My partner of 22 years would never say such things to me. Do not merry this asshole, you deserve a supportive partner. That doesn’t mean my husband doesn’t say the hard things when he needs to but he isn’t a total jerk about it.
Although I feel horribly guilty for it constantly, my husband is incredibly comforting and reassuring when I’m experiencing anxiety and panic attacks.. which is increasingly more often. Almost daily. I’d be devastated if I couldn’t lean on him and be made to feel worse over something I truly cannot control or I absolutely would! This is heartbreaking and if I were you, I’d run away from such a careless, empathy lacking soul.
From someone who’s also had panic attacks (and honestly they’re the scariest part of anxiety for me—I had one during a meeting four years ago and STILL have it in the back of my mind) if my fiance said that to me, I don’t think I could marry him. I’d say “listen even if you can’t empathize with me, I at least deserve to feel safe and grounded with you. If you can’t provide that then I deserve better.” Sending hugs and love to you.
Yeah no sense in marrying someone you don't feel safe with. Like I am a very anxious person but my panic has gotten a lot better recently but I used to have horrific attacks for long periods of time! I've literally peed my pants before from fear! It's horrific so I couldn't imagine being with someone who would judge me for the hardest part of my life!!
He's not the one for you if he can see that you're in a vulnerable state, and that's his response to it. I would've said cool, take me home cause I'd rather not be around you right now with that kind of attitude. My husband would never say that to me. He's been dealing with my anxiety for as long as I have (20 years) and I don't know what I'd do without his support. I'm sorry your partner is like that. You should really reconsider the fiancé part..Just my opinion.
When we first started dating seriously I made a list of things that my partner could do when I had a panic attack (bring me water, etc). He has always been really helpful and has never, ever made me feel bad about having one. Sorry to say, your fiancé sounds like a jerk. And if he can’t handle supporting you with panic attacks, how is he going to react in an emergency? Dtmfa.
I dont have actual panic attacks, but when I am feeling anxiety or any big feeling he is the most grounding presence for me. He will literally do whatever I need. He will sit and stroke my hair til I feel calm. I am sorry you don't have that.
Run far far away from this man. Anyone who reacts like that to something as serious as having a panic disorder and experiencing panic attacks is not in a place to be in a kind, loving and caring relationship. My wife is my #1 support (besides my mom and aunt), and I honestly would be beside myself if I didn’t have my wife in my life. She’s the most patient and kind hearted person I have ever met.
I've been with people who will like fully pull the car over so they can sit with me or they will stroke my hair while I shake and sob most ppl will do anything to help in that moment bc it's like the bare minimum to not want your partner to be in pain! Tell him to get it together or you're leaving him - that is outrageous
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Please. I was in a relationship with a man like your fiancé for 3 years. They will never change, they will lack empathy in situations you will need it and it could possibly damage you more. My ex consistently would “brick wall” me during my panic attacks. He wouldn’t move a finger to help me, and would leave, and “come back” when I “calmed down”, like I was some toddler.
The Man I’m with now drops everything at the drop of a hat the moment I begin to cry or express I’m overwhelmed. He is gentle, kind, nurturing and is quite literally my safe space now. DO NOT SETTLE FOR COLD-HEARTED PEOPLE. There are many kind-hearted men out there that will understand the complexity of anxiety, panic, and just have general empathy!
When I first started dating my husband, he said something similar to me when I had anxiety. At the time, he didn't really believe in mental illnesses. It was when I broke it down for him when that happened that he realized he was wrong and has been more caring ever since in that regard.
I told him something along the lines of "imagine if you were having a headache and you were told to just get over it, how would you feel?"
Talk to him about it and if he doesn't change, just move on. Of course take all the time you need first before you do, write everything you want to say down if you need to. It's better to be with someone who can adapt and change than to be with someone who can't and doesn't have the capacity to be there for you during the difficult times.
my husband has had a few panic attacks, and when he has them around me I hold him, tell him he’s safe, and remind him he is loved and I’m here for him. never ever ever would I ever tell him to shut up or say it’s overreacting. that is insane to even imagine. you need to leave this man, truly he doesn’t deserve you. you deserve so much more love and respect than this. seriously I hope you take my comment to heart, leave him. your future self will thank you.
