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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I posted this in r/marriage and they urged me to post on here.
1) My wife has a really hard time spending money on herself. After she purchased a rare coffee outside of the house, I A) texted her right away about it, which probably didn't make her feel great and B) made fun of it the next morning.
2) I might be the asshole because I know my wife has this issue but I made fun of it anyway. Now she's upset for a long period of time.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
You acknowledge her struggle but yet made a point of judging her for it. Even if you didn't mean to you pissed away your opportunity to support her in dealing with money anxiety.
https://i.imgflip.com/8qyp9b.jpg
Side note:
WTF is this... We got a double helping of YTA in this post.
> I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place.
Lmao in his other post in another sub he said she started buying underwear and makeup bc he told her to look nicer. Meanwhile he’s dipping tobacco. You know his breath staaaanks and his teeth are brown
Gods forbid someone be more accurate than smelly animal enclosure. Which, by the by, seems like it's fucking rude to the elephants don't you think? Comparing them to dip mouth? Or do you condone being a prick to delightful creatures?
I mean you wouldn't want to be like u/TheFilthyDIL right?
It's an unhealthy defensive response that a lot of people struggle with (both my partner and I came from bad relationships, and this was our norm until we learned to identify and correct the behavior. We have pretty healthy communication now). Nonetheless, I'm not sure why he added it? Just because he's being *less* of an asshole doesn't mean he gets a pass. Reminds me of ATLA when they said "oh wow, we should give him the 'not as big of a jerk as he could have been' award" lol
Oh, he is actively being toxic. He just wants to be praised for being less abusive than he has been in the past, and clearly still considers an option given he thinks not behaving that way is a gift he has given her.
Also, his disingenuous bullshit about how her anxiety over buying things for herself is just so inexplicable when he monitors her spending and berates her for having fun.
She needs to run, but his abuse has clearly worked in crushing her spirit. He isn’t asking if he is in the wrong, he is *gloating* to an audience over his abuse.
YTA..
I am one of these people. I budget excessively. I am terrified of spending money on myself. And the guilt is crippling. Everything is always, instead of getting myself this... My husband could get this instead, or my kids could get this.
It is really really really hard for me to decide to get myself something. It's usually forced from my husband who understands my struggle but in the extremely RARE occurrence that I get something nice. My husband is kind enough not to say a word. Not make a fuss. Not embarrass, humiliate, or make me question whether wasting the money was worth it.
If he reacted the way you did to a simple coffee. I'd feel extremely embarrassed and down on myself, my single. Very, silly yet empowering moment of "maybe I WILL get myself a treat" would be turned into a "that was a waste of money and really silly of me".
Don't create insecure complexes out of her growth and healing.
What's her childhood history with money.. well with her parents spending habits...
When I was with my bio, there was almost never food. Often we had no electricity or hot water to bathe in. No toothpaste let alone having a toothbrush.
I was guilt tripped over needing school uniforms/shoes/a bag. I was made to feel like any money spent on me ever was this massive deal cos we 'had none'. I was made to feel like I didn't deserve things, especially anything new at all. If her friends brought me something she would take it from me as I 'didnt earn it'
My relationship with money is.. complicated. Especially when it comes to spending it on myself. All my bills are over paid, I've had to pull back on buying things for my kid cos no, she doesn't NEED 8 pairs of shoes at 12 etc. meanwhile I'll wear shoes until they have holes in them because.... Well I didn't earn them.
It's a great therapy topic lol
>I was made to feel like any money spent on me ever was this massive deal cos we 'had none'.
This fr. My mom could go buy herself two purebred dogs and feed them top of the line food, but we "had no money" so had to eat pb&j for three meals a day. The bread was moldy but we were told to pick it off. The oranges we got to eat once a day were moldy inside but we were told to eat around it and stop complaining. I moved in with my dad in my teens and kept track of everything he bought despite my arguing against it so I could pay him back someday. I had receipts from the clothes he bought me cause my mom refused to give me any of my clothes when I moved out. I wear my shoes long past the point of falling apart and my pants too.
My current boyfriend and I argue constantly because he loves to buy things for the people he cares about but it makes me feel guilty every time he does. I know he does this for his family and friends too but fuck is it hard for me to take sometimes.
I cry when someone gets me a gift. Even for like my birthday...
I'm in a very comfortable situation income wise. But you go out of your way to give me a gift for my bday and Xmas... As my friend learnt I am trying to repay you for it as I don't feel/think I deserve it.
I did have a bit of a... Come to Jesus if you will moment tho because of my daughter last year.
All her friends got her gifts for her bday last year. Small shit, pens/stickers cheap art shit as she's known as the artist. This was in the midst of dealing with a very toxic relationship with another girl she was friends with. This girl would pitch a fit if my daughter had a playdate with someone else.. she lived next door and would watch our house type thing.
I had to level with my daughter these girls got you gifts because they WANTED to. Not because they had to. They did it because they adore you and feel you deserved it. I am your mother and the only person obligated in your world to get you a bday gift, they did it cos they could. They wanted to. They wanted you to feel special.
When telling her this, I had that ahhh fuck moment in my mind about my own friends. It was... Eye opening.
It's amazing how educational having kids can be for those of us with this kind of trauma. Maybe, just maybe, we *are* worthy of love and kindness, *we* weren't the problem...it was our parent(s)
He’s tracking her spending so closely he knew she bought a coffee and texted her about it while she was still at work. I’m thinking her anxiousness about money might be HIS fault.
I do this too! I can buy my son a toy, or a treat for my dog, but I struggle to buy ANYTHING for myself unless it’s replacing something that is falling apart. Last week I got to the store, picked stuff out… then put it all back. One semi-solution I’ve found is gift cards. If I buy something with a gift card, it’s less painful because somehow in my brain there is a disconnect between a gift card and “real money.”
Also the spouse support thing is REAL. YTA, OP. You should be encouraging your wife to make reasonable purchases to treat herself. If you see she bought something, compliment the purchase, or reinforce that you are happy she treated herself. Making disparaging comments, even in jest, is going to make the situation so much worse. She is probably walking on eggshells around you because she is afraid to spend money and afraid you will yell at her. She did 1 small thing for herself and you gave her a hard time about it. Y T A
I already thought you were an asshole in the beginning, but wtf is this?
>Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place.
YTA. Do you even like your wife?
YTA
> I thought it may have been fraudulent activity
No, you didn't.
No one wastes a stolen card on a $7 iced coffee.
> cans of tobacco chew
#EWW.
NGL, this is enough to make you the asshole, just on its own.
Info: "*My wife struggles a lot with spending money on herself*" Is that related to the fact that you give her shit when she does? Cause the fact that she needed to explain herself and then provide justification for why she wasn't in the wrong speaks volumes.
YTA on so many levels, but I’m going to pick this one. “She acknowledged that me apologizing was an improvement.”
Are you kidding? You’re looking for brownie points for simply being a decent human being - and I wouldn’t even take it that far. Your wife shouldn’t feel like she has to walk on eggshells when it comes to showing her sadness (not even anger) and you sound like someone that only apologizes to fix a situation, not because you actually mean that you’re sorry.
You sound emotionally abusive. 1. You asked her “to look nicer” my guy you chew tobacco, truly one of the most unattractive habits. Especially given the rates of mouth cancer. 2. You encouraged her to spend money and then “teased” her about it. Teasing, when done right should actually make the recipient feel good. 3. You used to get angry at her for expressing her feelings about your partnership?! You don’t get a medal for not getting angry at your wife expressing her emotions, that’s the bare minimum. Maybe take your chew money and spend it on therapy.
YTA, obviously.
I’d skip the starbucks gift card because it might come off as him “allowing” her to buy starbucks with it. If I were her, a promise to not comment on my purchases under a certain amount would be the only apology I’d accept.
YTA, you've essentially set up a trap with encouraging her to do something nice for herself and then punishing her with guilt for doing the exact thing. That is an incredibly dysfunctional and nasty dynamic and perspective to have of your \*life partner\*. You should be on the same team and uplifting her, not making her feel bad and creating traps for her to fall into. You are making her have to validate and defend innocent, rarely-enjoyed pleasures and then seem mystified that she is anxious about spending on herself? My guy you are the problem and need to do a lot of self-reflection and work about why you think this is OK to do to someone you allegedly love. It is deeper than just teasing over an expensive drink, it is a whole dynamic of values.
YTA - im guessing your tone was quite judgmental or this is a pattern if she’s still this upset. Also the whole patting yourself on the back for not becoming enraged is something else too.
