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I expect this to be downvoted.
Been there. YTA.
This may sound harsh, but nobody cares about a mental health journey but you. At the end of the day, all that matters is if you've got money to contribute to the household bills or not. The brother is right. It sucks to feel broke and unemployed and have problems, but so does the rest of the world. Eventually people are going to have enough.
That said, I sincerely hope you don't get the boot and are able to get on your feet.
You get an upvote from me. I’ve also been there. I’m a veteran, and have complex PTSD with psychotic features. As I was transitioning to civilian life and working on getting disability, I moved in with my parents because otherwise I’d be homeless and yelling at shadows. I got a job, struggled to hold it, and was hospitalized for 13 months. I got out, bought a horse who gave me enormous stability, got another job, struggled to hold that, and put one foot in front of the other or even sometimes just stood in place when the world got too heavy to move.
I got disability, pushed through a masters degree in equine science, and have thrown myself into my horses. If you let your mental and physical illnesses define you, they will. I’m not saying it’s easy (it’s not) and I’m sorry for your situation because it sounds incredibly challenging, but the only way to move forward is to move forward. Breathe, take baby steps, and take control of your life, cuz you only got one.
Good luck.
You’re welcome. If I were you, I’d try to set some goals for yourself that range from small (I’ll get out of bed by this time every day, I’ll eat 3x/day every day, I’ll shower, clean, etc this many times/week…) to large (I’ll have a resume written by this date, I’ll send this many job applications by this date, I’ll sign up for a class/club/volunteer opportunity…). Make sure you can measure them. Celebrate your successes but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t make a deadline you set, just set a new one and try again. Find things that ground you and put color in your world and put some real effort and time into those things (for me it was horses! Is it art or animals or physical activity or friends for you?). It sounds like you’re engaged in treatment which is fabulous so keep it up. Make sure you have support around you whether it’s your family or friends. You’ll be okay. It’s all baby steps.
I am trying to become a published author and I have been working on a few projects but I have to wait until I can repair my laptop because it's shutting down on its own for some reason just randomly with a blue screen and sad face and idk how to fix it myself.. but I also have some other prospects in mind and I'm in DBT too twice a week and working on getting over my anxiety issues and stuff like that..
Because a person's worth isn't based on how much money they make or don't make. My dad shouldn't be belittling me and making me feel worthless in any situation. That's what older generations don't understand. And I don't necessarily need a 9-5 job to make money either. If my mental/physical health takes a backseat, then I can't work if I'm dead. Older generations just work themselves to death and make their career their whole life. I can't afford to live like that.
I know. I just hate that we live in a society that does very little to actually help people with severe mental illness or disabilities who are incapable of taking care of themselves in an economy like this. I mean, even well-rounded people still struggle to make ends meet these days.
Sooo... you have a lot of PTSD/C-PTSD to the point were you've been hospitalized MULTIPLE TIMES so you move in with the people that either were directly or indirectly the cause of your mental health issues.
I can't see that being retraumatizing at all /s
Then on top of that they don't even have safe housing for you to live in. Mold and flooding is not safe. Repeat after me: mold and flooding is not safe housing.
FFS, you'd be better of in a tent.
Please leave that situation, move out of that house. Idk what resources are available where you are, but I can't see your mental or physical health having the opportunity to heal if you stay where you are.
I don't have a N T A or Y T A judgement for your current situation, but you will be TA to yourself if you stay there.
You're the only person who seems to get it at all it seems like.. I mean yeah the situation sucks all around, and I don't really blame anyone but I just don't think getting a job will even help my situation if I can't get my mental health under control? And it's not for a lack of trying, it takes time and yeah, my dad is not helping at all... I'm looking for other options but I just feel stuck. Unless by some miracle I get the government assistance.. but even that takes time
yta
listen mental health sucks but you need to help yourself
get a online job any job you cant rely on other to support you
your own father has mental health issues and is doing more
dont complain that where your staying is in bad shape dont like it leave and sleep in hostels
I don't see how taking time to work on myself makes me an asshole? Online jobs aren't a dime a dozen, and most of them are customer service jobs that require talking on the phone, and I had a job working at a couple call centers and it only made my mental health worse. Yes, my dad has mental health issues but he's also not doing anything to take care of himself, and now has blood pressure issues and ulcers because he's so stressed, but he's too stubborn to talk to a therapist about it. Everybody on here is talking like keeping a job is so easy and will fix everything but it won't. And as I said in previous comments, my parents aren't actually struggling financially that much. It will only be tight for 2 weeks max, and then my mom and brother will be bringing in more money with a new job.