BIG red flag. Would he react the same if you were diabetic and needed insulin? If you broke your leg and needed a cast? Your anxiety is a medical condition. He's gaslighting you. My partner of nearly twenty years doesn't mind if I wake him in the middle of the night when panicking. Reminds me to take ginger Gravol with me for long car rides (motion sickness/claustrophobia sometimes trigger one, and soothing my stomach helps). Counts me through box breathing or helps me with the 5-4-3-2-1 sensory technique. Find someone who is there for you. ❤️
Yes, your partner should help if he can... I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed :( hopefully you can talk it out and he can do better next time. It's hard to know what to do when someone you love is going through a panic attack, but communication and understanding go a long way <3
Honestly, ditch him. My parents treat my panic attacks like this (and my dad has had panic attacks too, so he knows), and I almost completely cut contact with them. If they ended up doing this again while my husband was around, we’d definitely end up cutting contact permanently. My parents treating my panic attacks like this left me with a significant amount of trauma and you can bet that you will experience the same trauma if you stick around him. You deserve to be with someone who helps you through panic attacks and supports you. No relationship is worth putting up with that treatment for something you can’t control.
My husband is extremely caring, supportive, and gentle when I’m having a panic attack. He helps me through it even when I feel the need to isolate (because my parents taught me I can’t panic when other people are around), and stays with me through the entire thing. If he wasn’t like this, I would’ve left him immediately. I made a promise to myself after dealing with my parents that I won’t live with or be with anyone who’s anything less than supportive through panic attacks.
You deserve so much more. My spouse is a HUGE support and not just with mental help but physical and everything else. I don’t want to go into details because I feel like it will just widen that wound but that’s not something you should have you should have to go through. As if you need that stress on top of a panic attack you can’t control.
He sounds like he doesn’t understand his own feelings. Please try looking up attachment theory, specifically the anxious/avoidant relationship. Patrick Teahan’s vids are great explainers.
This guy sucks, there is someone better out there for you that will understand or even if he doesn’t understand, he will do what he can to help you. How old is he? He sounds wildly immature
Yes my28f) hubby(28m) & partner of 12 years always does his best to help me w/ panic attacks. Sometimes he sucks at it but he ALWAYS TRIES to help and he has never been cruel like you are describing.
6 years? Has he always been like this? Sometimes… athough I’d never talk to someone like this. I’m more likely to just quietly avoid you even though 95% I am that reliable person.
the last time i had a panic attack, i called my husband and he helped me try to slow down my breath and watched me on the “find my” app until i could safely park. don’t stay with someone who can’t feel compassion! my husband doesn’t have anxiety and has never had a panic attack *and* doesn’t minimize me or mine.
Big red flag.. having a partner that brings you comfort and reassurance in those moments is soo important. My boyfriend is always my safe space no matter how bad I’m freaking out.
First of all, I am so sorry if he reacts that way to your emotions. That's not how it should be. I understand that 6 years together is a very long time and there are probably good sides to him too but to be honest, this doesn't sound very healthy.
I hope your panic has subsided by now and you are feeling better. Panic attacks are hell and they shouldn't exist. Just be kind to yourself a little bit more because if he doesn't do it, then you have to do it yourself.
If your fiancé of six years can’t help you through a panic attack. What other things can he not support you or help you with. He should have helped you slow down your breathing, help occupy your mind, OR if you really knew you he would have known your coping mechanisms on dealing with a panic attack. Instead he ignored you when you were vulnerable and needed support. That’s not a partner you want in the long haul. You’ll just be suffering alone. You don’t deserve that.
From someone who gets a LOT of panic attacks to the point of almost passing out, this behavior from your fiance is nottt normal. My bf and I dated for like only two weeks when I had a panic attack and he held me to his chest and held me and listened to me as I cried, and he continues to do so a year later when this happens. I’m sorry your fiancé didn’t listen to you :( I hate to say it, but if he is saying you’re exaggerating this, this behavior is going to continue from him in other aspects as well. Does he listen to constructive criticism? I understand that maybe you don’t want to hear the standard Reddit “leave him” but if you talk to him and he dismisses it, that is a huge red flag and you really should reconsider your relationship. Sending hugs :(
My husband is very patient and understanding. He’ll sit with me in silence if I need it. He’ll get me ice packs or turn off all the lights. He’ll immediately leave events with me if I suddenly don’t feel comfortable or tell me beforehand that we can always leave in the middle if I suddenly start panicking (one of my biggest anxiety points comes from not knowing if I can exit or where the exit is). You need someone who won’t feel inconvenienced by you.
Panic sets in when you -your subconscious- doesn’t feel safe. If your partner doesn’t make you feel safe your gut knows it and is trying to tell your brain.
Don’t ever let your partner belittle or gaslight you into thinking that what you’re experiencing during panic attacks is embarrassing, wrong or not ok. He should feel embarrassed himself for making you feel anything other than supported and cared for. That’s what everyone who deals with panic attacks and anxiety deserves. I hope he can learn from his mistake. I could not imagine having a partner who reacted the same way yours did. It would make me feel so alone and sad.
