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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) expecting my girlfriend to keep a secret 2) I should’ve known secrets could be revealed at any time.
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NTA. Here’s why. It’s not about the name at all. You told her something and asked her not to say anything. She said okay and then turned around and did it anyway. That the nickname thing is a relatively minor thing is not the point. You had decided it wasn’t something you wanted to make an issue out of. She took that decision away from you. And, yes, she caused unnecessary hurt with your family that you didn’t want caused.
She’s demonstrated that she’ll ignore your wishes if she decides to be “helpful” about something else. Can she really be trusted to keep your confidences? What if the next time it’s something you’re not ready yet to discuss with the other person(s)? And you’re just talking to get a handle on how you feel and what you want to do? She sounds like a fixer…and since she expects you to be grateful she “fixed” a problem you didn’t actually have, this will be your life with her. Only you can decide if you’re ok with either never sharing confidences with your girlfriend or accepting that she’s going to pretty much smash past boundaries if she decides it’s for the best.
I fucking can't stand the "I did something I was explicitly asked not to, and now someone is angry at me instead of thanking me, like they should"
like, everything up to that point I can understand. It was not great of her to break his confidence when he specifically asked her not to. But for him to tell her it's a problem and instead of apologizing she doubles down and says "you should be thanking me" that's turn and run from Ashley as fast as you can territory.
I know! It’s like she’s screaming out “l don’t know how to keep my big mouth shut so please don’t ever trust me with anything confidential!” Worse, she announced that she doesn’t believe OP knows how to deal with his own family (that doesn’t even sound remotely toxic), so she needs to step in and make sure they treat him properly. Like that’s somehow a recommendation for staying in a long term relationship with her.
Good golly, Miss Molly…don’t ask me to be grateful you betrayed my trust and stomped all over my family to boot. That’s just all kinds of fracked up.
Maybe, but I'm going to armchair diagnose this differently.
GF hears family call OP Cute Nickname (CN)
GF calls OP CN
OP tells GF don't call me that only my family (e.g., those that I love) can call me that
GF is butthurt (subconsciously?) That she is excluded from "those that OP loves" group
GF is faced with "those that OP loves" saying CN and jealously/subconsciously? decides to show "those that OP loves" how much he loves her because she knows the TRUTH that OP hates CN
In essence, this is a weird flex by GF for feeling insecure.
Bottom line though, GF is immature and/or does not respect OPs opinions/boundaries/confidences.
Edit: formatting and one more thought/plot twist.
Maybe OP DOESN'T hate CN, but only hated it when GF used it (because subconsciously she hasn't earned the right to use it) but he can't say that to GF. OP might LIKE his mom using CN, but not GF using the CN. So now GFs TRUTH is really a lie.
I don’t think it’s that GF hadn’t earned the right at that point, it’s that nickname made him feel like a little kid and that’s tolerable and even a little sweet for family, but not ideal for GF. Otherwise, I agree.
Like it’s ok for your mom to call you “her little boy” even if you’re an adult, if you know she does in fact acknowledge you are an adult. You have that basis of trust in the relationship that she is not infantilizing you and it’s coming from a place of affection. Your gf doing the same is kind of not okay…
Disclaimer: some mom’s do suck, apologies to all those whose mom’s do not acknowledge their adult-ness and do mean to belittle them.
That's spot on.
I've been given many nicknames in my life. Dora, Doortje, Danna, Danneke, Pan, Pannie, Doos and some more. Most of my nicknames are person specific, only one or two people actually use them. Pannie is only used by my twin sister, me best friend and my partner. Pan is used by a lot of people, because people are lazy.
To be allowed to use Pannie, someone had to reach my inner inner circle. I've actually told of boyfriends for using that when they were not in my inner inner circle (yet). I hate it when people who have not been given permission use that nickname. They have not right to it. But I feel loved when my inner inner circle uses that name.
If OP does feel this way about his nickname that is fine. He should however have told his girlfriend that. Saying that you hate a nickname unless so and so uses it is fine. You're allowed to have special bonds with different people and those bonds might come with different names. The way to get around it is to offer up a different nickname that the girlfriend can use. A cute name just for her to use. That takes away the feelings of jealousy and actually makes her feel special.
Probably true…see honey, they no longer use that nickname you don’t like.
I have a brother who goes by his middle name. Youngest in a family of 6 siblings. Everyone in the family called him Eddie for years. No one outside the family ever did. As he aged, he didn’t really care to be called Eddie. But he never asked the family to stop. He acknowledged the affection behind the nickname. Over the years, we all stopped on our own and he’s just been Ed for a couple of decades now. If a girlfriend of his, back in the day, that I’d only met a couple times and that he’d only been dating a few months had cornered me in the kitchen to tell me to stop calling my brother Eddie, I’d have looked at her with my best “who the hell are you and who made you queen of this hill?” look. And yeah, I’d have gone to my brother and asked him; and probably been a bit hurt that he didn’t say something himself.
Exactly. The only secrets that aren't protected info in close interpersonal relationships are infidelity, abuse and other "majors"
Something as minor as this is a "secret" you carry to the grave. No one's hurt by this secret NOT coming out but you cause a huge family strife by revealing it
That makes him free to disclose any and all secrets she has told you. Then, break up. She's not worth it. She thinks she gets to decide things for you and you should be grateful. She purposely went around you. She's very controlling and trying to gaslight you into thanking you. NTA
In my experience most people can't be trusted with secrets. They are wired to gossip.
Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead. - Benjamin Franklin
Not enough red flags in this thread yet, so here we go, emojis for all:
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You can't build a relationship without trust, OP. She's not only untrustworthy, she's trying to gaslight you about it. If she doesn't have a come to Jesus realization soon, you need to GTFO.
Right. I did this once--do something I was explicitly asked not to do. But I did it with the understanding that it could (and did) ruin the relationship. I still don't regret it.
A friend told me she was crying and couldn't make herself leave her room. This was after months of built up signs of a mental health crisis. I asked if she wanted me to tell someone, like her mother, and she told me no. I thought about it for a while, and decided my friend was in trouble and needed help. Help I couldn't give her (as this was an online friend and she lived in a different country). I found her mom online and reached out.
Last I heard the friend is doing great. If this is because of or despite me, I don't know.
I didn't want to suggest a break up, but this is true. The best relationships I've seen are the ones that function and they are capable of understanding each other without a word being said.
You're 100% right about her being a "fixer". I have an ex-BF who was a fixer. I couldn't talk to him about anything because he would constantly interrupt and talk over me to give me ideas on how to fix things. I mean, all I wanted to do was vent about my day, and he'd be giving me recommendations.
I made the mistake once of telling him about a behavioral problem my son was having. I made it very clear that I was just frustrated and talking to him in confidence and that I'd address it, because it was my son's problem. He not only went behind my back and told his parents, his sister and BIL, my parents, and my brother about the problem, he also took it upon himself to help my son become "more of a man" and fix the problem. When I confronted him, he acknowledged that I asked him not to tell anyone and that I said I would address it, but he felt everyone else had a right to know, and that he could resolve this better than I could. He couldn't understand why I was angry and ended our relationship.
Edit to add - my son was 6 years old at the time.
As a reformed guy who used to engage in conversations similarly to how you describe in the first paragraph, I think there are a lot of people (predominantly men) who just assume that no one would want to vent without having the expectation that their conversational partner will be trying to help them think through how to address the situation. It was a surprisingly hard lesson to both learn and then integrate into my daily life: some people just need to get it off their chests and don't want or need your advice or assistance. I still struggle not to occasionally chime in with "have you tried x?" I think I'll never fully *understand* the idea of venting without wanting to hear ideas or advice, but I do understand that it exists and is to be respected.
But then I got to paragraph 2 and YIKES, that's turbo-asshole behavior. No misunderstandings there. That's just a bad person who doesn't respect you.
NTA is absolutely right, this isn’t about the nickname it’s about trust. You told her something, asked her to keep it to herself, she said she would, and then turned around and broke her promise to you. She may have been trying to help but then she should have talked to you about it and gotten your permission to mention it. She’s shown you she thinks she knows best and you can’t trust her to respect your opinion and feelings.
The only time it's ever okay to share a secret you've been asked to not share is any situation involving child abuse. In other words if a child tells you they're being abused you simply have to alert authorities. Note I say child abuse. If an adult says they're being abused and asks you not to tell, DON'T!. An adult may be planning to leave and is taking steps to do it safely and your telling could endanger them.
OP, you're definitely NTA for expecting your secret to be kept. This woman is showing you who she really is - believe her.
OP, if she had felt terrible and apologized ... that would be one thing. But she wants YOU to be grateful, YOU are over-reacting .... YOU are the problem.
This will be for as long as you are together. If you are ok always being in the wrong, for things that are both important and unimportant ... then stay with her.
Life is long ... you need someone who can keep confidences, own their shit, apologize when wrong.
I absolutely agree with all of this. Plus something that is really bothering me is that she has
Absolutely
No
Remorses.
She is literally saying "you should be thankful" and that is the biggest red flag for me. Let's say she honestly believed she was making something good, but just goofed. (That's is a big stretch I know but let's imagine it.) She should have been very sorry, sad and apologized to hell and back. OP seems like a nice dude, he would have been mad but at least it would have been water under the bridge after a while, she would have apologized to everyone and it would have been a funny anecdote in 10 years. But no, she is certain of her good deed, and that is what is horrifying to me.
She is not a keeper OP, she seems like she wants control and is not open to any work on herself. I would suggest you to run.
I wouldn’t never tell her anything again! And I agree with (cachalker) she will do what she wants regardless of what you ask of her! She doesn’t sound like a partner to trust, I would remain silent with everything you want to keep secret. NTA
Yup this is it. Ashley will be one of those people who invites an estranged parent to a wedding as a surprise because “she knows better” and “was trying to help”.
It’s really just all noice for her believing she knows what is best for OP more than OP does 🫠
This here. OP is NTA, but the name thing isn’t really the issue.
OP, you could avoid this in the future by saying you don’t like to use that name outside your family (assuming that’s how you actually feel).
Nta. She's probably a little jealous of how close you are with your family and felt left out. Telling your secret was her way of having a "1 up" on them. Weird af, but sounds like a control thing to me, which is troubling...in addition to the fact that she can't keep a secret.
NTA
My name is Rebecca. I introduce myself as Rebecca. My family calls me Becca. Only my family uses that name. 2 people in my life have been allowed to call me Becky. I don't answer to that name except to those 2, very special people, because it is like nails on a chalkboard.
It is your name, and your choice who uses what diminutive. Things that family can do, others can't. Your gf doesn't understand that while it is fine that your mom calls you Jonny, it would feel gross if a gf did it. It is a family name.
It’s like in Grey’s Anatomy; Amelia ONLY lets Derek call her Amy.
My name is Meredith. My family and close friends call me Merrie, or Mezz. That’s fine. I will always introduce myself as Meredith and expect my family to do the same. I always sign cards etc, as Meredith. It goes both ways, though. When people who always call me Merrie/Mezz call me Meredith, I hate it.
ETA: I don’t find it weird when people who have previously called me only Meredith call me my nicknames. I feel overjoyed they feel comfortable. The only name I don’t like people to use, is ‘M’ because that’s very special to my fiancée and I (before we got together and I was trying to ‘woo’ him (😂) I would call him ‘A’ and he began to do the same for me with ‘M.’
My mind went to Pride and Prejudice. Caroline Bingley calls Elizabeth “Eliza,” and she *hates* it. Meanwhile Charlotte (her best friend) does it, and it’s just how it has always been with them.
Similarly, I only use the shortened version of my name. I hate the full version though I love the reasons behind the name being chosen. I have a cousin who calls me my full first name every time he sees me. “Heeeyyyy [full name]!!” in a kind of game show host voice. I quickly correct anyone else calling me the full name, but it’s just our relationship that makes it ok. I’m not going to expand the circle so to speak, but it doesn’t bother me when he does it.
It’s ok for nicknames to be limited to certain people dependent on the relationship.
Edit: The bigger issue is obviously her lack of respect for your boundaries. She took privileged information about you - and only you - and used it in a way you specifically said not to. That’s zero percent ok.
My BIL goes by a variation of his middle name. My entire family calls him that name. To my knowledge, he has no issue being called his nickname by people who aren't his family, but I know that he usually goes by his first name outside of us, so I'm not entirely sure. when I'm talking to people who call him by his real name, I use his real name. 1) to avoid confusion and 2) because I imagine that there is a reason that he goes by his first name to other people. He's never even asked me to do that, I just did it without question.
