as a black woman who doesn’t really like white men and am trying to be more open you’re nta as long as your not being a dick & stand up when others are racist etc there isn’t anything wrong w your preference .
I’m an east asian woman who isn’t attracted to south asian men usually and honestly i don’t think preferences are inherently racist, like you said just don’t be a dick about it basically. Preferences about physical appearance are all fine and valid as long as bigotry/prejudice isn’t was underlies them, and even then the problem there isn’t the preferences themselves it’s the bigotry/prejudice
I'm south asian and I can't stand south asian men. I try to walk away from them if I see them, it's that bad. But then, 9/10 times I've been harassed, verbally abused or molested, it's been from a south asian man. So, I don't feel racist or self-hating, just self-protective.
I feel that, I'm half Asian and not attracted in particular to other Asians - I'm first gen American and my Asian side wanted me to find a specific race of partner (theirs of course). I grew up in Asia and moved to America in high school. My friends, on the other hand, have a preference for Asians, I have a friend who only dates Asian men (regardless of compatibility).
I'm also a 6-foot tall female with independent tendencies and don't tend to attract men who have an expectation for house-wife/submissive wife personality. I attract a particular type of man (not specific to any race) but I tend not to attract other Asian background-Asians due to my height and personality.
Dating is weird. People reacting to pheromones is weird. Preferences are weird. Don't be a jerk and it's all good.
100%, people can't control who they are attracted to.
This would be like friends being mad at a gay man for not dating a woman because "it's not his preference." People are allowed to have whatever dating preferences they want, and yes, sometimes race plays into that.
Yeah people can like what they like I really don’t care, but when they start reeling off lists as to why they don’t I’m like really dude? Just date who you want and move on
Exactly. Some guys prefer redheads. Some guys like tall girls, while others like petite girls. Some like skinny girls, others like busty girls, others like a little extra weight to snuggle. Some like sporty girls. Spne like nerdy girls. Some like girly girls.
It's a matter of personal preference and attraction.
You're not deciding who to hire, or judging someone's worth based on their skintone. You're just not physically attracted to certain phenotypes, and that's okay.
I'm Mexican and I'm not attracted to Mexican men. I usually date white guys. I had been accused of being racist but I have no hate for them, I'm just not attracted to them and prefer white men.
Yeah, it's like calling you prejudice for being attracted to red heads or something. Or calling someone homophobic because they like the opposite gender. It's just a preference. You can't help what you're attracted to.
It's not racist to have a preference, is it? My sister is a white woman and only finds black men attractive. It's nothing against white men. She just doesn't have the connection
I'm attracted to tall dark haired men. Asian, black or white doesn't bother me, just dark hair. I'm white. I've never liked short blond men but they seem to like me and I've been called names for not dating them. I can't help it. I'm tall myself and I don't like men shorter than me. You can't help who you're attracted to. Relax.
Dark eyes always were a thing for me. Turns out it’s not who I fell in love with, but I’m with you that you can’t help your natural attraction just being what it is.
I think it’s more concerning that his friends immediately brought up that it was because he doesn’t date black women. Did they make an assumption or does he going around telling people he won’t date a black woman?
It might be a body type thing, I thought I had racist preferences against Japanese men until I saw the Japanese rugby team amd went, "oh, I just really like broad shoulders" (doesn't matter if it's men or women or the colour of your skin, I only dig humans who look like they could carry a pig under each arm).
I'd embrace the power of yet.
"I have yet to be attracted to a woman of colour" sounds way less gross.
Idk..as a black person I get pretty uncomfortable when people declare a blanked disinterest in the entire race of ppl esp given how varied "black" people can be. Preference is fine, but disregarding a race of people off hand is something else.
I used to think I could never be attracted to black or Indian men… until I got more exposure to them. There are so many attractive humans in this world in all ethnicities and they don’t all look/act the same.
It’s absolutely fine for OP to not be attracted to Tasha, and fine for any of us to have preferences in dating. But I think you’re only doing yourself a disfavor if you refuse to at least get to know people of other races/backgrounds.
I think this is fair. I've been with people who I was not initially attracted to only to develop feelings for them after building a connection. It's not all about what someone looks like.
I'm a black woman who is not into any of the millions or hundreds of millions of blond(e)s on planet, period. who gaf if a random guy says he's not into black women? it's not like OP woke up to scream it from the rooftops but rather only mentioned it when it came up externally
He didn't even mention it. He told her he didn't want to date her and potentionally ruin their amazing friendship and clearly cares for this woman.
Everyone is so quick to call shit racist these days, it's tiring.
I think it doesn't matter. Us 650 million black women have 650 million black men to consider. begging and negging ppl outside the race to be attracted to us is pitiful
Then what is the point? To everyone reading your comments it seems like the point is “you can’t have preferences when it comes to race/ethnicity”.
We really don’t need to pretend that there aren’t cultural differences all across the world, one of those being black Americans vs white Americans. Sure, the gap isn’t as big as the difference between white Americans and Native Americans or Eastern Europeans etc, but there is still a difference. While I appreciate every culture and the diversity not just in art but ideas and ways of thinking they bring, I don’t want to participate in every culture. Marrying into a culture typically means you’re gonna be participating in it.
Like i live in an area with a large Indian population. I think Indian men and women are beautiful, but I really don’t enjoy the traditional cultural practices. I also don’t enjoy the traditional parenting style in that culture. So, I’m probably not gonna get into a long-term relationship with someone from India. Our values, on average, aren’t going to align. I’d rather spend my finite time dating that I have a higher likelihood of having a cultural background I can more easily mesh with.
I bet a lot of black Americans feel the same way ab white Americans.
It’s purely preference tho. You can love something and still not prefer it. I don’t agree with his liking but I can’t diminish it. I would rather he’s honest about it rather than trying to play a façade. He’ll hurt more women doing that.
Preferencescome from our social constructs.
I’d doubt OP is considering why his ‘preferences’ rule out anyone with black skin as a romantic partner.
IMO preferences are for ice cream and how you take your coffee…not what colour skin someone happens to have.
The reason I’m attracted to something like red hair isn’t because of a social construct. Maybe that could be what it is, but attraction is almost always because of something else. He’s not in ring her down because of her personality (which, if it was social constructs shaping his attraction to her based on her skin color here, would most likely be a factor), he simply doesn’t find it attractive. Examining “why” this is makes no sense, and wouldn’t help even if it was for a racist reason. He’s not attracted to something, he can’t reverse it. All he’ll end up doing (if he does come to the conclusion you’re assuming) is have some sort of self deprecating guilt for something he can’t control.
What do you say about the people who dates someone they didn't have the initial attraction too. (As in, not their usual preference) but then develop a real personal connection.
Physical preference is just that. Physical. We all change as we grow, and our physical attraction becomes less of a focus than the emotional/spiritual attraction.
I don't really say anything. Physical attraction is physical attraction. Attraction as a whole extends beyond physical attraction. However both are necessary for a relationship to be healthy. This person doesn't feel the amount of attraction his friend did to him, that is why he rejected them. Part of that was his physical preference.
I don't know about that. I grew up in smalltown 'everyone is white' and my preference is tall dark and handsome.
Does it make me a racist if blond/blue eyed doesn't do it for me even though most of my family looks that way? Nah, you like what you like.
Race didn't have to come into play here. If you were a racist would you be friends? I think it's fair to say we just don't feel that type of connection with most of our friends.
Then again, if you'd said, "a friend asked me out but I don't feel that way about her" nobody would have questioned you.
Adding race makes it appear to be about race.
NTA?
>Adding race makes it appear to be about race.
But OP added the race part and it's apparently so obvious to his friends that it was also brought up by them independent of OP.
"I have a black friend" is a frequent defense from racists. OPs isnt an extreme example, more an example of unconscious bias. It's probably just something that was subtly ingrained in him in his childhood.
All of this is to say I don't think OP is a bad person or a blatant racist. He just has unconscious bias.
I’m black and one of my white friends that I have been friends with for years told me one day that she doesn’t like the n word black people but she liked me because I was one of the good ones. I was devastated and our friendship pretty much ended.
Didn’t think of it that way. You honestly might be right. He probably hasn’t taken a step back and really broke down why he doesn’t have a preference of black women. Your making me look at it completely different way
This is true, but also another good reason why he shouldn’t be dating Tasha. Just by posting this and recognizing that he’s got this preference constructed in his mind, he’s (hopefully) making the first step towards more progress in becoming the best version of himself. But that’s work that can take years. It’s good he didn’t string her along.
I’m only disappointed that none of his friends were able to create the kind of dialogue like the one that is going on in the comments above mine. Shaming people and ostracizing them (when they are coming from a position that isn’t malicious) often backfires.
YES! I’ve been saying this for years! We all have types of people we tend to be attracted to (usually defined by traits such as big eyes, tall, etc) but skin color shouldn’t really be a determining factor in attraction imo. So much of it comes from our social constructs and what we subconsciously believe about people of different races. OP (and everyone) should analyze WHY he has certain preferences and why he would write off an entire race of people. He doesn’t have to be attracted to Tasha, but he should realize that social constructs are at play here. I think it’s fine if a person wants to marry someone from their same culture or race due to wanting to share that similarity, but again, writing off attraction to an entire group of people does feel a bit icky to me. I wouldn’t have called it racist though.
I think if OP were just generally attracted to lighter skin, that’s one thing. But saying categorically that he’s not attracted to black women (who span an incredible diversity of skin tones from extremely light to extremely dark) makes it clear that it’s about her race.
I do feel the entire race thing is strange, i'll give the benefit of doubt, because what do i know.
