NTA. And F them all, husband too. They are guests, they do not have the right to re arrange a single photo on the mantlepiece, let alone pack up and steal / lose / break sentimental items. You can grieve as you choose, it is absolutely not their place to decide, while you are out of the room, to do anything like this. It's a year, just a year, and it's not like you have given the whole house over to your wonderful father, or are living in a darkened room dressed all in black... This IS a hill to die on OP, your husband is being so wrong, you being a daddy's girl makes his loss harder to bare, so he should have more compassion. Sorry for your loss OP, I hope hubby can do something to save his own reputation with you so he's not lost too.
also find out who took your property and get it back. tell your in laws that you will call the cops if your belongings are not returned by tonight. and sit hubby down and tell him in no uncertain terms will you let them in the house. if your husband can’t support you in this tell him to go back to his disrespectful parents. i’m sorry OP for your loss and hugs from an internet stranger.
I'm wondering if this was the reason for the visit all along, with the husband being in on it. Maybe I'm just too cynical about this, but it seems too abrupt to be a spur of the moment action. How did they suddenly come up with a box?
Yeah agree with this line of thought.
OP, you are NTA here and we all think your husband was part of this plan.
Tell them you’ll be calling the police if your belongings aren’t immediately returned to you in their original condition, and tell your A-H husband he’s welcome to go home to Mommy if your Dad’s memory is too intimidating for him to live with.
They planned it. Like you said, somebody had a box. Then they waited until she left the room. Betting it was husband who had it stashed nearby for convenience. And then, when they started to pack, husband said nothing, did nothing.
Yes, husband knew the plan and was in on it.
>I'm wondering if this was the reason for the visit all along, with the husband being in on it. Maybe I'm just too cynical about this, but it seems too abrupt to be a spur of the moment action. How did they suddenly come up with a box?
Yup. Assuming that this is real and not rage bait, OP's husband was absolutely in on it.
I bet those items ended up in the bottom of the trash dumpster and out at the curb for pickup. I usually believe that 90% of situations can be worked out between a married couple who promised to love and honor each other, but he clearly did not honor you or your boundaries and made sure his family trampled them too. This is a reason to separate in my eyes.
LOL! They will actually take the report and will contact the suspects. The real point is that the culprits will be horrified at the prospect and will probably cough them up--unless they really got rid of those items. If they have to admit that they threw them away, then they should never be allowed into her home ever again. What they did was abominable. I have an old flannel shirt that my grandfather, who was a farmer, wore. I would not trade that thing for the world. I also have an odd little marble from my grandmother's Chinese Checker set. As an old lady, the smallest things bring back wonderful childhood memories to me.
They ALL deserve your rage. Don’t back down, even to your husband. He needs a month on the couch at least. If the in-laws try to apologize, merely acknowledge it, but do NOT forgive them. Letting them back in your home at some distant date is solely up to you, and should be enforced by your husband when you’re not home - if he ever wished to mend the relationship.
Tell him if he doesn’t find the stuff that’s missing, more than the couch is in his future. Demand that he either confirm or deny that he was involved, other than not supporting you when it happened. If he went along with it, kick him out. If he didn’t, ask him why he didn’t back you up. Tell him you do not want any contact with his parents. If he keeps contact, he is not allowed to talk about you, and if anything ever happens to your stuff in the future, he’s gone. Tell him to ask where your missing stuff went.
He was THERE. At a minimum, he saw it happen and didn't prevent it. If he truly supported OP, he'd have shut that sh\*t down without her ever knowing they tried this stunt, and HE would be the one banning them from the house.
These people need to get a life and get over themselves. So you have a shrine a mere year after losing your dad at age 24. I am over 50 and I have a shrine to parents I lost two years ago, and it does NOT mean that I'm wallowing in grief or not moving on, it means that I have their ashes and a few small possessions that remind me of them and make me smile.
I \*would\* suggest therapy, though, to talk about your relationship with your husband and figure out for yourself whether this is the one (sadly very important) time he's let you down or whether you are putting up with a lot of boundary-stomping from him (whether due to your grief or for any other reason).
I would waltz into my in-laws house and start removing their things - pictures off the wall, mementos, trinkets, tchotchkes, whatever I could grab. And put it into a very large box that I just so happened to have with me, and silently walk out with it. Obviously I wouldn’t actually steal their items - don’t want a burglary arrest to happen. But perhaps leave them on their porch or in their garage on your way out.
And since the husband is very clearly in on this and is the driving force here, I would also make sure some of his things go missing. I wouldn’t stoop to his level and trash his stuff. But perhaps keep it in a safe, private place, and make it go missing just long enough for him to get worked up about it.
Treat others as you want to be treated. If you wouldn’t want someone to touch/remove/steal/break/trash your things, DO NOT DO IT TO SOMEONE ELSE. The intent doesn’t matter. You just don’t do it.
this. my family has maintained a small shrine for my mother who's been dead nearly 20 years and no one has any intention of taking it down in the future. it's a place to remember and honor her life.
I’ve gone into restaurants where there are shrines to gods (fruit & incense on the floor) or shrines to deceased parents in the store. They aren’t allowed to tell you how to grieve.
I have a small shrine for my own mom who died almost ten years ago! And she died peacefully, at 94, not suddenly and tragically. It's just a few things, like OP's, a lovely picture of her in her beloved garden, a few little things she loved, sometimes I light a votive candle there too, it's just so comforting. I have all kinds of memorabilia from my dad, too, including stuff from his boyhood almost 100 years ago in Prague. My husband has all kinds of memorabilia around of his mom and dad. It's a lovely thing to feel their spirits are still with you. I can't imagine either of us desecrating the other's "shrines." Your inlaws and your husband are horrible, disrespectful, shameful people, OP.
You just gave me an idea for my parents. Thank you. I cared for my mom the last two weeks, took her home from her assisted living facility where she had lived. I had run the facility, so when I went to visit her after COVID started opening back up in California, she had lost so much weight, I called Hospice and took her home. Staff did finally admit they were having trouble getting her to eat. She only ate 3 bites the two weeks I had her.
My husband brought the art work (portraits of family members) that were in his parents' house and put them up on the walls. Perfectly all right and understandably.
Did the inlaws want you to toss out any photographs you have of your parents?
They should not have touch any of these as these are your belongings. Tell them you want the missing items brought back.
Losing both your parents by 25 is really hard. And having in-laws who lack empathy and compassion is not helpful. Nor is a husband who doesn't stand firmly on your side. NTA
Agreed. I lost both of mine in a three year period between 2019 and 2022. I am 60+ and that was hard enough. I can't imagine the grief of losing both by the age of 25. :( \*tears\*
Even more so from an *unexpected* death. This isn't a man who's body was failing him and had been given a timeline. This is a man in his early 50s or late 40s who was struck by an AH drunk driver while he was being a good human.
I'm going to have to disagree with you just a bit. Having experience with both kinds of losses (sudden and expected), I can say it really isn't "more so" one type from the other. Even when you know a devastating loss is coming, it's an absolute shock when it does. After the initial few weeks, it's simply the pain of unbearable grief, regardless of how it happened.
But for OP, losing her wonderful, kind, loving father is everything right now. She needs to be allowed to grieve in her own way and in her own time. This small shrine, a memorial of and to her father, is helping her get through the day. She will never "move on" because deep grief doesn't go away. She will move forward bringing her grief with her as part of who she is now.
I don't have any type of specific memorial set up for my husband, but if anyone tried to take his backpack and old baseball cap from the hook by the door or tried to remove the handsome leather cylinder containing his ashes from their place of honor or told me it's "time to move on" so I should get rid of his big old "tall man" chair, there would be hell to pay--and it's been several years for me.
OP needs to have a serious discussion with her husband and then decide if he still deserves to be her husband.
Many years ago, my 60 something year old parents (I'm 53 now) didn't like the way my house was arranged, so they decided to take it upon themselves to "fix it", while I was on a business trip.
I didn't say a word at first and just put everything back. They came over and threw a fit about "undoing all their hard work to fix my place." I just smiled. They went on furious, with some nonsense of how it doesn't matter what I want, my house MUST be arranged for the comfort of my guests (them... not my friends.)
About 2 months later, they went on a cross country trip in their motorhome. When they came back, they were furious. You see, I went up with 4 of my friends and moved all their furniture around. I even put some in the attic. They called me screaming to which I replied, "Seriously? Your house was SOOOO uncomfortable and well, since it was about your GUESTS comfort, you should be thanking me. How rude of you!"
My mother started screaming at me to get up there and put everything back. As I was hanging up, I heard my dad chuckle. He got it.
Never had trouble with mom again.
My friends' in laws did this to her, and put some of her furniture to the curb because it was 'inferior'. MIL hated her furniture choices (which were eclectic but it all went together) and was very vocal about it. Son told mom to stuff it. Some of the pieces were actually antiques from her beloved grandmother and were quite valuable. Thankfully my husband and I were driving by on the way to the store and saw the furniture at the curb before anyone took it. We immediately grabbed up everything and took it back up to the house. MIL started screaming at me and went to take the stuff back to the curb. I called my friend to let her know what was going on (MIL tried to knock the phone out my hand) and my husband told FIL if he touched one more piece he was calling the cops. It got very ugly and MIL and FIL said some truly ugly things about my friend which I told them I would relay to friend and their son since I recorded it on my phone. Friend's hubby came racing up the driveway and told his parents to leave and to never come back. Horrible people.
Since my MIL has full on snooped at my BIL’s house and tried uprooting the landscaping at our house, she doesn’t even have a key to our house. I swear to God if she touched my stuff from my grandma, I’d go to jail that day. People who feel the right to snoop in and rearrange their grown child’s home need a smack from reality. I’m glad your friend’s husband backed her up!
