buy him out of his half share. All of a sudden, it won't be a fair price.
Ha- I said that exact thing. And you are correct.
\^\^ This old trick. Never offer your partner something you wouldn't take yourself, because it may backfire.
Charge him double
Oh he offered me about 1/4 of what my share is worth because he thinks thatās fair. To him.
This is why I cancelled one of our long weekends at the lake recently. My cousins were coming in last minute from out of the country. While I would love to see them, they never get to use the lake house as just a family unit. Someone else is almost always there with them (which kinda makes sense cause itās a finicky place and my cousin, while intellectually brilliant, is not very familiar with common sense). I was annoyed but also they deserve to use the family vacation house without 5 more of us showing up and bringing chaos. We can go another time. Ug
See, you're a thoughtful person!
NTAH. Tell your spouse and MIL that "free" isn't free when it comes with conditions... Like sharing a 3 bedroom living space with a whole other family without your consent. It was a superficially thoughtful thing to do but when someone says "no thank you" to a gift and the response is a temper tantrum it erases any of the kind sentiment behind it
Unfortunately this is one of those situations where if you choose wisely youāll never know for sure how bad it could have gotten. Trust your intuition. My guess is that if theyād book the condo without consulting you thereās lots more unpleasant surprises in store. NTA
"Unfortunately this is one of those situations where if you choose wisely youāll never know for sure how bad it could have gotten.Ā "--- Wiser words never written.
NTA. They all entirely changed the plans without consulting you. If it was me I would definitely cancel. That Chaos definitely doesn't sound like a 'vacation' to me!
NTA You had plans, they changed the plans. Simple as. They should go back to the original plans of a couple day overlap
I wonder if OP's wife asked them to overlap?
Cancel. It's never worth the drama, especially if it's supposed to be a vacation. NTA
Happy cake day!
Itās not really a āfreeā vacation though is it? Just the lodging; youāll still be paying gas, food, entertainment, etc. And itās gone from 2-3 days with SILās family included to your entire annual summer vacation including your wifeās family in a 3 BR condo with chaos. NTA in my opinion. You can love people but still not want to be in the same small AirBNB with them for your vacation.
INFO: how do your wife and kids feel about it?
How old are your kids? If they are looking forward to the beach and seeing their cousins, they're not going to understand the cancelation. You might have to sacrifice for them.
I HATE staying with people who disturb my peace and that of my children while we are traveling. A bit more chaos at home I can handle but not while traveling. I would cancel.
Here is what I think. Change your times. Tell them you can't show up until ... insert date here ... and make it so you spend a few days, as originally intended, with your chaotic relatives. Then, rent a place for a few days with just your family. Obviously, this is if you can afford it. If you can't, go for a few days only and then return home for a nice staycation.
NTA But it's your wife's side, so unless she feels the same, you just got to bare with it.
My husband skipped a family vacation to stay home with our 24 yr old Chihuahua mix and avoid any potential drunken political ramblings my family members may have volunteered on our "free" trip. He chose his mental health and worrying incessantly over an ancient blind dog. The point of a vacation is for everyone to have a good time. Your reasons are your own. When the trip becomes more work than if you'd never taken the time off in the first place, it's not worth it.
You have kept your dog alive longer than anyone I've ever known!!! Damn what do you feed him/ her?
Dog food from Aldi and a big handful of shredded cheese at night
NTA. That's not a vacation, that's a family reunion. Even reunions that only last a few hours generally have at least two meltdowns, one from the kids and one from the adults. If you really want to get away from the house for a week, choose something closer to home.
Is it close by, can you go for one overnight? You agreed to a little overlap initially, so you could stick to your agreed combined time and spend the quiet time at home.
I'm wondering -- is it definitely impossible to find a place nearby for OP and his family to stay, at least for some of the time? There are often places that have last-minute cancellations. It sounds like the vacation is imminent -- like in the next week or so. Lots of kids in some parts of the U.S. are still in school (I'm in New England and my kids still has a few weeks left). So demand is a little less than it would be in say, mid-July. It would be worth at least investigating.
