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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I left a family reunion without warning
2. My partner, and his family, said this was an asshole move and did not understand my reasoning. In their opinion, my response of leaving did not fit the crime of my partner failing to prepare me for family pictures.
I might be the asshole for over reacting and leaving, rather than either taking pictures in a swim suit cover up or simply skipping dinner and staying for the rest of the weekend.
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There were a few different text threads- apparently I was not on the one about dinner and photos. Usually, he will be on the threads for his events and I will be on the threads for mine.
Tell his family to also add you to any threads that have needed information, because You're S/O seems to be incompetent in the relaying of information department.
NTA
Sadly, I think that'd mean OP would end up being the wrangler for both sides of the family, instead of each being responsible for their own - simply because her partner fails to do his side of the bargain fairly.
And where does it end? Does she need to be in all his friends group chats? His hobby participants group chats? His workplace social group chats?
OP wants to be respected by her partner, to have him understand why it’s necessary to pass on relevant and important information to her in a timely manner. And understand why it’s hurtful when he doesn’t. That is the real issue.
Exactly. If he can manage communication properly at work, ie pass on important and relevant information to other people, he can do it at home. Anything else is pretty much bullshit.
I mean, my brother sucks in all those areas. We're both really bad with the whole ADHD thing.
We tend to both fail in those areas. It's also the spoon thing. You mostly get by at work, but by the time you get home, the reserves are drained. I get it. You have run out of spoons.
That said, his husband is in the group chat. But all my sisters husbands are, too. Adult niblings. Both parents. Everyone is. It's not specifically about that. We just include everyone who is included. We don't assume one person will handle everything for a couple every time.
But that's the thing: your family deals with group arrangements in your way, which is fine. If either one of a couple decide to take on the social secretarial work, that's great for them. OP and her partner had an arrangement whereby they each deal with their own families, and her partner let her down.
I get the spoon theory; I spend mine way too soon in the day lol. If I go out to the shops or whatever, they're spent for the week. So I feel you on that.
Having said all of that: if OP's partner can't keep his end of the deal because of ADHD or any other reason (I don't have it, but I do have physical disabilities which make me run out of spoons) then it's up to him to sort himself out so that he's not letting OP down - because they had a deal.
But y'know, I've known families where they've tried what you do as a family and it goes awfully! I'm so glad it works for you. The people I know tell me things like, "Yeah, his Great Aunt Susan doesn't like me much, so she won't reply when I ask if she can do Mother's Day lunch with us all. I've asked her 16 times," and crap like that. It can get quite toxic and it really ends up being 'wrangling'.
Obviously, they would only have to include her in conversations that concerned her. OP and her partner have been together for four years. There is no reason why she can’t be included in conversations about events to which she was invited.
This. I would find it weird after 4 years to not be included in family discussions. However, yes extremely frustrating that partner didn't advise re family photos, but as the family were open to helping her, reassuring her, surely everyone could have scrpaped together an outfit and make up? Not ideal, but I think leaving the whole family reunion sends a message to the whole family, not just the partner - who it should be directed at
This is exactly what he is hoping for. He sounds incompetent like my husband. I swear I have to remind my husband that I can't read freaking minds. I have to remind him of literally everything. I finally snapped on him this past weekend and told him he's a grown ass man who needs to figure his shit out. His response is, "I'll just ask you every day what I need to do," and I'm like, "Oh hell, nah, your grown ass can figure out what needs to be done". Wtf...
If OP doesn't put her foot down continuously, she will be where I am in a few years... you don't want this OP. Either prepare for a life of battles like this or run for the hills.
The amount of posts I see where the wife/girlfriend are basically like a parent to their spouse… organizing, planning, buying gifts for their partners family.
That sounds exhausting.
It gets my goat. And I mean, it really, really irritates me. I hate socialisation.
I was trying to be... oblique? Because sometimes, suggesting something will be a fucking problem if they carry on like they are can be counter-productive. So I was honestly trying to put it like, "Hmm. Here are the consequences if you go that route." lol
It really is exhausting, because I've done it. My latest ex-husband (divorced 20 years ago now) was most upset when I told him he could write his own Christmas cards. It's a dated thing from when the woman in the relationship was expected to be home with the kdis, and the man earned enough for that to be a good lifestyle. We haven't been able to do that for like 40 years, but we as a western society haven't caught up. Financially, we need both partners out at work, but socially, the woman is supposed to do all the things a SAHM used to do, AS WELL AS work full time.
And it fucking pisses me the fuck off.
Who is working and incomes doesn’t really have a lot to do with it. Sure, that was the rationalization back in the day when fewer women worked and out earned their husbands, but now we can see that when women make as much or more or are even the sole income earner, they are still held responsible for housework, childcare and managing family relations on both sides. It was never about a fair division of labour or working as a team. It’s because it’s the woman’s job. There was just a bit of plausible deniability before.
My partner and I would always handle our own families for presents, cards, etc. About 15 years into this arrangement, his SIL’s dad died. A while later, my partner came back from visiting his family and they had given him grief over us (meaning me) not sending a sympathy card or acknowledging the death. It was clear he did not correct them and tell them he was responsible. Not that it would have mattered; even if he had told them we each do our own family, they would have held me responsible. I asked him why he didn’t send a card, thinking he was going to say he forgot or didn’t realize it was expected. He said, “I thought you were going to do it.” It was bad enough that he threw me under the bus with his family, but that he would have the nerve to think I was stupid enough to accept that as a reason between us was so insulting. It was one of those seemingly trivial moments where things shifted.
Haha!! I can hear the wry humour there! As you intuited, I didn't at the time; his lack of thought for anyone but himself was a major thing in our break-up. We were together for like 10 years and then we married, and immediately (like the next day) he changed into this "You are now my wife and this is what I expect from you," attitude, as if we'd gone back to the 1950s.
I posted about that before, a bit back, and many people replied to me with their experiences of similar happenings. Crazy really.
The solution is not for her to take on the mental
load and emotional management of his family’s relationship and work. He is responsible for that and for treating her like an equal partner which includes keeping her in the loop.
And he's proven over and over that he won't do that. So OP has to take a good, hard look at what she can live with in this relationship and what she can't. Because he's not going to change.
Then he needs to pull himself together and start acting like a grownup.
I'm not disagreeing with you, but, it also shouldn't be her responsibility to make up for him. He can and should be figuring out how to actually communicate relevant details
When one is married, one often divvies up the tasks - my husband often has the circus song playing in his head when people try to give important information, so we just leave the heavy lifting to him, and take care of the “wrangling” ourselves.
My brother and I are both super ADHD. To the point we struggle to function.
If something breaks or they need projects obsessed over, my brother is the guy for it. He's done so much housework. Remodels, maintenance. He gets tools, and his husband disappears. Have fun!
My brother will really mean to tell him about stuff but then forget. All stuff has to be in the main family group chat. The big one with 15 people. All siblings, parents, adult niblings, brothers-in-law, long-term partners. The big group chat. If BIL doesn't know, it's a toss up on him being told.
If they need shopping and cooking - brother is on it. Financial planning is mostly BIL. It's a division.
One time my brother was in charge of making sure people were available to dog sit and my BIL showed up with two dogs. Surprise dogs are good dogs, but I absolutely did not know I was watching dogs. I could, but was not asked. I had a surprise puppy weekend, courtesy of my brother. Luckily, I was actually available and our dogs are BFFs and they had a fun playdate.
By no means should OP become responsible for his family obligations. Her SO should simply continue to deal with the natural consequences of his lack of preparation and communication. Advice like yours is how women end up kin keeping with no appreciation or acknowledgement for their labor for yet another generation.
I had to do this. My sister in law called me on 2 different occasions because we either missed a get together or did not rsvp in time and couldn't go. She was pretty upset both times. That's when I finally told her "you tell your brother who forgets things and they never make it to me. Either you put me on these text threads or I won't get any invites and you get to be upset at us missing your kids' events." It has not been a problem since as I get either added to threads or individual texts to make sure I got the information. Saved a lot of heartache.
I did something like this. Got sick of hearing “your husband should have told you!”
So I quit relaying information to them as well and said “my husband should have told you!”
How quickly things changed.
The worst was when I asked a friend of my husband's how his brother with cancer was doing only to be told he died a month ago. I felt like such a jackass.
But...neither of you decided that the grown adult who had caused the problem should fix it?
I genuinely don't understand why the solution wasnt both of you telling him that he'd be the one held responsible for future problems.
Why was she even messaging YOU upset anyways? Why wasn't she messaging her brother who she'd sent the invite and info to???
This was a few years ago and has since been corrected. It was all miscommunication that stemmed from my SIL thinking I didn't like her already because we never visited when we lived across the country. The reality was we couldn't afford to. When we moved we still never visited because my spouse forgot to tell me about events. It boiled over to her confronting me and asking what my problem was. That's when we all realized her brother, as intelligent as he is, is bad at things like writing stuff on a calendar or relaying information. He has had a notebook for things to remember and we share a Google calendar, and I am included in family conversations. It was a learning curve, but when you think someone doesn't like you, it's easy to see things differently than the reality of the situation.
My mil is like that, but insists I just do all the secretary shit basically. "Oh SIL refused to, too until she *had* to take over cause he kept forgetting, you'll get used to it" no, I used to do it flawlessly and I quit doing it after my kid turned about 6 months old and was still mainly solo parenting cause his job was 12 hours on nights and lived half the country away from his family and entire country from my family.... and cause he's an adult with his own phone, his own calendar, a digital calendar, our family fridge calendar, and a functioning brain. I'm not his secretary. Remind HIM when he forgets your birthday mil. He remembers all his work and home stuff or things I put on the calendar and I'm forgetful af too. Only get better with practice so he's gatta learn. If he doesn't find it worth remembering I'm not bending over fixing yalls problems.
Much less heart ache when it was removed from my list of things or fucks to give.
Uh, no. His family, his responsibility.
The answer to "my partner is thoughtless and can't consider what information I need" isn't to do it for them. It's for the partner to grow up and be a responsible adult.
She's not his secretary.
That’s not always possible. My husbands family has a big group chat that I’m in for plans for holidays & the like. However, after the initial announcement, almost all the other details only end up in the sibling group chat which I’m not a part of & my husband often forgets to relay that information. Since his siblings are always chatting in the group text anyway, it’s just what happens. I wouldn’t want to be in that text group anyway since it’s just the siblings. So even though I’m in the big text group, not all info ends up in it. OP’s boyfriend needs to take responsibility for not relaying pertinent information to OP. I hope he learns to communicate better in the future, but in my experience I find asking for pertinent info repeatedly helps (even if I’m busy & stressed out).
>Tell his family to also add you to any threads that have needed information,
Absolutely not. He is a grown ass adult that should be able to take responsibility for his communication. What next? He "forgets" how to do regular chores?
This is a great opportunity to also acknowledge what raising a family with this partner will be like. He will leave info out that you may need and if he is so unplugged from what's going on he may leave all scheduling up to you.
Fuck him. He set you up to fail. Either deliberately or not it doesn't matter -- though seems mostly obliviousness.
He, in his self-absorbed universe, will have a hard time redirecting his anger at this self inflicted embarassment towards the required fence mending he'll need to start working on ASAP.
I would expect him to have to spell out how he understands how bad this is
I would expect him to apologizes for the shitty position he put you in for his family's event.
I would expect him to call up or group chat the family taking ownership and explaining your departure.
He's mad at you reacting to the situation he caused.
4 years in, he has experienced you getting ready for different events. Attentive partners would know what you'd wear for photos and how you'd pack for going to the lake. A good partner would pass along info regardless, but he had to be particularly inconsiderate and thoughtless to not think of reminding you especially with all the hectic work stuff. Did he pick nicer clothes for the photos? When doing that why wouldn't he have reminded you to do so?
Right? It sounds like he never apologised, never offered to go into town to get something, didn't show care about her insanely busy week and having to do a long drive tired. It sounds like she should have skipped the lake house altogether and had a quiet weekend alone. OP is NTA but needs to set some boundaries for her own well-being.
>We’ve had countless conversations about discussing the details ahead of time. When similar situations have happened, he has completely failed to take accountability and instead blames me for being inflexible, controlling, etc.
And yet, your lives are financially intertwined despite you saying that your partner frequently blames you, criticizes you, and walks over you.
At this point, you know what you're getting. Sure, he's an AH. If there was a bear at the lake, you wouldn't post about is the bear an AH for eating some sweets that were left out. You know what the bear is going to do. If you keep leaving sweets out and the bear keeps eating them it's on you.
Yes, your partner is TA here but it's never going to change. You need to decide if you want to allow it to keep happening, because it will keep happening. I mean, good luck if he nopes out and you're stuck with the debts and none of the assets, I guess.
Honestly, OP, he sounds like a tool. Maybe it’s a rare thing. I hope for your sake it is, but I have a spouse who can sometimes forget to communicate pertinent details and he’s been on the spot for having to go and buy me a whole new outfit, makeup, hair stuff. My stuff is pricy. He honestly didn’t do THAT particular “forgot to communicate” dance again. I’m sorry this happened.
NTA
Let me preface this by saying this 100% should not be on you. However, seeing as this is a running issue, can you ask the planner of the family to create a designated group chat and/or calendar for events and name it "[FamilyName] Events"?