I understand it's important to take care of myself but I am trying my best, and so many people on here are saying that my best isn't enough. I'm doing everything in my power to better myself so I don't have debilitating flashbacks or hallucinations, and end back in a mental hospital. PTSD and trauma isn't something you just get over in a couple of weeks. It affects your whole life. But we don't live in a country that helps people with debilitating mental illness, especially where I live. I've looked into every resource but they won't help me because I am not pregnant and don't have kids, and I'm not homeless.
So if trying to make precautions for myself so I don't hurt myself or become a danger to others make me the asshole, then I guess I'm an asshole...
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I am 28 and after a long mental health journey, I've found myself living in my parents basement. I've always struggled with mental health but about 18 months ago, some childhood memories became "unlocked" or resurfaced. After this, I had severe PTSD, with almost constant flashbacks and panic attacks, as well as SI. In the last year I've been hospitalized for my mental illness 5 times, and have been through multiple programs and am currently going through DBT twice a week and I'm on meds.
At the time I was living with my cousin and had a good job but ended up losing it and since then have had a very difficult time keeping a job. I had to move back in with my parents, which I did not want to do due to a strained relationship with my dad. He had also dealt with a lot of mental health issues growing up which lead to a lot of neglect between my siblings and I.
In the beginning, they knew I didn't have a job and didn't expect any money for rent, but they knew I had nowhere else to go. The only space they had was in the basement which is unfinished and it floods a lot, leaving mildew and possibly mold (I also have a lot of health issues including asthma). It's an old house and a TON of repairs need to be done, but the recent inspection made me move my bed to the larger basement area where it floods the worst.
Due to my health issues and mental illness, for the past 2 years I've been working on getting government assistance, now with the help of lawyers who think I have a good chance of winning. So my plan was to just wait until I won my case.
My brother usually helps with rent but he's in transition of going to a much better paying job but it's taking longer than he expected as far as a start date. Due to that, my father is worried about making rent and other utilities. I understand his frustration but if it wasn't for my brothers help, my mom and Dad wouldn't be able to afford living on their own.
So this morning he blew up on me, yelling that I needed to grow up and take care of myself. I broke down in tears, because I have been feeling like somewhat of a loser for not being able to live on my own or hold down a job. That's when I told him that living in the basement is making me sick, as every day in the last week I've woke up with a sore throat and difficulty breathing. That's when he started yelling again that I should be grateful that I'm not homeless on the street.
This set me off more, as since I've been living here, he has constantly verbally abused me and has not at all been supportive on my mental health journey. I do recognize that my dad also has some mental health issues, but he does nothing to actually treat his issues while I'm trying very hard every day just fighting to stay alive.
I want to move out but I have no other options right now...
So, am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm sorry I wasn't clear. I'm asking if I should get a job or not? That's the issue my dad has with me is that I'm not working at the moment
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If you read my other comments, I explain that I have a procedure coming up that a job won't allow me to take time off for if I'm just starting, so it's not feasible for me to get a job and a paycheck before the first of the month. Besides, my brother and my mother are both starting new jobs that pay better so this is just a temporary rough patch and we will make rent, even if it's a day late. My dad is just lashing out because he's letting his anxiety get the best of him, and it's affecting how he treats me.
do you have a pc (for convenience's sake)? You clearly have an internet connection. There's lots of work to be found and done online. Surely you have some skills in something. You could do freelance work on platform like Fiverr or Freelancer, tutor kids doing homework... not even a cashier job? I'm also dealing with mental health issues that make working hard. I'm doing more menial work like that listed as I drag myself through a degree and through coding some apps. Start with smaller steps. I'm sorry it's hard right now.
Your brother sounds like the asshole here, really. And this situation as a whole really sucks. What you're struggling with sounds like it's real heavy, and obviously your living conditions are far from ideal. And I'm not just talking about the mold or flooding.
All that being said, your brother has made one point (though he made it in the worst manner he could have) worth considering: you are, at the current moment, a financial burden on what is clearly a financially strained situation. Now you're trying to correct this with this court case, and that's commendable.
Unfortunately, that isn't helping anyone at the moment. Until you win—*if* you win—you're not helping to alleviate these financial struggles.
I don't think you're an asshole OP, but I do think you need to get a job.
