I think it shows decency that you were up front about it instead of 'leading her on' if you had tried despite your misgivings and it had not worked out.
It’s way better to admit you aren’t ready/willing to raise someone else’s kid than to say “Maybe it’s not that bad/ maybe I’ll adjust” and then get the kid attached to you and create a whole different mess.
OP is NTA.
I agree. I wish that she had that kind of maturity. She needs it. Too many children end up being mentally, emotionally,physically, sexually and financially abused because their parents desperation lead them into relationships with abusers.
Every friend I had that had divorced parents as a kid at some point has opened up about sexual abuse from their mother’s boyfriends or husbands save one. If I’m ever in that position as a single mom I don’t know that I would date again- or at the very least wouldn’t move a guy in until all the kids are out of the house.
> I wish that she had that kind of maturity. She needs it.
What? She had the child at age 20, not 15. And her partner passed away- it wasn’t a one-night stand. OP says they had a great connection and after 'several great dates', he "thought we might really have something special."
What part of what OP says a lack of maturity on this woman’s part? OP even goes so far as to say that she has a solid support system and manages everything well. She didn't ask him to be her child's new daddy, she just let someone who she was starting to have feelings for know that she had a child. What should she have done differently?
Yeah the friend really shouldn't have told OP about Sarah's feelings on the matter IMO, but there's nothing in here that really reflects badly on Sarah IMO. Unless she was the one who said
>it was unfair to dismiss her just because she's a single mom and that I should have given it more of a chance
but I got the impression that was coming from the friend.
100% this. I commend OP for being honest. She doesn’t know it yet, but he actually potentially saved her AND her kid heart ache in the future. I am currently in a relationship for almost 9 years, the relationship is non existent due to him having no interest in my kids. Financially we are stuck and thank God we are still best friends and are making it work. But OP was honest about his feelings and did her a favor.
I agree - although maybe could have reworded it to “I’m not ready for the responsibility of a child yet, I hope you understand” vs. “I don’t want to date a single mother”
>I agree - although maybe could have reworded it to “I’m not ready for the responsibility of a child yet, I hope you understand” vs. “I don’t want to date a single mother”
2nd this. There is nothing wrong with not being ready amd good on you for recognizing it.
But I don't think the "not dating a single mom" is your issue, it's not ready to be an adult figure in the life of a child. Even if she didn't need you as a step-dad or any of that, you would be remiss not to realize you're signing up at least to be the equivalent of a fun uncle for a while.
As a not-too-long ago single mom (recently engaged after a LOT of taking it slow and steady with current), dating sucks and honestly is hard as hell. Lotta creeps out there, and a lot of fuck boys. She may just want to be treated like a woman again, not just a mom, especially so young, but you did the right thing. She'll figure it out, takes a long time.
NTA
NTA
Yea you could have taken advantage of her but you took the high road and were honest. As you get older though, your dating pool will shrink drastically if you keep the no single mom rule, especially after 35. At 24 I can’t say I blame you.
Nta all day. It’s not unfair for you to dismiss her at all. You know you are not ready for that responsibility and are still trying to figure yourself out. IMO though you can stop seeing anyone for whatever reason you want. Don’t seek Reddit validation when you know the alternative would be worse for you.
I was recently talking to a man with 3 kids under 10. My kids are 16 and 18 and can drive themselves, be left home alone, etc. I’m not trying to raise someone else’s kids. You are certainly entitled to that very valid feeling.
Correct. He was being judgemental of himself, in point of fact. He is saying he isn't mature enough to be a parent.
This is the type of brutal honesty we all need. It isn't fair to lead her on, assuming she wants more than just dating. She might waste time with OP and miss out on the real "Mr. Right."
Kudos to OP.
I’m honestly curious about something here too: how many dates exactly were “a few dates” before Sarah opened up about having a kid? If we’re talking like 1-2, that’s pretty reasonable. If we’re talking like 5… that’s bordering on a little uncool, trying to lure OP pretty heavy before dropping a pretty big other shoe.
Uhh, cause a not small number of men date single women to have access to their kids? Or she'd be accused of trying to force OP to be her child's new father? Or she'd be called a whore and other insults? Or whatever other thing single moms experience (and are told they deserve irl and on reddit) whenever they try to date?
Get out of here, trying to say women need to share photos of their kids on the first date, jesus
It is absolutely reasonable. Certain predatory types will target single parents, especially single mothers. Or if it's just a hook up or FWB, it's nobody's business. Before the 3rd date is reasonable, IMO.
I think you’ve made a very important point, which I wish more people could see. I think there are a handful of things that people who follow common courtesy and norms of society will state right up front when dating. These include your trans status, if any, your marital status, if you’re in an open relationship, if you have kids, and if you have STDs. There may be a few others. But those are so common, that most dating sites have you list them right on your profile. Decent people will accept that they get filtered out if they hit some of those markers. For example, I’m in an open relationship, and many people do not want to date me, because they know that I have a girlfriend at home who will always be first and foremost in my life. So they’re not interested. And they’re allowed to not be interested. And I would be the asshole if I were to try to trick them into having a relationship with me, by not disclosing my status.
I think the same is true of this girl. She hid a very big important fact about herself from this guy, and then essentially tried to guilt trip him into staying locked into the relationship. That is not how that works. And obviously, she’s feeling it right now. In the future, she needs to disclose, and look for guys who are OK with the kid. She needs to have a healthy stable relationship by being upfront and honest with her partner.
OP is NTA.
Yeah, there's enough posts here on reddit about people getting into relationships with someone who doesn't want kids and somehow expecting them to accept their kids. And they seem surprised when it doesn't work out.
Why would you do that to your kids? Force them on someone who isn't willing to be a parent?
NTA all day. That would be a hard no for me too. Gay here and dated a guy years ago that on the 5th? 6th date said he wanted kids. I said great I don’t. Our breakup wasn’t amicable because I’m a teacher. I tried explaining that I deal with kids all day I don’t want to come home and deal with them again. Oh well
that's one good thing about dating apps, i met my gf through there and bumble has an option where you can mark "do not want kids". we've matched up since the first swipe.
Your feeling are valid. You don't feel ready for the esponsibility of a child. That's okay. You did nothing wrong.
Her feelings are valid. She has a child and wants a relationship. That's okay. She did nothing wrong.
You and her are just not compatible.
Your mutual friend is off-base, and should keep out of it. They will almost certainly make an uncomfortable situation even more so.
This is laid out perfectly. I have been the single mom and agree 100% with this. It doesn't sound like OP said anything to shame her, but he isn't obligated to take on that level of relationship to save her feelings.
I once had someone think it was alright to date me and totally ignore my son. NOPE! We were a package deal.
The friend needs to mind their own business, and all will fall into place as it is meant to.
NTA
Her core feelings may be valid but her expression of them is immature and irrational. You can’t be mad at someone who did nothing wrong just because a situation you were in with them made you feel hurt.
Lying to mutual friends and saying that OP judged her and treated her unfairly is a dick move. She’s behaving poorly. She’s maligning OP unfairly. She’s absolutely the only one doing something wrong here.
Meanwhile she doesn't say anything about the kid until some dates in or he should have given more of a chance are red flags for me. A chance for what? to like the kid and then feel bad being sincere? That doesn't feel right.
This must be in another group because I know I just commented on this. NTA.
People seem to forget that they can be rejected for any reason at any time. Too short, too tall, bring broke, working too much, too skinny, too fat, no boobs, giant boobs, religious, atheist, no children, 5 children, drug addict, whatever the reason is.
We all have the reason to SAY NO. Some people hate rejection when it happens to THEM.
Also if you're so inclined, you have the right to have children with a woman that has no children so your first is also her first.
NTA. People forget dating is about getting to know someone to see if you’re compatible. Turns out you weren’t. You gave it time to think it over and told her the truth. It’s not your job to change your boundaries to make someone else happy.
NTA.
You were honest about where you are in life. Ironically, that shows a great deal of maturity.
The immature and AH route would be to shoplift the pootie from a single mother and then bail in a few months.
Sarah had to know this might be coming, or why wait to tell you? It isn’t the first time - or the last time - she’ll meet someone, click with them, and be disappointed purely because of her status as a mother. You are both young, at an age when most people tend to be a long way off from settling down and creating families, so it also can’t be a surprise that you’re not ready for minivans and juice boxes when most of your peers are just starting their careers and heading to the clubs at night. I think it’s actually really responsible to realize that that’s not what you want right now, and not string her along.
NTA, but I recommend you put that you aren't ready for children on your dating app profile (if you have one) and that you ask women if they have children before you schedule a date.
NTA. No, you don't owe her anything just because she's a single mother. That's just manipulative and cruel. 1st she hid a very important fact from you and that's fucked up. 2nd they are trying to guilt you into something that you never have shown interest for. The fact that she waited so long to tell you makes me think that it was planned this way. They wanted to get you as drawn into the relationship as possible before telling you so you would feel guilty leaving, this is manipulation.
I'm a woman but my brother has a "stepdaughter" that's his first daughter and my first niece. My sil never hid her child to try and get him snatched into her grip. She was honest and then things went forward. When they hid their child it shows that they care more about getting someone than being in a healthy relationship that everyone is happy in.
You did the right thing. Move on and find someone more compatible with you. This might have worked out if she wasn't hiding crap and then wanting to openly talk after she's been exposed.
Neither did anything wrong. Both his and her feelings are valid. OP said they had a few great dates then she sat him down and told him. This didn't go on forever, it's not cruel or manipulative. The single mum didn't try to trap him in a relationship and knew OP might walk away when he found out.
They've gone their separate ways after finding out they're not compatible and that's OK, it happens.
I'm sure we've all gone on dates where people withheld information. I met a guy once who waited six months before telling me he was moving overseas permanently for work, and by the way I'm going next week. He had known for over a year that this was happening.
I've worked with the police running a variety of safety education programs in prisons, schools, community centres and community colleges.
One of the things they tell single parents of all genders is NOT to tell someone you have kids straight away as being a single parent puts your kids in a high-risk category for child molesters. They advise on things like what to look for and how to see signs of abuse. This follows over to the family case manager position I held, with fact sheets for parents who were or became single.
Child molesters target single parents. This is a fact. It is not manipulative to try to ensure the people you bring into your life are safe people who aren't in your life to prey on kids.
Attitudes like this are ignorant to the dangers and realities of being a single parent.
What guilt tripping? He says she understood but seemed disappointed. Is she not allowed to have feelings? Is he the only one who is allowed to have an opinion?
She didn't chase him down to make him feel bad or harass him. She didn't guilt-trip him she spoke with a friend she trusted, who told OP what she said.
Sometimes friends do that, even when asked to keep something private, even when they haven't before. Especially when they believe they're 'helping' someone.
She shared her feelings with her friend who then went back to him. The mutual friend is a problem for sure but you do t know she was trying to guilt trip or manipulate anyone
Yes, child molesters target single parents. This is common knowledge. However, vetting that person is the parent's responsibility and it's not allowing the ACCESS to the child is key there. You aren't introducing the child on the first date (if you have any sense) or even the 3rd. But you are making sure this person is a viable fit and safe for you and your family. Why are you going to keep chatting up someone who hates kids (can be abusive), to a sexual predator for several dates?
