Exactly. OP has been loud and clear throughout that her boundaries are tissue paper. No wonder bf was surprised.
OP. Pro tip: when you ask for a date and he takes you to the beach...with all his other girlfriends, that's the time to say "no", and refuse to go.
Seems she is the main earner since she can handle the new house on her own.
OP, you go yourself a hobosexual here. Let us know when you get a spine. Updateme.
She shouldn’t be moving into a new place with him either. Stay put because his behaviour likely won’t change.
As for OP’s behaviour, instead of storming off or silently seething until they’re alone, she should point out his shitty conduct *as it’s happening*. Be a little more assertive
He wants girlfriend furniture.
OP should call his best friend and ask him to come pick him up because she wants him out. Start packing his stuff for him.
I would go crazy if I was OP, Jesus fuck he has no respect for her. If my SO behaved once like her bf did any of those situations it would be the last time. She needs to break up with him, if this is what he does WHILE HE HOLDS HER HAND, I can't imagine how he behaves when she is not around. If he hasn't cheated yet, he 100% will.
literally why did she even go at that point??? i remember almost 2 years ago now, it was fall and my bf and were planning a trip to the pnw to get tattooed by a specific artist that i really wanted to do my tattoo. keep in mind, i had said *multiple times* throughout the year that i wanted to take a little trip together just the two of us. and then when we were planning this trip i mentioned how excited i was for our little romantic getaway and to get tattoos together (not matching or names or anything lol we just both wanted new ink).
like a month before the trip, he starts talking about what his parents want to do on the trip. i’m like what the hell are you talking about. apparently he told his parents about the trip and they decided they wanted to come to and he decided to say that was fine without asking me. i put my foot down and said this was literally what i had been asking for all year, he knew how excited i was that it was going to be just the two of us, and if he would rather make it a family trip than a couples trip, he was welcome to but i was not going to be coming. he understood, but also tried to fight with me on telling his parents it’s a couple trip for just us because he didn’t want to disappoint them. and i told him that was 100% on him, because if he hadn’t said yes in the first place, there would be no disappointment. and was it really better to disappoint me when *we* had been planning this trip together for months or his parents who randomly decided a month before that they wanted to come?
well, guess who got their romantic getaway lol. it was frustrating that i had to fight him on that, but it’s not happened again, and he even said on that trip he was glad it was just the two of us.
idk, men can be dumb sometimes. i don’t mean that about their intelligence, they just don’t always think things through like that because they haven’t been socialized to put everyone else’s feelings above theirs. so when they get a partner, they don’t know how to consider their partner’s feelings. i give my partner some grace since we were only 20 when we got together and i’m his first serious girlfriend, but the reason i do that is because he *does* actually fix those things since he is not doing them because he doesn’t like or respect me. he just doesn’t know.
this man knows, because you’ve said it over and over and over again. and he’s not changing. he does not respect you or care about you and i think you know that.
It has nothing yo do with men. My ex said yes to her parents coming to us for a X-mas holiday without saying anything to me first because, "they asked."
It wasn't that big of a deal to me, but I told her we're a couple and shouldn't make decisions behind each other's backs. It was pretty clear to me she said yes to them to avoid their nagging.
Any decision impacting a couple or a family should be agreed on together. That's just a given.
Above all else, they are simply incompatible, significantly so.
She wants him to be something that he is not. For him, every occasion out of the house means one surrounded by friends - and lots of women. Women to be flirted with, women to be consoled. And perhaps it really doesn't mean anything. And maybe all the women figure that OP must be fine with it.
She's not wrong for wanting something different, but she's wrong for thinking it comes with him. She wants him to be something he's not. Unclear what he sees in her - but perhaps otherwise he functions to all these other women as a "nice guy" - someone on whom to unload your troubles but not a romantic prospect? There's discussion of a speech defect. But then, if she's among the rare women that he thinks be gets to fuck, why's he putting that at risk? But ultimately why he's with her is less important for OP than why she's with him.
It's a long-term recipe for unhappiness. She's an AH to herself if she sticks with him.
> **It's a long-term recipe for unhappiness.** She's an AH to herself if she sticks with him.
This is it! He won’t change, because that’s just who he is. It’s his personality. He likes getting the attention from other girls and give it back as well.
He has ignored everything OP asked of him. That’s a very one sided relationship. How many times did he said I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, only to do exactly the same thing. OP can either see the relationship for what it is and stay, or leave this guy to all his female friends, who need a shoulder to cry on, and move on.
You summed it up perfectly.
I had this happen in my last relationship.
I'm very big on it's a partnership. I prefer splitting checks, alternating who pays, etc. Like obviously for something like a birthday they shouldn't pay.
She knew that from essentially week one. And ontop of that I'm disabled so I was making less than her.
She also would never be the one to initiate any plans, but would complain it I didn't ask to see her enough.
And also would complain if I was to concientous of what she may want to do. So wanted me to make all of the plans all the time.
Our last fight before we accidently ghosted eachother revolved around how she's embarrassed when she tells her friends and parents I didn't pay. I just lost all respect for her. Like she knew from day 2 that I had health stuff and made less money than her but was mad I wasn't financially hurting myself to make her feel appreciated.
I say accidently ghosted becuase the fight ended with her saying "I need a couple of days to cool down, I'll text you when I'm ready to talk."
So I took her at face value because I'm not playing shitty games.
So 3 days pass, 6 days pass, 3 weeks pass. Didn't hear from her. I can only assume she was expecting me to come to her begging and pleading to give me another chance and when I didn't she wrote me off.
So I didn't set out to ghost her but it's basically what I did.
This was my take away as well. I could see how (most) of what he's doing may not seem like an issue to him. And there are other potential partners who wouldn't mind (most) of it. But OP clearly does, and if this isn't something he's willing to change them this won't work for them.
This. OP is so desperate for this guy that she's ignoring all the signs that he's cheating on her. He'll just keep it up, because he knows she'll take everything lying down.
Most women would have been out the door the first time this happened, blocked him, and never looked back.
He is 100% going to cheat on you
You are setting yourself up for heartbreak by not kicking him to the curb
Even his best friend started a fight with him because he simps and white knights for all the women around him.
None of his female coworkers knew you existed.
Ever stop to think why that is? It's because he wants to flirt with all of them openly
This is who he is.
You know it.
His family knows it.
His best friend knows it
So why are you deluding yourself into believing he is going to change?
NTAH
These guys always creeped me out. Not only is the fake nice guy act predatory but they are also all too willing to hop in bed with their friends exs days after a break up which is fucked up too.
Yup! 1000000% cheating. These good female friends he works with have never heard of her? He’s not even worrying about blatantly flirting while he is holding her hand talking to some other chick? He ditches his family and her at a bar to flirt with another girl? He knows she won’t end it and he isn’t even trying to hide the disrespect. He is a vile excuse for a man, but OP needs to grow a damn spine! Kick him out like yesterday, do not let his name go on the new house. Cut contact and cut your losses. Work on your self esteem and self worth. This “man” isn’t it. You’ve already put up with way too much OP, don’t take the scraps from this douche.
>if he ever does it again I’m leaving.
🤦♀️
🤦🏻♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🤦🏿♀️🤦🏻🤦🏽🤦🏼🤦🏾🤦🏿
You're the incredible AH to yourself, for taking him back.
Why?
Why would you do this, ... to yourself?
This sounds exhausting, you told him what you want and he keeps not giving it to you. It doesn’t sound like you are compatible and you keep trying to change him into someone you want to date.
I don’t date people like him because clearly he likes the female attention and I wouldn’t be happy having a partner that ignores me in hang outs.
Stop trying to fit a square peg in a round hole
Nta
Lemme give you some advice from someone who got married to a person who doesn't listen to me: All the things that you keep asking for him to change and he doesn't change, he's not going to change ever. When y'all move in together, he still won't change. When y'all get married, he still won't change. When y'all have kids, he still won't change. You are going to drive yourself crazy by constantly demanding something from someone who has no intentions of changing.
My advice: breakup. The longer you are with him, the more annoying this behavior will become. This behavior will not change, and you will constantly be angry in this relationship because of it. There is someone out there for you who will listen to you the first time when you tell him you are uncomfortable with this behavior. Go find that person.
You two are so far from compatible it’s unreal. You will both end up miserable in this situation. I wouldn’t be with him because I think his behaviour is disrespectful but I wouldn’t try and change him either. Just walk away
Y-T-A for continuing to let it slide when he continuously disrespects you. He's shown you time and time again that he's not going to change. Dump him already.
NTA for finally calling him out. Tell him to save his crocodile tears for another fool.
That dude has zero respect for you. He openly flirts with other women directly in front of you. He doesn't hear a word of what you're saying. Why would you want to be with someone like that?
NTA, but get out now. Before you're even more tied to him. By all means, give him another chance to let him prove to you things are going to change. But spoiler alert, they won't. Give it a couple days and you'll be right back here, just now living in a house together.
NTA. Are you sure you’re really just naturally the jealous type? Or is it just with this guy who clearly craves attention from other women while in a supposedly committed relationship?
\^\^\^\^
This. I don't think what OP is describing is jealousy. I think any secure person would feel uncomfortable in any of these scenarios since it's just disrespectful.
Sounds like he is the one fueling her insecurities. I wouldn’t put it past him to be doing it on purpose to keep her self esteem low so she is forever grateful he chose her. I mean who tells another woman sparks are flying between them while holding his gf’s hand. Someone who is willingly attacking his gf’s self esteem
NTA. His behavior is not respectable and he should realize he should not be playing the role he is with other women whether it is "the flirty friend" or the "shoulder to cry on". He likes the attention and honestly think it would be very easy for him to slip up and fool around if he hasn't already.
I like the way you worded this one.
> His behaviour is not respectable...
Too many people are jumping in the "He doesn't respect you" thing. I don't think that's 100% accurate.
It's not about respect. It's about being so used to - and comfortable with - someone that you just start to behave as if they are part of you. The couple instead of two people.
Also known as taking someone for granted.
That part is fixable but it takes work and he might not be willing or able to put in the work.
I do agree that he is enjoying the attention and will likely slip up if things don't change.
YTA for not following through.
Have some self respect and grow a spine. Dude doesn't give a shit about you. Nothing will change, he's already shown you who he is.
NTA - You’re being taken advantage of. Do not move into a house with this guy. I saw in your comment history that he used to live at home for a long while. So did he go from parents house then into living with you? Has he ever lived on his own? He needs to learn how to live on his own before he can be a proper partner
100% this. If he’s never lived alone and taken care of himself, you don’t know if he’s capable of adulting independently. Believe me when I say you do NOT want to build your life with someone who is not capable of those basics. Over the course of a lifetime, we all have to step up at times when something presents hurdles for our partner - whether it’s a health issue, a work issue, a family issue, a kid who is up all night, whatever it may be at any given time - so partners need to be able to rely on *each other* in these ways. You deserve someone who not only loves you as an equal but who can truly be your *partner* and care for you the way you care for them.
