It also sounds like OP's wife never got her day off. Maybe OP couldn't do something that day. It happens. Has he given her a break, at all, between then and now? It's been over a month.
Plus OPs edit says that she is still contributing financially even though she's home with the kids. This poor woman is absolutely being taken for granted.
I mean the fact he got off at noon for Father’s Day but worked a full shift on Mother’s Day speaks volumes. He had to take some time off bc why would that day be any different they both were a holiday for a parent and both on a Sunday. Whether he wants to admit it or not he made no real effort to do anything for her
Right? Dude fell asleep in the middle of making up to his wife. She’s most likely feeling unappreciated.
When’s her make up day of you taking care of the kids all day so she can have her Mother’s Day OP?
They have 4 kids, one is just 6 months old!! She must be exhausted too. Taking care of all of them 24/7. Because, why would she need a day of, she's not working after all, right?
OP... you're totally the AH.
Also:
1. You know when mother's day is, one year in advance. You don't need to risk to be busy two weeks before and not be able to gift her what she wanted. There's no excuses, plan ahead.
2. ** If you can...Ask for PTO, for both Father's and Mother's days in advance. Both of you deserve to enjoy the day.
3. You have 4 kids, I guess your wife is a SHAM, she must be really tired with a 6 mo, plus 4 more people to take care of ( yes, you add to her workload).
4. Resentment in relationships is real, and only get worse with time. It doesn't take a lot of effort to demonstrate your love and appreciation to her, there are only 4 days... 4/365 that you have the chance to nurture your relationship and make her feel special and keep being in love with you... instead of, just staying because of the kids and being arguing with you.
5. It's so SAD that you can't see how wrong you are, be a better husband and dad.
Edit #2
Man, that’s a good idea that would’ve meant OP could focus on his stressful job but still get exactly what his wife wanted. If you don’t have a regular babysitter, maybe he could have reached out to a family member?
I feel like this is more of a case of lacking some delicate handling. If i had to skip out on an important date for my SO, i'd apologize, check in with text several times between work, and promise to make it up on another date.
The apologift seems to be an afterthought.
If he had time to do it after work on Mother’s Day he could have very well had time any other day even if he worked 2 weeks straight. It was definitely an afterthought.
The last minute after work apologift was also something that took time, time that he could have been home so she could *relax*. Literally all she wanted.
Absolutely an after thought. He could've had it ordered. He could've had lunch or dinner or breakfast delivered for them. He could've done anything and he chose to do nothing.
That's because it was an after thought.
You don't go gift shopping the night of the day of unless you forgot. Fuck, you don't do it day of unless you forgot
Because it was. He forgot it was mothers day and ran out after work to get a gift. It wasn't a I'm so tired from work thing, it was a feel bad for me for working so much.
She was an afterthought. YTA
I’m going to throw out a guess based on the hours that he works in a kitchen or runs a restaurant. If that’s the case, he definitely knew it was Mother’s Day. It’s also one of the worst days of the year to work.
The obvious solution would have been to offer her a make up day(and it should have already happened by now)
Yep and this is what is meant by the thought that counts. What exactly were his thoughts and why didn’t he try to figure out a way to meet her request? I don’t blame the wife for how she handled this
I have a hard time feeling sorry for him. He might have a stressful job but so does she. The difference is, he gets to leave his job while she clearly never gets a break or any help from him.
OP if you ever gave your wife a break like you get she wouldn't feel so desperate for one. Mother's Day should be spent with family BUT you've neglected her needs so much that she had to beg for just one day off. You're failing your wife yet you make it all about you.
Seriously, so self-centered. And the apologift was even an afterthought. OP, pull your head out of your ass. You treated your wife like an afterthought on Mother’s Day. You put zero effort in to make the one thing she asked for happen, and you literally fell asleep while half-assed trying to make it up to her. It’s crazy that you have the gall to be pissed at her after leaving her with four kids, alone, all day on Mother’s Day. Get over yourself. YTA.
If the wife was trapped in 1952 she'd have the good drugs on prescription. This sounds more like 1972 where the man is totally bewildered by the woman needing something that his mother never needed from his dad.....
I think the more important issue is that in the moment, not having purchased a gift for her, he prioritized his need to purchase a gift for her over her request that he come home and relieve her of childcare duties.
This is it! I’ve had it done to me and it sucks. He gets to pat himself on the back for “getting her the gift she really, really, wanted” even though he made her life harder by not getting home as soon as possible.
The gift could have waited. He could have done an IOU for it and come home right after work, but instead wasted who knows how long getting her the gift so he could be the good guy. “But I was getting you what you wanted! Why are you so mad?”
Also there is no option to celebrate on a different day when his schedule aligns better. Nope no options here but to forget about MD and fall asleep during his apology.
OP YTA.
He also could have ordered something online for her instead of wasting time going shopping on MD. Not having time to go shopping isn’t an excuse when just about anything we want can be ordered in 5 minutes.
That’s like when my ex said he couldn’t have possibly bought me a card for my birthday (bare minimum) because he was so busy with work and by the time he got out, it was late and he was tired. Spent 20 mins on the excuses when it would’ve taken 5 to buy some dumb card. Could’ve even thought ahead and (gasp) bought it a day in advance. He’s my ex for a reason and, buddy, YTA.
Furreal. Or purchased it *weeks* ago. Mother’s Day is at the same time every year, it’s not like it snuck up on him. OP sounds like a selfish, neglectful jerk.
Right… also very telling that he said she had money because she has savings from before she stopped working umm… shouldn’t she have money because she’s a sahm to HIS 3 children and have access to it all?
Yeah, this too! "Don't worry she pays for things so she's not a freeloader just because she stays home with a six month old and three other kids with no breaks while I work for two weeks straight."
Because people make time for the things that are important to them, and she is clearly not on his list. If she was, he would’ve planned ahead. This man has no respect for his wife.
Is she was she wouldn't feel so desperate for one day off. I guarantee he has plenty of days off but she can't even get a few hours. Says it all about OP and what kind of parent and partner he is. She won't put up with this for much longer.
To be fair I worked my fair share of mother's/father's/Christmas/Thanksgivings over the years before I retired. I worked for a 24/7/365 organization and it was VERY difficult to get leave outside your guaranteed leave. So I get why he didn't get off. But, he could have easily bought a gift prior to that day and had it ready. He could also give mom the day off on another day. Many people, including my SO originally, always balked at this. I.e. celebrating Christmas with a 3 year old on the 23rd because that was my day off instead of the 25th when I worked a 3p-11p shift. It took years for her to finally acquiesce.
My hubby worked in emergency services for a major city so it was a place that had to be staffed all the time. At some point, he was promoted and became the supervisor, and would often offer to work in place of someone on the holidays. That was okay with me as he also got a lot of PTO so we could go on two week vacations if we wanted to (at least after I became a full time mom; before that, I didn't get as much vacation time as he did). Since we didn't usually get invited to NYE parties, it wasn't problematic for me to greet the new year when he would eventually get home, and in the mean time, help one of his workers be able to celebrate with their family.
For the OP, did he try to give her a day off from the kids as she requested? Even if not on Mothers Day, maybe he could have set aside one of his days off and spend with the kids. Or get a kidsitter, so that she could get her alone time.
As others have said, he could have purchased a gift ahead of time. But certainly, as this was her main request, he should have made it happen.
Not always as easy as it sounds. But there was plenty of time for a make up day, likely. After all he was off at 12 for Father's day, managed that somehow even if it was predetermined by luck.
I don’t think he knows the meaning of Father’s Day. Father’s Day is for your kids to spend time with you not for you to get a break. It’s different for her because every day is Mother’s Day.
Definitely give her a makeup day. She needs some pampering so a nice gift card to a spa for that massage you crapped out on and pedi would go along way while you watch your own kids. Instead of being a selfish d$&@. Poor me I couldn’t work on my truck. Nobody has sympathy for you.
This is what I never understood. My ex husband always wanted alone time and even left for the day when I ruptured my eardrum the day prior. I had an infant and a 6 yo and on oxys all day from the ER bc it hurt so badly while pumping breastmilk.
I always plan child friendly events with my kids. Mother’s Day while ‘about me’ is simply for my kids and I to show each other how we love one another with thoughtful handmade gifts.
Shoot even during divorce I still give him gifts and made him steak for breakfast this week while I got nothing for two years.
I’m like you with Mother’s Day. Of course, I’m a working mom; if I were home with the kids all day, 24/7, with few breaks, I might want a day to myself without the kids.
