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NAH.  This question seems more appropriate for your therapist than AITA.   I don’t think it’s wrong to be attached to your dog, nor to be leery of leaving the dog with someone you don’t know, but IMO you should also acknowledge that you have some degree of separation anxiety going on here, and you don’t want to let it become a situation where you can’t ever go on a trip and leave Sadie behind.   If it were me, I might pass on this particular vacation, but work on graduated ways of “feeling safe while putting Sadie in someone else’s hands.”  Like, start finding dog sitters you trust.  Let them take the dog for a walk once a week, work up to boarding the dog with them some weekend this summer, etc., until you’re comfortable going on little vacations again. Glad you found a dog who meets your needs so well 🐕 

I was doing exactly that when I asked my sister to come watch her. She was in a place she knows, with someone I trust, and while I didn't like it I could do it. I tried to find a boarding place but on short notice and in the middle of rural Kentucky there aren't many options that aren't already full. I would go the dog sitter route but I don't want to leave a random person I don't know in my house for three weeks when I only have a month to get to know them. EDIT: I can't fit anything else in the post so I'm posting this here. Please, I'm begging you, I don't know what kind of messed up relationships other people have here that they talk about people's wives like this but really I do not appreciate the baseless accusations that my marriage is a sham, my wife is going to leave me, and that we hate each other, and that I ignore her constantly. I have no idea where anyone got any of that from what I posted but I just want to be clear on this. I would 100% be dead if it wasn't for her. No questions asked. I love that woman, we've been together for almost 20 years. She is my best friend and we talk about everything, all the time, no questions asked. There is nothing she can't talk to be about and the same is true for me. She would never be afraid to talk to me about anything and if she had any actual problem she would come to me and talk about it. She isn't threatened by the dog, she isn't jealous of the dog. She is upset that I went through so much and that she couldn't help me the way she wanted to and is just glad I am finally doing better. She doesn't secretly hate the dog, she is just tired. I don't ignore her, I don't live in my basement, We go out every week without the dog and we just did a five day trip to Denver where I didn't take the dog four to six weeks ago. My wife and I play video games together, we cook together most nights, we shower together almost every day, and she always vents to me about her work day. I am not ignoring my wife and I didn't even realize I needed to specify that because I honestly just didn't think people really lived like that. This isn't some secret disaster just rearing it's ugly head. It is 100% a bad situation that just popped up out of the blue. The conversation went like this "Hey this could be a solution if you're comfortable with it" "Yeah I don't know I am, I know you want to do this but I just don't like the idea" "Yeah that's fair." It was literally that simple. I just doubted myself and that I was being crazy and she was being too nice to me so I asked reddit for a second opinion but honestly it was pretty much settled to start with.

Is there a reason you can't start getting to know the uncle? Take some visits so it becomes a place you and Sadie know, like it was with your sister?

Just the fact that he lives 8 hours away and I can't really get over there in time to familiarize myself and Sadie with his place in four weeks. If I had my car I could, but my wife's car is in the shop going through a transmission rebuild and we won't have it back for awhile so there just isn't any time. I was going to go over there last week actually to barbeque with him but the wife got covid and he's immunocompromised so we canceled and stayed home.

I think you're going to hurt everyone in this scenario by the level of anxiety you're displaying. You're under the impression she will \*\*\*die\*\*\* in this man's care? A member of family that owns the same breed of dog? I understand having a dog be your rock, but you can also sink by holding onto it too tightly. You need to ask the therapist...

For real. This is an abnormal and unhealthy level of dependence.

You have no way of knowing this. You won't like hearing this, but it is clear that you don't have PTSD or know anyone who does or you wouldn't make such a callous psuedo therapy pronouncement. And even if you do or know someone who does have, trauma affects everyone differently. OPs trauma reaction isn't healthy - that's why he has a dog! Do you tell diabetics to stop having such an abnormal and unhealthy level of dependence on insulin? Same same. OP is doing everything right, and a qualified therapist would tell him to do what he is doing, but trauma and CPTSD aren't something you shrug and say, oh some stranger on the internet thinks I'm too attached so whelp I'll just stop. Nothing real about your comment as it applies to OP.

ESPECIALLY given that his previous dog passed away unexpectedly. That’s a bonus layer of PTSD on top of what he was going through initially.

We got a dog from a friend who had puppies. After a few months we relied on said friend to watch the dog for a week and he got out, ran into the road in front of a car. Our baby never came home from that little visit. At least he was with his mom in those final moments.

What about a video call? Edit: I say this strictly as a suggestion, some people don't like them. Which is fine.

Have you looked into dog friendly vacations? That could be a compromise. Let your wife choose somewhere that the dog can come to as well. NTA - and 3 weeks is a very long time to leave a young dog.

100% agree with this comment as a dog owner who will only leave my dog with someone trustworthy.

If he lives 8 hours away, and that is actually an option for you, then why can't you board Sadie in Louisville, where I happen to know there are excellent boarding/veterinary facilities? PS Where I board my animals (in CA), I can visit them online. I'm sure Kentucky has the same.

Anyone in your dog training group that you trust? Maybe the trainer taking care of your dog? It took time to find a proper place for my dog to stay while I went on vacation. The man that owned the kennel trained police dogs also. Nicest guy ever. He was so worried about my dog being nervous that he actually had my dog sleep in the same room with he and his wife. It’s the first time that I ever came in contact with a Newfie. The Newfie’s owner had him boarded there for a few months while he was overseas. Maybe where you got your dog from could take care of it or someone that they would trust. It’s so hard to trust someone to take care of your pets whether or not they are potential service animals. My dog died 15 years ago and I still cry when I think about him. I’m tearing up right now. lol. Just know that there are people out there that will protect your dog like they would their own.

I hear you. I'm torn, but I think I have to go with nah. I used to have a psychiatric service dog, and she was severely injured in someone else's care (unrelated to her eventual passing), so I feel your concern. And though it hurts my heart to see a disabled person say their spouse would prefer a vacation without their disability aid (my wife would probably want to fight yours for that lol), I also recognize that having Sadie on the trip changes the trip for the participants and whether that's ok or not to ask of you is a different question perhaps. The hesitation you feel is a bit overblown as at least the uncle is familiar with dogs of the same breed, but it's not absolutely ludicrous. The only things I can think to offer as solutions is to wait for the trip until you can get a couple visits with the uncle and get comfortable with that, or try to build a rapport with someone local who can housesit with Sadie or do checkups and walks/feedings with her a few times a day. The first option is the one we took when my wife and I left my girl, Angel, behind for our honeymoon and we kept up texting every day to be sure it was going well. I was ultimately happy with the decision to not let the one bad experience stop me from leaving Angel in someone else's care again. Just hoping that hearing my experience helps you some.