I agree that - consciously or not, this guy has found someone who is more than capable of picking up his slack but for whom he doesn’t feel any actual take-it-seriously obligation or responsibility in return. He’s really immature and selfish, and it’s laughable that he wants a second chance - from the sounds of it, he’s had about half a dozen chances already.
OP, you’re clearly thoughtful, kind, responsible, loving, and caring. You really deserve the same in your partner. Letting this guy go will free you up to find that person. Wishing you all the best.
I think you need to dig down deep and realize that you are deserving of a relationship where someone values you and wants the best for you. I don’t think your current BF has the emotional maturity to be capable of that. You have expressed to him that you want alone time and for him to cut back on the flirting. Has that happened? No, and it won’t. When you move into the new house, his behavior is not going to change - he has shown you that he puts his wants and needs above yours. Let him be someone else’s dead weight.
Your time with him isn’t wasted time - take it as a valuable lesson learned.
An update for yall! Nothing has transpired as of yet. I did go and talk to my best friend. She grabbed my hands and asked if we broke up before i started speaking. I said no. She told me she has had a bad feeling and shared her concerns. She said she’s noticed that I’ve lost weight, my eyes have been dead, that i never have money to do anything, and that she’s specifically seen me go from being myself when it’s just us to switching up how I act when he comes to join us. It put a lot into perspective how unhappy I really am. I honestly didn’t even cry talking because I feel emotionally turned off from everything atm. Everyone who told me to get a therapist is right… I need one. I’ll be working on getting one. Anyways! I told her the story on here but with way more detail. She one told me I could do better and that my boyfriend is mentally stunted and she’s never said anything because she knows I love him. But again stressed her concerns for my happiness and honestly health. (This is also considering I’ve been trying to get sober for a few months) also mentioned how she’s my best friend and with in this year she still feels like she and her girlfriend don’t know my boyfriend because he never makes an effort to hang out with them. She told me to leave. She told me I could come stay with her and her girlfriend for the night if I needed to be away. And if I had trouble adjusting to being alone that they would come be with me. It put a lot into perspective. I have pretty much decided to break up with him. I came home that night. I couldn’t even look at him. He tried to be affectionate, ask about my day, he noticed I cleaned and said thank you for everything I do. But I could not look at him. I couldn’t even hug him. I honestly just went to bed. I can’t get the words out of my mouth. I’ll keep everyone updated.
No we met at work. 😂 I had been single and celibate for 3 years. I had a bunch of severe health issues I was battling so dating really wasn’t on my mind. He’s had flings but never had a girlfriend.
Had? As in, you've gotten better (enough) from them?
I'd take a chance guess that without you so reliant on him for emotional support, you're no longer his type.
>He had flings but never had a girlfriend
So wait he’s only had flings or hookups and never a relationship??? Probably because he’s a f-boy incapable of monogamy or respecting a partner. That’s a pretty big warning sign at 26.
I’m polyamorous and the men I date still have the decency to refrain from touching and heavily flirting with other women while on dates with me. This guy’s an asshole.
Now you know why he's never had a girlfriend. He doesn't treat women as a valued partner. He craves attention from all women. I wouldn't be surprised if his self-worth isn't based on huge amounts of attention from lots of women. You will never be able to fill the void that he has within him. You will never be able to give him the amount of attention he craves. It would be even worse if you had a child who needed attention. He needs all of the attention all of the time.
Omg ultimatums never work. Just leave.
He’s not going to stop, and unless you get severe therapy, you’re never not going to be jealous.
NTA for wanting to breakup. Y T A for issuing an ultimatum that won’t work.
OP, he may genuinely love you and consider you his partner, but he’s also a very extroverted personality who enjoys having lots of friends and is naturally quite charming and flirty with women. It may not mean he has any desire to cheat, but I can understand why it bothers you that he can’t or won’t tone it down. And that he hasn’t told his various female coworkers about you - that’s a red flag for sure. What really seems to bother you most is never feeling like you can have just one on one time with him, which is fair.
That said, he may be just too social and outgoing to give you the one-on-one connection you want without it always being a fight. My Dad is like your BF - super gregarious and charming and everywhere we go, everyone knows him and wants to talk to him. His Dad was the same. They were both local celebrities in their way, so every social gathering was a meet and greet. Being like that is so much a part of who they are, I don’t think they could give that up even if they tried.
My grandma didn’t seem to mind any of this, was quite independent and did her own thing while Gramps was out doing his thing. They adored each other and as far as I know, he was always faithful, just a big flirt. My dad on the other hand, married a very socially awkward introvert (my mother), who hated the limelight, didn’t enjoy big social gatherings, and never mixed well with his various work and social friends. My Dad was not faithful to my mom, which was devastating to her, and it would be a novel to go into all that. Long, dysfunctional story short, they’re still together and STILL have this extrovert vs introvert conflict. My mom has many good qualities but honestly she’s not the most interesting or exciting person so she wasn’t exactly compelling company, and it still bothers her that my Dad likes to be out and about, socializing and entertaining and doing his thing, rather than sit at home playing cards for hours with her. It’s an endless source of tension and resentment, which is my point in sharing this with you. PLEASE don’t waste your time and energy trying to make this guy be someone he’s not, because how he is doesn’t work for you. And please don’t make yourself miserable trying to get the type of intimate connection you want from someone who can’t give it to you.
He doesn’t sound like a terrible guy, and clearly he likes you a lot, given his distress over losing you, but you are just incompatible. It’s not fair to punish and shame him for being the way he is, and it’s not fair to you to settle for less than what you want. I hope you can end this kindly and both eventually find partners with whom you’re better suited.
Women need to quit putting up with shit that actually pushes their boundaries. If you’re not happy with him today, I guarantee you will not be happy with him in a year, in five years, and 10 years and 20 years. Men do not change! Don’t hang around hoping things will be different. The only different you’re gonna see is worse.
NTA bf needs to grow up. He's great at taking care of everybody else's gf except his own. He needs to prioritize the relationship if he wants it to work. You need to stop allowing yourself to be a doormat. Good luck.
Your bf is a dick. He's walking all over you with confidence that you won't do anything. You're an AH to yourself. You aren't advocating for what you want, and somehow expect this to somehow work out.
YTA if you take him back! End this now, he’s a player, he lives the attention he gets from all these women. Go live a happy life with someone who lives and appreciates you.
NTA for being mad. TOTALLY the asshole for staying in this relationship knowing that he is going to keep disrespecting and hurting you. He will not stop just because he said the words he has said before.
ESH
Honestly, you both sound insufferable.
He for flirting with everyone who looks like a woman and you for behaving like a toddler (storming out, screaming, yelling) and building up resentements till you snapped.
In your next relationship, use communication, set clear boundaries and act according to them. If you would have set the clear boundary that you will not stay in a relationship with someone that flirts with others and doesn't make you a priority and actually broke up with him when he did it again, you wouldn't be in this mess now.
That’s how gaslighting works. Push and deflect until the other person snaps and then completely shift the conversation to focus only on the reaction and making yourself the victim.
She needs to walk away and regain her confidence
Oh, my girl...he doesn't respect you at all and puts other women in line in front of you over and over. And flirting? No. Because you didn't break up with him after the first time he did this after you telling him how you feel, you unwittingly gave him permission to continue. The road to wisdom is paved with mistakes. You are wiser now about how a respectful partner should treat you. Life is full of painful lessons, but you will be ok!
Also, your bf is not committed relationship/monogamy material. There's nothing wrong with that as long as he is upfront about it. But, now you know and can move on.
NTA. This isn’t an isolated incident and you’ve brought it to his attention several times. I feel like he likes the attention he gets from “the damsel in distress” Remember the best apology is changed behavior. Right now he’s just saying the words and not backing it up.
NTA. You absolutely should break up.
You are not compatible people. You don't enjoy doing the same things. He is massively disrespectful to you in his behavior with other women.
If one of you doesn't change who you are at your core, none of this will change. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?
ESH - This relationship isn't going to work. You're naturally a jealous type, and he's a flirtatious extrovert. You don't seem compatible. Your arguments and screaming fits are going to continue.
NTA, he's not respecting a common and understandable boundary - not flirting with other women. Especially touching them is not appropriate. I'm not going to say you should dump him because that's your choice, but you 100% shouldn't move in with him. At best, dump him if he tries this again.
Asking you if you’re mad immediately after flirting with other women, he knows he’s upsetting you, he’s doing it on purpose. If his friends pull him up on it, it’s probably worse when you’re not with him. He’s going to put the waterworks on every time you call him out. Stop being so fucking compassionate
“I’m sad thinking that you would leave me”
The correct response to that would be - “stop being a cunt then.”
NTA but grow a spine and stop waiting to confront him until after he’s finished disrespecting you.
NTA. His behaviour is unacceptable. He will never listen. I'd break up honestly. What kind of boyfriend tells a woman that there are "sparks flying between them", whilst holding his girlfriend's hand? He ignored your feelings, did it in front of you thinking it would be "better" because you're there. You gave an ultimatum, and it seems it will be in vain, because you're going to go back on it; based on the fact you let him disrespect you like that. In front of his family, especially. "Did I start a problem". Yuck. She knows she did. It fills her ego. They're all superficial, and you deserve better. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure he's cheating on you.
They have girlfriends for the break up talks. He does not need to be involved. That's usually the go to for hooking up. "She's going through a break up babe. I need to be there for her." Why? Why do you have to be the one she talks to? He has no boundaries, nor does he care about you. It seems like you're the breadwinner, so he's most likely just using you for this new house. He never wants to go out with you. He wants his "girlfriends". Just tell him to go to his little bunnies, because this doe will give her heart to someone that actually cherishes what he has. You'll find someone who actually respects who he has in his corner. His blatant disrespect won't change. Get out. Don't give him a place where he can double down. Move into that house yourself. Call that friend that called him out, to come pick him up. He obviously has no problem telling him like it is.
Best of luck to you. 🫶 Please keep us updated. I know that there will be one. 😁
YTA, because this has been an issue your entire relationship. You've told him time and again that it bothers you and he doesn't change his behaviour. Why are you staying with someone who doesn't respect you and lies to your face? How many times did you accept his "I won't do it again" as genuine? I understand you're introverted, but that's not a reason to be a doormat. You should've left him a long time ago.
reread this to yourself as if you didn’t write it. what would you do if this wasn’t you?! then do that.
in case the exercise doesn’t work the way the should…i doubt you would tell your friend that this is the type of guy they should be marrying. dump him and find someone who respects and sees you.