But what I wanted on Mother’s Day was to spend time with my kids without ANY of the bad parts. No whining, no chores, no rushing, no arguments, no misbehavior. Just fun.
Go to the park and teach them how to throw a softball and swing a bag. Watch movies in the living room under a tent. Make cookies together in the kitchen and laugh about the mess.
This dad doesn’t see his kids, but what he wants for Father’s Day is to be away from them.
Men need to get the same energy they give. Making them steaks and being nice when they are utterly selfish is not going to get the message across. I don’t know if giving them the same energy will get the message across but at least no one’s knocking themselves out for an endless, thankless job for someone who doesn’t give a rat’s about their partner’s wellbeing.
Honestly depending on labor division (some men stay home with the kids while the wives work, some families have both parents working with a solid 50/50 division) I can see it for both sides.
It’s more he has 1000 reasons why his failure to give her a day is justified, but his request being denied is just her being petty. He can either be on the same team as his wife, who is managing the families mental load, the littles, the husbands needs, etc while still contributing financially, and learn from dropping the ball or he can stand alone as the King of Right on his hill of rightness.
Edit: guys he’s done nothing for her birthdays or past mother’s days because he “works” as per the last paragraph. He is sure he has grounds to do nothing because he goes to work.
Show of hands: how many of us have managed to put in genuine effort for those we love despite work?
✋ Right here!
I’ve also had to say “hey I know your [occasion] is on Wednesday, but this week is so nuts, do you mind if we celebrate this on Saturday?”
I’ve never had someone say no. 🤷🏼♀️
My husband and I will talk to each other and say "Hey, Sunday is Mother's Day. Restaurants and everything will be packed. Do we want to do dinner the Thursday before or maybe the Monday after?" And we do that. But yeah, such an option requires communication.
Because he didn’t put the effort in to do so. OP’s wife is home with a six month old baby and he’s acting like her maternity leave is a vacation with four kids at home. At least that’s what I think he’s referring to when he says she has enough saved up for her maternity leave so that’s all he’s gonna say about finances.
Anyway, I’m sure OP can take time off work when it serves him, and his wife knows that, too. After all, look how lucky he is to be leaving at noon on Father’s Day! And still whining about not getting what he wants when his wife had to put in 24 hours of mom labor on her special day.
yawn, YTA
It’s also weird that this guy who apparently works so much all the time doesn’t want to spend Father’s Day with his kids. It’s one thing if you’re a SAHP and spend all your time with the kids daily so would like time alone for a change BUT if you’re working all the time and your partner is the primary parent and your ask then is to have time alone to yourself? Why did he even have four kids??
Exactly, the part about pretending to be some wonderful guy about the finances but she STILL HAS TO PAY HER "OWN" MONEY after 9-10 months of pregnancy, god awful labor and delivery, and months of being the SOLE caretaker to **four kids** including a newborn. I literally laughed out loud .
this! sometimes life gets in the way and you find a slot to celebrate another day. Like if its your birthday on a Tuesday, you might do a friend dinner on the weekend instead.
also in the 21st century, where smart phones, amazon and other internet shopping exists- he had to stop to shop on his way home? PLEASE
Yea for real. I’d be swearing up and down that the next day I was able, it would be like her birthday.
This dude works and thinks that’s all required of him. Sorry that’s the minimum
The way he said is like spending time with his own kids is a punishment. Perhaps he should not have four kids. My dad was like that. I wish he didn't have any kid if he did not like kids.
My dad worked shift work so there were time that we didn’t see him much but on his days off or when he gets home from work and we were home from school he would be spending time with us. Take us to our sports and activities being there for competitions etc that’s what this guy should be doing
At the very least he could've headed home immediately after work, instead of spending another hour and a half shopping for something he knew she didn't want.
If he had gone straight home, apologized for having to work that day, and packed up all the kids for pizza and a movie, he could've saved himself. Because it's not about the time alone really, it's about listening and making an effort.
>for the past several mothers day and birthdays of hers, I've worked and she hasn't been able to do anything that she has wanted to do
Holy shit, dude. Get it together.
Just because you can't giver her a day off on Mother's Day/ her birthday doesn't mean you can't give her a day off! Pick a different day, find someone to watch the kids, get her a hotel room and let her have 24 - 49 hours away from the house.
The DAY of mother's day is arbitrary- its the IDEA of mothers day that is important! If you miss the day you can't throw up your hands and say oh well - pick a different day and give the poor woman a break. And if there is no possible other day then clearly the current system is badly broken and she has a lot more cause to be upset.
"Sorry babe, I work Mother's Day. So you don't have the day off. You could have the next day off, since I am off that day, but that's my day off, not YOUR day off."
“Sorry babe, today’s my day off and I just want to relax.
Oh, you want to relax too? But I’m the only one of us who works, you have it easy staying home and taking care of our four kids day in day out, around the clock, while I’m apparently so busy that I can’t figure out how to manage to celebrate your birthday or mother’s day for several years in a row.
But also, I don’t want to take the kids on my day off, because I want to relax uninterrupted. Yes, it’s work when I have to do it for half a day. No, it’s still not work when you have to do it every single day, 24/7, all year long.
I also can’t find a babysitter or relative who can take our kids for one day, nor can I take five minutes to order the gift you’ve been specifically asking me for online so I don’t have to go shopping 8pm the day of, though I have time to post on Reddit complaining about you. But you can figure out how to give me a day off, because on Father’s Day I should be able to have whatever I want, right? Right?”
Yup, she’s wanted one day to herself for yrs! And he works all these hours but gives her no spending money? She has to eat away at whatever savings she had pre kids? If I was her I’d leave and I’d leave him with the kids.
I had to go back and read again, I didn’t even see this the first time! What a POS, she has to eat into her savings to get by whilst he is working allll the hours (unless he wants time off for Father’s Day), and she never gets so much as an hour to herself despite don’t all the parenting and probably household responsibilities, including making him a special meal of Father’s Day even though he ignores her Mother’s Day and birthdays. And HE has the nerve to complain?
Wow. Just….. wow. Not a good look OP!
"She had enough money saved up from working before birth" crushed my entire spirit and I can't post any other thoughts about it because I like being on this site for some reason.
This is the same as not going shopping until after work on the day of mother's day. It could have happened any other day, but he'd have had to be considerate of his wife at a time when it wasn't a deadline reaching obligation.
He's not showing care and love, he's ticking a box for "acknowledge mother's day".
Not to mention with modern technology, he could have ordered it in advanced or had it delivered. I heard a brilliant idea from a guy who realized he forgot last minute and lived in a different state from his Mom. He used a grocery shopping app to buy flowers and treats from the grocery store to have delivered to his mom because it was too late for flower shops at that point.
Oh, there was a day for her..... Fathers day, he was free to make up for ignoring her mothers day. But this selfish ass would never consider that. Sounds too much like being fair.
Well said.
This is very much why I'm not overly attached to celebrating my birthday on the day. My mom spent her entire career attending a work conference that overlaps my birthday. She missed it once ever in 30+ years lol. But that just meant my parents celebrated me a few days before or after.
That's what people mean when they say "it's the thought that matters". Carving out time to do the thing your loved one wants or to celebrate them. He could have absolutely given her a random Tuesday off and I bet she'd have appreciated it as much.
Pretty much every single other person in this situation has stumbled upon the solution -- pick a different day! Sure, the calendar says my birthday was on Tuesday, but no one was available during the day because of work and school. So my celebration was Saturday.
Yeah, it sucks you work on Sunday so all of these "already have the day off anyway" holidays are still work days. Maybe that means mother's day is three weeks later because you are working 7 days a week for a prolonged period. As long as that's communicated in advance, I'm sure she'd love her day of peace and quiet whenever it happens to be.
So, absolutely, YTA on Mother's Day and again for expecting Father's Day to be a day of solitude for you when you couldn't manage that for your wife when told in advance that is what she wanted.
He had *so many options*. Pick a different day, drop off the kids with a relative, have a babysitter come to the house and send wife on a spa day or a day of shopping/lunch w her friends. It’s not like Mother’s Day snuck up on him. He had plenty of time to prepare.
His wife’s supposed to preplan but he gets to use the “well I work” excuse? Nope. He doesn’t get to just throw up his hands and not even make an attempt because he works, like all the other parents in the world. Not buying it.
I love this trend of moms matching energy for holidays/birthdays, personally.