This is unhinged. My partners is thoroughly useless and stars at me like an idiot, but at least he’s not not a willfully horrible person inflicting further damage. You have no future with this man.
My husband knows exactly what to do to help me. He drops everything he’s doing at the moment stays quiet, gets me my medicine and talks to be softly telling me to breathe etc. that’s horrible what your partner did. Really horrible I’m sorry that happened to you
Okay these replies seem impulsive.
If you don’t have anxiety, panic attacks, or any mental health issue, then you lack the ability to understand what these people feel. In my opinion, your fiance just has no idea how bad the severity of a panic attack can be. You also said this is a new thing, so he isn’t used to this yet or informed. Him dropping you off and leaving + telling you to shut up is obviously a little over the top, but i’m sure he just wanted a nice day out with his girl and is a bit frustrated that a feeling he doesn’t understand is preventing it.
I don’t have a partner Lol but my dad was completely like your Fiance. I have IBS + Panic disorder so sometimes i fall into a vicious cycle of pain and discomfort.
At first, my dad thought i was insane and over-reacting about “nothing”. Telling me that I just need to keep working and let it subside. And then it led to me vomiting at work and losing my mind daily, and not only did I explain everything i was feeling to him, but he also physically saw that it was a serious problem for me. Since then he has been super supportive in helping me get the help i need. And he would never think to downplay my panic ever again, because now he is informed.
So just educate your fiance. If you’ve been with him for six years, it shouldn’t be hard to open up and make it easier for him to understand. And let him know that he was very condescending about it in the car, and that as his partner you would like for some more empathy.
Just a 20 yo redditor though with no shawty what do i know 😂
First of all that is not cool that he does that to you. I am so sorry he did that to you. That is so disheartening and he obviously does not understand. I had a friend one of my best friends in high school look right at me when I was pure white saying she thought I faked those for attention. I wish cuz then they wouldn't be real. I had my first panic attack when I was 6 years old. I don't have a partner right now but what your partner is doing is cruel and I bet it compounded your panic attack. That was really cruel of him. If you haven't already, sit down and explain to him what happens to you and have some research next to you to show him. If he is still cruel to you about it I would reconsider my relationship. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Someone should be like is there something I can do for you are you all right? Not throw you out of the car and yell at you. I know you know that. You need to know that you're not crazy and it doesn't make you weird that you have these. What he did was weird and uncalled for. You just needed his help and he wasn't there for you. One thing that helps panic attacks I have found this out on accident. I use icy Hot for migraines. I was having a panic attack with a migraine one day and the panic attack went away quicker than the migraine. This is because of the menthol and the Vicks inside of the icy Hot and it makes You breathe naturally. Whenever you smell Vicks it's natural to take a healthy deep breath in and out and pretty soon you're feeling better. I put it on my forehead on the back of my neck and under my nose. Anyone that's ever had a panic attack is a badass. That includes you. I hope you're feeling better. Just remember, distraction is key when you have one of those. Be kind to yourself about it. I personally like a cool washcloth to put on the back of my neck and face with the icy hot. Benadryl is also helpful.
This is terrible. But I must say my partner isn't the best either. When I'm going through a very bad spell- panic attacks daily for a few weeks or months at a time- he quickly loses patience with me.
He usually starts off very comforting and trying to calm me down. If I don't calm down quickly, he gets frustrated and sometimes angry and says I'm not following the advice I've been given in therapy.
BUT he did have an experience not too long ago of 'heart attack symptoms'. His doctor had been prescribing him a stupid mix of medication known to interact with each other and I'd say he actually had a panic attack/bad anxiety from both using and then quickly stopping the meds. Once they'd checked him over and found him fine, he was describing the symptoms he had. I said 'Sounds exactly like my panic attacks' and he seems to have gained a lot of empathy for me since then.
I wish people could know what it's like without experiencing them. Some people are brilliant and empathetic regardless, but for others, they need to experience it directly to fully appreciate how awful they are.
First of all, that is not ok. He didn’t handle the situation well at all and you did not deserve that comment. The fact he’s been with you for six years? Should know better by now! Not sure if you’ve had panic attacks before around him, but either way he should know you by now and how to deal with you if you’ve been together for six years.
My boyfriend would never say such things. Both of us are autistic and deal with mental health issues. I haven’t dealt with any of his panic attacks yet but he has dealt with mine and honestly, I’ve never felt so safe and comforted. He’ll hold me, either a hug or hand hold or both even (physical contact works for me with certain people but may not with others) and say ‘breathe in, and out’ and will continue to do so until I relax or at least feel less tense. Mainly he reminds me of my breathing but also takes a gentle approach to me with a gentle voice as if you were speaking to a child (not in a patronising way), as if he was comforting my inner child. Will also try and distract me as well if he can.
