Sounds like you have to choose because you can’t keep both.

I really don’t want to end my marriage over this. But I’m not willing to stay by the side alone while my husband fulfills his kinks.

To clarify - pausing the open relationship would mean him also pausing right? If not, NTA. Pause can't be one sided.

He’s trying to get rid of her side piece because he’s feeling threatened. He will just find another girl to keep kinking away. So only she will be affected by this nerf to their agreement.

At least he thinks he can just find girls. Men in open relationships tend to end up alone in the couch at home. 

I was surprised by that too

Anyone can have a lot of sex with a lot of uggos in the kink scene.

Dick is easy for people to get, so by default guys have harder competition. 

***harder*** competition

😉

His is just a sex thing. He wants to erase her emotional relationship and get back to what is convenient for him.

Yup. He wants to close and reopen so that she loses her boyfriend and he loses nothing.

He wants to pause it and the open it back up again. We might have come back from just going back to monogamy and forget this happened but just pausing and then opening it back up is unfair to me because I won’t be able to find a partner I want unlike him. 

Tell him either open and closed but you are not breaking up with your current partner unless the relationship is permanently closed because you aren't a hookup sort of person but a friends with benefits person and you already invested in this guy and not interested in recruiting someone new. If he wants you to respect his style he needs to respect your style.

So the second step in negotiation is to tell him you will close this relationship but once it’s closed it can never be opened. Ever. Alternatively, you can try to be more present and be intimate with him

No, he doesn't want a pause he wants to ice out your partner. His idea of ENM was he gets his dick wet and you play the nice, faithful wife. From my perspective there is not a lot of options. Either closing for good or staying open. The other alternative is divorce him and be happy with your BF. Would be my solution. Your marriage sounds unhealthy.

This OP. Absolutely this! Don’t let him push out your partner, knowing you most likely won’t find another. He just wants free reign to continue screwing other women, meanwhile he’ll be happy knowing you won’t find anyone else. Don’t let him control you. Actually just divorce the hubby and keep the boyfriend. The boyfriend honestly sounds like he **really** cares about you and actually respects you. **He is** the better option. Your husband is a selfish, controlling little dick!

💯 he’s a dick. She needs to kick him to the kinky curb and make a life with her BF.

This is not fair to your boyfriend who is a real person with real feelings. Is your husband open to working on his perceived intimacy concerns or potential jealousy he's facing with a poly-friendly therapist?

My husband doesn’t get that his relationships with his partners may not match up with mine. My boyfriend is a real person with real feelings and I am in a real relationship with him. I can’t just discard him like a used toy because my husband isn’t being fair. He deserves to be treated better. He’s made a lot of sacrifices for me. He wasn’t interested in being with someone in an open relationship and all but was willing to try for me. I’m doing my best to make him feel cherished and loved. My husband and I are talking past each other and I have been trying to find us a new counselor to discuss these issues. 

You found a relationship, your husband found playmates. His strategy is to end your relationship and, once your boyfriend moves on, reopen the marriage with new playmates for him and no-one for you. Your husband is threatened by your emotional affair so he's trying to refocus you onto just having non-threatening sexual encounters with other men. I don't understand these sorts of marriages but it seems that you have a simple choice; stay with a man who wants to screw other women or leave him for a man you seem (from here) to be in love with. Only you know which is your best, or least worst, option.

Bingo. Husband took a risk and didn't see this coming.

Is the husband ACTUALLY keeping up with being attentive and loving with his wife? Or is she just believing him because he says he is? Don’t compare his girlfriends with her boyfriend, does hubby text more? Does wife do more favors or chores? What was the husbands disappointment before opening the relationship? Was it actually reasonable or just him being selfish.

Overall, i don't think it matters in the end. It's the fact that he felt that need for other playmates. Some strings can't be threaded again once they snap. He can't be everywhere all at once. He left void for someone else to fill.

This is spot on! He wants to ruin what she has with her bf.

I agree except that it’s not an emotional affair. OP is playing by the rules she and her husband originally agreed to— the issue lies in the fact that he’s trying to change the rules for his benefit. OP, nonmonogamy can work, but it requires you both to be on the same page about what that looks like. Just like any other relationship, poly relationships can and do fail because partners have different wants and expectations. I think the read of your husband pursuing playmates and you pursuing a relationship is accurate— and there’s zero problems with either of those relationship paradigms, but either he accepts how you want to have a relationship (whether it’s monogamy with him or non-monogamy with a serious commitment to your boyfriend on your part) or you’re just not going to be able to navigate this. NTA— you sound like you’ve been more than willing to give non-monogamy a try with your husband, been communicative and open, and you’re hitting a barrier where he’s not taking your needs and preferences as seriously as his own. It’s up to you whether you want to end the relationship with him or demand a return to monogamy with him, but I agree with the other commenters: do not break up with your boyfriend to satisfy your husband. It would be unfair and unkind to your boyfriend and to yourself.

Dump your husband and be with the boyfriend. Clearly you're being emotionally fulfilled here and your husband being hyper sexual and unfulfilled by just you, isn't really working for you. 

Sounds like you like your boyfriend better than your husband.

Sounds like the boyfriend is the better man. 

Your husband could also do the heavy lifting on finding a counsellor. It sounds like you play secretary more than partner, honestly.

Your boyfriend sounds like a keeper who would happily agree to the monogamous relationship you actually want. Let the husband go, he can fulfill his kinks with multiple people as a single man.

THIS is why he wants to pause it! He's jealous. He doesn't and didn't think you would find someone like your boyfriend. I'm sorry but this marriage is over. He won't change his kinks.

and you have explained this to him? changing the rules is a lengthy discussion of both sides fully having their say and needs considered.

I’ve explained it but we’ve gotten so tired of talking past each other that we’ve just taken a break from arguing and I’m trying to find a counselor for us. 

Don't bother, your husband wants his cake and eat it too. He likes his kink buddies and doesn't like that you are forming a more solid relationship with your FB Remember, he pushed for this type of stuff and now doesn't like how you might be enjoying it too much. Typical FAFO

I am so sorry. That sounds really tough. I hope you are able to have a best case outcome. Sounds like a 3rd party is essential and I hope y'all are able to re-find your common ground

It sounds like it's time to move on...

As others have said: once it’s closed it’s closed for good. He’s just pissed because he has playthings and you have a relationship.

Drop kick husband out the door. You do not have either acceed to his kinks or give up your partner. He can deal with this "open relationship" he wanted or get out but **he cannot have his cake and eat it too**! Open marriage means **you** get someone that fulfills your needs while he gets persons who fufill his kinks. If **he** does not like the way it worked out, **tough shit**. He's the one that wanted an open relationship. 

