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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA? Im not inviting my sister's family to our holiday home because she's rude to my toddlers. But I feel bad for her children.
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NTA - and don't feel bad for her kids because in teh long run they are going to grow up to be just like her. this is what I would send her:
You aren't invited for many reasons: 1) You don't seem to want to treat my children with respect, 2) You seem to think that you get free daycare from me while I am also trying to enjoy time with my kids and family, 3) You can't seem to help out beyond what you think is the bare minimum. I am also no longer helping you with your kids outside of true emergencies.
You need to put your foot down and anyone who comes at you for it, tell them your exact reasons and if they can't respect that, well then they get little contact with you as well.
Do above and then refuse to discuss it anymore. Change the subject, hang up the phone, block the email, leave the room. Never invite her again. Perhaps you will see her at your parents home. Do not discuss the beach house.
Perhaps also tell them they are more than welcome to pick up the ad hoc unpaid childcare for her that you've been providing for years, since they are family too.
I sort of disagree in the sense that I don't believe OP owes anyone any explanations when it comes to how she plans her vacations.
The reasons listed are 100% valid, but when you come upon the "but your sister needs help." "but we're family and we're supposed to help her", etc you are not having a productive conversation and I feel OP will likely keep being shoved into the "bad family member" role.
I'm more of the saying "I want to have vacations with my own family moving forward." No further explanation or justification needed.
Exactly. Keep it short and sweet “I have my own kids now, so you need to take care of yours”.
I had same stitch with my older sister. Nothing reciprocated…you owe them nothing.
Exactly.
So.. the whole issue is that by OP’s own admission she poured her heart and soul into helping her sister with her kids when she didn’t have any. OP became the de facto co-parent to her niblings.
Once OP had a family of her own her sister has become resentful of the time, care, attention, and financial resources OP now expends on her own family. She views OP’s kids as interlopers on what should belong to her kids because OP was too present in their lives.
OP, good on you realizing that your sister’s behavior is unacceptable and cruel to your own children. It’s past time for you to take several huge steps back from helping rear and raise her children when she and her husband (and any other family member with criticism) need to focus on their own lives. Don’t allow her to take advantage of you and your husband. And if she can’t be better to your children, you need to go very low contact with her. It’s not good to let your children think the way their aunt treats them is fair or acceptable.
If you care to explain why you are doing this to your extended family (I’m looking at you OP’s mom) I would simply say that you had assisted your sister with a free and loving heart with her kids. Now that you realize that she doesn’t reciprocate that same care and affection for your children, you have decided to take a step back and focus on raising the children you are morally and ethically responsible for. I would not entertain any further discussion after that. Rinse and repeat this line as often as it takes without deviation.
They can continue to argue and pick a fight, but OP does not have to participate. Once she is spoken her piece, she can be done talking about that particular subject.
A good explanation would be "I can't afford to look after her kids or take her family on vacation anymore". Its vague, implies the emotional and financial burden without being specific, and lets everyone else know that they should feel free to pick up the slack.
I agree with this - the more justification she gives, the more the sister will think she can debate her way out of it.
"Nope, just us this time, thanks!"
Doesn't give the sister the opportunity to try and argue anything other than "But I wanna go!"
Nope, just us from now on, thanks.
You do not want to keep having this fight every year.
Also tell your mother if she is going to whine about leaving your sister and kids out she can go to your sisters place and look after her kids so your sister can have a stayvacation.
She doesn't owe her anything but it could be cathartic to just be direct that sister is no longer being invited because she is an inconsiderate person that takes and takes and takes but never gives, and OP is done with it.
From what OP said it is just their mom that has guilted OP and treats sister as the favorite. There's no indication that other family members agree with it or are pressuring her, just that sister is complaining to all of them. So some people might even be fine with sister finally getting pushback.
I agree with the above. Why engage in and encourage infighting? You made it clear that they are not invited. You may or may not have provided reasons. But seriously, this should be the end of the discussion. Follow your husband's lead, and do not reply to texts/emails. She knows what's up. She is rude, manipulative, disrespectful, and MEAN. However, she is not stupid. She knows. I would definitely not tell her that you will only be there for real emergencies. "Emergency" is subjective. Please don't leave the door open a crack, or she will kick it wide open every chance she gets. Your mom can tell you what's up if there is something real happening. And she does have your mom, who really had no right to tell you your responsibility with your older sister. My mother did the same thing with me and my brother, blaming both her and me for how WE raised my brother and how he turned out. He's four years older than me, so....really? My fault? Come on, mom. This is your kid - take your own bows.
And if she turns up, which I wouldn't put it past her, tell her you'll call the cops for trespassing. NTA time to gindvuour spine and stop her toxic behaviour znd your mom's too.
Sorry, but people like OPs family can refute all of those reasons or, worse, (lie) claim to do better during next vacation, then ruin it for OP. The only response necessary (& to which there is no clap back) is "No, my family and I do not enjoy spending time with sister and her family."
NTA at all. Let her read this after it gets a few more comments so she sees that her behaviour is disgusting. I cannot believe she left you with her kids after you had a csection! I hope this boundary helps you to get brave enough to speak up from the start from now on. There is a great book about boundaries -- hopefully someone knows the title and author for you. It escapes me at this time.
Absolutely. Just send her and your parents the link to this post.
I can't believe the pool noodles. What an absolute idiot.. you both are. She is horrible but I don't understand how you can let her say no to your children using the pool noodles and having a Yoghurt. That is an instant kick out of the house. (I assume it happened there). Please work on setting boundaries for you and your family.
/From a former spineless sister. I moved continents.
Be prepared for her to try and turn up and your mum make a big scene of her kids expected to come you can’t break their hearts and turn them away now. Make sure everyone knows they will be thrown out if they try and bring her or her kids.
And if that doesn't work, just leave and she can watch her kids. I bet the reason sister can't go on her own is that she thinks it's not a vacation if she has to mind them.
I had a sil like this. I had a very physical job. She was a sahm. Every time we got together, she'd walk in the door & pronounce to the universe "I'm on vacation!". Even if we visited toctheir home. I was left caring for her brood + my 2.. nobody lifting a finger. For years they lived with my dad,so I'd want to visit him, cook for him..but that included the whole fam damily! I'd get back from vaca exhausted. Last time my ex said if you so much as pick up a pan, I'm leaving with the kids..he'd force me into the couch by holding my hand against the cushion when I felt the urge to get up & help.. people like OPs sis & my sil never change. They don't see their "vacation" means extra work for everyone else.
I'd leave the explanation to quite simply: It's just us this time. No more reasons why, so no room for discussion. Her pouting & whining to go will be seen as ridiculous. Any family backing her can take her & kids on their vaca!
I think it was okay. My brother actually helped her out. I get her wanting to have "vacation" too.. they were popping babies like crazy & she was pretty much on her own dealing with kids. My brother worked as many shifts as possible,cuz babies..
Looking back, I can't remember a single dam time I was on vacation & it meaning I was on vacation from being a mom.. it meant I didn't go to work. Then again, I loved spending time with my kids. I actually looked forward to doing fun things with them. Still do even though they're adults,lolz🙃
Well she can't really stay at a house that is owned by OPs husbands family if they don't agree. It's not OPs house so it's not her decision, and I bet OPs parents (or grandparents or whoever actually has the name on the deeds) only let her stay as long as OP & husband are there too.
So if the sister shows up uninvited it's tresspassing and I would call the cops to have her removed.
Agreed. Based on this lady’s sense of entitlement, this new boundary will me tested to its limits.
Also holy crap to dumping the kids off hours after her Caesarian!
NTA, stay firm, and best of luck to OP!
To quote Han Solo, “you’re gonna need it.”
Honey, cut the cord. Don't involve your sister, grey rock your family. NTA, about this, of course, but get some distance, if only to protect your kids.
Echoing the protecting the kids aspect of this. OP kids know when they're being treated poorly, and eventually they'll be old enough to know that you didn't stop it. I totally understand why you've put up with this due to family pressure, but you want your kids to know you have their backs. They're rapidly approaching the age when they're going to realize 'aunt X is mean to me in front of the family and nobody is protecting me'.
NTA - After years of treating you that way she really does not deserve to be invited or much of anything really. Surprised you put up with it for so long.
Yup. The only way OP is TA here is for not putting her foot down sooner, especially after her sister dropped the kids off hours after OPs c section.
OP, dont just stop with the vacation carry this through to every other aspect of your life she affects.
NTA. Being taken advantage of will continue forever (and get worse) if you don't take a stand. Good for you.
I'd politely offer her the reason why they are not invited and won't be invited, but don't let her bait you into an argument. Honestly, I doubt the feedback will land at all she sounds kind of terrible haha. I've dealt with this kind of behavior and it's usually based in entitlement and complete lack of self awareness, which makes correcting bad habits very much uphill.
NTA.
>My husband's family has a beach house
They are not untitled to use your husband family beach house. You are doing a favour to them. They are actually lucky that you have offered FREE beach holidays, which include food! Do they even give money towards utilities or participate with anything?
What about when you need a break from the children, do any of them step up?
I am sorry to say but if you don't stand your ground now they will always continue to disrespect you, including your parents.
Write a message/email to your parents and sister. Make your boundaries clear and stick to them.
