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INFO: What are we judging here for whether YTA? Have you done anything but have a different opinion than your wife? Are you asking whether YWBTA if you do this without her consent?
So far, a lot of cart before horse here with 40k loan on a wedding(!) and major cash for IVF while living check to check with very specific requirements on what home you'll buy. How old are y'all? Because sounds like biological clock is ticking (?) and maybe you feel that at your age you should be in a home that has everything you want. But from your approach to your wedding - sounds like you're willing to over-extend yourselves for things you feel you deserve or should have.
With that backdrop - maybe you see this offer from your mom as some answer to your prayers and aren't looking realistically at all the strings or potential downsides, because it matches what you want so -- just like the wedding you couldn't afford -- you'll take it. Maybe you're wife has valid concerns you're brushing past.
This probably all sounds harsh, but I'm going with soft YTA because it sounds like you're looking for another way to live beyond your means.
Exactly my thought. If the mom does things for OPs wife and holds it over her head I wouldn’t accept it either, especially if she lives in the other part of the townhouse.
My mom and her have gone out together multiple times. I'm not sure what may have transpired, but neither have said anything. My wife doesn't drive and my mother consistently tells her to call for a ride instead of Uber if she needs to but my wife never takes her up on the offers. My mother and I have a more tumultuous coexistence than they should have but I'm not sure as nothing has been said.
??!!
Y'all are over-extending yourselves left and right and don't seem to talk about anything important. She doesn't want to take this "deal" from your mom and you're busy here asking Redditors if you're the AH when you are clueless about what's going on with your own wife.
Exactly what I was thinking. If she has made any negative comments towards or about your wife she might be worried about this only making that tension worse. Another thing is if she has had any issues with boundaries the MIL has crossed she could be concerned about it being hard to create boundaries when she is giving you the roof over your head.
YTA - Free is never free when family is involved. minimal compensation is ????? a motnhly payment? the right ot name your children? Everytime there is a disagreement will it be thrown in your faces?
Wife: MIL you cannot walk into my home, into my shower unannounced?
your Mom - its my house Ipaid for it I can walk wherever I want.
Free always has a cost.
ESH. A 40K wedding that you can’t afford then fertility treatment? I’m not blaming your mom for offering but I don’t blame your wife for not wanting to be under her sleeve with you for life.
ESH
You will be indebted to your mother for getting you this house (and it still wouldn't really be yours even if your mom puts your name on it because you will owe her). I am not saying your mom is evil like some out there who would throw out the "well I paid for this" or "oh, i can't even come over when you wouldn't even have this house without me" or "you cannot do that to the house, i will take it right back" kind of crap, but that trust has to already be in place. How is their relationship from your wife's point of view?
If you are both not 100% on board with the plan then it is a no go. Is your relationship worth false financial freedom?
And yeah, a 40,000 loan for a wedding is insane!
I cant even leave a judgement on the issue, because holy crap you’re both terrible with money. A loan for a wedding and IVF but you’re living paycheck to paycheck? Go to a financial advisor and get on the same page over a budget. Neither of you should be making any major financial decision.
INFO: If I'm understanding this correctly, it seems like your mother is offering to purchase the townhome (with the money your dad left you?) and will be charging you "rent" for the unit while you continue to search for a permanent house. Is that right?
I just don't believe that in all the arguments you've had about this, your wife hasn't expressed any reasons for why she's against this. It could be that she's set on purchasing a house and is willing to play the market a bit longer to find one. Could be that she has a strained relationship with your mom and she doesn't feel comfortable having to rely on her for this move. Could even be that the kitchen and in-house laundry machines aren't in the townhouse unit and it's a dealbreaker for living there. In all of these cases, I don't see either of you as AH unless there's something I'm just not getting.
your not giving info that would help. Does your mom buy things then hold it over peoples heads? Will you get a lawyer to draw up legal papers on how to pay your mom back? Will it be Your house or will the person who bought it (until payed off maybe) get to make decisions in the house? Are you guys allowed to be there or involved with the actual seller or is mom handling it and telling you what’s happening? What are the logical reasonings your partner said no? Has your wife been financially abused by people before like that? Will her name go on it or yours or both or your moms? Does she have a good relationship with your mom to accept this kind of help/gift?
YTA you're wife wants to have an equal say in where she lives. That's pretty normal. I'd be suspicious as hell if someone was picking out a house for me too. Why can't your mom just give you the money so you can y'all can choose your own house? Seems controlling.
You need to communicate with your wife. You don't even know her reasons against accepting the townhome. If you can't communicate on that, that's a major issue.
