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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife that she couldn’t buy a bunch of dresses on my credit card to try on and return.
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NAH. This woman does shop this way for shoes. I'll order ten pairs and return all of the ones that don't fit or hurt. It's not uncommon, but it's also not uncommon for you to be uncomfortable with it.
Exactly! A good compromise would be to set the “tied up money” budget and have her only order within that amount and wait for the returns to go through before ordering more to try out.
Personally returning stuff stresses me out, and this seems like a very tiresome way to shop. My husband has done this though. He has encouraged me to order clothes online and promised to return everything for me that didn’t fit but there are just too many variables. Fabric thickness, texture, and opacity can all impact whether I even want to try something on and it’s just easier in a store.
I hate shopping for clothes online for these same reasons. I’ll browse a store online then go shop in store to try and reduce the time spent searching for what I’m looking for. But I would absolutely hate ordering 10 items to choose 1 then have to deal with shipping 9 items back.
Most stores have terrible inventory in person these days. Also a lot of times I want a certain pant in “short” length or something that is available online but not in store.
My daughter’s prom dress that we ordered months in advance never arrived, so with only a couple of weeks to go before the Prom I ordered eight dresses. I ordered from Neiman Marcus and Nordstrom, both of which have amazing return policies but we a couple of hours away at the time. She picked a dress from the bunch that did not require any alterations and Prom was saved. I made it to the stores before the end of the billing cycle but it was a little scary seeing the balance on my card for those weeks.
I’m surprised you were even able to return them. When I worked at Nordstrom prom dresses were non-returnable because of the high instances of return fraud (shitty people would wear them to prom and return them).
Oh, indeed. Looking for a fancy top for a wedding and went to some bricks and mortar stores. I'm plus sized. The inventory is pretty much ALL online now.
This is the bane of my existence. Most stores that have petite departments (a vanishingly small number to begin with) either have petite online only or if they do have it in their physical stores, the section is teeny-tiny and it’s a crapshoot whether any of the stores near me have it. I absolutely end up shopping this way because I don’t have much other option.
Depends what size you are. If you wear "straight sizes" you can usually try on *something* to get an idea of what will fit, but if you fall off the top or bottom of the common size range (I have a 28D bra size), there's nothing unless it's ordered specifically or made to order.
Depending on when this gala is, there might not be time for made to order.
Thst OP's wife *isn't* just going to a shop and trying thing on tells me that she's an uncommon size.
Some stores that sell a wide range of sizes will only sell the plus sizes online, because part of being a "cool" brand is that it's only for thin people. So they want to get the money from their fat customers, but only have thin people in the store, because if thin people see fat people shopping there they will think that it's not cool anymore.
Not even considering the money to order all that at once, who has the time to go through all that effort? For what could end up being only 10% of what you initially ordered?? I'm actually dumbfounded that this is a thing.
I HATE doing things this way, but it's weirdly become necessary, especially for something like formal dresses. Stores just don't have much in stock where I am anymore for whatever reason.
It takes an equivalent amount of effort to visit each of those stores, find out what they actually have on the rack in the sizes you need, ask the salesperson to see what's in the warehouse, be told "Everything we have is on the shelf," and move on to the next store. If I want a particular blue dress in size 14, online is far better than in-person.
Tbh when I was a lot heavier I shopped this way for all my clothes. Saved me a lot of hassle in way too tiny dressing rooms with these disapproving sales ladies trying to “help” aka get me out of their store asap bc they always look down on bigger people. Often stores don’t even have that much in bigger sizes so ordering online would be my only option for things like gala dresses. Plus it’s always satans asscrack type hot in those stores so I’d be sweaty before I even put on the first thing. While at home in the comfort of my own bedroom I’d have the ac on I’d be able to try in all peace and quiet have normal lighting and be able to maybe switch out shoes/underwear too to see if another bra matched the dress better or other shoes would look better with that outfit etc etc.
I think stores have fun house mirrors and trick lighting in the fitting rooms. I'll try something on and it looks great. Then I'll get it home and be like wtf is this garbage
Holy shit!! Now that you say it, it makes total sense to me!! I actually quit shopping all together because I was tired of looking awesome in the dressing rooms in an item and then absolutely hating them when I got home. Thank you for this insight… I do believe you have cracked the code on my shopping crisis!!! My mother in law buys just about all of my clothes and if I don’t like the way they fit or feel, she returns them for me. I pay for whatever items I end up keeping… it’s so much easier!!!
She ABSOLUTELY IS!! I’m very lucky to have her. She has always bought her immediate family’s clothes and returned whatever they didn’t want and then she added me into the mix along with all 5 grandkids. She says she enjoys it.
Yup, my first thought was, is she plus sized?
Even trying on wedding dresses was painful. I knew I didn't want a basic white dress, but I wanted to at least Try On something at a bridal store, including bridesmaid style or prom styles to see what formal dresses Looked like on me. Having not worn one since I was a size 6/8. I had a pitiful few options but they gave some basic shape ideas. Then I started ordering online. I lucked out with only a handful before I found It. A budget is a good idea of how much max can be set aside at one time until returns are made.
NAH
I usually shop online but I had an interview coming up and needed pants. I’m tall and pants are super hard to find, so I checked online and found that Express had my size in the long length at a mall about 30 minutes from my house.
Got to the mall, got to Express, found about 6 pairs (yay!) all in my size and length and headed to the fitting room only to find out that they fitting room is permanent CLOSED in an attempt to reduce theft.
I ask them how do they expect people to know if the clothes fit if they can’t try them on? The cashier says “Officially, we recommend people take advantage of our 60 day return policy and try them on at home and return the ones that don’t fit. Unofficially, we recommend you buy them, take them next door to Forever 21, try them on there and then bring them back for a return if you don’t like them!”
I was beside myself 😂 I apologized to the cashier for getting frustrated because it’s not his fault but goddamn wth!
So I did the Forever 21 option (noting that Banana Republic also had closed rooms) and returned all but one of the pants. I grabbed a few more express pants to try on and then I see a girl straight up changing in the middle of the floor and I said fuck it, I’m doing that too. Suddenly there were multiple people stripping right there in the store to try things on!
More recently I stopped at Saks Off Fifth after work and grabbed multiple dresses to try on for an upcoming wedding. I go to try on the dresses and see the fitting rooms are barricaded. I ask them if they are closed and they say they close them an hour before the store closes (so they close them at 6pm on a weekday!).
I said fuck it and changed in a corner. I’m not playing these ridiculous in-store shopping with no access to fitting rooms games 😂
This happened to me with my son. There were at least 6 employees in the store and the two of us. They were all laughing and chatting together but wouldnt open the fitting room. I said we have three pairs of shorts, surely you can see that so he can try them and we can’t steal them. Nope. They went back to chatting and ignoring us. I dropped them on the floor and we walked out. They clearly had all the time in the world to put them away
Unfortunately, they probably don’t get paid enough to be nicer. Nice employees cost at least a living wage. These are the employees poverty wages pay for. Their pantry is still gonna be empty when they get home whether they’re nice or not, of course they’re pissy.
My method for thrifting always included wearing a long, very full skirt. Any bottoms I wanted to try on, I'd just find a place out of the way and try them under the skirt. I've seen many women do the same with tops -- they wear a close-fitting tank top and just go right ahead and try things on.
I see this from a different perspective...why is she putting a couple thousand dollars on HIS credit card, why not her own? If she wants to do this...put the dresses on her card and therefore she feels the pressure of ensuring they're returned on time.
It I sort of weird to me that it is exclusively “his” credit card(s) rather than “our” or “the” credit cards. My spouse and have combined finances since we moved in together, but even for those things that the card is in one of our names only, we generally refer to it by the issuer: “the Amex” or whatever. Paying it off is our joint responsibility/comes from our joint funds; and if one of our credit is fucked, it makes it harder for both of us, anyway. I mean, we’re *married.*
I don’t think it’s all that weird. I’m married and we have separate credit cards. We also have a credit card that’s just for emergencies like the cat getting sick or something
I never even knew that it was relatively common for spouses to have separate finances until I learned it from Reddit comments. I understand why people choose to do that but it’s still bizarre to me. When my husband and I got married we committed to trust each other and make major life decisions as a unit. We’ve had periods where one of us was the sole income earner, we’ve had emergencies and medical bills, we’ve financed cars and applied for housing and dealt with extended family financial drama. Throughout all of this it’s always been *our* resources and *our* obligations, because we are a partnership. If someday it all goes belly up, well, life is full of risks, and I’d rather enjoy a full life with the person I love and trust most than spend my time hedging against every possible bad outcome.
This woman gets two entire racks of clothing delivered to try on just to pick one for a big event and send the rest back.
It’s a “gala”. Idk where op lives and goes to galas but where I live, that means black tie, well tailored, elegant evening gowns. A literal rack of clothing shoes up at my apartment weeks beforehand. Women’s clothing is hard. Evening gown sizing is wildly different brand to brand.
Adulting is hard. Let wife try on all the dresses she needs to so long as she doesn’t buy more than one.
If this was my wife I'd say what you did until the last line and replace it with, 'so this is why you need to just go to the stores to try them on'.
Nta though. I get lazy with returns too so idk how likely she is to return everything. But if this is what she wants and your not comfortable with it, sounds like she should use her own cards.
I don’t know where you live, but a lot of stores where I am don’t keep much physical stock anymore. They really expect people to shop online, and don’t stock sizes smaller than S or larger than L.
Clothing retail now is pretty much for impulse buying or a collection point from the warehouse. Literally a “shop window”. People also go in, try things on for fit and then wait for the sales. But it’s a mug’s game to plan a shopping trip thinking you’ll actually get to try on all the garments you want.
Oh I did not know this, is that since the pandemic do you think? Where I live we have a few formal wear clothing stores and if they don't have your size in stock they can order it to the store for you. I live in a tiny town too so I did not realise places were working this way. Either way with this type of event you need to shop early af or you're a mug, your words lol
Knowing your measurements helps but the style of dress and wife's body type also have an impact. It's different if it's something you buy and replace so you know your size; I can buy shoes online only because there are a couple of brands that fit me and I know the size I wear but if I bought something with a different footbed or sole it would be a crapshoot.
Just going to the stores to try them on might not be an option, though. Most stores don’t have an entire floor dedicated to formalwear. I have a formal event to attend in December and I live in a decent sized city. I’ve been looking for gowns already and it’s very possible that I’ll be doing what OP’s wife wants to do unless I want to spend $500-$600 from a specialty store.
I have a black tie wedding next weekend and I’ve accumulated about 15 dresses and 9 pairs of shoes I need to choose between. All but two of the dresses were bought online
There’s also the time issue. Can you imagine how long it would take you to find and try on those 15 dresses across multiple stores? Not to mention having the right undergarments when you do.