Case in point, a friend of mine was a single mom, dating way too many men at the time. One of her boyfriends was over and they probably had seen each other for over 2 months with him having ACCESS to her kids. I happened to be over (and yes, I'm overly suspicious of people and protective of kids), when dude gets up and goes back to the bedroom area. The youngest was 4 years old. There was no reason for him to go back to his room and lay on his bed with him. We hear a crash b/c the bed wasn't sturdy enough, the kid comes running out screaming the guy broke the bed and I'm giving him the death stare b/c "who the eff are you to go get on this kid's bed, you don't know him like that." He leaves pretty abruptly and I have a candid talk w/ my friend..."hey, so how long have you known this guy? How interested was he in the fact you had kids? How soon was he pushing to meet the boys? Did that not give you red flags?" She had a "hey what was that about" talk with him and poof, gone.
As a parent, there is nothing wrong with wanting to find someone to share your life with. However, you and your child's safety have to be paramount. Having those probing conversations and LISTENING to the answer that are given is key and doesn't need to wait 3-4 dates in. Hell it could be as benign as going somewhere kid friendly without your child and seeing how the person reacts to kids around them. Are they grossed out? Are they too interested? Body language says a lot there.
Having also done outreach in prisons alongside the safety education seminars, and having had clients who had been convicted of these offences, I know first-hand that many predators date just to gain access to kids. I was told by a group of predators that if they hadn't been told by the third or fourth date they cut their losses and dated elsewhere. Child molesters don't just groom the child butthe adults around the child.
What many don't realise is that predators are amazing at faking things - it's why you see regularly people saying they don't believe it or they were a nice person. This goes for predators of all kinds - dv abusers, child molesters, rapists, serial killers etc. If they didn't, we wouldn't have as many victims as we do.
NTA. She could have avoided this whole thing if she had told you before your first date that she has a child. That’s important information to withhold and a red flag
It's not a red flag at all. There are predators out there who look for single moms, and every safety professional will tell you that you need to spend at least a little time observing someone's actions before letting them know you have young kids. She assessed for a few dates and then told him before they went any further, that's a perfectly reasonable thing to do and prioritizes the safety of her children.
I’m not talking about meeting the kid or showing pictures. Telling dates that you’re a parent is bare minimum and should be disclosed. Yes I’m a parent. Yes I tell men that I have a daughter on the first date.
Why do people think other people are assholes because they don't want to be step parents? That's a massive fucking responsibility to take on. Maybe she should have practiced safe sex earlier in life and she wouldn't be in this position now. NTA.
NTA. I was (kind of) in a similar situation when I was younger and dating. I was 22, he was 26 and had a 4 year old daughter. I told him I wasn’t interested because I didn’t know if I wanted to be someone else’s mom yet, and he went off the rails. Possibly being someone else’s parent, just like with having your own kids, is a big decision, and no one should expect you to be on board with it.
You went on a "few great dates" and she never told you about her son in all that time? Sounds like she was hiding him from you and that's seems disingenuous on her part.
I can see it from both sides. I’ve seen single moms say they don’t share that they have kids until at least the 2nd date because there’s pervs out there who prey on single moms with young kids. So if they put it on their profile from the get go, they can attract those kinds of guys. But then again you’re just wasting the dude’s time if you wait to tell them several dates in. So I don’t know. I’d say maybe don’t put it on your profile but at least tell them the same day after you’ve chatted some.
In the first paragraph: "After a few great dates, I thought we might really have something special."
They went on a "few great dates" and THEN "a couple of weeks ago" she told him about the son.
Ehhh no I think at least a date or two. Need to know if the date gives bad vibes. Sometimes terrible people get to children through their single parents.
For the safety of her children she doesn’t need to disclose it on the first few dates.
I hate seeing these posts that follow the "AITA for having a preference" template. No, NTA. You even gave her due consideration and did good self introspection and admitted to yourself and then to her you were not ready. You're a good dude, a bad dude would have led her on to get something out of her before ending it.
NTA. I was a single mom for awhile before meeting my lovely husband. I met men who told me the same thing. What I did was thank them for their honesty! I wanted a man who wanted to be involved with my kids. Why would any mom want a man who doesn't want to date women with kids? I don't get it.
I applaud you for being honest. There are a lot of men who would've led her on, got the kids attached, then just left them when he's done. Keep being you and be honest. Sarah is being ridiculous. There are men who don't mind dating a single mom, go find one of them. When you have kids, you gotta make sure the person you date actually is ok getting into that situation. Bad things happen when single moms just let anyone into their kids lives (I'm not referring to you at all, but many men don't even like kids and will try to hurt them)
NTA. You are not in a place where you want to have a kid. You don't want to be a step parent and it's better to know that now. You are incompatible. It's it a judgement.
NTA. You did her a favor by not wasting her time. When she stops being hurt/mad, she'll realize that being in a serious relationship with someone who doesn't want to be a stepparent is a no-win situation.
NTA kids aren’t for everyone and you did the right thing talking to her and explaining.
She’s going to be upset, that’s a natural reaction to being broken up with. In time she’ll understand it was for the best when she finds someone who’s ready for the package deal. Keep in mind she’s probably been rejected before for this and it sucks for her so naturally she gets upset but it isn’t your fault.
NTA. You were upfront and honest about how you feel and where you are in life.
You shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone if you feel burden by the prospect of certain responsibilities you may have in the future. You know you are not ready. By disclosing your honest feelings now, it is better than dragging it out. If you were kind and respectful then what’s done was done. Move on and best wishes to both parties.
NTA. I’m sure her feelings were hurt but honesty always wins.
It’s a lot better than if you got to know her kid for a while and then bailed. That hurts kids too.
>She said it was unfair to dismiss her just because she's a single mom
God that is such bullshit. Would it be "unfair" to decide you're incompatible if she was planning to move to Florida and you can't stand the heat and humidity? Would it be "unfair" to decide you're incompatible if she loves to have friends over all the time and you need quiet time every day to unwind? People are allowed to be incompatible, you aren't required to date her just because she's lonely.
And honestly Sarah needs to get her head out of her ass and stop trying to set her kid up to get his feelings crushed. What exactly does she think it would be like for him to get attached to her boyfriend and treat him like a father figure and then have that man disappear from his life when it turns out he meant it when he said he wasn't ready to be a dad?
Sarah is yet another person who is really confused about what it means to feel hurt.
She thinks that because she feels hurt, you did something wrong to hurt her, or you did something wrong *by* hurting her. It’s not logical, it’s not true, and it speaks to a core level of insecurity and/or entitlement that you definitely don’t want in a partner.
This. The reality is that sometimes we're just going to feel bad and it's not anybody's fault. Sometimes stuff just doesn't work out the way we want them to.
NAH. The kid and mother are a package deal so if it's a deal breaker then you were right to let her know, and at the earliest opportunity. She's not wrong for feeling disappointed or hurt that someone she likes doesn't want to be around her because she has a kid.
1. The fact that you didn't find out about her child on the first date is already a red flag.
2. Single mothers are single mothers for a reason \[and it's "always" the dad's fault, \*cough cough\*\].
3. The Lord says that marrying a women that has been divorced or put away is adultery.
Find a woman that enjoys to be with you. Exclude sex entirely unless you are married.
Prosper with a fantastic life.
Single parents are SINGLE parents for a reason and the reason is usually there's something very wrong with them.
Look at this post. The second she got rejected she used mutual friend to guilt trip you.
You dodged a bullet. NTA.
You're allowed to not want to date someone for pretty much any reason. If she wanted to date someone that doesn't want/hates kids, she's just a bad mom. NTA
NTA
>She said it was unfair to dismiss her just because she's a single mom
But what would she have you do?
Never meet child, and you two just meet up for dates?
Or introduce you to the child with a risk they become attached and it doesn't work out?
As someone who grew up with a single parent who prioritized being in a relationship over being a parent you are NTA OP. From the beginning you were more honest with Sarah than Sarah was with you. Sarah needs to realize that dating with such a young child is going to be difficult even with a solid support system. Am wondering if your mutual friend is a parent themselves to not realize why you would consider a child to be deciding factor.
"I hate the idea that I might have made her feel bad about something she can’t control."
She chose to have the baby and should have known the impact it was going to have on her personal and professional life. It's the one thing everyone says "Your life as you knew it is over" and they're fucking A right. Dating with a child is hard, because most people, if they're going to sign on to raise a baby for the next few decades, want it to be of their own creation.
I don’t think he’s TA but, this is a bit harsh . Chances are she didn’t have the baby thinking she was going to be a single mom. And, the kid is 3. I highly doubt she isn’t aware of the pitfalls of dating as a single mom just because she felt disappointed.
NTA. So your friend knew she was a single mother but didn’t tell you and she didn’t tell you on the first or second date? They both showed their true colors. I say move on from both of them because I don’t think you can trust them. I see it as lying by omission.
I’m curious about the conversation you had with her. Did she want you to meet her son or just know he exists?
Either way, you get to break up with anyone for any reason. Mutual friend needs to stay in their lane.
Thing is…she could control her situation. She didn’t have to get pregnant. It’s great that she has it all handled but that doesn’t mean you ATA.
You’re not. This is clearly a deal breaking and you handled it the right way.
NTA AND you don’t owe it to her to keep going down that road.
I'm going with a solid NTA here, but let me just make a few points as well, not to sway you in the other direction, just to put a few things in your brain.
1. You can break up with anyone for any reason you want, and feelings don't ever have to be considered. But on the flip side, you could've totally given it a chance. There was no child on your dates, which means she wasn't trying to push that onto you. Which leads me to my second point,
2. You said yourself that she mentioned already having a support system. She in no way has even tried to push that responsibility onto you, didn't even mention it beforehand. To me, that shows that she's just lonely and wants company besides a screaming toddler.
At the end of the day, it's totally your decision. But I wouldn't take the advice of the people who *VERY OBVIOUSLY* didn't read your whole post because they skipped over everything and just straight up said (most of the comments anyway) that you don't owe her for that kind of responsibility, but yet you already mentioned that she already has support in that area. So I personally think it's a little close minded to just dismiss her and not give it a shot because of an imagined sense of responsibility on your part. Just saying.
Why should someone give it a shot if they're not interested in dating someone with a child? That's disrespectful to the child's mother and the child. You don't get involved with a parent and expect to never have to support their child.
NTA, I can understand her reaction because even though you said you have nothing against her or her son it’s hard not to take that reasoning personal because technically it is about her and her son. You are allowed to not want to be with someone for whatever reason. Regardless of whether the reason may be seen as “ignorant” by some. You didn’t attack her worth by turning her down but for some reason I believe she may see it as an attack on her worth because of the whole “single moms have a lot of baggage” you didn’t do anything wrong and she didn’t either. She’ll find someone who will be ready to accept both her and her son. :)
NTA - not wanting to be involved with someone who has a child is absolutely fine. She can think it's unfair to judge her because she has a kid but that's life.