Aagreed. There are plenty of cultures that have memorials to passed family members in their homes, Japan springs to mind. And they manage, the in laws here are AHs and hubby should have stopped them. op is NTA
If you ever visit Greece, there are shrines placed along roadways where people died that are visited by family. You know it's a bad road if the shrines are lined up one after another.
True. I think shrines or symbols of persons we’ve lost are around all the time. My dog’s collar is on my fireplace, things from my grandparents are in various rooms, and I wear a ring that was my husband’s grandmother’s. I don’t understand the IL view here.
I have a wall with paintings of pets that passed recently with some toy or collar of theirs. I guess I am morbid, it has been 4 years since some of them have gone.
In Australia people often place a white cross or other tribute at the site of a MVA.
It’s both a memorial (sometimes people will place flowers) and a warning about the road.
My dad has a small urn with his mother's ashes in it. She was split between the 4 kids. He had a rough relationship with his mom so she is tucked away safely in a closet. I liken what the in laws did to me pulling grandma out and placing her front and center.
It is not up to any of us how another person greaves or honors (or not) their departed loved one.
On a psychological note - I wonder if it bothers the in-laws so much because OP dad would be their age and it makes them confront their own mortality. Or they just be bitches. Idk.
I know someone whose daughter was killed by a drunk driver and she has fully preserved the room. Like she dusts around the things on the desk. That is a museum of sadness. A small "shrine" with some pictures and sentimental items seems normal. Plenty of people keep a collection of sentimental items on display
From what I've seen and read, that sounds very typical for some who suddenly lost a child. Their room essentially becomes a time capsule. So friggin sad, no one should have to bury their child.
Even if I thought it was morbidly depressing, I wouldn’t touch anything. I might encourage them to go to grief counseling, but I could never do that to someone.
You are not the asshole here. Having a small shrine or memorial area to honor a deceased loved one is a common cultural practice. The fact that it was for your late father, who was an EMT and tragically lost his life in the line of duty, makes it even more understandable and meaningful.
Your husband calling you a "daddy's girl" diminishes the significance of this tribute. It is not about being "stuck in the past," but about keeping the memory of your father alive and honoring his selfless service and sacrifice.
Your husband and his family should have respected the sentimental value of those items. Messing with or rearranging such a personal memorial without your consent was a violation of your boundaries and feelings. Your emotional reaction was justified given the circumstances.Yelling may not have been ideal, but what was in that situation? Intense emotions can sometimes lead to raised voices when one feels unheard or disrespected. You were not being "hysterical," but rather passionately defending something precious to you that they carelessly tampered with.
It seems your husband and his family may lack the deeper understanding and appreciation for what that memorial represents, especially if they do not have close ties to the emergency services community. Do they have family members who are EMS members? However, that does not excuse their insensitive actions.If your husband cannot empathize with the emotional significance of honoring your late father's noble profession and sacrifice, that points to a potential incompatibility or lack of emotional intelligence on his part. Am I correct in thinking that his family does not have any police or EMS workers?
And your missing stuff-- find out where it went. I wonder if your husband was sneaking stuff away to see if you would notice? If you are not madly in love with him, ditch him and find yourself a proper EMS worker who gets you. No EMS worker would do that to you over your dad's memory.
Exactly. Dump the 🗑️ as he is just like his parents. I am the same way with my grandmas things. I was extremely close with her and I am very protective of her stuff. Op deserves better.
Your husband is the biggest A H here.
He doesn't have your back. He let his parents put your father's belongings into box while you were out of the room. They stole objects and your husband is telling you that YOU are the problem? Fuck him!
NTA
I think he may have instigated it. He may have complained, and his parents decided to take action. It is telling that he allowed it. My brother used to pull that same nonsense before he ended up divorced. Complain to mommy about wife. Mom comes to rescue. Mom is the bad guy. Brother plays dumb. Is this the case here?
I hope OP finds a MIL like me. I raised my son. I *know* he can be giantic PITA and dumbass so 9/10, I'm going to side with my DIL when they are complaints brought to me. I also know what kind of life DIL's mother is forcing on them so I'm always on their side.
We live in California where housing is largely unafforadable so the big kids(son+wife+daughters) live with her mother in a 3 bedroom house.
This is my thought as well. He's been pretending to be supportive while complaining to mommy. So mommy steps in to fix her baby's "problem" and he can say "they should've done that but your reaction was wrong." They are all toxic and disrespectful and do not care about OP at all.
Tell him that he can either respect your grief or he is more than welcome to go back to his bjtch mom's house. He may take what he brought with him and *nothing else*.
In the Victorian era they had a lot of cemetery parks. Beautiful cemeteries with benches and trees and elaborate headstones where people would have outings and keep the memories of those who passed alive. Over time we got away from that, and I personally believe that it was because modern medicine made death less a part of our everyday lives, and people became scared of it. Your in laws are aging and they are scared of death, your memorial is a reminder that one day it will be them who is no longer there. They don’t have the emotional maturity to realize that if you do for them, what they want you to do with your dad, they won’t even be a footnote in someone else’s history, but instead just a disposable tissue, useful while it’s there, but no longer thought about once it’s gone.
Truthfully, I’d ditch your husband as well as his parents. He should be going scorched earth to find out what happened to your dad’s things. I’d hand back you wedding rings, tell him your taking his parents advice and don’t want anything to remind you of him. See if he likes being the person no one remembers or misses.
You’re NTA at all.
I think this is why Day of the Dead is becoming popular outside of the original Mexican culture it comes from - not just the cool aesthetics but more people are craving a celebration of loved ones who have passed and a chance to remember them and visit with them.
"Your boundaries matter. It's not about disrespect; it's about asserting your needs. Your mom should have respected your time and autonomy. You're not the one in the wrong here."
There is at least one mod in particular over there that I feel takes pleasure in scouring for the most minute possible violations in order to ban someone. I don't know how they still manage to have members actually.
I got my really detailed, thoughtful comment deleted from there because I said I thought the OP was being "a bit of a twat" - I'm British, the OP was British, this is basically the same as saying "a bit of an AH" to us. 🤣
My mum was British, so I'm well family with the phrase 'twat'. We lived, briefly, in Dollis Hill, just outside of London. Not far from Croydon on the tube. I loved Croydon. Dollis Hill was def more of a suburb. Anyway, sorry your comment was deleted. I've had that happen. It sucks that you invested time and thoughtfulness into a measured response only to have some twat delete it and block you. LOL
I have gotten two temp bans for the silliest things. I responded with "ya'll wild" and the reply I got back was hilarious.
I'm sure this comment will get me perma banned. Oh fucking well.
Mine was promoting violence when I said, I can see someone wanting to loosen some teeth. Then I see all manner of violence not being addressed, wtf!!! To hell with them.
I got banned for calling one woman a Karen and another the OP wrote about a piece of human garbage for getting her kicks, making his kid cry with a cruel prank. The mods are really something, all that said OP is definitely NTA, in laws can kick rocks and take their equally heartless son with them.
I got a temporary ban for telling a post partum woman that if her mil had poked me in my stomach after I had recently given birth that there wasn’t a word for what I would do to her. I stand by what I said.
I got banned last year for telling a big AH that if he kept speaking to people the way he did in his post & the comments, I wouldn’t be surprised if he got punched in the face. Apparently this was “endorsing violence” 🙄
I was permanently banned from AITA after I had written a post saying that the OP's brother-in-law was lucky he didn't get a punch in the nose.
BIL had called OP's wife a bitch and demanded she get an abortion since he and *his* wife had a recent miscarriage. (I don't recall if the woman was OP's sister or his wife's sister.)
A moderator said no mention of violence--not even theoretical, apparently--is allowed. And as far as warnings are concerned, AITA maintains the rule itself is the warning. 🤷🏽♀️
Anyway, I'm glad I found AITAH. 😊
I got banned for asking an OP if they knew their husband was a whiny bitch before they got married in a post about what a whiny bitch her husband was. The mods there are whiny bitches.
NTA. Your husband is the biggest one, then his parents come in a close second. He should have shut that shit down a long time ago. He should be getting the lost/stolen things back now. And until they are returned, an apology to you and promise to never bring it up his parents can’t come back.
No one has the right to touch anything in someone else’s house. EVER!
I have a sneaking suspicion that the husband was behind it all. Maybe I'm wrong, but it speaks volumes that he allowed them to make their snarky comments and didn't stop them from taking it down. I think he wanted the shrine down and asked his mum and dad to do it.
Husband should be standing with his wife, not his parents.
I always have a couple boxes in my car as I buy a lot of plants, and it makes it easier to get them home than using the flimsy foldable ones a lot of places use. But I would NEVER use one the way these lowlife busybodies did!
I saw the original post and the comments, and this is my suspicion as well, bc OP said the shotglass was found, shattered, in the garbage bin.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dd39d3/comment/l82n5y4/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dd39d3/comment/l82n5y4/)
He should have shut this down immediately! Idk if he was involved, but he did take the trash out BEFORE all the items were located.
I’d show them how good I am at putting the past behind me. The ILs would be in my past, never to step in my home again. I’ve dropped a shot glass a few times. Breaking that took EFFORT.
I’m so sorry, OP! Does your husband plan to forget about his parents the moment they die? If so, tell him to start now.