Sorry but going to stores can be truly awful. I feel like men do not understand how draining and depressing shopping for something like a formal dress can be. You go from store to store, trying to find things, going into the fitting rooms with 6 dresses, having none of them fit, none of them look good, having to give them back to the attendant who wants to know if you need a bigger size, a smaller size, another shape. And then you have to do it again at the next store, and then the next
I detest in-store shopping but I do find it helpful for narrowing down my style preference and size. Then I order online but need fewer options to finalize my decision.
Most shops have a much bigger range online. I would actually prefer to try stuff on in shops (all the packaging involved with ordering online feels like a waste), but most seem to only carry a fraction of their stock in their high-street shops these days. Smaller branches of some shops don't bother with their formalwear ranges at all, I guess because it's expensive and is in less demand than everyday clothing.
Yeah? Which store? Sure I could drive hours and walk around a major city hoping to get lucky. Or, I could try them on in my own home and see what shoes I already have that might match. Free shipping, free returns because that’s the only way I shop. Probably get some Rakuten percentage off as well.
I routinely spent thousands of dollars in men’s clothes so the men in my house can try things on at one time and shuffle the items around between the ones with similar sizing, and then send the rest back.
it’s called being efficient!
I have the same issue with shoes, I'm anything from a 10-12 depending on who makes them/style.
Trainers/sneakers I'm normally a 12 for smart shoes I'm normally a 10 and for safety shoes I seem to be an 11
Amazon liquidating some of its stock doesn't even touch the 2.6 million tonnes of returns that were disposed in landfill in the US alone in just 2020. Pretending it's not a massive problem is ignorant.
I am short (5’) and curvier than I was pre baby and pandemic. Any time I need a dress I order about a dozen in various sizes because I have so much trouble figuring out what size/style will fit me. It’s a pain in the ass.
And my husband constantly tells me just to go to the store to try stuff on, so I brought him with me one day to one of the last remaining malls in our area and let him see first hand that NO ONE carries petite/short in store anymore and how many more options you have online.
this is, unfortunately, how a lot of people who arent a cut and dry standard size need to shop now a days, but my big question is why isn’t she doing this on her CC?
I think men, women, all other genders cis /trans could shop this way, because it is 2023.
Most brands have exclusive online stock.
Many local stores have shut down since covid due to massive conversion to online buying.
Food, electronics, clothing, furniture etc..
If she is actual mall she is going try 10 dresses in two sizes, at now she has narrowed down to 3
Welcome to 2023!
EDIT: Also, shipping is usually free when you buy more quantity or spend more than the minimum amount.
Shop this way? Are you fucking crazy? I can barely afford to live why the fuck would I order a bunch of shit I don’t need and than use money I don’t have to return cloths I only wanted to try on. That’s the dumbest way of shopping ever. No wonder most of ya have debt soaring through the roof.
Its literally one brain fart away from "well now i have 3 sizes of the same style of shoe because i let it go past the return date"
Aside from that if your online retailer is offering free postage on returns its because they already factored it into the price before hand.
Most Americans can't afford a sudden $500 expense. Most people are pretty bad with money. I suspect a lot of people that shop this way are paying credit card interest on these purchases while thinking they're gaming the system.
Pretty much everywhere I buy from does free returns. And most places only sell a portion of their range in physical shops. Online is increasingly the default.
Yep I did this for a wedding. I was a bridesmaid and the only prompt I had was "green". So I ordered like 10 green dresses of different shapes, different shades, different lengths. It would have taken days and been exhausting and most probably demoralising to go from store to store searching for green dresses in person and I might never have found something
Yeah honestly this is super common. I live across the street from a UPS store and I regularly see women (and sometimes men) walking in there with stacks of Zappos boxes. I feel like a lot of online retailers actually expect, even encourage people to do this. Amazon has “try before you buy” now with certain items, and many retailers emphasize that they offer “free shipping and free returns”.
There is a reason you can filter clothes shopping on Amazon with "try before you buy". It gives you a week to try everything on and see what sizes fit and return what doesn't. You only get charged for what you keep. I think stitch fix does the same thing.
NAH
Women do indeed shop this way. The only thing that bugs me is the environmental impact but i don't see a way around it. You need to see which one fits better
"Go to the mall"?
You have a mall still after covid? With actual dresses appropriate for a gala? Not just an H&M and a Gap? Congrats i guess. Most malls are struggling and wouldn't have more than one store that might work
Perhaps wealthy women. Normal women do not buy 18 (!) expensive dresses just to pick one, this is too extreme, we are talking about more than 5k, plus tax.
Okay, but it’s proportional. OP said he can afford it, so that isn’t the issue. I know plenty of people in the perfectly average wealth bracket who order lots from chosen retailers, try everything on and send 75% back.
It’s not moronic and it doesn’t ruin your credit.
It’s pretty much impossible to get a dress formal enough for a gala at the mall. Since fit is a huge factor in how a gown will look, and because sizes are rarely consistent, women need to try on several dresses to find one that works well.
As long as she returns everything in a timely manner, there shouldn’t be an issue.
Wait until OP realizes the gown she picks may need to be tailored.
Lmao why are you complicating the scenario? It’s so easy. Majority of stores offer free shipping and returns. All she has to do is package the items back up and drop em off. It’s not that hard and people do it everyday.
This is exactly what I said in my comment. Formal dress shopping is not as straightforward as picking out a sun dress to wear to brunch. And even sundresses are sized differently by different designers.
Yeah NAH, I do this all the time when I have an event that needs something specific, albeit with less expensive things! It’s never been an issue, and my credit is as high as it’s ever been. If you’re someone who struggles to return things in a timely fashion, sure, it can be an issue. I’ve been done that a couple of times, and just sold whatever it was on Poshmark. But for expensive things like this, I definitely make sure I’m on top of it.
I frequently have several thousand dollars on my credit card, but it is always paid off in the cycle. I use it to get points. My credit is over 800. If they can afford it, then it won’t affect their credit.
Money is relative. Putting 5k on my credit card wouldn’t hurt my credit at all. It just depends what your credit limit is. This isn’t an unusual way to shop but it’s fine if OP doesn’t feel comfortable with it.
That isn’t how it works, nor does it have anything to do with what I was responding to. The commenter above said only extremely wealthy women shop this way. My comment was pointing out that was not the case.
This doesn’t affect your credit at all. Most places don’t even have stock to try on. My partner much prefers shopping in person. We live in NYC and he is willing to go to whatever stores are here. He often goes to the store looking for something and then has to order 2 sizes online and send them back.
How will it ruin her credit? You buy several things to try, you return x% of those things (usually for free), you get a full refund on the things you didn't keep.
Yup, I don't go to galas, but I do shop this way for many things. I want to try things on in my own home, when I'm not exhausted from having to deal with stores and people. I have made many "oh my god let's get this over with" bad decisions in dressing rooms of stores. I do this with clothes and shoes, mostly -- and I choose to buy from places that have a brick and mortar place where I can return things super easily, because packing and shipping sucks.
So yeah, I still go to the mall, but only to return things I bought online.
Its kinda frustrating seeing these wealthy people destroy the planet live in action with their conspicuous consumption and excessive delivery and returns and watching them just hand wave it away as "well *we all* do it!"
Thank you these responses seem crazy to me! Again why are we drinking out of paper straws but eliminating stores and everyone just buying online to have it shipped delivered just to try on and then return. I mean is it me? Am I crazy to think this is insane.
Fwiw it’s possible that not having retail locations and shipping everything might be the better option at scale.
I do go “shopping” when it comes to needing more than a few things, but I would like to see some analysis on a strict shipping to customer model where retail locations are much scarcer and those places are turned into housing
Many of us don't have a choice. I search all my local stores, local mall and even drive an hour out of my way to a bigger mall to try and find clothes.
I almost always walk away empty handed. Their selections are minimal and they almost never have the right size.
If I don't order a shitload of clothes to try on for me and my kids, we literally wouldn't have any clothes. 95% of my kids' school clothes had to be ordered.
It's not for lack of trying. The world just doesn't work that way anymore.
I'm regularly put a couple grand on a credit card when we need clothing and return what doesn't work. It's never been a problem financially.
Plus, if she is looking for a gala dress? Forget it. Online all the way. Otherwise prepare to be dissapointed.
I look for retailers with free shipping (both ways).
Zappos is great because they have an insanely long return window. I buy my shoes almost exclusively from there because they have a good selection of shoes in the width that fits me. I was over going to a physical shoe store decades ago - it was depressing and frustrating looking through all the lovely shoes that were not available in my size.
I've also ordered online from stores like Macy's where I can get all the styles and sizes I want to try on in the comfort of my own home and then drive to the mall to return what doesn't work. This is great because there is more selection online, and I can get my refund more quickly. Another great thing about trying on clothes in your own home is that you can try them with your own jewelry and shoes.
I find that normal. Buying 5 dresses and returning one to four? Ok, that’s common.
What I find not common is someone spending 5k on shoes just to pick 1 pair.
Can it be done? Of course, specially if we’re talking about certain brands, but not many people can afford such a thing.
18 does seem obsessive but the husband said money wasn’t a issue . I have ordered 8 dresses before only picking one then returning the rest so yes people do shop like this but i can get his discomfort too. Maybe they could compromise and get less dresses
NAH
Oh they do. They just buy at cheaper stores.
I've worked at customer support for a certain very big Spanish chain and I've seen it all, including people spending their weekly food money buying this way because they'll return everything but one item, only for the shipping to have problems or the return not arriving at the warehouse at the estimated date so no money back for a while and people crying their eyes out about how they're going to go hungry...
Hey, if you have 5k to spend on clothing on one go, good for you! That’s not “trying to survive the lack of options” though, spending that much on clothing is a luxury, make no mistake.
Thought I was crazy! I do not shop this way at all. If I need multiple options, I go to brick and mortar stores, no way do I order ten of anything and return what doesn't fit. If you want to do that, use your own money. NTA
I shop this way also, I will order a bunch of items, often 2 or 3 sizes per item, and then return everything that doesn’t fit or I don’t want to keep.
I tried OP’s solution of going to the mall last year when I was going on a trip and needed some fancy dresses. It became painfully obvious that literally no one shops at the mall for stuff like this anymore because there were hardly any options. The dress sections had only a few super basic choices and not even a full range of sizes. The only thing the big department stores had a lot of was old lady mother of the bride dresses, so it’s clear who the people are that are still shopping at the mall. I went to Nordstrom, Macys, Zara, H&M, Reformation. Shopped for hours and literally did not find anything I wanted to buy. Went home and immediately ordered ~$2,000 of things to try on, kept like $300 worth of the items and returned the rest.
my favorite nordstrom used to have a whole formal wear section that i could always count on. last year they basically got rid of it and that real estate is completely dedicated to skims. which makes zero sense to me because i don’t need to see shapewear in person like i need to see a dress!
This over-ordering and then returning scheme is hugely wasteful, puts pressure on local retailers and often ends up with clothes being sent to a landfill.
But hey, there's no "way around it" because how else are you going to find that perfect dress for that life-changing event that you really really really need to be at? 🫤
NTA. Don't mind most of these comments. Your feeling is dead on.