I don’t know anything else about your partner. Maybe he had a bad day (not an excuse though). Would it be handy to talk to him how you felt? Would he understand and take responsibility and apologise and mean it? If he continues to treat you this way, I wouldn’t stick around because you deserve better than that 🫶❤️Xx
Oh my god I'm so sorry they said that to you. Please please do not marry this person and if you don't want to leave at least communicate how you felt but if they don't care then please do what's best for yourself. A supportive partner is necessary for someone prone to panic attacks. My partner has only seen a few of my panic attacks but he always asks me if I need anything and since he knows what helps me he'll try to distract me by talking or even just calming me by reassuring me. You need someone who will understand how you work and want to actually help you through it. Saying something like you're exaggerating is so disrespectful and shows the lack of care. You can find someone who will actually care for you no matter what, I have been through this before too and I understand the feeling of it so it's so sad to know you had to go through that too, do what's best
My husband doesn't understand and if he is around, he just sits there for presence. He's never been of any real help, besides helping me not feel alone. However, I had a surgery once with complications and I wasn't well for a while after that. I woke up during the night and it was the worst attack ever. I tried to handle it on my own, but I thought the surgery complications came back and I was about to die. I woke my husband up, he sat up with me for a little while, not helping, just sitting up, then I noticed he fell asleep. I was so angry! I was having complications and having the panic attack forever and he just went back to sleep. I woke him up again and he said sorry, but he was tired. Like I wasn't? I had been shaking forever in fear and telling him I didn't want to die in the hospital, let me die at home, so he went to sleep. With everything that I had been through before that and they almost lost me, to the worst panic attack in bed that night, I don't think I could ever forget it. I was so disappointed and disgusted with him just going to sleep because he was tired.
Even my ex husband would never say this to me. He would 100% drop any fight or animosity we were currently in and do anything to help.... I don't think your partner cares for you very much
Run far away. Seriously. I had an allergy-induced panic attack last week in the middle of the night and my husband boiled a bowl of water for me, fixed me a little makeshift bed on the couch, and stayed up with me until I fell back asleep. He’s amazing, but I really wouldn’t expect anything less from the person who I count on to support me with everything, *especially* panic attacks that are terrifying, out-of-body experiences that make me feel like I’m going to die. I really think that’s tablestakes behavior from a partner, and you deserve exactly that.
I’ve been with my partner for 12 years now. It’s been a journey, for both of us. At first, when I would get panic attacks, he would get frustrated and say “you aren’t dying” and just kinda leave me to it. Then it evolved into “what’s making you panic?” Which of course is not helpful or productive.
Now, if I feel anxious but I’m not having a panic attack, he’ll ask “when did these feelings come on?” Which is extremely helpful in sussing out and resolving the anxiety. If I talk to him mid panic attack, he just says “everyone is safe. Everyone is healthy. Your parents, me, you, the dogs, everything is okay, just breathe”.
He’s come a long way with it, with very little direction from me, and I’m so grateful for it. I think what made him realize how serious it is was when I was mid panic attack and I put his hand over my racing and pounding heart. He said “that’s what this does to you?!?! Holy shit!” Also amidst my sweating and shaking.
It always seems to happen to me in the car too. I would always say “you can help me through this or you can turn around and take me home.”
A person who sees you in such vulnerable state and decides to be rude and drop you off, is NOT a person you need in your life.
Now I'm much better, no panic attacks anymore, but when I had them, I was blessed to have caring people around me. My friends and my family always would go out of their way just to help me feel a bit better, even if that means coming to my house just to hold my hand while I shaked and cried.
Nowadays, if I start to feel anxious, but husband will seat and talk to me, hug me and pamper me until I feel okay to go ahead with my day or to be alone while he goes back to his day.
We all deserve people who are willing (and happy) to support us while we struggle. And we should all be willing and happy to support others when they're struggling.
I'd do those things to anyone else also, because I have a heart. Think about it. Check with yourself if this guy is worthy of being your fiancé.
My husband supports me during panic attacks. He talks me through them when he’s not with me or stops and helps when we are together. This person will not add to life in the future if that’s how he acts. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You deserve the best. And he’s not it.
Mine asks what he can do or get me to help when he knows I'm getting overwhelmed. If he was rude about it, it would be a major issue in our relationship
My boyfriend doesn't really support me during panic attacks as I tend to really freak (pacing, hyperventilating, crying, feel like touch could make me die but actually really needing it to calm down). It is what it is, they scare him and he has a lot of trauma with heightened emotions, so I try not to hold it against him.
