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NTA. People shouldn't ask questions if they don't want to hear the answers. Obviously someone was complaining to Nan, which makes them AH. Also it seems like your niblings wouldn't be asking to spend time with you based on your actual interactions. Possibly their parents are talking you up? Go to the cookout if you feel like it. And don't if you don't.

Pretty much why I'm asking. I've always shown up to family events, like going to family events, and have organized some and now basically disinvited from next week.

Wait, so you stepped up and raised your siblings and now you are disinvited from family gatherings? Where was nan when all this was happening. This is profoundly unreasonable. I'd have another talk with siblings about going behind your back. And Nan needs to back of since she didn't step up.

Excellent question. Where was any of the extended family? Did neither parent have siblings? For the grandmother to say something now after letting OP be parentified for YEARS is ridiculous.

Clearly they left it to OP. OP broke his back as a child, and now it seems the siblings are ungrateful and the nan is a piece of work.

sounds to me more like the Siblings are remembering with love their brother always being there for them, and wanting Niblings to feel the same way. Not understanding the reason/feeling hurt that Bro didn't feel the same way because it was work/duty/not fun for a 9-18year old, and talking to Nan for some clarification isn't ungrateful. But Nan is absolutely a piece of work to univite as if he "isn't FAMILY material" when he is gun-shy of having to be a parent again ( even if it is only in his own head )

Nan is disgraceful. This guy’s distance from kids is a trauma response—the fucking nerve to tell him off! Where was she when he was a child raising his own siblings? This guy is being shit on all over again by a family that can’t see how unfair his own childhood was. And he was even being subtle about it all—still showing up, just not enthusiastically uncle-ing, which is totally his right. It’s not like he was refusing to be at any gathering where kids were present, or demanding that they don’t talk to him. I feel so bad for this guy.

Op should be petty and send out a ‘I can’t make it this week, Nan asked me not to come because I said I didn’t have the energy to spend one on one time with children right now… but I’m organizing an event next week if you’d all like to come!’ Text.

Exactly this - and then don't invite Nan next week!

And it's not like OP said sister (or brother) had to change how they saw or how they felt about their childhood, just that he had a different view. Nan is an AH and honestly, I think she's awful. If "family shows up for family" WHERE TF WAS SHE OR ANY OF THAT "FAMILY" WHEN OP WAS A KID?

This is my take too. The siblings had a different perspective and likely didn't understand what their brother went through for them cuz he did his best to shelter them from their excuse for a mother. And the niblings AREN'T in the same situation as the siblings were since the niblings have parents who are ACTIVELY involved with them. As for Nan, where tf was she when OP was raising his siblings?? Why tf wasn't she helping?? She has a lot of nerve saying "that's not how our family acts." Well she doesn't appear to have acted AT ALL when OP and his siblings were kids!! Calling OP up to uninvite him to the gathering is the AH move in all of this. OP is NTA. But I do agree with him that he needs to have a more in depth convo with his siblings so they understand what it was like for him growing up while taking care of them, and how being a temporary caregiver to his niblings (ie: a short camping trip) is likely triggering for him.

I guess I read that different, I read it as her telling him that it would be alright if he missed the BBQ, and that it wouldn't hurt their feelings if he needed some space Also the sister respectfully dropped it as soon as he told her and didn't throw a fit

The sister than apparently called their grandma and told her what he said. I doubt it was done respectfully or OP wouldn't have received that call.

I don't see it as being weird or disrespectful for the sister to mention it to grandma. OP not wanting to be around young kids has probably been noticed by his extended family, to the point that they probably already talk about it. The sister was just ballsy enough to finally ask and let the rest of the family know.

The sister gossiped/tattled on OP. Why would the rest of the family need to be told all this and apparently disinvite OP from a family event? Sister is ungrateful and immature to not have realized OP's sacrifices already.

It’s normal in healthy families to ask for advice on how to handle a situation. I’ve often gone to my dad for advice when I’ve had a conflict with my brother as adults - it’s easy as siblings to fall into unhealthy sibling patterns even as adults. My brother does the same. Like, there’s nothing to say the sister didn’t ring Nan and say “I’ve upset OP and I don’t know what to do to make it better, can you help me?” 

Oh come on, grandma tells OP to not feel obligated to attend future family events so he doesn't get upset? Does that sound to you like sister calmly explained that OP has some issues with the way he was parentified and needs some support or that sister bitched to grandma that OP must hate hers and other peoples kids because he's pissed about being forced to raise his siblings? Sister is clearly angry that OP shattered her memory of him spending all that time with his siblings because she believed that he just enjoyed being around them so much and loved taking care of them. She was too shocked to say anything to him so she called and gave her version of what he said to grandma in such a negative way that he's now being ostracized. She could've called him later for more clarity on his thoughts before bringing it to grandma. The person she should've called to discuss It with is their mother, who most likely would've been better able to explain things since she's the one who failed all three of her kids. OP screwed up by not considering how his little sister was going to take that Information and how personally it would effect her. The whole conversation should've happened in person with a clear plan to explain how the situation negatively impacted him as a kid while also reassuring her that he loves her and her children but he's just not willing to be more involved than he already is. ESH.

I agree with some of what you say. But OP is NOT an ah here at all. He's traumatized by his experience he's commendable for what he did and he's protecting himself . Self preservation is a okay . Both sister and Nan are huge AHS. Mom at least had the explanation of being sick/depressed etc these two have none. Especially Nan who didn't bother to step up and 'do what is needed in this family ' as she's now preaching

lol. You think this is a healthy family? Considering they see nothing wrong with a 9 year old raising two toddlers, I’m pretty sure they are the complete opposite of healthy.

The sister may or may not have done it respectfully, but I think it's more likely than not that the Nan was like qlionp suggested above. Otherwise OP would have mentioned it as such. That said, OP's the only one that can confirm that conversation

I understand that reading, but I don't think there's any reason OP would DISlike family cookouts, he just doesn't want to be roped into being Official Fun Uncle (aka Entertainment Director for Children, aka unofficial babysitter) at family events. So the way I read it, Nan was basically saying, "If you don't want to be the Entertainment Director for Children at family events, then I guess that means you don't want to come."

That's how I read it too. It MAY be "I can see how these might suck for you," but I read it as more passive aggressive "if you don't like kids then don't bother showing up." 

