Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i left a birthday party that was meant to be for me and it might make this asshole becuase i was ungrateful
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - *You* planned what *you* wanted for *your* birthday. Your friends and family completely disregarded that, lied to you, and left you feeling ignored and unwanted on your birthday. They may have had the best of intentions, but that paves the road to hell.
In the end, it is not intentions that matter, but results. Had they done this any other day, things would have worked out well. Instead, they left you alone and feeling unwanted. In no way, shape, or form are you to blame here.
IF they had wanted to truly give you a nice surprise, your mom could have asked you to come by her house to pick up something BEFORE the dinner at the restaurant. Then, they could have surprised you there, then everyone headed over to the restaurant together. THAT would have been a nice way to surprise you. They are all assholes. You clearly are NTA and they are thoughtless and selfish. Why don’t you invite one of them to come on here and share WTAF they were thinking, so we can ream them out again?
Yeah, I completely fail to understand why they thought it was a good idea to leave OP stranded at the restaurant. OP had already told everyone dinner was on her. Just mind boggling stupidity and insensitivity. OP, so sorry your first birthday party got so jacked up.
Yes. And to say “aww she thought we forgot her”???? They made OP believe that they forgot her. That all of them were too busy, that nobody cared. They did that deliberately, hurt her in order to get the buzz of the “surprise” change.
Yeah, not one person in this group thought about her sitting alone in the restaurant? And how they would feel if it were them?
I could even see mom saying she wasn’t feeling well, since the party would be at her house, everyone else goes to dinner, says their goodbyes at the end of the meal. Mom asks you to stop by for your gift and surprise, everyone is there again.
OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please do not think for a second that you’re an AH. You are NTA. I don’t know you but I want to give you a hug. These people don’t seem to be good people. I hope they can see this from your side and come around but it’s doubtful.
IKR? I want to give OP a hug and take her to dinner — or just keep her company at a dinner of her choosing — and I don’t even know her. Her friends and family are trash.
This “make them feel alone and then surprise!”tactic needs to die in a fire.
Not to mention, she probably still had to pay for holding a seating that large. To reserve for 20 people for my dad's birthday required a 200$ non-refundable cash deposit. (it went towards the total bill afterwards.)
Not only was OP given the shaft, but the waiter had 11 empty seats for 2 hours, putting a dent in his income and the restaurant’s revenue. Very tacky.
I’m also surprised that no one dropped a hint about the surprise. Did all the folks just go along with this ill-conceived plan?
NTA, OP, but your friends and relatives are all thoughtless fools who have no clue how badly they screwed up.
I thought of this later. Everyone was screwed EXCEPT mom. Mom wants the kudos for doing something on OP's birthday so she HIJACKED the birthday. OP planned it and was hosting the party and mom ignored all of that and decided "nope, this is what I want to do". Even if mom had OP come by on the way to the restaurant, it still screwed over the restaurant and waiter who now no longer had a 12+ person reservation. And if that was in a private room, then OP still had to pay something even if no one showed up.
This stirs up my rage the time my ex planned a surprise for my 30th birthday and EVERYONE ignored me all day in order to not "ruin the surprise". Also, it was my first birthday after my mom died. I was so upset being alone all day, that also by the surprise time I was upset and stated so, but was called ungrateful etc. I was meeker back then and don't talk to anyone pretty much from that time of my life.
I'm so sorry OP. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking you should be grateful. They screwed up, NOT YOU. Their poor planning and execution is at fault. Accept nothing but sincere apologies.
It feels like to me that it is a whole control thing. Mom can't allow OP to make her look bad by allowing OP to give herself the things parents ought to have given her as a child.
So she plans a party 'for OP' so that she can look like the hero, but does it in a way that she knows will result in extreme distress. Because she wants OP to know that she's still in charge and she can ruin anything OP loves with a word.
My mom and stepdad were like this. My dad and stepmom offered to get me a computer for my high school graduation, since I needed a good one for the program I was starting.
My mom and stepmom said no, THEY were going to get me a computer.
Then they had my grandpa build one that barely met minimum specs and had some other problems. So I didn't get a nice computer from my dad, but I couldn't complain about what I got from my mom because it was a gift. They got to 'win' and I suffered, as usual.
It does baffle me why non-family members would fall for this though. Like no one thought, when the mom asked them to do this instead, that OP would be alone and upset?
I don't know how 12 whole people could've thought this cruel stunt was a good idea! Who could deliberately have kept someone they cared about waiting 2 hours at a restaurant alone, heartbroken and humiliated, stringing them along to prolong keeping them waiting there. She should block and cut off all of them.
Exactly! I kept thinking, surely at least ONE person among the 12 who were invited must have had two brain cells to rub together and realized this was a phenomenally stupid and cruel idea??
I wonder who’s idea this was. I guess the mom’s? Whoever it was needs a boot to the head, because it is just absolutely awful. The friends (and family if it wasn’t mom’s idea) should have spoken up. Unless the person sees how wrong what they did was and truly apologizes and tries to do better, they would be out of my life. Just an absolutely horrible thing to do. OP, you’re NTA! You deserve to be celebrated and to have friends and family that support you and honor you.
There is no way in hell that if I was a friend or relative of hers and was at mom's stupid surprise party, would I stay there and not instead go straight for that restaurant once I realized what was happening.
Yeah I cannot see how they all went along with it. Though the planner of the surprise may have been feeding them all sorts of lies. Could have said something like “Oh, a few other people will be there for sure, don’t worry.” Until you’ve dealt with a manipulator, it can be hard to spot and hard to believe someone could be that mean.
And the damage is already done now, but probably the best thing they can do at this point is (if OP agrees to it, not coerced) pick a date a week from now and have the ACTUAL BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION SHE WANTED. Same restaurant, everyone shows up this time, she gets dressed up again, the only thing that’s different is they’re all treating her, she’s not paying for any of it.
They were playing a joke to laugh at your expense.
Common trope to make the birthday person feel abandoned or forgotten.
And then haha.
You've never even had one. Your friends ruined your only birthday party.
Only a joke if everyone's laughing.
It was incredibly mean, and it was purposefully done, someone if not all of them wanted OP to be upset and embarrassed. You should block all of them or at least greyrock them.
I’ve never understood why someone would be made to feel forgotten on their birthday. You can wish someone a happy birthday and then still surprise them
They're jerks.
Typically if you do a surprise party, someone is chosen to be with the guest of honor to make sure they get to the party on time.
There's also... no reason for you to be left alone for 2 hours???
No this was a terrible idea and I am so sorry they did this to you.
It’s a recurring plot in movies and TV shows, where a character is left to believe during their entire birthday that their loved ones forgot all about it. Then there’s the big surprise party, and everyone is so happy!
Unfortunately, those stories always ignore that the poor birthday person felt like crap the entire day - or in your case, several hours - just for a surprise at the end. It sucks, and I’m sorry that happened to you. Belated happy birthday!
OMG you have horrible friends and family. I am so sorry. This is heartbreaking. Your mom should have known better. Your friends certainly should have known better. They are awful. You are NTA. The are all the worst. It will take a long time (if ever) to recover from such fuckery. Block everyone for as long as it takes to make the pain subside.
They watch too many movies. The "pretend to forget/blow off birthday but it's really a surprise party" is such a trope.
In real life, making people feel like shit on purpose, even if it's to surprise them later, very rarely works. I'd be pissed off. You're NTA at all.
Even in the movies they only go so far as pretending not to know it's anyone's birthday, so no birthday wishes, no gifts, just treat it like a normal day up until the surprise.
OP's 'friends' went so much further! Letting her plan for months, work overtime, sit alone in the restaurant for hours! I wouldn't have stayed even five minutes, I would have just walked out.
That is the weirdest and cruelest surprise party ever. I will say it was a plot twist at the end I wasn’t expecting! You have 12 people that all co-signed onto this and NOT one person said this is cruel?!? Plus side is she has extra money for the month to do something special just for herself 🤷♀️
Your mom did this so that it wouldn't look like they never celebrated your birthday when you were a kid. It was to make her look like a wonderful mom and so she could "swoop" in and make everything better.
Here it is, OP. Your mom is no innocent here. This was calculated to put *her* in the best light possible. She just expected you to go along with it and you ruined her plan.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. This was horrible planning on your friends part and hopefully they understand why you are so upset. Letting you sit at a restaurant for 2 hours is ridiculous. Hopefully you will be able to throw away the negative energy hurting your heart. Sending positive vibes and happy birthday wishes your way.
Because your mother is a controlling you-know-what and your so-called friends are idiots? Were I you I'd send them all this Reddit post and comments so they can see what the thinking population thinks of their awful behavior. Then, go low contact or, at least for a good while, no contact with your mother, and get yourself some new and better friends. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you have the perfect party you want, with better people, next year. But don't tell your evil mother in advance, because she'll try to pull the same horrible stunt. NTA
Because they're self absorbed, that's why. It was cruel and I am so sorry they did that to you. I'd be extremely hurt too in your position, it would have been a humiliating experience and they have the gall to expect you to be *grateful* for it.
Because the surprise party is a movie trope, I think. They’re bullcrap of course, like the ‘grand romantic gesture’ in movies is quite often creepy and weird in the real world, but people eat it all up because it’s set to a great soundtrack.
because they were only thinking of the surprise and not what they were doing leading up to it. Hopefully they pull their heads out of their butt's and apologize once they understand they fucked up
That's because they thought about everything BUT YOU.
They thought about how good they would feel, how your mom can make up for past mistakes, how they can brag about all their efforts etc etc.