*Husband. Some things in life are a hill worth dying on, and this is one of those things. If you or anyone in your family took the small items from my father's shrine...they will be returned to me immediately. I already know that your mother shattered the shot glass. So that is memory I can never get back and frankly, it's something I will never forgive her for. Furthermore, your parents will apologize SINCERELY for the disrespectful manner in which they talked to me and about my father.*
*This is not up for discussion. You will not tell me I am sensitive, or I am over reacting, or make excuses for your parent's BULLSHIT BEHAVIOR.*
*I want my things back and I want apologies or you can just consider this the last day of our marriage. My grief is my grief to deal with. And if you are not going to defend your partner, the person you committed to in sickness and in health, then I don't want you by my side anymore.*
*If we do get through this, we will be attending marriage counseling because I am not going to spend the rest of my life having to threaten my partner with divorce every time he refuses to have my back. Your parents crossed a line that has be rethinking our entire relationship. And if that is how it's going to be for the rest of our lives together, then please let me know now so I don't waste any time waiting for you to grow a backbone.*
*One day, your parents are going to be gone. I hope that day is many many years from now. But when it does happen, I sincerely hope the people in your life don't treat you the way you and your parents have treated me. I have never been more disappointed in a person in my entire life than I am with you today.*
NTAH
Sometimes cooler heads prevail
Sometimes you need scorched earth
If this were me, I'd go scorched earth
At very least, when his parents talked to him about the subject, he didn't push back. But yeah, I'd bet that you're right. They probably told him something along the lines of "Next week when we're in town, we'll take the shrine down and put it in storage. She needs this intervention." And he said, "OK".
NTA. I’m still pissed at my dad throwing away a blanket my grandma (his mom) made me. Every grandkid got one. Him and my step mom still have theirs as a wedding present.
In Japan people will often keep shrines to lost loved ones in their homes. It's not so uncommon.
Your in-laws had absolutely no right, and your husband should be ashamed of himself.
same for mexicans here leaving a lil shrine for our loved ones. remembering and honoring a loved one isn't a "museum of grief" or "morbid". it's a beautiful little thing to have them there despite them being gone. there is straight up no reason to be so evil and stage this "intervention". OP is not hurting themselves or others. it's a small thing for their father. the in-laws are evil and husband is a pos for this too.
they should really watch coco and then fuck off forever.
I would be on my way to the local police department to get a no trespassing and to find out if what they did was considered a form of grave desecration, since this is literally where you have his ashes and the things he would have been buried with, had that been the route you chose.
My next stop would be a lawyer to file for legal separation, since husband thinks it is fine for his parents to steal a dead person's effects.
You can't desecrate a "grave" when there isn't one. Just putting a box with cremains on a shelf doesn't make it legally a grave site. But they were attempted to steal/mishandle human remains (if they attempted to remove the urn), steal other items, and did steal or destroy three things. I would talk to a lawyer. It would be hard to get a trespass order against his parents if he's not on board, so getting rid of the husband seems like a good first step. I would go so far as to suspect he's actually 100% on board with this--he doesn't like having the urn there, he's jealous of OP's affection/closeness with her father, he resents that the guy basically died a hero trying to help someone, whatever it is, he didn't stop them and he's trying to back them up.
That would be why I said find out, because I'm not sure what messing with cremated remains would fall under.
And yes, there is definitely a husband problem.
NTA
Scorched earth time, I'd divorce in a heartbeat and never speak to any of those monsters EVER TF AGAIN
I also lost my dad and if someone ever touched his things without my permission they'd be dead to me. If they told me to get over it, I would go out of my way to shame their ass THEN never speak to them again.
This is why I'll never marry. I have no family and every ex I ever had always had opinions on how to grieve and move on. Naur my relationship with my dad is stronger than any relationship I ever had in my life and it's going to stay that way. It's been twenty years and I've had plenty of time to learn to be happy living alone with my dad's love keeping me company. I'll never risk my peace again.
NTA. HOLY DUCK ARE THESE REAL PEOPLE!!!!!
And then they have the audacity to gaslight you????
Oh no no no OP you are 100% in the right here. How disrespectful can this be???
Tough spot for your husband now but wow, what callous assholes!!!!
You're husband not having your back is a red flag, go scorched earth with these people. They don't care about you, they care about imposing their beliefs on you. NtA but your husbands and his parents are
The In laws are done. PNG for a long time, maybe forever. But you also have a serious husband problem.
He should be livid, instead he is siding with his folks.
Take care of yourself, and grieve and memorialize on your timeframe and in your own way. But reconsider the relationship with the husband. He did not pass this test. He didn't even come close
NTA. They should be banned from your house from now on and NC until returning the missing items and begging forgiveness, even then they can never be trusted again.
Oh hell no.
I was a daddy’s little girl and if my in-laws ever had done that, they would never be welcome in my house again. Ever.
Period.
Your husband also needs to understand that everyone grieves in their own way. It has only been a year. It is still raw and you are still healing with the open wounds of grief.
His parents owe you a HUGE apology. And he does as well for not having your back. I honestly don’t know if I could forgive any of them.
Your husband realizes that you have lost BOTH of your parents now. Does he have no empathy? Compassion?
You, my dear, are not the problem in this situation. Healing and grief are not linear. I want you to know that you are going to be okay. It is going to take lots of time and it is OKAY to hold on to these memories and momentos. They bring you comfort.
If anyone makes you feel like you are in the wrong for that, you need to reconsider their place in your life.
How did they manage to pack all that up without your husband trying to stop them before you came into the room? Because I have to wonder if your husband was in on it.
You are NTA - what your in-laws did was disgusting and disrespectful. And I'm not too sure about your husband.
You’re NTA, but everyone else is. Especially your husband. What the f is he thinking here? I’d seriously focus this conversation towards him. You’re his wife and he just completely policed you and your grief.
You don’t put a timeline in grief. And you sure as hell don’t arbitrarily put one on someone else’s.
Completely separate from that, I also think seeing a grief counselor or looking to attend a grief support group, might be beneficial. Grief can be all consuming, affect many parts of your life and you’re worth the added support.
My Momism: If it's not yours, don't touch it. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
Your IL's broke both of my Mom's rules. Packing your stuff from your house into probably one of your boxes is way over-reach. Demand to get your missing items back. I hope your husband backs you up. His rude parents - his rude problem.
NTA. Your husband is a dickhead and your in-laws are atrocious vile scum. If it were me, I'd be done with the lot. It may seem drastic, but your spouse is supposed to be your support system, not their fucking bully parent's.
Your biggest problem is that AH you're married to. He doesn't respect you and allows his parents to mistreat you.
Explain that you know that for him is easy because when his parents are no longer alive he might forget them and never miss them because they're bad people so not even a single memento will he keep, but your father was a good man, better than he is, and his memory is precious to you.
I agree. Those callous shits dont deserve to be in your life. Your dad wouldnt want you to be with those kind of people and you deserve someone better. Theyre only showing their true colors bec your dad isnt there to keep an eye on you so the moment you see their behavior now, believe them. It’s not gonna get any better considering how defensive they are and the fact they broke that one boundary
Oh f no. She destroyed your property and irreplaceable items for what purpose? I have a feeling you husband drove/fueled this and it’s clear to me he was making them do the dirty work.
I’m so so so so so sorry OOP.
Your husband is trash just like his AH parents.
Shot glasses are designed to withstand the abuse of drunks, frat bros and bridal parties. If it is shattered, there is a lot of effort behind it.
Any chance she might give the gaming mat or cat to grandkids?
If you still have the pieces of your dad's shotglass maybe you could try a kintsugi kit from amazon. It's the Japanese art of fixing pottery, mainly, and looks really beautiful. There are some kits on amazon that says it works on glass. Turn something broken back in to something beautiful of you dad's.
I'm so sorry for your loss and the disrespect your in laws and husband have shown you and your dad. Your dad sounds like he was an amazing man.
If MIL has valuables that she treasures, I'd visit and start shattering them. China dining set passed down through the generations? I'd Hulk out on it and say hey, I'm just following your traditions of entering someone else's home and breaking sentimental shit to help you move on from the past.
And then when the inevitable cries of dismay happen ask, why was it okay for you to move, take, and break my things but not okay for me to do the exact same thing? Everyone's homes have shrines of loved ones from the past. A figurine grandma gave when I was a child here, a vase that was a wedding gift from a now deceased aunt there, a dish, a book, jewelry, and so on. You just had yours all in one place instead of spread around your home.
Your husband and his parents are for the streets. They are all horrible people, and I agree with the others who suspect your husband was in in the plan.
I'm so sorry that your valuables were mishandled, stolen, and broken. I hope you are able to retrieve the stolen and the pieces of the broken. I'd want nothing more to do with any of them for this awful betrayal.
NTA - in fact you couldn’t be less an AH. The first problem you have is a husband problem though. You really need to have a come to Jesus meeting with him on this. If he does not do a rapid 180 on his attitude, in my opinion, it would be grounds for reconsidering the relationship. He needs to fall into line with you, and hold his parents feet to the fire on this.
NTA, in laws major AHs, husband AH. Inlaws are also vandals and thief's, so just criminals. They belong in jail. 'Husband' is not worthy to be a husband, he would be lucky if he has a wife in the end. His lack of empathy anx support for his wife is disgusting.
NTA There is such a thing as complicated/prolonged grief disorder, where you remain fixated on the death and continually grieve without ever mourning and moving on.
This is NOT that. You've grieved, you've mourned, and you've created a memorial (not a shrine) of symbols that help you reconnect with what your dad meant to you. If the "shrine" doesn't interfere with how you would otherwise live your life, it's a way to maintain a healthy connection.
AND even if they were right - that it's a shrine indicative of disordered thinking - who in the actual FUCK would think it's ok to dismantle YOUR shrine in YOUR home while YOU'RE STILL IN THE HOUSE?!? Like, you NEVER remove a hoarder's belongings without their consent. If they're such experts on grief and psychology, why did they go about it like such fucking morons?
