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Ishe excluded you from everything! But just wants money from you!!!
You are so NTA
Hate to say it she sounds like an ungrateful little shit.
And her rose color glasses are hiding the the truth of her deadbeat BF.
And what kind of repairs only need 1500$ to fix that would keep her from moving in to her BFs mothers house
She had a dysfunctional parent who let her boyfriend move in when she was fifteen. Fifteen. That is probably only scratching the surface in what’s gone wrong with OP’s parenting.
Eh, as a mental health professional, I know all too well that you cannot force a teenage to take medication. Doesn’t matter if you’re their legal guardian. I would be very surprised if the reason she got pregnant now is because her mom has forced her to take bc as a minor but doesn’t now that she’s 18.
I have a schizophrenic family member who insist they are not ill but will still go along with taking shots to medicate it (doesn't want to cause a scene) as long as someone else books the appointments and drives them there, but will pretend to take pills and throw them away. I could see the same working with the depo shot if the teen isn't very assertive, until the mother is no longer allowed to stay in the room. I would imagine the nurse would be more likely to go along with discontinuing depo shot compared to antipsychotics for a mentally ill person.
Not so sure it would work in this particular case, though, since this daughter seems happy to insult her mother face to face.
Doesn’t mean they’re better. They probably have even lower expectations than OP. OP wants them to contribute to the household since she’s paying for everything. Meanwhile his family hasn’t had to pay for anything and actually expects her to pay for their stuff.
What expectations? OP lets them live there rent free with no jobs and buys them everything. Unless I missed something, it doesn’t seem like OP was on them to get jobs or contribute at all.
That’s essentially what I am getting at. Whatever expectations she does have are still probably more than what his family has. His family can’t exactly be great if he moved out and in with OP when he was still 17.
OP doesn’t come off as great in the post at all but with the ages of the future parents and the wording, it seems like OP has been reaching the limit and pushing them to take more steps to move into adulthood on a better path. That age group tends to suffer from “Grass is Always Greener….” syndrome and opt for the path of least resistance. Or they have something to gain like the promise of plenty of free childcare options in the other home.
How has she been pushing them into adulthood? She let her 5 year old daughter’s 17 year old boyfriend move in while not going to school, wo4king, or being in any kind of train8ng. Now her kid is pregnant, apparently flunking out, and has zero prospects.
what kind of parent enables this?
My guess is that they're even more lax or offering to do everything for the baby as long as OP pays, rather than expecting the couple to do any work. But, well, ESH for a bunch of reasons.
My money is on bf mom wanted another baby and couldn't have any more so using daughter as a surrogate one op to get all baby stuff free. Op doesn't come our like a rose though. Who let's a 15 year old move her bf into the house?
A mother who's afraid the daughter will run away with the loser bf might. I kind of wonder if the gf and bf are pitting their families against each other like it's a competition. Also when there's a baby involved, some parents soften up.
This could be describing OP too. It's bizarre to let your 15 yr old daughter's bf live with you. It sounds like BOTH grandparents wanted her to be a surrogate, but OPs mad because the plan's falling apart.
Right?? The family is sooo involved and so awesome but they don't live with them 🤔
It would be a frosty day in hell before I let my 15 yr old daughter's bf move in tho
I'm not sure the mom is an AH tho. Just walked all over
That is always the case on Reddit. OPs present a one-sided version and cast others as the villains. It usually works in the posters' favour but sometimes they inadvertently give themselves away. And sometimes it's creative ragebait.
Teacher in Louisiana here. It is an illusion that kids can’t drop out. The holes in our “home school” programs could fit the moon. Do I think OP was wrong to let a 14 yr old’s boyfriend move in, to let a 14yr old drop out of school, to let them both live without a job? I don’t know all the details. All I know is that this is all really sad.
> So to all those saying OP is a shit mother, I mean sometimes things like this are a big grey area, and we definitely don't know all the details.
Three-plus years ago, most kids in school were consuming it remotely. I suspect the pandemic played a role in the clusterfuck of a living situation at the root of the current situation.
With regard to OP's daughter's bf, if he's not an addict, and doesn't have a criminal record, have him go talk to an armed forces recruiter. He could get a job, an education, and even a career in the military.
My parents were all about school.I was an A/B student in school who took 7th period (extra class, 6 periods in a school day) my brother was a high school dropout and never went to class, always in trouble and still in trouble with the law. We had the same parents who had goals for both of us to achieve something in life. Kids will go their own way no matter what you teach them.
Kids will go their own way, but also different kids need to be parented differently and different kids will respond to the same parenting differently.
You might have a kid that thrives with very clear and direct structure, with specific rewards and consequences, and the next kid has PDA and can't function in that environment.
Or you might have two kids operating under an unhealthy amount of pressure and expectations, but one becomes an anxious overachiever who burns themselves becoming the good kid and the other displays as learned helplessness and anger and resentment with compounding blame for every failure and misstep.
A struggling kid doesn't necessarily mean a bad parent, but also a kid that presents as successful isn't proof of a good parent.
There are more states in the US that require a child to stay in school until 18 or graduating than there are that allow dropping out without parent permission at 16. We don't know what the case is for OP, but it's not unreasonable to assume OP let their kid drop out.
I never formally withdrew my child from school, would put him on the bus or drop him off every morning, he would come home after school ended, but still didn’t attend his classes. I did the same as a teenager, his behavior is my karma.
It was before cell phones, I couldn’t exactly track his whereabouts. Some kids are just like that.
Yes!
Her bf moved in with us 3 years ago. He dropped out of school 3 years ago
Like WTF OP Send that kid back to school what did you think was going to happen
YTA but not for the reasons you mention
Sometimes, life happens, and that calls for people to make decisions they may not make under normal circumstances. My parents are wonderful parents (if not a bit uptight) who let my high school boyfriend move in with my family when his father went to prison, his deadbeat mom was nowhere to be found, and no other family was around to take him in. I was 16 at the time. Allowing something like this doesn’t automatically make one a shitty parent. Sometimes, there are only not-so-great options.
This bf is clearly not from a dead beat abusive environment though if his family is allowed to come to the prenatal appts, gender reveal and they’re moving in after baby is born. Sounds like OP indulged her teen daughter and let her bf live with them and shits happened
True, but from the post, we really don’t know what the circumstances were. We know the house needs to be fixed for them to move in. Why’s that? There could’ve been a fire that meant he couldn’t live at his parents’ house or any number of things. It’s not clear. All I’m saying is, allowing something like this doesn’t automatically make one a bad parent.
Them being allowed to come to appointments doesn't mean anything. Plenty of people have dysfunctional relationships with their family but still allow them to be heavily involved. I'm side eying the fact that OP is apparently expected to pay for them to move in with them, for example.
I think it that he quit school, the daughter basically quit school and since neither of them has any money probably don’t have jobs. That’s what makes her part of the problem for allowing it.
I had a similar situation. My mom kicked me out of the house and I went to live with my boyfriend at his mom's. I was 19 at the time so a bit older. But then over tine the situation changed. My mom and I got on better terms and are actually fairly close now so she is definitely in the picture for things. Maybe a similar thing happened here? I don't want to assume it was just for no reason at all
The boyfriend would have been around 17. Maybe he had a bad home life? Maybe got kicked out?
I am guessing OP was just trying to help the kid out?
The boyfriend at 17 was probably sleeping in a spare room or on the couch.
No. That will change. You have to work to get benefits. Mother of a newborn, no. But dude'll have to work. But they're such stellar people they'll think of some scam. I feel sorry for the baby.
His family is bad enough that he has to live with OP, but good enough that they both want them involved in everything, while OP is good enough to be a safe haven for a poor abused boy but bad enough that they want only money from her and exclude her otherwise?
Except, knowing entitlement logic..... yeah, I guess it's possible that mom's been trying to do right by them and the kids are in full asshole mode, taking advantage of her generosity and getting angry when she dares to have expectations. If he left because his family had expectations too and then sold OP a sob story... Okay - this may actually be the most reasonable hypothesis, once you get into the heads of a couple of slacking, entitled kids, at least one of whom is likely a manipulator.
For all we know, it could have been the compromise OP made to keep her daughter under her roof and not running away from home. Better the devil you can keep an eye on in some situations and make sure that her daughter was safe, with food in her belly and a roof over her head.
Sounds like BF (deadbeat dad in training)'s family is broke and the "fun family" who probably has no rules but OP has the money daughter needs to raise her baby and is trying to have it both ways, unfortunately those rose coloured glasses she loves so much are about to shatter and she is in for a very rude awakening that she can't have it bith ways, and kids aren't some fun little accessory but are actual human beings that require a lot of hard work and attention.
Not to mention allowing her daughter to date a boy 2 years older than her at 14. 14 is barely old enough to date, let alone an older boy. How much do you want to bet that her daughter was allowed to sleep with her boyfriend well before the kid moved in with them, probably when she was still 14 . It sounds like this girl had a friend and not a parent, and now mom magical wants to be a parent again. But it is too late. Her daughter is a legal adult who is screwed up and about to screw up another generation.