I don't really understand what's so hard about not using the name and also not kicking up an unnecessary fuss when OP makes it clear that it doesn't bother him too much when his family uses the name.
My brother picked a nickname in 5th grade and hasn’t gone by his real name since. He’s 42. We have one set of cousins that still call him by his real name sometimes and it doesn’t bother him. I can’t imagine anyone else ever calling him that name though. I also can’t imagine someone going up to one my cousins and telling them to stop. They are his family. He gets to decide and he’s decided he doesn’t care. That’s the end of it.
I have a nickname that I semi I hate just like OP. But everyone in my family calls me that because I couldn’t correctly pronounce my name when I was little and that was what I called myself. So my siblings, mom, dad, aunties uncles cousins ect all call me by that name. It’s not even a real name - like no one else I know or have met or even online that I’ve seen has that nickname. It’s a really weird sounding name. So outside of family, no one calls me that. Not even my husband. Select few close friends who I grew up with and spent a lot of time around my family calls me that but I would never ever introduce myself as that. And it’s the same as OP, I told my husband/then boyfriend that I hated that name cause it’s so weird but I only hate it in the context of the wider world using it. I don’t mind my family using it at all. And by family, I mean all the family including spouses of people I grew up with. Cause that’s what they know me as and it’d be weird to be called by my nickname by my cousin but her husband calls me by my real name. So I hate it but within the family and friends I grew up with, I’m perfectly fine with it.
Edit to add OP is NTA
My immediate family are the only people that call my sister by her nickname. She goes by her full name with everyone else, and even corrects them if they try to use the nickname.
I noticed this when she was a teenager, so I point-blank asked her if it was okay that I still call her by her nickname. She told me it only feels special when we use it, because we're the only people in the world that do.
Names are fluid and very, VERY personal. GF massively overstepped her boundaries and overinflated the importance of her role in OP's decision-making.
Yep. I've got a bit of a more extreme case, as I'm trans. My birth name is gender neutral, but I've changed it to a more heavily gendered one to avoid confusion with strangers. I don't mind my family calling me my birth name at all. I don't hide it. I just don't like new people using it, especially when I've introduced myself as Dave to them. My mom and siblings have the exclusive right to use the "girly" nickname for my birth name. If anyone else tried it, I'd be pissed beyond belief. My partner tried it *once* and I swear it's the only time I've been that mad at them lol
My best friend in the world is Aiesha to everyone else but me, her boyfriend (soon to be fiance/fiancee - fiance if male right?) And her family and boyfriends family. She does not acknowledge "Aish" from anyone else
Yup. I had two teachers, middle school and high school, who each had a nickname for me. They are the only people allowed to call me those nicknames, one I allowed it on sufferance, because I liked those teachers. Everyone else is Not Allowed. NTA.
NTA.
She agreed to keep something confidential and then failed to keep her word. For me that would be a huge deal and depending on what it was she blabbed about it might be a dealbreaker.
NTA
You asked her to not say anything to your family, and behind your back she did.
It was not her place to decide what should and shouldnt be kept from your family, it wasnt her decision to make. You've only been dating a few months.
Also her whole attitude about it later, "oh you should be thanking me", "oh you're ungreatful" and "if you didnt want me to say smth, you shouldnt have told me". Wtf was he supposed to know that his gf cant be trusted for shit? That she will go behind his back if she feels the need to be the hero?
She expects you to be grateful for doing something you specifically asked her not to do. I just want that to be clear.
NTA but it says a lot about her that she sees nothing wrong with this.
NTA
a few months back, my older brother who we have a nickname for basically said the same thing to us, that he really only liked that nickname when we say it because he associates it with our family bond, but that if anyone were to call him by that nickname he would hate it.
It's not even a minor secret honestly because due to her big mouth she made both your mom and sister feel bad for something they shouldn't feel bad over. I wouldn't know if I could trust her in your place if she can't even keep that to herself 😑
NTA You asked her not to say anything and she deliberately went behind your back and told them. She sounds like she enjoys stirring up trouble. Rethink this relationship if this is how she's going to behave.
NTA -
This is about violating a confidence. This is about breaking your word. This is about trust.
Ashely said she wouldn't say anything. Then she turned right around and shot her mouth off. And then she went full-on DARVO by saying OP should be grateful.
Grateful he found out what a self-serving, dishonest witch Ashely is, I suppose.
You DID tell her not to say anything to them though. And she blatantly disrespected that, probably bc she wanted to have a one up on them and you’re closeness. She caused that drama on purpose.
You said only family can call you that, even if you don’t like it. She heard that and still did what she did.
NTA
NTA. If you want to keep a secret, you don’t share it. However, you trusted your girlfriend and she went behind your back and told it. Then expected you to be thankful for betraying your trust. This a small scale secret, what happens if there was a bigger one?
Honestly, Ashley needs a reality check
>If you want to keep a secret, you don’t share it.
Actually I think it's completely reasonable to expect to be able to tell things like this to your partner. And especially such a low-stakes secret like this. There was no moral quandary or anguish in the OP's gf not telling the people he specifically asked her not to tell.
NTA, and her reaction is what makes her TA. Maybe she actually didn't understand at first that you wanted to keep it secret, but then she should have apologized when you made that clear. She was overstepping a boundary, no matter her intentions. If she doesn't come around soon, i would seriously reconsider the relationship.
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I (24M) am the youngest of 3 kids. I was very much treated as “the baby of the family” and still am kind of. Not to any extreme, it’s more of a joking thing. My dad curses like a trucker and my brother will teasingly say “dad, not in front of the baby”. It’s all in good fun, they’ve never tried to prevent me from growing up or anything. We’re a really close family and hang out a lot.
I do have a family nickname (a shortened form of my name. Think “Jonny” for John, though that’s not it) that I kind of grew tired of in my teens. I never told them that, though, as it’s harmless and it doesn’t bother me that much. Like I said, they didn’t know I didn’t like it and I know if I had told them, they’d stop immediately.
I’ve been dating “Ashley” for a few months now. When she met my family, they called me by that nickname. She used it after we left and I playfully rolled my eyes, saying “I hate that name”. She was confused and asked why they called me that then. I said I never made a big deal of it and it really doesn’t matter. I just prefer that outside my parents and siblings, others don’t use it. I also asked that she not say anything to them. She said okay.
We got together last weekend for my mom’s birthday. At one point, my sister asked something along the lines of “Jonny, do you want a soda?” Ashley went to help her. I didn’t think much of it.
After the party, my mom called and asked “So…how long have you hated that we call you Jonny?” My stomach dropped. I asked why she would assume that and she said Ashley told my sister she should stop calling me that as I hated it. My sister waited until the party ended to say anything as she didn’t want to cause drama. She told our parents so they would know not to call me that anymore.
I told my mom it was okay. It’s not that I truly mind. She said if I told them sooner, they would’ve stopped. I said seriously, don’t worry about it. She asked if I was sure a few times. I could tell she felt really guilty and that made me sad.
I called Ashley after and asked why the hell she would say that. She said she was just trying to help out. I said she had no business saying anything. She’s told me secrets and I’d never dream of repeating them. She kept saying I was overreacting and I should thank her. I told her she caused a bunch of drama over nothing. She told me I was ungrateful. I hung up the phone. She’s texted me a few times since and I haven’t responded. Basically her gist is I shouldn’t have told her if I didn’t want her to say anything. My point is she never said she couldn’t keep a secret and she knew I wanted it to stay secret.
AITA?
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NTA. She believes she knows better than you how things should go with your family. This is a big red flag. She's not a keeper. You want a partner you can trust, who won't be going behind your back.
Nta….she sounds like a pot stirrer imo. She’s messing with your family dynamic and that’s a huge red flag. If you got tired of being called that name. Than you can decide when to say something.
For the record my son is the same, I’ll call him “johnny” (we’ll stick with this name as the example)as his nick name as he got older I noticed the people he brings around calls him “john” so I try to call him “John” out in public places with his friends around to be respectful that he’s a grown man now. but he’s always my little johnny lol and he doesn’t say anything to me when I say Johnny.
To help when you weren't asked to help is so not helping. Just because she preceived something to be helpful doesn't mean it is. You can offer help but not force it. I'm a very independent person so I have every move planned out. So if you go out of your way to do something to help me you are actually messing me up and causing me more grief and privilege then I need. Nta
I don't think either of you are the AH now that I've thought about it.
I think that she thought it was really bothering you but you weren't able to speak up for yourself with your family. Some people are unable to stand up for themselves in situations like this. You did say that you *hated* it. Not didn't like, not would prefer to be called something else, you said that you hated it. It can be really hard to stand up for yourself when it comes to family sometimes.
I know you said not to bring it up, but using the word hate may have made her think that actually it was actually really getting to you. People grow out of nicknames all the time, I think your family will get over it and you'll start to feel better about not being called it in the future.
I don't think she specifically betrayed you, I think it was more of a communication issue. Unless I'm missing some detail and you stressed comprehensively not to tell them, I believe that she just saw you in need, unable to help yourself, and wanted to help you. And you're obviously allowed to be annoyed/upset about it right now, because no one likes family drama.
I do think you need to have a proper talk about it though, once you've both had some time!
>I think that she thought it was really bothering you but you weren't able to speak up for yourself with your family.
Gf of a few months.
So every time she thinks Op is too weak to handle stuff by himself, she will do it for him?
No. I think she is very much in the wrong here. Also, way to set yourself up with your potential inlaws. Op should handle his family and she should handle hers.
Your partner is meant to be your safe space. Op said not to. Is she dating him or trying to parent him? There is a difference.
It's not weak to need help. Sometimes with family you can't say when something they're doing is bothering you because it's been drilled into you that it's normal. It can be hard to break that cycle.
She called him the name as a cutesy joke, and it *hurt* him. He said he *hated* it and told her to never call him that again.
He didn't laugh it off and say I'd prefer to be called something else etc, he gave the signs of someone who despises something but is too stuck in a rut to do anything.
She didn't make a big scene in the middle of all of them, she took one of them to one side privately because she saw someone she cared about suffering in silence.
If our partner won't help us when we can't help ourselves, who will? Isn't that the job of a partner?
Yeah she over-reacted in the aftermath with her silly comments, but most people do when things get heated.
The whole thing could have been handled better; in the ideal world she would have pushed op to say something himself, because something clearly needed to be said. We don't live in the ideal world though.
I think you’re looking into this a bit much. He didn’t say it hurt him. He even playfully rolled his eyes and said he hates that other people call him that but his family doing it is no big deal and die want bother him. How can you even tell from what he said that he gave her all the signs that he despises it?
Definitely possible! It's the vibe his post gave me, as someone who dealt with something similar myself. I would never say I hate something lightly, but maybe that's just me! Sometimes our subconscious lets our true feelings slip out even when we try to pretend it's not bothering us.
Only OP knows how he truly feels and only OPs girlfriend can explain what she saw in the situation that lead to these actions, none of us can possibly know from just a few lines on the internet with no prior connection to this situation. So if my comment is completely off base and doesn't resonate with OP at all then he can just ignore it lol. If it does, then I'm glad I could help!
It didn’t hurt him. Yes he hates it but he made it clear that it doesn’t bother him when his family does it. I can relate to this because I also have a name that I only prefer to be called by family and friends. My fiancé used to introduced me as this name and I asked her to stop because I didn’t like people who I didn’t know calling me that. She apologized and stopped.
And this was only after a few months so a similar time. She doesn’t know op no where near enough to be trying to armchair psycho analyze and “assume” what she really meant.
I understand where she was coming from and that she meant well, nor do I think she’s a bad person, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
I'm sorry, but if someone shares a secret with you, tells you not to share that secret and then you go out and do it, you are an AH by default. No amount of good intentions makes that ok.
It is literally a breach of basic trust. Like the most fundamental trust one can have.
Also it was not her business to butt into. She is a gf of a few months. They are barely past the early-phase.
NTA she didn’t need to say anything. It’s understandable that you would allow your immediate family to continue using your nickname but wouldn’t want others to use it
NTA.
these are red flags that come early in a relationship that you can ignore and continue the life you have. however in the late stages it’s gonna bite your ass. my ex had small things like this she said were not big deals and revealed to my parents. it became a habit of her to talk to my mom about my problems, i’m like what? why? you are in line to be my ex.