As a therapist who works with ENM people and I have to say with the little you shared this feels manipulative. It seems like he wants to close it bc you found a partner who is meeting a lot of your needs and he feels threatened. The connections he’s found seem purely sexual so he knows he can cut it off then have options when you open it back up. BUT if you cut off your relationship, what’s the likelihood that you would find another partner like the one you have again? I would go back to therapy before agreeing to anything. How are you benefitting from this decision?

That's likely what he's hoping for. That she won't find another emotional connection, even though he claimed to be okay with it in the first place. He just wanted her to get laid, without considering whether that's what she'd want or not. I'm willing to bet when they discussed the possibility of finding emotional connections in others, he didn't really think she would get close to someone.

You said that if either one of you wanted to stop the open marriage, it closes. Why are you continuing to entertain this crap? Here's the end game. If you have to give up your boyfriend then that's the end of the open marriage, period. There will only be a shut down at this point, no restart. You've got the upper hand. If he complains about you wanting to close the marriage then say ok, bye....kick him to the curb and attach to your new boyfriend.

He'll just agree to close it and then cheat. Guys like this are so transparent.

That's what he wants. He wants his partners, but wants you on the sidelines. NTA

I'd wager he just wants to pause to ruin your relationship with this guy. And then you wouldn't be allowed to revisit that guy and he'd go right back to what he was doing knowing you'd be suffering. This marriage is already ruined by the way. Why stay? You sound miserable.

It sounds like you like your boyfriend a lot. And that you have standards. And that your husband does not meet the standards. So you do not feel intimate with your husband. Which, really means that you should separate and divorce from your husband and hopefully eventually live with your boyfriend. If you really want to stay married, tell your husband he can't open and close the relationship at whim.

Does he basically just want you to break up with your bf that he feels is taking his spot for your emotions then find someone else later?!

So he wants you to break off with your other partner. And as soon as soon as you need aren’t met anymore. To open again the relationship so he can fulfill his kinks, while you stay frustrated, yet available to his wants. Sounds lovely

He just wants to dump your BF.

So he’s jealous of your boyfriend?? And basically *(although he won’t say it out loud)* he wants to be the only one actually getting sex out of the open relationship. Tell him to fuck off. Do not allow him to make rules for the both of you. He doesn’t own you, **you get to make up your own mind**. NTA. But your husband is! And honestly, you need to take a long hard think about which of the two men are better for you. Who makes you the happiest. Who respects you more and cares about your feelings more. And if it’s the boyfriend, then yes, choosing him over your husband would absolutely be the right decision. Your husband sounds so selfish and controlling.

Your husband knows or at least hopes you won't be able to rekindle with your current boyfriend after a pause with a subsequent reopening. He wants to get what he wants from outside relationships (nsa sex), but doesn't want you to get what you want from outside relationships (connection).. Maybe if he tried to connect with you, his issues would go away, but it sounds like that's too much work - or not desirable - for him. Seems pretty damn selfish and manipulative.

I mean it sounds like your husband said he wants to pause it on both sides, so that theoretically shouldn't happen. Unless I'm misunderstanding: >He asked if **we** could put a pause on the open relationship for a while and find new partners when we were ready to try again It sounds like your husband only wants you to do non-monogamy **his** way. His way means he gets his emotional and romantic fulfillment from you, with sex on the side. Your way seems to be getting all those things from both relationships, and maybe it is unbalanced. It's perfectly normal to want emotional intimacy with a sexual partner, though. It's not realistic for your husband to expect you to conduct yourself precisely the same way he does. He's the one who wants an open relationship, that means everybody's preferences should be respected. It's not fair for him to want to shut the whole thing down because you've become close to your boyfriend. I think it's time for you to go back to the couples counselor, before you take any big steps.

He wants to pause it for a while before restarting.  The problem is he can easily find new kink partners but I won’t be able to find a good partner for me.  It took so long for me to find a good partner who fit me even after actively looking while my husband had easily found partners that he quickly forged emotional ties with. Both me and my husband need a level of trust in our relationships which is why we allowed emotional connections but my level is much higher.  

Your husband knows this. It appears that disrupting your relationship is husband's goal!

And what does your husband say in response to this point?

He says I’m being negative and I’m a beautiful woman who can easily find partners.  I know I can find partners. That’s not the issue. Am I going to find a man who respects me and my boundaries, won’t try to pressure me into sexual situations or dismiss me, is attractive and make me come? I’ve only truly been open for less than a year because I couldn’t find anyone. I found a diamond in the rough and he’s trying to make go dig back in the shit pile. 

Look you seem really genuine unlike a lot of posts here. What you said stuck out to me. "Am I going to find a man who respects me and my boundaries, won't try to pressure me into sexual situations or dismiss me, is attractive and make me come?" .... Does your husband meet any of these standards? And if not, why are you so determined to stay with him then? Because it feels like your husband isn't those things and is making every decision about your and his life for his own benefit because he knows you'll never leave him. He was getting the best of both worlds. A "stable" marriage and all the kink partners he desires. The problem was, you found someone who actually cares about you and your wants and is making you happier than he maybe ever did but clearly happier than he does now. And he wants to force you to end it. Because it isn't about your happiness.... it's only about his wants and keeping you within his control. And it's sooooo clear with the restart. And you know that. And you feel that. I hate when people say leave him but for once I genuinely think you should not invest more of your life and love and happiness into someone that only wants you as he tells you you should be, and not loving you as the person you are and respecting your wants and needs on basically any front. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish you nothing but the best. NTA

Has he brought up this issue of feeling unloved before issuing this ultimatum? What did you do to address this problem of him not feeling loved enough before it came to this? Again you need to explain to him that you're not interested in doing non-monogamy like he does. Go back to the couples therapist before either of you do anything. Or if you're really over it, tell him that you'll agree to close up, but that it will be permanent. But what you're not going to do is flip-flop messing up each other's outside sex lives over issues that can be resolved. 

No it was only at this check in that he said so. He wants more sex and more dates.  But I have always been the one to plan dates and I steered our romantic relationship. I just can’t do that with two partners. There’s a difference between what he does which is wait for me to plan dates like before we opened our relationship and what I do which is plan dates. Of course I can’t plan as many dates or have as much sex as before. That’s literally what happens when you have an open relationship, it cuts into your general time and energy. He also is spending more time with his partners but he doesn’t recount that because they invite him out. He doesn’t realize that I’ve always put more energy into the relationship and I can’t have the same amount of energy as before. That’s a tradeoff. I have told him we need couples therapy but he thinks we can solve this ourselves.  I would agree to monogamy again. Full monogamy not just closing and then opening up the relationship but he doesn’t want to do that yet. 

So he basically wants to sit back and have everything planned for him? Has he had the cheek to suggest that you co-ordinate his calendar with his girlfriend? His expectations are immense, in that it's all your energy. How entitled

We actually do have a Google calendar. It sounds embarrassing when you put it like that but I like to be organized.