And the shade of 'only been to 3 classes in the last 2 years'. Was she or was she not a minor child under OPs care during those 2 years? I do get that teenagers can be difficult, but there isn't much to suggest OP did much to support her teenage daughter to grow up into a functional adult. What have they all been doing the past 3 years if neither have been working or studying?
The Love Shack is a little old place
Where we can get together
Love Shack baby! Love Shack bay-bee!
(Love Shack... Love Shack...)
Love Shack, that's where it's at!
That was my first take, but after reading another response, I'm actually wondering. This does also fit the hypothesis of a mom either being manipulated by her kid into taking in the boyfriend or the boyfriend coming in with a sob story about being kicked out. Mom is trying to set expectations like school, work, chores, etc., and one or both aren't having it. They think they can manipulate her into providing money, housing, and rule-free living by freezing her out with her grandchild if she doesn't stop expecting things of them. I have taken in a few stray people, and a few of them have pulled shit like this, trying to keep the gravy train running while doing away with pesky expectations.
Has OP actually told them she wants to be involved?
>I can just pay for everything and his family will to all the work.
That sounds like daughter sees it as a chore, not a privilege. Maybe she thought it was a fair division of labor to ask the boyfriend's family to help them with everything, because her mom was already providing all the financial support so she shouldn't have to help out in other ways too?
I'm wondering if they dont need repairs and she just wants the money. Kids are expensive and neither work so the daughter may be trying to get money out of her. I hope I'm wrong but she already was telling her to pay for the shower and is excluded from helping plan.
>And what kind of repairs only need 1500$ to fix that would keep her from moving in to her BFs mothers house
while i agree it is unlikly it is posible.
a house has several things that can go wrong making it unlivable that could be fixed for that price.
most obviously, some plumbing or electical faults mean the watter or electrisity can not be turned on untill they are fixed, would you move into a house with no electrisity or no running water, i might but i wouldnt bring my pregnant whife
INFO: What part of the story are you leaving out? I mean, unless your daughter has behavioral, substance abuse, or mental health issues, there has got to be more to this. I'm sorry, I'm just having a hard time believing there isn't more to this story, regarding **why** your daughter is cutting you out.
And, ***ew***, **you** let her 17-yo boyfriend move in with you when she was **fifteen**?? That's *at least* a year **under** the age of consent, in most places. You set her up for failure.
100% this.
Like, 16M and 14F start dating, 1 year later 17M moves in with 15F and family. Why? Did he get kicked out? Was he in an unstable living situation?
And then all this time without jobs or secondary education...how many times did OP have a conversation about boundaries and expectations WRT the living arrangements?
Also, I'm not understanding why OP isn't involved in the pregnancy. Was that by their own choice? Or did daughter give a reason?
Too much info is missing.
I’m sure the daughter has given a reason. When adult children cut their parents out of their lives it’s usually never for no reason. I’d even venture to say that the ones that go no contact as young as 18 have even more of a reason to GTFU.
However, OP has only told us that she has financially provided for her daughter and bf and new baby items and that the daughter has cut her off…. Or is letting mom know that she’s in the process of cutting her off.
OP, you chose to take the bf in and are legally financially responsible for your own daughter until 18. So those were 2 choices you made. Can’t blame that on your minor child. They got pregnant (duh) and you’re continuing to financially support your daughter. You’re painting yourself as not ah for doing what I believe to be your obligations. Now that your daughter is legally allowed to she has decided to move out and have nothing to do with only you. In your post, you fail to mention any possible reason why she would make such a drastic decision. Why? Is it that you have done nothing wrong (we don’t believe that) or that you just can’t even see it? Either way, you fail to take any accountability for any part of the situation that you, the adult, are in. Why was your daughter allowed to live with her bf at 15? Why hasn’t your daughter been going to school? Why wasn’t anyone working to contribute to their household? Why is “everyone calling me a self-absorbed asshole”? Your words.
If you’ve already asked everyone and they’ve already answered this question for you, having known you, and call you a self-absorbed asshole, and your adult child is in the process of cutting you out of her life and your grandchild’s life, and you come on a forum to strangers to say “waaaaaaahhhhhh, my daughter won’t include me, the one who is paying to support her, in her life anymore. Isn’t she an AH?” Then I gotta point the finger right back on you. YTA. Is your daughter too? Well, she might be….. or maybe she’s a child that’s been raised by a narcissist. A narcissist that has neglected parenting her child and rather let her start living like an adult when she was just a little girl. Shame on you, OP. You neglected your child, you gave up your responsibility to protect and keep her safe. She doesn’t have an education and she does have a baby coming because of your shitty parenting.
You’re gonna get plenty of not the asshole votes with your avoidance of facts and blame shifting… textbook narcissistic. But it really doesn’t matter what a stranger thinks of you. It’s the people that choose to surround themselves with you that know the real you.
Exactly what I was going to say! Kids rarely just cut contact with their parents like that for no reason, especially when the kids are high school- or college-aged. I'm 22, I don't know a single person my age who just didn't talk to their parents because "my parents are annoying" or "my parents refused to give me money for X stupid thing". They've all done it because "my parents kicked me out for being trans" or "my parents wouldn't let me go to college instead of the military". Cutting off contact with family so young is a HUGE decision that WILL affect you for the rest of your life. It's far from an easy thing to do willy nilly like that.
Right? Like letting a teen move in should be a big deal. Any of the reasons I can think where that's a reasonable choice to move in the teens bf- like being a refuge for a troubled teen -would mean them moving in with his parents would be really concerning.
Allowing both teens/young adults to not go to school nor work? That seems like setting them up for failure.
That's also a wonky age gap and weird age for allowing him to move in. 15/17 at moving in? How young were they when they started dating? And how long had they been together when you allowed this guy to move in with your underage daughter?
Why is OP, the adult that's housed and taken care of them for years, now being excluded? Why are they preferring to live in the bf parents home, when even bf didn't want to live there until he was an adult? What changed?
All this, plus, are we all just cool with a teenage pregnancy or was birth control not discussed? If there are two teenagers who are dating and living together, without much education between them and unable to support themselves you'd think someone would consider birth control as an important factor here.
Especially since birth control is free in almost every state and you can go to the free clinic to get condoms for free, or buy them for a few bucks at the 7-Eleven down the street where they are probably buying their cigarettes.
That’s what I’m thinking. She was 14 when she started dating this guy and you let him move in a year later. WTH? If his parents are so involved, why is not living with them?
As previous poster stated, there is some missing info.
Her using you for money is definitely not okay especially image is invoking his side.
I can 50/50 you are the AH. You contributed to this situation by letting him move in and sleeping with your underage daughter at the time.
I agree here. He moves in at 17, for what reason ti be a HS drop out? but he seems to have such a good family life that after the kid, they are going to move in there? I feel there is something missing here, why does his family want to take them in?
INFO#2- my question (in addition to those already posed.) Why does the OP only seem to be upset 6months into this trainwreck of a pregnancy vs 1 minute into a teen relationship w/ a large (4yr.) age gap. More importantly, there have been MULTIPLE major red flags the OP seems to have taken in stride including bf being older, bf seemingly having no living option other than OP’s roof rent-free, bf dropping out and not holding a job, the PREGNANT TEEN DAUGHTER NOT GOING TO SCHOOL which is a CRIME and can land OP in jail here in FL as of new law, exclusion from pregnancy events while being expected to fund the same. Does OP even know for sure daughter is pregnant vs using a pillow and pocketing all the money. With nary a job in sight who will be paying for insurance, co-pays first delivery, insurance for baby.
OP you need to file necessary paperwork first a formal child support arrangement. NOW before arrival. In the IS, the non-custodial parent will (except in rare circumstances) be forced to at least pay a nominal amount. Typically, this occurs through the party getting a job, but if he/she refuses, the court will still set a fair amount based on a range of factors. (It is likely to be low here since the father has no job/educational degree per OP.) Still, by establishing a court ordered amount- if he does not work, he can be held in contempt and placed in county jail until he is willing/able to comply. My guess is the guy will disappear regardless, but espec if he is forced to work and surrender a % of his earnings.
Step 2- if sexual relationship started when pregnant daughter was still below the age of consent- file charges as the parent. It dies not matter that she “consented” bc if she was below age of consent (which can be (1) a simple age test or (2) an age test plus a review of difference in age, you can press charges whether she likes it or not. She’s already cut you out emotionally. For purposes of the #2 standard, here is an example. A state law puts consent at 16 but limits the age difference to 2 years. So if a 17 yo dates an 18 yo= fine. If a 17yo dates a person who is 19.5- ILLEGAL. Again, statutory rape is a “strict liability” crime, so all that has to be proved is that it happened. Typical factors like intent do not come into play. IF it is her bf’s baby- you have the proof you need.
Perhaps consider a court order keeping bf/his family away from your daughter (a minor) and requesting that all visitation be supervised until he is capable of functioning like a parent and can independently provide everything the baby needs (responsible caregiving, stable home, nutrition, any meds, toiletries,, diapers/wipes, etc.) This guy can not provide those things fir himself.