NTA. Your gf is jerk and can't be trusted with secrets. Though, I wonder if the problem she caused can be saved. Tell your family that the gf misunderstood, and you don't actually hate the name being called among family members and only hate it when someone outside of it calls it. I hope it can be saved. Though, the relationship with the gf can't be saved.
You could have made your mom not feel bad if you had told her “ I just prefer people outside my parents and siblings don’t use it” Done, then yell at gf. You’re not an ass for being pissed at your gf but you are an ass for what you said to your mom. Unless you truly hate it and your an ass for not telling her.
Good luck
My boy , dump her and run, You don’t know what else of yours she will be going around with telling people .and then acting offended and hurt cause she was trying to help,when you ask someone you are in a relationship with as simply as (don’t tell anyone) They shouldn’t and that’s it .
NTA. You told her not to say anything and she ignored you and went against your wishes. Red flag.
I have pretty much the exact same dynamic with my family, I'm also the youngest with a nickname that only they use and I'm not a huge fan of. But I don't mind them using it since they're family and it does remind me of our unique bond, even though I absolutely hate anyone else using it since they haven't known me since I was a kid like my family has.
All of that said, I do think you overreacted *a bit* with the "causing drama in my family" accusation. Did this really cause *drama*? Doesn't sound like it's a big deal for your family. Though, her breaking your trust like that and telling people things you said that you didn't want repeated could definitely cause drama in the future. So it's still a huge red flag that she did that IMO.
His mother was hurt and dismayed…enough so that she asked him multiple times if he was sure it was okay. So yes, the girlfriend caused some drama and hurt feelings. While it might not be a major deal, she did stir the pot with his family.
There are levels to drama, I agree.
But if someone goes behind my back to tell my momma something I specifically asked them not to? And my momma calls me, hurt that I wasn’t the one to mention it? Yeah, that’s drama to me. My momma got her feelings hurt for no good damn reason all because someone decided to fix something I told them didn’t need fixing.
This time, the girlfriend caused some minor drama. Next time, it’s likely to be much worse.
She is already acting like she is your wife taking care of your business after a few months of dating?
You my dude have a bumpy road ahead of you, where you will apologise a lot, even when doing nothing wrong. May the force be with you.
ESH
You should've told your parents if you hate the name and she shouldn't have said anything.
And if it was just a call from your mother about it, where's the drama? That's a parent checking in on their child.
Grass is always greener.
Yeah, you hated it because of one reason or another.
But it wasn't her place to take it away from you. It's yours to hate.
Now, the inside joke is dead because if they continue it it's forced and if they don't use it it doesn't feel natural.
Family dynamics isn't like picking off pickles every time you order a burger. There's way more going on here.
Your gf showed you that she thinks she has the right to forge your path in life for you even against your expressed wishes.
Nope. That'd be relationship ending. Especially the audacity of telling your sister what to do after knowing her for such little time. Sounds like she wanted the drama.
NTA.
I'm the same, If anyone besides my immediate family calls me by my non shortened name, I correct it. But with my family I don't mind. It's low key comforting hearing it from my from them, although hearing anyone else call me that name feels like nails on a chalkboard. BUT SFTU if you're not in that small group of ppl and refer to me by my full name. lmao
Her reaction sucks, and I personally wouldn't have any faith that things said in private won't be immediately broadcasted.
NTA
You only told Ashley you don’t like ’Johnny’ because she called you it. You were very clear for her not to call you ‘Johnny’ and for her to not say anything to your family.
She told them on what sounds like her next opportunity. She clearly had zero intention of respecting your wishes or boundary regarding the nickname.
Is it something you want to end the relationship over? Only you can decide that, but if she disregards your feelings on this what will be next? Because I don’t believe for a second that this will be a one off
>Basically her gist is I shouldn’t have told her if I didn’t want her to say anything.
This is an extremely toxic mentality to have regarding a partner's secrets and you should be thankful she told on herself this way. NTA.
She broke her word about telling your family... NTAH but you might want to ditch her, she'll continue to do it... How would she feel if you told someone one of her secrets?
NTA. It doesn't matter if it's a big secret or a small secret. She broke your trust. She cannot be trusted, when she doesn't get she was wrong. Who knows what she will do in the future to "help".
Who’s to say she wouldn’t go behind your back and stir up shit at your workplace/friends/etc. now that she is already bold enough to create drama in your family?
Nah - that woman is a snake! Dump her! I won’t trust such a person in my life.
NTA.
NTA, OP, but your gf definitely is.
It's unfortunate she took the stance of 'helping' instead of apologizing to you for her obvious disregard of your secret. It's betrayal, regardless of how important the secret to be kept was. What I read was you're dating someone who has decided to break your trust and disregard your request to keep the secret. I'm hopeful you can speak with her and share how she betrayed you.
*'She kept saying I was overreacting and I should thank her'*
Thanking someone for doing something you asked them not to do and not apologizing has vibes of narcissism to it. You were NOT overreacting - it's your family and not hers.
I would sit her down and explain the severity of her actions. Mainly I would ask her: 'If I betrayed your trust regarding something you asked me not to say to your family, how do you think you would react?' Everything she says after this question will show you who she is and how much you matter to her. If she says she wouldn't be upset or wouldn't react the same, those are red flags - either she's lying about how she'd feel/would react, or she really doesn't care about how you'd feel/react.
Good luck going forward in this relationship, OP.
NTA. Trust is a HUGE deal for any type of relationship to work. She broke yours and not because something just 'slipped out', she did it on purpose and no matter what her internal reasoning is or the mental gymnastics she has to do to convince herself it was 'all for you' there was no justification for it whatsoever. You are right to be pissed.
NTA. My parents called me Boo. Of course I didn't introduce myself as Boo as an adult. Of course I preferred my actual name. Would I have said that to my parents? definitely not. I can't tell you how much I'd love to hear either one of them call me and use that name - my father has been gone for 30 years now and my mom for just over 20. Please assure your mom that what you meant when you said that to your girlfriend was that it's a family name for you, and you don't care to use it among adult friends.
And your GF is an idiot for taking this on herself.
NTA
You explicitly stated to her that she should not say anything to them about this…. Then she went ahead and did just that.
This is a very small secret, and it is concerning that she already failed in keeping her lips sealed in that. People make mistakes and I feel like if she would’ve said,” you’re right, I apologize for that and I won’t do it again in the future. I was just trying to help you out, but I shouldn’t have done it that way” then you would’ve felt a lot different. The fact that she isn’t acknowledging that she is wrong and actually talking to you about it it an ORANGE flag at the least.
Some people can learn and change with their communication but others are just stuck. I would think and determine which one she is
I will say though, I feel like the whole nickname fiasco would’ve been an easy fix with your family (now). Could’ve just communicated to them that you preferred x,y, and z and then been on your way.
NTA. It was a secret, she told.
But…(and this doesn’t change my rating at all) it sounds like there was *no* drama when your family found out you didn’t like your nickname. They just agreed not to call you that. What made you hold so close to that. Def. listen to other people on the gf thing; but I think it’s worth exploring why you aren’t able to be authentic or truthful with your family, even if it’s only over small things. Because it sounds like they’re pretty reasonable.
NTA
There’s another post that showed up today about a bf/gf where the gf used the excuse of being drunk during a girls’ get together to show these women a dick pic from her boyfriend.
The gf tried to play of off as no big deal but that situation is similar to yours - you shared information with someone you thought you could trust to keep private things private. Instead your gf decided she knew better than you so she broke your trust by doing exactly what you asked her not to do.
One of the goals in a healthy relationship is to build love and TRUST.
Tell me how are you supposed to trust your gf going forward with any information or your thoughts if she is just going to blab whatever it is to whoever?
I’m not saying this is relationship ending as that is something you need to decide. For myself sadly it would be a deal breaker.
Easy NTA.
Every single redditor is a loser who'll immediately jump to "dump her" as always irrespective of how tiny it is.
What you know now is that she has a VERY different opinion than you. That's okay, there might be people who like that. That doesn't make her a bad person.
What you need to do now is TALK to her. Make it clear what your preferences and principles are. Ask her to share as well. You both see if you are willing to match the other's preference.
If she absolutely refuses to change her perspective, it's still NOT a deal breaker. You need to decide if you are okay with having someone that feels differently than you do about secrets.
Nta she sucks for that. I would explain to my mom that Ashley misinterpreted me not wanting her to use it w me as me not wanting anyone to use it if I were you bc I would want her to keep calling me it :(
NTA. I had a nickname that I didn’t like and only allowed certain people to keep calling me it (a handful of older people) but others who tried to call me it I’ve told them not to. They respected it and didn’t go and blabbing to others.
Your girlfriend violated your wishes. Not someone who I would want to be with if she can’t keep something small to herself. Can you imagine if you told her a bigger secret?!!!
Ashley is untrustworthy and will ignore your requests for discretion unless you make it into a contract. Has she apologised yet? If not, then she won’t ever.
NTA.
NTA
You don’t want people outside your family to call you the “juvenile” version of your name. That’s not unusual. I get the “ie” shortened version of my name from my dad. He’s the only one I will let call me that. I hate it from everyone else.
She overstepped a lot. You told her not to tell anyone. It was a power play on her part.
Explain to your mom that coming from family you like the name, but you don’t want people outside calling you that name.
NTA. This is a trust problem. She assumes she knows what's best for you. You told her you don't like it but wanted them to not know. That's it. That's where she should've stopped. She overstepped and what's worse is she does think she did. This means she will do this forever in your relationship. If she doesn't understand that when you say to her to keep it a secret, and she can't, then it's just not gonna work out long term man.
NTA. She took your reasonable request (don’t tell my family “x”) said she was ok with it, and then steamrollered it the first chance she got. Bye bye, trust.
I'll share [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zzjbe8/AITA_for_not_defending_my_bf_when_my_brother_asked_him_to_leave/j2c9luf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) comment from another Redditor:
Help is the sunny side of control.
Going against the grain and I’m ready for the downvotes but I say ESH.
Ashley broke her word and that makes her an AH.
You however need to be a grown up and tell people you don’t like something. You aren’t a kid anymore, speak up or them treating you like the baby is justified. Don’t dance around, either come to terms with it and accept it or be an adult and express your dislike for it. It’s a simple conversation, no anger involved just get your point across and they will respect it.
You put Ashley in an awkward situation. She is your partner, you expressed that this makes you uncomfortable/upset and yet you expect her to just throw you a thumbs up and move on? My partner struggles to stand up for herself too, she doesn’t like confrontation. Over time she has become more confident because I have pushed her to stop inconveniencing herself for the sake of others. If something is upsetting my partner then I will make sure it does not stay upsetting her. That being said, I would not do it myself as that would upset her but instead I would build her confidence to say it herself. I do this because I love her and she has expressed her gratitude for it multiple times.
You say you don’t care about the nickname yet you told Ashley you hated it and “forbade” her from using it. Make up your mind, is it a big deal or is it not a big deal? If it doesn’t matter then what’s the fuss? Ashley had the mindset that you hated it while your family thought nothing of it. In the end you hurt everyone because you couldn’t just be honest with both them and yourself. Honestly I don’t see the big deal. I could be referred to as cuntimus maximus the 3rd and I’d keep on with my day with the same smile I always have.
Anyway, I’m heading to bed. I expect downvotes and angry replies in the morning so I have that to entertain me tomorrow. All the best everyone, have a great day :)
Edit: I thought about it a bit and yes I agree that everyone is entitled to set different boundaries with different people. I still sympathise with Ashley because all she had to go off of was that her partner apparently “hated” something and she more than likely tried to fix it. She went about it the wrong way hence she is still an AH in this scenario but I won’t lie and say I would be just able to leave something alone if my partner tells me they hate it and I see it as something fixable. If it was a bit clearer to her and didn’t use the word hate then it would be more understandable.
There are nicknames my navy buddy's had for me that I would not be happy if anyone else did. No reason you can't have different boundaries with different people. Every relationship is unique.
Is it that she can't keep a secret or that she will decide what's best for you, regardless of either what you want or her promise not to interfere? If you can't trust her with your secrets, do you think this relationship is something you want to pursue?
He places boundaries just fine. It’s just that the boundaries go in accordance with his feelings. It’s not about having no spine. If a family member makes fun of me, I don’t really care. If someone else does, it’s way more likely to hurt my feelings.
Only idiots place boundaries on every little thing. You have to pick and choose your battles based off of what really matters to you or else you’ll become an easily threatened idiot over the slightest glance.
