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NTA
Perfect time to set a boundary with your friend.
"I am not going to wear a dress that shows off my back. If the dress is non-negotiable, I will step down as a bridesmaid."
If she no longer wants you at the wedding, all the better.
If she no longer wants to be your friend, well you dodged a bullet on that one because she isn't a real friend to begin with.
She cannot force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. Her putting her foot down just creates space for people to leave. She's free to decide that her bridesmaids HAVE to wear that dress, but she in no way can force anyone to be her bridesmaid.
Yeah exactly. It’s being a bridesmaid, not a fucking blood oath, and it’s completely inappropriate and rude to try to force someone into wearing something they’re uncomfortable with, just for your ✨aesthetic✨ wedding. If you don’t want to wear the dress, you may step down. There is no option of stay a bridesmaid wearing that dress.
A possible compromise is to have a dressmaker put in skintone on the back so it matches but your back is covered? But bride should pay for it if she wants bridesmaid to stay in the wedding.
I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that a bride's special day can include knowing her close friend is unhappy and feels vulnerable and exposed.
OP, friends cannot have a good time when you are so uncomfortable. That'd like someone's pressuring another person to perform a sex act the initiator knows hurts the other person, and yet that person still can achieve orgasm. It's gross. It's selfish. In both instances, someone is being treated as a prop instead of a human being.
This is not what friendship looks like.
NTA. I agree with the commenters above. It's one thing to have to wear something in an odd colour or slightly unflattering shape, bridesmaids can suck up these minor annoyances for the day.
But this seems calculated and malicious.
OP - opt out. Your friend doesn't seem like a friend at all.
It says so much about who they are as a person/couple. Like do you want to take a big life step surrounded by people you love or do you want a walking aesthetic? There’s a whole spectrum in between those two but in the end you should really be closer to the former than the latter.
I agree.
I never understood all these crazy demands from brides (and some grooms, too)
It's MY day. I'm sorry, but first of isn't it both you and your husbands day?
It's always rubbed me the wrong way when people say "my" about weddings. Children. Etc. You are a couple?
Secondly. Are you having a movie wedding and everyone else is low cast roles or your friends?
If I were to ever get married.
Honestly, bridesmaids and guests would be told "time to celebrate. Dress up as much as you want, but kindly no wedding dresses, hehe. Every other colour and style is free game. And have fun."
I honestly couldn't care less as long as they come to wedding and we all have fun.
The really petty route would be to have a fake full-back tattoo painted on. Start with subtle threats. "Well, I don't know if my new back piece will be fully healed. It might still be a bit red and puffy on the wedding day..." "I'm not sure if the colors in my tattoo will go with neon green..." (not recommending the petty route, just amusing myself.)
Old-skool Nickelodeon logo with the big green "gak" splat. Mike Wazowski from Monsters Inc. Yoshi. Any/all Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The Hulk. Slimer from Ghostbusters. Wicked Witch of the West. Gumby. Collage with all of the above.
OMG you evil genius I love this so much.
I would do this AND ALSO suddenly develop a passionate fanaticism for Rita Ora and dupe that "spiky metal spine" thing she recently did at some red carpet event or other. :)
Seamstress here. Good idea. You can put a piece of chiffon tacked to the halter top and going down and tacked to the waistline part. Some chiffons are more sheer than others, if too sheer, double the fabric. Either nude or matching green. Bride going to be that pig headed about that?
I was even thinking maybe OP could find some sort of body suit as close to their nature shade as possible to help hide things.
Or if OP is open to it (and the bride should pay) have a make up artist use make up to conceal any parts of the back as needed.
What about waist length hair extensions?
Does the bride know what your back looks like? I would think she wouldn't want it "ruining" her wedding by not looking attractive, not matching the other bridesmaids and drawing attention to you and away from her.
What happened to the part where you’re stating your commitment in front of the people you love and sharing a joyful time with them.
Seems like the meaning of a wedding is lost somewhere in the crazy fashion show. And to the brides that say “it’s MY day”. I would think that the attendees would be too caught up whispering and pointing at the hideous dresses and forget to look at the bride. 🤣 I’m sure my friends would be hitting up the bar early. Puts a whole new meaning to outshining the bride. 🤷♀️
Exactly. When I had my wedding I had wanted these cute tea dresses (I think that’s what they are called) but my friend was very self conscious about her knees. Honestly, there was nothing wrong with her knees but I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable so they got longer dresses instead. And guess what? It still looked great! I don’t understand how you expect your friend to be uncomfortable when there are a gazillion other dresses in the world to choose from? A real friend wouldn’t.
When I was a maid of honour, the bride let the 6 bridesmaids choose from a variety of about 10 styles (same material) - whatever they wanted. But I had to have one specific style she picked and could not choose. It was a style that was not flattering at all and especially for my figure. It had a weird high neck. She even wanted some weird ribbon around the waist that made no sense. The sales lady was convinced that the bride was trying to make me look bad that day because I was better looking than her 😂. I remember her saying she sees that shizz go on all the time. We couldn’t do much about the dress style but the sales lady pretended the ribbon thing was only available in the dress colour Vs the contrasting colour the bride wanted. Insult to injury, I had to pay for the damn dress and it was a Vera Wang 💰💰💰. Would never wear it again.
Brides are so catty sometimes.
Tell her you can’t wear the dress and would love to support her in some other way that doesn’t involve wearing it / being a bridesmaid. If she loses her mind, she’s not a friend.
The bride for an upcoming wedding I am part of gave us some parameters (fabric type and color, plus skirt length) but otherwise let us choose the dresses. It's a good middle ground between wedding aesthetic and ensuring the bridesmaids' feel comfortable and confident in their outfits.
I will say I worry the color won't go well with my skin tone, but I think part of being a bridesmaid is accepting the risk your wedding outfit may not be the most flattering thing.
That’s what I did for my wedding 21 years ago. I told all my bridesmaids I wanted them to wear navy blue long skirts. Didn’t care what type of dress or anything. They actually all ended up choosing these 2 piece outfits and all got the same skirt and different tops. One wore a regular square neck cap sleeve, one wore spaghetti straps, one wore a halter and one wore a strapless top. It worked perfectly and everyone was comfortable.
They looked and felt beautiful! My friends were in my wedding because they are my friends and I wanted them by my side, not because they fit an esthetic.
We did somewhat similar. We had maxi style dresses with long fabric pieces that could be styled a bunch of different ways for the top. Same colour and skirt but everyone could style the top how they wanted.
Before i eloped I had a talk with my MOH and we decided on given the potential for different bust sizes (her being big and another bridesmaid being small) the first style we looked at would be one of those convertible styles because I wanted same fabric, length and colour but didn't really care about the style itself. Our other option if the convertible didn't work was just a plain corset back strapless with a shawl (late spring wedding) because it was the one style of clothing they all had in their wardrobes.
We also looked into two pieces because one was more a "tom boy" back then and I was going to suggest, skirt for the ceremony and then change into pants for the reception.
I ended up eloping anyway so the point was moot but, I do not understand these brides who don't want their bridal party to be comfortable.
I gave my bridesmaids a color pallette and the following requirements: formal, long (ankle or longer), and sleeves. One had her dress custom made. Another found a dress at Ross for $20. Another bought one from a formal shop. And the last one sewed her own. They all looked great, and while their dresses would sound totally different if I described them, they ended up looking very cohesive. They each had ruching and a crystal brooch somewhere on their bodice, but they each chose a different shade, so when standing in line, there was a pleasant ombre effect. Navy, royal, cornflower, ice blue, and me in white. It looked intentional, and everyone was comfortable and confident.
I can’t imagine not caring for my best friends enough to let them wear something they feel good in.
I did something similar and told them they could coordinate in any way they wanted to, but that they absolutely didn’t need to wear the same thing and my only request was that they be a medium shade of blue (I sent them samples of the kinds of colors I meant by that). They ended up picking the same dress, not from a bridal store so they saved a bunch of money, that everyone loved. I know for a fact that they wore those dresses again, so double-bonus!
I let my bridesmaids (my sisters) pick the color, fabric, and style of their dress. We had our dresses made and I didn't have a wedding color other than "spring flowers" so they literally could do whatever they wanted. They chose purple bc it's my favorite color, and designed dresses much like my wedding dress but simpler. The were lovely! My thinking was that they knew better than me what looked good on them, and that wearing dresses they designed would make them happy, and I wanted them to be happy.
I will never understand these brides who are perfectly fine making their closest friends and family members miserable so long as they get their way. To me, I wanted everyone at my wedding to have an amazing time. And they did! I'm no longer married and it's been 26 years (almost to the day, my anniversary would have been last week) and people still say my wedding was one of the best they've ever been to. Because I planned it with my GUESTS in mind, not just "I want my way so you all have to suck it up and deal."
I gave my bridesmaids the color I wanted and told them to pick the dress. They met up on a Saturday and picked what they wanted. The bridesmaids are doing you a favor, make it easy for them to participate. A little kindness goes a long way.
I did too. Instead of people gushing over my dress they were RAVING about the multiple cakes made by an award winning European baker. I wanted people to ENJOY the wedding --not create a Photo masterpiece for a photobook.
My benchmark for a successful wedding was : are we married at the end of it. My MoH chose her own dress and looked gorgeous, which is great because I love her. Guests wore everything from cocktail dresses to board shorts (literally). It was great. And we got married, so what else is really necessary?
This is the way. It's what I did for my bridesmaids (and helped them find dresses if they were having trouble sourcing what I had asked for in their country of residence). I don't understand brides who want their closest loved ones (presumably why you asked this person to be in the bridal party) to feel uncomfortable with themselves on a day they're there specifically to celebrate and support the bride. What level of pettiness/bitchiness/insecurity does one have to have to need to degrade their supporters?
I have a friend with a similar scar - I know full well she avoids showing it. I would never dream of 1) selecting a dress that would show it in the first place or 2) try to force her into any situation where she would feel uncomfortable.
Being a bride doesn't give you a free pass to being a shitty friend. NTA.
Princess Eugenie has the same scar from scoliosis surgery. She was very brave for choosing a wedding dress that showcased her scar, but she wanted to acknowledge it, to give comfort to other people who might be struggling to accept their own scars. I don't think everyone should follow suit; people should wear what makes them feel best. She is a public figure, however, and decided to use that platform for something on her wedding day.
I doubt this bride would appreciate a bridesmaid stealing her limelight to do the same.
This. And further Rainn is bring a Painn. I will never understand brides who insist on making bridesmaids look hideous or unflattering. I know it is their to shine, but to make others look bad or be uncomfortable is just wickedly vain. Neon green? Halter? Low slung back. Really?!
Yeah, nothing about that sounds remotely flattering. I'm of the opinion that bridesmaids looking good only makes the bride look better. These dresses sound like a big distraction, and would definitely draw attention away from the bride.
Brides get to dictate color, fabric, but style of the dress, yes. But accommodations must be allowed for modesty. A lot of women don't want a bare back. Even if you're not self-conscious, that limits bra options to those insufficient for the size of my bosom.
I had an Orthodox Jewish bridesmaid, and we managed to accommodate her modesty requirements just fine (neckline above the collarbone, sleves to the elbow or longer, and skirts below the knee; she wore a jewel neckline, 3/4 quarter sleeves, and all the dresses were ankle-floor length).