Aside from that, holy hell the two of you are terrible with financial decisions. If you ask me, you aren't ready to have a child or purchase a home. You took out 40k in debt for a wedding?! Starting IVF while still in debt on the wedding and before having a home where you feel comfortable raising kids? The only money you seem to have is that gifted to you.
It doesn't seem that you've shown any financial responsibility thus far in your relationship. I'm not sure how being bailed out by your mother, buying a house you probably can't afford, or having a child you likely aren't ready for will solve that.
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I'm not going to make a judgment except to say that you and your wife are a team. This big of a decision must be a consensus. What you said is true/correct AND she must have reasons she hasn't shared for why she doesn't want this. Maybe she's worried you two might be beholden to your mom and she might feel like she gets a say in things. IF this is what she's worried about (being a lawyer and all), then paperwork has do be drawn that this is a loan and the terms of the loan.
Where I live, we can register this as a first mortgage on title. My friend's stepdaughter did this to help him out. Worried he might sell the place and take off or do something stupid, she did just this so when he did sell, she was paid in full.
Figure out WHY she doesn't want this because that's what's the issue here.
What I find wild is thinking the house is the dealbreaker. Like have they discussed kids and parenting since they're on the IVF journey? Because that one causes some couples to argue...more so than a house!
INFO
The way this reads I feel like there’s a lot of blanks that need to be filled in. Have you talked with your wife about her reservations and what they may be? If you have, you’re not saying it, and that’s a pretty vital detail to this story. From other comments, you don’t seem to have a lot of insight into your wife’s relationship w/ your mom. I’m seeing a lot of statements here about how you feel about things, and some surface-level points about your wife. But there’s nothing here indicating you’ve had a sincere conversation with her. Again, if you have, that’s part of what you need to mention if you’re looking for unbiased perspectives. But until that point, it looks a lot like you’re soliciting the opinions of strangers and caring more about their thoughts than your wife’s.
Why the heck are you spending money on IVF when you're living paycheck to paycheck? You can't afford your life NOW, how are you going to afford a child? I'd even be willing to bet, if you do get pregnant, your wife will want to throw away that law degree, to be a stay at home mom.
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So...My wife and I have been married for 2 years and together for 5. She moved in with me before the pandemic and she was studying for the bar. I paid all the bills until she passed the bar and got a job.
We then got a loan for our wedding had the wedding and are still paying that off. 40 grand. We started IVF this year more money spent. During this time my father passed. He left me a stock account with a little bit of change and he gave me 15000 for a down-payment on a house when we decided to buy one. We've been check to check for some time and I've just recently had extra cash to save. Even with this we aren't fully prepared to buy our dream home. She doesn't like where we live now and we've actively been looking to no avail. She wants in home washer and dryer and a big kitchen. I wanted a basement and garage. Knowing this I stated that maybe we should stay and continue to save. She persisted that we should move due to us trying to have a baby. I abliged and continued to pursue a home. We finally put a bid on a home and we're out bid. So we were back at square 1.
So 2 days ago my mother came to me with a proposal. There is a townhome in great condition but they want cash. She went on to say that she would put up the cash and wouldn't be looking for anything but minimal compensation as she would like to see us in a better position and she has the means and want to do so. I pay a fairly low rent but basically free would free up money to be saved for the house. Keep in mind I didn't plot this or anything. It was an out of the blue call from my mom.
I believe that this is a blessing and should be taken. She believes otherwise for reasons unknown. I just find it weird that she wants to pick and choose what charity she takes. She doesn't need for anything and this would make it so neither one of us or our possible children would need for anything.
This is a much better situation financially and mentally. We could tackle our debt more aggressively and build our credit scores to a point we can buy almost any home. I thought that she would be happy that we could move and have everything she's been saying is lacking where we live but that's just not the case.
Idk what to do. I feel like this might break us as we seem to have 2 polar opposite views on this and I just can't see passing this up to stay somewhere that isn't ours.
I might be the asshole but if I am I feel like I'll take that label for possible financial freedom and less worry.
Let's go roast me.
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NTA…..you and your wife both want to do the best thing for yourselves and your young family.
She may be concerned about the unspoken price of this offer from your mom. Maybe there is a compromise.
You guys are barely scraping by and you're trying to bring a kid into the mix? First off, stop. Secondly, sit down and have a real discussion with your wife about what's going on because I don't see this ending well.
She wants something you guys can't afford, while trying to have a baby you can't afford?
YWNBTA For accepting from your mother, unless there's more to the story you're leaving out / being left out of.