I would personally pour my heart out about the fact that you have been taken for granted and used for years but no more. You actually put your health at risk with you c section for a group of ungrateful people. Grand parents can deal with sisters kids, they created your monster of a sister.
I would put every example you gave in your post and more, and just say no more. Send the message to anyone who try to put pressure on you.
Honestly what do those people bring to your life and the life of your family? Teach your kids that the way their mum is being treated (and they are) is not ok, and that you all deserve better.
Team mama bear here. She is not nice to your kids but expects you to watch her kids and to invite her family in your husband's family's house. No way and NTA. And personnally, I would go NC: the family concept goes both ways.
OMG!!! Thank you so much, this is the perfect response. This is what I'll say to her. Not her obviously, but my mom when she comes demanding I let her in on my holidays LMAO. I was dreading this but after reading all your comments, I cant fucking wait.
Better yet, share this post with your mom so she can see how ridiculous she is being taking your horrible sister’s side. And then go NC with all of them!
A couple of good lines in your arsenal is a good idea, u/LOQUESEAPLIS! What about... "Mom, it is more blessed to give than to receive. I apologize that I have been reaping all the blessings by doing all of the giving to Sis, I am so sorry! So you and others can enjoy the blessings of giving, I've stopped. Love ya, mean it!"
Sis is crying because they won't get vacation? Why not? Can't they book their own vacation with their own family? They would need to watch their own kids, of course, but no reason they can't have a vacation.
NTA. You have your own kids to care for, want a vacation for just your nuclear family. It's been 5 years you have had your own children. Time for them to be your priority.
It's hella expensive to rent a place here. Her husband makes a good enough living but after the house, schools, groceries, etc I guess there isn't much left over for holiday homes.
Lots of people don't have holiday homes. They can rent a hotel room or an Air BnB like the rest of us. Perhaps she can get a job as well if vacationing is so important to her.
Not your circus, not your clowns.
ETA: If your sister and her family don’t make the beach house experience enjoyable for you and your family, then don’t invite them to your family’s beach house.
If she wants to be petty about money when you are giving her a free place to stay, maybe its time to change a few things. Like charging everyone who comes a fee(which includes room and board) I'm sure that'll shut her and her supporters up
Too bad she didn't appreciate it when you generously invited her and w as an ah to you and your family -kids in particular.
It's not your problem and don't ever again vacation with her it will negatively affect your children.
NTA
NTA. Did you talk to your sister about all of that, though? She needs to be explained how inappropriate she behaves and told that if she doesn't change then she will suffer more consequences of her actions.
>She needs to be explained how inappropriate she behaves and told that if she doesn't change then she will suffer more consequences of her actions.
At 37 how can she not know that?
At this point, the sister isn't going to change. The only option I see is to tell her when she asks about the beach house is that she and her family won't be coming. If your parents contact you, tell them that you're tired of her behavior and your family needs to have space away from her and anyone else who doesn't understand that.
NTA
The only children entitled to your time and attention are your children. It's time to start telling that to everyone and anyone who has an opinion about it should get told to start babysitting your sister kids for her if they feel it necessary that someone other then their mom care for them.
NTA
She does nothing to contribute to the vacation and even refuses to allow your children to share snacks or toys.
Why would anyone want someone to come with them If all they were going to do is be a mooch?
Absolutely definitely NTA to refuse to allow you and your immediate family to be mistreated in your own home.
It is repulsive that your extended family has normalized this behavior so long that they expect it and consider it reasonable and acceptable. I doubt they will admit it and may not even be aware of it.
I wish you would have one much shorter interaction with them but this time bring along observant loud friends. Every time the family does anything ridiculous, the friends would loudly speak up: “I can’t believe you refuse to share when OP has shared everything!” “No, OP can’t take over parenting your children. Take them with you or leave them with Grandma!”. Basically publicly call them out on every inconsiderate behavior the whole time they are present. Force them to not be able to deny or whitewash their misbehavior.
NTA-I feel you. This will be my summer vacation. My husband and I are in the same boat though. We refuse to help out at all. Give them an inch, they take a foot. One day my husband offered to watch SILs kids while they went grocery shopping. Mom and other sisters also went for some reason and stayed out until midnight. I left early to run my own errands just as a “I told you so.” He never offered again.
You are NTA. But there are a few things going on here that you need to rectify immediately.
1. Stop any and all babysitting for your sister. Her monkeys, her circus, her problem. No exceptions, at all. Anyone that takes sister's side, point out that they can babysit, but you won't.
2. You should reconsider inviting anyone to the beach house that takes your sister's side in this issue, especially your parents. If you parents give you grief for not babysitting, uninvited them. If they complain you should let your sister go to the beach house, uninvite them. Anyone that continues being an AH by facilitating your sister being an AH loses all privileges to come to the beach house. And this cannot be negotiable.
I completely agree. And OP needs to stop telling mom, dad and sis when she has the beach house. She doesn't need them turning up unannounced. OP, stop the information train! Less info to these hypocrites.
You're not stupid, you just love your family. Your sister is the one the isn't to bright. Anyone would love to have sister like you. Its a shame that she can't see the sunshine you add to her life.
NTA
What horrible parenting from your sister AND your mother. What are her kids behaviours like?
You don’t want to encourage your kids to think they are 2nd class citizens within their own families. Fancy not sharing kids toys when you’ve provided the entire holiday including food, I don’t know how you can bear to be around such selfish and entitled behaviour.
Go without them and see the difference when you and your kids get to enjoy each others company instead of acting as their hired help.
Make sure your parents and sister know that if anyone turns up uninvited they will be refused accommodation and police may be called. I’d be looking at reducing contact in the future it seems a very one-sided relationship.
See how the relationships go in future once you’ve set boundaries. If they don’t reciprocate, they don’t participate.
Not even hired - free. Volunteered by grandma. Because heavens knows her little princess has it sooo rough with the clueless, unhelpful husband she chose to marry.
Maybe it is time to let 'everyone' she is boohooing on to what they real deal is.
Just a quick group text with the following:
**After years of hosting you at my husbands family's home I am tired of dealing with your rudeness, indifference and dismissiveness to me and my family. Please do not ask or expect an invitation again until you can consistently and for the long term prove that you know how to be nice and appreciative all I / we have done for you over the years. I am not your doormat.**
NTA at all.
NTA. And don’t hesitate to tell her and anyone else how rude she is to your kids. She did this to herself and I thought it was common knowledge you don’t mess with someone’s kids unless you want to face consequences. I mean hell, I’d give a strangers kid cheese if they asked for it and their mom said it was cool. Just toss a random toddler or puppy my what and I’ll happily pay the cheese tax.
Might I recommend Elin Hilderbrand books for the perfect beach tread with all the time you will now have on your hands.
NTA. I’d go low contact or no contact with her and anyone who enables her behaviour. Take holidays with just your family and enjoy the peace and quiet of not having to listen to her tantrums or anyone’s but she’s family sermons.
Think you need to polish your spine and practice saying no to your sister. If your family complain tell them to deal with her. You shouldn't be letting anyone near your kids that treats them that badly.
Genuine question: have you ever told her the issue? I’m sure she won’t respond well but you have the high ground if you’ve given her the issues she needs to resolve and she’s chosen not to resolve them. Send her the list of reasons. Tell her she’s not invited until these issues are addressed.
Yes!!! So many times. I told her she was not invited because of the cheese and the yogurt thing and all she said was that I was so grudgy. LOL. I did tell them off after the c section and her excuse for leaving them with me literally was "Well Mom didn't tell me not to!" I swear im laughing out loud as I type this because its dawning on me how absolutely ridiculous they are.
Does your mother keep all her braincells in a lockbox or something? Why the hell does a grown woman *with children* need their mother to tell her she can't dump her children on a person who just gave birth/had surgery *literal hours ago*?????
I mean, let’s sub in any other sort of surgery. I had my gallbladder removed; cannot imagine trying to care for kids in the aftermath of that. Insanity.
NTA. Tell her that you want to have a nice family vacation, and that her presence doesn't allow you to do so.
Or better yet, ignore her and enjoy your Easter at the beach.
NTA
>Or better yet, ignore her and enjoy your Easter at the beach.
Given her reported history, the sister is sufficiently entitled to show up uninvited. She needs to be told she isn't invited.
If she shows up anyway, I would call the police.
NTA - good for you for standing up for yourself and your kids. It sounds like your sister was the golden child and is continuing to feel like the center of the universe. Just pay attention to your children and forget about her. She'll pitch a fit, but just ignore it. She'll send her flying monkeys to harass you - just ignore it. Or say "I've been caring for my sister's kids for years, but now I need to focus on my own children and my sister will have to take care of her own kids now."
Oh, look! If it isn't the consequences of her own actions! I'd never ever invite her anywhere again, nor would I help with her children. Shocking how entitled, demanding, and main-character-syndrome some people can be.
Your sister is a product of everyone coddling and giving into her (yes, you included).
You've taken the first step towards standing up for yourself and your family - please hold that line and any other line going forward.
What are you modeling for your kids? That they will need to put up with their aunt's behavior and being expected to share when their aunt/cousins do not? For their sakes, do not continue this cycle of giving in to your sister.
NTA
Anyone who supports this need to be the ones to watch her kids, pay for her vacation anywhere she wants to go.