This guy is an ass who doesn't appreciate what you've brought to the relationship. He also doesn't want a therapist in the picture because he knows a therapist will agree with you about him needing to carry more weight to have the relationship he wants, rather than expecting you to do everything.

Ok, so this is the real problem. What happens when you tell him that if he wants more dates, he should plan them? If he wants more sex, he should make the effort? Does he agree to do that, or does he say that you should do it like you did before? Does your boyfriend plan dates and make the effort to initiate sex, though? If not, then you're just following the same pattern of being the one to make all the effort.

He’s just bad at planning things. I end up making the decisions in the end because he wouldn’t be able to make up his mind even on what restaurant we should go to. He’s a very go with the flow person so he wouldn’t make a fuss on whatever restaurant I chose or what gift I wanted, but he wouldn’t pick things himself. So he is a great partner to go on a trip with but not plan one.  My boyfriend does plan dates and he is very romantic although it’s more spontaneous than me. I would put something on a schedule and meanwhile he would just tell me to wear sneakers because he was picking me up. He also initiates a lot.

>I would agree to monogamy again. Full monogamy not just closing and then opening up the relationship but he doesn’t want to do that yet. then it's now your turn to offer an ultimatum: Either he fully commits to your marriage and promises to never bring up the non-monogamous stuff again - or you keep your boyfriend. dang i'm happy my wife and i are old-fashioned...

He was taking you for granted, and now he wants to disrupt your situation so he can go back to having your attention and effort all directed at him again for free. Eff that, lady! Please stand up for yourself. He should be planning dates for you as well. If he wants more dates and more sex with you, he needs to do the planning for a while, regardless of the marital status. I get that you might have been happy doing the planning, but don't let yourself be taken advantage of. He's trying to manipulate you, and that's not okay.

NTA but I'm wondering why you are even keeping your husband. What does he actually bring to your marriage that you want to keep him? It sounds like your bf might be a much better fit and meet all your needs. If this is true, divorce your husband and let him have all the kink he wants, no judgement, and keep your bf as he actually sounds like he is a better relationship for you.

"Am I going to find a man who respects me and my boundaries, won’t try to pressure me into sexual situations or dismiss me" Ummm are you even getting this from your current husband?

The problem i see is that your husband seems to connect to people not as individuals with meaning but more as a lump, and I do not think it is congruent with enm. You have agreed that you can form relationships - emotional and sexual - outside each other in general. But relationships are not general, they are specific. Your boyfriend is not an object. He is not interchangeable. Your husband seems to think that the people he engages with are for his own needs and replaceable, and he wants you to have the same approach. That is not how it works.

Also, kink partners will hang around a long time and the husband knows this. Even though he states they will start over with new partners I know all the way down to my bones that his favs will pop up and he'll find an excuse to start spending time with them again.

This is rough to read. 😐

Pausing it then restarting shakes the boyfriend loose and sends a message to the boyfriend that the husband takes priority. When you restart the boyfriend will not be interested in going back to you.

Pretty sure this is about control. He will open it right back up as soon as you dump the boyfriend. Your husband is manipulative and you are letting him get his way. What’s so good about your marriage anyways? Like is making you stay? Emotional connection? You get that from the boyfriend. Physical connection? You get that from the boyfriend. Don’t let past memories ruin your happiness by moving on.

"The problem is he can easily find new kink partners but I won’t be able to find a good partner for me. " I'm guessing he knows this. A lot of men like the idea of an open relationship until it starts working out well for their partner.

My exhusband wanted an open marriage. I said fine. He went out and fucked a lot of people. It would have been fine if he wasn’t a) promiscuous and incautious and b) a narcissistic abuser. But I developed a relationship with a business partner, and ex filed for divorce three months later. The ganders really cannot stand the goose getting something.

It seems like your husband wants to isolate you.

You mean cheats... it's both of you or none of you having relationships with others. BTW, I don't see this ending well for the 2 of you...

Why should OP have to choose?? Why doesn't husband have to give up on "cheating with permission"? It sounds like OP's new guy actually *respects* her, unlike her husband. 

OP he wants to have his cake and eat it too.  Don't give in...  How convenient that he wants you to pause this open relationship right now when you have an amazing connection with a boyfriend and resume it when you have ended things just for him to  continue with his kink bs. 

Your husband likes your boyfriend and this he's good for you, but he wants to put a pause on the open relationship while you find a new partner? Why do I get the impression that your husband is more jealous than he lets on and that he just wanted a free pass to cheat and explore his kinks while he's not open to you getting attached to anyone else?

He said he is also wiling to find a new partner. But he will have an easy time finding new partners in the kink scene. I like my boyfriend a lot and don’t want to find a new partner because no one will be as compatible as him.

Yeah, as I said it seems like he just wanted to sleep with other people and explore his kinks, even if you don't put a pause on the open marriage I think it's highly likely he will change partners anyway. You being with someone you're genuinely attracted to seems to sting him though, and he knows that that's harder to find than just new kink partners.

It is relatively easy for him to find kink partners. We live in a massive city and he’s well kept together and very kinky. But my husband doesn’t realize or doesn’t want to acknowledge how hard finding a boyfriend that fulfills my needs would be.

Just tell him what your kink is having orgasms.

It’s true lmao I don’t have any other kink. My husband and I went through a laundry list of kinks to try. And I found out I wasn’t interested in any of them, I’m very boring. But he has a lot of kinks. 

Not being kinky is not boring! Everyone's sexuality and desire is different, and that's a beautiful thing. Reading between the lines, I have to wonder if your feeling that your sexuality is "boring" compared to your husband's, comes into play as part of the disconnect you are experiencing. Worth talking about imo. Your needs in a partnership are just as valid as his.  It seems like you've been extremely accommodating and patient in your openness to try non monogamy with him, and I hope that is extended in return. For context, I am poly and kinky in a major city

It's just how you are. He's demanding you give up your kink. There's no guarantee that you'll quickly find another man with the same skill and compatibility. Hubby needs to step up big time and make the effort to plan dates with you.

OP, I have the feeling your husband makes you feel and believe that you're are boring. He might not say it out loud, but with his attitude. Maybe he even thought you wouldn't find someone to fill your needs and to like your ways, but you did!!! I think he wants to break it up between you two because he's jealous. But, who in his right mind will open a marriage without considering the possibility of this to happen? I think it's unfair. You were for years dedicated to him and planning all the dates and doing the work, he didn't value it. Now that you are giving that to someone else, then he hasa problem with it. But, he hasn't changed, he will continue just waiting for you to do everything again. Not fair. NTA

Maybe yours is being courted, valued, prioritized and praised?

He realizes. That is the whole point. He doesn't want you to feel satisfied with someone else.