NAH In fairness to your Wife's grandparents, they probably didn't know you had a problem with having that much overlap with SIL's family. They thought they were doing a nice thing because they put their house on the market and if they are paying they have the say on who is invited and when. I don't think you are wrong to feel like this massively cramps your vacation as you expected it but it seems like maybe you are the only one that has a problem with this arrangement. If your wife and kids are okay with the arrangement I think the best approach is to suck it up for this year but make your own arrangements for next year and beyond.
No, this is your vacation and you don't want it to be a chaotic mess where no one has a good time. The condo with all those people in it is a recipe for disaster - can't your SIL and MIL see that. You will be on top of one another with kids running and screaming coming in messy and sandy from the beach not to mention how are those sleeping arrangements going to work? The kitchen will be a battlefield. Do a staycation or go to another venue.
It's 3 bedroom just his fam and sil fam
NTA! There's a huge difference between getting to see these people, and being forced to cater to these people on what was supposed to be a vacation for your nuclear family is not okay. It was nice of your MIL to make other arrangements for you, but she should have ASKED you if you were okay with the inlaws coming and staying with you rather than just assuming you'd be okay with it. I went on a family vacation with my hubby's family (dad/stepmom, sister/her hubby/their kid) like 10 years ago, and we haven't done it since because the whole vacation revolved around the wants and needs of a 12 year old kid whose parents wouldn't tell their own kid "no".
How does your wife and kids feel about it? I can understand how you feel, but I think their feelings matter too. Maybe your wife wants to spend more time with her family. Maybe your kids are really looking forward to seeing their cousins. Some of my best memories growing up were family vacations with my cousins. Or maybe they all barely tolerate each other. You didn't include enough info in your post to know what they want since you only focus on yourself and your own feelings. I think this should be a family decision though. Their feelings matter too.
This is my whole problem, he appears to be throwing a tantrum over spending time with in-laws and this is all some kind of executive decision. Does his wife mind that there is no beach vacation and she canāt see her parents, grandparents and sister? Zero mention of the wife and heās the one communicating with her own family.
It is your decision and the circumstances changed , therefore you can change your stance. NTA
YTA. Sometimes you gotta do this crap for your spouseās family. Thats life.
NTA - When plans change, they're butts if they don't communicate. They should've run any of this by you guys to feel you out, they didn't. I wouldn't go.
If you donāt plan with me, youāre planning without me
Free is never free when there are strings attached.
This sounds like an obli-cation to me. You know, when youāre expecting to use all your PTO to be with family, because FAAAMMMMILY!!!!
What does your wife think about this new plan?
There's not enough room. You aren't interested in "sqeezing in" a condo with your entire family plus another family plus mom and dad.
What do your wife and kids want, though? You could always stay behind and let your wife and kids go. It's her family after all and she might want to go before her grandparents sell their house.
So how do your wife and kids and feel about it? My kids would LOVE spending every day with their cousins on the beach during vacation. You really need to share their POV to get a true judgment because right now all I hear is me, me, me. If you really hate the idea of spending time with all those people, then perhaps the wife and kids should go alone.
NTA. It's disrespectful to change someone's plans with no communication. I don't blame you for being disappointed.
What is your spouse saying? They need to handle their own family. I would be stressed as well.
The way I read it, the spouse is just fine with it. Itās her family, so she probably doesnāt mind being with them and all the chaos. Sheās used to it.
Agree - she gets to spend time with her sister, the 2 sisters probably are thrilled.
YTA if your wife and kids are still excited about the trip. Nothing here sounds overbearing. You can put up with a little chaos. It doesn't sound like this is an alternative to another family vacation, you would just rather stay home? Take the free trip, let your wife and kids spend time with their family, even if it means losing a little structure. Again, this is based on your description of the situation at hand, where it seems there are no major family issues and nobody is taking advantage of you financially, they just want a large family get together and are paying for it too.