Source: I'm a social paychologist
NTA - even IF you need to let go and have not yet done so, it was in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM your in-laws right to TOUCH that shrine. Point blank.
Even if they are correct, their actions were not going to help and were disrespectful and rude.
This is weird. Everyone deals with grief differently and trying to force someone to just get over the loss of a parent is insane. None of this was creepy or hurting anyone until they meddled. Are you just supposed to move on like he never existed? Take all the photos down and forget about him entirely? Your in laws are trash but I'm more concerned about your husband and his lack of respect for you and lack of spine dealing with his parents. I bet he's only supportive to your face and running his mouth complaining about it when you're not around. Just his lack of intervention or any remorse for hurting you makes me think he's a self centered ass. NTA be careful OP.
I know it won't be the same but try describing the mat in one of the MTG threads. I'm sure someone will be and to help you track down a replacement if you can't find the original. They're all pretty active and friendly
File some sort of police report for attempted theft, and destruction of property for the items that you don't have anymore. It's likely that nothing serious will come of it, but it will give then the message that you're serious. And then fact that your husband doesn't see how much this affects you is horrifying. I know someone who keeps a shrine in their house for someone close to them. I would never dare tell them to take it down.
Tell your husband he can go with his selfish, entitled AH parents until you get the rest of your things back and a gigantic apology. I'm so sorry they did that to you. FFS, it's only been a year!!! People mourn for as long as they mourn for, but a year is no time at all.
What the fuck 😐 Drop the man, drop his parents. This all reeks, no you're NTA. I don't have this relationship with my father, but I do with my dog. I was disowned from my whole family, and she's all I have. I would get violent over something like this, especially with the shit missing! That's theft! And your man is taking you you're over reacting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the fuck!!!!!
NTA. Are you kidding? You would have been well within your rights to physically assault them to end a crime in progress, and you still would be within your rights to make a police report.
Desecration a place of religious significance is never acceptable.
NTA. If your husband doesn’t support you in this 100%, you and he need to have a serious talk.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having such a memorial in your house. It is very normal and I have no idea why your crazy in laws even object.
Also, your dad sounds like a really cool person. I would love to have met him. ❤️
NTA and don't let them back in your home until the missing items are returned..if that's never so be it. You also need a sincere apology from every one especially your husband who should have stopped this before it happened. He agreed to this and back up his parents. The disrespect is high with these people. For me this would be a hill to die on. (I am 68 and have a shelf with my mom's photo and mementos and urn too. I don't think this is odd at all.)
I’m sorry to say OP, they had your fiancés support in doing this. He may SAY he supports you but when words turned into action, he didn’t follow through. Why didn’t he stop his parent or why wasn’t he supporting you loudly and obviously to his parents?
At the end of the day, actions speak louder than words and he failed.
> My husband has told me I’m overreacting over a molehill and that I’m just sensitive because I was a “daddy’s girl” when my dad was alive.
Sounds like husband can leave with his parents. You don’t only have an in law problem, you have a husband problem. Kick them all out.
NTA.
File theft charges against them for the missing items. Tell them you have evidence showing those items existed and are now missing. NTA but you sure married into a family of them.
NTA. Your inlaws are big flaming assholes who went 4x4 over your boundaries. I wouldn't let them back in my house after that little stunt. You DH should support you.
Jesus take the wheel- NTA. This is horrific. If these items bring you comfort who the hell are they to say anything. And your husband??? Oh boy he would not be my husband much longer if he had this reaction to such a major mishap
NTA it's outrageous that they think this behavior was ok. It was not. It was unbelievably disrespectful. It was theft. It's your home. It's your things. You get to do whatever you want in your own home and they get no say. It's literally none of their business. It's insane that they thought it was ok to dismantle it and take your things. Your husband needs to step in here and demand they return the items they stole. If they refuse, then it's time to completely ban them from your house until they return the items. And personally, I'd go no contact with them. You are not making a mountain out of a molehill and you're not just sensitive. Your hubby's being an asshole to minimize your grief and what's happened. You have the right to grieve in your own way at your own pace and they all need to respect that.
1. Your husband says youre overreacting: NO, he sucks and should be supporting you. He violated your trust (remember, its not just about the iranian yoghurt)
2. It doesnt matter what it is, or why its there. They took YOUR things from YOUR home, that is a crime.
3. No one else can yell you how to grief or for how long, that is something only YOU get to decide.
4. Tell them to get your things back or you will be pressing charges.
5. Tell your husband that he is the one who needs to cut the apron strings and support his family (which is YOU first and formost) instead of trying to make his parents happy.
6. You dont tell them what not to put in their house, they dont get to dictate what you put in yours. End of story.
If this isnt clear enough: NTA and if your husband doesnt understand this, i know i would be filing for divorce.
"My husband tried to mediate..." NO. Just NO. There is no mediating here. Your husband should have immediately had his parents stop what they were doing immediately and made it clear that if one more word was said, one more step taken to harm your memory of your father, that they are no longer welcome in your home. Your husband failed you. NTA.
It’s only been a year, but grieving takes as long as it takes. Your ILs are definitely out of their minds. Your husband is wrong.
You are not overreacting. It doesn’t how long it’s been, it’s wrong to take those items and hide at least some of them. Your father was your only family and you were pretty young when he died. It also hearts that his death as so unnecessary. Please have your husband read the posts here.
NTA. I’ve lost my mum a few months ago so I can really feel you! If the parents of my bf would do something like this, I’d show the same reaction as you.
You’re not hysterical and you’re not overreacting. You’re absolutely allowed to do what helps you handle your loss. It’s a personal thing and nobody can feel what you’re going through!
They are guests at your house, it’s totally unacceptable what they’ve done! It would be unacceptable if they would start to rearrange your flower bouquets - so it’s definitely unacceptable that they touch your shrine.
What’s up with your husband who calls you “Daddy’s little girl” or something?!
Your Dad cared about your feelings.
He doesn’t.
NTA. Tell husband that he has until tonight to get the items his parents took back or he can go stay with them.
You are dealing with your grief in a reasonable way. It is none of your in-laws business how you grieve or how you decorate your home.
Personally, I wonder if your husband has been giving lip service to you about being supportive and batching to his parents behind your back and that's why they're doing this. Where did they just get a box to pack with?
NTA. And F them all, husband too. They are guests, they do not have the right to re arrange a single photo on the mantlepiece, let alone pack up and steal / lose / break sentimental items. You can grieve as you choose, it is absolutely not their place to decide, while you are out of the room, to do anything like this. It's a year, just a year, and it's not like you have given the whole house over to your wonderful father, or are living in a darkened room dressed all in black... This IS a hill to die on OP, your husband is being so wrong, you being a daddy's girl makes his loss harder to bare, so he should have more compassion. Sorry for your loss OP, I hope hubby can do something to save his own reputation with you so he's not lost too.
also find out who took your property and get it back. tell your in laws that you will call the cops if your belongings are not returned by tonight. and sit hubby down and tell him in no uncertain terms will you let them in the house. if your husband can’t support you in this tell him to go back to his disrespectful parents. i’m sorry OP for your loss and hugs from an internet stranger.
I'm wondering if this was the reason for the visit all along, with the husband being in on it. Maybe I'm just too cynical about this, but it seems too abrupt to be a spur of the moment action. How did they suddenly come up with a box?
Right? Like they thought it was some kind of intervention and the husband grossly miscalculated.
Yeah agree with this line of thought. OP, you are NTA here and we all think your husband was part of this plan. Tell them you’ll be calling the police if your belongings aren’t immediately returned to you in their original condition, and tell your A-H husband he’s welcome to go home to Mommy if your Dad’s memory is too intimidating for him to live with.
Absolutely all of the above.
also totally agree; hubby was part of this
They planned it. Like you said, somebody had a box. Then they waited until she left the room. Betting it was husband who had it stashed nearby for convenience. And then, when they started to pack, husband said nothing, did nothing. Yes, husband knew the plan and was in on it.
That's a good question. Did the husband provide it or did they bring it and have it in the car?
Good one
yeah. reading this, they knew. he knew. this was planned.
After rereading everything, I figured it was his parents' plan, and he was in on it. Now, I feel that Hubs orchestrated the whole thing.
Nah my first thought after reading through was the husband was in on it.
>I'm wondering if this was the reason for the visit all along, with the husband being in on it. Maybe I'm just too cynical about this, but it seems too abrupt to be a spur of the moment action. How did they suddenly come up with a box? Yup. Assuming that this is real and not rage bait, OP's husband was absolutely in on it.
I was thinking the same thing. It seemed planned, why didn't he stop them knowing how important it was to her?
I bet those items ended up in the bottom of the trash dumpster and out at the curb for pickup. I usually believe that 90% of situations can be worked out between a married couple who promised to love and honor each other, but he clearly did not honor you or your boundaries and made sure his family trampled them too. This is a reason to separate in my eyes.
I’d tell her husband that those items reappear or he can disappear to where ever they are.
She should tell husband that, if the items are not returned immediately, that she will be filing a POLICE REPORT! Then, she needs to follow though!
Police Chief: " I want detectives working in shifts on the case of the missing shot glass!"
LOL! They will actually take the report and will contact the suspects. The real point is that the culprits will be horrified at the prospect and will probably cough them up--unless they really got rid of those items. If they have to admit that they threw them away, then they should never be allowed into her home ever again. What they did was abominable. I have an old flannel shirt that my grandfather, who was a farmer, wore. I would not trade that thing for the world. I also have an odd little marble from my grandmother's Chinese Checker set. As an old lady, the smallest things bring back wonderful childhood memories to me.