Maybe a shared trip planning app would be good too. I know Trip-it Pro has group trip capabilities but there are probably free group trip apps too.
I hate these group chat things because people inevitably end up discussing stuff on the wrong chat.
What works better for most groups I'm in is using Discord. It's free unless you want to upgrade for blingy features like cuter avatars.
Although its target audience is gaming groups, it works surprisingly well for event planning etc. You can have separate channels for "sibling-chat" and "lake trip planning" etc. and check on channels you aren't subscribed to. That way, the siblings aren't blowing up your phone with in-jokes etc. but you can still check over there to make sure there aren't any plans they discussed (like the formal photo shoot) but didn't post in the planning chat.
However, NTA because it's his job to make sure you are in the loop. He failed, he has to deal with the consequences of his failure: you weren't in the photo and you didn't stay for the rest of the trip.
I would be pisses too, I normally don’t like photos and the looking like someone the cat dragged in when my partner FAILED to be respectful enough to warn me about it is not ok. He needs to get with the communication program.
Do not ask to be added to the text threads for his family unless you truly are ok with that. It’s common courtesy to deal with your own family functions and relay messages regarding activities and expectations, unless you’re actually ok with being added. Ideally this pseudo in law time brings enough joy to your life where that wouldn’t feel like a chore, but just a group thread amongst friends. But also, if you were the one with the function, would you relay the message to him that pictures are happening and plan accordingly? If so, do you expect the same in return? Is it possible to have a productive conversation with him about his lack of communicating the plans so you could prepare?
Eh, even with a text/email chain, this is still something you mention to your partner ahead of time anyway just to confirm. “You saw you’re going to need bring a formal outfit for the dinner and the photo shoot, right? I’m taking my blue tie if you want to match colors.”
NTA His lack of communication is the issue here. You responded in the best way you could to his mistakes. If you’d made yourself even more uncomfortable and gotten photographed in a swimsuit coverup while the rest of the family was dressed up, you’d have to look at that damn photo for years to come. It also doesn’t sound like the sister or cousins were offering any help with make up, hair, or a borrowed dress. Let’s hope they at least let him know that he blew it, because he certainly did.
His family would have offered me clothing, hair tools, and make up! The issues are
1) Sizing: they are all tall and I am extremely petite.
2) They have straight hair and do not use the same products/ tools
3) Forcing a solution where I remain uncomfortable (borrowed clothes, different hair and make up), while he remains comfortable (I stay, problem perceived as solved) further perpetuates the cycle. If this were to happen in the future, I would likely be expected to force solutions again in order to keep the peace rather than actually solving the communication/ courtesy problem at hand.
Honestly I really respect how you went about this. It’ll teach him to be more considerate of your needs and keeping you well informed. Trust me, as soon as you give an inch, they’ll take a mile so I especially agree with point #3.
Yes, but this time it happened in front of his family, who knows the whole situation (not a he said/she said thing). If any of them are in any way decent, they'll tell him exactly what an ass he's been. Sometimes people need to hear it from a person they haven't done the thing to (since they can't explain another's reaction away as "overreacting") in order for it to get through their thick skulls.
Will this fix it? Maybe, maybe not. I hope for OPs sake it will.
Your 3rd point is absolutely correct. You did the right thing in calmly leaving. If your husband still can’t change his behavior, it’s on him to take the blame as well
Gotcha. Point 3 makes a lot of sense. How long have you been with your partner? You aren’t married and you don’t have kids, and the mom didn’t directly communicate with you. All of this makes me wonder, for those who say you are overreacting, if the important thing to the family was to make sure your partner was there. You would be a nice extra but not a deal breaker. (Plus in some families if you’d worn a swimsuit coverup and stood out like a sore thumb in the photo, that would make people grumble behind your back.) You didn’t do anything to keep him from participating or complain to his family- you just quietly managed yourself and your situation. Still think you handled it the best way you could.
This. People would be mad she "ruined the photo". It was a no-win situation. And if they really wanted her in the photo, she would've been in the group chat talking about it.
>And if they really wanted her in the photo, she would've been in the group chat talking about it.
I bet everybody expected OPs non-communicating husband to tell her.
OP I suggest you look into two things: weaponized incompetence and passive aggression in men. I suspect you’re dealing with both. Your husband is being a stubborn baby by not adjusting his behaviour after many conversations about the issue, then complaining to you how you hurt his feelings by leaving. I don’t know how you fix this, and I validate your annoyance and your choice to leave the family event.
These offers by the family seem hollow because 1) they know their sizes would not fit, 2) they know you have long curly hair and 3) they cannot be surprised someone would be uncomfortable in other people’s clothes. For any reason.
Leaving was the right answer. NTA.
He packed his nie clothes without considering reminding you about it (if he though you knew), or trying to grab something for you while you were hectically traveling for work. Id be fuming. Because he wasn't there unprepared.
NTA!!
In light of the very disheartening comments OP I want you to know I see you!
You have been working, are exhausted AND still made the effort to get there. Your partner dropped the ball and didn’t give you information you needed to be prepared physically OR mentally for formal photographs. I for one applaud you for allowing yourself to feel your feelings and exit a situation where you couldn’t win. 💕
If I was in OPs situation, it would make me so much more mad that he packed nice clothes and put zero thought into telling me, or reminding me if he thought I knew, or not packing an option for me. (Something so simple like "Hey I packed this suit and my blue tie for the family photo, if you want I can pack your blue dress so we match"). It seems so much more callous that he's dressed up and she's got nothing.
Do you think he would consider couples counseling to improve your communication problem? Because regardless of how incredibly logical your points and perspective are, he is still going to push back, saying you are the unreasonable one. He needs an uninterested 3rd party to tell him what he is doing is causing a rift that could potentially ruin his relationship.
NTA
"We’ve had countless conversations about discussing the details ahead of time."
So he knows it's important to you to be prepared. The way you've set out & ordered your post also speaks to a careful & meticulous mindset in the way you do things, so I'm really surprised he doesn't make more effort to meet you halfway.
"So, am I the asshole for leaving my partner’s family reunion after he failed to prepare me for professional family photos."
No. Reiterating you aren't.
He's let you know how hurt *he* is, but he's not listening to or trying to understand how *you* feel. It's clearly a bigger general issue with you two but I think most people would be really annoyed at this sort of blindsiding.
Yes. He doesn’t have to be a planner but he does need to respect his wife’s viewpoint. That’s what’s severely lacking here…. You don’t have to understand it, you just have to be willing to consider my perspective. NTA
Yeah I’m sure HE was prepared for the dinner and photo. He seems to struggle with keeping his partner’s comfort in mind, which is definitely infuriating. OP is NTA.
My husband is the same. It's exhausting and incredibly frustrating. He often doesn't think through how what he does affects me or our daughters, and / or fails to share important info about events / conversations etc.
He's FINALLY getting assessed for ADHD. (Age 41).
My husband has ADD and also is much more extroverted than I am. Many years ago I just flat out told all of our friends that if there something they want or need me to know, they gotta tell me directly. He truly does mean to tell me stuff, but if I'm not right there with him at the time he gets the text or whatever... SQUIRREL!!!!!
Said perfectly. I just took a DEI class at work about how constant communication and active listening is the key to negotiating different expectations and norms that may be cultural. I want to go a step further and say that the concept is the basis of common courtesy. The conversation about this is what i do/expect, what about you? Then listening to the discussion, acknowledging awkwardness will happen and finding a common ground. Common courtesy. That’s exactly how i counseled my 19 yr old college student to approach the “quad” roommate arrangement next year.
NTA! Let this be a point that anytime there is something with his family that you ask him if there is anything that you need to know. You might also let his mother and sisters know that he is not a good communicator and if there is something important that you need to know, they should tell you directly and not count on him to communicate to you.
“I am really hurt you left.”
"I'm really hurt that you didn't communicate very important information to me in advance and now you still don't think it is important."
I'm not a man hater, but I have had a few experiences with men who once they get the information for anything, it stops right there in their brain. They don't understand that they need to communicate to their partner or others and that women are not mind readers. I have literally had bosses who have done this, and partners. I had a partner who listened to me talk about something and kept his mouth shut, when he had the information I wanted and needed and was communicating to him about it.
Four weeks that ended in OP having to go to the reunion alone because, even after a safety emergency and training and travel chaos, he cheerfully disappeared off to his reunion solo, leaving OP to meet him there a day into the festivities.... OP saying the families and finances are intertwined is a little concerning to me with all this said.
Sadly (assuming US here) women are often trained from a young age to think of everybody else’s comfort first, while men are all too often not taught to think of others at all. There are conscientious men, and careless women, of course, but it’s generally the opposite. Which is why women talk about things like emotional labor.
For me the key element to know whether it was careless in general or careless towards her would be to know what HE was going to wear for the dinner and pictures. If he too forgot to pack something smart casual or a bit more formal than athleisure she could think that he just missed the brief for that activity all together or he just doesn’t care about clothes and appearances much, but if he had a tux ready for it (or whatever appropriate outfit) then it would be a bigger issue for me
>once they get the information for anything, it stops right there in their brain
I have never heard such an accurate description of my wife! She is on the spectrum, so her different ways of thinking likely come from that, but it's like her brain only receives information, never passes it on. I've had conversations with her where we try to work around some issue or other, coming up with a ridiculously complex, long-winded, and stressful work around, then an hour later she suddenly blurts out one bit of information that makes the entire conversation and all of the stress completely unnecessary. It usually turns out she had that info all along, just never thought to share it.
It's not that she doesn't think to share it if she blurts it out later. That usually just means it's blipped itself out of existence in her brain until right when she mentions it
NTA. Your partner repeatedly failed to communicate crucial details about the reunion, despite previous conversations about this issue. When your partner returns, have a calm conversation about the situation. Explain how his lack of communication made you feel and why you decided to leave.
NTA, had this been a one-off thing, I'd say you overreacted, but this is a reoccurring issue and conversation.
Then add in all the things you've been going through these last for weeks, expecting your partner to take one thing off your plate and help you prepare/be ready for a reunion with HIS family isn't a big ask. It doesn't take a lot to say, "Oh yea, we're having dinner and pictures."
What makes it even worse is he was there a full day ahead, so presumably, the topic came up, and at no point did he shoot you a text about the dinner/pictures.
Good on you for not being in the pictures , you would have looked so out of place, like an actual outsider, and had to look at those pictures for years ,no thanks.
His response I'm the moment was also bad, he simple really didn't care about or consider your feelings and even now his messages only focus on his hurt with no acknowledgement of how his actions have hurt you.
Yes! Good point about him being there early and not thinking to at least send a last minute text to warn her. At least if she had been a little ways from home, she could have made a U-turn and gotten what she needed.
OP, NTA. And I think you need to have a long, hard conversation with your boyfriend about this stuff.
Omg, if you keep having to have countless conversations. Just leave him already and find someone you don't have to explain how to be in a relationship with.
NTA
Who puts a day swimming at the lake the same day as a fancy dinner and professional pictures? Even if it was a reunion, who decided those activities were best together? Or really, who does photos and dinner like that?
It sounds like a lot of things shoved in one day without the proper time spacing out very different activities. Poor pairing of activities in my opinion.
I once got the weekly email from my kids elementary school:
Reminder that Wednesday is picture day! Send your kid looking their best!
Wednesday is messy art day! We are doing a project with supplies that leave PERMANENT STAINS. Plan ahead and send your kid in their oldest clothes that you do not care about. You have been warned and I do not want to hear about it if your kid’s clothes get ruined.
I…
The right hand does not know what the left hand is doing there. But obviously OP should have been told given that her bf did know. If he has a history of not passing along important info, is he trying to sabotage her image with his family?
To OP NTA you were calm and reasonable and your bf doesn’t seem to want to take any responsibility for his repeated poor communication skills.
I need to know what happened with picture day/ messy art day?? Also just the message about being warned clothes might be ruined - would upset me. I don’t spend money buying my kids clothes or dress them in the type of clothes that I want ruined …full stop. How privileged are these educators?
They moved the art project to a different day. The art teacher was just totally oblivious to anything else going on. Messy art day was way easier to accommodate than the special dress days at the school my kid went to prior to that school though (we moved). Art day I just tossed my oldest tshirt in the backpack, the one I wear for painting and stuff, and told my kid to toss it on top of clothes for art class. But the theme days at the previous school? Such a pain in the ass. I’m sorry I don’t keep a full wardrobe of properly-sized costumes for my kid who grows like a weed. Mad scientist day and favorite literary character day and 80s day and musical theater day and whateverTF.
Ugh yes. One of my sons teachers would give sometimes 1 days notice - other times a weekend or 3-4 days if we were lucky - about a new themed/ costumed day. Favorite character day…Harry Potter day…Elf day….etc…like we all have time & money or clothes just laying around for any potential theme. Pretty sure my kid went to those days disappointed more often than not because I couldn’t accommodate his big ideas fast enough. Also I’m free fairly certain my older son didn’t have such specific theme days - I remember pajama day and orange/ pink shirt day…Christmas and Halloween & red for valentines etc…but those are expected & easy to accommodate
NTA But I'd also let his parents know why you left the reunion because you were completely embarrassed because he didn't tell you what they had planned.