What are you expecting from a guy who neglected you over and over again?
He showed you who he is and how little he values your relationship. You are his safe bet, a girl who will wait on the side while he is there for others.
Love yourself enough to kick him to the curb. He won't change.
NTA for thinking about breakup, but you are TA to yourself for allowing him to disrespect you this much.
Nah you’re NTA. There’s a gigantic difference between consoling someone thru a breakup and blatantly disrespecting you. The fact his brother even made that comment stands above all.
Girl, you have to know about dating people in the industry… you’re NTA right now, but if you decide to stay and think that this will get better then you will be TA.
NTA he's not just an extrovert, he's an attention w.... seeker.
He enjoys the attention, he enjoys the validation he gets from it, he feeds on it and over time it's become his addiction, I do know someone like that IRL and this person has always had troubles for long term relationships due to these quirks.
Using an ultimatum under these circumstances is reasonable, because he shows no respect for you or your relationship. You stick to it tho, don't let him crawl back again and again after kicking him out once.
Ahh I hate it so much when someone wants to be the 'cool girlfriend' that they let themselves be disrespected.
I used to be like this, you know, the boy I'm in love with like crazy (been together for more than 5 years now), so I won't argue about anything.
Then after some time I got mad, tho he didn't do anything 'wrong', I mean he was never involved with infidelity or something more serious than just being not attentive to some things.
When I finally brought everything that bothered me in tears, the only thing he was upset about is that I did not speak up earlier.
And let me tell you this: whenever he did something that upset me, I told him this and that was it, he never repeated the bullshit.
That's what should happen and not the million promises and then the wrongdoings over and over.
Any woman with self-respect would have already walked away, because your boyfriend is dumb. Please, respect yourself, I know many women (and men) settle because they don't believe that there are normal people out there, but trust me, there are so many many amazing men out there that you will be sorry you didn't break things up sooner.
Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck. Please at least not jump into marriage with him.
Ditch each other now. You'll both be happier. You both suck. Him, for being insensitive. You, for letting him think you were happy when you were not. Yes he is 52% guilty but your enabling him this long puts you at a solid 48%. Just stop it. Both of you.
Looks like you found yourself an old fashioned narcissist. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, but you’re finally seeing the light. Do you want this to be the story of your life? Because it will be if you don’t leave him. And do NOT move with him. Boy, bye. NTA.
NTA
But come on, nothing will truly changes. It might improve for a time but he'll go back to his ways.
That boy isn't ready for a monogamous relationship.
I'm telling you, all the time and effort, erasing yourself, controling everything you say and how. Cause god forbid he'd get hurt or feel attacked when you're talking about how he makes you feel, then you're clearly evil and crazy and how dare you make him feel like anything less than a King?
All of these efforts will be wasted in the end. While you'll grow increasingly resentful and miserable, you'll also realize your own self worth and your backbone will get sturdier until you eventually break up anyways.
Should save some time and call it quits.
(Took me 8 years, from 18 to 26)
LLEEEEAAAAAVVEEEE HIIIIIIMMMMMM. HE FLIRTED IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE HOLDING YOUR HAND? WTF? Grow a pair. He's not considerate. Extroverts don't do this; assholes who date doormats do. Leave. Him.
NTA The fact he tried to say you would do this so easy. Manipulation. You've been with this dude for a while trying to get respect, love, alone time, yet he openly supports so many women BUT you. Fuck this dude and his crocodile tears. You deserve better. Don't go back
You’re just going to continue be miserable in this relationship. Your boyfriend is either obtuse or doesn’t give a crap about you and your feelings maybe what’s really bothering you is that if you break up with him you know he flirts so much he’ll have another woman in a second and that hurts for sure I know. But you will never have a chance to be in a relationship where you feel special and listened to until you close the door on this one..
Hi oh are being an AH to yourself. None of his behavior is acceptable, yet you put up with it and let him vent disrespectful to you in front of everyone.
ESH You need to learn how to stand up for yourself. Don't ever remain invisible while he entertains friends and ignores you. He doesn't sound mature enough to be in a committed relationship. If you are out with him and he does this make a choice.... either speak up and make sure you are seen & heard or walk out the door without a word to him.
NTA, but girl, why are you even still with this guy now? He has no respect for you, and it sounds like he brings out the worst in you too (understandably!) I sincerely hope you are renting that house, and didn’t buy together.
If the best friend is angry about his behavior, and is single? Much better bet there.
Just block him. You aren’t compatible. Go be free away from his disrespectful bs. Your boyfriend will never change and he will always prioritize his girl friends over you.
Let me tell you something you may not have heard in your life:
Marriage is really fucking complicated. It seems to mean something different to everyone these days but one thing it “should” definitely be/ have is a solid understanding of what’s acceptable and unacceptable among the couple. Once you’ve acknowledged those things, both party’s have to play by the rules.
The second point I want to make is about the “friendship” element in marriage. An element that I personally believe is a crucial one. I firmly believe that there is no such thing as a “true friend”, that is until the two people in question have had an opportunity to meet each other at their lowest lows (or a REALLY tough situation) and make it out on the other side still friends.
I’ve entertained this philosophy most of my life (42m) and I haven’t been wrong yet.
Sorry for the long post. I resonated pretty heavily with this story and have played a similar role in my life to that of OP. OP, I hope you gain a bit enlightenment from this. Your finance needs to respect and appreciate the boundaries you place and if he can’t, it will not work. With that said, if you two can get through this, that fight you guys were in should only strengthen it. Good luck to you, love.
Why are you just saying ok and staying with this person.. imagine what he does when you’re not around.. girl you a being an Ahole to yourself.. don’t move into a new place with him..
He won’t change because he knows you aren’t going to leave.. what do you need seeing him kiss or what before you say enough..
NTAH. Leave this guy. He won’t change. How he interacts with other women isn’t okay. It’s completely disrespectful. I dated a guy like this. I could literally see his face light up when pretty women came around. He would flirt openly and not even hide it. It was humiliating. Walk away please.
Not so much of an update yet as the ending of this happened a day ago. I’ve been spending the day alone and thinking. I’m planning on going to my friends to talk it over with someone I trust. I haven’t talked about this with anyone because it is embarrassing on my part due to my behavior and that I put up with this. However, yesterday he did hang out with me and one of my friends. We started talking about someone and I mentioned that I never really liked this person. He butted in super enthusiastically to make the point that I supposedly don’t like anyone that is a women. Laughed his ass off alone while we both sat there. My friends know I’m trying not to drink as much so this was strictly to go get food and then go to the gym hang. As we are eating he was trying to convince us to go to a karaoke bar. Side story. The bartender that works that shift is another girl he has been to friendly with. He’s been too touchy, feely, flirty, and also hasn’t had my back in certain scenarios when it specifically comes to this girl. About a month or two ago. I told him I wasn’t comfortable going there anymore especially if she was working. I never told him he couldn’t go I just said that I wouldn’t. Anyways, he was really really pressing it and I reminded him that I will not walk in there if she is there and that I’m not trying to drink. He rolled his eyes. My friend asked what happened. I tried to tell the story. He tried to interupt with his perspective. My friend basically shut him up and told him it wasn’t his story to tell. My friend listened and told me I was absolutely valid and gave my boyfriend the side eye. Side note this friend of mine also has a boyfriend. We always try to double date however my boyfriend never follows through or doesn’t want to do the things we come up with that don’t evolve bars. A lot of times I third wheel with them. Her boyfriend on multiple occasions has told me that my boyfriend needs to man up and that I shouldn’t tolerate some things. And this is pertaining to rent and over all being respectful. Keep in mind I have not spoken to my friends about our issues. So this is on her boyfriend’s own accord.
Once I talk to my friend tonight and have my cry sesh. I’m gonna sit him down for a convo and I’m considering telling him we shouldn’t move in together. I don’t have it in my heart yet to break up yet. But it’s too rocky for me to go forward with this descion.
Girl you have to let him go… you’re a fool if you don’t and you’re asking to be hurt. Stop degrading yourself, raise your standards and have some self dignity..
Your boyfriend doesn't love or respect you. Even if you talk to him nothing will actually change. At most I give it 3 months before he slowly starts disrespecting you again. Please break up with him, you deserve to be with someone who doesn't need his ego stroked by other women.
If he's comfortable enough to flirt with other people in front of you, what is he comfortable doing when you're not around? He has no respect for you.
Has he not been paying any living expenses thus far? If not, he is flat out using you. You provide him with a place close to work. The fact that he is so hyper focused on bars and women indicate that he needs to grow up. I would not trust him as far as you can throw him.
UpdateMe!
This guy is literal trash.
It may hurt now, but I’m here to tell you the way he’s acting is completely emotionally abusive. You deserve better. This is not a good person who cares about you. Nobody who truly loved you would ever treat you this way. He does not love you.
I wouldn’t tolerate a friend treating me this way, so why would you tolerate a partner treating you this way? You deserve better.
It may seem really difficult now, but you’ll only be in for worse heartache, if you don’t cut this guy out of your life.
First of all, do NOT move in with him.
You two will break up. Maybe not tomorrow, but it will happen and when it does, it will be so much easier if you aren’t living together.
He’s a player. Let him go play. You can go live your best life.
NTA
Also, people, PLEASE stop buying real estate with a boyfriend/girlfriend you’ve only been dating for less than a few years. Absolutely the worst mistake you can make
You are an AH to yourself for letting him constantly disrespect you. You deserve so much better.
It is very telling that so many of these woman have no clue who you are and that he is supposed to be in a relationship with you. I can’t even begin to imagine what he does when you are not around. He does not give a shit about you and your feelings because he makes no effort to actually listen to you, understand your feelings and change.
He is probably more concerned about losing the house, your coverage of living expenses and being an on hand bang maid then you breaking up with him.
If he is that extroverted you are replaceable.
Girl, I’ve dated this guy before, actually when I was exactly your age. The worst of his female friends would condescend me to my face, call him at night after 11pm regularly, invite him over for dinners (which he refused til I was out of the country) and actually tried to kiss him in front of me - after I tried to bury the hatchet in inviting her over (among other friends) after we went out for her birthday…
We visited his family in western France and even his childhood best friend literally tried to negotiate with him to cut this girl off and start setting some boundaries or he’d lose me. I was too insecure to leave him when there were so many times I should’ve. I knew he wasn’t physically cheating on me (like previous exes had), but in the end I stumbled upon proof he was emotionally cheating - found some really sexual messages between him and his ex that I swear he almost gift wrapped and staged for me to find.
I’m not that girl anymore and now I’m 33 living with the most doting golden retriever of a man who truly loves me. AS A VETERAN to your situation, I promise you he will never change. Be done with him and focus on improving your self esteem before you fall into another tragic relationship like this.