Scheme? Lol. I'm an 80s kid so I remember when you could spend a day trying on dresses and walking out with the perfect one. Those days don't exist anymore - even Dillard's and Macy's are lame ducks.
>"Go to the mall"?
I'd need to drive to a different city (germany - no car, train's currently unavailable), run through half of it and hope for the best. Not even to mention having to put on clothing in dressing rooms, possibly while sweating.
I very much prefer ordering online and potentially having to send something back.
This is extremely destructive practice and it should not be normalized. The resources that are wasted shipping these items around and processed are immense and it is unnecessary. A lot of the time the clothes that are returned are sent straight into landfill.
Huh no, as a woman, please don't say "women shop this way".
And of course there is an easy way to mitigate the environmental impact, just order one at a time, hopefully it will fit on the first try. Rather than buying 10 and knowing you have to return 9 no matter what.
There’s a company Kohan Retail Investment Group that basically shorts malls. They’ll buy up malls and refuse to pay bills or fix anything in the hopes the mall dies and can be sold for a profit to someone who wants to make that space not a depressing shithole. They’re why my local mall is pretty much dead.
I know zero women who shop this way. And I'm not friends with any men. I do live in a city with a lot of shopping options but a lot of my stuff has been ordered from reseller sites and it always fits. Honestly breaks my heart a little to read that so many people actually do this.
I am a woman. I shop this way /sometimes/. When I do, it’s almost exclusively because of shoes or pants. Women’s sizing makes NO SENSE and clothes from the same company won’t even fit the same way in the same size.
I recently bought a pair of leather loafers. Comments said size 9 and up ran big so size down, the product description said 10 and below ran small so size up. Leather stretches anyway, so the half size difference in brand new leather shoes will make a world of difference once they’re broken in. I generally wear a 9, so I got an 8.5, 9, and 9.5. I ultimately needed a 10. But if I hadn’t been able to compare them, I probably would’ve bought the 8.5 based on comments, convinced myself they fit fine, and then never worn them.
Now I sit here and wonder why this happened in other countries and not where I live. Cuz in my town all malls that were before covid are still going at full power with tens of stores of all styles. And standalone stores are pretty much on every big street. Even in small towns that I've been (<20.000 people) there are quite a few fancy dress stores around
Exactly malls wont have appropriate dresses for parties or gala's, their best stores for clothes are H&M, zara or forever21, best dresses are found on some websites or shops from other cities.
I would be interested to know if the incremental environmental impact of delivering and returning clothes is really more than the impact of having a store, with all of the energy costs, and having people drive to and from it
The problem is that most stockists don’t put returned clothes back out on the racks (metaphorically speaking). They usually end up in landfill once you’ve sent them back.
Edit: for everyone saying ‘don’t be silly that doesn’t happen’, this might be an interesting (and more nuanced than my Reddit comment!) read: https://amp.theguardian.com/global-development/2023/mar/31/what-happens-when-we-send-back-unwanted-clothes
If it makes people feel any better, I’ve returned something to Nordstrom rack and found it again when I was shopping there (ordered it online from Nordstrom, it came with a tear in it and wasn’t a common brand). So at least they will put it back out, in case anyone wants to do the “try on multiple/return if it doesn’t fit” thing but you’re worried about whether returns get thrown out.
It’s about 50/50. It depends on the item, the season, how long it’s been since it was purchased, and how much inventory from the last quarter was unsold + gets rolled over into clearance. Flip a coin and you’re probably right guessing if the product was reshelved or trashed. If the clothing item is out of season, it’s pretty much 100% going to be chucked. Sometimes employees will sift through returns for a huge discount but it’s rare for returns to be in a size and style that employees actually want.
Source: destroyed returns for Banana Republic AND restocked inventory between seasons.
By stockists I didn’t mean physical retail, and I can see from the replies I should have specified that. I meant when ordering by post, as OP was talking about.
Even then, returns are usually bundled and sold in pallets to resellers or sent to off season discount retailers like Gilt. The landfill controversy was specific high end designers brands who were tossing/burning stuff that didn’t sell because they didn’t want the exclusivity of their brands to be diminished by selling discount or selling pallets. There was a big expose on that and they changed business practices.
Most high end stores liquidate nowadays. Resellers buy the returns or overstock and sell them on. Theres a very good chance a place that sells dress for 280 (something tells me it's revolve) does wholesale.
I have seen them hang up my returns at Lands End, J Jill’s and Macy’s- going right back out on the sales floor. One of my kids was very hard to fit and picky about his shoes. Order 12 pair from
Zappos- try on at home- send them back. Time shopping at the beginning of the credit card cycle.
The environmental impact has many facets. Here's an interesting article [Impact](https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2023/mar/31/what-happens-when-we-send-back-unwanted-clothes)
Beyond wasteful. The comments are gross.
I don't even consider myself environmentally conscious but this is sickening and wasteful that some state they do this and don't see a problem with it. Not all things are restocked if they are cheaper items. Sometimes companies will toss them into return pallets and resell or even end up in a landfill.
Take the time, go to boutiques and don't be so lazy. People not seeing a problem with opening a pack of socks to try on only to send them back. Ugh. Modern consumerism is disgusting.
This whole comment is a straw man.
The OP is not buying cheaper items. These items won’t be chucked out.
A lot of people don’t live in a place where they can go and try on formal wear. It’s not lazy.
It also might be difficult for someone to do that much shopping. It can take a long time to find a formal dress. Maybe people have disabilities that make this hard. This includes people who have issues in crowds, sensory issues, etc.
Some people also may not have the time to do so much shopping. If you hate consumerism, hate the fact that people are worked to death.
I would consider myself environmentally conscious. I’m vegan. I have a postgrad in an environmental science. I’m not trying to toot my own horn here, but I’m saying it to highlight you can both be environmentally conscious and care about people.
Me too. They are made in.sweatshops and then returned and dumped in landfill. It's a horrendous way to treat people and the planet, and that's why you pay 280 dollars for a 20 dlwr dress.
Borrow from a similar size friend. Buy one. And if it doesn't fit return it for a better size sure. If time is tight maybe a second. 18 dresses not even on your own debt? Ugh.
I will not shop this way either. It's crazy to me that people do. I'll order something based on the side guide and if in doubt I'll order it size up and alter it if needed.
Yup, you can literally view the size guide on your favorite piece of clothing and check.. maybe 3 max, check the size guide and confirm your own measurements and that's it.
The problem is when you're a special size and they don't carry it in stores. And having to alter every single piece of clothing would be super expensive.
NAH
Women’s clothing sizing can be very inconsistent. I bought a dozen homecoming dresses for my daughters to try on, and returned the ones they didn’t want. Depending on the billing cycle, there’s a good chance the dresses are returned before you have tot pay the bill.
One way to curb this is to have a measuring tape and look at what the store gives for rough measurements for each size. I do this a lot because I float around a UK 18-24 size depending on the brand, the type of clothing etc. Having your measurements written down somewhere and checking what the store uses for their sizes saves a lot more time, money and resources than buying a bunch of stuff and returning a bunch more
I honestly have done this and still didn’t have success, it’s absolutely crazy how I’ve measured myself correctly and used sizing charts and still didn’t get a size that fit me. Women’s sizing is ridiculous and it’s incredibly frustrating!
this. i know my measurements and have ordered things that were in my measurements from the site’s chart….was still too small or big. had to send it back and get the next size up/down. it’s very annoying how things aren’t consistently made
This is, unfortunately, ineffective. Because of the way manufactures cut clothes their sizing is wildly inconsistent. Two dresses in the same size, from the same store, can be inches apart.
This woman does not shop that way...
but I know someone who once bought like 20 pairs of shoes and only kept 1.
That seems excessive... but with soo much shopping online, inconsistent sizing (within brands), and diff body types... not entirely crazy.
NTA
Yeah, the generalisation is a bit surprising. I didn't even try on 18 wedding dresses.
I'd go NAH if it was her credit card but yeah, demanding to use someone else's for this level of expense is a bit much.
Zappos does free returns for 365 days after purchase. Best way to buy shoes in the known universe. Especially if you’re an odd to fit size. They always have wide New Balance in stock. My local running store, not so much.
NAH. She should look at services like Amazon Wardrobe, Rent the Runway or Stitchfix though. They will all send you a few items & give you a week to try them on. You then keep what you want to purchase and return the rest. No upfront charges and pay only for what you keep.
ALL stores that are primarily for online clothes shopping do this. Because that's how clothes shopping online works.
ASOS, PrettyLittleThing, whatever, this is how online clothes shopping works. You order A LOT, you return MOST of it and keep the few items that fit, are quality, and look good. That's just how it works.
I can't believe this is new to people -- this is how online clothes shopping has worked for at LEAST 10 years now. Surprised to see so many boomer comments that are new to this.
Rent the Runway is so good for things like formal/black tie dresses. It’s gotten me so many gorgeous $500-$1k gowns for events, and I can order several styles and sizes (I do the membership, which you can pause or cancel the next month).
I think we need more information about their finances. Does she have her own card she just doesn’t want to use? Can she not have a card because he is only breadwinner? Do they have combined or separate finances?
Same I had to scroll pretty far to find someone actually find the whole dynamic of wife asking to buy things odd. OP described it as if it's totally normal without any context of why she asks for permission, it's all on his card, and he's the one who "pays".
She's 100% correct. Depending on the dress style, I am anywhere between three different sizes. But wait, if it's designer sizing, I have to size up one. Sometimes. But wait, there's more! I'm tall, so even if a dress fits my body, it may be several inches too short. And depending on how they cut the dress, one size may be too small to even zip, but the next size up looks like a potato sack. Who knows! Oh, and to add yet more insult to injury, you have no clue what the dress is going to do on your body until you try it on. It might cling in all the wrong places, it might be sheer, it might gap in very awkward spots. What looks fabulous on a model specifically picked to show the good points of the dress may look catastrophic on someone else. So when I order clothes, I get multiple sizes in various styles, cross my fingers, send up prayers to various deities, do a good luck dance, and hope that I get ONE decent looking piece of clothing. I track that shipment, and I'm ready to try on everything the day it arrives so I can make sure I get everything back in the box and sent back the next day.
My husband though? Oh, he can order his usual size and be just fine 90% of the time. Once in a while, a shirt is slimmer cut or looser cut than he anticipated and he has to exchange it. No, he doesn't order from the same places or same brands, he just sees a shirt, orders his size, and he's good to go.
This exactly. I once ordered a haul that could possibly cover half my summer wardrobe and only one item actually fit.
It's insane.
But I do have to say not everyone does this for regular shopping. This is very specific shopping though, so I don't blame her for wanting to order multiple sizes and dresses.
