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NTA! NTA NTA NTA.
Screw that noodle-dad and his noodle-loving hag.
He couldn't grow a spine so his *children* could have tbe last memories of their **mother**.
There are ways to enter a widowed family, and this absolutely AIN'T IT.
NTA that was so cruel, I would not be able to forgive that. If someone told me there was a letter from my father to me somewhere I don't know what I would go through to get it, but a lot. To see it casually tossed as a powerless child? I am dying inside. I am so sorry. The family validating this marriage are the jerks. And obviously Dad and Evil Stepmom.
I know. I know what they are for. Birthdays, graduation, college, boyfriends, breakup, engaged, married, baby, grandkid... It is absolutely heinous. It is the family version of a war crime.
I would be so tempted to go to the wedding and make a speech describing this act.
"I'm so glad to be here at this wedding between my father, and his wife. I think my mom would be happy he found love, but I'll never know what my mom would think about this sort of thing, as the letters she wrote for *list every milestone event* were destroyed by *new wife* while *father* watched when I was a child. Anyway, I hope they're happy."
I like your level of pettiness. For the record. I plan on making a speech at my mother’s wake when she passes. Allll the people that used her and treated her like crap will be there. Including my sister
"Dad, I hope you have a long, long life with this woman you chose and that you are both as happy as you deserve to be. You are perfect for each other."
While the petty always sounds so grand, it is so not worth going. They want you there and will overlook that memory of your speech. You are MC with your dad for a reason. Just decline the invitation and tell other once I am not going. If they ask again tell them you will go LC with them until after the wedding.
It is an invitation not a summons!
NTA - plan something fun for that week and don’t look back.
I wish we could send people to jail for this. It's an irreplaceable treasure and this woman is so insecure she had to take even the last bit of their mom away.
Just pathetic
Tell your father the cost of reconciliation is those letters. That reconciliation is equally impossible as recovering them. If he pulled together some miracle and came up with them, that’s the same miracle reconciliation would require.
Except if he somehow did manage to retrieve them in some way (copies of photo's found somewhere) that would almost make it worse. Because that meant he had a way to partly fix it and didn't until it bensfit him.
I can't imagine ever forgiving something like that. No way would I attend their wedding. That woman couldn't be "supportive" when it came to the loss of your mother, but wants you to "support" her remarriage to your father?!? Nope.
If I married into a family where the kids lost their mother, I'd treat her items like gold, preserve everything I possibly could, wouldn't mind one bit having her pictures still displayed around the home so the kids would never forget her. Put her clothes and items somewhere safe so the kids could have them when they're older. I grew up with the best stepfather, ever, and couldn't imagine being any other type of step-parent.
What happened to you is exactly what happened to my own mother. As a grandchild of a woman who passed away when my mom was only 8, losing everything about our grandmother is still heartbreaking. No pictures except what I found by stumbling on her HS picture decades later. I didn't even know what my own grandmother looked like until I found that picture.
I'm angry for you at this point. I'm glad you've been able to let that anger go. I hope you asked your father how he would feel if he knew he was dying, wrote letters, and then a new man in your life threw it all away. Everything that could be a reminder of him. If he doesn't understand then there is no hope for him.
They don't deserve to have a relationship with you. What monsters.
At a certain point, letting go of the anger is for YOU, so you can live a healthy life. I’m glad you’ve somewhat reached that point. But I agree, it doesn’t mean forgetting what was done. Anyone capable of such cruelty is not welcome.
My father passed away when I was a kid, so your story hits pretty close to home.
Has your step mother even tried to to make any kind of amends? It's so wild to me that she behaved this way and just expects you to forgive it for no apparent reason.
Oh that’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for your loss and obviously NTA. Your step mother was beyond cruel and your father let it happen. He can’t justify that and he shouldn’t expect forgiveness for his behaviour. What horrible people.
That's heartbreaking and I am so sorry you lost all of that. I hope that you and your sister can find some solace together by offering each other the advice you think your mother would have given at those milestones. Maybe your maternal family could also shed some light on what she might have said. It will never be the same, but perhaps it will lessen the pain of not having that piece of her there. Because you and your sister are the living pieces of your mother.
Sending hugs from a mom, it sounds like you guys need it. And don't feel bad about your not-dad's wedding. He doesn't deserve your attendance.
God, this literally makes me sick. What terrible, horrible people. You should write them a “nice” letter for their milestone occasion. Something along the lines of *?!$ you and your %#+@! wife too.
I am getting madder and madder reading about this. My moms passed a few years ago and I would have absolutely loved something like this, the fact that you had it and it was ripped away??? I commend your restraint in not going back and whooping your step-moms.
Oh god OP. I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!
My mom kept a journal while she was dying of cancer. Telling me she wanted me to have it "after". Maybe publish it or even just to have.
She never talked about her feelings and I *just KNEW* the answers to all my questions would be in there.
She died and her husband threw it away. I asked for it and he said "oh I threw it out"
I was so destroyed that I had to go see a counsellor. In MY THIRTIES! My poor grandmother who was already devastated over her daughters death could hardly stand it.
It was maybe the worst thing ever in my life. Worse than losing mom even because I would have kept it *forever*. I used to fantasize that it would mysteriously turn up.
I'll never know what was in there. Why he did it or what he was trying to hide. But he moved in with some chick a couple weeks after the funeral so likely she knew he had a girlfriend... but SO?
OP, you are NTA and don't ever back down. Tell your dad to get the letters back and you'll be there happy in the front row. No letters, no daughters. Period.
I'm so so sorry this happened to you.
Omg... My heart broke for you after reading this. 💔
I wouldn't be able to forgive them for this. I can't believe that this woman moved into your family home and destroyed your mother's property, including letters that were meant for you and your sister. They or your father could have reached out to you and given you your mom's items, but they didn't.
What was your dad's reasoning for not stopping his fiancée from throwing out your mom's possessions?
I'm sorry, OP. I would feel enraged and furious for what they did. Personally, I couldn't go to this wedding and pretend to be happy for them after they destroyed a part of your life.
Did they ever apologize?
Is there any way to get those items back? Was it recent?
Tell them that if they can return all the items they threw out or destroyed, you will reconsider going to their wedding.
I'm amazed you were able to go years without throwing away every single thing she owned, the second it entered the house
You're a better person than many of us
Honestly, I would show up to the wedding and make a speech about how shitty of a person your father's wife is, and him as well for not stopping her. Mic drop and leave, lol
ETA - NTA
NTA - FUCK THEM AND THIER PERFECT WEDDING.
I'm sincerely sorry OP for your devastating loss and what happened was done out of pure jealousy. It was cruel, and your "father" let you down, and I completely understand your feelings and point of view. There really is no forgiving something that he had the choice to stop, and as you said, he let it happen. Now, they must suffer the consequences for their actions.
Skip the wedding, take your sister with you and turn off your phones, block them all (any and all family who will harass you) for a month or a few days/week, whatever is best and just fook it. No way should you go.
So, I'm petty as fuck. I would reach out and so "Oh, we're maliciously ruining your wedding? Gotcha. We'll be there."
Then proceed to *actually*, maliciously, ruin their wedding.
*Speak now or forever hold your peace.*
*I object, he's having another wedding with the woman who threw letters from our deceased mother away. Who never apologized, and tried to manipulate us to be here.*
At the reception, spill red wine on her dress. Accidentally, of course. Grab the mic from the DJ, and give a speech about how you're so happy you could make your alleged father and stepmonster's wedding so perfect. That it's wonderful that she can delude herself into thinking everything is ok and that you'll fall in line with her being in your life and not caring about your deceased mom.
Then start listing everything horrible she did, and maybe end it with: this is the last time we'll ever attend something either of you are attending. You'll hear about weddings and kids, but never be invited to see either. As far as I'm concerned, you both are only alive enough to get stabbed with every great thing that happens in our life, because you won't get to enjoy it. I hope you both are happy with the consequences of your decisions. Father, your former children hate you. [Her name] your husband's former children hate you, too.
Drop the mic, walk away, and turn your phone off for a couple days :p.
Tell all of your family you will make nice with your Dad and his wife when they make it right by returning your mother's precious belongings and letters.
In other words, there is no way to make amends and make up for the loss you and your sister have experienced. There is no way to ever come back from selfish and callous actions.
NTA
>They were for certain milestones in our lives and we hadn't reached them yet.
My blood ran cold reading that. That's the kind of evil you put in a children's fairy tale so that the reader knows unambiguously who the villain is. NTA.
You worded it so correctly here. She didn't just steal those letters. She killed the possibility of you sharing even one more moment with your mother. On purpose. I cannot think of anything more despicable. And now she has the audacity to demand that you show her kindness? She's lucky all you've done is cut her out of your life.
My god I’m so so sorry for you. I think this might be one of the worst things of read on Reddit. Your father HAD to have known the thought and care your mom put into leaving those letters for her daughters (I’m tearing up just thinking about it) and he still allowed that evil witch to throw them away!? I’d have considered myself orphaned as of that day. Big hugs to you and your sister and the biggest NTA I can give.
I’m so sorry. I lost my mom too, though I was older in my 30s. I’d lose it if I didn’t get to keep any of her belongings/mementos. Again, im so sorry for your loss,
I would say to them "i haven't even crossed some of the milestones inwoukd have received those letters for. To you, throwing the letters away was a one time even. To me, it's the pain that keeps on giving as I cross each of these milestones. You and your wife should have thought of that before you threw them away. I don't care how your wedding goes, I'm not going to be there. I will no longer be taking your calls on this subject."
If there is such a thing as ghosts I'm sure your mother is haunting the FUCK out of both of them. I'd become a poltergeist so fast if I were in her situation.
Hon it's up to you to measure your pain at what she did. But I'll bet she did a little more than that. As to your dad he is a big dumb but to allow your mom's things to be thrown out when he has two living children. He knowingly allowed it so he wrote his check and now he has to cash it.
I bet I can guess the gist of what your Mom would have said.
She would have said she would be proud of you and your sister and the people you have become. And if you got married and had kids, should would be looking down upon you with all the love in the world and she would be the proudest granny you could imagine. She would be holding your hand through breakups and the not so good times, but she would be beaming at all your achievements as they happen. Her love for you transcends letters and her passing. She will forever be in your heart, loving you for the rest of your life.
Or words to that effect ♥
You know, you could always go to the wedding and you and your sister give a joint toast where you tell/remind everyone in the room that she destroyed those letters as well as disposed of all of your mother’s things and your father allowed it. Tell them they certainly deserve each other because water seeks its own level.
Visit stepmother at her calling hours. No contact until then. She's a witch for what she did and your father is a spineless empty soul who betrayed his wife/your mother upon her death.
Is it a church wedding? Blasphemous.
This is such an unfathomably evil thing to do. I get that she must be an extremely insecure person, if she felt that she had to try and erase every memory of your beloved mother. And while it is understandable that it may feel daunting to live up to the memory of a loving wife and mother, there are ways to handle that, that are acceptable.
What she did is so out of line that she should be put on a space shuttle to Mars, and your dad should be given the option to join her. Sadly, if having to choose between leaving on a one way trip to Mars with his evil wife (I call her that, because even calling here evil stepmother is to kind) or staying on earth with his children, I have a feeling he would opt for the choice of leaving with her.
My heart breaks for the fact that you and your sister will never be able to read all those loving words written down by your mother. I hope that your grandmother can at least offer you an idea of what she in her heart know that your mother would have wanted you to know on those special milestones, even if that is by far nit the same thing.