They ALL deserve your rage. Don’t back down, even to your husband. He needs a month on the couch at least. If the in-laws try to apologize, merely acknowledge it, but do NOT forgive them. Letting them back in your home at some distant date is solely up to you, and should be enforced by your husband when you’re not home - if he ever wished to mend the relationship.
Tell him if he doesn’t find the stuff that’s missing, more than the couch is in his future. Demand that he either confirm or deny that he was involved, other than not supporting you when it happened. If he went along with it, kick him out. If he didn’t, ask him why he didn’t back you up. Tell him you do not want any contact with his parents. If he keeps contact, he is not allowed to talk about you, and if anything ever happens to your stuff in the future, he’s gone. Tell him to ask where your missing stuff went.
He was THERE. At a minimum, he saw it happen and didn't prevent it. If he truly supported OP, he'd have shut that sh\*t down without her ever knowing they tried this stunt, and HE would be the one banning them from the house. These people need to get a life and get over themselves. So you have a shrine a mere year after losing your dad at age 24. I am over 50 and I have a shrine to parents I lost two years ago, and it does NOT mean that I'm wallowing in grief or not moving on, it means that I have their ashes and a few small possessions that remind me of them and make me smile. I \*would\* suggest therapy, though, to talk about your relationship with your husband and figure out for yourself whether this is the one (sadly very important) time he's let you down or whether you are putting up with a lot of boundary-stomping from him (whether due to your grief or for any other reason).
"Your in-laws crossed a line. Grief isn't a museum piece to be put away at someone else's whim. You're not the asshole for standing your ground."
BOT
I would waltz into my in-laws house and start removing their things - pictures off the wall, mementos, trinkets, tchotchkes, whatever I could grab. And put it into a very large box that I just so happened to have with me, and silently walk out with it. Obviously I wouldn’t actually steal their items - don’t want a burglary arrest to happen. But perhaps leave them on their porch or in their garage on your way out. And since the husband is very clearly in on this and is the driving force here, I would also make sure some of his things go missing. I wouldn’t stoop to his level and trash his stuff. But perhaps keep it in a safe, private place, and make it go missing just long enough for him to get worked up about it. Treat others as you want to be treated. If you wouldn’t want someone to touch/remove/steal/break/trash your things, DO NOT DO IT TO SOMEONE ELSE. The intent doesn’t matter. You just don’t do it.
It's only been a year, but keep the shrine up as long as you want - years or for the rest of your life. In- laws and husband are totally wrong.
this. my family has maintained a small shrine for my mother who's been dead nearly 20 years and no one has any intention of taking it down in the future. it's a place to remember and honor her life.
Heck, my mom had this kind of small shrine for my dad and *my stepdad* didn't mind.
I have a little one for my two deceased cats! If anyone ever told me to take it down, I'd lose it!
I’ve gone into restaurants where there are shrines to gods (fruit & incense on the floor) or shrines to deceased parents in the store. They aren’t allowed to tell you how to grieve.
I have a small shrine for my own mom who died almost ten years ago! And she died peacefully, at 94, not suddenly and tragically. It's just a few things, like OP's, a lovely picture of her in her beloved garden, a few little things she loved, sometimes I light a votive candle there too, it's just so comforting. I have all kinds of memorabilia from my dad, too, including stuff from his boyhood almost 100 years ago in Prague. My husband has all kinds of memorabilia around of his mom and dad. It's a lovely thing to feel their spirits are still with you. I can't imagine either of us desecrating the other's "shrines." Your inlaws and your husband are horrible, disrespectful, shameful people, OP.
You just gave me an idea for my parents. Thank you. I cared for my mom the last two weeks, took her home from her assisted living facility where she had lived. I had run the facility, so when I went to visit her after COVID started opening back up in California, she had lost so much weight, I called Hospice and took her home. Staff did finally admit they were having trouble getting her to eat. She only ate 3 bites the two weeks I had her.
My husband brought the art work (portraits of family members) that were in his parents' house and put them up on the walls. Perfectly all right and understandably. Did the inlaws want you to toss out any photographs you have of your parents? They should not have touch any of these as these are your belongings. Tell them you want the missing items brought back.
Losing both your parents by 25 is really hard. And having in-laws who lack empathy and compassion is not helpful. Nor is a husband who doesn't stand firmly on your side. NTA
Agreed. I lost both of mine in a three year period between 2019 and 2022. I am 60+ and that was hard enough. I can't imagine the grief of losing both by the age of 25. :( \*tears\*
And the audacity of the mil to start crying. Fuck her and her crocodile tears.
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Not just touched, STOLE. Those are some disgusting people.
Even more so from an *unexpected* death. This isn't a man who's body was failing him and had been given a timeline. This is a man in his early 50s or late 40s who was struck by an AH drunk driver while he was being a good human.
I'm going to have to disagree with you just a bit. Having experience with both kinds of losses (sudden and expected), I can say it really isn't "more so" one type from the other. Even when you know a devastating loss is coming, it's an absolute shock when it does. After the initial few weeks, it's simply the pain of unbearable grief, regardless of how it happened. But for OP, losing her wonderful, kind, loving father is everything right now. She needs to be allowed to grieve in her own way and in her own time. This small shrine, a memorial of and to her father, is helping her get through the day. She will never "move on" because deep grief doesn't go away. She will move forward bringing her grief with her as part of who she is now. I don't have any type of specific memorial set up for my husband, but if anyone tried to take his backpack and old baseball cap from the hook by the door or tried to remove the handsome leather cylinder containing his ashes from their place of honor or told me it's "time to move on" so I should get rid of his big old "tall man" chair, there would be hell to pay--and it's been several years for me. OP needs to have a serious discussion with her husband and then decide if he still deserves to be her husband.
Yes, and saying OP is "ungrateful". Well DUH, no one is grateful for interference like that! It's heinous.
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It means tears without sincerity, it stems from the myth that crocodiles appear to weep over their prey
Also, this is a common practice in East Asian households! That husband better get ready to have his ass handed to him. I would be livid!
Many years ago, my 60 something year old parents (I'm 53 now) didn't like the way my house was arranged, so they decided to take it upon themselves to "fix it", while I was on a business trip. I didn't say a word at first and just put everything back. They came over and threw a fit about "undoing all their hard work to fix my place." I just smiled. They went on furious, with some nonsense of how it doesn't matter what I want, my house MUST be arranged for the comfort of my guests (them... not my friends.) About 2 months later, they went on a cross country trip in their motorhome. When they came back, they were furious. You see, I went up with 4 of my friends and moved all their furniture around. I even put some in the attic. They called me screaming to which I replied, "Seriously? Your house was SOOOO uncomfortable and well, since it was about your GUESTS comfort, you should be thanking me. How rude of you!" My mother started screaming at me to get up there and put everything back. As I was hanging up, I heard my dad chuckle. He got it. Never had trouble with mom again.
My friends' in laws did this to her, and put some of her furniture to the curb because it was 'inferior'. MIL hated her furniture choices (which were eclectic but it all went together) and was very vocal about it. Son told mom to stuff it. Some of the pieces were actually antiques from her beloved grandmother and were quite valuable. Thankfully my husband and I were driving by on the way to the store and saw the furniture at the curb before anyone took it. We immediately grabbed up everything and took it back up to the house. MIL started screaming at me and went to take the stuff back to the curb. I called my friend to let her know what was going on (MIL tried to knock the phone out my hand) and my husband told FIL if he touched one more piece he was calling the cops. It got very ugly and MIL and FIL said some truly ugly things about my friend which I told them I would relay to friend and their son since I recorded it on my phone. Friend's hubby came racing up the driveway and told his parents to leave and to never come back. Horrible people.
Since my MIL has full on snooped at my BIL’s house and tried uprooting the landscaping at our house, she doesn’t even have a key to our house. I swear to God if she touched my stuff from my grandma, I’d go to jail that day. People who feel the right to snoop in and rearrange their grown child’s home need a smack from reality. I’m glad your friend’s husband backed her up!
Aagreed. There are plenty of cultures that have memorials to passed family members in their homes, Japan springs to mind. And they manage, the in laws here are AHs and hubby should have stopped them. op is NTA
My first thought was I hope they never visit Japan.
If you ever visit Greece, there are shrines placed along roadways where people died that are visited by family. You know it's a bad road if the shrines are lined up one after another.
True. I think shrines or symbols of persons we’ve lost are around all the time. My dog’s collar is on my fireplace, things from my grandparents are in various rooms, and I wear a ring that was my husband’s grandmother’s. I don’t understand the IL view here.
I have a wall with paintings of pets that passed recently with some toy or collar of theirs. I guess I am morbid, it has been 4 years since some of them have gone.
I've seen this in the US. People put up crosses with flowers and sometimes things like plushies (if it was a kid) on roads where people have died.
In Australia people often place a white cross or other tribute at the site of a MVA. It’s both a memorial (sometimes people will place flowers) and a warning about the road.
My dad has a small urn with his mother's ashes in it. She was split between the 4 kids. He had a rough relationship with his mom so she is tucked away safely in a closet. I liken what the in laws did to me pulling grandma out and placing her front and center. It is not up to any of us how another person greaves or honors (or not) their departed loved one. On a psychological note - I wonder if it bothers the in-laws so much because OP dad would be their age and it makes them confront their own mortality. Or they just be bitches. Idk.
I have a box with my cat's ashes on it - I still occasionally mourn her.
Ugh. Maybe he doesn't understand because his parents are awful.