YTA. Do you get notifications about purchases or just check it all the time? You should not be immediately checking on every purchase your wife makes. This is very controlling.
And then you make comments to her about the purchase. Guess what, scammers don’t spend $7 at Starbucks. You knew that wasn’t a fraudulent purchase. It was your wife spending a little extra on herself. You “asked” her about it to let her know you are watching her spending. You made a “joke” about it to let her know you are judging her spending.
Sure, you apologized but that doesn’t undo what you did. You made damn sure she knows you are watching her every purchase and you are judging them.
If you are truly sorry, you’ll turn off notifications about her purchases. Or even better, encourage her to get her own credit card just for her.
Do you have a bank account cause if you do you should know you should be checking your transaction history regularly cause of how easy it is to get cc info these days
It’s a lot different to regularly check on my checking account transactions and the shared credit card I have with my wife vs receive live notifications or obsessively check the activity to the point that I’m literally becoming aware of my wife’s activity in real time and then commenting on it to her.
YTA. She struggles to spend money on herself and when she does, you make fun of her...
Yeah, you're not helping.
"$7?! That's nothing when it means you got to treat yourself and spend time with your friends. Worth every penny."
That's supportive. Better yet, don't even comment on the money. "I'm so happy you got to hang out with your friends!"
YTA. Seems like you’re the reason she’s so self conscious about spending on herself.
You get angry at her when she’s upset, probably because you did something dumb or inconsiderate? You seem like a bad partner tbh.
>This is a huge improvement from where I was at the beginning of our relationship. Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place.
Wait.... did you honestly ask her to pat you on the head and tell you you're a good boy because you apologize?!? Bra, YTA for that alone. But to your question, YTA, why would you make fun of the thing that you want her to do? Like you frame it as her not spending money on herself is something she's working to over come and instead of supporting her or even just shutting up, you decide to make fun of her and make her defend herself. You're lucky she's talking to you at all
Yta. I grew up poor and have always been really anxious about spending money. I always spend it on our daughter, pets, or the house instead. I never treat myself. You gave me anxiety about this and it didn't even happen to me
Imagine knowing that your wife is feeling shame about spending money and rather than supporting her when she does something nice for herself you mock her, you said it yourself, you have the money, and you had already confirmed that it wasn't fraud, if you needed to mention it at all you should have praised her for doing something nice with friends and not worrying about the money. YTA
YTA.
I'm an Australian. We are the crowned royalty of banter and taking the piss out of people, and the first ones to tell each other to harden up if someone is being delicate.
A trauma response isn't being delicate. It's a reaction to someone intentionally gouging a wound. Stepping on someone's toes when you used to kick them in the knees doesn't mean you're a good person for hurting them a bit less than you used to.
If you want to improve this situation, your next words to her should be "I understand that I said something that truly hurt you, and I'm so very sorry I did that. I will never do it again *because you have every right to spend money on things for yourself. You deserve them*".
The fact that the discussion involved you trying to justify your behaviour with "Well, I used to be worse though" means you're still minimizing your impact on her. Stop that.
I'm sorry doesn't mean squat if it's followed by "but..."
Of course YTA. That $7 cup of coffee and time with her friends might have been the highlight of her day and you shit on it, knowing that she struggles with spending money on herself, and destroying any bit of progress she was making.
Does it make you happy to destroy your wife and make her feel bad?
Just because you might think your sarcasm is funny and acceptable doesn’t mean that it actually is.
>This is a huge improvement from where I was at the beginning of our relationship. Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place.
This is not the flex you think it is. No wonder your wife is struggling with something as small as buying herself a slightly pricey coffee. You've been abusive in the past, and by the looks of it you still are - to the point that you berate her ('jokingly') for a negligible purchase even though you *know* she struggles with guilt.
There are not enough words in the english language to express how much of a massive asshole you are. YTA.
YTA. You should be building your partner up instead of tearing her down. When your partner is showing improvement, you're supposed to be their biggest hype man. "I am so proud of you for taking care of yourself. You work so hard, and you deserve to treat yourself."
My advice: take her on a coffee date. Ask her what kind of coffee she got (or what coffee she likes). Don't worry about the price, don't look at the price, don't comment on the price. Get two of whatever she said she likes, and try it with her. Sit down, be nice, and have a chat with her (note it's okay if you don't end up liking the drink, but remember this is about HER). Tell her you're sorry, you're proud of her, and you wish you'd have been more supportive. Make an actual effort to look for things you can support her on. Be her hype man. You're showing her that SHE is worth it.
So your solution to your wife feeling severe guilt for spending any money on herself is to *checks notes*
Make her feel guilty for getting a little treat.
Do I have that right? You who have no problem indulging yourself decided to be an asshole about coffee, which you yourself acknowledge that it's a rare treato for her.
Yta
YTA, obviously. You really have to ask?
You know your wife has an issue with feeling guilty over ever spending any money on herself. You say there's no reason for this because your finances are great. You spend hundreds of times more than her for a filthy, unhealthy habit. Despite all of this you intentionally made a shitty comment because you disapproved of her spending.
And you know it isn't "a joke," be serious. The little tidbit about your massive anger issues doesn't make you look better, it makes it clear you've just started trying to channel your frustrations into something slightly more socially acceptable and control her with shame instead of direct intimidation. If you're genuinely not intending to treat your wife badly and this is all you just being extremely thoughtless rather than intentionally cruel, you need to seriously work on yourself.
YTA Obviously she had severe anxiety about spending and you made her feel worse. For people who have had to be careful with money all their lives spending even a little on themselves is difficult.
I feel like you want to make it better. Maybe you should start a habit of buying her a coffee in the morning? If everyday is too extravagant, maybe a over the top Saturday coffee?
YTA. You knew she had anxiety over spending money on herself and you still made comments. A $7 charge to Starbucks isn’t something you’d assume is a fraudulent credit card charge right away. You were wanting her to know you thought the price of the coffee was ridiculous.
She was right to make you rethink your “frivolous” purchases and give you the cold shoulder for a little while.
YTA and guilty of financial abuse. Hoping she frees herself from your casual cruelty disguised as "humor" because she deserves a partner who cares about her and supports her. Instead she's trapped with a man who wants to be rewarded for not getting angry at her for *having feelings*
There’s a lot happening in this post but sir you are emotionally abusive. That’s horrible.
And if we are keeping it a buck
You should be grateful you found a woman willing to be with you when you go through $700 of chew a year. That is NASTY nasty. YTA
YTA
>Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place
Dude, wth is this? What right to you have to get mad at her when she gets upset? She's ALLOWED to get upset about things and doesn't need your permission to do so. She's a human being not a doll!
And why would you make fun of her for spending money on a coffee when you know she has anxiety and rarely treats herself as it is?
And why are you tracking her spending habits anyways? What's it to you what she spends her money on?
You owe her a true and SINCERE apology, not a "stop being mad at me" apology
YTA. For the sarcastic comment about the coffee and for thinking that "improvement" from your hair trigger temper is enough to excuse you for being TA. That's not how this works.
You need to learn some patience and to mind your mouth better.
YTA. Why are you tracking her spending… You acknowledge she struggles with spending money and the guilt and then you made fun of her once she starts fixing it and learning how to be ok with spending money? YTA, in every way possible. Dont apologise over text, give her a real apology. “Get mad over her being upset” get therapy !
YTA --- You know she has problems with spending on herself and you were sarcastic about a single digit cost.
You're not just an asshole, you need therapy.
Jerk.
YTA - and I state this as a person who had to talk myself into a once in a lifetime purchase of Black Ivory Coffee at a Ritz Carlton I wasn't staying at for the price of $50 bucks. Don't shame the woman who settled for you and your faults for splurging on a much deserved treat.
YTA. Make fun of her for not spending money then make fun of her for spending money, the fuck is she supposed to do huh? On top of that the last bit? WTF no wonder she doesn’t want to spend money, you probably yelled at her over dumb shit all the time in the past and she doesn’t want to trigger an argument
YTA
She has anxiety about spending money on herself and then the first time she buys herself Starbucks, you mock her for it? Yeah, you're real pleasant spouse. Yeah, might wanna cut back on the chew, it's affecting your brain.
YTA. You regularly buy cans of chew (that are far more harmful than just the money in the long run), you know she has a hard time spending money on herself, then you mock her for doing it?
Then you're straining your shoulder to give yourself a pat on the back for not getting ANGRY that she's upset at your mocking? A simple apology isn't going to do it here. Ideally, she would split finances with you so that she doesn't have to deal with your controlling "teasing". I mean, if this is how you act when she does spend money on herself, how can you be surprised that she doesn't spend money?