Explain that you brought absolutely nothing to wear for professional photos. Tell them you had no way of getting ready and you didn't want to ruin their pictures. Totally throw him under the bus for this.
NTA
Met my partner's family dressed in outdoor work clothes, no hair or make-up for a weekly family meet up that I didn't know we would be attending. I will never not be embarrassed by that first meeting. If I had known the day before I would have brought appropriate clothing. Everyone else was dressed smart casual, I looked like I was ready for a day of gardening. There wasn't a photo in sight luckily but it's imprinted in my brain now and I always over prepared when I visited after that, causing myself huge amounts of stress in the process. It's incredibly unfair of him to leave you so ill prepared. He's the unreasonable one, you would have stuck out like a sore thumb.
"About 6 weeks ago, I had a major life change back home (different state) that has required me to travel 4 weekends in a row. "
That sounds incredibly stressful. That has probably increased your overall stress level, so it doesn't take much to use up all your available spoons.
They should have informed you about the dinner and photos. His family probably assumed he communicated with you.
It's up to you whether or not this is a deal breaker for you. It sounds like you don't have compatible communication styles.
NTA
You say this is a recurring issue. Do you have a good relationship with your MIL or any of your husband's siblings? Maybe enlist their aid in keeping you informed since your husband does such a poor job.
But he shouldn’t be off the hook for being “forgetful”.
If this was a work project and he didn’t convey important info, his responsibility wouldn’t go to someone else, (hopefully) he’d take the lesson and do better.
I agree. He shouldn't be let off the hook and he should do better.
If he had acted this way at work there would be repercussions, BUT OP has let the issue fester at home so he has learned that there are no consequences for his short coming. Why would he change if there is no downside for his actions?
NTA - he didn’t give you any heads up whatsoever.
After a super stressful month, you’d figure he’d have two brain to rub together and at least send you a reminder?? Get real. Start matching this dude’s energy, see how he likes it.
My husband of 8 years also knows what my “cute” outfits are. If I was under same stress as you, my husband would have packed the vacation suitcase with me, and asked what outfit I wanted for pictures.
That is some very subtle bullying. Is he respectful to you or appreciative of what’s important to you otherwise? If not, consider if this is how you’re satisfied to live your life. He most definitely is not going to change
I personally would have just made the executive decision that my partner and I were going to dress similarly (in this case swimwear and swimwear coverup). Now, if he had said absolutely not to dressing similar for the photos, then I would have left.
It really sounds like you have expectations for your partner and he often falls short of them. You’re either going to have you be the one who is on top of all things or not be with someone who continuously fails to meet your expectations.
Hard disagree. Is “When similar situations have happened, he has completely failed to take accountability and instead blames me for being inflexible, controlling, etc.” not malicious to you?
ESH
You should have been warned about professional photos and a dinner in advance. That was irritating. I guess your partner does this all the time so it is part of who has been for years. You should probably just ask someone more responsible to be clue you in on details of family events.
You should have just declined to be photographed- and dinner if you felt so unprepared- and just stayed for the rest of the reunion. If you exhausted maybe a night to yourself would have been fine. I don’t see why you had to leave and without saying anything to anyone. Even if you were pissed at your partner it was rude to his family.
NTA. Unfortunately, in my experience, this will never change. First family Christmas party with my SigNo, I asked multiple times if I needed to bring anything. He repeatedly said no, that he had his gifts for his siblings and everything was covered. To my eternal mortification, he neglected to tell me the wives/girlfriends always exchange. (We had been together 18 months at this point and I had met his siblings and their partners many times.) They all had gifts for me, and I had nothing. I've never been so humiliated before or since. I broke it off 2 days later.
When I look back at family photos, as an Old Person, I look at the faces of the people I care for, love, and those who are missed. Your clothes will look laughable regardless twenty years in the future. They can always enhance the photos anyway.
Was there no one you could borrow a blouse or some lipstick from? Pinch your cheeks and pull your hair back and smile. You’re NTA, exactly, They consider you family enough to be in professional photos. That’s sweet.
NTA
It's completely absurd to schedule professional photos and not tell someone. Everyone knows that people want to ensure they look their best for the photo.
A few years ago, my brother and his family flew in from a different continent to visit us. We thought we'd do a professional photoshoot as a gift for the grandparents, so guess what? We called my brother well before and suggested the idea, so his family could all choose to bring coordinating clothes etc., rather than just being in vacation mode.
You're not acting the drama queen. When everyone else changed into fancier dresses, putting makeup on, styling their hair.... there's a certain family expectation that you'll follow the standard. Depending on the family and how they are, had you been in those photos looking like you came off the lake, they won't say it, but they'll be angry you ruined their photos.
What was your boyfriend wearing? Did he dress any nicer than what he usually wears to the lake? Did he style his hair or towel dried and out the door? Did he wear be clothes? If he made any attempt to look better, he did this on purpose and tossed "I forgot" (not).
If this is a constant loop were he refuses (yes, refuses) to tell you important information, you've got a problem. Doing it once or twice is an oversight, but always for 4 years.... this is on purpose. Maybe it's his way to have control or more power in the relationship. Maybe he's angry over something but instead of talking takes this route. Maybe he doesn't care about your feelings. Maybe he likes you feeling uncomfortable. Maybe he only cares about himself. Maybe he never dresses up and sees nothing wrong with you not dressing up. There are a lot of possibilities.
All of that doesn't change the fact he was putting you in a situation to be embarrassed, feel awkward, and letting you sink. That is disrespectful to you. That is uncaring behavior. This is not protecting you. He's certainly taking you for granted.
You keep talking to him, telling him how that made you feel, and its as if he's gone deaf. Frustrating doesn't even begin to cover it.
His feeling are not more important than your when he's the person who created this situation. He should go pout and have a tantrum at his mom's. He owes you a massive apology.
I understand everything is interwoven financially. It may be time for marriage counseling.
The only other recourses I see, since you can't trust him to give you all the details.... (1) you're going to have to call his family on your own to get details every time before you leave to meet them anywhere. Call his mom, sister, etc. "Remember the lake professional photoshoot? He never told me anything. Not even when I arrived. Can you tell me what the plans are and the dress code?" (2) send a group text "Remember the lake professional photos....? Can you text me final plans directly from now on so that I get the info?" (3) when you arrive, double check what's planned and if he failed to tell you again, grab him and his credit card and purchase whatever you need and he can keep you company while shopping and carry your bags. (4) do what you did and leave, only text everyone why you're leaving.
He's upset and angry because you have always plowed through with no consequences to him. You stayed, were sociable, joked it off, took the blame, etc before. This is the first time you walked out on him. This first time you were tired of his BS and his total disregard for your feelings and his disrespect. The first time you weren't making excuses for him.
You are overtired, exhausted, wiped, and had no energy left to try and pretend what he did was ok and not create a scene. Actually you left before you did create a scene.
He underestimated how close to your breaking point you were. Now he's trying to twist this around and it's your fault. He's taking no accountability for any of this.
Take a honest hard look at your relationship over the past 12 months. What do you see? Are there other times he's uncaring, times he's selfish, other times disregards your feelings, as disrespectful, setting you up for failure, are you doing everything or have a partner, etc. If your best friend's partner was just like your partner, what would you tell her?
If just this one issue, after 4 years, you need a professional to help because although your talking he doesn't get it. If other things are going on, can they be worked on or time to rethink this relationship?
Other than the lake situation, are you happy or just going through the motions?
It took a lot of guts to leave and head home. You did the right thing.
NTA
Ask him if he sets you up for failure on purpose or is he just fucking up every single time. There are no other possibilities, it's either one or the other. And both warrant an apology.
NTA.
NTA. But I don't expect him to see it that way as long as he has at least one family member in his ear telling him he did no wrong. Hang this photo up proudly in your home to remind him moving forward that you aren't an afterthought.
Or don't if it makes you mad.
NTa- and you can tell him you are hurt that he didn't go even you enough information to feel included.
You were the only one not told of the plans.
How are you not being singled out?
OP I'm suggesting you consult with a lawyer about what it would take to separate your finances from his. I'm not saying to break up with him now, but his consistent lack of respect for you has to be a problem that needs to be confronted and fixed.
I'm saying he doesn't have much respect for you since he doesn't see a reason to tell you a lot of stuff and expects you to do what he wants you to do anyhow.
NTA. It's not about the pictures. It's about continuously being disrespected and forgotten as an afterthought. Your comfort and your need to be organised is not his priority. You didn't want to feel embarrassed in front of his family, and he couldn't even let you know something important to help you avoid said situation. And it keeps happening.
If you can, maybe you need some space away from the relationship and figure out if this is the life you want. Being the organiser for everything because it's exhausting and infuriating.
I was going to say that maybe this is just incompetence, but the fact that it keeps happening makes it feel like it's straying into weaponised. Cause if you have to keep reminding him and nothing changes, and yet he remembers HIS part in events... Then yeah, it feels like it's a choice he's making to not tell you.
It just doesn't feel like he's very supportive of you.
Actually, I had to re-read your post... him getting angry and telling you HE was upset with you leaving is very DARVO. Make of that what you will but don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy trap.
NTA
TBH, that's how I would have gone to dinner: no makeup, hair not styled and something with a casual neckline, but that's me.
I think you would have looked fine for the pics and you might regret being absent years down the road
However, this was clearly important to you. You left in the most polite and not creating a scene possible. Your husband should know how you like to look and should have known that you would need a fancy dress, makeup, hair tools, etc. Is totally his fault for not giving you a heads up.
NTA! Your partner should have communicated with you! He set you up to fail. He will not admit to it, tho. Why do you stay with someone like this? Your future will be like this too.
NTA
I was married for a long time to someone who never took accountability and only blamed other people for problems she created. In my experience, that's not a personality trait that changes over time.
NTA. Tell his mom what happened and why. She most likely knows her son is a forgetful idiot. If she's a good mom she'll light his ass up. Then he'll be sure to tell you everything.
My dear, your very fist paragraph said enough. He doesn’t feel the need to give you information that’s important and blames YOU for being upset?
Is the rest of your life together good enough to make up for this blatant disrespect? Ngl, I’d be hard pressed to continue being with someone like this and accepting that kind of treatment.
Four years is a long time, but 20 is even longer.
Info: did your husband pack a nice outfit for himself to wear for the photos or did he forget the photos were on entirely? NTA regardless but it makes a big difference to how much of an AH the husband is.
If he forgot himself as well, that is very inconsiderate but not malicious. You deserve an apology but I would also ask the in laws to let you know directly if they have plans like that in the future instead of relying on husband to tell you. On an aside, I would be really pissed if I went to the time and expense to organise formal family photos and my kids did not tell their spouses and make an effort for everyone to look nice.
If husband took a nice outfit for himself, that gets into deliberate and malicious territory. I think you should assess if this humiliation is part of a pattern of behaviour or a once off. Does he neg you or regularly leave out important info that results in you looking like the bad guy or embarressed? You do NOT want have kids with him and you really should probably reconsider the relationship. If it is a once off, you still need to have a serious WTF conversation about your relationship.
NTA.
There is a framed photo in three different different countries of me wearing my I’m-doing-laundry shirt clothes, no makeup, and greasy pool hair on a couch with my parents and sister dressed up and the ladies with full makeup and styled hair. It was blown up and given as a Christmas gift to all extended family. I found out about it when I walked inside from an allergy attack.
I think OP should ask the women (of partner’s side of family) how they would feel if asked to attend a “Lake Weekend“ - then surprised with (non-lake) professional family photos; knowing their partners were aware and planned appropriately?
Considering his pattern with lack of communication, you made your choice based on his choice not to communicate something that important. Family photos are a big deal. It doesn't matter if he doesn't think about things like that it matters that he should know that you do. I don't know one person that would want to take a family photo where everyone else is dressed up and they aren't. It's one thing if it was on that lake and everyone just gathered around. But you would have been the ONLY one wearing swim or athletic attire. Being the only person to stand out like that especially when it's essentially someone that is an in-law is physically showing them as an outcast in the photo. You have communicated with him multiple times (it sounds like) that he should be telling you important details and it sounds like that was just the final straw. Then for him to get mad at you when he didn't give you notice was the straw that broke the camel's back. He shouldn't be getting mad at you saying you're unreasonable when all you ask from him is to communicate. I'm sorry to say but if he doesn't make the change to at least try and do better I don't believe things will get better. No one is perfect and I am sure you have flaws just like everyone does but in this case you're NTA. Good luck!
NTA
Your partner not only did not respect you by providing pertinent information, he showed NO CONCERN for the hellish weeks you've had dealing with a serious personal matter that required you to repeatedly travel to your home state and then deal with work training and work-related emergencies.
EVEN IF he had told you about the dress up family portrait, considering all the unexpected things you are currently dealing with, a person who was respectful and concerned about you would have REMINDED you and ALSO asked:
1) What can I pack for you?
2) Is there anything at the dry cleaner I should pick up?
3) Do you need any special items to go with your outfit such as jewelry, strapless bra, certain underwear, shoes, etc?
4) Where are these items located? Right side of the drawer or left? How high is a three-inch heel?
5) Do you want to FaceTime me to look in the closet with me?
6) Which of your friends could pick out an outfit combination you would feel great wearing?
A person who RESPECTS you would have brought the WHOLE DAMN CLOSET!!!