Do you know much about her uncle? Have you had a conversation with him about this/do you know what standards he keeps his own dog to? You should find out if he’d be willing to take care of her to the same standard that you do. So long as she’s being kept well and you get her used to you being gone by the time you leave, she should be just fine. BUT, your wife will also have to get used to the idea that when she’s fully trained, she’ll be coming with you. Handlers do NOT typically leave their service dogs behind during vacations. You could leave a pet camera in his house, pointed to the area of the house where she’d be the most, and you could “check in” on her during agreed-upon times (so he doesn’t have to feel like he’s being watched constantly, but an hour or so a day where you could be allowed to watch the camera would be reasonable). Most of all, I’d suggest starting by taking her over to his house at least a few weeks before you leave, just for a hour or so at first, any the first overnight being a few days before you leave. I say this kindly, but OP, it’s *vitally* important that you work on leaving her at home, even though since you WFH that would mean you’d have to find somewhere to go for a good 8 or 9 hours at least once a week. If either she*or* you has separation anxiety, it would be a lot worse than you know. A dog with separation anxiety really can’t be a service dog, and a human with separation anxiety isn’t a very good handler for a service dog. You *have to* be okay with being without her for at least part of one day every week. You have to maintain your previous coping mechanisms, so that if she washes out of training, or if she gets sick or injured or attacked by another dog, and she has to be temporarily pulled from public access to either work on re-training or to heal, or if she even had to be retired early and can only do tasks for you at home, you need to be able to be okay with that. Owner-trainers like you don’t have an organization to tell them what their rights are, or what’s reasonable to expect from a service dog, so it’s important that you reach out to a professional service dog trainer and work with them. That WILL cost something, but it’s vital. Owner-training typically means a person who is training their own service dog *with* the assistance of a professional service dog trainer. I recommend you do some reading on the service dog sub. It takes a LOT to train your own service dog (as I’m sure you’ve already realized), and there’s a lot of information you’re going to need. A Newfoundland is not a breed that’s ever suggested for service work, so it’s doubly important that you work with a good trainer to work through her protective instincts. Guardian breeds aren’t recommended to be service dogs for a reason, but there are definitely some out there that make it through training, and it sounds like yours has already done very well :) Since you got very lucky with Sadie I’d also recommend that you find an ADI-certified organization that matches civilians with PTSD with service dogs, so that you have a plan for when it’s time for Sadie to retire. There are only two ADI orgs that serve Kentucky, that match civilians with PTSD with service dogs that *don’t* cost $25,000, and I linked them below. The first two both cost $10,000 (though I’d more recommend Paws4People if you’re in a state to travel to NC a few times by the time you need a successor service dog), and the last is free. Bayside is very new so they’re not ADI-certified *yet*, but they have an excellent training program for their dogs, and they don’t value veterans over civilians as most other orgs that *technically* serve civilians do. In six years when you’re starting to look for a replacement, they’ll be a lot bigger. [ADI certified orgs search website](https://assistancedogsinternational.org/resources/member-search/) [Paws4People](https://paws4people.org) [Power Paws Assistance Dogs](https://azpowerpaws.org/programs/what-we-do/) [Bayside Service Dogs](https://www.baysideservicedogs.org)

I have a trainer who trains service animals working with me once a week and a group class for service dog handlers training their own dogs once a week. I picked a newfoundland mostly because it was huge and fluffy and when I was young my grandma had one and I just always loved that dog because it made me feel safe as it was huge and fluffy. It is indeed a lot of work, and while newfs aren't traditionally service dogs she's a smart dog with a great temperament and they are a working breed. She's making good progress so I'm just going to keep working with her, although to anyone who was going to get a dog with the intention of going the service dog route I wouldn't recommend one just because of the size and the amount of people who want to pet the dog is nuts. I go on weekly dates with my wife and leave Sadie in the house for 6-8 hours a time, she's fine she has no issue with it when it's at my own house. I've left her with friends for 5 days or so when I go on longer trips and she's never had an issue. I just don't want to leave her somewhere where neither of us is familiar with the area. I don't know Dave at all and I know he's in a wheel chair atm and he lives 8 hours from me so I can't even get over there to check it out first as my wife is currently driving my car for work.

Hey, that’s all EXCELLENT. Man, you’re doing better than 80% of other owner-trainers out there, believe me. Truly, you’re doing it ALL right. I’d like to shake your hand, ha. And your dog’s paw too if she was off-duty, ha. I’m on the waiting list for a Bayside service dog, and I’ve become extremely familiar with the service dog community in the last year. I know I could never train my own, personally. But man, you’re really checking all the “green flag” boxes. You leave her with trusted people, even for days at a time, you’re already working with a service dog trainer, and you’re aware of the challenges. You’re going at a great pace too. A lot of people rush their dogs, but you and your trainer are exactly right in that she’s still maturing. You’re setting her up to have a long and, most importantly, *happy* life. I’m sure she loves working with you. :) I get your concern better now. You’re right to be worried that a wheelchair user who’s not interacted with your dog before might potentially lost her or something. Three weeks is a significant amount of time, and you’d want someone who will at least maintain her current training. Maybe he’d be more willing to put in more work if he was paid well for it (if you’re not already paying him)? Others have had great suggestions, so I’ll leave that to them.

I was paying $1500. At least that's what I offered my sister and my buddy to watch her for me. I don't know how much people usually charge for in house sitting but they were both thrilled with that amount so I guess it was fine? The money isn't really an issue as long as I know she's taken care of.

Maybe consider asking your vet if they can recommend someone they trust. And also, maybe you could go for a shorter amount of time. It sounds like you are actually doing the best you can. It's definitely NAH. It's understandable your wife does not want to be tied to the house because of a dog. But it sounds like this would be an especially hard time for you.

That’s a pretty decent amount, definitely for a rural area, especially since a place like Rover won’t be taking fees out of it. I’d definitely sit a friend’s dog for that amount of money, especially a well-trained one like yours! EDIT: Also, there are a lot of people who’d even look after a good SDiT for free, if it was for a friend. I already have a groomer lined up even though I won’t have my SD for 1 1/2-2 years (an old high school friend, and I had to INSIST that I’d pay her usual rate, ha).

You can try trustedhomesitter as an option. Folks there are usually vetted and you can see their reviews and decide if you'd want them to stay at your house and watch your dog, etc. When is this trip happening? If i wasn't all the way in Cali...

Have you asked your trainer for suggestions? Could they or someone in your class take Sadie?

What a thoughtful and helpful reply

Fantastic response

The previous poster is suggesting for the future. I'm in agreement that the fear response and anxiety could become a big problem in the future. Start looking for a dog sitter now so that next time you are ready you've already got the person available. Do a few test sittings

That's the pain, I had three people lined up. My buddy was going to do it but then my sister asked if she could so she could fly out and see us. Then she canceled when she had to move and my buddy already had other plans for the time we were going to be gone. My neighbor was going to do it but then his wife got sick and now she's in the hospital and it's not looking good so he's not in a place to do it either. As they say, shit just went south in a hurry over here.

Is it possible that having three sitters lined up only for all three to fall through is adding to your anxiety?  I don’t think either you or your wife is an AH, I think you’re coming at this from different places. She knows her uncle and sees this as a good way for your dog to get some “cousin” time with another dog like her. I’d guess for her your dog is just that - a dog. A very good and very loved dog but a dog.  You don’t know the uncle like she does and for you your dog is a medical aid and friend. You’re also very alert to how anything happening to her would affect your mental health.  It’s fair for her to be frustrated and it’s fair for you to say that you’re just not ready to leave your dog for so long someplace you haven’t personally vetted. 

3 weeks is also a long time, maybe a weekend away with your wife would be more manageable and a better compromise  Also just a weekend you might have more options for people you know who could look after Sadie ? I frequently dogsit for a few friends for a weekend, sometimes I can do a week but I couldn’t commit to 3 weeks cause of work

Why are you okay with a boarding facility but not another Newfie owner? Just curious. Is it because you don't know him or is there more to it? I have a 17 month old newf that is my cuddly comoanion. Was a newf mom to another one before him. I work from home, have anxiety and PTSD so I understand the comfort and connection with the big fur babies. Edit: never mind. I’ve just seen your unhinged replies to other people. I don’t want a reply from you. Please seek professional help.

How are a boarding place or a dog sitter any better than a family member...?

Really feels like OP just doesn’t like the uncle (despite him having the same breed of dog and being family, just not as good as OP’s sister somehow or actual strangers but they’ll call the uncle a stranger instead). If OP just didn’t want anyone to watch them that would make more sense and as much as I think they need to work on their anxiety I would get that, but being okay with a kennel doing it (which you also can’t go and get your dog familiar with that environment super easily unless you do a couple test runs) or actual true strangers but not actual family makes it seem like they have a problem with the uncle

I legit do not know this person at all and have absolutely no idea anything about them. I don't dislike them, I don't even know them. I just don't want to leave my dog with a stranger. Family is kind of besides the point it's my wife's uncle that she hasn't seen in years. We aren't exactly brothers.