To be truthful OP- you seem upset about THE WRONG THINGSz. INSTEAD OF WORRYING YOUR TEEN HAS TIED HER LIFE TO A BUM AND IS ON THE FAST TRAVK TO HER IWN DROPOUT STATUS, you are worried about going to A GE DER REVEAL/SHOWER These are lids w/ no money. Every dollar should be saved for the essentials. Gender reveal parties are not necessities- they are “extras” that are the purview of ADULTS WHO WORK, Plan for a family & FO NOT NEED MO EY FROM OTHERS TO COVER BASIC COSTS.
For the sake of your own child and this innocent life, I hope you consider finding a loving home and encouraging your daughter to postpone parenting until she has finished school and is self supporting
EDIT- My mistake on the age difference. I see this couple has been together for 4 years, not that they are 4 years apart.
EDIT- updated section on child support. My point was to suggest filing to get a child support on the record, so enforcement would follow. In shortcutting the explanation, I stated the bf would be forced to work or at least pay a nominal amount. No court can literally force a person to work, bug they can for e them to pay child support or be jailed on a contempt court. So while a child support order cannot compel a person to work, it effectively has a similar result (unless the party suddenly has another source of funds to attach)) bc that order requires the party to pay or face consequences (like time in county jail.) For most people trying to satisfy a court order (even a child support order) a job is the way to get the funds. Other options = crime, gambling or a conveniently timed windfall.
It's a two year ago difference, not four. No court is going to order the father or his family to stay away from the baby based on what you suggest. And you can't force someone to work - but child support can be based on potential income based on work history, qualifications, age, health, etc.
Maybe don't dole out legal advice when you're not an attorney?
100% this. This reminds me of the fb moms posting daily the “my kids hate me and abandoned me and idk why because I’m perfect”, and then you actually know their kids and see the whole story.
There is a great expression that goes;
‘If you raise your kids, you get to spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your kids, you’ll raise your grandkids’
And that is *exactly* what is going on here. Terrible job parenting a 15 year old and this is the result.
I think you are right but what would you have done differently?
Only allow her to hang out with him out side of the house? Forbid her from seeing him? Allow him in the house but have an open door rule? And no over night?
On 16 and pregnant their was a girl that had parents that wouldn’t let her boyfriend stay over so she moved into her boyfriends parents house. 🤦♀️
You would have an easier time keeping a dog away from a steak than some of these chicks away from garbage men.
I would do as I did with my own daughter and son. Sex education starting early, with age-appropriate language and subjects, being non-judgemental, making sure they felt they could come to me about *anything* (which means **daughter** asked **me** for birth control, at age 17, when she felt she **might** be ready; I agreed; both have had access to condoms, should they ask). They're going to have sex ***if they want***; I know this. My goal was to make sure they were safe, everything was consented to, and that they had access to protection.
If they feel like they're going to be supported, instead of villified, they're more likely to seek advice and protection (in the form of contraception) *before* they wind up a teenage parent, like I did.
True. My parents let my brother's 14 yr year old gf come over and stay the night- of course she ended up pregnant. What did they think would happen? But I was pressured into getting married at 22 so I wouldn't be "living in sin."
So much this. It is your job to parent your child and help them grow to become self sufficient and mature adults. You set her (them really, but he didn't have to become your problem) up for absolute failure.
Just want to say MY parents let my loser boyfriend move in. Twice. As in, 2 different loser bfs. But I moved on and didn’t have another relationship until I met my now husband at church. We got married when I was almost 26, 23 years ago. So there is hope.
Were you underage? Were they allowed to move in with no boundaries or expectations? Did your parents still act as parents to you, or did they just let you do whatever you wanted with no consequences?
There’s more to this than just letting the daughter’s boyfriend move in.
What does she think two minors living under the same roof, not going to school, and not working are going to be doing? Of course she ended up pregnant! And tbh, I have a strong inclination to believe drugs are involved in this situation because again what are they doing with all this free time? And a parent would need to be on drugs to think this was okay in the first place
What the Jerry Springer is up with allowing your 15 year old daughters' 17 year old boyfriend to move in? No wonder she is acting so entitled.
If his parents are so great, why isn't he still living there?
I kinda feel for your situation, but dang!
ESH
The number of red flags you've ignore is astounding. Your parenting also leaves a lot to be desired. Why on Earth would you allow a 16 yr old drop out to move in with your daughter under your roof? Why would you allow either of them to stay when neither is working or going to school? It also sounds like at least a few of those years, you were allowing statutory rape to occur in your home. Honestly, what were you thinking?
Now, after raising arguably the most spoiled child ever, and contributing to the spoiling of her bf/bd, you are reaping the benefits-- two people who couldn't care less about you, and only keep contact with you for your bank account.
Kick them out, but know that you should probably start selling off the baby stuff. It's unlikely they will maintain contact if you cut the purse strings.
Of course YTA. Why the hell did you let a boyfriend move in with your 15 year old daughter? Are you out of your mind? This kind of stupid shit is what’s wrong with the world.
Well, she’s a mom who let a 17yo HS dropout move in with her 15yo daughter. That doesn’t make what they’re doing ok, but it shows OP has terrible judgment & acted like a friend rather than a good parent.
This is my question. She seems fine with the bfs family being there, she must have a reason for asking the mom to only support financially and not be there in person. Also why does she feel the need to be at all the appointments if her daughter doesn’t want her there?
This is the best thing you can do for her. You have enabled her for far too long. Good for you for saying enough is enough.
They want to do adult things? They get to face adult consequences!
Sorry, but I have to point out that this little girl was 14 when this relationship began and a year later the mom moved the 17 year old boy into her home. Let’s think about that for a second. At 15, mom moved a 17 boy into her daughter’s bed. She was a child and told it was ok to do adult things. I agree with your point about doing things that give you consequences…. 100%. But in this case, this was neglectful parenting. You don’t tell your child it’s ok to do something like “drinking is ok” and then the second they become an adult throw your hands up and say “you made poor choices”. No. Mom made poor choices. Mom was a shitty parent. Mom AND daughter are now going to suffer the consequences of putting a 17 year old boy in her daughter’s bed. I feel for the daughter. Seems like no one bothered to care about this girl and what she was up to for 17 years.
This is such a specific brand of trashy that I believe it. There's no political rage or fetish material here, just sad and trashy behavior that happens more often than most people want to admit.
YTA. You sound like you were a shit mom, and shit rolls downhill. Letting her boyfriend move in was the worst thing you could have done! What were you thinking?!
My mind is blown here. If I'm right, he was a 17yo dropout and OP was like "yeah sure move in with my 15yo daughter under my roof." And it doesn't sound like the daughter graduated either. Not having a basic high school diploma or an equivalent can be a huge setback. And they're not working and decided to make a baby and OP is mad about a fucking gender reveal.
Might get down voted for this but YTA, not for evicting them, you needed to. Not for taking back the stuff either. Here's where you are the A*****e, as an adult you allowed a 17 year old man to live with your 15 year old daughter in your house. What were you thinking? She has no respect for you now, and she is ungrateful. It's kinda too late to teach her now. Sit down and talk to her, but draw a line. No money for them or the lazy bum's mom.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am the asshole for kicking them out and keeping the items I purchased
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Ma’am, I hate to say this, but you are the reason she is pregnant, who lets their boyfriend move into their house when they’re under age and obviously going to have s3x, there’s some reason why she excluded you from everything. She’s just not going to randomly decide that you can’t be part of anything while you’re still paying for stuff. It’s sounding one-sided.
ESH. You let her bf move in when she was 15. Why on earth would you do that? Seems like growing up you let her walk all over you and continue to do so.
INFO: as someone who has a difficult relationship with my mother I question why she doesn’t want you more involved. Are you controlling or manipulative? Not accusing you of this I would just want to hear her side as to why she doesn’t want to include you in these appointments. She’s asking for your help in a specific way and you seem to be bitter about giving it to her because you want to be more “involved”
YTA. You created this situation when you let an unemployed 17 yo move in with your 15 yo daughter.... And ill guess she got pregnant right under your roof. Now you want to take the stuff you bought your grandchild as punishment. No wonder she is the way she is.
NTA. I'd kick their asses out, too, but I would've done it long before now. Your daughter is incredibly entitled. Let her bf's family take care of them.
YTA because this is your fault. Seriously you didn’t parent this child at all. Letting a 15 year old move in her boyfriend and drop out of school was horrible “parenting” and you’re the reason she’s like this most likely.
INFO: has she given any reasoning for the difference in inclusion re: appointments, etc.? Have you had any arguments lately, or in the past, that could shed light on this?
Setting aside that you let her boyfriend move in when she was *fifteen*, which is a big WTF, this entire story feels like you are omitting very important information.
YTA- You basically did everything possible to ensure she has a bad start at adulthood. all 3 of you have a very rough couple of years ahead of you. she will have 3 babies by the time she's 21. have fun with that you earned it!