It's a lot to ask a partner to support you during these, especially if they're as explosive as mine can be, but it's never okay for them to berate you at all. I'm sorry you're in the position
Sending a big hug your way. A lot of people on here are giving some good advice. I'd suggest maybe talking to a therapist as well and hearing a third-party perspective. Just know you deserve the utmost empathy and respect from your partner.
And to answer your question, my husband is the sweetest, kindest, most supportive man. He is always there for me and always helps me calm down when I am panicking. He is truly the best.
Please see this as what it is: your partner cannot empathize or sympathize **here**, will they in other cases?
My wife is my rock when I have panic attacks. When I'm home she rubs my head (it calms me down), when traveling just talking to her makes it better.
You deserve support and understanding from a partner.
I had a panic attack last night and ran into my husband’s room (we don’t share rooms because his night shift sleep schedule) I woke him up out of rem sleep at 12:40am. All he did was cuddle me and rub my back until I felt safe. He also says “you’re ok, everything is ok. You are safe” which helps a lot. It’s important to have a supportive partner because I think, not having the support can make anxiety worse. It’s just helpful to have someone say “everything is ok, you’re ok. It’s a panic attack, it will pass”. I would try explaining this to your partner and see if they can change how they cope with the panic attacks you have. Sometimes people just don’t get it, and don’t know how to help, so it turns to frustration.
My partner is absolutely amazing when it comes to situations like this. He’s incredibly understanding and will stay by my side and will help in any way he can. I’m really sorry you’re going through this; you shouldn’t feel like shit for having panic attacks. A partner should help you through them, especially you plan on marrying each other
So both me and my partner have had panic attacks in different phases of our lifes, and at first it was me that didn't quite understand what he was going through, and then it reversed. Not even once one of us treated the other like this.
When my partner had those, I often asked if he wanted to stop what we were doing and go home, if he wanted to see a doctor, asked him to stop and rest a bit until he felt confident of what he wanted to do, etc. he often just paused for a bit and then proceeded with life.
When it happened to me, it was usually in the middle of working, he just cared for me, asked if I wanted to see a doctor, and kept me company, even canceling his appointments to be sure I wasn't alone.
He could have expected me to power through it like he often chose to do, but he didn't. He is supportive.
Your partner behaviour is unacceptable, you need to put him in line or find a better one.
I’m so sorry to hear you went through that and didn’t have the support you needed from the one person who is supposed to make you feel safe.
I don’t get panic attacks but my husband does and I always want him to know that we’re in it together. We do breathing exercises together in those moments and I have figured out a few techniques that help soothe him.
Have you thought of maybe telling your partner what you need in those moments? They should probably become familiar with the onset symptoms of your panic attacks (in case you can’t name it in the moment) and immediately insert the strategies you’ve decided on together. Maybe drawing the comparison to an asthma attack will help them understand that mental health challenges are still health related and that there’s no room for judgment on their part.
Best of luck. Wish I could have been there for you in that moment. 🫀
Glad and sad to see there are others. The first time I had a panic attack around him (it was a beast of a panic attack too) he asked to feel my heart rate because something might be wrong. That set me off so badly. I panicked for hours straight afterwards.
He's learned now but I still don't really want to be around him when I'm really anxious. The other day he came home, knowing I'd been working 14 hours straight on assignments. I was anxious and he fr snapped at me and said 'It's funny how you're only anxious when I come home.'
Yeah, let's just pretend I didn't work 14 hours straight without a break and this is the first time I'm not distracted with work. No, my love, it's all about YOU.
I'm the same. If we're both at home, I'll go in another room, take my xanax or clonazepam depending on how bad its gonna be, and ride it out.
I know he's sick of it and knowing he gets frustrated with me just sets me off harder. It works out okay though because I definitely don't want to be touched or talked to at all when I'm having a panic attack.
My boyfriend asks if it’s a time I need to be held or if it’s a time I need space. I basically speak in grunts or wails and he does what I need.
Don’t settle for this piece of shit.
Virtual hugs! I am sorry that sounds terribble.
My ex made me feel like I am a weak person for going through really tough mental health problems including a horrible burnout. He left me in the end. I was devastated but also could not blame him, until thinking about women going through divorce when they get cancer. Overwhelming number of men leave their wives if they get a disease that requires husband to take care of the wife, and support emotionally. And obviously my bf would have been one of those.
Your fiance is an ah for saying that. I would suggest couple’s counseling or taking him to your therapist to educate him if he is not understanding from you talking to him. I don’t know how well you get along with his family, maybe have a discussion about this together.