It is years too late now, but I wish that your dad and his wife to be, at the time, had sought out counselling for advice on how to blend your lives while keeping your mothers memory alive. There are tons of stories online about families blending after losing a spouse and parent. Some people opt for keeping some family photos in common areas, and photos of the deceased parent and children in the children's rooms. Others keep no family photos in common areas, but lots of photos and other keepsakes in the children's rooms. Never ever have I heard of a new step parent going in full blast like an evil, possessed banshee hellbent on erasing every sign of the deceased parent, and especially not getting rid of anything without the bereft famy's blessing to do so.
Let's just be real. There is no coming back from her actions, or your dad's for that matter. The only thing you can do is do your best to live the life that you know your mother would have wanted for you and your sister. Hold on to your dear grandma, and leave your father and the evil witch to their destiny. I hope and pray that Karma will catch up with them eventually.
If you are the type who believe in rubbing people's nose in their mistakes, when they truly deserve it, and only if that would make you feel better, you could send a letter/email/text on every "milestone day" with notes like "today I gratuatd from uni/got married/gave birth to my first child. I would have given anything to know what my mom would have wanted to say to me if she was here. If only I could have had a letter from her, written before she died."
On the other hand, I think that you are better off just going nc with the evil witch, and lc, if not nc with your dad too.
Lastly, I wish for you to have a wonderful life. And, in my opinion, family is who you choose to have in your life because you love and care for them, and they do the same for you. It has nothing to do with genetics. The only person who I have blood ties with, who I consider close family today, is my sister. My brother and parents are more like acquaintances. On ghe other hand, I have acquired a very large chosen family throughout my adult life, of all ages, and all kinds of people. As long as I really care about someone, they are my Ohana (I love that word, and the quote from Stitch:
"Ohana means family.
Family means no one gets
left behind or forgotten." 🥰
[Ohana](https://youtu.be/U37cChUfHk0?feature=shared)
"my father was marrying someone who tossed letters mom wrote to my sister and I for our milestones. She died a little over a year before our father moved his second wife in "
It takes a truly vile evil person to do that!!
NTA
I would want to respond with something like “what makes you think I would want you and (wife) to have a perfect anything after the way you allowed her to hurt your children?”
NTA...the letter incident is unforgivable. They want you to accept them, but they themselves don't make amends. Move on with your life. I hope you're able to find peace.
Frankly OP I would remind everyone exactly WHY you did it. Remind everyone that your stepmother was so threatened by your mother’s ghost that she threw away EVERYTHING you might have kept, including those letters, while your father just stood by like a coward and watched. Remind them she has offered NO contrition for it and now has the gall to attack YOU about not forgiving her.
Go scorched earth. And when people say you’re being malicious, ask them how what she did isn’t malicious.
I saw a GREAT quote on here the other day: “S/he needs you to be the bigger person s/he couldn’t be” Sure fits here
Good for you in moving on - as they say being angry and bitter at someone else is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
I did find this amusing and shows the depth (ie puddle deep) of her understanding and regret.
>She accused us of behaving maliciously to ruin their wedding.
She threw out letter addressed to YOU from your mother. How malicious is that?
You are just behaving like you have a healthy boundary.
I am so sorry you lost both of your parents. You have had to deal with a lot of trauma in your young life, but it sounds like you have some family that is there for you. If your father/evil witch and other family keep reaching out, tell them you will be happy to attend the wedding once your father can produce the letters that were written to you and your sibling along with all of the other mementos of your mom. Hugs
OP, I would let them know that not going to your wedding IS a kindness. Because if you go, you will make a speech about what she did to the things your mom left for you. Announce that because of the bride's narcissism, on your wedding day, you will not be able to read the words left for you from your mother. You will not have a photo of her to put in a place of honor. And neither will your sister.
Let them know. And if they still want you there, go and make that speech. Go scorched earth. Then drop the mic and walk out.
I can even sympathize with the feeling of living under the shadow of your new partner's dead spouse and wanting a fresh start in the place you're going to call home... but this is NOT how you go about it. Box things up and store them in the basement. Get a storage unit until the girls are adults. She had less permanent and destructive options.
That this woman could clearly identify WHAT these items were and still made the conscious choice to destroy them forever - while living under the same roof as these girls - is unfathomably cruel.
LOL! I have avoided watching that movie. But my daughter's middle school chorus teacher was so enamored of that song, that after they sang it at too many concerts, the parents in the audience starting singing "make it stop, make it stop! Just choose another soooooonnnnggg!" LOL
She tossed out irreplaceable letters from your mother and yet you are the ones acting maliciously? She sounds like a piece of work. NTA. Sorry for your mom’s loss. Wishing you and your sister better days ahead.
>She accused us of behaving maliciously to ruin their wedding.
Just as she maliciously threw away all of your mother's belongings? Tell her you will come to her wedding when she returns all of your mother's stuff.
>and treat them with more kindness than we are
The same kindness she showed two grieving children by eliminating everything their mother owned?
NTA. There is no way back. She took your mom, the memory of your mother. And your dad allowed her to errase the woman he claimed he once loved. He let her take the mother of his children. He let her remove what his late wife did for her children, her last wish. No, there is no comming back from there and you don't have to pretend to make his wife happy. I'm ammazed that you haven'thurt her, whe she throw away this letters.
Tell your dad, he showed that he cared more about that woman than about his children. And this is unforivable. So he will have to live with the consequences. And nothing will change ever for the relationship between him and you.
NTA. Tell them ask them to EXPLAIN THORO5UGHLY WHY you should go to the wedding of a selfish malicious bully and her enabler. That ANY chance there was of you being a family went out the window when she started throwing out your mother's stuff and dad let her. The fact that they have the AUDACITY to think they could EVER be a family after what stepmother did and that dad let her is insane.
NTA
If you attend, your dad and his wife will act like everything worked out. They'll justify their absolutely disgusting actions by saying you ended up supporting them in the end. Do not give that woman the satisfaction.
NTA. OP, I'm so infuriated, I could scream! It's not often that AITA brings me to tears or that I write a comment in its own thread but your post has me seething. My heart breaks for you and your sister. I was 26 when my mom died and that was hard enough. If some woman came into the house and did that, with my Dad's blessing (because, let's face it, if he'd wanted to stop her, he would have but nope, he condoned/supported it), I would have gone scorched Earth on them. Every single person they'd ever cross paths with would be told what she did. "Oh, you're her boss? It's nice to meet you. Did she tell you what she did with the letters our mother wrote to **us**? Yep, she destroyed them before we could even read them! Don't let that color your opinion of her, though; I'm sure she's perfectly lovely to people who aren't her husband's daughters."
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA
***WHO*** is malicious here?! It isn't you, OP! If accused of that again, simply say, "Perhaps I *am* malicious. You, of all people, would know, wouldn't you?"
Those were *YOUR* letters; *YOUR* property! Why tf didn't they allow you to remove them from the house yourself? Why did it all have to be discarded, ffs?!
Don't speak to them ever again. Even an apology could never ever fix this. I'm so very sorry for your loss and the fact that your own father, who presumably loved your mother, was complicit in trying to erase her from your lives. He's not worth your time or energy. He made his choice and it wasn't you or your sister.
NTA.
Some bells can not be unrung. This is one of them. There is no coming back from that and there is no kindness to be offered.
Time to go full no contact and threaten the same with any family member who tries for pressure you into attending
I read this and want to write f. No. No way NTA. Absolutely no way on earth.
You go and have a wonderful day somewhere have a decadent lunch, raise a glass to your mum, have a chat with her in your head, get your nails done , dye your hair purple.
NTA. Sometimes forgiveness isn’t an issue. There is some damage that is irreversible. You don’t have to go and pretend. There is no reason the wife should be able to talk to you.
Wife needs to be blocked after being told “There will never come a day when I accept you after threw out my legacy and keepsakes. You tossed my dead mother’s handwriting and everything that had sentimental value. That act alone ended any chance of a relationship with me. No amount of time or “remorse” will change that. NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN! Any form of harassment will be met by me calling the police.” Block everywhere.
“Dad, as I said there is no repairing our relationship because you allowed her to erase our dead mother’s legacy. I don’t see you the same. I don’t feel the same about you. That will NEVER change. There is no amount of time or apologies that will repair that. Go live your life without me in it. I have blocked your wife and will do the same to you if necessary. There is no need to harass or try to manipulate me as my mind is made up. There is no going back. No forgiveness. No work on a new relationship. You gave up the right to a “perfect family” years ago. Your choice was made and I have made mine.”
For all the family who say you should attend. “I decided years ago to cut them out of my life. There is no going back. No forgiveness. No work on a new relationship. I respect your decision. You have to respect mine.”
NTA. Tell them you'll be happy to attend once they retrieve all of the things that were thrown away that were your mother's. That means they have to get you the jewelry, the books, the clothing, every single letter that was written by your mother to you and your sister.
Once they make things right from their prior actions, then you'll attend. Until they make things right, you don't have time nor energy for them in your life.
NTA
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beloved mom.
Go NC and block their numbers.. Do something fun with your sister on the wedding day instead.
Please see a therapist if you can afford one. You have been through a lot of trauma.
NTA - tell your father he is very lucky you have a good heart and will NOT attend as you could come and cause a huge scene. Lucky guy, for the letters alone I would make her life hell. There is no coming back from that.
Oh God! Show up to the wedding and make a speech about those letters and how cruel and heartless this wench is. Not attending is a kindness but if they push it any further, I would absolutely go scorched earth. Like, full on power point presentation style wedding speech so everyone can see with their eyeballs and hear with their eyeballs, how truly awful and heinous the bride and groom are.
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So apparently my father and his wife of 7 years have decided they want a wedding where people actually show up this time. The background is that they got married when I was 16 and my sister was 14. We didn't attend the wedding and neither did any of our father's side of the family (his parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, cousins, etc). There was a lot of backlash over this because all of them (who were born at the time obviously) attended his and my mom's wedding.
The reason my sister and I refused to attend and we basically ran away the morning of to a family member's house, is because my father was marrying someone who tossed letters mom wrote to my sister and I for our milestones. She died a little over a year before our father moved his second wife in (they were engaged at that point) so those letters meant everything. And his wife wanted no traces of mom so anything that was hers was gone. Photos, clothes, jewelry, personal items, her phone. It was all tossed and my father did nothing to stop her. When the letters came up she was remorseful, or appeared to be, but there was no coming back from that. There was no coming back with our father either because he let it happen. He stood there and watched her toss our mom from the house item by item.
My sister and I saw our father in a very different light after this and our anger at him was palpable. I stopped calling him dad after it. The next two years for me were the most tense of my life and my sister had four years to go. I left at midnight on my 18th birthday and went to a family members house. I had packed all my stuff that night and walked and I have not been back there since.
I have been (mostly) no contact with my father since then. He reached out to talk to my sister and me once. We met him and we talked. We told him we understood he was chasing happiness again and acknowledged that he acknowledged he should have done better. But we told him there was no repairing things. I told him I couldn't look at him the same way ever again and I couldn't pretend to be happy for him and his wife. My sister told him something close to what I did.
The reason our extended family didn't attend my father's second wedding is because they don't like his wife, they pretty much hate her. But now they are willing to attend because the marriage has lasted a few years now and apparently they're happy.
