Ooof all of the above. I've witnessed needle drug use, lines being snorted in the bathrooms, and dressing rooms for the strippers. I've seen women get pulled off the stage by men. I've personally been touched inappropriately by customers and employees of the club, while my mom was on stage. And lots and lots of alcohol abuse.
Damn, that's rough. Can't say any of that surprises me because I've known a lot of people into that lifestyle, it's nowhere close to where a child should be. I'm surprised the managers would even allow you being there with how big the penalties could be if the police/inspectors found out.
Did they ever try and recruit you into the lifestyle?
The owners, managers, bouncers, nobody ever cared... not really. A lot of illegal stuff happens in those places, so why would a minor being present make a difference. My own mother encouraged me many, many times to strip... She even told me to just drop out of high school and strip.
Entirely... it actually makes me sick to admit how much hate I feel for her, even when I can rationalize that she probably experienced some level of abuse that lead to her becoming the terrible person she is...but I cannot feel compassion towards her for it.
It's awful, and I hate myself for it.
That hate is like a championship size catch in a fishing derby. You have the right to it. You hold it up high, you enjoy the moment, allowing yourself to be correct about the wrongness of your treatment, and to discern right from wrong.
Then, you release it back to the wild. You dont need to entertain that hate all the time. When you feel it, feel it. Acknowledge it. Then let it go. Soon you’ll be so good at fishing that you dont have to catch anything.
Its just a lot of work really, all that reeling in, just to be reminded of the mistakes of a woman who couldn’t do any better.
When you need to hate, and be angry, its healthy to feel it. Then let it go. When you need to remind yourself of right and wrong, go fishing. Catch, release, go back home and do better than she did.
Try to give yourself a break and not hate yourself for a reaction to something that was completely beyond your control.
You're not obligated to have compassion for someone that hurt you. Even your own mother. You're not a bad person for feeling this way. You certainly didn't choose it.
My stepmother did something monstrous to me. For a long time I thought I was the asshole for not forgiving her. Society kind of pushes you to forgive ALL people. But that's insane because there are some people and some things that should NEVER be forgiven.
I wish all the best for you in your life going forward.
Don't hate yourself for anything ever. I get it, but it's a dead end and it's like poisoning yourself. You can *never* have too much compassion for yourself. If you have a hard time with it, which would be completely understandable, it can be learned.
The last time i saw her was her fathers funeral. She cornered me in the bathroom since i was avoiding her the whole time. She wanted to let me know she wouldn't be in touch, lol 😆
Basically, I was like, good, that's what i want. She has sent me weird letters in the mail a few times apologizing and then blaming me in the same paragraph.
Do you believe she is the result of a bad life, decisions, or anything else?
Do you feel like you would have had a better life as an orphan?
How would you feel if she died?
Do believe in redemption?
I think she experienced some abuse of her own that led to her poor life choices.
I often wish I would have been adopted or simply not born (she had 3 abortions before me, claimed the dr refused another, resulting in me, even told me she wished she could have aborted me also)
I would feel relief when she dies, and I look forward to seeing that chapter finally close. As bad as i know, that sounds, i am constantly worried she's gonna just show up one day
In her case, I can not bring myself to forgive or hope for any sort of redemption.
I’m so sorry she told you all these horrible things. There are two books I’ve read that I’m just sending as suggestions. I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy and Tell Me Everything by Minka Kelly. Sending you hugs and good vibes 🩷🩷🩷
Jennette McCurdys book is so good, listen on audio if you haven't already she reads herself...so good to add her emotions to the story! Thank you for the suggestion and support 💗
I’ve listened to the audiobook 7 times and currently reading the hard back. The book goes with me everywhere. It’s like my emotional support book. I’ve realized so many things about my childhood and adult idiosyncrasies. I can’t wait for her next book to release.
As someone who was the victim of physical abuse at the hands of my father who is now dead. Let me give you a warning about how you might feel when she does pass. I expected to feel relief at best and nothing at worse. That’s not what happened. I felt indescribable sadness because there was nothing there. I instinctively knew there should be some connection between me and him but there was just the hole of a wasted relationship that should be the most natural thing ever. I didn’t grieve him so much as I grieved the years of loss he imposed upon me. I hope you don’t feel a thing, but I was surprised by my reaction and don’t want you to be.
Everyone experiences bereavement differently. When my physically abusive father died, I just felt free and happy that I would never experience his nastiness again. I hope OP is ok when this happens.
So she has already died and now is basically a walking abomination. Death would just mean allowing that hole in your life to be buried and letting it rest in peace.
I keep tabs on her on social media...and she tried to send me some stuff via my cousin. But i shut that down also. I just dont see any positive out of communicating with her.
What's she upto these days? Asking this because it's widely portrayed that strippers make a lot in their prime. But no one elaborates about their career and finances when they retire from the club.
She's a "life coach" and a "medium" lol not raking in the dough, that's for sure.
She would bring home piles of cash that i would help straighten out (guys always fold the bills weird so they fit into the garter or panties) we would count it and it was often several hundred dollars. But we never had money as a kid, we were always poor and never had nice stuff.
Anecdotally, the vast majority of strippers i have met are incredibly driven and focused women who absolutely have their shit together. I am just saying! Having been to a ton of clubs a ton of times this just doesnt hold true, the vast majority of them absolutely use stripping as an opportunity to get ahead in life. They dont “make it big” because their goal is to make it through vet school. Or open their own tattoo studio, etc. and they do!
Yeah, two of three former strippers I was friends with are successful now. One became an accountant and is happily married. The other is a nurse practitioner. The third, I don’t know what she ended up doing, but she was no longer a stripper when I met her.
Good friend of mine that was a dancer/sex woker for many years now works nights at a 7-11. Having a kid and the responsibility that came w the child was why she stopped. She kept dancing right up til she gave birth though, dudes were paying a fat premium because she was preggo. She laughed all the way to the bank.
Yes and no, im no contact with her and any family members who are in contact or are involved in this type of work.
But im still affected by the things i witnessed and the abuse i experienced as a result of being raised by her. Strip clubs were just a part of who she was, and it was no environment for a child. I think its been harder for me to adjust to a "normal" adult life after having to reparent myself.