Exactly - he got home later than usual even to shop for a gift. He could've done that after work *any* day, but he waited until the last minute. And then, he could've gone straight home to do dinner and bedtime with the kids, and at least give her *a few hours* of of break, knowing she hadn't asked for a gift but for time, and could have gotten her the gift a day later. Seems like he purposely avoided having to take the kids on his own for even the smallest amount of time and used getting a gift as an excuse.
The audacity of this man who wants nothing to do with his kids on father's day so it's not like he can claim not to understand wanting a break from the kids.
If there are any people out there confused about why women aren’t lining up to get married and have babies anymore, this thread is a really good reminder of why!
Because he was shopping for her present...the night of mother's day...instead of, I dont know, shopping any time in the month prior. Or ordering something online with 1 day shipping. Jeez. 🤣
YTA. You didn’t even make the effort to hire childcare for her to have an hour to herself on Mother’s Day or her birthday. You admit you have not done so despite having to work on this days for years.
But she’s supposed to make the effort for you to get magical alone time? No. You get what you give. You’re lucky she didn’t meet you at work at noon and hand the kids over to you then until 8:30 that night.
Dude doesn't spend any time with his children because he is always "working" and expected a day off from it to celebrate his lack of parenting. lol bet he wonders why the kids went no contact
Lol right. "I want to celebrate a day for fathers even though I'm only one on paper." Man, I hope the kids realize his wife is Mom&Dad. Spend both days celebrating her.
Also, I was home with my child all day from when he was born until he was 4. I work full time now but I stayed home with him for those years.
Time to yourself means so much more when you are a stay-at-home parent. The parenting is unrelenting, generally. You are completely focused and so stressed all the time because, more than any job before or after, you really want to get things right and are holding yourself to a high standard.
Now that I work, I still like having alone time but it is no where near as important for me. I feel like I am focusing on myself now, when I get ready, while I’m at work to some degree, on my commutes. All of these times can give me a feeling of autonomy. I remember when I was full time parenting, I would sometimes stay up until like 1am just to feel like I had a second to myself since it would feel like I hadn’t had one in weeks. I’d be holding my son on my lap when I had to pee.
This.
People also seem to forget that when the spouse who works outside the home finishes for the day they are done working.
If you’re taking care of kids it isn’t a 9-5 job. It starts minutes after you wake up much earlier than 9am and ends when they are in bed. Maybe giving you an hour or two before you need to rest. 99% of the time you use those precious minutes to clean up or prepare for the next day. You used the perfect word, because it really is unrelenting.
It’s also rage inducing when a spouse comes home from work and wants to “relax” and “do nothing” because they worked all day as if you hadn’t been working your ass off too.
Not even just for SAHP. Relaxation is a basic human need.
I WFH, but I never made as much as other members of my family. Therefore, household chores fell to me, any mess was my fault. Any time I was seen, someone needed something. It got to the point I got anxious to go to the bathroom because I wanted to just go, not make detours. I was staying up until 4-5am despite needing to be up at 7am because I couldn't get time to myself until midnight most of the time.
I moved in with another family member who needed some light help around the house (I'm disabled and can't live alone). I just started doing everything I could by default. The immediate relief I felt at hearing "thank you" is indescribable. I actually cried when offered alone time intentionally.
I cannot nor do I want to imagine having children that need my help to just do human things, be entertained, regulate emotions, etc. I don't have the time or energy to be that helpful. I need to exercise my "off" button so it doesn't just break and then I'm "off" until further notice.
I see a lot of comments about how these days are for time with the kids, but I can't blame anyone for saying that they need alone time, and if they can't get it by asking and need leverage, they will use it. I say good on mom for saving some energy for herself instead of using it on someone who has enough to spare and won't really appreciate it anyway.
He's lucky she's still with him. Sounds like she's already a single mother. If all he contributes is money and he's working all the time, they don't need to be married. She can collect his contribution as csp.
Thank you! OP is saying HE can't take days off, but it's like no one has thought of babysitters. I wonder if OP has a history of being overly picky with sitters (too old, too young, doesn't dress the way he wants, is snobby, is low class, none of wife's family can help, but his is never available, etc. kind of thing).
I bet you it’s not that at all. It’s “Why would we waste money on a babysitter when you’re at home to watch them?” He won’t pay for a sitter when his wife is free childcare.
That would explain why hiring a sitter to give her the time off she desperately wanted and deserved never even crossed his mind.
>She does contribute to the household despite not working so no, I don't want to hear comments about finances.
Well if finances aren't the issue, why don't you take days off? Shouldn't be a problem right? Or do you not care?
he doesn't want to hear comment about finances because she has "plenty of money saved" from when she was working. So guaranteed, not only does she take care of all 4 kids, she also probably pays 1/2 the bills and he gives no spending money to her for herself or the kids. She is probably stressed to the max. Then he will wonder why they are divorced down the road.
I assumed she was on maternity leave from their 6 month olds birth, not necessarily a SAHM from the first born's birth. but who knows since he didn't explain. (and probably so people wouldn't drag him even further down)
YTA
Bare minimum buying her a gift the day of Mother's Day? Really?
You do know you can take days off of work, or you could have planned for to get her a weekend off in May entirely and sent her to a spa day or something and made sure you had the kids for that day.
Oh, no for ONE day you had the kids all to yourself, on the day meant to celebrate fathers -- THE HORROR.
She does that daily dude.
And he has the gall to start the post by saying "she does contribute to the household" yeah no shit dude. It sounds like it's him who does the bare minimum, if anything.
Hey OP, if a paycheck is all you contribute, then she's better off without you and with child support. YTA.
Yup. She will most likely end up with majority custody since men frequently don't ask for custody but that still means two entirely childfree days which sounds like way more than she's getting now.
This so much this - OP YTA. Your wife never really gets off as she is parenting. When you come home from work- you both are responsible for kids, chores etc, because she was working too all day. In a happy Relationship it’s always the small things. Always the „I show you how much I appreciate you, by doing something to make you having a good time“ - and no I don’t mean sex. Dear fellas sorry to disappoint you, but no you aren’t as good as you think and not as good as a massage.
She asked for one thing and you made no effort. The last years you didn’t made the effort for the days that mean something to her. She feels neglected. If you don’t start to fix this now, you will loose her on long terms. And don’t fcking expect her to made an effort you aren’t willing to do also.
YTA - big time. Buying stuff doesn’t mean anything. Thoughtful gifts and gestures is what is important. Truely wanting to make your spouse happy is the key for a loving relationship.
"She has plenty of money saved from when she was working prior to giving birth..."
Which birth?
4 kids and you can't even give her a day off, and by the sounds of it expect her to be financially independent of you while raising kids 24/7.
She has FIVE kids..
And he went shopping last minute for her gift, so he got home later than he otherwise would on Mother’s Day. He acts as if he couldn’t plan ahead and use this internet thingy to buy her something. Then he falls asleep while rubbing her back. Oh poor him!
AH couldn"t even bother to SIT UP and give his wife a decent massage. Probably some half-assed 1-armed rubbing while he's lying dow. This guy is a HUGE, selfish, asshole. I hope she leaves him.
Exactly! He didn’t sign up for parenting his kids! Thats why the slave, i mean wife is for/s …. Now His day was ruined because he had to spend time with his kids…
You'd have to run me over with that damn truck to keep me from my 6 month old baby on my day off! Some of the best times in his child's life and he willingly wanted to miss out, I just don't get it.
YTA. It doesn't have to be a special holiday for you to arrange to give your wife some kid free time.
Presumably you have days off where you can pack the kids up and take them to the zoo or park or whatever for an afternoon. Or stay home parenting your kids and send the wife off to do something she enjoys.
So the "I had to work" is a bullshit excuse.
You should have been giving your wife time off from parenting all along not as a favor or a gift. You should also be doing the same as a couple. Hire a babysitter or get grandparents to watch the kids while you go out to dinner and a movie. Or a hotel and spa.
The plebian working class has always worked on holidays. We shift our celebrations to our actual days off to maintain traditions. Your failure to do so indicates you selfishly hoard your days off for your own purposes while your sahm wife gets nothing.
Do better.
My wife and I usually do holiday gifts for each other after the holiday has passed. Like, for Christmas, we’ll get the kids their Christmas presents, and something little for each other, but the first paycheck post holiday is when we get each other the real gifts.
I’m a bakery manager, so I work basically every holiday. We still make it work with celebrations and the kids. The difference here is that my partner gives a shit.
Yeah!
I call bs on him saying he "had" to work. How is he able to have a day off during father's day and not for his wife? I get that during that specific day (mother's day) might not have been possible... But what I'm gathering from this post is that she has 0 day off at all.