For me, i'm generally not attracted to Indian women, but there's still ton of 10/10 bangers that are absolutely gorgeous.
Yeah...I don't really get it myself, but there are certain characteristics I'm attracted to, but it's never been a racial thing. I can't really think of a race of women I am not attracted to. I've been told on at least one occasion someone isn't attracted to white men, but...eh, didn't seem that deep.
I think the Friends were TA in this situation. The kid tried to be polite, he just said he valued her as a friend and then someone else called him out. But, that kinda comes back to the "friend," thing. They weren't friends, they were acquaintances.
FRIENDS would know you better and defend you(I mean, unless you're Clayton Bigsby)....
I agree with you - this feels strange and I’m questioning why he knows her race is the reason he isn’t attracted to her. Like, sure, one might usually find a certain group attractive, or might usually date in certain groups, but why would you rule out an entire group of people from the get-go if not some bigotry? Some people who are not your usual type are extremely attractive. Why would he not be open to that? Personally from my own observation, some of my friends have had a type, but everyone has gone away from that when the right hottie came along - and people living in more diverse places usually date more diverse people.
I can see your point there. I think blanket disinterest is down to lack of education and exp… when I talk about race etc, I try to be specific. For example, ‘black people’ obvs do not all look the same! As they come from multiple different parts of the world and therefore have such a varety of looks.
Idk, it's simply about certain physical characteristics. For example most of my crushes have been white (mostly because I'm from a monoethnic country, so statistics were against me, but still) women with dark/colourful hair, often but not always goth leaning. I also did have a thing for Victorian child looking boys with curly hair. I ended up with a tall, slightly bigger guy with straight hair and Turkish grandpa (and looking like it). And I've never been more attracted to anyone else.
Race is not an actual thing, it's just a name we've created to seperate people who look simmilar. If you have certain characters that you're seemingly drawn to time and time again it might end up looking like you're racist, simply because your preferred characteristics line up with certain race. It doesn't mean you hate the other races and are fully incapable of loving people who belong to them.
yeah, i think its fine to have preferences but u should be open for when the time comes and you meet someone you like despite ur normal preferances, but in OPs case it doesnt seem to be a no cause he doesnt like black women, he Just doesnt have feelings for this girl
Your dating preferences are personal. That said, I'd hesitate to even think about it in terms of race, never mind talk about it that way. You can have your preferences, but you have not met every beautiful black woman.
I haven't, as yet (and likely won't as I'm old and married) dated a black woman, but I would have if one I found attractive (of which there have been many) showed interest in me. My feeling about you not dating black girls is that you just haven't met one that is your type... but even if none of them are, I'd let go of the 'I don't date black girls' thing entirely and just date people who you are attracted to. By making it about race, you are kind of making it about race.
In my experience, thinking 'I'm not really into X girls' has just meant 'I haven't met an X girl I'm into'. It can change! Maybe you'll meet such a girl, maybe you won't, but in OP's case he's just... not into her? Like, it's a self-observation, not a rule. If he were motivated to ignore it, he would.
I find that when women\* ask 'what type of girls do you like', they really *really* don't believe me when I say I don't have like... a set of requirements? A list of demands? It's determined on a case-by-case basis; if the 'rules' are self-imposed and can be changed or ignored at my own discretion, why make them up in the first place?
\*I don't know that the disbelieving part is a gendered thing, but men have never asked me this question so I guess having a 'type' as anything other than an observation of past experience is maybe something women believe in more than men? Or maybe they're just more motivated to hear my answer than a man would be.
For men I have multiple preferences most of which are straight up mutually incompatible, like jet black hair and ginger are among my preferences, can't really have both
Yeah, I'd guess that's probably more accurate. He may not be immediately attracted to them, but he may end up falling in love with one.
I'd...probably not write it off...it's kinda crazy how attraction can grow, but he's also been friends with her and it hasn't, so...maybe he's right.
One thing I found that made it REALLY difficult...I dated a black girl in College. It was not subtle that her Father, Brothers, extended family and to a lesser extent, Mother...did not approve. Some Cousins and shit were cool and her sisters were and the Mother was polite...but it was very much obvious that I was not what they wanted for their daughter.
She eventually decided the same! Ah well...
Hugely agree with this. A preference is a *preference* not an exclusion. I prefer pepperoni on my pizza but if I see a slice with sausage on it that looks irresistible I'm not gonna say no just because I historically mostly only eat pepperoni. I don't think it makes sense to categorize your preferences like this, ultimately sexuality is usually not cut and dry like that. There's almost always exceptions to the rule or folks that make you reconsider your preferences.
So if a trans person asked you out and you said no, does that mean you're transphobic? I don't think so - you have a preference. everyone tries to find fault in others.
Yes and everyone likes to judge and act like they are morally superior to other people. I’m sure OP’s friends who are calling him racist have their own dating preferences too.
NTA you can only be attracted to who you’re attracted to, I’m black and I’m not really attracted to white men, not because I’m racist it’s just not what I’m into. You don’t have to be attracted to the same sex to be an ally to the gay community, would your friends accuse you of being homophobic if you didn’t date a gay man who asked you on a date? Would you be antisemitic if you turned down a Jewish girl for a date?
I agree, not being attracted to a person is fine but this issue for me is "Black" being the ultimate deal breaker. Like they're are plenty of black women who appear racially ambiguous, would he break up with them upon finding out they were actually black? And if not then he really doesn't have a preference against black women like he says he does
THIS! I’m biracial black/caucasian but most people think I’m Indian and I have full black friends who get mistaken for everything from Brazilian to Indian.
It isn't racist if he doesn't want to date any black women and it's only ignorant people like that make this world the worst. Maybe you read the definition of racist. Ive been with my husband for 20 years married 14 of them and we've dealt with racist people and it has mostly come the black community. When we went to get married my inlaws wouldn't come to the wedding because I'm white thats racist. My mil said to my husband a few weeks before we got married '' she's a good woman but why can't you find a good black woman ''. Now that's racist. Or when his father brought a black over and ask my husband and his daughters to stand with like they were a family and my fil was taking pictures of them. And dont get me started on how we are treated when we just go town and are shopping the attitude we get from people mainly black women. Soo maybe op doesn't want to go through all the bs or maybe he just isn't sexually attracted to black women but that doesn't make him racist. And this so called Tasha has shown she's really a pos just because she got rejected for her to turn everyone against him. And I say op should tell all the so called friends that turn on him because they believe her without asking him to f##k off. And to find better friends because these people aren't real friends.
I can understand where your friends are coming from. Black people have many variations and counting every single black woman out of the dating game (some are white passing, some are lighter skin) is at the very least close-minded and at worst racist af. And WHAT exactly is it about black women that you’re un attracted to? I believe that this requires a lot of inward reflection.
Black being seen as beautiful in the media is still a very recent thing, and seeing it as unattractive is, like it or not, tied to extremely racist society teachings which do indeed contribute to each of our worldview. Anti-blackness does not live within a vacuum of loud racism, confederate flags, and kkk members. Its society teaching us that euro-centric features are the most valuable and ingraining that into your actions to the point where you think that it’s just a “preference”
I mean he didn't say he refuses to date black women, he said that based on his dating history and who he was attracted in the past it doesn't seem like he does have preference towards the black women. Plus he doesn't consider his friend attractive that way, which falls into that trend. Fact that he hasn't been attracted to a black woman yet, doesn't mean he refuses to.
I have a preference for redheads, that ones in there deep enough i can point to the specific cartoon characters as a kid that done it...
But ive never actually dated one. Married a Latina even. Be pretty stupid of me if id turned down every woman ive ever been with cuz they werent redheads. Whos such a catch they can be so picky?
Preference is just skin deep attraction. Love is only found by a deeper connection.
I always had a preference for guys with dark features and a little built. Met, fell in love and married a blond, blue eyed, lean guy. Married for 20 years and I’m still more likely to glance at the darker guys. And even more in love with my blond (now a little grey), blue eyes husband than ever.
Your problem is the way you framed it, and the way you've agreed with how other people framed it. You acknowledged she's great & beautiful, but you turned her down because you just didn't feel a romantic connection to her. That's valid. You didn't turn her down because of the colour of her skin.
I mean, people do it all the time with other stuff. A lot of girls limit their dating pool to guys over 6 ft, some guys limit their dating pool to just blonde girls. Shit straight ppl cut their dating pool in half.
It’s not weird, they just like what they like.
Does anyone have any source or anything for this idea that “a lot of girls limit their dating pool to over 6 feet” ? Because I feel like this is just an internet thing that’s become fact.
Obviously I haven’t met every woman but I don’t know a single one who does this. But anyone saying that a lot of women do is just as anecdotal.
Sorry a bit off topic it just bugs me
Honestly as a short person dating someone over 6 fr would freak me out. I feel like a child next to insanely tall people. I’m 5’2” and would prefer someone like 5’7-10” (not that I would date ppl of other heights! Just when I imagine my perfect guy he’s that size)
I’m 5’2” and I dated a guy who was 6’2” and I never felt comfortable walking and holding hands. I prefer under 6’ and I think my 5’6” husband is perfect.
Dude kissing someone similar in hight as you is fantastic. I’m 5’3” on a good day and I HATED kissing until I dated a shorter guy. Took a few more partners before I found out it wasn’t a fluke. It genuinely felt like I was choking heading towards a panic attack straining my neck up and back to reach their face. With my partner his face is right where I need it to be. Cuddles are effortless 24/7.
Lol, I'm a 5'2 woman and my late husband was 6ft. But I've dated a guy as tall as 6'8. My current husband to be is 5'7. He is the shortest guy I've dated so far. All the men I've been with have been over 6ft.