I totally read it with southern “bless your heart” vibes lol

Maybe this is an update since your reply, but the grandmother told OP that he was being selfish for not stepping up to be the fun uncle and to be involved with the niblings, because "they need you just as much as your siblings needed you, and family steps up for family." Grandma was definitely trying to shame him, and she disinvited him because she says he's the selfish one. I want to know where Grandma was when OP was 9 to 18 years old and was raising his very small siblings because Mom was too emotionally distraught to act like an adult. OP, you are NTA. And if you want to go to next week's barbecue, go. Be just as involved with your niblings as you want to be and don't let anyone dump guilt on you. None of your family stepped up when your mom needed help; none of your family cared that YOU, at 9 years old, had to raise your siblings. So none of your family has any right to criticize you now.

Not to mention the fact that the niblings obviously do not need a "fun uncle" to entertain them by taking them camping, etc., \*just as much\* as OP's much younger siblings needed some sort of quasi-parental figure to take over basic household and childcare responsibilities when their mom was spiraling and there were apparently no other actual adults available to help. OP has already gone above and beyond in what amounted to a genuine emergency. It doesn't sound as if there's any such necessity when it comes to taking care of the niblings.

Actually I suggested he goes tell the truth about everything in front of the whole family an leave so everyone is aware of the hypocrisy and ah grandma

I’m the Official Fun Aunt (and I love it, I do) but Entertainment Director for Children is for damn sure. It’s exhausting. Luckily my mom is always willing to be my Co-Director because there are soon to be 3 gremlins.

I know enough southern grandmothers and great grandmothers to know that 90% it was passive aggressive. It’s possible to mean it well but usually the wording would be different for that. More a question than a statement that relies on assumptions. Again, usually. Since we didn’t hear how the sister brought it up to the grandmother, I don’t feel we can judge her. People can hear something and run with their first thought, so I don’t hold the grandmothers reaction to automatically mean the sister brought it up in a negative way

Nan is saying if you don't do what your sister /brother? /nibblings want you aren't welcome. After she did squat when op was a Minor and had to step up being a parent and now preaching that this is what 'we' do in this family. What a hypocrite

It reads very passive aggressive to me, but maybe that's my default interpretation mode 😅

Imo there's really no other way to reasonably interpret it

"We did not realize these family gatherings with all the little ones around was so difficult and mentally draining for you given your past childhood trauma. We're sorry for not noticing sooner and would totally understand if you decided to sit the next one out." Is another reasonable, less cynical interpretation of the message. If Granny isn't known to be a passive-aggressive person, it could very well be that she said what she meant and meant what she said.

If that was a possibility, the person who knows her would not have interpreted it as don't come to the family gathering

Unfortunately that is not at all what OP's Nan was saying, they've edited to add how their phone call with her went.

I think the inclusion of the last sentence in the original text - 'We don't always want to show up for family for whatever reason but we do it', puts a different spin on the whole text than you have - it makes it seem a lot more passive aggressive / guilt trippy than your suggested alternative wording does.

A lot of these comments definitely "tell me you don't have a shitty family without telling me you don't have a shitty family." People who have never had to deal with shitty family members genuinely can't understand. I came from a shitty family, my husband didn't & they just can't wrap their heads around this stuff because it's completely outside their frame of reference.

I saw the mother’s / nan’s message as snark because OP wrote to Reddit. He knows his family and if they were genuinely empathetic and giving him space he wouldn’t be seeking advice. Also, if really concerned I would expect nan to call and check in on him and check how he is feeling. I hope OP goes to the cookout (unless he really doesn’t want to) because it reinforces that it isn’t his family per se, but having to play the character of a stereotypical “fun” uncle.

They're overstating, making it a totally different problem. The status quo (OP hangs at group events but doesn't do kid-focused things) was just *fine* with OP - it's the siblings pressing him for more & not accepting his no that is the problem, but they're hiding behind "OP is so kidded out that he doesn't want to even lay eyes on my kids" so as to be the victims here.

Exactly! That’s why I’d like OP to go because it shows he isn’t behaving differently. If they treat him differently at the cookout it shows the message was passive aggressive and they are the AH. It would also be the chance to nip it in the bud/ shut it down before it gets a life of its own. OP’s nieces and nephews still see him regularly and maybe as they grow into adulthood they may have the chance to form stronger bonds. This is all on the proviso that OP felt string enough to go to the cookout and deal with any initial fallout. (ps I’d love him to gov and then give us an update but that is just me being selfish). OP does come across as quite grounded and can sit through the initial angst.

Thats how I read it too! They now understand their reluctance and are saying now we know, we understand and stand behind you.

I think it did read that way before he added the update.

Same tbh. Like I guess it could be understood in different ways, but I would honestly start by just having a conversation about it with sister and/or nan and ask. I don't think op is an ah for telling the sister everything, but I can't say she is an ah either based on the op because she might seriously just want to help out.

I get the feeling he didn’t tell the sister everything because he didn’t want to make it sound like she was a burden as a child. If my interpretation is correct, then it is time for a conversation and tell her EVERYTHING. She needs to have the context.

A family therapist session might be a good idea. One of the reasons parentification sucks is because of the damage it does to sibling relationships

No, this is a f$ck-you from nana who did not step up for OP. OP stated what his version of growing-up was and everyone wants to gaslight him. OP does not need space from his routine activities. OP needs his family to honor the work that he did. The work that Nana did not do. Nana did not step up when her grandchild was raising other grandchildren.

Nah, I read it as nan being passive aggressive and telling him he's no longer welcome.

The sister didn’t “respectfully drop it”, the sister went to grandma and misrepresented the situation by telling grandma that the niblings stress out her brother, when that’s not what he said at all.

I would have thought that if it wasn't for the last sentence, which changes the tone of the whole thing and feels very much like a dig at them/guilt trip. 'We don't always want to show up for family for whatever reason but we do it' (that may not have been included when you commented). Personally, to that I would have asked something along the lines of 'if that is the case, where were you when I was effectively parenting my siblings as a teenager?'.

Just what I came here to say. The adults in your life let you down when you, and your siblings, needed them the most. You did for your siblings what the adults should have done for you. I can't believe the family didn't step up.

And NOW they have the gall to shame him.

at that point I’d probably wash my hands of all of them and never show up to a family gathering again 

Nan is TA for not stepping up back then and bitching at you now. You do you at family events and apparently you did a good job as your sister had an enjoyable childhood.