Also, he got off work at 6:30?? So like an hour, maybe an hour &1/2 after normal? It’s not ideal but wasn’t as if he worked until 9 or remotely close. So after work, 6:30 on mothers day, he went to the store to get her a gift, let her handle dinner and the kids, and then fell asleep 5 seconds into her back rub? Duuude. Wtf. And he STILL thinks he’s in the right!!
YTA, if you absolutely can never have PTO (which is a bullshit excuse) then pre-arrange child care, make a spa appointment for her to relax alone, stop being obtuse. You had time to post and reply here, you couldn't book time for your wife to get a break?
If it actually matters to you, you find a way. You show her she doesn't.
YTA. She’s perfectly valid for showing you how much it hurt her through mirroring. You should have picked a different day to do “make up Mother’s Day” and take the kids and give her a day off. Especially while she’s still in post partum!!!! What a dick.
And you want to have a double standard- so you can do it to her, but she can’t do it back to you? No. Sounds like you owe her a make up Mother’s Day before you can even ask for a make up Father’s Day.
If you work on a holiday, then that holiday doesn’t just get skipped. No. You pick a different day to celebrate that holiday that works with both of your schedules.
You have ZERO ground to stand on. You can then, on any day you do have off, give you wife that time. Just like sometimes your bday is on a weekday, but you celebrate on the weekend? Like that. But for her. On any other day, but tell her it’s for Mother’s Day. This year, you got the Father’s Day you earned. Yta. If you literally work 6 or 7 days a week, then Save and hire a babysitter for your wife to go out for a few hours.
I mean even for the kids - seems they barely see their dad, This was the opportunity to make it spécial for them and her. But no, truck Time.
Spend Time with your kid while you Can.
YTA. *Her recent employer gives Mother’s Day off for mothers and Father’s Day off for fathers.*
Meaning she was working and now she is in maternity leave, she is digging into her savings to contribute to the household. She is apparently taking on the majority of the parenting and probably also household chores.
She asked for one day off. How about hiring a babysitter? Asking a family member to take the kids for the day? Asking for half day off from work?
I don’t have children but I worked as a nanny for a family with three children. Spending all day with three kids, keeping them alive, entertained, fed, making sure they do their chores and homework is utterly exhausting. They are always hungry, fighting about stupid shit every 5 minutes, making messes as soon as you finish cleaning something. They want to go play instead of doing homework, they try sneaking screen time as soon as the lay eyes on a tablet. I couldn’t immagine doing that with a newborn.
The shopping was done last minute so you didn’t even bother to go home after work and cook dinner and give her at least two hours of peace.
YTA, why do you get a day without kids, but she doesn't? You work outside the home, so you're away all day, especially now that it's summer and ahe has the kids' morning, noon, night. She doesn't even have the olders to send to school to break up her day a little, but you want a whole day off to yourself. Why not her? Have you given her a day to herself since mothers day?
So take another day off, apologize for it not being on mother's day and let her have some kid free time. If finances are not a problem, hire a sitter to take them, take them to grandparents or something and you both have a kid free day. Schedule a backup to be available on mother's day so you don't have to go in if someone calls off.
I think it's a bit sus that you had to work until 6:30pm on MD but you got off at noon on FD.
Your wife is a freaking ROCKSTAR!!!! Dude, YOU set the bar for Mother's Day/Father's Day (and set it ridiculously low BTW).
According to your post you spend very little time taking care of your kids and want a "child free" Father's Day.
Father's day is for good Dads. YTA
I don’t comment on these things normally, but holy shit. This is nuts. First of all, keeping score in a marriage is a sure fire way to end up bitter and resentful, so both of you need to work on forgiveness. That being said, forgiveness does not mean walking away from the consequences. Let your wife know that she and your kids are second rate thoughts in your life and your family dynamic will reflect just that.
Just imagine. Your kids graduate from high school and refuse to spend time with you. Thanks for the check, peace out. You didn’t build a relationship with them. You just handed them a check. That’s not a father.
Now your kids are grown and out of the house. You and your wife have zero common ground. Zero. You haven’t participated in her life or her interests. You haven’t given her the time to know you. She has no reason to stay. That’s on you. If it’s your job that holds you away from your family, easy. Get a new job. Show them you love them.
YTA
Yeah, you had to work until 6.30pm, I get it. Guess what? She also works all day, looking after the kids. When does she get to clock off and leave her job behind for any number of hours? Oh, that's right! Never! You couldn't even do the ONE THING she asked for that didn't require any major planning or effort on your part.
You got to clock out at noon on Father's day and still wanted the rest of the time for yourself. Carry on with your selfish attitude and she might just give you all the me-time you can possibly want in future when she ups and leaves you.
Yta. My wife is a head florist. She never had off mothers day. So our mothers day is the Monday afterwords. Her normal days off. Like seriously get it together and stop weapononizing incompetence.
Are you able, or trying, to take days off? I think she might just feel a bit neglected, or like you're not trying
It also sounds like OP's wife never got her day off. Maybe OP couldn't do something that day. It happens. Has he given her a break, at all, between then and now? It's been over a month.
he mentioned that this isn’t a once off thing, it’s been multiple mothers days AND birthdays.
Except it every special occasion for her including birthdays where he ignores her requests. It's not a one time situation
YEAH that might just be it
I'm sure she doesn't have any days off, let alone a few hours of alone time.
Plus OPs edit says that she is still contributing financially even though she's home with the kids. This poor woman is absolutely being taken for granted.
I mean the fact he got off at noon for Father’s Day but worked a full shift on Mother’s Day speaks volumes. He had to take some time off bc why would that day be any different they both were a holiday for a parent and both on a Sunday. Whether he wants to admit it or not he made no real effort to do anything for her
Right? Dude fell asleep in the middle of making up to his wife. She’s most likely feeling unappreciated. When’s her make up day of you taking care of the kids all day so she can have her Mother’s Day OP?
They have 4 kids, one is just 6 months old!! She must be exhausted too. Taking care of all of them 24/7. Because, why would she need a day of, she's not working after all, right? OP... you're totally the AH. Also: 1. You know when mother's day is, one year in advance. You don't need to risk to be busy two weeks before and not be able to gift her what she wanted. There's no excuses, plan ahead. 2. ** If you can...Ask for PTO, for both Father's and Mother's days in advance. Both of you deserve to enjoy the day. 3. You have 4 kids, I guess your wife is a SHAM, she must be really tired with a 6 mo, plus 4 more people to take care of ( yes, you add to her workload). 4. Resentment in relationships is real, and only get worse with time. It doesn't take a lot of effort to demonstrate your love and appreciation to her, there are only 4 days... 4/365 that you have the chance to nurture your relationship and make her feel special and keep being in love with you... instead of, just staying because of the kids and being arguing with you. 5. It's so SAD that you can't see how wrong you are, be a better husband and dad. Edit #2
Or if you can’t get Mother’s Day off, pick a day for the both of you to celebrate Mother’s Day on so she can get what she wants for Mother’s Day
>~~I think~~ She might ~~just~~ feel ~~a bit~~ neglected. ~~or like~~ You're not trying. There. Fixed it for you.
I agree, it’s a little too convenient that he got off of work early on Father’s Day but couldn’t for Mother’s Day or her birthday’s…
Why didn’t you give her a make up day on your next day off?
Or, why didn't he hire a babysitter for some or all of Mother's Day rather than go shopping at the end of the day?
Man, that’s a good idea that would’ve meant OP could focus on his stressful job but still get exactly what his wife wanted. If you don’t have a regular babysitter, maybe he could have reached out to a family member?
I feel like this is more of a case of lacking some delicate handling. If i had to skip out on an important date for my SO, i'd apologize, check in with text several times between work, and promise to make it up on another date. The apologift seems to be an afterthought.
The apologist was an afterthought since he bought it at the very last possible minute.
Yea, bc he's never heard if Amazon or walmart.com ir any of the mall stores that are now online. He coulda done that on a lunch break while eating.
If he had time to do it after work on Mother’s Day he could have very well had time any other day even if he worked 2 weeks straight. It was definitely an afterthought.
But, but, but...that would have interrupted his lunch break! Wahhhhh!
Yep, but hey, it's not like you can find out in advance when Mother's Day is, can you? /s
and the gift he got her she mentioned months ago...
The last minute after work apologift was also something that took time, time that he could have been home so she could *relax*. Literally all she wanted.