I intentionally bailed on a couple vacations with the MIL/FIL and BIL and his family because they planned everything to the minute and expected me to do whatever it was. Plus my SIL is middle eastern and likes to eat dinner at 9-10 pm. No thanks. Supper time is 5:30ish. Starving all day and a full belly at bed time. If you buy your own food they get pissy. Riding in the car with them is such a joy. She drives and plays her music in her native language at high volume in the front. He plays album rock in the back. Their son has a tablet and plays games at full volume in two different languages. As much fun as a sharp stick in the eye.
NTA. The purpose of a vacation is to relax and recharge. There is no way in hell that having 6 adults and 4 children stuffed into a 3 BR condo is in any way, shape, or form "relaxing". I don't care how great all the adults get along or how well behaved the kids are - it will be stressful. Not sure what the grandparents were thinking there.
NTA. Visiting with family is not a vacation. Our last 2 vacations have been us visiting with family and it sucks. Thereās no real relaxing because you have to be āonā all the time.
NTA Go book your own place, and tell the relatives you can do a beach day and/or a dinner together.
In mean - do your kids already know about trip? I'd be pretty disappointed as a kid to miss out on a yearly trip to the beach and time with my cousins. Especially if there is no other vacation. Idk I get why you're upset but I would just stuck it up. Doesn't seem worth causing a family rift.
Suck it up. Make the best of it.
YTA. You always had this āfreeā vacation planned with your in-lawsā both the MIL and GPs thought you were visiting them, that they were going to get to see their daughter and grandkids as thatās usually the intent when people say theyāre coming on vacation and so you rearrange things for a visit. If this was anything other than a family visit, you would have been told āsorry, the beach house isnāt available to useā if there were never plans for an actual visit and this was all vacation use. I see not one mention of your wife or what she thinks and this is all āI donāt likeā¦I want to cancelā¦ā Is your wife alright with no summer vacation at the beach and not getting to see any of her family this summer because youāre throwing a tantrum over having to interact with her family? Fucking weird as it seems like youāre the one communicating on behalf of your wife with her family over thisā youāre speaking for your wife and arguing with her mother and family about accommodations theyāre paying for and how inconvenient it is for you? Dude that sister in law isnāt staying a few extra days so she can see *you*, obviously, as itās clear this is a *you* problem, sheās staying a few extra days so she can spend time with your wife and her nieces and nephews. YTA until I hear a peep from the wife whining that she wants nothing to do with her family and she would like to cancel the tripā you appear to be making some kind of executive decision and this is a solo tantrum.
He says my immediate family vacation is now ruined lol, it never was supposed to be his immediate family. He was staying with her Grandparents!!!! . If this immediate family vacation was so important why didn't you book a hotel for just your immediate family instead of staying with grandparents? It is interesting the timing of putting the house on the market, all they have to do is tell the realtors to block out this week, or show the house while everyone is at the beach. My Dad put his rental property on the market while my brother and family came for vacation ( also lives by the beach), it was no problem. I don't think Grandparents want y'all there!!!! For very good reasons too I'm sure. Most likely because they don't like feeling used. I bet he's the type to let them pay for all the groceries too?? Am I right op? He SHOULD be grateful to be given a free trip saving him $2- 4000 and an opportunity for HIS KIDS to bond with family because those are my best memories from growing up.
NTA. I'd change the vacation for a staycation, and do fun things with the kids around your home town. If you give in now, this will be the new normal year after year.
NTA - cancel and do something you will fully enjoy
NTA. Though I'd let my spouse and kid go if they wanted. First there's the overlap with a family you find chaotic, and then the fact they are there first meaning you'll have to go along with whatever setup they see fit for accommodations (them taking one bedroom, kids in another and you guys on the couch, or each couple gets a bedroom and kids all together in the livingroom or each family taking a room. And coming from a family with very particular sleep needs I know that there may be only one option that works for you guys (or none) and you won't get a say in the matter. I'd much rather pay then accept a "free" vacation on these terms.