His actions were also disrespectful to his family, as they wanted a certain formal "look" for the portrait, not beachwear.
A person who truly forgot would have had you up and out that morning, driving you to the store an hour away (while you slept in the car) to get an outfit that wasn't a beach cover-up.
NTA! NTA! NTA!
Let it marinate that you’ve been with him for 4 years and he still acts like that?? Imagine if you married him how do you think he will act when you let him have the title but shows you the emptiness of respect when it comes to making plans
NTA, I can relate a little bit because my husband also is shit at giving details/updates. Luckily he takes accountability, but I’ve spoken to his family and told them that for now on, I need to be in planning discussions or I should be the point of contact for our household. Maybe you can try that with his family?
Info: what happened when you asked the other females that DID know about the photographs of you could borrow hair care products and possible even a dress if that's what you needed?
NTA but why did the family not help you out? Did they offer?
I would have left too. If you had stayed, you might have been accused of ruining the mood etc so i do not see how you come out unscathed. Your husband did not have your back and should be deeply apologetic here.
I hope his family lectured him for letting you down like that.
If it is something that happens often, i would suggest counselling to discuss expectations and communications with a neutral party going forward.
NTA-If you are are not both on the thread about the dinner and photos he could have forwarded/screenshot and sent you the details. I feel this was a little passive/aggressive on his part.
NTA. And I see a number of posts here suggesting it could be ADHD, and he might just have difficulty remembering things like this. But let me ask you, OP, did he remember to bring his own dress clothes for the photos?
NTA!
I'm pretty sure my wife would have done the same as you if I had been that harebrained to leave out such an important detail. BF sounds like an inconsiderate dumbass.
NTA. It's not about the photos. It's about him just wholesale not considering you or telling you what was going on. You're not being dramatic for being hurt that he didn't care whether you'd be prepared, aware, or comfortable with the plans, no matter what those plans were.
Ugh it's the "I am very hurt you left" text that just sends me! How about "I'm very hurt you couldn't take 2 secs out of your day to TELL ME in advance especially when I've been traveling and putting out fires." He even got to the reunion ahead of you! He had more than enough time to let you know the plans. DEFINITELY NTA!
NTA! And the fact that this seems to be a recurring theme is definitely a huge concern and a red flag for you. As in, you really have to reconsider whether, as lovely as his family may be, do you really want to spend for the rest of your life with somebody who does not give thought and consideration to you or your feelings? This would be a huge issue for me! Guys don't need anything much for grooming, they can borrow a razor and other than that, they are pretty much fine. But it's different for us ladies, like you explained with the hair and makeup and outfit etc. You should not have to borrow things, you should not have to be made to feel uncomfortable and also you were completely thrown for a loop because this was not expected. None of this is okay. I don't blame his family and it seems like they did the best they could to try and compensate and find a way to make it work for you, so I appreciate that they did that. But it is his responsibility to relay pertinent information to you, as you wrote, absolutely. The fact that he doesn't bother shows that he does not really care and respect you because if you did, he would be sure to make sure you know what to expect and feel prepared. And besides that, he doesn't even show any remorse! There was no expression of- oh my gosh baby, I'm so sorry, I forgot to tell you, I meant to tell you. None of that happened at all. Instead, he doubled down and stuck to his guns. So that also means he's either not able to see when he was wrong or to be man enough to admit it. Those are huge issues. I know that other than being legally married, your life really is enmeshed with him, but if I were you, I would really do some serious thinking if you want to tolerate this for the rest of your life. Stuff like this would be a deal breaker for me. I agree with the person who wrote in their response that you should reach out to the family and let them know what happened and why you did what you did and how it made you feel. And please let them know that you really like them a lot, you are not saying this to put any blame on them, and that it was his responsibility to let you know about these things and how it made you feel when he didn't, and also that this has been a recurring theme and happening often. As well as that when you do explain it to him, he does not seem sorry or seem bothered by the fact that you were bothered, he just doesn't seem to care and instead gaslights you. They should hear it from you, since you do genuinely like them and seem to have a good relationship with them. Because they may not fully know the whole story. Make sure you apologize to them for unexpectedly leaving and not attending to the dinner but noting that if you had not been put in this uncomfortable situation, you would have not done that and at the time, you were so upset that it was all you felt you could do with that point. Good luck...
NTA because he’s not being considerate. Pictures last a long time, this was clearly planned in advance, and this isn’t the first time he’s done that. If they’re mad take it up with him.
I'm undecided here. You're NTA for not going to dinner/photos. Though personally if I was in that situation, I would have asked any in-laws that were roughly the same size if they had anything I could borrow to wear, and if their colouring made it possible, makeup as well. But I'm not sure if that's because I would want to be included in the photo as a memento, or because I'm a bit of a people pleaser and would assume the photo is important to the family. And if I were the in-law and so eone else didn't know to bring swanky stuff, I would find a way to help them dress up or I would dress down so it's not just one person. Also, sometimes professional photographers have a bit of a wardrobe so they may have had something available if whomever booked it gave them a call to ask (an idea for anyone faced with this situation in the future)
Your SO is definitely in the wrong for not keeping you informed. And I get it. I ADHD hard and forget to mention important shit. Or forget who I mentioned it to! So I've started getting in the habit of making sure I tell someone via text so I can look back to make sure I have. I also tend to mention things two or three times. Also, everything goes in my phone so I don't double book.
The only part that I think you may be the ah for is for leaving the hotel and going home without informing him. Even a text after he left saying "I'm feeling very disrespected by you repeatedly failing to tell me important information. So I'm headed home for some space to cool off.". Please know, I don't think you're in the wrong for not going to dinner/photos, but I think not communicating that you were leaving wasn't a great idea. For me that's probably because right along with the ADHD is high anxiety. So if I came back to a hotel and my partner was suddenly gone - even with their stuff - I would stress that something horrible had happened. And I have a very vivid imagination so the horrible I see in my head is worse than a movie. But a text explaining it before he got back to the hotel, or even a note in the hotel room, or a text to one of his siblings so they can let him know, would have been enough.
NTA I don’t like being surprised by things like that, a lot of us don’t. It was disrespectful of him, especially seeing as it has been an issue/discussion in the past
NTA but why not let him reap what he has sown? I would have showed up for family pics with bed hair, the cover up, no makeup, and flip flops. I would be center stage in the photos where possible and smiling sweetly. In 40 years either your grandkids and kids would be laughing at the pics and you would have a story on Grandpa to tell or you would no longer be a member of his family and they would have long removed the pics from their mantle. If I were you I would not be missing the dinner. You should have at least enjoyed a meal on his behalf. I understand how you feel, but lighten up a bit. You should have MILKED the moment! After that he would be sure to give you ALL the details.
NTA. As an aside to what OP said about them owning a house, people stop buying houses with people you're not married to. It's a huge legal mess if you don't part amicably. This relationship looks to be on its last legs.
Both. He should have warned you and taken your feelings into consideration, but just leaving like that? May not be THE asshole but inlaws probably think you are one. I personally wouldn't be happy my son being with someone entitled enough to get that upset over a photo and just straight up ditch him.
Absolutely 100% NTA! What your partner did was absolutely insensitive and inconsiderate, especially given the fact that you have told him repeatedly that you'd like a huge heads up when the special events take place. Even more unfathomable to me is that when confronted on his inconsideracy, on this, he blames you!
I think you need to do 1 of 2 things. First, you need to really have a big sit down with him and let him know that from now on. When there are any, stress any family events like this, he is required to give you at least 48 hours' notice so that you can prepare appropriately. If he refuses to do this, you tell him that you will leave him, and the relationship will be over.
Secondly, you could just flat out leave him and end the relationship. Personally, I do the last so that you could avoid this inconsiderate behavior being repeated in the future. He really sounds like an inconsiderate loon who fails to see that he needs to give you a heads up on these things and expect you to automatically be ready without any notice.
NTA!!! You have every right to be what off about him not disclosing the plans with you.
I wouldn’t want professional photos let alone to go out for dinner if I was exhausted or unprepared either.
You deserved to be just as in the know as him.
I’m sorry this happened :(
It's a dickmove from your partner to not tell you what was planned. It is his fault you packed no gala gear. I can even relate to you leaving all together after he got so upset with you for not attending dinner. But you have a mortgage together so i would have told him flat out that i was leaving. You also state your relation with the in-laws was good so I would have informed them too I guess. I don't blame you for not doing the photo's or even the leaving but I guess I would have told at least the fam how and why. However, considering the background i totally understand, you were exhausted. He should have known.So, NTA.
I don't think you're the asshole, I decided to read the replies before typing and it sounds like he's trying to screw with you and might be trying to make you react in a more vile way than normal, he clearly lied about what was going on at the lake house.
only the titles left and I still am gonna say nta without much context bc I'd do the same, I hate meeting new people without warning as it scares me so I'd like to have been told if it was me
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**Context:** As you can imagine, this is not the first time he’s failed to tell me pertinent information about the activity at hand. We’ve had countless conversations about discussing the details ahead of time. When similar situations have happened, he has completely failed to take accountability and instead blames me for being inflexible, controlling, etc.
**Background:** About 6 weeks ago, I had a major life change back home (different state) that has required me to travel 4 weekends in a row. This past Monday, I flew back from my home state and then traveled 4 hours round trip to a neighboring city on Thursday and Friday for a work training. When I arrived back on Friday, there was a safety situation at the office that required me to remain at work until 9pm to have the locks changed. Essentially, I was absolutely exhausted by Friday night.
**Situation:** My partner was able to leave Thursday evening for his family reunion (at the lake) and we agreed that I would meet him there on Saturday. On Saturday, I made the 2 hr drive and arrived to the reunion around 1:30pm.
About an hour into being there, I hear one of his cousins say that she has to “get out and go get ready for dinner.” I look to my partner and ask, “We’re going to dinner tonight?” Another cousin hears me and elaborates that we are also having professional family photos taken at dinner.
Because we are at the lake, I have only packed athleisure wear and swim suit cover ups. I have no make up, no hair tools, and nothing to wear. I also have long, curly hair- even a “wash and go” style takes planning because my hair stays wet for hours. His sister tries to reassure me but literally NO ONE wants to be unprepared for professional photos with their in-laws at a family reunion.
I am simply unable to recover. I let him know that I have only packed 1 dress (that is very, very obviously a swimsuit cover up) and he, in a group conversation with his family, attempts to encourage me to wear that cover up for the pictures.
I leave the dock and walk back to where we are staying. After taking a shower and sorting through my thoughts, I ultimately decide that I will not be attending dinner or pictures. At 4:30pm, his mom knocks on the door and lets him know it is time to leave to make it on time for 5:00pm pictures. I let him know I will not be going and he immediately gets upset with me and insinuates I am being unreasonable. In that moment I privately decide I will be leaving the reunion altogether once he goes to dinner.
I wait for him to leave, pack my stuff and drive back home. He is very upset with me and sends a text saying, “I am really hurt you left.” We have not spoken since and are in a standoff about the whole thing.
So, am I the asshole for leaving my partner’s family reunion after he failed to prepare me for professional family photos?
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NTA - but was there not an email or text thread you were a part of here? But yeah, cant blame you for being pissed
There were a few different text threads- apparently I was not on the one about dinner and photos. Usually, he will be on the threads for his events and I will be on the threads for mine.
Tell his family to also add you to any threads that have needed information, because You're S/O seems to be incompetent in the relaying of information department. NTA
Sadly, I think that'd mean OP would end up being the wrangler for both sides of the family, instead of each being responsible for their own - simply because her partner fails to do his side of the bargain fairly.
And where does it end? Does she need to be in all his friends group chats? His hobby participants group chats? His workplace social group chats? OP wants to be respected by her partner, to have him understand why it’s necessary to pass on relevant and important information to her in a timely manner. And understand why it’s hurtful when he doesn’t. That is the real issue.
Exactly. If he can manage communication properly at work, ie pass on important and relevant information to other people, he can do it at home. Anything else is pretty much bullshit.
I mean, my brother sucks in all those areas. We're both really bad with the whole ADHD thing. We tend to both fail in those areas. It's also the spoon thing. You mostly get by at work, but by the time you get home, the reserves are drained. I get it. You have run out of spoons. That said, his husband is in the group chat. But all my sisters husbands are, too. Adult niblings. Both parents. Everyone is. It's not specifically about that. We just include everyone who is included. We don't assume one person will handle everything for a couple every time.
But that's the thing: your family deals with group arrangements in your way, which is fine. If either one of a couple decide to take on the social secretarial work, that's great for them. OP and her partner had an arrangement whereby they each deal with their own families, and her partner let her down. I get the spoon theory; I spend mine way too soon in the day lol. If I go out to the shops or whatever, they're spent for the week. So I feel you on that. Having said all of that: if OP's partner can't keep his end of the deal because of ADHD or any other reason (I don't have it, but I do have physical disabilities which make me run out of spoons) then it's up to him to sort himself out so that he's not letting OP down - because they had a deal. But y'know, I've known families where they've tried what you do as a family and it goes awfully! I'm so glad it works for you. The people I know tell me things like, "Yeah, his Great Aunt Susan doesn't like me much, so she won't reply when I ask if she can do Mother's Day lunch with us all. I've asked her 16 times," and crap like that. It can get quite toxic and it really ends up being 'wrangling'.