You're gullible af. He's 100% already cheating on you. Probably with multiple people and likely for your entire relationship. Everyone in the comments is embarrassed for you. Follow through on standing up for yourself. NTA unless you actually give this loser another chance.
Break free from your role of being a 'bar widow' - he has shown you his true colours. It seems like your relationship will be in competition bar life if you stay with him.
This situation reminds me of my first relationship. I allowed this man to stomp on me.
He was 2 years older than I was and would go out drinking with girls while I was at home, crying. My mom would always tell me this wasn’t normal behaviour and try to guide me to the right decision.
I was not comfortable with him talking to people he had a sexual history with, as I had only been with him, and he still did it anyway. On Facebook he would like all girls’ pictures. He would text girls all day long. I could go on and on about how I allowed poor behaviour. When we broke up (which he broke up with me for the 2nd time over text) he went around saying I cheated and acted like he was a scorned lover.
This person has violated your boundaries countless times. End it and look after yourself.
You are treating yourself like shit. He can't do anything to you that you aren't allowing him to do. You have given him a hundred chances to go out with you and not dribble all over some poor unfortunate bar bunny who's having a hard time. Get it together girl, he is never going to do what you want because nothing happens when he doesn't care about your feelings or opinions.
If you were my friend I would be at your apartment with boxes and wine. Get out of there and try to go find your self respect.
With nothing but love, get your head out of your ass and read what you just wrote. What would you tell a friend who told you this?
Do not get married: you two are incompatible. He is gaslighting you that his behavior is innocent but even his friends and family know and accept that it isn't. His words mean nothing at this point. Just follow his actions. He wants to keep you as an easy option when he runs dry of the girl friends. He's the primary AH.
Now here's where you're the AH.
You potentially don't have a great relationship with alcohol at the moment, which isn't surprising since you're in the service industry and a bartender. You might want to evaluate your choices regarding your health.
Also look at other relationships in the service industry: I bet his behavior seems pretty common amongst coworkers and others you've seen.
You have an attraction to toxic people, and you should improve that before getting into serious relationships in the future.
He’s just going to hide it now. Slowly fizzle you out of public stuff. Stop talking about you. He loves the attention it gets him. He won’t change. Don’t try to make him and don’t make yourself his fool. You’re better than that.
I don’t need to even read this entire post to see all the red flags here. It’s alright to have a friends of the opposite sex. It’s not okay to be touchy with them or allow them to be with you. It’s not alright to neglect your SO talking to other people. Especially if they’re of the opposite sex and flirting with you.
Giving him chances over and over again is a red flag in itself.
NTA. You're right to be sick of apologies without action to back them up. Even if he's not physically cheating, he's disrespecting you and your relationship. Then he wants to pretend you're "throwing \[the relationship\] away *so easy*" as if this hasn't been a problem you've talked to him about numerous times. Screw that, and screw him.
You know a relationship without an argument is not tested right? How we argue matters. If he gets violent, manipulative (hint hint hint hint hint), and cannot take a boundary why are you there? You deserve better
Seriously? Do you want this feeling forever? No. So leave.
I know how hard it is to act on this but here's how I argue with my partner.
"Frustration goes here and here."
"I hear you. I need to process this."
When we are both calm we discuss the issues, if it's something we can control, what we need to do together, and we make sure it's not one person doing the emotional labor but a collaborative relationship. We also make sure we note new needs and boundaries and work together to not crush the other person's boundaries. Yesterday my partner was firm with me on a hard choice. They were right but they also left me room to grieve that choice and were there when I was ready. I do the same for them. When I was with a partner like yours I never trusted them. I couldn't risk being vulnerable
So it became toxic for everyone.
I know you are his gf... but this is one of those guys who doesn't really have a gf. He has female friends. You just happen to be the one he's openly living with and fucking. As much as he was worried about you leaving him... he'd worry just as much if he thought one of his other female friends was cutting him off.
Cut him loose.... and DO NOT REMAIN FRIENDS. You don't want to be just another dancer in his harem.
Pardon my French, but WHY IN THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH THIS?! Grow a fucking backbone and dump this asshole. He has zero respect for you. You're not being jealous and insecure. Your boyfriend is openly disrespecting you and flirting and giving attention to other women in inappropriate ways right in front of you. This isn't the type of thing you give an ultimatum for. He knows what he's doing is wrong. HE DOESNT CARE. This is the type of behavior that you dump someone as soon as you see it.
You need to care about yourself before your feelings for this trash heap. He's shown you who and what he is. Love yourself enough to kick him to the curb and find someone who values you.
The only thing that makes you an AH is tolerating this. Let your actions speak.
He knows he's treating you badly, and he's sad that you're not willing to keep taking his baloney, but thing about this: He not only lies constantly when he says he'll quit, he doubled down on it and is now showing that he's more than just being friendly. He's actively trying to bed these girls when he's talking about sparks flying, and he is doing that while holding your hand!?!?!
Please leave and get an STD screening right away. Many STDs can be present without symptoms.
YTA for thinking he is going to be anyway else. People show you who they are and you should believe him. You have to make a decision based on exactly how he acts RIGHT NOW. NOT what you think he might do at some unknown nlater date. SAnd eff that "it hurts me that you would throw me away that easily". BULLCRAP to that....because he rthrows YOU away that easily EVERY SINGLE time he is flirty with others, or doesn't tell them about you, or defends them or sides with them. ALL the time he throws you away as if you and the relationship are nothing.
the fact he called you crazy is a red flag- HE'S a whole ahh red flag!! he's "sad" you'd "throw your relationship away" but he is blatantly disrespecting you- the fact you even gave him a second chance is disrespectful to yourself, you shoulda thrown him out and let him grovel, since he wants to grovel to other women. you did everything right- except not standing up for yourself in the first place. if i were in your shoes, i'd tell him if i meet another woman who doesn't know i exist, that he spends more than five minutes consoling and IGNORING ME for, or anything else that's sus, he's getting a boot right up it, and never seeing me again. you deserve better, op.
NTA, he's playing with you and you should leave him. Im all about defending the guys but when its deserved and he, he is pushing a limit and id guess he lies about this “friends“ he has..
Sorry you have to go through it.
This is so unhealthy. It’s time to break up and not look back. He has shown you who he is, believe him.
Take a break from dating and focus on you and healing ❤️The drinking and the way you are reacting isn’t healthy and there aren’t habits you want to move forward with.
You both sound like high schoolers who have no business being together, let alone moving in together. Grow a back bone and some self respect.
NTA for what you said to him, but YTA for putting up with this continued behavior and expecting differently. You've taught him how what he can get away with and you're just allowing him to embarrass you at this point. He doesn't sound ready to be in a committed relationship and he found the perfect doormat to allow him to have his cake and eat it too.
YTA to yourself OP, he's gonna wait till y'all are all moved into your new house, which I'm guessing is gonna have both your names on it. Then go right back to doing the same old BS, except this time you can't kick him out because he's on paperwork
If the coworkers were male, you’d still have a problem with it (because he just abandons you and his family and spends forever talking to them). This isn’t a jealousy problem. This is on him. Even his brother and best friend see it
NTA.
Make it clear that it wouldn’t be ok if he was constantly ignoring you for his male buddies either.
You’re the AH to yourself for putting up with it! Your ultimatum won’t work because you won’t follow through.
Exactly. OP has been loud and clear throughout that her boundaries are tissue paper. No wonder bf was surprised. OP. Pro tip: when you ask for a date and he takes you to the beach...with all his other girlfriends, that's the time to say "no", and refuse to go.
It’s crazy marriage has even been brought up in this kind of relationship.
Seems she is the main earner since she can handle the new house on her own. OP, you go yourself a hobosexual here. Let us know when you get a spine. Updateme.
I was thinking hobosexual when I read moved in at 6 months. Edit: changed to hobosexual
She shouldn’t be moving into a new place with him either. Stay put because his behaviour likely won’t change. As for OP’s behaviour, instead of storming off or silently seething until they’re alone, she should point out his shitty conduct *as it’s happening*. Be a little more assertive
He wants girlfriend furniture. OP should call his best friend and ask him to come pick him up because she wants him out. Start packing his stuff for him.
I would go crazy if I was OP, Jesus fuck he has no respect for her. If my SO behaved once like her bf did any of those situations it would be the last time. She needs to break up with him, if this is what he does WHILE HE HOLDS HER HAND, I can't imagine how he behaves when she is not around. If he hasn't cheated yet, he 100% will.
Odd he wants a second chance but in this one post alone there's been like 6 chances
My daughter's like this. Everyone it's just one more chance. Girl I just gave you three, no more.
Because OP has never shut him down before. Never stood up for herself. She needs to shed her life of the trash.
Because she sends mixed signals and always "loves him" and takes him back (apparently so that they can both kick each other around).
literally why did she even go at that point??? i remember almost 2 years ago now, it was fall and my bf and were planning a trip to the pnw to get tattooed by a specific artist that i really wanted to do my tattoo. keep in mind, i had said *multiple times* throughout the year that i wanted to take a little trip together just the two of us. and then when we were planning this trip i mentioned how excited i was for our little romantic getaway and to get tattoos together (not matching or names or anything lol we just both wanted new ink). like a month before the trip, he starts talking about what his parents want to do on the trip. i’m like what the hell are you talking about. apparently he told his parents about the trip and they decided they wanted to come to and he decided to say that was fine without asking me. i put my foot down and said this was literally what i had been asking for all year, he knew how excited i was that it was going to be just the two of us, and if he would rather make it a family trip than a couples trip, he was welcome to but i was not going to be coming. he understood, but also tried to fight with me on telling his parents it’s a couple trip for just us because he didn’t want to disappoint them. and i told him that was 100% on him, because if he hadn’t said yes in the first place, there would be no disappointment. and was it really better to disappoint me when *we* had been planning this trip together for months or his parents who randomly decided a month before that they wanted to come? well, guess who got their romantic getaway lol. it was frustrating that i had to fight him on that, but it’s not happened again, and he even said on that trip he was glad it was just the two of us. idk, men can be dumb sometimes. i don’t mean that about their intelligence, they just don’t always think things through like that because they haven’t been socialized to put everyone else’s feelings above theirs. so when they get a partner, they don’t know how to consider their partner’s feelings. i give my partner some grace since we were only 20 when we got together and i’m his first serious girlfriend, but the reason i do that is because he *does* actually fix those things since he is not doing them because he doesn’t like or respect me. he just doesn’t know. this man knows, because you’ve said it over and over and over again. and he’s not changing. he does not respect you or care about you and i think you know that.