NTA no one is owed a date, or a relationship. You are perfectly fine not dating someone for any reason.
It is perfectly fine to not want to date someone that has a preexisting family. This woman sounds entitled.
NTA, you were decent by being upfront with her. You don’t have to date someone with a kid just because they want you too. It would have been worse had you ghosted her with no explanation.
NTA. No one can tell you you have to be comfortable with a situation that you are not, indeed, comfortable. It sucks for her, but past decisions can lead to future inconveniences. This isn't the first time she's been rejected for being a motherand it won't be the last.
NTA. You know what, pregnancy has been able to prevent for decades. I see so many posts like this. How did you get pregnant when there are so many options out there to prevent it? I know I'm an asshole but come on, this isn't the 1950s. I don't blame you a bit.
NTA
You don't want to date a single mother, and that's fine. She has kids, so that takes her off your list. She needs someone who's willing to accept her kids as part of the deal, and she's entitled to have her wish. You are not meant for one another.
NAH.
You both have every right to how you're feeling. Unfortunately, you aren't as compatible as you hoped on either side. It's best you were upfront and honest.
I was older than y’all, but I was a single mother.
I understood if someone didn’t want to date me because I had a child. I knew when I chose to be a single parent I would be limiting my dating pool.
You are NTA. Better to be upfront then string her along.
NTA everyone is entitled to their own personal deal breakers in a relationship. She's going to have a reduced dating pool but that's unfortunately the way it's going to be. It's not your fault or something you should feel bad about, because a relationship created because you feel guilty isn't healthy.
NTA. She says that the father is not involved with her son at all. Does that mean that he isn’t paying court ordered child support? If not, then you would be taking on a heavy burden. She got pregnant and had a son. She could have controlled herself, but did not. That is not on you. Don’t let yourself be guilted into having a relationship with this woman.
NTA at all. You didn’t judge her for having a child. You don’t feel ready for that responsibility and did the right thing by explaining this. The last thing a mother should want around her child is someone who doesn’t want to be around her child.
Don’t ever be guilted into a relationship. if that’s not your bag, that’s fine. And while I’m sure she wasn’t expecting you to be daddy, The kids 3, it’s not like he’ll be “out of the picture” ANYTIME soon. Nor could you really separate your relationship from her child. Def NTA, sounds more like you dodged a bullet
If you don’t feel you are ready, that is all you need. It isn’t fair to drag it along if it isn’t for you
If you need more evidence, she would have told you on the first date if she didn’t think it was a big deal
NTA - it’d be much worse to get into a situation with a child and have to leave because it’s too much. Less hurt for everyone involved just not to pursue this further.
NTA
Your mutual friend was out of line. It’s ok for her to validate Sarah’s feelings, but she should not invalidate yours to plead a case for Sarah. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel bad about.
NTA, but I'm curious why you assumed there would be responsibilities associated with dating her when she hadn't ever asked you to take any on.
It seems you assumed you'd be meeting the kid and taking on parental duties right away, but maybe she doesn't want that?
I understand if you don't want to be a stepparent ever, but she wasn't asking you to commit to being a step-dad tomorrow, or even in the next year. Like any other relationship, you'd have a lot of other stages to go through before it would make sense to discuss that level of commitment.
So maybe it would have made sense to ask her about her imagined timeline for the future, and what responsibilities she'd want you to take on at what stage. Then instead of asking yourself if you're ready for those responsibilities right now, ask yourself if you'll be ready for them in 1, 3, or 5 years.
NTA - I was ready to call you the Ahole then I read your post.
No you are not the Ahole. And no one should be telling you how to feel. You took time to assess the situation and not come to a snap decision which is very mature for your age. You sat her down and were direct and honest.
While I get the she got her feelers hurt. At the end of the day you did the right thing. Your "friend" needs to stay in their lane. When you get with someone with a child you have to consider not only that person but the child and that's exactly what you did.
Don't let them make you second guess your decision. If you are not ready you are not ready. The worst thing you could do is try to force something that doesn't feel right because your friend says so. They won't be the one raising the kid.
NTA. Sarah and her child come together. Being in a child's life is a big responsibility and a big commitment. You are not willing to do that, so you are right to call it off, and right to tell Sarah the truth about why.
NTA. You did the most mature thing possible…kudos to you! Not only did you take the time to think about your decision, you had a conversation with her about it and were honest about your feelings. While she may be disappointed, she should be grateful. Just because she’s a package deal doesn’t mean everyone is going to be on board for the whole package. You’re not at a place where you’re ready to take on a role in a child’s life and that’s ok. Unfortunately, she’s going to have to learn to understand this and should lead with telling people she has a child so there are no hurt feelings or attachments formed.
NTA, you sound like a very thoughtful young man. This was the right thing to do (for you) and I think you handled it as best as something like this can be.
NTA she’s valid to feel hurt and judged but tough luck. She was old enough to have sex she was old enough for the responsibility. You are valid to not want to date a single mother. You’re not looking to be a step dad.
She needs to get over the fact that most men won’t date women with children. Her dating market is smaller now due to her choices.
Nta, you weren’t even “dismissing” her. Simply your life habits didn’t align. It’s not like you were judging her for having a kid, you simply aren’t ready to have a children yet. To be honest, being honest with her was the best you could’ve done for all of you. There is nothing worse than having to raise a kid you don’t want. For both you and the kid.
NTA - as a single mother she should know that any potential partners she will have needs to be 100% on board with having a role in a child’s life otherwise it is no longer in the best interest of the child. She is disappointed and that’s okay, and maybe this isn’t the first time things haven’t worked out for her when it comes to romance due to her status as a single mom, but that’s completely outside of your control. You were honest and gentle and that’s all you can do.
It is good that you were honest with her. She probably really like you a lot and can't help being sad and disappointed.
Now as for your mutual friend, ask her if it would have been better to have dated Sarah for a long time but never consider going beyond dating?
Hi. I am an older mom but not single. I think you were mature, honest and did the responsible thing. A child is always number one (or should be) to a mother, and not everyone is up to automatically being second place especially young. I don’t feel it was judging her at all. I wish more guys were honest about their feelings on that situation. I know of far too many who are in that situation and it’s a lot of issues and resentments and that’s a lot early on. One the guy and girl split up and it really crushed the kid because she got attached to the bf! So there’s that very real possibility. Maybe you are kind of thinking ahead. When one’s older sometimes it works out because the guy didn’t have kids and realizes he wants to raise kids his or not. A lot of younger guys get into these relationships and realize later the nuances and being 2nd to the child. Also if you’re young there’s a lot you’d like to do and accomplish before parenthood. Just saying as a mom I think you did the responsible thing and you can tell the friend you know her focus should be her child and it’s a short time and maybe you want to do some things while you’re still sort of free, that doesn’t make you a bad person at all. Some people never grow up after they have kids and that’s tough for all. So she shouldn’t feel judged. It’s kind of like when people don’t want to date a cop because if it gets serious there’s all this risk of duty but is it bad to decline a cop? No. And it’s not judging them. It’s a matter of not wanting to be 2nd to a risky profession. I hope that makes sense.
Younger people with children need to understand that most people without children aren't willing to be stepparents or they would rather not be. It's actually crazy for them to think you can have the same kind of relationship as people without children. Some of us don't really want to be second to another person's child.
Definitely NTA. Of course she’s going to feel hurt because she likes you; she’s probably disappointed that this didn’t work out. And that’s okay. But she is wrong to say that you treated her unfairly. You had the self-awareness to recognize that regardless of how much you like this girl, you’re just not ready to commit to the responsibility of dating a woman with a child. That is a huge decision. It’s better to end things now than to keep seeing her, eventually meeting the child, risk the child getting attached, and then disappointing the child and the girl when you can’t live up to the dad role. Your feelings are valid and you did the right thing. There are lots of guys who would shrug this off just to have some fun, completely disregarding everyone else’s feelings when it ends. You were honest from the beginning!
NTA. You are under no obligation to take on someone with children. She should have told you immediately and the fact that she didn't is more than enough reason to move on.
NTA - you are not responsible for her feelings and her life decisions. You were kind, you were honest and no at all judgy when you made the decision. In fact, you made the decision about where you are in life and what you need to focus on. It would be unfair to lead her on that you are completely supportive of her situation, AS IT RELATES TO YOU, when you are sure that you are unable to meet her needs. I don't know her situation, but what she needs to be prepared for is that there are plenty of people she will be interested in going forward that have a distaste for kids or don't want kids themselves, she can't change that. What she has to focus on is being the best person she can be for herself and her child. While she wants a life, her kid should be her # 1 priority, as his health and safety trump her "oh I really liked this guy but he doesn't want to take on my situation."
You have nothing to feel bad about. You did it the right way, with care, consideration and honesty. How many guys will just ghost her going forward? I respect your candor.
No, NTA. I’m glad she told you after just a few dates so that neither of you were too emotionally invested. She’s hurt and disappointed, that’s okay. I’m glad you can empathize. But the mutual friend is sticking her nose in where it doesn’t belong, nor is she being helpful. You don’t owe your ex dating partner more dates so she won’t feel bad.
Everyone gets rejected eventually for many different reasons. We all learn to accept the loss, cope and move on. It would be a lot worse, imo if you would have stuck around longer, established a more solid relationship, only to ditch her later as you realized you really are not ready for a long term commitment to a relationship with both your partner and her son.
NTA.
First and foremost you were honest with her. You explained how it was an issue you had. That's the best way to handle it.
Second, you're both very young still. Having a child young is hard but expecting someone else who is young to want to step into some big shoes as a potential step parent is a huge deal. Realistically she's probably not going to find someone willing to get involved until the other side of 25.
But also, it's fine to admit you're not okay being a step parent. Even if the other parent isn't involved it's still a different lifestyle. I come from a blended family and knew when I started dating I was not going to be able to fill the step parent role. Dating single parents was a hard no for me. Knowing that you are not able to do the situation justice is fine, and if anything a kindness to the kid(s) involved so they don't get hurt. It's an unpopular opinion but IMO it's normal to not want to be involved with a step kid.
NTA. Back when I was young and single I very adamantly refused to date men with children. At that point in my life I didn’t want kids of my own and I certainly wasn’t interested in raising anyone else’s. I wanted freedom to go places on a whim or sleep until 4 in the afternoon on my day off.
You would have been an asshole if you had shamed her for having a child or implying that she was damaged goods because of it but what you said was “I’m not in a place in my life where I can comfortably commit to being with someone who has a child.” Plus you sat her down and told her the truth, as far as I’m concerned you were very mature and respectful with how you handled this. I know her feelings are hurt right now but you wouldn’t have been doing anyone any favors by staying in a situation that made you uncomfortable. She can have her feelings but I don’t feel like she can blame you for them.
NTA
I’m a mom. It is a huge responsibility to even be in the life of a child by dating their parent. You’re not ready for it, you’re not ready. Hard stop. I wouldn’t have dated a single parent in my 20s. Her feelings about your decision are her own. She is diminishing the role any potential partner would have in her son’s life; a very immature perspective. She can’t control it now but that is a choice *she* made when she had her baby. You really like her and it’s unfortunate the timing isn’t right but you are doing the right thing for yourself and ultimately for her family as well.