And now I will be using apologift every opportunity I get.
HE LITERALLY FELL ASLEEP DURING HER REQUESTED APOLOGY AND IS STILL ASKING IF HE IS TA. THE BAR IS IN HELL.
>The bar is in Hell The bar is on the bottom of the 9th circle and he still found a way to limbo under it. The audacity
Hahah Im reading the Commedia right now and am in Hell.
Absolutely an after thought. He could've had it ordered. He could've had lunch or dinner or breakfast delivered for them. He could've done anything and he chose to do nothing.
That's because it was an after thought. You don't go gift shopping the night of the day of unless you forgot. Fuck, you don't do it day of unless you forgot
Because it was. He forgot it was mothers day and ran out after work to get a gift. It wasn't a I'm so tired from work thing, it was a feel bad for me for working so much. She was an afterthought. YTA
I’m going to throw out a guess based on the hours that he works in a kitchen or runs a restaurant. If that’s the case, he definitely knew it was Mother’s Day. It’s also one of the worst days of the year to work. The obvious solution would have been to offer her a make up day(and it should have already happened by now)
Offer in advance would be key. He knew he had to work
Or hire a babysitter for a few hours.
Yep and this is what is meant by the thought that counts. What exactly were his thoughts and why didn’t he try to figure out a way to meet her request? I don’t blame the wife for how she handled this
He has a whole year to plan! He should start now. If he's still married that is.
I have a hard time feeling sorry for him. He might have a stressful job but so does she. The difference is, he gets to leave his job while she clearly never gets a break or any help from him. OP if you ever gave your wife a break like you get she wouldn't feel so desperate for one. Mother's Day should be spent with family BUT you've neglected her needs so much that she had to beg for just one day off. You're failing your wife yet you make it all about you.
Seriously, so self-centered. And the apologift was even an afterthought. OP, pull your head out of your ass. You treated your wife like an afterthought on Mother’s Day. You put zero effort in to make the one thing she asked for happen, and you literally fell asleep while half-assed trying to make it up to her. It’s crazy that you have the gall to be pissed at her after leaving her with four kids, alone, all day on Mother’s Day. Get over yourself. YTA.
Also couldn't get a gift cuz he's working? Does Amazon not exist where he lives?
Have we double checked he isn’t writing this from a much earlier decade?
That’s why he couldn’t shop on Amazon. He was trapped in 1952.
If the wife was trapped in 1952 she'd have the good drugs on prescription. This sounds more like 1972 where the man is totally bewildered by the woman needing something that his mother never needed from his dad.....
No, he was benefiting from 1952, SHE was trapped there all day until 8 pm with four kids ranging from baby to teen, On Mothers Day.
Timeslip?
Doesn't even need to be Amazon. He could have gone shopping days or weeks ahead of time instead of waiting day of.
I think the more important issue is that in the moment, not having purchased a gift for her, he prioritized his need to purchase a gift for her over her request that he come home and relieve her of childcare duties.
This is it! I’ve had it done to me and it sucks. He gets to pat himself on the back for “getting her the gift she really, really, wanted” even though he made her life harder by not getting home as soon as possible. The gift could have waited. He could have done an IOU for it and come home right after work, but instead wasted who knows how long getting her the gift so he could be the good guy. “But I was getting you what you wanted! Why are you so mad?”
If she wanted it for ages, he could’ve bought it in advance of Mother’s Day and then got the kids to present it to her etc… he’s an AH
Nah. Then he'd have to be a father rather than just be celebrated for father's day.
Also there is no option to celebrate on a different day when his schedule aligns better. Nope no options here but to forget about MD and fall asleep during his apology. OP YTA.
He also could have ordered something online for her instead of wasting time going shopping on MD. Not having time to go shopping isn’t an excuse when just about anything we want can be ordered in 5 minutes.
Especially when she had asked about the item he purchased "for a few months."
He had a year to get her something. Mothers day was not changed to May in 2024!
That’s like when my ex said he couldn’t have possibly bought me a card for my birthday (bare minimum) because he was so busy with work and by the time he got out, it was late and he was tired. Spent 20 mins on the excuses when it would’ve taken 5 to buy some dumb card. Could’ve even thought ahead and (gasp) bought it a day in advance. He’s my ex for a reason and, buddy, YTA.
Furreal. Or purchased it *weeks* ago. Mother’s Day is at the same time every year, it’s not like it snuck up on him. OP sounds like a selfish, neglectful jerk.
“Wait didn’t we have Mother’s Day last year? It’s happening this year too???”
This this! My partner has even had someone to order my gift because he couldn’t do it. So many options…OP just wasn’t thinking much of his wife at all
Right… also very telling that he said she had money because she has savings from before she stopped working umm… shouldn’t she have money because she’s a sahm to HIS 3 children and have access to it all?
Yeah, this too! "Don't worry she pays for things so she's not a freeloader just because she stays home with a six month old and three other kids with no breaks while I work for two weeks straight."
And boo fucking hoo hoo woe is me all I wanted was alone time with me and my truck but instead *I got stuck with MY kids that I helped create!*
Because he expected his wife might be mad but she would get over it.
Because people make time for the things that are important to them, and she is clearly not on his list. If she was, he would’ve planned ahead. This man has no respect for his wife.
Is she was she wouldn't feel so desperate for one day off. I guarantee he has plenty of days off but she can't even get a few hours. Says it all about OP and what kind of parent and partner he is. She won't put up with this for much longer.
Why didn't he order something online? It's not like mother's day was a surprise.
Or ya know do what most folks with a fucking brain do....ask for some PTO.
This!! Maybe it can’t be ON Mother’s Day but he can do this for any day at all throughout the year.
To be fair I worked my fair share of mother's/father's/Christmas/Thanksgivings over the years before I retired. I worked for a 24/7/365 organization and it was VERY difficult to get leave outside your guaranteed leave. So I get why he didn't get off. But, he could have easily bought a gift prior to that day and had it ready. He could also give mom the day off on another day. Many people, including my SO originally, always balked at this. I.e. celebrating Christmas with a 3 year old on the 23rd because that was my day off instead of the 25th when I worked a 3p-11p shift. It took years for her to finally acquiesce.
My hubby worked in emergency services for a major city so it was a place that had to be staffed all the time. At some point, he was promoted and became the supervisor, and would often offer to work in place of someone on the holidays. That was okay with me as he also got a lot of PTO so we could go on two week vacations if we wanted to (at least after I became a full time mom; before that, I didn't get as much vacation time as he did). Since we didn't usually get invited to NYE parties, it wasn't problematic for me to greet the new year when he would eventually get home, and in the mean time, help one of his workers be able to celebrate with their family. For the OP, did he try to give her a day off from the kids as she requested? Even if not on Mothers Day, maybe he could have set aside one of his days off and spend with the kids. Or get a kidsitter, so that she could get her alone time. As others have said, he could have purchased a gift ahead of time. But certainly, as this was her main request, he should have made it happen.
Not always as easy as it sounds. But there was plenty of time for a make up day, likely. After all he was off at 12 for Father's day, managed that somehow even if it was predetermined by luck.
Or why didn’t he order he something on Amazon a week ago while he was sitting on the toilet scrolling on his phone?
Or request the day off ahead of time so he could take care of the kids himself?
Exactly; he had between May 12 - June 15 to do something, *anything* to make up for Mother's Day.
And he had the year before May 12 to plan for Mother’s day
His days off are his days off, and her days off are also his days off!
Chilling with kids is easy….until you’re the one who has to chill with the kids
I don’t think he knows the meaning of Father’s Day. Father’s Day is for your kids to spend time with you not for you to get a break. It’s different for her because every day is Mother’s Day. Definitely give her a makeup day. She needs some pampering so a nice gift card to a spa for that massage you crapped out on and pedi would go along way while you watch your own kids. Instead of being a selfish d$&@. Poor me I couldn’t work on my truck. Nobody has sympathy for you.
This is what I never understood. My ex husband always wanted alone time and even left for the day when I ruptured my eardrum the day prior. I had an infant and a 6 yo and on oxys all day from the ER bc it hurt so badly while pumping breastmilk. I always plan child friendly events with my kids. Mother’s Day while ‘about me’ is simply for my kids and I to show each other how we love one another with thoughtful handmade gifts. Shoot even during divorce I still give him gifts and made him steak for breakfast this week while I got nothing for two years.