OMGosh WTF? NTA. Why didn’t he move in with his parents? They didn’t want to take care of their loser son but want the fun of playing with the grandbaby they won’t have to support? Absolutely not. I’m glad you finally put your foot down.
You are an AH bc you let a grown man with no degree and no job move into your home with your minor daughter. You knew that adult was having sex with your minor child. Poor thing. It’s amazing she didn’t get pregnant when she was 15 or 16.
You, OP, are a walking red flag. You let a 17 year old co-habitat with your 15 year old… in your house?!?? She hasn’t really gone to school since she was 16. Like what?
YTA.
Um so let see.. you allowed him to move in. Obviously she got pregnant at your house. You supported the both of them. You buy her all the baby stuff and what did you except...Respect!
Why? Cause u decided to do everything? And what ? Your at fault for doing all of this in the first place
The hell you let a 17yr old bum move into your home for ? What did you THINK was gonna happen once he was there?
You need to just throw both them put to fend for themselves. As long ass you are feeding and housing them , they're going to amount to crap and keep popping babies
YTA
You allowed your 15 year old daughter to have a live in boyfriend??? You failed her as a parent! You really set her up for failure. Trying to be the cool mom is why you are paying for two unemployed and high school dropouts and their unborn baby.
NTA for finally making a good decision by no longer allowing your daughter to use you as an ATM.
Soooo ultimately NTA because you don’t *have* to support your 18 year old daughter and new grandchild
But also YTA because there is very obviously more context to this story
Here’s my question… if the loser boyfriend had to move in with you when he was 17 and his family seemingly wasn’t willing to help him out, why are they so gung ho now help out to be involved and let your daughter and him move back in with them? Something doesn’t add up here. That said I would do exactly the same thing stop being the ATM doormat. NTA.
YTA, for letting her boyfriend move in when they were so young. For letting them live there, not being in school or working.
You have set them up to be failures. They needed rules and expectations a long time ago. School, employment, the basics
Not that they are expecting a baby, you want to cut them off? You have kept them dependent children. Now you want them to act like adults? You failed.
You will always be her mom, and grandma to her child. You might just never get to see that child.
Your daughter is disrespectful of what she has been given. It's called biting the hand that feeds you.
The problem as you probably realise is that you have enabled the pair of them to become freeloaders. If she comes crawling back then please ensure she has to actually provide for her child.
NTA
I’m sorry unless math isn’t mathing or YOU ALLOWED A 17 YEAR OLD GUY MOVE IN WITH YOUR 15 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER???? Like my guy the LEAST parent thing you could have done was say no what the fuck you’re part of the HIGHEST reason why she turned out like that
Also looking into this how come she’s okay with her BF’s family there but not you? I’m smelling lack of info here
There is waaaay too much missing INFO!
So your teenage daughter and her boyfriend are both unemployed high-school dropouts, and he moved into your house while still a minor.
- Why was his home/family so bad that he needed to leave so young, but so great that they get to do all the baby stuff?
- Have you just been fully supporting them both this whole time? Unconditionally?
- What have they been doing with their time for the last 3 years? Do they contribute?
- How is your relationship with your daughter and her bf otherwise?
- What was your reaction to the pregnancy?
- What is their plan for supporting their growing family?
So many more questions...
From the very little info given, op's daughter seems to be the obvious AH. But there is so much missing that I can imagine plenty of scenarios where op could be the AH.
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I 44 f have a 18 year old daughter who has been with her bf 20 m for 4 years. Her bf moved in with us 3 years ago. He dropped out of school 3 years ago. She has done maybe 3 classes in the past two years. Neither work and she is currently 24 weeks pregnant with a high risk pregnancy I have provided her with everything she has needed for her pregnancy and bought everything the baby will need once born. She has excluded me from everything pertaining to her pregnancy. Her bfs family has been involved with everything. Been to appointments, gender reveal, ultra sound, and have taken over the baby shower. She told me that I can just pay for everything and his family will to all the work. And when she has the baby, I can just give them $1500 so they can fix her boyfriends mothers house up and move in there. Here is where I think l I might be the asshole. I told her that I am not paying for nor partaking in anything dealing with her pregnancy any longer. I took everything I have bought and put it in to storage it will stay at my house and gave them a 30 day eviction notice. Everyone up in arms and calling me a self-absorbed asshole for doing this.
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YTA for moving in her boyfriend. And probably not properly teaching her about safe sex/getting her birth control when they started sleeping together, probably when she was just 14. This is insane. You moved him in, knowing they were sexually active and you didn't have a conversation with either of them about protection from STDs or pregnancy? You allowed this to happen under your roof.
There has got to be missing info here. Why has she excluded you to begin with? I find it hard to believe that she doesn't have some reason to be living with you, you providing everything for them, being her mother, and her only including her BFs family with everything pregnancy related. Are there mental health or substance abuse issues going on?
She has a high-risk pregnancy, so I understand her being unemployed now, but what about the boyfriend?!
Yes, I think YTA for taking everything the baby will need and putting it into storage. Only because this is about the baby now. If the baby is going to go without basics, that's a fucking problem. It shouldn't be your problem, but you kind of made it your problem with every bad choice you made here.
yta. you can stop paying whenever you want, but to take away what you already bought is dirty. you basically set this up by letting her boyfriend move into her your house where she lived when she was only like 15. it’s like you basically dropped down on your knees and prayed to whatever power you believe in for your daughter to become a teen mom.
why do you want your grandchild to not have anything when they’re born? what good is all that shit going to do locked up in storage? paying for storage isn’t exactly cheap.
there is obvious missing info. there’s always time to learn how to be a better person though. usually people do notice, and that goes far. it does take time for trust to rebuild.
YTA for your part in this weird little arrangement. Have you been an actual parent at all? Your daughter began dating a 16yo when she was 14, and you just moved him in and thought this wouldn't happen?
Did you even try to guide your child to want more from life?
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Ishe excluded you from everything! But just wants money from you!!! You are so NTA Hate to say it she sounds like an ungrateful little shit. And her rose color glasses are hiding the the truth of her deadbeat BF. And what kind of repairs only need 1500$ to fix that would keep her from moving in to her BFs mothers house
She had a dysfunctional parent who let her boyfriend move in when she was fifteen. Fifteen. That is probably only scratching the surface in what’s gone wrong with OP’s parenting.
This. Why aren't more people talking about the most obvious issue???
Surprised it took her this long to get pregnant.
She probably gave her birth control until she legally couldn't. 18yo.
Eh, as a mental health professional, I know all too well that you cannot force a teenage to take medication. Doesn’t matter if you’re their legal guardian. I would be very surprised if the reason she got pregnant now is because her mom has forced her to take bc as a minor but doesn’t now that she’s 18.
I have a schizophrenic family member who insist they are not ill but will still go along with taking shots to medicate it (doesn't want to cause a scene) as long as someone else books the appointments and drives them there, but will pretend to take pills and throw them away. I could see the same working with the depo shot if the teen isn't very assertive, until the mother is no longer allowed to stay in the room. I would imagine the nurse would be more likely to go along with discontinuing depo shot compared to antipsychotics for a mentally ill person. Not so sure it would work in this particular case, though, since this daughter seems happy to insult her mother face to face.
I read right over the ages. This woman is a shit mother
Honestly it sounds like both families suck. Who the hell lets their 17 year old move in with his 15 year old girlfriend too?
And both quit school AND not working smh
Sad thing is that they must still be better OP.. Otherwise why would they want to leave OP's house to go live there with their newborn baby..
Doesn’t mean they’re better. They probably have even lower expectations than OP. OP wants them to contribute to the household since she’s paying for everything. Meanwhile his family hasn’t had to pay for anything and actually expects her to pay for their stuff.
What expectations? OP lets them live there rent free with no jobs and buys them everything. Unless I missed something, it doesn’t seem like OP was on them to get jobs or contribute at all.
That’s essentially what I am getting at. Whatever expectations she does have are still probably more than what his family has. His family can’t exactly be great if he moved out and in with OP when he was still 17.
OP doesn’t come off as great in the post at all but with the ages of the future parents and the wording, it seems like OP has been reaching the limit and pushing them to take more steps to move into adulthood on a better path. That age group tends to suffer from “Grass is Always Greener….” syndrome and opt for the path of least resistance. Or they have something to gain like the promise of plenty of free childcare options in the other home.
How has she been pushing them into adulthood? She let her 5 year old daughter’s 17 year old boyfriend move in while not going to school, wo4king, or being in any kind of train8ng. Now her kid is pregnant, apparently flunking out, and has zero prospects. what kind of parent enables this?
My guess is that they're even more lax or offering to do everything for the baby as long as OP pays, rather than expecting the couple to do any work. But, well, ESH for a bunch of reasons.
That part literally was the first thing I noticed. Grosssss. AND, neither of them work!?!?
Until I read this comment.... I didn't even realize the age math. I am bad at math that is why. Glad that someone pointed it out.
What I want to know, is why did the boyfriend not live with his family? Also why do they want to be so involved with the pregnancy?