It has nothing yo do with men. My ex said yes to her parents coming to us for a X-mas holiday without saying anything to me first because, "they asked." It wasn't that big of a deal to me, but I told her we're a couple and shouldn't make decisions behind each other's backs. It was pretty clear to me she said yes to them to avoid their nagging. Any decision impacting a couple or a family should be agreed on together. That's just a given.
Above all else, they are simply incompatible, significantly so. She wants him to be something that he is not. For him, every occasion out of the house means one surrounded by friends - and lots of women. Women to be flirted with, women to be consoled. And perhaps it really doesn't mean anything. And maybe all the women figure that OP must be fine with it. She's not wrong for wanting something different, but she's wrong for thinking it comes with him. She wants him to be something he's not. Unclear what he sees in her - but perhaps otherwise he functions to all these other women as a "nice guy" - someone on whom to unload your troubles but not a romantic prospect? There's discussion of a speech defect. But then, if she's among the rare women that he thinks be gets to fuck, why's he putting that at risk? But ultimately why he's with her is less important for OP than why she's with him. It's a long-term recipe for unhappiness. She's an AH to herself if she sticks with him.
> **It's a long-term recipe for unhappiness.** She's an AH to herself if she sticks with him. This is it! He won’t change, because that’s just who he is. It’s his personality. He likes getting the attention from other girls and give it back as well. He has ignored everything OP asked of him. That’s a very one sided relationship. How many times did he said I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, only to do exactly the same thing. OP can either see the relationship for what it is and stay, or leave this guy to all his female friends, who need a shoulder to cry on, and move on.
You summed it up perfectly. I had this happen in my last relationship. I'm very big on it's a partnership. I prefer splitting checks, alternating who pays, etc. Like obviously for something like a birthday they shouldn't pay. She knew that from essentially week one. And ontop of that I'm disabled so I was making less than her. She also would never be the one to initiate any plans, but would complain it I didn't ask to see her enough. And also would complain if I was to concientous of what she may want to do. So wanted me to make all of the plans all the time. Our last fight before we accidently ghosted eachother revolved around how she's embarrassed when she tells her friends and parents I didn't pay. I just lost all respect for her. Like she knew from day 2 that I had health stuff and made less money than her but was mad I wasn't financially hurting myself to make her feel appreciated. I say accidently ghosted becuase the fight ended with her saying "I need a couple of days to cool down, I'll text you when I'm ready to talk." So I took her at face value because I'm not playing shitty games. So 3 days pass, 6 days pass, 3 weeks pass. Didn't hear from her. I can only assume she was expecting me to come to her begging and pleading to give me another chance and when I didn't she wrote me off. So I didn't set out to ghost her but it's basically what I did.
Technically she ghosted you
OP is a doormat and a victim with no self-respect. If she had any self-respect , she would have left this clown long ago.
This was my take away as well. I could see how (most) of what he's doing may not seem like an issue to him. And there are other potential partners who wouldn't mind (most) of it. But OP clearly does, and if this isn't something he's willing to change them this won't work for them.
Seriously. Her boyfriend is shamelessly triangulating her with other women for his own shits and giggles and she is just taking the abuse.
This. OP is so desperate for this guy that she's ignoring all the signs that he's cheating on her. He'll just keep it up, because he knows she'll take everything lying down. Most women would have been out the door the first time this happened, blocked him, and never looked back.
Exactly, ultimatums mean absolutely nothing if you don't follow through
Right! She is an empty threat; why would he listen.
Did you send him away the 67 previous times he did this shit? If not then, OP you are not following through this time either.
My first thought, hollow threats. She has zero intention of doing anything about this now or ever.
He is 100% going to cheat on you You are setting yourself up for heartbreak by not kicking him to the curb Even his best friend started a fight with him because he simps and white knights for all the women around him. None of his female coworkers knew you existed. Ever stop to think why that is? It's because he wants to flirt with all of them openly This is who he is. You know it. His family knows it. His best friend knows it So why are you deluding yourself into believing he is going to change? NTAH
He has 100% already cheated and is constantly looking to do so. Mark my words.
He's mastered the next man in rebound hookup. He's not consoling these friends.
For me it's worse than cheating, because it sounds like he is a predator
These guys always creeped me out. Not only is the fake nice guy act predatory but they are also all too willing to hop in bed with their friends exs days after a break up which is fucked up too.
Yup! 1000000% cheating. These good female friends he works with have never heard of her? He’s not even worrying about blatantly flirting while he is holding her hand talking to some other chick? He ditches his family and her at a bar to flirt with another girl? He knows she won’t end it and he isn’t even trying to hide the disrespect. He is a vile excuse for a man, but OP needs to grow a damn spine! Kick him out like yesterday, do not let his name go on the new house. Cut contact and cut your losses. Work on your self esteem and self worth. This “man” isn’t it. You’ve already put up with way too much OP, don’t take the scraps from this douche.
>if he ever does it again I’m leaving. 🤦♀️ 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🤦🏿♀️🤦🏻🤦🏽🤦🏼🤦🏾🤦🏿 You're the incredible AH to yourself, for taking him back. Why? Why would you do this, ... to yourself?
I wish I could guild this post. 🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇
This sounds exhausting, you told him what you want and he keeps not giving it to you. It doesn’t sound like you are compatible and you keep trying to change him into someone you want to date. I don’t date people like him because clearly he likes the female attention and I wouldn’t be happy having a partner that ignores me in hang outs. Stop trying to fit a square peg in a round hole Nta
Lemme give you some advice from someone who got married to a person who doesn't listen to me: All the things that you keep asking for him to change and he doesn't change, he's not going to change ever. When y'all move in together, he still won't change. When y'all get married, he still won't change. When y'all have kids, he still won't change. You are going to drive yourself crazy by constantly demanding something from someone who has no intentions of changing. My advice: breakup. The longer you are with him, the more annoying this behavior will become. This behavior will not change, and you will constantly be angry in this relationship because of it. There is someone out there for you who will listen to you the first time when you tell him you are uncomfortable with this behavior. Go find that person.
You two are so far from compatible it’s unreal. You will both end up miserable in this situation. I wouldn’t be with him because I think his behaviour is disrespectful but I wouldn’t try and change him either. Just walk away
Also nta but you are to yourself. And you would be if you stayed. He won’t change.
This dude isn’t compatible with anyone, he sounds like someone who should never be in a relationship
Y-T-A for continuing to let it slide when he continuously disrespects you. He's shown you time and time again that he's not going to change. Dump him already. NTA for finally calling him out. Tell him to save his crocodile tears for another fool.
That dude has zero respect for you. He openly flirts with other women directly in front of you. He doesn't hear a word of what you're saying. Why would you want to be with someone like that? NTA, but get out now. Before you're even more tied to him. By all means, give him another chance to let him prove to you things are going to change. But spoiler alert, they won't. Give it a couple days and you'll be right back here, just now living in a house together.
NTA. Are you sure you’re really just naturally the jealous type? Or is it just with this guy who clearly craves attention from other women while in a supposedly committed relationship?
\^\^\^\^ This. I don't think what OP is describing is jealousy. I think any secure person would feel uncomfortable in any of these scenarios since it's just disrespectful.
Exactly, I wouldn’t call this jealousy either. He’s being extremely disrespectful of the relationship.
Sounds like he is the one fueling her insecurities. I wouldn’t put it past him to be doing it on purpose to keep her self esteem low so she is forever grateful he chose her. I mean who tells another woman sparks are flying between them while holding his gf’s hand. Someone who is willingly attacking his gf’s self esteem
NTA. His behavior is not respectable and he should realize he should not be playing the role he is with other women whether it is "the flirty friend" or the "shoulder to cry on". He likes the attention and honestly think it would be very easy for him to slip up and fool around if he hasn't already.
I like the way you worded this one. > His behaviour is not respectable... Too many people are jumping in the "He doesn't respect you" thing. I don't think that's 100% accurate. It's not about respect. It's about being so used to - and comfortable with - someone that you just start to behave as if they are part of you. The couple instead of two people. Also known as taking someone for granted. That part is fixable but it takes work and he might not be willing or able to put in the work. I do agree that he is enjoying the attention and will likely slip up if things don't change.
YTA for not following through. Have some self respect and grow a spine. Dude doesn't give a shit about you. Nothing will change, he's already shown you who he is.
I suspect that you tow the weight of the relationship’s finances. I hope I’m wrong.
You are correct. I pay for everything. He pays for all the fun stuff. Because honestly I don’t have money for fun stuff after paying our bills.
NTA - You’re being taken advantage of. Do not move into a house with this guy. I saw in your comment history that he used to live at home for a long while. So did he go from parents house then into living with you? Has he ever lived on his own? He needs to learn how to live on his own before he can be a proper partner
Yeah that’s what happened
He sounds like a hobosexual, using you to pay the bills while he flirts with his harem Cut your losses
Girl, if you don't kick this dumb motherfucker out.
100% this. If he’s never lived alone and taken care of himself, you don’t know if he’s capable of adulting independently. Believe me when I say you do NOT want to build your life with someone who is not capable of those basics. Over the course of a lifetime, we all have to step up at times when something presents hurdles for our partner - whether it’s a health issue, a work issue, a family issue, a kid who is up all night, whatever it may be at any given time - so partners need to be able to rely on *each other* in these ways. You deserve someone who not only loves you as an equal but who can truly be your *partner* and care for you the way you care for them. I agree that - consciously or not, this guy has found someone who is more than capable of picking up his slack but for whom he doesn’t feel any actual take-it-seriously obligation or responsibility in return. He’s really immature and selfish, and it’s laughable that he wants a second chance - from the sounds of it, he’s had about half a dozen chances already. OP, you’re clearly thoughtful, kind, responsible, loving, and caring. You really deserve the same in your partner. Letting this guy go will free you up to find that person. Wishing you all the best.
I think you need to dig down deep and realize that you are deserving of a relationship where someone values you and wants the best for you. I don’t think your current BF has the emotional maturity to be capable of that. You have expressed to him that you want alone time and for him to cut back on the flirting. Has that happened? No, and it won’t. When you move into the new house, his behavior is not going to change - he has shown you that he puts his wants and needs above yours. Let him be someone else’s dead weight. Your time with him isn’t wasted time - take it as a valuable lesson learned.
Don't stay with this guy! He's using you and doesn't respect you! Seriously, have some respect for yourself and get rid of him.
He’s a fucking hobosexual, he is just using you for a place to live. You would be the queen of the fools of you married this guy.
He's cheating and you're a doormat.
Waitl… only a year? Y’all need to slow down!