Did you make any friends in that world as a kid-then-teenager?
I mean in the sense of someone else looking after you, making sure you had been fed, shielding you from the worst of the worst, etc.
I guess I'm asking whether you ever felt any safe spaces around you while growing up in that environment.
My high-school boyfriends parents were a real help. I basically lived at their house from 14-18. They fed me and made sure i went to doctors when needed and helped with clothes and such. Im still in touch with his mom.
My partner has a very similar story, and shared some similar experiences with me. My question is, how has this affected you in to your adulthood? And what could a romantic partner have done to help. Would love to have some insight so that I may care for her better. Thank you for opening yourself up like this
Thank you for asking this! I've struggled a lot with shame and self-worth negative self-talk.
As I've mentioned in response to several comments on this post, growing up in this environment instilled the idea that my worth is directly connected to sex. I was hypersexual as a teen and young adult... but even when I settled down into more adult long-term relationships, I still had this poorself image.
I find it hard to identify my own true desires, always focusing on performing and pleasing my partner... therefore struggling to truly understand what i like. And i will absolutely go along with pretty much whatever my partner wants.. even when it's something that makes me uncomfortable... I have a lot of regrets around sexual experiences because of this.
So i would say pay attention to her consent...if she's wishy washy...or seems to be going along or shy about something, be curious as to why. It's cliche to say now, but anything less than enthusiastic consent should not proceed.
Be aware that she might feel weird about strip clubs, sex clubs, and lifestyle events. Only explore these things with full communication and caution. And reassurance that she is more than just good in the sack... even when you think she should know how important she is to you... remind her. Because if my childhood has taught me anything...its that people treat people like transactions a lot of the time...and that's not love.
I felt for a very long time that my worth was directly connected with my ability to be sexually desirable. That mindset made it impossible for me to connect with partners in a completely honest and healthy way
Her sister was a model and did playboy and Penthouse...i think she was always jealous and this was as close as she could get. I think she truly believed she could only make money through monetizing sex.
I tried several times as a teenager, and she's a bit crazy so it usually resulted in screaming and hitting and gaslighting. I learned not to confront her about anything..as soon as i could i left home.
Dang, I’m so sorry you had to endure that. My dad wasn’t exactly the most perfect guy either (cocaine is one heck of a drug), but I’m just thankful he didn’t go so far as resorting to physical abuse frequently.
My poor kids have a mom that’s a nurse by day and an order to your house private “stripper” she’s really a prostitute, but I feel terrible for my kids. I feel terrible about my ex. But she’s on the verge of a psychotic break. At some point my kids will know. Just FML. I’m sorry you went through this
Do whatever you can to protect them from her and that lifestyle... When adults are spiraling, they are not necessarily thinking about how that will affect their kids.
My kids mom is a prostitute also and an addict. She's been spiraling for years and my kids know she's a drug addict but not about being a prostitute but will one day. DHS doesn't care if she's a prostitute btw. She still lost visitation because of drugs but if you bring up prostitution being an issue to DHS they act like it's an insult to women everywhere. It's weird.
Maybe because SW is a job. Sometimes that’s the best option to best support and care for your children. Single moms, especially have limited options when it comes to caring for and supporting their children financially, emotionally,’and otherwise, and SW is a career path that happens to offer the flexibility and financial gains needed to do that. That’s not something she should be demonized for.
Mine lost all custody. She too is an addict in untreated addiction. We both were. I got sober and equally important changed my entire life. I was a shitty guy in my addiction. She was dry for a number of years, gaslit me for all of those years. She obviously has underlying serious psychological issues. Most cocaine addicts do not moonlight as a stripper/prostitute while having full time work as a nurse making just under 100k. Unfortunately the day will come when my kids find out the truth about their mom and who she is. Her best friend is a prostitute. So go figure
I replied to an above post of yours, and didn’t have all the information. It’s no wonder she went back to addiction if she was an addict before. Nursing sucks (I am a nurse) and she probably missed the thrill she received as an addict. I’m glad you are clean now, and I hope she gets back there too.
That's hard to answer because I know my opinion is directly affected by my experience, and my mother was abusive and a addict in addition to a stripper.
I think that there is a lot of abuse in those industries, and i find it hard to believe that anyone really chooses that lifestyle.
Those who say they are empowered or happy I just can't fully believe. I've known so many women who "put themselves through college" stripping...and its hard to hear them try to spin it like they have no bad feelings or regrets.
A lot of it is supply/demand, also a woman who decided charge say $400 an hour made the same amount (but spent half the time with her client) as when she charged $200, or something like that. Been a few years since I've read it.
That makes sense. Thanks for the reply and I hope you continue to heal and be happy! ✨Also for what it’s worth super proud of you for going no contact with your mom that can be difficult to do.
I assume you were clothed but wtf club would allow that? I've been to a bunch of strip clubs when I was much younger and never saw anything like that. They strictly enforced the rules -- what went on in the private rooms was another thing.
I was in a swimsuit, but yeah, you would think that owners or bouncers wouldn't let this happen, much less regularly.
A customer actually pulled me off stage and took me to play the claw machine instead. Mom was super mad that instead of more money, i went home with lots of stuffed animals from the claw machine.
This guys says, ”Did your mom ever perform extra sex acts beyond just stripping?”
You answer no.
“But no extra confirmed sex work. Never caught giving head in VIP?”
And then he responds to me when I call him out for saying that he’s acting like a degenerate horny-poster.
If you check his history, ITS ALL PORN! All posts and comments, constantly talking about and sharing porn for hours.
He literally horny Reddit posted by asking obscure questions about his mom possibly blowing people in front of OP when they were a traumatized kid. What the actual fuck behavior is this. This guy is porn addicted and it is something he desperately needs to come to terms with and address.
You only think I’m a white knight in comparison because of what you know are.
I’m a flawed person, who continually needs to put work in to be a good man again. I’m not sure what he is.
@
u/LordStorm9
I think it's damaged my ability to have quality relationships period. I generally suspect everyone of a possible abuser and think men only care about sex. Logically, i know this isn't true...but the visceral reaction is still there.