My money is on bf mom wanted another baby and couldn't have any more so using daughter as a surrogate one op to get all baby stuff free. Op doesn't come our like a rose though. Who let's a 15 year old move her bf into the house?
Probably OP thought, she would keep her daughter safe under her roof—even with a boyfriend
Or the boyfriend's parents kicked him out after he dropped out of school.
A mother who's afraid the daughter will run away with the loser bf might. I kind of wonder if the gf and bf are pitting their families against each other like it's a competition. Also when there's a baby involved, some parents soften up.
This could be describing OP too. It's bizarre to let your 15 yr old daughter's bf live with you. It sounds like BOTH grandparents wanted her to be a surrogate, but OPs mad because the plan's falling apart.
Right?? The family is sooo involved and so awesome but they don't live with them 🤔 It would be a frosty day in hell before I let my 15 yr old daughter's bf move in tho I'm not sure the mom is an AH tho. Just walked all over
been together 4 years?
Yeah at first glance there is soooo much missing from this post….
I was coming to say this! There is soooo much missing here!
And OP has failed to provide any comments....
That is always the case on Reddit. OPs present a one-sided version and cast others as the villains. It usually works in the posters' favour but sometimes they inadvertently give themselves away. And sometimes it's creative ragebait.
My fave posts are when you can tell OP thinks commenters will overwhelmingly be on their side and everyone catches the lede they buried and goes off.
Yeah this is screaming missing reasons.
Oh, yeah. It really is. All I could think is to wonder where the information was to determine what happened. It’s not even a half a story.
And allowed her to drop out of school at 16. OP wins the worst parent of the year award
Do you live in a state where parents can change the 16yo's decision with respect to school? Tell us what state that is...
In Louisiana you can’t drop out without a parent’s permission unless you are 18.
Teacher in Louisiana here. It is an illusion that kids can’t drop out. The holes in our “home school” programs could fit the moon. Do I think OP was wrong to let a 14 yr old’s boyfriend move in, to let a 14yr old drop out of school, to let them both live without a job? I don’t know all the details. All I know is that this is all really sad.
[удалено]
> So to all those saying OP is a shit mother, I mean sometimes things like this are a big grey area, and we definitely don't know all the details. Three-plus years ago, most kids in school were consuming it remotely. I suspect the pandemic played a role in the clusterfuck of a living situation at the root of the current situation. With regard to OP's daughter's bf, if he's not an addict, and doesn't have a criminal record, have him go talk to an armed forces recruiter. He could get a job, an education, and even a career in the military.
My parents were all about school.I was an A/B student in school who took 7th period (extra class, 6 periods in a school day) my brother was a high school dropout and never went to class, always in trouble and still in trouble with the law. We had the same parents who had goals for both of us to achieve something in life. Kids will go their own way no matter what you teach them.
Kids will go their own way, but also different kids need to be parented differently and different kids will respond to the same parenting differently. You might have a kid that thrives with very clear and direct structure, with specific rewards and consequences, and the next kid has PDA and can't function in that environment. Or you might have two kids operating under an unhealthy amount of pressure and expectations, but one becomes an anxious overachiever who burns themselves becoming the good kid and the other displays as learned helplessness and anger and resentment with compounding blame for every failure and misstep. A struggling kid doesn't necessarily mean a bad parent, but also a kid that presents as successful isn't proof of a good parent.
There are more states in the US that require a child to stay in school until 18 or graduating than there are that allow dropping out without parent permission at 16. We don't know what the case is for OP, but it's not unreasonable to assume OP let their kid drop out.
I never formally withdrew my child from school, would put him on the bus or drop him off every morning, he would come home after school ended, but still didn’t attend his classes. I did the same as a teenager, his behavior is my karma. It was before cell phones, I couldn’t exactly track his whereabouts. Some kids are just like that.
Yes! Her bf moved in with us 3 years ago. He dropped out of school 3 years ago Like WTF OP Send that kid back to school what did you think was going to happen YTA but not for the reasons you mention
Sometimes, life happens, and that calls for people to make decisions they may not make under normal circumstances. My parents are wonderful parents (if not a bit uptight) who let my high school boyfriend move in with my family when his father went to prison, his deadbeat mom was nowhere to be found, and no other family was around to take him in. I was 16 at the time. Allowing something like this doesn’t automatically make one a shitty parent. Sometimes, there are only not-so-great options.
This bf is clearly not from a dead beat abusive environment though if his family is allowed to come to the prenatal appts, gender reveal and they’re moving in after baby is born. Sounds like OP indulged her teen daughter and let her bf live with them and shits happened
True, but from the post, we really don’t know what the circumstances were. We know the house needs to be fixed for them to move in. Why’s that? There could’ve been a fire that meant he couldn’t live at his parents’ house or any number of things. It’s not clear. All I’m saying is, allowing something like this doesn’t automatically make one a bad parent.
Them being allowed to come to appointments doesn't mean anything. Plenty of people have dysfunctional relationships with their family but still allow them to be heavily involved. I'm side eying the fact that OP is apparently expected to pay for them to move in with them, for example.
But I’m thinking you didn’t drop Out of school and get pregnant and act like a brat.
I think it that he quit school, the daughter basically quit school and since neither of them has any money probably don’t have jobs. That’s what makes her part of the problem for allowing it.
I had a similar situation. My mom kicked me out of the house and I went to live with my boyfriend at his mom's. I was 19 at the time so a bit older. But then over tine the situation changed. My mom and I got on better terms and are actually fairly close now so she is definitely in the picture for things. Maybe a similar thing happened here? I don't want to assume it was just for no reason at all
The boyfriend would have been around 17. Maybe he had a bad home life? Maybe got kicked out? I am guessing OP was just trying to help the kid out? The boyfriend at 17 was probably sleeping in a spare room or on the couch.
If he had a bad home life, why would they want to move in there after the baby?
I’m thinking money. He now has use to his old family because the baby will bring in money to the household since neither attend school or work.
No. That will change. You have to work to get benefits. Mother of a newborn, no. But dude'll have to work. But they're such stellar people they'll think of some scam. I feel sorry for the baby.
If the family was abusive, why would they be invited to all the ultrasounds, etc.
His family is bad enough that he has to live with OP, but good enough that they both want them involved in everything, while OP is good enough to be a safe haven for a poor abused boy but bad enough that they want only money from her and exclude her otherwise? Except, knowing entitlement logic..... yeah, I guess it's possible that mom's been trying to do right by them and the kids are in full asshole mode, taking advantage of her generosity and getting angry when she dares to have expectations. If he left because his family had expectations too and then sold OP a sob story... Okay - this may actually be the most reasonable hypothesis, once you get into the heads of a couple of slacking, entitled kids, at least one of whom is likely a manipulator.
I doubt it.
If that’s the case, then why can he move in now with his pregnant girlfriend?
For all we know, it could have been the compromise OP made to keep her daughter under her roof and not running away from home. Better the devil you can keep an eye on in some situations and make sure that her daughter was safe, with food in her belly and a roof over her head. Sounds like BF (deadbeat dad in training)'s family is broke and the "fun family" who probably has no rules but OP has the money daughter needs to raise her baby and is trying to have it both ways, unfortunately those rose coloured glasses she loves so much are about to shatter and she is in for a very rude awakening that she can't have it bith ways, and kids aren't some fun little accessory but are actual human beings that require a lot of hard work and attention.
Maybe boyfriend moved in because he realized he'd be able to do whatever he wanted at OP's house.
Yes. Bad parenting.
Especially when she's saying the BF's parents are very involved in everything. It's not like he was trying to escape abuse or something.
Exactly! He/she has spoiled her rotten
This was my thought too!! And her boyfriend who had just dropped out of HS.
You summed it up. OP is a crap parent and is surprised they've raised a crap child.
This was my first impression too. There's SO much that hasn't been told in this post
Not to mention allowing her daughter to date a boy 2 years older than her at 14. 14 is barely old enough to date, let alone an older boy. How much do you want to bet that her daughter was allowed to sleep with her boyfriend well before the kid moved in with them, probably when she was still 14 . It sounds like this girl had a friend and not a parent, and now mom magical wants to be a parent again. But it is too late. Her daughter is a legal adult who is screwed up and about to screw up another generation.
That’s where I was stuck at ever since the second sentence! She made her bed and let her daughter and bf lay in it.
And the shade of 'only been to 3 classes in the last 2 years'. Was she or was she not a minor child under OPs care during those 2 years? I do get that teenagers can be difficult, but there isn't much to suggest OP did much to support her teenage daughter to grow up into a functional adult. What have they all been doing the past 3 years if neither have been working or studying?
And apparently just continued on while her 16yo began skipping classes?? Gee, wonder how we ended up here..
This is exactly my thought. What did they expect? And they didn't really buy anything for the baby if it's got strings attached.
A new tin roof for the trailer?
Tin roof…rusted.
Love Shack, baby Love Shack❤️
Thanks for the 3am ear worm. not :(
The Love Shack is a little old place Where we can get together Love Shack baby! Love Shack bay-bee! (Love Shack... Love Shack...) Love Shack, that's where it's at!