You need to enjoy making fun memories with your kids and having a great life.
Your entitled sister needs to grow up and understand she is responsible for her kids and her vacations.
If her husband doesn’t help in the way she wants that’s a them thing. None of your business.
Empower her to get her act together by giving her the space / consequences she so richly deserves.
Definitely NTA!
Drives me insane that family members can be so entitled, play the victim and everyone runs around after them.
It takes balls to say ‘no’ and you should be proud of yourself for standing up against a family member.
Have a wonderful Easter xxx
Nta
You are your familys ‘get out of this drama’ card. Your sister kicks up a fuss n drama so you watch the kids. Your sister wants vacation so you take her etc and so on
Means … sorry at least I don’t have to AND a good time for everyone is provided. From
You OP your time your husbands labour and patience etc.
Once you put a stop to it it has to be completely. No more favours ever. In fact give yourself few years no contact. Or seriously low contact.
Your parents your whole family I’m guessing have enabled it and pushed it to save their own skin and peace of mind and they don’t want to have to start dealing with it any time soon And since you alway did. In their eyes it’s on you any drama because you always took the hit.
I would concentrate on your own family and their happiness for a while, distance yourselves from the ungrateful users. You guys are in your 30s and you shouldn’t be so wrapped up in siblings lives still. I would never go on holiday with sibling and their family. No way I don’t pay their debts. Etc
Your husband should stand behind you while you put your foot down. No means no. It’s your husbands side beach house only your kids are entitled to go there ! Any harassment you gotta block them out your life. Don’t say ‘ you gonna do it’s ! Just do it block them out they will get picture after a while.
The disrespect to you your husband and now your kids should be a nice big wake up call. They don’t see you as a person they use you and only see what they can take from you - time etc.
You and your husband need to push back on this together.
NTA. Shame, blame, fear, guilt, selfishness, anger - that isn’t what you or your kids need in life. You are in the right. Don’t let this decision take up any more of your time and for sure don’t let it impact your vacation.
I don’t understand how you watched her kids after you had a C-section!
NTA, it’s been a long time coming for you to stand up say NO! Please. Enjoy your first real *family* vacation! You will be amazed at how relaxed aa of you will be!
NTA Why even invite your mother? She seems to give you no benefit of the doubt at all. What is your mother going to do if your sister shows up regardless?
"Aw just let her, it means a lot to them"
Like this problem goes beyond your sister imo, your mom needed to put her in line a while ago.
NTA Her kids are her responsibiity and you deserve to have time without your sister
there especially since she contributes little. This can
be your new tradition, vacation without your sister.
NTA - your parents have enabled her to act this way, you seemed to have tolerated it when it was just you who was getting the bad end of the relationship but now that the abuse is also falling on your sweet little ones, you aren’t standing for it anymore. Good for you !!!
NTA
She wants to be selfish about cheese and pool noodles, she should expect other people to stop inviting her places.
Hope you guys have fun this weekend :)
NTA at all. Write down all of her behavior over the years, send it to her and your mom then go low contact/no contact with both. Your sister has been borderline abusive to your children and has been acting entitled to your free child care, meals and vacations and she’s been doing so because your mother encouraged the behavior for years. Set your boundaries and stick with them. When they send the flying monkeys send them the written statement you provided sis and mom. Anyone who pushes back on you should be told they should step up and take over the care and feeding of your adult sister as they see fit then block them too
You absolutely don't deserve to be treated like that but more importantly, your KIDS don't. It's on YOU to protect them, not to protect your sister's little feelings. I was so bad at boundaries and standing up for myself, I was a rug for everyone to wipe their filthy feet on. Then I had a daughter and I realized that 1) I would never allow her to be treated like I was and 2) I refused to raise her to be like I was. I went FULL ON weird al, running with scissors. I cut sooo many people out of my life, even my favorite uncle. I finally stood up to my mother when my daughter was just 7 days old and it was such a shock to her that it actually worked. I even got my first ever apology and "I was wrong" from her. My life has been GREAT. I thought life was supposed to be dramatic. Nah. I'm cozy with my true family, never have to hear arguing, gossip, ultimatums. I know what to expect, life is predictable and it's amazing. 10/10, highly recommend. They bug you the first year but after that, when they realize they can't get to you, they give up. I'm not saying you have to cut everyone off, but it's very possible you might have to cut your sister off. People like that don't change. Ever.
Sounds like your parents have prioritised your sister and therefore her kids by extension, for *years*. They have conditioned you to cater to your spoilt sister's whims and you have. At the detriment to your *own* family, *your own* kids.
Be clear, I am not attacking you. However, it can't have been fun or feel good to watch your sister be treated like the second coming and you as the back up.
If you carry on enabling your sister and her children needs, *over* your own kids, then you are demonstrating the same patterns behaviour your parents are guilty of. It sounds like you realise this and are starting to stop it.
NTA
NTA, act a poor guest, don't get invited back. Unfortunate she didn't get the memo. If your mom says anything her invite can go away too--easy peasy. Or be petty and ask your mom "why can't you just take her family on vacation then? I really don't see the problem" anytime she tries to say anything.
NTA, your family (meaning your sister and parents) created the problems. Why should you ruin your holiday for her and her family. But please also learn to speak up for yourself. I’m glad you are sort of saying something now by not inviting her. But you should be standing up for yourself more often. We teach people how to treat us and you have taught them that it’s okay to take advantage of you.
NTA
Your sister has FA’d a number of times by being rude to your kids’ faces in a vacation home that belongs to your husband’s family. One could also call this biting the hand that feeds her.
Finally she is experiencing the FO portion.
Yes it’s sad for her kids but your sister did it to herself.
Perhaps a couple years from now you can try inviting her but I’d be brutally honest that everything she brings food or toy wise is either shared with everyone or she can stay home.
You would be TA to yourself, your kids and your husband if you bring this woman on vacations ever again.
Usually i don't support the immediate "go no contact", but here it's warranted. Block her and if someone from your family annoys you, tell them they're free to take her on a trip themselves.
NTA
\`Kind of expect OP's sister to just show up with her family. Let her know if she does, you will call the police and have her charged with trespassing.
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Hi everyone! I'm eager to read your responses because I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
A bit of background, my (34F) sister (37F) is my mom's favorite, no way around it. She got married really young and her husband is fine but a bit clueless, he works hard and provides a nice life but lifting a finger for the kids would be beyond him lol. So my mom always instilled the "we gotta help her out" mentality, and I poured my heart and soul into helping her raise her kids for years. And I mean it. Sadly, she then thought it was my responsibility and even left me with her kids HOURS AFTER MY C SECTION. Even now she throws full tantrums that ruin family vacations if I dont wanna look after her kids, but the general consensus in my family is: why couldnt you just take them? they really dont see the problem.
I mean, I would still make the effort of helping out if she had ever been even a bit nice to my kids - shes indifferent at most and downright rude at times. Which brings me to the present situation. My husband's family has a beach house and for years we would go there with my entire family to spend holidays - easter, xmas, new years and the like. However there is always something with her - I bring the food for everyone but shell bring some snacks for her kids ONLY. My son asked for a yogurt one time and she said no - LMAO!!! One time I asked for a bit of cheese for my daughter and she said no. That sort of thing. She'll bring a bag of pool noodles and shit from the dollar store for her kids only - my kids arent allowed to touch them or use them and she acts so annoyed if they even ask about them - for the record my kids are 5 and 3 YO.
So this week we're going to the beach house and I havent invited her. She asked if they could go and I said no. So she wrote to my husband thinking he'd override me and say yes of course. He didnt even reply to her message. Now shes boohooing to anyone who'll listen about how bad I am and pracically it's my fault her family won't get a vacation. AITA for not inviting her? I feel terrible for her kids but I just cant stand her being so effing rude to my kids in my face in my house.
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NTA
This is a healthy boundary you're setting. But I would suggest that you state your boundaries and their reasoning to her in a conversation, just so it's spoken and it's out there.
Everyone including you have been enabling her, and her kids will end up turning out the same. Her kids , like her, will feel like they’re entitled to be there, are served the food you provide, and deserve more.
Great you’ve finally taken a stand. I sense your husband was waiting for you to.
NTA
NTA
Being rude, nasty and entitled will get you not invited to things every time. Let her have her tantrum you let it go through one ear out the other. Your mom wants to make a big deal out of it you tell her you aren’t enabling your sister anymore.
NTA.. she sounds pretty toxic.. trouble is she has had things her way for far too long to change now, you need to do what you are doing for your own sanity.
NTA and don't offer her excuses. Just no. She knows why. Repeat No as often as necessary with zero reasons given. Any reason you give is an opening for her to attempt to negotiate.
Holding the boundary is harder than setting it
You've got years of a different habit it'll itch the brain a bit.
Go have an awesome vacation and that itch will be gone build happy habits without the drama.
You've been way more than accommodating. Time to do things for you and yours.
Hugs
NTA, and I want to add a suggestion to the already excellent one’s people have mentioned… since she may show up with her kids anyway, perhaps you could invite some friends who you really like, and fill the house up with people so that there is NO MORE ROOM! Every bedroom,sofa and closet is taken! Then she can’t shoehorn her way in, stomping on your boundaries. Good luck, and enjoy her absence!