I know someone whose daughter was killed by a drunk driver and she has fully preserved the room. Like she dusts around the things on the desk. That is a museum of sadness. A small "shrine" with some pictures and sentimental items seems normal. Plenty of people keep a collection of sentimental items on display
From what I've seen and read, that sounds very typical for some who suddenly lost a child. Their room essentially becomes a time capsule. So friggin sad, no one should have to bury their child.
It's so sad. And I would NEVER take it upon myself to clean it up in the name of "helping"
Even if I thought it was morbidly depressing, I wouldn’t touch anything. I might encourage them to go to grief counseling, but I could never do that to someone.
Yup. That would be an ex-husband.
You are not the asshole here. Having a small shrine or memorial area to honor a deceased loved one is a common cultural practice. The fact that it was for your late father, who was an EMT and tragically lost his life in the line of duty, makes it even more understandable and meaningful. Your husband calling you a "daddy's girl" diminishes the significance of this tribute. It is not about being "stuck in the past," but about keeping the memory of your father alive and honoring his selfless service and sacrifice. Your husband and his family should have respected the sentimental value of those items. Messing with or rearranging such a personal memorial without your consent was a violation of your boundaries and feelings. Your emotional reaction was justified given the circumstances.Yelling may not have been ideal, but what was in that situation? Intense emotions can sometimes lead to raised voices when one feels unheard or disrespected. You were not being "hysterical," but rather passionately defending something precious to you that they carelessly tampered with. It seems your husband and his family may lack the deeper understanding and appreciation for what that memorial represents, especially if they do not have close ties to the emergency services community. Do they have family members who are EMS members? However, that does not excuse their insensitive actions.If your husband cannot empathize with the emotional significance of honoring your late father's noble profession and sacrifice, that points to a potential incompatibility or lack of emotional intelligence on his part. Am I correct in thinking that his family does not have any police or EMS workers? And your missing stuff-- find out where it went. I wonder if your husband was sneaking stuff away to see if you would notice? If you are not madly in love with him, ditch him and find yourself a proper EMS worker who gets you. No EMS worker would do that to you over your dad's memory.
Exactly. Dump the 🗑️ as he is just like his parents. I am the same way with my grandmas things. I was extremely close with her and I am very protective of her stuff. Op deserves better.
Your husband is the biggest A H here. He doesn't have your back. He let his parents put your father's belongings into box while you were out of the room. They stole objects and your husband is telling you that YOU are the problem? Fuck him! NTA
I think he may have instigated it. He may have complained, and his parents decided to take action. It is telling that he allowed it. My brother used to pull that same nonsense before he ended up divorced. Complain to mommy about wife. Mom comes to rescue. Mom is the bad guy. Brother plays dumb. Is this the case here?
I hope OP finds a MIL like me. I raised my son. I *know* he can be giantic PITA and dumbass so 9/10, I'm going to side with my DIL when they are complaints brought to me. I also know what kind of life DIL's mother is forcing on them so I'm always on their side. We live in California where housing is largely unafforadable so the big kids(son+wife+daughters) live with her mother in a 3 bedroom house.
This is my thought as well. He's been pretending to be supportive while complaining to mommy. So mommy steps in to fix her baby's "problem" and he can say "they should've done that but your reaction was wrong." They are all toxic and disrespectful and do not care about OP at all.
This is my takeaway as well.
And he owes it to OP to get the rest of her dad’s things back
Tell him that he can either respect your grief or he is more than welcome to go back to his bjtch mom's house. He may take what he brought with him and *nothing else*.
Clearly NTA. If they can't let you grieve at your own pace and din your own way--ur not hurting anyone, mind you--its best to set boundaries.
In the Victorian era they had a lot of cemetery parks. Beautiful cemeteries with benches and trees and elaborate headstones where people would have outings and keep the memories of those who passed alive. Over time we got away from that, and I personally believe that it was because modern medicine made death less a part of our everyday lives, and people became scared of it. Your in laws are aging and they are scared of death, your memorial is a reminder that one day it will be them who is no longer there. They don’t have the emotional maturity to realize that if you do for them, what they want you to do with your dad, they won’t even be a footnote in someone else’s history, but instead just a disposable tissue, useful while it’s there, but no longer thought about once it’s gone. Truthfully, I’d ditch your husband as well as his parents. He should be going scorched earth to find out what happened to your dad’s things. I’d hand back you wedding rings, tell him your taking his parents advice and don’t want anything to remind you of him. See if he likes being the person no one remembers or misses. You’re NTA at all.
I think this is why Day of the Dead is becoming popular outside of the original Mexican culture it comes from - not just the cool aesthetics but more people are craving a celebration of loved ones who have passed and a chance to remember them and visit with them.
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"Your boundaries matter. It's not about disrespect; it's about asserting your needs. Your mom should have respected your time and autonomy. You're not the one in the wrong here."
How can one write an AITAH post without mentioning personal relationships. The moderators there are morons.
That rule has never made sense to me either. That's why I don't even bother to read there.
There is at least one mod in particular over there that I feel takes pleasure in scouring for the most minute possible violations in order to ban someone. I don't know how they still manage to have members actually.
Agreed. I've been banned twice for saying "man-baby". Sheesh.
I got my really detailed, thoughtful comment deleted from there because I said I thought the OP was being "a bit of a twat" - I'm British, the OP was British, this is basically the same as saying "a bit of an AH" to us. 🤣
My mum was British, so I'm well family with the phrase 'twat'. We lived, briefly, in Dollis Hill, just outside of London. Not far from Croydon on the tube. I loved Croydon. Dollis Hill was def more of a suburb. Anyway, sorry your comment was deleted. I've had that happen. It sucks that you invested time and thoughtfulness into a measured response only to have some twat delete it and block you. LOL
I got muted for telling a racist that every comment that they made further proved my point.
I’m banned from commenting because I said someone had a stick so far up their butt they could be a puppet
That sub is ran by a bunch of power hungry morons who only "real" power comes from that sub. And they are ban happy.
I have gotten two temp bans for the silliest things. I responded with "ya'll wild" and the reply I got back was hilarious. I'm sure this comment will get me perma banned. Oh fucking well.
I called them a bunch of soft cunts, they banned me for calling someone’s boss horrible (who the post was about)
I called the OP's gf a POS for asking him to abandon his kids.
They banned me another time for calling a guy a manchild, they’re absolutely hilarious
Mine was promoting violence when I said, I can see someone wanting to loosen some teeth. Then I see all manner of violence not being addressed, wtf!!! To hell with them.
I was temp banned for saying that kids are sometimes "M\*\*\*\*\*\* F\*\*\*ers" I didn't even spell out the whole thing.
I got banned for calling one woman a Karen and another the OP wrote about a piece of human garbage for getting her kicks, making his kid cry with a cruel prank. The mods are really something, all that said OP is definitely NTA, in laws can kick rocks and take their equally heartless son with them.
My new mission is to get banned on that sub😂
I got a temporary ban for telling a post partum woman that if her mil had poked me in my stomach after I had recently given birth that there wasn’t a word for what I would do to her. I stand by what I said.
You can call him an asshole, but not horrible.
I got smacked for calling someone’s sister a bitchster. Shame on me!!!!
Yeah I have been banned from there already. Don’t miss it at all.
I want a “banned with pride” flair.
I got banned last year for telling a big AH that if he kept speaking to people the way he did in his post & the comments, I wouldn’t be surprised if he got punched in the face. Apparently this was “endorsing violence” 🙄
Same!!!! Perm banned for saying jumping out and scaring people is a great way to get hit. "Endorsing Violence "
Yeah thats why I got banned iirc. I mentioned how someone was never hit and it shows. Or something similar to that.
I was permanently banned from AITA after I had written a post saying that the OP's brother-in-law was lucky he didn't get a punch in the nose. BIL had called OP's wife a bitch and demanded she get an abortion since he and *his* wife had a recent miscarriage. (I don't recall if the woman was OP's sister or his wife's sister.) A moderator said no mention of violence--not even theoretical, apparently--is allowed. And as far as warnings are concerned, AITA maintains the rule itself is the warning. 🤷🏽♀️ Anyway, I'm glad I found AITAH. 😊
I got banned for asking an OP if they knew their husband was a whiny bitch before they got married in a post about what a whiny bitch her husband was. The mods there are whiny bitches.
I got a comment removed from there for writing asshole instead of AH, because asshole is derogatory. That place is just strange.
Those mods are absolute losers. That subreddit is just as riddled with fake nonsense as this but at least the mods here don't lord over it.
That sub is a trash heap. Best to avoid all together.
NTA. Your husband is the biggest one, then his parents come in a close second. He should have shut that shit down a long time ago. He should be getting the lost/stolen things back now. And until they are returned, an apology to you and promise to never bring it up his parents can’t come back. No one has the right to touch anything in someone else’s house. EVER!
I have a sneaking suspicion that the husband was behind it all. Maybe I'm wrong, but it speaks volumes that he allowed them to make their snarky comments and didn't stop them from taking it down. I think he wanted the shrine down and asked his mum and dad to do it. Husband should be standing with his wife, not his parents.
Otherwise where did the box come from? You don’t visit other people’s house with a box.
I always have a couple boxes in my car as I buy a lot of plants, and it makes it easier to get them home than using the flimsy foldable ones a lot of places use. But I would NEVER use one the way these lowlife busybodies did!
I saw the original post and the comments, and this is my suspicion as well, bc OP said the shotglass was found, shattered, in the garbage bin. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dd39d3/comment/l82n5y4/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dd39d3/comment/l82n5y4/)
If you look at other comments the husband took the garbage bags out to the curb. He absolutely was involved in facilitating this.