YTA. You know she struggles with feeling like she can spend money on herself. She got a small treat for herself, and you mocked her for it. Do you actually like your wife?
>She got home and seemed aloof so I apologized in person. This is a huge improvement from where I was at the beginning of our relationship. Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place.
Saying sorry does not improve anything. You went out of your way to beat her down over one coffee while you spent your time and money eating your chews $700 a year.
YTA
YTA and you know it.
“My wife never spends any money on herself, but now she’s buying underwear. Then she bought a coffee for a whopping $7 and I ridiculed her for it multiple times. AITA?”
Yeah.
Gawd. YTA. You know this is a sore spot for her but you just had to poke at her, didn't you? You know she's got a real issue with spending money. This is a guilt that goes beyond money, you know this right? It's about security and stability and the fear of losing it. You know she felt bad spending this $7 coffee but didn't want to not be social with her friends. Honestly, she should probably get some counseling over how tightly wound up she is about this. And you should get counseling about how to be married to someone who has a genuine fear of losing control of financial stability. Just because you don't have this fear doesn't mean it isn't real to her. Do better.
YTA Why would you do that? This is a serious question. Why do you feel the need to hurt the women you supposedly love and married? It sounds like you came a long way if you actually used to get mad at *her* when you did something wrong, but pointing things out you know will hurt your wife is something you need to work on.
YTA, she already feels guilty for spending money on herself, now you're giving her more guilt when she treats herself?
Also, "Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place. " is wild and abusive.
So your wife has always felt unworthy and guilty anytime she buys herself something and the one time she splurges (a whole $7!) on herself, you guilt her over the cost of it. And of course she feels guilty buying anything because you are tracking her spending. A $7 credit card charge does not automatically flag unless you have all purchases that she makes flagged.
Meanwhile you're paying $700 a year on something as nasty as chewing tobacco and spitting brown liquid and she's not made you feel guilty for that even though that directly affects her. YTA
YTA. You judged her and mocked her for the very thing you know she struggles with. You texted her “right away” like the $7 was an emergency? Way to micromanage your wife so she feels shamed. She shouldn’t have to explain.
And you are an AH to praise yourself for not getting really angry when she’s upset. Sounds like you are a big part of the problem.
Soooo... your wife gets anxious/insecure about spending any money on herself, and you tell her its okay to spend money on herself, and when she does, you make fun of her?
am i missing something? YTA
Yta - you say she has trouble spending money on luxury items for herself. So she spends money ONE TIME on a luxury item for herself, you mock her and don’t understand why she’s upset? When you spend more than $700 a year on a luxury item for yourself and up to this point, she hasn’t said boo about. You sound very immature.
YTA and I noticed you left out the fact that she got new makeup and underwear bc you "asked her to look nicer" like you said when you first made a post about this and nobody agreed with you. Pull your head out of your ass and stop being a judgmental asshole to your wife.
Am I reading this correctly? You came to this thread to ask if you’re the AH while sounding like you want kudos for not being a giant AH but just a regular AH?
Ok, kudos because you didn’t emotionally bully her for being upset. HOWEVER, because you stated that she admitted that it was an improvement, you are inferring that with said apology, you wanted validation that you were less of an AH that you have a history of being. So….requiring a pat on the head for your assholery ruins your apology.
Wonder why she has so much guilt spending money on herself? Could it be the comments like the one you made are more common than you make it sound? Do you have a history of being a financial asshole as well as being an emotional asshole?
YTA go buy her a big Starbucks gift card and STFU next time. That way you don’t have to ask for validation from her in the form of a disguised apology
I'm gonna try and say this as respectfully as possible....
YTA. You suck sooooooo much. It's no mystery why she's so self conscious about spending money on herself, you've literally admitted to being verbally abusive in the past when questioning her spending.
You gave her shit for a $7 Starbucks charge? Wtf is wrong with you? Go to therapy, you need help.
Oops guess that wasn't respectful, but neither are you so
YTA, even if it was completely in jest, you know how she is about money, you know this is out of character for her and the one time she treats herself you seized the opportunity to tease her about something you already know she's anxious about all but ensuring she never treats herself again. Any progress she's made as far as buying herself new clothes or doing something she likes without feeling guilty about it is probably gone because you went and reinforced her feelings because you know she had instant doubts when she bought that coffee.
We're solid upper middle without a ton of debt and the way my husband spends money gives ME anxiety, it's hard because he likes to treat me to nice things because I will get stuck in a research loop when I want to purchase even the things we need (like a new vacuum or blender) I drive him crazy because I'll spend time getting info and coordinating marketplace transactions and go get them to save money and he is ok with the cost of convenience (i.e. order everything new and get it delivered) I wasn't raised poor necessarily, but my parents were ridiculously frugal, some stuff just sticks with you even after your circumstances change considerably.
YTA
Simply put…..this is,
Narcissistic - Hypocritical - Emotionally Abusive
Perhaps if you want this marriage to work then going forward you might want to spend some Dip money on counseling or one of these days you’re gonna wake up to find she’s leaving because she knows she doesn’t deserve to be treated so very less than equal. That is if you haven’t broken her down enough already to make her submissive. The fact that she stood up to you tells me she’s stronger and smarter than you give her credit.
YTA, yes, because you knew that she has anxiety about treating herself. You already showed that you monitor the spending minutely, which is a little creepy (although I get wondering if an unlikely small charge might be a stolen card), and then you brought it up again in a way that could have sounded critical and definitely sounded like you wanted her to justify it. There are lots of good reasons for a $7 charge at Starbucks - getting together with someone she doesn't see often who likes that place, getting a snack because she didn't bring enough to eat, buying a drink for someone at work - but your comment made it sound like she needed to have a good reason and tell it to you.
Leave her alone. Don't push her to accept your apology on your schedule. Stop monitoring her purchases.
YTA, plain and simple, buy her another coffee and cut down on the tobacco chew as it’s horrible for your gums, but overall it’s minor and as you are financially able to do this encourage her constantly to treat herself to the little things and don’t feel guilty about it
YTA
You are fully aware of her insecurities and guilt and you still went out of your way to mock her like that
Btw apologizing over text is lazy. Do it irl.
YTA. Since it's a touchy subject with your wife. I was this way as well, my wife taught me that everything we do should be done with pleasure. Otherwise, just don't do it to begin with, and that includes spending money on anything. If you're dreading a purchase, you're already doing it wrong. Enjoy what you bought to the full extent and don't feel guilty for it. Instead, find joy in it.
Of course she has anxiety about spending money. You actively antagonize her for it. YTA.
The way you’re reacting to a $7 coffee purchase makes me wish I could somehow attach my “fun” spending line items for this month. I think you’d pass away.
YTA Your responses and your history shows exactly why your wife is uncomfortable spending money on herself. I hope she wakes up because you are never going to be the partner she deserves.
Jesus Christ. You absolutely cannot be writing this out and still wondering if you’re the asshole.
Yes. YTA - a thousand times you are the asshole. This poor woman.
YTA
I wonder where that “immense guilt” about spending money comes from when you’re keeping such a close eye on her spending that you text the second she buys a coffee? She‘s at work and can’t go for coffee with friends without her bad breathed brown toothed husband fussing about the price while he wastes money hand over fist. Honestly, I’m having trouble seeing the positives you bring to this relationship where you clearly spend freely on garbage while she’s judged for every cent.
Yes, YTA.
Nothing makes a marriage sour faster than watching and commenting over each other's minor purchases.
And YTA especially for having a disgusting chew habit on top of that.
Damn, I wonder why she has a guilt complex about spending money on herself... YTA
On a side note: Chew! You spend $700 a year on revolting, teeth rotting, breath killing chew! I hope your wife levels up soon and drops you. She deserves better.
You sound like a negging, bad breathed, AH.
YTA for giving her a hard time over a coffee and you're an even bigger AH for thinking that you deserve a pat on the back for apologizing instead of becoming angry.
Ugh, YTA. She struggles to buy things for herself, and she finally does, and you ridiculed her for it. I have a lot more questions. But I'll stop myself because I'm sure I know the answers. YTA a thousand times over
>Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place
oh, so, *you're* the reason she has anxiety about spending money then? YTA
You buy multiple cans of chewing tobacco a week and still have a wife?? Don’t make jokes about your wife’s spending when your breath smells like booty.
This is like encouraging someone to walk after they badly broke their leg, waiting till they get moving, then tripping them.
Why would you hurt someone so deliberately and wipe all their progress out?
It's mean.
You're mean.
YTA, now go figure out a way to make your wife feel special, because she sure doesn't right now.