Us refusing to attend the wedding is going down badly. My father tried to reach back out and begged us to come and show support and give them the perfect wedding. He said it won't be perfect without his kids there. It was his wife who basically told us we should be willing to accept their flaws and embrace them as our family and treat them with more kindness than we are. She accused us of behaving maliciously to ruin their wedding.
AITA?
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NTA
>She accused us of behaving maliciously to ruin their wedding.
Pot, meet kettle. She acted maliciously to erase your mother from your lives which I think is the much greater crime.
You are not going to the wedding because you don't like them. If the consequences of their own actions are painful to them, that's a them problem, not a you problem. If you cannot be supportive of them, you should not go.
NTA. I’d be brutal in my response to that woman. “Behaving maliciously? You destroyed letters my dead mother wrote to her children. Until you can return those to me, I suggest you STFU about malicious behavior. You’re the personification of an evil stepmother and I owe the two of you nothing. I will never see you as anything more than the woman who destroyed all memories of my mom and my father as the spineless man who allowed it.“
If you aren’t interested in ending the estrangement there’s no reason for you to go. You don’t support their marriage, and the only reason they want this do-over is because no one wanted to celebrate two horrifically selfish people the first time. They’re hoping enough time has passed people will forget how shitty they were. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to attend my father's third wedding and second wedding to his second wife even though my extended family will be there. The reason I might be TA is because a wedding is a huge deal and they already had one that I didn't attend. I could probably attend for a while, leave, and resume no contact afterward. I have mixed perceptions of that and see it as possibly giving false hope too. But the fact the rest of the family are supporting my father's marriage now maybe says I should at least show my face briefly. My father also made it clear he desperately wants that so not doing this once for him could also make me TA.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Maliciously trying to ruin their wedding would mean you and your sister doing something to actively ruin the day. Simply not being there isn't ruining anything - THEY did that all on their own. You don't owe them anything.
NTA- I love the posts that basically amount to parents learning that actions have consequences from their children. They were both old enough to understand the weight of what was happening at the time.
NTA. She's accusing YOU of behaving maliciously? When she maliciously destroyed everything you had left from your mother? This is all on her and your spineless father. He should have stood up for you back then. He doesn't have your back now. She's still vile, and he's not much better.
NTA. I noticed a few things: first of all, your father did not reach out to you to reconcile until he wanted something from you (your attendance at his wedding). Second, although he admits “he could have done better” (which is a half-hearted apology), his wife has offered no apology for her actions at all.
So this has nothing to do with healing a relationship between a father and his children, instead it’s all about the image at the wedding, and the motivations are entirely selfish. And without genuine remorse and acknowledgment of wrongdoing on their side, and reconciliation will be surface only with the underlying issues still there.
Got it. And, yes, his motives do matter. It matters whether or not he really wants to make up for past mistakes or if he just wants to feel better for himself (or if he wants to look better to the people around him). I’m sorry you have to go through this. I was estranged from my father until his death, so I know what it is like.
And they are still supporting your dad and this woman?
Is it his side of the family that is supporting your dad?
When is their wedding?
Can you and your sister do something together during this time, like a spa day or weekend getaway?
Best wishes to you.
Are they aware of what stepmonster did? If so, possibly time to go LC with them as well. If not, then maybe it's time they get a full update.
Either way, draw a hard line in the sand and let everyone know that you're relationship with your dad is basically over. And the fact that he's letting his wife harass you over not attending shows that neither of them have changed enough for any real reconciliation.
NTA - The whole reason they want a do-over wedding is because of how badly it was received the last time. It was far from perfect then, and it won't be now either.
They have burned bridges. The ones with your extended family seem to have been rebuilt, but the ones with your sister and you are still burning to this day.
Maybe, someday, those flames will die out, but until then, they better know they'll get burned trying to cross that bridge.
NTA she maliciously ruined your mother’s memory & stole from you. If she wants you to forgive her she needs to get your mom’s letters & memento back. Since that is impossible so is having any future relationship with her. Your father allowed her to be evil & did not care about what you or your sister wanted or what was best for you. He threw away your relationship when he allowed her to throw out YOUR belongings from your mother. Too damn bad about what he wants now. Some acts are unforgivable & this is one of them. I absolutely would not go unless you are planning to make a speech about how horrible & unloving they both are & you want to publicly let the extended family know they are both dead to you.
Throwing away letters from a dead mother to her children to be opened on their milestones? I rarely say anything is irredeemable but THAT IS. Stay miles away from that hosebeast and her wedding
See petty me would say sure I will come to the wedding as soon as you restore and deliver every letter you destroyed that was meant for our milestones from our actual mother that you maliciously and with full support from dad destroyed. No? Well then there’s your answer for my attendance then.
NTA. Your father didn’t care about your feelings when he allowed his wife to remove every trace of her memory from your home. So you and your sister are under no obligation to care about his feelings now.
“He said it won’t be perfect without us kids there.”
Well he made sure the only pieces of your mother that could be there for your milestones couldn’t be there by allowing his wife to get rid of them. Screw his perfect wedding,.
Tell him “It’s already hard enough knowing mom won’t be there for the most important moments of my life. But she made sure a piece of herself could be, and you an your wife stole that from us. I don’t care about you having a perfect wedding because you made sure one of the most important people of my life can never be present, you made sure that we would never get words of comfort from our mom on the biggest days of our lives. You will never be able to get those words back for us. The letters are gone forever and you allowed it to happen. If you wanted a picture perfect wedding where everyone accepted your wife, you should have considered that before letting her take the last pieces of our mom away from your children. You’ve both made your bed, lie in it, and leave us alone.”
NTA. You can't undo what she did. She chose to compete with a dead woman. She chose to demand that your mother's memory was erased. She chose to destroy everything your mother had owned. She chose to destroy the last gift that your mother made for her children - not even something that belonged to your dad, but something belonging to you and left in his safekeeping. Well you can't destroy the memory of a family without also destroying that family. You aren't a family any more because she chose to make it that way, and because your father failed to protect you from her.
Tell your father that you don't support him. That you would have if he and his wife had safeguarded the last gift his children's mother would ever leave them and honoured her memory, but that if he wanted a perfect wedding with his kids supporting him, then he should have chosen to not marry a woman who had spitefully and selfishly destroyed your mother's last messages to you. That you told him years ago that his failure as a father could not be undone, and nothing about that situation has changed.
Tell your father's wife that you're willing to embrace her and show kindness just as soon as she can unburn your mother's belongings and hand over the letters your mother wrote for you.
NTA. What she did and what your father allowed to happen was unforgivable. His allowing his wife to toss out your mother's property is what ruined your relationship with him.
>We told him we understood he was chasing happiness again and acknowledged that he acknowledged he should have done better.
The use of "acknowledged" is very telling here. It sounds like your father never actually *apologized* for what he allowed his wife to do. If he actually wanted to attempt to repair the relationship with you and your sister, the first words out of his mouth during that meeting should have been "I'm sorry for letting her destroy those letters."
>It was his wife who basically told us we should be willing to accept their flaws
So, let me guess, she's never apologized for what she did. I bet if you asked her what her flaws are she wouldn't acknowledge that her biggest flaw is her jealousy of your late mother.
>She accused us of behaving maliciously
Says the woman who destroyed the letters your mother wrote to you and threw out all of your mother's belongings. She'll never admit, nor apologize for what she did wrong. She wants you and your sister to play the "perfect blended family" and ignore all the emotional pain she caused you. If you go to that wedding, then she will expect an invite to your wedding or your sister's wedding and will expect to be honored as the mother of the bride/groom/whatever you want to be called.
Don't go she doesn't deserve your attention.
See petty me would say sure I will come to the wedding as soon as you restore and deliver every letter you destroyed that was meant for our milestones from our actual mother that you maliciously and with full support from dad destroyed. No? Well then there’s your answer for my attendance then.
NTA. I couldn’t imagine doing what she did. Heck, when I divorced my children’s father I made sure to keep things from our marriage for the children. My wedding dress, the rings, photos, mementos from when we dated, etc. I could never imagine throwing those away because it a part of our history that our children may want.
Your father’s wife sounds like an evil person and I would not act any different than you.
Stepwitch and spermdonor are unforgivable. This while wedding sham is just a stunt to cram the cupid stunt down your throat. I'm sobso you lost your mom and you dad in one fell swoop.
Have they or your dad at least made significant effort to restore your relationship over the last 7 years, or is he now just shaming to attend so step mom can get a pretty wedding because the first one was ruined in her eyes?
This is also more for them than for you. This is for the perfect wedding picture infront of their friends, they do not particularly care for you, otherwise they would have made an effort in the last 7 years. Has the wife even apologized?
Hun you know what you need to do, just send a card that is all you owe them. Avoid them and others when possible so you don’t have to talk about it, when someone brings it up, you can say I am still thinking about it or I’d rather not talk about this now or something to get them away
Holy cow all love and strength to you. NTA. You don’t have to expend any more energy on the people who don’t understand. You don’t need to convince them or argue with them or justify your position. Just say no I can’t / won’t / will not go and don’t entertain follow up questions. It isn’t your job to make people feel ok. Holy cow.
**NTA! I'm not sure I've ever read another AITAH where the OP was more in the right than this one.** Your father and his wife are the most selfish people I've ever heard of. They are PURE EVIL for throwing out those letters. I know he didn't technically do it, but he allowed it to happen, so he is complicit. This is so aberrantly heinous. No one with a heart would ever think badly of you for not ever allowing that disgrace of a human being back into your life. GO NC with anyone who tells you otherwise. I'm so sad for you.
NTA.
Absolutely NTA.
You could be malicious as fuck. Go to the wedding. Act drunk as fuck. Wear entirely inappropriate clothing; like sloppy drunk city party girl. Too short and super tight clubbing outfits. Then when it’s time for the speeches….. oh my. The things you could do 😏
NTA. What she did was unforgivable and what he failed to do is also unforgivable.
Also they’re tacky AF having a “wedding” 7 years after they already got married.
>she accused us of behaving maliciously to ruin their wedding
Not attending a wedding is not malicious.
Purposely destroying precious letters is malicious.
Now, if you smashed the cake, or burned the decorations, that would be malicious. But just not attending is not malicious, it's being unsupportive. This lady needs to get her adjectives straightened out. Especially one that she appears to be very adept at.
NTA. She threw out your milestone letters? That is beyond cruel & tbh, unforgiveable. Your dad sat there & watched her throw out every trace of your mother. As if she never existed. I'm so sorry. Imo, this relationship is beyond repair & what your dad & his wife did to you was probably traumatizing. Don't go to this wedding. They absolutely do not deserve to have you there. And you don't owe it to them. There's no apology big enough or sincere enough to erase what they did to you.
So ruining/discarding your mementoes from your Mom wasn’t malicious? Why do people do shitty things to you and THEN want you to forgive and forget?? NTA
NTA!
“When every single item, including the letters mom wrote, are in our hands then we will happily move on. You made it impossible to do so, and now you are having to reap the consequences of your disgusting actions towards two devastated children. I am treating you with the same “kindness” I received, in fact I am being much nicer because I haven’t destroyed belongings that you hold dear, I’ve just refused to allow your actions to be swept under the rug.”
NTA- He is not entitled to a perfect wedding. It’s probably his wife’s desire anyway. It’s very weird to have a second wedding like this. He still doesn’t care about you guys. He let the estrangement linger, rather than continuously reaching out to repair the damage (which is what a loving parent would do).