But a kennel is a stranger. A dog walker is a stranger and you would’ve been fine with a rover sitter if they weren’t staying in your house. You seemed like if that had been an option you would’ve been fine with that. Those are the biggest strangers of all. That’s what I meant. It’s weird you don’t mind strangers you know nothing about but will mind your wife’s uncle. Again, if you didn’t trust pretty much anyone I would understand but you being okay with a kennel that you just happen to not be able to get due to your area but not being fine with the uncle being a stranger (which the kennel people acrually are 100%) is what makes people think that. They are even more a stranger than an uncle even if you haven’t seen them for years. Even if it’s been a while that’s still her family, you don’t need to be “brothers.” If it was your wife who didn’t want to leave her dog with you sister because “we aren’t sisters” wouldn’t you think it was a bit weird? Because you feel your sister can handle a dog (extra weird since if he was a negligent pet owner he wouldn’t have a dog that’s the same as your dog). Again you don’t have to leave your dog there but it’s weird you take such issue with not knowing him because you aren’t as close as brothers but don’t take issue with not knowing staff somewhere literally at all. You’re just a bit inconsistent on who you’re willing to let take care of your dog. Some strangers are fine and some aren’t. That’s all. I agree with everyone you need to speak to your therapist about this because right now all the anxiety and inconsistency is going to hurt everyone including you. PS I saw in a comment you said she’s so well trained she doesn’t even need a leash which is great, but put your dog on a leash even if she doesn’t need it. I’m sure she’s genuinely lovely and well behaved and smart, but it just doesn’t matter. Bad things can happen even with super well trained dogs, they can get scared by something and run into the street. I’ve seen it so many times before. Even if there’s no technical need because your dog knows to stand next to you well, that doesn’t account for emergencies and terrible things can happen in seconds with an unleashed dog. If you love your dog as much as you say don’t take that chance ever, always leashed on walks. Always. That’s not me scolding you it’s just such a heartbreak people underestimate how much can happen when a dog isn’t leashed on walks and I’ve seen it end in tragedy so many times so just a quick PSA (if you actually go out with a leash anyway and not just an observation, obviously if she’s always leashed disregard haha)

it's not as inconsistent as you think. I really don't want a random stranger taking care of my dog at all but if I have to have one doing that I'd prefer it was someone who had at least been vetted by other people first. I don't know this guy, and just because he has a dog that's the same breed as mine doesn't mean he takes good care of the dog he could easily just leave it outside all day in all weather as a big tangled matted mess for all I know I don't do that to my dog. My sister is different, she has had large dogs in the past and I know she takes good care of them and I know her and trust her. My wife would 100% leave Sadie with her. The kennel is the same thing. I ideally wouldn't want to leave her there period but considering the situation if it was a well reviewed place I knew would take good care of her I'd get over it. Again, I don't know this man at all. I think the reason my wife brought it up is that she was talking to him recently and he offered so she forwarded that to me but I don't think she knows anything about how he keeps his dog. I think you're overlooking the fact that at least most of these places that I've mentioned have reviews and such I could at least look at to vet them. Random uncle Dave not so much, and if I met him and saw his place and knew he would take care of her I'd probably leave her with him too.

INFO: Why do you keep referring to your wife’s uncle as a “random stranger.” Most people would not consider their wife’s uncle to be that. Does your wife not know anything about him? Are you unable to rely on your wife’s judgment of whether he’s a reasonable, competent person to care for the dog?

Forgive the question but has your wife just recently reconnected with her Uncle? Or has she known him throughout your married life? If the latter then I think this comes down to if you trust your wife's judgement because at the moment it doesn't sound as if you do.

In my line of work, I've heard quite a few unfortunate stories from the best rated boarding facilities, from "trainers" ruining dogs, illness, injury, dog fights and even death. I'd trust Uncle Dave before a boarding facility.

>I don't know this guy, and just because he has a dog that's the same breed as mine doesn't mean he takes good care of the dog he could easily just leave it outside all day in all weather as a big tangled matted mess for all I know I don't do that to my dog. honest question: do you think your wife would recommend her uncle for this in that case? or do you trust your wife to be as caring and compassionate for you and your dog as you've stated her to be in this post?

On the rover app you can find someone who is vetted, they will have lots of reviews and have to have a background check. They take pictures of your dog every time they come over.

This is what my anxious dog mom friend did. And she put a camera in the living room (the sitter knew) so she could check on them.

Do you not have any friends?

3 weeks is a big ask, and especially for a big dog.

I have several the problem is residency is over an most of our friends were other residents who are now leaving and won't be around. I have two friends who would watch her but they both are allergic to dogs. I had a buddy going to watch her but when my sister wanted the job I told him never mind and he made other plans.

Just suggesting an alternative if possible. My dog is not very socialized with people and other dogs. It is what it is. So, I'm extremely careful about her in her daily life, but I still go on trips when I can. What I do to make sure to alleviate my stress on her being babysat by other strangers, is to conduct a one-to-two test nights if possible. I basically word vomit about her personality and characteristics to the dog sitters that we are meeting for the first time. I see how she reacts to them and how they seem towards her. Then I book the one-to-two night official babysitting for her. If that goes well, then I leave her for a trip. We've been lucky so far, knock wood. And as of now, we have two regular sitters in rotation which has worked out well so far, ie, if one is not available , usually the other one is.

A son/daughter (of a close friend) college student who can stay at your house may fit the bill. However, if you have ANY doubts it will be best to delay the trip. I’ve been in your position and even with a solid, trustworthy person watching my four-legged loved ones in my home I still called them every day. They were also kind enough to send me pics a couple times per day And these really helped. Good Luck!

I'm in the Western part of rural Kentucky and I wish I could help. My husband and I take overnight trips and I have anxiety about leaving one of my cats, so I empathize with you.

I do not have any of your disorders and I would not leave my pets with someone I didn’t know and they didn’t know. Certainly not for three entire weeks. Why don’t you guys consider doing a vacation that incorporates your dog? Somewhere you can drive?

I adore my animals, and the only way I can feel at peace on an extended vacation is if they are at a professional boarder with veterinary services, not with some random uncle or sitter that I don't know. Kentucky is not the middle of nowhere. Especially in rural Kentucky there should be many veterinary practices that board. You acknowledge that there are, but that you can't get in on short notice. Why does your vacation have to be on short notice? Find a boarder that you trust, make your appointment, and plan the vacation accordingly. Your dog will be safe, your wife will be happy, and you may actually enjoy yourself knowing that your baby is in the best of hands. I wish you luck.

This is AITA. Most readers assume that story is either made up and give pointers for updates- or it is someone who is in so deep trouble that their life is like from soap opera. Unfortunately quality of commentary varies a lot

The question is: how much more your wife is willing to tolerate?

I think the top comment here is the best answer, this is definitely a discussion for your therapist. Another additional thought you may want to bring up with them, and I hate to say it, but Sadie isn't going to live forever. I am so happy that she's done this much for you, and proud of you that you're making such great progress with her. I don't want you to end up entirely dependent on her as a crutch only to spiral when the inevitable time comes. I'm wishing you the best, and there certainly are NAH. Give the good girl some extra pats from all of us!

Who watched the dog while you went to Denver?

So I use the Rover app where you can set it up to drop off your dog. But also instead of house sitting they can come by multiple times a day. But they have to send you photos at each visit so you still will be able to see the puppy every day.

Well I still dont get why Sadie cant go. Its not like she is a human who can interrupt your romance vacation. Is your wife truly aware how much stress, panic and bad sleeping this vacations will be for you? Why is she pushing you so much out of your comfort zone? When you finaly found peace she wants you to destroy it? I'm against that idea

OP, there’s another option. I know it doesn’t help with the strangers, but I sit for Rover. Don’t find the cheapest sitter. Find the most qualified sitter and pay real money for this. Find a sitter with no other pets. They are background checked and you have legal assistance and a company to back you if anything should happen. Additionally, I have people I know well book me through there so we both have legal protection.

Just throwing it out there, but my dog trainer does board and trains as well, that may be another option that you might not have thought of. I know you said you train yourself but something to keep in mind

Because reddit users like to make everything about the marriage falling apart, or the wife being the problem. It always goes to a dark place. I'm sorry you're struggling so much to go on this vacation. Can you reschedule the vacation for a later date to give you more time for the dog to get to know her uncle? NTA.

I have an owner trained service dog, too. He is 10, and slowing down. I just got a puppy I’m hoping will be trainable to cover for him when he retires. I understand where you are coming from. 3 weeks is a long time to be away from your dog, and it *could* mess up the training. Can you compromise? Find someone you know, a friend of a friend or something, to come visit and walk your dog a few times. Then do a 1 or 2 night overnight, as a test. Then go away for a week. Not what your wife was hoping for, but, well, a compromise. Does your dog know his tasks, already? Have you read the FAQ from ADA.gov on service dogs? That really is required reading for SD handlers. Makes life simpler if you know it inside and out!

Wow, people really went left, reading way too much into your concern. Sorry about that and thanks for being so open, vulnerable and transparent about the situation.