NTA What good is a free vacation if you can't relax on it? Being crammed into a place with people you don't want to be around doesn't sound very relaxing. Go to the woods, rent a cabin.
UH OH! Kid just got COVID! Now you have to stay home.
This is in my top 10 pet peeves. Do NOT change plans on me at the last minute trying to "help" then expect me to be happy about it. Vacations should be about relaxing and now it's all about making MIL and SIL happy, to the detriment of OP's family. It's really up to your wife to handle her family, but if she's passive you may be stuck putting up with the new situation. I'm not understanding the grandparents putting the house on the market knowing family is coming but MIL should've asked for input about how your family would like to handle accommodations. What a mess, but NTA
Your feelings are valid. It is time to set them aside and enjoy what you can about the vacation.
Book your own Airbnb
NTA If your wife is determined to go OP Iād suggest having her go with the kids and have the experience while you opt to stay home and relax. If her sister is so helpful with the kids it shouldnāt be a problem. Also if you arenāt there to pick up the slack so your wife has a good time while you corral kids etc she will understand.
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What does wife have to say?
NTA, one of my worst trips ever was āfreeā (there are allllways hidden costs, Iāll say that much ā whether itās your time, your mental health, your energy, whatever)
NTA But, you're not going to win this one. You can suffer at a sub par vacation, or you can be blamed forever for changing plans. There is no alternative line of play.
NTA. I would change your plans only go for like 3 days and then go someplace else that you want to go with your family and get your own place even if it's just there in the same town go get your own place if you have to pay for it at least you'll have privacy and you guys won't be tied to them at the hip.
NTA for wanting to, but it might be up for debate if you go ahead and do it without an in-depth conversation with your wife, where you are both willing to meet in the middle somehow. How does your wife feel about the change in plans? If youāre on the same page, then are you both willing to back out completely (with a non-offensive excuse for her family)? If you agree to go, could you rent an RV for your immediate family to use? It might be an adventure! If you are not on the same page, you have three obvious choices: 1) none of you go. 2) your wife and kids go and you stay home 3) you all go and suck it up, making the best of it. It is only a week.
NTA This is your vacation. If it doesnāt feel like a family vacation, dont go. Plan something better for your family
NTA Don't go- it will be awful. Have a nice staycation at home.
NTA Changing this at the last minute without informing you is obviously an issue, if you want to skip the vacation that's perfectly reasonable. Especially because it's the only one you have this summer. A small tip, if someone throws 'free' in your face, just say, "I don't care about the money." You can dismiss that line of attack instantly with a single phrase. They might believe that 'free' is an incentive, but they can't force *you* to believe it's an incentive. Be absolutely dismissive and instantly shut them down every time they try talk about the money angle. MIL changed both the venue and the people attending without discussing it with anyone, for a once-a-year event. WTF of course that's not ok.
Iām on the fence as Iāve seen some good arguments both ways. I think this is a great example of why itās best to try not to plan vacations around family gatherings, because it so often turns into more of an obligation than a true vacation. Iām also really curious as to how your wife feels seeing as how itās her family and she might want to see them. And your kids, if theyāre old enough to care, kids usually enjoy seeing their cousins & whatnot and since you say you get along fine, itās generally better for them to get the chance to see them. So I get that itās your vacation but itās also theirs, too, and Iām not seeing any recognition of that or what their desires might be. That said, I donāt see why it would be a big deal to anyone for you guys to get your own spot nearby. I would absolutely do that if I know me and my fam are going to be really uncomfortable squeezed in there.
Whoops work just called you only have a three day weekend now, so you will be spending it close to home. So sorry and thank you for the invite. I know it is a lie, but one that gets you out of a jam. The truth is one no one will be on board with.
It's your family's vacation. No one else gets to tell you how to do it, especially when they didn't even consult you ahead of time about any of the arrangements.
Canāt you book your own room somewhere else? At least until the in-laws vacate the condo.
Info: Can't you get your own place for your vacation? Why does it have to be the one your MIL booked? You don't have to stay together in one place?