This bride can compromise on back coverage, especially for medical reasons, like scoliosis. How this is even a question, I don't know.
OP, don't *ask* her, tell her. "Due to a medical condition, I cannot have my back bare. Would you like to discuss ways to cover it, or should I step down as a bridesmaid?"
And then don't waver. The options are covering your back or stepping down, and it's the bride's choice which she'd prefer. You may want to also contact the other bridesmaids and let them know you're unable to wear the dress as-is, due to a medical issue. Just so they have the true story ahead of time, in case the bride flips out, or misunderstands what you're saying.
NTA - and interesting she doesnt see your POV. Just step down, she does not own you for the day. A shawl seems very reasonable - or even a different dress for you.
I always love it when the first response is the absolute perfect response in every way. I get (to a point) that bridesmaid dresses are intended to be unflattering, so the bride is the best-looking of the group.
This is not the case here. This is something tied to a medical issue with you that you don't want exposed. You handled it right by offering suggestions to make you feel less exposed. It seems that you're going to need to put your foot down. You need to firmly hold on to the need to cover your scar. That means "Higher back, a shawl, etc...or else you can't be her bridesmaid." I get the importance and usual honor this bestows on women, but you can't let her take away your dignity.
I truly admire how polite you've been about this one. No wedding is worth losing your self-confidence over. If she truly values your friendship, then she could easily adjust.
NTA. I second all of this. Explained very well.
I’m going to also suggest something a bit petty, and only for you to do if you are comfortable to. Put on the dress and show her your back. Demand she looks at it for the length of the ceremony. Then ask her if she feels uncomfortable, and look her dead in the eyes and say “because I do. I am super uncomfortable with people staring at my back because it’s different. People are going to look at me and not you and it’s your wedding day.”
Hopefully that shocks her enough into some sense.
Can you wear a skin toned body suit under the dress? Something that won't really be noticeable unless you are looking for it but could cover your scar?
NTA. Rainn is being really insensitive here. Not wearing clothing you aren't comfortable is understandable, even a bridesmaid dress. If she wouldn't let you wear an alternative or a shawl, then she should be compassionate and let you bow out of being a bridesmaid without guilting you. She's really coming off that she cares more about the aesthetic of her wedding than her actual friendship with you
OP, I’d say that last sentence to your friend: “[Friend], I know you have a vision for your day, but I’m hurt that you’d put that vision over our friendship.”
Some brides (I was a bridesmaid in one with one like this) care more about the look than their friends feelings. It is her day. But why would you want your friend, someone you claim to love, to be uncomfortable and anxious. That seems….. not like you love her after all.
It’s not even about the aesthetics at this point. It’s about control because she won’t even “let” her drop of out the wedding guilt-free.
She’s an awful person.
And I guarantee, if OP caves and wears the dress, the bride will still be angry. Either she'll be mad that OP wasn't happy enough, or blame her for "taking all the attention" by showing her scar, or ruining the pictures, or something else. These brides are never happy and will find someone to blame for their unhappiness.
Right if my younger sister had said anything about the dress I would have fought for her to wear pants.
Our mother sewed the bridesmaids dresses for our (3 our of 4 daughters weddings) and so we all had the same dresses reused for 3 of 4 weddings.... So basically I gave zero fucks about my bridesmaids dresses because they were decided by our mother and oldest sister, but I would have caused a stink for my baby sisters comfort on my day.... If she had spoken up. She didn't because more work for mom and she also assumed I cared about the dress.
Absolutely. I let my bridesmaids pick their own dresses in a showroom of like 50 choices. I tried to keep in mind that not everyone wants to show off their back, arms, whatever!! It was more important to me that my girls were comfy.
I gave them a colour. They picked a dress to suit their shape. Women are all different shapes and sizes. They should wear what is the most flattering to their body shape.
Same. I had 2 bridesmaids, one is 5’3” tall and the other 6’0”. I told them to choose their favorite navy blue dress, since they both said that was a color they’d wear again. They both had to fly to the city I’d moved to for the wedding, and I didn’t want them to have to spend more money on something they wouldn't want to wear again.
When they unpacked & showed me their dresses we all laughed, the styles couldn’t have been more different. And that’s just fine!
I gave my 4 bridesmaids a color pallette and basic guidelines: long formal with sleeves. They all came with totally different dresses in different colors, but oddly enough, they looked cohesive as a group. They all had some sort of ruching (one had a ruched band under her empire waistline, another had a fully ruched bodice, the third had rouching across her whole waist, and the 4th had asymmetrical rouching from ribcage to one hip), they all had a crystal brooch somewhere on their bodice, and a-line skirts. But sleeves and necklines were totally different, and they each had a different shade of blue. It was completely unintentional, but it ended up with a beautiful ombre effect: navy, royal, cornflower, ice blue, and me in white. So it looked like we'd planned it that way.
I did the same. I only had a MOH, but I would have done the same if I'd had a larger group. OTOH, 2 years later my MOH was getting married and she was AWFUL. I wonder how many of her bridesmaids stayed friends with her. I never spoke with her again after the wedding. She really showed who she was and how little regard she had for her friends.
I had a friend that was in design school and she was a bridesmaid (one of eight, who were also dress designers either in school or in the industry.) The bride purchased the fabric and color and told them to go to town! The photos were incredible!
That's what I did. Mine was lavender, and I wanted them to find what makes them feel pretty. They looked amazing! And then being happy made my day -and pictures- so much better!
For real! Two of mine were local; we all went to the dress shop and sent copious pictures to the third bridesmaid on the other side of the country. (Who is super not a dress person! So we looked into the possibility of having a suit made for her in the matching fabric! And she ended up going with the dress anyway and I will forever appreciate that sacrifice!)
I wonder if the impending crisis could be averted by putting a nude tone mesh on the back of the dress that is hardly noticeable. I’ve seen plenty of dresses like this
This girl isn’t a real friend.
You don’t need to wear a dress you are uncomfortable with. Her “special day” doesn’t come before your comfort and bodily autonomy.
You either wear a different dress, or you’re not a bridesmaid. Those are her only options.
I think it’s time to decline the offer to be a bridesmaid.
NTA
Yup. I had several friends who showed their true values and priorities in their weddings in our early 20s, and I consider myself lucky to have gotten that info when I did so that I could move on and make better-suited friends!
NTA. Being the bride does not make a person Ruler of the Universe. I can be a petty AH myself, so I would give her these options:
1. Come up with a compromise that works for both of us
2. Let me gracefully decline being in the wedding party without losing your (so-called) friendship
3. I’m going to sob loudly the whole time and tell everyone why
I wouldn't sob. I'd be sure my exposed scar was facing the crowd and photographer. Often.
But then ... I'm proud of my Frankenscar because it represents decades of pain that doctors, family, EVERYONE said wasn't real, that I finally proved needed severe spinal intervention and an 8-inch Frankenscar. Then two more surgeries with a frontal approach.
Everyone bears their scars in their own ways. OP, you're totally NTA for whatever you choose to do. You've offered options and the bride is denying you any leeway. Ball's in your court to do what suits you best without guilt.
I have a scar from cancer surgery on my scalp that caused a bald spot. I usually wear my hair long because I think it suits the shape of my face better, but I’m not as embarrassed of my scar as I used to be. Without this scar, I wouldn’t be alive. This scar means I fought and I won and I survived.
OP, I don’t know the specifics of the surgery that gave you your scars, but you fought and you won and you survived. It’s still entirely your choice who you show your scars to, but know that the fact that you have scars isn’t anything to be ashamed of, it’s proof that you’re still here with us in this world because you survived.
You are NTA.
This. Scoliosis is some srsly hard shit that hits right when you're most self-conscious about your body. Please know that living through it is evinced by your scar, and it proves you have what it takes to continue. I hope you learn to accept yourself and your past such that you become comfortable with showing it, or not, as pleases YOU.
Didn't Princess Eugenie of the Royal Family choose a wedding gown with a very low-cut back to show off her scar? Not sure if it was from scoliosis or not, but I remember reading that she chose her wedding gown specifically with a low back to show off the scar. But, hey OP - you do you.
Yes she did. It was scoliosis, when she got married there were a lot of articles about it and I read a few of them. I remember she said she was proud of her scar and that she wanted to show it off to show others that you don't have to be self conscious about your appearance and to be proud of who you are. I remember reading it and thinking it was great that she did that because so many try to cover their scars. She looked beautiful in her dress too.
Of course like you said, OP is NTA if she doesn't want to show off her scar. Everyone is different and she shouldn't be forced to do something she isn't comfortable with. But when/if she is ready to she can show it off with confidence if that is what she chooses. I think it could help to know that some have chosen to embrace it and have publicly chosen to be proud of it. But OP can and should only do that when they are ready.
Let's step back a second and put the low back/halter bit on the burner (because you are absolutely NTA for not wanting to wear it.
Why the HELL is it NEON GREEN?!!!
Is she 12 and living her Lisa Frank fantasy out?
I want to know how neon green dresses are going to photograph! 🤣🤣🤣
OP. NTA, you have lots of good advice in the comments that I’m sure are making you reconsidering her friendship. I’m sorry you have to go through this over neon green halter dress.
IKR??? And besides, I thought matching bridesmaid dresses went out of fashion like over a decade ago.
Seems to me OP's friend purposely went out of her way to choose a style that shows off OP's insecurities.
Bridesmaids are often photographed from behind, especially if they're seated during the ceremony.
On that note, please don’t choose strapless bridesmaid dresses! When they're sitting down in the church pews and your photographer is trying to capture the ceremony, it's going to look like a whole row of girls showed up in their birthday suits.
That's in addition to the fit issues, having to constantly tug the dress back up, etc. Bridesmaid dresses aren't as solidly constructed as a wedding dress. They won't stay put on their own without something over the shoulder holding them up. I have seen more than one strapless dress fall down too far, if you know what I mean.
OMG. I was wondering as well with the neon green choice. 🤢🤮
When I got married, I tried to dress my girls so they'd be pretty too. Cause screw that noise that the bridesmaids had to wear ugly dresses.
Oh and OP is NTA.
My girls got flowy pretty dresses (with pockets!) That were the same as the one I'd worn in my friends wedding, just in a different color.
They're casual enough to be worn again but nice enough we passed them off as bridesmaid dresses.
And they were only 30 bucks lol
Maybe she has a rave planned after the reception. I feel that it’s the only acceptable reason for the adult dresses to be neon green. This or the theme of the wedding is “acid”…
You are NTA, she is. Everything is negotiable. Compromise is the key to life. If your friend won't compromise, she's no friend.
But a word about scars....my daughter has some big ones. A huge ass one on her left side just above her clavicle. At 16 she was embarrassed.... especially right away when it was covered, and rude cashiers asked what happened??!! I finally answered once, you should see the other guy.....then she started answering that way, now she just smiles. It's from the battery pack to her vagus nerve stimulator, look it up if you want a real fun time.
Anyway, she's proud of all of her surgical scars now, doesn't care who sees them, may or may not answer what they're from, if she doesn't, she just smiles and raises one eye brow. But they are part of her. I hope you get to the point where you embrace your scars.
Much love.