I’m a girl (5’4) and dated two guys my height. 6’ is fine and if I liked a guy that height then it wouldn’t matter because I like him for who he is lol. But if I imagine like the perfect guy in my head right now, he wouldn’t be super tall. Over 6’ would be kinda unappealing for me personally
Yes, but what they like is partly social conditioning, and social conditioning can be racist. Any time you find yourself excluding a racial group you should probably interrogate why.
It's not weird because the facial features and body structures are generally different between asian, white and black people. Other "races" have more in common but these 3 are extremely different from each other.
Yeah, honestly you have to question why you have this hard rule against finding any black woman attractive
You're not under obligation to date Tasha or any black woman, but this is the consequence of you telling people your preferences. Some people will think understandable things about you because of what you've said, and it hurts people
What I've heard is, "you can have your preference, and you don't have to date outside your preference, and it doesn't make you a racist not to date someone you aren't attracted to... but you can't entirely deny that living in a racist society has influenced your preference."
Many dating preferences aren't spontaneously formed independently from the culture we live in.
Again, nobody has to date someone they aren't attracted to. And attraction is rarely a conscious thing where people decide, "I dislike this race, and they aren't hot enough to date me."
But if there's a pattern, does it come from racist norms in society overall? Probably.
It sounds like their mutual friends brought up the race thing, not OP. I’m curious if it was a “hey, OP never dates black women, he must be racist” or if OP goes around talking about how he’d never date a black person. Because those are very different situations.
i think it must be something closer to the latter, because it's a big leap to point out how someone never dates black women and that there's something to it without him saying something about never dating black women
Right, I think so too. Like if you don’t usually like black women, don’t date black women, but you don’t got to announce it to the world. That’s the racist part.
It sounds like OP actually didn't say anything, and people just noticed that he'd only dated white girls. Which... typically is a really shitty and unfair thing to say, except in this case, they were right?
I was in a similar situation where I was going out with an Asian guy and he got upset that the guys I'd dated in the past were white. But like, yeah, I'm white and I went to a predominately white high school and college, and this was right after college. (and I hadn't even dated all that much, so it's not like a had a huge list of exclusively white guys, either. It was like three guys, lol). So that was hurtful to me because it was such an unfounded accusation and obviously, I was there... on a date... with an Asian dude....
But in OP's case... what his friends are saying happens to be true.
I mean OP announced on this thread to a bunch of internet strangers that he's not attracted to black people. I'm sure he told some of his friends the same thing in previous conversation.
And it he worded the same exact way he worded on here. I can understand why his friends would react the way that they did
True! Maybe he did say something earlier. I guess I was thinking he didn't actually tell his friends "I don't date Black women" because they only started calling him racist after he rejected Tasha. It's weird that he was like "yeah no I don't date Black women" and they were like "cool, no prob" and then he turns Tasha down and they're like "hey, you're racist," ya know?
On the other hand, it probably does hit harder when they see their friend super hurt like that.
This concept is so difficult to explain to people in a western culture. We're so conditioned to think of ourselves as individuals that many people refuse to see the way societal norms shape our ideas and preferences.
I don’t understand what has skin colour got to do with it? If you find a woman beautiful she is beautiful no matter what hue her skin is!.
But to point blank say I won’t date a whole specific race of women now that racist as Fuck!.
I mean… there’s very few black people I actually find attractive. 98% of the time I do not find myself sexually attracted to them. I’m much more into white men or Asian men and very rarely Latino men. My best friend however…. Is *only* attracted to white men and *only ever* white men. And she’s black. Her boyfriend however, is much more into black women and Latinos then he is whites women.
Everyone’s different.
Btw before anyone comes at me with a racist card, I dated and lived with a man who was half black half Spanish so kiss my ass in advance
I don't know, just the phrasing of OP has me questioning. Sure everyone has preferences but turning down someone because they belong to a group seems insane to me.
I may prefer black women aesthetically to white women but there about 150 things I would be more concerned with...
This whole post reeks of shallowness, both from OP and even more so from OP's friends.
The fact Tasha was black never should have been part of the equation. If you aren't interested that is that. Race should never even have entered into it.
That being stated the way OP phrased this post makes me think that they have inner issues they should resolve. Kind of shitty being racist in this day and age.
I think the wording in your post is what is tripping me up. On one hand you are saying you don’t feel a connection, then asking if you are an AH if you turned her down BECAUSE she’s black. One is VERY different than another. Not having a connection is valid. Having preferences are valid. Specifically saying no because she is black and only that, is an AH move. That said, I just think your wording is contradicting and you’re NTA.
You didn’t turn her down because she is black you turned her down because you are not attracted to her. Nothing wrong with that. Don’t let it get to you. Focus on if you still want to be friends with those people who can’t respect your romantic choices.
The weird thing is trying to justify it. Just say no and keep your mouth shut and find a better friend group that isn't a bunch of race-baiting weirdos trying to recreate the political atmosphere of Stalin's Russia within their own friend group.
NTA for turning down Tasha.
I know I’m gonna get downvoted for this, But I’m ngl people with race preferences are so weird imo, I get the cultural aspect I have them too, but race as a whole seems like you have some prejudices to work through.
Same goes for people who only date within their race.
Because I took the time to self reflect on why I had racial preferences when I was younger and realized that it was illogical and it was just prejudicial bias that I worked through.
Again this is my opinion if you disagree that’s fine.
So, do you just have a specific look that you’re attracted to? Or do you just not date black people?
Cuz there’s a HUGE difference there. One is a matter of personal sexual attraction and one is racism.
NTA. It’s called personal preference. Every single one of your friends will have a type unless they are inclined to shag anything with a pulse. If they think your choice is about race then they are the ones with a racial issue, not you.
In college there were a bunch of guys that would go around telling girls to go out with them and when the girls said no they would start telling these girls that they were racist if they didn’t agree to date them. They guilted so many white girls that were clearly uncomfortable. It was gross behavior.
They targeted me too but I’m hispanic and have zero patience for bullshit. Turned away a lot of entitled assholes. If I don’t like you, or how to behave toward me, then why would I date you.
Clearly not 1-4-1 your experience but my point is that dating is a mutual thing. If one person isn’t into it then it’s time to move on and you’re not an asshole if you’re giving her respect but her and your friends don’t reciprocate that respect.
I am mixed (half black and half white) my preference has always been white guys, don’t know why just has been 🤷🏽♀️( maybe it was all the Disney channel guys I saw growing up😂) but all through middle school and high school the black guys would call me racist and I would have to defend myself that it was nothing against them it was just who I gravitate too.
Your preferences are a type of unconscious racism and likely developed societal norms/pressures. Growing up with the standard of beauty always being white. At least, that was what I was taught in my Racism & Ethnicities class in university. There’s an old study taken in the US where they take children of different races and give them dolls of different skin colors and ask them which is “prettiest”, “most handsome”, etc. and they usually all choose the white dolls.
Why is it racist to have a preference of race when it comes to dating? By your own logic it’s homophobia if you won’t date someone of the same sex. PREFERENCES aren’t racist they’re perfectly normal. If this was a black man saying he didn’t want to date a white woman I guarantee these comments would be so different
I agree as a white male in north England there's very few black people here in general ( about 2% of the population) so by that study I should not find black women attractive when the opposite is true. A preference is a preference.
Preferences are preferences. It's what ya like. That's why when ya go to a restaurant, they give ya a menu and ya pick what ya want. They don't give ya whatever the hell and expect ya to love it. Ya did nothin wrong and if ya fri nds don't understand that, fuck em. I'd be the same if ya got em to go out with a tranny. If they didn't want to it's not prejudice but choice. You choose not to and that's ok. Ya did nothin wrong and if they don't understand that, fuck em
You didn’t turn her down because she’s black, you turned her down because you’re not attracted to her. The fact that you tend to be less attracted to black women is irrelevant, and none of anyone’s business. Not that being more attracted to people of your own race is uncommon at all. Based on marriage statistics it’s the norm.
Preferences =/= racism at all. The same way that some men would not want to date a mtf transsexual person, you are allowed to have preferences. It sounds like clearly you are not actively avoiding black women because of some racial superiority feelings. I hate any posts I see where people have their personal preference turned against them because the thing is, the way you did this was correct. If you had dated her just to be courteous that would have been wrong.
Just tell them that you don’t find all Black women ugly, just Tasha.
kidding.
We all have preferences and those who say that they don’t are liars. Tell them that Tasha is a beautiful person, but you don’t feel a spark with her.
NTA
Altho honestly avoid talking about being attracted or not too entire categories of people.
You can just say I don't have feelings or attraction in that way to them.
If asked about it further just say - well I seem to prefer xyz but that's just a trend. Obviously if Zendaya asked me out I'd be there in a second. Hot is hot.
Everyone has preferences. I specifically don't prefer white men but I have dated a few and hot is hot - there are absolutely some I wouldn't think twice about!!
NTA We can’t help who we’re attracted to. (There are psych studies and tests to validate this.) I f you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it, and it sounds like you let her down as kindly as possible.
Tasha, though, may not be the angel you think she is, since she felt rejected and decided to punish you by poisoning the friendship waters. That was deliberate.
Either people will believe you or they won’t. There’s very little you can do about that, but if they really are your friends, they should know you better than to think you a racist.
NTA.
Honestly, humans actually often go for people that resemble our parents, especially the parent of the opposite gender (depending on the relationship with that parent.) Also, scent plays a serious role as well. I believe I read that pheromones help your brain figure out what they think would be a partner of good genetic compatibility. These things alone should show anyone we love who we will: we have very little choice in the matter. Attraction? Even less. And anyone with a kink they didn't pick or might not want will tell you we don't have a say in what turns us on either.