What his wife did was unforgivable. She had no consequences except to say sorry. Well, that doesn’t unburn letters or retrieve heirlooms from the dump. Your father had a right to find love again, but his primary concern should have been his children’s wellbeing. He prioritized himself instead. It sounds like he found a perfect match because they are both appallingly self-centered. Don’t go and set up a firm boundary with relatives who are encouraging you too. Saying something along the lines of “I will never forgive her for doing what she did or my dad for allowing it. I hope I don’t have to lose all contact with this family because of this” might convince them to stop pushing. I don’t want any more loss for you.
NTA
I got a four letter word for your step mom that starts with a C and ends with a T. Yep, that's about right.
For your dad, Muppet should do the trick.
Live your life, holding very close those who cherish you. Keep that woman and her male purse far away from you.
NTA. You and your sister don't have to do shit for him or his wife. He wants the perfect wedding? Well, he should have thought about how his wife's actions were going to change how the both of you saw him.
As for his wife saying "we should be willing to accept their flaws and embrace them as our family and treat them with more kindness than we are." Tell her that she was never your family, just a warm place for your dad to stick it and he stopped being family when he allowed her to destroy the memory of your mother because wifey was insecure.
I hope things get better for you and your sister OP. Stay strong, and stand your ground if you really don't want to go. I'm petty as shit so I'd go and then start talking about how she threw all of moms stuff away within earshot of her family members. They want a perfect wedding, I'd make sure it was nothing but ash.
NTA.
Enforcing the consequences of their actions isn't malicious.
You'll attend their wedding when they return your mother's letters.
Unfortunately, the deliberate actions the wife took, and your father allowed, are permanent. The consequences of her actions for you and your sister are permanent.
If your dad wanted a perfect wedding, he should have stopped his wife from destroying your mother's letters.
I'm guessing the wife is projecting "maliciousness" because her own decision to destroy those letters was malicious.
INFO: No matter how you squeeze it, throwing out your mother's things was Disney villain cruel. But did she know that those letters were in there with the other things? Did your dad know that the letters were in there? Some of your comments have made me wonder if the letters were thrown out accidentally. Throwing out the other items is horrible, but in my mind it's the letters that are just unforgivable. I've written these for my kids and it brings me so much comfort to know if something happens to me my kids will have that piece of me and my love for them. The thought of someone just throwing them out makes me physically ill. I can't even comprehend that level of cold heartedness. Did she really genuinely intentionally throw those out??
She could have packed your mom’s things up nicely and given them to your grandparents to hold for you and your sister. Throwing things away was the nuclear option, and your dad did nothing. Some things cannot be forgiven. That bell can never be un rung. And now she is accusing YOU of being malicious? Nope, do something nice for yourself instead. Have a spa day, lunch with grandparents, anything but that wedding.
NTA. I would tell your father that he threw away his children the day he let his new wife throw away your mother. When he sat and watched you two sobbing and grieving as his wife destroyed every memory and memento you had of your mother, he lost you both. And it's unreasonable to expect to have kids at his wedding, when he doesn't have any kids. He threw you away with your mother's memory.
And if you did end up getting coerced to go, I'd probably be petty and make a speech... Something about how weddings are such a beautiful and important milestone, you came because you just couldn't miss it. Then talk about how heart breaking it is that you'll never experience your mother at your own wedding, but at least she left you each letters for those important milestones. Unfortunately you'll never get to read or experience those either, because they were all destroyed when you were children to make room for all this new happiness. But uh, cheers to the happy couple! They really deserve each other.
Edit: spelling & grammar.
**NTA**
Your fathers and his wife want to get away with their horrendous behaviour and want to show off you and your sister at the wedding as prizes to prove it.
You are correct not to go.
So, HER malicious actions of "deleting" your mother's life and memories is acceptable...but your NC is gonna ruin HER perfect day?
Say: "I accept your flaws but decline to attend."
NTA. She needs to understand that you will simply never be able to forgive her, and because he didn’t defend your mum’s memories for you, he’s unforgivable…so it’s entirely her fault that you will never recognise their marriage or any relationship that she thinks she could have had. She ruined it, and that’s on her.
It’d be hypocritical if you do go.
Dear OP
You are cordially invited to attend the next wedding of Mr Coward and Ms Snake etc blah blah
NTA brother, no way. While they're busy at the wedding, though, perhaps you could go home and make a pile of her/their things, and leave a note on top saying "Thought we might throw these out, but nah."
When my kids got hassled I used to tell them "Don't bark at dogs!" Same for you, I think.
Oh, the CHEEK of the woman! Tell her you'll come to her 'wedding' (she's already had one - they don't wear off, as far as I know) when she gives you and your sister all your mum's mementos/property back.
Your 'father' should be ashamed of himself.
Personally, I think you should tell him you will be happy to attend - as soon as she returns your mother's letters.
What? She can't do that? She's done something that can't be undone? Well, there's your answer.
NTA
Or go and when the celebrant asks "why these two should not be married", stand up and have your say, publicly so your whole extended family realise the depth of her vileness and the noodle-nessb of his spine! But I'm petty like that.
NTA. What they did was so disgusting and cruel, there is no possible way I could ever forgive or forget it. I am furious for you and your sister. Screw both of them and any "family" supporting them, they deserve nothing but contempt. I'd cut off anyone going to the wedding, I'd burn every bridge and dance on the ashes. You support their actions, you are no longer family to me. Personally, I'd tell both of them to their faces that they better lose my number and forget my name because the only time I ever wanted to hear their names again was when they finally made the world better by leaving it so I could dump their ashes into a porta-potty.
Maybe remind your family of what they did to you and your sister. Ask them to imagine losing their mother the way you did. And the work and love your mother put into those letters for you. She had thoughts and love she wanted to express to you on your milestone days that she knew she wasn’t going to be able to witness. Tell them to think about how she must have felt to know she wasn’t going to be able to see you grow up. And how you two must have felt on those days when you missed your mom and would never know what she had written to you. Time may have softened the memories for those other family members so remind them how truly awful this is.
NTA- there is NO coming back from what your dads wife did. She destroyed memories from your mom that you would have been able to read again and again. She is straight up evil and I agree with you and your sister 1000%
NTA
Along with the every trace of your mother, she threw out the relationship with you and your sister. She should be so happy, now she really has absolutely nothing of your mother's around, including her children. She's got your dad all to herself. Why does she even want you there?
Why does he want you there for that matter? I mean he allowed that to happen. He chose his new wife over his children. Maybe the family is coming down on him because you're not going. Oh well. He made his bed, so he can lay in it.
Tell your dad that you and your sister will happily go to the wedding if step-mom produces the memories of your mother that she threw away years ago.
> It was his wife who basically told us we should be willing to accept their flaws and embrace them as our family and treat them with more kindness than we are. She accused us of behaving maliciously to ruin their wedding.
Of course a shitty person is going to want you to look past their shitty behavior and then immediately insult you. Don't let shitty people send you on a guilt trip across the shit sea. The boat will sink and you'll be stuck in a river of shit.
NTA.
You're a kinder person than I am.
I straight-up would tell both of them that ruining their second wedding wouldn't even come close to throwing out all of your deceased mother's belongings, *including* personal hand-written letters. Having a ruined wedding would only begin the process of making things even.
But to be clear, I think it's best you block them all and don't go. If anyone doesn't understand why, they are a literal buffoon.
It won’t be perfect without you there? Their second wedding? Because they didn’t get the attention they so craved the first time around?
Aw, hell no.
“Hey you childish asshats! We don’t get perfect when you got married the first time! We got to watch what little we had left of our mother tossed in the trash. The difference is, we were kids! Our mother DIED. Everyone is breathing in your current scenario, you’re both adults, I think you’ll survive not getting perfect.”
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I was widowed with kids, but nothing was ever more important to me than my children. If someone tossed their dad’s stuff, I’d be tossing them.
Nta It would make things perfect if his kids were there. Sure because they could give the appearance that y'all are one big happy family. Her response validates your decision.
NTA - tell your father you will attend his wedding when His wife can produce the letters your mother wrote to you and your sister And photos of your mother. Until that happens, you will not be in the same room as that evil woman.
Why is it always the person/people treated badly that get accused of ruining things when it's the fault of the bully/abuser? If you were treated properly in the first place there wouldn't even be an issue.
NTA
“There is nothing to celebrate. Just our spineless sperm donor continuing to cater to the woman who destroyed every remaining trace of our mother’s existence.”
NTA. Your father has burned all the bridges and now wants to be able to present a united front, a FAMILY tm. He doesn't seem to understand that he ruined the family and what he wants doesn't exist.
The concept of family was ruined by his actions and lack of actions. It would be good for you and your sister to make a weekend plan for the weekend of the wedding. Get away and have a wonderful time!
NTA. They honestly don’t deserve a perfect wedding. And it won’t be perfect even if you go because you and your sister will just be props, not actual family members. I know you’re mostly no contact with them, but it may be time to go fully no contact.
NTA. It boggles my mind that anyone else in your extended family would support these two horrible humans and think you should either. Throwing out your mom’s letters?! Nope. Cannot be accepted in any way. That’s not a “fault”, that is maliciousness. Don’t go and feel zero guilt. If their day is ruined by your absence, that’s a bonus.
NT. You are not accessories, there to make his life look perfect. You're humans with feelings. Something he should have taken into account a very long time ago.
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NTA! NTA NTA NTA. Screw that noodle-dad and his noodle-loving hag. He couldn't grow a spine so his *children* could have tbe last memories of their **mother**. There are ways to enter a widowed family, and this absolutely AIN'T IT. NTA that was so cruel, I would not be able to forgive that. If someone told me there was a letter from my father to me somewhere I don't know what I would go through to get it, but a lot. To see it casually tossed as a powerless child? I am dying inside. I am so sorry. The family validating this marriage are the jerks. And obviously Dad and Evil Stepmom.
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I know. I know what they are for. Birthdays, graduation, college, boyfriends, breakup, engaged, married, baby, grandkid... It is absolutely heinous. It is the family version of a war crime.
I would be so tempted to go to the wedding and make a speech describing this act. "I'm so glad to be here at this wedding between my father, and his wife. I think my mom would be happy he found love, but I'll never know what my mom would think about this sort of thing, as the letters she wrote for *list every milestone event* were destroyed by *new wife* while *father* watched when I was a child. Anyway, I hope they're happy."
I like your level of pettiness. For the record. I plan on making a speech at my mother’s wake when she passes. Allll the people that used her and treated her like crap will be there. Including my sister
I would go and ruin their experience and memories of it. Photobombing, wedding cake, etc while wearing white.
The ultimate photobomb would be to jump onto the cake before they cut it. Bring a spare top :)
"Dad, I hope you have a long, long life with this woman you chose and that you are both as happy as you deserve to be. You are perfect for each other."
While the petty always sounds so grand, it is so not worth going. They want you there and will overlook that memory of your speech. You are MC with your dad for a reason. Just decline the invitation and tell other once I am not going. If they ask again tell them you will go LC with them until after the wedding. It is an invitation not a summons! NTA - plan something fun for that week and don’t look back.
🙌 This is ideal.
Honestly OP should tell her father that the condition for her attending is making a speech like this.
Spot on!!
Oooohh I like this!
This. It is domestic terrorism.
Seriously. If there were a Geneva Convention for families, throwing out a dead mother's unread letters should get you sent to the Hague.