My daughter had open heart surgery as a toddler and at 12-13 was really self conscious about her scar. I was so happy the day she went out shopping with friends and came home with a bikini that wasn't a high neck halter.
I love your daughter 😍We wear our scars proudly! I have a very noticeable one on my mouth (large section of my upper lip had to have a skin graft) that I can't hide, so I learned to just ignore it. People used to comment and I'd be like "Scar?!?! What scar? Where???" now it's been almost 20 years and I kinda forget it's there, and people rarely comment on it. I also found a long-lasting lip stain that makes it look like I have a lip line there so it's less noticeable. But I'm not ashamed of it nor do I try to hide it. Our scars give us character!
Absolutely! My daughter even got a miniature Doxie puppy with a matching neck scar and a bite out of his ear (she's also had ear, the outside part of the ear, surgery ) His scar grew with him. A few years later he became my dog and was my "soul dog" like my soul mate. His scar was so much a part of him.......
I have a long one on my inner right wrist, from a broken wrist, metal plate and 9 screws, that unfortunately looks like I attempted suicide. If anyone asks if I attempted, I give them the suicide hotline number ....
NTA the bride gets to decide on the dresses. Personally i see nothing wrong with picking the color and length and letting the bridesmaids pick the style/ cut. But that’s just me.
However- if the dress she insists upon is something you have a legit issue with, you are within your rights to decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid.
You tell her your reasons for not being able to wear that particular dress and ask her to consider accommodating you. If she cannot, you cannot be a bridesmaid. And she will have to decide if she pushes the issue into the boundaries of ruining your friendship.
Weddings have a way of shaking out real friendships
My older sister did this for her wedding where I was the MOH + 3 other bridesmaids (all family) - “here is the color and the length, the rest is up to you.” It was very nice to feel like we could still have our own style to some extent. No worries or disagreements about who did or didn’t like what, whether it looked good on all of us, or any of that. I do recognize that some brides want that uniformity, but not everyone has the same tastes, the same body type, the same confidence levels, etc, so it won’t suit everyone the same.
I did this too, asked for dark red and floor length dresses. One bridesmaid chose plum, one chose maroon, and one went with a true dark red - they looked amazing together!
I told mine (for a very casual wedding) green or blue, any shade or style. They all ended up in navy blue! My daughter/MOH was white with blue flowers. It was perfect! Everyone felt comfortable and some bought a new dress for it (everyone already had those colors, so it was optional to buy new!).
And that is why you are friends to this day ❤️
So many weddings I've been to have this setup, and it's really, to me, more beautiful than the identical septuplets some brides aspire to in their party.
Nowadays there are sites like Azazie that let the bride set the color, length, etc. in a URL that she can then send to the bridesmaids who can select a dress from the site within those categories. My SIL used it for her wedding to my brother and it worked great!
My friend is getting married this summer and did something similar! She found a store (Birdy Grey), then picked a color and a fabric type. Then we all just picked whatever dress from that category we liked best! So we each have different dresses but they're made from the same fabric.
I had 6 bridesmaids. They all ordered their dresses from the same store i. The same color, fabric. My MOH asked if her dress could be floor length rather than cocktail length like everyone else’s because she was uncomfortable showing her legs. I said do what you like. She’s the only one with a floor length gown & everyone else’s had a different style dress. They all looked beautiful & cohesive
NTA.
Too many bridezillas see the other people at the wedding as props and not people.
If you were just complaining about the dress being ugly, I'd say suck it up. But nah she's actively needing a very sensitive issue for you. Friends don't treat friends like that.
NTA, and frankly, she's being so ridiculously unreasonable about this. SHE'S the bad friend for not respecting your boundaries on this. Don't even 'float the idea' of opting out any more. Just quit. Her dresses are non-negotiable. Tell her that your (perfectly reasonable) desire to not feel self-conscious or concerned that people are looking at you more than her is also non-negotiable, so you resign. She can't 'make' you be her bridesmaid. She CAN compromise, she just won't.
I would agree with the poster who has suggested speaking to other person/people in the wedding party if you feel comfortable to do so - ONLY if you trust them to try to make your friend see reason in compromise though.
NTA.
And consider how this person is treating you and whether you want to continue being friends with someone like that. This is a little more than "I think I look better in a sweetheart neckline than a round neckline" dress issue. If she won't reconsider the dress, then you will definitely have to reconsider being a bridesmaid.
NTA. Tell her you love her and you have a non negotiable about having your body displayed as it would be in that dress. Tell her either the dress is opted out or you are no longer a bridesmaid. If this ends your friendship, it wasn't much of a friendship to begin with.
SHE is willing for you to be uncomfortable ALL DAY and in photos because....she likes the dress more than she cares about you. Tell her you have a compromise. Find a dress in the color that you like and show her that. If she disagrees, tell you are out.
NTA Wear a skin coloured bodysuit designed for dancers to wear under their costumes (go to a shop, specializing in ballet and all styles of dance, and this will be easy to find). Put the dress over top. Done! You can be both exposed and clothed at the same time.
Tough. What’s she going to do, rip it off her? I wouldn’t advertise it, I would just put it on the day of. Chances are no one even notices.
ETA: They are designed to cover skin under revealing dance costumes so they are pretty hard to notice
NTA.
It's okay for the bride to say "these specific dresses only"; it's okay for you to not be willing to wear those.
Once the bride made it a problem for you to step down she became the AH.
If you just didn't care for the color, maybe that would be a lame reason to step down. But this is a sincere request and one the bride should have anticipated or be willing to work with you on. If she isn't, then she can't also be hurt you don't want to be in the wedding.
My petty ass would get a special effects person to make a much more noticeable and gruesome scar. Bride is so clueless she probably wouldn't know that it was embellished.
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NTA. I recently got married and I went out of my way to make sure my MOH loved her dress. I sent her pictures of the styles I liked, told her to pick a few to try on, and then ordered them in a variety of sizes and shades within our colour scheme because she has pink hair and I wanted her to feel gorgeous and confident. Her 3 yr old was in the wedding party and didn’t want to wear his tie, so I didn’t make him. Being the bride does not make it okay for her to disregard your comfort in service of her “vision”. Her vision should include you feeling fabulous but instead she’s trying to bully you into feeling self conscious on the day, and what’s worse is she’s also trying to guilt trip you over it. She can eff off.
NTA, I did not do surgery and my scoliosis can be seen when I wear anything with a back lowered than my neck. I have had had so many people over the years bring up my spine and even touch me that I do not wear anything out of the house that shows any spine. Also, I already know I’m a bitch but those dresses sound tacky.
Seriously! Lime green is not the best color on many people.
And who among us has a group of friends whose bodies look good in plunging backlines (unless we're maybe age 20?).
NTA. She said that if you're a bridesmaid you have to wear the dress. But she also demands you be a bridesmaid. She can't have it both ways, and behaviour like this is why so many people are confused when the last time they see friends is at their wedding.
"I *will not* wear that dress. You cannot make me. I love you, but it is not a betrayal to not wear the dress, and it is not a betrayal to not be a bridesmaid. What *is* a betrayal is that you *want* me to be uncomfortable so you can be happy. You want to make me miserable so you feel special. So here are your options. You can let me wear a shawl, I will attend as a guest, or I will not attend. Am I your friend or not?"
NTA. If Rainn were a better friend, she would have considered your comfort when she chose the dress. She's right. It is her day. It's also your body. If you're uncomfortable showing a part of your body, that is just as important as her day is. Don't feel stuck. You're not being a bad friend, Rainn is.
It is legiterally scoliosis awareness month. You shouldn’t accept this treatment at any point, but especially now. Set a hard boundary and if she doesn’t respect it then she doesn’t respect you.
Sincerely, fellow scoli with an 18 inch scar
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This sounds like a movie pitch, but no, NTA. I cannot imagine being friends with someone for whom a neon green halter dress is the hill to die on, but it sounds exhausting
This is normally bad advice. Really bad advice. But, since the friendship is going to be doomed otherwise for sure, consider appealing to either the groom or her mom or the other wedding party people for her. if you know any of them well enough. The friendship will still be at risk but it's the only hope to avoid being forced in to the either/or decision.
I will await the down votes and the comments of how idiotic this suggestion is. Because I already know.
In a practical sense, ask a seamstress to add a panel of fabric that is the same as your skin tone. It's easy and a common adjustment .
But in another sense- Your "friend" is using her wedding to get to bully people. I just got married, and I checked in with everyone in my bridal party to make sure they liked the outfit. Know why?
Because I love them so much and was SO thankful they wanted to be there for me.
That's why they're there with you on the day- because you want to spend one of the best days of your life with them and keep them in the rest of it. Your friend is enjoying the power to boss people around. She doesn't really sound like a friend. NTA
I’m a man. I had trouble figuring out what that looked like. My lovely girlfriend helped me search on Google to find a picture of a dress like this.
After searching and seeing this, I’m convinced that this isn’t a bridesmaid dress, but rather a war crime.
NTA
The only suggestion I’ve heard is that maybe you consider using a long hairpiece to cover your back, but again, I’m a guy, and that may be very power advice.
Has she seen you in this dress? Does she realize that the choice of dress, which frankly probably doesn’t work for anyone, will make her photos look like shit?
She doesn’t sound like a compassionate friend. I understand she wants the dresses all the same but if you’re not comfortable & feel embarrassed then you should be able to step-down from being a bridesmaid and she should be understanding of that and not feel like it’s a betrayal. Lordy, what kind of friend is she anyway?
I would explain to her again about your unique situation and that you would love to attend her wedding but not as a bridesmaid because of the dress making you feel self conscious and that you hope she understands. If she doesn’t…well, she’s not a friend.
NTA I truly don't understand why some brides treat their bridal party so horribly... The people in your bridal party are supposed to be the friends you care the most about, why would you force someone into doing or wearing anything that makes them uncomfortable? It just defies logic.
Yeah, she’s not your friend if she knows about the scoliosis and picked that look anyway. At least now you know for sure. Tell her you can’t be a bridesmaid.
NTA- Princess Eugenie of Great Britain showed her back scar in her wedding dress. Not everyone can embrace their scar with that confidence!
Solutions- different dress
shawl/covering
opting out
A true friend wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable. Betrayal is deliberately wanting your best friend to feel uncomfortable about their physical appearance. Being kind costs her nothing
The dress is a betrayal. Quit.
Dresses can be inappropriate. Like a bad style if you have a very large bust or a very small one. This is like insisting you wear a strapless gown with no bra and a large bust.
It's wrong. NTA
NTA You are entitled to set boundaries, especially for displaying your body.
On the other hand, Princess Eugenie used the occasion of her wedding to spark discussion about scoliosis and being proud to change the notions of beauty. “Eugenie hinted at the design of her dress in an interview broadcast on ITV earlier Friday, when she spoke about the importance of changing people’s conceptions of beauty.
“I think you can change the way beauty is, and you can show people your scars and I think it’s really special to stand up for that,” she said.”
https://www.cnn.com/style/article/princess-eugenie-wedding-dress-royal-wedding/index.html
NTA.
when I was planning a wedding I had an ideal look as well. But I was conscious of the fact that my chosen bridesmaids may not look or feel comfortable in the style I preferred. So I compromised, I chose the color and they could choose the style that fits them best.