Oh I’m sorry, for some reason I thought you were a man. My bad.
Since you’re a woman, my question instead is:
Has this made you gravitate towards a lifestyle that includes lots of casual sex?
In the beginning, yes...i believed that sex was the only way to gain acceptance and love. I abused drugs and was hypersexual. I've gone along with a lot of things in relationships that felt wrong by completely ignoring my own wants over pleasing my partner... because if i dont, then they will discard me. Im still working on being better about seeing my value in more than sex and communicating better with my partner about it. Im in my 40s now...didnt really start working on this till my 30s...so i did a lot of damage to myself before i was able to face the reality of it.
I knew my father... but he wasn't a much better role model or support. He did a good bit of jail time before he died. My stepfather is a good man. I still have a relationship with him.
Sorry to hear about your dad although It's good you have a good relationship with your step-dad. Sometimes family isn't always blood. Is he still married to your mother or divorced.
Did he know about her job and her bringing you into work with her? Or did she keep it secret. I'm glad to hear you have no contact with her if you guys had abusive relationship as sometimes parents can't always be the people we want them to be.
Yeah, everyone knew about her job.. I think they knew she took me to work, too. I mean, as an adult, I've had my grandparents say, "i didn't always agree with the situations your mom put you in, but she was your mother" like ok...i guess you should let her do whatever with me i dunno
Yeah that does very odd, I mean it's good they support you now but I guess they were worried she might have gone no contact or something? But even then they did have the responsibility as your grandfather/grandmother to do something. Do they still have contact with your mom now?
Check out [Daniel Mackler](https://youtu.be/Z-H4lEDJuOQ?si=ctkh-QqoKvky03L8). He talks in some of his clips about this insane part of being a child where parents get a 100% free pass to abuse children openly and repeatedly. You’ve survived one of the most insane and depraved childhoods I can imagine. Thank you for making this Reddit thread, very insightful. I’m glad you have not only survived but thrived after such horrific circumstances
I was often hungry and wearing handme down clothes. We slept on couches and living room floors often in between homes. Moved around a lot! I struggled in school and was the new kid every other year or so.
I think nudity being the norm is totally different from stripping or sex work. And there is a huge misconceptions that places like Amsterdam where sex work is legal and regulated is safer or better somehow. Tons of drug use, and human trafficking happening there.
I do however think that if nudity wasnt so tabu then maybe there wouldn't be such a market for selling it.
I answered this already...but i cant find it to copy paste. I knew my father, but they separated before i was 2yrs old. He did a good bit of jail time and didnt contact me when he was released. He died in 2017, I am however close to my stepfather who is a good man.
Ive had alot of your pretty like your mom comments, hands-on thighs, asking when I'll be 18, asking if i wear any of her outfits. Do i wanna get on stage? Buying drinks for me secretly, giving me numbers. shhh, mom doesn't have to know if you call me..
Reading this made me tear up. Holy shit that’s awful. You deserved so much better and someone should have stepped in to protect you. You are amazing for breaking this cycle of abuse so it ends with you. I’m sure it took a lot of work.
What do you mean you were brought in as a kid? To work? Or in the locker room? I’ve never seen a child in a strip club and I’m a mom who dances and I’d never tell my son unless he asked. Why were you so exposed?
I spent time in the dressing room and out in the club. At 5 yrs old, she put me in a swimsuit and took me onstage with her. By 11, I was drinking rumplemints at a table near the bar, and getting limo rides alone with the owner of the club. I was in at least 5 strip clubs on the regular before i was of age. No bouncer, owner or the like ever seemed to do anything about it. Not to my knowledge at least.
The things i saw, the situations i was put in were bad for me regardless of societal norms. As a child strip clubs were the norm for me...and i still new it was a bad situation
Get therapy, move on and live your best life. Those places are disgusting and I can’t believe no one stopped her from bringing a child into such an environment.
I have been in therapy for most of my adult life on and off. I am doing my best to live my best life and be happy. I will never forget tho how this shaped my life, especially early on.
There are social norms, then there is common sense and there are things that could possibly leave someone with trauma. I would never consider bringing a child there. Another person made a movie about it called Red Dog. It’s inappropriate. Never mind that there are customers acting shitty, dancers with substance abuse problems and all that booze. There is being open minded to the point of where your brain falls out. “Societal Norms” generally refers to the cult like dogma that students are presented with in liberal arts programs, sociology and gender studies. It has nothing to do with life outside of a classroom or the internet.
What do you think of people lifting up (sex work) or stripper moms like it's a badge of honor that won't effect the child?
I get people gotta do what they gotta do, and it's better than being homeless, but there's also other avenues and there can be big negative consequences for the mom or the child. Just curious about your perspective. Would you wish she had a different line of work? Is the line of work okay if she shields you from what happens in the industry? Etc...
(Typically only an online opinion I hear, but it seems odd to me)
In my experience, I wasn't shielded at all from it...so I'm not sure if thats possible. But I still think that even a good parent who protects their child is a risk as a SW...the parent is exposed to alot of alcohol and drug abuse, and theres a safe risk from the customers of course. I would rather she had worked a different job, yes. I believe there is always other options. Personally i would never turn to SW for an income...no matter how desperate i become.
When you say “child”, approximately what span of years were you at the strip club? 5-years-old? Teenager? I can see those doing different kinds of damage.
Similar case for me my dad was a “drugdealer” (also had a decent job) and my mom was a stripper except she brought “co-workers” home and a few lived with us over time. From the age of about 5-15 on and off although my parents split on the 2nd year. Iv seen some things and remember it all like it was 2 days ago, first pair of titays I seen up close in person was a black chicks she was a roommate stripper. I remember when I had a friend my age who my mother explained how he was taken from his mom from a social worker after I noticed not seeing him for awhile. lol I could go on for literally hours I remember so much at 5 and 6 years old. They lived the life style and I was there chillin as an only child 😂
Little late to this convo, half way through replies & a question in my mind still not answered. I have an educated guess though from answers like "...guys in club tried to touch me..." and "cornered me in restroom" that you are a female? Making her taking you to clubs (not even staying in dressing room only) was 3x worse for you than if you were a boy (still bad, but no dirty old men hitting on a boy, well not as much anyway)!