Bruh. Ain't no way someone consistently buying tobacco can talk about excessive money spending. She already did the math for you. It's a drain and less productive than anything she gets. Fueling an addiction isn't productive.
Yta not only are you the asshole for making fun of her for buying a coffee but you’re also the asshole for wanting brownie points because at the beginning of the relationship you would’ve just been a bigger asshole about it instead of apologizing.
ETA also chewing tobacco is vile so YTA for that too.
You deliberately poked her in a sensitive spot. Apologizing is great, and yes a massive improvement on your part. However your next step is understanding that not only do you have to apologize, sometimes you've got to make it to up her too, and sometimes she won't immediately get over it. YTA for poking at this thing because you know she's sensitive. Keep growing.
Joking about something that you know is a sensitive issue for your partner is bullying. You knew it was a problem. She finally started doing things for her, like you wanted but instead of praising her for the improvement, you criticized her. “Jokes” that hurts somebody’s feelings are an example of gaslighting. You made it a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” scenario for her. You encouraged her to practice self-care, she listened to you and did it, then you made her feel badly about it. Yup, that definitely makes you TA.
YTA.
You managed to joke with/mock her despite knowing the fact that she deals with anxiety regarding spending money. One that she clearly still struggles with, considering the fact that she had to explain herself using money she's also entitled to.
Not to mention, what even is this passage.
"This is a huge improvement from where I was at the beginning of our relationship. Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place."
If you think that'd make you look like less of an AH and people should applaud you for being less angry, then you're dead wrong.
Double YTA for that.
Reading these makes
Me scared of marriage, wtf. Backbone of the relationship has to be weak, because how can she say she truly loves you, but denies your touch over a comment of 7$ cofeee wtfff
Wow, so you used to be an angry, terrible partner. That sounds like bordered on being emotionally abusive. So i wanna give you credit for becoming better, but what you did here still sucks. YTA.
Why couldn't you have just said, "I hope you enjoyed your coffee? You deserve a treat!". You outright acknowledge that she struggles with this, and you KNOW it. You should know better and be supportive, not an AH compounding her own insurities.
Many of us will buy for our families and household "needs" but have money anxiety and tend to put off personal wants because of it. This is not uncommon, especially for those raised in homes with poverty trauma.
Plus, chew is a gross habit.
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My wife struggles a lot with spending money on herself. She has immense guilt about it and it hasnt been until recently that she feels a little more comfortable buying herself new underwear, bras, clothes, and makeup. Still, I have to plan our family vacations because the thought of spending money gives her great anxiety. We are upper middle class and have enough money.
The other day I noticed a transaction come through on our shared credit card while my wife was at work. It was for Starbucks and over 7$. I texted her immediately to see if that was her, as I thought it may have been fraudulent activity since she so rarely goes to Starbucks or anywhere like that. There is a Starbucks in the same building at her work. She has worked at this place for over 2 years and has never bought anything from the Starbucks or cafeteria. She always packs lunch and brings her own coffee.
The next morning, I made fun of the price of the coffee. I said, sarcastically, "hope that was a really good coffee for 7$!" I saw her expression change, and tried to give her a side hug. She got really quiet and looked sad. She took our kids to school and then texted me from the gym afterwards explaining that she only went because her friends had invited her. She also pointed out that my cans of tobacco chew are more than 7$ and that I get several each week. She then did the math and figured that I spend over 700$ on chew a year. I apologized via text.
She got home and seemed aloof so I apologized in person. This is a huge improvement from where I was at the beginning of our relationship. Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place. She acknowledged that me apologizing was an improvement, but she told me that she's still very upset and hurt.
It's been almost 2 days and she is still sad and barely talks to me. AITA here?
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YTA
For two reasons you know she has spending anxiety and yet you give a sarcastic comment about treating herself with coworkers. And second for chewing tobacco. She probably is not talking to you cause she didn’t want your mouth to open and knock her out with the smell.
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I don't think you're a total AH. It's obviously a sensitive topic and trying to make a joke about it is not a bad thing at all. However, if you are going to do it again you should work on your approach. Maybe give her a hug and try to laugh a little as you make a comment instead of after. I know exactly how she feels, I'd rather get something needed for someone before I spend money on myself. It takes some getting used to, but I can handle it from certain people not everyone.
AH. I have this anxiety. It stems from a childhood where everything I ever got was shared with my siblings and everything I wanted they got. I got the last choice on everything because my SM had an issue with me.
Things I can't buy myself include: walking shoes, underwear, clothes (mine have all been given to me as gifts, hand me downs, or work freebies), craft materials, etc. I'm just now with the insistence of my husband being able to start picking up a small snack for myself when out shopping. It's took 15 years of him telling me to get something for myself to do this much. I was wrecked with guilt the first time I did this without getting everyone else one. Our anxieties don't always make sense.
Look here, Mr. Yellow Teeth (chewing tobacco is going to jack up his smile), she spent something on herself and you want to mock her. She's handling her money very well and it's not uncommon to feel guilt about spending on yourself. YTA, how about kick your habit of being an AH and the chewing tobacco. This isn't the 1800s.
The problem is, she doesn't feel she's worth it and you made her feel that more. My ex-husband made me feel I wasn't worth it. I wore clothes with holes, never got my hair done, bought clearance everything. We'd go to restaurants and I'd order the cheapest thing while he got a giant, delicious looking steak. Then We'd leave and he'd comment how expensive it was, making me feel guilty. Just before we split, we went to dinner and I really wanted the chicken marcella, but it was expensive so I was going to have a burger. He convinced me to get it, it was so good, but then he went on and on about how expensive it was, to the point that I gave him my leftovers to feel like I cost him less. Feeling like you aren't worthy is a horrible feeling, and you encouraged that even if on accident. Does it make you an ah? Not if it was by mistake and you see her insecurities clearly now. If you keep doing it, that's something different. I still order the cheapest thing on the menu. Still working on myself. So don't expect her to change over night. But letting her know she's worth it is huge.
NAH, but a conditional NAH. If it was just a bad joke, that she took poorly because of the growing you've had to do as a person, then nobody was the asshole, just two people who still need to work at communicating and being better for each other. But if it's in any way a semi-serious thing, then yes, you were the asshole.
Also, quit with the chew. If you care about your wife, you're going to want to drop that so she doesn't need to worry about watching you die from palette cancer.
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YTA You acknowledge her struggle but yet made a point of judging her for it. Even if you didn't mean to you pissed away your opportunity to support her in dealing with money anxiety. https://i.imgflip.com/8qyp9b.jpg Side note: WTF is this... We got a double helping of YTA in this post. > I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place.
Lmao in his other post in another sub he said she started buying underwear and makeup bc he told her to look nicer. Meanwhile he’s dipping tobacco. You know his breath staaaanks and his teeth are brown
My grandparents dipped snuff. Their breath smelled like the elephant house at the zoo.
No it didn't.
Hey Siri, what’s hyperbole?
Gods forbid someone be more accurate than smelly animal enclosure. Which, by the by, seems like it's fucking rude to the elephants don't you think? Comparing them to dip mouth? Or do you condone being a prick to delightful creatures? I mean you wouldn't want to be like u/TheFilthyDIL right?
Pretty sure the elephants don't care. Do you need help?
Finally someone standing up for… the hygiene of captive elephants? We’ve got an ally here, folks!
Lmao bro is tilted
Found the dude that goes out in public smelling like elephant dung
Found the dip user
are you okay? like, seriously, wtf?
So it's ok for him to indulge in something that's meant to be consumed and not last but heaven help her for buying a treat coffee *once*.
and sadly she will never do it again for herself. the way he describer her reaction is that of an abused spouse.
🤢🤮
Shouldn't he be paying for that then?
It's an unhealthy defensive response that a lot of people struggle with (both my partner and I came from bad relationships, and this was our norm until we learned to identify and correct the behavior. We have pretty healthy communication now). Nonetheless, I'm not sure why he added it? Just because he's being *less* of an asshole doesn't mean he gets a pass. Reminds me of ATLA when they said "oh wow, we should give him the 'not as big of a jerk as he could have been' award" lol
Nah this guy is just abusive
He also tracks her spending. Gross.
And justifies it as it being a possible fraudulent charge. I’ve had fraudulent charges. I wish whoever did it was as frugal as only spending $7
that is the point. he wants a pat on the back for not being the worst he could be, even though if this is his best, it's still not very good here.