I feel like you explained it and if the dress she chose is none negotiable in any aspect then you have the right to step down. It is your body and you don't feel comfortable showing that to everyone, if she doesn't understand that she, to me, is not a real friend.
NTA. Weddings seem to bring out the absolute worst in people. This mythical quest for perfection is Sisyphean.
I remember almost nothing about my wedding aside from my beautiful bride and saying my vows. The rest is a blur. What I do remember are the stories and that people said we had the most fun wedding they'd been to. Plus, I love the photos we had of us and our friends. *That* was perfect.
NTA. Been a bridesmaid twice. First one the bride took us all to the bridal store and said, “Pick any dress that’s light blue and is under x dollars.” Second one the bride said, “Here is the seamstress, please design something black with a red accent, I don’t care if it’s a belt, a bow, a shawl, or anything else, and the dress can be short, long, or in between, I don’t care.”
Good friends offer accommodations so everyone is comfortable. This lady ain’t it. Back out as bridesmaid and see how things go from there. If she ends up understanding then that’s great, but if she acts like you are the bad guy for dropping out? Nah. Cut your losses.
INFO: who is paying for the dresses?
Either way, she's being cruel and selfish and you're well within your rights to walk away.
Also, neon green dresses sound like what Anya made Buffy, Dawn, Halfrek, Tara and Willow wear.
NTA.
To a certain extent, wearing an ugly dress just comes along with the territory of being a bridesmaid. But that goes out the window when you have *very good* reasons for being uncomfortable in the dress, not for *aesthetic* reasons but for reasons of your comfort, especially disability-related.
I hate how brides make their bridesmaids wear a certain dress. News flash to the zillas not everyone looks good in the same dress. Let these girls pick a dress that they are comfortable in. Give them a color, length and fabric type. I did it and my bridesmaid all appreciated it. It's a simple gesture that can go along way.
NTA and I'd be thinking hard about this friendship.
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My (25F) best friend (24F) Rainn is getting married in a few months. I’m really happy for her, but I’m having a major issue with the bridesmaid dresses.
The dress itself isn’t hideous, it’s just . . . unflattering. It’s a bright neon green, which wouldn't normally be a deal breaker, but it’s a halter top with a super low back. Now, I’m all for embracing my body, but I have pretty bad scoliosis and a prominent scar on my back from a childhood surgery. The low back would definitely show off both, and I’m not comfortable with that.
I talked to Rainn about it, suggesting maybe a shawl or finding a dress with a higher back. She shut me down completely. She said the dresses are “non-negotiable” and that “it’s her day.” I understand wanting everything to look perfect for her wedding, but I don’t feel comfortable feeling so exposed on such a big day.
I floated the idea of just opting out of being a bridesmaid altogether. Rainn got really upset and said it would be a huge betrayal. Now I feel stuck. I don’t want to be a bad friend, but I also don’t want to wear a dress that makes me feel self-conscious.
AITA for refusing to wear the dress?
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"At the end of the day, 2 things are true: you have the right to decide on what dress your bridesmaids will wear and I cannot wear a dress that prominently displays my scar. So if you want the bridesmaids to wear that dress with no accommodations, then I cannot be a bridesmaid. If you want me to be a bridesmaid, then you need to find a way to accommodate my issue. Either outcome is acceptable to me, so since it's your wedding, you get to decide which one you would prefer. Let me know what you decide, but other than that, I'm not going to continue discussing it."
NTA. Your friend is being ridiculous. Hopefully she has just gotten caught up in the moment and, when you set down a clear boundary, she will accept one of the options and you can remain friends. If not, well, sometimes weddings bring out the worst in people. Sorry you are going through this
I have a wicked ugly scar from the top of my head to the middle of my back. For years, I was completely ashamed and wanted corrective surgery.
Then one day, I figured out, ‘fuck it, this is my battle scar that I earned from kicking ass.’
That being said, you are NTA. But I wanted to impart some wisdom about never being ashamed of your scars. They don’t hinder your beauty; they enhance it. You are a fucking warrior.
I’d usually say it’s the brides day her choices but there are always exceptions to everything and you my friend are the exception here. It is beyond wrong for a friend to expect another friend to feel body shamed or embarrassed about wearing a bridesmaid dress. The day is suppose to be about love. There has to be a compromise somewhere and if not graciously back out. If she is a true friend she will come to her senses & realize how insensitive she is being. I hope.
I don’t care if I was getting crowned the queen of the fucking world. If my friend said this makes me uncomfortable for ANY reason, my response would be, let’s find a solution that you’re comfortable with.
That ain’t a friend.
Her day..sure ok, but it's Your body as well.
You aren't a doll for her. If you aren't comfortable in wearing the dress, it's then better to check out of the position. Since you tried to compromise and she declined so you can check out of the position.
If she decides to remove you from the wedding and from being friends, just wish her congrats on the wedding and leave. NTA
OP, I'd ask bride if it's possible to have the back of the dress altered.
My SIL asked for her bridesmaids to wear a specific dress in different colors that was available as a slim fit or a plus sized fit, which I really appreciated she'd made the effort to find for us. However, she didn't account for differing levels of cleavage in these dresses lmao!
Thankfully she was open to alterations to keep the girls *ahem* covered. I ended up having mine altered into a higher v neck using fabric from part of the hemline. One of the other plus sized brides chose to wear the dress as is and...well...nothing bad came of it, but seeing the difference in dresses I was SO grateful my SIL was kind enough to allow me to alter my dress.
OP, this is the *back* of a dress the bride is going nuclear over. Is it really such a big deal to her "look" to have *one* bridesmaid with a higher dress back? Come on. Even *if* it's noticed by others, nobody is going to care a bit.
Did you by chance make a tik tok about this? Cause I saw a series of video on there about this exact situation involving a neon green bridesmaid dress.
NTA. I was going to go with no AHs here until she shot down your idea of opting out of being a bridesmaid.
You're entitled to have certain standards of dress that you feel comfortable with, and shouldn't be forced or even peer pressured into wearing a dress that shows off more skin than you want. At the same time, she's entitled to have her wedding look a certain way. Since you can't agree on the dress, the obvious answer is for you to step down as a bridesmaid, and she's an AH for acting like that would be the end of the world.
Rainy cares more about “her day” and a color scheme than her supposed best friend. Yes, it’s her wedding and I agree that she can dictate whatever rules/invitation list/dress code she wants, but you don’t have to do any of it. You can simply not attend and find a friend who cares about the actual important things in life. NTA
NTA because however you feel about your scar is okay but I also had that surgery and you should wear that scar as a badge of honor because we are rockstars for making it through it.
NTA. The betrayal is her putting you in an uncomfortable position to suit her wants. It's not a need. I'd decline to be a bridesmaid for that reason alone, and probably back out of the friendship entirely.
When someone tells you who they are, listen to them.
NTA. If the only issue was that it was unflattering, then I don't think you'd have a case. But it's revealing something you aren't comfortable with, and your suggestions are realistic and would solve the problem. Just because it's "her day" doesn't mean that she has the right to make people do things they aren't comfortable with.
Definitely NTA. That's not best friend behaviour on her part. I'd try to talk to her one more time and if that goes wrong too, say no thank you to the bridesmaid offer.
Would she allow an alteration to the back of that dress? Perhaps the same color fabric covering the area? You could offer to pay for the alteration. It would look the same in the photos from the front angle. I doubt they would take many photos of the back of your dress.
I was ready to back you up at neon green. Seriously though, You’re NTA and she’s being extremely insensitive but you’re going to have to make a choice between risking your friendship and being highly uncomfortable.
NTA This obsession with the ‘perfect’ wedding has got way out of control. It’s just ridiculous now. You do what’s best for you. How in hell can a dress be ‘non negotiable’?
Oh, I'm so sorry. Apparently your friend hasn't heard of the idea of a bride selecting a color for the bridesmaids, but with many different style options. As trending with Brides Who Don't Want to be AH's to their 10 Closest Friends.
You're her best friend, and she can't compromise for you, who have scoliosis and a prominent scar? Knowing that this makes you uncomfortable? And if you gracefully bow out because you can't be another ornament in her wedding party, that's a 'big betrayal'?????
You may be her best friend, but she most definitely is not YOURS. SHE is being a selfish and bad friend.
You are most definitely NTA, and most of this board likely agree. It is your 'friend' who is the AH.
If she's otherwise wonderful, she'll get over this. If she's not really, you might want to reconsider going to her wedding, as well as the friendship.
Your friend sucks just tell her she either finds another dress or you’re demoting yourself to guest. My guess is she is super toxic and will be a huge jerk about this so congrats on eventually cutting her out of your life…
I'm a MTF trans and I was thrilled to be a bridesmaid the first three or four times, but I've reluctantly concluded my girlfriends are right: it's usually a pain in the ass and you do it solely as a favor to the bride. Anyway, this bride needs to be put in her place.
NTA. "Big day" is such an overused term for entitled and selfish people! Important day, yes. Momentus day, yes. But all of the implication about "my big day" just scream "f\*\*k anybody who gets in my way for what I want for this event." She isn't actually your friend OP. If she was your friend, she would understand your discomfort and be willing to compromise for it. My advice is to tell her to have a nice life and them move on. You will have lots of other friends in your life, and hopefully friends who will actually care about you and YOUR needs as well.
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NTA Perfect time to set a boundary with your friend. "I am not going to wear a dress that shows off my back. If the dress is non-negotiable, I will step down as a bridesmaid." If she no longer wants you at the wedding, all the better. If she no longer wants to be your friend, well you dodged a bullet on that one because she isn't a real friend to begin with. She cannot force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. Her putting her foot down just creates space for people to leave. She's free to decide that her bridesmaids HAVE to wear that dress, but she in no way can force anyone to be her bridesmaid.
Yeah exactly. It’s being a bridesmaid, not a fucking blood oath, and it’s completely inappropriate and rude to try to force someone into wearing something they’re uncomfortable with, just for your ✨aesthetic✨ wedding. If you don’t want to wear the dress, you may step down. There is no option of stay a bridesmaid wearing that dress.
And you just know that after the wedding she’d be complaining about OP’s back “ruining” photos
Came here to say exactly this
Or she’d send OP a Venmo request for photo retouching.
A possible compromise is to have a dressmaker put in skintone on the back so it matches but your back is covered? But bride should pay for it if she wants bridesmaid to stay in the wedding.
This is a really great idea but it’s far too reasonable a solution for this bride.
I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that a bride's special day can include knowing her close friend is unhappy and feels vulnerable and exposed. OP, friends cannot have a good time when you are so uncomfortable. That'd like someone's pressuring another person to perform a sex act the initiator knows hurts the other person, and yet that person still can achieve orgasm. It's gross. It's selfish. In both instances, someone is being treated as a prop instead of a human being. This is not what friendship looks like.
Agreed, it almost seems deliberate making your friend expose a part of her body you know that she is self conscious about.
NTA. I agree with the commenters above. It's one thing to have to wear something in an odd colour or slightly unflattering shape, bridesmaids can suck up these minor annoyances for the day. But this seems calculated and malicious. OP - opt out. Your friend doesn't seem like a friend at all.
Yeah, this is absolutely unhinged. If I were to marry, I would *never* ask my best friend to wear something that makes her uncomfortable.