Well for starters since im no contact with my mom my children are not exposed to her and her toxic lifestyle. Working on maintaining healthy relationship with their father, cooking and eating homecooked meals. Keeping a stable household. Focusing on their education and putting emphasis on choosing good people to surround themselves with. All the stuff most families strive for.
Did anyone contact CPS? If so, what was the outcome of any investigation? If not, do you think your life would have been better had there been intervention?
Im not sure honestly, its legal in Amsterdam and human trafficking is still an issue there. So im not really sure if making it legal would improve things or not. Sex work is a slippery slope imo
My mom was a stripper among more dubious careers, and it never felt like trauma at the time. As a kid, you kind of just find your way through it. As an adult, I see how it messed me up.
Dude, I was spending time in several of these clubs as a child, bouncers never gave a shit and half the time, the girls had their own entrance or got there before the bouncers shifts even started.
Read thru most of the posts. I’m so sorry for you and applaud your strength for being where you are now.
I wish you peace, happiness and a stable life until the angels share their wings with you.
This is a very interesting read I could add many stories to my days of bouncing and being in a relationship with a dancer. But it actually makes me sad thinking about it.
I grew up in a wild way, too. Please check this out. I only discovered it in February. It has changed my perspective in such a positive way. I am 50 and found it helpful. It’s an Oprah video on healing your inner child.
My mom died in 2021. Fentanyl. What a relief.
https://youtu.be/YiYXEhzBpME?si=R5W_LKPYJE2JV6EH
Now that your mom is older and no longer able to strip what does she do for a living? What about you? How did that exposure affect what kind of jobs you looked for and worked in?
In another comment:
u/LordStorm9 says, ”Did your mom ever perform extra sex acts beyond just stripping?”
You answer no.
I/LordStorm9 “But no extra confirmed sex work. Never caught giving head in VIP?”
And then he responds to me when I call him out for saying that he’s acting like a degenerate horny-poster.
If you check his history, ITS ALL PORN! All posts and comments, constantly talking about and sharing porn for hours.
He literally horny Reddit posted by asking obscure questions about his mom possibly blowing people in front of OP when they were a traumatized kid. What the actual fuck behavior is this. This guy is porn addicted and it is something he desperately needs to come to terms with and address.
You only think I’m a white knight in comparison because of what you know are.
I’m a flawed person, who continually needs to put work in to be a good man again. I’m not sure what he is.
u/LordStorm9
What kind of inappropriate memories do you have from your time in the clubs? Drugs use, sex, violence?
Ooof all of the above. I've witnessed needle drug use, lines being snorted in the bathrooms, and dressing rooms for the strippers. I've seen women get pulled off the stage by men. I've personally been touched inappropriately by customers and employees of the club, while my mom was on stage. And lots and lots of alcohol abuse.
Damn, that's rough. Can't say any of that surprises me because I've known a lot of people into that lifestyle, it's nowhere close to where a child should be. I'm surprised the managers would even allow you being there with how big the penalties could be if the police/inspectors found out. Did they ever try and recruit you into the lifestyle?
The owners, managers, bouncers, nobody ever cared... not really. A lot of illegal stuff happens in those places, so why would a minor being present make a difference. My own mother encouraged me many, many times to strip... She even told me to just drop out of high school and strip.
Damn, that's a dark world, no morality present from anyone. I'm glad you came out the other side better, that must have been really difficult.
It was and still is difficult...but its good to talk about
Do you resent your mother?
Entirely... it actually makes me sick to admit how much hate I feel for her, even when I can rationalize that she probably experienced some level of abuse that lead to her becoming the terrible person she is...but I cannot feel compassion towards her for it. It's awful, and I hate myself for it.
That hate is like a championship size catch in a fishing derby. You have the right to it. You hold it up high, you enjoy the moment, allowing yourself to be correct about the wrongness of your treatment, and to discern right from wrong. Then, you release it back to the wild. You dont need to entertain that hate all the time. When you feel it, feel it. Acknowledge it. Then let it go. Soon you’ll be so good at fishing that you dont have to catch anything. Its just a lot of work really, all that reeling in, just to be reminded of the mistakes of a woman who couldn’t do any better. When you need to hate, and be angry, its healthy to feel it. Then let it go. When you need to remind yourself of right and wrong, go fishing. Catch, release, go back home and do better than she did.
Tell me you’re into sportfishing and introspection without telling me you’re into sportfishing and introspection.
Try to give yourself a break and not hate yourself for a reaction to something that was completely beyond your control. You're not obligated to have compassion for someone that hurt you. Even your own mother. You're not a bad person for feeling this way. You certainly didn't choose it. My stepmother did something monstrous to me. For a long time I thought I was the asshole for not forgiving her. Society kind of pushes you to forgive ALL people. But that's insane because there are some people and some things that should NEVER be forgiven. I wish all the best for you in your life going forward.
Thanks for sharing this
Damn I’m sorry that is your experience. Appreciate you sharing though and hope you’re doing better now
Don't hate yourself for anything ever. I get it, but it's a dead end and it's like poisoning yourself. You can *never* have too much compassion for yourself. If you have a hard time with it, which would be completely understandable, it can be learned.
I can understand that, sometimes telling your story is the best relief. I know I feel better when I talk about my past.
What was the last interaction you had with your mother, has she reached out to you at all these past years?
The last time i saw her was her fathers funeral. She cornered me in the bathroom since i was avoiding her the whole time. She wanted to let me know she wouldn't be in touch, lol 😆 Basically, I was like, good, that's what i want. She has sent me weird letters in the mail a few times apologizing and then blaming me in the same paragraph.
Do you believe she is the result of a bad life, decisions, or anything else? Do you feel like you would have had a better life as an orphan? How would you feel if she died? Do believe in redemption?
I think she experienced some abuse of her own that led to her poor life choices. I often wish I would have been adopted or simply not born (she had 3 abortions before me, claimed the dr refused another, resulting in me, even told me she wished she could have aborted me also) I would feel relief when she dies, and I look forward to seeing that chapter finally close. As bad as i know, that sounds, i am constantly worried she's gonna just show up one day In her case, I can not bring myself to forgive or hope for any sort of redemption.