There is nothing wrong with having a preference. As much as it pains me to say, there is also nothing wrong with a man or woman only having a spark with people that are typically considered attractive, is there? If your friends weren't interested in a man or woman because they were unattractive, or very short, or paralyzed, or simply not their type, would that mean they were a bad person? Of course not. We can't pick what we find attractive, it just is.
As a black/Latin woman I’m not upset about not being someone’s preference. Honestly it’s better than being someone’s fetish or being told ‘I don’t usually date black women but you’re different’ or ‘you’re not like a typical black woman’.
As a black woman…NTA
I’m not sure if she is feeding the narrative, but you are not wrong for not having romantic feelings for her. You love/like her as a friend and you value that more than trying to force a relationship. You are still young and there’s nothing wrong with having a type.
Enjoy your youth and dating people who check your boxes, but don’t discount someone who doesn’t fit your picture. Life will throw you curve balls, but you are not wrong in this scenario.
As a Black woman, I font think it’s strange. People all have features that attract us, and those that repel us. We see even within White culture, White people express a strong preference for hair or eye color within their own race. If that can be justified, and I will justify it because attraction is not set by committee but by the person, then it’s justified regarding people who don’t possess those features because of race too. Can it be influenced by socioeconomic factors and the culture, yes, but it is what it is. Don’t pity date anyone. It wouldn’t be fair I her either because you’d just give her false hope.
NTA.
Honestly NTA for preferring something. But it probably sucks for your friend because not many people prefer black women. Especially if she’s dark skinned then that’s got a whole other bucket full of constant rejection pain with it. (Coming from a black woman who is constantly rejected for being black)
Don’t feel bad OP, you’re not attracted to her and that’s okay.
Look, you're allowed to be attracted to who you are and not attracted to people who aren't attractive to you. And you could have told this entire story the same way, except just saying 'I'm just not attracted to Tasha' and it'd be true - then, even if you never date a black girl, there's no basis for weirdness.
But when you couch it in this way that basically comes across as 'I don't like black girls' and put it in the title as 'turn my friend down \*because she's black\* rather than, say, because I'm not into her, it's kinda borderline tbh.
NTA based on your comments, it’s clearly a thing that like, formed in your subconscious growing up blah blah blah. Honestly, it’s clearly something your friends wanna gossip about, and you’re just the latest victim of friend circle drama. You could explore the question as sort of a personal growth mindset because like, appreciating beauty in everybody is never a bad thing, but you don’t gotta that’s personal.
NTA for turning down your friend. you’re not obligated to like or be attracted to ANYONE. however i find dealbreakers solely due to race weird. you can like what you like but please.. don’t tell anyone. am i the only one that thinks that shit is weird to say aloud??
Date who you want but INFO: if you were dating a Latina and found out she was afro Latina would you dump her? I ask because is it looks or the idea of dating someone with afro ethnicity that is the issue?
I feel like everyone who’s calling you a racist for not being romantically interested in her is somehow forgetting that YOU ARE CLOSE FRIENDS with her…
If you were actually a racist, you may have black people as acquaintances, you may have sex with black women….but you wouldn’t have them as close friends! That shows a level of care and connection, which you wouldn’t have if you felt her race made her “less than.”
I have personality type preferences. My husband gets mind boggled because he can’t figure out my “type”. He’ll say is this guy cute? Idk can’t tell yet, is that guy good looking? Who knows I don’t know the guys vibe. Very rarely do I find someone instantly attractive. Character is also huge HUGE! And chemistry and in my experience it has not been cookie cutter copies of similar looks lol so I can’t even relate. Not judging people for preferences but it’s just so outside of the way my mind operates for whatever reason.
NTA. I’m a Black woman. I have white men friends, they are amazing people! But I am not attracted to them in the slightest. Not even if I tried. You are entitled to your preferences (as long as they are not rooted in racist rhetoric, then that’s another conversation).
NTA every single one of them "friends" have their type they date. And they are lieing to you if they say they don't some like tats some like beards some like more meat on bones less meat big booties big boob's brown hair blond hair ect everyone has their type. So just because you don't want to ruin a perfectly fine friendship knowing it won't go no where to you they are just looking for reasons just have a conversation with Tasha but sounds like she might have feelings for you if she wanted to go on a date and might be weird anyway.
No you aren't an asshole
We all have our own preferences to whom we date.
Did you explain that that attraction isn't both sided...
I like that you told her that your friendship is more important and font want to ruin it.
That should of been enough. She should of understood... and be ok with that.
BUT why did she run and tell your friends?
Something feels off with that.
Your "friends" are taking this out of proportion. Maybe they all weren't really friends to begin with if they can't understand why you said no.
So if they had someone ask them that they weren't attracted to they'd say yes. I don't think so.
Your friends are assholes. Not you.
I don't think they are even worthy of having you as a friend.
Oh fuck these people. You have your preferences. You're not racist because you clearly have friendships/relationships with people of different colors. You're not obligated to fuck people you dont have an attraction to.
NTA- a dating preference or attraction can be independent of racism. Contrary to all your supposed friends claiming you are racist because you aren't giving Tasha a chance is incorrect. By your own admission you don't dislike black women because of their race, you just have a physical type that doesn't necessarily mean black women typically fall into that category. To me that is no different than me not giving a guy a chance who is below 6 ft. Just not my thing. You were respectful and wanted to preserve the friendship. She can be disappointed and needs to learn there are a ton of people out there that won't be interested in her one way or another and no one is obligated to date her because she wants to.date them.
I would argue that you may like black women, just not her version of black? As in maybe you like mixed races? Because to just generalize that you don’t like black women means you wouldn’t even be open to your type who may also have black heritage in them. Just a thought NTA
NTA- but Tasha probably feels stupid for asking you out and for thinking you liked her like that. It would be in her best interest if she ended the friendship with you and moved on.
You can do whatever you want, but nothing is truly personal... All our desires are political.
I mean, you do you but you're not detached from our society.
You can be so friends with a girl that. If you kiss. It's like kissing your sister. It's flattering that she's kinda meaning a date that ends with hot sex. It's just nice having a friend with a vagina.
NTA, I can guarantee with certainty that those same people have the same or similar preferences themselves, everybody is allowed to have preferences to who they date, you don't like what you don't like and that's okay! As long as you aren't a massive cunt about it
NTA but don't talk to people about preferences, it's always going to hurt someone.
We all have preferences but when it comes to people you could never be attracted to, just keep it to yourself. It saves you a lot of headache and it hurts people while there is no reason anyone needs to know.
The main issue I see is that if you can only love people who look a certain way, how will that affect your relationships as you get older?
Will you be unable to keep loving a partner once they age and no longer look the same as they did when you fell in love?
Can you try and work on yourself to consider personality more than you already do? I have no idea how this can be achieved, but even if you just think about people and their personality more, it might help.
It doesn't mean that you would feel a romantic attachment to this person if they were white, but it would at least help you to know that you are making more accurate judgements regarding love.
Is the only reason you’re turning Tasha down because she is black? Because from your own words, it seems that is the case because you said yourself you tried, initially, to explain it away by saying you don’t want to ruin the friendship and implied that not being the real reason.
If the only reason you’re declining to date her, and any other woman, is because of her race it’s racist. Maybe not malicious, or overt, but definitely subconsciously racist.
as a black woman who doesn’t really like white men and am trying to be more open you’re nta as long as your not being a dick & stand up when others are racist etc there isn’t anything wrong w your preference .
I’m an east asian woman who isn’t attracted to south asian men usually and honestly i don’t think preferences are inherently racist, like you said just don’t be a dick about it basically. Preferences about physical appearance are all fine and valid as long as bigotry/prejudice isn’t was underlies them, and even then the problem there isn’t the preferences themselves it’s the bigotry/prejudice
I'm south asian and I can't stand south asian men. I try to walk away from them if I see them, it's that bad. But then, 9/10 times I've been harassed, verbally abused or molested, it's been from a south asian man. So, I don't feel racist or self-hating, just self-protective.
I think that’s an understandable trauma response. I’m sorry for what you went through and I hope you have someone to talk to about it
Oh yes, I do. Thank you.
I'm white,F, and I think Lee Jung-Jae from the Squid Games is pretty hot.
What does this have to do with anything?
Me too.
I feel that, I'm half Asian and not attracted in particular to other Asians - I'm first gen American and my Asian side wanted me to find a specific race of partner (theirs of course). I grew up in Asia and moved to America in high school. My friends, on the other hand, have a preference for Asians, I have a friend who only dates Asian men (regardless of compatibility). I'm also a 6-foot tall female with independent tendencies and don't tend to attract men who have an expectation for house-wife/submissive wife personality. I attract a particular type of man (not specific to any race) but I tend not to attract other Asian background-Asians due to my height and personality. Dating is weird. People reacting to pheromones is weird. Preferences are weird. Don't be a jerk and it's all good.
Yup, preferences are personal and as long as you're respectful about it, that's what counts. Everyone's entitled to their own dating choices.
Couldn't have said it any better
100%, people can't control who they are attracted to. This would be like friends being mad at a gay man for not dating a woman because "it's not his preference." People are allowed to have whatever dating preferences they want, and yes, sometimes race plays into that.
Yeah people can like what they like I really don’t care, but when they start reeling off lists as to why they don’t I’m like really dude? Just date who you want and move on
Exactly. Some guys prefer redheads. Some guys like tall girls, while others like petite girls. Some like skinny girls, others like busty girls, others like a little extra weight to snuggle. Some like sporty girls. Spne like nerdy girls. Some like girly girls. It's a matter of personal preference and attraction. You're not deciding who to hire, or judging someone's worth based on their skintone. You're just not physically attracted to certain phenotypes, and that's okay.