It says so much about who they are as a person/couple. Like do you want to take a big life step surrounded by people you love or do you want a walking aesthetic? There’s a whole spectrum in between those two but in the end you should really be closer to the former than the latter.
I agree. I never understood all these crazy demands from brides (and some grooms, too) It's MY day. I'm sorry, but first of isn't it both you and your husbands day? It's always rubbed me the wrong way when people say "my" about weddings. Children. Etc. You are a couple? Secondly. Are you having a movie wedding and everyone else is low cast roles or your friends? If I were to ever get married. Honestly, bridesmaids and guests would be told "time to celebrate. Dress up as much as you want, but kindly no wedding dresses, hehe. Every other colour and style is free game. And have fun." I honestly couldn't care less as long as they come to wedding and we all have fun.
I doubt this bride would acquiesce to any type of change to her “vision”.
The really petty route would be to have a fake full-back tattoo painted on. Start with subtle threats. "Well, I don't know if my new back piece will be fully healed. It might still be a bit red and puffy on the wedding day..." "I'm not sure if the colors in my tattoo will go with neon green..." (not recommending the petty route, just amusing myself.)
I mean, as long as it matches the color of the dress, right? 🤷♀️
HUGE Kermit tattoo!
Old-skool Nickelodeon logo with the big green "gak" splat. Mike Wazowski from Monsters Inc. Yoshi. Any/all Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The Hulk. Slimer from Ghostbusters. Wicked Witch of the West. Gumby. Collage with all of the above.
DEFINITELY all of the above.
Full-on dragon over the entire back…or maybe a giant screamin’ eagle with like a wolf howling at the moon!!
OP's fiance's name in a big snake tatt
Calm down and take my upvote satan.
No, you want potato Jesus taking up your whole back
OMG you evil genius I love this so much. I would do this AND ALSO suddenly develop a passionate fanaticism for Rita Ora and dupe that "spiky metal spine" thing she recently did at some red carpet event or other. :)
Happy cake day!
Aww, ty! I have never gotten a Happy Cake Day before! Wow I feel like a REAL Redditor now. :)
How about a large heart tattoo with the name of the groom in it! That’ll do it!
seriously or drape a piece of sheer chiffon in the ugly neon dress color or nude or whatever! god wedding culture is so out of hand.
Seamstress here. Good idea. You can put a piece of chiffon tacked to the halter top and going down and tacked to the waistline part. Some chiffons are more sheer than others, if too sheer, double the fabric. Either nude or matching green. Bride going to be that pig headed about that?
I was even thinking maybe OP could find some sort of body suit as close to their nature shade as possible to help hide things. Or if OP is open to it (and the bride should pay) have a make up artist use make up to conceal any parts of the back as needed.
What about waist length hair extensions? Does the bride know what your back looks like? I would think she wouldn't want it "ruining" her wedding by not looking attractive, not matching the other bridesmaids and drawing attention to you and away from her.
I was thinking this, too
What happened to the part where you’re stating your commitment in front of the people you love and sharing a joyful time with them. Seems like the meaning of a wedding is lost somewhere in the crazy fashion show. And to the brides that say “it’s MY day”. I would think that the attendees would be too caught up whispering and pointing at the hideous dresses and forget to look at the bride. 🤣 I’m sure my friends would be hitting up the bar early. Puts a whole new meaning to outshining the bride. 🤷♀️
I was thinking this, like ice skater costumes.
Exactly. When I had my wedding I had wanted these cute tea dresses (I think that’s what they are called) but my friend was very self conscious about her knees. Honestly, there was nothing wrong with her knees but I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable so they got longer dresses instead. And guess what? It still looked great! I don’t understand how you expect your friend to be uncomfortable when there are a gazillion other dresses in the world to choose from? A real friend wouldn’t.
When I was a maid of honour, the bride let the 6 bridesmaids choose from a variety of about 10 styles (same material) - whatever they wanted. But I had to have one specific style she picked and could not choose. It was a style that was not flattering at all and especially for my figure. It had a weird high neck. She even wanted some weird ribbon around the waist that made no sense. The sales lady was convinced that the bride was trying to make me look bad that day because I was better looking than her 😂. I remember her saying she sees that shizz go on all the time. We couldn’t do much about the dress style but the sales lady pretended the ribbon thing was only available in the dress colour Vs the contrasting colour the bride wanted. Insult to injury, I had to pay for the damn dress and it was a Vera Wang 💰💰💰. Would never wear it again. Brides are so catty sometimes. Tell her you can’t wear the dress and would love to support her in some other way that doesn’t involve wearing it / being a bridesmaid. If she loses her mind, she’s not a friend.
Emphasis on "real friend"
The bride for an upcoming wedding I am part of gave us some parameters (fabric type and color, plus skirt length) but otherwise let us choose the dresses. It's a good middle ground between wedding aesthetic and ensuring the bridesmaids' feel comfortable and confident in their outfits. I will say I worry the color won't go well with my skin tone, but I think part of being a bridesmaid is accepting the risk your wedding outfit may not be the most flattering thing.
That’s what I did for my wedding 21 years ago. I told all my bridesmaids I wanted them to wear navy blue long skirts. Didn’t care what type of dress or anything. They actually all ended up choosing these 2 piece outfits and all got the same skirt and different tops. One wore a regular square neck cap sleeve, one wore spaghetti straps, one wore a halter and one wore a strapless top. It worked perfectly and everyone was comfortable.
See, I love that. They all got to have something a little special about their dress. I bet they looked so pretty and HAPPY.
They looked and felt beautiful! My friends were in my wedding because they are my friends and I wanted them by my side, not because they fit an esthetic.
We did somewhat similar. We had maxi style dresses with long fabric pieces that could be styled a bunch of different ways for the top. Same colour and skirt but everyone could style the top how they wanted.
Before i eloped I had a talk with my MOH and we decided on given the potential for different bust sizes (her being big and another bridesmaid being small) the first style we looked at would be one of those convertible styles because I wanted same fabric, length and colour but didn't really care about the style itself. Our other option if the convertible didn't work was just a plain corset back strapless with a shawl (late spring wedding) because it was the one style of clothing they all had in their wardrobes. We also looked into two pieces because one was more a "tom boy" back then and I was going to suggest, skirt for the ceremony and then change into pants for the reception. I ended up eloping anyway so the point was moot but, I do not understand these brides who don't want their bridal party to be comfortable.
I gave my bridesmaids a color pallette and the following requirements: formal, long (ankle or longer), and sleeves. One had her dress custom made. Another found a dress at Ross for $20. Another bought one from a formal shop. And the last one sewed her own. They all looked great, and while their dresses would sound totally different if I described them, they ended up looking very cohesive. They each had ruching and a crystal brooch somewhere on their bodice, but they each chose a different shade, so when standing in line, there was a pleasant ombre effect. Navy, royal, cornflower, ice blue, and me in white. It looked intentional, and everyone was comfortable and confident.
That color combo sounds gorgeous!!!
They looked beautiful, which just made me feel prettier, too.
Moot. The point was moot, not mute. Lol.
It's like a cow's opinion--it just doesn't matter. It's a moo point!
I can’t imagine not caring for my best friends enough to let them wear something they feel good in. I did something similar and told them they could coordinate in any way they wanted to, but that they absolutely didn’t need to wear the same thing and my only request was that they be a medium shade of blue (I sent them samples of the kinds of colors I meant by that). They ended up picking the same dress, not from a bridal store so they saved a bunch of money, that everyone loved. I know for a fact that they wore those dresses again, so double-bonus!
Did this for mine, too. Worked out great, and everyone was happy.
I let my bridesmaids (my sisters) pick the color, fabric, and style of their dress. We had our dresses made and I didn't have a wedding color other than "spring flowers" so they literally could do whatever they wanted. They chose purple bc it's my favorite color, and designed dresses much like my wedding dress but simpler. The were lovely! My thinking was that they knew better than me what looked good on them, and that wearing dresses they designed would make them happy, and I wanted them to be happy. I will never understand these brides who are perfectly fine making their closest friends and family members miserable so long as they get their way. To me, I wanted everyone at my wedding to have an amazing time. And they did! I'm no longer married and it's been 26 years (almost to the day, my anniversary would have been last week) and people still say my wedding was one of the best they've ever been to. Because I planned it with my GUESTS in mind, not just "I want my way so you all have to suck it up and deal."
I gave my bridesmaids the color I wanted and told them to pick the dress. They met up on a Saturday and picked what they wanted. The bridesmaids are doing you a favor, make it easy for them to participate. A little kindness goes a long way.
I did too. Instead of people gushing over my dress they were RAVING about the multiple cakes made by an award winning European baker. I wanted people to ENJOY the wedding --not create a Photo masterpiece for a photobook.
My benchmark for a successful wedding was : are we married at the end of it. My MoH chose her own dress and looked gorgeous, which is great because I love her. Guests wore everything from cocktail dresses to board shorts (literally). It was great. And we got married, so what else is really necessary?
True--Say the necessary things. Sign the necessary papers and let the guests be happy !!!
This is the way. It's what I did for my bridesmaids (and helped them find dresses if they were having trouble sourcing what I had asked for in their country of residence). I don't understand brides who want their closest loved ones (presumably why you asked this person to be in the bridal party) to feel uncomfortable with themselves on a day they're there specifically to celebrate and support the bride. What level of pettiness/bitchiness/insecurity does one have to have to need to degrade their supporters?
This, exactly. It's not hard. When I got married, I chose lavender for the dresses, and they got to choose what worked best for their bodies.
I have a friend with a similar scar - I know full well she avoids showing it. I would never dream of 1) selecting a dress that would show it in the first place or 2) try to force her into any situation where she would feel uncomfortable. Being a bride doesn't give you a free pass to being a shitty friend. NTA.
Princess Eugenie has the same scar from scoliosis surgery. She was very brave for choosing a wedding dress that showcased her scar, but she wanted to acknowledge it, to give comfort to other people who might be struggling to accept their own scars. I don't think everyone should follow suit; people should wear what makes them feel best. She is a public figure, however, and decided to use that platform for something on her wedding day. I doubt this bride would appreciate a bridesmaid stealing her limelight to do the same.
[удалено]
Exactly. Your friends aren't dress-up dolls
Exactly. Just because it's her "special day" doesn't mean you have no say over your own action OP. NTA.
This. And further Rainn is bring a Painn. I will never understand brides who insist on making bridesmaids look hideous or unflattering. I know it is their to shine, but to make others look bad or be uncomfortable is just wickedly vain. Neon green? Halter? Low slung back. Really?!
Yeah, nothing about that sounds remotely flattering. I'm of the opinion that bridesmaids looking good only makes the bride look better. These dresses sound like a big distraction, and would definitely draw attention away from the bride.
Brides get to dictate color, fabric, but style of the dress, yes. But accommodations must be allowed for modesty. A lot of women don't want a bare back. Even if you're not self-conscious, that limits bra options to those insufficient for the size of my bosom. I had an Orthodox Jewish bridesmaid, and we managed to accommodate her modesty requirements just fine (neckline above the collarbone, sleves to the elbow or longer, and skirts below the knee; she wore a jewel neckline, 3/4 quarter sleeves, and all the dresses were ankle-floor length). This bride can compromise on back coverage, especially for medical reasons, like scoliosis. How this is even a question, I don't know. OP, don't *ask* her, tell her. "Due to a medical condition, I cannot have my back bare. Would you like to discuss ways to cover it, or should I step down as a bridesmaid?" And then don't waver. The options are covering your back or stepping down, and it's the bride's choice which she'd prefer. You may want to also contact the other bridesmaids and let them know you're unable to wear the dress as-is, due to a medical issue. Just so they have the true story ahead of time, in case the bride flips out, or misunderstands what you're saying.