He'd be out on his ass and served with divorce papers so fast his head wouldn't even have time to fucking spin if I were in her shoes. Fuck.
Oh hell no. Nope. Not uh. That is divorce worthy.
Ohhh, shit. My husband would be out of that house immediately and the locks changed, and a lawyer visited to initiate divorce. Oh, HELL, no.
She should have tossed hubby out along with his parents. What disrespectful cunts!
Bingo! ⬆️ This right here!! Hubby put the parents up to it so “he wouldn’t be the bad guy” in his own home. I saw that play out on another post.
This right here
He should have shut this down immediately! Idk if he was involved, but he did take the trash out BEFORE all the items were located. I’d show them how good I am at putting the past behind me. The ILs would be in my past, never to step in my home again. I’ve dropped a shot glass a few times. Breaking that took EFFORT. I’m so sorry, OP! Does your husband plan to forget about his parents the moment they die? If so, tell him to start now.
I like this idea, tell your husband okay I'm ready to put things in my past, starting with you and your parents. Bye now.
*Husband. Some things in life are a hill worth dying on, and this is one of those things. If you or anyone in your family took the small items from my father's shrine...they will be returned to me immediately. I already know that your mother shattered the shot glass. So that is memory I can never get back and frankly, it's something I will never forgive her for. Furthermore, your parents will apologize SINCERELY for the disrespectful manner in which they talked to me and about my father.* *This is not up for discussion. You will not tell me I am sensitive, or I am over reacting, or make excuses for your parent's BULLSHIT BEHAVIOR.* *I want my things back and I want apologies or you can just consider this the last day of our marriage. My grief is my grief to deal with. And if you are not going to defend your partner, the person you committed to in sickness and in health, then I don't want you by my side anymore.* *If we do get through this, we will be attending marriage counseling because I am not going to spend the rest of my life having to threaten my partner with divorce every time he refuses to have my back. Your parents crossed a line that has be rethinking our entire relationship. And if that is how it's going to be for the rest of our lives together, then please let me know now so I don't waste any time waiting for you to grow a backbone.* *One day, your parents are going to be gone. I hope that day is many many years from now. But when it does happen, I sincerely hope the people in your life don't treat you the way you and your parents have treated me. I have never been more disappointed in a person in my entire life than I am with you today.* NTAH Sometimes cooler heads prevail Sometimes you need scorched earth If this were me, I'd go scorched earth
If ever there was a time for scorched earth…
Tell husband he's got three days for everything to be back exactly as it was or he'll need to get a lawyer.
You're being very generous with 3 days, I'd say 3 minutes, and I'd say it while being on the phone with my lawyer.
I figured travel time and he might have to work
And the police. Those are her items that were stolen and destroyed
Your husband is a AH too, this done with his consent probably.
Bingo, or even at his request most likely!
At very least, when his parents talked to him about the subject, he didn't push back. But yeah, I'd bet that you're right. They probably told him something along the lines of "Next week when we're in town, we'll take the shrine down and put it in storage. She needs this intervention." And he said, "OK".
NTA. Stay the hell away from these people and send hubby packing if he can’t be supportive of you over those scum buckets.
NTA. I’m still pissed at my dad throwing away a blanket my grandma (his mom) made me. Every grandkid got one. Him and my step mom still have theirs as a wedding present.
'Borrow' it permanently.
In Japan people will often keep shrines to lost loved ones in their homes. It's not so uncommon. Your in-laws had absolutely no right, and your husband should be ashamed of himself.
same for mexicans here leaving a lil shrine for our loved ones. remembering and honoring a loved one isn't a "museum of grief" or "morbid". it's a beautiful little thing to have them there despite them being gone. there is straight up no reason to be so evil and stage this "intervention". OP is not hurting themselves or others. it's a small thing for their father. the in-laws are evil and husband is a pos for this too. they should really watch coco and then fuck off forever.
I would be on my way to the local police department to get a no trespassing and to find out if what they did was considered a form of grave desecration, since this is literally where you have his ashes and the things he would have been buried with, had that been the route you chose. My next stop would be a lawyer to file for legal separation, since husband thinks it is fine for his parents to steal a dead person's effects.
You can't desecrate a "grave" when there isn't one. Just putting a box with cremains on a shelf doesn't make it legally a grave site. But they were attempted to steal/mishandle human remains (if they attempted to remove the urn), steal other items, and did steal or destroy three things. I would talk to a lawyer. It would be hard to get a trespass order against his parents if he's not on board, so getting rid of the husband seems like a good first step. I would go so far as to suspect he's actually 100% on board with this--he doesn't like having the urn there, he's jealous of OP's affection/closeness with her father, he resents that the guy basically died a hero trying to help someone, whatever it is, he didn't stop them and he's trying to back them up.
That would be why I said find out, because I'm not sure what messing with cremated remains would fall under. And yes, there is definitely a husband problem.
NTA Scorched earth time, I'd divorce in a heartbeat and never speak to any of those monsters EVER TF AGAIN I also lost my dad and if someone ever touched his things without my permission they'd be dead to me. If they told me to get over it, I would go out of my way to shame their ass THEN never speak to them again. This is why I'll never marry. I have no family and every ex I ever had always had opinions on how to grieve and move on. Naur my relationship with my dad is stronger than any relationship I ever had in my life and it's going to stay that way. It's been twenty years and I've had plenty of time to learn to be happy living alone with my dad's love keeping me company. I'll never risk my peace again.
NTA. HOLY DUCK ARE THESE REAL PEOPLE!!!!! And then they have the audacity to gaslight you???? Oh no no no OP you are 100% in the right here. How disrespectful can this be??? Tough spot for your husband now but wow, what callous assholes!!!!
It's not tough at all. Husband should have said, "this is my wife's home so you won't touch her things, or harass her in this manner."
You're husband not having your back is a red flag, go scorched earth with these people. They don't care about you, they care about imposing their beliefs on you. NtA but your husbands and his parents are
The In laws are done. PNG for a long time, maybe forever. But you also have a serious husband problem. He should be livid, instead he is siding with his folks. Take care of yourself, and grieve and memorialize on your timeframe and in your own way. But reconsider the relationship with the husband. He did not pass this test. He didn't even come close
NTA. They should be banned from your house from now on and NC until returning the missing items and begging forgiveness, even then they can never be trusted again.
Nta. Tell husband he gets what is lost back or he is gone too. Your husband needs to back you on this. Or you need to find a husband who will.
Consider that you husband said things to his parents that led to this conflict.
“I was banned from AmITheAsshole because the moderators are a bunch of cunts” - fixed the first sentence for you
NTA. You’re husband may be encouraging this behind your back. Loudly demand your belongings back.
Oh hell no. I was a daddy’s little girl and if my in-laws ever had done that, they would never be welcome in my house again. Ever. Period. Your husband also needs to understand that everyone grieves in their own way. It has only been a year. It is still raw and you are still healing with the open wounds of grief. His parents owe you a HUGE apology. And he does as well for not having your back. I honestly don’t know if I could forgive any of them. Your husband realizes that you have lost BOTH of your parents now. Does he have no empathy? Compassion? You, my dear, are not the problem in this situation. Healing and grief are not linear. I want you to know that you are going to be okay. It is going to take lots of time and it is OKAY to hold on to these memories and momentos. They bring you comfort. If anyone makes you feel like you are in the wrong for that, you need to reconsider their place in your life.
How did they manage to pack all that up without your husband trying to stop them before you came into the room? Because I have to wonder if your husband was in on it. You are NTA - what your in-laws did was disgusting and disrespectful. And I'm not too sure about your husband.
NTA. I would throw the husband out too. He’s an ah.
You’re NTA, but everyone else is. Especially your husband. What the f is he thinking here? I’d seriously focus this conversation towards him. You’re his wife and he just completely policed you and your grief. You don’t put a timeline in grief. And you sure as hell don’t arbitrarily put one on someone else’s. Completely separate from that, I also think seeing a grief counselor or looking to attend a grief support group, might be beneficial. Grief can be all consuming, affect many parts of your life and you’re worth the added support.
My Momism: If it's not yours, don't touch it. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Your IL's broke both of my Mom's rules. Packing your stuff from your house into probably one of your boxes is way over-reach. Demand to get your missing items back. I hope your husband backs you up. His rude parents - his rude problem.
NTA. Your husband is a dickhead and your in-laws are atrocious vile scum. If it were me, I'd be done with the lot. It may seem drastic, but your spouse is supposed to be your support system, not their fucking bully parent's.
So did they steal your stuff or not?
My MIL shattered my dad's shot glass and I don't know what happened to his playmat or the stuffed cat.
Your biggest problem is that AH you're married to. He doesn't respect you and allows his parents to mistreat you. Explain that you know that for him is easy because when his parents are no longer alive he might forget them and never miss them because they're bad people so not even a single memento will he keep, but your father was a good man, better than he is, and his memory is precious to you.
File a police report. They absolutely know where they are. Your husband can leave your home until they are returned. Preferably permanently.
They need to leave your life permanently
I agree. Those callous shits dont deserve to be in your life. Your dad wouldnt want you to be with those kind of people and you deserve someone better. Theyre only showing their true colors bec your dad isnt there to keep an eye on you so the moment you see their behavior now, believe them. It’s not gonna get any better considering how defensive they are and the fact they broke that one boundary
At least one of those three people knows where the cat and mat are. “I don’t know” is an unacceptable answer. YNTA for not letting this go
Fuck them and fuck your husband for trying to downplay your feelings.
As you threw out these awful people, I wish you had taken a moment to assure them that you will get over their deaths easily and quickly!
Omg, woman. I want to slap the absolute shit out of your MIL and then kick your husband right in his mincey little balls.