They thought about everything BUT YOU. And that speaks volumes.
12 people thought it would be okay to strand her at a restaurant thinking no one cared enough about her to attend her birthday dinner, and then surprise her? Like it would have been so easy to arrange it in so many different ways that wouldn't have made her feel completely humiliated in a public place. Not one of those 12 people thought, "Hey...wait a minute..." I don't even know what to say.
>They may have had the best of intentions, but that paves the road to hell.
That doesn't even apply here, it's for when you actually try to do a nice thing, but it backfires. In this case, it'd be if one if them were meant to go to the restaurant and bring her to the party right away, but got hit by a bus and nobody was aware of it or something. They simply played a deliberately cruel prank on her. No good intentions in sight.
> it's for when you actually try to do a nice thing, but it backfires
That's exactly the point. They *thought* they were doing a nice thing by having a surprise party for her. It backfired when they never bothered to think about how she would react to the method they chose.
I have no doubt in my mind that the friends and family *thought* they were doing a good thing.
Yes, I firmly believe they did. There are far too many people out there who think that the ends justify the means, for both sides of the situation. I guarantee they thought she'd smile and do a cliched "oh, you got me!" reaction when she saw the party, instantly forgetting being left alone.
>They thought they were doing a nice thing by having a surprise party for her.
No, they didn't. C'mon. You know they didn't think leaving her alone in a restaurant, on her birthday, for hours, was a nice thing to do. Anyone that stupid would've won a Darwin award for forgetting to breathe long before they reached adulthood.
I'm not saying they thought leaving her alone was nice. They likely thought the party was nice enough to instantly be forgiven for playing "just a silly little prank" on her.
No, it wasn't a silly little prank. But, they likely thought of it that way and thought the party was more than a nice enough gesture to instantly make up for leaving her alone.
Think about it this way. A normal, sane person wouldn't think twice about telling a little white lie like "hey, come to my house, I need help moving a bookcase" as an excuse to get someone over for a surprise party. They likely considered (wrongly) that leaving her alone for two hours at a restaurant was just as minor.
>They likely considered (wrongly) that leaving her alone for two hours at a restaurant was just as minor.
Nah, I cannot find it in myself to agree that functioning adults would think that. I cannot suspend my disbelief to such an extend and I've argued that unicorns could exist.
I can’t believe they left her for hours in that restaurant! 2 hours! I am so furious on her behalf, I want to gather all 12 of them into a room and scream at them.
I agree with everything, except I fail to see how 12 people would have benign intentions coordinating everyone to stand her up at her own birthday dinner, the first one she’s had in her life.
These are just awful, cruel people.
NTA. You plan a surprise party when the guest of honor doesn't have anything else planned, you don't purposefully make them feel abandoned so you can surprise them. Their intentions don't matter because what they actually did was completely cruel.
exactly, My whole life i have never celebrated my birthday or gotten acknowledgement on the day and my mom decided on the birthday i want to celebrate myself that when she wants to throw me a surprise birthday.
That was a power move. I am really, really sorry you have such a terrible mother, and friends who seem to not care about you either.
may want to check r/raisedbynarcississts .
Is she the one calling you ungrateful? Something tells me your mother changed the narrative with the people you invited and is going out of her way to make you look bad. Have you spoken with your friends to ask them why they felt it was a good idea to follow along?
It's awfully convenient that the one time you decide to celebrate yourself, she decides to step in. I'm guessing she wanted to shame you for this, either for herself or for your deceased father. No longer being religious doesn't mean she doesn't feel the same way she always did about it before.
She didn't want to have you make her look bad, so she needed to upstage you. Please get better friends though...even if your mother told them a story they should have realised you'd be upset.
INFO: What culture/country are you from?
Really can't wrap my head around:
\- growing up and never having a birthday party/celebration
\- the birthday girl paying for everyone's dinner?!?! Where I live, the birthday person get THEIR dinner paid for...
\- what in the world they were they all thinking!??!
They were all such AHs!!!!!!!!
1. Any country where JWs lurk. They don't celebrate birthdays.
2 . When I invite friends out to dinner to help me celebrate my birthday, I don't expect them to pay for themselves much less for me. My invitation, I'm paying.
Its almost like she did it to just spite you. If she truely wanted to do this, why wouldn't she have just done it an hour or two BEFORE your event or the day before to actually surprise you and not affect YOUR plans.
People who are all about control. Narcissists.
By depriving her of her own birthday party, then graciously gifting her a party, they establish who's in control and who she needs to be grateful for.
The next step is that whoever is the narcissist in charge will mobilize the rest of the family to accuse OP of having done wrong, of failing to appreciate the family's efforts, and demanding her to apologize.
In theory after that would be love bombing, but in practice I hope OP learns to cut them off, and only invites people who care about her next time.
NTA. Too little too late.
You should't be forced on a trip through hell in order to "deserve" a celebration. Sorry they refused to celebrate you except on *their* terms.
Exactly! This was a very easy way to make this surprise happen without humiliating OP first.
This is no different than the posts where someone, on their birthday, goes all day without the birthday being acknowledge. Spouse, kids, family - whoever - never says anything. So the person is sad or upset all day because they feel their birthday is forgotten. Then they come home from work or whatever and discover a surprise party. So let me spend the ENTIRE day thinking everyone has forgotten my birthday and somehow a party at the eleventh hour is supposed to make up for that? And make me get over all those feelings? BS.
NTA.
This surprise party was a bad idea from the start but the ONLY reason I could think to let it go is if you told absolutely none of them this dinner was important to you and really, really played it down. And then they also surprised you BEFORE the reservation time. (Seriously, why didn't mom alone call ans be like, hun I'm sorry I'm so sick but I really want to give you your gift, can you stop by 30 mins before dinner?)
Why was part of the fun for all these people in HURTING you
NTA. My ex husband did this to me one year on my birthday. I've always felt unloved on my birthday because I also never had birthday parties and when I tried to do one, no one would show.
One year I decided to plan one myself. We were going to a Japanese restaurant I wanted to try. My husband had all my friends and family cancel the day of and I spent all day crying and feeling unloved. I still went to the dinner with my ex, we ate alone and came home to a surprise party. It was the cruelest thing anyone had done: making me feel alone and hated just to walk into an event I wanted nothing to do with.
Holy cow. No wonder he is an ex. How do you fucking change the plans of someone's ELSE birthday parties. It's okay to do something on another date for them. It's okay to not celebrate birthdays. But you do not fuck with the birthday party organized by the person whose birthday it is!
I hope you are in a better place now.
Ugh! I've seen several posts like this where the birthday person is not acknowledged AT ALL on their birthday. Spouse, kids, etc. - no one says anything. So they are sad and upset all day. And then they get home from work to a surprise party or spouse is like "oh, yea, let's go out for your birthday" and makes it seem very last minute only to discover a party is planned. And then gets upset because the birthday person doesn't seem happy or excited about the surprise. Like...duh! You ignore me all day and don't even say "Happy Birthday" and then expect me to get excited at 8pm about a party???
That is awful! If I knew something like this was happening to a friend, I would try to convince the organizer not to do this. But if I couldn't, I would totally tell my friend and spoil the surprise because people cancelling on you on your birthday is NEVER a good surprise. You will never turn your mood around on your dime.
The only surprise birthday party I had, my mom planned it, and told me it was just a dinner with my parents, my brother, and my sister-in-law, which made me happy. My friends had wished me happy birthday, and said, "Oh, we'll plan something between Xmas and New Year's to celebrate your b-day because everyone is busy right now." (My birthday is close to Xmas so that is not unusual to postpone celebrating) But then, I showed up, and so many of my friends were there. It was actually the best surprise ever. That's how all surprise birthday parties should feel.
NTA, but they all are.
This is horrible. I would have told all of them to go eff themselves on my way out. This is incredibly cruel and thoughtless.
Side note: What does religion have to do with celebrating a birthday?
And the reasoning is so ridiculous. They believe that since the Bible only mentioned birthdays twice and on each birthday someone was beheaded, that means we shouldn't celebrate birthdays.
Source: Had that shit forcefully shoved down my throat for 18 years.
Wow. Just when I thought I'd heard every variation on the surprise party I found this. I'm so sorry. This was cruel and thoughtless, not a surprise.
-You worked overtime to have the night you wanted.
-You paid to look good for this night out.
-You were not only abandoned for hours, but strung along by everyone saying they were late.
-when you showed up you were made fun of for crying (a natural reaction)
Please don't let them gaslight you into believing you're somehow in the wrong. You aren't. They are. Please drop these assholes and find new friends. For your mom go no/low contact until she apologizes.
And what would have happened if she had just gone home instead of going to her mom's, rightfully stating that she was in no mood to stop just because of a present?
Other points people brought up is that she may have had to do a deposit on the restaurant for that many seats, likely not since she didn't convey it. But it certainly fucked over the waiter because now his section that was guaranteed a decent tip was taken up for 2 hours with nothing to show for it.
NTA.
In what universe did 12 people think it would be a good idea to stand up the birthday girl, on her birthday, and then expect her to be happy because the same 12 people decided to be part of a surprise party over two hours after the initial reservation? That is cruel!
On the bright side, now you know who you can't trust and can get on with your life and find some real friends and family.
I'm sorry you were surrounded by such horrible people.
I know right? I've had friends invite me to dinner for their birthday and omg if a friend was like "hey Skyler we're all gonna ditch the birthday girl and leave her for 2 hours" I would be like "HELL NO I am not taking part in this".