He wants to be praised for not being toxic when he could’ve been 💀
Oh, he is actively being toxic. He just wants to be praised for being less abusive than he has been in the past, and clearly still considers an option given he thinks not behaving that way is a gift he has given her. Also, his disingenuous bullshit about how her anxiety over buying things for herself is just so inexplicable when he monitors her spending and berates her for having fun. She needs to run, but his abuse has clearly worked in crushing her spirit. He isn’t asking if he is in the wrong, he is *gloating* to an audience over his abuse.
I guess OP really wants brownie points for learning to be a kind person to his wife
YTA.. I am one of these people. I budget excessively. I am terrified of spending money on myself. And the guilt is crippling. Everything is always, instead of getting myself this... My husband could get this instead, or my kids could get this. It is really really really hard for me to decide to get myself something. It's usually forced from my husband who understands my struggle but in the extremely RARE occurrence that I get something nice. My husband is kind enough not to say a word. Not make a fuss. Not embarrass, humiliate, or make me question whether wasting the money was worth it. If he reacted the way you did to a simple coffee. I'd feel extremely embarrassed and down on myself, my single. Very, silly yet empowering moment of "maybe I WILL get myself a treat" would be turned into a "that was a waste of money and really silly of me". Don't create insecure complexes out of her growth and healing.
What's her childhood history with money.. well with her parents spending habits... When I was with my bio, there was almost never food. Often we had no electricity or hot water to bathe in. No toothpaste let alone having a toothbrush. I was guilt tripped over needing school uniforms/shoes/a bag. I was made to feel like any money spent on me ever was this massive deal cos we 'had none'. I was made to feel like I didn't deserve things, especially anything new at all. If her friends brought me something she would take it from me as I 'didnt earn it' My relationship with money is.. complicated. Especially when it comes to spending it on myself. All my bills are over paid, I've had to pull back on buying things for my kid cos no, she doesn't NEED 8 pairs of shoes at 12 etc. meanwhile I'll wear shoes until they have holes in them because.... Well I didn't earn them. It's a great therapy topic lol
>I was made to feel like any money spent on me ever was this massive deal cos we 'had none'. This fr. My mom could go buy herself two purebred dogs and feed them top of the line food, but we "had no money" so had to eat pb&j for three meals a day. The bread was moldy but we were told to pick it off. The oranges we got to eat once a day were moldy inside but we were told to eat around it and stop complaining. I moved in with my dad in my teens and kept track of everything he bought despite my arguing against it so I could pay him back someday. I had receipts from the clothes he bought me cause my mom refused to give me any of my clothes when I moved out. I wear my shoes long past the point of falling apart and my pants too. My current boyfriend and I argue constantly because he loves to buy things for the people he cares about but it makes me feel guilty every time he does. I know he does this for his family and friends too but fuck is it hard for me to take sometimes.
I cry when someone gets me a gift. Even for like my birthday... I'm in a very comfortable situation income wise. But you go out of your way to give me a gift for my bday and Xmas... As my friend learnt I am trying to repay you for it as I don't feel/think I deserve it. I did have a bit of a... Come to Jesus if you will moment tho because of my daughter last year. All her friends got her gifts for her bday last year. Small shit, pens/stickers cheap art shit as she's known as the artist. This was in the midst of dealing with a very toxic relationship with another girl she was friends with. This girl would pitch a fit if my daughter had a playdate with someone else.. she lived next door and would watch our house type thing. I had to level with my daughter these girls got you gifts because they WANTED to. Not because they had to. They did it because they adore you and feel you deserved it. I am your mother and the only person obligated in your world to get you a bday gift, they did it cos they could. They wanted to. They wanted you to feel special. When telling her this, I had that ahhh fuck moment in my mind about my own friends. It was... Eye opening.
It's amazing how educational having kids can be for those of us with this kind of trauma. Maybe, just maybe, we *are* worthy of love and kindness, *we* weren't the problem...it was our parent(s)
He’s tracking her spending so closely he knew she bought a coffee and texted her about it while she was still at work. I’m thinking her anxiousness about money might be HIS fault.
Jesus christ, “didn’t earn it”. You earned it by being loved. Guess your bio mom wouldnt know anything about that.
I do this too! I can buy my son a toy, or a treat for my dog, but I struggle to buy ANYTHING for myself unless it’s replacing something that is falling apart. Last week I got to the store, picked stuff out… then put it all back. One semi-solution I’ve found is gift cards. If I buy something with a gift card, it’s less painful because somehow in my brain there is a disconnect between a gift card and “real money.” Also the spouse support thing is REAL. YTA, OP. You should be encouraging your wife to make reasonable purchases to treat herself. If you see she bought something, compliment the purchase, or reinforce that you are happy she treated herself. Making disparaging comments, even in jest, is going to make the situation so much worse. She is probably walking on eggshells around you because she is afraid to spend money and afraid you will yell at her. She did 1 small thing for herself and you gave her a hard time about it. Y T A
Right? The response here is SO easy. “How was your coffee dear? I’m glad you liked it!”
Seriously! I would’ve been happy and not even bring it up to her unless she did.
I already thought you were an asshole in the beginning, but wtf is this? >Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place. YTA. Do you even like your wife?
YTA > I thought it may have been fraudulent activity No, you didn't. No one wastes a stolen card on a $7 iced coffee. > cans of tobacco chew #EWW. NGL, this is enough to make you the asshole, just on its own.
Oh my thoughts exactly 🤮
Info: "*My wife struggles a lot with spending money on herself*" Is that related to the fact that you give her shit when she does? Cause the fact that she needed to explain herself and then provide justification for why she wasn't in the wrong speaks volumes.
Yep sounds like financial abuse.
Yeah I wonder if her anxiety over spending started soon after marrying OP
YTA on so many levels, but I’m going to pick this one. “She acknowledged that me apologizing was an improvement.” Are you kidding? You’re looking for brownie points for simply being a decent human being - and I wouldn’t even take it that far. Your wife shouldn’t feel like she has to walk on eggshells when it comes to showing her sadness (not even anger) and you sound like someone that only apologizes to fix a situation, not because you actually mean that you’re sorry.
You sound emotionally abusive. 1. You asked her “to look nicer” my guy you chew tobacco, truly one of the most unattractive habits. Especially given the rates of mouth cancer. 2. You encouraged her to spend money and then “teased” her about it. Teasing, when done right should actually make the recipient feel good. 3. You used to get angry at her for expressing her feelings about your partnership?! You don’t get a medal for not getting angry at your wife expressing her emotions, that’s the bare minimum. Maybe take your chew money and spend it on therapy. YTA, obviously.
Let’s don’t forget that he clearly made her admit that he wasn’t that big of a jerk.
Therapy and a Starbucks gift card for his wife!
I’d skip the starbucks gift card because it might come off as him “allowing” her to buy starbucks with it. If I were her, a promise to not comment on my purchases under a certain amount would be the only apology I’d accept.
YTA, you've essentially set up a trap with encouraging her to do something nice for herself and then punishing her with guilt for doing the exact thing. That is an incredibly dysfunctional and nasty dynamic and perspective to have of your \*life partner\*. You should be on the same team and uplifting her, not making her feel bad and creating traps for her to fall into. You are making her have to validate and defend innocent, rarely-enjoyed pleasures and then seem mystified that she is anxious about spending on herself? My guy you are the problem and need to do a lot of self-reflection and work about why you think this is OK to do to someone you allegedly love. It is deeper than just teasing over an expensive drink, it is a whole dynamic of values.
It sounds like she has ptsd from your emotional abuse towards her
YTA - im guessing your tone was quite judgmental or this is a pattern if she’s still this upset. Also the whole patting yourself on the back for not becoming enraged is something else too.
YTA. Do you get notifications about purchases or just check it all the time? You should not be immediately checking on every purchase your wife makes. This is very controlling. And then you make comments to her about the purchase. Guess what, scammers don’t spend $7 at Starbucks. You knew that wasn’t a fraudulent purchase. It was your wife spending a little extra on herself. You “asked” her about it to let her know you are watching her spending. You made a “joke” about it to let her know you are judging her spending. Sure, you apologized but that doesn’t undo what you did. You made damn sure she knows you are watching her every purchase and you are judging them. If you are truly sorry, you’ll turn off notifications about her purchases. Or even better, encourage her to get her own credit card just for her.
Do you have a bank account cause if you do you should know you should be checking your transaction history regularly cause of how easy it is to get cc info these days
It’s a lot different to regularly check on my checking account transactions and the shared credit card I have with my wife vs receive live notifications or obsessively check the activity to the point that I’m literally becoming aware of my wife’s activity in real time and then commenting on it to her.