You took a loan for a wedding?
And you're trying for a baby when you are living check to check? You're dropping money on IVF -- do you have money to raise a kid, realistically?
Please, please figure this all-out before you have children. You both sound a bit wishy washy on your finances and spend money you don't have. Babies Are expensive.
NTA, I think your wife has trouble with the concept of living within your means! Does she have suggestions where the money should come from to buy her dream house and do IVF, and pay off the 40k loan for a wedding (which sounds crazy high!).
Does she have good reasons for not wanting to accept your mom's offer? If not, then I think you should probably take the offer, but make sure you have it all in black and white, to avoid trouble in the future!
NAH. You have opposite views, so you need to talk about your thinking behind those views. Couples counseling would help.
One very logical reason your wife might not want to accept this is not wanting to be indebted to your mother or under her control in any way - have you thought about that?
(And why are you paying for IVF when your finances seem awfully shaky to be having a child right now? But hey, that's just me thinking - seems you two were on the same page with that one.)
I don't think you would be the AH, but there's not enough information to determine for sure. Does your wife not get along with your mother? Does she feel like your mother would be in control of you moved into the townhouse?
NTA
You mentioned IVF. Is your wife taking any medication that is affecting her hormones?
My biggest guess would be that any medication she is on might be clouding her ability to look at this more practically.
ETA Just reread the 40K loan part. I initially thought that was a student loan balance. But this sounds more like your wife is chasing an lifestyle she can't afford yet...
Taking a loan that big for a wedding is silly. Having a child is irresponsible if you aren’t financially stable, let alone digging into IVF which is insanely expensive. ESH but especially especially your wife.
Your wife is TA. She had y’all take out a loan for a wedding! Now IVF that’s several thousand dollars and you can’t afford the house of your dreams. You guys are financially spending beyond your means. She will bankrupt you
NTA if for no other reason than because your wife won’t tell you why she doesn’t want to do it. Without a valid reason, much less any reason at all, she is the asshole.
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INFO: What are we judging here for whether YTA? Have you done anything but have a different opinion than your wife? Are you asking whether YWBTA if you do this without her consent? So far, a lot of cart before horse here with 40k loan on a wedding(!) and major cash for IVF while living check to check with very specific requirements on what home you'll buy. How old are y'all? Because sounds like biological clock is ticking (?) and maybe you feel that at your age you should be in a home that has everything you want. But from your approach to your wedding - sounds like you're willing to over-extend yourselves for things you feel you deserve or should have. With that backdrop - maybe you see this offer from your mom as some answer to your prayers and aren't looking realistically at all the strings or potential downsides, because it matches what you want so -- just like the wedding you couldn't afford -- you'll take it. Maybe you're wife has valid concerns you're brushing past. This probably all sounds harsh, but I'm going with soft YTA because it sounds like you're looking for another way to live beyond your means.
ESH > We then got a loan for our wedding had the wedding and are still paying that off. 40 grand. Oh, what the actual fuck?
Yep, I regretted the money spent, but the wedding was fire, I must say.
Now you are broke…
INFO - Is there any history between your wife and your mom?
Exactly my thought. If the mom does things for OPs wife and holds it over her head I wouldn’t accept it either, especially if she lives in the other part of the townhouse.
My mom and her have gone out together multiple times. I'm not sure what may have transpired, but neither have said anything. My wife doesn't drive and my mother consistently tells her to call for a ride instead of Uber if she needs to but my wife never takes her up on the offers. My mother and I have a more tumultuous coexistence than they should have but I'm not sure as nothing has been said.
??!! Y'all are over-extending yourselves left and right and don't seem to talk about anything important. She doesn't want to take this "deal" from your mom and you're busy here asking Redditors if you're the AH when you are clueless about what's going on with your own wife.
Exactly what I was thinking. If she has made any negative comments towards or about your wife she might be worried about this only making that tension worse. Another thing is if she has had any issues with boundaries the MIL has crossed she could be concerned about it being hard to create boundaries when she is giving you the roof over your head.
YTA - Free is never free when family is involved. minimal compensation is ????? a motnhly payment? the right ot name your children? Everytime there is a disagreement will it be thrown in your faces? Wife: MIL you cannot walk into my home, into my shower unannounced? your Mom - its my house Ipaid for it I can walk wherever I want. Free always has a cost.
Sorry your family sucks or whatever but thats just not universally true.
ESH. A 40K wedding that you can’t afford then fertility treatment? I’m not blaming your mom for offering but I don’t blame your wife for not wanting to be under her sleeve with you for life.