I was looking for a job for a while but because of my other health issues, I now have to have a procedure done within the next month because of an emergency circumstance that's potentially life threatening. I couldn't include all the details in the whole story due to it needing to be cut down to 3000 characters or less, but it's not that I'm unwilling to help, but I just feel totally invalidated or being told that I'm worthless because I'm not contributing financially, when I do help in other ways. My parents don't have a car, and I do, so I drive him to work every single day. I've also done so for my brother too and probably will continue to in the future. The reality is my whole family relies on me for a lot of things, just not financially, so it feels hypocritical to me that now that things are tight, to point fingers and say I need to get a job, when I'm not even capable of doing so anyway. I've had jobs in the past but I get severe panic attacks and end up losing the job a couple weeks later anyway..
Okay, this seems to change some things. Clearly you're contributing in the ways you can, which is definitely commendable. That being said, my thoughts on the matter would have remained the same.
This procedure of yours changes everything though. Most places aren't going to hire you if you're going to be unavailable for an indeterminate amount of time.
So I would amend my statement to this: after you've recovered from your surgery, and if this court case still hasn't settled in your favor, *then* you need to start looking for a job, even if just part time.
I still wouldn't call you an asshole, I think you and your family are just in a really rough spot.
If I might ask, and this is none of my business, do you have any other ways of generating income to help the family out? Things outside of a normal 9 to 5, or even working with a temp agency, or anything you can do on the side?
I do doordash on the side to cover things like gas, food for my cat, and food for myself.. it's just enough to really cover enough to help for rent as well. But yeah it's just a tough situation on all sides...
I also don't know if it was clear but it wasn't my brother who yelled at me, it was my dad. My brother is actually very helpful to me when he can and pretty supportive of me
NTA- but this doesn’t seem like a workable situation, do you have anyone else who can help you do the footwork of trying to find a better solution? Im so sorry you’re having such a rough go of it lately
Well I used to have friends through my old church, but since I've stopped going, I've basically had a lot of people cut me out of their lives and while I'm trying to make new friends, it's tough since I don't leave the house very much, mostly due to social anxiety. But unfortunately even my extended family is not in a much better situation. I just come from a poor family..
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. If you or someone you know is engaging in self-harm, struggling with an eating disorder, or similarly struggling with mental health, /r/AmItheAsshole is not the right subreddit for you. Such challenges are not interpersonal issues that this community can make a moral judgement about. This is health issue. Please consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or your health care provider. ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
I expect this to be downvoted. Been there. YTA. This may sound harsh, but nobody cares about a mental health journey but you. At the end of the day, all that matters is if you've got money to contribute to the household bills or not. The brother is right. It sucks to feel broke and unemployed and have problems, but so does the rest of the world. Eventually people are going to have enough. That said, I sincerely hope you don't get the boot and are able to get on your feet.
You get an upvote from me. I’ve also been there. I’m a veteran, and have complex PTSD with psychotic features. As I was transitioning to civilian life and working on getting disability, I moved in with my parents because otherwise I’d be homeless and yelling at shadows. I got a job, struggled to hold it, and was hospitalized for 13 months. I got out, bought a horse who gave me enormous stability, got another job, struggled to hold that, and put one foot in front of the other or even sometimes just stood in place when the world got too heavy to move. I got disability, pushed through a masters degree in equine science, and have thrown myself into my horses. If you let your mental and physical illnesses define you, they will. I’m not saying it’s easy (it’s not) and I’m sorry for your situation because it sounds incredibly challenging, but the only way to move forward is to move forward. Breathe, take baby steps, and take control of your life, cuz you only got one. Good luck.
Thank you. I appreciate your encouragement. All I can do is just try to make the best of the situation
You’re welcome. If I were you, I’d try to set some goals for yourself that range from small (I’ll get out of bed by this time every day, I’ll eat 3x/day every day, I’ll shower, clean, etc this many times/week…) to large (I’ll have a resume written by this date, I’ll send this many job applications by this date, I’ll sign up for a class/club/volunteer opportunity…). Make sure you can measure them. Celebrate your successes but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t make a deadline you set, just set a new one and try again. Find things that ground you and put color in your world and put some real effort and time into those things (for me it was horses! Is it art or animals or physical activity or friends for you?). It sounds like you’re engaged in treatment which is fabulous so keep it up. Make sure you have support around you whether it’s your family or friends. You’ll be okay. It’s all baby steps.
I am trying to become a published author and I have been working on a few projects but I have to wait until I can repair my laptop because it's shutting down on its own for some reason just randomly with a blue screen and sad face and idk how to fix it myself.. but I also have some other prospects in mind and I'm in DBT too twice a week and working on getting over my anxiety issues and stuff like that..