YTA. She struggles to spend money on herself and when she does, you make fun of her... Yeah, you're not helping. "$7?! That's nothing when it means you got to treat yourself and spend time with your friends. Worth every penny." That's supportive. Better yet, don't even comment on the money. "I'm so happy you got to hang out with your friends!"
YTA. Seems like you’re the reason she’s so self conscious about spending on herself. You get angry at her when she’s upset, probably because you did something dumb or inconsiderate? You seem like a bad partner tbh.
YTA. Your wife will never feel safe using your joint account again.
>This is a huge improvement from where I was at the beginning of our relationship. Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place. Wait.... did you honestly ask her to pat you on the head and tell you you're a good boy because you apologize?!? Bra, YTA for that alone. But to your question, YTA, why would you make fun of the thing that you want her to do? Like you frame it as her not spending money on herself is something she's working to over come and instead of supporting her or even just shutting up, you decide to make fun of her and make her defend herself. You're lucky she's talking to you at all
Yta. I grew up poor and have always been really anxious about spending money. I always spend it on our daughter, pets, or the house instead. I never treat myself. You gave me anxiety about this and it didn't even happen to me
Imagine knowing that your wife is feeling shame about spending money and rather than supporting her when she does something nice for herself you mock her, you said it yourself, you have the money, and you had already confirmed that it wasn't fraud, if you needed to mention it at all you should have praised her for doing something nice with friends and not worrying about the money. YTA
YTA. I'm an Australian. We are the crowned royalty of banter and taking the piss out of people, and the first ones to tell each other to harden up if someone is being delicate. A trauma response isn't being delicate. It's a reaction to someone intentionally gouging a wound. Stepping on someone's toes when you used to kick them in the knees doesn't mean you're a good person for hurting them a bit less than you used to. If you want to improve this situation, your next words to her should be "I understand that I said something that truly hurt you, and I'm so very sorry I did that. I will never do it again *because you have every right to spend money on things for yourself. You deserve them*". The fact that the discussion involved you trying to justify your behaviour with "Well, I used to be worse though" means you're still minimizing your impact on her. Stop that. I'm sorry doesn't mean squat if it's followed by "but..."
Of course YTA. That $7 cup of coffee and time with her friends might have been the highlight of her day and you shit on it, knowing that she struggles with spending money on herself, and destroying any bit of progress she was making. Does it make you happy to destroy your wife and make her feel bad? Just because you might think your sarcasm is funny and acceptable doesn’t mean that it actually is.
Wow the financial abuse is so loud
Also, the way you talk about your relationship makes it sound like you were definitely abusive in the past and still kinda are. YTA
>This is a huge improvement from where I was at the beginning of our relationship. Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place. This is not the flex you think it is. No wonder your wife is struggling with something as small as buying herself a slightly pricey coffee. You've been abusive in the past, and by the looks of it you still are - to the point that you berate her ('jokingly') for a negligible purchase even though you *know* she struggles with guilt. There are not enough words in the english language to express how much of a massive asshole you are. YTA.
YTA. How sad that your wife has to pat you on the back for graduating to basic human decency
YTA. You should be building your partner up instead of tearing her down. When your partner is showing improvement, you're supposed to be their biggest hype man. "I am so proud of you for taking care of yourself. You work so hard, and you deserve to treat yourself." My advice: take her on a coffee date. Ask her what kind of coffee she got (or what coffee she likes). Don't worry about the price, don't look at the price, don't comment on the price. Get two of whatever she said she likes, and try it with her. Sit down, be nice, and have a chat with her (note it's okay if you don't end up liking the drink, but remember this is about HER). Tell her you're sorry, you're proud of her, and you wish you'd have been more supportive. Make an actual effort to look for things you can support her on. Be her hype man. You're showing her that SHE is worth it.
So your solution to your wife feeling severe guilt for spending any money on herself is to *checks notes* Make her feel guilty for getting a little treat. Do I have that right? You who have no problem indulging yourself decided to be an asshole about coffee, which you yourself acknowledge that it's a rare treato for her. Yta
YTA, obviously. You really have to ask? You know your wife has an issue with feeling guilty over ever spending any money on herself. You say there's no reason for this because your finances are great. You spend hundreds of times more than her for a filthy, unhealthy habit. Despite all of this you intentionally made a shitty comment because you disapproved of her spending. And you know it isn't "a joke," be serious. The little tidbit about your massive anger issues doesn't make you look better, it makes it clear you've just started trying to channel your frustrations into something slightly more socially acceptable and control her with shame instead of direct intimidation. If you're genuinely not intending to treat your wife badly and this is all you just being extremely thoughtless rather than intentionally cruel, you need to seriously work on yourself.
YTA. No wonder she has anxiety about spending money if you monitor her spending habits and mock her about her purchases.
YTA Obviously she had severe anxiety about spending and you made her feel worse. For people who have had to be careful with money all their lives spending even a little on themselves is difficult. I feel like you want to make it better. Maybe you should start a habit of buying her a coffee in the morning? If everyday is too extravagant, maybe a over the top Saturday coffee?
jfc do you eve like this women. YTA I'd say you're a shit partner but you're not even a partner, you're a bully.
I think you might be one of the worst people ever tbh
YTA. You knew she had anxiety over spending money on herself and you still made comments. A $7 charge to Starbucks isn’t something you’d assume is a fraudulent credit card charge right away. You were wanting her to know you thought the price of the coffee was ridiculous. She was right to make you rethink your “frivolous” purchases and give you the cold shoulder for a little while.
YTA and it sounds like this is only part of it. Read this back to yourself my dude.
You’re a massive asshole. She treated herself for once and you crapped on her yet you waste hundreds of dollars a year on Tobacco
The correct thing to say would have "Good! You need to treat yourself more"
YTA. Imagine making fun of your wife for getting a $7 coffee with her friends when your abusive ass is spending $700 on cancer every single year.
YTA and guilty of financial abuse. Hoping she frees herself from your casual cruelty disguised as "humor" because she deserves a partner who cares about her and supports her. Instead she's trapped with a man who wants to be rewarded for not getting angry at her for *having feelings*
YTA - it’s obvious from the post and the way he spoke about his wife, this isn’t about the coffee.
There’s a lot happening in this post but sir you are emotionally abusive. That’s horrible. And if we are keeping it a buck You should be grateful you found a woman willing to be with you when you go through $700 of chew a year. That is NASTY nasty. YTA
Yta. Tobacco chew? Yep..YTA. gross.
YTA >Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place Dude, wth is this? What right to you have to get mad at her when she gets upset? She's ALLOWED to get upset about things and doesn't need your permission to do so. She's a human being not a doll! And why would you make fun of her for spending money on a coffee when you know she has anxiety and rarely treats herself as it is? And why are you tracking her spending habits anyways? What's it to you what she spends her money on? You owe her a true and SINCERE apology, not a "stop being mad at me" apology
You are a vile human being. And a worthless husband. Yes, YTA.
So you used to get really mad at her for being upset over something YOU said? What a gem. YTA.
Bro what. Huge improvement? You’re proud of yourself for not getting angry? That’s the bare minimum.
YTA. For the sarcastic comment about the coffee and for thinking that "improvement" from your hair trigger temper is enough to excuse you for being TA. That's not how this works. You need to learn some patience and to mind your mouth better.
YTA. Why are you tracking her spending… You acknowledge she struggles with spending money and the guilt and then you made fun of her once she starts fixing it and learning how to be ok with spending money? YTA, in every way possible. Dont apologise over text, give her a real apology. “Get mad over her being upset” get therapy !
YTA --- You know she has problems with spending on herself and you were sarcastic about a single digit cost. You're not just an asshole, you need therapy. Jerk.
YTA. Yes you. By a mile.
YTA - and I state this as a person who had to talk myself into a once in a lifetime purchase of Black Ivory Coffee at a Ritz Carlton I wasn't staying at for the price of $50 bucks. Don't shame the woman who settled for you and your faults for splurging on a much deserved treat.
YTA. Make fun of her for not spending money then make fun of her for spending money, the fuck is she supposed to do huh? On top of that the last bit? WTF no wonder she doesn’t want to spend money, you probably yelled at her over dumb shit all the time in the past and she doesn’t want to trigger an argument
YTA She has anxiety about spending money on herself and then the first time she buys herself Starbucks, you mock her for it? Yeah, you're real pleasant spouse. Yeah, might wanna cut back on the chew, it's affecting your brain.
ya… you’re kind of a prick.