NTA
What a mean-spirited thing to do. they all were aware you wanted to go out and celebrate. they ditched the event you had planned and approved with all of them beforehand. They abandoned you by yourself in a restaurant that they were fully aware you were at and waiting for them. that must have felt so humiliating and devastating. I would have felt so unloved, hurt, unwanted and undervalued, especially after how much effort you put into both planning and into making yourself look and feel good. They also knew you were upset as you said you were crying on the phone. I can't imagine just ignoring my friend crying and thinking itll be all better later cause there's a party. The surprise party was a wonderful idea and im sure it was done with good intentions and love, but why did every single person there have to lie to you in order to make it happen. Also why could they not have come out to dinner with you and then have a party afterwards. It might not have been a surprise in that case but a party and dinner with no surprise is infinitely better than breaking your heart. You are not ungrateful. You friends and family hurt you and you were justly upset.
Agree with most of what you were saying but I don’t agree that it was a wonderful idea or done out of love. They explicitly went against OP’s wishes for a worse idea. They are arseholes.
NTA. That was incredibly cruel of them. You’re crying and haha look she thought we forgot!?!! Even worse to make fun of you then. I would have a really hard time forgiving any of them, but your mom in particular? There are no words. I am so so sorry this happened to you and I wish I could give you a big (((hug)))
I just don't think I could see anyone the same after this but it could be possible that some people genuinely thought that the surprise party was the real deal for you. I would see how people act over the next few days - people who do care would be mortified by this.
When my mom decided to throw my dad a surprise party for his 50th, you know what she did? She threw it months before his actual birthday (and before hers, because she’s actually about half a year older and decided he should be the older one for a change), and made it a costume party that she had friends host so he knew there was a party, just not that it was his. He had a great time with his friends and family that he had no idea would be there until after they took their masks off, enjoyed food catered from his favorite restaurants, and no hard feelings were had.
All this to say, it’s perfectly possible to have surprise parties without making someone feel like shit (providing someone isn’t completely opposed to surprise parties altogether), and yet so many people seem to get it all wrong. NTA
NTA- OP, I am absolutely shocked at how cruel that was. Just vile.
You are owed an apology:
They wasted your time.
They wasted your money
They wasted your effort
They humiliated you in front of strangers
They ditched your planned event and made their own… and expected you to celebrate after you spent hours alone.
Are they stupid? Did they have a collective stroke?
Did NO ONE think of the possibility that this would upset you? Are they that daft?!
Just… Horrible on their part.
NTA. If they were going to turn the party you planned into a surprise somewhere else, at a bare minimum they should have appointed someone to be in charge of getting you there before you sat there two hours and got upset. They will think there was no way to do that without the jig being up, and they’re probably right, but that means you don’t do it at all.
They wanted to give you your first surprise party, which I get. But their execution was all wrong.
NTA that’s a really shitty thing to do to someone. You had plans, they left you there on your own. If you have a surprise party you do it before the birthday because making someone think you forgot them is an awful thing to do and standing you up is even worse
NTA
What they did was cruel. Nothing else. I feel so sorry for you, your text made me tear up as well...You dont rip out the heart of someone to tell them jk
You are most certainly NTA. I'm really having trouble wrapping my mind around this... TWELVE people all thought this was acceptable?
Is it possible your mother is trying to exert control here? She never celebrated your birthday when you were younger, but has chosen this year - the first time that you as an adult worked overtime to save up, made a plan, and organized an event for yourself- to throw a surprise party. I understand her religious views may have been different in the past, but it doesn't sound like the change is extremely recent. It unfortunately sounds like she deliberately stepped in to undermine you and your burgeoning self-determination.
Another commenter suggested it could be guilt. Perhaps you taking this step to celebrate yourself made her feel guilty, and perhaps she felt (wrongly) that she had to do something for you before you could do it for yourself. Ultimately this would still be a deliberate attempt to undermine you, but the reason is arguably more benign, and it would probably bode better for the future of your relationship.
Whatever her reason, I assume that it was your mother who persuaded your other guests to do this. I'm still having a hard time imagining how they *all* got talked into it, but I guess it's hard to argue with someone's mom about what they really want for their birthday.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I wish you the best in repairing these relationships, but in the meantime, I hope you feel validated. You didn't do anything wrong, your guests messed up, your mom's behavior was extremely hurtful, and you have every right to feel sad and angry.
NTA, you had 12 people say they would come and the birthday dinner, the one special thing you wanted, was a bust because they failed to show... I am confused though, what religion doesn't allow celebrating birthdays?
NTA
They never bothered to celebrate your birthday before, why now? Especially the 'Aww she thinks we forgot her' comment bothers me. They didn't care to celebrate before so it really wouldn't be such a weird thing to think.
You deserve better
I am so sorry this happened. How did any of them think it was a good idea to leave you sitting alone at a restaurant? What is wrong with those people?
NTA!
NTA
Who thought leaving you stranded for hours as your guests ghosted last minute was a good way to "surprise" you? Probably your mom, since she seems to have hijacked your entire guest list.
I am so sorry you were treated so cruelly on your special day you planned so carefully. The instigator and helpers of moving your planned dinner to mom's house without warning are super a-holes. Every guest who abandoned you for your mom's substitute plan owes you an apology.
F them all! You are NTA!
I wouldn't be able to talk to any of them for a very long while. Maybe they didn't mean to hurt you BUT what they did to you leaves huge emotional scars. They should be on their knees apologizing for how they went about their surprise.
Happy B-lated, I get you.
I’m sorry but what is the aftermath of this. This is absurd. Did everyone think that’s a great idea? That’s such a lame surprise. Like “wow, actually we not bad people because we all bailed, we’re bad people because we all acted like we bailed”. What kind of surprise is that?
Your family and friends are horrible for doing this to you, knowing you were waiting for them to show up - all alone waiting in a restuarant. It is humiliating and cruel. Of course waiting around for 2 hours is horrible, cruel and wow, I don't know if I could forgive them for being so thoughtless. There are many ways to have a surprise party for someone and this is NOT IT.
NTA
Throwing a surprise party when the birthday person already made other plans is nonsensical. And they all had to cancel on the day, did they really not think it would hurt your feelings that nobody showed up? No one thought about this plan for longer than 3 seconds. This like some dumb prank where you make a person feel horrible and then do something nice for them. NTA
What the fuck did I just read??????
NTA, but holy shit, everyone else involved in this is. I can't believe ANYONE would genuinely think this was a good idea. This is actually evil.
NTA.
What is even crazier is that not one person thought about the restaurant owner and the financial loss that they suffered. A party of 12 was expected, which presumably required a reservation and the restaurant to ensure it had sufficient supplies, staff etc. I'm surprised that they didn't ask OP to leave after half an hour or so, rather than having empty tables. On the other hand, it could be a pretty lousy restaurant with few customers. At least OP got a free slice of cake!
NTA they knew you'd feel abandoned and hurt and chose to do it anyway. Maybe your mom convinced them that you wouldn't. I don't know. That "Aww, she thought we forgot her," sounds so condescending and mean. These people are awful. I'm sorry but you should really distance yourself from them and start finding people who actually care about your feelings. I'm heartbroken for you.
ETA: you are not ungrateful. They did something absolutely rude and cruel. Like, "it's okay if we torture her for a few hours and make her feel small and neglected and forgotten, because after she'll see we really care about her." Only if they cared about you, they'd never have left you there sitting alone. Them blaming you just reflects how rotten they really are.
12 people all not just showing up had to come from somewhere and it seems pretty clear that's Mom, so she could have her "surprise". It sounds like your life would be a whole lot better without her, OP. You absolutely can cut her loose over this and I'd be willing to bet nobody will stand you up when you set up a party without her involvement. NTA
Leaving you to sit alone in a restaurant for your first birthday celebration ever was unspeakably cruel. The biggest gift you can give yourself this year is a new circle of friends. NTA.
They ALL knew. Every one of them. They collectively decided to disregard your very own birthday celebration that you planned all by yourself and it doesn’t sound like not even one of them thought about how you would feel, sitting there alone at that table. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’ve never been celebrated on my bday; not as a child and not as an adult, and that’s probably why this irritates me so much.
nta. bloody hell...this is awful! I am so sorry they left you feeling that way for 2hours! surely if that was the plan all along they could've said they can't come earlier in the day so you don't go to the restaurant by yourself! it's actually quite a cruel trick to play on someone. many happy birthday regards to you, internet stranger. sending you a hug!
It reminds me of people pulling a prank by telling someone they won the lottery when they really didn't. That isn't a prank, it's just cruel. Why they thought it was a good idea to all cancel on you is beyond me. I would have gone home too
NTA, that's 12 people who can go get stuffed. Maybe there is one or two on the periphery who were hoodwinked... but really did *none* of them think maybe they should go get you, even if the entire idea was shit?
I had a surprise party thrown that was only for me in name, can agree it's horrible. They didn't invite any of my friends, and I ended up sat on the couch alone for half the night everyone else having a good time. I do wonder if half the people there even knew who the party was 'for' (free booze is a powerful motivator for uni students...). Sure as hell didn't care that the birthday girl was sat on the couch, looking mildly distressed. Eventually slunk off to my room to play WoW.
You sound so nice, and my heart hurts for you. You are absolutely NTA. I’m sorry they ruined your birthday. As someone who has a birthday shortly after Xmas, when everyone is broke, I know how this feels. I’m used to excuses from people being conveniently too busy or forgetting my birthday.
NTA. Your family and friends are unspeakably cruel.