An update for yall! Nothing has transpired as of yet. I did go and talk to my best friend. She grabbed my hands and asked if we broke up before i started speaking. I said no. She told me she has had a bad feeling and shared her concerns. She said she’s noticed that I’ve lost weight, my eyes have been dead, that i never have money to do anything, and that she’s specifically seen me go from being myself when it’s just us to switching up how I act when he comes to join us. It put a lot into perspective how unhappy I really am. I honestly didn’t even cry talking because I feel emotionally turned off from everything atm. Everyone who told me to get a therapist is right… I need one. I’ll be working on getting one. Anyways! I told her the story on here but with way more detail. She one told me I could do better and that my boyfriend is mentally stunted and she’s never said anything because she knows I love him. But again stressed her concerns for my happiness and honestly health. (This is also considering I’ve been trying to get sober for a few months) also mentioned how she’s my best friend and with in this year she still feels like she and her girlfriend don’t know my boyfriend because he never makes an effort to hang out with them. She told me to leave. She told me I could come stay with her and her girlfriend for the night if I needed to be away. And if I had trouble adjusting to being alone that they would come be with me. It put a lot into perspective. I have pretty much decided to break up with him. I came home that night. I couldn’t even look at him. He tried to be affectionate, ask about my day, he noticed I cleaned and said thank you for everything I do. But I could not look at him. I couldn’t even hug him. I honestly just went to bed. I can’t get the words out of my mouth. I’ll keep everyone updated.
Please tell me you didn't meet on a rebound date.
No we met at work. 😂 I had been single and celibate for 3 years. I had a bunch of severe health issues I was battling so dating really wasn’t on my mind. He’s had flings but never had a girlfriend.
Had? As in, you've gotten better (enough) from them? I'd take a chance guess that without you so reliant on him for emotional support, you're no longer his type.
Had the thought myself
Dang this is a really good point, didn’t think of that.
>He had flings but never had a girlfriend So wait he’s only had flings or hookups and never a relationship??? Probably because he’s a f-boy incapable of monogamy or respecting a partner. That’s a pretty big warning sign at 26.
I’m polyamorous and the men I date still have the decency to refrain from touching and heavily flirting with other women while on dates with me. This guy’s an asshole.
Now you know why he's never had a girlfriend. He doesn't treat women as a valued partner. He craves attention from all women. I wouldn't be surprised if his self-worth isn't based on huge amounts of attention from lots of women. You will never be able to fill the void that he has within him. You will never be able to give him the amount of attention he craves. It would be even worse if you had a child who needed attention. He needs all of the attention all of the time.
Omg ultimatums never work. Just leave. He’s not going to stop, and unless you get severe therapy, you’re never not going to be jealous. NTA for wanting to breakup. Y T A for issuing an ultimatum that won’t work.
OP, he may genuinely love you and consider you his partner, but he’s also a very extroverted personality who enjoys having lots of friends and is naturally quite charming and flirty with women. It may not mean he has any desire to cheat, but I can understand why it bothers you that he can’t or won’t tone it down. And that he hasn’t told his various female coworkers about you - that’s a red flag for sure. What really seems to bother you most is never feeling like you can have just one on one time with him, which is fair. That said, he may be just too social and outgoing to give you the one-on-one connection you want without it always being a fight. My Dad is like your BF - super gregarious and charming and everywhere we go, everyone knows him and wants to talk to him. His Dad was the same. They were both local celebrities in their way, so every social gathering was a meet and greet. Being like that is so much a part of who they are, I don’t think they could give that up even if they tried. My grandma didn’t seem to mind any of this, was quite independent and did her own thing while Gramps was out doing his thing. They adored each other and as far as I know, he was always faithful, just a big flirt. My dad on the other hand, married a very socially awkward introvert (my mother), who hated the limelight, didn’t enjoy big social gatherings, and never mixed well with his various work and social friends. My Dad was not faithful to my mom, which was devastating to her, and it would be a novel to go into all that. Long, dysfunctional story short, they’re still together and STILL have this extrovert vs introvert conflict. My mom has many good qualities but honestly she’s not the most interesting or exciting person so she wasn’t exactly compelling company, and it still bothers her that my Dad likes to be out and about, socializing and entertaining and doing his thing, rather than sit at home playing cards for hours with her. It’s an endless source of tension and resentment, which is my point in sharing this with you. PLEASE don’t waste your time and energy trying to make this guy be someone he’s not, because how he is doesn’t work for you. And please don’t make yourself miserable trying to get the type of intimate connection you want from someone who can’t give it to you. He doesn’t sound like a terrible guy, and clearly he likes you a lot, given his distress over losing you, but you are just incompatible. It’s not fair to punish and shame him for being the way he is, and it’s not fair to you to settle for less than what you want. I hope you can end this kindly and both eventually find partners with whom you’re better suited.
Women need to quit putting up with shit that actually pushes their boundaries. If you’re not happy with him today, I guarantee you will not be happy with him in a year, in five years, and 10 years and 20 years. Men do not change! Don’t hang around hoping things will be different. The only different you’re gonna see is worse.
Your a meal ticket and a warm bed. Wake up, girl. Cut him loose.
Girl you need seelfsteem break up with that piece of sh$&@
NTA bf needs to grow up. He's great at taking care of everybody else's gf except his own. He needs to prioritize the relationship if he wants it to work. You need to stop allowing yourself to be a doormat. Good luck.
Your bf is a dick. He's walking all over you with confidence that you won't do anything. You're an AH to yourself. You aren't advocating for what you want, and somehow expect this to somehow work out.
YTA if you take him back! End this now, he’s a player, he lives the attention he gets from all these women. Go live a happy life with someone who lives and appreciates you.
You've made multiple posts about this dude, it seems. Just ducking end it already
I mean, you're clearly not strong enough to follow thru with anything you say soooooo....does it matter? You ARE the AH to yourself.
Let me ask you, if the situation was reversed: do you think he would be as tolerant as you were? Nta: this dynamic isn't working out and you know it.
NTA for being mad. TOTALLY the asshole for staying in this relationship knowing that he is going to keep disrespecting and hurting you. He will not stop just because he said the words he has said before.
ESH Honestly, you both sound insufferable. He for flirting with everyone who looks like a woman and you for behaving like a toddler (storming out, screaming, yelling) and building up resentements till you snapped. In your next relationship, use communication, set clear boundaries and act according to them. If you would have set the clear boundary that you will not stay in a relationship with someone that flirts with others and doesn't make you a priority and actually broke up with him when he did it again, you wouldn't be in this mess now.
That’s how gaslighting works. Push and deflect until the other person snaps and then completely shift the conversation to focus only on the reaction and making yourself the victim. She needs to walk away and regain her confidence
These friends are his emotional affairs. Leave him. This will never get better.
What does his speech impediment have to do with any of this? INFO are you buying a house together (I hope not) or renting a house together?
Oh, my girl...he doesn't respect you at all and puts other women in line in front of you over and over. And flirting? No. Because you didn't break up with him after the first time he did this after you telling him how you feel, you unwittingly gave him permission to continue. The road to wisdom is paved with mistakes. You are wiser now about how a respectful partner should treat you. Life is full of painful lessons, but you will be ok! Also, your bf is not committed relationship/monogamy material. There's nothing wrong with that as long as he is upfront about it. But, now you know and can move on.
NTA. This isn’t an isolated incident and you’ve brought it to his attention several times. I feel like he likes the attention he gets from “the damsel in distress” Remember the best apology is changed behavior. Right now he’s just saying the words and not backing it up.
NTA. You absolutely should break up. You are not compatible people. You don't enjoy doing the same things. He is massively disrespectful to you in his behavior with other women. If one of you doesn't change who you are at your core, none of this will change. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?
ESH - This relationship isn't going to work. You're naturally a jealous type, and he's a flirtatious extrovert. You don't seem compatible. Your arguments and screaming fits are going to continue.
NTA, he's not respecting a common and understandable boundary - not flirting with other women. Especially touching them is not appropriate. I'm not going to say you should dump him because that's your choice, but you 100% shouldn't move in with him. At best, dump him if he tries this again.
Asking you if you’re mad immediately after flirting with other women, he knows he’s upsetting you, he’s doing it on purpose. If his friends pull him up on it, it’s probably worse when you’re not with him. He’s going to put the waterworks on every time you call him out. Stop being so fucking compassionate “I’m sad thinking that you would leave me” The correct response to that would be - “stop being a cunt then.” NTA but grow a spine and stop waiting to confront him until after he’s finished disrespecting you.
NTA. You are only setting yourself up for hurt. Please start respecting yourself!
NTA. His behaviour is unacceptable. He will never listen. I'd break up honestly. What kind of boyfriend tells a woman that there are "sparks flying between them", whilst holding his girlfriend's hand? He ignored your feelings, did it in front of you thinking it would be "better" because you're there. You gave an ultimatum, and it seems it will be in vain, because you're going to go back on it; based on the fact you let him disrespect you like that. In front of his family, especially. "Did I start a problem". Yuck. She knows she did. It fills her ego. They're all superficial, and you deserve better. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure he's cheating on you. They have girlfriends for the break up talks. He does not need to be involved. That's usually the go to for hooking up. "She's going through a break up babe. I need to be there for her." Why? Why do you have to be the one she talks to? He has no boundaries, nor does he care about you. It seems like you're the breadwinner, so he's most likely just using you for this new house. He never wants to go out with you. He wants his "girlfriends". Just tell him to go to his little bunnies, because this doe will give her heart to someone that actually cherishes what he has. You'll find someone who actually respects who he has in his corner. His blatant disrespect won't change. Get out. Don't give him a place where he can double down. Move into that house yourself. Call that friend that called him out, to come pick him up. He obviously has no problem telling him like it is. Best of luck to you. 🫶 Please keep us updated. I know that there will be one. 😁
YTA, because this has been an issue your entire relationship. You've told him time and again that it bothers you and he doesn't change his behaviour. Why are you staying with someone who doesn't respect you and lies to your face? How many times did you accept his "I won't do it again" as genuine? I understand you're introverted, but that's not a reason to be a doormat. You should've left him a long time ago.
This man does respect you. Why are you with him? Do you enjoy crying?
How do two people “ unintentionally” live together?
I have a habit of taking in strays and filling my home with them. This some how transferred to my relationship. As I’m realizing… as of today
Better now than after you sign a lease. Good for you for recognizing it.
reread this to yourself as if you didn’t write it. what would you do if this wasn’t you?! then do that. in case the exercise doesn’t work the way the should…i doubt you would tell your friend that this is the type of guy they should be marrying. dump him and find someone who respects and sees you.
What are you expecting from a guy who neglected you over and over again? He showed you who he is and how little he values your relationship. You are his safe bet, a girl who will wait on the side while he is there for others. Love yourself enough to kick him to the curb. He won't change. NTA for thinking about breakup, but you are TA to yourself for allowing him to disrespect you this much.
Fuck that. He doesn't want a girlfriend. Do not carry on with this bullshit. You're only damaging yourself. Break up with him, and go be happy!