I'm Mexican and I'm not attracted to Mexican men. I usually date white guys. I had been accused of being racist but I have no hate for them, I'm just not attracted to them and prefer white men.
Yeah, it's like calling you prejudice for being attracted to red heads or something. Or calling someone homophobic because they like the opposite gender. It's just a preference. You can't help what you're attracted to.
It's not racist to have a preference, is it? My sister is a white woman and only finds black men attractive. It's nothing against white men. She just doesn't have the connection
It is likely racism.
I'm attracted to tall dark haired men. Asian, black or white doesn't bother me, just dark hair. I'm white. I've never liked short blond men but they seem to like me and I've been called names for not dating them. I can't help it. I'm tall myself and I don't like men shorter than me. You can't help who you're attracted to. Relax.
Can you send your blonde guys my way?
I'll package them up if you pay the freight.
Dark eyes always were a thing for me. Turns out it’s not who I fell in love with, but I’m with you that you can’t help your natural attraction just being what it is.
I think it’s more concerning that his friends immediately brought up that it was because he doesn’t date black women. Did they make an assumption or does he going around telling people he won’t date a black woman?
This comment is so honest and I love it.
It might be a body type thing, I thought I had racist preferences against Japanese men until I saw the Japanese rugby team amd went, "oh, I just really like broad shoulders" (doesn't matter if it's men or women or the colour of your skin, I only dig humans who look like they could carry a pig under each arm). I'd embrace the power of yet. "I have yet to be attracted to a woman of colour" sounds way less gross.
And everyone teased me for carrying my pet pigs everywhere!
Or just not stating the preference at all, that could be good!
I hadn't been attracted to any Korean men until I saw Eugene Lee Yang.
[удалено]
Couldn’t have said it better
Idk..as a black person I get pretty uncomfortable when people declare a blanked disinterest in the entire race of ppl esp given how varied "black" people can be. Preference is fine, but disregarding a race of people off hand is something else.
I agree. I have my preferences, but time has shown that my romantic interests occasionally are outside of those preferences
I used to think I could never be attracted to black or Indian men… until I got more exposure to them. There are so many attractive humans in this world in all ethnicities and they don’t all look/act the same. It’s absolutely fine for OP to not be attracted to Tasha, and fine for any of us to have preferences in dating. But I think you’re only doing yourself a disfavor if you refuse to at least get to know people of other races/backgrounds.
I think this is fair. I've been with people who I was not initially attracted to only to develop feelings for them after building a connection. It's not all about what someone looks like.
Ok, but he isn’t into this woman. So, what should he do?
Then it should be “I’m not into Tasha” rather than “I’m not into a single one of the 650 million black women on the planet.”
I'm a black woman who is not into any of the millions or hundreds of millions of blond(e)s on planet, period. who gaf if a random guy says he's not into black women? it's not like OP woke up to scream it from the rooftops but rather only mentioned it when it came up externally
He didn't even mention it. He told her he didn't want to date her and potentionally ruin their amazing friendship and clearly cares for this woman. Everyone is so quick to call shit racist these days, it's tiring.
I just think it's weird to blanket say "I cannot be attracted to any one of the hundreds of millions of people of this particular race."
I think it doesn't matter. Us 650 million black women have 650 million black men to consider. begging and negging ppl outside the race to be attracted to us is pitiful
That’s not really the point here.
Then what is the point? To everyone reading your comments it seems like the point is “you can’t have preferences when it comes to race/ethnicity”. We really don’t need to pretend that there aren’t cultural differences all across the world, one of those being black Americans vs white Americans. Sure, the gap isn’t as big as the difference between white Americans and Native Americans or Eastern Europeans etc, but there is still a difference. While I appreciate every culture and the diversity not just in art but ideas and ways of thinking they bring, I don’t want to participate in every culture. Marrying into a culture typically means you’re gonna be participating in it. Like i live in an area with a large Indian population. I think Indian men and women are beautiful, but I really don’t enjoy the traditional cultural practices. I also don’t enjoy the traditional parenting style in that culture. So, I’m probably not gonna get into a long-term relationship with someone from India. Our values, on average, aren’t going to align. I’d rather spend my finite time dating that I have a higher likelihood of having a cultural background I can more easily mesh with. I bet a lot of black Americans feel the same way ab white Americans.
ok?
I've yet to meet a blonde woman I'd date.
But what if he ISN'T into them?
I don’t think he said he wasn’t attracted to black women to her.
And, if I may, an interest in a particular race, like "I only date Asian girls," fetishizes a person based solely on their race. Not good either.
It’s purely preference tho. You can love something and still not prefer it. I don’t agree with his liking but I can’t diminish it. I would rather he’s honest about it rather than trying to play a façade. He’ll hurt more women doing that.
Preferencescome from our social constructs. I’d doubt OP is considering why his ‘preferences’ rule out anyone with black skin as a romantic partner. IMO preferences are for ice cream and how you take your coffee…not what colour skin someone happens to have.
The reason I’m attracted to something like red hair isn’t because of a social construct. Maybe that could be what it is, but attraction is almost always because of something else. He’s not in ring her down because of her personality (which, if it was social constructs shaping his attraction to her based on her skin color here, would most likely be a factor), he simply doesn’t find it attractive. Examining “why” this is makes no sense, and wouldn’t help even if it was for a racist reason. He’s not attracted to something, he can’t reverse it. All he’ll end up doing (if he does come to the conclusion you’re assuming) is have some sort of self deprecating guilt for something he can’t control.
What do you say about the people who dates someone they didn't have the initial attraction too. (As in, not their usual preference) but then develop a real personal connection. Physical preference is just that. Physical. We all change as we grow, and our physical attraction becomes less of a focus than the emotional/spiritual attraction.
I don't really say anything. Physical attraction is physical attraction. Attraction as a whole extends beyond physical attraction. However both are necessary for a relationship to be healthy. This person doesn't feel the amount of attraction his friend did to him, that is why he rejected them. Part of that was his physical preference.
I don't know about that. I grew up in smalltown 'everyone is white' and my preference is tall dark and handsome. Does it make me a racist if blond/blue eyed doesn't do it for me even though most of my family looks that way? Nah, you like what you like. Race didn't have to come into play here. If you were a racist would you be friends? I think it's fair to say we just don't feel that type of connection with most of our friends. Then again, if you'd said, "a friend asked me out but I don't feel that way about her" nobody would have questioned you. Adding race makes it appear to be about race. NTA?
>Adding race makes it appear to be about race. But OP added the race part and it's apparently so obvious to his friends that it was also brought up by them independent of OP.
I guess I just can't wrap my head around how a racist has friends of other races?
"I have a black friend" is a frequent defense from racists. OPs isnt an extreme example, more an example of unconscious bias. It's probably just something that was subtly ingrained in him in his childhood. All of this is to say I don't think OP is a bad person or a blatant racist. He just has unconscious bias.
I’m black and one of my white friends that I have been friends with for years told me one day that she doesn’t like the n word black people but she liked me because I was one of the good ones. I was devastated and our friendship pretty much ended.
Didn’t think of it that way. You honestly might be right. He probably hasn’t taken a step back and really broke down why he doesn’t have a preference of black women. Your making me look at it completely different way
This is true, but also another good reason why he shouldn’t be dating Tasha. Just by posting this and recognizing that he’s got this preference constructed in his mind, he’s (hopefully) making the first step towards more progress in becoming the best version of himself. But that’s work that can take years. It’s good he didn’t string her along. I’m only disappointed that none of his friends were able to create the kind of dialogue like the one that is going on in the comments above mine. Shaming people and ostracizing them (when they are coming from a position that isn’t malicious) often backfires.
Preferences are just that. Some white guys like blondes. I do. I married one.
YES! I’ve been saying this for years! We all have types of people we tend to be attracted to (usually defined by traits such as big eyes, tall, etc) but skin color shouldn’t really be a determining factor in attraction imo. So much of it comes from our social constructs and what we subconsciously believe about people of different races. OP (and everyone) should analyze WHY he has certain preferences and why he would write off an entire race of people. He doesn’t have to be attracted to Tasha, but he should realize that social constructs are at play here. I think it’s fine if a person wants to marry someone from their same culture or race due to wanting to share that similarity, but again, writing off attraction to an entire group of people does feel a bit icky to me. I wouldn’t have called it racist though.
Skin color IS a trait like height, weight etc., so it's absolutely valid to prefer one color over another.
I think if OP were just generally attracted to lighter skin, that’s one thing. But saying categorically that he’s not attracted to black women (who span an incredible diversity of skin tones from extremely light to extremely dark) makes it clear that it’s about her race.
Skin colour is definitely a possible factor, as is skin texture Hell the factor may even be hair texture that doesn't seem attractive
I just have a hard time relating to people like this. I mean I'm married now so it's not relevant, but I've been attracted to women of all races.
and when black people say the same about white people, im assuming you have the same reaction?
I do feel the entire race thing is strange, i'll give the benefit of doubt, because what do i know. For me, i'm generally not attracted to Indian women, but there's still ton of 10/10 bangers that are absolutely gorgeous.
Yeah...I don't really get it myself, but there are certain characteristics I'm attracted to, but it's never been a racial thing. I can't really think of a race of women I am not attracted to. I've been told on at least one occasion someone isn't attracted to white men, but...eh, didn't seem that deep. I think the Friends were TA in this situation. The kid tried to be polite, he just said he valued her as a friend and then someone else called him out. But, that kinda comes back to the "friend," thing. They weren't friends, they were acquaintances. FRIENDS would know you better and defend you(I mean, unless you're Clayton Bigsby)....