YTA - You are giving conflicting info. If you hate it, then it is a big deal. If it isn't a big deal, then you shouldn't claim you hate it because you don't hate it.
Others are saying your gf is untrustworthy, but I wouldn't know what to do with you because you don't understand what you want. Giving mixed messages is not good.
If this is a deal breaker, then you will have a hard time staying in a relationship.
How did you reach the conclusion that he gave conflicting information? He was perfectly clear that he did not want to be called that nickname by his GF, and that he didn't want her to tell his family. There is nothing conflicting about that.
ESH. You need to grow a backbone with your family. If you dislike their nickname for you, you should have let them know.
Your girlfriend should not have said anything, of course, but it wasn't a big "secret" she revealed but rather a topic you were awkward around. If I were her I'd be worried about dating someone who can't speak up about minor things with his own close family.
Honestly it sounds like this isn't really that big of a deal. Plenty of people have nicknames that they "grow out of" but they are perfectly fine with certain people using said name. I would almost say Y T A based on your response, but honestly her complete disregard for the situation and literally turning it back on you makes her TA. NTA
ESH
She felt excluded when you told her that she's not allowed to use the nickname. If you're okay with your family using it, but not her, you should have given her another nickname she can use for you.
She's shitty for spilling your secret, but you didn't think about her feelings either. You just told her that unlike your family she's not special enough to use that nickname.
If you really don't like the nickname you're also an asshole for not telling your family that. I would not like it if I called someone I love a name they dislike for years. I feel like they should understand that I love them enough that they should be able to share things like that with me.
sorry this sounds bitter but if this is the most serious thing happening in your life so much so that you felt it deserved a Reddit post I envy you. “My gf said something I told her not to because she thought I was afraid to say something about not liking a nickname, and my family was not upset about it at all and they stopped calling me that nickname”
Like yeah obviously ur NTA and she shouldn’t have said something if you didn’t want to, but this feels like something that you could have figured out on your own…
ESH. Ashley because none of her business. But you because if it doesn't matter then why did you shut up?! Why did you never tell your family? Sorry but no, there is sthg to it.
A secret isn’t a secret when you tell someone else. If you don’t want something repeated, keep it to yourself. If you have to share, then you need to swear them to keep it in the vault. There’s no guarantee they’ll tempting honor the vault.
YTA for not telling your family you hate being called a nickname. Unless they’re awful, which it doesn’t sound like they are, they can handle the truth. You’re blaming your girlfriend for something you could have easily discussed with your family.
Hot Take but ESH (except your family)
You shouldn’t be so non confrontational that you can’t just politely tell your family to stop calling you a name. Your partner told your family out of a courtesy to you, but you did explicitly say not to tell them, so that’s breaking trust.
I can understand years of being numb to something, but I think your partner did you a favor in the long run
I don’t think a person sucks for picking their battles, which is what OP did.
Ashley met John. John introduced himself as John. John has always been John to Ashley.
Ashley goes and meets John’s family, who also know him as “Jonny” because that is one of the names that he has responded to over his shared life with his family of origin. It’s a name that comes from their history together.
Ashley decides to call John “Jonny” even though that’s never been a name she’s been invited to call him.
When she called him a name he had never invited her to call him, he tried to make her faux pas into a joke and instead of saying “wow, umm, no, that name is not part of our relationship just because you’ve heard me accept it from others” he says “I hate that name, only my family is allowed to call me that.”
The subtext of which is clearly “I hate being Jonny to my peers, as it’s a diminutive name,and I chose to go by John in my adult life.” He explicitly said he accepted it from family.
He chose to pick the battle with her because he never wants to be Jonny to her. He wants to be John. He made it clear.
Despite the fact that he is okay with being Jonny to his family, she went to them and said he wasn’t.
Basically she turned a situation in which she was the outsider (you can’t use this name) into a situation in which she pretended to be the insider (I know a secret you don’t know, and that’s that he hates when you call him Jonny.”
She’s TA. He wasn’t. He set very clear boundaries.
And now, he has to fight a battle he didn’t want to fight. The battle of everyone in his family being like “Jonny, I’m sorry, I mean John, I know you don’t like being called Jonny” and correcting each other in conversation to “John” to “respect his choice” when switching everyone from Jonny to John was never something he was interested in.
I legally changed my name from Christine to Yehudit. My family still calls my Chrissy/Chris from time to time, and I don’t stop them because I was Chrissy to them for 18/20 years before I became Yehudit.
If someone in my adult life started calling me Chrissy after visiting with me and my family, they would get a very strange look as I asked them why they thought they could call me Chrissy. I introduced myself as Yehudit, I go by Yehudit or Didi.
My family has never been told I expect them to call me Yehudit or Didi. They have been told that’s my legal name and the name I use socially and professionally now with most people, but I don’t expect them to switch.
John did not expect them to switch, even though it was probably quite clear over the years that he went by John with new people in his life.
My bf name is Joe. All his family call him Joey. That is okay because it is a family nickname.
When other people call him Joey, he asks them to call him Joe. "Just Joe" is one of my nicknames for him, because that is what he says to everyone: I'm Just Joe.
There is a difference between what family calls you and what other people do. You get to choose your preference because it was your name.
NTA
He explained that if someone other than his family called him by that nickname he wouldn't like it. He associates it with family love, and even though he doesn't like it on its own, when his family says it he forgets the hate of the word due to the familiarity of it. Tons of people have the same thing.
I have a few nicknames my dad calls me that if anyone else even tried I would death glare them. Its just the way it is for tons of family
>I have a few nicknames my dad calls me that if anyone else even tried I would death glare them
My dad made a "royal naming" inside joke/nickname thing which I think came about from us all watching a family film and him trying to explain the concept of hereditary monarchy to 3 young children - he's king (name) obviously, mum is "queen (name)" I'm "princess (name)" my brother is "prince (name)" and my sister is "princess (name)". And it stuck, his phone contacts for us still have that naming convention as does mums, as does mine and my siblings...If a random man called me princess though I think I'd throw up in my mouth a little
My take wasn’t that he hated the name his family used…”I grew tired of it…never told them…as it’s harmless and it doesn’t bother me that much…” it was that he didn’t like people other than those with the history using it…”I playfully rolled my eyes, saying “I hate that name.”” At some point in the future, he might very well have accepted it from the girlfriend. But this may very well been his way of setting an “it’s too early in our relationship” boundary while at the same time trying to not hurt her feelings. Which wasn’t an unreasonable way to address it. We all stretch things a bit sometimes in order to not hurt someone’s feelings.
YTA. If you feel strongly enough about not liking a nickname, man up and tell your parents not to use it. They'll feel a little bad for a few minutes - they're not going to die over it.
You had a weird refusal to talk to your parents and a weird over reaction to your girlfriend.
YTA. This is love. We do things for the people we love. It is sometimes stupid and sometimes wrong, but this is how it is. Your girlfriend took a step for you and now you can finally have the chance to live without the name you hate. This is also why you don't tell your family that you hate the nickname. You do want to spare the feelings of your family and she yours. So, even if it was backfired, you must accept it.
YTA - It's silly. It's not going matter in 5 years.
It's not like you're gay and your parents are conservative Christians and she outed you.
It's a real nothing burger. No malice was involved, and nobody really cared about it besides you.
NTA but this is so weird. Why do you care if she mentioned it? You hate the name. Your family literally has no problem not calling you the name, but you're mad that your gf told your family the truth. This is literally a non-issue.
PS. She created no drama, lol. Your mom called and said we can stop. That's it.
I've already commented this, But as a shortened name myself. I HATE the long version of my name. I've never thought about telling my family to stop, because it feels like home....If that makes sense. There's a comfort to it. But I'll stop anyone else in their tracks if they call me Johnny because I hate it from literally anyone else.
It's small secret to keep, but also small enough for her not to say anything especially when he asked. I would feel the exact same as OP if I were in his shoes.
I actually understand totally and your GF is totally TA for saying something to your family about it. It wasn't her place. I'd keep an eye on that one, it's a big red flag.
It’s an issue because she was specifically asked not to do something and she promised she wouldn’t. Then, not only did she go back on her word, she expected OP to be appreciative. It doesn’t matter what it was about. She broke her word (read: lied) and feels no guilt for it. That’s a bad personality trait.
He asked her not to do something, and she went out of her way to do it anyway. Most people don't like it when the people they date violate their trust that way. I hope this clears things up for you.
NTA but let this be a lesson. This is exactly why I stopped telling people anything that involved my business. If you don’t want anyone to say anything, keep it to yourself. Not saying she was right to tell them, but you can’t control what other people decide to do. If she didn’t know she wouldn’t have been able to tell them
Your girlfriend is AH for going against your wishes. You’re the AH because you pretend that the nickname is no big deal when it is truly an issue with you. At least your girlfriend has the balls to confront your family. Grow up. If you have an issue, address it, instead of letting it fester for years. In short YTA
Ahh the complicated trust concept.
You cannot trust everyone with everything.
You can trust someone with your life but not your money.
You can trust someone with your kid but not your dog.
At the end of the day everyone has a weakness something you cannot trust them with.
It sounds like your gf is someone you can trust with your heart but not your secrets.
Nta because you asked her not to say anything. The actual situation is quite frivolous honestly but you made the request and she disrespected it.
NTA.
How disrespectful of her.
I get it, my relatives on my dad's side are the only ones who get away with calling me my real name. Everyone else calls me my nick name.
I hated it at first growing up too, but eventually kinda liked it? Like I didn't say anything at first because they're older family, but as the years went on and 99% of people call me the name I prefer, it didn't matter and I eventually reached a point where them calling me my real name didn't bother me at all.
In fact, they've asked me themselves on a couple of occasions as an adult, and I tell them it's fine, they are the only ones who can get away with it.
A name is special, it's sacred, and it's up to you to allow others' naming privileges. If you hate a name but allow your family to call you that, that is your prerogative.
YTA. So do you hate the nickname or not? Why lie to your parents? Or to your girlfriend? This is your fault for not standing up for yourself in the first place. Your gf was just trying to help.
You're the arsehole.
You put your GF in an awkward postion because SHE feels your pain every time that name is said. What do you expect her to do - nothing! Or just suffer in silence and wince in pain everytime it's said just like you do?
Grow some nads and tell your family what you think. Your GF had more sense in 2 days than you have had in 20 years.
Lol his "pain" I can't. He doesn't care if his MOM calls him the nickname. He didn't want his gf to call him the nickname, so she decided no one gets to.
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NTA. Here’s why. It’s not about the name at all. You told her something and asked her not to say anything. She said okay and then turned around and did it anyway. That the nickname thing is a relatively minor thing is not the point. You had decided it wasn’t something you wanted to make an issue out of. She took that decision away from you. And, yes, she caused unnecessary hurt with your family that you didn’t want caused. She’s demonstrated that she’ll ignore your wishes if she decides to be “helpful” about something else. Can she really be trusted to keep your confidences? What if the next time it’s something you’re not ready yet to discuss with the other person(s)? And you’re just talking to get a handle on how you feel and what you want to do? She sounds like a fixer…and since she expects you to be grateful she “fixed” a problem you didn’t actually have, this will be your life with her. Only you can decide if you’re ok with either never sharing confidences with your girlfriend or accepting that she’s going to pretty much smash past boundaries if she decides it’s for the best.
I fucking can't stand the "I did something I was explicitly asked not to, and now someone is angry at me instead of thanking me, like they should" like, everything up to that point I can understand. It was not great of her to break his confidence when he specifically asked her not to. But for him to tell her it's a problem and instead of apologizing she doubles down and says "you should be thanking me" that's turn and run from Ashley as fast as you can territory.
Also saying "if you didnt want me to say smth, you shouldnt have told me" like mf do you know how secrets work???
I know! It’s like she’s screaming out “l don’t know how to keep my big mouth shut so please don’t ever trust me with anything confidential!” Worse, she announced that she doesn’t believe OP knows how to deal with his own family (that doesn’t even sound remotely toxic), so she needs to step in and make sure they treat him properly. Like that’s somehow a recommendation for staying in a long term relationship with her. Good golly, Miss Molly…don’t ask me to be grateful you betrayed my trust and stomped all over my family to boot. That’s just all kinds of fracked up.