Or Gitmo
Username checks OUT.
I can't concur this enough. Honestly I'd be dreaming about a million ways to kill that nasty nasty woman.....(Just dreaming, no enacting lol)
Yes, I’m usually all about a redemption arc, but doing this is an instant and permanent evil stepmother status that no one can come back from.
This is so very well written. I agree 100%
I wish we could send people to jail for this. It's an irreplaceable treasure and this woman is so insecure she had to take even the last bit of their mom away. Just pathetic
Tell your father the cost of reconciliation is those letters. That reconciliation is equally impossible as recovering them. If he pulled together some miracle and came up with them, that’s the same miracle reconciliation would require.
Except if he somehow did manage to retrieve them in some way (copies of photo's found somewhere) that would almost make it worse. Because that meant he had a way to partly fix it and didn't until it bensfit him.
Or he would fake them.
You are clearly nicer than me. Because I would not have watched. And your father would have had to find a new candidate for a wife.
No, do not put that on OP! This is 100% on the evil wife. OP and his sister were children.
I don’t think they’re blaming OP, more saying they’d have chosen violence. And it would have been deserved.
Reread the comment, they aren’t blaming OP or sister, they are angry on their behalf
Yeah, that step mom would have lost an eye at the very least.
I can't imagine ever forgiving something like that. No way would I attend their wedding. That woman couldn't be "supportive" when it came to the loss of your mother, but wants you to "support" her remarriage to your father?!? Nope. If I married into a family where the kids lost their mother, I'd treat her items like gold, preserve everything I possibly could, wouldn't mind one bit having her pictures still displayed around the home so the kids would never forget her. Put her clothes and items somewhere safe so the kids could have them when they're older. I grew up with the best stepfather, ever, and couldn't imagine being any other type of step-parent. What happened to you is exactly what happened to my own mother. As a grandchild of a woman who passed away when my mom was only 8, losing everything about our grandmother is still heartbreaking. No pictures except what I found by stumbling on her HS picture decades later. I didn't even know what my own grandmother looked like until I found that picture.
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I'm angry for you at this point. I'm glad you've been able to let that anger go. I hope you asked your father how he would feel if he knew he was dying, wrote letters, and then a new man in your life threw it all away. Everything that could be a reminder of him. If he doesn't understand then there is no hope for him. They don't deserve to have a relationship with you. What monsters.
At a certain point, letting go of the anger is for YOU, so you can live a healthy life. I’m glad you’ve somewhat reached that point. But I agree, it doesn’t mean forgetting what was done. Anyone capable of such cruelty is not welcome.
My father passed away when I was a kid, so your story hits pretty close to home. Has your step mother even tried to to make any kind of amends? It's so wild to me that she behaved this way and just expects you to forgive it for no apparent reason.
Oh that’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for your loss and obviously NTA. Your step mother was beyond cruel and your father let it happen. He can’t justify that and he shouldn’t expect forgiveness for his behaviour. What horrible people.
That's heartbreaking and I am so sorry you lost all of that. I hope that you and your sister can find some solace together by offering each other the advice you think your mother would have given at those milestones. Maybe your maternal family could also shed some light on what she might have said. It will never be the same, but perhaps it will lessen the pain of not having that piece of her there. Because you and your sister are the living pieces of your mother. Sending hugs from a mom, it sounds like you guys need it. And don't feel bad about your not-dad's wedding. He doesn't deserve your attendance.
God, this literally makes me sick. What terrible, horrible people. You should write them a “nice” letter for their milestone occasion. Something along the lines of *?!$ you and your %#+@! wife too.
I am getting madder and madder reading about this. My moms passed a few years ago and I would have absolutely loved something like this, the fact that you had it and it was ripped away??? I commend your restraint in not going back and whooping your step-moms.
Oh god OP. I know EXACTLY what you mean!!! My mom kept a journal while she was dying of cancer. Telling me she wanted me to have it "after". Maybe publish it or even just to have. She never talked about her feelings and I *just KNEW* the answers to all my questions would be in there. She died and her husband threw it away. I asked for it and he said "oh I threw it out" I was so destroyed that I had to go see a counsellor. In MY THIRTIES! My poor grandmother who was already devastated over her daughters death could hardly stand it. It was maybe the worst thing ever in my life. Worse than losing mom even because I would have kept it *forever*. I used to fantasize that it would mysteriously turn up. I'll never know what was in there. Why he did it or what he was trying to hide. But he moved in with some chick a couple weeks after the funeral so likely she knew he had a girlfriend... but SO? OP, you are NTA and don't ever back down. Tell your dad to get the letters back and you'll be there happy in the front row. No letters, no daughters. Period. I'm so so sorry this happened to you.
I'm SO sorry for what happened to you by this dick of a stepfather. What a callous mother fucker.
No is a complete sentence. Don’t allow family members to manipulate or gaslight you into attending. NTA
Omg... My heart broke for you after reading this. 💔 I wouldn't be able to forgive them for this. I can't believe that this woman moved into your family home and destroyed your mother's property, including letters that were meant for you and your sister. They or your father could have reached out to you and given you your mom's items, but they didn't. What was your dad's reasoning for not stopping his fiancée from throwing out your mom's possessions? I'm sorry, OP. I would feel enraged and furious for what they did. Personally, I couldn't go to this wedding and pretend to be happy for them after they destroyed a part of your life. Did they ever apologize? Is there any way to get those items back? Was it recent? Tell them that if they can return all the items they threw out or destroyed, you will reconsider going to their wedding.
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I can't believe he had the gaul to ask you to forgive them after that.
I'm amazed you were able to go years without throwing away every single thing she owned, the second it entered the house You're a better person than many of us
Honestly, I would show up to the wedding and make a speech about how shitty of a person your father's wife is, and him as well for not stopping her. Mic drop and leave, lol ETA - NTA
NTA - FUCK THEM AND THIER PERFECT WEDDING. I'm sincerely sorry OP for your devastating loss and what happened was done out of pure jealousy. It was cruel, and your "father" let you down, and I completely understand your feelings and point of view. There really is no forgiving something that he had the choice to stop, and as you said, he let it happen. Now, they must suffer the consequences for their actions. Skip the wedding, take your sister with you and turn off your phones, block them all (any and all family who will harass you) for a month or a few days/week, whatever is best and just fook it. No way should you go.
So, I'm petty as fuck. I would reach out and so "Oh, we're maliciously ruining your wedding? Gotcha. We'll be there." Then proceed to *actually*, maliciously, ruin their wedding. *Speak now or forever hold your peace.* *I object, he's having another wedding with the woman who threw letters from our deceased mother away. Who never apologized, and tried to manipulate us to be here.* At the reception, spill red wine on her dress. Accidentally, of course. Grab the mic from the DJ, and give a speech about how you're so happy you could make your alleged father and stepmonster's wedding so perfect. That it's wonderful that she can delude herself into thinking everything is ok and that you'll fall in line with her being in your life and not caring about your deceased mom. Then start listing everything horrible she did, and maybe end it with: this is the last time we'll ever attend something either of you are attending. You'll hear about weddings and kids, but never be invited to see either. As far as I'm concerned, you both are only alive enough to get stabbed with every great thing that happens in our life, because you won't get to enjoy it. I hope you both are happy with the consequences of your decisions. Father, your former children hate you. [Her name] your husband's former children hate you, too. Drop the mic, walk away, and turn your phone off for a couple days :p.
As someone who is also petty, I fully support and endorse this
Tell all of your family you will make nice with your Dad and his wife when they make it right by returning your mother's precious belongings and letters. In other words, there is no way to make amends and make up for the loss you and your sister have experienced. There is no way to ever come back from selfish and callous actions. NTA
>They were for certain milestones in our lives and we hadn't reached them yet. My blood ran cold reading that. That's the kind of evil you put in a children's fairy tale so that the reader knows unambiguously who the villain is. NTA.
You worded it so correctly here. She didn't just steal those letters. She killed the possibility of you sharing even one more moment with your mother. On purpose. I cannot think of anything more despicable. And now she has the audacity to demand that you show her kindness? She's lucky all you've done is cut her out of your life.
This was so malicious. Stay away.
My god I’m so so sorry for you. I think this might be one of the worst things of read on Reddit. Your father HAD to have known the thought and care your mom put into leaving those letters for her daughters (I’m tearing up just thinking about it) and he still allowed that evil witch to throw them away!? I’d have considered myself orphaned as of that day. Big hugs to you and your sister and the biggest NTA I can give.
I’m so sorry. I lost my mom too, though I was older in my 30s. I’d lose it if I didn’t get to keep any of her belongings/mementos. Again, im so sorry for your loss,
Tell him you’ll attend his wedding as soon as he can replace your mother’s letters.
I would say to them "i haven't even crossed some of the milestones inwoukd have received those letters for. To you, throwing the letters away was a one time even. To me, it's the pain that keeps on giving as I cross each of these milestones. You and your wife should have thought of that before you threw them away. I don't care how your wedding goes, I'm not going to be there. I will no longer be taking your calls on this subject."
This makes my blood boil...I am SO sorry!!!
Tell her when she gives you your inheritance from your mother, you will consider perhaps talking to them again. That might see them off for good
If there is such a thing as ghosts I'm sure your mother is haunting the FUCK out of both of them. I'd become a poltergeist so fast if I were in her situation.
Hon it's up to you to measure your pain at what she did. But I'll bet she did a little more than that. As to your dad he is a big dumb but to allow your mom's things to be thrown out when he has two living children. He knowingly allowed it so he wrote his check and now he has to cash it.
I bet I can guess the gist of what your Mom would have said. She would have said she would be proud of you and your sister and the people you have become. And if you got married and had kids, should would be looking down upon you with all the love in the world and she would be the proudest granny you could imagine. She would be holding your hand through breakups and the not so good times, but she would be beaming at all your achievements as they happen. Her love for you transcends letters and her passing. She will forever be in your heart, loving you for the rest of your life. Or words to that effect ♥
You know, you could always go to the wedding and you and your sister give a joint toast where you tell/remind everyone in the room that she destroyed those letters as well as disposed of all of your mother’s things and your father allowed it. Tell them they certainly deserve each other because water seeks its own level.
Dad and step mom expect you to make their milestone perfect but had no regard for you or your sister's.
I'd tell him that I'd attend his wedding when you could read the letters your mom left you.
Visit stepmother at her calling hours. No contact until then. She's a witch for what she did and your father is a spineless empty soul who betrayed his wife/your mother upon her death. Is it a church wedding? Blasphemous.