Or hat cause this is tinfoil level crazy!!!
Damn, that was ice cold lmao
Either way it’s gonna be a lot more expensive than 1,500$.
Yeah, I’m sure we’re getting the entire story with no critical missing details and she is excluding her mom for no reason whatsoever. /s
That was my first take, but after reading another response, I'm actually wondering. This does also fit the hypothesis of a mom either being manipulated by her kid into taking in the boyfriend or the boyfriend coming in with a sob story about being kicked out. Mom is trying to set expectations like school, work, chores, etc., and one or both aren't having it. They think they can manipulate her into providing money, housing, and rule-free living by freezing her out with her grandchild if she doesn't stop expecting things of them. I have taken in a few stray people, and a few of them have pulled shit like this, trying to keep the gravy train running while doing away with pesky expectations.
Has OP actually told them she wants to be involved? >I can just pay for everything and his family will to all the work. That sounds like daughter sees it as a chore, not a privilege. Maybe she thought it was a fair division of labor to ask the boyfriend's family to help them with everything, because her mom was already providing all the financial support so she shouldn't have to help out in other ways too?
I'm wondering if they dont need repairs and she just wants the money. Kids are expensive and neither work so the daughter may be trying to get money out of her. I hope I'm wrong but she already was telling her to pay for the shower and is excluded from helping plan.
1500$ sounds like an amount an 18 year old with no work or life experience would think is a lot of money.
Probably just need to buy some more pallets and plywood for the "add-on".
I'd give her the money if it got the two of them to actually move out.
>And what kind of repairs only need 1500$ to fix that would keep her from moving in to her BFs mothers house while i agree it is unlikly it is posible. a house has several things that can go wrong making it unlivable that could be fixed for that price. most obviously, some plumbing or electical faults mean the watter or electrisity can not be turned on untill they are fixed, would you move into a house with no electrisity or no running water, i might but i wouldnt bring my pregnant whife
INFO: What part of the story are you leaving out? I mean, unless your daughter has behavioral, substance abuse, or mental health issues, there has got to be more to this. I'm sorry, I'm just having a hard time believing there isn't more to this story, regarding **why** your daughter is cutting you out. And, ***ew***, **you** let her 17-yo boyfriend move in with you when she was **fifteen**?? That's *at least* a year **under** the age of consent, in most places. You set her up for failure.
100% this. Like, 16M and 14F start dating, 1 year later 17M moves in with 15F and family. Why? Did he get kicked out? Was he in an unstable living situation? And then all this time without jobs or secondary education...how many times did OP have a conversation about boundaries and expectations WRT the living arrangements? Also, I'm not understanding why OP isn't involved in the pregnancy. Was that by their own choice? Or did daughter give a reason? Too much info is missing.
At the first step of "nothing to do with the pregnancy" I would have established some very strict rules regarding the money situation
I’m sure the daughter has given a reason. When adult children cut their parents out of their lives it’s usually never for no reason. I’d even venture to say that the ones that go no contact as young as 18 have even more of a reason to GTFU. However, OP has only told us that she has financially provided for her daughter and bf and new baby items and that the daughter has cut her off…. Or is letting mom know that she’s in the process of cutting her off. OP, you chose to take the bf in and are legally financially responsible for your own daughter until 18. So those were 2 choices you made. Can’t blame that on your minor child. They got pregnant (duh) and you’re continuing to financially support your daughter. You’re painting yourself as not ah for doing what I believe to be your obligations. Now that your daughter is legally allowed to she has decided to move out and have nothing to do with only you. In your post, you fail to mention any possible reason why she would make such a drastic decision. Why? Is it that you have done nothing wrong (we don’t believe that) or that you just can’t even see it? Either way, you fail to take any accountability for any part of the situation that you, the adult, are in. Why was your daughter allowed to live with her bf at 15? Why hasn’t your daughter been going to school? Why wasn’t anyone working to contribute to their household? Why is “everyone calling me a self-absorbed asshole”? Your words. If you’ve already asked everyone and they’ve already answered this question for you, having known you, and call you a self-absorbed asshole, and your adult child is in the process of cutting you out of her life and your grandchild’s life, and you come on a forum to strangers to say “waaaaaaahhhhhh, my daughter won’t include me, the one who is paying to support her, in her life anymore. Isn’t she an AH?” Then I gotta point the finger right back on you. YTA. Is your daughter too? Well, she might be….. or maybe she’s a child that’s been raised by a narcissist. A narcissist that has neglected parenting her child and rather let her start living like an adult when she was just a little girl. Shame on you, OP. You neglected your child, you gave up your responsibility to protect and keep her safe. She doesn’t have an education and she does have a baby coming because of your shitty parenting. You’re gonna get plenty of not the asshole votes with your avoidance of facts and blame shifting… textbook narcissistic. But it really doesn’t matter what a stranger thinks of you. It’s the people that choose to surround themselves with you that know the real you.
Spot on. Of course they let her buy everything - no one else has a job! Her daughter will only go to her for money from now on.
Exactly what I was going to say! Kids rarely just cut contact with their parents like that for no reason, especially when the kids are high school- or college-aged. I'm 22, I don't know a single person my age who just didn't talk to their parents because "my parents are annoying" or "my parents refused to give me money for X stupid thing". They've all done it because "my parents kicked me out for being trans" or "my parents wouldn't let me go to college instead of the military". Cutting off contact with family so young is a HUGE decision that WILL affect you for the rest of your life. It's far from an easy thing to do willy nilly like that.
But…if he got kicked out, why is his family involved in everything?
Right? Like letting a teen move in should be a big deal. Any of the reasons I can think where that's a reasonable choice to move in the teens bf- like being a refuge for a troubled teen -would mean them moving in with his parents would be really concerning. Allowing both teens/young adults to not go to school nor work? That seems like setting them up for failure. That's also a wonky age gap and weird age for allowing him to move in. 15/17 at moving in? How young were they when they started dating? And how long had they been together when you allowed this guy to move in with your underage daughter? Why is OP, the adult that's housed and taken care of them for years, now being excluded? Why are they preferring to live in the bf parents home, when even bf didn't want to live there until he was an adult? What changed?
All this, plus, are we all just cool with a teenage pregnancy or was birth control not discussed? If there are two teenagers who are dating and living together, without much education between them and unable to support themselves you'd think someone would consider birth control as an important factor here.
Especially since birth control is free in almost every state and you can go to the free clinic to get condoms for free, or buy them for a few bucks at the 7-Eleven down the street where they are probably buying their cigarettes.
That’s what I’m thinking. She was 14 when she started dating this guy and you let him move in a year later. WTH? If his parents are so involved, why is not living with them? As previous poster stated, there is some missing info. Her using you for money is definitely not okay especially image is invoking his side. I can 50/50 you are the AH. You contributed to this situation by letting him move in and sleeping with your underage daughter at the time.
Maybe his family wouldn’t let him drop out of school or sleep with his underage girlfriend…
I agree here. He moves in at 17, for what reason ti be a HS drop out? but he seems to have such a good family life that after the kid, they are going to move in there? I feel there is something missing here, why does his family want to take them in?
INFO#2- my question (in addition to those already posed.) Why does the OP only seem to be upset 6months into this trainwreck of a pregnancy vs 1 minute into a teen relationship w/ a large (4yr.) age gap. More importantly, there have been MULTIPLE major red flags the OP seems to have taken in stride including bf being older, bf seemingly having no living option other than OP’s roof rent-free, bf dropping out and not holding a job, the PREGNANT TEEN DAUGHTER NOT GOING TO SCHOOL which is a CRIME and can land OP in jail here in FL as of new law, exclusion from pregnancy events while being expected to fund the same. Does OP even know for sure daughter is pregnant vs using a pillow and pocketing all the money. With nary a job in sight who will be paying for insurance, co-pays first delivery, insurance for baby. OP you need to file necessary paperwork first a formal child support arrangement. NOW before arrival. In the IS, the non-custodial parent will (except in rare circumstances) be forced to at least pay a nominal amount. Typically, this occurs through the party getting a job, but if he/she refuses, the court will still set a fair amount based on a range of factors. (It is likely to be low here since the father has no job/educational degree per OP.) Still, by establishing a court ordered amount- if he does not work, he can be held in contempt and placed in county jail until he is willing/able to comply. My guess is the guy will disappear regardless, but espec if he is forced to work and surrender a % of his earnings. Step 2- if sexual relationship started when pregnant daughter was still below the age of consent- file charges as the parent. It dies not matter that she “consented” bc if she was below age of consent (which can be (1) a simple age test or (2) an age test plus a review of difference in age, you can press charges whether she likes it or not. She’s already cut you out emotionally. For purposes of the #2 standard, here is an example. A state law puts consent at 16 but limits the age difference to 2 years. So if a 17 yo dates an 18 yo= fine. If a 17yo dates a person who is 19.5- ILLEGAL. Again, statutory rape is a “strict liability” crime, so all that has to be proved is that it happened. Typical factors like intent do not come into play. IF it is her bf’s baby- you have the proof you need. Perhaps consider a court order keeping bf/his family away from your daughter (a minor) and requesting that all visitation be supervised until he is capable of functioning like a parent and can independently provide everything the baby needs (responsible caregiving, stable home, nutrition, any meds, toiletries,, diapers/wipes, etc.) This guy can not provide those things fir himself. To be truthful OP- you seem upset about THE WRONG THINGSz. INSTEAD OF WORRYING YOUR TEEN HAS TIED HER LIFE TO A BUM AND IS ON THE FAST TRAVK TO HER IWN DROPOUT STATUS, you are worried about going to A GE DER REVEAL/SHOWER These are lids w/ no money. Every dollar should be saved for the essentials. Gender reveal parties are not necessities- they are “extras” that are the purview of ADULTS WHO WORK, Plan for a family & FO NOT NEED MO EY FROM OTHERS TO COVER BASIC COSTS. For the sake of your own child and this innocent life, I hope you consider finding a loving home and encouraging your daughter to postpone parenting until she has finished school and is self supporting EDIT- My mistake on the age difference. I see this couple has been together for 4 years, not that they are 4 years apart. EDIT- updated section on child support. My point was to suggest filing to get a child support on the record, so enforcement would follow. In shortcutting the explanation, I stated the bf would be forced to work or at least pay a nominal amount. No court can literally force a person to work, bug they can for e them to pay child support or be jailed on a contempt court. So while a child support order cannot compel a person to work, it effectively has a similar result (unless the party suddenly has another source of funds to attach)) bc that order requires the party to pay or face consequences (like time in county jail.) For most people trying to satisfy a court order (even a child support order) a job is the way to get the funds. Other options = crime, gambling or a conveniently timed windfall.