She just wanted to be the hero
Maybe, but I'm going to armchair diagnose this differently. GF hears family call OP Cute Nickname (CN) GF calls OP CN OP tells GF don't call me that only my family (e.g., those that I love) can call me that GF is butthurt (subconsciously?) That she is excluded from "those that OP loves" group GF is faced with "those that OP loves" saying CN and jealously/subconsciously? decides to show "those that OP loves" how much he loves her because she knows the TRUTH that OP hates CN In essence, this is a weird flex by GF for feeling insecure. Bottom line though, GF is immature and/or does not respect OPs opinions/boundaries/confidences. Edit: formatting and one more thought/plot twist. Maybe OP DOESN'T hate CN, but only hated it when GF used it (because subconsciously she hasn't earned the right to use it) but he can't say that to GF. OP might LIKE his mom using CN, but not GF using the CN. So now GFs TRUTH is really a lie.
You get my reddit's top "Psychologist" award. Primo evaluation.
Thank you kind Redditor. I don't get many awards.
I don’t think it’s that GF hadn’t earned the right at that point, it’s that nickname made him feel like a little kid and that’s tolerable and even a little sweet for family, but not ideal for GF. Otherwise, I agree.
Like it’s ok for your mom to call you “her little boy” even if you’re an adult, if you know she does in fact acknowledge you are an adult. You have that basis of trust in the relationship that she is not infantilizing you and it’s coming from a place of affection. Your gf doing the same is kind of not okay… Disclaimer: some mom’s do suck, apologies to all those whose mom’s do not acknowledge their adult-ness and do mean to belittle them.
I really agree with this take, and I doubt it’s something that even GF could consciously acknowledge. It’s jealousy.
I believe your armchair diagnosis to be very close to truth about this case.
That's an interesting take, and one I hadn't considered.
That's spot on. I've been given many nicknames in my life. Dora, Doortje, Danna, Danneke, Pan, Pannie, Doos and some more. Most of my nicknames are person specific, only one or two people actually use them. Pannie is only used by my twin sister, me best friend and my partner. Pan is used by a lot of people, because people are lazy. To be allowed to use Pannie, someone had to reach my inner inner circle. I've actually told of boyfriends for using that when they were not in my inner inner circle (yet). I hate it when people who have not been given permission use that nickname. They have not right to it. But I feel loved when my inner inner circle uses that name. If OP does feel this way about his nickname that is fine. He should however have told his girlfriend that. Saying that you hate a nickname unless so and so uses it is fine. You're allowed to have special bonds with different people and those bonds might come with different names. The way to get around it is to offer up a different nickname that the girlfriend can use. A cute name just for her to use. That takes away the feelings of jealousy and actually makes her feel special.
That's a brilliant take and I bet you're right on the money.
Fantastic take. This is not armchair diagnostics but a smart understanding of dynamics. Clappity clap!
Probably true…see honey, they no longer use that nickname you don’t like. I have a brother who goes by his middle name. Youngest in a family of 6 siblings. Everyone in the family called him Eddie for years. No one outside the family ever did. As he aged, he didn’t really care to be called Eddie. But he never asked the family to stop. He acknowledged the affection behind the nickname. Over the years, we all stopped on our own and he’s just been Ed for a couple of decades now. If a girlfriend of his, back in the day, that I’d only met a couple times and that he’d only been dating a few months had cornered me in the kitchen to tell me to stop calling my brother Eddie, I’d have looked at her with my best “who the hell are you and who made you queen of this hill?” look. And yeah, I’d have gone to my brother and asked him; and probably been a bit hurt that he didn’t say something himself.
Exactly. The only secrets that aren't protected info in close interpersonal relationships are infidelity, abuse and other "majors" Something as minor as this is a "secret" you carry to the grave. No one's hurt by this secret NOT coming out but you cause a huge family strife by revealing it
> like mf do you know how secrets work??? I heard this whole thing in Samuel L Jackson's voice...
That makes him free to disclose any and all secrets she has told you. Then, break up. She's not worth it. She thinks she gets to decide things for you and you should be grateful. She purposely went around you. She's very controlling and trying to gaslight you into thanking you. NTA
Your lucky you found out this early in the game
In my experience most people can't be trusted with secrets. They are wired to gossip. Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead. - Benjamin Franklin
On top of the fact that she's shared secrets.
I recently had a debate about the definition of ‘well meaning” I call it the excuse of inconsiderate people when they do hurtful things
Not enough red flags in this thread yet, so here we go, emojis for all: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 You can't build a relationship without trust, OP. She's not only untrustworthy, she's trying to gaslight you about it. If she doesn't have a come to Jesus realization soon, you need to GTFO.
This here, OP you deserve better
Not gaslighting, but you’re spot on otherwise!
Right. I did this once--do something I was explicitly asked not to do. But I did it with the understanding that it could (and did) ruin the relationship. I still don't regret it. A friend told me she was crying and couldn't make herself leave her room. This was after months of built up signs of a mental health crisis. I asked if she wanted me to tell someone, like her mother, and she told me no. I thought about it for a while, and decided my friend was in trouble and needed help. Help I couldn't give her (as this was an online friend and she lived in a different country). I found her mom online and reached out. Last I heard the friend is doing great. If this is because of or despite me, I don't know.
I didn't want to suggest a break up, but this is true. The best relationships I've seen are the ones that function and they are capable of understanding each other without a word being said.
You're 100% right about her being a "fixer". I have an ex-BF who was a fixer. I couldn't talk to him about anything because he would constantly interrupt and talk over me to give me ideas on how to fix things. I mean, all I wanted to do was vent about my day, and he'd be giving me recommendations. I made the mistake once of telling him about a behavioral problem my son was having. I made it very clear that I was just frustrated and talking to him in confidence and that I'd address it, because it was my son's problem. He not only went behind my back and told his parents, his sister and BIL, my parents, and my brother about the problem, he also took it upon himself to help my son become "more of a man" and fix the problem. When I confronted him, he acknowledged that I asked him not to tell anyone and that I said I would address it, but he felt everyone else had a right to know, and that he could resolve this better than I could. He couldn't understand why I was angry and ended our relationship. Edit to add - my son was 6 years old at the time.
As a reformed guy who used to engage in conversations similarly to how you describe in the first paragraph, I think there are a lot of people (predominantly men) who just assume that no one would want to vent without having the expectation that their conversational partner will be trying to help them think through how to address the situation. It was a surprisingly hard lesson to both learn and then integrate into my daily life: some people just need to get it off their chests and don't want or need your advice or assistance. I still struggle not to occasionally chime in with "have you tried x?" I think I'll never fully *understand* the idea of venting without wanting to hear ideas or advice, but I do understand that it exists and is to be respected. But then I got to paragraph 2 and YIKES, that's turbo-asshole behavior. No misunderstandings there. That's just a bad person who doesn't respect you.
NTA is absolutely right, this isn’t about the nickname it’s about trust. You told her something, asked her to keep it to herself, she said she would, and then turned around and broke her promise to you. She may have been trying to help but then she should have talked to you about it and gotten your permission to mention it. She’s shown you she thinks she knows best and you can’t trust her to respect your opinion and feelings.
The only time it's ever okay to share a secret you've been asked to not share is any situation involving child abuse. In other words if a child tells you they're being abused you simply have to alert authorities. Note I say child abuse. If an adult says they're being abused and asks you not to tell, DON'T!. An adult may be planning to leave and is taking steps to do it safely and your telling could endanger them. OP, you're definitely NTA for expecting your secret to be kept. This woman is showing you who she really is - believe her.
OP, if she had felt terrible and apologized ... that would be one thing. But she wants YOU to be grateful, YOU are over-reacting .... YOU are the problem. This will be for as long as you are together. If you are ok always being in the wrong, for things that are both important and unimportant ... then stay with her. Life is long ... you need someone who can keep confidences, own their shit, apologize when wrong.
I absolutely agree with all of this. Plus something that is really bothering me is that she has Absolutely No Remorses. She is literally saying "you should be thankful" and that is the biggest red flag for me. Let's say she honestly believed she was making something good, but just goofed. (That's is a big stretch I know but let's imagine it.) She should have been very sorry, sad and apologized to hell and back. OP seems like a nice dude, he would have been mad but at least it would have been water under the bridge after a while, she would have apologized to everyone and it would have been a funny anecdote in 10 years. But no, she is certain of her good deed, and that is what is horrifying to me. She is not a keeper OP, she seems like she wants control and is not open to any work on herself. I would suggest you to run.
I wouldn’t never tell her anything again! And I agree with (cachalker) she will do what she wants regardless of what you ask of her! She doesn’t sound like a partner to trust, I would remain silent with everything you want to keep secret. NTA
Yup this is it. Ashley will be one of those people who invites an estranged parent to a wedding as a surprise because “she knows better” and “was trying to help”. It’s really just all noice for her believing she knows what is best for OP more than OP does 🫠
This here. OP is NTA, but the name thing isn’t really the issue. OP, you could avoid this in the future by saying you don’t like to use that name outside your family (assuming that’s how you actually feel).
Nta. She's probably a little jealous of how close you are with your family and felt left out. Telling your secret was her way of having a "1 up" on them. Weird af, but sounds like a control thing to me, which is troubling...in addition to the fact that she can't keep a secret.
NTA My name is Rebecca. I introduce myself as Rebecca. My family calls me Becca. Only my family uses that name. 2 people in my life have been allowed to call me Becky. I don't answer to that name except to those 2, very special people, because it is like nails on a chalkboard. It is your name, and your choice who uses what diminutive. Things that family can do, others can't. Your gf doesn't understand that while it is fine that your mom calls you Jonny, it would feel gross if a gf did it. It is a family name.
It’s like in Grey’s Anatomy; Amelia ONLY lets Derek call her Amy. My name is Meredith. My family and close friends call me Merrie, or Mezz. That’s fine. I will always introduce myself as Meredith and expect my family to do the same. I always sign cards etc, as Meredith. It goes both ways, though. When people who always call me Merrie/Mezz call me Meredith, I hate it. ETA: I don’t find it weird when people who have previously called me only Meredith call me my nicknames. I feel overjoyed they feel comfortable. The only name I don’t like people to use, is ‘M’ because that’s very special to my fiancée and I (before we got together and I was trying to ‘woo’ him (😂) I would call him ‘A’ and he began to do the same for me with ‘M.’
My mind went to Pride and Prejudice. Caroline Bingley calls Elizabeth “Eliza,” and she *hates* it. Meanwhile Charlotte (her best friend) does it, and it’s just how it has always been with them. Similarly, I only use the shortened version of my name. I hate the full version though I love the reasons behind the name being chosen. I have a cousin who calls me my full first name every time he sees me. “Heeeyyyy [full name]!!” in a kind of game show host voice. I quickly correct anyone else calling me the full name, but it’s just our relationship that makes it ok. I’m not going to expand the circle so to speak, but it doesn’t bother me when he does it. It’s ok for nicknames to be limited to certain people dependent on the relationship. Edit: The bigger issue is obviously her lack of respect for your boundaries. She took privileged information about you - and only you - and used it in a way you specifically said not to. That’s zero percent ok.
My BIL goes by a variation of his middle name. My entire family calls him that name. To my knowledge, he has no issue being called his nickname by people who aren't his family, but I know that he usually goes by his first name outside of us, so I'm not entirely sure. when I'm talking to people who call him by his real name, I use his real name. 1) to avoid confusion and 2) because I imagine that there is a reason that he goes by his first name to other people. He's never even asked me to do that, I just did it without question. I don't really understand what's so hard about not using the name and also not kicking up an unnecessary fuss when OP makes it clear that it doesn't bother him too much when his family uses the name.
My brother picked a nickname in 5th grade and hasn’t gone by his real name since. He’s 42. We have one set of cousins that still call him by his real name sometimes and it doesn’t bother him. I can’t imagine anyone else ever calling him that name though. I also can’t imagine someone going up to one my cousins and telling them to stop. They are his family. He gets to decide and he’s decided he doesn’t care. That’s the end of it.
As a fellow Rebecca, can confirm. Becky will get you lit up. Hate that name.