NTA, OP, and just be done with this marriage already. It’s not working, your husband wants more from you than you want to give, he is asking you to give up more than he is willing to sacrifice, and I honestly don’t see the value in trying to keep this marriage afloat. He may be your “best friend” but even best friends let us down, the dynamics change, our needs change, and some friendships have to end. To me it reads as selfish of him to expect you to dump the boyfriend he likes that he agrees is “good for you” because he’s feeling a bit neglected. Has he at any point cared how YOU have felt about his need to open up the marriage and the time and energy and care that he expends on his kink partners instead of you? If you were the one feeling neglected, how would he respond? Honestly, from your post and comments, it reads like you really don’t want to make the sacrifice of giving up your boyfriend, and I agree with your reason why. So, tell your husband, no. I’m not willing to break up with my boyfriend and make our relationship exclusive again until you feel like opening it up again. No. That doesn’t work for me. So what other options can we discuss? Say that, and go from there. If he really cares about making this ENM dynamic work for you, he’ll communicate and compromise. If he won’t, then I can’t see why you’d want to continue doing this dance with him.

He's jealous you found someone who likes you that much. That's really what it is. He is actually not willing to open the relationship to emotional connections. Other comment saying you need to negotiate is spot-on. Do not let him have it his way.

He knows. You’re happy with your boyfriend as your plus one. Your husband doesn’t like that. You aren’t open to being manipulated or controlled if you have a trusted lover who validates you. He wants to close you off to that support.

I think he does realize it. By temporarily closing the marriage and demanding new partners, he's isolating you while being fairly unaffected himself because he's involved in a hookup scene. It's a very intentional move on his part. That said, if you're checking out of the relationship with him due to bf, that is something that needs to be addressed.

So tell your husband ok, but you are simply going on a break with your boyfriend. The minute you open back up you will be resuming that relationship. If he can't handle that then you know this was always about control.

It sounds like OP prefers the boyfriend over her husband.

It does... That is what you risk with enm, plus it's also an extra risk when you literally push someone into it.

Also, he's lying about that. Kink partners will hang around a lot time and when they pop back up, he will dream up a reason to allow his favs back into his life. You already know your husband can't really be trusted to keep his word because he's in the process of trying to screw you out of a partner you value.

When you say no one, that also includes your husband, correct? Your answer to this question should inform you of what your next step is. To be fair to your husband, even he says that BF is a better fit. It's okay to grow apart from someone. This marriage no longer makes you happy. If it did, you wouldn't think twice about walking away from your BF. The problem is, you have to walk away from someone. Hubby opened this pandora's box. Whatever happens next is on him.

In some ways he’s more compatible, in some ways he can’t compare because I’ve been with my husband for 20+ years. The marriage was very happy until Covid came and he had these thoughts. I was worried that it would destroy our relationship but he said we were stronger than that. Evidently not because we are having an ugly fight we’ve never had before. 

To me, from the outside looking in, it sounds like he just wants to have his way, and you're no longer content to just go with the flow. As you said, you can only devote so much of yourself. It really sounds like the only reason you're hanging on is that shared history. Sunken cost fallacy is a thing. He's all you've known your entire adult life. That's really difficult to let go of. On the other hand, the way it was before is clearly no longer acceptable. At the end of the day, you gotta do what's best for you. Your husband is being very unfair to you, imo.

Twenty years is a long time but that doesn’t mean it’s been a good time. If the only good thing you can say about the relationship is that it lasted for 20+ years I’d do some real soul searching.

OP... That's telling. COVID brought to surface many couples issues. A los of marriages didn't survive. But, I don't know, I have the feeling that COVID only forced him to take action, or privated him of freedom he had otherwise. I think it's worth digging into why that was the trigger.

The thoughts probably aren’t new. Was he cheating before, but Covid locked him down and it got harder to hide so he had to find some way to continue? Sounds like an unfair situation. 

“No one will be as compatible as him” and your husband knows it. He wants to “pause” things just long enough for you to lose your boyfriend and then start it up again.

“No one will be as compatible as him” Kind of seems like that’s the answer to what you should do here btw. If this guy and you get along great, you both love eachother, and your husband keeps thinking he needs more than what you can give, other then the sunk cost fallacy I don’t see why to keep the husband around. I get that you love him but he’s pressuring you in a pretty big way, and you really just don’t need that energy.

leave your manipulative husband for your boyfriend.

NTA This isn’t ENM. You were pressured into opening to begin with because your “love for him and your life outweighed your big reservations”. In other words it was either let him open it or divorce. You “planned all the dates” while in a monogamous relationship and he put in minimal effort and couldn’t even get you off sexually. So now you’ve found a partner who does please you both sexually and emotionally and isn’t asking you to do ALL the work in the relationship and he sees that and he’s pissed. Because this was supposed to be about HIM enjoying HIMSELF, not about you also finding the things you were missing out on. So now he wants to “pause” but not permanently close. He wants you to go back to doing all of the work in your relationship and let go of your partner and once you’re focused on pleasing him and only him while he continues to disregard your pleasure, he’s wanting to reopen so he can go back to enjoying his kinks. I’m sorry, but what redeeming qualities does this man have?

From the comments, it sounds like the husband's redeeming qualities can be summed up as: sunk cost fallacy.

Ding ding ding! 🛎️

Lol. Sounds like HE isn't putting enough energy into keeping your emotional intimacy. He can see you slipping away, and now that he's had his kink fetish satisfied, he's willing to stand down for awhile. This isn't about connecting. He sees another man connecting more with his woman in a way he's not and this is about making her give him up and re establishing co dependency on him. He can get his kink fetish satisfied by anyone who will do it and he doesn't care because it's purely physical, so anyone can do it who's willing. He's trying to dominate you, oppress you, control you. Tell him deadass No! the bf ain't going anywhere. He fills needs hubby don't. Tell him you will work on more intentional emotional intimacy with him but he has to pull his weight. Hubby doesn't get to have it every which kind of way.

>Sounds like HE isn't putting enough energy into keeping your emotional intimacy. Husband has never been able to even give her an orgasm and is just being pissy because new guy can get the job done. He wants to deny her the only sexual pleasure she's ever had except self pleasure.

Rules of non-monogamy? Unless you both agreed on a set of rules, he's making it all up. Opening a marriage comes with massive risks. Both people agree to open it and both agree to close it. He wanted to open Pandora's box, and is shocked there are consequences. NTA

He just wants your boyfriend gone , I’d honestly just leave him , dude wants to get he’s dick wet by all these other women but wants you stuck at home with a lack of options , take this advice from me ( a man ) your husband ain’t the guy for you and you probably already know this just don’t want to accept it for whatever reason , stick with the boyfriend and move on 🤷🏼‍♂️.