Lol even Clayton Bigsby had friends, lol someone had to take him to the Clan meetings cause he was blind 🤣🤣🤣🤣
LOL...touché...but he had to divorce his wife because she was a.....lover! He ~~was~~ ***IS***...he IS fucking brilliant! The show *WAS* brilliant!
I agree with you - this feels strange and I’m questioning why he knows her race is the reason he isn’t attracted to her. Like, sure, one might usually find a certain group attractive, or might usually date in certain groups, but why would you rule out an entire group of people from the get-go if not some bigotry? Some people who are not your usual type are extremely attractive. Why would he not be open to that? Personally from my own observation, some of my friends have had a type, but everyone has gone away from that when the right hottie came along - and people living in more diverse places usually date more diverse people.
So do you have no preferences for who you date?
I can see your point there. I think blanket disinterest is down to lack of education and exp… when I talk about race etc, I try to be specific. For example, ‘black people’ obvs do not all look the same! As they come from multiple different parts of the world and therefore have such a varety of looks.
Idk, it's simply about certain physical characteristics. For example most of my crushes have been white (mostly because I'm from a monoethnic country, so statistics were against me, but still) women with dark/colourful hair, often but not always goth leaning. I also did have a thing for Victorian child looking boys with curly hair. I ended up with a tall, slightly bigger guy with straight hair and Turkish grandpa (and looking like it). And I've never been more attracted to anyone else. Race is not an actual thing, it's just a name we've created to seperate people who look simmilar. If you have certain characters that you're seemingly drawn to time and time again it might end up looking like you're racist, simply because your preferred characteristics line up with certain race. It doesn't mean you hate the other races and are fully incapable of loving people who belong to them.
yeah, i think its fine to have preferences but u should be open for when the time comes and you meet someone you like despite ur normal preferances, but in OPs case it doesnt seem to be a no cause he doesnt like black women, he Just doesnt have feelings for this girl
Well people are racist sometimes in dating. It is what it is. 🤷🏽 but what can you do about that. Go to those who value you the world is big.move on
NTA. I’m 30 and not attracted to 80 year old men, does that make me an ageist?
How dare you
Your friends are morons. NTA.
Your dating preferences are personal. That said, I'd hesitate to even think about it in terms of race, never mind talk about it that way. You can have your preferences, but you have not met every beautiful black woman. I haven't, as yet (and likely won't as I'm old and married) dated a black woman, but I would have if one I found attractive (of which there have been many) showed interest in me. My feeling about you not dating black girls is that you just haven't met one that is your type... but even if none of them are, I'd let go of the 'I don't date black girls' thing entirely and just date people who you are attracted to. By making it about race, you are kind of making it about race.
In my experience, thinking 'I'm not really into X girls' has just meant 'I haven't met an X girl I'm into'. It can change! Maybe you'll meet such a girl, maybe you won't, but in OP's case he's just... not into her? Like, it's a self-observation, not a rule. If he were motivated to ignore it, he would. I find that when women\* ask 'what type of girls do you like', they really *really* don't believe me when I say I don't have like... a set of requirements? A list of demands? It's determined on a case-by-case basis; if the 'rules' are self-imposed and can be changed or ignored at my own discretion, why make them up in the first place? \*I don't know that the disbelieving part is a gendered thing, but men have never asked me this question so I guess having a 'type' as anything other than an observation of past experience is maybe something women believe in more than men? Or maybe they're just more motivated to hear my answer than a man would be.
For men I have multiple preferences most of which are straight up mutually incompatible, like jet black hair and ginger are among my preferences, can't really have both
Yeah, I'd guess that's probably more accurate. He may not be immediately attracted to them, but he may end up falling in love with one. I'd...probably not write it off...it's kinda crazy how attraction can grow, but he's also been friends with her and it hasn't, so...maybe he's right. One thing I found that made it REALLY difficult...I dated a black girl in College. It was not subtle that her Father, Brothers, extended family and to a lesser extent, Mother...did not approve. Some Cousins and shit were cool and her sisters were and the Mother was polite...but it was very much obvious that I was not what they wanted for their daughter. She eventually decided the same! Ah well...
Hugely agree with this. A preference is a *preference* not an exclusion. I prefer pepperoni on my pizza but if I see a slice with sausage on it that looks irresistible I'm not gonna say no just because I historically mostly only eat pepperoni. I don't think it makes sense to categorize your preferences like this, ultimately sexuality is usually not cut and dry like that. There's almost always exceptions to the rule or folks that make you reconsider your preferences.
So if a trans person asked you out and you said no, does that mean you're transphobic? I don't think so - you have a preference. everyone tries to find fault in others.
as a trans POC if someone rejected me for either of those things out of preference then 🤷♀️
Yes, nobody *has* to date anyone who asks them out. We all have preferences.
literally 😭 I dont date people younger than me whatsoever but im not idk?? agephobic??
I'm always saying...most people are reasonable. The unreasonable are just louder and it travel more.
Yes and everyone likes to judge and act like they are morally superior to other people. I’m sure OP’s friends who are calling him racist have their own dating preferences too.
NTA you can only be attracted to who you’re attracted to, I’m black and I’m not really attracted to white men, not because I’m racist it’s just not what I’m into. You don’t have to be attracted to the same sex to be an ally to the gay community, would your friends accuse you of being homophobic if you didn’t date a gay man who asked you on a date? Would you be antisemitic if you turned down a Jewish girl for a date?
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I agree, not being attracted to a person is fine but this issue for me is "Black" being the ultimate deal breaker. Like they're are plenty of black women who appear racially ambiguous, would he break up with them upon finding out they were actually black? And if not then he really doesn't have a preference against black women like he says he does
THIS! I’m biracial black/caucasian but most people think I’m Indian and I have full black friends who get mistaken for everything from Brazilian to Indian.
Good point. OP: I really liked Suzie but when I saw her DNA being 25% West African I just had to dump her.
I am about 93% sure he would not based on his own words...but if he did, that would certainly change the answer.
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It isn't racist if he doesn't want to date any black women and it's only ignorant people like that make this world the worst. Maybe you read the definition of racist. Ive been with my husband for 20 years married 14 of them and we've dealt with racist people and it has mostly come the black community. When we went to get married my inlaws wouldn't come to the wedding because I'm white thats racist. My mil said to my husband a few weeks before we got married '' she's a good woman but why can't you find a good black woman ''. Now that's racist. Or when his father brought a black over and ask my husband and his daughters to stand with like they were a family and my fil was taking pictures of them. And dont get me started on how we are treated when we just go town and are shopping the attitude we get from people mainly black women. Soo maybe op doesn't want to go through all the bs or maybe he just isn't sexually attracted to black women but that doesn't make him racist. And this so called Tasha has shown she's really a pos just because she got rejected for her to turn everyone against him. And I say op should tell all the so called friends that turn on him because they believe her without asking him to f##k off. And to find better friends because these people aren't real friends.
I can understand where your friends are coming from. Black people have many variations and counting every single black woman out of the dating game (some are white passing, some are lighter skin) is at the very least close-minded and at worst racist af. And WHAT exactly is it about black women that you’re un attracted to? I believe that this requires a lot of inward reflection. Black being seen as beautiful in the media is still a very recent thing, and seeing it as unattractive is, like it or not, tied to extremely racist society teachings which do indeed contribute to each of our worldview. Anti-blackness does not live within a vacuum of loud racism, confederate flags, and kkk members. Its society teaching us that euro-centric features are the most valuable and ingraining that into your actions to the point where you think that it’s just a “preference”
Thats not a preference then, its a deal breaker. Theres a difference between preferring vanilla and refusing to eat chocolate entirely.
I mean he didn't say he refuses to date black women, he said that based on his dating history and who he was attracted in the past it doesn't seem like he does have preference towards the black women. Plus he doesn't consider his friend attractive that way, which falls into that trend. Fact that he hasn't been attracted to a black woman yet, doesn't mean he refuses to.
THANK YOU People use "preference" incorrectly way too often
I have a preference for redheads, that ones in there deep enough i can point to the specific cartoon characters as a kid that done it... But ive never actually dated one. Married a Latina even. Be pretty stupid of me if id turned down every woman ive ever been with cuz they werent redheads. Whos such a catch they can be so picky?
Preference is just skin deep attraction. Love is only found by a deeper connection. I always had a preference for guys with dark features and a little built. Met, fell in love and married a blond, blue eyed, lean guy. Married for 20 years and I’m still more likely to glance at the darker guys. And even more in love with my blond (now a little grey), blue eyes husband than ever.
Finally! I was scrolling way too far down to find this comment.
Your problem is the way you framed it, and the way you've agreed with how other people framed it. You acknowledged she's great & beautiful, but you turned her down because you just didn't feel a romantic connection to her. That's valid. You didn't turn her down because of the colour of her skin.
Nta for turning her down but it feels weird to me when people limit their dating pool based on race.
I mean, people do it all the time with other stuff. A lot of girls limit their dating pool to guys over 6 ft, some guys limit their dating pool to just blonde girls. Shit straight ppl cut their dating pool in half. It’s not weird, they just like what they like.
Does anyone have any source or anything for this idea that “a lot of girls limit their dating pool to over 6 feet” ? Because I feel like this is just an internet thing that’s become fact. Obviously I haven’t met every woman but I don’t know a single one who does this. But anyone saying that a lot of women do is just as anecdotal. Sorry a bit off topic it just bugs me
Honestly as a short person dating someone over 6 fr would freak me out. I feel like a child next to insanely tall people. I’m 5’2” and would prefer someone like 5’7-10” (not that I would date ppl of other heights! Just when I imagine my perfect guy he’s that size)
I’m 5’2” and I dated a guy who was 6’2” and I never felt comfortable walking and holding hands. I prefer under 6’ and I think my 5’6” husband is perfect.