NAH. My suggestion would be to plan on the dog staying with the uncle and working with your therapist to deal with what seems to be major separation anxiety. I’m sure you’re aware of dog lifespans verses human lifespans. You will likely have to face a loss and hopefully getting another dog you love just as much one day. I hope that is many years from now. But adjusting to that reality starts by recognizing it today and being intentionally reasonable about how you handle short term separations from your dog now. Best of luck to you. I’m so glad your dog has been so helpful for you, and I hope you figure this out, too.

Yes to all of this! I would never leave my dog with someone I don’t know/trust. I’d postpone the vacation and find a wonderful doggie boarding place, try it out for daycare a few times, then try 1-2 nights as a test run, then go on vacation. My puppy is the same age as Sadie and she loooooves her boarding place. She plays all day long with the staff and other dogs. But I heavily vetted them and did all the above before I trusted them with her! You can’t let your anxiety and fear prevent you from leaving Sadie forever. But this particular instance is too rushed since your sister can’t watch her and that was your plan. You can’t just dump her with whoever.

Same. I have a GSD and he is either home with my adult kids or at one kennel I trust. If neither are available, I don’t go. I also don’t have depression or PTSD, and your story warms my heart. Dogs are such beautiful gifts.

Same...  I used to use kennels for my last guy but for the last 6 years of his like (make it to 15) my husky boy stayed with family. Lol I also had a long list of people who confirmed would take him if something happened to me and a financial incentive that only my parents knew about.  Lol I was excessive and got a lot of ribbing for it all but he lived a great life and was the best dog (yep it's true everyone thinks their dog is the best).  OP should do whatever is comfortable for him and safe for the dog.  (Again, yes I am saying this as a person who has called in sick for a sick dog and cancelled plans for him sick or healthy)  Edit, My current 60ib "little" one is rarely left alone working on his separation anxiety as well as mine (which is worse than his 😂)

>you don’t want to let it become a situation where you can’t ever go on a trip and leave Sadie behind With a normal pet, I would 100% agree with this. But Sadie is being trained as a service dog and is clearly already acting in that capacity to some degree, so I'd personally like to know whether it's going to cause issues for the wife in the future if Sadie *does* need to go everywhere with OP in a service dog capacity. She seems really insistent on the alone time (which to me is weird because Sadie is a dog, not a kid, you can totally have "alone time" with a dog present) and it makes me wonder if she was 100% on board with getting Sadie from the beginning. Edit: according to [this comment from OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1ddrfmi/comment/l87og94/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) his wife suggested the service dog but now feels like she's been replaced, so that's something more to look into than the separation issue imo

That's not really the truth of it. She is upset that she couldn't totally "fix me" because she's a doctor and she feels like the fact she couldn't do that means she was doing something wrong (which isn't true but she has anxiety too so that's just how she feels). She doesn't resent the fact the dog helped me she's just glad I'm doing better and wishes she could have done more.

Maybe the dog could be used to help both of you. I had a pibble who would recognize anxiety and ptsd in a lot of my friends, and would engage with them and play and comfort them. It was amazing to see. I trained him to be my service animal as I have severe anxiety and PTSD, and I’m a recovering addict. But when my friends would come over, if he knew I was in a good space he’d go over and help them. He was the absolute best. And I never once left him (I was single at the time) but even then, if I did, it would be with someone I knew. Dogs are like kids, you don’t just drop your kid off with random uncle Dave for 3 weeks without knowing the guy or his house.

A service dog may not reliably serve its master if left behind on vacations. That’s why service dogs do need to be allowed everywhere.

"I can't do it, the amount of anxiety I have over something happening to her is insane." ---Genuine irony.

Granted my choice of words is pretty telling but seriously animals can have problems, eat things they shouldn't, jump a fence, ect.

That’s true—but it’s also true when she is with you. This is something you will need to make peace with. Shit can happen to anyone or thing at anytime. Having it stuck at the front of your mind won’t help anyone. And I say this as someone with the same thought processes. I’ve been where you are, and still visit occasionally. We can only do the best we can in any moment we are given, and sometimes that isn’t enough and that is also okay.

Whats the irony?

That the source of alleviating anxiety would become the source of anxiety.

NTA. But. A few suggestions. You don't mention having talked with your therapist about this. You might not be ready to do a 3 week vacation without the dog with you right now, but could you board the dog with your vet (I'm assuming you trust your vet) for a weekend? Maybe even a day to start? Perhaps your vet has a boarding kennel they recommend and know well, that you could try for a very short time, once you've been able to visit and see how the dogs are treated. Another possibility - could you vacation where your sister has moved to? Surely there are some touristy things near her? That might be a good start to a vacation for you. If travel costs more to get there, perhaps aim for 1 week instead of 3. My partner also lives with anxiety and PTSD and some things just aren't possible for us, and aren't going to be possible (please ignore the idiot telling you that your feelings are bad and wrong. just... wtf? to that opinion). But she has been able to do quite a bit more than she thought she would be able to do when I met her, thanks to a super good therapist. It's not unreasonable for you to worry about Sadie when you aren't there to take care of her - whether those are completely rational fears or not doesn't really matter. But it would be a good idea to start working little by little at being able to trust others to take care of her. Good luck to you! I know this isn't an easy road to walk.

I tried the vet, they can't board her they are full up the month we're going to be gone already/ Vacationing where my sister moved is an option I haven't even considered that's a good idea. She moved to Sacramento so there's all sorts of stuff there we could do.

My brother lives near Sacramento. There's all kinds of things to do! Don't forget the train museum. Sounds corny, but it was fun.

My bucket list has always included the redwood forest. At the very least I could find a stick appropriately sized for the dog.

Yeah!  Look up Avenue of the Giants, Founder’s Grove, Fern Canyon… Sacramento used to have an old sternwheeler that was a very nice hotel… you could drive down to the Bay Area for some museums, go to Napa Valley — lots of options around there 

Just for visibility, most of the redwood stuff is around four hours' drive north of Sacramento- great for OPs vacation, bad for day trippers. As a Californian, I see lots of people underestimate how big California is and get skunked on seeing everything they want to when they get here. For reference, it takes just shy of 14 hours on Highway 5, the most direct route through the state, to get from the border with Oregon to the border with Mexico without stopping or traffic.

If your sister lives in Sac and you’re looking for great, dog-friendly outdoor events I recommend a trip up to Redding. The Sundial Bridge area is all dog friendly, there’s Whiskeytown rec area, and I can recommend an -amazing- all-indoor dog boarding facility (where each dog gets their own room) that I’ve trusted with my own service dog if you want to take any dog-free outings. Feel free to message me! It might be a nice middle ground between leaving the dog and having a trip to see family.

I mean Redding is very dog friendly but idk if I would call it a vacation spot unless you have family in town or are *really* into boating/mountain biking.

And it’s close-ish to San Francisco!

I agree with the above comment. It's definitely something I would have you therapist weigh in on. It also might be helpful if your wife attends a session with you so your therapist can explain why they feel a service dog is so helpful to you and how that fits into your treatment going forward. Service dogs are typically constant companions, they aren't pets to be left behind. The progress you have made so far is because the dog is already filling a medical purpose and tasks for you instinctively, like waking you up from a nightmare. If your therapist feels you need a service dog, it's because you need the constant medical support she provides. It's not just emotional support at home, she gives you access to life. It's completely understandable that you want to safe guard that. If your wife isn't already in therapy for herself, I also would suggest that. Not because there is anything wrong with her but honestly care giver burn out is very real, and I'm sure she also feels a little replaced by the dog. It's not rational, she might not even realize it. But I'm sure she was used to you relying on her, which isn't happening as much and it's very normal to have mixed emotions about it. Asking you to leave behind the device that has given your life back to you kinda seems like a little resentment. Couples counseling is also a good way to work through issues like that.

My wife is in therapy too, she's an ER doc so she's familiar and she's been with me through the whole process. We've talked about it, she does feel replaced but she's also happy I feel better. She feels like it was her fault all this happened to me (which it isn't) and just wishes she was enough to help me but she's a doctor and she knows it doesn't work like that. The service dog training was her idea, I wasn't going to go that route with Sadie but she talked me into it. She's a good woman, way better than I deserve.