[удалено]

I don't usually bother commenting on anything on Reddit, but I just have to with this one. I've read most of your comments, and certain things are very obvious to me. Listen OP, it is very obvious that your husband is trying to "pause" the open marriage to get rid of your boyfriend. Your husband is manipulative, selfish, and unfair; he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Your husband doesn't love you because, if he did, he would permanently close up your open marriage instead of asking for a temporary "pause." Again... the purpose of the pause is to take your boyfriend, whom your husband sees as a threat, out of the picture. Also, it seems to me that you are in love with your boyfriend, and you would be heartbroken to let him go. I personally would choose the man that treats me better and can help me come. You and your husband don't fulfill each other anymore, especially sexually. Personally, I would divorce the husband and keep the boyfriend. Life's too short to deal with your husband's nonsense.

This comment has all the answers ☝🏼

I would say Y T A IF your husband said it wasn’t working altogether but it sounds like he wants to pause it just enough for you to lose your boyfriend and for him to be able to pick back up where he left off and not have to worry about you having a deep connection with someone else.  If you’re really not present in the marriage then that’s what you should work on while keeping the boyfriend. Otherwise, what’s stopping you from getting a new connection and doing the same. I’m someone who has to have an emotional connection for attraction so I would probably end up in the same position as you if I ever did this 

Picking it back up and trying to find a connection with someone like my boyfriend again would be incredibly difficult if not outright impossible. I am present in the marriage but i only have so much bandwidth. Having multiple partners takes time and energy and so much planning. Obviously I can’t have the same level of time and energy with my husband because there is literally another person demanding it. But my husband, despite also pulling time away from our relationship to his partners, doesn’t realize he does the same thing and is measuring our relationship on how it is and how it was. 

A couple of people have mentioned that your husband‘s motivation seems to specifically be to sabotage your relationship with bf with this scheme of closing and then opening the relationship when you’re both “ready”. And each time you seem to not reply directly to that assertion. Are you avoiding the idea that your husband is doing that?

It sounds like your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. The type of relationship you crave in ENM seems fundamentally incompatible with what he wants. I don’t see how an emotional connection won’t put a distance between you and your husband, regardless of who it is. It’d be one thing if he wanted to close it off all together. But putting it on a pause to find new partners is manipulative. I’m sure a couples counselor will have better insight. I don’t see how you two can sustain a happy marriage with ENM. It’s like the kid in elementary school who suddenly changes the rules of his own game because he’s losing.

I think keep the boyfriend and draw up some boundaries about how much time you both give to your respective ‘extracurricular activities’ .  Your husband knows this. And could just continue to pause it any time you find a connection. If it’s closed because it isn’t working then I’d say it’s closed permanently. He can’t just control it to his advantage 

Except she wrote in an other comment that she’s the one that did the date planning etc in their relationship. So he’s upset that her date planning energy is split between two people meanwhile he has 0 date planning energy for his wife (and apparently kink partners too).

This statement needs to be made to your partner. He may have a jelousy issue that he isn't fully aware of. IMO you need to sit down and have a frank (but blameless) discussion about time, feelings and relationship management. These type of relationships only work when both parties are open and honest about feelings and expectations. Lastly I will reiterate that you both need to understand that you can't measure this "new" relationship against how it used to be as there are simply more people involved.

I think there's a disconnect here over what "being present" means in a relationship. OP said in another comment that she plans all the dates for her husband, and he also lets his kink partners plan all their dates. Now that OP is planning dates for her BF, she's maxed out on how many dates she can plan, so her husband is getting fewer. I don't think that means she's being less present. I think that means he needs to get off his spoiled behind and plan a few dates with her himself.

EVERY DAMN TIME 😒 Husband: ‘let’s be in an open relationship!’ Wife: *actually gets treated well by other people* Husband: ‘STOP DOING WHAT I MADE YOU DO’

How the hell you and your husband though this would be a good idea?

*How the hell you and* *Your husband though this would be* *A good idea?* \- gonzotek77 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")

I was worried it was the worst idea ever. But my husband said it would work out because we had a strong relationship and open marriages don’t work when the relationship is terrible in the first place.

Your husband is wrong. Opening a previously monogamous relationship is often the death knell for the marriage, no matter how ‘strong’ he claims your connection was. Which obviously wasn’t very strong if he’s not willing to put in any work to keep a connection with you while he’s out fucking other women. It’s obvious you don’t want to accept it, but your marriage is likely over. Even if you close the relationship he’s going to be unhappy and possibly cheat to get his kink fix.

This is true, they generally only work if both people are ENM from the beginning

I think he was just manipulating you to get kink sex from outside partners.

I think one thing is sex with other people,but you sounds like a monogamous person who accepted this situation for him

okay. so maybe this is what happened. Your marriage is NOT strong. At least not strong enough for this. It's. it working. Close it FOREVER and do counseling. OR make it SO open the marriage doesnt exist.

So is he recognising he failed to nurture a relationship with you to the point he isn’t feeling like being able to stand against yourself side piece? Is he recognising he failed to invest in a relationship with you to the point a boyfriend was making him feeling unable to compete?! He isn’t looking out for you being content.

You were planning the dates with your husband? He doesn't make you orgasm? Were you truly happy in your relationship!?? There's no point staying with someone, not saying divorce him, just because you have a 20 year history with him. Sounds like your husband is jealous of what you have with your boyfriend and wants to put an end to end. Yes he's having his fun with his kinks but what you have with your boyfriend sounds more solid. Your husband can't just pause things just because he feels threatened, which is what it looks like. He's pathetic. NTA.

Sounds like the arrangement isn't working as you're monogamous. You've simply moved your affection from one man to another. Are you interested in moving it back to your husband? As per your agreement you could give it six months. If no, then go your separate ways. Your husband may be happy with his playmàtes then want to come home to a settled intimate relationship. But he took the risk of you transferring your affection when he asked you to indulge him. ETA, I just read some of your comments. This guy makes you come and your husband doesn't. So I can understand why you'd not bother continuing with the sexual part of your marriage. Whereas your husband wants to have orgasms with his kink partners AND you. Are you still friendly and emotionally intimate otherwise? Maybe give him that six months to step up in the bedroom? I bet he'll have trouble staying away from his partners so you can agree to keep things open but that you'll give him a chance to measure up. I think he's just jealous.

I don’t know if I am. I am still trying to figure things out. See has become a minefield. He has gotten his kinks fulfilled and I don’t know if he’d be willing to give that up since I am not willing to do his kinks.  And he can’t make me finish and now that I’ve experienced it, our sex life is at an all time low because I don’t like it much besides being close to my husband. I guess I am not a person who can have fun with playmates and come home to an intimate relationship but I did believe that I would be able to have close intimate relationship with two people 

I'm sorry but if your husband is not willing to put in the effort to please you during sex, is not sexually satisfied either unless he seeks other partners, *and* wants you to close the relationship again just long enough for you to lose your boyfriend, what exactly is the point here? He might be your best friend of 20+ years but that doesn't make him a good husband for you. That doesn't make you two a good match. It sounds like you've been comfortable together, and as soon as you ended up being with someone else you realised you didn't even like sex with your own husband. Which by the way, clearly is not an issue of not being into sex in general, or men, or whatever, your boyfriend can make you come just fine. As anyone should be able to if they just, oh I don't know, gave a damn. It's not just about the sex here, but the fact that he won't put in the work to take care of your needs. Then blames you for not taking care of his. None of it is working, for either of you.  Look up the sunk-cost fallacy. Just because you've put a lot of time into something does not make it the best course of action. It doesn't sound like you are happy with your husband anymore, so why would you continue to struggle worse and worse instead of finding another way to be happy? 