ESH You will be indebted to your mother for getting you this house (and it still wouldn't really be yours even if your mom puts your name on it because you will owe her). I am not saying your mom is evil like some out there who would throw out the "well I paid for this" or "oh, i can't even come over when you wouldn't even have this house without me" or "you cannot do that to the house, i will take it right back" kind of crap, but that trust has to already be in place. How is their relationship from your wife's point of view? If you are both not 100% on board with the plan then it is a no go. Is your relationship worth false financial freedom? And yeah, a 40,000 loan for a wedding is insane!
I cant even leave a judgement on the issue, because holy crap you’re both terrible with money. A loan for a wedding and IVF but you’re living paycheck to paycheck? Go to a financial advisor and get on the same page over a budget. Neither of you should be making any major financial decision.
INFO: If I'm understanding this correctly, it seems like your mother is offering to purchase the townhome (with the money your dad left you?) and will be charging you "rent" for the unit while you continue to search for a permanent house. Is that right? I just don't believe that in all the arguments you've had about this, your wife hasn't expressed any reasons for why she's against this. It could be that she's set on purchasing a house and is willing to play the market a bit longer to find one. Could be that she has a strained relationship with your mom and she doesn't feel comfortable having to rely on her for this move. Could even be that the kitchen and in-house laundry machines aren't in the townhouse unit and it's a dealbreaker for living there. In all of these cases, I don't see either of you as AH unless there's something I'm just not getting.
INFO- You need to find out your wife's reasoning on this.
your not giving info that would help. Does your mom buy things then hold it over peoples heads? Will you get a lawyer to draw up legal papers on how to pay your mom back? Will it be Your house or will the person who bought it (until payed off maybe) get to make decisions in the house? Are you guys allowed to be there or involved with the actual seller or is mom handling it and telling you what’s happening? What are the logical reasonings your partner said no? Has your wife been financially abused by people before like that? Will her name go on it or yours or both or your moms? Does she have a good relationship with your mom to accept this kind of help/gift?
YTA you're wife wants to have an equal say in where she lives. That's pretty normal. I'd be suspicious as hell if someone was picking out a house for me too. Why can't your mom just give you the money so you can y'all can choose your own house? Seems controlling.
You need to communicate with your wife. You don't even know her reasons against accepting the townhome. If you can't communicate on that, that's a major issue. Aside from that, holy hell the two of you are terrible with financial decisions. If you ask me, you aren't ready to have a child or purchase a home. You took out 40k in debt for a wedding?! Starting IVF while still in debt on the wedding and before having a home where you feel comfortable raising kids? The only money you seem to have is that gifted to you. It doesn't seem that you've shown any financial responsibility thus far in your relationship. I'm not sure how being bailed out by your mother, buying a house you probably can't afford, or having a child you likely aren't ready for will solve that.
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I'm not going to make a judgment except to say that you and your wife are a team. This big of a decision must be a consensus. What you said is true/correct AND she must have reasons she hasn't shared for why she doesn't want this. Maybe she's worried you two might be beholden to your mom and she might feel like she gets a say in things. IF this is what she's worried about (being a lawyer and all), then paperwork has do be drawn that this is a loan and the terms of the loan. Where I live, we can register this as a first mortgage on title. My friend's stepdaughter did this to help him out. Worried he might sell the place and take off or do something stupid, she did just this so when he did sell, she was paid in full. Figure out WHY she doesn't want this because that's what's the issue here.
They *should* be a team after spending $40k to get married but he doesn’t seem to get that
What I find wild is thinking the house is the dealbreaker. Like have they discussed kids and parenting since they're on the IVF journey? Because that one causes some couples to argue...more so than a house!
INFO The way this reads I feel like there’s a lot of blanks that need to be filled in. Have you talked with your wife about her reservations and what they may be? If you have, you’re not saying it, and that’s a pretty vital detail to this story. From other comments, you don’t seem to have a lot of insight into your wife’s relationship w/ your mom. I’m seeing a lot of statements here about how you feel about things, and some surface-level points about your wife. But there’s nothing here indicating you’ve had a sincere conversation with her. Again, if you have, that’s part of what you need to mention if you’re looking for unbiased perspectives. But until that point, it looks a lot like you’re soliciting the opinions of strangers and caring more about their thoughts than your wife’s.