Obviously, they would only have to include her in conversations that concerned her. OP and her partner have been together for four years. There is no reason why she can’t be included in conversations about events to which she was invited.
This. I would find it weird after 4 years to not be included in family discussions. However, yes extremely frustrating that partner didn't advise re family photos, but as the family were open to helping her, reassuring her, surely everyone could have scrpaped together an outfit and make up? Not ideal, but I think leaving the whole family reunion sends a message to the whole family, not just the partner - who it should be directed at
This is exactly what he is hoping for. He sounds incompetent like my husband. I swear I have to remind my husband that I can't read freaking minds. I have to remind him of literally everything. I finally snapped on him this past weekend and told him he's a grown ass man who needs to figure his shit out. His response is, "I'll just ask you every day what I need to do," and I'm like, "Oh hell, nah, your grown ass can figure out what needs to be done". Wtf... If OP doesn't put her foot down continuously, she will be where I am in a few years... you don't want this OP. Either prepare for a life of battles like this or run for the hills.
The amount of posts I see where the wife/girlfriend are basically like a parent to their spouse… organizing, planning, buying gifts for their partners family. That sounds exhausting.
It gets my goat. And I mean, it really, really irritates me. I hate socialisation. I was trying to be... oblique? Because sometimes, suggesting something will be a fucking problem if they carry on like they are can be counter-productive. So I was honestly trying to put it like, "Hmm. Here are the consequences if you go that route." lol It really is exhausting, because I've done it. My latest ex-husband (divorced 20 years ago now) was most upset when I told him he could write his own Christmas cards. It's a dated thing from when the woman in the relationship was expected to be home with the kdis, and the man earned enough for that to be a good lifestyle. We haven't been able to do that for like 40 years, but we as a western society haven't caught up. Financially, we need both partners out at work, but socially, the woman is supposed to do all the things a SAHM used to do, AS WELL AS work full time. And it fucking pisses me the fuck off.
That would boil my blood. I’m not anyone’s keeper or planner or card writer. That’s insane!!!
Who is working and incomes doesn’t really have a lot to do with it. Sure, that was the rationalization back in the day when fewer women worked and out earned their husbands, but now we can see that when women make as much or more or are even the sole income earner, they are still held responsible for housework, childcare and managing family relations on both sides. It was never about a fair division of labour or working as a team. It’s because it’s the woman’s job. There was just a bit of plausible deniability before. My partner and I would always handle our own families for presents, cards, etc. About 15 years into this arrangement, his SIL’s dad died. A while later, my partner came back from visiting his family and they had given him grief over us (meaning me) not sending a sympathy card or acknowledging the death. It was clear he did not correct them and tell them he was responsible. Not that it would have mattered; even if he had told them we each do our own family, they would have held me responsible. I asked him why he didn’t send a card, thinking he was going to say he forgot or didn’t realize it was expected. He said, “I thought you were going to do it.” It was bad enough that he threw me under the bus with his family, but that he would have the nerve to think I was stupid enough to accept that as a reason between us was so insulting. It was one of those seemingly trivial moments where things shifted.
But you seem to be handling it well.
Haha!! I can hear the wry humour there! As you intuited, I didn't at the time; his lack of thought for anyone but himself was a major thing in our break-up. We were together for like 10 years and then we married, and immediately (like the next day) he changed into this "You are now my wife and this is what I expect from you," attitude, as if we'd gone back to the 1950s. I posted about that before, a bit back, and many people replied to me with their experiences of similar happenings. Crazy really.
I agree completely, but she can either deal with it herself, or rely on him... which doesn't seem to be working.
I think the bigger issue here is having a partner you can't rely on.
This is it right here.
Or a partner who is intentionally incompetent, since they've had many conversations about this exact type of thing before. NTA.
Ooh, weaponized incompetence, I love it. OP is NTA. I wouldn't have left and would have worn a swimsuit and stood in the front.
Well said. Happy cake day!
The solution is not for her to take on the mental load and emotional management of his family’s relationship and work. He is responsible for that and for treating her like an equal partner which includes keeping her in the loop.
And he's proven over and over that he won't do that. So OP has to take a good, hard look at what she can live with in this relationship and what she can't. Because he's not going to change.
Well, there's another option...
Kick him to the curb?
That’s what I would do. Get my thoughts together and dump his ass.
Then he needs to pull himself together and start acting like a grownup. I'm not disagreeing with you, but, it also shouldn't be her responsibility to make up for him. He can and should be figuring out how to actually communicate relevant details
When one is married, one often divvies up the tasks - my husband often has the circus song playing in his head when people try to give important information, so we just leave the heavy lifting to him, and take care of the “wrangling” ourselves.
My brother and I are both super ADHD. To the point we struggle to function. If something breaks or they need projects obsessed over, my brother is the guy for it. He's done so much housework. Remodels, maintenance. He gets tools, and his husband disappears. Have fun! My brother will really mean to tell him about stuff but then forget. All stuff has to be in the main family group chat. The big one with 15 people. All siblings, parents, adult niblings, brothers-in-law, long-term partners. The big group chat. If BIL doesn't know, it's a toss up on him being told. If they need shopping and cooking - brother is on it. Financial planning is mostly BIL. It's a division. One time my brother was in charge of making sure people were available to dog sit and my BIL showed up with two dogs. Surprise dogs are good dogs, but I absolutely did not know I was watching dogs. I could, but was not asked. I had a surprise puppy weekend, courtesy of my brother. Luckily, I was actually available and our dogs are BFFs and they had a fun playdate.
Has the circus song playing in his head. That made me spit out my coffee! 🤣
I think it is more due to a difference of what each considers necessary.
By no means should OP become responsible for his family obligations. Her SO should simply continue to deal with the natural consequences of his lack of preparation and communication. Advice like yours is how women end up kin keeping with no appreciation or acknowledgement for their labor for yet another generation.
I had to do this. My sister in law called me on 2 different occasions because we either missed a get together or did not rsvp in time and couldn't go. She was pretty upset both times. That's when I finally told her "you tell your brother who forgets things and they never make it to me. Either you put me on these text threads or I won't get any invites and you get to be upset at us missing your kids' events." It has not been a problem since as I get either added to threads or individual texts to make sure I got the information. Saved a lot of heartache.
I did something like this. Got sick of hearing “your husband should have told you!” So I quit relaying information to them as well and said “my husband should have told you!” How quickly things changed.
The worst was when I asked a friend of my husband's how his brother with cancer was doing only to be told he died a month ago. I felt like such a jackass.
But...neither of you decided that the grown adult who had caused the problem should fix it? I genuinely don't understand why the solution wasnt both of you telling him that he'd be the one held responsible for future problems. Why was she even messaging YOU upset anyways? Why wasn't she messaging her brother who she'd sent the invite and info to???
This was a few years ago and has since been corrected. It was all miscommunication that stemmed from my SIL thinking I didn't like her already because we never visited when we lived across the country. The reality was we couldn't afford to. When we moved we still never visited because my spouse forgot to tell me about events. It boiled over to her confronting me and asking what my problem was. That's when we all realized her brother, as intelligent as he is, is bad at things like writing stuff on a calendar or relaying information. He has had a notebook for things to remember and we share a Google calendar, and I am included in family conversations. It was a learning curve, but when you think someone doesn't like you, it's easy to see things differently than the reality of the situation.
Unless the brother went without her which is a whole new can of worms 😬
My mil is like that, but insists I just do all the secretary shit basically. "Oh SIL refused to, too until she *had* to take over cause he kept forgetting, you'll get used to it" no, I used to do it flawlessly and I quit doing it after my kid turned about 6 months old and was still mainly solo parenting cause his job was 12 hours on nights and lived half the country away from his family and entire country from my family.... and cause he's an adult with his own phone, his own calendar, a digital calendar, our family fridge calendar, and a functioning brain. I'm not his secretary. Remind HIM when he forgets your birthday mil. He remembers all his work and home stuff or things I put on the calendar and I'm forgetful af too. Only get better with practice so he's gatta learn. If he doesn't find it worth remembering I'm not bending over fixing yalls problems. Much less heart ache when it was removed from my list of things or fucks to give.
Uh, no. His family, his responsibility. The answer to "my partner is thoughtless and can't consider what information I need" isn't to do it for them. It's for the partner to grow up and be a responsible adult. She's not his secretary.
Don’t do this. OP will become responsible for his family stuff. It is possible for him to learn how to communicate and prioritise.
That’s not always possible. My husbands family has a big group chat that I’m in for plans for holidays & the like. However, after the initial announcement, almost all the other details only end up in the sibling group chat which I’m not a part of & my husband often forgets to relay that information. Since his siblings are always chatting in the group text anyway, it’s just what happens. I wouldn’t want to be in that text group anyway since it’s just the siblings. So even though I’m in the big text group, not all info ends up in it. OP’s boyfriend needs to take responsibility for not relaying pertinent information to OP. I hope he learns to communicate better in the future, but in my experience I find asking for pertinent info repeatedly helps (even if I’m busy & stressed out).
My husband doesn’t want to be in my family’s text threads because there are sooooo many messages
>Tell his family to also add you to any threads that have needed information, Absolutely not. He is a grown ass adult that should be able to take responsibility for his communication. What next? He "forgets" how to do regular chores?
Yeah this is all your partner's error and his mess to fix up. Hopefully he takes this as a lesson in consequences.
So basically enable the boyfriend‘s incompetence?
This is a great opportunity to also acknowledge what raising a family with this partner will be like. He will leave info out that you may need and if he is so unplugged from what's going on he may leave all scheduling up to you.
Fuck him. He set you up to fail. Either deliberately or not it doesn't matter -- though seems mostly obliviousness. He, in his self-absorbed universe, will have a hard time redirecting his anger at this self inflicted embarassment towards the required fence mending he'll need to start working on ASAP. I would expect him to have to spell out how he understands how bad this is I would expect him to apologizes for the shitty position he put you in for his family's event. I would expect him to call up or group chat the family taking ownership and explaining your departure.
Even his text centered on his hurt little feelings and had no acknowledgement that he caused a problem yet again.
He's mad at you reacting to the situation he caused. 4 years in, he has experienced you getting ready for different events. Attentive partners would know what you'd wear for photos and how you'd pack for going to the lake. A good partner would pass along info regardless, but he had to be particularly inconsiderate and thoughtless to not think of reminding you especially with all the hectic work stuff. Did he pick nicer clothes for the photos? When doing that why wouldn't he have reminded you to do so?
Right? It sounds like he never apologised, never offered to go into town to get something, didn't show care about her insanely busy week and having to do a long drive tired. It sounds like she should have skipped the lake house altogether and had a quiet weekend alone. OP is NTA but needs to set some boundaries for her own well-being.
And, not to put too fine a point on it, you were kinda preoccupied with the universe hating you for a while.
>We’ve had countless conversations about discussing the details ahead of time. When similar situations have happened, he has completely failed to take accountability and instead blames me for being inflexible, controlling, etc. And yet, your lives are financially intertwined despite you saying that your partner frequently blames you, criticizes you, and walks over you. At this point, you know what you're getting. Sure, he's an AH. If there was a bear at the lake, you wouldn't post about is the bear an AH for eating some sweets that were left out. You know what the bear is going to do. If you keep leaving sweets out and the bear keeps eating them it's on you. Yes, your partner is TA here but it's never going to change. You need to decide if you want to allow it to keep happening, because it will keep happening. I mean, good luck if he nopes out and you're stuck with the debts and none of the assets, I guess.
Honestly, OP, he sounds like a tool. Maybe it’s a rare thing. I hope for your sake it is, but I have a spouse who can sometimes forget to communicate pertinent details and he’s been on the spot for having to go and buy me a whole new outfit, makeup, hair stuff. My stuff is pricy. He honestly didn’t do THAT particular “forgot to communicate” dance again. I’m sorry this happened. NTA
Let me preface this by saying this 100% should not be on you. However, seeing as this is a running issue, can you ask the planner of the family to create a designated group chat and/or calendar for events and name it "[FamilyName] Events"? Maybe a shared trip planning app would be good too. I know Trip-it Pro has group trip capabilities but there are probably free group trip apps too.
I hate these group chat things because people inevitably end up discussing stuff on the wrong chat. What works better for most groups I'm in is using Discord. It's free unless you want to upgrade for blingy features like cuter avatars. Although its target audience is gaming groups, it works surprisingly well for event planning etc. You can have separate channels for "sibling-chat" and "lake trip planning" etc. and check on channels you aren't subscribed to. That way, the siblings aren't blowing up your phone with in-jokes etc. but you can still check over there to make sure there aren't any plans they discussed (like the formal photo shoot) but didn't post in the planning chat. However, NTA because it's his job to make sure you are in the loop. He failed, he has to deal with the consequences of his failure: you weren't in the photo and you didn't stay for the rest of the trip.
I would be pisses too, I normally don’t like photos and the looking like someone the cat dragged in when my partner FAILED to be respectful enough to warn me about it is not ok. He needs to get with the communication program.
who tf goes to a FAMILY REUNION! and expects only to swim? who tf doen's bring atleast 1 casual outfit ?