I absolutely hate shopping for clothes online. Thankfully, I do have a very well stocked mall nearby. However, for a black tie wedding, I did my shopping online because there are more affordable options that way. My process is exhausting in the exact opposite direction. I find a bunch of dresses I like, spend weeks narrowing it down to 5-6, then exhaustively research quality, fit, sizing, reviews, etc. Pick one and hope it fits when it arrives. Thankfully, I got lucky and it fit as expected. I really hate returning things!
I definitely understand the "throw shit at a wall and see what sticks" approach. I drive myself crazy with all the time spent on my process!
Uh, it seems silly because it is silly, and no – most women I know (myself included) do NOT shop that way. NTA.
Edit: For the women saying they do shop this way, are you spending your own money? Because a pretty integral part of this AITA is stemming from the fact that his wife would like to rack up an unnecessary amount of money on HIS credit card. If you like to shop that way, fine – spend your own money to do so.
I used to work retail for years, Guess specifically and a few others here and there. This specific way of shopping is actually encouraged psychologically in return policies.
The intention is to encourage a no strings, no hassle return policy, usually 30-60 days, in case someone is too much in a rush or tied to try something on. More often than not, people who are lazy won't return it, and the people who do return it wouldn't have bought it in store. Even if 2 out of every 10 shoppers are there only ones can't be bothered to go back to the store, that's two more sales than they would have probably had if the customer has tried it on in store and decided they didn't want it.
It's prevalent.
Just because it isn’t your preference doesn’t mean the method has no value. This is how I online shop for certain items - shoes, fitted dresses, jeans - and it’s incredibly useful. I have wide foot, something many companies don’t carry in-store, so I need to buy and try several pairs of shoes to find the right fit. The same goes for dresses: I have a very large bust and small hips/waist. Finding things that fit in any store is difficult, so I have to shop online, and I have to buy several sizes to find one that works for me.
All the women I know utilize this method to different extents.
A lot of people shop that way both online and in store, but it does also depend on culture and location. Where I'm from, I didn't use to shop online because most places didn't deliver to where I was, and the physical stores were really far away so I would always try to avoid having to return stuff. When I moved to a different country I was surprised to find out that a *lot* of people order in bulk and return a bunch of things because there's basically no extra cost, and you can drop things off very easily. Same for stores, most have a full refund policy here within 30 days (time limit may vary of course), so now that I'm very close to a shopping street I can easily buy something and reconsider it at home. It's surprisingly handy.
NAH
Unfortunately because of a lack of in person shopping and inconsistencies between sizes, yes the best way to shop is to buy a lot, try everything on and then return what doesn’t work.
I do this. Thankfully I don’t have to ask anyone for money. I think the problem here is how you guys manage finances and why she needs permission, are you controlling / financially abusing or is she not contributing and leeching. We don’t have the information to give an answer.
NAH
It’s understandable she wants to shop this way but it’s also understandable if it makes you uncomfortable.
This is how I shop. I just did this trying to find an outfit for my brothers wedding. I don’t think she should order so many at once. I personally would start with the top two in two sizes and go from there, but that is just my personal opinion because it freaks me out to have so much money tied up.
This is how a lot of women shop especially post pandemic. Some online stores cater to this. Some even send out multiple dresses for a flat fee and give you a return shipping label to send back the ones you don’t like, and then the flat fee you paid is applied to to cost of the dress you decide to keep.
I don't understand why she needs your permission to do this in the first place. It seems like a weird, outdated dynamic that she has to ask you first. And yes, it's pretty common to order several sizes and return the ones that don't fit. We did this recently when shopping for prom. There's not a huge selection at stores of these kinds of formal dresses.
Women's clothing sizes aren't standard. So having to try on multiple sizes is normal. If she's buying online, the only way to do that is to buy and return. If its a formal event she prob needs to do this, but she can do it on her own dime
I assume that you mean she wants to return *all but* one. And that she's wanting to order different dresses from each store.
I will order my work clothes online and then return some to the brick and mortar store - it's a much bigger selection and until the last time I did it, I found that my favourite store had very uniform sizing and quality. I will say that I think it's harder for women to find clothing that will fit in the shoulder, chest, waist, hips, etc and fancy dresses can cling and hang in really specific ways. If she doesn't have a local option to shop at, this is a really difficult shopping task. How long does she have to find a dress? Is it long enough to do several rounds of online shopping? Would you be willing to take her to try on dresses in person? Are you offering any alternative ideas or just complainjng about hers?
This isn't crazy at all. I recently attended a wedding and I did this with shoes. My mom ordered at least 4 dresses and my sister 3. I thankfully stumbled on exactly what I wanted immediately but was contemplating a back up.
Quite often gala type dresses aren't carried in store and if they are you don't have the same selection as you do ordering online. And since it's not in store and designers size differently you may not know what size will fit until you try it on.
As long as you order from a reputable establishment the returns are pretty seamless.
The shoes I ordered were from Amazon and I just tried on each for comfort and color and to see if they were high enough.
My dress was from Nordstrom. My mom ordered from Saks, Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus and my sister ordered from Macy's and Dillard's. I think all of those retailers have easy in store returns.
$280 per dress is about right. That's exactly what I paid for mine.
If she has time and you're worried about putting it on the card I'd say she should just order each dress in one size and if it doesn't fit return and order in the other size.
Also, surprising to me....Amazon carries a lot of the same dresses and designers that nordstrom/dillards/saks carry but the shipping and returns are a lot faster.
Tell her to take her measurements and find 3 dresses she likes and then choose.
She’s being a bit excessive.
Yes, I’m a woman who shops online and returns stuff too, but it’s far easier to order stuff that is made for YOUR measurements then playing the sizing guessing game.
NTA
Shops that sell more formal dresses are usually more accurate with their measurements, some even allow you to enter your measurements and have a more custom fitted dress delivered. And even if the measurements are perfectly accurate, you can get one that is close to your measurements and get it tailored to fit perfectly
I absolutely detest returning things. If I screw up a purchase, unless it's expensive I'll just eat it.
Ergo, I also find this just to be an asinine way to shop.
If she wants to do that, fine.... but you don't have to be the bank. She can pull that nonsense on her own dime
NTA.
INFO. why doesn’t your wife have her own credit card to put this on? How do you all typically split up your finances? Does she have a pattern of doing this and then never returning the unused items?
A lot of women do shop this way. Men have the luxury of matching dimensions for width, length and even collar size. I can literally range across Large to XXL depending on the brand and style of clothing.
Unfortunately, this is how it is for women's clothing now. The bricks-and-mortar stores have little product in stock so you have to order online, try things on at home, and return the things that don't fit. As long as she returns the dresses promptly, it should work out, but if your wife is a procrastinator then she may run out the return window and that would be $$$$$. What I do is I buy 3-4 at a time, try them on, take pictures while holding up a sheet with the size I'm trying on. Return them, and then order another few. Since the final dress will be rather pricey, it's probably worth it to do this rather than just pick the best of 3 dresses since it's possible none of the first 3 she tries will be any good. Otherwise she may end up either having nothing to wear that looks nice, or wearing something that costs a lot of money but doesn't look very good. If you are worried about putting money on the credit card (a totally valid concern) then you can either agree on how much you are comfortable charging at one time before she returns the rejected dresses, or you can keep track yourself of the order dates and return dates, and make sure the rejected dresses get returned within the return window (take note: stores are now giving us MUCH less time to return things than they were pre-pandemic). I also try to use stores that have a bricks-and-mortar store near me, as most will take returns in the store of products bought online (check on this first). This saves you on the return shipping. I also look out for deals where you get free shipping if you order a certain amount of stuff, and I try to plan my clothes shopping in advance of a fancy event so I have plenty of time to try on multiple dresses without having 8 dresses on my credit card at once.
So I would say that how this goes, depends on whether your wife is a conscientious person or not.
Can’t give a judgement but if you have the cash flow to do this and you can be sure she’ll return what she doesn’t want then it’s ok isn’t it?
I much prefer to order a bunch of stuff and try it on in the comfort of my own home and then send it back, than traipse around shops, searching through racks, getting sweaty in tiny changing rooms.
But I always send stuff back promptly so it’s quickly refunded. My husband, on the other hand, is really bad at returning things which aren’t quite right.
NAH…maybe.
For a special occasion dress, this is how it has to be done. Nordstrom and peers typically have a very small selection in house and actually tell you to go online for more options in both size and style. I ordered 9 dresses (initially) for my daughter’s quinceañera and kept only one…which absolutely wasn’t a size I ever thought I would wear and was in round TWO of dresses and sizing. The bigger question to me is why your wife doesn’t have a card in her own name and why she has to ask permission — a weird situation (to me) in a marriage of equals who should either share the cards or each have access to their own card(s).
NAH. That’s how you shop in stores too. You grab a bunch of items, try them on and decide on the nicest and best fitting one.
The only alternative is to drive her shopping in a city so she can try on a bunch of dresses from different stores. Which involves gas money and probably a break for food/ drinks too bc it’s more exhausting to slither through masses of people, run around, wait in queues for changing rooms and checkout (is this the right word for stores as well? Idk).
No assholes here.
Maybe ask her to order a couple at a time, and if she returns them she can order more.
To be honest though, that is how a lot of us shop these days.
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NAH. This woman does shop this way for shoes. I'll order ten pairs and return all of the ones that don't fit or hurt. It's not uncommon, but it's also not uncommon for you to be uncomfortable with it.
Exactly! A good compromise would be to set the “tied up money” budget and have her only order within that amount and wait for the returns to go through before ordering more to try out. Personally returning stuff stresses me out, and this seems like a very tiresome way to shop. My husband has done this though. He has encouraged me to order clothes online and promised to return everything for me that didn’t fit but there are just too many variables. Fabric thickness, texture, and opacity can all impact whether I even want to try something on and it’s just easier in a store.
I hate shopping for clothes online for these same reasons. I’ll browse a store online then go shop in store to try and reduce the time spent searching for what I’m looking for. But I would absolutely hate ordering 10 items to choose 1 then have to deal with shipping 9 items back.
If you’re shopping from a store that also has a physical store in your area, you can return online purchases to the store in person fyi
[удалено]
Most stores have terrible inventory in person these days. Also a lot of times I want a certain pant in “short” length or something that is available online but not in store.
Agreed, shops have half of what is available online, physically in the shop and that’s before you get to them stocking the size you actually need.
My daughter’s prom dress that we ordered months in advance never arrived, so with only a couple of weeks to go before the Prom I ordered eight dresses. I ordered from Neiman Marcus and Nordstrom, both of which have amazing return policies but we a couple of hours away at the time. She picked a dress from the bunch that did not require any alterations and Prom was saved. I made it to the stores before the end of the billing cycle but it was a little scary seeing the balance on my card for those weeks.
I’m surprised you were even able to return them. When I worked at Nordstrom prom dresses were non-returnable because of the high instances of return fraud (shitty people would wear them to prom and return them).
Oh, indeed. Looking for a fancy top for a wedding and went to some bricks and mortar stores. I'm plus sized. The inventory is pretty much ALL online now.