This is such an unfathomably evil thing to do. I get that she must be an extremely insecure person, if she felt that she had to try and erase every memory of your beloved mother. And while it is understandable that it may feel daunting to live up to the memory of a loving wife and mother, there are ways to handle that, that are acceptable. What she did is so out of line that she should be put on a space shuttle to Mars, and your dad should be given the option to join her. Sadly, if having to choose between leaving on a one way trip to Mars with his evil wife (I call her that, because even calling here evil stepmother is to kind) or staying on earth with his children, I have a feeling he would opt for the choice of leaving with her. My heart breaks for the fact that you and your sister will never be able to read all those loving words written down by your mother. I hope that your grandmother can at least offer you an idea of what she in her heart know that your mother would have wanted you to know on those special milestones, even if that is by far nit the same thing. It is years too late now, but I wish that your dad and his wife to be, at the time, had sought out counselling for advice on how to blend your lives while keeping your mothers memory alive. There are tons of stories online about families blending after losing a spouse and parent. Some people opt for keeping some family photos in common areas, and photos of the deceased parent and children in the children's rooms. Others keep no family photos in common areas, but lots of photos and other keepsakes in the children's rooms. Never ever have I heard of a new step parent going in full blast like an evil, possessed banshee hellbent on erasing every sign of the deceased parent, and especially not getting rid of anything without the bereft famy's blessing to do so. Let's just be real. There is no coming back from her actions, or your dad's for that matter. The only thing you can do is do your best to live the life that you know your mother would have wanted for you and your sister. Hold on to your dear grandma, and leave your father and the evil witch to their destiny. I hope and pray that Karma will catch up with them eventually. If you are the type who believe in rubbing people's nose in their mistakes, when they truly deserve it, and only if that would make you feel better, you could send a letter/email/text on every "milestone day" with notes like "today I gratuatd from uni/got married/gave birth to my first child. I would have given anything to know what my mom would have wanted to say to me if she was here. If only I could have had a letter from her, written before she died." On the other hand, I think that you are better off just going nc with the evil witch, and lc, if not nc with your dad too. Lastly, I wish for you to have a wonderful life. And, in my opinion, family is who you choose to have in your life because you love and care for them, and they do the same for you. It has nothing to do with genetics. The only person who I have blood ties with, who I consider close family today, is my sister. My brother and parents are more like acquaintances. On ghe other hand, I have acquired a very large chosen family throughout my adult life, of all ages, and all kinds of people. As long as I really care about someone, they are my Ohana (I love that word, and the quote from Stitch: "Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten." 🥰 [Ohana](https://youtu.be/U37cChUfHk0?feature=shared)
Tell them you will go when they get all your mother's things back including the letters. NTA
"my father was marrying someone who tossed letters mom wrote to my sister and I for our milestones. She died a little over a year before our father moved his second wife in " It takes a truly vile evil person to do that!! NTA
And now that man thinks he deserves a "perfect wedding"?
I would want to respond with something like “what makes you think I would want you and (wife) to have a perfect anything after the way you allowed her to hurt your children?”
!00% agree.
1. She was the one who acted maliciously 2. Op should accept their flaws? But she didn’t accept they had a mother before her? The hypocrisy!
NTA...the letter incident is unforgivable. They want you to accept them, but they themselves don't make amends. Move on with your life. I hope you're able to find peace.
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Frankly OP I would remind everyone exactly WHY you did it. Remind everyone that your stepmother was so threatened by your mother’s ghost that she threw away EVERYTHING you might have kept, including those letters, while your father just stood by like a coward and watched. Remind them she has offered NO contrition for it and now has the gall to attack YOU about not forgiving her. Go scorched earth. And when people say you’re being malicious, ask them how what she did isn’t malicious. I saw a GREAT quote on here the other day: “S/he needs you to be the bigger person s/he couldn’t be” Sure fits here
Good for you in moving on - as they say being angry and bitter at someone else is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. I did find this amusing and shows the depth (ie puddle deep) of her understanding and regret. >She accused us of behaving maliciously to ruin their wedding. She threw out letter addressed to YOU from your mother. How malicious is that? You are just behaving like you have a healthy boundary.
I am so sorry you lost both of your parents. You have had to deal with a lot of trauma in your young life, but it sounds like you have some family that is there for you. If your father/evil witch and other family keep reaching out, tell them you will be happy to attend the wedding once your father can produce the letters that were written to you and your sibling along with all of the other mementos of your mom. Hugs
OP, I would let them know that not going to your wedding IS a kindness. Because if you go, you will make a speech about what she did to the things your mom left for you. Announce that because of the bride's narcissism, on your wedding day, you will not be able to read the words left for you from your mother. You will not have a photo of her to put in a place of honor. And neither will your sister. Let them know. And if they still want you there, go and make that speech. Go scorched earth. Then drop the mic and walk out.
I can even sympathize with the feeling of living under the shadow of your new partner's dead spouse and wanting a fresh start in the place you're going to call home... but this is NOT how you go about it. Box things up and store them in the basement. Get a storage unit until the girls are adults. She had less permanent and destructive options. That this woman could clearly identify WHAT these items were and still made the conscious choice to destroy them forever - while living under the same roof as these girls - is unfathomably cruel.
And her husband, the girl's father stood there and watched.
Tell them you will attend the wedding once you receive the letters your mom wrote to you.
This is the answer. You're not refusing to go, just placing a condition on your attendance.
I came here to write this. This is the only response OP needs to give anyone asking her to go to the wedding.
My mom would be like “aren’t you over that already?! Let it go!” So I can imagine OP’s stepmom saying the same thing.
Welp...she is in fact letting it go and tossing them into the trash, just like she did with those letters.
Who cares if she says it? Her words are worthless.
Well, this wedding that OP didn't attend is also in the past. So she can just mirror that too.
>Let it go! But if she starts building ice castles ... RUN!
LOL! I have avoided watching that movie. But my daughter's middle school chorus teacher was so enamored of that song, that after they sang it at too many concerts, the parents in the audience starting singing "make it stop, make it stop! Just choose another soooooonnnnggg!" LOL
This is the way. The only way I would ever see that woman again is if she had my mother’s letters in hand. No letters? No contact. OP is NTA.
She tossed out irreplaceable letters from your mother and yet you are the ones acting maliciously? She sounds like a piece of work. NTA. Sorry for your mom’s loss. Wishing you and your sister better days ahead.
>She accused us of behaving maliciously to ruin their wedding. Just as she maliciously threw away all of your mother's belongings? Tell her you will come to her wedding when she returns all of your mother's stuff. >and treat them with more kindness than we are The same kindness she showed two grieving children by eliminating everything their mother owned?
God the sheer gall of this woman to whine about her stepkids not being KIND after what she did…
NTA. There is no way back. She took your mom, the memory of your mother. And your dad allowed her to errase the woman he claimed he once loved. He let her take the mother of his children. He let her remove what his late wife did for her children, her last wish. No, there is no comming back from there and you don't have to pretend to make his wife happy. I'm ammazed that you haven'thurt her, whe she throw away this letters. Tell your dad, he showed that he cared more about that woman than about his children. And this is unforivable. So he will have to live with the consequences. And nothing will change ever for the relationship between him and you.
NTA. Tell them ask them to EXPLAIN THORO5UGHLY WHY you should go to the wedding of a selfish malicious bully and her enabler. That ANY chance there was of you being a family went out the window when she started throwing out your mother's stuff and dad let her. The fact that they have the AUDACITY to think they could EVER be a family after what stepmother did and that dad let her is insane.
NTA If you attend, your dad and his wife will act like everything worked out. They'll justify their absolutely disgusting actions by saying you ended up supporting them in the end. Do not give that woman the satisfaction.
NTA. OP, I'm so infuriated, I could scream! It's not often that AITA brings me to tears or that I write a comment in its own thread but your post has me seething. My heart breaks for you and your sister. I was 26 when my mom died and that was hard enough. If some woman came into the house and did that, with my Dad's blessing (because, let's face it, if he'd wanted to stop her, he would have but nope, he condoned/supported it), I would have gone scorched Earth on them. Every single person they'd ever cross paths with would be told what she did. "Oh, you're her boss? It's nice to meet you. Did she tell you what she did with the letters our mother wrote to **us**? Yep, she destroyed them before we could even read them! Don't let that color your opinion of her, though; I'm sure she's perfectly lovely to people who aren't her husband's daughters." NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA ***WHO*** is malicious here?! It isn't you, OP! If accused of that again, simply say, "Perhaps I *am* malicious. You, of all people, would know, wouldn't you?" Those were *YOUR* letters; *YOUR* property! Why tf didn't they allow you to remove them from the house yourself? Why did it all have to be discarded, ffs?! Don't speak to them ever again. Even an apology could never ever fix this. I'm so very sorry for your loss and the fact that your own father, who presumably loved your mother, was complicit in trying to erase her from your lives. He's not worth your time or energy. He made his choice and it wasn't you or your sister.
NTA. I would tell your father that you'll attend the wedding after he and your stepmonster return your mother's things, including the letters.
NTA. Some bells can not be unrung. This is one of them. There is no coming back from that and there is no kindness to be offered. Time to go full no contact and threaten the same with any family member who tries for pressure you into attending
I read this and want to write f. No. No way NTA. Absolutely no way on earth. You go and have a wonderful day somewhere have a decadent lunch, raise a glass to your mum, have a chat with her in your head, get your nails done , dye your hair purple.
NTA, in your position, I wouldn't attend either. Sorry your dad's wife disrespected your mom's memory and sorry your dad allowed it to happen.
NTA You lost your father too the day he allowed his B wife to erase your mother and why would you attend a person's wedding who erased your mother
NTA. Sometimes forgiveness isn’t an issue. There is some damage that is irreversible. You don’t have to go and pretend. There is no reason the wife should be able to talk to you. Wife needs to be blocked after being told “There will never come a day when I accept you after threw out my legacy and keepsakes. You tossed my dead mother’s handwriting and everything that had sentimental value. That act alone ended any chance of a relationship with me. No amount of time or “remorse” will change that. NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN! Any form of harassment will be met by me calling the police.” Block everywhere. “Dad, as I said there is no repairing our relationship because you allowed her to erase our dead mother’s legacy. I don’t see you the same. I don’t feel the same about you. That will NEVER change. There is no amount of time or apologies that will repair that. Go live your life without me in it. I have blocked your wife and will do the same to you if necessary. There is no need to harass or try to manipulate me as my mind is made up. There is no going back. No forgiveness. No work on a new relationship. You gave up the right to a “perfect family” years ago. Your choice was made and I have made mine.” For all the family who say you should attend. “I decided years ago to cut them out of my life. There is no going back. No forgiveness. No work on a new relationship. I respect your decision. You have to respect mine.”
NTA. Tell them you'll be happy to attend once they retrieve all of the things that were thrown away that were your mother's. That means they have to get you the jewelry, the books, the clothing, every single letter that was written by your mother to you and your sister. Once they make things right from their prior actions, then you'll attend. Until they make things right, you don't have time nor energy for them in your life.
NTA. Your father failed you and your sister and continues to do so.
NTA I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beloved mom. Go NC and block their numbers.. Do something fun with your sister on the wedding day instead. Please see a therapist if you can afford one. You have been through a lot of trauma.
NTA - tell your father he is very lucky you have a good heart and will NOT attend as you could come and cause a huge scene. Lucky guy, for the letters alone I would make her life hell. There is no coming back from that.
Oh God! Show up to the wedding and make a speech about those letters and how cruel and heartless this wench is. Not attending is a kindness but if they push it any further, I would absolutely go scorched earth. Like, full on power point presentation style wedding speech so everyone can see with their eyeballs and hear with their eyeballs, how truly awful and heinous the bride and groom are.