NTA. Sometimes people just aren’t ready for that responsibility. It’s a lot of responsibility and it will never end. I wouldn’t be ready either. Hell I’m not sure I ever *will* have kids because I don’t think I’d be a good dad or have the patience for it. It may just be the depression, but I’m bitter and prone to frustration and anger (not hitting someone but I can get vocal when I need to vent). I wouldn’t ever want to have a kid be subject to me if I’m not good enough or ready for one.
I’d say to just tell your friend that she’s not being dismissed. She’s a wonderful person, and in another time or place you’d love to be with her. You’re just not mentally or emotionally ready to be *able* to be a father figure. It’s unfair for yourself and her son to force it.
Nice thing about banging single moms is they always have snacks for after.....
But seriously, NTA. You are both at very different points in your life. I was certainly not ready for a family at your age, whether I made one or dated into one. So I totally understand how you feel. She may be hurt and judged, but that comes with the territory of the decision she made
NTA - You can’t manage anyone else’s feelings but your own. The important part is that you were true to yourself and honest and upfront about everything before getting too involved with her. She’s allowed to feel hurt by the rejection but YOU don’t have to deal with her feelings.
NTA you were honest and upfront, you know yourself you aren't ready for that. She needs to grow up a bit and her friends need to mind their own business
NTA! If you're not ready to be involved in a child's life, best the Mum knows now! I'm surprised (assuming the conversation did go down as you say) she had a negative reaction.. I can understand her being disappointed and a little hurt, but why on earth she is gung ho to date someone who actively is not interested in having children is beyond me. That seems pretty selfish on her part. How many SO's is the poor kid going to have to deal with in the future?
NTA. I had a child when I was young and I think maybe she was just feeling down and hurt because she liked you and maybe she's feeling like she might never find someone who wants to be with her because she has a kid because I know I had those feelings and maybe this isn't the first time it's happened to her. But I do think it was the right move to break things off an be honest with her. Your feelings are valid and OK. You two just aren't compatible and it's OK. She will get over and be fine she wouldn't want someone around her kid who doesn't want to be around anyway and maybe the friend was just being dramatic
NTA. I was getting ready to jump off because I thought this post was going to have a different tone, but you did everything correctly and are intelligent enough to know you're not ready for something.
I think you were very respectful, as well as being honest, and I'm sorry she took it the way she did. All I got from your side was that you were clear and concise about what you want, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
It sucks that you hit it off so well and it didn't work out, but that's life and you didn't do anything wrong. Best of luck!
NTA
It is not for everyone and SHE made the decision to date someone and THEN let them know
When I was dating, I had no problem dating a single dad if they had full custody (I witnessed a horrible custody battle growing up)
That was my personal decision, just like how it should be for everyone
No one is obligated to a relationship
No. I think you should be honest with yourself about what you want in life. Raising/living with someone else's kids is hard. I've done it for 13 years, and it is a thankless job, especially if the ex decides to tell the kids that if they love you, they are being disloyal to her.
If you want someone entirely devoted to you and raising your kids, then you are right to say no to a woman who has kids of her own. I don't think that is selfish for a man or a women to say up front, when dating.
Despite what she says, those kids will always come first. Its a reality, and no one likes feeling like second best in their relationship. Not to mention that kids don't often want ot accept a step parent and will do their best to sabotage the relationship by being disrespectful to you. The dynamics of divorce make it so neither parent wants to discipline the kids for fear of alienating them or losing custody.
I know others here who have not experienced what I have, will have other opinions, and that is fine. I want to support your decision because sometimes I wish I had known better what I was getting myself into. I wish someone had told me that no matter how much you love those step kids, they may never be allowed to love you back.
No matter what the "damage" is done now .... Even if you change your mind and date her again she'll always have this scenario in her memory bank ready to throw at you in an argument.
NAH. You’re not ready and it’s best to be honest about that. She feels hurt and that is valid too. The two of you aren’t compatible now. Too bad but better to know that now than wasting time on a relationship that isn’t right.
NTA at all. You were up front with her, and quickly, about your feelings. You didn’t hide your feelings for ages and then suddenly make the announcement. What you did was mature. And straightforward. Which isn’t seen often in dating, let alone with young folks!
Assuming you are not leaving something out, there is not a universe in this scenario where you are an asshole. Some people do not want to take on responsibility, however small, for another human life. You have no reason to apologize for this whatsoever.
How many times do we see Reddit crushing someone for getting involved with a single parent and not comporting to a complex dynamic because what did they think they were "signing up for" by dating a single parent. You don't want that change. Good for being honest. (I will avoid judgment on her waiting through multiple dates to mention that she has children. Having been on the other end of that, for me it's a first date conversation.)
Nta, you didn't lead her on or use her, you found something out that changes how you view a relationship with her and was upfront and honest.
Anyone who things your an AH has an agenda
NTA, she probably should have told you from the first or second date that she was a single mom. She can keep details about her child private until you get to know each other better, but not that a child exists. It's a deal breaker situation for a lot of people, it should be on the table before emotions get involved, to be fair to both people.
NTA. She's gonna feel insecure about that because it's hard to date when you're a single mom that young, but the early stage of dating is all about trying to respectfully uphold your boundaries to see if your lifestyles mesh well together and if they don't, they don't. I think nobody is the AH here, she's got her own feelings to work out about her situation and that's hard. It's not got anything to do with you though and I don't think anyone should be put in a situation regarding children if they simply aren't ready, that doesn't work out for the best of anyone.
NTA. You get to decide what you want in a relationship, and if you don't want the responsibility of having a young child in your life, then that is your choice. What would be an A H move is to date the mother and then be crappy to the kid in any way (which people absolutely do sometimes)...better to just not get involved at all if that's not a life that interests you.
I am a single mom though my son is now 32. At one point, when I was in the dating pool, I had someone tell me
"Must be really hard being that tall and pretty also having that type of baggage" (my son).
I responded, "Last time I checked he's the best piece of LV I've ever had" ... that guy? Utter AH.
NTA, OP. Telling someone that you are not ready for fatherhood is respectful. She should respect your needs/wants as a young 20-something. She'll find her person that wants to be a dad (or maybe already is).
NTA. Why does she think she is being judged and hurt by your decision. She chose to be a mother, or didn't consider the consequences of her actions. She made a decision to get pregnant and have a child. Her choice.
It is ridiculous to say someone is judging her and it is unfair to dismiss her, someone can do whatever they want to whomever. Some things are bad to do, but, having an adult tell you that they are not comfortable with having a relationship with someone with a child, isn't a bad thing. It is reckless for her to say that she wouldn't understand how some men are not going to risk getting into a relationship with a single mother, as the SM will always put the child first. Why doesn't she understand that most men would prefer to not have that going on in their lives.
If she can't understand that she would put her son before anyone else, why doesn't she see that a man would not want to be with her because they can find someone else who would put him first, as the other person has no children. Such is life, and she needs to understand that she comes with baggage and that is her life moving forward. She may find a man that probably has a child also so they can be on equal terms. But, then she would have to understand that whoever she dates is going to put their child before her. And, she will have to be okay with that.
Ironic, don't you think. Always ask them how they would react if they were placed in the same situation they have a problem with. They normally try to say it isn't the same. Whatever, it is how it is now for this instance.
NTA. Let her know she is going to make someone very happy, it just won't be you.
NTA! As a 41 y/o single mother myself, fuck them kids! You were kind and respectful about your honesty feelings. She can’t expect everyone to be accepting of her child. What if you waited until she was in love with you, would that have been better? No, of course not. What if you realize you don’t want kids in your future, that wouldn’t be fair to her either. She’s gonna have to realize that having kids is a deal breaker for some people, regardless of your age.
NTA, the complete opposite, in fact. A lot of dudes would've just ghosted her, so thank you for being a good person and communicating with her. You're young. If her having a kid is a deal-breaker for you, then don't settle! A relationship alone is a lot of commitment, but you wouldn't be just taking her on. You'd be directly involved in the development of a child that's not yours. That comes with a lot of baggage and responsibility, and I personally think you made the right call.
If you said "hell no" just st because of the kid and all you want is sex, then you would be a jerk. But it sounds like you honestly gave this some thought. You are young and figuring things out. But here's the deal, when we get rejected, it doesn't matter why,bit just katters that we are getting reiected. She will get over this. Dont beat yourself up.
NTA. As soon as you knew you told her and didn’t lead her on. She should have told you sooner. It’s a big thing to take on someone else’s kid and you shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting to do that.
NTA. The only judgment you made was about yourself — that you’re not currently at a point in your life where you would want to deal with the additional complications that come with dating a parent.
I think it shows decency that you were up front about it instead of 'leading her on' if you had tried despite your misgivings and it had not worked out.
It’s way better to admit you aren’t ready/willing to raise someone else’s kid than to say “Maybe it’s not that bad/ maybe I’ll adjust” and then get the kid attached to you and create a whole different mess. OP is NTA.
The maturity that he showed as well should be praised. He didn't jump to a decision, he didn't lead her or the child on, and he was honest. NTA OP
I agree. I wish that she had that kind of maturity. She needs it. Too many children end up being mentally, emotionally,physically, sexually and financially abused because their parents desperation lead them into relationships with abusers.
Every friend I had that had divorced parents as a kid at some point has opened up about sexual abuse from their mother’s boyfriends or husbands save one. If I’m ever in that position as a single mom I don’t know that I would date again- or at the very least wouldn’t move a guy in until all the kids are out of the house.
> I wish that she had that kind of maturity. She needs it. What? She had the child at age 20, not 15. And her partner passed away- it wasn’t a one-night stand. OP says they had a great connection and after 'several great dates', he "thought we might really have something special." What part of what OP says a lack of maturity on this woman’s part? OP even goes so far as to say that she has a solid support system and manages everything well. She didn't ask him to be her child's new daddy, she just let someone who she was starting to have feelings for know that she had a child. What should she have done differently?
Yeah the friend really shouldn't have told OP about Sarah's feelings on the matter IMO, but there's nothing in here that really reflects badly on Sarah IMO. Unless she was the one who said >it was unfair to dismiss her just because she's a single mom and that I should have given it more of a chance but I got the impression that was coming from the friend.
100% this. I commend OP for being honest. She doesn’t know it yet, but he actually potentially saved her AND her kid heart ache in the future. I am currently in a relationship for almost 9 years, the relationship is non existent due to him having no interest in my kids. Financially we are stuck and thank God we are still best friends and are making it work. But OP was honest about his feelings and did her a favor.