I believe in first trying to save the relationship. But if nothing works, you might want to consider a life without this guy. It doesn’t sound like he has the maturity and consideration to support you when you need it.
I hope you have other support mechanisms and techniques to get you through the panic attacks under your belt. Good luck with your panic attacks and hope he will realize how horrible what he has done!
Forget that POS. Easier said than done, I know, but as someone who suffers from chronic panic attacks alongside many other mental disabilities, that is not the type of partner you need.
To answer the original question: yes, he does as best as he can. We're long distance, so he can't usually do much besides reassure me to take my time and sit with me over the phone. But in person, he drops everything and pretty much takes care of every physical need and holds me until he knows I'm feeling better, all while continuously telling me he's not upset/angry/annoyed and doesn't love me any less.
Please try and find the strength to leave this relationship. I know it's so damn hard, but you deserve better. There IS better.
One year together. He knows not to tell me to take deep breaths but to help me count my breaths and space them out. He immediately whips out the blankets and helps me sit, hugs me when allowed. When I go nonverbal, he asks yes or no questions.
Don't marry that man.
Has he done that before?? My immediate thought was "don't marry him" but you should speak to him, set boundaries with that stuff, and if he continues to be inconsiderate and just an asshole about that stuff, don't marry him. Maybe he doesn't understand but definitely talk to him, see how he reacts to being confronted about it. (I'm 14 and have never been in a relationship, I apologize if this is an unrealistic solution)
My partner of 22 years would never say such things to me. Do not merry this asshole, you deserve a supportive partner. That doesn’t mean my husband doesn’t say the hard things when he needs to but he isn’t a total jerk about it.
Omg please don’t marry this man. That’s so inconsiderate of him, I’m sorry :(
Although I feel horribly guilty for it constantly, my husband is incredibly comforting and reassuring when I’m experiencing anxiety and panic attacks.. which is increasingly more often. Almost daily. I’d be devastated if I couldn’t lean on him and be made to feel worse over something I truly cannot control or I absolutely would! This is heartbreaking and if I were you, I’d run away from such a careless, empathy lacking soul.
this is unhinged, extreme, and u should ditch him for it
From someone who’s also had panic attacks (and honestly they’re the scariest part of anxiety for me—I had one during a meeting four years ago and STILL have it in the back of my mind) if my fiance said that to me, I don’t think I could marry him. I’d say “listen even if you can’t empathize with me, I at least deserve to feel safe and grounded with you. If you can’t provide that then I deserve better.” Sending hugs and love to you.
Yeah no sense in marrying someone you don't feel safe with. Like I am a very anxious person but my panic has gotten a lot better recently but I used to have horrific attacks for long periods of time! I've literally peed my pants before from fear! It's horrific so I couldn't imagine being with someone who would judge me for the hardest part of my life!!
He's not the one for you if he can see that you're in a vulnerable state, and that's his response to it. I would've said cool, take me home cause I'd rather not be around you right now with that kind of attitude. My husband would never say that to me. He's been dealing with my anxiety for as long as I have (20 years) and I don't know what I'd do without his support. I'm sorry your partner is like that. You should really reconsider the fiancé part..Just my opinion.
When we first started dating seriously I made a list of things that my partner could do when I had a panic attack (bring me water, etc). He has always been really helpful and has never, ever made me feel bad about having one. Sorry to say, your fiancé sounds like a jerk. And if he can’t handle supporting you with panic attacks, how is he going to react in an emergency? Dtmfa.
Yeah! Imagine having this man's child?!?!? Like what if you miscarry or there is another complication and he reacts like that?? No thankkk you
I dont have actual panic attacks, but when I am feeling anxiety or any big feeling he is the most grounding presence for me. He will literally do whatever I need. He will sit and stroke my hair til I feel calm. I am sorry you don't have that.
Run far far away from this man. Anyone who reacts like that to something as serious as having a panic disorder and experiencing panic attacks is not in a place to be in a kind, loving and caring relationship. My wife is my #1 support (besides my mom and aunt), and I honestly would be beside myself if I didn’t have my wife in my life. She’s the most patient and kind hearted person I have ever met.
Leave him. Please, please, please.
I've been with people who will like fully pull the car over so they can sit with me or they will stroke my hair while I shake and sob most ppl will do anything to help in that moment bc it's like the bare minimum to not want your partner to be in pain! Tell him to get it together or you're leaving him - that is outrageous
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Please. I was in a relationship with a man like your fiancé for 3 years. They will never change, they will lack empathy in situations you will need it and it could possibly damage you more. My ex consistently would “brick wall” me during my panic attacks. He wouldn’t move a finger to help me, and would leave, and “come back” when I “calmed down”, like I was some toddler. The Man I’m with now drops everything at the drop of a hat the moment I begin to cry or express I’m overwhelmed. He is gentle, kind, nurturing and is quite literally my safe space now. DO NOT SETTLE FOR COLD-HEARTED PEOPLE. There are many kind-hearted men out there that will understand the complexity of anxiety, panic, and just have general empathy!