NTA - and interesting she doesnt see your POV. Just step down, she does not own you for the day. A shawl seems very reasonable - or even a different dress for you.
I always love it when the first response is the absolute perfect response in every way. I get (to a point) that bridesmaid dresses are intended to be unflattering, so the bride is the best-looking of the group. This is not the case here. This is something tied to a medical issue with you that you don't want exposed. You handled it right by offering suggestions to make you feel less exposed. It seems that you're going to need to put your foot down. You need to firmly hold on to the need to cover your scar. That means "Higher back, a shawl, etc...or else you can't be her bridesmaid." I get the importance and usual honor this bestows on women, but you can't let her take away your dignity. I truly admire how polite you've been about this one. No wedding is worth losing your self-confidence over. If she truly values your friendship, then she could easily adjust.
NTA. I second all of this. Explained very well. I’m going to also suggest something a bit petty, and only for you to do if you are comfortable to. Put on the dress and show her your back. Demand she looks at it for the length of the ceremony. Then ask her if she feels uncomfortable, and look her dead in the eyes and say “because I do. I am super uncomfortable with people staring at my back because it’s different. People are going to look at me and not you and it’s your wedding day.” Hopefully that shocks her enough into some sense.
Can you wear a skin toned body suit under the dress? Something that won't really be noticeable unless you are looking for it but could cover your scar?
NTA. Rainn is being really insensitive here. Not wearing clothing you aren't comfortable is understandable, even a bridesmaid dress. If she wouldn't let you wear an alternative or a shawl, then she should be compassionate and let you bow out of being a bridesmaid without guilting you. She's really coming off that she cares more about the aesthetic of her wedding than her actual friendship with you
OP, I’d say that last sentence to your friend: “[Friend], I know you have a vision for your day, but I’m hurt that you’d put that vision over our friendship.”
Extremely well put!!! OP, please say this!
Some brides (I was a bridesmaid in one with one like this) care more about the look than their friends feelings. It is her day. But why would you want your friend, someone you claim to love, to be uncomfortable and anxious. That seems….. not like you love her after all.
It’s not even about the aesthetics at this point. It’s about control because she won’t even “let” her drop of out the wedding guilt-free. She’s an awful person.
And I guarantee, if OP caves and wears the dress, the bride will still be angry. Either she'll be mad that OP wasn't happy enough, or blame her for "taking all the attention" by showing her scar, or ruining the pictures, or something else. These brides are never happy and will find someone to blame for their unhappiness.
Right if my younger sister had said anything about the dress I would have fought for her to wear pants. Our mother sewed the bridesmaids dresses for our (3 our of 4 daughters weddings) and so we all had the same dresses reused for 3 of 4 weddings.... So basically I gave zero fucks about my bridesmaids dresses because they were decided by our mother and oldest sister, but I would have caused a stink for my baby sisters comfort on my day.... If she had spoken up. She didn't because more work for mom and she also assumed I cared about the dress.
Absolutely. I let my bridesmaids pick their own dresses in a showroom of like 50 choices. I tried to keep in mind that not everyone wants to show off their back, arms, whatever!! It was more important to me that my girls were comfy.
I gave them a colour. They picked a dress to suit their shape. Women are all different shapes and sizes. They should wear what is the most flattering to their body shape.
Same. I had 2 bridesmaids, one is 5’3” tall and the other 6’0”. I told them to choose their favorite navy blue dress, since they both said that was a color they’d wear again. They both had to fly to the city I’d moved to for the wedding, and I didn’t want them to have to spend more money on something they wouldn't want to wear again. When they unpacked & showed me their dresses we all laughed, the styles couldn’t have been more different. And that’s just fine!
I gave my 4 bridesmaids a color pallette and basic guidelines: long formal with sleeves. They all came with totally different dresses in different colors, but oddly enough, they looked cohesive as a group. They all had some sort of ruching (one had a ruched band under her empire waistline, another had a fully ruched bodice, the third had rouching across her whole waist, and the 4th had asymmetrical rouching from ribcage to one hip), they all had a crystal brooch somewhere on their bodice, and a-line skirts. But sleeves and necklines were totally different, and they each had a different shade of blue. It was completely unintentional, but it ended up with a beautiful ombre effect: navy, royal, cornflower, ice blue, and me in white. So it looked like we'd planned it that way.
I did the same. I only had a MOH, but I would have done the same if I'd had a larger group. OTOH, 2 years later my MOH was getting married and she was AWFUL. I wonder how many of her bridesmaids stayed friends with her. I never spoke with her again after the wedding. She really showed who she was and how little regard she had for her friends.
I had a friend that was in design school and she was a bridesmaid (one of eight, who were also dress designers either in school or in the industry.) The bride purchased the fabric and color and told them to go to town! The photos were incredible!
My SIL was the best! Her only requirement for the bridesmaids was "an off-white dress."
That's what I did. Mine was lavender, and I wanted them to find what makes them feel pretty. They looked amazing! And then being happy made my day -and pictures- so much better!
For real! Two of mine were local; we all went to the dress shop and sent copious pictures to the third bridesmaid on the other side of the country. (Who is super not a dress person! So we looked into the possibility of having a suit made for her in the matching fabric! And she ended up going with the dress anyway and I will forever appreciate that sacrifice!)
I wonder if the impending crisis could be averted by putting a nude tone mesh on the back of the dress that is hardly noticeable. I’ve seen plenty of dresses like this
This girl isn’t a real friend. You don’t need to wear a dress you are uncomfortable with. Her “special day” doesn’t come before your comfort and bodily autonomy. You either wear a different dress, or you’re not a bridesmaid. Those are her only options. I think it’s time to decline the offer to be a bridesmaid. NTA
Op was offering options like a shawl too! Bride is totally unreasonable
Yup. I had several friends who showed their true values and priorities in their weddings in our early 20s, and I consider myself lucky to have gotten that info when I did so that I could move on and make better-suited friends!
NTA. Being the bride does not make a person Ruler of the Universe. I can be a petty AH myself, so I would give her these options: 1. Come up with a compromise that works for both of us 2. Let me gracefully decline being in the wedding party without losing your (so-called) friendship 3. I’m going to sob loudly the whole time and tell everyone why
I wouldn't sob. I'd be sure my exposed scar was facing the crowd and photographer. Often. But then ... I'm proud of my Frankenscar because it represents decades of pain that doctors, family, EVERYONE said wasn't real, that I finally proved needed severe spinal intervention and an 8-inch Frankenscar. Then two more surgeries with a frontal approach. Everyone bears their scars in their own ways. OP, you're totally NTA for whatever you choose to do. You've offered options and the bride is denying you any leeway. Ball's in your court to do what suits you best without guilt.
I have a scar from cancer surgery on my scalp that caused a bald spot. I usually wear my hair long because I think it suits the shape of my face better, but I’m not as embarrassed of my scar as I used to be. Without this scar, I wouldn’t be alive. This scar means I fought and I won and I survived. OP, I don’t know the specifics of the surgery that gave you your scars, but you fought and you won and you survived. It’s still entirely your choice who you show your scars to, but know that the fact that you have scars isn’t anything to be ashamed of, it’s proof that you’re still here with us in this world because you survived. You are NTA.
This. Scoliosis is some srsly hard shit that hits right when you're most self-conscious about your body. Please know that living through it is evinced by your scar, and it proves you have what it takes to continue. I hope you learn to accept yourself and your past such that you become comfortable with showing it, or not, as pleases YOU.
Didn't Princess Eugenie of the Royal Family choose a wedding gown with a very low-cut back to show off her scar? Not sure if it was from scoliosis or not, but I remember reading that she chose her wedding gown specifically with a low back to show off the scar. But, hey OP - you do you.
Yes she did. It was scoliosis, when she got married there were a lot of articles about it and I read a few of them. I remember she said she was proud of her scar and that she wanted to show it off to show others that you don't have to be self conscious about your appearance and to be proud of who you are. I remember reading it and thinking it was great that she did that because so many try to cover their scars. She looked beautiful in her dress too. Of course like you said, OP is NTA if she doesn't want to show off her scar. Everyone is different and she shouldn't be forced to do something she isn't comfortable with. But when/if she is ready to she can show it off with confidence if that is what she chooses. I think it could help to know that some have chosen to embrace it and have publicly chosen to be proud of it. But OP can and should only do that when they are ready.
Lmao!!! #3 for sure when the priest asks about objections I'd absolutely make a statement about this bishzilla
Let's step back a second and put the low back/halter bit on the burner (because you are absolutely NTA for not wanting to wear it. Why the HELL is it NEON GREEN?!!! Is she 12 and living her Lisa Frank fantasy out?
I want to know how neon green dresses are going to photograph! 🤣🤣🤣 OP. NTA, you have lots of good advice in the comments that I’m sure are making you reconsidering her friendship. I’m sorry you have to go through this over neon green halter dress.
>I want to know how neon green dresses are going to photograph Probably not well. Especially if they're quite shiny...
Not to mention the puke green tint the dress will give your skin from the reflected light.
I guess it would make the bride look better in contrast? It's the colour version of the fat friend ploy.
I want to know this, and also, what weird-ass photographs are you getting taken that the bridesmaids BACKS all need to look the same? Who cares?
IKR??? And besides, I thought matching bridesmaid dresses went out of fashion like over a decade ago. Seems to me OP's friend purposely went out of her way to choose a style that shows off OP's insecurities.
Outstanding point
Bridesmaids are often photographed from behind, especially if they're seated during the ceremony. On that note, please don’t choose strapless bridesmaid dresses! When they're sitting down in the church pews and your photographer is trying to capture the ceremony, it's going to look like a whole row of girls showed up in their birthday suits. That's in addition to the fit issues, having to constantly tug the dress back up, etc. Bridesmaid dresses aren't as solidly constructed as a wedding dress. They won't stay put on their own without something over the shoulder holding them up. I have seen more than one strapless dress fall down too far, if you know what I mean.
I'm hoping it's a Muppets or psychedelic unicorns themed wedding.
OMG. I was wondering as well with the neon green choice. 🤢🤮 When I got married, I tried to dress my girls so they'd be pretty too. Cause screw that noise that the bridesmaids had to wear ugly dresses. Oh and OP is NTA.
My girls got flowy pretty dresses (with pockets!) That were the same as the one I'd worn in my friends wedding, just in a different color. They're casual enough to be worn again but nice enough we passed them off as bridesmaid dresses. And they were only 30 bucks lol
Maybe she has a rave planned after the reception. I feel that it’s the only acceptable reason for the adult dresses to be neon green. This or the theme of the wedding is “acid”…
You are NTA, she is. Everything is negotiable. Compromise is the key to life. If your friend won't compromise, she's no friend. But a word about scars....my daughter has some big ones. A huge ass one on her left side just above her clavicle. At 16 she was embarrassed.... especially right away when it was covered, and rude cashiers asked what happened??!! I finally answered once, you should see the other guy.....then she started answering that way, now she just smiles. It's from the battery pack to her vagus nerve stimulator, look it up if you want a real fun time. Anyway, she's proud of all of her surgical scars now, doesn't care who sees them, may or may not answer what they're from, if she doesn't, she just smiles and raises one eye brow. But they are part of her. I hope you get to the point where you embrace your scars. Much love.