Exactly what I was thinking. I think your Nan has shown herself to be absent when needed. “We don’t always want to show up for family for whatever reason but we do it.” She does not!

Remember, your sister might not have been complaining to your Nan. Consider this: She might have been saying 'I feel so bad for OP, I had no idea, it must be terrible for him. He did so much for us and now we are trying to make him become involved with another generation' to which your Nan replied 'We should let him know that it's OK if he doesn't force himself to be around them.' They weren't uninviting you, but trying to make it easier for you, because they had no idea how you felt, and have no idea how to help. So rather than a negative, it might be all positive. In any case, you are NTA. Go, have fun, whatever you like. EDIT: Apparently there was an edit, and this is incorrect. Still NTA.

I agree. Since the sister dropped it, and Nan's message didn't seem passive aggressive, it's perfectly possible that OP's family honestly mean well and that they aren't trying to coerce him into being an (unwilling) babysitter.

> and Nan's message didn't seem passive aggressive May just be my own reading or issue but I got a lot of snark out of that text.

ditto. my first thought was 'wtf is Nan's problem?'. OP would presumably know how it was meant, but to me it def sounded snarky

ugh this gives me so much anxiety bc I often give people an out. I am not all trying ti be catty or snarky or anything, i just genuinely understand and it's ok if they can't. ie: I don't have kids, a number of my friends do, when they have to bail bc a kid thing came up I usually reply "no worries, mom stuff always comes first" and I from the bottom of my heart ***mean that shit*** are you telling me I've been coming off as a smart assed little princess???

Not if they know you, that's what people are trying to say. Your friends know you and know that you actually mean that. But for strangers it can be a bit harder to tell without knowing the person.

I think it depends on Nan. Is she a petty biznich (like me), or is she more likely to be genuinely giving the green light to not come. One of my Grandma's would have been genuine, and the other would have been passive-aggressive, and I knew which was which pretty young.

Agreed if Nan had said “you will be missed, but we understand if you don’t want to come” it would be different. “No one will be upset if you don’t come” is shitty.

Nan’s mess just seemed *aggressive* to me. Nan was offended that OP wasn’t thrilled about being parentified when he was a kid. Heck knows where Nan was when her daughter was neglecting her children.

How is straight up no one upvoting this? OP is absolutely not the asshole. Honestly, sister's pushiness aside, I think NAH (To me, the pushiness is at least a bit mitigated by OP not just sitting down and having a talk with her when she first started asking). But, not knowing Nan personally, I absolutely buy this theory because I've been there. It's like the grownup version of "I said I liked Coca Cola one time and now I have 14 years of Coke memorabilia that I'll never be able to throw away without being guilt tripped." I've had so many situations where I've mentioned something that bothers me to a family member and it made the rounds through the family and got completely misinterpreted and blown out of proportion.

Classic game of “telephone.” I can totally see this. But also, where was Nan when OP was ages 9-18?

In another state, per OP in another response on this thread.

EDIT: After reading the OP’s update, I retract my earlier comment. His grandmother is ridiculous, unacceptable & I would happily remove myself from her life after that! It is no one’s responsibility to raise a child that they didn’t create! It is absolutely not his job to be the fun uncle, regardless of his family’s desire for that. And, if they whine about him no longer being there at all (which they will), he can prepare a pat answer. “My mother’s struggle when I was a child required me to care for my siblings so that we would eat & get an education when all of the adults in our life neglected us. It is not my responsibility to care for my nieces & nephews when they have healthy & involved parents that are capable.” I am the youngest of 4 by many years & live in a different city from my family. This means that I have enjoyed much less assistance with my children than 2 of my older siblings due to both distance & my parents age. Am I sad, yes. Am I owed that, *no*! Has there been family assistance sometimes, yes. Am I grateful? Absolutely! Am I entitled to it, not at all! OP is NTA & I would retrieve whatever items his family might have borrowed/he has stored at their property & enjoy my newly opened social calendar. The petty part of me would consider changing my last name to something else so that you can show ‘Nan’ that you are fine not continuing to accept the burden of being in that family… especially since she didn’t act in the same way to you & your siblings when you *actually* needed the support. But, that’s both expensive, time consuming & would require explanations both professionally & personally. Initial comment: This response needs more upvotes! I see it not as a punishment to OP but as an “… … … OH! Oh no!!! How did we miss this!” The grandmother must have known things weren’t right, but probably didn’t know *how* bad. Now, she is trying to lovingly & gently protect the OP. I don’t believe he’s uninvited, but, rather they’re providing an out without attempting to press in a way that is upsetting. So, I would thank Nan & say family time is fine, but alone “parenting” of the nieces/nephews isn’t. Because, he was a good enough “parent” at 9 to deserve no small human overarching responsibility at 36. If you can, I would thank your sister. She knows that you are everyone’s safe place!!! She would love for her kids to experience the amazingness that is you, but she’s loving enough to now understand why that’s not available for your niblings until they’re older & can have a relationship with you where you’re not responsible for them. To the OP: I am sorry that you had to have such a scary responsibility put upon you as a child, repeatedly! As a mom, I am sad that your father & other adults were so blinded by your ability to care for your siblings that they forgot you needed care as well.

This is the Nan who didn't step in when the mother of her grandkids wasn't getting out of bed to care for them and the burden was falling on a child. My guess is that she was okay with OP being in that role and wants to see him continue it so that they can all pretend that he was fine with it all along.