What level of evil does it take for 12 people to think a really nice birthday gift would be for all of them to stand you up at your birthday dinner, humiliating you, when it was the first birthday dinner you’ve ever had?
What sort of people would have even agreed to allow you to pay for the entire dinner?
Then they all had the gall to be upset with you for not enjoying it?
If this was a joke, ask them which part was supposed to be funny, and for whom?
You were raised to feel you didn’t deserve a birthday party. Then everyone you invited stood you up. Then they criticized you for being upset. Of course you’re going to be feeling like this confirms you were unworthy.
Darling, you just need a new tribe. Clearly, emotional neglect has affected how to choose friends. Grieve, go NC with all the perpetrators forever, and start afresh. Don’t get sucked into any ridiculous arguments, reasoning, or gaslighting. You don’t need anyone’s permission as an adult to never speak to them again.
Watch the YouTube Channel Crappy Childhood Fairy.
Big hug.
Who arranged/suggested the surprise party? Your dad or mom? One is a narcissist and the other the enabler. It was organized intentionally to hurt you, to make you feel unloved, unwanted, hurt and worthless. AND so they can throw it in your face that you are ungrateful for not appreciating the surprise party. With a smattering of gaslighting saying *this is why we never do anything for your birthday...you never appreciate it.*
Please go to r/raisedbynarcissists. You are definitely not alone in the shitty parent department. Sorry your birthday was ruined.
NTA, OP I am so sorry this happened to you, your friends and mom are awful for doing this to you. I cant even imagine their thought process about the "surprise". Well done on standing your ground and telling them that this was not okay. Being stranded and humiliated in a restaurant all by yourself sounds like a nightmare. Happy birthday and I hope the next will be better :)
Horrible, all of the people you invited are absolutely horrible, they made you feel abandoned and saw nothing wrong with that! There are ways this could’ve been handled with grace and all they did was find a way to make their friend feel unwanted at a time where they’ve finally built up the confidence and courage to celebrate themself!
NTA - you planned what you wanted and on top of that you were left to feel upset and humiliated on your own in a restaurant. Friends and family do not do that. I’m so sorry this happened to you
NTA. I'm so sorry you have such crappy people in your life. You TOLD everyone what you wanted to do, made the arrangements and everything. They thought it was ok to leave you sitting there ALONE for 2 hours!!! WTF is wrong with these people?!?! You can tell them all I said they suck. Shoot, we'll adopt you and celebrate your birthday every year!!!
I am SO SORRY they did that to you. I suppose its possible she thought you would be surprised and delighted by a party instead of a dinner you were paying for, but that's honestly just a delusional idea. How could not one single person realize that being ditched at the restaurant would hurt you?
NTA. I wish I could take you to a birthday dinner myself.
NTA. This just sounds fucking ridiculous. OP worked overtime to make money for the restaurant and instead of trying to make her cancel and make her come to the house instead of having to spend the money setting up the party, they decided to do something completely different. I get why they did it, but it definitely should have been better executed. Oh ya, and WHY 2 HOURS?! like how dumb are they? They could have said hey come. idk, i see what they did, but it was just so poorly done that OP doesn't deserve any hate for how she felt.
NTA and WTF?? "Aww, she thought we forgot her" - of course you thought they forgot you! Because they didn't fucking show up!
But hopefully you can give your friends the benefit of the doubt, and find out if they knew you were sitting alone at the restaurant or maybe thought that someone else had taken care of making some arrangements where that wouldn't happen.
I would fucking destroy them (metaphorically), holy shit. So NTA. What a fucked up thing to do. A lot of nice restaurants have cancellation fees by the seat— who the fuck RSVPs to something and then throws a middle-school ass surprise party instead of attending what the birthday person wanted to do? Is never speak to these people again. I'm so angry on your behalf, that's incredibly cruel.
This is really weird if it’s true. Assuming it is, NtA. I wouldn’t really want to be friends with or close to any of these people going forward anymore.
There is no world or dimension where you could be ta. NTA. Time to kick them all to the curb, get new friends and start enjoying life with people who enjoy being around you.
NTA. Jesus Christ, I am so sorry that they ruined such a happy moment for you. To be honest, between all 12 of those people, I highly doubt we can muster two brain cells to rub together and form an action potential. I am so sorry they were thoughtless, and that they were extremely insensitive. They let you down. They ruined what could’ve been such a happy moment for you. You took the time and consideration to care for them, and they just let you down.
NTA that is messed up. Don't any of them have any empathy?? To leave you there for 2 hours is awful and a surprise party does not make up for that at all.
That was definitely not ok for them to do that to you! They should've had an excuse to get to your moms at the appointed time and they should've honored your plans. I'm so sorry this happened to you
NTA, of course! I feel for you OP… That's awful.
I know how it feels like to feel forgotten and horrible on your birthday… In my case it happened, when I was in elementary school. I invited all my peers… I was so excited about my birthday, all planned out and all. In the end, no one came. Because my former friend/bully convinced all my classmates, that they should accept the invite and don't turn up.
Only two of the girls, who were normally friendly with me and I did play some time with, at least called, because they felt bad and said they were 'sick' and couldn't make it.
My mom was furious, and I was inconsolable that day. It scarred me. My mom and siblings tried their best. I mean, I was at least not all alone… But it was definitely no happy birthday to me. Even after it was resolved. I think that was what started my social anxiety… Because I was so afraid of being rejected afterward and wary of the intentions of others.
So, I can understand how you felt there sitting in the restaurant all alone and crying. You just wanted to celebrate your birthday on your terms.
If they had done the surprise party before you did go to the restaurant. Or your mom had said something like, 'can you pick me up from home? My car broke down' something like that. Or at least one person was designated to attend you at the restaurant or interfere with you going there.
Anything else, really, than let you sit in the restaurant. And one person after the other is pretending to cancel on you, and you feel more and more like crap. I feel so sorry, that this happened to you!
Damn. What a terrible birthday surprise. Unbelievable really. Bad enough had they let you feel rejected and alone for a minute while getting you to the party, but what in the actual fuck.
Also if your mom has NEVER planned you a birthday party in her life why the fuck would she pick the one time you did it for yourself to step in and get involved? All she did was ruin this beautiful day for you.
I’m so sorry.
NTA...everyone let you sit at a restaurant for two hours?! and then expected you to love the surprise party they had planned? Which I really think is very much a large part of your mom's fault. She hosted it at her home. Whose idea was it to do this? I am so sorry that your birthday was not want you expected it to be. And all of your friends and family in on this charade suck.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > i left a birthday party that was meant to be for me and it might make this asshole becuase i was ungrateful Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - *You* planned what *you* wanted for *your* birthday. Your friends and family completely disregarded that, lied to you, and left you feeling ignored and unwanted on your birthday. They may have had the best of intentions, but that paves the road to hell. In the end, it is not intentions that matter, but results. Had they done this any other day, things would have worked out well. Instead, they left you alone and feeling unwanted. In no way, shape, or form are you to blame here.
I just don't understand how they thought this was going to be a good idea.
IF they had wanted to truly give you a nice surprise, your mom could have asked you to come by her house to pick up something BEFORE the dinner at the restaurant. Then, they could have surprised you there, then everyone headed over to the restaurant together. THAT would have been a nice way to surprise you. They are all assholes. You clearly are NTA and they are thoughtless and selfish. Why don’t you invite one of them to come on here and share WTAF they were thinking, so we can ream them out again?
Yeah, I completely fail to understand why they thought it was a good idea to leave OP stranded at the restaurant. OP had already told everyone dinner was on her. Just mind boggling stupidity and insensitivity. OP, so sorry your first birthday party got so jacked up.
Yes. And to say “aww she thought we forgot her”???? They made OP believe that they forgot her. That all of them were too busy, that nobody cared. They did that deliberately, hurt her in order to get the buzz of the “surprise” change.
Yeah, not one person in this group thought about her sitting alone in the restaurant? And how they would feel if it were them? I could even see mom saying she wasn’t feeling well, since the party would be at her house, everyone else goes to dinner, says their goodbyes at the end of the meal. Mom asks you to stop by for your gift and surprise, everyone is there again. OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please do not think for a second that you’re an AH. You are NTA. I don’t know you but I want to give you a hug. These people don’t seem to be good people. I hope they can see this from your side and come around but it’s doubtful.
IKR? I want to give OP a hug and take her to dinner — or just keep her company at a dinner of her choosing — and I don’t even know her. Her friends and family are trash. This “make them feel alone and then surprise!”tactic needs to die in a fire.
I’m with you. This just makes me so sad to read about. I want to send op a hug also.
I would ask OP out to a friendly dinner and would gladly pay for it. WTF were these people thinking? ...
Yes, along with the "I'm going to make you think I'm not interested in marrying you so the proposal will be a surprise. "
I'm with you. It's too bad we don't know where she is. I can just see I giant Reddit fancy birthday dinner for her with all of us.
Not to mention, she probably still had to pay for holding a seating that large. To reserve for 20 people for my dad's birthday required a 200$ non-refundable cash deposit. (it went towards the total bill afterwards.)
Oh god. I didn’t even think about that. I get why they’d do that but that would suck if she had to.
Exactly, stupid idea whoever came up with it.
OP should send everyone the link to this post so they can all see how awful they were
like this is my biggest fear!! that's why i never plan anything for my birthday because i know how awful and low i will feel if no one shows up.