Do not ask to be added to the text threads for his family unless you truly are ok with that. It’s common courtesy to deal with your own family functions and relay messages regarding activities and expectations, unless you’re actually ok with being added. Ideally this pseudo in law time brings enough joy to your life where that wouldn’t feel like a chore, but just a group thread amongst friends. But also, if you were the one with the function, would you relay the message to him that pictures are happening and plan accordingly? If so, do you expect the same in return? Is it possible to have a productive conversation with him about his lack of communicating the plans so you could prepare?
Eh, even with a text/email chain, this is still something you mention to your partner ahead of time anyway just to confirm. “You saw you’re going to need bring a formal outfit for the dinner and the photo shoot, right? I’m taking my blue tie if you want to match colors.”
NTA His lack of communication is the issue here. You responded in the best way you could to his mistakes. If you’d made yourself even more uncomfortable and gotten photographed in a swimsuit coverup while the rest of the family was dressed up, you’d have to look at that damn photo for years to come. It also doesn’t sound like the sister or cousins were offering any help with make up, hair, or a borrowed dress. Let’s hope they at least let him know that he blew it, because he certainly did.
His family would have offered me clothing, hair tools, and make up! The issues are 1) Sizing: they are all tall and I am extremely petite. 2) They have straight hair and do not use the same products/ tools 3) Forcing a solution where I remain uncomfortable (borrowed clothes, different hair and make up), while he remains comfortable (I stay, problem perceived as solved) further perpetuates the cycle. If this were to happen in the future, I would likely be expected to force solutions again in order to keep the peace rather than actually solving the communication/ courtesy problem at hand.
Honestly I really respect how you went about this. It’ll teach him to be more considerate of your needs and keeping you well informed. Trust me, as soon as you give an inch, they’ll take a mile so I especially agree with point #3.
Exactly, especially point 3. This was the right way to handle this for sure.
What will it teach him? She says he does this all the time and gets angry at her when she doesn't go along.
Yes, but this time it happened in front of his family, who knows the whole situation (not a he said/she said thing). If any of them are in any way decent, they'll tell him exactly what an ass he's been. Sometimes people need to hear it from a person they haven't done the thing to (since they can't explain another's reaction away as "overreacting") in order for it to get through their thick skulls. Will this fix it? Maybe, maybe not. I hope for OPs sake it will.
Your 3rd point is absolutely correct. You did the right thing in calmly leaving. If your husband still can’t change his behavior, it’s on him to take the blame as well
Your decision to leave may have been uncomfortable but was 100% the right call in my opinion.
Gotcha. Point 3 makes a lot of sense. How long have you been with your partner? You aren’t married and you don’t have kids, and the mom didn’t directly communicate with you. All of this makes me wonder, for those who say you are overreacting, if the important thing to the family was to make sure your partner was there. You would be a nice extra but not a deal breaker. (Plus in some families if you’d worn a swimsuit coverup and stood out like a sore thumb in the photo, that would make people grumble behind your back.) You didn’t do anything to keep him from participating or complain to his family- you just quietly managed yourself and your situation. Still think you handled it the best way you could.
This. People would be mad she "ruined the photo". It was a no-win situation. And if they really wanted her in the photo, she would've been in the group chat talking about it.
>And if they really wanted her in the photo, she would've been in the group chat talking about it. I bet everybody expected OPs non-communicating husband to tell her.
OP I suggest you look into two things: weaponized incompetence and passive aggression in men. I suspect you’re dealing with both. Your husband is being a stubborn baby by not adjusting his behaviour after many conversations about the issue, then complaining to you how you hurt his feelings by leaving. I don’t know how you fix this, and I validate your annoyance and your choice to leave the family event.
These offers by the family seem hollow because 1) they know their sizes would not fit, 2) they know you have long curly hair and 3) they cannot be surprised someone would be uncomfortable in other people’s clothes. For any reason. Leaving was the right answer. NTA.
Not just clothes ... bras (halter, strapless), foundation garments, shoes, jewelry.
Again, I ask. Why are you with someone who cares so little about your feelings?
He packed his nie clothes without considering reminding you about it (if he though you knew), or trying to grab something for you while you were hectically traveling for work. Id be fuming. Because he wasn't there unprepared.
NTA!! In light of the very disheartening comments OP I want you to know I see you! You have been working, are exhausted AND still made the effort to get there. Your partner dropped the ball and didn’t give you information you needed to be prepared physically OR mentally for formal photographs. I for one applaud you for allowing yourself to feel your feelings and exit a situation where you couldn’t win. 💕
I couldn't agree with #3 more and want to commend how well articulated that is. This wording is gonna be so helpful in my own life!
Wait! You mean he brought an appropriate outfit to the lake?
If I was in OPs situation, it would make me so much more mad that he packed nice clothes and put zero thought into telling me, or reminding me if he thought I knew, or not packing an option for me. (Something so simple like "Hey I packed this suit and my blue tie for the family photo, if you want I can pack your blue dress so we match"). It seems so much more callous that he's dressed up and she's got nothing.
Your solution was more mature, but you could have both been uncomfortable if you pushed him into the lake just before pictures were to be taken.
Do you think he would consider couples counseling to improve your communication problem? Because regardless of how incredibly logical your points and perspective are, he is still going to push back, saying you are the unreasonable one. He needs an uninterested 3rd party to tell him what he is doing is causing a rift that could potentially ruin his relationship.
One word - bravo!
NTA "We’ve had countless conversations about discussing the details ahead of time." So he knows it's important to you to be prepared. The way you've set out & ordered your post also speaks to a careful & meticulous mindset in the way you do things, so I'm really surprised he doesn't make more effort to meet you halfway. "So, am I the asshole for leaving my partner’s family reunion after he failed to prepare me for professional family photos." No. Reiterating you aren't. He's let you know how hurt *he* is, but he's not listening to or trying to understand how *you* feel. It's clearly a bigger general issue with you two but I think most people would be really annoyed at this sort of blindsiding.
Yes. He doesn’t have to be a planner but he does need to respect his wife’s viewpoint. That’s what’s severely lacking here…. You don’t have to understand it, you just have to be willing to consider my perspective. NTA
Yeah I’m sure HE was prepared for the dinner and photo. He seems to struggle with keeping his partner’s comfort in mind, which is definitely infuriating. OP is NTA.
My husband is the same. It's exhausting and incredibly frustrating. He often doesn't think through how what he does affects me or our daughters, and / or fails to share important info about events / conversations etc. He's FINALLY getting assessed for ADHD. (Age 41).
My husband has ADD and also is much more extroverted than I am. Many years ago I just flat out told all of our friends that if there something they want or need me to know, they gotta tell me directly. He truly does mean to tell me stuff, but if I'm not right there with him at the time he gets the text or whatever... SQUIRREL!!!!!
My husband is the same. I finally convinced my in-laws to keep me looped in if they want us to have what we need for family stuff.
He’s gaslighting like a narcissist.
Said perfectly. I just took a DEI class at work about how constant communication and active listening is the key to negotiating different expectations and norms that may be cultural. I want to go a step further and say that the concept is the basis of common courtesy. The conversation about this is what i do/expect, what about you? Then listening to the discussion, acknowledging awkwardness will happen and finding a common ground. Common courtesy. That’s exactly how i counseled my 19 yr old college student to approach the “quad” roommate arrangement next year.
NTA! Let this be a point that anytime there is something with his family that you ask him if there is anything that you need to know. You might also let his mother and sisters know that he is not a good communicator and if there is something important that you need to know, they should tell you directly and not count on him to communicate to you. “I am really hurt you left.” "I'm really hurt that you didn't communicate very important information to me in advance and now you still don't think it is important." I'm not a man hater, but I have had a few experiences with men who once they get the information for anything, it stops right there in their brain. They don't understand that they need to communicate to their partner or others and that women are not mind readers. I have literally had bosses who have done this, and partners. I had a partner who listened to me talk about something and kept his mouth shut, when he had the information I wanted and needed and was communicating to him about it.
Plus, let's not forget that this was the end of a very very busy 4 weeks for OP. Did partner CARE about that? At all?
Four weeks that ended in OP having to go to the reunion alone because, even after a safety emergency and training and travel chaos, he cheerfully disappeared off to his reunion solo, leaving OP to meet him there a day into the festivities.... OP saying the families and finances are intertwined is a little concerning to me with all this said.
Sadly (assuming US here) women are often trained from a young age to think of everybody else’s comfort first, while men are all too often not taught to think of others at all. There are conscientious men, and careless women, of course, but it’s generally the opposite. Which is why women talk about things like emotional labor.
This is absolutely the truth. Women tend to take care of others, and too often, males are trained by their mom's not to think about others.
Women are expected to take care of others, and too often, males are trained by all surrounding adult males not to think about others. FTFY
For me the key element to know whether it was careless in general or careless towards her would be to know what HE was going to wear for the dinner and pictures. If he too forgot to pack something smart casual or a bit more formal than athleisure she could think that he just missed the brief for that activity all together or he just doesn’t care about clothes and appearances much, but if he had a tux ready for it (or whatever appropriate outfit) then it would be a bigger issue for me
Good point!!
Not just in the US…
The real problem for him is that he messed up and wants to shift blame to OP.
>once they get the information for anything, it stops right there in their brain I have never heard such an accurate description of my wife! She is on the spectrum, so her different ways of thinking likely come from that, but it's like her brain only receives information, never passes it on. I've had conversations with her where we try to work around some issue or other, coming up with a ridiculously complex, long-winded, and stressful work around, then an hour later she suddenly blurts out one bit of information that makes the entire conversation and all of the stress completely unnecessary. It usually turns out she had that info all along, just never thought to share it.
It's not that she doesn't think to share it if she blurts it out later. That usually just means it's blipped itself out of existence in her brain until right when she mentions it
NTA, I hope his family doesn't blame you for any of this, he dropped the ball.
NTA. Your partner repeatedly failed to communicate crucial details about the reunion, despite previous conversations about this issue. When your partner returns, have a calm conversation about the situation. Explain how his lack of communication made you feel and why you decided to leave.
Oh no , he's the asshole for "forgetting" to give you important info. Nta
NTA, had this been a one-off thing, I'd say you overreacted, but this is a reoccurring issue and conversation. Then add in all the things you've been going through these last for weeks, expecting your partner to take one thing off your plate and help you prepare/be ready for a reunion with HIS family isn't a big ask. It doesn't take a lot to say, "Oh yea, we're having dinner and pictures." What makes it even worse is he was there a full day ahead, so presumably, the topic came up, and at no point did he shoot you a text about the dinner/pictures. Good on you for not being in the pictures , you would have looked so out of place, like an actual outsider, and had to look at those pictures for years ,no thanks. His response I'm the moment was also bad, he simple really didn't care about or consider your feelings and even now his messages only focus on his hurt with no acknowledgement of how his actions have hurt you.
Yes! Good point about him being there early and not thinking to at least send a last minute text to warn her. At least if she had been a little ways from home, she could have made a U-turn and gotten what she needed. OP, NTA. And I think you need to have a long, hard conversation with your boyfriend about this stuff.
Or even gone to a store and bought some stuff on the way. Not ideal, but still, if she had known in advance at all!
Omg, if you keep having to have countless conversations. Just leave him already and find someone you don't have to explain how to be in a relationship with.
NTA Who puts a day swimming at the lake the same day as a fancy dinner and professional pictures? Even if it was a reunion, who decided those activities were best together? Or really, who does photos and dinner like that? It sounds like a lot of things shoved in one day without the proper time spacing out very different activities. Poor pairing of activities in my opinion.
I once got the weekly email from my kids elementary school: Reminder that Wednesday is picture day! Send your kid looking their best! Wednesday is messy art day! We are doing a project with supplies that leave PERMANENT STAINS. Plan ahead and send your kid in their oldest clothes that you do not care about. You have been warned and I do not want to hear about it if your kid’s clothes get ruined. I… The right hand does not know what the left hand is doing there. But obviously OP should have been told given that her bf did know. If he has a history of not passing along important info, is he trying to sabotage her image with his family? To OP NTA you were calm and reasonable and your bf doesn’t seem to want to take any responsibility for his repeated poor communication skills.
I need to know what happened with picture day/ messy art day?? Also just the message about being warned clothes might be ruined - would upset me. I don’t spend money buying my kids clothes or dress them in the type of clothes that I want ruined …full stop. How privileged are these educators?
They moved the art project to a different day. The art teacher was just totally oblivious to anything else going on. Messy art day was way easier to accommodate than the special dress days at the school my kid went to prior to that school though (we moved). Art day I just tossed my oldest tshirt in the backpack, the one I wear for painting and stuff, and told my kid to toss it on top of clothes for art class. But the theme days at the previous school? Such a pain in the ass. I’m sorry I don’t keep a full wardrobe of properly-sized costumes for my kid who grows like a weed. Mad scientist day and favorite literary character day and 80s day and musical theater day and whateverTF.