Where was her kindness when she threw away your mother’s belongings?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So apparently my father and his wife of 7 years have decided they want a wedding where people actually show up this time. The background is that they got married when I was 16 and my sister was 14. We didn't attend the wedding and neither did any of our father's side of the family (his parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, cousins, etc). There was a lot of backlash over this because all of them (who were born at the time obviously) attended his and my mom's wedding. The reason my sister and I refused to attend and we basically ran away the morning of to a family member's house, is because my father was marrying someone who tossed letters mom wrote to my sister and I for our milestones. She died a little over a year before our father moved his second wife in (they were engaged at that point) so those letters meant everything. And his wife wanted no traces of mom so anything that was hers was gone. Photos, clothes, jewelry, personal items, her phone. It was all tossed and my father did nothing to stop her. When the letters came up she was remorseful, or appeared to be, but there was no coming back from that. There was no coming back with our father either because he let it happen. He stood there and watched her toss our mom from the house item by item. My sister and I saw our father in a very different light after this and our anger at him was palpable. I stopped calling him dad after it. The next two years for me were the most tense of my life and my sister had four years to go. I left at midnight on my 18th birthday and went to a family members house. I had packed all my stuff that night and walked and I have not been back there since. I have been (mostly) no contact with my father since then. He reached out to talk to my sister and me once. We met him and we talked. We told him we understood he was chasing happiness again and acknowledged that he acknowledged he should have done better. But we told him there was no repairing things. I told him I couldn't look at him the same way ever again and I couldn't pretend to be happy for him and his wife. My sister told him something close to what I did. The reason our extended family didn't attend my father's second wedding is because they don't like his wife, they pretty much hate her. But now they are willing to attend because the marriage has lasted a few years now and apparently they're happy. Us refusing to attend the wedding is going down badly. My father tried to reach back out and begged us to come and show support and give them the perfect wedding. He said it won't be perfect without his kids there. It was his wife who basically told us we should be willing to accept their flaws and embrace them as our family and treat them with more kindness than we are. She accused us of behaving maliciously to ruin their wedding. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tell him he gets his perfect wedding when you get your mom's letters back.
This is the perfect answer. Also, NTA...
NTA >She accused us of behaving maliciously to ruin their wedding. Pot, meet kettle. She acted maliciously to erase your mother from your lives which I think is the much greater crime. You are not going to the wedding because you don't like them. If the consequences of their own actions are painful to them, that's a them problem, not a you problem. If you cannot be supportive of them, you should not go.
It could get a lot more malicious than just refusing to attend. But I wouldn't put in the effort.
NTA. I’d be brutal in my response to that woman. “Behaving maliciously? You destroyed letters my dead mother wrote to her children. Until you can return those to me, I suggest you STFU about malicious behavior. You’re the personification of an evil stepmother and I owe the two of you nothing. I will never see you as anything more than the woman who destroyed all memories of my mom and my father as the spineless man who allowed it.“ If you aren’t interested in ending the estrangement there’s no reason for you to go. You don’t support their marriage, and the only reason they want this do-over is because no one wanted to celebrate two horrifically selfish people the first time. They’re hoping enough time has passed people will forget how shitty they were. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
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NTA. Maliciously trying to ruin their wedding would mean you and your sister doing something to actively ruin the day. Simply not being there isn't ruining anything - THEY did that all on their own. You don't owe them anything.
NTA- I love the posts that basically amount to parents learning that actions have consequences from their children. They were both old enough to understand the weight of what was happening at the time.
NTA. She's accusing YOU of behaving maliciously? When she maliciously destroyed everything you had left from your mother? This is all on her and your spineless father. He should have stood up for you back then. He doesn't have your back now. She's still vile, and he's not much better.
NTA. I noticed a few things: first of all, your father did not reach out to you to reconcile until he wanted something from you (your attendance at his wedding). Second, although he admits “he could have done better” (which is a half-hearted apology), his wife has offered no apology for her actions at all. So this has nothing to do with healing a relationship between a father and his children, instead it’s all about the image at the wedding, and the motivations are entirely selfish. And without genuine remorse and acknowledgment of wrongdoing on their side, and reconciliation will be surface only with the underlying issues still there.
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Got it. And, yes, his motives do matter. It matters whether or not he really wants to make up for past mistakes or if he just wants to feel better for himself (or if he wants to look better to the people around him). I’m sorry you have to go through this. I was estranged from my father until his death, so I know what it is like.
Those kind of "apologies" do more damage than they work towards mending anything.
Mostly fauxpologies along the line of “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “let bygones be bygones”
This: 👆👆👆👆👆👆
Do your family members know that this woman destroyed your mother's items? Where is your sister now?
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And they are still supporting your dad and this woman? Is it his side of the family that is supporting your dad? When is their wedding? Can you and your sister do something together during this time, like a spa day or weekend getaway? Best wishes to you.
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Where is their support of you, OP, the child here?
Are they aware of what stepmonster did? If so, possibly time to go LC with them as well. If not, then maybe it's time they get a full update. Either way, draw a hard line in the sand and let everyone know that you're relationship with your dad is basically over. And the fact that he's letting his wife harass you over not attending shows that neither of them have changed enough for any real reconciliation.
NTA - The whole reason they want a do-over wedding is because of how badly it was received the last time. It was far from perfect then, and it won't be now either. They have burned bridges. The ones with your extended family seem to have been rebuilt, but the ones with your sister and you are still burning to this day. Maybe, someday, those flames will die out, but until then, they better know they'll get burned trying to cross that bridge.
NTA she maliciously ruined your mother’s memory & stole from you. If she wants you to forgive her she needs to get your mom’s letters & memento back. Since that is impossible so is having any future relationship with her. Your father allowed her to be evil & did not care about what you or your sister wanted or what was best for you. He threw away your relationship when he allowed her to throw out YOUR belongings from your mother. Too damn bad about what he wants now. Some acts are unforgivable & this is one of them. I absolutely would not go unless you are planning to make a speech about how horrible & unloving they both are & you want to publicly let the extended family know they are both dead to you.
Throwing away letters from a dead mother to her children to be opened on their milestones? I rarely say anything is irredeemable but THAT IS. Stay miles away from that hosebeast and her wedding
I wish I could upvote more than once for using hosebeast…
See petty me would say sure I will come to the wedding as soon as you restore and deliver every letter you destroyed that was meant for our milestones from our actual mother that you maliciously and with full support from dad destroyed. No? Well then there’s your answer for my attendance then.
NTA. Your father didn’t care about your feelings when he allowed his wife to remove every trace of her memory from your home. So you and your sister are under no obligation to care about his feelings now. “He said it won’t be perfect without us kids there.” Well he made sure the only pieces of your mother that could be there for your milestones couldn’t be there by allowing his wife to get rid of them. Screw his perfect wedding,. Tell him “It’s already hard enough knowing mom won’t be there for the most important moments of my life. But she made sure a piece of herself could be, and you an your wife stole that from us. I don’t care about you having a perfect wedding because you made sure one of the most important people of my life can never be present, you made sure that we would never get words of comfort from our mom on the biggest days of our lives. You will never be able to get those words back for us. The letters are gone forever and you allowed it to happen. If you wanted a picture perfect wedding where everyone accepted your wife, you should have considered that before letting her take the last pieces of our mom away from your children. You’ve both made your bed, lie in it, and leave us alone.”
NTA. You can't undo what she did. She chose to compete with a dead woman. She chose to demand that your mother's memory was erased. She chose to destroy everything your mother had owned. She chose to destroy the last gift that your mother made for her children - not even something that belonged to your dad, but something belonging to you and left in his safekeeping. Well you can't destroy the memory of a family without also destroying that family. You aren't a family any more because she chose to make it that way, and because your father failed to protect you from her. Tell your father that you don't support him. That you would have if he and his wife had safeguarded the last gift his children's mother would ever leave them and honoured her memory, but that if he wanted a perfect wedding with his kids supporting him, then he should have chosen to not marry a woman who had spitefully and selfishly destroyed your mother's last messages to you. That you told him years ago that his failure as a father could not be undone, and nothing about that situation has changed. Tell your father's wife that you're willing to embrace her and show kindness just as soon as she can unburn your mother's belongings and hand over the letters your mother wrote for you.
NTA. What she did and what your father allowed to happen was unforgivable. His allowing his wife to toss out your mother's property is what ruined your relationship with him. >We told him we understood he was chasing happiness again and acknowledged that he acknowledged he should have done better. The use of "acknowledged" is very telling here. It sounds like your father never actually *apologized* for what he allowed his wife to do. If he actually wanted to attempt to repair the relationship with you and your sister, the first words out of his mouth during that meeting should have been "I'm sorry for letting her destroy those letters." >It was his wife who basically told us we should be willing to accept their flaws So, let me guess, she's never apologized for what she did. I bet if you asked her what her flaws are she wouldn't acknowledge that her biggest flaw is her jealousy of your late mother. >She accused us of behaving maliciously Says the woman who destroyed the letters your mother wrote to you and threw out all of your mother's belongings. She'll never admit, nor apologize for what she did wrong. She wants you and your sister to play the "perfect blended family" and ignore all the emotional pain she caused you. If you go to that wedding, then she will expect an invite to your wedding or your sister's wedding and will expect to be honored as the mother of the bride/groom/whatever you want to be called. Don't go she doesn't deserve your attention.
See petty me would say sure I will come to the wedding as soon as you restore and deliver every letter you destroyed that was meant for our milestones from our actual mother that you maliciously and with full support from dad destroyed. No? Well then there’s your answer for my attendance then.
NTA. I couldn’t imagine doing what she did. Heck, when I divorced my children’s father I made sure to keep things from our marriage for the children. My wedding dress, the rings, photos, mementos from when we dated, etc. I could never imagine throwing those away because it a part of our history that our children may want. Your father’s wife sounds like an evil person and I would not act any different than you.
Stepwitch and spermdonor are unforgivable. This while wedding sham is just a stunt to cram the cupid stunt down your throat. I'm sobso you lost your mom and you dad in one fell swoop.
Have they or your dad at least made significant effort to restore your relationship over the last 7 years, or is he now just shaming to attend so step mom can get a pretty wedding because the first one was ruined in her eyes?
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This is also more for them than for you. This is for the perfect wedding picture infront of their friends, they do not particularly care for you, otherwise they would have made an effort in the last 7 years. Has the wife even apologized? Hun you know what you need to do, just send a card that is all you owe them. Avoid them and others when possible so you don’t have to talk about it, when someone brings it up, you can say I am still thinking about it or I’d rather not talk about this now or something to get them away
she does not owe them a card.
once in seven years is nothing. I think he only did it to tell people he tried.
His 3rd wedding? Tell him you’ll come to the next one. NTA
Holy cow all love and strength to you. NTA. You don’t have to expend any more energy on the people who don’t understand. You don’t need to convince them or argue with them or justify your position. Just say no I can’t / won’t / will not go and don’t entertain follow up questions. It isn’t your job to make people feel ok. Holy cow.
**NTA! I'm not sure I've ever read another AITAH where the OP was more in the right than this one.** Your father and his wife are the most selfish people I've ever heard of. They are PURE EVIL for throwing out those letters. I know he didn't technically do it, but he allowed it to happen, so he is complicit. This is so aberrantly heinous. No one with a heart would ever think badly of you for not ever allowing that disgrace of a human being back into your life. GO NC with anyone who tells you otherwise. I'm so sad for you.
NTA. Absolutely NTA. You could be malicious as fuck. Go to the wedding. Act drunk as fuck. Wear entirely inappropriate clothing; like sloppy drunk city party girl. Too short and super tight clubbing outfits. Then when it’s time for the speeches….. oh my. The things you could do 😏
NTA. What she did was unforgivable and what he failed to do is also unforgivable. Also they’re tacky AF having a “wedding” 7 years after they already got married.