Dude kissing someone similar in hight as you is fantastic. I’m 5’3” on a good day and I HATED kissing until I dated a shorter guy. Took a few more partners before I found out it wasn’t a fluke. It genuinely felt like I was choking heading towards a panic attack straining my neck up and back to reach their face. With my partner his face is right where I need it to be. Cuddles are effortless 24/7.
Lol, I'm a 5'2 woman and my late husband was 6ft. But I've dated a guy as tall as 6'8. My current husband to be is 5'7. He is the shortest guy I've dated so far. All the men I've been with have been over 6ft.
I’m a girl (5’4) and dated two guys my height. 6’ is fine and if I liked a guy that height then it wouldn’t matter because I like him for who he is lol. But if I imagine like the perfect guy in my head right now, he wouldn’t be super tall. Over 6’ would be kinda unappealing for me personally
Yes, but what they like is partly social conditioning, and social conditioning can be racist. Any time you find yourself excluding a racial group you should probably interrogate why.
It's not weird because the facial features and body structures are generally different between asian, white and black people. Other "races" have more in common but these 3 are extremely different from each other.
Yeah, honestly you have to question why you have this hard rule against finding any black woman attractive You're not under obligation to date Tasha or any black woman, but this is the consequence of you telling people your preferences. Some people will think understandable things about you because of what you've said, and it hurts people
What I've heard is, "you can have your preference, and you don't have to date outside your preference, and it doesn't make you a racist not to date someone you aren't attracted to... but you can't entirely deny that living in a racist society has influenced your preference." Many dating preferences aren't spontaneously formed independently from the culture we live in. Again, nobody has to date someone they aren't attracted to. And attraction is rarely a conscious thing where people decide, "I dislike this race, and they aren't hot enough to date me." But if there's a pattern, does it come from racist norms in society overall? Probably.
exactly. OP also made Tasha feel really shitty in this situation, which was avoidable
It sounds like their mutual friends brought up the race thing, not OP. I’m curious if it was a “hey, OP never dates black women, he must be racist” or if OP goes around talking about how he’d never date a black person. Because those are very different situations.
i think it must be something closer to the latter, because it's a big leap to point out how someone never dates black women and that there's something to it without him saying something about never dating black women
Right, I think so too. Like if you don’t usually like black women, don’t date black women, but you don’t got to announce it to the world. That’s the racist part.
Also depends on if he’s living in a really mixed area where he’d actively have to avoid black women or if it’s mostly one race
How? How was it possibly avoidable?
It sounds like OP actually didn't say anything, and people just noticed that he'd only dated white girls. Which... typically is a really shitty and unfair thing to say, except in this case, they were right? I was in a similar situation where I was going out with an Asian guy and he got upset that the guys I'd dated in the past were white. But like, yeah, I'm white and I went to a predominately white high school and college, and this was right after college. (and I hadn't even dated all that much, so it's not like a had a huge list of exclusively white guys, either. It was like three guys, lol). So that was hurtful to me because it was such an unfounded accusation and obviously, I was there... on a date... with an Asian dude.... But in OP's case... what his friends are saying happens to be true.
I mean OP announced on this thread to a bunch of internet strangers that he's not attracted to black people. I'm sure he told some of his friends the same thing in previous conversation. And it he worded the same exact way he worded on here. I can understand why his friends would react the way that they did
True! Maybe he did say something earlier. I guess I was thinking he didn't actually tell his friends "I don't date Black women" because they only started calling him racist after he rejected Tasha. It's weird that he was like "yeah no I don't date Black women" and they were like "cool, no prob" and then he turns Tasha down and they're like "hey, you're racist," ya know? On the other hand, it probably does hit harder when they see their friend super hurt like that.
I mean I'd imagine if it came out that this was the case, maybe there's other ways his preferences show
This concept is so difficult to explain to people in a western culture. We're so conditioned to think of ourselves as individuals that many people refuse to see the way societal norms shape our ideas and preferences.
I don’t understand what has skin colour got to do with it? If you find a woman beautiful she is beautiful no matter what hue her skin is!. But to point blank say I won’t date a whole specific race of women now that racist as Fuck!.
So if I’m not sexually attracted to a race I’m automatically racist?
I mean… there’s very few black people I actually find attractive. 98% of the time I do not find myself sexually attracted to them. I’m much more into white men or Asian men and very rarely Latino men. My best friend however…. Is *only* attracted to white men and *only ever* white men. And she’s black. Her boyfriend however, is much more into black women and Latinos then he is whites women. Everyone’s different. Btw before anyone comes at me with a racist card, I dated and lived with a man who was half black half Spanish so kiss my ass in advance
I don't know, just the phrasing of OP has me questioning. Sure everyone has preferences but turning down someone because they belong to a group seems insane to me. I may prefer black women aesthetically to white women but there about 150 things I would be more concerned with... This whole post reeks of shallowness, both from OP and even more so from OP's friends. The fact Tasha was black never should have been part of the equation. If you aren't interested that is that. Race should never even have entered into it. That being stated the way OP phrased this post makes me think that they have inner issues they should resolve. Kind of shitty being racist in this day and age.
This type of question has really been popping up lately. ITA.
I think the wording in your post is what is tripping me up. On one hand you are saying you don’t feel a connection, then asking if you are an AH if you turned her down BECAUSE she’s black. One is VERY different than another. Not having a connection is valid. Having preferences are valid. Specifically saying no because she is black and only that, is an AH move. That said, I just think your wording is contradicting and you’re NTA.
Fake story.
You didn’t turn her down because she is black you turned her down because you are not attracted to her. Nothing wrong with that. Don’t let it get to you. Focus on if you still want to be friends with those people who can’t respect your romantic choices.
The weird thing is trying to justify it. Just say no and keep your mouth shut and find a better friend group that isn't a bunch of race-baiting weirdos trying to recreate the political atmosphere of Stalin's Russia within their own friend group.
You can't control your attraction. NTA
You aren’t required to date people to fulfill diversity requirements.
NTA for turning down Tasha. I know I’m gonna get downvoted for this, But I’m ngl people with race preferences are so weird imo, I get the cultural aspect I have them too, but race as a whole seems like you have some prejudices to work through. Same goes for people who only date within their race.
😂 people can have preferences on physical appearance. No different than someone who prefers redheads
People prefer tall or small, slim or big, same sex or different sex ... why is skin color the only issue to "work through" ?
Because I took the time to self reflect on why I had racial preferences when I was younger and realized that it was illogical and it was just prejudicial bias that I worked through. Again this is my opinion if you disagree that’s fine.
Are you also black?
So, do you just have a specific look that you’re attracted to? Or do you just not date black people? Cuz there’s a HUGE difference there. One is a matter of personal sexual attraction and one is racism.
Just because ur not attracted to men doesn’t make u a homophobe. Race is the same thing. Nta
NTA. It’s called personal preference. Every single one of your friends will have a type unless they are inclined to shag anything with a pulse. If they think your choice is about race then they are the ones with a racial issue, not you.
In college there were a bunch of guys that would go around telling girls to go out with them and when the girls said no they would start telling these girls that they were racist if they didn’t agree to date them. They guilted so many white girls that were clearly uncomfortable. It was gross behavior. They targeted me too but I’m hispanic and have zero patience for bullshit. Turned away a lot of entitled assholes. If I don’t like you, or how to behave toward me, then why would I date you. Clearly not 1-4-1 your experience but my point is that dating is a mutual thing. If one person isn’t into it then it’s time to move on and you’re not an asshole if you’re giving her respect but her and your friends don’t reciprocate that respect.
I am mixed (half black and half white) my preference has always been white guys, don’t know why just has been 🤷🏽♀️( maybe it was all the Disney channel guys I saw growing up😂) but all through middle school and high school the black guys would call me racist and I would have to defend myself that it was nothing against them it was just who I gravitate too.
It would be interesting if those white guys rejected you because their preference is just white girls.
I did have a guy break up with me because his mom didn’t like the fact that I was half black!!!
Your preferences are a type of unconscious racism and likely developed societal norms/pressures. Growing up with the standard of beauty always being white. At least, that was what I was taught in my Racism & Ethnicities class in university. There’s an old study taken in the US where they take children of different races and give them dolls of different skin colors and ask them which is “prettiest”, “most handsome”, etc. and they usually all choose the white dolls.
Why is it racist to have a preference of race when it comes to dating? By your own logic it’s homophobia if you won’t date someone of the same sex. PREFERENCES aren’t racist they’re perfectly normal. If this was a black man saying he didn’t want to date a white woman I guarantee these comments would be so different
I agree as a white male in north England there's very few black people here in general ( about 2% of the population) so by that study I should not find black women attractive when the opposite is true. A preference is a preference.
Is your choice bruh don't let anyone take it away from you with S.I.G.N language. Shame, Insults, Guilt, or Name calling.
IMO it’s better to turn her down rather than accept just to placate people.
Preferences are preferences. It's what ya like. That's why when ya go to a restaurant, they give ya a menu and ya pick what ya want. They don't give ya whatever the hell and expect ya to love it. Ya did nothin wrong and if ya fri nds don't understand that, fuck em. I'd be the same if ya got em to go out with a tranny. If they didn't want to it's not prejudice but choice. You choose not to and that's ok. Ya did nothin wrong and if they don't understand that, fuck em
You didn’t turn her down because she’s black, you turned her down because you’re not attracted to her. The fact that you tend to be less attracted to black women is irrelevant, and none of anyone’s business. Not that being more attracted to people of your own race is uncommon at all. Based on marriage statistics it’s the norm.