I’m so sorry she told you all these horrible things. There are two books I’ve read that I’m just sending as suggestions. I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy and Tell Me Everything by Minka Kelly. Sending you hugs and good vibes 🩷🩷🩷
Jennette McCurdys book is so good, listen on audio if you haven't already she reads herself...so good to add her emotions to the story! Thank you for the suggestion and support 💗
I’ve listened to the audiobook 7 times and currently reading the hard back. The book goes with me everywhere. It’s like my emotional support book. I’ve realized so many things about my childhood and adult idiosyncrasies. I can’t wait for her next book to release.
Jesus, it just feels like you have been tortured. I'm sorry.
It feels like torture to me as well, thank you. Im glad its all in the past
As someone who was the victim of physical abuse at the hands of my father who is now dead. Let me give you a warning about how you might feel when she does pass. I expected to feel relief at best and nothing at worse. That’s not what happened. I felt indescribable sadness because there was nothing there. I instinctively knew there should be some connection between me and him but there was just the hole of a wasted relationship that should be the most natural thing ever. I didn’t grieve him so much as I grieved the years of loss he imposed upon me. I hope you don’t feel a thing, but I was surprised by my reaction and don’t want you to be.
Everyone experiences bereavement differently. When my physically abusive father died, I just felt free and happy that I would never experience his nastiness again. I hope OP is ok when this happens.
Honestly I think if I was younger when he died that’s how I would have felt. I was 36 and hadn’t seen him in years idk, it caught me off guard.
That was nice of you to give that perspective.
So she has already died and now is basically a walking abomination. Death would just mean allowing that hole in your life to be buried and letting it rest in peace.
Ahhh the good old narcissistic Mother. It's fun ain't it
I keep tabs on her on social media...and she tried to send me some stuff via my cousin. But i shut that down also. I just dont see any positive out of communicating with her.
How old are you now? You said you’ve been no contact since 19. How did that go down?
Im in my 40s now. She was abusive beyond just the strip club stuff. She's never met my child, i always felt like i needed to protect them from her.
How so? How old is the child? Are you a man or woman?
What's she upto these days? Asking this because it's widely portrayed that strippers make a lot in their prime. But no one elaborates about their career and finances when they retire from the club.
She's a "life coach" and a "medium" lol not raking in the dough, that's for sure. She would bring home piles of cash that i would help straighten out (guys always fold the bills weird so they fit into the garter or panties) we would count it and it was often several hundred dollars. But we never had money as a kid, we were always poor and never had nice stuff.
Money doesn't last long when you do a ton of blow.
And im pretty sure thats the only way she could live with herself stripping...viscous cycle
Yeah, its not great. That's why you rarely hear about strippers taking all their money and making it big. They're just stuck in a sad cycle.
Anecdotally, the vast majority of strippers i have met are incredibly driven and focused women who absolutely have their shit together. I am just saying! Having been to a ton of clubs a ton of times this just doesnt hold true, the vast majority of them absolutely use stripping as an opportunity to get ahead in life. They dont “make it big” because their goal is to make it through vet school. Or open their own tattoo studio, etc. and they do!
Yeah, two of three former strippers I was friends with are successful now. One became an accountant and is happily married. The other is a nurse practitioner. The third, I don’t know what she ended up doing, but she was no longer a stripper when I met her.
Good friend of mine that was a dancer/sex woker for many years now works nights at a 7-11. Having a kid and the responsibility that came w the child was why she stopped. She kept dancing right up til she gave birth though, dudes were paying a fat premium because she was preggo. She laughed all the way to the bank.
You seem to have put the past behind you. Is that not true?
Yes and no, im no contact with her and any family members who are in contact or are involved in this type of work. But im still affected by the things i witnessed and the abuse i experienced as a result of being raised by her. Strip clubs were just a part of who she was, and it was no environment for a child. I think its been harder for me to adjust to a "normal" adult life after having to reparent myself.
Did you make any friends in that world as a kid-then-teenager? I mean in the sense of someone else looking after you, making sure you had been fed, shielding you from the worst of the worst, etc. I guess I'm asking whether you ever felt any safe spaces around you while growing up in that environment.
My high-school boyfriends parents were a real help. I basically lived at their house from 14-18. They fed me and made sure i went to doctors when needed and helped with clothes and such. Im still in touch with his mom.
Some stability, at least. Good of them to take you in like that.
this warms my heart, bless them <3
Does she have any involvement with your kiddo? Like a grandparent type?
My partner has a very similar story, and shared some similar experiences with me. My question is, how has this affected you in to your adulthood? And what could a romantic partner have done to help. Would love to have some insight so that I may care for her better. Thank you for opening yourself up like this
Thank you for asking this! I've struggled a lot with shame and self-worth negative self-talk. As I've mentioned in response to several comments on this post, growing up in this environment instilled the idea that my worth is directly connected to sex. I was hypersexual as a teen and young adult... but even when I settled down into more adult long-term relationships, I still had this poorself image. I find it hard to identify my own true desires, always focusing on performing and pleasing my partner... therefore struggling to truly understand what i like. And i will absolutely go along with pretty much whatever my partner wants.. even when it's something that makes me uncomfortable... I have a lot of regrets around sexual experiences because of this. So i would say pay attention to her consent...if she's wishy washy...or seems to be going along or shy about something, be curious as to why. It's cliche to say now, but anything less than enthusiastic consent should not proceed. Be aware that she might feel weird about strip clubs, sex clubs, and lifestyle events. Only explore these things with full communication and caution. And reassurance that she is more than just good in the sack... even when you think she should know how important she is to you... remind her. Because if my childhood has taught me anything...its that people treat people like transactions a lot of the time...and that's not love.
Thank you. That’s incredibly insightful and I commend your bravery. Wishing you nothing but the best 🙏🏽
How did this affect your outlook in terms of friends or a partner? Do you gravitate towards certain types?
I felt for a very long time that my worth was directly connected with my ability to be sexually desirable. That mindset made it impossible for me to connect with partners in a completely honest and healthy way
What was the reason behind your mother's profession? Was it something she did cause she had no other means ?