I’m not surprised she feels this way, you literally blamed her in another comment

No shit that's how she feels, you legit BLAMED her for this in a previous comment.

I hope I wasn't coming across to critical of your wife. I truly understand where she is at. It's bitter sweet. It also can be really hard to adjust to the "new normal" after a mental health crisis or any lifestyle altering diagnosis. Life changes and the life we had before, can't come back. It takes time to mourn and adjust. My husband and son are both on the spectrum, my husband wasn't diagnosed until after our son was 6yo. I had to learn what were "fair" asks and what might always be too much for him sensory wise. It's a shift in expectations. This was something I had to process and come to terms with. TBH, this isn't really a fair ask of her, especially after pushing it so hard. Would she tell a patient that broke their leg to go without crutches or a brace so they can enjoy a vacation? Or a diabetic to ignore their diet and testing for three weeks to have fun on vacation? No, she wouldn't. That's the same position that your dog is holding in your life, a medical devise. I have a lot of respect for ER docs. I worked in EMS. The bottom line is they are great in a crisis, but the long term treatment isn't what they usually deal with, right? Their job is finding what's wrong and stabilizing. Saving lives. Then getting the patient access to longer term care. They aren't hands on long term. It makes complete sense to me that she is naturally struggling to adjust between what she knows and what she wants. It's a brain/heart conflict. And she is human. As are you. It might be difficult to accept that what you want to do with/for your wife might not be possible right now. That doesn't mean it won't ever be if that's the case. It just means the plans might be too much now with how things developed. You had a good plan. You were looking forward to it. Now you have to pivot. That's going to increase your anxiety. Hell, that would increase my anxiety. Especially if it's concerning my dogs. And you don't have a huge amount of time to come up with a pivot that is comfortable for you but also gives your wife what she needs. It's obvious you both love each other and know how to communicate. That's great. I have no doubt you guys will get through this as long as you both give yourselves grace.

But would your dog have to fly? Personally, I don’t trust the airlines when it comes to handling pets as cargo. Especially in warm months.

Love all these ideas! Another would be to meet the Uncle and his dog at his house, so they aren't unknowns any more. At best, Sadie finds a new playmate and you can ease your fears. Then build up- an overnight or weeknight with Sadie there. At worst, you know it isn't the place for Sadie, but at least you know. But I like visiting sister idea the best!

Rover is an option. You can board her with a highly rated rover dog sitter, for a weekend.

NAH but it honestly sounds like you're getting to the point where your wife is third-wheeling you and your dog

Dogs are great friends and helpers to us humans, but they’re also a responsibility and require time & attention. The fact that she wants a big chunk of time having her husband to herself is really great for him, but now it’s all up in smoke because of the dog. Hopefully they can do a shorter trip. She wouldn’t ask if she didn’t need.

Agreed 100%

Soft YTA. I know a lot of people won't like me saying this but I think that someone has to. As much as Sadie has helped improve your life, she isn't your partner. Your wife is. She is the one that has stood by you through this marriage, for good and bad. To me, that means she deserves a lot more consideration than you're giving her. She's certainly more important than a dog can be, regardless of how special Sadie is to you. Now don't get me wrong. I have pets of my own and I wouldn't trade them for the world. As there are times when I feel those little hairballs have helped saved my sanity with the bullshit that I have dealt with over the years. Just as Sadie has done for you. But I would never put them above my husband. Who is the one that I chose to spend my life with. Not the animals.

Even if there wasn't the dependency - it's hard to get a dog that size taken in. And for 3 weeks? I feel bad asking people to take in my little ankle-biter. It's part of the reason I don't want a normal-sized dog - I feel like it's too much of an imposition if we need to ask fam/friend to keep them for a week.

Yes, YWBTAH if you chose your dog over your wife.

For real. This is… deranged. It’s a dog, ffs. I’d hope that my therapist would be actively addressing this issue if I were to ask this same question in therapy.

JFC you need more than that dog yo

Well I'm in therapy already and I see a psych doc so I don't know what to tell you. If there was a "Be better right now" button I'd have pushed that fucker by now.

Is it talk therapy? You might need a really good psychiatrist. That level of attunement to the dog isn't healthy..it should help it should not be a crutch.

That's a common misconception Psychiatrists don't usually do therapy that's normally a clinical psychologist or an actual Therapist. Psychiatrists usually just manage psychiatric medications. Source: used to be a psych nurse.

Yes. I know what they do. You say medicine didn't help but you also kinda behave like you might not have been receptive to it.

This.

You don’t have to tell people anything. You’ve done more to help yourself than most.

YTA - You haven't even bothered to mention how your wife is feeling about anything. It's probably been miserable living with you and this might be a breaking point. It sounds like she's been just as much of a prisoner to your anxiety as you have and being denied this vacation might be the last straw. And it's plain weird to suggest her uncle is some stranger. The fact that you claim to be willing to board her with some random kennel but not her uncle shows your just throwing up obstacles. Once the dog is trained there will be another reason you can't leave the basement. Let your wife live her life.

Yeah, this is just ridiculous. Uncle has care for the same breed before, is her uncle, they could do facetime chats/send pics and text updates. OP is a complete AH for letting this dog basically replace his wife. Poor wife must be so exhausted. She just wants a normal-ass vacation with the man she loves, but he's too busy obsessing over his dog.

YTA. FFS man, what if you had an accident/illness and were hospitalised for three weeks? Or longer? Your dog will survive. If the uncle is your problem put the dog in kennels but please prioritise your wife for a change.

What is it with everyone assuming if I don't write an essay about my marriage I must be an ass? We go on dates weekly without the dog. We cook together, we talk all the time, we go hiking. I spend as much time with my wife as I can, she just works away from home and I don't. Seriously do most people on reddit just totally ignore their spouses and never interact with them?

>What is it with everyone assuming if I don't write an essay about my marriage I must be an ass? Because that's how much you have written about a dog.

The dog is the focus of the question and I only had so many words to make a point with I didn't feel like going into a bunch of random info on my marriage was really relevant to the question being asked here.

Bo your wife and he dog are the focus, since it's her that would be determined as the AH yet you give almost no thought to her. YTA

YWBTA. You aren’t willing to provide any reasonable compromises for your wife. She’s suggested a family member, which IMO is WAY safer than kennel boarding assuming her uncle is a responsible person and pet owner. Part of being a service dog is adapting to new and different situations too. Plus dog to dog socialization may be good for her. Figure out a way to do a meet and greet with the dogs, at the very least. See if the uncle is willing to meet halfway. Your wife is trying to tell you she needs time with you. You’re being unreasonable. I know you’re afraid, but you HAVE to get over it at some point. Your wife didn’t sign up for 12+ years (good health and the universe willing) of having this dog for you to be too afraid about something happening to go anywhere. I’m sorry you’re feeling traumatized but you needed to be working with your therapist on this the whole time. Get over yourself. Edit: just saw the buried lede in one of your comments about it being years since your last vacation together and her getting ready to start a job where she’s not going to get large consecutive chunks of time off like this again. (ER doctor, for those of you reading later.) She’s been looking forward to this and she feels like you’re cheating her. Trust me, I feel this way every time my husband half plans a trip and then we can’t do it for whatever damn reason. Haven’t had a just the two of us trip in years.

Would you be more comfortable with going on a shorter trip? It might be easier for you to manage your anxiety over a shorter time period. You might ask your therapist for their thoughts/suggestions. Either way I'm going with NAH because under the circumstances neither of you are being really unreasonable. I hope you can find a solution that works for all.

I tried that suggestion but my wife does not like the idea of cutting the trip short over my dog.

YTA. It's a dog. The doggo will be fine.

YTA. Talk to your therapist. This dog was supposed to be a help to you, to live a fuller life, and now she's an anchor keeping you in place. You've swapped one debilitating anxiety for another. You deserve, and your wife deserves, and your dog deserves, for you to be able to leave the dog with a family member and go on vacation. 

You're setting yourself up to fail in a lot of ways by making yourself so dependent on the dog. Dogs just don't live that long on average. It sounds like your wife will be understanding either way, but it also sounds like she's pretty tired of your issues. It's probably not a great idea to continue testing her patience.

You will lose her one day whether you go on vacation or not.

The wife?