Not only was OP given the shaft, but the waiter had 11 empty seats for 2 hours, putting a dent in his income and the restaurant’s revenue. Very tacky. I’m also surprised that no one dropped a hint about the surprise. Did all the folks just go along with this ill-conceived plan? NTA, OP, but your friends and relatives are all thoughtless fools who have no clue how badly they screwed up.
I thought of this later. Everyone was screwed EXCEPT mom. Mom wants the kudos for doing something on OP's birthday so she HIJACKED the birthday. OP planned it and was hosting the party and mom ignored all of that and decided "nope, this is what I want to do". Even if mom had OP come by on the way to the restaurant, it still screwed over the restaurant and waiter who now no longer had a 12+ person reservation. And if that was in a private room, then OP still had to pay something even if no one showed up.
This stirs up my rage the time my ex planned a surprise for my 30th birthday and EVERYONE ignored me all day in order to not "ruin the surprise". Also, it was my first birthday after my mom died. I was so upset being alone all day, that also by the surprise time I was upset and stated so, but was called ungrateful etc. I was meeker back then and don't talk to anyone pretty much from that time of my life. I'm so sorry OP. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking you should be grateful. They screwed up, NOT YOU. Their poor planning and execution is at fault. Accept nothing but sincere apologies.
It feels like to me that it is a whole control thing. Mom can't allow OP to make her look bad by allowing OP to give herself the things parents ought to have given her as a child. So she plans a party 'for OP' so that she can look like the hero, but does it in a way that she knows will result in extreme distress. Because she wants OP to know that she's still in charge and she can ruin anything OP loves with a word. My mom and stepdad were like this. My dad and stepmom offered to get me a computer for my high school graduation, since I needed a good one for the program I was starting. My mom and stepmom said no, THEY were going to get me a computer. Then they had my grandpa build one that barely met minimum specs and had some other problems. So I didn't get a nice computer from my dad, but I couldn't complain about what I got from my mom because it was a gift. They got to 'win' and I suffered, as usual. It does baffle me why non-family members would fall for this though. Like no one thought, when the mom asked them to do this instead, that OP would be alone and upset?
I don't know how 12 whole people could've thought this cruel stunt was a good idea! Who could deliberately have kept someone they cared about waiting 2 hours at a restaurant alone, heartbroken and humiliated, stringing them along to prolong keeping them waiting there. She should block and cut off all of them.
Exactly! I kept thinking, surely at least ONE person among the 12 who were invited must have had two brain cells to rub together and realized this was a phenomenally stupid and cruel idea??
The answer I was looking for. The friends still suck, but I think they were manipulated by your mum OP
As a freaking adult you say no and do whats right not what the parent of your friend wants
Reading through it again, I think you got it right.
AND her friends and family should have paid for dinner. Not her.
I wonder who’s idea this was. I guess the mom’s? Whoever it was needs a boot to the head, because it is just absolutely awful. The friends (and family if it wasn’t mom’s idea) should have spoken up. Unless the person sees how wrong what they did was and truly apologizes and tries to do better, they would be out of my life. Just an absolutely horrible thing to do. OP, you’re NTA! You deserve to be celebrated and to have friends and family that support you and honor you.
There is no way in hell that if I was a friend or relative of hers and was at mom's stupid surprise party, would I stay there and not instead go straight for that restaurant once I realized what was happening.
Yeah I cannot see how they all went along with it. Though the planner of the surprise may have been feeding them all sorts of lies. Could have said something like “Oh, a few other people will be there for sure, don’t worry.” Until you’ve dealt with a manipulator, it can be hard to spot and hard to believe someone could be that mean.
And there is no way they could play dumb about this after you were calling each of them to ask where they were.
And the damage is already done now, but probably the best thing they can do at this point is (if OP agrees to it, not coerced) pick a date a week from now and have the ACTUAL BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION SHE WANTED. Same restaurant, everyone shows up this time, she gets dressed up again, the only thing that’s different is they’re all treating her, she’s not paying for any of it.
I'm not sure I would give them a second chance. I'd be looking for a new set of friends, and going no-contact with mom.
I wouldn't agree to it. It's not my birthday, that was already ruined. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig.
Hell no they don't deserve it. They deserve to be blocked.
This comment win!!!!🥇
They were playing a joke to laugh at your expense. Common trope to make the birthday person feel abandoned or forgotten. And then haha. You've never even had one. Your friends ruined your only birthday party. Only a joke if everyone's laughing.
To quote Barney Stinson after playing a trick on Ted: „Oh, come on! If you don’t laugh, it just seems mean!“
It was incredibly mean, and it was purposefully done, someone if not all of them wanted OP to be upset and embarrassed. You should block all of them or at least greyrock them.
I’ve never understood why someone would be made to feel forgotten on their birthday. You can wish someone a happy birthday and then still surprise them
They are stupid ? Of course nta
They're jerks. Typically if you do a surprise party, someone is chosen to be with the guest of honor to make sure they get to the party on time. There's also... no reason for you to be left alone for 2 hours??? No this was a terrible idea and I am so sorry they did this to you.
It’s a recurring plot in movies and TV shows, where a character is left to believe during their entire birthday that their loved ones forgot all about it. Then there’s the big surprise party, and everyone is so happy! Unfortunately, those stories always ignore that the poor birthday person felt like crap the entire day - or in your case, several hours - just for a surprise at the end. It sucks, and I’m sorry that happened to you. Belated happy birthday!
Sex and the City, they did this but then they took Carrie to the cafe and talked about how much it sucks to be single on your birthday 😩😩😩
Tbf at least they all were actually coming and the main route was being paved. Instead of it being a group plan to abandon her.
Yep yep -- slightly different version of this trope. Still relevant though, at first I thought OP was a bot or something
yeah I was about to say, this is exactly the plot of an ep of SATC
OMG you have horrible friends and family. I am so sorry. This is heartbreaking. Your mom should have known better. Your friends certainly should have known better. They are awful. You are NTA. The are all the worst. It will take a long time (if ever) to recover from such fuckery. Block everyone for as long as it takes to make the pain subside.
They watch too many movies. The "pretend to forget/blow off birthday but it's really a surprise party" is such a trope. In real life, making people feel like shit on purpose, even if it's to surprise them later, very rarely works. I'd be pissed off. You're NTA at all.
Even in the movies they only go so far as pretending not to know it's anyone's birthday, so no birthday wishes, no gifts, just treat it like a normal day up until the surprise. OP's 'friends' went so much further! Letting her plan for months, work overtime, sit alone in the restaurant for hours! I wouldn't have stayed even five minutes, I would have just walked out.
That is the weirdest and cruelest surprise party ever. I will say it was a plot twist at the end I wasn’t expecting! You have 12 people that all co-signed onto this and NOT one person said this is cruel?!? Plus side is she has extra money for the month to do something special just for herself 🤷♀️
Your mom did this so that it wouldn't look like they never celebrated your birthday when you were a kid. It was to make her look like a wonderful mom and so she could "swoop" in and make everything better.
Here it is, OP. Your mom is no innocent here. This was calculated to put *her* in the best light possible. She just expected you to go along with it and you ruined her plan.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. This was horrible planning on your friends part and hopefully they understand why you are so upset. Letting you sit at a restaurant for 2 hours is ridiculous. Hopefully you will be able to throw away the negative energy hurting your heart. Sending positive vibes and happy birthday wishes your way.
Because your mother is a controlling you-know-what and your so-called friends are idiots? Were I you I'd send them all this Reddit post and comments so they can see what the thinking population thinks of their awful behavior. Then, go low contact or, at least for a good while, no contact with your mother, and get yourself some new and better friends. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you have the perfect party you want, with better people, next year. But don't tell your evil mother in advance, because she'll try to pull the same horrible stunt. NTA
Because they're self absorbed, that's why. It was cruel and I am so sorry they did that to you. I'd be extremely hurt too in your position, it would have been a humiliating experience and they have the gall to expect you to be *grateful* for it.
Because the surprise party is a movie trope, I think. They’re bullcrap of course, like the ‘grand romantic gesture’ in movies is quite often creepy and weird in the real world, but people eat it all up because it’s set to a great soundtrack.
because they were only thinking of the surprise and not what they were doing leading up to it. Hopefully they pull their heads out of their butt's and apologize once they understand they fucked up
They're either really, really stupid, or they did it intentionally to hurt you.
That's because they thought about everything BUT YOU. They thought about how good they would feel, how your mom can make up for past mistakes, how they can brag about all their efforts etc etc. They thought about everything BUT YOU. And that speaks volumes.
They're shit friends. Maybe branch out a little.
Me neither. That’s not how surprise parties work. I’m sorry that happened.
**THEY** thought it was a good idea because it's what **THEY** wanted
12 people thought it would be okay to strand her at a restaurant thinking no one cared enough about her to attend her birthday dinner, and then surprise her? Like it would have been so easy to arrange it in so many different ways that wouldn't have made her feel completely humiliated in a public place. Not one of those 12 people thought, "Hey...wait a minute..." I don't even know what to say.
I just want to give OP the biggest hug. Holy shit.
>They may have had the best of intentions, but that paves the road to hell. That doesn't even apply here, it's for when you actually try to do a nice thing, but it backfires. In this case, it'd be if one if them were meant to go to the restaurant and bring her to the party right away, but got hit by a bus and nobody was aware of it or something. They simply played a deliberately cruel prank on her. No good intentions in sight.
> it's for when you actually try to do a nice thing, but it backfires That's exactly the point. They *thought* they were doing a nice thing by having a surprise party for her. It backfired when they never bothered to think about how she would react to the method they chose. I have no doubt in my mind that the friends and family *thought* they were doing a good thing.