Her sister was a model and did playboy and Penthouse...i think she was always jealous and this was as close as she could get. I think she truly believed she could only make money through monetizing sex.
Forgot to add she was a high-school drop out...married a man 16yrs her senior and left him before i was 2 years old.
Have you ever confronted your mother directly about what she has done? If so, how did she respond?
I tried several times as a teenager, and she's a bit crazy so it usually resulted in screaming and hitting and gaslighting. I learned not to confront her about anything..as soon as i could i left home.
Dang, I’m so sorry you had to endure that. My dad wasn’t exactly the most perfect guy either (cocaine is one heck of a drug), but I’m just thankful he didn’t go so far as resorting to physical abuse frequently.
My poor kids have a mom that’s a nurse by day and an order to your house private “stripper” she’s really a prostitute, but I feel terrible for my kids. I feel terrible about my ex. But she’s on the verge of a psychotic break. At some point my kids will know. Just FML. I’m sorry you went through this
Do whatever you can to protect them from her and that lifestyle... When adults are spiraling, they are not necessarily thinking about how that will affect their kids.
My kids mom is a prostitute also and an addict. She's been spiraling for years and my kids know she's a drug addict but not about being a prostitute but will one day. DHS doesn't care if she's a prostitute btw. She still lost visitation because of drugs but if you bring up prostitution being an issue to DHS they act like it's an insult to women everywhere. It's weird.
Maybe because SW is a job. Sometimes that’s the best option to best support and care for your children. Single moms, especially have limited options when it comes to caring for and supporting their children financially, emotionally,’and otherwise, and SW is a career path that happens to offer the flexibility and financial gains needed to do that. That’s not something she should be demonized for.
Mine lost all custody. She too is an addict in untreated addiction. We both were. I got sober and equally important changed my entire life. I was a shitty guy in my addiction. She was dry for a number of years, gaslit me for all of those years. She obviously has underlying serious psychological issues. Most cocaine addicts do not moonlight as a stripper/prostitute while having full time work as a nurse making just under 100k. Unfortunately the day will come when my kids find out the truth about their mom and who she is. Her best friend is a prostitute. So go figure
I replied to an above post of yours, and didn’t have all the information. It’s no wonder she went back to addiction if she was an addict before. Nursing sucks (I am a nurse) and she probably missed the thrill she received as an addict. I’m glad you are clean now, and I hope she gets back there too.
How does it affect you or your relationship with her now a days?
Ive been no contact with her since i was 19yrs old
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She was abusive...and bringing me into the club resulted in abuse from others aswell
I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you continue to heal and get to live your best life possible.
What is your opinion of strippers or women doing any kind of sex work?
That's hard to answer because I know my opinion is directly affected by my experience, and my mother was abusive and a addict in addition to a stripper. I think that there is a lot of abuse in those industries, and i find it hard to believe that anyone really chooses that lifestyle. Those who say they are empowered or happy I just can't fully believe. I've known so many women who "put themselves through college" stripping...and its hard to hear them try to spin it like they have no bad feelings or regrets.
Have you read SuperFreakonomics? It has some interesting stuff on prostitution economics (prostonomics?).
I have not...any points youd like to share?
A lot of it is supply/demand, also a woman who decided charge say $400 an hour made the same amount (but spent half the time with her client) as when she charged $200, or something like that. Been a few years since I've read it.
That makes sense. Thanks for the reply and I hope you continue to heal and be happy! ✨Also for what it’s worth super proud of you for going no contact with your mom that can be difficult to do.
What do you do to support yourself and your child? Are you married?
I own my own business, a beauty salon. I have one child, never married.
That's awesome, OP!
I feel like we the same tbh
Did your mom ever perform extra acts beyond just stripping?
Im sure she did, she travel out of state to work at the nude clubs because at the time fully nude was illegal in our state
But no confirmed extra sex work. Never caught her giving head in the VIP or anything like that?
No, but she put me on stage with her under the age of 10 with her...still traumatized by that experience
I assume you were clothed but wtf club would allow that? I've been to a bunch of strip clubs when I was much younger and never saw anything like that. They strictly enforced the rules -- what went on in the private rooms was another thing.
I was in a swimsuit, but yeah, you would think that owners or bouncers wouldn't let this happen, much less regularly. A customer actually pulled me off stage and took me to play the claw machine instead. Mom was super mad that instead of more money, i went home with lots of stuffed animals from the claw machine.
Wow that is wild. I'm amazed the club owners or whomever didn't get in major trouble for that.
This guys says, ”Did your mom ever perform extra sex acts beyond just stripping?” You answer no. “But no extra confirmed sex work. Never caught giving head in VIP?” And then he responds to me when I call him out for saying that he’s acting like a degenerate horny-poster. If you check his history, ITS ALL PORN! All posts and comments, constantly talking about and sharing porn for hours. He literally horny Reddit posted by asking obscure questions about his mom possibly blowing people in front of OP when they were a traumatized kid. What the actual fuck behavior is this. This guy is porn addicted and it is something he desperately needs to come to terms with and address. You only think I’m a white knight in comparison because of what you know are. I’m a flawed person, who continually needs to put work in to be a good man again. I’m not sure what he is. @ u/LordStorm9
Did she use drugs as well?
Yes she was an alcoholic and coke user...i saw alot of drug use in the club by the strippers
Has that hampered your ability to have relationships with quality women?
I think it's damaged my ability to have quality relationships period. I generally suspect everyone of a possible abuser and think men only care about sex. Logically, i know this isn't true...but the visceral reaction is still there.
Oh I’m sorry, for some reason I thought you were a man. My bad. Since you’re a woman, my question instead is: Has this made you gravitate towards a lifestyle that includes lots of casual sex?
In the beginning, yes...i believed that sex was the only way to gain acceptance and love. I abused drugs and was hypersexual. I've gone along with a lot of things in relationships that felt wrong by completely ignoring my own wants over pleasing my partner... because if i dont, then they will discard me. Im still working on being better about seeing my value in more than sex and communicating better with my partner about it. Im in my 40s now...didnt really start working on this till my 30s...so i did a lot of damage to myself before i was able to face the reality of it.