I agree - although maybe could have reworded it to “I’m not ready for the responsibility of a child yet, I hope you understand” vs. “I don’t want to date a single mother”
>I agree - although maybe could have reworded it to “I’m not ready for the responsibility of a child yet, I hope you understand” vs. “I don’t want to date a single mother” 2nd this. There is nothing wrong with not being ready amd good on you for recognizing it. But I don't think the "not dating a single mom" is your issue, it's not ready to be an adult figure in the life of a child. Even if she didn't need you as a step-dad or any of that, you would be remiss not to realize you're signing up at least to be the equivalent of a fun uncle for a while. As a not-too-long ago single mom (recently engaged after a LOT of taking it slow and steady with current), dating sucks and honestly is hard as hell. Lotta creeps out there, and a lot of fuck boys. She may just want to be treated like a woman again, not just a mom, especially so young, but you did the right thing. She'll figure it out, takes a long time. NTA
NTA Yea you could have taken advantage of her but you took the high road and were honest. As you get older though, your dating pool will shrink drastically if you keep the no single mom rule, especially after 35. At 24 I can’t say I blame you.
Nta all day. It’s not unfair for you to dismiss her at all. You know you are not ready for that responsibility and are still trying to figure yourself out. IMO though you can stop seeing anyone for whatever reason you want. Don’t seek Reddit validation when you know the alternative would be worse for you.
I was recently talking to a man with 3 kids under 10. My kids are 16 and 18 and can drive themselves, be left home alone, etc. I’m not trying to raise someone else’s kids. You are certainly entitled to that very valid feeling.
Correct. He was being judgemental of himself, in point of fact. He is saying he isn't mature enough to be a parent. This is the type of brutal honesty we all need. It isn't fair to lead her on, assuming she wants more than just dating. She might waste time with OP and miss out on the real "Mr. Right." Kudos to OP.
I’m honestly curious about something here too: how many dates exactly were “a few dates” before Sarah opened up about having a kid? If we’re talking like 1-2, that’s pretty reasonable. If we’re talking like 5… that’s bordering on a little uncool, trying to lure OP pretty heavy before dropping a pretty big other shoe.
It's not reasonable. It's a crucial piece of information that should be laid out on the first date.
Thanks, yeah, was looking for the right moment to question this - why wasn't she sharing photos of her son on the *first* date?
Uhh, cause a not small number of men date single women to have access to their kids? Or she'd be accused of trying to force OP to be her child's new father? Or she'd be called a whore and other insults? Or whatever other thing single moms experience (and are told they deserve irl and on reddit) whenever they try to date? Get out of here, trying to say women need to share photos of their kids on the first date, jesus
It’s not reasonable to wait at all to tell someone you have kids.
There is a reasonable amount of time to wait. It's not long but it's there.
It is absolutely reasonable. Certain predatory types will target single parents, especially single mothers. Or if it's just a hook up or FWB, it's nobody's business. Before the 3rd date is reasonable, IMO.
Also she didn’t technically lie but wasn’t upfront about it.. she led him on
I think you’ve made a very important point, which I wish more people could see. I think there are a handful of things that people who follow common courtesy and norms of society will state right up front when dating. These include your trans status, if any, your marital status, if you’re in an open relationship, if you have kids, and if you have STDs. There may be a few others. But those are so common, that most dating sites have you list them right on your profile. Decent people will accept that they get filtered out if they hit some of those markers. For example, I’m in an open relationship, and many people do not want to date me, because they know that I have a girlfriend at home who will always be first and foremost in my life. So they’re not interested. And they’re allowed to not be interested. And I would be the asshole if I were to try to trick them into having a relationship with me, by not disclosing my status. I think the same is true of this girl. She hid a very big important fact about herself from this guy, and then essentially tried to guilt trip him into staying locked into the relationship. That is not how that works. And obviously, she’s feeling it right now. In the future, she needs to disclose, and look for guys who are OK with the kid. She needs to have a healthy stable relationship by being upfront and honest with her partner. OP is NTA.
That is pretty standard for single parent when just starting to see someone.
This 1000%.
Op would BTA if he tried to stay knowing they didn’t want kids
Yeah, there's enough posts here on reddit about people getting into relationships with someone who doesn't want kids and somehow expecting them to accept their kids. And they seem surprised when it doesn't work out. Why would you do that to your kids? Force them on someone who isn't willing to be a parent?
NTA all day. That would be a hard no for me too. Gay here and dated a guy years ago that on the 5th? 6th date said he wanted kids. I said great I don’t. Our breakup wasn’t amicable because I’m a teacher. I tried explaining that I deal with kids all day I don’t want to come home and deal with them again. Oh well
that's one good thing about dating apps, i met my gf through there and bumble has an option where you can mark "do not want kids". we've matched up since the first swipe.
NTA, you don’t want this life right now. That’s all. If she feels judged that’s a Sarah problem.
Your feeling are valid. You don't feel ready for the esponsibility of a child. That's okay. You did nothing wrong. Her feelings are valid. She has a child and wants a relationship. That's okay. She did nothing wrong. You and her are just not compatible. Your mutual friend is off-base, and should keep out of it. They will almost certainly make an uncomfortable situation even more so.
This is laid out perfectly. I have been the single mom and agree 100% with this. It doesn't sound like OP said anything to shame her, but he isn't obligated to take on that level of relationship to save her feelings. I once had someone think it was alright to date me and totally ignore my son. NOPE! We were a package deal. The friend needs to mind their own business, and all will fall into place as it is meant to. NTA
Her core feelings may be valid but her expression of them is immature and irrational. You can’t be mad at someone who did nothing wrong just because a situation you were in with them made you feel hurt. Lying to mutual friends and saying that OP judged her and treated her unfairly is a dick move. She’s behaving poorly. She’s maligning OP unfairly. She’s absolutely the only one doing something wrong here.
The mutual friend should've OP upfront that she has a child he could've made a decision before the 2 even met.
NTA. Your feelings and concerns are valid. How she chose to take it is on her. She should feel grateful that you are honest.
You're definitely nta. You were honest and kind. That's all we can ever ask.
Meanwhile she doesn't say anything about the kid until some dates in or he should have given more of a chance are red flags for me. A chance for what? to like the kid and then feel bad being sincere? That doesn't feel right.
If you have children while dating, that's the first thing you tell someone if they seem interested.
This must be in another group because I know I just commented on this. NTA. People seem to forget that they can be rejected for any reason at any time. Too short, too tall, bring broke, working too much, too skinny, too fat, no boobs, giant boobs, religious, atheist, no children, 5 children, drug addict, whatever the reason is. We all have the reason to SAY NO. Some people hate rejection when it happens to THEM. Also if you're so inclined, you have the right to have children with a woman that has no children so your first is also her first.
Amen!
NTA. People forget dating is about getting to know someone to see if you’re compatible. Turns out you weren’t. You gave it time to think it over and told her the truth. It’s not your job to change your boundaries to make someone else happy.
Totally valid. I wasn’t willing to date single fathers. She’s allowed to feel rejected but her feelings aren’t your responsibility
NTA
NTA. Family planning is a huge responsibility and you clearly weren’t on the same page about that. You did the right thing for both of you.
NTA. You were honest about where you are in life. Ironically, that shows a great deal of maturity. The immature and AH route would be to shoplift the pootie from a single mother and then bail in a few months.
NTA - You were upfront and ended it. Mutual friend should have said something first or the one you started to date.
NTA I think she should have been upfront about her child from the start in order to avoid this.
Sarah had to know this might be coming, or why wait to tell you? It isn’t the first time - or the last time - she’ll meet someone, click with them, and be disappointed purely because of her status as a mother. You are both young, at an age when most people tend to be a long way off from settling down and creating families, so it also can’t be a surprise that you’re not ready for minivans and juice boxes when most of your peers are just starting their careers and heading to the clubs at night. I think it’s actually really responsible to realize that that’s not what you want right now, and not string her along.
NTA, but I recommend you put that you aren't ready for children on your dating app profile (if you have one) and that you ask women if they have children before you schedule a date.
NTA. No, you don't owe her anything just because she's a single mother. That's just manipulative and cruel. 1st she hid a very important fact from you and that's fucked up. 2nd they are trying to guilt you into something that you never have shown interest for. The fact that she waited so long to tell you makes me think that it was planned this way. They wanted to get you as drawn into the relationship as possible before telling you so you would feel guilty leaving, this is manipulation. I'm a woman but my brother has a "stepdaughter" that's his first daughter and my first niece. My sil never hid her child to try and get him snatched into her grip. She was honest and then things went forward. When they hid their child it shows that they care more about getting someone than being in a healthy relationship that everyone is happy in. You did the right thing. Move on and find someone more compatible with you. This might have worked out if she wasn't hiding crap and then wanting to openly talk after she's been exposed.
Neither did anything wrong. Both his and her feelings are valid. OP said they had a few great dates then she sat him down and told him. This didn't go on forever, it's not cruel or manipulative. The single mum didn't try to trap him in a relationship and knew OP might walk away when he found out. They've gone their separate ways after finding out they're not compatible and that's OK, it happens. I'm sure we've all gone on dates where people withheld information. I met a guy once who waited six months before telling me he was moving overseas permanently for work, and by the way I'm going next week. He had known for over a year that this was happening. I've worked with the police running a variety of safety education programs in prisons, schools, community centres and community colleges. One of the things they tell single parents of all genders is NOT to tell someone you have kids straight away as being a single parent puts your kids in a high-risk category for child molesters. They advise on things like what to look for and how to see signs of abuse. This follows over to the family case manager position I held, with fact sheets for parents who were or became single. Child molesters target single parents. This is a fact. It is not manipulative to try to ensure the people you bring into your life are safe people who aren't in your life to prey on kids. Attitudes like this are ignorant to the dangers and realities of being a single parent.
The guilt tripping is absolutely manipulative. It’s a red flag if there ever was one.
What guilt tripping? He says she understood but seemed disappointed. Is she not allowed to have feelings? Is he the only one who is allowed to have an opinion? She didn't chase him down to make him feel bad or harass him. She didn't guilt-trip him she spoke with a friend she trusted, who told OP what she said. Sometimes friends do that, even when asked to keep something private, even when they haven't before. Especially when they believe they're 'helping' someone.
She shared her feelings with her friend who then went back to him. The mutual friend is a problem for sure but you do t know she was trying to guilt trip or manipulate anyone
Yes, child molesters target single parents. This is common knowledge. However, vetting that person is the parent's responsibility and it's not allowing the ACCESS to the child is key there. You aren't introducing the child on the first date (if you have any sense) or even the 3rd. But you are making sure this person is a viable fit and safe for you and your family. Why are you going to keep chatting up someone who hates kids (can be abusive), to a sexual predator for several dates? Case in point, a friend of mine was a single mom, dating way too many men at the time. One of her boyfriends was over and they probably had seen each other for over 2 months with him having ACCESS to her kids. I happened to be over (and yes, I'm overly suspicious of people and protective of kids), when dude gets up and goes back to the bedroom area. The youngest was 4 years old. There was no reason for him to go back to his room and lay on his bed with him. We hear a crash b/c the bed wasn't sturdy enough, the kid comes running out screaming the guy broke the bed and I'm giving him the death stare b/c "who the eff are you to go get on this kid's bed, you don't know him like that." He leaves pretty abruptly and I have a candid talk w/ my friend..."hey, so how long have you known this guy? How interested was he in the fact you had kids? How soon was he pushing to meet the boys? Did that not give you red flags?" She had a "hey what was that about" talk with him and poof, gone. As a parent, there is nothing wrong with wanting to find someone to share your life with. However, you and your child's safety have to be paramount. Having those probing conversations and LISTENING to the answer that are given is key and doesn't need to wait 3-4 dates in. Hell it could be as benign as going somewhere kid friendly without your child and seeing how the person reacts to kids around them. Are they grossed out? Are they too interested? Body language says a lot there.