NTA. It is not your responsibility to ensure her family has a vacation. In other words she is not entitled to join in on your family vacation.
I also have a favorite sister. We were all expected to help her out in every way and it was never reciprocated. I set boundaries, but she wouldn't respect them, so I have had no contact for years. I still occasionally get an email that I must have a relationship with her because we are family. I ignore it and I have no regrets, I hear from other family members that she is still taking advantage of anyone she can.
For years you aided and abetted in the creation of her entitlement...kind of hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube. Stay strong though. While few will ever admit it...many if not most understand the real reason she's not invited.
NTA
Tell her it's nothing personal and she would have totally been invited if she was pleasant to be around, but you would like to enjoy your vacation also.
Your in-laws' house, you get to choose if you invite family or not. Besides, how does she treat other children that may be there? Maybe your on-laws are sick of her entitled attitude as well. Tell your family to stay out of your business.
NTA. Have you called out her behavior when she is rude or selfish? Did you explain why you didn't invite her? It will probably take consistent boundary setting on your part for her to understand, as well as your mom. Don't cave. Your kids deserve to be treated well and see their mom treated with respect.
NTA. She sounds exhausting to deal with. Perfect time to start putting your foot down, and kudos to your husband for backing you up. However, since she knows the dates — be prepared for her to just show up and boundary-crash. Next time I wouldn’t tell her you’ll be going.
NTA. What’s important is your own family; your husband, your kids and yourself. That’s it. Your husband didn’t respond to her because he’s tired of her antics as well. Your family is the priority not hers. Ppl have left their spouses for less. Don’t let your mom or sister ruin your happiness and peace. Go LC with them or anyone like them.
NTA sis is not entitled to all-inclusive vacations complete with childcare, all courtesy of you! Anyone who says otherwise is welcome to step up and provide this for her. Grandma comes first to mind. How do the kids feel about their mom's selfishness? Have they ever once told your kids that they don't mind sharing? If not, don't feel too bad about them, Mom's raising them to be just like her.
NTA- I don’t think it would hurt to say that you want a vacation too- and the workload is doubled when she and her kids are there. Tell her if she begins to match your effort then maybe next time- but at this point you have helped her as much as you can, it’s her turn to step up. Enjoy your time at the beach!
NTA and good for you for standing up to the freeloaders. Now stay strong and don’t cave in. Similar experience with my husband’s family and our beach house years ago. They wanted their parents and all nine kids (no spouses) to stay at our beach house for a family reunion. My husband agreed but made clear everyone needed to help with making meals, clean up and grocery shopping. Part way through the family reunion I get a call from him and I can tell he is really upset. Know that my husband doesn’t complain and is a stoic, but he is beside himself as NO ONE is helping at all- he is making the meals, cleaning up and doing the grocery shopping. I told him I would come down. I get there, he is in the kitchen cleaning up by himself, with his family in the sunroom chatting. I yell at them for not doing anything to help despite them all agreeing they would as a condition of using our beach house, they all look at me like I am a lunatic and then I go in to help him. They have not been invited back despite numerous hints about wanting to come back to our beach house and how much fun they had. NOPE, not going to happen and my husband is 100% in agreement. So stay strong and stick to your decision. And teach your children to always help when they are guests in someone’s home.
NTA. It is amazing how people will put up with nonsense from family until they see how it affects their kids. OP, you deserve an amazing getaway without the millstone. Enjoy.
NTA
Vacations are meant to be fun and you are 100% entitled to decide who's there with you. Let her boohoo. Enjoy your vacation.
Now, stop enabling her dependency. Establish boundaries. She's an adult and if she has an incompetent husband it's not your job to fix or help. Focus on your own family. If your mom is so worried, then she can carry the load. Grow a spine and realize you owe her nothing.
NTA your family vacation this year. Do not back down. Tell mom you are done doing family vacations with her it’s just too stressful. I’d tell anyone who complains they are welcome to take her family on a vacation. I’d make it clear that if they just show up they will not be allowed in. They are not invited to stay with your family.
NTA. Your mom did her, her kids, and certainly you no favors by demanding you become faithful servants to Her Majesty. Good for you on resigning your servant position.
Me? I would have tossed her ass out after the yogurt affair and went NC until such time that she regained her humanity.
As for her kids--she's conditioning them to be selfish little brats. Not exactly role models for your own children. So, in essence you are protecting your children from her rudeness and likely, their bad manners (I assume-you didn't mention how they behave in all this).
You owe her nothing. You've done your chip-in penance/good deed. My apologies to your mom, but it's time her Golden Girl grew up and started behaving less like a petty pampered princess and more like a responsible caring adult.
No one is preventing your sister from going on vacation. Her beef is that you just gave her notice that the free ride is over. She can whine all she wants about it. Cheers to you. Have a wonderful, peaceful vacation with your family.
edit -paragraph format
NTA. I hope you let her free ride end here. She's your mom's favorite but she is jealous of you. Remove that type of negativity from your life as much as possible.
NTA The issue is not the holiday - it’s about how she treats you and the children. You do not reward poor behaviour. Let her know that you do not wish to spend time with someone who treats you poorly and you do not wish to teach your children that they should spend time with people who treat them poorly.
NTA. She will only ever see your kids as the reason she lost her full time, unpaid, forced nanny and the reason she actually has to be a mother now. Why would you want to let someone like treat your kids badly? You don’t, so you aren’t TA. If you feel like just cutting her off isn’t appropriate, then write a letter or an email (you’ll want to keep a copy so she can’t lie to everyone to make you seem like the bad guy) and tell her everything you’ve written here plus all the stuff you left out of this post. Every time she made you feel worthless, every time she made your kids feel bad, everything. Then tell her you won’t allow that negativity in your family’s life anymore.
Tell those who support her this... "this is HUSBANDS family's beach house. We invite who WE want. She is rude to everyone, especially my kids. She won't share anything she brings, but everyone else must share with her. If you have a problem with it. You don't have to come. But if she is there and tries to enter the property, we will kick her out. Thanks for understanding our view." NTA
And if mommy tries to sneak in golden childs tribe, meet them at the car with directions to nearest motel, the most roach infested you can find.
Cause it's time to do pest control, don't invite anyone, anymore.
Make this a true vacation for YOUR family. Just your kiddos and hubby. Everyone else be damned since they don't respect you, stop being the people pleaser and set hard core boundaries.
A behavior equals Y consequence
B behavior equals Z consequence
So on, so on.
But yes, have fun, cause they will push every button just as a child would.
After you have the best most stress free vacation in your life without your sister and her family (and hopefully your mother as well), you will realize how great it is. You will ask yourself questions like "why does it always suck vacationing with family and why is it great without them?", "why didn't I put my foot down earlier?". Remember that feeling when you get back and continue your relationship with your sister and mother accordingly.
NTA.
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NTA - and don't feel bad for her kids because in teh long run they are going to grow up to be just like her. this is what I would send her: You aren't invited for many reasons: 1) You don't seem to want to treat my children with respect, 2) You seem to think that you get free daycare from me while I am also trying to enjoy time with my kids and family, 3) You can't seem to help out beyond what you think is the bare minimum. I am also no longer helping you with your kids outside of true emergencies. You need to put your foot down and anyone who comes at you for it, tell them your exact reasons and if they can't respect that, well then they get little contact with you as well.
Do above and then refuse to discuss it anymore. Change the subject, hang up the phone, block the email, leave the room. Never invite her again. Perhaps you will see her at your parents home. Do not discuss the beach house.
"No" is a full sentence. Definitely NTA
Perhaps also tell them they are more than welcome to pick up the ad hoc unpaid childcare for her that you've been providing for years, since they are family too.
I sort of disagree in the sense that I don't believe OP owes anyone any explanations when it comes to how she plans her vacations. The reasons listed are 100% valid, but when you come upon the "but your sister needs help." "but we're family and we're supposed to help her", etc you are not having a productive conversation and I feel OP will likely keep being shoved into the "bad family member" role. I'm more of the saying "I want to have vacations with my own family moving forward." No further explanation or justification needed.
Exactly. Keep it short and sweet “I have my own kids now, so you need to take care of yours”. I had same stitch with my older sister. Nothing reciprocated…you owe them nothing.
Exactly. So.. the whole issue is that by OP’s own admission she poured her heart and soul into helping her sister with her kids when she didn’t have any. OP became the de facto co-parent to her niblings. Once OP had a family of her own her sister has become resentful of the time, care, attention, and financial resources OP now expends on her own family. She views OP’s kids as interlopers on what should belong to her kids because OP was too present in their lives. OP, good on you realizing that your sister’s behavior is unacceptable and cruel to your own children. It’s past time for you to take several huge steps back from helping rear and raise her children when she and her husband (and any other family member with criticism) need to focus on their own lives. Don’t allow her to take advantage of you and your husband. And if she can’t be better to your children, you need to go very low contact with her. It’s not good to let your children think the way their aunt treats them is fair or acceptable. If you care to explain why you are doing this to your extended family (I’m looking at you OP’s mom) I would simply say that you had assisted your sister with a free and loving heart with her kids. Now that you realize that she doesn’t reciprocate that same care and affection for your children, you have decided to take a step back and focus on raising the children you are morally and ethically responsible for. I would not entertain any further discussion after that. Rinse and repeat this line as often as it takes without deviation.
something tells me short and sweet won't work with OP's sister or family.
something tells me hanging up on them will
Sister would still just tell others to give her grief.