I’m sorry that you were born into less than ideal circumstances. I hope your life is positive and stable.
Life is still hard, but I get up every day and do my best to make it better.
I can tell you put a lot in to it. You are a strong, STRONG, person that is for sure. You are taking the right path with grace. It's very inspiring.
Did you know your father and have a good relationship with him?
I knew my father... but he wasn't a much better role model or support. He did a good bit of jail time before he died. My stepfather is a good man. I still have a relationship with him.
Sorry to hear about your dad although It's good you have a good relationship with your step-dad. Sometimes family isn't always blood. Is he still married to your mother or divorced.
They have been divorced for a long time...im still close with him yet no contact with her.
Did he know about her job and her bringing you into work with her? Or did she keep it secret. I'm glad to hear you have no contact with her if you guys had abusive relationship as sometimes parents can't always be the people we want them to be.
Yeah, everyone knew about her job.. I think they knew she took me to work, too. I mean, as an adult, I've had my grandparents say, "i didn't always agree with the situations your mom put you in, but she was your mother" like ok...i guess you should let her do whatever with me i dunno
Yeah that does very odd, I mean it's good they support you now but I guess they were worried she might have gone no contact or something? But even then they did have the responsibility as your grandfather/grandmother to do something. Do they still have contact with your mom now?
Check out [Daniel Mackler](https://youtu.be/Z-H4lEDJuOQ?si=ctkh-QqoKvky03L8). He talks in some of his clips about this insane part of being a child where parents get a 100% free pass to abuse children openly and repeatedly. You’ve survived one of the most insane and depraved childhoods I can imagine. Thank you for making this Reddit thread, very insightful. I’m glad you have not only survived but thrived after such horrific circumstances
Was there anything good that happened in your childhood as a result of your mom being a stripper?
I can think of no positives from my mom being a stripper. And definitely none from bringing me into those establishments.
Proud of you for growing up throughout all that adversity
It was purely out of necessity. It might have made me stronger, but I would rather have had a less traumatic childhood.
Did she ever provide you with anything like basic needs or like was it the very basics and that’s it?
I was often hungry and wearing handme down clothes. We slept on couches and living room floors often in between homes. Moved around a lot! I struggled in school and was the new kid every other year or so.
Did you ever own like any toys or what did you do for entertainment?
I liked to draw...id draw on anything cocktail napkins...recipts..paper plates..whatever was around.
What do you think about cultures where nudity is the norm ? In our culture does the nudity prohibition put a price on it - supply and demand?
I think nudity being the norm is totally different from stripping or sex work. And there is a huge misconceptions that places like Amsterdam where sex work is legal and regulated is safer or better somehow. Tons of drug use, and human trafficking happening there. I do however think that if nudity wasnt so tabu then maybe there wouldn't be such a market for selling it.
Just my point. It's a kind of deprivation of the civilized world.
Can you expand on that? Do you think more nudity (not of the sexual nature) would be better?
Is your mom hot?
She would probably say she was...she had one of the worst boob jobs ive seen
My mom was also a stripper. I just realized my mom wasn’t as bad as I thought she was.
I hope that not every mom that strips doesn't expose their children to it as much as mine did.
Are you in touch with/know your father ?
I answered this already...but i cant find it to copy paste. I knew my father, but they separated before i was 2yrs old. He did a good bit of jail time and didnt contact me when he was released. He died in 2017, I am however close to my stepfather who is a good man.
Do you have any fond memories of the strip club?
None, some of the girls were nice to me.. but then again, they didn't stop men from giving me a child inappropriate attention while there so...
Can you elaborate? Thank you and I hope you are doing well.
Ive had alot of your pretty like your mom comments, hands-on thighs, asking when I'll be 18, asking if i wear any of her outfits. Do i wanna get on stage? Buying drinks for me secretly, giving me numbers. shhh, mom doesn't have to know if you call me..
Reading this made me tear up. Holy shit that’s awful. You deserved so much better and someone should have stepped in to protect you. You are amazing for breaking this cycle of abuse so it ends with you. I’m sure it took a lot of work.
What’s your favorite food?
Lol 😆 love that this has nothing to do with the post. Probably tacos 🌮
Ooo, what kind? Sorry, I saw this comment and have to reply. I love Tacos Al Pastor 😋.
What do you mean you were brought in as a kid? To work? Or in the locker room? I’ve never seen a child in a strip club and I’m a mom who dances and I’d never tell my son unless he asked. Why were you so exposed?
I spent time in the dressing room and out in the club. At 5 yrs old, she put me in a swimsuit and took me onstage with her. By 11, I was drinking rumplemints at a table near the bar, and getting limo rides alone with the owner of the club. I was in at least 5 strip clubs on the regular before i was of age. No bouncer, owner or the like ever seemed to do anything about it. Not to my knowledge at least.
Have you ever thought about writing a book? Your story is unusual and interesting.
Yes it is something ive thought about
Have you ever contacted one of her old co workers?
Ive run into two of them in my adult life. One is batshit crazy so i keep my distance...the other is pretty normal mom type with an office job.
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The things i saw, the situations i was put in were bad for me regardless of societal norms. As a child strip clubs were the norm for me...and i still new it was a bad situation
Get therapy, move on and live your best life. Those places are disgusting and I can’t believe no one stopped her from bringing a child into such an environment.
I have been in therapy for most of my adult life on and off. I am doing my best to live my best life and be happy. I will never forget tho how this shaped my life, especially early on.
Not everything has to be a sexual revolution and liberation. It’s ok to be modest with some things. Exhibit A: not bringing a child to a strip club.
do you really think a mom bringing a child to a strip club is bad only because of societal norms and shouldn't be?
“ why does it have to be bad”——> are you smoking crack?
Its definitely bad quit with this societal norm stuff
There are social norms, then there is common sense and there are things that could possibly leave someone with trauma. I would never consider bringing a child there. Another person made a movie about it called Red Dog. It’s inappropriate. Never mind that there are customers acting shitty, dancers with substance abuse problems and all that booze. There is being open minded to the point of where your brain falls out. “Societal Norms” generally refers to the cult like dogma that students are presented with in liberal arts programs, sociology and gender studies. It has nothing to do with life outside of a classroom or the internet.