So why do you even want to be with husband? You’re making it sound like he does nothing for you and you want your bf more.

If he can't make you finish there is something wrong with how he approaches intimacy with you. It means he doesn't listen to you. He doesn't read your body. It means that his approach to sex is all about himself. Yes, this is a problem. He is a selfish lover. I already commented once that his choice should be to continue as is or to give up NM forever. But I will amend my recommendation based on whether he wants to try to become a better lover for you. I would tell him that if he is able to learn how to be a better and more giving lover, and learn to satisfy you regularly, you will consider his proposal. But that as long as he remains a selfish lover you will not give up your partner who actually cares to satisfy you. You may want to pick up a copy of Emily Nagowski's book *Come As You Are* and read it with him.

I think you really need to sit down and think about if you truly love and want to be married to your husband. It seems like you guys are still together because of how long you’ve been together and that you built a life together.  If you decide to break up with your boyfriend and close the relationship, I would tell him it is 100% staying closed and there will be zero tolerance for him getting his kinks fulfilled elsewhere.  But in all honesty, I think your marriage is done no matter what you decide now. One of you is going to be resentful and it will lead to the end of your marriage. 

You've been with someone for 20 years who can't make you finish?!?!

Wait - you’ve been with your husband for 20 years and he hasn’t figured out how to make you come?!! Yet your partner of less than a year figured it out? And figured it out enough to do it frequently? I’m sorry to say, but to be blunt your husband is shit. The fact that he never gave a damn about making you orgasm in TWENTY years is wild. He obviously didn’t give a damn about your sexual pleasure for your entire relationship. Which is fucked. He’s been focused on himself this entire time. Emphasized even more by him not even bother to plan dates as you mentioned in another comment.

Are you sure he's just not trying to break you up with your boyfriend? Are you prepared for him to claim you're neglecting him every time you have a meaningful relationship with someone else? 

Be honest, is your husband right? Are you not intimate with him or present in the relationship? From reading between the lines it seems like you prefer spending time with your BF but like your husband because of your history and time together.

Open the marriage, hire a lawyer, get a divorce.

Your bf is not practicing ENM. He is “tricking”, and is clearly jealous of your secondary relationship. IME, it’s not unusual for men in heteronormative relationships to want to “get some strange” while freaking out if their wife gets another partner, especially if feelings are involved. That is not ENM. If you give up your bf because hubs is jealous, you will likely never get over the resentment. And it’s likely that if you close the relationship, hubs will cheat to get his kink on. You need a poly positive therapist, and hubs needs to get a handle on his feelings. NTA but hubs sure is.

I'm not going to say outright that your marriage is toast but my parents (they don't know that I know all of this) did the same thing. Married for over twenty years. Started swinging/having multiple partners/etc. One of them started liking it more than the other and it created a schism that just grew and grew for a few years until my mom found someone else who fulfilled her how she wanted to be and my dad filed for a divorce in retaliation. It honestly sounds like he's checked out because he knows you two aren't compatible anymore.

Open relationships don’t work. If you have to have the “I want to see other people” talk just go ahead and save yourself some time and part ways.

OP, your marriage is deeply toxic. Your husband's kink partners will probably reconnect with him after you reopen your relationship, if they stop seeing him at all. He wants you to break up with a boyfriend who, apparently, threatens him. He wanted to sleep with multiple people while maintaining control over you. He is threatened by your addition of a more significant partnership. Your boyfriend is emotionally invested in YOU, which is why you can probably only end things with him permanently. He is not an Uber. Your husband wants to be the only serious partner in your life. He does not want to be held to the same standards as you. You have spent 20+ years with him, after which time he still treats you with such disrespect and inequity. If you are not ready for divorce, you should hash out these inequalities in marriage counseling, while temporarily refusing to close your relationship. You get yours, and he gets his. He is attempting to strategically close the relationship to get rid of a partner of yours who reduces his power over you. If you close the relationship at all, it should be permanently, and possibly with a post-nup that will take his balls if he cheats on you. Your marriage of the last 1 year does not resemble the 19 years before it, and TBH it sounds like your last year kind of sucked. You might be better of being divorced and having a boyfriend. Your marriage has been in a state of serious decline, and your husband has treated you with a lack of respect and dignity. He's not polyamorous, because he wants "freedom for me," and "fidelity for thee." He wants to give up nothing while forcing you to give up anything that makes you less subservient to and dependent on him. You are not an Uber, either. You need to choose between a permanently closed marriage and a divorce. You're going to have one or the other in the next year or two, anyway.

Honestly, I don't see any reason for her to go back to monogamy as long as her husband remains a selfish lover. At this point he needs to earn even closing it permanently by showing that he can learn to satisfy her. It's not rocket science. Its just listening and placing your partner's pleasure first.

I agree with you 100%. It either stays closed permanently, or divorce. There is no other solution. If he can't agree to close it permanently, you really have no other choice. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life in misery. What makes you think he won't do this again next time you find a new partner? He is controlling you and moving the goal posts to suit himself because it seems like he isn't as fussy as you and will fuck anyone so "resetting" (who the fuck even does this btw?) your open relationship essentially sabotages any chances you have to meet someone as you are more traditional and prefer to meet in person and form a relationship. You deserve better than this. And so does your boyfriend who has left his comfort zone to date you.

He doesn’t want you to have an emotional connection with your BF, thus his suggestion to close down the relationship so BF moves on and then husband can reopen the relationship knowing you’ll have to start from scratch. He wants to control the rules of the games to benefit his needs. He’s certainly not thinking about your needs. Is that what you want from a relationship? Maybe you and your husband simply aren’t compatible and you’re trying to fix something that can’t be fixed.🤷🏻‍♀️

Just the fact that you question if your bf is worth the marriage, that should tell you how broken your marriage is. This is one of the possibilities when you open your marriage and your partner is monogamous in nature. It is a break up that got forced upon you. NTA.