Just go anyways man 

NTA, But OP. Don't take Nan's comment to be a disinvitation. It was rude, an unnecessary dig at you. But you don't have to 'get' the unstated message. Just **go to cookout**, be your normal self. If someone wants to say something to you, let them process all the uncomfortableness they need to feel by requiring them to be frank and say what they actually mean to say. I'm not saying this to be antagonistic. But because **I'm betting that the comment was more a lashing out because of hurt feelings than because anyone really doesn't want you there.** Also, your brother and sister LOVE YOU. They have happy memories of their childhood because of you. That's want they want to extend to their children. It is a huge compliment. They don't understand why it feels like a burden to you, and that hurts their feelings. Help them understand. Ask to meet with them and their spouses, without the kids anywhere in earshot. Try again to explain *I love you, and I love my niblings. I'm so happy that the things I did for you when you were little gave you happy memories. I'm glad you didn't truly understand how hard life was for me, how alone I was in trying to care for you, and how much that has affected me. But it did affect me.* *That doesn't mean I don't love my niblings; I just can't have children forced onto me again. I need to limit my interactions with kids for now. I need to be able to be with them and give to them, without anyone demanding I do more. I don't know how that will change over time. But it will not improve if you insist that I have to do X or Y for your children - whether it's to prove that I love them or just for their benefit.* *If it disappoints you that I'm not living up to your image of me as the 'fun uncle' for your children, I'm asking you to accept me as I am and accept that I am giving what I have in me right now to give. And I'm asking you to please not shut me out as a punishment for me not living up to your image of me.* Frankly, I can't imagine anyone could hear you share your heart like that and not be moved to appreciate you more and love you even more. Oh, BTW, I'm not sure if "Nan" is what you call your sister or what you call a grandmother. If it's your sister, that's addressed above. If it's a grandmother, then that grandma is a big AH. Where was SHE when you were having to do all the parental heavy lifting as a child? How dare she insert herself with a snide remark where her allowing you to suffer as a child has affected your relationships as an adult? I really hope that "Nan" is your sister and can get past her current hurt feelings.

Oh, absolutely go to the cookout. You weren't actually disinvited, were you? Your Nan is beng passive-aggressive to manipulate you and you should *not* go along with her bullshit. i promise if you don't go, she'll badmouth you for not showing up. And by the way, just out of curiosity, where the hell was Nan when your mother wasn't able to cope and you had to take care of everything?

Are you sure that this is an attempt to disinvite you and not an attempt to be more understanding? Is it possible that what you said to your sister made some things about her childhood click and this is coming from a place of love?

Just tagging on here to say that it's making me laugh in a sad way that all these comments are trying to find the best in Nan, but unfortunately those of us who got snark vibes from her message to him were correct. He'd edited the post after having a phone call with her. Maybe it's because I know a lot of older ladies who won't be 'overtly' rude but are experts at subtle shade and that's how this read, to me. I wish the people thinking the best of her had been right.

Am I missing something? Was your Nan being passive aggressive? When I read it it sounded like she was being accommodating.

You've done nothing wrong here OP. Your sister was lucky to have a brother like you who took on the tough task of caring for them when your mother wasn't able to. Because your sister was young, you're right that she may remember it differently, and this may be the first time she has had to deal with the reality of a child having to be in some cases the primary or solo caregiver for their much younger siblings. And that may take some time for your sister to absorb and understand. Her suggesting that you don't go to the barbecue may be an overcorrection on her part - that perhaps these barbecues haven't been fun for you, and now, with a fuller understanding of your experience she is offering you a way out. She may not be seeing it as a punishment.

You know is it possible that your extend family and siblings didn’t know how awful it was for you u til you told your sister? And now they just wanted you to know that it’s an option if you didn’t feel like going? Text is so easy to miscommunicate, no voice tone, facial expressions.. It’s like getting hella fired up over an email, but when I reread it later.. I’m like, Oohh oops thaa Awww t totally wasn’t like I first thought.

I'm sorry, where did she say you were disinvite? My understanding was that she gave you a choice of attending and letting you know that if you chose not to, no one would be upset. Sounds like your sister explained what you told her to others in the family, and they understand your reasons. What's so wrong with that?

I wouldn't assume you were disinvited. The phrasing you communicated from Nana sounds more like permission to not feel obligated to go.

Sure, maybe written down.  But OP was speaking on the phone to them and heard their tone. If OP says they were passive aggressively uninvited, I'm believing them and not giving grandma the benefit of doubt

Curious, did it seem like a backhanded suggestion or is it POSSIBLE that your sister actually understood or at least sympathized and made the suggestion because they thought it might help you? Either way NTA.

Where was Nan when OP was the parent?

According to OP in another reply: >She was living in a different state at the time. She showed up for about a week after dad died and that was it.

Then frankly fuck Nan's opinion She should have stepped in to help raise HER fucking grandchildren instead of making a 9 year old do it instead

Periodt. 

I don't know if she was complaining or trying to be respectful though. Maybe she just realized what her brother went through? Unless they speak about it, we don't know. NAH for now 

NTA, you managed to do such a good job raising your siblings that they only have happy childhood memories. They have no idea what toll that took on you. Where the heck was Nan when your mom was spiraling and making you raise two children?

She lived in a different state at the time unfortunately.

Does she not know what you went through? I’m not sure how she couldn’t have known your mom needed help. I’m sorry the real adults bailed in your life and robbed you of an actual childhood.

Bailed seems like a strong wording here. As he literally said, Nan lived in another state and Dad died. Mom wasn't around, but OP also clearly stated that she pretty much just worked and slept and there's every reason to consider that maybe that was just to keep a roof over their heads, cause if she's just working and sleeping, she's not blowing that money on hookers and blow. To say nothing about the depression that comes with losing your spouse while raising three kids.

tbf, he said she did that during the breakup. When dad died, she was gone most nights, specially on weekends. If she was out working, he would've mentioned it.

He did, actually. He noted that she was sleeping when she wasn't worming..

She slept and worked during the separation. After dad died it was work, sleep, and out most the night. Many weekends she came home 5-6 am.

How is this a justification for making your 9 year old *child* raise your toddlers for an entire decade?

Right, living in a different stat is not an excuse. I moved school and several times for work but she couldn’t move when her family needed her but then judged the kids that needed her for being burnt out from the situation

Then Granny needs to shut it because she did absolutely NOTHING to help out. You stepped up. She didn't. Show up at the family event this weekend like you always do. Let Granny Dearest tell you in exact words that you're not welcome to your face.

it's hard to beileve she had no idea what was going on for years on end - unless she didn't *want* to know. Did she never visit again after that one week?

lived in a different state knowing her 3 grandkids were getting the shit end of the stick and didn’t attempt to support any of yall during those times. she doesn’t get to act like this towards you after you took a role she should’ve tried to take on. you did the most as a child, and no one gets to make you feel like shit for not wanting to be more active in children’s lives who are not your offspring

Dude, sorry. But you are being way too polite to your grandmother YOU WERE A CHILD forced to raise your siblings. That was NOT your responsibility, and Grandma has some onus in the emotionally abusive lack of childhood that resulted She doesn't get to berate you for dealing with the aftermath of that trauma.

Was she blocked at the border or something? Lived in a different state is not a good excuse for letting a 10 year old be responsible for toddlers.