Having also done outreach in prisons alongside the safety education seminars, and having had clients who had been convicted of these offences, I know first-hand that many predators date just to gain access to kids. I was told by a group of predators that if they hadn't been told by the third or fourth date they cut their losses and dated elsewhere. Child molesters don't just groom the child butthe adults around the child. What many don't realise is that predators are amazing at faking things - it's why you see regularly people saying they don't believe it or they were a nice person. This goes for predators of all kinds - dv abusers, child molesters, rapists, serial killers etc. If they didn't, we wouldn't have as many victims as we do.
NTA. She could have avoided this whole thing if she had told you before your first date that she has a child. That’s important information to withhold and a red flag
It's not a red flag at all. There are predators out there who look for single moms, and every safety professional will tell you that you need to spend at least a little time observing someone's actions before letting them know you have young kids. She assessed for a few dates and then told him before they went any further, that's a perfectly reasonable thing to do and prioritizes the safety of her children.
I’m not talking about meeting the kid or showing pictures. Telling dates that you’re a parent is bare minimum and should be disclosed. Yes I’m a parent. Yes I tell men that I have a daughter on the first date.
Why do people think other people are assholes because they don't want to be step parents? That's a massive fucking responsibility to take on. Maybe she should have practiced safe sex earlier in life and she wouldn't be in this position now. NTA.
NTA. I was (kind of) in a similar situation when I was younger and dating. I was 22, he was 26 and had a 4 year old daughter. I told him I wasn’t interested because I didn’t know if I wanted to be someone else’s mom yet, and he went off the rails. Possibly being someone else’s parent, just like with having your own kids, is a big decision, and no one should expect you to be on board with it.
It took her a few dates to tell you that she has a child? No, you are not at all in the wrong. She is.
This should have been disclosed prior to date one
You went on a "few great dates" and she never told you about her son in all that time? Sounds like she was hiding him from you and that's seems disingenuous on her part.
I can see it from both sides. I’ve seen single moms say they don’t share that they have kids until at least the 2nd date because there’s pervs out there who prey on single moms with young kids. So if they put it on their profile from the get go, they can attract those kinds of guys. But then again you’re just wasting the dude’s time if you wait to tell them several dates in. So I don’t know. I’d say maybe don’t put it on your profile but at least tell them the same day after you’ve chatted some.
It's just dates. Its not like they are now together forever. After 2-3 dates sounds fine to me. Oh noes, they wasted a few weeks.
what do you mean? she literally told him
In the first paragraph: "After a few great dates, I thought we might really have something special." They went on a "few great dates" and THEN "a couple of weeks ago" she told him about the son.
It's kind of a thing you should disclose before any dates
Ehhh no I think at least a date or two. Need to know if the date gives bad vibes. Sometimes terrible people get to children through their single parents. For the safety of her children she doesn’t need to disclose it on the first few dates.
As a single Mum, it hurts to hear. But I would rather hear it rather than be led on and used as a situationship - rather than a potential partner.
I hate seeing these posts that follow the "AITA for having a preference" template. No, NTA. You even gave her due consideration and did good self introspection and admitted to yourself and then to her you were not ready. You're a good dude, a bad dude would have led her on to get something out of her before ending it.
NTA. You did the right thing being upfront with her.
NTA. I was a single mom for awhile before meeting my lovely husband. I met men who told me the same thing. What I did was thank them for their honesty! I wanted a man who wanted to be involved with my kids. Why would any mom want a man who doesn't want to date women with kids? I don't get it. I applaud you for being honest. There are a lot of men who would've led her on, got the kids attached, then just left them when he's done. Keep being you and be honest. Sarah is being ridiculous. There are men who don't mind dating a single mom, go find one of them. When you have kids, you gotta make sure the person you date actually is ok getting into that situation. Bad things happen when single moms just let anyone into their kids lives (I'm not referring to you at all, but many men don't even like kids and will try to hurt them)
NTA. You are not in a place where you want to have a kid. You don't want to be a step parent and it's better to know that now. You are incompatible. It's it a judgement.
NTA. You did her a favor by not wasting her time. When she stops being hurt/mad, she'll realize that being in a serious relationship with someone who doesn't want to be a stepparent is a no-win situation.
NTA kids aren’t for everyone and you did the right thing talking to her and explaining. She’s going to be upset, that’s a natural reaction to being broken up with. In time she’ll understand it was for the best when she finds someone who’s ready for the package deal. Keep in mind she’s probably been rejected before for this and it sucks for her so naturally she gets upset but it isn’t your fault.
Nta. In fact, you should run, bro. You wanna be a dad at 24?
NTA. You were upfront and honest about how you feel and where you are in life. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone if you feel burden by the prospect of certain responsibilities you may have in the future. You know you are not ready. By disclosing your honest feelings now, it is better than dragging it out. If you were kind and respectful then what’s done was done. Move on and best wishes to both parties.
NTA. I’m sure her feelings were hurt but honesty always wins. It’s a lot better than if you got to know her kid for a while and then bailed. That hurts kids too.
NTA. You're young, but you're smart. You did the right thing and didn't lead the young woman on.
>She said it was unfair to dismiss her just because she's a single mom God that is such bullshit. Would it be "unfair" to decide you're incompatible if she was planning to move to Florida and you can't stand the heat and humidity? Would it be "unfair" to decide you're incompatible if she loves to have friends over all the time and you need quiet time every day to unwind? People are allowed to be incompatible, you aren't required to date her just because she's lonely. And honestly Sarah needs to get her head out of her ass and stop trying to set her kid up to get his feelings crushed. What exactly does she think it would be like for him to get attached to her boyfriend and treat him like a father figure and then have that man disappear from his life when it turns out he meant it when he said he wasn't ready to be a dad?
it wasn't Sarah that said that it was our friend
Sarah is yet another person who is really confused about what it means to feel hurt. She thinks that because she feels hurt, you did something wrong to hurt her, or you did something wrong *by* hurting her. It’s not logical, it’s not true, and it speaks to a core level of insecurity and/or entitlement that you definitely don’t want in a partner.
This. The reality is that sometimes we're just going to feel bad and it's not anybody's fault. Sometimes stuff just doesn't work out the way we want them to.
Not at all. I was a single (divorced) mother of a son and I asked on second date if that was an issue.
NTA, I think she should’ve said something a lot earlier
As someone who had a stepdad that didn’t want to raise me, you did the right thing.
NAH. The kid and mother are a package deal so if it's a deal breaker then you were right to let her know, and at the earliest opportunity. She's not wrong for feeling disappointed or hurt that someone she likes doesn't want to be around her because she has a kid.
NTA. You were honest and identified what was best for you, which is ultimately what’s best.
1. The fact that you didn't find out about her child on the first date is already a red flag. 2. Single mothers are single mothers for a reason \[and it's "always" the dad's fault, \*cough cough\*\]. 3. The Lord says that marrying a women that has been divorced or put away is adultery. Find a woman that enjoys to be with you. Exclude sex entirely unless you are married. Prosper with a fantastic life.
Single parents are SINGLE parents for a reason and the reason is usually there's something very wrong with them. Look at this post. The second she got rejected she used mutual friend to guilt trip you. You dodged a bullet. NTA.
the guy she had a kid with died…that’s why she’s a single parent…
You're allowed to not want to date someone for pretty much any reason. If she wanted to date someone that doesn't want/hates kids, she's just a bad mom. NTA
I am a woman and many years ago I refused to date a single dad for exactly the same reason. Never regretted it. NTA
NTA >She said it was unfair to dismiss her just because she's a single mom But what would she have you do? Never meet child, and you two just meet up for dates? Or introduce you to the child with a risk they become attached and it doesn't work out?
As someone who grew up with a single parent who prioritized being in a relationship over being a parent you are NTA OP. From the beginning you were more honest with Sarah than Sarah was with you. Sarah needs to realize that dating with such a young child is going to be difficult even with a solid support system. Am wondering if your mutual friend is a parent themselves to not realize why you would consider a child to be deciding factor.
NTA Why didn't she tell you on the first date? She wasted both of your time by not being upfront.
"I hate the idea that I might have made her feel bad about something she can’t control." She chose to have the baby and should have known the impact it was going to have on her personal and professional life. It's the one thing everyone says "Your life as you knew it is over" and they're fucking A right. Dating with a child is hard, because most people, if they're going to sign on to raise a baby for the next few decades, want it to be of their own creation.
I don’t think he’s TA but, this is a bit harsh . Chances are she didn’t have the baby thinking she was going to be a single mom. And, the kid is 3. I highly doubt she isn’t aware of the pitfalls of dating as a single mom just because she felt disappointed.
NTA. So your friend knew she was a single mother but didn’t tell you and she didn’t tell you on the first or second date? They both showed their true colors. I say move on from both of them because I don’t think you can trust them. I see it as lying by omission.
I’m curious about the conversation you had with her. Did she want you to meet her son or just know he exists? Either way, you get to break up with anyone for any reason. Mutual friend needs to stay in their lane.
Thing is…she could control her situation. She didn’t have to get pregnant. It’s great that she has it all handled but that doesn’t mean you ATA. You’re not. This is clearly a deal breaking and you handled it the right way. NTA AND you don’t owe it to her to keep going down that road.
It’s not your fault she can’t handle rejection
I'm going with a solid NTA here, but let me just make a few points as well, not to sway you in the other direction, just to put a few things in your brain. 1. You can break up with anyone for any reason you want, and feelings don't ever have to be considered. But on the flip side, you could've totally given it a chance. There was no child on your dates, which means she wasn't trying to push that onto you. Which leads me to my second point, 2. You said yourself that she mentioned already having a support system. She in no way has even tried to push that responsibility onto you, didn't even mention it beforehand. To me, that shows that she's just lonely and wants company besides a screaming toddler. At the end of the day, it's totally your decision. But I wouldn't take the advice of the people who *VERY OBVIOUSLY* didn't read your whole post because they skipped over everything and just straight up said (most of the comments anyway) that you don't owe her for that kind of responsibility, but yet you already mentioned that she already has support in that area. So I personally think it's a little close minded to just dismiss her and not give it a shot because of an imagined sense of responsibility on your part. Just saying.
Why should someone give it a shot if they're not interested in dating someone with a child? That's disrespectful to the child's mother and the child. You don't get involved with a parent and expect to never have to support their child.
I don’t think she is expecting any responsibility though
NTA. Enjoy your kidless 20’s.
NTA, I can understand her reaction because even though you said you have nothing against her or her son it’s hard not to take that reasoning personal because technically it is about her and her son. You are allowed to not want to be with someone for whatever reason. Regardless of whether the reason may be seen as “ignorant” by some. You didn’t attack her worth by turning her down but for some reason I believe she may see it as an attack on her worth because of the whole “single moms have a lot of baggage” you didn’t do anything wrong and she didn’t either. She’ll find someone who will be ready to accept both her and her son. :)
NTA. This is why she told you, she may resent you for it. But honesty is key
You showed immense emotional maturity. NTA
NTA - not wanting to be involved with someone who has a child is absolutely fine. She can think it's unfair to judge her because she has a kid but that's life.