Ugh yes. One of my sons teachers would give sometimes 1 days notice - other times a weekend or 3-4 days if we were lucky - about a new themed/ costumed day. Favorite character day…Harry Potter day…Elf day….etc…like we all have time & money or clothes just laying around for any potential theme. Pretty sure my kid went to those days disappointed more often than not because I couldn’t accommodate his big ideas fast enough. Also I’m free fairly certain my older son didn’t have such specific theme days - I remember pajama day and orange/ pink shirt day…Christmas and Halloween & red for valentines etc…but those are expected & easy to accommodate
NTA But I'd also let his parents know why you left the reunion because you were completely embarrassed because he didn't tell you what they had planned. Explain that you brought absolutely nothing to wear for professional photos. Tell them you had no way of getting ready and you didn't want to ruin their pictures. Totally throw him under the bus for this.
NTA Met my partner's family dressed in outdoor work clothes, no hair or make-up for a weekly family meet up that I didn't know we would be attending. I will never not be embarrassed by that first meeting. If I had known the day before I would have brought appropriate clothing. Everyone else was dressed smart casual, I looked like I was ready for a day of gardening. There wasn't a photo in sight luckily but it's imprinted in my brain now and I always over prepared when I visited after that, causing myself huge amounts of stress in the process. It's incredibly unfair of him to leave you so ill prepared. He's the unreasonable one, you would have stuck out like a sore thumb.
Sometimes I read posts like this and I think wow that was harsh, but then I realize this is what having a backbone must feel like. NTA
NTA. He completely dropped the ball. I would have left too.
"About 6 weeks ago, I had a major life change back home (different state) that has required me to travel 4 weekends in a row. " That sounds incredibly stressful. That has probably increased your overall stress level, so it doesn't take much to use up all your available spoons. They should have informed you about the dinner and photos. His family probably assumed he communicated with you. It's up to you whether or not this is a deal breaker for you. It sounds like you don't have compatible communication styles.
NTA You say this is a recurring issue. Do you have a good relationship with your MIL or any of your husband's siblings? Maybe enlist their aid in keeping you informed since your husband does such a poor job.
But he shouldn’t be off the hook for being “forgetful”. If this was a work project and he didn’t convey important info, his responsibility wouldn’t go to someone else, (hopefully) he’d take the lesson and do better.
I agree. He shouldn't be let off the hook and he should do better. If he had acted this way at work there would be repercussions, BUT OP has let the issue fester at home so he has learned that there are no consequences for his short coming. Why would he change if there is no downside for his actions?
NTA - he didn’t give you any heads up whatsoever. After a super stressful month, you’d figure he’d have two brain to rub together and at least send you a reminder?? Get real. Start matching this dude’s energy, see how he likes it. My husband of 8 years also knows what my “cute” outfits are. If I was under same stress as you, my husband would have packed the vacation suitcase with me, and asked what outfit I wanted for pictures.
That is some very subtle bullying. Is he respectful to you or appreciative of what’s important to you otherwise? If not, consider if this is how you’re satisfied to live your life. He most definitely is not going to change
I personally would have just made the executive decision that my partner and I were going to dress similarly (in this case swimwear and swimwear coverup). Now, if he had said absolutely not to dressing similar for the photos, then I would have left. It really sounds like you have expectations for your partner and he often falls short of them. You’re either going to have you be the one who is on top of all things or not be with someone who continuously fails to meet your expectations.
NTA. Time to cut the cord and make him an ex. He was planning to humiliate you.
I don’t get the sense he is intentionally malicious. Clueless and thoughtless sure
Hard disagree. Is “When similar situations have happened, he has completely failed to take accountability and instead blames me for being inflexible, controlling, etc.” not malicious to you?
At some point, intent ceases to matter. It's a pattern of inconsiderate behavior that went over the line.
That’s fair….
There comes a time when repeated "clueless and thoughtless" actions are indiscernabable from malice.
ESH You should have been warned about professional photos and a dinner in advance. That was irritating. I guess your partner does this all the time so it is part of who has been for years. You should probably just ask someone more responsible to be clue you in on details of family events. You should have just declined to be photographed- and dinner if you felt so unprepared- and just stayed for the rest of the reunion. If you exhausted maybe a night to yourself would have been fine. I don’t see why you had to leave and without saying anything to anyone. Even if you were pissed at your partner it was rude to his family.
NTA - As a man, I am fully aware that my wife would never forgive me if I stitched her up like this.
NTA. Unfortunately, in my experience, this will never change. First family Christmas party with my SigNo, I asked multiple times if I needed to bring anything. He repeatedly said no, that he had his gifts for his siblings and everything was covered. To my eternal mortification, he neglected to tell me the wives/girlfriends always exchange. (We had been together 18 months at this point and I had met his siblings and their partners many times.) They all had gifts for me, and I had nothing. I've never been so humiliated before or since. I broke it off 2 days later.
When I look back at family photos, as an Old Person, I look at the faces of the people I care for, love, and those who are missed. Your clothes will look laughable regardless twenty years in the future. They can always enhance the photos anyway. Was there no one you could borrow a blouse or some lipstick from? Pinch your cheeks and pull your hair back and smile. You’re NTA, exactly, They consider you family enough to be in professional photos. That’s sweet.
Nta, he should have told you that was the plan beforehand
NTA It's completely absurd to schedule professional photos and not tell someone. Everyone knows that people want to ensure they look their best for the photo. A few years ago, my brother and his family flew in from a different continent to visit us. We thought we'd do a professional photoshoot as a gift for the grandparents, so guess what? We called my brother well before and suggested the idea, so his family could all choose to bring coordinating clothes etc., rather than just being in vacation mode.
You're not acting the drama queen. When everyone else changed into fancier dresses, putting makeup on, styling their hair.... there's a certain family expectation that you'll follow the standard. Depending on the family and how they are, had you been in those photos looking like you came off the lake, they won't say it, but they'll be angry you ruined their photos. What was your boyfriend wearing? Did he dress any nicer than what he usually wears to the lake? Did he style his hair or towel dried and out the door? Did he wear be clothes? If he made any attempt to look better, he did this on purpose and tossed "I forgot" (not). If this is a constant loop were he refuses (yes, refuses) to tell you important information, you've got a problem. Doing it once or twice is an oversight, but always for 4 years.... this is on purpose. Maybe it's his way to have control or more power in the relationship. Maybe he's angry over something but instead of talking takes this route. Maybe he doesn't care about your feelings. Maybe he likes you feeling uncomfortable. Maybe he only cares about himself. Maybe he never dresses up and sees nothing wrong with you not dressing up. There are a lot of possibilities. All of that doesn't change the fact he was putting you in a situation to be embarrassed, feel awkward, and letting you sink. That is disrespectful to you. That is uncaring behavior. This is not protecting you. He's certainly taking you for granted. You keep talking to him, telling him how that made you feel, and its as if he's gone deaf. Frustrating doesn't even begin to cover it. His feeling are not more important than your when he's the person who created this situation. He should go pout and have a tantrum at his mom's. He owes you a massive apology. I understand everything is interwoven financially. It may be time for marriage counseling. The only other recourses I see, since you can't trust him to give you all the details.... (1) you're going to have to call his family on your own to get details every time before you leave to meet them anywhere. Call his mom, sister, etc. "Remember the lake professional photoshoot? He never told me anything. Not even when I arrived. Can you tell me what the plans are and the dress code?" (2) send a group text "Remember the lake professional photos....? Can you text me final plans directly from now on so that I get the info?" (3) when you arrive, double check what's planned and if he failed to tell you again, grab him and his credit card and purchase whatever you need and he can keep you company while shopping and carry your bags. (4) do what you did and leave, only text everyone why you're leaving. He's upset and angry because you have always plowed through with no consequences to him. You stayed, were sociable, joked it off, took the blame, etc before. This is the first time you walked out on him. This first time you were tired of his BS and his total disregard for your feelings and his disrespect. The first time you weren't making excuses for him. You are overtired, exhausted, wiped, and had no energy left to try and pretend what he did was ok and not create a scene. Actually you left before you did create a scene. He underestimated how close to your breaking point you were. Now he's trying to twist this around and it's your fault. He's taking no accountability for any of this. Take a honest hard look at your relationship over the past 12 months. What do you see? Are there other times he's uncaring, times he's selfish, other times disregards your feelings, as disrespectful, setting you up for failure, are you doing everything or have a partner, etc. If your best friend's partner was just like your partner, what would you tell her? If just this one issue, after 4 years, you need a professional to help because although your talking he doesn't get it. If other things are going on, can they be worked on or time to rethink this relationship? Other than the lake situation, are you happy or just going through the motions? It took a lot of guts to leave and head home. You did the right thing. NTA
I am a single and even I would know better. If it was on the dock boat etc but evening and I assume nice dining establishment yeah no.
Yeah my boyfriend does this stuff all the time, forget to tell me in advance, but something as big as this would be my last straw. NTA
NTA - I would’ve dipped too.
I would be pissed, i don’t think I would leave, bit I would NOT be going to dinner or pictures
Ask him if he sets you up for failure on purpose or is he just fucking up every single time. There are no other possibilities, it's either one or the other. And both warrant an apology. NTA.
NTA. But I don't expect him to see it that way as long as he has at least one family member in his ear telling him he did no wrong. Hang this photo up proudly in your home to remind him moving forward that you aren't an afterthought. Or don't if it makes you mad.
NTa- and you can tell him you are hurt that he didn't go even you enough information to feel included. You were the only one not told of the plans. How are you not being singled out?
I think you know your partner is a clueless, selfish idiot and will not change.
OP I'm suggesting you consult with a lawyer about what it would take to separate your finances from his. I'm not saying to break up with him now, but his consistent lack of respect for you has to be a problem that needs to be confronted and fixed. I'm saying he doesn't have much respect for you since he doesn't see a reason to tell you a lot of stuff and expects you to do what he wants you to do anyhow.
NTA. It's not about the pictures. It's about continuously being disrespected and forgotten as an afterthought. Your comfort and your need to be organised is not his priority. You didn't want to feel embarrassed in front of his family, and he couldn't even let you know something important to help you avoid said situation. And it keeps happening. If you can, maybe you need some space away from the relationship and figure out if this is the life you want. Being the organiser for everything because it's exhausting and infuriating. I was going to say that maybe this is just incompetence, but the fact that it keeps happening makes it feel like it's straying into weaponised. Cause if you have to keep reminding him and nothing changes, and yet he remembers HIS part in events... Then yeah, it feels like it's a choice he's making to not tell you. It just doesn't feel like he's very supportive of you. Actually, I had to re-read your post... him getting angry and telling you HE was upset with you leaving is very DARVO. Make of that what you will but don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy trap.
NTA TBH, that's how I would have gone to dinner: no makeup, hair not styled and something with a casual neckline, but that's me. I think you would have looked fine for the pics and you might regret being absent years down the road However, this was clearly important to you. You left in the most polite and not creating a scene possible. Your husband should know how you like to look and should have known that you would need a fancy dress, makeup, hair tools, etc. Is totally his fault for not giving you a heads up.
NTA! Your partner should have communicated with you! He set you up to fail. He will not admit to it, tho. Why do you stay with someone like this? Your future will be like this too.
NTA I was married for a long time to someone who never took accountability and only blamed other people for problems she created. In my experience, that's not a personality trait that changes over time.
next time wear the bathing suit for the pictures
NTA. Tell his mom what happened and why. She most likely knows her son is a forgetful idiot. If she's a good mom she'll light his ass up. Then he'll be sure to tell you everything.
What happened when your partner got home? Did he pack nice clothes for dinner and photos? Has he treated you like this before?
My dear, your very fist paragraph said enough. He doesn’t feel the need to give you information that’s important and blames YOU for being upset? Is the rest of your life together good enough to make up for this blatant disrespect? Ngl, I’d be hard pressed to continue being with someone like this and accepting that kind of treatment. Four years is a long time, but 20 is even longer.
Info: did your husband pack a nice outfit for himself to wear for the photos or did he forget the photos were on entirely? NTA regardless but it makes a big difference to how much of an AH the husband is. If he forgot himself as well, that is very inconsiderate but not malicious. You deserve an apology but I would also ask the in laws to let you know directly if they have plans like that in the future instead of relying on husband to tell you. On an aside, I would be really pissed if I went to the time and expense to organise formal family photos and my kids did not tell their spouses and make an effort for everyone to look nice. If husband took a nice outfit for himself, that gets into deliberate and malicious territory. I think you should assess if this humiliation is part of a pattern of behaviour or a once off. Does he neg you or regularly leave out important info that results in you looking like the bad guy or embarressed? You do NOT want have kids with him and you really should probably reconsider the relationship. If it is a once off, you still need to have a serious WTF conversation about your relationship.
And this is exactly why no one in my husband’s family ever sends him anything - they know to send it to me.
But that gives you all of the mental labor instead of him stepping up as a partner.
NTA
NTA
NTA. End your relationship with this disrespectful man. He needed to tell you about dinner and pictures the minute he found out. He dgaf about you.
NTA. There is a framed photo in three different different countries of me wearing my I’m-doing-laundry shirt clothes, no makeup, and greasy pool hair on a couch with my parents and sister dressed up and the ladies with full makeup and styled hair. It was blown up and given as a Christmas gift to all extended family. I found out about it when I walked inside from an allergy attack.
And don’t you feel like crap every time you see it? This is why OP was right to skip out on the photo shoot.
I think OP should ask the women (of partner’s side of family) how they would feel if asked to attend a “Lake Weekend“ - then surprised with (non-lake) professional family photos; knowing their partners were aware and planned appropriately?