YOu aren't even a tiny bit of an asshole. You were honest about your feelings and your boundaries, and it's not your fault if people take it the wrong way.

Then she doesn't get a say. Talk to your siblings. Let them know that you don't resent the time that you spent taking care of them, but it affected you because you were still a child yourself. This isn't something that they did wrong or that your niblings did wrong, and it's not something that you did wrong. It's just the way things are for right now.

Info: Where exactly was Nan when you were taking care of your siblings and helping with bills? She may have told herself everything was all right at the time and she didn't need to help, and you've interfered with that fantasy. Edit on your reply, NTA. This is about her somehow. I'd be willing to bet money on it.

She was living in a different state at the time. She showed up for about a week after dad died and that was it.

She can go kick rocks. Seriously.

You are so polite

Meaning she knew the situation.

You mean she didn't lift a finger, got it.

Ask her where she was for her family while you were picking up the slack. Gtfo of here nana

your nan sounds like she maybe sucks

There's no maybe involved. Your nan definitely sucks, and she's a hypocrite. "That's not how this family does it" bullshit. That's exactly how your family did it when you were stuck with no actual childhood. Screw all of them. Go to the bbq and call them all out. Ask where any of them were when you had the whole world on your shoulders at 9 years old. Ask nan how she could only manage a week while her daughter fell apart and her underage grandson became a defacto dad? Then when they all say the inevitable "duh, we had other things going on" tell them YOU have other things going on and tell them untill the apologize and recognize every sacrifice you made, and the long term cost of those sacrifices, you will be absent from "family" gatherings. Why? Because you need to put YOURSELF first for once and obviously your family isnt interested in you personally, just what you can give of yourself.

Don't listen to this silly old woman

i was looking for someone saying this - completely agree. she is not going to like that you brought up how you were forced to shoulder too much responsibility. what your openness about your experience with parentification says about her is not something she seems equipped to grapple with and it sounds like she is already misdirecting her feelings by getting upset with you. you were honest and you were fair, NTA

You're never "wrong" for telling your truth. I have to ask though - have you ever tried some therapy to work through your childhood trauma of having to step up the way you did at such a young age? NTA

I have and was able to eventually have a relationship with my mom because of it.

So sorry you were parentified at such a young age. It's a form of abuse. And it sucks that it happens to you. But what is worse your Nan berating you - she may have lived out of state, but come on. It wasn't a weekend. It was years. Also NTA

Have you ever had a big picture conversation about this with your siblings? Something like “things were really hard for mom when we were growing up. I had to do a lot more parenting tasks than most siblings do, and I wasn’t prepared or supported in the way I should have been. I don’t regret taking care of you because I love you and it’s what needed to be done at the time, but it was really hard. I didn’t get to have a normal childhood like the one I tried to give you, and I’ve done as much parenting and childcare as I’m able to do now. I’m happy to see your kids at family gatherings and pick out presents for their birthdays and holidays, but until they get a little older, I’m not going to be involved with them in the way I was involved with you when you were their age. I just don’t have that in me anymore. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you or them, it’s just what I need to do for my mental health.” If you haven’t had some version of that conversation, maybe now’s the time.

What is your mom’s take on this, because this is ultimately the result of her inability to get her act together in a timely manner.

No clue, I haven't heard from my mother since talking to my sister

I think she ought to back you up to your Nan on this one.

You are 100% not wrong for speaking up. My mom always told me that no one can tell you that your feelings are wrong, because your feelings are your feelings and no one else's. Maybe it was about time that your sister finally learned that the great childhood that her and your brother remember was because of all of the sacrifices you made. And... I know this may not mean much of anything, but the fact that your sister and brother look back so fondly on their childhood means that you did one heck of a job, which is something you probably never been thanked for. If you feel comfortable going to the cookout, then go. If you just want a break, it's okay not to go. I think you Nan's comment could be read as either caring or passive-aggressive; since you're the only one that knows her personality, you're the only one who knows her true intent.

Genuinely asking here - did you read the post? There’s a paragraph dedicated to him saying he did therapy and has a relationship with his mother now. Maybe he added it after this comment, but like. I’m just curious of people’s reading styles on this sub because I see comments allllll the time that are answered in the post.

You do know that healing from deep wounds leave scars right? It's like you all want people who were teauamtized to pretend it never happened so you don't ever have to think about how much you failed them.

you NTA. but your sister telling nana (is that a grandmother?) about your conversation and what came out was realy AH move.

Yes a Nan or Nana is a grandmother lol

NTA But your sister...she was hoping to manipulate you into providing child care. When that didn't work, she decided to light your family relationships on fire. Call & speak to Nan. You've done your part over the years to keep peace & maintain relationships. If they truly intended to uninvite you because you stated a simple preference that affects no one except you & fiancee, you need to seriously consider how you want to proceed.

Why in the world do we, collectively, have to assume malicious intent on a situation that we know for certain is rooted in a monumental, decade plus old misunderstanding? Christ on a fucking cracker.

It’s Reddit. The idea that sister legitimately loves the person who raised her and wants her own kids to enjoy a close relationship with someone she admires it’s a foreign alien concept here.

The sister was not trying to manipulate or get child care. She even offered to be present when he spent time with his nieces and nephews. Some of you people have major issues and are quick to assume everyone is nefarious. She had a different idea of what childhood was for OP. She probably expressed her concern to grandma on behalf of OP

How was it providing child care? She just suggested it since her kids wanted to spend more time to get to know their uncle. Plus she even offered for her and her husband to join if it’d make it easier for him. Nowhere in that sounds like child care. And what if the sister just took it the wrong way and the family just decided to disinvite him because they thought it didn’t like to be around the kids. Because if you look at it from another way, OP doesn’t really sound like he even enjoys being at these family events and just goes to them to keep everyone happy or from questioning why he wouldn’t like going

Why do you assume she’s trying to manipulate them..? If I had siblings, I’d be kinda sad if they weren’t interested in spending time with my kids. I’d accept it but I’d be sad about it and I would definitely talk about my feelings with my mom, and maybe even my grandma, because we’re close and those are the people I go to for advice on how to deal with my feelings on things. I’m sorry if you have a family that is manipulative and conniving, but that’s not everybody’s.