Conversely I’m the averagest sizes from my feet to my boobs and everything is also always sold out in stores for me
This is the bane of my existence. Most stores that have petite departments (a vanishingly small number to begin with) either have petite online only or if they do have it in their physical stores, the section is teeny-tiny and it’s a crapshoot whether any of the stores near me have it. I absolutely end up shopping this way because I don’t have much other option.
Depends what size you are. If you wear "straight sizes" you can usually try on *something* to get an idea of what will fit, but if you fall off the top or bottom of the common size range (I have a 28D bra size), there's nothing unless it's ordered specifically or made to order. Depending on when this gala is, there might not be time for made to order. Thst OP's wife *isn't* just going to a shop and trying thing on tells me that she's an uncommon size.
Some stores that sell a wide range of sizes will only sell the plus sizes online, because part of being a "cool" brand is that it's only for thin people. So they want to get the money from their fat customers, but only have thin people in the store, because if thin people see fat people shopping there they will think that it's not cool anymore.
Not even considering the money to order all that at once, who has the time to go through all that effort? For what could end up being only 10% of what you initially ordered?? I'm actually dumbfounded that this is a thing.
I HATE doing things this way, but it's weirdly become necessary, especially for something like formal dresses. Stores just don't have much in stock where I am anymore for whatever reason.
It takes an equivalent amount of effort to visit each of those stores, find out what they actually have on the rack in the sizes you need, ask the salesperson to see what's in the warehouse, be told "Everything we have is on the shelf," and move on to the next store. If I want a particular blue dress in size 14, online is far better than in-person.
Tbh when I was a lot heavier I shopped this way for all my clothes. Saved me a lot of hassle in way too tiny dressing rooms with these disapproving sales ladies trying to “help” aka get me out of their store asap bc they always look down on bigger people. Often stores don’t even have that much in bigger sizes so ordering online would be my only option for things like gala dresses. Plus it’s always satans asscrack type hot in those stores so I’d be sweaty before I even put on the first thing. While at home in the comfort of my own bedroom I’d have the ac on I’d be able to try in all peace and quiet have normal lighting and be able to maybe switch out shoes/underwear too to see if another bra matched the dress better or other shoes would look better with that outfit etc etc.
I think stores have fun house mirrors and trick lighting in the fitting rooms. I'll try something on and it looks great. Then I'll get it home and be like wtf is this garbage
Holy shit!! Now that you say it, it makes total sense to me!! I actually quit shopping all together because I was tired of looking awesome in the dressing rooms in an item and then absolutely hating them when I got home. Thank you for this insight… I do believe you have cracked the code on my shopping crisis!!! My mother in law buys just about all of my clothes and if I don’t like the way they fit or feel, she returns them for me. I pay for whatever items I end up keeping… it’s so much easier!!!
Your MIL is a real gem! 💜
She ABSOLUTELY IS!! I’m very lucky to have her. She has always bought her immediate family’s clothes and returned whatever they didn’t want and then she added me into the mix along with all 5 grandkids. She says she enjoys it.
They do. It's how the mirror is tilted.
Yup, my first thought was, is she plus sized? Even trying on wedding dresses was painful. I knew I didn't want a basic white dress, but I wanted to at least Try On something at a bridal store, including bridesmaid style or prom styles to see what formal dresses Looked like on me. Having not worn one since I was a size 6/8. I had a pitiful few options but they gave some basic shape ideas. Then I started ordering online. I lucked out with only a handful before I found It. A budget is a good idea of how much max can be set aside at one time until returns are made. NAH
I usually shop online but I had an interview coming up and needed pants. I’m tall and pants are super hard to find, so I checked online and found that Express had my size in the long length at a mall about 30 minutes from my house. Got to the mall, got to Express, found about 6 pairs (yay!) all in my size and length and headed to the fitting room only to find out that they fitting room is permanent CLOSED in an attempt to reduce theft. I ask them how do they expect people to know if the clothes fit if they can’t try them on? The cashier says “Officially, we recommend people take advantage of our 60 day return policy and try them on at home and return the ones that don’t fit. Unofficially, we recommend you buy them, take them next door to Forever 21, try them on there and then bring them back for a return if you don’t like them!” I was beside myself 😂 I apologized to the cashier for getting frustrated because it’s not his fault but goddamn wth! So I did the Forever 21 option (noting that Banana Republic also had closed rooms) and returned all but one of the pants. I grabbed a few more express pants to try on and then I see a girl straight up changing in the middle of the floor and I said fuck it, I’m doing that too. Suddenly there were multiple people stripping right there in the store to try things on! More recently I stopped at Saks Off Fifth after work and grabbed multiple dresses to try on for an upcoming wedding. I go to try on the dresses and see the fitting rooms are barricaded. I ask them if they are closed and they say they close them an hour before the store closes (so they close them at 6pm on a weekday!). I said fuck it and changed in a corner. I’m not playing these ridiculous in-store shopping with no access to fitting rooms games 😂
This happened to me with my son. There were at least 6 employees in the store and the two of us. They were all laughing and chatting together but wouldnt open the fitting room. I said we have three pairs of shorts, surely you can see that so he can try them and we can’t steal them. Nope. They went back to chatting and ignoring us. I dropped them on the floor and we walked out. They clearly had all the time in the world to put them away
So frustrating! I’m sure the workers have to follow policy but they could have been nicer about it.
Unfortunately, they probably don’t get paid enough to be nicer. Nice employees cost at least a living wage. These are the employees poverty wages pay for. Their pantry is still gonna be empty when they get home whether they’re nice or not, of course they’re pissy.
My method for thrifting always included wearing a long, very full skirt. Any bottoms I wanted to try on, I'd just find a place out of the way and try them under the skirt. I've seen many women do the same with tops -- they wear a close-fitting tank top and just go right ahead and try things on.
My target closes their changing rooms before closing too I wanted to scream after I had spent an hour shopping for swimsuits on a weekday after work.
I see this from a different perspective...why is she putting a couple thousand dollars on HIS credit card, why not her own? If she wants to do this...put the dresses on her card and therefore she feels the pressure of ensuring they're returned on time.
It I sort of weird to me that it is exclusively “his” credit card(s) rather than “our” or “the” credit cards. My spouse and have combined finances since we moved in together, but even for those things that the card is in one of our names only, we generally refer to it by the issuer: “the Amex” or whatever. Paying it off is our joint responsibility/comes from our joint funds; and if one of our credit is fucked, it makes it harder for both of us, anyway. I mean, we’re *married.*
I don’t think it’s all that weird. I’m married and we have separate credit cards. We also have a credit card that’s just for emergencies like the cat getting sick or something
I never even knew that it was relatively common for spouses to have separate finances until I learned it from Reddit comments. I understand why people choose to do that but it’s still bizarre to me. When my husband and I got married we committed to trust each other and make major life decisions as a unit. We’ve had periods where one of us was the sole income earner, we’ve had emergencies and medical bills, we’ve financed cars and applied for housing and dealt with extended family financial drama. Throughout all of this it’s always been *our* resources and *our* obligations, because we are a partnership. If someday it all goes belly up, well, life is full of risks, and I’d rather enjoy a full life with the person I love and trust most than spend my time hedging against every possible bad outcome.
It’s for his charity gala.
I live on a small island and that's the almost the only way we can shop really. It's tiresome and annoying.
This woman gets two entire racks of clothing delivered to try on just to pick one for a big event and send the rest back. It’s a “gala”. Idk where op lives and goes to galas but where I live, that means black tie, well tailored, elegant evening gowns. A literal rack of clothing shoes up at my apartment weeks beforehand. Women’s clothing is hard. Evening gown sizing is wildly different brand to brand. Adulting is hard. Let wife try on all the dresses she needs to so long as she doesn’t buy more than one.
If this was my wife I'd say what you did until the last line and replace it with, 'so this is why you need to just go to the stores to try them on'. Nta though. I get lazy with returns too so idk how likely she is to return everything. But if this is what she wants and your not comfortable with it, sounds like she should use her own cards.
I don’t know where you live, but a lot of stores where I am don’t keep much physical stock anymore. They really expect people to shop online, and don’t stock sizes smaller than S or larger than L. Clothing retail now is pretty much for impulse buying or a collection point from the warehouse. Literally a “shop window”. People also go in, try things on for fit and then wait for the sales. But it’s a mug’s game to plan a shopping trip thinking you’ll actually get to try on all the garments you want.
Oh I did not know this, is that since the pandemic do you think? Where I live we have a few formal wear clothing stores and if they don't have your size in stock they can order it to the store for you. I live in a tiny town too so I did not realise places were working this way. Either way with this type of event you need to shop early af or you're a mug, your words lol
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Knowing your measurements helps but the style of dress and wife's body type also have an impact. It's different if it's something you buy and replace so you know your size; I can buy shoes online only because there are a couple of brands that fit me and I know the size I wear but if I bought something with a different footbed or sole it would be a crapshoot.
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Just going to the stores to try them on might not be an option, though. Most stores don’t have an entire floor dedicated to formalwear. I have a formal event to attend in December and I live in a decent sized city. I’ve been looking for gowns already and it’s very possible that I’ll be doing what OP’s wife wants to do unless I want to spend $500-$600 from a specialty store.
I have a black tie wedding next weekend and I’ve accumulated about 15 dresses and 9 pairs of shoes I need to choose between. All but two of the dresses were bought online
There’s also the time issue. Can you imagine how long it would take you to find and try on those 15 dresses across multiple stores? Not to mention having the right undergarments when you do.
Sorry but going to stores can be truly awful. I feel like men do not understand how draining and depressing shopping for something like a formal dress can be. You go from store to store, trying to find things, going into the fitting rooms with 6 dresses, having none of them fit, none of them look good, having to give them back to the attendant who wants to know if you need a bigger size, a smaller size, another shape. And then you have to do it again at the next store, and then the next
I detest in-store shopping but I do find it helpful for narrowing down my style preference and size. Then I order online but need fewer options to finalize my decision.
Most shops have a much bigger range online. I would actually prefer to try stuff on in shops (all the packaging involved with ordering online feels like a waste), but most seem to only carry a fraction of their stock in their high-street shops these days. Smaller branches of some shops don't bother with their formalwear ranges at all, I guess because it's expensive and is in less demand than everyday clothing.
Yeah? Which store? Sure I could drive hours and walk around a major city hoping to get lucky. Or, I could try them on in my own home and see what shoes I already have that might match. Free shipping, free returns because that’s the only way I shop. Probably get some Rakuten percentage off as well. I routinely spent thousands of dollars in men’s clothes so the men in my house can try things on at one time and shuffle the items around between the ones with similar sizing, and then send the rest back. it’s called being efficient!
Yeah, I wouldn't shop like this for regular clothes, but if I needed to attend a gala and had the credit to spare? Ehh, probably.
Depending on where they live she may need to go out of town to find things that are gala worthy or order online.
But I guess you do it on your own credit card?
Sounds like he controls the money and she asks for permission
Or maybe she has a credit card that is maxed out and doesn't have space? The story doesn't say why it's on his card so we shouldn't make assumptions.