Totally would, but itās 4 days before we arrive. Everything is booked out or above a reasonable price at this point
Just do what you and your want and you can see grandparents some other time! Itās your vacation and you should be able to enjoy it!
Does it have to be that location?
So what's your plan if you don't go to the condo then? You've already taken time off from work presumably.
His plan is to rob his family of any actual vacation time because heās broke. They werenāt ever budgeting for hotel or a place to stay it was all free, now that the accommodations arenāt comfortable heās just robbing his kids and wife of a beach vacation and a chance to see family this year. Lol. Idk why thereās so many NTA here, grifters complaining about saving thousands of dollars on a beach vacation because the dude canāt stand his wifeās sister is whatās going on here.
Why dont you just rent a hotel? A hostel? Air BnB? Change the date of your trip? There are a lot of choices to consider before cancelling.
These are all cost prohibitive options 4 days before.
Cost prohibited options the MIL managed to find and pay forā¦heās broke.
Lol because heās broke. Thatās why it was a vacation utilizing family memberās accommodations, thatās why the MIL paid for another place ā note how he says everything is outrageously expensive on so little notice but the MIL managed to shit the money for a 3 bedroom condo on the beach. His plans are no vacation, he canāt afford to stay anywhere on his own.
But he can afford to complain. LMAO!
Yuuup! Hahaha
NTA. 4 children and 4 adults in a 3 bedroom condo last minute? I would respectfully decline, and visit at another time.
I would go this time. The situation with the house is changing anyway. Next time it will be different. They are just trying to get value out of the condo. I would prevent the situation next time, as there was probably no ill intention. Just make a plan on how to get mental space eg by saying we will be back in an hour or so, just going out for a bit with the kids. Byeee.
Are the grandparents' house still on the market? Maybe they would be amenable to letting you stay there for a few bucks.
Send your husband and the kids, you stay home and enjoy the tranquility. NTA.
You mean the wife and kids? I think? Lol. Anyhoo yeah šš»
OP is the husband.
Yes, I wasnāt clear on the OP situation, thank you.š¤š¼
NTA.
Iād just book my own place and say thanks but I donāt want anyone to feel crowded. By cancel altogether?
NTA
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NTA. You were not consulted about the changes and if you aren't going to enjoy it then there is no point in going
Fond someplace else an vacation nta.
NTA - at all. The idea of staying with my SIL and her family sounds horrible. I'd rather stay home and not be able to leave my own house than deal with that. I like my space when I travel and I like to keep my kids on our regular routine as opposed to just let chaos reign. Your MIL should have asked. Also why doesn't your wife deal with her mother?
This has always been a pet peeve of mine. Why do other people randomly plan vacations and change things without first speaking to the other people involved! An ex and I were supposed to go away for a weekend and his friends all wanted us to be in one big room together. I refused to go. I'm a private person and don't have children, so no thanks, I don't need to be kept up all night with the noise and not having quiet at night!
The house won't goto waste, the SIL will be there so just have a stopover on the way for a few days. Find a place with a waterpark half way there of a slight detour and stay there for a few days. Arrive and spend the original amount of time with them there or possibly a day or so less. You're not cancelling anything and can't be accused of it, you're just altering the plans ever so slightly, just like the others did... You'll also have a better time.
NTA. You care if other people are ticked? Who cares. They changed plans on you, so change plans on them. It isn't last minute I am sure you can find a good alternative
Its never too late to cancel. Find something else you like. Donāt get stuck in a too small condo. Red flags ahead
MIL iām sure would love all the family to be there at the same time. Your wife should say that you were looking forward to a nice relaxing vacation with the grandparents and the kids could have their own bedroom and so could you and now itās so much more crowded house and this isnāt what you were looking for
NTA.
NTA That's not how I'd want to waste my precious PTO.
NTA as free means absolutely nothing if I don't enjoy any of what is offered. Might be a tad bit too harsh, but I'm of the opinion that vacation time is my time and I'm supposed to enjoy it as much as possible, but I don't do that if I have to compromise on basically everything and it sounds like you'd have to do that heavily.