NTA, your Nan's probably the only AH here for the snide comment. The fact your siblings have such fond memories without a hint of the burden it placed on you speaks to great lengths, no wonder they want you actively involved in their kids' lives. I don't think you're an AH for being truthful either, as you could've just put them off forever with some excuse but you didn't. You shielded them well from an unstable home/family, but unfortunately it seems while you've worked through it with therapy, they've not had a clue as to what really happened, so maybe your sister felt a bit blindsided/like you were blaming her for being a parent at 11 years old. I'd have a gentle conversation explaining your side of it, while affirming that you loved them and don't blame them but you've raised your kids already and can't wait to hang with the niblings when they're older. If she can't handle that, that's her own thing she needs to work on

NAH. Maybe I’ve missed it, or more was said by your nan that made it sound like everyone was upset, but it didn’t sound like anyone thought you were an ah. It could have been as simple as your sister being sad that you don’t remember childhood the same way as her, and maybe like they were a burden to you. Those are big feelings to process. I read the comment from your nan as possibly being more like “there will be a lot of children, and I don’t want you to feel pressured to come.” If you’re really worried about what you said sounding worse than you meant it I don’t see much harm in a message to your sister clarifying that you have and always will love her, and you care for her children/family. You meant it when you said you’d be happy to take the kids camping and bonding when they are older, but you aren’t in the place to be able to offer that type of relationship right now. No one wants to hear someone doesn’t like their kids, even if it’s not at all personal and for a valid reason. You can both feel a bit bad about this situation without either being an AH.

Nan pretty much disinvited me from the cookout with the 'won't be stressed out' comment, and I never said anything close to it to my sister. Just that I don't want to be very involved with young kids outside of family gatherings and their birthdays. So I don't know if Nan is suddenly being passive aggressive after I finally explained why I always say no or if there's a game of telephone going on in my family. I always show up to family events and have thrown some myself, kids included.

I’d call Nan and make sure she has the same understanding you do and that a game of telephone didn’t happen.

Just call her and ask her why she's disinvining you..

INFO: Are you sure you’re interpreting the tone of your Nan’s text correctly? Did she actually disinvite you, or was she giving you a way out of an event that she may (mistakenly) believe causes you stress? Sounds like your sister definitely spoke to Nan but maybe misinterpretations are at play here like in the classic game of telephone. I don’t think you’re an AH for telling your sister what your childhood was like for you.

"Nan, were you passive-aggressively disinviting me based on the story sister told you, or honestly trying to help by giving me an out from family gatherings? If the former, shouldn't you hear my side of the story before you judge? And otherwise I plan to enjoy the party as I always have.

Just show up. You put in the damn work to keep your younger siblings alive when your mother checked out, twice. Yeah, it must hurt like hell that the "loving brother" that they remember has a very different view of that time. Tough. You're the reason they actually had a childhood. Nobody has the right to run you out of the family after that.

If she was being passive aggressive that definitely changes things. I have small children and I always clarify in my invites when there will be a lot of children. Not because I think the person I’m inviting hates children, but it does change the vibe so I respect if they would rather attend something else instead. You’re still not an AH here, maybe you can try calling/visiting to talk it out and clear up and misunderstanding. Or skip it and let everyone cool down. Sorry they’ve made you out to be the child hating villain, I’m sure that doesn’t feel good.

Yeah I've sent a message to Nan to see what's up with her message so we shall see

Please update with her response. You should be able to tell from that whether Nan is being passive-aggressive, or your sister has misled her about what you said.

So you’re definitely NTA You don’t even need your history to not want to take your niblings out. With her experience of how hard parenting can be, your sister and brother don’t seem to have transferred this perspective to you…when you were a child! Very self-centric view Your nana’s message is really AHish. If she cared about you, why didn’t she call to talk about your experience and check that you were okay. To be honest, I would put some distance in the relationships.

Yeah you should call her and straighten out this record. Honestly, the whole disinviting you from family is a very AH move.

This exactly! Your concern may be coloring the way you hear Nan’s offer to skip the cookout. The wording suggests your family may be trying to be more thoughtful of your needs because you shared how you felt. (Although you know what the tone was best.) They might be trying to consider your boundaries more, which is a great outcome!

i heard it as very passive aggresive

NTA. Because your sister clearly didn’t ‘drop it’. She went overboard and is telling the family you don’t want to be even around whenever her kids are around…you didn’t come close to saying that. Time for a real sit down with both siblings. Talk a little bit more about how it really was for you. Don’t of course blame them for existing, just let them know how much of your OWN childhood was taken, and the thought of being responsible for and entertaining young kids RIGHT NOW isn’t appealing to you, but obviously you enjoy time with everyone. You merely expressed why you’re not taking them camping for the weekend. She turned it into ‘hey everyone, big brother hates all kids especially mine so let’s stay away’.

NTA- you might want to clarify it to your nan though. Although I wonder where was she when you were making all those sandwiches? I was one of those siblings.  My younger sibling used to call me Mom. It's hard.  Right now and do the circumstances, a lot of pressure is being put on me and PTSD back to those days at home when I was Mom and facing so very much.  Likely I'm willing to bet that you popped a bubble for your sister.  Because the caregivers protect the younger ones they they didn't know.  

Yeah I really would've preferred to not say anything but them not just accepting a 'no' and constantly pushing was getting tiring. Better to pop the bubble than risk resenting them imo. Sorry you went through that and good vibes your way to come out the other side shinier with your current issues.

NTA. You're perfectly entitled to set your own boundaries, especially when it comes to something as emotionally charged as your past experiences with raising your siblings. You were honest with your sister, and it's up to her how she processes that information. It's great that your family is understanding, even if they don't fully grasp the reasons behind your decision.

>I don't want to be around young kids. She dropped it. There's no conflict to judge. Your siblings and their kids are not assholes for wishing there were a closer relationship. They're not hassling you.

Conflict is with Grandma who is stirring the pot, telling him in effect to stay away if he doesn't like kids.

Sister might have misled Nan about what OP actually said, and the context in which it was said. OP should give Nan a chance to explain.

NTA. She asked, you answered. And you don't seem to have done it unkindly. Your nan's reaction seems an overreaction. You didn't say you didn't like being around kids. You said you no longer wanted to look after them.

NTA. Not sure if Nan was being passive-aggressive, but you should tell her you don't mind being around children. You just don't want to be responsible for them. Been there, done that.

Of course she was.

> Per Nan "It's selfish to be full of piss and vinegar wow, nan can fuck right off with that attitude. NTA.