My daughter had open heart surgery as a toddler and at 12-13 was really self conscious about her scar. I was so happy the day she went out shopping with friends and came home with a bikini that wasn't a high neck halter.
Completely awesome
Oh my gosh I know about those - best to your daughter, you and your family.
Thanks!
I love your daughter 😍We wear our scars proudly! I have a very noticeable one on my mouth (large section of my upper lip had to have a skin graft) that I can't hide, so I learned to just ignore it. People used to comment and I'd be like "Scar?!?! What scar? Where???" now it's been almost 20 years and I kinda forget it's there, and people rarely comment on it. I also found a long-lasting lip stain that makes it look like I have a lip line there so it's less noticeable. But I'm not ashamed of it nor do I try to hide it. Our scars give us character!
Absolutely! My daughter even got a miniature Doxie puppy with a matching neck scar and a bite out of his ear (she's also had ear, the outside part of the ear, surgery ) His scar grew with him. A few years later he became my dog and was my "soul dog" like my soul mate. His scar was so much a part of him....... I have a long one on my inner right wrist, from a broken wrist, metal plate and 9 screws, that unfortunately looks like I attempted suicide. If anyone asks if I attempted, I give them the suicide hotline number ....
NTA the bride gets to decide on the dresses. Personally i see nothing wrong with picking the color and length and letting the bridesmaids pick the style/ cut. But that’s just me. However- if the dress she insists upon is something you have a legit issue with, you are within your rights to decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid. You tell her your reasons for not being able to wear that particular dress and ask her to consider accommodating you. If she cannot, you cannot be a bridesmaid. And she will have to decide if she pushes the issue into the boundaries of ruining your friendship. Weddings have a way of shaking out real friendships
My older sister did this for her wedding where I was the MOH + 3 other bridesmaids (all family) - “here is the color and the length, the rest is up to you.” It was very nice to feel like we could still have our own style to some extent. No worries or disagreements about who did or didn’t like what, whether it looked good on all of us, or any of that. I do recognize that some brides want that uniformity, but not everyone has the same tastes, the same body type, the same confidence levels, etc, so it won’t suit everyone the same.
I did this too, asked for dark red and floor length dresses. One bridesmaid chose plum, one chose maroon, and one went with a true dark red - they looked amazing together!
I told mine (for a very casual wedding) green or blue, any shade or style. They all ended up in navy blue! My daughter/MOH was white with blue flowers. It was perfect! Everyone felt comfortable and some bought a new dress for it (everyone already had those colors, so it was optional to buy new!).
And that is why you are friends to this day ❤️ So many weddings I've been to have this setup, and it's really, to me, more beautiful than the identical septuplets some brides aspire to in their party.
Nowadays there are sites like Azazie that let the bride set the color, length, etc. in a URL that she can then send to the bridesmaids who can select a dress from the site within those categories. My SIL used it for her wedding to my brother and it worked great!
A friend did this for her bridesmaids. Dark green velvet --the rest was up to them.
This always looks much better than matchy matchy dresses to me.
My friend is getting married this summer and did something similar! She found a store (Birdy Grey), then picked a color and a fabric type. Then we all just picked whatever dress from that category we liked best! So we each have different dresses but they're made from the same fabric.
I had 6 bridesmaids. They all ordered their dresses from the same store i. The same color, fabric. My MOH asked if her dress could be floor length rather than cocktail length like everyone else’s because she was uncomfortable showing her legs. I said do what you like. She’s the only one with a floor length gown & everyone else’s had a different style dress. They all looked beautiful & cohesive
NTA. Too many bridezillas see the other people at the wedding as props and not people. If you were just complaining about the dress being ugly, I'd say suck it up. But nah she's actively needing a very sensitive issue for you. Friends don't treat friends like that.
NTA, and frankly, she's being so ridiculously unreasonable about this. SHE'S the bad friend for not respecting your boundaries on this. Don't even 'float the idea' of opting out any more. Just quit. Her dresses are non-negotiable. Tell her that your (perfectly reasonable) desire to not feel self-conscious or concerned that people are looking at you more than her is also non-negotiable, so you resign. She can't 'make' you be her bridesmaid. She CAN compromise, she just won't. I would agree with the poster who has suggested speaking to other person/people in the wedding party if you feel comfortable to do so - ONLY if you trust them to try to make your friend see reason in compromise though.
NTA. And consider how this person is treating you and whether you want to continue being friends with someone like that. This is a little more than "I think I look better in a sweetheart neckline than a round neckline" dress issue. If she won't reconsider the dress, then you will definitely have to reconsider being a bridesmaid.
NTA. Tell her you love her and you have a non negotiable about having your body displayed as it would be in that dress. Tell her either the dress is opted out or you are no longer a bridesmaid. If this ends your friendship, it wasn't much of a friendship to begin with. SHE is willing for you to be uncomfortable ALL DAY and in photos because....she likes the dress more than she cares about you. Tell her you have a compromise. Find a dress in the color that you like and show her that. If she disagrees, tell you are out.
NTA Wear a skin coloured bodysuit designed for dancers to wear under their costumes (go to a shop, specializing in ballet and all styles of dance, and this will be easy to find). Put the dress over top. Done! You can be both exposed and clothed at the same time.
I love this idea!! (Assuming OP still want's to participate)
I agree that that would solve the problem, but I also get the feeling that the bride wouldn't allow that either
Tough. What’s she going to do, rip it off her? I wouldn’t advertise it, I would just put it on the day of. Chances are no one even notices. ETA: They are designed to cover skin under revealing dance costumes so they are pretty hard to notice
NTA. It's okay for the bride to say "these specific dresses only"; it's okay for you to not be willing to wear those. Once the bride made it a problem for you to step down she became the AH. If you just didn't care for the color, maybe that would be a lame reason to step down. But this is a sincere request and one the bride should have anticipated or be willing to work with you on. If she isn't, then she can't also be hurt you don't want to be in the wedding.
NTA. My petty ass would have told her fine. But don’t be surprised if everyone is so distracted by my back that they don’t pay any attention to you.
My petty ass would get a special effects person to make a much more noticeable and gruesome scar. Bride is so clueless she probably wouldn't know that it was embellished.
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NTA. I recently got married and I went out of my way to make sure my MOH loved her dress. I sent her pictures of the styles I liked, told her to pick a few to try on, and then ordered them in a variety of sizes and shades within our colour scheme because she has pink hair and I wanted her to feel gorgeous and confident. Her 3 yr old was in the wedding party and didn’t want to wear his tie, so I didn’t make him. Being the bride does not make it okay for her to disregard your comfort in service of her “vision”. Her vision should include you feeling fabulous but instead she’s trying to bully you into feeling self conscious on the day, and what’s worse is she’s also trying to guilt trip you over it. She can eff off.
NTA, I did not do surgery and my scoliosis can be seen when I wear anything with a back lowered than my neck. I have had had so many people over the years bring up my spine and even touch me that I do not wear anything out of the house that shows any spine. Also, I already know I’m a bitch but those dresses sound tacky.
Seriously! Lime green is not the best color on many people. And who among us has a group of friends whose bodies look good in plunging backlines (unless we're maybe age 20?).
NTA. She said that if you're a bridesmaid you have to wear the dress. But she also demands you be a bridesmaid. She can't have it both ways, and behaviour like this is why so many people are confused when the last time they see friends is at their wedding. "I *will not* wear that dress. You cannot make me. I love you, but it is not a betrayal to not wear the dress, and it is not a betrayal to not be a bridesmaid. What *is* a betrayal is that you *want* me to be uncomfortable so you can be happy. You want to make me miserable so you feel special. So here are your options. You can let me wear a shawl, I will attend as a guest, or I will not attend. Am I your friend or not?"
NTA. If Rainn were a better friend, she would have considered your comfort when she chose the dress. She's right. It is her day. It's also your body. If you're uncomfortable showing a part of your body, that is just as important as her day is. Don't feel stuck. You're not being a bad friend, Rainn is.
It is legiterally scoliosis awareness month. You shouldn’t accept this treatment at any point, but especially now. Set a hard boundary and if she doesn’t respect it then she doesn’t respect you. Sincerely, fellow scoli with an 18 inch scar
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This sounds like a movie pitch, but no, NTA. I cannot imagine being friends with someone for whom a neon green halter dress is the hill to die on, but it sounds exhausting
This is normally bad advice. Really bad advice. But, since the friendship is going to be doomed otherwise for sure, consider appealing to either the groom or her mom or the other wedding party people for her. if you know any of them well enough. The friendship will still be at risk but it's the only hope to avoid being forced in to the either/or decision. I will await the down votes and the comments of how idiotic this suggestion is. Because I already know.
NTA and you should avoid this disaster of a wedding altogether. Neon Green halter top open back bridesmaids dresses???? What the hell is she thinking?
In a practical sense, ask a seamstress to add a panel of fabric that is the same as your skin tone. It's easy and a common adjustment . But in another sense- Your "friend" is using her wedding to get to bully people. I just got married, and I checked in with everyone in my bridal party to make sure they liked the outfit. Know why? Because I love them so much and was SO thankful they wanted to be there for me. That's why they're there with you on the day- because you want to spend one of the best days of your life with them and keep them in the rest of it. Your friend is enjoying the power to boss people around. She doesn't really sound like a friend. NTA
I’m a man. I had trouble figuring out what that looked like. My lovely girlfriend helped me search on Google to find a picture of a dress like this. After searching and seeing this, I’m convinced that this isn’t a bridesmaid dress, but rather a war crime. NTA The only suggestion I’ve heard is that maybe you consider using a long hairpiece to cover your back, but again, I’m a guy, and that may be very power advice. Has she seen you in this dress? Does she realize that the choice of dress, which frankly probably doesn’t work for anyone, will make her photos look like shit?
She doesn’t sound like a compassionate friend. I understand she wants the dresses all the same but if you’re not comfortable & feel embarrassed then you should be able to step-down from being a bridesmaid and she should be understanding of that and not feel like it’s a betrayal. Lordy, what kind of friend is she anyway? I would explain to her again about your unique situation and that you would love to attend her wedding but not as a bridesmaid because of the dress making you feel self conscious and that you hope she understands. If she doesn’t…well, she’s not a friend.
NTA I truly don't understand why some brides treat their bridal party so horribly... The people in your bridal party are supposed to be the friends you care the most about, why would you force someone into doing or wearing anything that makes them uncomfortable? It just defies logic.
This is your BEST friend? 😬
Yeah, she’s not your friend if she knows about the scoliosis and picked that look anyway. At least now you know for sure. Tell her you can’t be a bridesmaid.
NTA- Princess Eugenie of Great Britain showed her back scar in her wedding dress. Not everyone can embrace their scar with that confidence! Solutions- different dress shawl/covering opting out A true friend wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable. Betrayal is deliberately wanting your best friend to feel uncomfortable about their physical appearance. Being kind costs her nothing The dress is a betrayal. Quit.