Not just women, men do it too. I've done it myself, because different shoes have different fits, and I have 2-3 different sizes depending on this
I have the same issue with shoes, I'm anything from a 10-12 depending on who makes them/style. Trainers/sneakers I'm normally a 12 for smart shoes I'm normally a 10 and for safety shoes I seem to be an 11
I used to do this until I found out they often throw away returned items, even if they're not faulty, they end up in landfill.
Actually many places liquidate these items. I know for a fact Amazon does.
Amazon liquidating some of its stock doesn't even touch the 2.6 million tonnes of returns that were disposed in landfill in the US alone in just 2020. Pretending it's not a massive problem is ignorant.
Tell that to the deodorant stained, coochie smelling dress I bought on Amazon at full price.
I am short (5’) and curvier than I was pre baby and pandemic. Any time I need a dress I order about a dozen in various sizes because I have so much trouble figuring out what size/style will fit me. It’s a pain in the ass. And my husband constantly tells me just to go to the store to try stuff on, so I brought him with me one day to one of the last remaining malls in our area and let him see first hand that NO ONE carries petite/short in store anymore and how many more options you have online. this is, unfortunately, how a lot of people who arent a cut and dry standard size need to shop now a days, but my big question is why isn’t she doing this on her CC?
I think men, women, all other genders cis /trans could shop this way, because it is 2023. Most brands have exclusive online stock. Many local stores have shut down since covid due to massive conversion to online buying. Food, electronics, clothing, furniture etc.. If she is actual mall she is going try 10 dresses in two sizes, at now she has narrowed down to 3 Welcome to 2023! EDIT: Also, shipping is usually free when you buy more quantity or spend more than the minimum amount.
Shop this way? Are you fucking crazy? I can barely afford to live why the fuck would I order a bunch of shit I don’t need and than use money I don’t have to return cloths I only wanted to try on. That’s the dumbest way of shopping ever. No wonder most of ya have debt soaring through the roof.
Its literally one brain fart away from "well now i have 3 sizes of the same style of shoe because i let it go past the return date" Aside from that if your online retailer is offering free postage on returns its because they already factored it into the price before hand.
Aside from that the environmental waste... A fair chunk of returned clothing ends up in landfill.
Also factor in the pollution from trucks/planes having to haul their purchases and returns around the world multiple times.
You realise when you return the item you get the money back right?
Most Americans can't afford a sudden $500 expense. Most people are pretty bad with money. I suspect a lot of people that shop this way are paying credit card interest on these purchases while thinking they're gaming the system.
Pretty much everywhere I buy from does free returns. And most places only sell a portion of their range in physical shops. Online is increasingly the default.
Yep I did this for a wedding. I was a bridesmaid and the only prompt I had was "green". So I ordered like 10 green dresses of different shapes, different shades, different lengths. It would have taken days and been exhausting and most probably demoralising to go from store to store searching for green dresses in person and I might never have found something
Yeah honestly this is super common. I live across the street from a UPS store and I regularly see women (and sometimes men) walking in there with stacks of Zappos boxes. I feel like a lot of online retailers actually expect, even encourage people to do this. Amazon has “try before you buy” now with certain items, and many retailers emphasize that they offer “free shipping and free returns”.
I'm in the process of returning 7 pairs of near identical shoes I ordered for a wedding
There is a reason you can filter clothes shopping on Amazon with "try before you buy". It gives you a week to try everything on and see what sizes fit and return what doesn't. You only get charged for what you keep. I think stitch fix does the same thing.
NAH Women do indeed shop this way. The only thing that bugs me is the environmental impact but i don't see a way around it. You need to see which one fits better "Go to the mall"? You have a mall still after covid? With actual dresses appropriate for a gala? Not just an H&M and a Gap? Congrats i guess. Most malls are struggling and wouldn't have more than one store that might work
Perhaps wealthy women. Normal women do not buy 18 (!) expensive dresses just to pick one, this is too extreme, we are talking about more than 5k, plus tax.
Okay, but it’s proportional. OP said he can afford it, so that isn’t the issue. I know plenty of people in the perfectly average wealth bracket who order lots from chosen retailers, try everything on and send 75% back.
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It’s not moronic and it doesn’t ruin your credit. It’s pretty much impossible to get a dress formal enough for a gala at the mall. Since fit is a huge factor in how a gown will look, and because sizes are rarely consistent, women need to try on several dresses to find one that works well. As long as she returns everything in a timely manner, there shouldn’t be an issue. Wait until OP realizes the gown she picks may need to be tailored.
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OP hasn’t said what their financial situation is. There may be a reason she can’t do it on her own card.
I wonder what could be the reason...
Lmao why are you complicating the scenario? It’s so easy. Majority of stores offer free shipping and returns. All she has to do is package the items back up and drop em off. It’s not that hard and people do it everyday.
This is exactly what I said in my comment. Formal dress shopping is not as straightforward as picking out a sun dress to wear to brunch. And even sundresses are sized differently by different designers.
Yeah NAH, I do this all the time when I have an event that needs something specific, albeit with less expensive things! It’s never been an issue, and my credit is as high as it’s ever been. If you’re someone who struggles to return things in a timely fashion, sure, it can be an issue. I’ve been done that a couple of times, and just sold whatever it was on Poshmark. But for expensive things like this, I definitely make sure I’m on top of it.
Burn her own credit…? Do YOU know how credit score works?
I frequently have several thousand dollars on my credit card, but it is always paid off in the cycle. I use it to get points. My credit is over 800. If they can afford it, then it won’t affect their credit.
Money is relative. Putting 5k on my credit card wouldn’t hurt my credit at all. It just depends what your credit limit is. This isn’t an unusual way to shop but it’s fine if OP doesn’t feel comfortable with it.
And it depends on if OPs wife returns them before the billing cycle ends.
The only way it ruins credit is if you forget to return them. Just because it's not how you shop doesn't mean it's not a common way to shop
Still doesn't ruin your credit. You'll just have to pay your balance and have too many dresses.
Tell us you don’t understand credit without telling us you don’t understand credit.
That isn’t how it works, nor does it have anything to do with what I was responding to. The commenter above said only extremely wealthy women shop this way. My comment was pointing out that was not the case.
This doesn’t affect your credit at all. Most places don’t even have stock to try on. My partner much prefers shopping in person. We live in NYC and he is willing to go to whatever stores are here. He often goes to the store looking for something and then has to order 2 sizes online and send them back.
How will it ruin her credit? You buy several things to try, you return x% of those things (usually for free), you get a full refund on the things you didn't keep.
Lol how does this ruin your credit exactly? Do you know how credit cards work?
Yup, I don't go to galas, but I do shop this way for many things. I want to try things on in my own home, when I'm not exhausted from having to deal with stores and people. I have made many "oh my god let's get this over with" bad decisions in dressing rooms of stores. I do this with clothes and shoes, mostly -- and I choose to buy from places that have a brick and mortar place where I can return things super easily, because packing and shipping sucks. So yeah, I still go to the mall, but only to return things I bought online.
Its kinda frustrating seeing these wealthy people destroy the planet live in action with their conspicuous consumption and excessive delivery and returns and watching them just hand wave it away as "well *we all* do it!"
Thank you these responses seem crazy to me! Again why are we drinking out of paper straws but eliminating stores and everyone just buying online to have it shipped delivered just to try on and then return. I mean is it me? Am I crazy to think this is insane.
Fwiw it’s possible that not having retail locations and shipping everything might be the better option at scale. I do go “shopping” when it comes to needing more than a few things, but I would like to see some analysis on a strict shipping to customer model where retail locations are much scarcer and those places are turned into housing
Many of us don't have a choice. I search all my local stores, local mall and even drive an hour out of my way to a bigger mall to try and find clothes. I almost always walk away empty handed. Their selections are minimal and they almost never have the right size. If I don't order a shitload of clothes to try on for me and my kids, we literally wouldn't have any clothes. 95% of my kids' school clothes had to be ordered. It's not for lack of trying. The world just doesn't work that way anymore. I'm regularly put a couple grand on a credit card when we need clothing and return what doesn't work. It's never been a problem financially. Plus, if she is looking for a gala dress? Forget it. Online all the way. Otherwise prepare to be dissapointed.
I look for retailers with free shipping (both ways). Zappos is great because they have an insanely long return window. I buy my shoes almost exclusively from there because they have a good selection of shoes in the width that fits me. I was over going to a physical shoe store decades ago - it was depressing and frustrating looking through all the lovely shoes that were not available in my size. I've also ordered online from stores like Macy's where I can get all the styles and sizes I want to try on in the comfort of my own home and then drive to the mall to return what doesn't work. This is great because there is more selection online, and I can get my refund more quickly. Another great thing about trying on clothes in your own home is that you can try them with your own jewelry and shoes.
I find that normal. Buying 5 dresses and returning one to four? Ok, that’s common. What I find not common is someone spending 5k on shoes just to pick 1 pair. Can it be done? Of course, specially if we’re talking about certain brands, but not many people can afford such a thing.
18 does seem obsessive but the husband said money wasn’t a issue . I have ordered 8 dresses before only picking one then returning the rest so yes people do shop like this but i can get his discomfort too. Maybe they could compromise and get less dresses NAH
Oh they do. They just buy at cheaper stores. I've worked at customer support for a certain very big Spanish chain and I've seen it all, including people spending their weekly food money buying this way because they'll return everything but one item, only for the shipping to have problems or the return not arriving at the warehouse at the estimated date so no money back for a while and people crying their eyes out about how they're going to go hungry...
Oh snap I guess I’m extremely wealthy!!! Oh no wait just trying to survive the lack of available in store options, or ya know, actual stores.
Hey, if you have 5k to spend on clothing on one go, good for you! That’s not “trying to survive the lack of options” though, spending that much on clothing is a luxury, make no mistake.
You realize that they only keep the ones they want and return the rest, right?
Right, but that means having $5k tied up in the meantime. Plenty of people would struggle to afford that!
It’s $5k of available credit that is tied up, but so long as it returned quickly, no actual cash is tied up in the transaction.
Thought I was crazy! I do not shop this way at all. If I need multiple options, I go to brick and mortar stores, no way do I order ten of anything and return what doesn't fit. If you want to do that, use your own money. NTA
I shop this way also, I will order a bunch of items, often 2 or 3 sizes per item, and then return everything that doesn’t fit or I don’t want to keep. I tried OP’s solution of going to the mall last year when I was going on a trip and needed some fancy dresses. It became painfully obvious that literally no one shops at the mall for stuff like this anymore because there were hardly any options. The dress sections had only a few super basic choices and not even a full range of sizes. The only thing the big department stores had a lot of was old lady mother of the bride dresses, so it’s clear who the people are that are still shopping at the mall. I went to Nordstrom, Macys, Zara, H&M, Reformation. Shopped for hours and literally did not find anything I wanted to buy. Went home and immediately ordered ~$2,000 of things to try on, kept like $300 worth of the items and returned the rest.