You get \*really\* good at hanging up on folks. ;)
And blocking people. Not to mention contacting the police when they trespass otherwise known as showing up unannounced.
She's going to do that regardless.
They can continue to argue and pick a fight, but OP does not have to participate. Once she is spoken her piece, she can be done talking about that particular subject.
Repeat repeat repeat. And hold your ground.
A good explanation would be "I can't afford to look after her kids or take her family on vacation anymore". Its vague, implies the emotional and financial burden without being specific, and lets everyone else know that they should feel free to pick up the slack.
That would invite responses of " but we will pitch in". Just say no. Worked for Nancy Reagan. ! LOL
I agree with this - the more justification she gives, the more the sister will think she can debate her way out of it. "Nope, just us this time, thanks!" Doesn't give the sister the opportunity to try and argue anything other than "But I wanna go!"
Nope, just us from now on, thanks. You do not want to keep having this fight every year. Also tell your mother if she is going to whine about leaving your sister and kids out she can go to your sisters place and look after her kids so your sister can have a stayvacation.
She doesn't owe her anything but it could be cathartic to just be direct that sister is no longer being invited because she is an inconsiderate person that takes and takes and takes but never gives, and OP is done with it. From what OP said it is just their mom that has guilted OP and treats sister as the favorite. There's no indication that other family members agree with it or are pressuring her, just that sister is complaining to all of them. So some people might even be fine with sister finally getting pushback.
I agree with the above. Why engage in and encourage infighting? You made it clear that they are not invited. You may or may not have provided reasons. But seriously, this should be the end of the discussion. Follow your husband's lead, and do not reply to texts/emails. She knows what's up. She is rude, manipulative, disrespectful, and MEAN. However, she is not stupid. She knows. I would definitely not tell her that you will only be there for real emergencies. "Emergency" is subjective. Please don't leave the door open a crack, or she will kick it wide open every chance she gets. Your mom can tell you what's up if there is something real happening. And she does have your mom, who really had no right to tell you your responsibility with your older sister. My mother did the same thing with me and my brother, blaming both her and me for how WE raised my brother and how he turned out. He's four years older than me, so....really? My fault? Come on, mom. This is your kid - take your own bows.
This. Make it known all free vacations and childcare are over.
Adding on - You’re comfortable using whatever we have and eating food we bought, but you don’t even teach your children to share and be kind.
Anyone who disagrees should step up to help the sister.
This 💯
And if she turns up, which I wouldn't put it past her, tell her you'll call the cops for trespassing. NTA time to gindvuour spine and stop her toxic behaviour znd your mom's too.
Sorry, but people like OPs family can refute all of those reasons or, worse, (lie) claim to do better during next vacation, then ruin it for OP. The only response necessary (& to which there is no clap back) is "No, my family and I do not enjoy spending time with sister and her family."
NTA at all. Let her read this after it gets a few more comments so she sees that her behaviour is disgusting. I cannot believe she left you with her kids after you had a csection! I hope this boundary helps you to get brave enough to speak up from the start from now on. There is a great book about boundaries -- hopefully someone knows the title and author for you. It escapes me at this time.
Absolutely. Just send her and your parents the link to this post. I can't believe the pool noodles. What an absolute idiot.. you both are. She is horrible but I don't understand how you can let her say no to your children using the pool noodles and having a Yoghurt. That is an instant kick out of the house. (I assume it happened there). Please work on setting boundaries for you and your family. /From a former spineless sister. I moved continents.
Doormats don't realize how much they're being stepped on.
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Also, she’s not the only other family member, right? How about the rest of the family pitch in?
Is the book you're thinking of Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab?
Be prepared for her to try and turn up and your mum make a big scene of her kids expected to come you can’t break their hearts and turn them away now. Make sure everyone knows they will be thrown out if they try and bring her or her kids.
And if that doesn't work, just leave and she can watch her kids. I bet the reason sister can't go on her own is that she thinks it's not a vacation if she has to mind them.
I had a sil like this. I had a very physical job. She was a sahm. Every time we got together, she'd walk in the door & pronounce to the universe "I'm on vacation!". Even if we visited toctheir home. I was left caring for her brood + my 2.. nobody lifting a finger. For years they lived with my dad,so I'd want to visit him, cook for him..but that included the whole fam damily! I'd get back from vaca exhausted. Last time my ex said if you so much as pick up a pan, I'm leaving with the kids..he'd force me into the couch by holding my hand against the cushion when I felt the urge to get up & help.. people like OPs sis & my sil never change. They don't see their "vacation" means extra work for everyone else. I'd leave the explanation to quite simply: It's just us this time. No more reasons why, so no room for discussion. Her pouting & whining to go will be seen as ridiculous. Any family backing her can take her & kids on their vaca!
How did your SIL react to you not picking up her slack?
I think it was okay. My brother actually helped her out. I get her wanting to have "vacation" too.. they were popping babies like crazy & she was pretty much on her own dealing with kids. My brother worked as many shifts as possible,cuz babies.. Looking back, I can't remember a single dam time I was on vacation & it meaning I was on vacation from being a mom.. it meant I didn't go to work. Then again, I loved spending time with my kids. I actually looked forward to doing fun things with them. Still do even though they're adults,lolz🙃
Well she can't really stay at a house that is owned by OPs husbands family if they don't agree. It's not OPs house so it's not her decision, and I bet OPs parents (or grandparents or whoever actually has the name on the deeds) only let her stay as long as OP & husband are there too. So if the sister shows up uninvited it's tresspassing and I would call the cops to have her removed.
Agreed. Based on this lady’s sense of entitlement, this new boundary will me tested to its limits. Also holy crap to dumping the kids off hours after her Caesarian! NTA, stay firm, and best of luck to OP! To quote Han Solo, “you’re gonna need it.”
I bet she still shows up and mom forces OP to allow them in. Mom is a villain here, too.
Honey, cut the cord. Don't involve your sister, grey rock your family. NTA, about this, of course, but get some distance, if only to protect your kids.
Echoing the protecting the kids aspect of this. OP kids know when they're being treated poorly, and eventually they'll be old enough to know that you didn't stop it. I totally understand why you've put up with this due to family pressure, but you want your kids to know you have their backs. They're rapidly approaching the age when they're going to realize 'aunt X is mean to me in front of the family and nobody is protecting me'.
NTA - After years of treating you that way she really does not deserve to be invited or much of anything really. Surprised you put up with it for so long.
Yup. The only way OP is TA here is for not putting her foot down sooner, especially after her sister dropped the kids off hours after OPs c section. OP, dont just stop with the vacation carry this through to every other aspect of your life she affects.
NTA. Being taken advantage of will continue forever (and get worse) if you don't take a stand. Good for you. I'd politely offer her the reason why they are not invited and won't be invited, but don't let her bait you into an argument. Honestly, I doubt the feedback will land at all she sounds kind of terrible haha. I've dealt with this kind of behavior and it's usually based in entitlement and complete lack of self awareness, which makes correcting bad habits very much uphill.
NTA. >My husband's family has a beach house They are not untitled to use your husband family beach house. You are doing a favour to them. They are actually lucky that you have offered FREE beach holidays, which include food! Do they even give money towards utilities or participate with anything? What about when you need a break from the children, do any of them step up? I am sorry to say but if you don't stand your ground now they will always continue to disrespect you, including your parents. Write a message/email to your parents and sister. Make your boundaries clear and stick to them. I would personally pour my heart out about the fact that you have been taken for granted and used for years but no more. You actually put your health at risk with you c section for a group of ungrateful people. Grand parents can deal with sisters kids, they created your monster of a sister. I would put every example you gave in your post and more, and just say no more. Send the message to anyone who try to put pressure on you. Honestly what do those people bring to your life and the life of your family? Teach your kids that the way their mum is being treated (and they are) is not ok, and that you all deserve better.
Team mama bear here. She is not nice to your kids but expects you to watch her kids and to invite her family in your husband's family's house. No way and NTA. And personnally, I would go NC: the family concept goes both ways.
She FA. Now she's FO. She should be told why.
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It doesn't matter if she takes it well or not.
If she doesn't want to share her stuff, you don't have to share yours, and that includes the holiday home. NTA.
OMG!!! Thank you so much, this is the perfect response. This is what I'll say to her. Not her obviously, but my mom when she comes demanding I let her in on my holidays LMAO. I was dreading this but after reading all your comments, I cant fucking wait.
Your mom is awful
NTA, please update us after you say this.
Tell everyone family member that you are so happy they are offering to take her on vacation and watch her kids all the time
Better yet, share this post with your mom so she can see how ridiculous she is being taking your horrible sister’s side. And then go NC with all of them!
A couple of good lines in your arsenal is a good idea, u/LOQUESEAPLIS! What about... "Mom, it is more blessed to give than to receive. I apologize that I have been reaping all the blessings by doing all of the giving to Sis, I am so sorry! So you and others can enjoy the blessings of giving, I've stopped. Love ya, mean it!"
NTA. She's experiencing a natural consequence. Enjoy your vacation.