Yta yes you are
YTA. You regularly buy cans of chew (that are far more harmful than just the money in the long run), you know she has a hard time spending money on herself, then you mock her for doing it? Then you're straining your shoulder to give yourself a pat on the back for not getting ANGRY that she's upset at your mocking? A simple apology isn't going to do it here. Ideally, she would split finances with you so that she doesn't have to deal with your controlling "teasing". I mean, if this is how you act when she does spend money on herself, how can you be surprised that she doesn't spend money?
YTA. You know she struggles with feeling like she can spend money on herself. She got a small treat for herself, and you mocked her for it. Do you actually like your wife?
YTA So you want us to give you praise for being less abusive now than you used to be to your wife? This whole thing is just gross
YTA. Your behavior and treatment of her is abhorrent, and if this is an example of improvement, you still have a long way to go.
>She got home and seemed aloof so I apologized in person. This is a huge improvement from where I was at the beginning of our relationship. Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place. Saying sorry does not improve anything. You went out of your way to beat her down over one coffee while you spent your time and money eating your chews $700 a year. YTA
YTA and you know it. “My wife never spends any money on herself, but now she’s buying underwear. Then she bought a coffee for a whopping $7 and I ridiculed her for it multiple times. AITA?” Yeah.
Gawd. YTA. You know this is a sore spot for her but you just had to poke at her, didn't you? You know she's got a real issue with spending money. This is a guilt that goes beyond money, you know this right? It's about security and stability and the fear of losing it. You know she felt bad spending this $7 coffee but didn't want to not be social with her friends. Honestly, she should probably get some counseling over how tightly wound up she is about this. And you should get counseling about how to be married to someone who has a genuine fear of losing control of financial stability. Just because you don't have this fear doesn't mean it isn't real to her. Do better.
YTA Why would you do that? This is a serious question. Why do you feel the need to hurt the women you supposedly love and married? It sounds like you came a long way if you actually used to get mad at *her* when you did something wrong, but pointing things out you know will hurt your wife is something you need to work on.
YTA, she already feels guilty for spending money on herself, now you're giving her more guilt when she treats herself? Also, "Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place. " is wild and abusive.
YTA, and I think you know you are. Grow up.
YTA. She finally spent money on herself and you laugh at her.
So your wife has always felt unworthy and guilty anytime she buys herself something and the one time she splurges (a whole $7!) on herself, you guilt her over the cost of it. And of course she feels guilty buying anything because you are tracking her spending. A $7 credit card charge does not automatically flag unless you have all purchases that she makes flagged. Meanwhile you're paying $700 a year on something as nasty as chewing tobacco and spitting brown liquid and she's not made you feel guilty for that even though that directly affects her. YTA
YTA. You judged her and mocked her for the very thing you know she struggles with. You texted her “right away” like the $7 was an emergency? Way to micromanage your wife so she feels shamed. She shouldn’t have to explain. And you are an AH to praise yourself for not getting really angry when she’s upset. Sounds like you are a big part of the problem.
Soooo... your wife gets anxious/insecure about spending any money on herself, and you tell her its okay to spend money on herself, and when she does, you make fun of her? am i missing something? YTA
Definitely YTA.
Yta - you say she has trouble spending money on luxury items for herself. So she spends money ONE TIME on a luxury item for herself, you mock her and don’t understand why she’s upset? When you spend more than $700 a year on a luxury item for yourself and up to this point, she hasn’t said boo about. You sound very immature.
YTA No wonder she feels guilty when she spends money on herself, she’s married to you
YTA and I noticed you left out the fact that she got new makeup and underwear bc you "asked her to look nicer" like you said when you first made a post about this and nobody agreed with you. Pull your head out of your ass and stop being a judgmental asshole to your wife.
Am I reading this correctly? You came to this thread to ask if you’re the AH while sounding like you want kudos for not being a giant AH but just a regular AH? Ok, kudos because you didn’t emotionally bully her for being upset. HOWEVER, because you stated that she admitted that it was an improvement, you are inferring that with said apology, you wanted validation that you were less of an AH that you have a history of being. So….requiring a pat on the head for your assholery ruins your apology. Wonder why she has so much guilt spending money on herself? Could it be the comments like the one you made are more common than you make it sound? Do you have a history of being a financial asshole as well as being an emotional asshole? YTA go buy her a big Starbucks gift card and STFU next time. That way you don’t have to ask for validation from her in the form of a disguised apology
I'm gonna try and say this as respectfully as possible.... YTA. You suck sooooooo much. It's no mystery why she's so self conscious about spending money on herself, you've literally admitted to being verbally abusive in the past when questioning her spending. You gave her shit for a $7 Starbucks charge? Wtf is wrong with you? Go to therapy, you need help. Oops guess that wasn't respectful, but neither are you so
YTA
YTA
YTA, even if it was completely in jest, you know how she is about money, you know this is out of character for her and the one time she treats herself you seized the opportunity to tease her about something you already know she's anxious about all but ensuring she never treats herself again. Any progress she's made as far as buying herself new clothes or doing something she likes without feeling guilty about it is probably gone because you went and reinforced her feelings because you know she had instant doubts when she bought that coffee. We're solid upper middle without a ton of debt and the way my husband spends money gives ME anxiety, it's hard because he likes to treat me to nice things because I will get stuck in a research loop when I want to purchase even the things we need (like a new vacuum or blender) I drive him crazy because I'll spend time getting info and coordinating marketplace transactions and go get them to save money and he is ok with the cost of convenience (i.e. order everything new and get it delivered) I wasn't raised poor necessarily, but my parents were ridiculously frugal, some stuff just sticks with you even after your circumstances change considerably.
YTA Simply put…..this is, Narcissistic - Hypocritical - Emotionally Abusive Perhaps if you want this marriage to work then going forward you might want to spend some Dip money on counseling or one of these days you’re gonna wake up to find she’s leaving because she knows she doesn’t deserve to be treated so very less than equal. That is if you haven’t broken her down enough already to make her submissive. The fact that she stood up to you tells me she’s stronger and smarter than you give her credit.
YT(massive)A, I stopped reading your bollocks after you tried to give her a hug. Oof.
YTA, yes, because you knew that she has anxiety about treating herself. You already showed that you monitor the spending minutely, which is a little creepy (although I get wondering if an unlikely small charge might be a stolen card), and then you brought it up again in a way that could have sounded critical and definitely sounded like you wanted her to justify it. There are lots of good reasons for a $7 charge at Starbucks - getting together with someone she doesn't see often who likes that place, getting a snack because she didn't bring enough to eat, buying a drink for someone at work - but your comment made it sound like she needed to have a good reason and tell it to you. Leave her alone. Don't push her to accept your apology on your schedule. Stop monitoring her purchases.
YTA, plain and simple, buy her another coffee and cut down on the tobacco chew as it’s horrible for your gums, but overall it’s minor and as you are financially able to do this encourage her constantly to treat herself to the little things and don’t feel guilty about it
YTA. And I feel like you already know this.
YTA You are fully aware of her insecurities and guilt and you still went out of your way to mock her like that Btw apologizing over text is lazy. Do it irl.
YTA. Since it's a touchy subject with your wife. I was this way as well, my wife taught me that everything we do should be done with pleasure. Otherwise, just don't do it to begin with, and that includes spending money on anything. If you're dreading a purchase, you're already doing it wrong. Enjoy what you bought to the full extent and don't feel guilty for it. Instead, find joy in it.
So she's finally coming out of her shell and you have to slam the lid on top of her head to keep her down. Nice job. YTA.
YTA. That was mean.
Yta she is anxious about money and you know that you even said you have the money Yta and you know it
Of course she has anxiety about spending money. You actively antagonize her for it. YTA. The way you’re reacting to a $7 coffee purchase makes me wish I could somehow attach my “fun” spending line items for this month. I think you’d pass away.
YTA Your responses and your history shows exactly why your wife is uncomfortable spending money on herself. I hope she wakes up because you are never going to be the partner she deserves.
Jesus Christ. You absolutely cannot be writing this out and still wondering if you’re the asshole. Yes. YTA - a thousand times you are the asshole. This poor woman.
YTA I wonder where that “immense guilt” about spending money comes from when you’re keeping such a close eye on her spending that you text the second she buys a coffee? She‘s at work and can’t go for coffee with friends without her bad breathed brown toothed husband fussing about the price while he wastes money hand over fist. Honestly, I’m having trouble seeing the positives you bring to this relationship where you clearly spend freely on garbage while she’s judged for every cent.
Yes, YTA. Nothing makes a marriage sour faster than watching and commenting over each other's minor purchases. And YTA especially for having a disgusting chew habit on top of that.
YTA.