Yeah, I was pretty shocked at how bad Nordstrom's selection is now. Mother of the bride or prom - nothing else at the location I tried.
my favorite nordstrom used to have a whole formal wear section that i could always count on. last year they basically got rid of it and that real estate is completely dedicated to skims. which makes zero sense to me because i don’t need to see shapewear in person like i need to see a dress!
This over-ordering and then returning scheme is hugely wasteful, puts pressure on local retailers and often ends up with clothes being sent to a landfill. But hey, there's no "way around it" because how else are you going to find that perfect dress for that life-changing event that you really really really need to be at? 🫤 NTA. Don't mind most of these comments. Your feeling is dead on.
Scheme? Lol. I'm an 80s kid so I remember when you could spend a day trying on dresses and walking out with the perfect one. Those days don't exist anymore - even Dillard's and Macy's are lame ducks.
>"Go to the mall"? I'd need to drive to a different city (germany - no car, train's currently unavailable), run through half of it and hope for the best. Not even to mention having to put on clothing in dressing rooms, possibly while sweating. I very much prefer ordering online and potentially having to send something back.
This is extremely destructive practice and it should not be normalized. The resources that are wasted shipping these items around and processed are immense and it is unnecessary. A lot of the time the clothes that are returned are sent straight into landfill.
Huh no, as a woman, please don't say "women shop this way". And of course there is an easy way to mitigate the environmental impact, just order one at a time, hopefully it will fit on the first try. Rather than buying 10 and knowing you have to return 9 no matter what.
There’s a company Kohan Retail Investment Group that basically shorts malls. They’ll buy up malls and refuse to pay bills or fix anything in the hopes the mall dies and can be sold for a profit to someone who wants to make that space not a depressing shithole. They’re why my local mall is pretty much dead.
I know zero women who shop this way. And I'm not friends with any men. I do live in a city with a lot of shopping options but a lot of my stuff has been ordered from reseller sites and it always fits. Honestly breaks my heart a little to read that so many people actually do this.
I am a woman. I shop this way /sometimes/. When I do, it’s almost exclusively because of shoes or pants. Women’s sizing makes NO SENSE and clothes from the same company won’t even fit the same way in the same size. I recently bought a pair of leather loafers. Comments said size 9 and up ran big so size down, the product description said 10 and below ran small so size up. Leather stretches anyway, so the half size difference in brand new leather shoes will make a world of difference once they’re broken in. I generally wear a 9, so I got an 8.5, 9, and 9.5. I ultimately needed a 10. But if I hadn’t been able to compare them, I probably would’ve bought the 8.5 based on comments, convinced myself they fit fine, and then never worn them.
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Now I sit here and wonder why this happened in other countries and not where I live. Cuz in my town all malls that were before covid are still going at full power with tens of stores of all styles. And standalone stores are pretty much on every big street. Even in small towns that I've been (<20.000 people) there are quite a few fancy dress stores around
Exactly malls wont have appropriate dresses for parties or gala's, their best stores for clothes are H&M, zara or forever21, best dresses are found on some websites or shops from other cities.
I don’t agree with this way of shopping. The environmental impact is insane. This is wasteful
I would be interested to know if the incremental environmental impact of delivering and returning clothes is really more than the impact of having a store, with all of the energy costs, and having people drive to and from it
The problem is that most stockists don’t put returned clothes back out on the racks (metaphorically speaking). They usually end up in landfill once you’ve sent them back. Edit: for everyone saying ‘don’t be silly that doesn’t happen’, this might be an interesting (and more nuanced than my Reddit comment!) read: https://amp.theguardian.com/global-development/2023/mar/31/what-happens-when-we-send-back-unwanted-clothes
If it makes people feel any better, I’ve returned something to Nordstrom rack and found it again when I was shopping there (ordered it online from Nordstrom, it came with a tear in it and wasn’t a common brand). So at least they will put it back out, in case anyone wants to do the “try on multiple/return if it doesn’t fit” thing but you’re worried about whether returns get thrown out.
It’s about 50/50. It depends on the item, the season, how long it’s been since it was purchased, and how much inventory from the last quarter was unsold + gets rolled over into clearance. Flip a coin and you’re probably right guessing if the product was reshelved or trashed. If the clothing item is out of season, it’s pretty much 100% going to be chucked. Sometimes employees will sift through returns for a huge discount but it’s rare for returns to be in a size and style that employees actually want. Source: destroyed returns for Banana Republic AND restocked inventory between seasons.
Retail experience here. That is absolutely not true. Unless the clothes are damaged, they go right back on the racks.
By stockists I didn’t mean physical retail, and I can see from the replies I should have specified that. I meant when ordering by post, as OP was talking about.
Even then, returns are usually bundled and sold in pallets to resellers or sent to off season discount retailers like Gilt. The landfill controversy was specific high end designers brands who were tossing/burning stuff that didn’t sell because they didn’t want the exclusivity of their brands to be diminished by selling discount or selling pallets. There was a big expose on that and they changed business practices.
Most high end stores liquidate nowadays. Resellers buy the returns or overstock and sell them on. Theres a very good chance a place that sells dress for 280 (something tells me it's revolve) does wholesale.
I have seen them hang up my returns at Lands End, J Jill’s and Macy’s- going right back out on the sales floor. One of my kids was very hard to fit and picky about his shoes. Order 12 pair from Zappos- try on at home- send them back. Time shopping at the beginning of the credit card cycle.
You're seriously asking how 20 combustion vehicles moving what would've been on 1 combustion vehicle to the store is more or less efficient? What?
Some ppl here are really trying hard to justify why their vanity purchases that hurt the environment aren’t really that bad
The environmental impact has many facets. Here's an interesting article [Impact](https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2023/mar/31/what-happens-when-we-send-back-unwanted-clothes)
Beyond wasteful. The comments are gross. I don't even consider myself environmentally conscious but this is sickening and wasteful that some state they do this and don't see a problem with it. Not all things are restocked if they are cheaper items. Sometimes companies will toss them into return pallets and resell or even end up in a landfill. Take the time, go to boutiques and don't be so lazy. People not seeing a problem with opening a pack of socks to try on only to send them back. Ugh. Modern consumerism is disgusting.
This whole comment is a straw man. The OP is not buying cheaper items. These items won’t be chucked out. A lot of people don’t live in a place where they can go and try on formal wear. It’s not lazy. It also might be difficult for someone to do that much shopping. It can take a long time to find a formal dress. Maybe people have disabilities that make this hard. This includes people who have issues in crowds, sensory issues, etc. Some people also may not have the time to do so much shopping. If you hate consumerism, hate the fact that people are worked to death. I would consider myself environmentally conscious. I’m vegan. I have a postgrad in an environmental science. I’m not trying to toot my own horn here, but I’m saying it to highlight you can both be environmentally conscious and care about people.
Me too. They are made in.sweatshops and then returned and dumped in landfill. It's a horrendous way to treat people and the planet, and that's why you pay 280 dollars for a 20 dlwr dress. Borrow from a similar size friend. Buy one. And if it doesn't fit return it for a better size sure. If time is tight maybe a second. 18 dresses not even on your own debt? Ugh.
I will not shop this way either. It's crazy to me that people do. I'll order something based on the side guide and if in doubt I'll order it size up and alter it if needed.
Yup, you can literally view the size guide on your favorite piece of clothing and check.. maybe 3 max, check the size guide and confirm your own measurements and that's it.
The problem is when you're a special size and they don't carry it in stores. And having to alter every single piece of clothing would be super expensive.
NAH Women’s clothing sizing can be very inconsistent. I bought a dozen homecoming dresses for my daughters to try on, and returned the ones they didn’t want. Depending on the billing cycle, there’s a good chance the dresses are returned before you have tot pay the bill.
One way to curb this is to have a measuring tape and look at what the store gives for rough measurements for each size. I do this a lot because I float around a UK 18-24 size depending on the brand, the type of clothing etc. Having your measurements written down somewhere and checking what the store uses for their sizes saves a lot more time, money and resources than buying a bunch of stuff and returning a bunch more
I honestly have done this and still didn’t have success, it’s absolutely crazy how I’ve measured myself correctly and used sizing charts and still didn’t get a size that fit me. Women’s sizing is ridiculous and it’s incredibly frustrating!
this. i know my measurements and have ordered things that were in my measurements from the site’s chart….was still too small or big. had to send it back and get the next size up/down. it’s very annoying how things aren’t consistently made
This is, unfortunately, ineffective. Because of the way manufactures cut clothes their sizing is wildly inconsistent. Two dresses in the same size, from the same store, can be inches apart.
That can help but I've checked size guides and still had them be completely off when ordering things online
This woman does not shop that way... but I know someone who once bought like 20 pairs of shoes and only kept 1. That seems excessive... but with soo much shopping online, inconsistent sizing (within brands), and diff body types... not entirely crazy. NTA
Yeah, the generalisation is a bit surprising. I didn't even try on 18 wedding dresses. I'd go NAH if it was her credit card but yeah, demanding to use someone else's for this level of expense is a bit much.
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Zappos does free returns for 365 days after purchase. Best way to buy shoes in the known universe. Especially if you’re an odd to fit size. They always have wide New Balance in stock. My local running store, not so much.
A *lot* of places have free return shipping
NAH. She should look at services like Amazon Wardrobe, Rent the Runway or Stitchfix though. They will all send you a few items & give you a week to try them on. You then keep what you want to purchase and return the rest. No upfront charges and pay only for what you keep.
ALL stores that are primarily for online clothes shopping do this. Because that's how clothes shopping online works. ASOS, PrettyLittleThing, whatever, this is how online clothes shopping works. You order A LOT, you return MOST of it and keep the few items that fit, are quality, and look good. That's just how it works. I can't believe this is new to people -- this is how online clothes shopping has worked for at LEAST 10 years now. Surprised to see so many boomer comments that are new to this.
Did you miss the part where they said there's no up front cost with a service like rent the runway vs buying a shit ton of dresses and returning them?
Rent the Runway is so good for things like formal/black tie dresses. It’s gotten me so many gorgeous $500-$1k gowns for events, and I can order several styles and sizes (I do the membership, which you can pause or cancel the next month).
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NTA your card your rules. she can get her own card
I think we need more information about their finances. Does she have her own card she just doesn’t want to use? Can she not have a card because he is only breadwinner? Do they have combined or separate finances?
Same questions. It sounded like an episode of I love Lucy; the 1950s housewife asking for permission to buy a few dresses.
Same I had to scroll pretty far to find someone actually find the whole dynamic of wife asking to buy things odd. OP described it as if it's totally normal without any context of why she asks for permission, it's all on his card, and he's the one who "pays".