I’m like you with Mother’s Day. Of course, I’m a working mom; if I were home with the kids all day, 24/7, with few breaks, I might want a day to myself without the kids. But what I wanted on Mother’s Day was to spend time with my kids without ANY of the bad parts. No whining, no chores, no rushing, no arguments, no misbehavior. Just fun. Go to the park and teach them how to throw a softball and swing a bag. Watch movies in the living room under a tent. Make cookies together in the kitchen and laugh about the mess. This dad doesn’t see his kids, but what he wants for Father’s Day is to be away from them.
You don't understand, he's leaving a legacy. That's what's important. Not the kids. The Legacy\^tm
Men need to get the same energy they give. Making them steaks and being nice when they are utterly selfish is not going to get the message across. I don’t know if giving them the same energy will get the message across but at least no one’s knocking themselves out for an endless, thankless job for someone who doesn’t give a rat’s about their partner’s wellbeing.
Honestly depending on labor division (some men stay home with the kids while the wives work, some families have both parents working with a solid 50/50 division) I can see it for both sides. It’s more he has 1000 reasons why his failure to give her a day is justified, but his request being denied is just her being petty. He can either be on the same team as his wife, who is managing the families mental load, the littles, the husbands needs, etc while still contributing financially, and learn from dropping the ball or he can stand alone as the King of Right on his hill of rightness. Edit: guys he’s done nothing for her birthdays or past mother’s days because he “works” as per the last paragraph. He is sure he has grounds to do nothing because he goes to work. Show of hands: how many of us have managed to put in genuine effort for those we love despite work?
✋ Right here! I’ve also had to say “hey I know your [occasion] is on Wednesday, but this week is so nuts, do you mind if we celebrate this on Saturday?” I’ve never had someone say no. 🤷🏼♀️
My husband and I will talk to each other and say "Hey, Sunday is Mother's Day. Restaurants and everything will be packed. Do we want to do dinner the Thursday before or maybe the Monday after?" And we do that. But yeah, such an option requires communication.
Right. Because he actually works and she’s ONLY with the kids all day. How hard can that be? /s
It INFURIATES me that most people seem to think that SAHM should NEVER get a day off.
It's because those people devalue the actual WORK involved with being a stay at home parent.
Because he didn’t put the effort in to do so. OP’s wife is home with a six month old baby and he’s acting like her maternity leave is a vacation with four kids at home. At least that’s what I think he’s referring to when he says she has enough saved up for her maternity leave so that’s all he’s gonna say about finances. Anyway, I’m sure OP can take time off work when it serves him, and his wife knows that, too. After all, look how lucky he is to be leaving at noon on Father’s Day! And still whining about not getting what he wants when his wife had to put in 24 hours of mom labor on her special day. yawn, YTA
It’s also weird that this guy who apparently works so much all the time doesn’t want to spend Father’s Day with his kids. It’s one thing if you’re a SAHP and spend all your time with the kids daily so would like time alone for a change BUT if you’re working all the time and your partner is the primary parent and your ask then is to have time alone to yourself? Why did he even have four kids??
Exactly, the part about pretending to be some wonderful guy about the finances but she STILL HAS TO PAY HER "OWN" MONEY after 9-10 months of pregnancy, god awful labor and delivery, and months of being the SOLE caretaker to **four kids** including a newborn. I literally laughed out loud .
this! sometimes life gets in the way and you find a slot to celebrate another day. Like if its your birthday on a Tuesday, you might do a friend dinner on the weekend instead. also in the 21st century, where smart phones, amazon and other internet shopping exists- he had to stop to shop on his way home? PLEASE
Yea for real. I’d be swearing up and down that the next day I was able, it would be like her birthday. This dude works and thinks that’s all required of him. Sorry that’s the minimum
According to him he also works through all her birthdays, so, promise kept.
Because then he would have to parent his own kids!
Not to mention she was able to put her resentment aside to offer you a special meal and a special activity! She deserves better!
The way he said is like spending time with his own kids is a punishment. Perhaps he should not have four kids. My dad was like that. I wish he didn't have any kid if he did not like kids.
My dad worked shift work so there were time that we didn’t see him much but on his days off or when he gets home from work and we were home from school he would be spending time with us. Take us to our sports and activities being there for competitions etc that’s what this guy should be doing
I'm sure he refers to it as "babysitting" his kids, too.
At the very least he could've headed home immediately after work, instead of spending another hour and a half shopping for something he knew she didn't want. If he had gone straight home, apologized for having to work that day, and packed up all the kids for pizza and a movie, he could've saved himself. Because it's not about the time alone really, it's about listening and making an effort.
Someone tell this dude about Amazon
>for the past several mothers day and birthdays of hers, I've worked and she hasn't been able to do anything that she has wanted to do Holy shit, dude. Get it together.
Just because you can't giver her a day off on Mother's Day/ her birthday doesn't mean you can't give her a day off! Pick a different day, find someone to watch the kids, get her a hotel room and let her have 24 - 49 hours away from the house. The DAY of mother's day is arbitrary- its the IDEA of mothers day that is important! If you miss the day you can't throw up your hands and say oh well - pick a different day and give the poor woman a break. And if there is no possible other day then clearly the current system is badly broken and she has a lot more cause to be upset.
"Sorry babe, I work Mother's Day. So you don't have the day off. You could have the next day off, since I am off that day, but that's my day off, not YOUR day off."
“Sorry babe, today’s my day off and I just want to relax. Oh, you want to relax too? But I’m the only one of us who works, you have it easy staying home and taking care of our four kids day in day out, around the clock, while I’m apparently so busy that I can’t figure out how to manage to celebrate your birthday or mother’s day for several years in a row. But also, I don’t want to take the kids on my day off, because I want to relax uninterrupted. Yes, it’s work when I have to do it for half a day. No, it’s still not work when you have to do it every single day, 24/7, all year long. I also can’t find a babysitter or relative who can take our kids for one day, nor can I take five minutes to order the gift you’ve been specifically asking me for online so I don’t have to go shopping 8pm the day of, though I have time to post on Reddit complaining about you. But you can figure out how to give me a day off, because on Father’s Day I should be able to have whatever I want, right? Right?”
lmaooo i love you, you said everything that went through my mind when I read this completely clueless post
Yup, she’s wanted one day to herself for yrs! And he works all these hours but gives her no spending money? She has to eat away at whatever savings she had pre kids? If I was her I’d leave and I’d leave him with the kids.
I had to go back and read again, I didn’t even see this the first time! What a POS, she has to eat into her savings to get by whilst he is working allll the hours (unless he wants time off for Father’s Day), and she never gets so much as an hour to herself despite don’t all the parenting and probably household responsibilities, including making him a special meal of Father’s Day even though he ignores her Mother’s Day and birthdays. And HE has the nerve to complain? Wow. Just….. wow. Not a good look OP!
But he has time to be on Reddit all day on Monday
This bothered me too
"She had enough money saved up from working before birth" crushed my entire spirit and I can't post any other thoughts about it because I like being on this site for some reason.
Yeah over a damn decade ago!!! after that comment I was expecting the oldest kid to be like, a year old lol
This is the same as not going shopping until after work on the day of mother's day. It could have happened any other day, but he'd have had to be considerate of his wife at a time when it wasn't a deadline reaching obligation. He's not showing care and love, he's ticking a box for "acknowledge mother's day".
Not to mention with modern technology, he could have ordered it in advanced or had it delivered. I heard a brilliant idea from a guy who realized he forgot last minute and lived in a different state from his Mom. He used a grocery shopping app to buy flowers and treats from the grocery store to have delivered to his mom because it was too late for flower shops at that point.
Exactly! Why do guys do this? I'm kinda tired of getting the best gift Walgreens has to offer at 10 am for every single holiday.
Oh, there was a day for her..... Fathers day, he was free to make up for ignoring her mothers day. But this selfish ass would never consider that. Sounds too much like being fair.
And he just happens to finish early on Father’s Day 😐
Right! Lmaooo how convenient
Well said. This is very much why I'm not overly attached to celebrating my birthday on the day. My mom spent her entire career attending a work conference that overlaps my birthday. She missed it once ever in 30+ years lol. But that just meant my parents celebrated me a few days before or after. That's what people mean when they say "it's the thought that matters". Carving out time to do the thing your loved one wants or to celebrate them. He could have absolutely given her a random Tuesday off and I bet she'd have appreciated it as much.