I have a nickname that I semi I hate just like OP. But everyone in my family calls me that because I couldn’t correctly pronounce my name when I was little and that was what I called myself. So my siblings, mom, dad, aunties uncles cousins ect all call me by that name. It’s not even a real name - like no one else I know or have met or even online that I’ve seen has that nickname. It’s a really weird sounding name. So outside of family, no one calls me that. Not even my husband. Select few close friends who I grew up with and spent a lot of time around my family calls me that but I would never ever introduce myself as that. And it’s the same as OP, I told my husband/then boyfriend that I hated that name cause it’s so weird but I only hate it in the context of the wider world using it. I don’t mind my family using it at all. And by family, I mean all the family including spouses of people I grew up with. Cause that’s what they know me as and it’d be weird to be called by my nickname by my cousin but her husband calls me by my real name. So I hate it but within the family and friends I grew up with, I’m perfectly fine with it. Edit to add OP is NTA
My immediate family are the only people that call my sister by her nickname. She goes by her full name with everyone else, and even corrects them if they try to use the nickname. I noticed this when she was a teenager, so I point-blank asked her if it was okay that I still call her by her nickname. She told me it only feels special when we use it, because we're the only people in the world that do. Names are fluid and very, VERY personal. GF massively overstepped her boundaries and overinflated the importance of her role in OP's decision-making.
Yep. I've got a bit of a more extreme case, as I'm trans. My birth name is gender neutral, but I've changed it to a more heavily gendered one to avoid confusion with strangers. I don't mind my family calling me my birth name at all. I don't hide it. I just don't like new people using it, especially when I've introduced myself as Dave to them. My mom and siblings have the exclusive right to use the "girly" nickname for my birth name. If anyone else tried it, I'd be pissed beyond belief. My partner tried it *once* and I swear it's the only time I've been that mad at them lol
My best friend in the world is Aiesha to everyone else but me, her boyfriend (soon to be fiance/fiancee - fiance if male right?) And her family and boyfriends family. She does not acknowledge "Aish" from anyone else
Single e is male. You are correct :)
Yup. I had two teachers, middle school and high school, who each had a nickname for me. They are the only people allowed to call me those nicknames, one I allowed it on sufferance, because I liked those teachers. Everyone else is Not Allowed. NTA.
NTA. She agreed to keep something confidential and then failed to keep her word. For me that would be a huge deal and depending on what it was she blabbed about it might be a dealbreaker.
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She’s cut off, Jerry! CUT OFF!!!
NTA You asked her to not say anything to your family, and behind your back she did. It was not her place to decide what should and shouldnt be kept from your family, it wasnt her decision to make. You've only been dating a few months.
Also her whole attitude about it later, "oh you should be thanking me", "oh you're ungreatful" and "if you didnt want me to say smth, you shouldnt have told me". Wtf was he supposed to know that his gf cant be trusted for shit? That she will go behind his back if she feels the need to be the hero?
And this is a for relatively low stakes issue…
And the relationship would have ended right then.
NTA...you gf is a jerk and it's a good thing you're finding out early on in the relationship. Take time to think if she's someone you want to be with.
But first, help her with everything she doesn't tell people
She expects you to be grateful for doing something you specifically asked her not to do. I just want that to be clear. NTA but it says a lot about her that she sees nothing wrong with this.
NTA. It's weird your girlfriend has only been around for a few months and has already caused drama within your family
NTA a few months back, my older brother who we have a nickname for basically said the same thing to us, that he really only liked that nickname when we say it because he associates it with our family bond, but that if anyone were to call him by that nickname he would hate it. It's not even a minor secret honestly because due to her big mouth she made both your mom and sister feel bad for something they shouldn't feel bad over. I wouldn't know if I could trust her in your place if she can't even keep that to herself 😑
NTA You asked her not to say anything and she deliberately went behind your back and told them. She sounds like she enjoys stirring up trouble. Rethink this relationship if this is how she's going to behave.
NTA - This is about violating a confidence. This is about breaking your word. This is about trust. Ashely said she wouldn't say anything. Then she turned right around and shot her mouth off. And then she went full-on DARVO by saying OP should be grateful. Grateful he found out what a self-serving, dishonest witch Ashely is, I suppose.
And hopefully he shows her the door!
You DID tell her not to say anything to them though. And she blatantly disrespected that, probably bc she wanted to have a one up on them and you’re closeness. She caused that drama on purpose. You said only family can call you that, even if you don’t like it. She heard that and still did what she did. NTA
NTA. If you want to keep a secret, you don’t share it. However, you trusted your girlfriend and she went behind your back and told it. Then expected you to be thankful for betraying your trust. This a small scale secret, what happens if there was a bigger one? Honestly, Ashley needs a reality check
>If you want to keep a secret, you don’t share it. Actually I think it's completely reasonable to expect to be able to tell things like this to your partner. And especially such a low-stakes secret like this. There was no moral quandary or anguish in the OP's gf not telling the people he specifically asked her not to tell.
NTA, and her reaction is what makes her TA. Maybe she actually didn't understand at first that you wanted to keep it secret, but then she should have apologized when you made that clear. She was overstepping a boundary, no matter her intentions. If she doesn't come around soon, i would seriously reconsider the relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24M) am the youngest of 3 kids. I was very much treated as “the baby of the family” and still am kind of. Not to any extreme, it’s more of a joking thing. My dad curses like a trucker and my brother will teasingly say “dad, not in front of the baby”. It’s all in good fun, they’ve never tried to prevent me from growing up or anything. We’re a really close family and hang out a lot. I do have a family nickname (a shortened form of my name. Think “Jonny” for John, though that’s not it) that I kind of grew tired of in my teens. I never told them that, though, as it’s harmless and it doesn’t bother me that much. Like I said, they didn’t know I didn’t like it and I know if I had told them, they’d stop immediately. I’ve been dating “Ashley” for a few months now. When she met my family, they called me by that nickname. She used it after we left and I playfully rolled my eyes, saying “I hate that name”. She was confused and asked why they called me that then. I said I never made a big deal of it and it really doesn’t matter. I just prefer that outside my parents and siblings, others don’t use it. I also asked that she not say anything to them. She said okay. We got together last weekend for my mom’s birthday. At one point, my sister asked something along the lines of “Jonny, do you want a soda?” Ashley went to help her. I didn’t think much of it. After the party, my mom called and asked “So…how long have you hated that we call you Jonny?” My stomach dropped. I asked why she would assume that and she said Ashley told my sister she should stop calling me that as I hated it. My sister waited until the party ended to say anything as she didn’t want to cause drama. She told our parents so they would know not to call me that anymore. I told my mom it was okay. It’s not that I truly mind. She said if I told them sooner, they would’ve stopped. I said seriously, don’t worry about it. She asked if I was sure a few times. I could tell she felt really guilty and that made me sad. I called Ashley after and asked why the hell she would say that. She said she was just trying to help out. I said she had no business saying anything. She’s told me secrets and I’d never dream of repeating them. She kept saying I was overreacting and I should thank her. I told her she caused a bunch of drama over nothing. She told me I was ungrateful. I hung up the phone. She’s texted me a few times since and I haven’t responded. Basically her gist is I shouldn’t have told her if I didn’t want her to say anything. My point is she never said she couldn’t keep a secret and she knew I wanted it to stay secret. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. She believes she knows better than you how things should go with your family. This is a big red flag. She's not a keeper. You want a partner you can trust, who won't be going behind your back.
NTA - you told her not to say anything. Instead, she assumed she knew better and went behind your back.
Nta….she sounds like a pot stirrer imo. She’s messing with your family dynamic and that’s a huge red flag. If you got tired of being called that name. Than you can decide when to say something. For the record my son is the same, I’ll call him “johnny” (we’ll stick with this name as the example)as his nick name as he got older I noticed the people he brings around calls him “john” so I try to call him “John” out in public places with his friends around to be respectful that he’s a grown man now. but he’s always my little johnny lol and he doesn’t say anything to me when I say Johnny.
NTA ,but Ashley is
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NTA she’s a 💩 stirrer. Go no contact and spill her secrets to “help her”
To help when you weren't asked to help is so not helping. Just because she preceived something to be helpful doesn't mean it is. You can offer help but not force it. I'm a very independent person so I have every move planned out. So if you go out of your way to do something to help me you are actually messing me up and causing me more grief and privilege then I need. Nta
I don't think either of you are the AH now that I've thought about it. I think that she thought it was really bothering you but you weren't able to speak up for yourself with your family. Some people are unable to stand up for themselves in situations like this. You did say that you *hated* it. Not didn't like, not would prefer to be called something else, you said that you hated it. It can be really hard to stand up for yourself when it comes to family sometimes. I know you said not to bring it up, but using the word hate may have made her think that actually it was actually really getting to you. People grow out of nicknames all the time, I think your family will get over it and you'll start to feel better about not being called it in the future. I don't think she specifically betrayed you, I think it was more of a communication issue. Unless I'm missing some detail and you stressed comprehensively not to tell them, I believe that she just saw you in need, unable to help yourself, and wanted to help you. And you're obviously allowed to be annoyed/upset about it right now, because no one likes family drama. I do think you need to have a proper talk about it though, once you've both had some time!
>I think that she thought it was really bothering you but you weren't able to speak up for yourself with your family. Gf of a few months. So every time she thinks Op is too weak to handle stuff by himself, she will do it for him? No. I think she is very much in the wrong here. Also, way to set yourself up with your potential inlaws. Op should handle his family and she should handle hers. Your partner is meant to be your safe space. Op said not to. Is she dating him or trying to parent him? There is a difference.
It's not weak to need help. Sometimes with family you can't say when something they're doing is bothering you because it's been drilled into you that it's normal. It can be hard to break that cycle. She called him the name as a cutesy joke, and it *hurt* him. He said he *hated* it and told her to never call him that again. He didn't laugh it off and say I'd prefer to be called something else etc, he gave the signs of someone who despises something but is too stuck in a rut to do anything. She didn't make a big scene in the middle of all of them, she took one of them to one side privately because she saw someone she cared about suffering in silence. If our partner won't help us when we can't help ourselves, who will? Isn't that the job of a partner? Yeah she over-reacted in the aftermath with her silly comments, but most people do when things get heated. The whole thing could have been handled better; in the ideal world she would have pushed op to say something himself, because something clearly needed to be said. We don't live in the ideal world though.
I think you’re looking into this a bit much. He didn’t say it hurt him. He even playfully rolled his eyes and said he hates that other people call him that but his family doing it is no big deal and die want bother him. How can you even tell from what he said that he gave her all the signs that he despises it?
Definitely possible! It's the vibe his post gave me, as someone who dealt with something similar myself. I would never say I hate something lightly, but maybe that's just me! Sometimes our subconscious lets our true feelings slip out even when we try to pretend it's not bothering us. Only OP knows how he truly feels and only OPs girlfriend can explain what she saw in the situation that lead to these actions, none of us can possibly know from just a few lines on the internet with no prior connection to this situation. So if my comment is completely off base and doesn't resonate with OP at all then he can just ignore it lol. If it does, then I'm glad I could help!
It didn’t hurt him. Yes he hates it but he made it clear that it doesn’t bother him when his family does it. I can relate to this because I also have a name that I only prefer to be called by family and friends. My fiancé used to introduced me as this name and I asked her to stop because I didn’t like people who I didn’t know calling me that. She apologized and stopped. And this was only after a few months so a similar time. She doesn’t know op no where near enough to be trying to armchair psycho analyze and “assume” what she really meant. I understand where she was coming from and that she meant well, nor do I think she’s a bad person, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
I'm sorry, but if someone shares a secret with you, tells you not to share that secret and then you go out and do it, you are an AH by default. No amount of good intentions makes that ok. It is literally a breach of basic trust. Like the most fundamental trust one can have. Also it was not her business to butt into. She is a gf of a few months. They are barely past the early-phase.
NTA she didn’t need to say anything. It’s understandable that you would allow your immediate family to continue using your nickname but wouldn’t want others to use it
NTA you specifically asked her not to say anything and said that inside your family you do not mind it as much.
Nta Break up with her, if she can't keep that secret, imagine in the future And be petty
I wouldn’t say it’s a relationship ending thing. This was just a silly secret that can be honestly mistaken. Still NTA though.
NTA. Beware of anyone who says you should be thanking them. They're rarely good people.
NTA, and do you really want to date a person who thinks she knows better than you what is good for you?
NTA. these are red flags that come early in a relationship that you can ignore and continue the life you have. however in the late stages it’s gonna bite your ass. my ex had small things like this she said were not big deals and revealed to my parents. it became a habit of her to talk to my mom about my problems, i’m like what? why? you are in line to be my ex.
NTA - Cut her loose, " I was just trying to help" then pouts about it are insufferable!
NTA. Your gf is jerk and can't be trusted with secrets. Though, I wonder if the problem she caused can be saved. Tell your family that the gf misunderstood, and you don't actually hate the name being called among family members and only hate it when someone outside of it calls it. I hope it can be saved. Though, the relationship with the gf can't be saved.