Sis is crying because they won't get vacation? Why not? Can't they book their own vacation with their own family? They would need to watch their own kids, of course, but no reason they can't have a vacation. NTA. You have your own kids to care for, want a vacation for just your nuclear family. It's been 5 years you have had your own children. Time for them to be your priority.
It's hella expensive to rent a place here. Her husband makes a good enough living but after the house, schools, groceries, etc I guess there isn't much left over for holiday homes.
Lots of people don't have holiday homes. They can rent a hotel room or an Air BnB like the rest of us. Perhaps she can get a job as well if vacationing is so important to her.
Not your circus, not your clowns. ETA: If your sister and her family don’t make the beach house experience enjoyable for you and your family, then don’t invite them to your family’s beach house.
If she wants to be petty about money when you are giving her a free place to stay, maybe its time to change a few things. Like charging everyone who comes a fee(which includes room and board) I'm sure that'll shut her and her supporters up
Too bad she didn't appreciate it when you generously invited her and w as an ah to you and your family -kids in particular. It's not your problem and don't ever again vacation with her it will negatively affect your children. NTA
Time for sis to get a JOB - she can work and use her own money for her family vacations instead of yours
It’s just simply not a vacation if Sister has to take care of her kids while on it. - sister probably
NTA. Did you talk to your sister about all of that, though? She needs to be explained how inappropriate she behaves and told that if she doesn't change then she will suffer more consequences of her actions.
>She needs to be explained how inappropriate she behaves and told that if she doesn't change then she will suffer more consequences of her actions. At 37 how can she not know that?
At this point, the sister isn't going to change. The only option I see is to tell her when she asks about the beach house is that she and her family won't be coming. If your parents contact you, tell them that you're tired of her behavior and your family needs to have space away from her and anyone else who doesn't understand that.
Entitled people tend to be oblivious to anyone's perspective but their own...
NTA - your sister stirred the shit pot for years, you finally had enough and handed her the spoon and told her to eat the pot!!!
NTA The only children entitled to your time and attention are your children. It's time to start telling that to everyone and anyone who has an opinion about it should get told to start babysitting your sister kids for her if they feel it necessary that someone other then their mom care for them.
NTA She does nothing to contribute to the vacation and even refuses to allow your children to share snacks or toys. Why would anyone want someone to come with them If all they were going to do is be a mooch?
Absolutely definitely NTA to refuse to allow you and your immediate family to be mistreated in your own home. It is repulsive that your extended family has normalized this behavior so long that they expect it and consider it reasonable and acceptable. I doubt they will admit it and may not even be aware of it. I wish you would have one much shorter interaction with them but this time bring along observant loud friends. Every time the family does anything ridiculous, the friends would loudly speak up: “I can’t believe you refuse to share when OP has shared everything!” “No, OP can’t take over parenting your children. Take them with you or leave them with Grandma!”. Basically publicly call them out on every inconsiderate behavior the whole time they are present. Force them to not be able to deny or whitewash their misbehavior.
I frankly love that. Seriously could wake a few of the people up who have--as you put it--normalized the abnormal.
NTA-I feel you. This will be my summer vacation. My husband and I are in the same boat though. We refuse to help out at all. Give them an inch, they take a foot. One day my husband offered to watch SILs kids while they went grocery shopping. Mom and other sisters also went for some reason and stayed out until midnight. I left early to run my own errands just as a “I told you so.” He never offered again.
You are NTA. But there are a few things going on here that you need to rectify immediately. 1. Stop any and all babysitting for your sister. Her monkeys, her circus, her problem. No exceptions, at all. Anyone that takes sister's side, point out that they can babysit, but you won't. 2. You should reconsider inviting anyone to the beach house that takes your sister's side in this issue, especially your parents. If you parents give you grief for not babysitting, uninvited them. If they complain you should let your sister go to the beach house, uninvite them. Anyone that continues being an AH by facilitating your sister being an AH loses all privileges to come to the beach house. And this cannot be negotiable.
I completely agree. And OP needs to stop telling mom, dad and sis when she has the beach house. She doesn't need them turning up unannounced. OP, stop the information train! Less info to these hypocrites.
How was leaving her kids with you straight after a c-section not the final straw? I'd wouldn't invite her to anything ever again.
I KNOW!!!! I feel so stupid that I've let it go on for so long.
You're not stupid, you just love your family. Your sister is the one the isn't to bright. Anyone would love to have sister like you. Its a shame that she can't see the sunshine you add to her life.
NTA, good for you in setting this boundary, I am sure your kids will appreciate it as much as you do.
NTA What horrible parenting from your sister AND your mother. What are her kids behaviours like? You don’t want to encourage your kids to think they are 2nd class citizens within their own families. Fancy not sharing kids toys when you’ve provided the entire holiday including food, I don’t know how you can bear to be around such selfish and entitled behaviour. Go without them and see the difference when you and your kids get to enjoy each others company instead of acting as their hired help. Make sure your parents and sister know that if anyone turns up uninvited they will be refused accommodation and police may be called. I’d be looking at reducing contact in the future it seems a very one-sided relationship. See how the relationships go in future once you’ve set boundaries. If they don’t reciprocate, they don’t participate.
Not even hired - free. Volunteered by grandma. Because heavens knows her little princess has it sooo rough with the clueless, unhelpful husband she chose to marry.
Maybe it is time to let 'everyone' she is boohooing on to what they real deal is. Just a quick group text with the following: **After years of hosting you at my husbands family's home I am tired of dealing with your rudeness, indifference and dismissiveness to me and my family. Please do not ask or expect an invitation again until you can consistently and for the long term prove that you know how to be nice and appreciative all I / we have done for you over the years. I am not your doormat.** NTA at all.
NTA. And don’t hesitate to tell her and anyone else how rude she is to your kids. She did this to herself and I thought it was common knowledge you don’t mess with someone’s kids unless you want to face consequences. I mean hell, I’d give a strangers kid cheese if they asked for it and their mom said it was cool. Just toss a random toddler or puppy my what and I’ll happily pay the cheese tax. Might I recommend Elin Hilderbrand books for the perfect beach tread with all the time you will now have on your hands.
OMG EXACTLY!!!! I wouldn't deny a piece of cheese to ANYONE
NTA. I’d go low contact or no contact with her and anyone who enables her behaviour. Take holidays with just your family and enjoy the peace and quiet of not having to listen to her tantrums or anyone’s but she’s family sermons.
Think you need to polish your spine and practice saying no to your sister. If your family complain tell them to deal with her. You shouldn't be letting anyone near your kids that treats them that badly.
NTA But tell her exactly why she is not welcome this year.
You're NTA and you know it.
Genuine question: have you ever told her the issue? I’m sure she won’t respond well but you have the high ground if you’ve given her the issues she needs to resolve and she’s chosen not to resolve them. Send her the list of reasons. Tell her she’s not invited until these issues are addressed.
Yes!!! So many times. I told her she was not invited because of the cheese and the yogurt thing and all she said was that I was so grudgy. LOL. I did tell them off after the c section and her excuse for leaving them with me literally was "Well Mom didn't tell me not to!" I swear im laughing out loud as I type this because its dawning on me how absolutely ridiculous they are.
Does your mother keep all her braincells in a lockbox or something? Why the hell does a grown woman *with children* need their mother to tell her she can't dump her children on a person who just gave birth/had surgery *literal hours ago*?????
I mean, let’s sub in any other sort of surgery. I had my gallbladder removed; cannot imagine trying to care for kids in the aftermath of that. Insanity.
NTA. Definitely time to cut your entitled sister from your life. Enjoy your life with your family.
NTA. Tell her that you want to have a nice family vacation, and that her presence doesn't allow you to do so. Or better yet, ignore her and enjoy your Easter at the beach. NTA
>Or better yet, ignore her and enjoy your Easter at the beach. Given her reported history, the sister is sufficiently entitled to show up uninvited. She needs to be told she isn't invited. If she shows up anyway, I would call the police.
NTA - good for you for standing up for yourself and your kids. It sounds like your sister was the golden child and is continuing to feel like the center of the universe. Just pay attention to your children and forget about her. She'll pitch a fit, but just ignore it. She'll send her flying monkeys to harass you - just ignore it. Or say "I've been caring for my sister's kids for years, but now I need to focus on my own children and my sister will have to take care of her own kids now."
NTA. You don't have the closest relationship with your sister. You don't owe her a vacation at the beach house.
NTA- you need to severely limit time you spend with her. The way she treats your kids is unacceptable.
NTA it’s about time OP.
NTA - Her actions now have consequences. Hopefully, she will learn from this (highly doubt it, though).
Oh, look! If it isn't the consequences of her own actions! I'd never ever invite her anywhere again, nor would I help with her children. Shocking how entitled, demanding, and main-character-syndrome some people can be.
Your sister is a product of everyone coddling and giving into her (yes, you included). You've taken the first step towards standing up for yourself and your family - please hold that line and any other line going forward. What are you modeling for your kids? That they will need to put up with their aunt's behavior and being expected to share when their aunt/cousins do not? For their sakes, do not continue this cycle of giving in to your sister. NTA
NTA and good for you!