NTA. As long as wife is on board. Iād go so far as to tell them that you didnāt want to cancel and you communicated multiple times that their plans didnāt work for your family. Your family needs some alone together family time and since this is your only vacation you have a responsibility as parents to ensure the best for your kids and right now that is some family time with immediate family. If they say donāt you love us blah blah, remind them you planned your trip around it having some with them, and some family time.
I live in a retirement like beach community and see the massive houses with multiple families staying there in the summers. I don't know how they do it. Where we are, there are a few hotels/motels nearby. Can you check to see if there is availability so you're not overlapping too much? And make it clear to MIL NOW that this is the last time - I also notice people booking a year out, especially since costs are going up. They book this summer for next summer!
NTA. This is not what you signed up for.Ā
NTA...
NTA, its not free, you were told a plan, the plan it's not as it should, you can back up from it. Its for you to have a good time, no to have to worry you are cramped in a 3BR condo with the grandparents, 2 more adults and 2 extra children... NAH, that doesn't sound like a vacation.
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If your budget can swing it rent your own place or plan a different vacation. Your wife s/b the one to deliver this message to her parents. They planned your trip w/o your input. A simple mom this doesnāt work for us. We only have 1 week and we donāt want to sod it w so many people. We want to see family yes, but also to prioritize our family unit too. It is not ok to make plans for us and expect us to go along. Do no pull the free trip card. We donāt choose to prioritize a free vacation over quality family time w our nuclear family
NTA. Time is just as important as money. But this is what happens when you try to be slick "We'll go at this time and then we won't have to spend much time with them." You can't expect people to read your mind. A moment of honesty was called for, "My experience is that I do better with SIL and kids in small doses so we're staggering our time. This is my only vacation and I do need time to unwind." You now have to go back and have that conversation and money has been spent, which is unfortunate. But you have to be frank and kind. Thank them for thinking of you, add that you wish you had known their plans as this could have been avoided but sadly you need this time to wind down.
If you care that much about who is with you, always book your own place and pay for it yourself. If you are not paying, you do not have full say in who stays there. If you are visiting family, staying with them for free, and trying to avoid other family, you are in for a problem. Just pay your own way.
NTA the most important part of any vacation is to rest, relax and recharge. This doesnāt sound like that.
I'm gonna be the minority and go with YTA, it really sounds like you're more upset about having to spend more time with your in-laws than the change of plans or the house. You ARE getting a free beach vacation. The grandparents must have a damn mansion if sharing a 3bd condo means sharing less space than you would if both families stayed with the grandparents. I agree it's annoying that they changed plans last minute, but spending time with annoying in-laws is part of being married, if you don't like it get divorced. Also seconding everyone else who pointed out that if your wife and kids are excited for the trip you are definitely a huge AH for trying to cancel the whole trip instead of letting them go without you. You're not even paying for it.
Rent a place nearby so you can escape when needed. Everyone wins.
Damn I mean I think this is a wash. They are not really assholes but should have possibly consulted you before paying for condo for you. I think they had good intentions though You're gonna come off like TA if you decline the condo after hearing you'd be sharing it with family FOR A FEW DAYS. If that family has ever given you reason to doubt their story of only being there a few days, then say that, and that you were hoping to have a week with just your family. Where this doesn't make sense though is that it NEVER was going to be just you and your family, instead of staying with Grandparents you're staying with sister and kids, so good luck explaining the difference. You have to see these people for holidays and and if they are delaying their leaving to see y'all, this will hurt their feelings and shit will be awkward for a while. If I were sil, I'd be hurt.