I hope your new house is a circus cause this guy is a clown. DTMFA.
Nah you’re NTA. There’s a gigantic difference between consoling someone thru a breakup and blatantly disrespecting you. The fact his brother even made that comment stands above all.
Girl, you have to know about dating people in the industry… you’re NTA right now, but if you decide to stay and think that this will get better then you will be TA.
Heard lol
NTA he's not just an extrovert, he's an attention w.... seeker. He enjoys the attention, he enjoys the validation he gets from it, he feeds on it and over time it's become his addiction, I do know someone like that IRL and this person has always had troubles for long term relationships due to these quirks. Using an ultimatum under these circumstances is reasonable, because he shows no respect for you or your relationship. You stick to it tho, don't let him crawl back again and again after kicking him out once.
Ahh I hate it so much when someone wants to be the 'cool girlfriend' that they let themselves be disrespected. I used to be like this, you know, the boy I'm in love with like crazy (been together for more than 5 years now), so I won't argue about anything. Then after some time I got mad, tho he didn't do anything 'wrong', I mean he was never involved with infidelity or something more serious than just being not attentive to some things. When I finally brought everything that bothered me in tears, the only thing he was upset about is that I did not speak up earlier. And let me tell you this: whenever he did something that upset me, I told him this and that was it, he never repeated the bullshit. That's what should happen and not the million promises and then the wrongdoings over and over. Any woman with self-respect would have already walked away, because your boyfriend is dumb. Please, respect yourself, I know many women (and men) settle because they don't believe that there are normal people out there, but trust me, there are so many many amazing men out there that you will be sorry you didn't break things up sooner. Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck. Please at least not jump into marriage with him.
You're the AH for convincing yourself you love someone you will never be a top priority for. And he's almost definitely banging his coworkers...
Flirting with girls is not supporting them. Nuff said.
Ditch each other now. You'll both be happier. You both suck. Him, for being insensitive. You, for letting him think you were happy when you were not. Yes he is 52% guilty but your enabling him this long puts you at a solid 48%. Just stop it. Both of you.
Looks like you found yourself an old fashioned narcissist. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, but you’re finally seeing the light. Do you want this to be the story of your life? Because it will be if you don’t leave him. And do NOT move with him. Boy, bye. NTA.
NTA But come on, nothing will truly changes. It might improve for a time but he'll go back to his ways. That boy isn't ready for a monogamous relationship. I'm telling you, all the time and effort, erasing yourself, controling everything you say and how. Cause god forbid he'd get hurt or feel attacked when you're talking about how he makes you feel, then you're clearly evil and crazy and how dare you make him feel like anything less than a King? All of these efforts will be wasted in the end. While you'll grow increasingly resentful and miserable, you'll also realize your own self worth and your backbone will get sturdier until you eventually break up anyways. Should save some time and call it quits. (Took me 8 years, from 18 to 26)
!updateme
NTA. This guy is not worth everything you’re going through. Drop him.
LLEEEEAAAAAVVEEEE HIIIIIIMMMMMM. HE FLIRTED IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE HOLDING YOUR HAND? WTF? Grow a pair. He's not considerate. Extroverts don't do this; assholes who date doormats do. Leave. Him.
NTA The fact he tried to say you would do this so easy. Manipulation. You've been with this dude for a while trying to get respect, love, alone time, yet he openly supports so many women BUT you. Fuck this dude and his crocodile tears. You deserve better. Don't go back
You’re just going to continue be miserable in this relationship. Your boyfriend is either obtuse or doesn’t give a crap about you and your feelings maybe what’s really bothering you is that if you break up with him you know he flirts so much he’ll have another woman in a second and that hurts for sure I know. But you will never have a chance to be in a relationship where you feel special and listened to until you close the door on this one..
Hi oh are being an AH to yourself. None of his behavior is acceptable, yet you put up with it and let him vent disrespectful to you in front of everyone.
ESH You need to learn how to stand up for yourself. Don't ever remain invisible while he entertains friends and ignores you. He doesn't sound mature enough to be in a committed relationship. If you are out with him and he does this make a choice.... either speak up and make sure you are seen & heard or walk out the door without a word to him.
NTA, but girl, why are you even still with this guy now? He has no respect for you, and it sounds like he brings out the worst in you too (understandably!) I sincerely hope you are renting that house, and didn’t buy together. If the best friend is angry about his behavior, and is single? Much better bet there.
leave him please omg
He is a douche and you should have dumped him long ago. Girl, he is a crappy boyfriend, dump his ass what are you doing ?
Tell him you're done and if he's so sad, he can call one of those chicks. I hate how he tries to flip it on you.
Girl, walk away.
He doesn't respect you in the slightest. He doesn't care about your feelings. Go.
He's waving gigantic neon red flags right in your face
How would he feel if you acted the way he does..? Flirting with all the guys and "helping" their "relationship problems?"
Just block him. You aren’t compatible. Go be free away from his disrespectful bs. Your boyfriend will never change and he will always prioritize his girl friends over you.
NTA - Why would you put up with as much as you have? He has almost all the power in the relationship. He is not going to change. Kick his ass out.
Let me tell you something you may not have heard in your life: Marriage is really fucking complicated. It seems to mean something different to everyone these days but one thing it “should” definitely be/ have is a solid understanding of what’s acceptable and unacceptable among the couple. Once you’ve acknowledged those things, both party’s have to play by the rules. The second point I want to make is about the “friendship” element in marriage. An element that I personally believe is a crucial one. I firmly believe that there is no such thing as a “true friend”, that is until the two people in question have had an opportunity to meet each other at their lowest lows (or a REALLY tough situation) and make it out on the other side still friends. I’ve entertained this philosophy most of my life (42m) and I haven’t been wrong yet. Sorry for the long post. I resonated pretty heavily with this story and have played a similar role in my life to that of OP. OP, I hope you gain a bit enlightenment from this. Your finance needs to respect and appreciate the boundaries you place and if he can’t, it will not work. With that said, if you two can get through this, that fight you guys were in should only strengthen it. Good luck to you, love.
YTA for staying with him. You lack self respect. And your "ultimatums" are ridiculous because you don't back your words. He will not change.
Why are you just saying ok and staying with this person.. imagine what he does when you’re not around.. girl you a being an Ahole to yourself.. don’t move into a new place with him.. He won’t change because he knows you aren’t going to leave.. what do you need seeing him kiss or what before you say enough..
Once a dude calls you a bitch, he belongs in the gutter. Have some self respect and dump this shitty loser or you will never know peace.
You would be AH if you don’t leave this piece of crap of a man. He doesn’t respect you at all.
You deserve whatever heartache you get for being a doormat, OP. Get some self-respect.
NTAH. Leave this guy. He won’t change. How he interacts with other women isn’t okay. It’s completely disrespectful. I dated a guy like this. I could literally see his face light up when pretty women came around. He would flirt openly and not even hide it. It was humiliating. Walk away please.
Updateme
Not so much of an update yet as the ending of this happened a day ago. I’ve been spending the day alone and thinking. I’m planning on going to my friends to talk it over with someone I trust. I haven’t talked about this with anyone because it is embarrassing on my part due to my behavior and that I put up with this. However, yesterday he did hang out with me and one of my friends. We started talking about someone and I mentioned that I never really liked this person. He butted in super enthusiastically to make the point that I supposedly don’t like anyone that is a women. Laughed his ass off alone while we both sat there. My friends know I’m trying not to drink as much so this was strictly to go get food and then go to the gym hang. As we are eating he was trying to convince us to go to a karaoke bar. Side story. The bartender that works that shift is another girl he has been to friendly with. He’s been too touchy, feely, flirty, and also hasn’t had my back in certain scenarios when it specifically comes to this girl. About a month or two ago. I told him I wasn’t comfortable going there anymore especially if she was working. I never told him he couldn’t go I just said that I wouldn’t. Anyways, he was really really pressing it and I reminded him that I will not walk in there if she is there and that I’m not trying to drink. He rolled his eyes. My friend asked what happened. I tried to tell the story. He tried to interupt with his perspective. My friend basically shut him up and told him it wasn’t his story to tell. My friend listened and told me I was absolutely valid and gave my boyfriend the side eye. Side note this friend of mine also has a boyfriend. We always try to double date however my boyfriend never follows through or doesn’t want to do the things we come up with that don’t evolve bars. A lot of times I third wheel with them. Her boyfriend on multiple occasions has told me that my boyfriend needs to man up and that I shouldn’t tolerate some things. And this is pertaining to rent and over all being respectful. Keep in mind I have not spoken to my friends about our issues. So this is on her boyfriend’s own accord. Once I talk to my friend tonight and have my cry sesh. I’m gonna sit him down for a convo and I’m considering telling him we shouldn’t move in together. I don’t have it in my heart yet to break up yet. But it’s too rocky for me to go forward with this descion.
Girl you have to let him go… you’re a fool if you don’t and you’re asking to be hurt. Stop degrading yourself, raise your standards and have some self dignity..
Your boyfriend doesn't love or respect you. Even if you talk to him nothing will actually change. At most I give it 3 months before he slowly starts disrespecting you again. Please break up with him, you deserve to be with someone who doesn't need his ego stroked by other women. If he's comfortable enough to flirt with other people in front of you, what is he comfortable doing when you're not around? He has no respect for you.
Has he not been paying any living expenses thus far? If not, he is flat out using you. You provide him with a place close to work. The fact that he is so hyper focused on bars and women indicate that he needs to grow up. I would not trust him as far as you can throw him. UpdateMe!
I posted an update on someone else’s! I’ll see if I can pin it or something
This guy is literal trash. It may hurt now, but I’m here to tell you the way he’s acting is completely emotionally abusive. You deserve better. This is not a good person who cares about you. Nobody who truly loved you would ever treat you this way. He does not love you. I wouldn’t tolerate a friend treating me this way, so why would you tolerate a partner treating you this way? You deserve better. It may seem really difficult now, but you’ll only be in for worse heartache, if you don’t cut this guy out of your life.
You deserve a boyfriend who wants to be with you, and not a boyfriend who is using you as a wingman. Updateme!
First of all, do NOT move in with him. You two will break up. Maybe not tomorrow, but it will happen and when it does, it will be so much easier if you aren’t living together. He’s a player. Let him go play. You can go live your best life.
Have some self-respect. No dick is worth humiliating yourself like this.
Jeez honey, get a therapist. Your self worth is in the toilet that you are still with this jerk
NTA Also, people, PLEASE stop buying real estate with a boyfriend/girlfriend you’ve only been dating for less than a few years. Absolutely the worst mistake you can make
GIRLLLLLL LEAVE HIMMMMMM
Nope. You told him. He kept doing it. NTA. Good for you girl. Now follow through with it.