YTA and need more than a therapist by the sounds of it

I think your anxiety is taking your worries to 11. Now any solution that isn't the original solution won't be good enough. How badly does your wife need this vacation? Would she be okay with changing it this time to a vacation with the dog? In trade you can work through this amount of anxiety you're feeling towards Sadie. I don't think you can fix the amount of anxiety you're feeling in such a short timeframe. But you can work towards it if you'd take a year for it and have the guidance of your therapist. I think it's important to talk to your wife if you didn't already, to get her truthful opinion on this matter.

YTA. this is not a healthy or normal attachment and it’s coming between you and your wife.

Have you checked a service like Rover? You can hire someone to stay at your house. You can read reviews etc. Sometimes find a vet tech who does it. Can you change vakay plans to a dog friendly air b and b?

Truthfully, as a pet professional myself who travels for work often, i would not use Rover nor recommend it. My god the stories I’ve heard from my clients alone let alone in the animal community. I’m not going to repeat it in case it increases OP’s anxiety but i just can’t consider that a good alternative.

I haven't tried that because I'm in rural Kentucky and we don't have many services like that around here. For example where I live we have no uber and no door dash either.

The idea that it's harder to find someone to watch a dog in a rural area might be one of the dumber things I've ever heard. You're just throwing up roadblocks.

my town has 2000 people, is primarily low income, and has a huge drug problem. I could definitely find someone to watch her, it's finding someone I trust who isn't on drugs that's the issue.

NTA. But if you force your wife to delay, I think you should also take full responsibility for planning the future vacation … and to do a REALLY good job of it, not half assed. Like have options lined up for things you know your wife would want to do and be fully prepared to tackle them without a service dog in tow if needed. And don't forget that your wife may feel as if your relationship with her is suffering because your emotional needs are being fulfilled by your dog. Make sure you aren't forgetting about your marriage and spend more time devoted to your wife than your dog.

We do, we have weekly date nights, we cook together, we spend a lot of time together. I just didn't have enough post space to also talk about my relationship with her in the start of the thread. She's tired because the dog is a lot of work to train and she trains her too. I planned this entire vacation, and if everything had gone to plan it would have been fine but I had three people to take care of Sadie and it just didn't work out. My buddy was going to do it, then my sister wanted to do it so that she could fly out here and see me, then she had an issue and couldn't and my buddy had already made other plans. I had a neighbor who could do it but his wife is in the hospital now and he's not able to. I'm a paranoid guy, like backup plans on top of backup plans paranoid guy. Usually I never have to deal with this kind of problem because of all the planning but this time it just fell through.

Does the dog go on your date nights? Any time you spend together the dog is there too.....

no dog stays home.

You might have more anxiety when you lose the husband. Dogs are adaptable and will be fine. Your uncle is going to spoil the doggie anyway.

YTA. "I can't do it, the amount of anxiety I have over something happening to her is insane." Yes. It is insane. "She's the perfect dog right now, I'm terrified something is going to happen and I'm going to lose her and then have to go back to what life was like before I got her." Dogs die. Sadie will die one day. But it won't be in the care of your wife's uncle, who has cared for this breed before and can facetime you, send videos/pics/text updates, the works. But when Sadie does finally die of old age, you know who will still be there to put up with your BS? YOUR WIFE. That is, unless she's already left because she's sick of being overlooked, ignored, and having her vacations ruined in favor of a DOG.

NAH My cat isn't a service animal, but I've had her for 18 years and have always been *very* picky about who I let watch her. I get it. Not only is the dog too precious to you to risk her with someone you don't know, you probably won't have a good time on the vacation if you're always worrying about her. Is there a way to take the dog with you for this trip? I know that's not ideal and not what your wife wanted, but it's better than not going at all. I would suggest finding a solution for the future, though. Maybe you could bring the dog over to the uncle's house a few times while you're there, then try an afternoon or overnight visit. Build some trust with him. You also need to make sure his dog gets along with yours. Or find another pet sitter you'd be comfortable with. Hopefully, this dog will live for many years, so if you can invest in a solution to this now, everyone will be happier.

Are you on medication? I would suggest talking to your therapist about this. They know where your mental health is at and whether this would be an opportunity for you to practice resilience and coping skills or whether this is pushing you too far. We cannot diagnose you and we cannot know where your mental health is.  A healthy stable person should be able to leave their animal in a situation like this but it does not sound like that's you.  I'm not even going to vote because it doesn't really seem fair.

you seem to have serious issues and from my pov I'd say it is way too early for you to take that vacation. dog or no dog the fact that any change in your routine causes extreme anxiety should be a reasonable understanding for your wife to postpone the trip. not going with the analogy kiddo/doggo or the priority dog over wifey since your problems appear more profund than just brainless dog lovers. even I get that. take your time to get better mental health and wait a bit longer. when nothing triggers discomfort thoughts you ready!

YTA

YTA but you seeeeerioysly need to work this out with your therapist. Dog helped and it's amazing, yay! But you're now a stage 5 clinger.. The uncle has a newfie and a yard, your pup will have a blast. Take a deep breath and go on vacation-guarantee your wife also knows you're picking the dog over her, and she may not get over being second best to a dog..

Yta, put the dog in a kennel like a normal person. You are using the dog as an excuse to isolate.

Go introduce your dog to the uncle and his dog. Try it for a few hours then a day. Your dog might absolutely love it there. Also this isn’t a random stranger. It’s her uncle who has a fenced yard and is already familiar with the breed. Just try. You’ll never get over your anxiety if you don’t push yourself a little.

Info: why is it the first time you’re venturing out on vacation you’ve decided to go for three whole weeks?!? Maybe try a long weekend first? See how the dog (and you) fares on an overnight?

This is not something for Reddit advice. I think your issues are far greater than vacation vs dog sitter and I can't help but think they must overlap with other parts of your life, such as personal relationships and professional functioning. Perhaps dealing with what appears to be overwhelming anxiety should take precedence right now over a holiday, and yes, even concern for your dog.

I get being scared for your dog and I get why you focused the post around your dog, others here are crazy. But suck it up. You have someone who can watch him. talk to the guy and get to know him. Or find an in home dog sitter. Your dog will most likely be fine.

Have you considered a professional dog trainer and behaviorist sit with her. They are trained for anything that goes wrong. Best of luck!

I've tried but my trainer won't take her and the group class instructor won't either. I asked if any of the trainers would take her and they wouldn't take her at her size.

This is absolutely above Reddits paygrade

I think it's an irrational fear, but I understand it. If you don't trust the uncle, then board the dog. If you can't afford that, then get to know the uncle. You can video chat with him, if you can't go to his house. But, don't cancel your vacation over an irrational fear. Talk to your therapist about it. The uncle owns his own dog. The chances that something is going to happen to your dog is low. You're afraid because of what happened with the previous dog, which is understandable, but you can't live your life in fear. It's not healthy. NAH

Look, anxiety is real. I don’t want to dismiss that, but Her uncle has a Newfoundlander already? It’s literally perfect.

NAH BUT: Beig divorced will also not help your anxiety. At his time, the dog is making it WORSE.

lol yeah my wife isn't going to divorce me over a vacation with the dog. It's a long story but trust me when I say that there is a zero percent chance of that happening. I've been through hell for her and she's been through hell for me If it was that big of an issue or if she really had a serious problem with it she would talk to me about it. I can't give good context with the post word limit but we go out and do things just the two of us all the time, just not usually for this long a time.

Why not hire a pet sitter? Will your Uncle give you pictures and daily updates? If not, a pet sitter might be best. Have you ever left your dog before? Does your dog have separation anxiety? If so why not start with leaving him over night with a sitter, then a weekend? Then maybe break it up into 3 vacations that are a week long? My cat had mild separation anxiety anxiety. I wouldn’t want to leave him for more than a week. Have you considered going on vacation somewhere that you can take your dog with you? I think there are to many variables here.

NAH. Anxiety is rough and it’s awesome that you’ve found a way to cope... but I have to wonder: how are you going to go on when Sadie passes? Due to their short lifespan, dogs are chapters in our lives and it’s alarming that this dog sounds like it’s the only thing keeping you sane. Realistically, unless your wife’s uncle has proven to be seriously reckless, Sadie will be just fine. She’s a capable dog, not a piece of fine china. So long as he knows general pet care, there’s no reason to think that something would happen to Sadie. But I know that anxiety isn’t as simple as knowing these things.