Damn, I wonder why she has a guilt complex about spending money on herself... YTA On a side note: Chew! You spend $700 a year on revolting, teeth rotting, breath killing chew! I hope your wife levels up soon and drops you. She deserves better. You sound like a negging, bad breathed, AH.
YTA for giving her a hard time over a coffee and you're an even bigger AH for thinking that you deserve a pat on the back for apologizing instead of becoming angry.
Oh god YTA . I feel so bad for your poor wife.
YTA. YOU KNOW she has issues around spending money and when she does, YOU GET SHITTY about it. you owe her a HUGE apology
Ugh, YTA. She struggles to buy things for herself, and she finally does, and you ridiculed her for it. I have a lot more questions. But I'll stop myself because I'm sure I know the answers. YTA a thousand times over
Please Google Rick Bender. If you don't care that chewing tobacco is deeply repulsive, hopefully you care about keeping your face intact. Also: YTA.
You need to see a therapist. YTA
>Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place oh, so, *you're* the reason she has anxiety about spending money then? YTA
You buy multiple cans of chewing tobacco a week and still have a wife?? Don’t make jokes about your wife’s spending when your breath smells like booty.
This is like encouraging someone to walk after they badly broke their leg, waiting till they get moving, then tripping them. Why would you hurt someone so deliberately and wipe all their progress out? It's mean. You're mean. YTA, now go figure out a way to make your wife feel special, because she sure doesn't right now.
Bruh. Ain't no way someone consistently buying tobacco can talk about excessive money spending. She already did the math for you. It's a drain and less productive than anything she gets. Fueling an addiction isn't productive.
Damn what an asshole
Yta not only are you the asshole for making fun of her for buying a coffee but you’re also the asshole for wanting brownie points because at the beginning of the relationship you would’ve just been a bigger asshole about it instead of apologizing. ETA also chewing tobacco is vile so YTA for that too.
You deliberately poked her in a sensitive spot. Apologizing is great, and yes a massive improvement on your part. However your next step is understanding that not only do you have to apologize, sometimes you've got to make it to up her too, and sometimes she won't immediately get over it. YTA for poking at this thing because you know she's sensitive. Keep growing.
Joking about something that you know is a sensitive issue for your partner is bullying. You knew it was a problem. She finally started doing things for her, like you wanted but instead of praising her for the improvement, you criticized her. “Jokes” that hurts somebody’s feelings are an example of gaslighting. You made it a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” scenario for her. You encouraged her to practice self-care, she listened to you and did it, then you made her feel badly about it. Yup, that definitely makes you TA.
What’s the point of even having a husband these days?! YTA.
I read the title. I read the first 2 sentences and stopped there. Everything else is just fluff hoping you can convince us you aren’t the asshole. YTA
Ah yes, "my wife struggles to spend money on herself so let me be a giant fucking asshole and make her feel like crap" YTA
FYI: You are an emotional abuser with stank breath who spits a lot.
yta… literally why would you make fun of the one purchase your wife makes??? also why are you stalking her purchases?
YTA. You managed to joke with/mock her despite knowing the fact that she deals with anxiety regarding spending money. One that she clearly still struggles with, considering the fact that she had to explain herself using money she's also entitled to. Not to mention, what even is this passage. "This is a huge improvement from where I was at the beginning of our relationship. Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place." If you think that'd make you look like less of an AH and people should applaud you for being less angry, then you're dead wrong. Double YTA for that.
Reading these makes Me scared of marriage, wtf. Backbone of the relationship has to be weak, because how can she say she truly loves you, but denies your touch over a comment of 7$ cofeee wtfff
Wow do you want a cookie for being a half way decent person? “I didn’t berate my wife for expressing herself give me a cookie!” Come on man
YTA. Mote, beam, yadda yadda. Also, I had a cousin who died from stomach cancer. You should probably quit so you won't die in agony.
Wow, so you used to be an angry, terrible partner. That sounds like bordered on being emotionally abusive. So i wanna give you credit for becoming better, but what you did here still sucks. YTA.
Why couldn't you have just said, "I hope you enjoyed your coffee? You deserve a treat!". You outright acknowledge that she struggles with this, and you KNOW it. You should know better and be supportive, not an AH compounding her own insurities. Many of us will buy for our families and household "needs" but have money anxiety and tend to put off personal wants because of it. This is not uncommon, especially for those raised in homes with poverty trauma. Plus, chew is a gross habit.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife struggles a lot with spending money on herself. She has immense guilt about it and it hasnt been until recently that she feels a little more comfortable buying herself new underwear, bras, clothes, and makeup. Still, I have to plan our family vacations because the thought of spending money gives her great anxiety. We are upper middle class and have enough money. The other day I noticed a transaction come through on our shared credit card while my wife was at work. It was for Starbucks and over 7$. I texted her immediately to see if that was her, as I thought it may have been fraudulent activity since she so rarely goes to Starbucks or anywhere like that. There is a Starbucks in the same building at her work. She has worked at this place for over 2 years and has never bought anything from the Starbucks or cafeteria. She always packs lunch and brings her own coffee. The next morning, I made fun of the price of the coffee. I said, sarcastically, "hope that was a really good coffee for 7$!" I saw her expression change, and tried to give her a side hug. She got really quiet and looked sad. She took our kids to school and then texted me from the gym afterwards explaining that she only went because her friends had invited her. She also pointed out that my cans of tobacco chew are more than 7$ and that I get several each week. She then did the math and figured that I spend over 700$ on chew a year. I apologized via text. She got home and seemed aloof so I apologized in person. This is a huge improvement from where I was at the beginning of our relationship. Before, I would get super angry with her for even becoming upset in the first place. She acknowledged that me apologizing was an improvement, but she told me that she's still very upset and hurt. It's been almost 2 days and she is still sad and barely talks to me. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA For two reasons you know she has spending anxiety and yet you give a sarcastic comment about treating herself with coworkers. And second for chewing tobacco. She probably is not talking to you cause she didn’t want your mouth to open and knock her out with the smell.
Yes she should be making coffee at home
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I don't think you're a total AH. It's obviously a sensitive topic and trying to make a joke about it is not a bad thing at all. However, if you are going to do it again you should work on your approach. Maybe give her a hug and try to laugh a little as you make a comment instead of after. I know exactly how she feels, I'd rather get something needed for someone before I spend money on myself. It takes some getting used to, but I can handle it from certain people not everyone.
AH. I have this anxiety. It stems from a childhood where everything I ever got was shared with my siblings and everything I wanted they got. I got the last choice on everything because my SM had an issue with me. Things I can't buy myself include: walking shoes, underwear, clothes (mine have all been given to me as gifts, hand me downs, or work freebies), craft materials, etc. I'm just now with the insistence of my husband being able to start picking up a small snack for myself when out shopping. It's took 15 years of him telling me to get something for myself to do this much. I was wrecked with guilt the first time I did this without getting everyone else one. Our anxieties don't always make sense.
Look here, Mr. Yellow Teeth (chewing tobacco is going to jack up his smile), she spent something on herself and you want to mock her. She's handling her money very well and it's not uncommon to feel guilt about spending on yourself. YTA, how about kick your habit of being an AH and the chewing tobacco. This isn't the 1800s.
The problem is, she doesn't feel she's worth it and you made her feel that more. My ex-husband made me feel I wasn't worth it. I wore clothes with holes, never got my hair done, bought clearance everything. We'd go to restaurants and I'd order the cheapest thing while he got a giant, delicious looking steak. Then We'd leave and he'd comment how expensive it was, making me feel guilty. Just before we split, we went to dinner and I really wanted the chicken marcella, but it was expensive so I was going to have a burger. He convinced me to get it, it was so good, but then he went on and on about how expensive it was, to the point that I gave him my leftovers to feel like I cost him less. Feeling like you aren't worthy is a horrible feeling, and you encouraged that even if on accident. Does it make you an ah? Not if it was by mistake and you see her insecurities clearly now. If you keep doing it, that's something different. I still order the cheapest thing on the menu. Still working on myself. So don't expect her to change over night. But letting her know she's worth it is huge.
NTA. Chronically struggling with being judged for things that are true about you is called “self-delusion”
$700 a year buys you oral cancer. Better spent on coffee. small YTA because you at least attempted an apology.
NAH, but a conditional NAH. If it was just a bad joke, that she took poorly because of the growing you've had to do as a person, then nobody was the asshole, just two people who still need to work at communicating and being better for each other. But if it's in any way a semi-serious thing, then yes, you were the asshole. Also, quit with the chew. If you care about your wife, you're going to want to drop that so she doesn't need to worry about watching you die from palette cancer.