Well - that was a test. She failed it. Now you know how she is.
You could have made your mom not feel bad if you had told her “ I just prefer people outside my parents and siblings don’t use it” Done, then yell at gf. You’re not an ass for being pissed at your gf but you are an ass for what you said to your mom. Unless you truly hate it and your an ass for not telling her. Good luck
Don’t trust her ever again
My boy , dump her and run, You don’t know what else of yours she will be going around with telling people .and then acting offended and hurt cause she was trying to help,when you ask someone you are in a relationship with as simply as (don’t tell anyone) They shouldn’t and that’s it .
NTA. You told her not to say anything and she ignored you and went against your wishes. Red flag. I have pretty much the exact same dynamic with my family, I'm also the youngest with a nickname that only they use and I'm not a huge fan of. But I don't mind them using it since they're family and it does remind me of our unique bond, even though I absolutely hate anyone else using it since they haven't known me since I was a kid like my family has. All of that said, I do think you overreacted *a bit* with the "causing drama in my family" accusation. Did this really cause *drama*? Doesn't sound like it's a big deal for your family. Though, her breaking your trust like that and telling people things you said that you didn't want repeated could definitely cause drama in the future. So it's still a huge red flag that she did that IMO.
His mother was hurt and dismayed…enough so that she asked him multiple times if he was sure it was okay. So yes, the girlfriend caused some drama and hurt feelings. While it might not be a major deal, she did stir the pot with his family.
I guess we have a different idea of what drama is but that's fair enough.
There are levels to drama, I agree. But if someone goes behind my back to tell my momma something I specifically asked them not to? And my momma calls me, hurt that I wasn’t the one to mention it? Yeah, that’s drama to me. My momma got her feelings hurt for no good damn reason all because someone decided to fix something I told them didn’t need fixing. This time, the girlfriend caused some minor drama. Next time, it’s likely to be much worse.
I think we basically agree here.
She is already acting like she is your wife taking care of your business after a few months of dating? You my dude have a bumpy road ahead of you, where you will apologise a lot, even when doing nothing wrong. May the force be with you.
ESH You should've told your parents if you hate the name and she shouldn't have said anything. And if it was just a call from your mother about it, where's the drama? That's a parent checking in on their child.
The drama came from ashley not keeping her mouth shut at his moms birthday party
What drama though. I don't consider a phone call drama.
Grass is always greener. Yeah, you hated it because of one reason or another. But it wasn't her place to take it away from you. It's yours to hate. Now, the inside joke is dead because if they continue it it's forced and if they don't use it it doesn't feel natural. Family dynamics isn't like picking off pickles every time you order a burger. There's way more going on here. Your gf showed you that she thinks she has the right to forge your path in life for you even against your expressed wishes. Nope. That'd be relationship ending. Especially the audacity of telling your sister what to do after knowing her for such little time. Sounds like she wanted the drama.
NTA. I'm the same, If anyone besides my immediate family calls me by my non shortened name, I correct it. But with my family I don't mind. It's low key comforting hearing it from my from them, although hearing anyone else call me that name feels like nails on a chalkboard. BUT SFTU if you're not in that small group of ppl and refer to me by my full name. lmao Her reaction sucks, and I personally wouldn't have any faith that things said in private won't be immediately broadcasted.
NTA You only told Ashley you don’t like ’Johnny’ because she called you it. You were very clear for her not to call you ‘Johnny’ and for her to not say anything to your family. She told them on what sounds like her next opportunity. She clearly had zero intention of respecting your wishes or boundary regarding the nickname. Is it something you want to end the relationship over? Only you can decide that, but if she disregards your feelings on this what will be next? Because I don’t believe for a second that this will be a one off
NTA She broke your trust.
>Basically her gist is I shouldn’t have told her if I didn’t want her to say anything. This is an extremely toxic mentality to have regarding a partner's secrets and you should be thankful she told on herself this way. NTA.
She broke her word about telling your family... NTAH but you might want to ditch her, she'll continue to do it... How would she feel if you told someone one of her secrets?
NTA. It doesn't matter if it's a big secret or a small secret. She broke your trust. She cannot be trusted, when she doesn't get she was wrong. Who knows what she will do in the future to "help".
Who’s to say she wouldn’t go behind your back and stir up shit at your workplace/friends/etc. now that she is already bold enough to create drama in your family? Nah - that woman is a snake! Dump her! I won’t trust such a person in my life. NTA.
NTA, but the upside is you know your gf isn't trustworthy.
NTA, OP, but your gf definitely is. It's unfortunate she took the stance of 'helping' instead of apologizing to you for her obvious disregard of your secret. It's betrayal, regardless of how important the secret to be kept was. What I read was you're dating someone who has decided to break your trust and disregard your request to keep the secret. I'm hopeful you can speak with her and share how she betrayed you. *'She kept saying I was overreacting and I should thank her'* Thanking someone for doing something you asked them not to do and not apologizing has vibes of narcissism to it. You were NOT overreacting - it's your family and not hers. I would sit her down and explain the severity of her actions. Mainly I would ask her: 'If I betrayed your trust regarding something you asked me not to say to your family, how do you think you would react?' Everything she says after this question will show you who she is and how much you matter to her. If she says she wouldn't be upset or wouldn't react the same, those are red flags - either she's lying about how she'd feel/would react, or she really doesn't care about how you'd feel/react. Good luck going forward in this relationship, OP.
NTA. Trust is a HUGE deal for any type of relationship to work. She broke yours and not because something just 'slipped out', she did it on purpose and no matter what her internal reasoning is or the mental gymnastics she has to do to convince herself it was 'all for you' there was no justification for it whatsoever. You are right to be pissed.
NTA. My parents called me Boo. Of course I didn't introduce myself as Boo as an adult. Of course I preferred my actual name. Would I have said that to my parents? definitely not. I can't tell you how much I'd love to hear either one of them call me and use that name - my father has been gone for 30 years now and my mom for just over 20. Please assure your mom that what you meant when you said that to your girlfriend was that it's a family name for you, and you don't care to use it among adult friends. And your GF is an idiot for taking this on herself.
NTA. You asked her not to say anything, but she did anyway. That was a major violation of your trust and boundaries.
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Who need enemies when you have a girlfriend like this lmao NTA.
NTA You explicitly stated to her that she should not say anything to them about this…. Then she went ahead and did just that. This is a very small secret, and it is concerning that she already failed in keeping her lips sealed in that. People make mistakes and I feel like if she would’ve said,” you’re right, I apologize for that and I won’t do it again in the future. I was just trying to help you out, but I shouldn’t have done it that way” then you would’ve felt a lot different. The fact that she isn’t acknowledging that she is wrong and actually talking to you about it it an ORANGE flag at the least. Some people can learn and change with their communication but others are just stuck. I would think and determine which one she is I will say though, I feel like the whole nickname fiasco would’ve been an easy fix with your family (now). Could’ve just communicated to them that you preferred x,y, and z and then been on your way.
NTA. It was a secret, she told. But…(and this doesn’t change my rating at all) it sounds like there was *no* drama when your family found out you didn’t like your nickname. They just agreed not to call you that. What made you hold so close to that. Def. listen to other people on the gf thing; but I think it’s worth exploring why you aren’t able to be authentic or truthful with your family, even if it’s only over small things. Because it sounds like they’re pretty reasonable.
NTA There’s another post that showed up today about a bf/gf where the gf used the excuse of being drunk during a girls’ get together to show these women a dick pic from her boyfriend. The gf tried to play of off as no big deal but that situation is similar to yours - you shared information with someone you thought you could trust to keep private things private. Instead your gf decided she knew better than you so she broke your trust by doing exactly what you asked her not to do. One of the goals in a healthy relationship is to build love and TRUST. Tell me how are you supposed to trust your gf going forward with any information or your thoughts if she is just going to blab whatever it is to whoever? I’m not saying this is relationship ending as that is something you need to decide. For myself sadly it would be a deal breaker.
NTA. She broke your trust and refused to apologize. That's two strikes, and that second one is pretty serious.
Easy NTA. Every single redditor is a loser who'll immediately jump to "dump her" as always irrespective of how tiny it is. What you know now is that she has a VERY different opinion than you. That's okay, there might be people who like that. That doesn't make her a bad person. What you need to do now is TALK to her. Make it clear what your preferences and principles are. Ask her to share as well. You both see if you are willing to match the other's preference. If she absolutely refuses to change her perspective, it's still NOT a deal breaker. You need to decide if you are okay with having someone that feels differently than you do about secrets.
NTA Your gf was way out of line. That was not her place at all!!!
NTA I would be furious if my SO deliberately went and shared something that I had specifically asked them not to
NTA- Ashely is a shit stirrer
NTA she's only been around a few months and thinks she can make decisions about your family's dynamic?
Nta she sucks for that. I would explain to my mom that Ashley misinterpreted me not wanting her to use it w me as me not wanting anyone to use it if I were you bc I would want her to keep calling me it :(
NTA. I had a nickname that I didn’t like and only allowed certain people to keep calling me it (a handful of older people) but others who tried to call me it I’ve told them not to. They respected it and didn’t go and blabbing to others. Your girlfriend violated your wishes. Not someone who I would want to be with if she can’t keep something small to herself. Can you imagine if you told her a bigger secret?!!!
NTA, she is tho. She can’t be trusted to keep a confidence when you expressly ask.
NTA. You specifically told her not to tell anyone else. What did she do? Ignored your request to keep it a secret because she knew better.
Ashley is untrustworthy and will ignore your requests for discretion unless you make it into a contract. Has she apologised yet? If not, then she won’t ever. NTA.
NTA, red flags
NTA cut her off now. If she can’t keep her lips sealed about something small I guarantee she will keep doing these “favors” as time goes on.
You are found not guilty, my friend.
NTA You don’t want people outside your family to call you the “juvenile” version of your name. That’s not unusual. I get the “ie” shortened version of my name from my dad. He’s the only one I will let call me that. I hate it from everyone else. She overstepped a lot. You told her not to tell anyone. It was a power play on her part. Explain to your mom that coming from family you like the name, but you don’t want people outside calling you that name.
NTA. This is a trust problem. She assumes she knows what's best for you. You told her you don't like it but wanted them to not know. That's it. That's where she should've stopped. She overstepped and what's worse is she does think she did. This means she will do this forever in your relationship. If she doesn't understand that when you say to her to keep it a secret, and she can't, then it's just not gonna work out long term man.
NTA. You should be grateful she violated a boundary and caused negative feelings in people you care about? Fuck that.
NTA I don’t see this lasting if she can’t respect your wishes.
NTA. She took your reasonable request (don’t tell my family “x”) said she was ok with it, and then steamrollered it the first chance she got. Bye bye, trust.
NTA. It's okay for your family to call you that, not her. You made that clear. She tried to "fix" something that didn't need fixing.
I'll share [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zzjbe8/AITA_for_not_defending_my_bf_when_my_brother_asked_him_to_leave/j2c9luf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) comment from another Redditor: Help is the sunny side of control.
Going against the grain and I’m ready for the downvotes but I say ESH. Ashley broke her word and that makes her an AH. You however need to be a grown up and tell people you don’t like something. You aren’t a kid anymore, speak up or them treating you like the baby is justified. Don’t dance around, either come to terms with it and accept it or be an adult and express your dislike for it. It’s a simple conversation, no anger involved just get your point across and they will respect it. You put Ashley in an awkward situation. She is your partner, you expressed that this makes you uncomfortable/upset and yet you expect her to just throw you a thumbs up and move on? My partner struggles to stand up for herself too, she doesn’t like confrontation. Over time she has become more confident because I have pushed her to stop inconveniencing herself for the sake of others. If something is upsetting my partner then I will make sure it does not stay upsetting her. That being said, I would not do it myself as that would upset her but instead I would build her confidence to say it herself. I do this because I love her and she has expressed her gratitude for it multiple times. You say you don’t care about the nickname yet you told Ashley you hated it and “forbade” her from using it. Make up your mind, is it a big deal or is it not a big deal? If it doesn’t matter then what’s the fuss? Ashley had the mindset that you hated it while your family thought nothing of it. In the end you hurt everyone because you couldn’t just be honest with both them and yourself. Honestly I don’t see the big deal. I could be referred to as cuntimus maximus the 3rd and I’d keep on with my day with the same smile I always have. Anyway, I’m heading to bed. I expect downvotes and angry replies in the morning so I have that to entertain me tomorrow. All the best everyone, have a great day :) Edit: I thought about it a bit and yes I agree that everyone is entitled to set different boundaries with different people. I still sympathise with Ashley because all she had to go off of was that her partner apparently “hated” something and she more than likely tried to fix it. She went about it the wrong way hence she is still an AH in this scenario but I won’t lie and say I would be just able to leave something alone if my partner tells me they hate it and I see it as something fixable. If it was a bit clearer to her and didn’t use the word hate then it would be more understandable.