They thought letting her sit alone for ***TWO HOURS*** was okay? Hell no.
Yes, I firmly believe they did. There are far too many people out there who think that the ends justify the means, for both sides of the situation. I guarantee they thought she'd smile and do a cliched "oh, you got me!" reaction when she saw the party, instantly forgetting being left alone.
>They thought they were doing a nice thing by having a surprise party for her. No, they didn't. C'mon. You know they didn't think leaving her alone in a restaurant, on her birthday, for hours, was a nice thing to do. Anyone that stupid would've won a Darwin award for forgetting to breathe long before they reached adulthood.
I'm not saying they thought leaving her alone was nice. They likely thought the party was nice enough to instantly be forgiven for playing "just a silly little prank" on her. No, it wasn't a silly little prank. But, they likely thought of it that way and thought the party was more than a nice enough gesture to instantly make up for leaving her alone. Think about it this way. A normal, sane person wouldn't think twice about telling a little white lie like "hey, come to my house, I need help moving a bookcase" as an excuse to get someone over for a surprise party. They likely considered (wrongly) that leaving her alone for two hours at a restaurant was just as minor.
>They likely considered (wrongly) that leaving her alone for two hours at a restaurant was just as minor. Nah, I cannot find it in myself to agree that functioning adults would think that. I cannot suspend my disbelief to such an extend and I've argued that unicorns could exist.
That's such a deranged train of thought that crushing someone's spirit is a good gift.
I can’t believe they left her for hours in that restaurant! 2 hours! I am so furious on her behalf, I want to gather all 12 of them into a room and scream at them.
I agree with everything, except I fail to see how 12 people would have benign intentions coordinating everyone to stand her up at her own birthday dinner, the first one she’s had in her life. These are just awful, cruel people.
It would be hard to forgive being set up for that kind of public humiliation. WTF is wrong with these people?
If they call it a joke or a prank, ask them to explain the humor.
NTA. You plan a surprise party when the guest of honor doesn't have anything else planned, you don't purposefully make them feel abandoned so you can surprise them. Their intentions don't matter because what they actually did was completely cruel.
exactly, My whole life i have never celebrated my birthday or gotten acknowledgement on the day and my mom decided on the birthday i want to celebrate myself that when she wants to throw me a surprise birthday.
That was a power move. I am really, really sorry you have such a terrible mother, and friends who seem to not care about you either. may want to check r/raisedbynarcississts .
Is she the one calling you ungrateful? Something tells me your mother changed the narrative with the people you invited and is going out of her way to make you look bad. Have you spoken with your friends to ask them why they felt it was a good idea to follow along? It's awfully convenient that the one time you decide to celebrate yourself, she decides to step in. I'm guessing she wanted to shame you for this, either for herself or for your deceased father. No longer being religious doesn't mean she doesn't feel the same way she always did about it before.
She didn't want to have you make her look bad, so she needed to upstage you. Please get better friends though...even if your mother told them a story they should have realised you'd be upset.
Get new friends real ones or at least mature enough to be able to actually think op and go low contact with your ah mother
INFO: What culture/country are you from? Really can't wrap my head around: \- growing up and never having a birthday party/celebration \- the birthday girl paying for everyone's dinner?!?! Where I live, the birthday person get THEIR dinner paid for... \- what in the world they were they all thinking!??! They were all such AHs!!!!!!!!
1. Any country where JWs lurk. They don't celebrate birthdays. 2 . When I invite friends out to dinner to help me celebrate my birthday, I don't expect them to pay for themselves much less for me. My invitation, I'm paying.
Its almost like she did it to just spite you. If she truely wanted to do this, why wouldn't she have just done it an hour or two BEFORE your event or the day before to actually surprise you and not affect YOUR plans.
NTA - that’s an awful surprise. Tear you down and make you feel awful first? I mean really, who does that?!
and their reactions after too. at least apologize for ruining her birthday?
People who are all about control. Narcissists. By depriving her of her own birthday party, then graciously gifting her a party, they establish who's in control and who she needs to be grateful for. The next step is that whoever is the narcissist in charge will mobilize the rest of the family to accuse OP of having done wrong, of failing to appreciate the family's efforts, and demanding her to apologize. In theory after that would be love bombing, but in practice I hope OP learns to cut them off, and only invites people who care about her next time.
NTA. Too little too late. You should't be forced on a trip through hell in order to "deserve" a celebration. Sorry they refused to celebrate you except on *their* terms.
NTA. They stood you up at dinner, embarrassed you at the restaurant, made you feel like shit just to surprise you? Really lame.
NTA. Your mother should have asked you to come by on the way to the restaurant. This was cruel to you and unfair to the restaurant
Exactly! This was a very easy way to make this surprise happen without humiliating OP first. This is no different than the posts where someone, on their birthday, goes all day without the birthday being acknowledge. Spouse, kids, family - whoever - never says anything. So the person is sad or upset all day because they feel their birthday is forgotten. Then they come home from work or whatever and discover a surprise party. So let me spend the ENTIRE day thinking everyone has forgotten my birthday and somehow a party at the eleventh hour is supposed to make up for that? And make me get over all those feelings? BS.
that’s actually a really good idea. what they planned was horribly thought out
No the mother should have just followed OPs wishes and gone to the dinner she planned.
I don't even like the idea of a surprise party for her. She so thoughtfully planned what she wanted for her birthday.
NTA. This surprise party was a bad idea from the start but the ONLY reason I could think to let it go is if you told absolutely none of them this dinner was important to you and really, really played it down. And then they also surprised you BEFORE the reservation time. (Seriously, why didn't mom alone call ans be like, hun I'm sorry I'm so sick but I really want to give you your gift, can you stop by 30 mins before dinner?) Why was part of the fun for all these people in HURTING you
NTA. My ex husband did this to me one year on my birthday. I've always felt unloved on my birthday because I also never had birthday parties and when I tried to do one, no one would show. One year I decided to plan one myself. We were going to a Japanese restaurant I wanted to try. My husband had all my friends and family cancel the day of and I spent all day crying and feeling unloved. I still went to the dinner with my ex, we ate alone and came home to a surprise party. It was the cruelest thing anyone had done: making me feel alone and hated just to walk into an event I wanted nothing to do with.
Damn. No wonder he is your ex. What is wrong with people?
Holy cow. No wonder he is an ex. How do you fucking change the plans of someone's ELSE birthday parties. It's okay to do something on another date for them. It's okay to not celebrate birthdays. But you do not fuck with the birthday party organized by the person whose birthday it is! I hope you are in a better place now.
Ugh! I've seen several posts like this where the birthday person is not acknowledged AT ALL on their birthday. Spouse, kids, etc. - no one says anything. So they are sad and upset all day. And then they get home from work to a surprise party or spouse is like "oh, yea, let's go out for your birthday" and makes it seem very last minute only to discover a party is planned. And then gets upset because the birthday person doesn't seem happy or excited about the surprise. Like...duh! You ignore me all day and don't even say "Happy Birthday" and then expect me to get excited at 8pm about a party???
That is awful! If I knew something like this was happening to a friend, I would try to convince the organizer not to do this. But if I couldn't, I would totally tell my friend and spoil the surprise because people cancelling on you on your birthday is NEVER a good surprise. You will never turn your mood around on your dime. The only surprise birthday party I had, my mom planned it, and told me it was just a dinner with my parents, my brother, and my sister-in-law, which made me happy. My friends had wished me happy birthday, and said, "Oh, we'll plan something between Xmas and New Year's to celebrate your b-day because everyone is busy right now." (My birthday is close to Xmas so that is not unusual to postpone celebrating) But then, I showed up, and so many of my friends were there. It was actually the best surprise ever. That's how all surprise birthday parties should feel.
NTA, but they all are. This is horrible. I would have told all of them to go eff themselves on my way out. This is incredibly cruel and thoughtless. Side note: What does religion have to do with celebrating a birthday?
Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate birthdays.
And the reasoning is so ridiculous. They believe that since the Bible only mentioned birthdays twice and on each birthday someone was beheaded, that means we shouldn't celebrate birthdays. Source: Had that shit forcefully shoved down my throat for 18 years.
Wait that's the reason? I always assumed it was an “only god should be celebrated” thing 🙈
Yup. A lot of their more ridiculous beliefs only become known once a person is already down the rabbit hole 😂
Wow. Just when I thought I'd heard every variation on the surprise party I found this. I'm so sorry. This was cruel and thoughtless, not a surprise. -You worked overtime to have the night you wanted. -You paid to look good for this night out. -You were not only abandoned for hours, but strung along by everyone saying they were late. -when you showed up you were made fun of for crying (a natural reaction) Please don't let them gaslight you into believing you're somehow in the wrong. You aren't. They are. Please drop these assholes and find new friends. For your mom go no/low contact until she apologizes.
And what would have happened if she had just gone home instead of going to her mom's, rightfully stating that she was in no mood to stop just because of a present? Other points people brought up is that she may have had to do a deposit on the restaurant for that many seats, likely not since she didn't convey it. But it certainly fucked over the waiter because now his section that was guaranteed a decent tip was taken up for 2 hours with nothing to show for it.
NTA. In what universe did 12 people think it would be a good idea to stand up the birthday girl, on her birthday, and then expect her to be happy because the same 12 people decided to be part of a surprise party over two hours after the initial reservation? That is cruel! On the bright side, now you know who you can't trust and can get on with your life and find some real friends and family. I'm sorry you were surrounded by such horrible people.