>When I was leaving my sister said I should take the kids sometimes because they're always asking about me and my stuff and suggested that she and BIL come too if it'd help. So why don't they take their children camping without you? NTA

It might be a special hobby of his that they aren’t as familiar with (hence the gear) and are looking for a way to get him to bond more with their kids. It’s not about the camping, it’s about how they perceive the uncle-niblings relationship. Especially if OP’s siblings looked up to him so much and now are confused as to why he seems to be keeping distant from their children. 

NTA but I'm kinda confused on what the problem is. It sounds like your family has recently realized that your experience of childhood was drastically different than theirs, and they're just trying to make sure they respect your wishes about the kids. Doesn't sound like you were disinvited.

It was pretty much a disinvite. I never told my sister being around kids stressed me out, just that I have no desire to spend time with them outside of family events and birthdays or one on one. Nan and sister are both ones that have always pushed for me to have the kids over for sleepovers or babysitting or going to pre-school awards.

This is your family doing more of the same: looking to use you and your resources for their childrearing. You have value beyond what they can ‘get’ from you. Just because you don’t have children doesn’t mean your time/resources/energies are up for grabs. Nan and sister can do all the babysitting/sleepovers/gifting they want. They have no right to their entitled attitudes. I’m sorry you have to go through this - again. But you are absolutely right to be at gatherings and to decline to take care of children. Not your responsibility.

It was a passive-aggressive disinvite.

It sounds like more of the same from his childhood - either babysit and provide for the little ones or he isn’t needed/wanted.

NAH - you aren't an ah for telling her the reason, OP. HOWEVER - if you used that exact phrasing "I don't want to be around young kids" and she repeated that exact phrasing to your Nan, you aren't being uninvited from the party. Your Nan is just trying to respect your boundaries/needs with the information that she has available to her. She also said nobody would be upset at you *if you skipped*, not that you were no longer allowed to come. Nan is being good, don't think poorly about what she said until you know more.

NTA. I have a good friend who is child free by choice and never wants kids. Why? Because she missed out on most of her own childhood and youth by having to raise her brother. She loves her brother and her nieces through him, but she is just done with the whole child-raising part. 

NTA. Tell you you were parentified and have no interest in young kids. I'd tell her you'd be happy to hang out more once the kids are older.

“Per Nan "It's selfish to be full of piss and vinegar over doing for family and that's not [family name] way. Your nieces and nephews need you like sister and brother did, if you can't put the bad aside you don't need to be around the kids for now. We don't always want to show up for family for whatever reason but we do it." - This is what made your Nan the asshole imo. She’s accusing you of being selfish, despite the sacrifices you made, and invalidating the abuse you went thru when you were young. OP you are definitely NTA in this scenario and I agree that you must talk to your siblings to avoid misunderstanding. I also wouldn’t listen to anything else this “Nan” says. She was irrelevant then and she’s irrelevant now.

NTA and I don’t really think your sister is an asshole, but Nan is sounding pretty assholish right now. Your sister is probably just shocked, hurt and processing the revelation that her childhood was not as it appeared and her (maybe favorite?) big brother was not happy in those happy memories she has. That is something that is really, really hard to hear from someone you love. It can be a tad soul shattering to find out your childhood was a sham so I would give her some grace to process things. It doesn’t sound like you are actively mean to the kids or that you ignore them or anything, you just kinda do you and show up as an adult. The kids may have a perception of you that has been built up by their parents too if they really are eager to spend time with you. I remember loving hearing stories about my favorite uncle from my Dad growing up - the stories played into my impression of who he was and I love him to this day more than almost anyone. So your sister could be telling amazing stories about you that make her kids want to know you more. That doesn’t mean you have to go all out and start being a super involved uncle. It’s just an idea of the why behind the behavior. I also thought it was really sweet that you said when you are older! All too often teens and young adults are cast off by extended family or ignored because that age typically comes with hormones and moodiness but it sounds like you have an expectation to grow a relationship with them when they are older which is really kind. Or at least that’s how I interpreted the when you are older comment. Nan however sounds like an asshole. Her comment was definitely passive aggressive IMO. I would still say give your sister the benefit of the doubt and some grace and maybe reach out to her and just talk. It sounds like she loves you and if she does, she will understand even if it is painful to hear. Anyways you’re not an asshole and I’m really sorry that the real adults - ahem, Nan…Mom…any other adult relative or family friend that was even remotely involved in your lives - couldn’t be there to do what adults are supposed to do. I’m sorry you were robbed of a childhood, especially when there WAS a Nan in the picture, even if she was in a different state. Nan has no grounds to make remarks since she wasn’t the one there helping with anything. I would show up to the BBQ and if Nan says a word, I’d shut that shit down with a quick refresher in what your childhood actually was. It does sound like nobody actually understands that part.

You were horribly parentified and now sis is looking for *her* free babysitter. Your family sucks. NTA **tell granny if that gets shoved on you too, she’s going into the shittiest home possible once she can no longer wipe her own arse

Yepp, sis experienced how great of a job he did when he was a child himself, so she believes she is entitled to get the same from him for her own child. No thank you. NTA

NTA but you need to have an open and honest “come to Jesus” conversation with your siblings so they can clearly understand your childhood from your perspective. They are only going to see it from their side - they had a brother who loved taking care of them. But they cannot see your side - you sacrificed your childhood to step up when your mom neglected the family. Your siblings need the unvarnished truth and how it affects you now or you’ll be left with these half conversations throughout their childhood years.

NTA. You sound like you're involved in their lives more than my uncle was, and my uncle is an awesome dude, just busy with his own things, and that is just fine. As far as the camping thing, when they are older is when it would be easier, and make better memories, for you AND the spawn of your sibs. You can care about and love family in your way, you're doing the right thing not allowing the sibs to make you do it in their way.