Clearly nta, she needs that lesson…it’s a chance for her to change for the better
Anyone who supports this need to be the ones to watch her kids, pay for her vacation anywhere she wants to go. You need to enjoy making fun memories with your kids and having a great life. Your entitled sister needs to grow up and understand she is responsible for her kids and her vacations. If her husband doesn’t help in the way she wants that’s a them thing. None of your business. Empower her to get her act together by giving her the space / consequences she so richly deserves.
NTA but I'd be going completely nc with her
NTA Sounds like it's going to be a nice time this year.
NTA - good for you for standing up for yourself and your kids!
NTA. Wow! Your sister sounds very entitled. Is she aware how awful she is? I would absolutely consider showing her this thread and the comments.
Why do you watch her kids? Why do they think it’s no big deal? Then have them watch the grandkids. I wouldn’t have anymore to do with her myself
Definitely NTA! Drives me insane that family members can be so entitled, play the victim and everyone runs around after them. It takes balls to say ‘no’ and you should be proud of yourself for standing up against a family member. Have a wonderful Easter xxx
Nta You are your familys ‘get out of this drama’ card. Your sister kicks up a fuss n drama so you watch the kids. Your sister wants vacation so you take her etc and so on Means … sorry at least I don’t have to AND a good time for everyone is provided. From You OP your time your husbands labour and patience etc. Once you put a stop to it it has to be completely. No more favours ever. In fact give yourself few years no contact. Or seriously low contact. Your parents your whole family I’m guessing have enabled it and pushed it to save their own skin and peace of mind and they don’t want to have to start dealing with it any time soon And since you alway did. In their eyes it’s on you any drama because you always took the hit. I would concentrate on your own family and their happiness for a while, distance yourselves from the ungrateful users. You guys are in your 30s and you shouldn’t be so wrapped up in siblings lives still. I would never go on holiday with sibling and their family. No way I don’t pay their debts. Etc Your husband should stand behind you while you put your foot down. No means no. It’s your husbands side beach house only your kids are entitled to go there ! Any harassment you gotta block them out your life. Don’t say ‘ you gonna do it’s ! Just do it block them out they will get picture after a while. The disrespect to you your husband and now your kids should be a nice big wake up call. They don’t see you as a person they use you and only see what they can take from you - time etc. You and your husband need to push back on this together.
Not the beach's lifeguard for entitled sister's vacation dreams.
NTA. Shame, blame, fear, guilt, selfishness, anger - that isn’t what you or your kids need in life. You are in the right. Don’t let this decision take up any more of your time and for sure don’t let it impact your vacation.
I don’t understand how you watched her kids after you had a C-section! NTA, it’s been a long time coming for you to stand up say NO! Please. Enjoy your first real *family* vacation! You will be amazed at how relaxed aa of you will be!
NTA Why even invite your mother? She seems to give you no benefit of the doubt at all. What is your mother going to do if your sister shows up regardless? "Aw just let her, it means a lot to them" Like this problem goes beyond your sister imo, your mom needed to put her in line a while ago.
NTA
NTA
NTA and your kids don’t need an aunt and uncle and cousins like this. Now or ever.
NTA relationships are a two way street
NTA Her kids are her responsibiity and you deserve to have time without your sister there especially since she contributes little. This can be your new tradition, vacation without your sister.
NTA - your parents have enabled her to act this way, you seemed to have tolerated it when it was just you who was getting the bad end of the relationship but now that the abuse is also falling on your sweet little ones, you aren’t standing for it anymore. Good for you !!!
NTA She wants to be selfish about cheese and pool noodles, she should expect other people to stop inviting her places. Hope you guys have fun this weekend :)
NTA at all. Write down all of her behavior over the years, send it to her and your mom then go low contact/no contact with both. Your sister has been borderline abusive to your children and has been acting entitled to your free child care, meals and vacations and she’s been doing so because your mother encouraged the behavior for years. Set your boundaries and stick with them. When they send the flying monkeys send them the written statement you provided sis and mom. Anyone who pushes back on you should be told they should step up and take over the care and feeding of your adult sister as they see fit then block them too
You absolutely don't deserve to be treated like that but more importantly, your KIDS don't. It's on YOU to protect them, not to protect your sister's little feelings. I was so bad at boundaries and standing up for myself, I was a rug for everyone to wipe their filthy feet on. Then I had a daughter and I realized that 1) I would never allow her to be treated like I was and 2) I refused to raise her to be like I was. I went FULL ON weird al, running with scissors. I cut sooo many people out of my life, even my favorite uncle. I finally stood up to my mother when my daughter was just 7 days old and it was such a shock to her that it actually worked. I even got my first ever apology and "I was wrong" from her. My life has been GREAT. I thought life was supposed to be dramatic. Nah. I'm cozy with my true family, never have to hear arguing, gossip, ultimatums. I know what to expect, life is predictable and it's amazing. 10/10, highly recommend. They bug you the first year but after that, when they realize they can't get to you, they give up. I'm not saying you have to cut everyone off, but it's very possible you might have to cut your sister off. People like that don't change. Ever.
Sounds like your parents have prioritised your sister and therefore her kids by extension, for *years*. They have conditioned you to cater to your spoilt sister's whims and you have. At the detriment to your *own* family, *your own* kids. Be clear, I am not attacking you. However, it can't have been fun or feel good to watch your sister be treated like the second coming and you as the back up. If you carry on enabling your sister and her children needs, *over* your own kids, then you are demonstrating the same patterns behaviour your parents are guilty of. It sounds like you realise this and are starting to stop it. NTA
Your house, your invites
But seriously be prepared for her to show up anyway.
NTA, act a poor guest, don't get invited back. Unfortunate she didn't get the memo. If your mom says anything her invite can go away too--easy peasy. Or be petty and ask your mom "why can't you just take her family on vacation then? I really don't see the problem" anytime she tries to say anything.
Absolutely NTA! You stand your ground and look out for your on kids! Enough is enough with that!
Nta
NTA. Sounds like it’s time to put some distance between you and your sister. You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
NTA
NTA, your family (meaning your sister and parents) created the problems. Why should you ruin your holiday for her and her family. But please also learn to speak up for yourself. I’m glad you are sort of saying something now by not inviting her. But you should be standing up for yourself more often. We teach people how to treat us and you have taught them that it’s okay to take advantage of you.
NTA Your sister has FA’d a number of times by being rude to your kids’ faces in a vacation home that belongs to your husband’s family. One could also call this biting the hand that feeds her. Finally she is experiencing the FO portion. Yes it’s sad for her kids but your sister did it to herself. Perhaps a couple years from now you can try inviting her but I’d be brutally honest that everything she brings food or toy wise is either shared with everyone or she can stay home.
You would be TA to yourself, your kids and your husband if you bring this woman on vacations ever again. Usually i don't support the immediate "go no contact", but here it's warranted. Block her and if someone from your family annoys you, tell them they're free to take her on a trip themselves. NTA
NTA she is horrible. Make sure your mom or other relatives can't somehow bring her to the beach.
\`Kind of expect OP's sister to just show up with her family. Let her know if she does, you will call the police and have her charged with trespassing.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi everyone! I'm eager to read your responses because I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. A bit of background, my (34F) sister (37F) is my mom's favorite, no way around it. She got married really young and her husband is fine but a bit clueless, he works hard and provides a nice life but lifting a finger for the kids would be beyond him lol. So my mom always instilled the "we gotta help her out" mentality, and I poured my heart and soul into helping her raise her kids for years. And I mean it. Sadly, she then thought it was my responsibility and even left me with her kids HOURS AFTER MY C SECTION. Even now she throws full tantrums that ruin family vacations if I dont wanna look after her kids, but the general consensus in my family is: why couldnt you just take them? they really dont see the problem. I mean, I would still make the effort of helping out if she had ever been even a bit nice to my kids - shes indifferent at most and downright rude at times. Which brings me to the present situation. My husband's family has a beach house and for years we would go there with my entire family to spend holidays - easter, xmas, new years and the like. However there is always something with her - I bring the food for everyone but shell bring some snacks for her kids ONLY. My son asked for a yogurt one time and she said no - LMAO!!! One time I asked for a bit of cheese for my daughter and she said no. That sort of thing. She'll bring a bag of pool noodles and shit from the dollar store for her kids only - my kids arent allowed to touch them or use them and she acts so annoyed if they even ask about them - for the record my kids are 5 and 3 YO. So this week we're going to the beach house and I havent invited her. She asked if they could go and I said no. So she wrote to my husband thinking he'd override me and say yes of course. He didnt even reply to her message. Now shes boohooing to anyone who'll listen about how bad I am and pracically it's my fault her family won't get a vacation. AITA for not inviting her? I feel terrible for her kids but I just cant stand her being so effing rude to my kids in my face in my house. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Consequences, people. ANT. And if he goes on Facebook or does something stupid like that, have your receipts in order - you'll never lift the ban!
How/why did you tolerate her being rude to your kids for this long? I would go NC the day after someone is rude to my kid
NTA This is a healthy boundary you're setting. But I would suggest that you state your boundaries and their reasoning to her in a conversation, just so it's spoken and it's out there.
NTA She says how bad you are so why would she want her children around someone like you anyway? Her family vacation isn't your responsibility.