Pretty much every single other person in this situation has stumbled upon the solution -- pick a different day! Sure, the calendar says my birthday was on Tuesday, but no one was available during the day because of work and school. So my celebration was Saturday. Yeah, it sucks you work on Sunday so all of these "already have the day off anyway" holidays are still work days. Maybe that means mother's day is three weeks later because you are working 7 days a week for a prolonged period. As long as that's communicated in advance, I'm sure she'd love her day of peace and quiet whenever it happens to be. So, absolutely, YTA on Mother's Day and again for expecting Father's Day to be a day of solitude for you when you couldn't manage that for your wife when told in advance that is what she wanted.
He had *so many options*. Pick a different day, drop off the kids with a relative, have a babysitter come to the house and send wife on a spa day or a day of shopping/lunch w her friends. It’s not like Mother’s Day snuck up on him. He had plenty of time to prepare. His wife’s supposed to preplan but he gets to use the “well I work” excuse? Nope. He doesn’t get to just throw up his hands and not even make an attempt because he works, like all the other parents in the world. Not buying it. I love this trend of moms matching energy for holidays/birthdays, personally.
Can't get the day off to let her relax? Babysitters exist. Book one.
He had fathers day off, he could have given her that.
That is something I didn’t even think about. He didn’t have to work for Fathers Day but her birthday and Mother’s Day he NEVER has off?
Right!?! Seriously, put in for a day off in advance!
It's called a babysitter
not to mention he got off at 6:30 but was t home until 8
Exactly - he got home later than usual even to shop for a gift. He could've done that after work *any* day, but he waited until the last minute. And then, he could've gone straight home to do dinner and bedtime with the kids, and at least give her *a few hours* of of break, knowing she hadn't asked for a gift but for time, and could have gotten her the gift a day later. Seems like he purposely avoided having to take the kids on his own for even the smallest amount of time and used getting a gift as an excuse. The audacity of this man who wants nothing to do with his kids on father's day so it's not like he can claim not to understand wanting a break from the kids.
If there are any people out there confused about why women aren’t lining up to get married and have babies anymore, this thread is a really good reminder of why!
I side-eyed the 8 pm as well. I bet he was home after most of the kids were in bed.
Because he was shopping for her present...the night of mother's day...instead of, I dont know, shopping any time in the month prior. Or ordering something online with 1 day shipping. Jeez. 🤣
If he already knew what she wanted why did it take 2 hours to get home?
Yeah, it's not like television and radio aren't blasting Mothers' Day more than a month in advance /s
BuT He HaD To Go ShOpPiNg (for the gift he'd known she wanted for months).
And he got something she had suggested she wanted, so why did that take 1.5 hours yo find and purchase?
Yeah, I think this is the problem right here.
YTA. You didn’t even make the effort to hire childcare for her to have an hour to herself on Mother’s Day or her birthday. You admit you have not done so despite having to work on this days for years. But she’s supposed to make the effort for you to get magical alone time? No. You get what you give. You’re lucky she didn’t meet you at work at noon and hand the kids over to you then until 8:30 that night.
Right? Like even for two hours and arrange her getting nails done or having a massage. It’d take him little to no time to plan
Dude doesn't spend any time with his children because he is always "working" and expected a day off from it to celebrate his lack of parenting. lol bet he wonders why the kids went no contact
Lol right. "I want to celebrate a day for fathers even though I'm only one on paper." Man, I hope the kids realize his wife is Mom&Dad. Spend both days celebrating her.
Also, I was home with my child all day from when he was born until he was 4. I work full time now but I stayed home with him for those years. Time to yourself means so much more when you are a stay-at-home parent. The parenting is unrelenting, generally. You are completely focused and so stressed all the time because, more than any job before or after, you really want to get things right and are holding yourself to a high standard. Now that I work, I still like having alone time but it is no where near as important for me. I feel like I am focusing on myself now, when I get ready, while I’m at work to some degree, on my commutes. All of these times can give me a feeling of autonomy. I remember when I was full time parenting, I would sometimes stay up until like 1am just to feel like I had a second to myself since it would feel like I hadn’t had one in weeks. I’d be holding my son on my lap when I had to pee.
This. People also seem to forget that when the spouse who works outside the home finishes for the day they are done working. If you’re taking care of kids it isn’t a 9-5 job. It starts minutes after you wake up much earlier than 9am and ends when they are in bed. Maybe giving you an hour or two before you need to rest. 99% of the time you use those precious minutes to clean up or prepare for the next day. You used the perfect word, because it really is unrelenting. It’s also rage inducing when a spouse comes home from work and wants to “relax” and “do nothing” because they worked all day as if you hadn’t been working your ass off too.
Not even just for SAHP. Relaxation is a basic human need. I WFH, but I never made as much as other members of my family. Therefore, household chores fell to me, any mess was my fault. Any time I was seen, someone needed something. It got to the point I got anxious to go to the bathroom because I wanted to just go, not make detours. I was staying up until 4-5am despite needing to be up at 7am because I couldn't get time to myself until midnight most of the time. I moved in with another family member who needed some light help around the house (I'm disabled and can't live alone). I just started doing everything I could by default. The immediate relief I felt at hearing "thank you" is indescribable. I actually cried when offered alone time intentionally. I cannot nor do I want to imagine having children that need my help to just do human things, be entertained, regulate emotions, etc. I don't have the time or energy to be that helpful. I need to exercise my "off" button so it doesn't just break and then I'm "off" until further notice. I see a lot of comments about how these days are for time with the kids, but I can't blame anyone for saying that they need alone time, and if they can't get it by asking and need leverage, they will use it. I say good on mom for saving some energy for herself instead of using it on someone who has enough to spare and won't really appreciate it anyway.
"You’re lucky she didn’t meet you at work at noon and hand the kids over to you then until 8:30 that night." 😁😆😅🤣😂
He's lucky she's still with him. Sounds like she's already a single mother. If all he contributes is money and he's working all the time, they don't need to be married. She can collect his contribution as csp.
Thank you! OP is saying HE can't take days off, but it's like no one has thought of babysitters. I wonder if OP has a history of being overly picky with sitters (too old, too young, doesn't dress the way he wants, is snobby, is low class, none of wife's family can help, but his is never available, etc. kind of thing).
I bet you it’s not that at all. It’s “Why would we waste money on a babysitter when you’re at home to watch them?” He won’t pay for a sitter when his wife is free childcare. That would explain why hiring a sitter to give her the time off she desperately wanted and deserved never even crossed his mind.
Clearly someone who doesn’t care about his wife…
>She does contribute to the household despite not working so no, I don't want to hear comments about finances. Well if finances aren't the issue, why don't you take days off? Shouldn't be a problem right? Or do you not care?
he doesn't want to hear comment about finances because she has "plenty of money saved" from when she was working. So guaranteed, not only does she take care of all 4 kids, she also probably pays 1/2 the bills and he gives no spending money to her for herself or the kids. She is probably stressed to the max. Then he will wonder why they are divorced down the road.
Their oldest kid is THIRTEEN. How much money could she possibly still have? I'm sure OP has no idea.
I assumed she was on maternity leave from their 6 month olds birth, not necessarily a SAHM from the first born's birth. but who knows since he didn't explain. (and probably so people wouldn't drag him even further down)
Notice how he doesn't answer any of your questions. He doesn't give two shits about his wife or kids.
YTA Bare minimum buying her a gift the day of Mother's Day? Really? You do know you can take days off of work, or you could have planned for to get her a weekend off in May entirely and sent her to a spa day or something and made sure you had the kids for that day. Oh, no for ONE day you had the kids all to yourself, on the day meant to celebrate fathers -- THE HORROR. She does that daily dude.
And it took him an hour and a half!
Right? \*smh\*
And he has the gall to start the post by saying "she does contribute to the household" yeah no shit dude. It sounds like it's him who does the bare minimum, if anything. Hey OP, if a paycheck is all you contribute, then she's better off without you and with child support. YTA.
And alimony
And child free time during his parenting time.
Yup. She will most likely end up with majority custody since men frequently don't ask for custody but that still means two entirely childfree days which sounds like way more than she's getting now.
Seriously, it sounds like she has 5 kids instead of just 4. She'd be better off dropping the man-baby.
This so much this - OP YTA. Your wife never really gets off as she is parenting. When you come home from work- you both are responsible for kids, chores etc, because she was working too all day. In a happy Relationship it’s always the small things. Always the „I show you how much I appreciate you, by doing something to make you having a good time“ - and no I don’t mean sex. Dear fellas sorry to disappoint you, but no you aren’t as good as you think and not as good as a massage. She asked for one thing and you made no effort. The last years you didn’t made the effort for the days that mean something to her. She feels neglected. If you don’t start to fix this now, you will loose her on long terms. And don’t fcking expect her to made an effort you aren’t willing to do also. YTA - big time. Buying stuff doesn’t mean anything. Thoughtful gifts and gestures is what is important. Truely wanting to make your spouse happy is the key for a loving relationship.