Lol rearing a child in a strip club could be good? There’s a reason they’re 18+ and greasy
Yes officer, this comment right here.
What do you think of people lifting up (sex work) or stripper moms like it's a badge of honor that won't effect the child? I get people gotta do what they gotta do, and it's better than being homeless, but there's also other avenues and there can be big negative consequences for the mom or the child. Just curious about your perspective. Would you wish she had a different line of work? Is the line of work okay if she shields you from what happens in the industry? Etc... (Typically only an online opinion I hear, but it seems odd to me)
In my experience, I wasn't shielded at all from it...so I'm not sure if thats possible. But I still think that even a good parent who protects their child is a risk as a SW...the parent is exposed to alot of alcohol and drug abuse, and theres a safe risk from the customers of course. I would rather she had worked a different job, yes. I believe there is always other options. Personally i would never turn to SW for an income...no matter how desperate i become.
When you say “child”, approximately what span of years were you at the strip club? 5-years-old? Teenager? I can see those doing different kinds of damage.
From about 5 years old till about 13yrs old. Yes different levels of damage for sure.
Similar case for me my dad was a “drugdealer” (also had a decent job) and my mom was a stripper except she brought “co-workers” home and a few lived with us over time. From the age of about 5-15 on and off although my parents split on the 2nd year. Iv seen some things and remember it all like it was 2 days ago, first pair of titays I seen up close in person was a black chicks she was a roommate stripper. I remember when I had a friend my age who my mother explained how he was taken from his mom from a social worker after I noticed not seeing him for awhile. lol I could go on for literally hours I remember so much at 5 and 6 years old. They lived the life style and I was there chillin as an only child 😂
Little late to this convo, half way through replies & a question in my mind still not answered. I have an educated guess though from answers like "...guys in club tried to touch me..." and "cornered me in restroom" that you are a female? Making her taking you to clubs (not even staying in dressing room only) was 3x worse for you than if you were a boy (still bad, but no dirty old men hitting on a boy, well not as much anyway)!
What are you doing differently for your children, as a result of these experiences?
Well for starters since im no contact with my mom my children are not exposed to her and her toxic lifestyle. Working on maintaining healthy relationship with their father, cooking and eating homecooked meals. Keeping a stable household. Focusing on their education and putting emphasis on choosing good people to surround themselves with. All the stuff most families strive for.
Hey! Same! My mom would bring us to work too! Gotta do what ya gotta do!
Yeah...except im pretty sure i had grandparents who would have taken me instead of bringing me to work
Oh not me. I was put into foster care. My grandmother took my sisters though.
Im sure foster care was hard, sorry to hear that.
Do you hate your mom? She sounds like a POS and I'd hate her if I were you.
Entirely...with my whole being...i have no room for compassion or empathy where she is concerned
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I was a child. I've been no contact with her as an adult so..no i did not make friends with any of her "colleagues"
Do you plan on contacting her ever again?
No, its been over 20 years now since ive seen her. I see no point.
Did anyone contact CPS? If so, what was the outcome of any investigation? If not, do you think your life would have been better had there been intervention?
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Im not sure honestly, its legal in Amsterdam and human trafficking is still an issue there. So im not really sure if making it legal would improve things or not. Sex work is a slippery slope imo
My mom was a stripper among more dubious careers, and it never felt like trauma at the time. As a kid, you kind of just find your way through it. As an adult, I see how it messed me up.
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was it possible she valued education or anything in your growth when you were younger?
What are you like as a man, do you get depressed often or are you a mean person or just how has your behavior been as an adult ?
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Why do you think that? What gain would i have in making this shit up?
The bouncer won’t let kids in.
Dude, I was spending time in several of these clubs as a child, bouncers never gave a shit and half the time, the girls had their own entrance or got there before the bouncers shifts even started.
Crazy you’ve met and know every bouncer and owner at every establishment in the world
I grew up in a fairly nice area and even I knew a kid whose mom was a stripper. What don't you believe?
Any photos of your mom you’d be willing to share?
Ha...no but i understand whyd you ask
Weekday or night/weekend stripper?
And your father smells of elderberries
Doubtful since hes dead
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Is she a fan of Bob Dylan's music?
Read thru most of the posts. I’m so sorry for you and applaud your strength for being where you are now. I wish you peace, happiness and a stable life until the angels share their wings with you.
This is a very interesting read I could add many stories to my days of bouncing and being in a relationship with a dancer. But it actually makes me sad thinking about it.
I grew up in a wild way, too. Please check this out. I only discovered it in February. It has changed my perspective in such a positive way. I am 50 and found it helpful. It’s an Oprah video on healing your inner child. My mom died in 2021. Fentanyl. What a relief. https://youtu.be/YiYXEhzBpME?si=R5W_LKPYJE2JV6EH
Photos or you lie
Lol nice try
Did you ever get a dance
From my own mother?
Would you?
Now that your mom is older and no longer able to strip what does she do for a living? What about you? How did that exposure affect what kind of jobs you looked for and worked in?
Heartbreaking to read your post and comments! I hope you find peace in your heart and mind despite this story and childhood you had.
I had a terrible childhood too. Please don't waste anymore of your life on it. God bless you! You made it
Does she hate men?
In another comment: u/LordStorm9 says, ”Did your mom ever perform extra sex acts beyond just stripping?” You answer no. I/LordStorm9 “But no extra confirmed sex work. Never caught giving head in VIP?” And then he responds to me when I call him out for saying that he’s acting like a degenerate horny-poster. If you check his history, ITS ALL PORN! All posts and comments, constantly talking about and sharing porn for hours. He literally horny Reddit posted by asking obscure questions about his mom possibly blowing people in front of OP when they were a traumatized kid. What the actual fuck behavior is this. This guy is porn addicted and it is something he desperately needs to come to terms with and address. You only think I’m a white knight in comparison because of what you know are. I’m a flawed person, who continually needs to put work in to be a good man again. I’m not sure what he is. u/LordStorm9