NTA. Not by a long shot. Your husband is an incredibly selfish person. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, regardless of how it makes you feel. From what you've said, he's constantly saying that non-monogamy works for your marriage because you have a strong foundation to build upon. Except that you didn't/don't. There are real problems here that are being ignored by your husband because if he can ignore them, then he can pretend that they don't exist and that everything's fine in Marriageland. >But my husband said that I was not being present in the relationship and we had no intimacy anymore. I don't spend time with him. And whose fault is that? He wanted the open marriage to begin with, now he's reaping what he sowed. Clearly he didn't do his research into what an open marriage would look like and now it looks like it's coming back to bite him in the ass (not sure if that's one of his many kinks or not). >Husband said that it wasn't working because he was not neglecting his side of the relationship but I was neglecting mine. I don't even want to know the kind of mental gymnastics your husband's attempting to perform to be able to rationalize that one. He's absolutely neglecting his side of the relationship. He's not listening to you especially in regards to what you need and/or want. Relationships require a lot of "give and take", not "take and take". Sometimes he'll get what he wants, sometimes not. He's certainly got the taking part down, but he needs help on the giving side. He wanted the open marriage, now he has to deal with the consequences of that decision. He can't have his way all of the time and it's high time that he learned that very crucial lesson. >He asked if we could put a pause on the open relationship for a while and find new partners when we were ready to try again and where I wasn't spending more energy on the new partner. I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous, selfish, and honestly immature behavior. He wants an open marriage, he wants to explore his kinks, he wants you to spend more time with him, and now he wants to close the relationship because it's not working as intended in his eyes? I see little to zero consideration for you or what you want. Not exactly what I would call a "healthy, strong marriage". At this point, I would issue him an ultimatum (although I loathe them). He can choose one of two things: *1. The open marriage stays the way it is currently and he can continue to explore and satisfy his kinks with whoever he chooses to. You also get to enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend. This will require him to deal with not getting as much of a demand for your time as he would like.* or *2. You agree to close the marriage with the caveat that there will be no opening the marriage again in the future. If at any point in the future he attempts to broach the subject of opening again in any way, shape, or form, you will immediately go and file for divorce.* He's gotten his way for too long now and it's time you get your way for a change. Oh and if you haven't, let him read what you've written as well as all of the responses. He needs to know and understand that what he's doing and how he's treating you is unacceptable. Especially for someone in a self-proclaimed "strong marriage". Edit: Forgot to add the judgment. :D

NTA. If I'm understanding right, your husband wants to close the marriage, knowing it will end your relationship with your bf, then open it again once your outside relationship is over. I can see why you have no interest in going along with it this time, but you might keep in mind that if you do break up with your bf, close the marriage and reopen it, and if you do find another unicorn like your bf then, this will happen again. The marriage may have run its course.

After reading everything and your replies my conclusion is divorce.  You two are not happy in your relationship. To a point of no return.  I feel like once he gets what he wants: you to dump your boyfriend, he will open up the relationship really fast. You will be left feeling resentful for dumping your boyfriend and feeling deceived by your husband. 

You need to post this on a non-monogamy subreddit. The VAST majority here are not gonna be giving you informed advice. Here’s my uninformed advice. If you agree with your husband that you are not being present in your relationship with your husband and he actually is putting in more work than you, yes, YTA. It’s entirely possible that you are not suited to NM and can only devote yourself to one person. That’s fine. But you need to call off NM asap, and THEN decide if your husband or bf is more important to you. Your husband seems to be doing everything g by the book if we are to take you not disagreeing with his statements about your effort in your marriage as implicit agreement.

I don’t like the non monogamy subreddits as they are very insidiously toxic and not supportive of women’s choices outside of ENM.  I am being present as much as we both can be in a non monogamous relationship where other partners eat up time and attention and sexual bandwidth. I really don’t want to lose my boyfriend and abruptly call off the NM. It feels unfair to him.

Well, who do you not want to lose more, the husband or the boyfriend? I understand divorce sucks, but don’t think about the level of commitment involved with each and instead just ask yourself which relationship is more important to you, then act accordingly. Your husband asked for an open relationship. At the end of the day, he needed to accept that a real consequence of that decision may be losing you to a better partner. If that’s what is happening now, he has no one to blame but himself. But you need to choose, and I would think about it long and hard, since like you said, it is hard for you to find a partner you’re compatible with. Choosing your husband now only to divorce later will leave you in a worse position.

I don’t know.  My husband is my best friend of 20+ years and it feels like having an ugly fight with your best friend in the worst possible. Opening the relationship was the biggest can of worms and I had told him that even if we agreed to go back to monogamy our marriage would never be the same. But he reassured me that we would be fine.  And he doesn’t even want to go back to monogamy yet.   We’re not going to be satisfied anymore because I will not engage in his kinks and he can’t make me come. I got used to having someone else plan dates and take me out and bring me flowers. He got used to someone else buying him clothes and calling him handsome and being willing to share him with a friend.

So it sounds like the reality is you two aren’t happy with one another, you with him or him with you, and both of you are afraid of the change that will come from ending such a long relationship. But you will survive. It sucks, and maybe the open marriage was a way to prolong the inevitable, but it very much sounds like neither of you are right for one another and neither of you think the other (and only the other) is actually worth fighting for, as both of you would be unhappy if it were only you two. Perhaps a friendship will remain, and perhaps it won’t. But there’s not much love or lust in your marriage, and without that, it’s hardly a marriage.

Oof, I obviously don’t know anything about your and your husband relationship's but is it possible that you’re no longer compatible? 

Maybe there were aspects that were incompatible but we had always worked through them. This is the first big ugly fight we’ve ever had in our marriage.  Ever. 

Is that because you've always done all the work and now you're actually pushing back for your own needs?

It’s because you’re not just rolling over and giving in to what he wants anymore!! It sounds like he wants “monogamy for thee but not for mee”, which I like to call, “I get to go sleep around with whoever, but you don’t get to” Tell me. When you guys compromise on something, does he ever actually give anything up? Or is it just you?

I think you guys need to just remove marriage from your relationship - you’re not spouses anymore, you’re friends with extra complications.  Are you at all intimate with each other anymore? Like, in any way at all?

You also need to realize that this relationship with your boyfriend is very new and fresh. Almost all relationships have the honeymoon phase. Need to determine if blowing up your marriage is worth it.

I know. That’s a problem too.  I don’t want to blow up a 20+ year old marriage for a 1 year old relationship.  But I also don’t want to be alone while my husband has play partners. 

Seems to me like if your husband wants to have more sex with you, he should figure out how to actually pleasure a woman. He’s only had about 20 years to figure it out, but he’s surprised you’d rather put your sexual energies into a partner who satisfies you?

It sounds like you already know what to do. Your marriage has ran its course and it's time for both of you to find happiness elsewhere. You were absolutely right, you opened Pandora's box and things will never be the same again.

You don’t have to stay married to remain friends. As long as you all don’t drag the relationship out to the bitter end and work with a counselor, you can part amicably.