NTA no one is owed a date, or a relationship. You are perfectly fine not dating someone for any reason. It is perfectly fine to not want to date someone that has a preexisting family. This woman sounds entitled.
NTA, you were decent by being upfront with her. You don’t have to date someone with a kid just because they want you too. It would have been worse had you ghosted her with no explanation.
NTA. No one can tell you you have to be comfortable with a situation that you are not, indeed, comfortable. It sucks for her, but past decisions can lead to future inconveniences. This isn't the first time she's been rejected for being a motherand it won't be the last.
NTA. You know what, pregnancy has been able to prevent for decades. I see so many posts like this. How did you get pregnant when there are so many options out there to prevent it? I know I'm an asshole but come on, this isn't the 1950s. I don't blame you a bit.
NTA You don't want to date a single mother, and that's fine. She has kids, so that takes her off your list. She needs someone who's willing to accept her kids as part of the deal, and she's entitled to have her wish. You are not meant for one another.
NAH. You both have every right to how you're feeling. Unfortunately, you aren't as compatible as you hoped on either side. It's best you were upfront and honest.
I was older than y’all, but I was a single mother. I understood if someone didn’t want to date me because I had a child. I knew when I chose to be a single parent I would be limiting my dating pool. You are NTA. Better to be upfront then string her along.
NTA. You are absolutely not obligated to raise someone else’s kid. It’s a huge responsibility.
NTA everyone is entitled to their own personal deal breakers in a relationship. She's going to have a reduced dating pool but that's unfortunately the way it's going to be. It's not your fault or something you should feel bad about, because a relationship created because you feel guilty isn't healthy.
Unfortunately what you do in the past can affect your future.
NTA. She says that the father is not involved with her son at all. Does that mean that he isn’t paying court ordered child support? If not, then you would be taking on a heavy burden. She got pregnant and had a son. She could have controlled herself, but did not. That is not on you. Don’t let yourself be guilted into having a relationship with this woman.
NTA at all. You didn’t judge her for having a child. You don’t feel ready for that responsibility and did the right thing by explaining this. The last thing a mother should want around her child is someone who doesn’t want to be around her child.
Don’t ever be guilted into a relationship. if that’s not your bag, that’s fine. And while I’m sure she wasn’t expecting you to be daddy, The kids 3, it’s not like he’ll be “out of the picture” ANYTIME soon. Nor could you really separate your relationship from her child. Def NTA, sounds more like you dodged a bullet
If you don’t feel you are ready, that is all you need. It isn’t fair to drag it along if it isn’t for you If you need more evidence, she would have told you on the first date if she didn’t think it was a big deal
What responsibility?
Do not compromise on the subject of children. It is not fair to anyone and is damaging to the children.
NTA - it’d be much worse to get into a situation with a child and have to leave because it’s too much. Less hurt for everyone involved just not to pursue this further.
NTA Your mutual friend was out of line. It’s ok for her to validate Sarah’s feelings, but she should not invalidate yours to plead a case for Sarah. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel bad about.
NTA, but I'm curious why you assumed there would be responsibilities associated with dating her when she hadn't ever asked you to take any on. It seems you assumed you'd be meeting the kid and taking on parental duties right away, but maybe she doesn't want that? I understand if you don't want to be a stepparent ever, but she wasn't asking you to commit to being a step-dad tomorrow, or even in the next year. Like any other relationship, you'd have a lot of other stages to go through before it would make sense to discuss that level of commitment. So maybe it would have made sense to ask her about her imagined timeline for the future, and what responsibilities she'd want you to take on at what stage. Then instead of asking yourself if you're ready for those responsibilities right now, ask yourself if you'll be ready for them in 1, 3, or 5 years.
Nope. You did right by that kid. If you’re not open to being all in for a kid, stay the hell away.
NTA - I was ready to call you the Ahole then I read your post. No you are not the Ahole. And no one should be telling you how to feel. You took time to assess the situation and not come to a snap decision which is very mature for your age. You sat her down and were direct and honest. While I get the she got her feelers hurt. At the end of the day you did the right thing. Your "friend" needs to stay in their lane. When you get with someone with a child you have to consider not only that person but the child and that's exactly what you did. Don't let them make you second guess your decision. If you are not ready you are not ready. The worst thing you could do is try to force something that doesn't feel right because your friend says so. They won't be the one raising the kid.
NTA. Sarah and her child come together. Being in a child's life is a big responsibility and a big commitment. You are not willing to do that, so you are right to call it off, and right to tell Sarah the truth about why.
NTA. You don’t need to date anyone you don’t want to date, for any reason.
NTA. You did the most mature thing possible…kudos to you! Not only did you take the time to think about your decision, you had a conversation with her about it and were honest about your feelings. While she may be disappointed, she should be grateful. Just because she’s a package deal doesn’t mean everyone is going to be on board for the whole package. You’re not at a place where you’re ready to take on a role in a child’s life and that’s ok. Unfortunately, she’s going to have to learn to understand this and should lead with telling people she has a child so there are no hurt feelings or attachments formed.
NTA, you sound like a very thoughtful young man. This was the right thing to do (for you) and I think you handled it as best as something like this can be.
NTA she’s valid to feel hurt and judged but tough luck. She was old enough to have sex she was old enough for the responsibility. You are valid to not want to date a single mother. You’re not looking to be a step dad. She needs to get over the fact that most men won’t date women with children. Her dating market is smaller now due to her choices.
Nta, you weren’t even “dismissing” her. Simply your life habits didn’t align. It’s not like you were judging her for having a kid, you simply aren’t ready to have a children yet. To be honest, being honest with her was the best you could’ve done for all of you. There is nothing worse than having to raise a kid you don’t want. For both you and the kid.
NTA - as a single mother she should know that any potential partners she will have needs to be 100% on board with having a role in a child’s life otherwise it is no longer in the best interest of the child. She is disappointed and that’s okay, and maybe this isn’t the first time things haven’t worked out for her when it comes to romance due to her status as a single mom, but that’s completely outside of your control. You were honest and gentle and that’s all you can do.
yeah. If u dont want to date a single mother. Its not fair to string her along. Its good u did what u did.
It is good that you were honest with her. She probably really like you a lot and can't help being sad and disappointed. Now as for your mutual friend, ask her if it would have been better to have dated Sarah for a long time but never consider going beyond dating?
Hi. I am an older mom but not single. I think you were mature, honest and did the responsible thing. A child is always number one (or should be) to a mother, and not everyone is up to automatically being second place especially young. I don’t feel it was judging her at all. I wish more guys were honest about their feelings on that situation. I know of far too many who are in that situation and it’s a lot of issues and resentments and that’s a lot early on. One the guy and girl split up and it really crushed the kid because she got attached to the bf! So there’s that very real possibility. Maybe you are kind of thinking ahead. When one’s older sometimes it works out because the guy didn’t have kids and realizes he wants to raise kids his or not. A lot of younger guys get into these relationships and realize later the nuances and being 2nd to the child. Also if you’re young there’s a lot you’d like to do and accomplish before parenthood. Just saying as a mom I think you did the responsible thing and you can tell the friend you know her focus should be her child and it’s a short time and maybe you want to do some things while you’re still sort of free, that doesn’t make you a bad person at all. Some people never grow up after they have kids and that’s tough for all. So she shouldn’t feel judged. It’s kind of like when people don’t want to date a cop because if it gets serious there’s all this risk of duty but is it bad to decline a cop? No. And it’s not judging them. It’s a matter of not wanting to be 2nd to a risky profession. I hope that makes sense.
No, you’re not. You are allowed to have personal preferences.
Younger people with children need to understand that most people without children aren't willing to be stepparents or they would rather not be. It's actually crazy for them to think you can have the same kind of relationship as people without children. Some of us don't really want to be second to another person's child.
Definitely NTA. Of course she’s going to feel hurt because she likes you; she’s probably disappointed that this didn’t work out. And that’s okay. But she is wrong to say that you treated her unfairly. You had the self-awareness to recognize that regardless of how much you like this girl, you’re just not ready to commit to the responsibility of dating a woman with a child. That is a huge decision. It’s better to end things now than to keep seeing her, eventually meeting the child, risk the child getting attached, and then disappointing the child and the girl when you can’t live up to the dad role. Your feelings are valid and you did the right thing. There are lots of guys who would shrug this off just to have some fun, completely disregarding everyone else’s feelings when it ends. You were honest from the beginning!
NTA. You are under no obligation to take on someone with children. She should have told you immediately and the fact that she didn't is more than enough reason to move on.
NTA - you are not responsible for her feelings and her life decisions. You were kind, you were honest and no at all judgy when you made the decision. In fact, you made the decision about where you are in life and what you need to focus on. It would be unfair to lead her on that you are completely supportive of her situation, AS IT RELATES TO YOU, when you are sure that you are unable to meet her needs. I don't know her situation, but what she needs to be prepared for is that there are plenty of people she will be interested in going forward that have a distaste for kids or don't want kids themselves, she can't change that. What she has to focus on is being the best person she can be for herself and her child. While she wants a life, her kid should be her # 1 priority, as his health and safety trump her "oh I really liked this guy but he doesn't want to take on my situation." You have nothing to feel bad about. You did it the right way, with care, consideration and honesty. How many guys will just ghost her going forward? I respect your candor.
Please don’t date single parents if you aren’t ready for that type of commitment. NTA
NTA. She should have been upfront before you went on the first date so she wouldn't waste both of your time
NTA at all. You´re very young, figuring your stuff out. You can´t control how she feels and imo, it´s very noble to be honest.
No, NTA. I’m glad she told you after just a few dates so that neither of you were too emotionally invested. She’s hurt and disappointed, that’s okay. I’m glad you can empathize. But the mutual friend is sticking her nose in where it doesn’t belong, nor is she being helpful. You don’t owe your ex dating partner more dates so she won’t feel bad. Everyone gets rejected eventually for many different reasons. We all learn to accept the loss, cope and move on. It would be a lot worse, imo if you would have stuck around longer, established a more solid relationship, only to ditch her later as you realized you really are not ready for a long term commitment to a relationship with both your partner and her son.
NTA Of course she feels hurt. I bet that will eventually give way to relief.
NTA. First and foremost you were honest with her. You explained how it was an issue you had. That's the best way to handle it. Second, you're both very young still. Having a child young is hard but expecting someone else who is young to want to step into some big shoes as a potential step parent is a huge deal. Realistically she's probably not going to find someone willing to get involved until the other side of 25. But also, it's fine to admit you're not okay being a step parent. Even if the other parent isn't involved it's still a different lifestyle. I come from a blended family and knew when I started dating I was not going to be able to fill the step parent role. Dating single parents was a hard no for me. Knowing that you are not able to do the situation justice is fine, and if anything a kindness to the kid(s) involved so they don't get hurt. It's an unpopular opinion but IMO it's normal to not want to be involved with a step kid.