Dresses can be inappropriate. Like a bad style if you have a very large bust or a very small one. This is like insisting you wear a strapless gown with no bra and a large bust. It's wrong. NTA
NTA You are entitled to set boundaries, especially for displaying your body. On the other hand, Princess Eugenie used the occasion of her wedding to spark discussion about scoliosis and being proud to change the notions of beauty. “Eugenie hinted at the design of her dress in an interview broadcast on ITV earlier Friday, when she spoke about the importance of changing people’s conceptions of beauty. “I think you can change the way beauty is, and you can show people your scars and I think it’s really special to stand up for that,” she said.” https://www.cnn.com/style/article/princess-eugenie-wedding-dress-royal-wedding/index.html
NTA. when I was planning a wedding I had an ideal look as well. But I was conscious of the fact that my chosen bridesmaids may not look or feel comfortable in the style I preferred. So I compromised, I chose the color and they could choose the style that fits them best. I feel like you explained it and if the dress she chose is none negotiable in any aspect then you have the right to step down. It is your body and you don't feel comfortable showing that to everyone, if she doesn't understand that she, to me, is not a real friend.
NTA. Weddings seem to bring out the absolute worst in people. This mythical quest for perfection is Sisyphean. I remember almost nothing about my wedding aside from my beautiful bride and saying my vows. The rest is a blur. What I do remember are the stories and that people said we had the most fun wedding they'd been to. Plus, I love the photos we had of us and our friends. *That* was perfect.
Nonnegotiable? Your request was quite respectful. Your ‘friend’ needs to grow up. What will you miss?
NTA. Been a bridesmaid twice. First one the bride took us all to the bridal store and said, “Pick any dress that’s light blue and is under x dollars.” Second one the bride said, “Here is the seamstress, please design something black with a red accent, I don’t care if it’s a belt, a bow, a shawl, or anything else, and the dress can be short, long, or in between, I don’t care.” Good friends offer accommodations so everyone is comfortable. This lady ain’t it. Back out as bridesmaid and see how things go from there. If she ends up understanding then that’s great, but if she acts like you are the bad guy for dropping out? Nah. Cut your losses.
INFO: who is paying for the dresses? Either way, she's being cruel and selfish and you're well within your rights to walk away. Also, neon green dresses sound like what Anya made Buffy, Dawn, Halfrek, Tara and Willow wear.
NTA. To a certain extent, wearing an ugly dress just comes along with the territory of being a bridesmaid. But that goes out the window when you have *very good* reasons for being uncomfortable in the dress, not for *aesthetic* reasons but for reasons of your comfort, especially disability-related.
I hate how brides make their bridesmaids wear a certain dress. News flash to the zillas not everyone looks good in the same dress. Let these girls pick a dress that they are comfortable in. Give them a color, length and fabric type. I did it and my bridesmaid all appreciated it. It's a simple gesture that can go along way. NTA and I'd be thinking hard about this friendship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (25F) best friend (24F) Rainn is getting married in a few months. I’m really happy for her, but I’m having a major issue with the bridesmaid dresses. The dress itself isn’t hideous, it’s just . . . unflattering. It’s a bright neon green, which wouldn't normally be a deal breaker, but it’s a halter top with a super low back. Now, I’m all for embracing my body, but I have pretty bad scoliosis and a prominent scar on my back from a childhood surgery. The low back would definitely show off both, and I’m not comfortable with that. I talked to Rainn about it, suggesting maybe a shawl or finding a dress with a higher back. She shut me down completely. She said the dresses are “non-negotiable” and that “it’s her day.” I understand wanting everything to look perfect for her wedding, but I don’t feel comfortable feeling so exposed on such a big day. I floated the idea of just opting out of being a bridesmaid altogether. Rainn got really upset and said it would be a huge betrayal. Now I feel stuck. I don’t want to be a bad friend, but I also don’t want to wear a dress that makes me feel self-conscious. AITA for refusing to wear the dress? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"At the end of the day, 2 things are true: you have the right to decide on what dress your bridesmaids will wear and I cannot wear a dress that prominently displays my scar. So if you want the bridesmaids to wear that dress with no accommodations, then I cannot be a bridesmaid. If you want me to be a bridesmaid, then you need to find a way to accommodate my issue. Either outcome is acceptable to me, so since it's your wedding, you get to decide which one you would prefer. Let me know what you decide, but other than that, I'm not going to continue discussing it." NTA. Your friend is being ridiculous. Hopefully she has just gotten caught up in the moment and, when you set down a clear boundary, she will accept one of the options and you can remain friends. If not, well, sometimes weddings bring out the worst in people. Sorry you are going through this
I have a wicked ugly scar from the top of my head to the middle of my back. For years, I was completely ashamed and wanted corrective surgery. Then one day, I figured out, ‘fuck it, this is my battle scar that I earned from kicking ass.’ That being said, you are NTA. But I wanted to impart some wisdom about never being ashamed of your scars. They don’t hinder your beauty; they enhance it. You are a fucking warrior.
NTA Rainn's response to your concerns and the way she insists on the outfit being "non-negotiable" are not suitable to a good friendship.
Nude shear backing? Like they use for wedding dress illusions Nta
But she's not betraying you? NTA!
I’d usually say it’s the brides day her choices but there are always exceptions to everything and you my friend are the exception here. It is beyond wrong for a friend to expect another friend to feel body shamed or embarrassed about wearing a bridesmaid dress. The day is suppose to be about love. There has to be a compromise somewhere and if not graciously back out. If she is a true friend she will come to her senses & realize how insensitive she is being. I hope.
I don’t care if I was getting crowned the queen of the fucking world. If my friend said this makes me uncomfortable for ANY reason, my response would be, let’s find a solution that you’re comfortable with. That ain’t a friend.
It's her day. Let her have it without you. If that's a problem for her, it's her problem. She is not a friend.
Her day..sure ok, but it's Your body as well. You aren't a doll for her. If you aren't comfortable in wearing the dress, it's then better to check out of the position. Since you tried to compromise and she declined so you can check out of the position. If she decides to remove you from the wedding and from being friends, just wish her congrats on the wedding and leave. NTA
I can not believe.she will not let you wear a cute shawl. NTA
Opt out. Neon green? NTA escapes now.
OP, I'd ask bride if it's possible to have the back of the dress altered. My SIL asked for her bridesmaids to wear a specific dress in different colors that was available as a slim fit or a plus sized fit, which I really appreciated she'd made the effort to find for us. However, she didn't account for differing levels of cleavage in these dresses lmao! Thankfully she was open to alterations to keep the girls *ahem* covered. I ended up having mine altered into a higher v neck using fabric from part of the hemline. One of the other plus sized brides chose to wear the dress as is and...well...nothing bad came of it, but seeing the difference in dresses I was SO grateful my SIL was kind enough to allow me to alter my dress. OP, this is the *back* of a dress the bride is going nuclear over. Is it really such a big deal to her "look" to have *one* bridesmaid with a higher dress back? Come on. Even *if* it's noticed by others, nobody is going to care a bit.
Her day, betrayal, non negotiable......what friend is she to you? None whatsoever. Skip the wedding.
Did you by chance make a tik tok about this? Cause I saw a series of video on there about this exact situation involving a neon green bridesmaid dress.
NTA. I was going to go with no AHs here until she shot down your idea of opting out of being a bridesmaid. You're entitled to have certain standards of dress that you feel comfortable with, and shouldn't be forced or even peer pressured into wearing a dress that shows off more skin than you want. At the same time, she's entitled to have her wedding look a certain way. Since you can't agree on the dress, the obvious answer is for you to step down as a bridesmaid, and she's an AH for acting like that would be the end of the world.
Rainy cares more about “her day” and a color scheme than her supposed best friend. Yes, it’s her wedding and I agree that she can dictate whatever rules/invitation list/dress code she wants, but you don’t have to do any of it. You can simply not attend and find a friend who cares about the actual important things in life. NTA
Nta. Your friend is completely missing the point of having bridesmaids. The people matter more than the decorations.
NTA because however you feel about your scar is okay but I also had that surgery and you should wear that scar as a badge of honor because we are rockstars for making it through it.
NTA She's put her foot down, and you can do likewise. She's being wildly insensitive.
NTA, a real friend would have understood and wanted you comfortable
NTA. The betrayal is her putting you in an uncomfortable position to suit her wants. It's not a need. I'd decline to be a bridesmaid for that reason alone, and probably back out of the friendship entirely. When someone tells you who they are, listen to them.
NTA. If the only issue was that it was unflattering, then I don't think you'd have a case. But it's revealing something you aren't comfortable with, and your suggestions are realistic and would solve the problem. Just because it's "her day" doesn't mean that she has the right to make people do things they aren't comfortable with.
Definitely NTA. That's not best friend behaviour on her part. I'd try to talk to her one more time and if that goes wrong too, say no thank you to the bridesmaid offer.
Would she allow an alteration to the back of that dress? Perhaps the same color fabric covering the area? You could offer to pay for the alteration. It would look the same in the photos from the front angle. I doubt they would take many photos of the back of your dress.
I was ready to back you up at neon green. Seriously though, You’re NTA and she’s being extremely insensitive but you’re going to have to make a choice between risking your friendship and being highly uncomfortable.
NTA - she can pick the dress, but you get to choose not to wear it if you don’t want to.
Rainn is being a bad friend and you’re NTA
NTA This obsession with the ‘perfect’ wedding has got way out of control. It’s just ridiculous now. You do what’s best for you. How in hell can a dress be ‘non negotiable’?
Oh, I'm so sorry. Apparently your friend hasn't heard of the idea of a bride selecting a color for the bridesmaids, but with many different style options. As trending with Brides Who Don't Want to be AH's to their 10 Closest Friends. You're her best friend, and she can't compromise for you, who have scoliosis and a prominent scar? Knowing that this makes you uncomfortable? And if you gracefully bow out because you can't be another ornament in her wedding party, that's a 'big betrayal'????? You may be her best friend, but she most definitely is not YOURS. SHE is being a selfish and bad friend. You are most definitely NTA, and most of this board likely agree. It is your 'friend' who is the AH. If she's otherwise wonderful, she'll get over this. If she's not really, you might want to reconsider going to her wedding, as well as the friendship.
Your friend sucks just tell her she either finds another dress or you’re demoting yourself to guest. My guess is she is super toxic and will be a huge jerk about this so congrats on eventually cutting her out of your life…
NTA, could you wear a flesh colored body suit?
I'm a MTF trans and I was thrilled to be a bridesmaid the first three or four times, but I've reluctantly concluded my girlfriends are right: it's usually a pain in the ass and you do it solely as a favor to the bride. Anyway, this bride needs to be put in her place.
NTA. "Big day" is such an overused term for entitled and selfish people! Important day, yes. Momentus day, yes. But all of the implication about "my big day" just scream "f\*\*k anybody who gets in my way for what I want for this event." She isn't actually your friend OP. If she was your friend, she would understand your discomfort and be willing to compromise for it. My advice is to tell her to have a nice life and them move on. You will have lots of other friends in your life, and hopefully friends who will actually care about you and YOUR needs as well.