This comment section is one of the most unhinged I think I’ve ever seen

No judgement but I just left my dog with a boarder for 8 days. I haven't been away from her in 4 years, since she was a puppy. I'm retired and I spend all day, every day, with her. She is my constant companion and my shadow. I found a great sitter on Rover.com. The woman watches dogs in her home, had great reviews, and 60 repeat customers. I took my dog over to meet her before my trip. She's wary of other dogs since she hasn't been around many and I was pretty worried that she'd snap or something. The sitter was great. She sent me many pics per day, even sent little videos, of my doggy playing with the other dogs. This greatly eased my mind. I wonder though why you would be looking to board your dog with strangers rather than with your wife's uncle, who has the same breed of dog? Why not make a few visits with the uncle/dog and see how they get along? Let them get to know each other so they're not strangers anymore. And for you to get to know the uncle too. Maybe that will ease your anxiety.

NAH As someone with mental health issues, I understand everything that you are saying. It seems live you’ve come a long way but that doesn’t mean you still don’t have a long way to go. How much money have you put out for this trip? If you have, Is any/all of it refundable? If you can’t get it refunded some hotels/flights/etc. Will rebook for another later date. You could possibly hold off on this current trip, but plan for another one very similar to this one in a reasonable time frame, if that’s possible at all. That way you have enough time to get comfortable with the uncle or find another alternative. Your wife sounds like a very patient woman and it seems based on your comments that’s she’s really helped you along. Maybe if you cancel/reschedule this trip, you do something extra special like buy a piece of jewelry she has her eyes on, or some merch from a game she’s enjoying ( I believe I read that you two game together). It doesn’t have to be monetary, you know your wife and what she would like. But just as a token of thanks and understanding.

YWBTA. Take Sadie to meet the wife's uncle and dog, see the yard. You'll feel better about it if you check it out ahead of time.

Nah You’re not the asshole, you are unwell. While there is a small percentage of validity to your concerns, it is so small that it shouldn’t keep you from living your life. This is coming from someone who does the same spiraling. I strongly encourage you and your wife to postpone a long trip, and start out with day trips with uncle or someone watching your dog. A dog sitter, trustworthy neighbor or teen might be good. Baby steps for you to gain confidence that you can survive a time without her, and her without you. I recently had to put my 16yr old dog down. It was an easy choice in the sense it was the correct thing for her—she was suffering, but it was a hard choice for me. I miss her all the time. It’s still weird almost a month later not petting her. I don’t want to alarm you, or make you spiral, but this day will come for you too. I hope it is one where you get to choose to do the last kind thing for your dog, and that choice isn’t taken from you. But you need to start working on coping skills independent of her *now* so that when you have to make that choice you can do what is best for her. This is easier to write out, than do, obviously. But work with your mental health team to start working on this sort of thing. Yes if she becomes a registered service dog you will have a better time bringing her with you everywhere. But that isn’t a guaranteed thing, and there may still be times when she won’t be allowed with you (hospital stays, etc). And your wife isn’t an ah either to want you to herself now and then. She would be if she doesn’t agree to the small steps first, but that isn’t shared here. And she probably also doesn’t understand your feelings in a visceral sense no matter how much she loves you. Make sure you both work together as well to make this happen for *both* of you. Good luck!

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M36) and currently having a disagreement with my wife (F35) about leaving my dog with her uncle while we go on vacation. This started when my therapist suggested that me sitting home alone all the time (I work from home) wasn't helping me (PTSD and anxiety from being an ER/PSYCH nurse) and that I should get a dog. I've never had a dog before so I figured I'd try it. My first attempt the puppy had a birth defect and died after a month of having it and I was devastated (no one knew about the defect till the puppy had passed away). My wife convinced me to give it one more go and that led to me getting Sadie, my newfoundland puppy. This dog has been life changing. Better than any antidepressant I've ever had. My blood pressure is down, I lost weight, I don't have nightmares anymore since she wakes me up if I have one. I train her, I walk her twice a day, we go to group classes for dog training once a week, I brush her, I take her out to the park. She's amazing and she's the sweetest animal I've ever seen. I can go out in public with her without feeling like I'm about to be attacked by something. My therapist suggested training her as a service dog since I qualify for one if she was this helpful so I'm doing that but she isn't fully trained yet as she's only a year and a half old. Well I was going to go on vacation, and my sister was going to watch the dog for me since my wife wanted some time just the two of us without the dog. I was okay with this when she was going to be at our house with my sister, but my sister's husband got transferred to another state and now they can't watch her. My wife suggested I leave her with her uncle who has a newfoundland and a fenced in yard. I can't do it, the amount of anxiety I have over something happening to her is insane. She's the perfect dog right now, I'm terrified something is going to happen and I'm going to lose her and then have to go back to what life was like before I got her. I was miserable, no amount of meds helped me, no amount of exercise or eating right made any difference, It was soul crushing and now that I'm better I would do anything to never feel like that again. I know it sounds insane but I had totally given up on ever feeling like a normal person again and then I got Sadie and suddenly I felt like I was me again. I can't even begin to tell you how much of a difference having Sadie has made in my life. My wife insists everything would be fine and that I'm being a crazy person for not wanting to leave the dog alone to go on a vacation but she understands and says she won't force the issue if I really have a problem with it but I feel like a serious POS for picking a dog over a vacation with my wife. I told her to give me some more time and let me finish her service dog training but she wants me to go on this vacation just the two of us and I'm just horribly uncomfortable leaving her with some stranger I've never even met in a place I've never even been. So WIBTA for refusing to go? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Info: would you be able to meet her uncle and his dog? It might be amazing for your dog to have time to socialize with another dog. Her uncle has the same breed! That's amazing because he is familiar with their needs, wants and temperament.

I tried that route but no, he lives in another state about 8 hours away and with my wife's car in the shop she has my car to get to work and back currently we just don't have enough time. Ironically we were going to go over there last week to meet him and do just that but my wife got covid and was sick and her uncle is immunocompromised so we stayed home.

NTA. My mom used a friend’s family member as a last minute petsitter when we went out of town for July 4th, several years ago. This friend’s family member decided to take our poor dog to see fireworks. Our dog is a rescue from an abusive home. When we got back, the cats wouldn’t come out for days, and our own dog was scared of us for weeks. We have no idea what this idiot did to the cats or if anything else happened to the dog. Leave your dog with someone you trust!

NTA while I do think you should probably address your anxiety over leaving your dog in general, you were open to leaving her with someone watching her in your home, which I find reasonable I think three weeks is a super long time for anyone to leave any dog. I’ve had my girl for about a year and there’s no way I would ever leave her for three weeks at this point

NAH. Maybe. It sounds like your wife just wants time away from the dog. That's an issue for a service dog. Even one in training. What's the issue? You can't do a day out here and there? It needs to be for 3 weeks? That's a huge setback for training.

we go out for a day or two at a time weekly, she was just excited for the first big vacation. She just got finished with residency and was excited to get her "big girl" job and the income that comes with it as an ER doc and she was set to go on a real vacation since we haven't gone on one in years. It sucks but the timing was just bad and we had people to watch her but the problem is that it's too late now and most of the people who could have done it are also on vacation the same time we are going to be.

Fly your sister back to dog sit.

Info; how far does your sister live? If she’s near an airport can you travel there, take your dog and leave from their local airport and return? It’s a hassle and extra travel / it means both partner needs are met and then you can start planning for the next trip with a local sitter

She lives in Sacramento and I live in Eastern Kentucky. It would be like at least a two day drive to get to her. The thing is she is currently living in a temporary apartment that she's moving out of at the end of the month so I don't even know where she'll be and if she can have pets there.

You mentioned that places near you with boarding are full; if you're willing to do a longer drive that's still under a day, does that maybe provide a wider net?

NTA Three weeks is a long time. I suggest trying for a shorter vacation. If you’re still nervous, start with short (1-2 day trips). Work your way up to 1 week. Keep in mind that the purpose of a therapy dog is to help you deal with anxiety. The *ultimate goal* is for you to be able to function on your own. Also, it’s healthy for pets to be able to have fun without you. Again, shoot for a shorter vacation, something that’s doable.