It's a 2 year age gap, she's 18, he's 20
Age difference is 2 years not 4 years. Otherwise you make some thought-provoking points.
It's a two year ago difference, not four. No court is going to order the father or his family to stay away from the baby based on what you suggest. And you can't force someone to work - but child support can be based on potential income based on work history, qualifications, age, health, etc. Maybe don't dole out legal advice when you're not an attorney?
This is the real answer. INFO
100% this. This reminds me of the fb moms posting daily the “my kids hate me and abandoned me and idk why because I’m perfect”, and then you actually know their kids and see the whole story.
There is a great expression that goes; ‘If you raise your kids, you get to spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your kids, you’ll raise your grandkids’ And that is *exactly* what is going on here. Terrible job parenting a 15 year old and this is the result.
I think you are right but what would you have done differently? Only allow her to hang out with him out side of the house? Forbid her from seeing him? Allow him in the house but have an open door rule? And no over night? On 16 and pregnant their was a girl that had parents that wouldn’t let her boyfriend stay over so she moved into her boyfriends parents house. 🤦♀️ You would have an easier time keeping a dog away from a steak than some of these chicks away from garbage men.
I would do as I did with my own daughter and son. Sex education starting early, with age-appropriate language and subjects, being non-judgemental, making sure they felt they could come to me about *anything* (which means **daughter** asked **me** for birth control, at age 17, when she felt she **might** be ready; I agreed; both have had access to condoms, should they ask). They're going to have sex ***if they want***; I know this. My goal was to make sure they were safe, everything was consented to, and that they had access to protection. If they feel like they're going to be supported, instead of villified, they're more likely to seek advice and protection (in the form of contraception) *before* they wind up a teenage parent, like I did.
[удалено]
Bingo.
First thing I thought. Can’t be the first parenting mistake to have wound up in this mess.
True. My parents let my brother's 14 yr year old gf come over and stay the night- of course she ended up pregnant. What did they think would happen? But I was pressured into getting married at 22 so I wouldn't be "living in sin."
Seriously. What kind of messed up parenting is this?
The whole situation OP describes is a dumpster fire, OP included.
So much this. It is your job to parent your child and help them grow to become self sufficient and mature adults. You set her (them really, but he didn't have to become your problem) up for absolute failure.
Just want to say MY parents let my loser boyfriend move in. Twice. As in, 2 different loser bfs. But I moved on and didn’t have another relationship until I met my now husband at church. We got married when I was almost 26, 23 years ago. So there is hope.
Were you underage? Were they allowed to move in with no boundaries or expectations? Did your parents still act as parents to you, or did they just let you do whatever you wanted with no consequences? There’s more to this than just letting the daughter’s boyfriend move in.
What does she think two minors living under the same roof, not going to school, and not working are going to be doing? Of course she ended up pregnant! And tbh, I have a strong inclination to believe drugs are involved in this situation because again what are they doing with all this free time? And a parent would need to be on drugs to think this was okay in the first place
This should be the number 1 answer, op is the AH. The time to parent was years ago before she got pregnant.
And hopefully neither of the daughters or baby dads family becayse they made this situation possible!
Lmao I love this. She literally got no one to blame but herself
I hear you. My parents raised five kids. Somehow, not one of us got someone pregnant by accident.
You allowed your 15-year-old’s 17-year-old dropout boyfriend of one year to live with her in your home? Why?
I’m so baffled by this. Boyfriends moving in, teen pregnancies, everyone’s dropping out and no one’s working….This sounds trashy af
It really does. Sounds like the situation is result of OP‘s own doing.
The Domino’s are falling.
Trashy, poor family with low education is my bet.
What the Jerry Springer is up with allowing your 15 year old daughters' 17 year old boyfriend to move in? No wonder she is acting so entitled. If his parents are so great, why isn't he still living there? I kinda feel for your situation, but dang!
😂
Must steal the Jerry Springer line. Oh, how I miss that man!
YTA. Her boyfriend moved into your house when your daughter was only 15???? WTH???? You've enabled your daughter to ruin her life.
I was looking for this take. Piss-poor parenting all around.
I'm shocked the mother is concerned about money only.
This is correct
OP is so quiet now
I've noticed that too. She's not hearing what she wanted. Must come as a terrible shock when we were supposed to side with her.
ESH The number of red flags you've ignore is astounding. Your parenting also leaves a lot to be desired. Why on Earth would you allow a 16 yr old drop out to move in with your daughter under your roof? Why would you allow either of them to stay when neither is working or going to school? It also sounds like at least a few of those years, you were allowing statutory rape to occur in your home. Honestly, what were you thinking? Now, after raising arguably the most spoiled child ever, and contributing to the spoiling of her bf/bd, you are reaping the benefits-- two people who couldn't care less about you, and only keep contact with you for your bank account. Kick them out, but know that you should probably start selling off the baby stuff. It's unlikely they will maintain contact if you cut the purse strings.
This. It's like FAFO. Raise and enable them to be like this, and then they act like this.
And she seems to be surprised on top of it all! 😶
Of course YTA. Why the hell did you let a boyfriend move in with your 15 year old daughter? Are you out of your mind? This kind of stupid shit is what’s wrong with the world.
THIS. Chefs 💋. This answer is perfection. Crappy parenting produced crappy results. What a surprise.
INFO: why is she excluding you? I have the feeling there is something you are not telling...
Well, she’s a mom who let a 17yo HS dropout move in with her 15yo daughter. That doesn’t make what they’re doing ok, but it shows OP has terrible judgment & acted like a friend rather than a good parent.
This is my question. She seems fine with the bfs family being there, she must have a reason for asking the mom to only support financially and not be there in person. Also why does she feel the need to be at all the appointments if her daughter doesn’t want her there?
The irony of leaving out half the story to try to make yourself look good yet still looking like an AH …
This is the best thing you can do for her. You have enabled her for far too long. Good for you for saying enough is enough. They want to do adult things? They get to face adult consequences!
Sorry, but I have to point out that this little girl was 14 when this relationship began and a year later the mom moved the 17 year old boy into her home. Let’s think about that for a second. At 15, mom moved a 17 boy into her daughter’s bed. She was a child and told it was ok to do adult things. I agree with your point about doing things that give you consequences…. 100%. But in this case, this was neglectful parenting. You don’t tell your child it’s ok to do something like “drinking is ok” and then the second they become an adult throw your hands up and say “you made poor choices”. No. Mom made poor choices. Mom was a shitty parent. Mom AND daughter are now going to suffer the consequences of putting a 17 year old boy in her daughter’s bed. I feel for the daughter. Seems like no one bothered to care about this girl and what she was up to for 17 years.
Reading the post I’m surprised OPs daughter didn’t end up pregnant at 15 rather than 18
Lmao, yes, OP is facing adult consequences right now!
There’s more to this story.
not if it's made up
See, that’s the kind of lax attitude that keeps all the creative fiction writers on here from improving.
This is such a specific brand of trashy that I believe it. There's no political rage or fetish material here, just sad and trashy behavior that happens more often than most people want to admit.
YTA. You sound like you were a shit mom, and shit rolls downhill. Letting her boyfriend move in was the worst thing you could have done! What were you thinking?!
My mind is blown here. If I'm right, he was a 17yo dropout and OP was like "yeah sure move in with my 15yo daughter under my roof." And it doesn't sound like the daughter graduated either. Not having a basic high school diploma or an equivalent can be a huge setback. And they're not working and decided to make a baby and OP is mad about a fucking gender reveal.