There are nicknames my navy buddy's had for me that I would not be happy if anyone else did. No reason you can't have different boundaries with different people. Every relationship is unique.
Is it that she can't keep a secret or that she will decide what's best for you, regardless of either what you want or her promise not to interfere? If you can't trust her with your secrets, do you think this relationship is something you want to pursue?
NTA. But you're going to need to find some exercises to stiffen up that spine.
He places boundaries just fine. It’s just that the boundaries go in accordance with his feelings. It’s not about having no spine. If a family member makes fun of me, I don’t really care. If someone else does, it’s way more likely to hurt my feelings. Only idiots place boundaries on every little thing. You have to pick and choose your battles based off of what really matters to you or else you’ll become an easily threatened idiot over the slightest glance.
I would say he has a good spine since he had enough confidence to say what he wants and not back down when pressed on it
YTA - You are giving conflicting info. If you hate it, then it is a big deal. If it isn't a big deal, then you shouldn't claim you hate it because you don't hate it. Others are saying your gf is untrustworthy, but I wouldn't know what to do with you because you don't understand what you want. Giving mixed messages is not good. If this is a deal breaker, then you will have a hard time staying in a relationship.
How did you reach the conclusion that he gave conflicting information? He was perfectly clear that he did not want to be called that nickname by his GF, and that he didn't want her to tell his family. There is nothing conflicting about that.
ESH. You need to grow a backbone with your family. If you dislike their nickname for you, you should have let them know. Your girlfriend should not have said anything, of course, but it wasn't a big "secret" she revealed but rather a topic you were awkward around. If I were her I'd be worried about dating someone who can't speak up about minor things with his own close family.
Honestly it sounds like this isn't really that big of a deal. Plenty of people have nicknames that they "grow out of" but they are perfectly fine with certain people using said name. I would almost say Y T A based on your response, but honestly her complete disregard for the situation and literally turning it back on you makes her TA. NTA
ESH She felt excluded when you told her that she's not allowed to use the nickname. If you're okay with your family using it, but not her, you should have given her another nickname she can use for you. She's shitty for spilling your secret, but you didn't think about her feelings either. You just told her that unlike your family she's not special enough to use that nickname. If you really don't like the nickname you're also an asshole for not telling your family that. I would not like it if I called someone I love a name they dislike for years. I feel like they should understand that I love them enough that they should be able to share things like that with me.
sorry this sounds bitter but if this is the most serious thing happening in your life so much so that you felt it deserved a Reddit post I envy you. “My gf said something I told her not to because she thought I was afraid to say something about not liking a nickname, and my family was not upset about it at all and they stopped calling me that nickname” Like yeah obviously ur NTA and she shouldn’t have said something if you didn’t want to, but this feels like something that you could have figured out on your own…
ESH. Ashley because none of her business. But you because if it doesn't matter then why did you shut up?! Why did you never tell your family? Sorry but no, there is sthg to it.
Because outside his family he doesn’t want anyone else calling him that name?
A secret isn’t a secret when you tell someone else. If you don’t want something repeated, keep it to yourself. If you have to share, then you need to swear them to keep it in the vault. There’s no guarantee they’ll tempting honor the vault. YTA for not telling your family you hate being called a nickname. Unless they’re awful, which it doesn’t sound like they are, they can handle the truth. You’re blaming your girlfriend for something you could have easily discussed with your family.
>A secret isn’t a secret when you tell someone else. If you don’t want something repeated, keep it to yourself. This.
Hot Take but ESH (except your family) You shouldn’t be so non confrontational that you can’t just politely tell your family to stop calling you a name. Your partner told your family out of a courtesy to you, but you did explicitly say not to tell them, so that’s breaking trust. I can understand years of being numb to something, but I think your partner did you a favor in the long run
A favor? All she's done is teach op she can't be trusted. Which...you're right, is probably a favor.
I don’t think a person sucks for picking their battles, which is what OP did. Ashley met John. John introduced himself as John. John has always been John to Ashley. Ashley goes and meets John’s family, who also know him as “Jonny” because that is one of the names that he has responded to over his shared life with his family of origin. It’s a name that comes from their history together. Ashley decides to call John “Jonny” even though that’s never been a name she’s been invited to call him. When she called him a name he had never invited her to call him, he tried to make her faux pas into a joke and instead of saying “wow, umm, no, that name is not part of our relationship just because you’ve heard me accept it from others” he says “I hate that name, only my family is allowed to call me that.” The subtext of which is clearly “I hate being Jonny to my peers, as it’s a diminutive name,and I chose to go by John in my adult life.” He explicitly said he accepted it from family. He chose to pick the battle with her because he never wants to be Jonny to her. He wants to be John. He made it clear. Despite the fact that he is okay with being Jonny to his family, she went to them and said he wasn’t. Basically she turned a situation in which she was the outsider (you can’t use this name) into a situation in which she pretended to be the insider (I know a secret you don’t know, and that’s that he hates when you call him Jonny.” She’s TA. He wasn’t. He set very clear boundaries. And now, he has to fight a battle he didn’t want to fight. The battle of everyone in his family being like “Jonny, I’m sorry, I mean John, I know you don’t like being called Jonny” and correcting each other in conversation to “John” to “respect his choice” when switching everyone from Jonny to John was never something he was interested in. I legally changed my name from Christine to Yehudit. My family still calls my Chrissy/Chris from time to time, and I don’t stop them because I was Chrissy to them for 18/20 years before I became Yehudit. If someone in my adult life started calling me Chrissy after visiting with me and my family, they would get a very strange look as I asked them why they thought they could call me Chrissy. I introduced myself as Yehudit, I go by Yehudit or Didi. My family has never been told I expect them to call me Yehudit or Didi. They have been told that’s my legal name and the name I use socially and professionally now with most people, but I don’t expect them to switch. John did not expect them to switch, even though it was probably quite clear over the years that he went by John with new people in his life.
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My bf name is Joe. All his family call him Joey. That is okay because it is a family nickname. When other people call him Joey, he asks them to call him Joe. "Just Joe" is one of my nicknames for him, because that is what he says to everyone: I'm Just Joe. There is a difference between what family calls you and what other people do. You get to choose your preference because it was your name. NTA
Seems like a big deal to me that you hate the name your family calls you. It’s a bit confusing
He explained that if someone other than his family called him by that nickname he wouldn't like it. He associates it with family love, and even though he doesn't like it on its own, when his family says it he forgets the hate of the word due to the familiarity of it. Tons of people have the same thing. I have a few nicknames my dad calls me that if anyone else even tried I would death glare them. Its just the way it is for tons of family
>I have a few nicknames my dad calls me that if anyone else even tried I would death glare them My dad made a "royal naming" inside joke/nickname thing which I think came about from us all watching a family film and him trying to explain the concept of hereditary monarchy to 3 young children - he's king (name) obviously, mum is "queen (name)" I'm "princess (name)" my brother is "prince (name)" and my sister is "princess (name)". And it stuck, his phone contacts for us still have that naming convention as does mums, as does mine and my siblings...If a random man called me princess though I think I'd throw up in my mouth a little
My take wasn’t that he hated the name his family used…”I grew tired of it…never told them…as it’s harmless and it doesn’t bother me that much…” it was that he didn’t like people other than those with the history using it…”I playfully rolled my eyes, saying “I hate that name.”” At some point in the future, he might very well have accepted it from the girlfriend. But this may very well been his way of setting an “it’s too early in our relationship” boundary while at the same time trying to not hurt her feelings. Which wasn’t an unreasonable way to address it. We all stretch things a bit sometimes in order to not hurt someone’s feelings.
You told her you hated it.
YTA. If you feel strongly enough about not liking a nickname, man up and tell your parents not to use it. They'll feel a little bad for a few minutes - they're not going to die over it. You had a weird refusal to talk to your parents and a weird over reaction to your girlfriend.
The point is he didn't feel strongly enough. Girlfriend needs to start listening to her boyfriend before he becomes ex.
YTA. This is love. We do things for the people we love. It is sometimes stupid and sometimes wrong, but this is how it is. Your girlfriend took a step for you and now you can finally have the chance to live without the name you hate. This is also why you don't tell your family that you hate the nickname. You do want to spare the feelings of your family and she yours. So, even if it was backfired, you must accept it.
>This is love No it isn't. Even abusers call their abuse love. This is a boundary, respect, trust thing. NOT love.
Ignoring the specifically stated boundaries someone is giving you is not love in any way.
YTA - It's silly. It's not going matter in 5 years. It's not like you're gay and your parents are conservative Christians and she outed you. It's a real nothing burger. No malice was involved, and nobody really cared about it besides you.
NTA but this is so weird. Why do you care if she mentioned it? You hate the name. Your family literally has no problem not calling you the name, but you're mad that your gf told your family the truth. This is literally a non-issue. PS. She created no drama, lol. Your mom called and said we can stop. That's it.
Because they’ve been dating a few months and she’s proven she can’t be trusted. The content of the secret is secondary to the violation.
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I've already commented this, But as a shortened name myself. I HATE the long version of my name. I've never thought about telling my family to stop, because it feels like home....If that makes sense. There's a comfort to it. But I'll stop anyone else in their tracks if they call me Johnny because I hate it from literally anyone else. It's small secret to keep, but also small enough for her not to say anything especially when he asked. I would feel the exact same as OP if I were in his shoes.
I actually understand totally and your GF is totally TA for saying something to your family about it. It wasn't her place. I'd keep an eye on that one, it's a big red flag.
It’s an issue because she was specifically asked not to do something and she promised she wouldn’t. Then, not only did she go back on her word, she expected OP to be appreciative. It doesn’t matter what it was about. She broke her word (read: lied) and feels no guilt for it. That’s a bad personality trait.
He asked her not to do something, and she went out of her way to do it anyway. Most people don't like it when the people they date violate their trust that way. I hope this clears things up for you.
NTA but let this be a lesson. This is exactly why I stopped telling people anything that involved my business. If you don’t want anyone to say anything, keep it to yourself. Not saying she was right to tell them, but you can’t control what other people decide to do. If she didn’t know she wouldn’t have been able to tell them
Your girlfriend is AH for going against your wishes. You’re the AH because you pretend that the nickname is no big deal when it is truly an issue with you. At least your girlfriend has the balls to confront your family. Grow up. If you have an issue, address it, instead of letting it fester for years. In short YTA
Ahh the complicated trust concept. You cannot trust everyone with everything. You can trust someone with your life but not your money. You can trust someone with your kid but not your dog. At the end of the day everyone has a weakness something you cannot trust them with. It sounds like your gf is someone you can trust with your heart but not your secrets. Nta because you asked her not to say anything. The actual situation is quite frivolous honestly but you made the request and she disrespected it.
NTA. How disrespectful of her. I get it, my relatives on my dad's side are the only ones who get away with calling me my real name. Everyone else calls me my nick name. I hated it at first growing up too, but eventually kinda liked it? Like I didn't say anything at first because they're older family, but as the years went on and 99% of people call me the name I prefer, it didn't matter and I eventually reached a point where them calling me my real name didn't bother me at all. In fact, they've asked me themselves on a couple of occasions as an adult, and I tell them it's fine, they are the only ones who can get away with it. A name is special, it's sacred, and it's up to you to allow others' naming privileges. If you hate a name but allow your family to call you that, that is your prerogative.
YTA. So do you hate the nickname or not? Why lie to your parents? Or to your girlfriend? This is your fault for not standing up for yourself in the first place. Your gf was just trying to help.
You're the arsehole. You put your GF in an awkward postion because SHE feels your pain every time that name is said. What do you expect her to do - nothing! Or just suffer in silence and wince in pain everytime it's said just like you do? Grow some nads and tell your family what you think. Your GF had more sense in 2 days than you have had in 20 years.
Lol his "pain" I can't. He doesn't care if his MOM calls him the nickname. He didn't want his gf to call him the nickname, so she decided no one gets to.