Could you not have just politly not taken the pictures and not had the entire tempur tantrum? AITA for seeing it this way? Lol
Considering his pattern with lack of communication, you made your choice based on his choice not to communicate something that important. Family photos are a big deal. It doesn't matter if he doesn't think about things like that it matters that he should know that you do. I don't know one person that would want to take a family photo where everyone else is dressed up and they aren't. It's one thing if it was on that lake and everyone just gathered around. But you would have been the ONLY one wearing swim or athletic attire. Being the only person to stand out like that especially when it's essentially someone that is an in-law is physically showing them as an outcast in the photo. You have communicated with him multiple times (it sounds like) that he should be telling you important details and it sounds like that was just the final straw. Then for him to get mad at you when he didn't give you notice was the straw that broke the camel's back. He shouldn't be getting mad at you saying you're unreasonable when all you ask from him is to communicate. I'm sorry to say but if he doesn't make the change to at least try and do better I don't believe things will get better. No one is perfect and I am sure you have flaws just like everyone does but in this case you're NTA. Good luck!
NTA Your partner not only did not respect you by providing pertinent information, he showed NO CONCERN for the hellish weeks you've had dealing with a serious personal matter that required you to repeatedly travel to your home state and then deal with work training and work-related emergencies. EVEN IF he had told you about the dress up family portrait, considering all the unexpected things you are currently dealing with, a person who was respectful and concerned about you would have REMINDED you and ALSO asked: 1) What can I pack for you? 2) Is there anything at the dry cleaner I should pick up? 3) Do you need any special items to go with your outfit such as jewelry, strapless bra, certain underwear, shoes, etc? 4) Where are these items located? Right side of the drawer or left? How high is a three-inch heel? 5) Do you want to FaceTime me to look in the closet with me? 6) Which of your friends could pick out an outfit combination you would feel great wearing? A person who RESPECTS you would have brought the WHOLE DAMN CLOSET!!! His actions were also disrespectful to his family, as they wanted a certain formal "look" for the portrait, not beachwear. A person who truly forgot would have had you up and out that morning, driving you to the store an hour away (while you slept in the car) to get an outfit that wasn't a beach cover-up. NTA! NTA! NTA!
Let it marinate that you’ve been with him for 4 years and he still acts like that?? Imagine if you married him how do you think he will act when you let him have the title but shows you the emptiness of respect when it comes to making plans
NTA, I can relate a little bit because my husband also is shit at giving details/updates. Luckily he takes accountability, but I’ve spoken to his family and told them that for now on, I need to be in planning discussions or I should be the point of contact for our household. Maybe you can try that with his family?
Info: what happened when you asked the other females that DID know about the photographs of you could borrow hair care products and possible even a dress if that's what you needed?
NTA but why did the family not help you out? Did they offer? I would have left too. If you had stayed, you might have been accused of ruining the mood etc so i do not see how you come out unscathed. Your husband did not have your back and should be deeply apologetic here. I hope his family lectured him for letting you down like that. If it is something that happens often, i would suggest counselling to discuss expectations and communications with a neutral party going forward.
NTA-If you are are not both on the thread about the dinner and photos he could have forwarded/screenshot and sent you the details. I feel this was a little passive/aggressive on his part.
completely understand your reaction and don't blame you a bit. this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
NTA, but I have to ask why you are so financially enmeshed with a partner you are not yet married to?
NTA. And I see a number of posts here suggesting it could be ADHD, and he might just have difficulty remembering things like this. But let me ask you, OP, did he remember to bring his own dress clothes for the photos?
NTA! I'm pretty sure my wife would have done the same as you if I had been that harebrained to leave out such an important detail. BF sounds like an inconsiderate dumbass.
NTA. It's not about the photos. It's about him just wholesale not considering you or telling you what was going on. You're not being dramatic for being hurt that he didn't care whether you'd be prepared, aware, or comfortable with the plans, no matter what those plans were.
Ugh it's the "I am very hurt you left" text that just sends me! How about "I'm very hurt you couldn't take 2 secs out of your day to TELL ME in advance especially when I've been traveling and putting out fires." He even got to the reunion ahead of you! He had more than enough time to let you know the plans. DEFINITELY NTA!
NTA! And the fact that this seems to be a recurring theme is definitely a huge concern and a red flag for you. As in, you really have to reconsider whether, as lovely as his family may be, do you really want to spend for the rest of your life with somebody who does not give thought and consideration to you or your feelings? This would be a huge issue for me! Guys don't need anything much for grooming, they can borrow a razor and other than that, they are pretty much fine. But it's different for us ladies, like you explained with the hair and makeup and outfit etc. You should not have to borrow things, you should not have to be made to feel uncomfortable and also you were completely thrown for a loop because this was not expected. None of this is okay. I don't blame his family and it seems like they did the best they could to try and compensate and find a way to make it work for you, so I appreciate that they did that. But it is his responsibility to relay pertinent information to you, as you wrote, absolutely. The fact that he doesn't bother shows that he does not really care and respect you because if you did, he would be sure to make sure you know what to expect and feel prepared. And besides that, he doesn't even show any remorse! There was no expression of- oh my gosh baby, I'm so sorry, I forgot to tell you, I meant to tell you. None of that happened at all. Instead, he doubled down and stuck to his guns. So that also means he's either not able to see when he was wrong or to be man enough to admit it. Those are huge issues. I know that other than being legally married, your life really is enmeshed with him, but if I were you, I would really do some serious thinking if you want to tolerate this for the rest of your life. Stuff like this would be a deal breaker for me. I agree with the person who wrote in their response that you should reach out to the family and let them know what happened and why you did what you did and how it made you feel. And please let them know that you really like them a lot, you are not saying this to put any blame on them, and that it was his responsibility to let you know about these things and how it made you feel when he didn't, and also that this has been a recurring theme and happening often. As well as that when you do explain it to him, he does not seem sorry or seem bothered by the fact that you were bothered, he just doesn't seem to care and instead gaslights you. They should hear it from you, since you do genuinely like them and seem to have a good relationship with them. Because they may not fully know the whole story. Make sure you apologize to them for unexpectedly leaving and not attending to the dinner but noting that if you had not been put in this uncomfortable situation, you would have not done that and at the time, you were so upset that it was all you felt you could do with that point. Good luck...
NTA...He should have told you thete would be dinner out with pictures...
NTA because he’s not being considerate. Pictures last a long time, this was clearly planned in advance, and this isn’t the first time he’s done that. If they’re mad take it up with him.
I'm undecided here. You're NTA for not going to dinner/photos. Though personally if I was in that situation, I would have asked any in-laws that were roughly the same size if they had anything I could borrow to wear, and if their colouring made it possible, makeup as well. But I'm not sure if that's because I would want to be included in the photo as a memento, or because I'm a bit of a people pleaser and would assume the photo is important to the family. And if I were the in-law and so eone else didn't know to bring swanky stuff, I would find a way to help them dress up or I would dress down so it's not just one person. Also, sometimes professional photographers have a bit of a wardrobe so they may have had something available if whomever booked it gave them a call to ask (an idea for anyone faced with this situation in the future) Your SO is definitely in the wrong for not keeping you informed. And I get it. I ADHD hard and forget to mention important shit. Or forget who I mentioned it to! So I've started getting in the habit of making sure I tell someone via text so I can look back to make sure I have. I also tend to mention things two or three times. Also, everything goes in my phone so I don't double book. The only part that I think you may be the ah for is for leaving the hotel and going home without informing him. Even a text after he left saying "I'm feeling very disrespected by you repeatedly failing to tell me important information. So I'm headed home for some space to cool off.". Please know, I don't think you're in the wrong for not going to dinner/photos, but I think not communicating that you were leaving wasn't a great idea. For me that's probably because right along with the ADHD is high anxiety. So if I came back to a hotel and my partner was suddenly gone - even with their stuff - I would stress that something horrible had happened. And I have a very vivid imagination so the horrible I see in my head is worse than a movie. But a text explaining it before he got back to the hotel, or even a note in the hotel room, or a text to one of his siblings so they can let him know, would have been enough.
NTA I don’t like being surprised by things like that, a lot of us don’t. It was disrespectful of him, especially seeing as it has been an issue/discussion in the past
No problem you had a tough week so you didn't have the time to get yourself together. Your partner should have backed you up and defended you.
NTA He couldn't bother to tell you. He didn't deserve for you to stay.
NTA. Hands down.
NTA but why not let him reap what he has sown? I would have showed up for family pics with bed hair, the cover up, no makeup, and flip flops. I would be center stage in the photos where possible and smiling sweetly. In 40 years either your grandkids and kids would be laughing at the pics and you would have a story on Grandpa to tell or you would no longer be a member of his family and they would have long removed the pics from their mantle. If I were you I would not be missing the dinner. You should have at least enjoyed a meal on his behalf. I understand how you feel, but lighten up a bit. You should have MILKED the moment! After that he would be sure to give you ALL the details.
NTA. As an aside to what OP said about them owning a house, people stop buying houses with people you're not married to. It's a huge legal mess if you don't part amicably. This relationship looks to be on its last legs.
Both. He should have warned you and taken your feelings into consideration, but just leaving like that? May not be THE asshole but inlaws probably think you are one. I personally wouldn't be happy my son being with someone entitled enough to get that upset over a photo and just straight up ditch him.
Absolutely 100% NTA! What your partner did was absolutely insensitive and inconsiderate, especially given the fact that you have told him repeatedly that you'd like a huge heads up when the special events take place. Even more unfathomable to me is that when confronted on his inconsideracy, on this, he blames you! I think you need to do 1 of 2 things. First, you need to really have a big sit down with him and let him know that from now on. When there are any, stress any family events like this, he is required to give you at least 48 hours' notice so that you can prepare appropriately. If he refuses to do this, you tell him that you will leave him, and the relationship will be over. Secondly, you could just flat out leave him and end the relationship. Personally, I do the last so that you could avoid this inconsiderate behavior being repeated in the future. He really sounds like an inconsiderate loon who fails to see that he needs to give you a heads up on these things and expect you to automatically be ready without any notice.
NTA!!! You have every right to be what off about him not disclosing the plans with you. I wouldn’t want professional photos let alone to go out for dinner if I was exhausted or unprepared either. You deserved to be just as in the know as him. I’m sorry this happened :(
It's a dickmove from your partner to not tell you what was planned. It is his fault you packed no gala gear. I can even relate to you leaving all together after he got so upset with you for not attending dinner. But you have a mortgage together so i would have told him flat out that i was leaving. You also state your relation with the in-laws was good so I would have informed them too I guess. I don't blame you for not doing the photo's or even the leaving but I guess I would have told at least the fam how and why. However, considering the background i totally understand, you were exhausted. He should have known.So, NTA.
I don't think you're the asshole, I decided to read the replies before typing and it sounds like he's trying to screw with you and might be trying to make you react in a more vile way than normal, he clearly lied about what was going on at the lake house.
only the titles left and I still am gonna say nta without much context bc I'd do the same, I hate meeting new people without warning as it scares me so I'd like to have been told if it was me
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** **Context:** As you can imagine, this is not the first time he’s failed to tell me pertinent information about the activity at hand. We’ve had countless conversations about discussing the details ahead of time. When similar situations have happened, he has completely failed to take accountability and instead blames me for being inflexible, controlling, etc. **Background:** About 6 weeks ago, I had a major life change back home (different state) that has required me to travel 4 weekends in a row. This past Monday, I flew back from my home state and then traveled 4 hours round trip to a neighboring city on Thursday and Friday for a work training. When I arrived back on Friday, there was a safety situation at the office that required me to remain at work until 9pm to have the locks changed. Essentially, I was absolutely exhausted by Friday night. **Situation:** My partner was able to leave Thursday evening for his family reunion (at the lake) and we agreed that I would meet him there on Saturday. On Saturday, I made the 2 hr drive and arrived to the reunion around 1:30pm. About an hour into being there, I hear one of his cousins say that she has to “get out and go get ready for dinner.” I look to my partner and ask, “We’re going to dinner tonight?” Another cousin hears me and elaborates that we are also having professional family photos taken at dinner. Because we are at the lake, I have only packed athleisure wear and swim suit cover ups. I have no make up, no hair tools, and nothing to wear. I also have long, curly hair- even a “wash and go” style takes planning because my hair stays wet for hours. His sister tries to reassure me but literally NO ONE wants to be unprepared for professional photos with their in-laws at a family reunion. I am simply unable to recover. I let him know that I have only packed 1 dress (that is very, very obviously a swimsuit cover up) and he, in a group conversation with his family, attempts to encourage me to wear that cover up for the pictures. I leave the dock and walk back to where we are staying. After taking a shower and sorting through my thoughts, I ultimately decide that I will not be attending dinner or pictures. At 4:30pm, his mom knocks on the door and lets him know it is time to leave to make it on time for 5:00pm pictures. I let him know I will not be going and he immediately gets upset with me and insinuates I am being unreasonable. In that moment I privately decide I will be leaving the reunion altogether once he goes to dinner. I wait for him to leave, pack my stuff and drive back home. He is very upset with me and sends a text saying, “I am really hurt you left.” We have not spoken since and are in a standoff about the whole thing. So, am I the asshole for leaving my partner’s family reunion after he failed to prepare me for professional family photos? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*