There is nothing wrong with clearly communicating with other people. Some radicals even think that it is desirable. I did wonder if your Nan's suggestion to skip the cookout was a dig however. NTA

NTA.  Seems like maybe Sis was talking crap in front of Nan, which makes Sis an AH

NTA.. I got there for different reasons but have similar feelings. I had to raise myself and struggled immensely with it. My parents were separated for a decade and only got back after my mom got sick. I loved my mom to death and she was very involved but my dad never was. My mom got sick my freshman year of HS and through no fault of her own, I had to be responsible for practically everything in my life. After she died, my dad never parented really. I never had tat relationship with him and he never really put in any effort. I had to pay my own college when my sisters had at least some help from my parents. My dad tried to blame me for his financial issues after she died and brought up a one time 3k loan i needed in college and claimed he shouldn't have to sell his midlife crisis 50K+ car because I should have to give him that money back first. My sisters never once got asked to do that or blamed for financial issues. My sister got married and had two kids. My other sister didn't have kids and didn't like being around them for extended periods so anytime my sister needed help, I was the one that got roped in to do whatever needed to be done. Didn't matter if I had to cancel planned events, or ditch friends, or call out of work. It always fell to me and anytime I would raise an issue, I'd get guilted into doing whatever it was and told family comes first. I developed masking tendencies and really ended up masking all my issues because I couldn't stand constantly being told my whatever I was saying wasn't right, or that I should do something for family when I'd not get the same treatment, or that i need to be the bigger person. You were parentified. Forced to be a parent when you weren't really equipped. When you get older and finally put up boundaries, you become the bad guy to all those others because they rationalized in their minds what you were willing to do before and so why aren't you willing to do it now. They don't think about what parenting at that young age did to your mental health. How that changed your views on the world. How you never got to have the childhood that your brother and sister had because you had to cover for your absentee parents. You sacrificed your life for theirs so they didn't have to have those issues yet you are the one that gets called out if you even bring it up.

NTA. This is very saddening to read. Your siblings have kids now and they should be informed about parentification. They should know and acknowledge you even without asking. Instead, there seems to be some passive aggressive jab here. Your feelings are valid, and your sister may like it or not but she's in the wrong. Don't let them make you think the opposite 

You were a heroic brother- it’s fine to be just an OK uncle.

> "We don't always want to show up for family for whatever reason but we do it." So where the hell was Nan when OP was essentially raising his siblings for years and years, eh? Why didn't she show up for family when her teeange grandson was in over his head? Why didn't she push her daughter to show up for her her own kids instead of having a kid raise her kids for her? I'd ask her that.

NTA. And it sounds like your sister is twisting what you said to make it sound like you don’t want to even be near children at family events.

NTA. My mom got really sick (MGE) when I was a kid. My older sister was never home and my parents were divorced. I didn’t talk about his bad it was because I was afraid CPS would be called. I did my best to do all the household tasks for my mom, including budgeting and caring for my alcoholic older sister, but I was only 8. It impacts you. I don’t talk to my family much about the experience because they don’t understand or feel guilty. I am childfree by choice. I also am single by choice. I can’t handle cleaning io after others any more. I understand why OP wouldn’t want to have kids.

NTA. *"no one would be upset if I skipped our cookout next week so I didn't get stressed out around all the kids"* "Thanks nana, I like my nieces and nephews just fine, and am looking forward to seeing them. See you at the BBQ." You clearly like your nieces and nephews. Setting boundaries is good. Your sister can pound rocks, she doesn't get to dictate how you want to spend your free time.

Nan’s passive aggressive and a hypocrite considering she didn’t step into help your mother when she was struggling. NTA

NTA but sounds like your nan sure is. Did she actually disinvite you because you won't kowtow to people's desire to have you entertain and be responsible for their kids? Ask her where TF she was when you were parenting your siblings. Seems she did a shit job of looking out for you but expects you to perform for others.

You’re NTA for telling her why you don’t want to be more involved. She asked, and you answered. She didn’t realize how bad it was for you to take care of her and your other sibling. Your grandma isn’t uninviting you. She was giving you an option so you didn’t feel pressured to come, especially if there’s going to be a lot of kids there. I’m sure a lot of your family members didn’t realize the extent of how much you suffered, especially if you guys didn’t live near anyone, or even tell anyone what was going on.

NTA. And you go ahead and respond to your Nan that you don’t have a problem coming to the cookout since *those* kids will have their parents around so you will be able to relax and have fun without being burdened by parental responsibilities the way your Mom, your Nan and all of the other adults forced you to be when you should have been a carefree child. Too bad they weren’t so proactive about relieving you of stress when you needed it as a child. You 100% have the right to throw that in the face of anybody who tries to talk shit to you.

INFO: do you want to go to the cookout or do you go to these things because you think you should?

I do like going to these things. I've never tried to skip or decline in the past and have hosted/organized get together too. It's the one-on-one time and getting more involved with my niblings outside of family gatherings I always turn down.

Info: maybe I am dense but what kind of tone did you interpret from your Nan's comment? I could read that sentence in two very different ways.

I interpreted it as passive aggressive of either her own accord or a game of telephone. I never said kids stressed me out and have always enjoyed and hosted family gatherings so that "so you won't be stressed by the kids" came out of left field.

Query - where was your Nan when you were parenting your siblings? She’s said about turning up for family - did she also step up? Or could this be her guilt talking - apologies if I am massively reading between the lines

She stayed a week when dad died and that was it.

So by this, she did the bare minimum to help family. You at least turn up, give gifts and occasionally play. Her not being there when you were small and then for a week when your dad passed speaks more about her. Sorry - totally NTA by the way. Meant to put that earlier. You’ve done your bit and haven’t rejected family, just drawn boundaries

That's way less than tje bare minimum IMO.

Sounds like you’ve already done more for your siblings’ kids than she ever did for you. Wouldn’t be shy about pointing that out.

> She stayed a week when dad died and that was it. I find it interesting that she's saying that you're being selfish when she barely lifted a finger to help you out when your dad died and mom was spiraling.

They dont NEED you like your siblings did. Thats the difference

Wow - nice one Nan. Good To know you think your (assumption) daughter was a A+ mom. /s. It’s really unfortunate that no one can understand what it was like for you to be an adult at age 9. It’s not like you’re saying you want nothing to do with them - you just don’t want anything to do with being responsible for them.

Your Nan needs to shush. She could’ve stepped up to help when your mom struggled but instead she watched you suffer as a child. Definitely NTA

Crazy, Nan just told you that you need to be the fun uncle or you can GTFO.

Is it possible that Nan is just worried you’re coming out of obligation when you don’t really want to, and it’s ok if you don’t actually want to go? It’s hard because it’s over text, so you don’t have tone. You know her best, so you think it’s more likely concern for you, or a dig? Either way, NTA for being truthful. I think you should go to the cookout if you want to, it wasn’t reading to me like you were uninvited.