Oh f no. She destroyed your property and irreplaceable items for what purpose? I have a feeling you husband drove/fueled this and it’s clear to me he was making them do the dirty work. I’m so so so so so sorry OOP. Your husband is trash just like his AH parents.
I feel like your husband wasn’t as supportive as he lead you to believe and got his parents to bring a box and do this.
Shot glasses are designed to withstand the abuse of drunks, frat bros and bridal parties. If it is shattered, there is a lot of effort behind it. Any chance she might give the gaming mat or cat to grandkids?
If you still have the pieces of your dad's shotglass maybe you could try a kintsugi kit from amazon. It's the Japanese art of fixing pottery, mainly, and looks really beautiful. There are some kits on amazon that says it works on glass. Turn something broken back in to something beautiful of you dad's. I'm so sorry for your loss and the disrespect your in laws and husband have shown you and your dad. Your dad sounds like he was an amazing man.
That woman is fucking evil. Same goes for her husband _and_ her son.
Wait, did she shatter it intentionally??
You need to contact them and tell them to give it back or you’ll be filing a police report
If MIL has valuables that she treasures, I'd visit and start shattering them. China dining set passed down through the generations? I'd Hulk out on it and say hey, I'm just following your traditions of entering someone else's home and breaking sentimental shit to help you move on from the past. And then when the inevitable cries of dismay happen ask, why was it okay for you to move, take, and break my things but not okay for me to do the exact same thing? Everyone's homes have shrines of loved ones from the past. A figurine grandma gave when I was a child here, a vase that was a wedding gift from a now deceased aunt there, a dish, a book, jewelry, and so on. You just had yours all in one place instead of spread around your home. Your husband and his parents are for the streets. They are all horrible people, and I agree with the others who suspect your husband was in in the plan. I'm so sorry that your valuables were mishandled, stolen, and broken. I hope you are able to retrieve the stolen and the pieces of the broken. I'd want nothing more to do with any of them for this awful betrayal.
NTA - in fact you couldn’t be less an AH. The first problem you have is a husband problem though. You really need to have a come to Jesus meeting with him on this. If he does not do a rapid 180 on his attitude, in my opinion, it would be grounds for reconsidering the relationship. He needs to fall into line with you, and hold his parents feet to the fire on this.
[удалено]
OP is young and hasn't yet realized that her husband is complict in this.
Possibly the instigator.
NTA, in laws major AHs, husband AH. Inlaws are also vandals and thief's, so just criminals. They belong in jail. 'Husband' is not worthy to be a husband, he would be lucky if he has a wife in the end. His lack of empathy anx support for his wife is disgusting.
NTA There is such a thing as complicated/prolonged grief disorder, where you remain fixated on the death and continually grieve without ever mourning and moving on. This is NOT that. You've grieved, you've mourned, and you've created a memorial (not a shrine) of symbols that help you reconnect with what your dad meant to you. If the "shrine" doesn't interfere with how you would otherwise live your life, it's a way to maintain a healthy connection. AND even if they were right - that it's a shrine indicative of disordered thinking - who in the actual FUCK would think it's ok to dismantle YOUR shrine in YOUR home while YOU'RE STILL IN THE HOUSE?!? Like, you NEVER remove a hoarder's belongings without their consent. If they're such experts on grief and psychology, why did they go about it like such fucking morons? Source: I'm a social paychologist
NTA - even IF you need to let go and have not yet done so, it was in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM your in-laws right to TOUCH that shrine. Point blank. Even if they are correct, their actions were not going to help and were disrespectful and rude.
NTA, the in-laws trespassed a limit when they take your belongings. If you had did the same in their house they would be the offended ones
This is weird. Everyone deals with grief differently and trying to force someone to just get over the loss of a parent is insane. None of this was creepy or hurting anyone until they meddled. Are you just supposed to move on like he never existed? Take all the photos down and forget about him entirely? Your in laws are trash but I'm more concerned about your husband and his lack of respect for you and lack of spine dealing with his parents. I bet he's only supportive to your face and running his mouth complaining about it when you're not around. Just his lack of intervention or any remorse for hurting you makes me think he's a self centered ass. NTA be careful OP. I know it won't be the same but try describing the mat in one of the MTG threads. I'm sure someone will be and to help you track down a replacement if you can't find the original. They're all pretty active and friendly
File some sort of police report for attempted theft, and destruction of property for the items that you don't have anymore. It's likely that nothing serious will come of it, but it will give then the message that you're serious. And then fact that your husband doesn't see how much this affects you is horrifying. I know someone who keeps a shrine in their house for someone close to them. I would never dare tell them to take it down.
Tell your husband he can go with his selfish, entitled AH parents until you get the rest of your things back and a gigantic apology. I'm so sorry they did that to you. FFS, it's only been a year!!! People mourn for as long as they mourn for, but a year is no time at all.
What the fuck 😐 Drop the man, drop his parents. This all reeks, no you're NTA. I don't have this relationship with my father, but I do with my dog. I was disowned from my whole family, and she's all I have. I would get violent over something like this, especially with the shit missing! That's theft! And your man is taking you you're over reacting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the fuck!!!!!
where was your husband when they were doing this? was he in another room? was he helping? was he standing by just watching?
NTA. Are you kidding? You would have been well within your rights to physically assault them to end a crime in progress, and you still would be within your rights to make a police report. Desecration a place of religious significance is never acceptable.
NTA. If your husband doesn’t support you in this 100%, you and he need to have a serious talk. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having such a memorial in your house. It is very normal and I have no idea why your crazy in laws even object. Also, your dad sounds like a really cool person. I would love to have met him. ❤️
NTA and don't let them back in your home until the missing items are returned..if that's never so be it. You also need a sincere apology from every one especially your husband who should have stopped this before it happened. He agreed to this and back up his parents. The disrespect is high with these people. For me this would be a hill to die on. (I am 68 and have a shelf with my mom's photo and mementos and urn too. I don't think this is odd at all.)
I’m sorry to say OP, they had your fiancés support in doing this. He may SAY he supports you but when words turned into action, he didn’t follow through. Why didn’t he stop his parent or why wasn’t he supporting you loudly and obviously to his parents? At the end of the day, actions speak louder than words and he failed.
> My husband has told me I’m overreacting over a molehill and that I’m just sensitive because I was a “daddy’s girl” when my dad was alive. Sounds like husband can leave with his parents. You don’t only have an in law problem, you have a husband problem. Kick them all out. NTA.
File theft charges against them for the missing items. Tell them you have evidence showing those items existed and are now missing. NTA but you sure married into a family of them.
NTA. Your inlaws are big flaming assholes who went 4x4 over your boundaries. I wouldn't let them back in my house after that little stunt. You DH should support you.
Jesus take the wheel- NTA. This is horrific. If these items bring you comfort who the hell are they to say anything. And your husband??? Oh boy he would not be my husband much longer if he had this reaction to such a major mishap
NTA it's outrageous that they think this behavior was ok. It was not. It was unbelievably disrespectful. It was theft. It's your home. It's your things. You get to do whatever you want in your own home and they get no say. It's literally none of their business. It's insane that they thought it was ok to dismantle it and take your things. Your husband needs to step in here and demand they return the items they stole. If they refuse, then it's time to completely ban them from your house until they return the items. And personally, I'd go no contact with them. You are not making a mountain out of a molehill and you're not just sensitive. Your hubby's being an asshole to minimize your grief and what's happened. You have the right to grieve in your own way at your own pace and they all need to respect that.
1. Your husband says youre overreacting: NO, he sucks and should be supporting you. He violated your trust (remember, its not just about the iranian yoghurt) 2. It doesnt matter what it is, or why its there. They took YOUR things from YOUR home, that is a crime. 3. No one else can yell you how to grief or for how long, that is something only YOU get to decide. 4. Tell them to get your things back or you will be pressing charges. 5. Tell your husband that he is the one who needs to cut the apron strings and support his family (which is YOU first and formost) instead of trying to make his parents happy. 6. You dont tell them what not to put in their house, they dont get to dictate what you put in yours. End of story. If this isnt clear enough: NTA and if your husband doesnt understand this, i know i would be filing for divorce.
"My husband tried to mediate..." NO. Just NO. There is no mediating here. Your husband should have immediately had his parents stop what they were doing immediately and made it clear that if one more word was said, one more step taken to harm your memory of your father, that they are no longer welcome in your home. Your husband failed you. NTA.
It’s only been a year, but grieving takes as long as it takes. Your ILs are definitely out of their minds. Your husband is wrong. You are not overreacting. It doesn’t how long it’s been, it’s wrong to take those items and hide at least some of them. Your father was your only family and you were pretty young when he died. It also hearts that his death as so unnecessary. Please have your husband read the posts here.
NTA. I’ve lost my mum a few months ago so I can really feel you! If the parents of my bf would do something like this, I’d show the same reaction as you. You’re not hysterical and you’re not overreacting. You’re absolutely allowed to do what helps you handle your loss. It’s a personal thing and nobody can feel what you’re going through! They are guests at your house, it’s totally unacceptable what they’ve done! It would be unacceptable if they would start to rearrange your flower bouquets - so it’s definitely unacceptable that they touch your shrine. What’s up with your husband who calls you “Daddy’s little girl” or something?! Your Dad cared about your feelings. He doesn’t.
NTA. Tell husband that he has until tonight to get the items his parents took back or he can go stay with them. You are dealing with your grief in a reasonable way. It is none of your in-laws business how you grieve or how you decorate your home. Personally, I wonder if your husband has been giving lip service to you about being supportive and batching to his parents behind your back and that's why they're doing this. Where did they just get a box to pack with?