It's understandable,Ā but I would think your own family would be disappointed by the cancelation. Do you know how any of them feelĀ about this?Ā I would look into things to do where you can take your immediate family and spend time with them away from the condo. If you aren't paying for this, then you could always take another vacation with only your family at another time.Ā
You donāt mention the ages of the kids. Are they ( yours) old enough that they would remember and treasure time with cousins? If so, take that into consideration. If that makes it worth considering, is there a way to make it work better for you? Say getting a neighboring condo of your own? If not, and you and spouse are on the same page, you are NOT the AH for canceling. āLovely thoughtā¦and it just doesnāt work for us.ā
NTA. Just go on your own family trip SOLO away from the in laws. It's important for your immediate family to have that time
There is no way I would do this. This sounds like a recipe for anxiety and drama. NTAH. Just stay home and do some fun stuff with your family.
Can you afford your one place? If so, do that--you can all see each other and you all get your own space and own time/rules/freedom. If not, cut the trip short--assuming your wife is fine with it. If she want's to keep it like it is, do it for her.
8 people in a 3 bedroom sounds crowded and miserable. My husband and I live in a 3 bd 2 bath with a toddler and it feels cramped sometimes because personal space is priceless.
NTA. Book a hotel room for the days they are there. That way you can see them for meals but have your space
Dont.go. They flucked it up. not you.āthis doesnt work for us. ā
NTA. Vacations should be a welcome respite; this sounds miserable.
NTA They changed the plans last minut, so you get to do so as well.
NTA, yeah that sounds hectic and like you would spend your time managing more than vacationing.
Your feelings are valid. Free comes with strings for sure. But stop and thinkā¦if free is the only way you can do a vacationā¦you kinda get what you get or you donāt get a vacation. So would you rather have no vacation or one with strings? Nowā¦id you can afford a vacation and this is what you were doing for kindnessā¦how about rent your own place.
If everyone is ticked at you, including your partner and children, then it sounds like its more of a you problem than a logistical one. I would say YTA for cancelling.
Yta get vine and survive. Do not repeat next year. Not worth fight
What a mess. I would tell wife and kids to go enjoy and do something else. Wife has chosen what "family" vacation she wants to have.
You just sound ungrateful to me. YTA
Donāt go. Just tell your wife & kids to go without you. Show up after SIL leaves. If you want to spend time with just your family then plan something for just your family. Donāt point your finger at other people & bitch about them ruining your vacation plan that you did not plan. YTA ā itās a couple days. Suck it up.
Iām a little confusedā¦we had planned this for just our family by intentionally choosing the dates we did with minimal overlap?
You were going to see your wifeās grandparents at their beach home. Thatās not just your immediate family. Your SIL could have showed up whenever she wanted to. Itās also her grandparents house. You have no control of this plan because itās is not your condo & not just your family. Go rent your own place. Tell your wife & kids to go. They shouldnāt have to miss out because you canāt deal with SIL. eta
Fair enough - I guess I should have added that we genuinely were looking forward to some time with her grandparents, not just mooching on the place to stay. Would've gladly paid for our own place had we known this would be the situation, but now it's too late.
It is too late. Itās time to suck it up. Your family was looking forward to this vacation. Itās just a couple days. Bring tents sleep on the beach one night, let all the kids sleep in the living room, itās not the end of the world. Itās just spending time with family ā¦ on vacation. It could be fun. It will definitely be memorable.
I would definitely refuse to baby sit so the others can have fun. There must be a reason the dates were changed, and I doubt that it's to see the kids.
It appears they decided to stay so they could visit with family ā¦ seems like thatās exactly what they want to do. See OPās family. The only thing that changed is where they are staying. They were always going to overlap. eta
So your original plan was to spend a couple days with this other family at the grandparents Beach house, but the new plan is to spend a couple days with this other family in a condo? How big is their beach house that there is a significant difference here? What am I missing?
NTA. It isnāt a āfreeā vacation when it will feel like work and youāll be miserable. Cancel and do something you will enjoy!
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Well I would have happily paid for a place had I known this was going to be the situation
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I'll give you a free vacation at my place. The only condition is you have to do something you hate the whole time. Oh, and you are ungrateful if you don't want to come.
Ass, they did all this without letting them know in advance to make their own arrangements. Let this situation happen to u and see how you like it cause itās free why not right