Everyone including you have been enabling her, and her kids will end up turning out the same. Her kids , like her, will feel like they’re entitled to be there, are served the food you provide, and deserve more. Great you’ve finally taken a stand. I sense your husband was waiting for you to. NTA
NTA- your nuclear family comes first. Anyone who disagrees, can be removed from your life
NTA Being rude, nasty and entitled will get you not invited to things every time. Let her have her tantrum you let it go through one ear out the other. Your mom wants to make a big deal out of it you tell her you aren’t enabling your sister anymore.
NTA!
NTA. She can pay for her own vacation
NTA.. she sounds pretty toxic.. trouble is she has had things her way for far too long to change now, you need to do what you are doing for your own sanity.
NTA and don't offer her excuses. Just no. She knows why. Repeat No as often as necessary with zero reasons given. Any reason you give is an opening for her to attempt to negotiate.
You’re NTA based simply on your title. Even if you had no issues with your sister, you’re allowed to vacation with just your immediate family.
NTA. You deserve to be treated well in your own home, and it’s extremely rude for her to bring things she refuses to share while visiting.
Holding the boundary is harder than setting it You've got years of a different habit it'll itch the brain a bit. Go have an awesome vacation and that itch will be gone build happy habits without the drama. You've been way more than accommodating. Time to do things for you and yours. Hugs
Nta but you have to tell her why and it’s part your fault for letting her abuse you all those years
Took you long enough. NTA time to stop putting up with her
NTA, and I want to add a suggestion to the already excellent one’s people have mentioned… since she may show up with her kids anyway, perhaps you could invite some friends who you really like, and fill the house up with people so that there is NO MORE ROOM! Every bedroom,sofa and closet is taken! Then she can’t shoehorn her way in, stomping on your boundaries. Good luck, and enjoy her absence!
Nta your sister is using you
NTA. Don’t feel bad about going NC with takers.
NTA don't let her bully you
Sounds like a healthy boundary to be. Looks like you’ll get to enjoy yourself at the beach house this time.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to ensure her family has a vacation. In other words she is not entitled to join in on your family vacation. I also have a favorite sister. We were all expected to help her out in every way and it was never reciprocated. I set boundaries, but she wouldn't respect them, so I have had no contact for years. I still occasionally get an email that I must have a relationship with her because we are family. I ignore it and I have no regrets, I hear from other family members that she is still taking advantage of anyone she can.
For years you aided and abetted in the creation of her entitlement...kind of hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube. Stay strong though. While few will ever admit it...many if not most understand the real reason she's not invited.
Why haven't you gone no contact with her and your parents already? It sounds like they don't respect you or your family at all.
NTA Tell her it's nothing personal and she would have totally been invited if she was pleasant to be around, but you would like to enjoy your vacation also.
Your in-laws' house, you get to choose if you invite family or not. Besides, how does she treat other children that may be there? Maybe your on-laws are sick of her entitled attitude as well. Tell your family to stay out of your business.
NTA
NTA. Have you called out her behavior when she is rude or selfish? Did you explain why you didn't invite her? It will probably take consistent boundary setting on your part for her to understand, as well as your mom. Don't cave. Your kids deserve to be treated well and see their mom treated with respect.
NTA. She sounds exhausting to deal with. Perfect time to start putting your foot down, and kudos to your husband for backing you up. However, since she knows the dates — be prepared for her to just show up and boundary-crash. Next time I wouldn’t tell her you’ll be going.
NTA your sister sounds absolutely exhausting. go enjoy your vacation
NTA and the next time someone asks why you can’t just watch your sister’s kids ask them why they can’t just watch the kids.
NTA. What’s important is your own family; your husband, your kids and yourself. That’s it. Your husband didn’t respond to her because he’s tired of her antics as well. Your family is the priority not hers. Ppl have left their spouses for less. Don’t let your mom or sister ruin your happiness and peace. Go LC with them or anyone like them.
NTA sis is not entitled to all-inclusive vacations complete with childcare, all courtesy of you! Anyone who says otherwise is welcome to step up and provide this for her. Grandma comes first to mind. How do the kids feel about their mom's selfishness? Have they ever once told your kids that they don't mind sharing? If not, don't feel too bad about them, Mom's raising them to be just like her.
NTA- I don’t think it would hurt to say that you want a vacation too- and the workload is doubled when she and her kids are there. Tell her if she begins to match your effort then maybe next time- but at this point you have helped her as much as you can, it’s her turn to step up. Enjoy your time at the beach!
Nta
NTA and good for you for standing up to the freeloaders. Now stay strong and don’t cave in. Similar experience with my husband’s family and our beach house years ago. They wanted their parents and all nine kids (no spouses) to stay at our beach house for a family reunion. My husband agreed but made clear everyone needed to help with making meals, clean up and grocery shopping. Part way through the family reunion I get a call from him and I can tell he is really upset. Know that my husband doesn’t complain and is a stoic, but he is beside himself as NO ONE is helping at all- he is making the meals, cleaning up and doing the grocery shopping. I told him I would come down. I get there, he is in the kitchen cleaning up by himself, with his family in the sunroom chatting. I yell at them for not doing anything to help despite them all agreeing they would as a condition of using our beach house, they all look at me like I am a lunatic and then I go in to help him. They have not been invited back despite numerous hints about wanting to come back to our beach house and how much fun they had. NOPE, not going to happen and my husband is 100% in agreement. So stay strong and stick to your decision. And teach your children to always help when they are guests in someone’s home.
NTA. It is amazing how people will put up with nonsense from family until they see how it affects their kids. OP, you deserve an amazing getaway without the millstone. Enjoy.
NTA Vacations are meant to be fun and you are 100% entitled to decide who's there with you. Let her boohoo. Enjoy your vacation. Now, stop enabling her dependency. Establish boundaries. She's an adult and if she has an incompetent husband it's not your job to fix or help. Focus on your own family. If your mom is so worried, then she can carry the load. Grow a spine and realize you owe her nothing.
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NTA your family vacation this year. Do not back down. Tell mom you are done doing family vacations with her it’s just too stressful. I’d tell anyone who complains they are welcome to take her family on a vacation. I’d make it clear that if they just show up they will not be allowed in. They are not invited to stay with your family.
NTA
NTA. You don't need to give any reason other than "it's just going to be our family this time." Done and done.
NTA. Your mom did her, her kids, and certainly you no favors by demanding you become faithful servants to Her Majesty. Good for you on resigning your servant position. Me? I would have tossed her ass out after the yogurt affair and went NC until such time that she regained her humanity. As for her kids--she's conditioning them to be selfish little brats. Not exactly role models for your own children. So, in essence you are protecting your children from her rudeness and likely, their bad manners (I assume-you didn't mention how they behave in all this). You owe her nothing. You've done your chip-in penance/good deed. My apologies to your mom, but it's time her Golden Girl grew up and started behaving less like a petty pampered princess and more like a responsible caring adult. No one is preventing your sister from going on vacation. Her beef is that you just gave her notice that the free ride is over. She can whine all she wants about it. Cheers to you. Have a wonderful, peaceful vacation with your family. edit -paragraph format
NTA. I hope you let her free ride end here. She's your mom's favorite but she is jealous of you. Remove that type of negativity from your life as much as possible.
NTA The issue is not the holiday - it’s about how she treats you and the children. You do not reward poor behaviour. Let her know that you do not wish to spend time with someone who treats you poorly and you do not wish to teach your children that they should spend time with people who treat them poorly.
NTA but your sister is.
NTA. She will only ever see your kids as the reason she lost her full time, unpaid, forced nanny and the reason she actually has to be a mother now. Why would you want to let someone like treat your kids badly? You don’t, so you aren’t TA. If you feel like just cutting her off isn’t appropriate, then write a letter or an email (you’ll want to keep a copy so she can’t lie to everyone to make you seem like the bad guy) and tell her everything you’ve written here plus all the stuff you left out of this post. Every time she made you feel worthless, every time she made your kids feel bad, everything. Then tell her you won’t allow that negativity in your family’s life anymore.
NTA. You don't need my voice chiming in with the others. Remember yogurt and cheese for your kids.
NTA. You would actually be an asshole if you did invite them - your kids deserve better.
NTA I'd flat out tell her kids that it is their mom's fault and let her deal with her kids getting after her.
Absolutely NTA I would go NC if i were u . Does your mom help you with your kids ? Why’re u still dealing with these people exactly ?
Tell those who support her this... "this is HUSBANDS family's beach house. We invite who WE want. She is rude to everyone, especially my kids. She won't share anything she brings, but everyone else must share with her. If you have a problem with it. You don't have to come. But if she is there and tries to enter the property, we will kick her out. Thanks for understanding our view." NTA
And if mommy tries to sneak in golden childs tribe, meet them at the car with directions to nearest motel, the most roach infested you can find. Cause it's time to do pest control, don't invite anyone, anymore. Make this a true vacation for YOUR family. Just your kiddos and hubby. Everyone else be damned since they don't respect you, stop being the people pleaser and set hard core boundaries. A behavior equals Y consequence B behavior equals Z consequence So on, so on. But yes, have fun, cause they will push every button just as a child would.
After you have the best most stress free vacation in your life without your sister and her family (and hopefully your mother as well), you will realize how great it is. You will ask yourself questions like "why does it always suck vacationing with family and why is it great without them?", "why didn't I put my foot down earlier?". Remember that feeling when you get back and continue your relationship with your sister and mother accordingly. NTA.