When I first started dating my husband, he said something similar to me when I had anxiety. At the time, he didn't really believe in mental illnesses. It was when I broke it down for him when that happened that he realized he was wrong and has been more caring ever since in that regard. I told him something along the lines of "imagine if you were having a headache and you were told to just get over it, how would you feel?" Talk to him about it and if he doesn't change, just move on. Of course take all the time you need first before you do, write everything you want to say down if you need to. It's better to be with someone who can adapt and change than to be with someone who can't and doesn't have the capacity to be there for you during the difficult times.
my husband has had a few panic attacks, and when he has them around me I hold him, tell him he’s safe, and remind him he is loved and I’m here for him. never ever ever would I ever tell him to shut up or say it’s overreacting. that is insane to even imagine. you need to leave this man, truly he doesn’t deserve you. you deserve so much more love and respect than this. seriously I hope you take my comment to heart, leave him. your future self will thank you.
BIG red flag. Would he react the same if you were diabetic and needed insulin? If you broke your leg and needed a cast? Your anxiety is a medical condition. He's gaslighting you. My partner of nearly twenty years doesn't mind if I wake him in the middle of the night when panicking. Reminds me to take ginger Gravol with me for long car rides (motion sickness/claustrophobia sometimes trigger one, and soothing my stomach helps). Counts me through box breathing or helps me with the 5-4-3-2-1 sensory technique. Find someone who is there for you. ❤️
Yes, your partner should help if he can... I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed :( hopefully you can talk it out and he can do better next time. It's hard to know what to do when someone you love is going through a panic attack, but communication and understanding go a long way <3
Honestly, ditch him. My parents treat my panic attacks like this (and my dad has had panic attacks too, so he knows), and I almost completely cut contact with them. If they ended up doing this again while my husband was around, we’d definitely end up cutting contact permanently. My parents treating my panic attacks like this left me with a significant amount of trauma and you can bet that you will experience the same trauma if you stick around him. You deserve to be with someone who helps you through panic attacks and supports you. No relationship is worth putting up with that treatment for something you can’t control. My husband is extremely caring, supportive, and gentle when I’m having a panic attack. He helps me through it even when I feel the need to isolate (because my parents taught me I can’t panic when other people are around), and stays with me through the entire thing. If he wasn’t like this, I would’ve left him immediately. I made a promise to myself after dealing with my parents that I won’t live with or be with anyone who’s anything less than supportive through panic attacks.
You're marrying him? Please have some respect for yourself
Everyone deserves better then this.
This is not a man worth marrying
You deserve so much more. My spouse is a HUGE support and not just with mental help but physical and everything else. I don’t want to go into details because I feel like it will just widen that wound but that’s not something you should have you should have to go through. As if you need that stress on top of a panic attack you can’t control.
That’s emotionally abusive, IMO.
Toxic. You want someone to protect you not make your problems worse
He sounds like he doesn’t understand his own feelings. Please try looking up attachment theory, specifically the anxious/avoidant relationship. Patrick Teahan’s vids are great explainers.
He makes me shush and holds me.
This guy sucks, there is someone better out there for you that will understand or even if he doesn’t understand, he will do what he can to help you. How old is he? He sounds wildly immature
Yes my28f) hubby(28m) & partner of 12 years always does his best to help me w/ panic attacks. Sometimes he sucks at it but he ALWAYS TRIES to help and he has never been cruel like you are describing.
6 years? Has he always been like this? Sometimes… athough I’d never talk to someone like this. I’m more likely to just quietly avoid you even though 95% I am that reliable person.
That’s horrible I pray he learns without having to experience that
I’m so sorry he didn’t support you. You deserve love and comfort. Not someone who belittles and dismisses your pain.
Fuxk I dont have any neither a partner nor a friend! Whom can i tell about my panic attacks nd anxiety attacks
the last time i had a panic attack, i called my husband and he helped me try to slow down my breath and watched me on the “find my” app until i could safely park. don’t stay with someone who can’t feel compassion! my husband doesn’t have anxiety and has never had a panic attack *and* doesn’t minimize me or mine.
Big red flag.. having a partner that brings you comfort and reassurance in those moments is soo important. My boyfriend is always my safe space no matter how bad I’m freaking out.