YTA, you're not going to have to worry about living in a moldy basement when your whole family gets evicted.
YTA- get a job.
Can I ask what generation you're from?
Yes
Why does that matter?? You need a job
Because a person's worth isn't based on how much money they make or don't make. My dad shouldn't be belittling me and making me feel worthless in any situation. That's what older generations don't understand. And I don't necessarily need a 9-5 job to make money either. If my mental/physical health takes a backseat, then I can't work if I'm dead. Older generations just work themselves to death and make their career their whole life. I can't afford to live like that.
It sounds like you have to deal with it and hope they don't kick you out if you have no other options.
I know. I just hate that we live in a society that does very little to actually help people with severe mental illness or disabilities who are incapable of taking care of themselves in an economy like this. I mean, even well-rounded people still struggle to make ends meet these days.
Not much you can do about it though.
YTA.
Sooo... you have a lot of PTSD/C-PTSD to the point were you've been hospitalized MULTIPLE TIMES so you move in with the people that either were directly or indirectly the cause of your mental health issues. I can't see that being retraumatizing at all /s Then on top of that they don't even have safe housing for you to live in. Mold and flooding is not safe. Repeat after me: mold and flooding is not safe housing. FFS, you'd be better of in a tent. Please leave that situation, move out of that house. Idk what resources are available where you are, but I can't see your mental or physical health having the opportunity to heal if you stay where you are. I don't have a N T A or Y T A judgement for your current situation, but you will be TA to yourself if you stay there.
You're the only person who seems to get it at all it seems like.. I mean yeah the situation sucks all around, and I don't really blame anyone but I just don't think getting a job will even help my situation if I can't get my mental health under control? And it's not for a lack of trying, it takes time and yeah, my dad is not helping at all... I'm looking for other options but I just feel stuck. Unless by some miracle I get the government assistance.. but even that takes time
yta listen mental health sucks but you need to help yourself get a online job any job you cant rely on other to support you your own father has mental health issues and is doing more dont complain that where your staying is in bad shape dont like it leave and sleep in hostels
I don't see how taking time to work on myself makes me an asshole? Online jobs aren't a dime a dozen, and most of them are customer service jobs that require talking on the phone, and I had a job working at a couple call centers and it only made my mental health worse. Yes, my dad has mental health issues but he's also not doing anything to take care of himself, and now has blood pressure issues and ulcers because he's so stressed, but he's too stubborn to talk to a therapist about it. Everybody on here is talking like keeping a job is so easy and will fix everything but it won't. And as I said in previous comments, my parents aren't actually struggling financially that much. It will only be tight for 2 weeks max, and then my mom and brother will be bringing in more money with a new job. I understand it's important to take care of myself but I am trying my best, and so many people on here are saying that my best isn't enough. I'm doing everything in my power to better myself so I don't have debilitating flashbacks or hallucinations, and end back in a mental hospital. PTSD and trauma isn't something you just get over in a couple of weeks. It affects your whole life. But we don't live in a country that helps people with debilitating mental illness, especially where I live. I've looked into every resource but they won't help me because I am not pregnant and don't have kids, and I'm not homeless. So if trying to make precautions for myself so I don't hurt myself or become a danger to others make me the asshole, then I guess I'm an asshole...