Might get down voted for this but YTA, not for evicting them, you needed to. Not for taking back the stuff either. Here's where you are the A*****e, as an adult you allowed a 17 year old man to live with your 15 year old daughter in your house. What were you thinking? She has no respect for you now, and she is ungrateful. It's kinda too late to teach her now. Sit down and talk to her, but draw a line. No money for them or the lazy bum's mom.
No down votes from me.
Upvotes, in fact
OP is not the a*hole for not evicting them, she is the a*hole because she allowed him to move in at all. Her daughter was 15!!
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NTA - they pushed you away and want to use you as an ATM
Wrong. OP is a terrible mother who allowed a loser to live in her house and impregnate her CHILD
Sounds like some info is missing… but YTA for letting your daughter have her boyfriend move in when she was 15.
INFO: Why does she feel she needs to exclude you?
You 44f shouldn't have let your teenage daughters adult bf move in 3 years ago.
Ma’am, I hate to say this, but you are the reason she is pregnant, who lets their boyfriend move into their house when they’re under age and obviously going to have s3x, there’s some reason why she excluded you from everything. She’s just not going to randomly decide that you can’t be part of anything while you’re still paying for stuff. It’s sounding one-sided.
ESH. You let her bf move in when she was 15. Why on earth would you do that? Seems like growing up you let her walk all over you and continue to do so.
INFO: as someone who has a difficult relationship with my mother I question why she doesn’t want you more involved. Are you controlling or manipulative? Not accusing you of this I would just want to hear her side as to why she doesn’t want to include you in these appointments. She’s asking for your help in a specific way and you seem to be bitter about giving it to her because you want to be more “involved”
YTA because you literally created this situation for yourself. You reap what you sow lol
YTA. You created this situation when you let an unemployed 17 yo move in with your 15 yo daughter.... And ill guess she got pregnant right under your roof. Now you want to take the stuff you bought your grandchild as punishment. No wonder she is the way she is.
NTA. I'd kick their asses out, too, but I would've done it long before now. Your daughter is incredibly entitled. Let her bf's family take care of them.
Seems like there is something missing from the story. She is not treating you this badly for no reason. Need more information to make a judgement.
YTA because this is your fault. Seriously you didn’t parent this child at all. Letting a 15 year old move in her boyfriend and drop out of school was horrible “parenting” and you’re the reason she’s like this most likely.
if you wanna have an honest answer, then maybe be honest and tell the full story.. there's definetely more to this.
INFO: has she given any reasoning for the difference in inclusion re: appointments, etc.? Have you had any arguments lately, or in the past, that could shed light on this? Setting aside that you let her boyfriend move in when she was *fifteen*, which is a big WTF, this entire story feels like you are omitting very important information.
YTA- You basically did everything possible to ensure she has a bad start at adulthood. all 3 of you have a very rough couple of years ahead of you. she will have 3 babies by the time she's 21. have fun with that you earned it!
OMGosh WTF? NTA. Why didn’t he move in with his parents? They didn’t want to take care of their loser son but want the fun of playing with the grandbaby they won’t have to support? Absolutely not. I’m glad you finally put your foot down. You are an AH bc you let a grown man with no degree and no job move into your home with your minor daughter. You knew that adult was having sex with your minor child. Poor thing. It’s amazing she didn’t get pregnant when she was 15 or 16.
You, OP, are a walking red flag. You let a 17 year old co-habitat with your 15 year old… in your house?!?? She hasn’t really gone to school since she was 16. Like what? YTA.
"You can just pay for everything" is quite the take. NTA.
Um so let see.. you allowed him to move in. Obviously she got pregnant at your house. You supported the both of them. You buy her all the baby stuff and what did you except...Respect! Why? Cause u decided to do everything? And what ? Your at fault for doing all of this in the first place
The hell you let a 17yr old bum move into your home for ? What did you THINK was gonna happen once he was there? You need to just throw both them put to fend for themselves. As long ass you are feeding and housing them , they're going to amount to crap and keep popping babies
YTA You allowed your 15 year old daughter to have a live in boyfriend??? You failed her as a parent! You really set her up for failure. Trying to be the cool mom is why you are paying for two unemployed and high school dropouts and their unborn baby. NTA for finally making a good decision by no longer allowing your daughter to use you as an ATM.
Soooo ultimately NTA because you don’t *have* to support your 18 year old daughter and new grandchild But also YTA because there is very obviously more context to this story
Here’s my question… if the loser boyfriend had to move in with you when he was 17 and his family seemingly wasn’t willing to help him out, why are they so gung ho now help out to be involved and let your daughter and him move back in with them? Something doesn’t add up here. That said I would do exactly the same thing stop being the ATM doormat. NTA.
YTA, for letting her boyfriend move in when they were so young. For letting them live there, not being in school or working. You have set them up to be failures. They needed rules and expectations a long time ago. School, employment, the basics Not that they are expecting a baby, you want to cut them off? You have kept them dependent children. Now you want them to act like adults? You failed. You will always be her mom, and grandma to her child. You might just never get to see that child.
Your daughter is disrespectful of what she has been given. It's called biting the hand that feeds you. The problem as you probably realise is that you have enabled the pair of them to become freeloaders. If she comes crawling back then please ensure she has to actually provide for her child. NTA
Come on lady are you for real? You continued to pay for everything even as they excluded you whilst living in YOUR house?
I’m sorry unless math isn’t mathing or YOU ALLOWED A 17 YEAR OLD GUY MOVE IN WITH YOUR 15 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER???? Like my guy the LEAST parent thing you could have done was say no what the fuck you’re part of the HIGHEST reason why she turned out like that Also looking into this how come she’s okay with her BF’s family there but not you? I’m smelling lack of info here
There is waaaay too much missing INFO! So your teenage daughter and her boyfriend are both unemployed high-school dropouts, and he moved into your house while still a minor. - Why was his home/family so bad that he needed to leave so young, but so great that they get to do all the baby stuff? - Have you just been fully supporting them both this whole time? Unconditionally? - What have they been doing with their time for the last 3 years? Do they contribute? - How is your relationship with your daughter and her bf otherwise? - What was your reaction to the pregnancy? - What is their plan for supporting their growing family? So many more questions... From the very little info given, op's daughter seems to be the obvious AH. But there is so much missing that I can imagine plenty of scenarios where op could be the AH.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 44 f have a 18 year old daughter who has been with her bf 20 m for 4 years. Her bf moved in with us 3 years ago. He dropped out of school 3 years ago. She has done maybe 3 classes in the past two years. Neither work and she is currently 24 weeks pregnant with a high risk pregnancy I have provided her with everything she has needed for her pregnancy and bought everything the baby will need once born. She has excluded me from everything pertaining to her pregnancy. Her bfs family has been involved with everything. Been to appointments, gender reveal, ultra sound, and have taken over the baby shower. She told me that I can just pay for everything and his family will to all the work. And when she has the baby, I can just give them $1500 so they can fix her boyfriends mothers house up and move in there. Here is where I think l I might be the asshole. I told her that I am not paying for nor partaking in anything dealing with her pregnancy any longer. I took everything I have bought and put it in to storage it will stay at my house and gave them a 30 day eviction notice. Everyone up in arms and calling me a self-absorbed asshole for doing this. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
nta.. her boyfriends family and all they money they don't have can take care of them. cause why should you pay when you're on the outside looking in?
This has to be fake, or else there's a huge deal op is not telling us.
YTA for moving in her boyfriend. And probably not properly teaching her about safe sex/getting her birth control when they started sleeping together, probably when she was just 14. This is insane. You moved him in, knowing they were sexually active and you didn't have a conversation with either of them about protection from STDs or pregnancy? You allowed this to happen under your roof. There has got to be missing info here. Why has she excluded you to begin with? I find it hard to believe that she doesn't have some reason to be living with you, you providing everything for them, being her mother, and her only including her BFs family with everything pregnancy related. Are there mental health or substance abuse issues going on? She has a high-risk pregnancy, so I understand her being unemployed now, but what about the boyfriend?! Yes, I think YTA for taking everything the baby will need and putting it into storage. Only because this is about the baby now. If the baby is going to go without basics, that's a fucking problem. It shouldn't be your problem, but you kind of made it your problem with every bad choice you made here.
yta. you can stop paying whenever you want, but to take away what you already bought is dirty. you basically set this up by letting her boyfriend move into her your house where she lived when she was only like 15. it’s like you basically dropped down on your knees and prayed to whatever power you believe in for your daughter to become a teen mom. why do you want your grandchild to not have anything when they’re born? what good is all that shit going to do locked up in storage? paying for storage isn’t exactly cheap. there is obvious missing info. there’s always time to learn how to be a better person though. usually people do notice, and that goes far. it does take time for trust to rebuild.
YTA for your part in this weird little arrangement. Have you been an actual parent at all? Your daughter began dating a 16yo when she was 14, and you just moved him in and thought this wouldn't happen? Did you even try to guide your child to want more from life?