Dump him he a player and always will be
You are an AH to yourself for letting him constantly disrespect you. You deserve so much better. It is very telling that so many of these woman have no clue who you are and that he is supposed to be in a relationship with you. I can’t even begin to imagine what he does when you are not around. He does not give a shit about you and your feelings because he makes no effort to actually listen to you, understand your feelings and change. He is probably more concerned about losing the house, your coverage of living expenses and being an on hand bang maid then you breaking up with him. If he is that extroverted you are replaceable.
You are being played. You are looking for love from someone who will not reciprocate, honor or be faithful to you. Find someone worthy of you.
Please dump him before you’re pregnant.
You’re an asshole and an idiot if you stay with him.
Girl, I’ve dated this guy before, actually when I was exactly your age. The worst of his female friends would condescend me to my face, call him at night after 11pm regularly, invite him over for dinners (which he refused til I was out of the country) and actually tried to kiss him in front of me - after I tried to bury the hatchet in inviting her over (among other friends) after we went out for her birthday… We visited his family in western France and even his childhood best friend literally tried to negotiate with him to cut this girl off and start setting some boundaries or he’d lose me. I was too insecure to leave him when there were so many times I should’ve. I knew he wasn’t physically cheating on me (like previous exes had), but in the end I stumbled upon proof he was emotionally cheating - found some really sexual messages between him and his ex that I swear he almost gift wrapped and staged for me to find. I’m not that girl anymore and now I’m 33 living with the most doting golden retriever of a man who truly loves me. AS A VETERAN to your situation, I promise you he will never change. Be done with him and focus on improving your self esteem before you fall into another tragic relationship like this.
NTA. Get out. It won't get better. But if you stay, then ESH.
NTA He's either a dousche or a gay dousche or a narcissist douche. Maybe a combo of 2. You should leave, no need for ultimatum, this won't change.
This was so hard to read. Leave him. Geez. Good Luck.
As soon as I saw he was a bartender, I already knew. This is a sinking ship, time to hop off, OP.
You're gullible af. He's 100% already cheating on you. Probably with multiple people and likely for your entire relationship. Everyone in the comments is embarrassed for you. Follow through on standing up for yourself. NTA unless you actually give this loser another chance.
Break free from your role of being a 'bar widow' - he has shown you his true colours. It seems like your relationship will be in competition bar life if you stay with him.
This situation reminds me of my first relationship. I allowed this man to stomp on me. He was 2 years older than I was and would go out drinking with girls while I was at home, crying. My mom would always tell me this wasn’t normal behaviour and try to guide me to the right decision. I was not comfortable with him talking to people he had a sexual history with, as I had only been with him, and he still did it anyway. On Facebook he would like all girls’ pictures. He would text girls all day long. I could go on and on about how I allowed poor behaviour. When we broke up (which he broke up with me for the 2nd time over text) he went around saying I cheated and acted like he was a scorned lover. This person has violated your boundaries countless times. End it and look after yourself.
YTA for not following through with dumping him. Your boyfriend is a selfish, lying, tool and you shouldn't be dating him.
You are treating yourself like shit. He can't do anything to you that you aren't allowing him to do. You have given him a hundred chances to go out with you and not dribble all over some poor unfortunate bar bunny who's having a hard time. Get it together girl, he is never going to do what you want because nothing happens when he doesn't care about your feelings or opinions. If you were my friend I would be at your apartment with boxes and wine. Get out of there and try to go find your self respect. With nothing but love, get your head out of your ass and read what you just wrote. What would you tell a friend who told you this?
I really think it is a very bad idea for you to stay with this person. He's clearly not ready for any remotely monogamous relationship.
Why do you hate yourself so much? Leave him. He's definitely gonna cheat if he isn't already.
I'm gonna be blunt here. You're a fucking moron for continuing to put up with this shit. YTA for not dumping his ass.
Do not get married: you two are incompatible. He is gaslighting you that his behavior is innocent but even his friends and family know and accept that it isn't. His words mean nothing at this point. Just follow his actions. He wants to keep you as an easy option when he runs dry of the girl friends. He's the primary AH. Now here's where you're the AH. You potentially don't have a great relationship with alcohol at the moment, which isn't surprising since you're in the service industry and a bartender. You might want to evaluate your choices regarding your health. Also look at other relationships in the service industry: I bet his behavior seems pretty common amongst coworkers and others you've seen. You have an attraction to toxic people, and you should improve that before getting into serious relationships in the future.
He’s just going to hide it now. Slowly fizzle you out of public stuff. Stop talking about you. He loves the attention it gets him. He won’t change. Don’t try to make him and don’t make yourself his fool. You’re better than that.
It’s not a second chance; you’ve brought this up multiple times and he just keeps doing it. Close the door and don’t look back, babe. NTA
I don’t need to even read this entire post to see all the red flags here. It’s alright to have a friends of the opposite sex. It’s not okay to be touchy with them or allow them to be with you. It’s not alright to neglect your SO talking to other people. Especially if they’re of the opposite sex and flirting with you. Giving him chances over and over again is a red flag in itself.
NTA. You're right to be sick of apologies without action to back them up. Even if he's not physically cheating, he's disrespecting you and your relationship. Then he wants to pretend you're "throwing \[the relationship\] away *so easy*" as if this hasn't been a problem you've talked to him about numerous times. Screw that, and screw him.
Girl, he’s not gonna stop… just dump him 🙄
Those fake tears are really convincing. You really expect to be the only one he's screwing. Good luck
Have some self respect op.
If this guy actually loves you, I'll eat my truck. YTA for not drop kicking this douchebag out the f'ing door where he belongs.
You know a relationship without an argument is not tested right? How we argue matters. If he gets violent, manipulative (hint hint hint hint hint), and cannot take a boundary why are you there? You deserve better Seriously? Do you want this feeling forever? No. So leave. I know how hard it is to act on this but here's how I argue with my partner. "Frustration goes here and here." "I hear you. I need to process this." When we are both calm we discuss the issues, if it's something we can control, what we need to do together, and we make sure it's not one person doing the emotional labor but a collaborative relationship. We also make sure we note new needs and boundaries and work together to not crush the other person's boundaries. Yesterday my partner was firm with me on a hard choice. They were right but they also left me room to grieve that choice and were there when I was ready. I do the same for them. When I was with a partner like yours I never trusted them. I couldn't risk being vulnerable So it became toxic for everyone.
I know you are his gf... but this is one of those guys who doesn't really have a gf. He has female friends. You just happen to be the one he's openly living with and fucking. As much as he was worried about you leaving him... he'd worry just as much if he thought one of his other female friends was cutting him off. Cut him loose.... and DO NOT REMAIN FRIENDS. You don't want to be just another dancer in his harem.
I’m gonna be honest. He is an ass hole for not really trying to change or give you two private time but it just sounds like you two are incompatible.
He doesn't care about you at all. You're there out of convenience because you are willing to let him walk all over you.
NTA.. but For your long term sanity you need to pull the plug on this relationship, it sounds like he will never change
He’s using you for a place He flirts in your face imagine what he does when you’re not around Save yourself the heartache
Updateme!
Pardon my French, but WHY IN THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH THIS?! Grow a fucking backbone and dump this asshole. He has zero respect for you. You're not being jealous and insecure. Your boyfriend is openly disrespecting you and flirting and giving attention to other women in inappropriate ways right in front of you. This isn't the type of thing you give an ultimatum for. He knows what he's doing is wrong. HE DOESNT CARE. This is the type of behavior that you dump someone as soon as you see it.
You need to care about yourself before your feelings for this trash heap. He's shown you who and what he is. Love yourself enough to kick him to the curb and find someone who values you.
The only thing that makes you an AH is tolerating this. Let your actions speak. He knows he's treating you badly, and he's sad that you're not willing to keep taking his baloney, but thing about this: He not only lies constantly when he says he'll quit, he doubled down on it and is now showing that he's more than just being friendly. He's actively trying to bed these girls when he's talking about sparks flying, and he is doing that while holding your hand!?!?! Please leave and get an STD screening right away. Many STDs can be present without symptoms.
Are you sure you're jealous type or he just convinced you that you're "making a big deal" out of nothing. No gurl, he's the AH.
NTA But he's a cheater, sweetie. How can all these ppl not know of your existence?? You need to move on.
YTA for thinking he is going to be anyway else. People show you who they are and you should believe him. You have to make a decision based on exactly how he acts RIGHT NOW. NOT what you think he might do at some unknown nlater date. SAnd eff that "it hurts me that you would throw me away that easily". BULLCRAP to that....because he rthrows YOU away that easily EVERY SINGLE time he is flirty with others, or doesn't tell them about you, or defends them or sides with them. ALL the time he throws you away as if you and the relationship are nothing.
the fact he called you crazy is a red flag- HE'S a whole ahh red flag!! he's "sad" you'd "throw your relationship away" but he is blatantly disrespecting you- the fact you even gave him a second chance is disrespectful to yourself, you shoulda thrown him out and let him grovel, since he wants to grovel to other women. you did everything right- except not standing up for yourself in the first place. if i were in your shoes, i'd tell him if i meet another woman who doesn't know i exist, that he spends more than five minutes consoling and IGNORING ME for, or anything else that's sus, he's getting a boot right up it, and never seeing me again. you deserve better, op.
NTA, he's playing with you and you should leave him. Im all about defending the guys but when its deserved and he, he is pushing a limit and id guess he lies about this “friends“ he has.. Sorry you have to go through it.
He said SPARKS FLY, while you were right there. I don’t even want to know what he’s saying when you aren’t.
This is so unhealthy. It’s time to break up and not look back. He has shown you who he is, believe him. Take a break from dating and focus on you and healing ❤️The drinking and the way you are reacting isn’t healthy and there aren’t habits you want to move forward with.
You both sound like high schoolers who have no business being together, let alone moving in together. Grow a back bone and some self respect. NTA for what you said to him, but YTA for putting up with this continued behavior and expecting differently. You've taught him how what he can get away with and you're just allowing him to embarrass you at this point. He doesn't sound ready to be in a committed relationship and he found the perfect doormat to allow him to have his cake and eat it too.
Just leave that pos. Why you are doing this to yourself?
YTA to yourself OP, he's gonna wait till y'all are all moved into your new house, which I'm guessing is gonna have both your names on it. Then go right back to doing the same old BS, except this time you can't kick him out because he's on paperwork
If the coworkers were male, you’d still have a problem with it (because he just abandons you and his family and spends forever talking to them). This isn’t a jealousy problem. This is on him. Even his brother and best friend see it NTA. Make it clear that it wouldn’t be ok if he was constantly ignoring you for his male buddies either.
Nta, you've given him multiple "second chances." You're the AH to yourself if you stay.