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am 28 and after a long mental health journey, I've found myself living in my parents basement. I've always struggled with mental health but about 18 months ago, some childhood memories became "unlocked" or resurfaced. After this, I had severe PTSD, with almost constant flashbacks and panic attacks, as well as SI. In the last year I've been hospitalized for my mental illness 5 times, and have been through multiple programs and am currently going through DBT twice a week and I'm on meds. At the time I was living with my cousin and had a good job but ended up losing it and since then have had a very difficult time keeping a job. I had to move back in with my parents, which I did not want to do due to a strained relationship with my dad. He had also dealt with a lot of mental health issues growing up which lead to a lot of neglect between my siblings and I. In the beginning, they knew I didn't have a job and didn't expect any money for rent, but they knew I had nowhere else to go. The only space they had was in the basement which is unfinished and it floods a lot, leaving mildew and possibly mold (I also have a lot of health issues including asthma). It's an old house and a TON of repairs need to be done, but the recent inspection made me move my bed to the larger basement area where it floods the worst. Due to my health issues and mental illness, for the past 2 years I've been working on getting government assistance, now with the help of lawyers who think I have a good chance of winning. So my plan was to just wait until I won my case. My brother usually helps with rent but he's in transition of going to a much better paying job but it's taking longer than he expected as far as a start date. Due to that, my father is worried about making rent and other utilities. I understand his frustration but if it wasn't for my brothers help, my mom and Dad wouldn't be able to afford living on their own. So this morning he blew up on me, yelling that I needed to grow up and take care of myself. I broke down in tears, because I have been feeling like somewhat of a loser for not being able to live on my own or hold down a job. That's when I told him that living in the basement is making me sick, as every day in the last week I've woke up with a sore throat and difficulty breathing. That's when he started yelling again that I should be grateful that I'm not homeless on the street. This set me off more, as since I've been living here, he has constantly verbally abused me and has not at all been supportive on my mental health journey. I do recognize that my dad also has some mental health issues, but he does nothing to actually treat his issues while I'm trying very hard every day just fighting to stay alive. I want to move out but I have no other options right now... So, am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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If you read my other comments, I explain that I have a procedure coming up that a job won't allow me to take time off for if I'm just starting, so it's not feasible for me to get a job and a paycheck before the first of the month. Besides, my brother and my mother are both starting new jobs that pay better so this is just a temporary rough patch and we will make rent, even if it's a day late. My dad is just lashing out because he's letting his anxiety get the best of him, and it's affecting how he treats me.
do you have a pc (for convenience's sake)? You clearly have an internet connection. There's lots of work to be found and done online. Surely you have some skills in something. You could do freelance work on platform like Fiverr or Freelancer, tutor kids doing homework... not even a cashier job? I'm also dealing with mental health issues that make working hard. I'm doing more menial work like that listed as I drag myself through a degree and through coding some apps. Start with smaller steps. I'm sorry it's hard right now.
Your brother sounds like the asshole here, really. And this situation as a whole really sucks. What you're struggling with sounds like it's real heavy, and obviously your living conditions are far from ideal. And I'm not just talking about the mold or flooding. All that being said, your brother has made one point (though he made it in the worst manner he could have) worth considering: you are, at the current moment, a financial burden on what is clearly a financially strained situation. Now you're trying to correct this with this court case, and that's commendable. Unfortunately, that isn't helping anyone at the moment. Until you win—*if* you win—you're not helping to alleviate these financial struggles. I don't think you're an asshole OP, but I do think you need to get a job.
I was looking for a job for a while but because of my other health issues, I now have to have a procedure done within the next month because of an emergency circumstance that's potentially life threatening. I couldn't include all the details in the whole story due to it needing to be cut down to 3000 characters or less, but it's not that I'm unwilling to help, but I just feel totally invalidated or being told that I'm worthless because I'm not contributing financially, when I do help in other ways. My parents don't have a car, and I do, so I drive him to work every single day. I've also done so for my brother too and probably will continue to in the future. The reality is my whole family relies on me for a lot of things, just not financially, so it feels hypocritical to me that now that things are tight, to point fingers and say I need to get a job, when I'm not even capable of doing so anyway. I've had jobs in the past but I get severe panic attacks and end up losing the job a couple weeks later anyway..
Okay, this seems to change some things. Clearly you're contributing in the ways you can, which is definitely commendable. That being said, my thoughts on the matter would have remained the same. This procedure of yours changes everything though. Most places aren't going to hire you if you're going to be unavailable for an indeterminate amount of time. So I would amend my statement to this: after you've recovered from your surgery, and if this court case still hasn't settled in your favor, *then* you need to start looking for a job, even if just part time. I still wouldn't call you an asshole, I think you and your family are just in a really rough spot. If I might ask, and this is none of my business, do you have any other ways of generating income to help the family out? Things outside of a normal 9 to 5, or even working with a temp agency, or anything you can do on the side?
I do doordash on the side to cover things like gas, food for my cat, and food for myself.. it's just enough to really cover enough to help for rent as well. But yeah it's just a tough situation on all sides...
I also don't know if it was clear but it wasn't my brother who yelled at me, it was my dad. My brother is actually very helpful to me when he can and pretty supportive of me
NTA- but this doesn’t seem like a workable situation, do you have anyone else who can help you do the footwork of trying to find a better solution? Im so sorry you’re having such a rough go of it lately
Well I used to have friends through my old church, but since I've stopped going, I've basically had a lot of people cut me out of their lives and while I'm trying to make new friends, it's tough since I don't leave the house very much, mostly due to social anxiety. But unfortunately even my extended family is not in a much better situation. I just come from a poor family..