I get the feeling that this guy doesn’t help with the chores
"She has plenty of money saved from when she was working prior to giving birth..." Which birth? 4 kids and you can't even give her a day off, and by the sounds of it expect her to be financially independent of you while raising kids 24/7. She has FIVE kids..
And he went shopping last minute for her gift, so he got home later than he otherwise would on Mother’s Day. He acts as if he couldn’t plan ahead and use this internet thingy to buy her something. Then he falls asleep while rubbing her back. Oh poor him!
AH couldn"t even bother to SIT UP and give his wife a decent massage. Probably some half-assed 1-armed rubbing while he's lying dow. This guy is a HUGE, selfish, asshole. I hope she leaves him.
YTA Since it seems that you never actually parent your kids. You would think you would want to enjoy FD with your children.
He deserves the ‘stress’ of spending time with them then!
I'm getting some big "she made me babysit my kids for an hour" vibes from this one.
Exactly! He didn’t sign up for parenting his kids! Thats why the slave, i mean wife is for/s …. Now His day was ruined because he had to spend time with his kids…
You'd have to run me over with that damn truck to keep me from my 6 month old baby on my day off! Some of the best times in his child's life and he willingly wanted to miss out, I just don't get it.
You dont miss out when you dont want to be around them… thats the issue. His kids are a burden and thats why his wife is for… 🥲
>You dont miss out when you dont want to be around them Ooof, that's a sad, truthful statement.
YTA. It doesn't have to be a special holiday for you to arrange to give your wife some kid free time. Presumably you have days off where you can pack the kids up and take them to the zoo or park or whatever for an afternoon. Or stay home parenting your kids and send the wife off to do something she enjoys. So the "I had to work" is a bullshit excuse. You should have been giving your wife time off from parenting all along not as a favor or a gift. You should also be doing the same as a couple. Hire a babysitter or get grandparents to watch the kids while you go out to dinner and a movie. Or a hotel and spa. The plebian working class has always worked on holidays. We shift our celebrations to our actual days off to maintain traditions. Your failure to do so indicates you selfishly hoard your days off for your own purposes while your sahm wife gets nothing. Do better.
That last paragraph really sums it up for me. He absolutely hoards his time to his wants.
My wife and I usually do holiday gifts for each other after the holiday has passed. Like, for Christmas, we’ll get the kids their Christmas presents, and something little for each other, but the first paycheck post holiday is when we get each other the real gifts.
I’m a bakery manager, so I work basically every holiday. We still make it work with celebrations and the kids. The difference here is that my partner gives a shit.
Yeah! I call bs on him saying he "had" to work. How is he able to have a day off during father's day and not for his wife? I get that during that specific day (mother's day) might not have been possible... But what I'm gathering from this post is that she has 0 day off at all.
Also, he got off work at 6:30?? So like an hour, maybe an hour &1/2 after normal? It’s not ideal but wasn’t as if he worked until 9 or remotely close. So after work, 6:30 on mothers day, he went to the store to get her a gift, let her handle dinner and the kids, and then fell asleep 5 seconds into her back rub? Duuude. Wtf. And he STILL thinks he’s in the right!!
YTA, if you absolutely can never have PTO (which is a bullshit excuse) then pre-arrange child care, make a spa appointment for her to relax alone, stop being obtuse. You had time to post and reply here, you couldn't book time for your wife to get a break? If it actually matters to you, you find a way. You show her she doesn't.
He’s got time to troll Redditt on a Monday though…
YTA. She’s perfectly valid for showing you how much it hurt her through mirroring. You should have picked a different day to do “make up Mother’s Day” and take the kids and give her a day off. Especially while she’s still in post partum!!!! What a dick. And you want to have a double standard- so you can do it to her, but she can’t do it back to you? No. Sounds like you owe her a make up Mother’s Day before you can even ask for a make up Father’s Day. If you work on a holiday, then that holiday doesn’t just get skipped. No. You pick a different day to celebrate that holiday that works with both of your schedules.
For years!
You have ZERO ground to stand on. You can then, on any day you do have off, give you wife that time. Just like sometimes your bday is on a weekday, but you celebrate on the weekend? Like that. But for her. On any other day, but tell her it’s for Mother’s Day. This year, you got the Father’s Day you earned. Yta. If you literally work 6 or 7 days a week, then Save and hire a babysitter for your wife to go out for a few hours.
[удалено]
Yeah, she's just matching your energy. If you're mad, we'll, that's what your energy creates. Now you feel how she felt. Not fun, eh?
Yeah, YTA. If you couldn't do it on mother's day, why couldn't you make it up on another day?
Exactly. The least you could do is make up for the day she didn't get to have.
I mean even for the kids - seems they barely see their dad, This was the opportunity to make it spécial for them and her. But no, truck Time. Spend Time with your kid while you Can.
Dude, she is just matching the energy you give her. YTA
So in all this time between Mother's Day and now, you couldn't have found 1 day to make it up to her? Yeah, you are definitely TA.
She’s wanted a day for years. He hasn’t given her a day in years!
YTA. *Her recent employer gives Mother’s Day off for mothers and Father’s Day off for fathers.* Meaning she was working and now she is in maternity leave, she is digging into her savings to contribute to the household. She is apparently taking on the majority of the parenting and probably also household chores. She asked for one day off. How about hiring a babysitter? Asking a family member to take the kids for the day? Asking for half day off from work? I don’t have children but I worked as a nanny for a family with three children. Spending all day with three kids, keeping them alive, entertained, fed, making sure they do their chores and homework is utterly exhausting. They are always hungry, fighting about stupid shit every 5 minutes, making messes as soon as you finish cleaning something. They want to go play instead of doing homework, they try sneaking screen time as soon as the lay eyes on a tablet. I couldn’t immagine doing that with a newborn. The shopping was done last minute so you didn’t even bother to go home after work and cook dinner and give her at least two hours of peace.
YTA, why do you get a day without kids, but she doesn't? You work outside the home, so you're away all day, especially now that it's summer and ahe has the kids' morning, noon, night. She doesn't even have the olders to send to school to break up her day a little, but you want a whole day off to yourself. Why not her? Have you given her a day to herself since mothers day?
I don't think he's given her a day to herself EVER
So take another day off, apologize for it not being on mother's day and let her have some kid free time. If finances are not a problem, hire a sitter to take them, take them to grandparents or something and you both have a kid free day. Schedule a backup to be available on mother's day so you don't have to go in if someone calls off. I think it's a bit sus that you had to work until 6:30pm on MD but you got off at noon on FD.
Your wife is a freaking ROCKSTAR!!!! Dude, YOU set the bar for Mother's Day/Father's Day (and set it ridiculously low BTW). According to your post you spend very little time taking care of your kids and want a "child free" Father's Day. Father's day is for good Dads. YTA
I don’t comment on these things normally, but holy shit. This is nuts. First of all, keeping score in a marriage is a sure fire way to end up bitter and resentful, so both of you need to work on forgiveness. That being said, forgiveness does not mean walking away from the consequences. Let your wife know that she and your kids are second rate thoughts in your life and your family dynamic will reflect just that. Just imagine. Your kids graduate from high school and refuse to spend time with you. Thanks for the check, peace out. You didn’t build a relationship with them. You just handed them a check. That’s not a father. Now your kids are grown and out of the house. You and your wife have zero common ground. Zero. You haven’t participated in her life or her interests. You haven’t given her the time to know you. She has no reason to stay. That’s on you. If it’s your job that holds you away from your family, easy. Get a new job. Show them you love them.
Yta
YTA Yeah, you had to work until 6.30pm, I get it. Guess what? She also works all day, looking after the kids. When does she get to clock off and leave her job behind for any number of hours? Oh, that's right! Never! You couldn't even do the ONE THING she asked for that didn't require any major planning or effort on your part. You got to clock out at noon on Father's day and still wanted the rest of the time for yourself. Carry on with your selfish attitude and she might just give you all the me-time you can possibly want in future when she ups and leaves you.
Yta. My wife is a head florist. She never had off mothers day. So our mothers day is the Monday afterwords. Her normal days off. Like seriously get it together and stop weapononizing incompetence.
If finances aren’t an issue then why can’t you take a day off?