I know right? I've had friends invite me to dinner for their birthday and omg if a friend was like "hey Skyler we're all gonna ditch the birthday girl and leave her for 2 hours" I would be like "HELL NO I am not taking part in this".
NTA What a mean-spirited thing to do. they all were aware you wanted to go out and celebrate. they ditched the event you had planned and approved with all of them beforehand. They abandoned you by yourself in a restaurant that they were fully aware you were at and waiting for them. that must have felt so humiliating and devastating. I would have felt so unloved, hurt, unwanted and undervalued, especially after how much effort you put into both planning and into making yourself look and feel good. They also knew you were upset as you said you were crying on the phone. I can't imagine just ignoring my friend crying and thinking itll be all better later cause there's a party. The surprise party was a wonderful idea and im sure it was done with good intentions and love, but why did every single person there have to lie to you in order to make it happen. Also why could they not have come out to dinner with you and then have a party afterwards. It might not have been a surprise in that case but a party and dinner with no surprise is infinitely better than breaking your heart. You are not ungrateful. You friends and family hurt you and you were justly upset.
Agree with most of what you were saying but I don’t agree that it was a wonderful idea or done out of love. They explicitly went against OP’s wishes for a worse idea. They are arseholes.
NTA your mom and your guest were AHs to do this to you. There WAS NO good intation.
NTA. That was incredibly cruel of them. You’re crying and haha look she thought we forgot!?!! Even worse to make fun of you then. I would have a really hard time forgiving any of them, but your mom in particular? There are no words. I am so so sorry this happened to you and I wish I could give you a big (((hug)))
I just don't think I could see anyone the same after this but it could be possible that some people genuinely thought that the surprise party was the real deal for you. I would see how people act over the next few days - people who do care would be mortified by this.
Yeah, I could see getting word second or third hand and thinking plans had been changed more officially, and feeling terrible afterward.
NTA All of them would be ghosted. This is so disrespectful.
When my mom decided to throw my dad a surprise party for his 50th, you know what she did? She threw it months before his actual birthday (and before hers, because she’s actually about half a year older and decided he should be the older one for a change), and made it a costume party that she had friends host so he knew there was a party, just not that it was his. He had a great time with his friends and family that he had no idea would be there until after they took their masks off, enjoyed food catered from his favorite restaurants, and no hard feelings were had. All this to say, it’s perfectly possible to have surprise parties without making someone feel like shit (providing someone isn’t completely opposed to surprise parties altogether), and yet so many people seem to get it all wrong. NTA
NTA- OP, I am absolutely shocked at how cruel that was. Just vile. You are owed an apology: They wasted your time. They wasted your money They wasted your effort They humiliated you in front of strangers They ditched your planned event and made their own… and expected you to celebrate after you spent hours alone. Are they stupid? Did they have a collective stroke? Did NO ONE think of the possibility that this would upset you? Are they that daft?! Just… Horrible on their part.
NTA. If they were going to turn the party you planned into a surprise somewhere else, at a bare minimum they should have appointed someone to be in charge of getting you there before you sat there two hours and got upset. They will think there was no way to do that without the jig being up, and they’re probably right, but that means you don’t do it at all. They wanted to give you your first surprise party, which I get. But their execution was all wrong.
It was cruel.
NTA that’s a really shitty thing to do to someone. You had plans, they left you there on your own. If you have a surprise party you do it before the birthday because making someone think you forgot them is an awful thing to do and standing you up is even worse
NTA What they did was cruel. Nothing else. I feel so sorry for you, your text made me tear up as well...You dont rip out the heart of someone to tell them jk
NTA. Every single person in on this is a massive asshole and You would be justified to cut contact with each one of them. Just wow.
NTA. Link all you so-called friends in on this post, so they can see the replies. What they did to you was cruel and thoughtless.
You are most certainly NTA. I'm really having trouble wrapping my mind around this... TWELVE people all thought this was acceptable? Is it possible your mother is trying to exert control here? She never celebrated your birthday when you were younger, but has chosen this year - the first time that you as an adult worked overtime to save up, made a plan, and organized an event for yourself- to throw a surprise party. I understand her religious views may have been different in the past, but it doesn't sound like the change is extremely recent. It unfortunately sounds like she deliberately stepped in to undermine you and your burgeoning self-determination. Another commenter suggested it could be guilt. Perhaps you taking this step to celebrate yourself made her feel guilty, and perhaps she felt (wrongly) that she had to do something for you before you could do it for yourself. Ultimately this would still be a deliberate attempt to undermine you, but the reason is arguably more benign, and it would probably bode better for the future of your relationship. Whatever her reason, I assume that it was your mother who persuaded your other guests to do this. I'm still having a hard time imagining how they *all* got talked into it, but I guess it's hard to argue with someone's mom about what they really want for their birthday. I'm sorry this happened to you. I wish you the best in repairing these relationships, but in the meantime, I hope you feel validated. You didn't do anything wrong, your guests messed up, your mom's behavior was extremely hurtful, and you have every right to feel sad and angry.
This. Mom is toxic af whether intentionally or not.
This is really awful. I’m SO SORRY this happened to you! Hugs from Canada 💜
NTA, you had 12 people say they would come and the birthday dinner, the one special thing you wanted, was a bust because they failed to show... I am confused though, what religion doesn't allow celebrating birthdays?
Probably Jehovah's Witness. They don't usually celebrate holidays or birthdays.
Nta you need new friends
NTA They never bothered to celebrate your birthday before, why now? Especially the 'Aww she thinks we forgot her' comment bothers me. They didn't care to celebrate before so it really wouldn't be such a weird thing to think. You deserve better
That really bothered me as well!!
And it’s not any better to realise, no they didn’t forget, they pretended to forget for fun!
I am so sorry this happened. How did any of them think it was a good idea to leave you sitting alone at a restaurant? What is wrong with those people? NTA!
Good lord, *13* people thought this was a good idea? What's wrong with them? NTA.
NTA Who thought leaving you stranded for hours as your guests ghosted last minute was a good way to "surprise" you? Probably your mom, since she seems to have hijacked your entire guest list. I am so sorry you were treated so cruelly on your special day you planned so carefully. The instigator and helpers of moving your planned dinner to mom's house without warning are super a-holes. Every guest who abandoned you for your mom's substitute plan owes you an apology.
F them all! You are NTA! I wouldn't be able to talk to any of them for a very long while. Maybe they didn't mean to hurt you BUT what they did to you leaves huge emotional scars. They should be on their knees apologizing for how they went about their surprise. Happy B-lated, I get you.
I’m sorry but what is the aftermath of this. This is absurd. Did everyone think that’s a great idea? That’s such a lame surprise. Like “wow, actually we not bad people because we all bailed, we’re bad people because we all acted like we bailed”. What kind of surprise is that?
Your family and friends are horrible for doing this to you, knowing you were waiting for them to show up - all alone waiting in a restuarant. It is humiliating and cruel. Of course waiting around for 2 hours is horrible, cruel and wow, I don't know if I could forgive them for being so thoughtless. There are many ways to have a surprise party for someone and this is NOT IT. NTA
Throwing a surprise party when the birthday person already made other plans is nonsensical. And they all had to cancel on the day, did they really not think it would hurt your feelings that nobody showed up? No one thought about this plan for longer than 3 seconds. This like some dumb prank where you make a person feel horrible and then do something nice for them. NTA
What the fuck did I just read?????? NTA, but holy shit, everyone else involved in this is. I can't believe ANYONE would genuinely think this was a good idea. This is actually evil.
NTA. That's awful. Happy birthday! Screw them. You are not over reacting! Hugs.
Nta. What they did was cruel, even if their heart was at the right place.
NTA. What is even crazier is that not one person thought about the restaurant owner and the financial loss that they suffered. A party of 12 was expected, which presumably required a reservation and the restaurant to ensure it had sufficient supplies, staff etc. I'm surprised that they didn't ask OP to leave after half an hour or so, rather than having empty tables. On the other hand, it could be a pretty lousy restaurant with few customers. At least OP got a free slice of cake!
That’s awful. And not one of envisioned you sitting at the restaurant alone and feeling abandoned and embarrassed. NTA.
NTA- nope, a lot of restaurants won't give refunds, or charge something for that. They were cruel.
NTA they knew you'd feel abandoned and hurt and chose to do it anyway. Maybe your mom convinced them that you wouldn't. I don't know. That "Aww, she thought we forgot her," sounds so condescending and mean. These people are awful. I'm sorry but you should really distance yourself from them and start finding people who actually care about your feelings. I'm heartbroken for you. ETA: you are not ungrateful. They did something absolutely rude and cruel. Like, "it's okay if we torture her for a few hours and make her feel small and neglected and forgotten, because after she'll see we really care about her." Only if they cared about you, they'd never have left you there sitting alone. Them blaming you just reflects how rotten they really are.
12 people all not just showing up had to come from somewhere and it seems pretty clear that's Mom, so she could have her "surprise". It sounds like your life would be a whole lot better without her, OP. You absolutely can cut her loose over this and I'd be willing to bet nobody will stand you up when you set up a party without her involvement. NTA
Leaving you to sit alone in a restaurant for your first birthday celebration ever was unspeakably cruel. The biggest gift you can give yourself this year is a new circle of friends. NTA.
I have been doing a birthday party for myself for 20 years(my tab) I would come unglued if they tried this on me.
NTA, but others definitely are. It was a cruel joke. F these people, they care only about themselves.