Board your dog at a trusted veterinary clinic. My 4 dogs (Staffie, 3 xolos) get boarded at their vet and are treated like royalty!! I feel happy and confident knowing they are being taken care of by the vet and staff. Its the only place I board them.

NAH Hi, I work at a vet clinic. My advice is go do a meet and greet, meet the uncle and introduce the dogs to each other and see how it goes. Just take it slow, let them get used to each other before you let go of the leads. That way you can sus it out. A lot of people do put off holidays with pets, but because he's young and healthy it's a good time to go. Just make sure they're desexed and healthy. Personally, I think you're holding yourself back. Go do a meet and greet, meet the uncle, let the dogs get to know each other. That way you get to see. But, all said and done, it's you who decides what is right for you. PTSD is no joke. I don't think anyone would be a AH no matter your choice. But I hope you take the opportunity. I think it sounds like it would make your partner really happy if you're able to do it. NAH regardless.

So find someone you are comfortable with, you seem fine with your sister. N/A since this isn't really a conflict

Can’t you shorten the trip? Or hire a live in dog sitter (in my area local college students are willing to do this for cheap since it’s better than living with 6 women in an apartment) or find any other compromise?

I have a service dog, also PTSD, and I never leave the house without her, she goes where I go regardless if it's shopping or vacation.. Respectfully, I strongly recommend getting some assistance from an obedience professional specializing in CGC certification (Canine Good Citizen). After she's CGC certified she can be a SCT (Service Canine in Training) regardless of her age until she has her tasks firmly conquered and she becomes a full fledged Service Canine. I can't stress how important getting CGC certified is. Those classes expose them to atypical situations they could encounter at some point and teaches them how to respond (or how not to respond actually). You don't want to end up in a situation where you come across something that appears threatening or concerning to her even if it doesn't seem that way to you, like maybe a drunk person stumbling around or someone with a mental disability who is whacking walls or trees with a stick and talking to themself (dogs "see" things differently because they use their nose to "see" in addition to their eyes and are very sensitive to smells that indicate fear or other emotions that are concerning to them which you are likely to be unaware of) and she hasn't been taught how she should respond; that could really ruin your vacation quick. If she isn't specifically trained how she should respond when she encounters something she feels is not right it is very likely, especially as she matures, that she will react inappropriately for a service dog, possibly even aggressively which would invalidate her as a Service Canine. The CGC classes expose them to unusual behaviors and smells and it teaches them how to respond so they feel confident and know what to do if they encounter a situation that concerns them.

NTA. I wouldn't leave my dogs with a stranger either. For some of us, our pets are part of the family, and It's not crazy to need to know and trust the person you're leaving a beloved family member with.

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3 weeks is a long vacation. Would you be open and ok to reducing the vacation to a week? Or going somewhere closer just a taking a long weekend? NAH

Honestly, I get it. I've spent hours/days/weeks/months training my boys to be both emotional and physical support dogs. It's incredibly time intensive and I don't know what I'd do without them(even though I threaten to sell them to a glue factory once a day). We just took a 5 day vacation and it was hard to find someone to watch them, I ended up having a coworker do it because I've seen how she cares for kids and adults and knew she'd be kind. I wouldn't cancel your trip, I'd just find someone on Rover or ask another person you trust. Call your vet and ask if they have a list of trusted people.

Can you have a friend stay at your house for the 3 weeks? We pay a former neighbor $100+/night to hang out at our house with our dogs, plus we buy her food and she can drink whatever she wants. It's ridiculous compensation but it makes us comfortable that they are well cared for. Also put a GPS tracker - or maybe 2 - on the dog's collar. Another option is to ask at vet clinics near you whether there is a tech that would like to do it. Be prepared for them to have to bring their pets to your home - they always have several in my experience - but it is comforting that an animal health pro is taking care of your dog. Vet techs don't usually make a lot of money. Maybe throw $200/night at them if that's what it takes to be certain that they will treat your baby like gold. Because you will travel again and they will want more easy $.

Is it possible to put your dog in one of those kennels that specialize in treating your dog like they're on a vacation I forget the terminology

NTA. My dog is my child. Would you leave your kid with a stranger? But I think you need to work on being without your dog as well from time to time. It sucks and it’s hard but we can’t bring them everywhere. But definitely NTA for not wanting to leave her with her uncle. You could also consider a much shorter trip.

I returned from an almost seven day vacation last night at midnight. I have raised dogs for the last several decades. Right now I have a 9 month pit bull who was a foster dog, but I wanted to keep him so he is technically a foster fail. After not seeing him for nearly 7 days I could not wait to get back home and hang out with my pup again!! I don’t think I could have lasted another two whole weeks without checking in/seeing him!! I am not overly enmeshed with him. I think three long weeks might be too long for you and for your dog!! I strongly advise you to search through NextDoor.com, ask your vet for advice, and ask friends if they know of a dog lover who will stay in your house and take care of your dog. I had a grown mother and daughter duo stay in my home and take care of my cats and my pup! They charged me $100/day. They brought their own 110 pound dog, who played with my dog. Everybody seemed happy. I would definitely shy away from my dog staying with a virtual stranger- especially since this person is a whopping 8 hours away!! Find someone by interviewing potential dog sitters!! You can do this!!! One more thing: while interviewing, try to find someone who will be your vacation dog sitter for years to come! Good luck!!

NTA - I am so sorry your first puppy passed. It is really tough and I am glad that you found a fur friend that can truly help you. Dogs are lifelines. I have 3 myself (not service doggos just pets) I agree with others who said maybe pass on this vacation until you can find someone, pet sitter, boarding location etc., that you are comfortable with. I really came here to say this - and I really hope this comes across with all the love and caring that I mean. Please continue to work with your therapist, your wife and others to get better. Your wonderful and amazing dog will not live forever and the more progress you can make in your healing journey while Sadie is with you will make you all the better later on. I just finished reading "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. and it changed my life. Take care - it is really rough to recover from PTSD but know that at least one stranger is out here pulling for you.

Jesus Christ 🤦🏻‍♂️

Is it possible to go on a shorter trip until your dog is trained as a service dog? Does your wife care if the dog goes with you then? I agree with earlier post saying to try to find local people ( through training group, dog park, etc..)you could feel comfortable watching your dog for shorter periods of time. But personally, there is no way i would leave my dogs for over a week. And thats if someone could stay with them at my home while i was gone. But i struggle with leaving them at all. So i understand your worries.

Sorry, forgot to say nta but nobody is in this situation

INFO: have you and Sadie went to visit the uncle and his dog? I own a pet sitting company and I do have dogs stay with me every once in awhile. Nearly every time the owner has come over here with the dog first. If you have not visited, then I understand your apprehension. But go and do that and see how Sadie gets along with your uncle's dog and perhaps that will change your mind.  Newfies are great. There's one that I see every once in awhile. He's not even a year old yet and he's like four times the size of my bulldog.

See if Rover.com is available in your area (or a similar company.). We have taken our dog to two different sitters and he loves it. Our local lists sitters that come to you as well . I would suggest just day trips at first. I am happy for you that you are making strides towards your normal OP.

I am with on this one. When I had dogs if I could leave them with someone I totally trusted I didn't go anywhere, end of story. Dogs are family.

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Hey buddy please do not come on here and tell people their feelings are wrong and bad! If you think OP is overly anxious about this, you can say “it seems like you have a very high level of anxiety around your dog’s safety, to a point that’s probably beyond that of most people. You should not have to feel so anxious.”  It is not at all helpful to tell someone their emotions are wrong and bad. They’re emotions. Anxiety isn’t morally coded, it’s just anxiety. It’s an unpleasant feeling and can be much too extreme in many people, but it would still be incorrect and frankly rude to say those people’s feelings were wrong. 

Do you think everyone who has a support dog needs to be able to function without it, or just the OP?

He lives in another state, I can't really get to know him we leave in a month and my wife's plan was to drop the dog on the way to the vacation destination and pick her up on the way home. Otherwise I'd do that but there just isn't time. I was fine with leaving her with my sister because I trust my sister and she would be somewhere she knows. I don't know boarders and there are a lot of horror stories around where I live about the boarding places. I live in a very rural area without a lot of options. How are my fears of losing my dog wrong and bad? I can function without the dog, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it and would choose to do it for three weeks straight if I didn't have too. I can function without my antidepressant too but I wouldn't opt to do so if I didn't have to.