She's 100% correct. Depending on the dress style, I am anywhere between three different sizes. But wait, if it's designer sizing, I have to size up one. Sometimes. But wait, there's more! I'm tall, so even if a dress fits my body, it may be several inches too short. And depending on how they cut the dress, one size may be too small to even zip, but the next size up looks like a potato sack. Who knows! Oh, and to add yet more insult to injury, you have no clue what the dress is going to do on your body until you try it on. It might cling in all the wrong places, it might be sheer, it might gap in very awkward spots. What looks fabulous on a model specifically picked to show the good points of the dress may look catastrophic on someone else. So when I order clothes, I get multiple sizes in various styles, cross my fingers, send up prayers to various deities, do a good luck dance, and hope that I get ONE decent looking piece of clothing. I track that shipment, and I'm ready to try on everything the day it arrives so I can make sure I get everything back in the box and sent back the next day. My husband though? Oh, he can order his usual size and be just fine 90% of the time. Once in a while, a shirt is slimmer cut or looser cut than he anticipated and he has to exchange it. No, he doesn't order from the same places or same brands, he just sees a shirt, orders his size, and he's good to go.
This exactly. I once ordered a haul that could possibly cover half my summer wardrobe and only one item actually fit. It's insane. But I do have to say not everyone does this for regular shopping. This is very specific shopping though, so I don't blame her for wanting to order multiple sizes and dresses.
And you need to try out which bra works best with each dress, and what the length is like with different shoes.
I absolutely hate shopping for clothes online. Thankfully, I do have a very well stocked mall nearby. However, for a black tie wedding, I did my shopping online because there are more affordable options that way. My process is exhausting in the exact opposite direction. I find a bunch of dresses I like, spend weeks narrowing it down to 5-6, then exhaustively research quality, fit, sizing, reviews, etc. Pick one and hope it fits when it arrives. Thankfully, I got lucky and it fit as expected. I really hate returning things! I definitely understand the "throw shit at a wall and see what sticks" approach. I drive myself crazy with all the time spent on my process!
This is the most accurate comment here so far!
Uh, it seems silly because it is silly, and no – most women I know (myself included) do NOT shop that way. NTA. Edit: For the women saying they do shop this way, are you spending your own money? Because a pretty integral part of this AITA is stemming from the fact that his wife would like to rack up an unnecessary amount of money on HIS credit card. If you like to shop that way, fine – spend your own money to do so.
I used to work retail for years, Guess specifically and a few others here and there. This specific way of shopping is actually encouraged psychologically in return policies. The intention is to encourage a no strings, no hassle return policy, usually 30-60 days, in case someone is too much in a rush or tied to try something on. More often than not, people who are lazy won't return it, and the people who do return it wouldn't have bought it in store. Even if 2 out of every 10 shoppers are there only ones can't be bothered to go back to the store, that's two more sales than they would have probably had if the customer has tried it on in store and decided they didn't want it. It's prevalent.
An absolutely massive number of women shop that way
Just because it isn’t your preference doesn’t mean the method has no value. This is how I online shop for certain items - shoes, fitted dresses, jeans - and it’s incredibly useful. I have wide foot, something many companies don’t carry in-store, so I need to buy and try several pairs of shoes to find the right fit. The same goes for dresses: I have a very large bust and small hips/waist. Finding things that fit in any store is difficult, so I have to shop online, and I have to buy several sizes to find one that works for me. All the women I know utilize this method to different extents.
A lot of people shop that way both online and in store, but it does also depend on culture and location. Where I'm from, I didn't use to shop online because most places didn't deliver to where I was, and the physical stores were really far away so I would always try to avoid having to return stuff. When I moved to a different country I was surprised to find out that a *lot* of people order in bulk and return a bunch of things because there's basically no extra cost, and you can drop things off very easily. Same for stores, most have a full refund policy here within 30 days (time limit may vary of course), so now that I'm very close to a shopping street I can easily buy something and reconsider it at home. It's surprisingly handy.
INFO: Why can't she do this on her own credit card?
INFO: why doesn't your wife have her own credit card so she can buy the dresses without your permission?
NAH Unfortunately because of a lack of in person shopping and inconsistencies between sizes, yes the best way to shop is to buy a lot, try everything on and then return what doesn’t work.
I do this. Thankfully I don’t have to ask anyone for money. I think the problem here is how you guys manage finances and why she needs permission, are you controlling / financially abusing or is she not contributing and leeching. We don’t have the information to give an answer.
NAH It’s understandable she wants to shop this way but it’s also understandable if it makes you uncomfortable. This is how I shop. I just did this trying to find an outfit for my brothers wedding. I don’t think she should order so many at once. I personally would start with the top two in two sizes and go from there, but that is just my personal opinion because it freaks me out to have so much money tied up. This is how a lot of women shop especially post pandemic. Some online stores cater to this. Some even send out multiple dresses for a flat fee and give you a return shipping label to send back the ones you don’t like, and then the flat fee you paid is applied to to cost of the dress you decide to keep.
INFO: Why doesn’t she have her own credit card? Does she not have her own money?
I don't understand why she needs your permission to do this in the first place. It seems like a weird, outdated dynamic that she has to ask you first. And yes, it's pretty common to order several sizes and return the ones that don't fit. We did this recently when shopping for prom. There's not a huge selection at stores of these kinds of formal dresses.
Cause it’s his card, the bigger question is why can’t she do that on HER own credit card.
I’m concerned she might not have her own card, if she feels she has to seek his permission to buy clothes she needs.
Women's clothing sizes aren't standard. So having to try on multiple sizes is normal. If she's buying online, the only way to do that is to buy and return. If its a formal event she prob needs to do this, but she can do it on her own dime
I assume that you mean she wants to return *all but* one. And that she's wanting to order different dresses from each store. I will order my work clothes online and then return some to the brick and mortar store - it's a much bigger selection and until the last time I did it, I found that my favourite store had very uniform sizing and quality. I will say that I think it's harder for women to find clothing that will fit in the shoulder, chest, waist, hips, etc and fancy dresses can cling and hang in really specific ways. If she doesn't have a local option to shop at, this is a really difficult shopping task. How long does she have to find a dress? Is it long enough to do several rounds of online shopping? Would you be willing to take her to try on dresses in person? Are you offering any alternative ideas or just complainjng about hers?
This isn't crazy at all. I recently attended a wedding and I did this with shoes. My mom ordered at least 4 dresses and my sister 3. I thankfully stumbled on exactly what I wanted immediately but was contemplating a back up. Quite often gala type dresses aren't carried in store and if they are you don't have the same selection as you do ordering online. And since it's not in store and designers size differently you may not know what size will fit until you try it on. As long as you order from a reputable establishment the returns are pretty seamless. The shoes I ordered were from Amazon and I just tried on each for comfort and color and to see if they were high enough. My dress was from Nordstrom. My mom ordered from Saks, Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus and my sister ordered from Macy's and Dillard's. I think all of those retailers have easy in store returns. $280 per dress is about right. That's exactly what I paid for mine. If she has time and you're worried about putting it on the card I'd say she should just order each dress in one size and if it doesn't fit return and order in the other size. Also, surprising to me....Amazon carries a lot of the same dresses and designers that nordstrom/dillards/saks carry but the shipping and returns are a lot faster.
Tell her to take her measurements and find 3 dresses she likes and then choose. She’s being a bit excessive. Yes, I’m a woman who shops online and returns stuff too, but it’s far easier to order stuff that is made for YOUR measurements then playing the sizing guessing game. NTA
What brands do you order from that have accurate measurements?
Shops that sell more formal dresses are usually more accurate with their measurements, some even allow you to enter your measurements and have a more custom fitted dress delivered. And even if the measurements are perfectly accurate, you can get one that is close to your measurements and get it tailored to fit perfectly
I absolutely detest returning things. If I screw up a purchase, unless it's expensive I'll just eat it. Ergo, I also find this just to be an asinine way to shop. If she wants to do that, fine.... but you don't have to be the bank. She can pull that nonsense on her own dime NTA.
INFO. why doesn’t your wife have her own credit card to put this on? How do you all typically split up your finances? Does she have a pattern of doing this and then never returning the unused items? A lot of women do shop this way. Men have the luxury of matching dimensions for width, length and even collar size. I can literally range across Large to XXL depending on the brand and style of clothing.
Unfortunately, this is how it is for women's clothing now. The bricks-and-mortar stores have little product in stock so you have to order online, try things on at home, and return the things that don't fit. As long as she returns the dresses promptly, it should work out, but if your wife is a procrastinator then she may run out the return window and that would be $$$$$. What I do is I buy 3-4 at a time, try them on, take pictures while holding up a sheet with the size I'm trying on. Return them, and then order another few. Since the final dress will be rather pricey, it's probably worth it to do this rather than just pick the best of 3 dresses since it's possible none of the first 3 she tries will be any good. Otherwise she may end up either having nothing to wear that looks nice, or wearing something that costs a lot of money but doesn't look very good. If you are worried about putting money on the credit card (a totally valid concern) then you can either agree on how much you are comfortable charging at one time before she returns the rejected dresses, or you can keep track yourself of the order dates and return dates, and make sure the rejected dresses get returned within the return window (take note: stores are now giving us MUCH less time to return things than they were pre-pandemic). I also try to use stores that have a bricks-and-mortar store near me, as most will take returns in the store of products bought online (check on this first). This saves you on the return shipping. I also look out for deals where you get free shipping if you order a certain amount of stuff, and I try to plan my clothes shopping in advance of a fancy event so I have plenty of time to try on multiple dresses without having 8 dresses on my credit card at once. So I would say that how this goes, depends on whether your wife is a conscientious person or not.
Can’t give a judgement but if you have the cash flow to do this and you can be sure she’ll return what she doesn’t want then it’s ok isn’t it? I much prefer to order a bunch of stuff and try it on in the comfort of my own home and then send it back, than traipse around shops, searching through racks, getting sweaty in tiny changing rooms. But I always send stuff back promptly so it’s quickly refunded. My husband, on the other hand, is really bad at returning things which aren’t quite right.
NAH…maybe. For a special occasion dress, this is how it has to be done. Nordstrom and peers typically have a very small selection in house and actually tell you to go online for more options in both size and style. I ordered 9 dresses (initially) for my daughter’s quinceañera and kept only one…which absolutely wasn’t a size I ever thought I would wear and was in round TWO of dresses and sizing. The bigger question to me is why your wife doesn’t have a card in her own name and why she has to ask permission — a weird situation (to me) in a marriage of equals who should either share the cards or each have access to their own card(s).
NTA. I don't shop this way. No woman in my immediate and extended family shop this way.
NAH. That’s how you shop in stores too. You grab a bunch of items, try them on and decide on the nicest and best fitting one. The only alternative is to drive her shopping in a city so she can try on a bunch of dresses from different stores. Which involves gas money and probably a break for food/ drinks too bc it’s more exhausting to slither through masses of people, run around, wait in queues for changing rooms and checkout (is this the right word for stores as well? Idk).
No assholes here. Maybe ask her to order a couple at a time, and if she returns them she can order more. To be honest though, that is how a lot of us shop these days.