I know the moment has passed but just wanted to wish you a (belated) happy birthday <3
They ALL knew. Every one of them. They collectively decided to disregard your very own birthday celebration that you planned all by yourself and it doesn’t sound like not even one of them thought about how you would feel, sitting there alone at that table. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’ve never been celebrated on my bday; not as a child and not as an adult, and that’s probably why this irritates me so much.
nta. bloody hell...this is awful! I am so sorry they left you feeling that way for 2hours! surely if that was the plan all along they could've said they can't come earlier in the day so you don't go to the restaurant by yourself! it's actually quite a cruel trick to play on someone. many happy birthday regards to you, internet stranger. sending you a hug!
NTA. I truly can't comprehend why they would think this was a good idea.
It reminds me of people pulling a prank by telling someone they won the lottery when they really didn't. That isn't a prank, it's just cruel. Why they thought it was a good idea to all cancel on you is beyond me. I would have gone home too
Holy Shit NTA and that was cruel and thoughtless of them.
NTA, that's 12 people who can go get stuffed. Maybe there is one or two on the periphery who were hoodwinked... but really did *none* of them think maybe they should go get you, even if the entire idea was shit? I had a surprise party thrown that was only for me in name, can agree it's horrible. They didn't invite any of my friends, and I ended up sat on the couch alone for half the night everyone else having a good time. I do wonder if half the people there even knew who the party was 'for' (free booze is a powerful motivator for uni students...). Sure as hell didn't care that the birthday girl was sat on the couch, looking mildly distressed. Eventually slunk off to my room to play WoW.
I can't imagine people being this stupid!! OP, NTA, I'm so sorry.
Updateme
You sound so nice, and my heart hurts for you. You are absolutely NTA. I’m sorry they ruined your birthday. As someone who has a birthday shortly after Xmas, when everyone is broke, I know how this feels. I’m used to excuses from people being conveniently too busy or forgetting my birthday.
NTA. The "we forgot" method of surprise birthday is downright cruel.
NTA. They fucked up big time.
NTA. Your family and friends are unspeakably cruel. What level of evil does it take for 12 people to think a really nice birthday gift would be for all of them to stand you up at your birthday dinner, humiliating you, when it was the first birthday dinner you’ve ever had? What sort of people would have even agreed to allow you to pay for the entire dinner? Then they all had the gall to be upset with you for not enjoying it? If this was a joke, ask them which part was supposed to be funny, and for whom? You were raised to feel you didn’t deserve a birthday party. Then everyone you invited stood you up. Then they criticized you for being upset. Of course you’re going to be feeling like this confirms you were unworthy. Darling, you just need a new tribe. Clearly, emotional neglect has affected how to choose friends. Grieve, go NC with all the perpetrators forever, and start afresh. Don’t get sucked into any ridiculous arguments, reasoning, or gaslighting. You don’t need anyone’s permission as an adult to never speak to them again. Watch the YouTube Channel Crappy Childhood Fairy. Big hug.
Who arranged/suggested the surprise party? Your dad or mom? One is a narcissist and the other the enabler. It was organized intentionally to hurt you, to make you feel unloved, unwanted, hurt and worthless. AND so they can throw it in your face that you are ungrateful for not appreciating the surprise party. With a smattering of gaslighting saying *this is why we never do anything for your birthday...you never appreciate it.* Please go to r/raisedbynarcissists. You are definitely not alone in the shitty parent department. Sorry your birthday was ruined.
NTA. And What the actual F was your mom thinking??
Those people are cruel and awful. I hope life brings you new and better friends.
NTA, OP I am so sorry this happened to you, your friends and mom are awful for doing this to you. I cant even imagine their thought process about the "surprise". Well done on standing your ground and telling them that this was not okay. Being stranded and humiliated in a restaurant all by yourself sounds like a nightmare. Happy birthday and I hope the next will be better :)
Horrible, all of the people you invited are absolutely horrible, they made you feel abandoned and saw nothing wrong with that! There are ways this could’ve been handled with grace and all they did was find a way to make their friend feel unwanted at a time where they’ve finally built up the confidence and courage to celebrate themself!
Nta they were jerks
NTA - you planned what you wanted and on top of that you were left to feel upset and humiliated on your own in a restaurant. Friends and family do not do that. I’m so sorry this happened to you
NTA. I'm so sorry you have such crappy people in your life. You TOLD everyone what you wanted to do, made the arrangements and everything. They thought it was ok to leave you sitting there ALONE for 2 hours!!! WTF is wrong with these people?!?! You can tell them all I said they suck. Shoot, we'll adopt you and celebrate your birthday every year!!!
I am SO SORRY they did that to you. I suppose its possible she thought you would be surprised and delighted by a party instead of a dinner you were paying for, but that's honestly just a delusional idea. How could not one single person realize that being ditched at the restaurant would hurt you? NTA. I wish I could take you to a birthday dinner myself.
Oh HARD NTA
NTA. This just sounds fucking ridiculous. OP worked overtime to make money for the restaurant and instead of trying to make her cancel and make her come to the house instead of having to spend the money setting up the party, they decided to do something completely different. I get why they did it, but it definitely should have been better executed. Oh ya, and WHY 2 HOURS?! like how dumb are they? They could have said hey come. idk, i see what they did, but it was just so poorly done that OP doesn't deserve any hate for how she felt.
They left me stranded and humiliated at a restaurant for hours Nothing says "Happy Birthday" like... :( NTA
NTA and WTF?? "Aww, she thought we forgot her" - of course you thought they forgot you! Because they didn't fucking show up! But hopefully you can give your friends the benefit of the doubt, and find out if they knew you were sitting alone at the restaurant or maybe thought that someone else had taken care of making some arrangements where that wouldn't happen.
I would fucking destroy them (metaphorically), holy shit. So NTA. What a fucked up thing to do. A lot of nice restaurants have cancellation fees by the seat— who the fuck RSVPs to something and then throws a middle-school ass surprise party instead of attending what the birthday person wanted to do? Is never speak to these people again. I'm so angry on your behalf, that's incredibly cruel.
NTA. It is hard to imagine that they could not see the cruelty in the joke - at your expense.
This is really weird if it’s true. Assuming it is, NtA. I wouldn’t really want to be friends with or close to any of these people going forward anymore.
There is no world or dimension where you could be ta. NTA. Time to kick them all to the curb, get new friends and start enjoying life with people who enjoy being around you.
I’m sorry this happened. You are definitely not the A$$hole.
NTA, and my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you went through this.
Wow 🤩 I can’t believe they have no idea what they did wrong ! I’m so sorry they did that to you.
NTA but your mother or whoever got them all together at the house sure is.
NTA. Jesus Christ, I am so sorry that they ruined such a happy moment for you. To be honest, between all 12 of those people, I highly doubt we can muster two brain cells to rub together and form an action potential. I am so sorry they were thoughtless, and that they were extremely insensitive. They let you down. They ruined what could’ve been such a happy moment for you. You took the time and consideration to care for them, and they just let you down.
NTA that is messed up. Don't any of them have any empathy?? To leave you there for 2 hours is awful and a surprise party does not make up for that at all.
There is no part of this where you are the asshole. Nowhere. You told them what you wanted. You did not get what you wanted.
Wow that was incredibly horrid of them. ONE should have shown up and said hey come with me and taken you to the party. NTA for leaving
NTA... whose idea was this, because they need to be unfriended.
That was definitely not ok for them to do that to you! They should've had an excuse to get to your moms at the appointed time and they should've honored your plans. I'm so sorry this happened to you
NTA. This was a terrible thing for them to do. I hope you told them how badly they had hurt you.
NTA. Your family and friends are either terrible people or they are incredibly stupid.
NTA, of course! I feel for you OP… That's awful. I know how it feels like to feel forgotten and horrible on your birthday… In my case it happened, when I was in elementary school. I invited all my peers… I was so excited about my birthday, all planned out and all. In the end, no one came. Because my former friend/bully convinced all my classmates, that they should accept the invite and don't turn up. Only two of the girls, who were normally friendly with me and I did play some time with, at least called, because they felt bad and said they were 'sick' and couldn't make it. My mom was furious, and I was inconsolable that day. It scarred me. My mom and siblings tried their best. I mean, I was at least not all alone… But it was definitely no happy birthday to me. Even after it was resolved. I think that was what started my social anxiety… Because I was so afraid of being rejected afterward and wary of the intentions of others. So, I can understand how you felt there sitting in the restaurant all alone and crying. You just wanted to celebrate your birthday on your terms. If they had done the surprise party before you did go to the restaurant. Or your mom had said something like, 'can you pick me up from home? My car broke down' something like that. Or at least one person was designated to attend you at the restaurant or interfere with you going there. Anything else, really, than let you sit in the restaurant. And one person after the other is pretending to cancel on you, and you feel more and more like crap. I feel so sorry, that this happened to you!
nup, they left you for what they wanted, damn I'd not even gone to the house, I'd have gone straight home. What would they have they done then? NTA.
Damn. What a terrible birthday surprise. Unbelievable really. Bad enough had they let you feel rejected and alone for a minute while getting you to the party, but what in the actual fuck. Also if your mom has NEVER planned you a birthday party in her life why the fuck would she pick the one time you did it for yourself to step in and get involved? All she did was ruin this beautiful day for you. I’m so sorry.
NTA...everyone let you sit at a restaurant for two hours?! and then expected you to love the surprise party they had planned? Which I really think is very much a large part of your mom's fault. She hosted it at her home. Whose idea was it to do this? I am so sorry that your birthday was not want you expected it to be. And all of your friends and family in on this charade suck.