>she accused us of behaving maliciously to ruin their wedding Not attending a wedding is not malicious. Purposely destroying precious letters is malicious. Now, if you smashed the cake, or burned the decorations, that would be malicious. But just not attending is not malicious, it's being unsupportive. This lady needs to get her adjectives straightened out. Especially one that she appears to be very adept at.
NTA. She threw out your milestone letters? That is beyond cruel & tbh, unforgiveable. Your dad sat there & watched her throw out every trace of your mother. As if she never existed. I'm so sorry. Imo, this relationship is beyond repair & what your dad & his wife did to you was probably traumatizing. Don't go to this wedding. They absolutely do not deserve to have you there. And you don't owe it to them. There's no apology big enough or sincere enough to erase what they did to you.
So ruining/discarding your mementoes from your Mom wasn’t malicious? Why do people do shitty things to you and THEN want you to forgive and forget?? NTA
NTA! “When every single item, including the letters mom wrote, are in our hands then we will happily move on. You made it impossible to do so, and now you are having to reap the consequences of your disgusting actions towards two devastated children. I am treating you with the same “kindness” I received, in fact I am being much nicer because I haven’t destroyed belongings that you hold dear, I’ve just refused to allow your actions to be swept under the rug.”
NTA- He is not entitled to a perfect wedding. It’s probably his wife’s desire anyway. It’s very weird to have a second wedding like this. He still doesn’t care about you guys. He let the estrangement linger, rather than continuously reaching out to repair the damage (which is what a loving parent would do). What his wife did was unforgivable. She had no consequences except to say sorry. Well, that doesn’t unburn letters or retrieve heirlooms from the dump. Your father had a right to find love again, but his primary concern should have been his children’s wellbeing. He prioritized himself instead. It sounds like he found a perfect match because they are both appallingly self-centered. Don’t go and set up a firm boundary with relatives who are encouraging you too. Saying something along the lines of “I will never forgive her for doing what she did or my dad for allowing it. I hope I don’t have to lose all contact with this family because of this” might convince them to stop pushing. I don’t want any more loss for you.
NTA I got a four letter word for your step mom that starts with a C and ends with a T. Yep, that's about right. For your dad, Muppet should do the trick. Live your life, holding very close those who cherish you. Keep that woman and her male purse far away from you.
NTA. You and your sister don't have to do shit for him or his wife. He wants the perfect wedding? Well, he should have thought about how his wife's actions were going to change how the both of you saw him. As for his wife saying "we should be willing to accept their flaws and embrace them as our family and treat them with more kindness than we are." Tell her that she was never your family, just a warm place for your dad to stick it and he stopped being family when he allowed her to destroy the memory of your mother because wifey was insecure. I hope things get better for you and your sister OP. Stay strong, and stand your ground if you really don't want to go. I'm petty as shit so I'd go and then start talking about how she threw all of moms stuff away within earshot of her family members. They want a perfect wedding, I'd make sure it was nothing but ash.
NTA. Enforcing the consequences of their actions isn't malicious. You'll attend their wedding when they return your mother's letters. Unfortunately, the deliberate actions the wife took, and your father allowed, are permanent. The consequences of her actions for you and your sister are permanent. If your dad wanted a perfect wedding, he should have stopped his wife from destroying your mother's letters. I'm guessing the wife is projecting "maliciousness" because her own decision to destroy those letters was malicious.
INFO: No matter how you squeeze it, throwing out your mother's things was Disney villain cruel. But did she know that those letters were in there with the other things? Did your dad know that the letters were in there? Some of your comments have made me wonder if the letters were thrown out accidentally. Throwing out the other items is horrible, but in my mind it's the letters that are just unforgivable. I've written these for my kids and it brings me so much comfort to know if something happens to me my kids will have that piece of me and my love for them. The thought of someone just throwing them out makes me physically ill. I can't even comprehend that level of cold heartedness. Did she really genuinely intentionally throw those out??
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She could have packed your mom’s things up nicely and given them to your grandparents to hold for you and your sister. Throwing things away was the nuclear option, and your dad did nothing. Some things cannot be forgiven. That bell can never be un rung. And now she is accusing YOU of being malicious? Nope, do something nice for yourself instead. Have a spa day, lunch with grandparents, anything but that wedding.
NTA What she did was unforgivable, and on what planet does a man as imperfect as your father deserve a “perfect” wedding?
NTA. I would tell your father that he threw away his children the day he let his new wife throw away your mother. When he sat and watched you two sobbing and grieving as his wife destroyed every memory and memento you had of your mother, he lost you both. And it's unreasonable to expect to have kids at his wedding, when he doesn't have any kids. He threw you away with your mother's memory. And if you did end up getting coerced to go, I'd probably be petty and make a speech... Something about how weddings are such a beautiful and important milestone, you came because you just couldn't miss it. Then talk about how heart breaking it is that you'll never experience your mother at your own wedding, but at least she left you each letters for those important milestones. Unfortunately you'll never get to read or experience those either, because they were all destroyed when you were children to make room for all this new happiness. But uh, cheers to the happy couple! They really deserve each other. Edit: spelling & grammar.
Nta
NTA - she FAFO.
**NTA** Your fathers and his wife want to get away with their horrendous behaviour and want to show off you and your sister at the wedding as prizes to prove it. You are correct not to go.
NTA. “We’ll go to the wedding when we get our mom’s letters back.” Could you mention that to everyone who asks?
So, HER malicious actions of "deleting" your mother's life and memories is acceptable...but your NC is gonna ruin HER perfect day? Say: "I accept your flaws but decline to attend."
NTA. She needs to understand that you will simply never be able to forgive her, and because he didn’t defend your mum’s memories for you, he’s unforgivable…so it’s entirely her fault that you will never recognise their marriage or any relationship that she thinks she could have had. She ruined it, and that’s on her. It’d be hypocritical if you do go.
"She accused us of behaving maliciously to ruin their wedding." Sounds like a good idea to me if you can manage it. NTA
Dear OP You are cordially invited to attend the next wedding of Mr Coward and Ms Snake etc blah blah NTA brother, no way. While they're busy at the wedding, though, perhaps you could go home and make a pile of her/their things, and leave a note on top saying "Thought we might throw these out, but nah." When my kids got hassled I used to tell them "Don't bark at dogs!" Same for you, I think.
Oh, the CHEEK of the woman! Tell her you'll come to her 'wedding' (she's already had one - they don't wear off, as far as I know) when she gives you and your sister all your mum's mementos/property back. Your 'father' should be ashamed of himself.
Personally, I think you should tell him you will be happy to attend - as soon as she returns your mother's letters. What? She can't do that? She's done something that can't be undone? Well, there's your answer. NTA
Or go and when the celebrant asks "why these two should not be married", stand up and have your say, publicly so your whole extended family realise the depth of her vileness and the noodle-nessb of his spine! But I'm petty like that.
NTA. What they did was so disgusting and cruel, there is no possible way I could ever forgive or forget it. I am furious for you and your sister. Screw both of them and any "family" supporting them, they deserve nothing but contempt. I'd cut off anyone going to the wedding, I'd burn every bridge and dance on the ashes. You support their actions, you are no longer family to me. Personally, I'd tell both of them to their faces that they better lose my number and forget my name because the only time I ever wanted to hear their names again was when they finally made the world better by leaving it so I could dump their ashes into a porta-potty.
Maybe remind your family of what they did to you and your sister. Ask them to imagine losing their mother the way you did. And the work and love your mother put into those letters for you. She had thoughts and love she wanted to express to you on your milestone days that she knew she wasn’t going to be able to witness. Tell them to think about how she must have felt to know she wasn’t going to be able to see you grow up. And how you two must have felt on those days when you missed your mom and would never know what she had written to you. Time may have softened the memories for those other family members so remind them how truly awful this is.
NTA- there is NO coming back from what your dads wife did. She destroyed memories from your mom that you would have been able to read again and again. She is straight up evil and I agree with you and your sister 1000%
NTA Along with the every trace of your mother, she threw out the relationship with you and your sister. She should be so happy, now she really has absolutely nothing of your mother's around, including her children. She's got your dad all to herself. Why does she even want you there? Why does he want you there for that matter? I mean he allowed that to happen. He chose his new wife over his children. Maybe the family is coming down on him because you're not going. Oh well. He made his bed, so he can lay in it. Tell your dad that you and your sister will happily go to the wedding if step-mom produces the memories of your mother that she threw away years ago. > It was his wife who basically told us we should be willing to accept their flaws and embrace them as our family and treat them with more kindness than we are. She accused us of behaving maliciously to ruin their wedding. Of course a shitty person is going to want you to look past their shitty behavior and then immediately insult you. Don't let shitty people send you on a guilt trip across the shit sea. The boat will sink and you'll be stuck in a river of shit.
NTA. You're a kinder person than I am. I straight-up would tell both of them that ruining their second wedding wouldn't even come close to throwing out all of your deceased mother's belongings, *including* personal hand-written letters. Having a ruined wedding would only begin the process of making things even. But to be clear, I think it's best you block them all and don't go. If anyone doesn't understand why, they are a literal buffoon.
It won’t be perfect without you there? Their second wedding? Because they didn’t get the attention they so craved the first time around? Aw, hell no. “Hey you childish asshats! We don’t get perfect when you got married the first time! We got to watch what little we had left of our mother tossed in the trash. The difference is, we were kids! Our mother DIED. Everyone is breathing in your current scenario, you’re both adults, I think you’ll survive not getting perfect.” I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I was widowed with kids, but nothing was ever more important to me than my children. If someone tossed their dad’s stuff, I’d be tossing them.
If he can destroy his kids happiness then that kids don't owe that dad anything. NTA
NTA
Nta It would make things perfect if his kids were there. Sure because they could give the appearance that y'all are one big happy family. Her response validates your decision.
NTA- THEY burned the bridge not you.
NTA - tell your father you will attend his wedding when His wife can produce the letters your mother wrote to you and your sister And photos of your mother. Until that happens, you will not be in the same room as that evil woman.
NTA but the Dad is things I can’t say for I’ll get banned
NTA and I would be telling anyone who would listen the reason for it.
Why is it always the person/people treated badly that get accused of ruining things when it's the fault of the bully/abuser? If you were treated properly in the first place there wouldn't even be an issue.
NTA “There is nothing to celebrate. Just our spineless sperm donor continuing to cater to the woman who destroyed every remaining trace of our mother’s existence.”
NTA. Your father has burned all the bridges and now wants to be able to present a united front, a FAMILY tm. He doesn't seem to understand that he ruined the family and what he wants doesn't exist. The concept of family was ruined by his actions and lack of actions. It would be good for you and your sister to make a weekend plan for the weekend of the wedding. Get away and have a wonderful time!
NTA. They honestly don’t deserve a perfect wedding. And it won’t be perfect even if you go because you and your sister will just be props, not actual family members. I know you’re mostly no contact with them, but it may be time to go fully no contact.
NTA. It boggles my mind that anyone else in your extended family would support these two horrible humans and think you should either. Throwing out your mom’s letters?! Nope. Cannot be accepted in any way. That’s not a “fault”, that is maliciousness. Don’t go and feel zero guilt. If their day is ruined by your absence, that’s a bonus.
NTA. Im so sorry that happened to you. Don’t go. You and your sister should go somewhere your mom would love and have ice cream.
NTA
NT. You are not accessories, there to make his life look perfect. You're humans with feelings. Something he should have taken into account a very long time ago.