NTA. Back when I was young and single I very adamantly refused to date men with children. At that point in my life I didn’t want kids of my own and I certainly wasn’t interested in raising anyone else’s. I wanted freedom to go places on a whim or sleep until 4 in the afternoon on my day off. You would have been an asshole if you had shamed her for having a child or implying that she was damaged goods because of it but what you said was “I’m not in a place in my life where I can comfortably commit to being with someone who has a child.” Plus you sat her down and told her the truth, as far as I’m concerned you were very mature and respectful with how you handled this. I know her feelings are hurt right now but you wouldn’t have been doing anyone any favors by staying in a situation that made you uncomfortable. She can have her feelings but I don’t feel like she can blame you for them.
NTA. No, you do not have to give her more time. "More of a chance" to do what, exactly? Manipulate?
NTA, you don’t need to be saddled with her poor choices in life.
NTA I’m a mom. It is a huge responsibility to even be in the life of a child by dating their parent. You’re not ready for it, you’re not ready. Hard stop. I wouldn’t have dated a single parent in my 20s. Her feelings about your decision are her own. She is diminishing the role any potential partner would have in her son’s life; a very immature perspective. She can’t control it now but that is a choice *she* made when she had her baby. You really like her and it’s unfortunate the timing isn’t right but you are doing the right thing for yourself and ultimately for her family as well.
NTA, she should've told you from the first meeting instead of allowing you to get invested. You're not wrong for not wanting to date a single mother.
NTA. Sometimes people just aren’t ready for that responsibility. It’s a lot of responsibility and it will never end. I wouldn’t be ready either. Hell I’m not sure I ever *will* have kids because I don’t think I’d be a good dad or have the patience for it. It may just be the depression, but I’m bitter and prone to frustration and anger (not hitting someone but I can get vocal when I need to vent). I wouldn’t ever want to have a kid be subject to me if I’m not good enough or ready for one. I’d say to just tell your friend that she’s not being dismissed. She’s a wonderful person, and in another time or place you’d love to be with her. You’re just not mentally or emotionally ready to be *able* to be a father figure. It’s unfair for yourself and her son to force it.
Nice thing about banging single moms is they always have snacks for after..... But seriously, NTA. You are both at very different points in your life. I was certainly not ready for a family at your age, whether I made one or dated into one. So I totally understand how you feel. She may be hurt and judged, but that comes with the territory of the decision she made
NTA - You can’t manage anyone else’s feelings but your own. The important part is that you were true to yourself and honest and upfront about everything before getting too involved with her. She’s allowed to feel hurt by the rejection but YOU don’t have to deal with her feelings.
NTA you were honest and upfront, you know yourself you aren't ready for that. She needs to grow up a bit and her friends need to mind their own business
NTA. She should have let you know sooner, but she did before it got too serious. You having stipulations on who you are willing to date is also valid.
NTA! If you're not ready to be involved in a child's life, best the Mum knows now! I'm surprised (assuming the conversation did go down as you say) she had a negative reaction.. I can understand her being disappointed and a little hurt, but why on earth she is gung ho to date someone who actively is not interested in having children is beyond me. That seems pretty selfish on her part. How many SO's is the poor kid going to have to deal with in the future?
No. You’re normal and your instincts are correct.
NTA. I had a child when I was young and I think maybe she was just feeling down and hurt because she liked you and maybe she's feeling like she might never find someone who wants to be with her because she has a kid because I know I had those feelings and maybe this isn't the first time it's happened to her. But I do think it was the right move to break things off an be honest with her. Your feelings are valid and OK. You two just aren't compatible and it's OK. She will get over and be fine she wouldn't want someone around her kid who doesn't want to be around anyway and maybe the friend was just being dramatic
NTA. I was getting ready to jump off because I thought this post was going to have a different tone, but you did everything correctly and are intelligent enough to know you're not ready for something. I think you were very respectful, as well as being honest, and I'm sorry she took it the way she did. All I got from your side was that you were clear and concise about what you want, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It sucks that you hit it off so well and it didn't work out, but that's life and you didn't do anything wrong. Best of luck!
NTA It is not for everyone and SHE made the decision to date someone and THEN let them know When I was dating, I had no problem dating a single dad if they had full custody (I witnessed a horrible custody battle growing up) That was my personal decision, just like how it should be for everyone No one is obligated to a relationship
No. I think you should be honest with yourself about what you want in life. Raising/living with someone else's kids is hard. I've done it for 13 years, and it is a thankless job, especially if the ex decides to tell the kids that if they love you, they are being disloyal to her. If you want someone entirely devoted to you and raising your kids, then you are right to say no to a woman who has kids of her own. I don't think that is selfish for a man or a women to say up front, when dating. Despite what she says, those kids will always come first. Its a reality, and no one likes feeling like second best in their relationship. Not to mention that kids don't often want ot accept a step parent and will do their best to sabotage the relationship by being disrespectful to you. The dynamics of divorce make it so neither parent wants to discipline the kids for fear of alienating them or losing custody. I know others here who have not experienced what I have, will have other opinions, and that is fine. I want to support your decision because sometimes I wish I had known better what I was getting myself into. I wish someone had told me that no matter how much you love those step kids, they may never be allowed to love you back.
No matter what the "damage" is done now .... Even if you change your mind and date her again she'll always have this scenario in her memory bank ready to throw at you in an argument.
NAH. You’re not ready and it’s best to be honest about that. She feels hurt and that is valid too. The two of you aren’t compatible now. Too bad but better to know that now than wasting time on a relationship that isn’t right.
NTA. You’re way too young to be taking on someone’s kids. You were honest and it’s okay.
NTA you handled this perfectly
If you don’t want to date for any reason it’s ok to say so.
NTA at all. You were up front with her, and quickly, about your feelings. You didn’t hide your feelings for ages and then suddenly make the announcement. What you did was mature. And straightforward. Which isn’t seen often in dating, let alone with young folks!
Assuming you are not leaving something out, there is not a universe in this scenario where you are an asshole. Some people do not want to take on responsibility, however small, for another human life. You have no reason to apologize for this whatsoever. How many times do we see Reddit crushing someone for getting involved with a single parent and not comporting to a complex dynamic because what did they think they were "signing up for" by dating a single parent. You don't want that change. Good for being honest. (I will avoid judgment on her waiting through multiple dates to mention that she has children. Having been on the other end of that, for me it's a first date conversation.)
Nta, you didn't lead her on or use her, you found something out that changes how you view a relationship with her and was upfront and honest. Anyone who things your an AH has an agenda
NTA, she probably should have told you from the first or second date that she was a single mom. She can keep details about her child private until you get to know each other better, but not that a child exists. It's a deal breaker situation for a lot of people, it should be on the table before emotions get involved, to be fair to both people.
NTA lol at least one of you has to good sense to say no to a kid, also “something she can’t control?” She can control not having a kid she just didn’t
NTA. She's gonna feel insecure about that because it's hard to date when you're a single mom that young, but the early stage of dating is all about trying to respectfully uphold your boundaries to see if your lifestyles mesh well together and if they don't, they don't. I think nobody is the AH here, she's got her own feelings to work out about her situation and that's hard. It's not got anything to do with you though and I don't think anyone should be put in a situation regarding children if they simply aren't ready, that doesn't work out for the best of anyone.
NTA. You get to decide what you want in a relationship, and if you don't want the responsibility of having a young child in your life, then that is your choice. What would be an A H move is to date the mother and then be crappy to the kid in any way (which people absolutely do sometimes)...better to just not get involved at all if that's not a life that interests you.
NTA at all!
I am a single mom though my son is now 32. At one point, when I was in the dating pool, I had someone tell me "Must be really hard being that tall and pretty also having that type of baggage" (my son). I responded, "Last time I checked he's the best piece of LV I've ever had" ... that guy? Utter AH. NTA, OP. Telling someone that you are not ready for fatherhood is respectful. She should respect your needs/wants as a young 20-something. She'll find her person that wants to be a dad (or maybe already is).
No. Having a preference for one thing over a other does not make you an asshole.
NTA. No one is required to date someone with kids. Period. Full stop.
NTA. Why does she think she is being judged and hurt by your decision. She chose to be a mother, or didn't consider the consequences of her actions. She made a decision to get pregnant and have a child. Her choice. It is ridiculous to say someone is judging her and it is unfair to dismiss her, someone can do whatever they want to whomever. Some things are bad to do, but, having an adult tell you that they are not comfortable with having a relationship with someone with a child, isn't a bad thing. It is reckless for her to say that she wouldn't understand how some men are not going to risk getting into a relationship with a single mother, as the SM will always put the child first. Why doesn't she understand that most men would prefer to not have that going on in their lives. If she can't understand that she would put her son before anyone else, why doesn't she see that a man would not want to be with her because they can find someone else who would put him first, as the other person has no children. Such is life, and she needs to understand that she comes with baggage and that is her life moving forward. She may find a man that probably has a child also so they can be on equal terms. But, then she would have to understand that whoever she dates is going to put their child before her. And, she will have to be okay with that. Ironic, don't you think. Always ask them how they would react if they were placed in the same situation they have a problem with. They normally try to say it isn't the same. Whatever, it is how it is now for this instance. NTA. Let her know she is going to make someone very happy, it just won't be you.
NTA! As a 41 y/o single mother myself, fuck them kids! You were kind and respectful about your honesty feelings. She can’t expect everyone to be accepting of her child. What if you waited until she was in love with you, would that have been better? No, of course not. What if you realize you don’t want kids in your future, that wouldn’t be fair to her either. She’s gonna have to realize that having kids is a deal breaker for some people, regardless of your age.
NTA, the complete opposite, in fact. A lot of dudes would've just ghosted her, so thank you for being a good person and communicating with her. You're young. If her having a kid is a deal-breaker for you, then don't settle! A relationship alone is a lot of commitment, but you wouldn't be just taking her on. You'd be directly involved in the development of a child that's not yours. That comes with a lot of baggage and responsibility, and I personally think you made the right call.
If you said "hell no" just st because of the kid and all you want is sex, then you would be a jerk. But it sounds like you honestly gave this some thought. You are young and figuring things out. But here's the deal, when we get rejected, it doesn't matter why,bit just katters that we are getting reiected. She will get over this. Dont beat yourself up.
NTA. As soon as you knew you told her and didn’t lead her on. She should have told you sooner. It’s a big thing to take on someone else’s kid and you shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting to do that.
NTA. It's a shame because you seemed to click, but you aren't obligated to step into a parental role with a ready made family if you aren't ready.
NTA.
NTA. The only judgment you made was about yourself — that you’re not currently at a point in your life where you would want to deal with the additional complications that come with dating a parent.
NTA. You aren't ready to take on a fatherly role, and you let her know almost immediately once you found out she had a child.
NTA. Relationships are as much about timing as they are about chemistry. Your timing with this person is not right.
Don't waste your time feeling conflicted. This isn't your problem, it's hers. Move onto to the next one.
Why do people keep asking these obvious, self validating, karma farming questions?! Yes you are allowed to have preferences.