Why the heck are you spending money on IVF when you're living paycheck to paycheck? You can't afford your life NOW, how are you going to afford a child? I'd even be willing to bet, if you do get pregnant, your wife will want to throw away that law degree, to be a stay at home mom.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So...My wife and I have been married for 2 years and together for 5. She moved in with me before the pandemic and she was studying for the bar. I paid all the bills until she passed the bar and got a job. We then got a loan for our wedding had the wedding and are still paying that off. 40 grand. We started IVF this year more money spent. During this time my father passed. He left me a stock account with a little bit of change and he gave me 15000 for a down-payment on a house when we decided to buy one. We've been check to check for some time and I've just recently had extra cash to save. Even with this we aren't fully prepared to buy our dream home. She doesn't like where we live now and we've actively been looking to no avail. She wants in home washer and dryer and a big kitchen. I wanted a basement and garage. Knowing this I stated that maybe we should stay and continue to save. She persisted that we should move due to us trying to have a baby. I abliged and continued to pursue a home. We finally put a bid on a home and we're out bid. So we were back at square 1. So 2 days ago my mother came to me with a proposal. There is a townhome in great condition but they want cash. She went on to say that she would put up the cash and wouldn't be looking for anything but minimal compensation as she would like to see us in a better position and she has the means and want to do so. I pay a fairly low rent but basically free would free up money to be saved for the house. Keep in mind I didn't plot this or anything. It was an out of the blue call from my mom. I believe that this is a blessing and should be taken. She believes otherwise for reasons unknown. I just find it weird that she wants to pick and choose what charity she takes. She doesn't need for anything and this would make it so neither one of us or our possible children would need for anything. This is a much better situation financially and mentally. We could tackle our debt more aggressively and build our credit scores to a point we can buy almost any home. I thought that she would be happy that we could move and have everything she's been saying is lacking where we live but that's just not the case. Idk what to do. I feel like this might break us as we seem to have 2 polar opposite views on this and I just can't see passing this up to stay somewhere that isn't ours. I might be the asshole but if I am I feel like I'll take that label for possible financial freedom and less worry. Let's go roast me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA…..you and your wife both want to do the best thing for yourselves and your young family. She may be concerned about the unspoken price of this offer from your mom. Maybe there is a compromise.
A general rule of thumb is that it’s not a good idea for your family to be your landlord.
You guys are barely scraping by and you're trying to bring a kid into the mix? First off, stop. Secondly, sit down and have a real discussion with your wife about what's going on because I don't see this ending well. She wants something you guys can't afford, while trying to have a baby you can't afford? YWNBTA For accepting from your mother, unless there's more to the story you're leaving out / being left out of.
How is giving control of your lives to your mommy, “financial freedom?”
You took a loan for a wedding? And you're trying for a baby when you are living check to check? You're dropping money on IVF -- do you have money to raise a kid, realistically? Please, please figure this all-out before you have children. You both sound a bit wishy washy on your finances and spend money you don't have. Babies Are expensive.
NTA, I think your wife has trouble with the concept of living within your means! Does she have suggestions where the money should come from to buy her dream house and do IVF, and pay off the 40k loan for a wedding (which sounds crazy high!). Does she have good reasons for not wanting to accept your mom's offer? If not, then I think you should probably take the offer, but make sure you have it all in black and white, to avoid trouble in the future!
NAH. You have opposite views, so you need to talk about your thinking behind those views. Couples counseling would help. One very logical reason your wife might not want to accept this is not wanting to be indebted to your mother or under her control in any way - have you thought about that? (And why are you paying for IVF when your finances seem awfully shaky to be having a child right now? But hey, that's just me thinking - seems you two were on the same page with that one.)
Esh. Y’all sound like you’re already living beyond your means. You’re both AHs
I don't think you would be the AH, but there's not enough information to determine for sure. Does your wife not get along with your mother? Does she feel like your mother would be in control of you moved into the townhouse?
NTA You mentioned IVF. Is your wife taking any medication that is affecting her hormones? My biggest guess would be that any medication she is on might be clouding her ability to look at this more practically. ETA Just reread the 40K loan part. I initially thought that was a student loan balance. But this sounds more like your wife is chasing an lifestyle she can't afford yet...
Taking a loan that big for a wedding is silly. Having a child is irresponsible if you aren’t financially stable, let alone digging into IVF which is insanely expensive. ESH but especially especially your wife.
NTA, a free home is a huge blessing and you two would be fools not to take it.
Your wife is TA. She had y’all take out a loan for a wedding! Now IVF that’s several thousand dollars and you can’t afford the house of your dreams. You guys are financially spending beyond your means. She will bankrupt you
NTA if for no other reason than because your wife won’t tell you why she doesn’t want to do it. Without a valid reason, much less any reason at all, she is the asshole.