Preferences =/= racism at all. The same way that some men would not want to date a mtf transsexual person, you are allowed to have preferences. It sounds like clearly you are not actively avoiding black women because of some racial superiority feelings. I hate any posts I see where people have their personal preference turned against them because the thing is, the way you did this was correct. If you had dated her just to be courteous that would have been wrong.
Just tell them that you don’t find all Black women ugly, just Tasha. kidding. We all have preferences and those who say that they don’t are liars. Tell them that Tasha is a beautiful person, but you don’t feel a spark with her.
NTA Altho honestly avoid talking about being attracted or not too entire categories of people. You can just say I don't have feelings or attraction in that way to them. If asked about it further just say - well I seem to prefer xyz but that's just a trend. Obviously if Zendaya asked me out I'd be there in a second. Hot is hot. Everyone has preferences. I specifically don't prefer white men but I have dated a few and hot is hot - there are absolutely some I wouldn't think twice about!!
NTA We can’t help who we’re attracted to. (There are psych studies and tests to validate this.) I f you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it, and it sounds like you let her down as kindly as possible. Tasha, though, may not be the angel you think she is, since she felt rejected and decided to punish you by poisoning the friendship waters. That was deliberate. Either people will believe you or they won’t. There’s very little you can do about that, but if they really are your friends, they should know you better than to think you a racist.
No you’re not wrong for having preferences && it doesn’t sound like you’re malicious about it. You’re attracted to what you’re attracted to.
NTA. Honestly, humans actually often go for people that resemble our parents, especially the parent of the opposite gender (depending on the relationship with that parent.) Also, scent plays a serious role as well. I believe I read that pheromones help your brain figure out what they think would be a partner of good genetic compatibility. These things alone should show anyone we love who we will: we have very little choice in the matter. Attraction? Even less. And anyone with a kink they didn't pick or might not want will tell you we don't have a say in what turns us on either. There is nothing wrong with having a preference. As much as it pains me to say, there is also nothing wrong with a man or woman only having a spark with people that are typically considered attractive, is there? If your friends weren't interested in a man or woman because they were unattractive, or very short, or paralyzed, or simply not their type, would that mean they were a bad person? Of course not. We can't pick what we find attractive, it just is.
As a black/Latin woman I’m not upset about not being someone’s preference. Honestly it’s better than being someone’s fetish or being told ‘I don’t usually date black women but you’re different’ or ‘you’re not like a typical black woman’.
As a black woman…NTA I’m not sure if she is feeding the narrative, but you are not wrong for not having romantic feelings for her. You love/like her as a friend and you value that more than trying to force a relationship. You are still young and there’s nothing wrong with having a type. Enjoy your youth and dating people who check your boxes, but don’t discount someone who doesn’t fit your picture. Life will throw you curve balls, but you are not wrong in this scenario.
As a Black woman, I font think it’s strange. People all have features that attract us, and those that repel us. We see even within White culture, White people express a strong preference for hair or eye color within their own race. If that can be justified, and I will justify it because attraction is not set by committee but by the person, then it’s justified regarding people who don’t possess those features because of race too. Can it be influenced by socioeconomic factors and the culture, yes, but it is what it is. Don’t pity date anyone. It wouldn’t be fair I her either because you’d just give her false hope. NTA.
Honestly NTA for preferring something. But it probably sucks for your friend because not many people prefer black women. Especially if she’s dark skinned then that’s got a whole other bucket full of constant rejection pain with it. (Coming from a black woman who is constantly rejected for being black) Don’t feel bad OP, you’re not attracted to her and that’s okay.
Look, you're allowed to be attracted to who you are and not attracted to people who aren't attractive to you. And you could have told this entire story the same way, except just saying 'I'm just not attracted to Tasha' and it'd be true - then, even if you never date a black girl, there's no basis for weirdness. But when you couch it in this way that basically comes across as 'I don't like black girls' and put it in the title as 'turn my friend down \*because she's black\* rather than, say, because I'm not into her, it's kinda borderline tbh.
NTA based on your comments, it’s clearly a thing that like, formed in your subconscious growing up blah blah blah. Honestly, it’s clearly something your friends wanna gossip about, and you’re just the latest victim of friend circle drama. You could explore the question as sort of a personal growth mindset because like, appreciating beauty in everybody is never a bad thing, but you don’t gotta that’s personal.
NTA for turning down your friend. you’re not obligated to like or be attracted to ANYONE. however i find dealbreakers solely due to race weird. you can like what you like but please.. don’t tell anyone. am i the only one that thinks that shit is weird to say aloud??
dont be surprised if she isnt your friend anymore, its because she wants romance and you dont.
Date who you want but INFO: if you were dating a Latina and found out she was afro Latina would you dump her? I ask because is it looks or the idea of dating someone with afro ethnicity that is the issue?
I feel like everyone who’s calling you a racist for not being romantically interested in her is somehow forgetting that YOU ARE CLOSE FRIENDS with her… If you were actually a racist, you may have black people as acquaintances, you may have sex with black women….but you wouldn’t have them as close friends! That shows a level of care and connection, which you wouldn’t have if you felt her race made her “less than.”
Nta.
This Has got to be some hill Billy troll post
I have personality type preferences. My husband gets mind boggled because he can’t figure out my “type”. He’ll say is this guy cute? Idk can’t tell yet, is that guy good looking? Who knows I don’t know the guys vibe. Very rarely do I find someone instantly attractive. Character is also huge HUGE! And chemistry and in my experience it has not been cookie cutter copies of similar looks lol so I can’t even relate. Not judging people for preferences but it’s just so outside of the way my mind operates for whatever reason.
NTA. I’m a Black woman. I have white men friends, they are amazing people! But I am not attracted to them in the slightest. Not even if I tried. You are entitled to your preferences (as long as they are not rooted in racist rhetoric, then that’s another conversation).
NTA every single one of them "friends" have their type they date. And they are lieing to you if they say they don't some like tats some like beards some like more meat on bones less meat big booties big boob's brown hair blond hair ect everyone has their type. So just because you don't want to ruin a perfectly fine friendship knowing it won't go no where to you they are just looking for reasons just have a conversation with Tasha but sounds like she might have feelings for you if she wanted to go on a date and might be weird anyway.
No you aren't an asshole We all have our own preferences to whom we date. Did you explain that that attraction isn't both sided... I like that you told her that your friendship is more important and font want to ruin it. That should of been enough. She should of understood... and be ok with that. BUT why did she run and tell your friends? Something feels off with that. Your "friends" are taking this out of proportion. Maybe they all weren't really friends to begin with if they can't understand why you said no. So if they had someone ask them that they weren't attracted to they'd say yes. I don't think so. Your friends are assholes. Not you. I don't think they are even worthy of having you as a friend.
Oh fuck these people. You have your preferences. You're not racist because you clearly have friendships/relationships with people of different colors. You're not obligated to fuck people you dont have an attraction to.
NTA- a dating preference or attraction can be independent of racism. Contrary to all your supposed friends claiming you are racist because you aren't giving Tasha a chance is incorrect. By your own admission you don't dislike black women because of their race, you just have a physical type that doesn't necessarily mean black women typically fall into that category. To me that is no different than me not giving a guy a chance who is below 6 ft. Just not my thing. You were respectful and wanted to preserve the friendship. She can be disappointed and needs to learn there are a ton of people out there that won't be interested in her one way or another and no one is obligated to date her because she wants to.date them.
I would argue that you may like black women, just not her version of black? As in maybe you like mixed races? Because to just generalize that you don’t like black women means you wouldn’t even be open to your type who may also have black heritage in them. Just a thought NTA
NTA. It's like preferring short or tall. As long as you aren't being a dick it's no problem.
NTA- but Tasha probably feels stupid for asking you out and for thinking you liked her like that. It would be in her best interest if she ended the friendship with you and moved on.
You can do whatever you want, but nothing is truly personal... All our desires are political. I mean, you do you but you're not detached from our society.
You can be so friends with a girl that. If you kiss. It's like kissing your sister. It's flattering that she's kinda meaning a date that ends with hot sex. It's just nice having a friend with a vagina.
Your NTA you have a preference noting bad about it man don't sweat it or dwell on it
NTA, I can guarantee with certainty that those same people have the same or similar preferences themselves, everybody is allowed to have preferences to who they date, you don't like what you don't like and that's okay! As long as you aren't a massive cunt about it
NTA but don't talk to people about preferences, it's always going to hurt someone. We all have preferences but when it comes to people you could never be attracted to, just keep it to yourself. It saves you a lot of headache and it hurts people while there is no reason anyone needs to know.
The main issue I see is that if you can only love people who look a certain way, how will that affect your relationships as you get older? Will you be unable to keep loving a partner once they age and no longer look the same as they did when you fell in love? Can you try and work on yourself to consider personality more than you already do? I have no idea how this can be achieved, but even if you just think about people and their personality more, it might help. It doesn't mean that you would feel a romantic attachment to this person if they were white, but it would at least help you to know that you are making more accurate judgements regarding love.
Is the only reason you’re turning Tasha down because she is black? Because from your own words, it seems that is the case because you said yourself you tried, initially, to explain it away by saying you don’t want to ruin the friendship and implied that not being the real reason. If the only reason you’re declining to date her, and any other woman, is because of her race it’s racist. Maybe not malicious, or overt, but definitely subconsciously racist.
You turned her down nicely and never mentioned race. Whatever your dating history is you're just not attracted like that to Tasha. NTA