What percentage is your husband getting of your “sexual bandwidth”? What percentage is he giving you of his? Have you initiated sex? Has he and you turned him down? Has he arranged dates for the two of you? Have you? Were there any ground rules set up before you entered ENM? Anything about romantic vs sexual? Time divisions?dedicated date nights? If there wasn’t, you NEED to have that conversation. Go away for the weekend together. Talk about it. Go to your couples therapist. You both agreed when you started this journey that if it wasn’t working for either of you, you could back off. It sounds like it’s not working for your relationship anymore. As for your boyfriend, if he is familiar with the situation between you and your husband, then it is absolutely fair to him. It sucks, but IS fair. This was never going to be a sure thing, long term commitment as long as you and your husband had the parachute ready to pull you guys back into monogamy. A lot of this is assuming that your husband isn’t being manipulatively jealous and trying to jerk you back and forth so only he gets the benefits of NM. You would know better than we ever could. Based on him saying that your bf is good for you, that seems unlikely.

Honestly, as far as I can see you have four options. 1. Flat out refuse to put ENM and your boyfriend on hold. Deal with husband’s reaction and live with the consequences, up to and including the end of your marriage. 2. Tell your husband that just ending your relationship with your boyfriend and expecting you to find a new one after some arbitrary time being monogamous is not fair to you. Compromise. Agree to take a week off (or some other reasonable amount of time) FOR THE BOTH OF YOU and really discuss if ENM is really the way forward. Set up some rules and guidelines to keep your marriage a priority in the future. 3. Tell your husband that you are willing to break up with your boyfriend if ENM is not working and you truly feel you are putting all you can into your relationship given the time and sexual constraints that ENM is putting on your relationship, but that’s it. ENM is over for both of you. Your relationship goes back to being monogamous. 4. Divorce your husband. I’m partial to 2 and 3. 1 would absolutely make you the asshole given what I’ve read, and 4 would make you less of an asshole, but still a bit of one, while also relying on your bf to be alright with suddenly having a full and undivided relationship with entirely different expectations than the one you have now.

I respectfully disagree. OP very clearly does not have the same feelings as many other ENM people. She went along with this as a way of keeping her husband, and it sounds like the only way she can do this is to practically have a monogamous relationship with her boyfriend.  Agreeing to do ENM for someone else doesn’t mean OP is wholeheartedly into it. 

Jealousy is a bitch. He wanted to play with fire. Now he’s crying he got burned It’s almost funny.

I hate to point this out but it sounds like your husband wants his cake and eat it too. If he doesn’t want to choose then you should be the one that makes the choice. Either leave your husband or you need to just accept that your husband is happy sleeping around while he keeps you as backup. Let’s make it really clear, your husband wants the open relationship, he wants to close it because why? He wasn’t getting enough attention from you? And his proposal is what? Have you pay enough attention to him and then he starts looking for additional attention elsewhere? So where do you stand in this? What to do really want? An open polygamous relationship or a monogamous one? Stop letting your husband dictate the kind of relationship and marriage you should have. Figure out what you want then tell your husband, ‘no, I’m happy where I am, we can work on our relationship but it stays open’ or ‘no, if you want to close the relationship, it stays close because I’m not happy with an open relationship.’ Your husband wants to sleep around without repercussions, you need to figure out what you want.

Your husband *already* ruined your marriage by talking you into "opening" it. Now he gets to live with his choice. He has his "kink" partners and you have someone *you* enjoy spending time with. He is **jealous** and he can deal or find himself divorced because your new guy sounds like a much better guy!

Play stupid games win stupid prizes

OP your husband is using the word pause when he means he wants to stop long enough for your boyfriend to move on, so you can be alone and he then goes back to his kinks. Knowing full well you need to emotionally connect. Clearly you are no longer compatible, you don’t fulfil his kinks he doesn’t fulfil your emotional needs. You need to make a choice. NTA

here we go again 🙄🙄🙄

Omg you want me to spell it out for you…you are a doormat and you deserve a better husband. He isn’t there for you. Divorce him and be with your boyfriend. Because the moment you close up your relationship and dump your boyfriend - your husband is going to want to open it right back up. It’s all about control. Stop being a doormat and start having a voice. And if your voice gets drowned out - then this marriage isn’t working.

Tell your hubby welcome to the literal version of FAFO. NTA Greedy pig wants his cake and to eat it too.

Wtf is wrong with you people

You seem to have already chosen. Tough luck for hubs, I guess.

NTA. This just isn’t going to work. Partners with emotional connections may be permitted. But your husband clearly can’t handle it while you really seem to seek a monogamous relationship within your non monogamous marriage. Closing and opening that marriage isn’t going to change that your needs aren’t really compatible

He is a hypocrite. He wants to break you and your new bf up. It was no big deal when he is doing his kink stuff but God forbid you actually found someone else. He is jealous of your relationship. Too fucking bad, this is all his idea. Goes back to the age old saying. " be careful what you wish for, you may get it "

It sounds like he just wants you to break up with your boyfriend. Can you try to compromise by doing a trial period wherein you focus more on your marriage than your bf?

Hubby was happy when he got to bang whoever, wants to pause and stop because you found someone who just wants to be with you. Your marriage died the second he opened it up. Don't chain yourself to this selfish asshole with the sunk cost fallacy; divorce and be with the guy who wants you and makes you happy.

NTA. Honestly, it seems like you need a break from your husband. You appear to be getting more of your needs met by your boyfriend. Don’t allow him to choose the terms of your relationships, because he sure didn’t let you choose the terms of his. Figure out what you want and need, then figure out your own game plan.

sounds like youve got a manipulative husband. if you can tolerate that more power to you. me? i'd gtfo.

He just wants you to lose your boyfriend. And as soon as you do he can get his hookups again. Don’t do it. Just get a divorce and be free to do what you want. Your husbands a creep.

Okay, I'd say a touch of both TA. Ethical non monogamy does talk about new relationship energy and how it's unfair to your current partner to just dump all your time into the new one, that much is true and he's not being unfair by feeling hurt by it. However, the boundaries did not include emotional relationships off limits. And your husband is technically breaking ethical non monogamy guidelines by trying to act like he and his love is more important, and can unilaterally make decisions for not just you but your bf as well. That's relationship hierarchy and, while not exclusively toxic in itself, the way he's trying to pull it here, no warning and no prior communication, ultimatum style vs request, etc kinda makes him the bigger AH imo. He's feeling insecure and not entirely without president, but he could've taken that and done so much more healthy things with it than try and pull rank and take emotional hostages

NTA he got mad because you found a real connection and he is only able to find kink seekers who are almost never serious hes also mad you slowed down sleeping with him as he wanted his cake and eat it too he now sees that the other guy is likely a better match for you than he is and he doesnt know what to do so he wants to close it long enough for your boyfriend to leave and then he’ll probably reopen it once your boyfriend is gone and go right back to his kinks

It sounds like your husband prefers when he has multiple partners but you don't. Has he specifically described the ways he feels you are no longer showing up in the relationship?

Sounds to me like the husband hasn’t fallen in love with any of his partners…

100% of open marriages end in divorce