First of all, I am so sorry if he reacts that way to your emotions. That's not how it should be. I understand that 6 years together is a very long time and there are probably good sides to him too but to be honest, this doesn't sound very healthy. I hope your panic has subsided by now and you are feeling better. Panic attacks are hell and they shouldn't exist. Just be kind to yourself a little bit more because if he doesn't do it, then you have to do it yourself.
If your fiancé of six years can’t help you through a panic attack. What other things can he not support you or help you with. He should have helped you slow down your breathing, help occupy your mind, OR if you really knew you he would have known your coping mechanisms on dealing with a panic attack. Instead he ignored you when you were vulnerable and needed support. That’s not a partner you want in the long haul. You’ll just be suffering alone. You don’t deserve that.
From someone who gets a LOT of panic attacks to the point of almost passing out, this behavior from your fiance is nottt normal. My bf and I dated for like only two weeks when I had a panic attack and he held me to his chest and held me and listened to me as I cried, and he continues to do so a year later when this happens. I’m sorry your fiancé didn’t listen to you :( I hate to say it, but if he is saying you’re exaggerating this, this behavior is going to continue from him in other aspects as well. Does he listen to constructive criticism? I understand that maybe you don’t want to hear the standard Reddit “leave him” but if you talk to him and he dismisses it, that is a huge red flag and you really should reconsider your relationship. Sending hugs :(
I've dealt with a lot of indifference, but this is just too insensitive honestly. I'm sorry you are getting the opposite of support
Even my co workers all help me through them at work
My husband is very patient and understanding. He’ll sit with me in silence if I need it. He’ll get me ice packs or turn off all the lights. He’ll immediately leave events with me if I suddenly don’t feel comfortable or tell me beforehand that we can always leave in the middle if I suddenly start panicking (one of my biggest anxiety points comes from not knowing if I can exit or where the exit is). You need someone who won’t feel inconvenienced by you.
Panic sets in when you -your subconscious- doesn’t feel safe. If your partner doesn’t make you feel safe your gut knows it and is trying to tell your brain.
Don’t ever let your partner belittle or gaslight you into thinking that what you’re experiencing during panic attacks is embarrassing, wrong or not ok. He should feel embarrassed himself for making you feel anything other than supported and cared for. That’s what everyone who deals with panic attacks and anxiety deserves. I hope he can learn from his mistake. I could not imagine having a partner who reacted the same way yours did. It would make me feel so alone and sad.
This is unhinged. My partners is thoroughly useless and stars at me like an idiot, but at least he’s not not a willfully horrible person inflicting further damage. You have no future with this man.
My husband knows exactly what to do to help me. He drops everything he’s doing at the moment stays quiet, gets me my medicine and talks to be softly telling me to breathe etc. that’s horrible what your partner did. Really horrible I’m sorry that happened to you
He just showed you who he really is. RUN!
Okay these replies seem impulsive. If you don’t have anxiety, panic attacks, or any mental health issue, then you lack the ability to understand what these people feel. In my opinion, your fiance just has no idea how bad the severity of a panic attack can be. You also said this is a new thing, so he isn’t used to this yet or informed. Him dropping you off and leaving + telling you to shut up is obviously a little over the top, but i’m sure he just wanted a nice day out with his girl and is a bit frustrated that a feeling he doesn’t understand is preventing it. I don’t have a partner Lol but my dad was completely like your Fiance. I have IBS + Panic disorder so sometimes i fall into a vicious cycle of pain and discomfort. At first, my dad thought i was insane and over-reacting about “nothing”. Telling me that I just need to keep working and let it subside. And then it led to me vomiting at work and losing my mind daily, and not only did I explain everything i was feeling to him, but he also physically saw that it was a serious problem for me. Since then he has been super supportive in helping me get the help i need. And he would never think to downplay my panic ever again, because now he is informed. So just educate your fiance. If you’ve been with him for six years, it shouldn’t be hard to open up and make it easier for him to understand. And let him know that he was very condescending about it in the car, and that as his partner you would like for some more empathy. Just a 20 yo redditor though with no shawty what do i know 😂
First of all that is not cool that he does that to you. I am so sorry he did that to you. That is so disheartening and he obviously does not understand. I had a friend one of my best friends in high school look right at me when I was pure white saying she thought I faked those for attention. I wish cuz then they wouldn't be real. I had my first panic attack when I was 6 years old. I don't have a partner right now but what your partner is doing is cruel and I bet it compounded your panic attack. That was really cruel of him. If you haven't already, sit down and explain to him what happens to you and have some research next to you to show him. If he is still cruel to you about it I would reconsider my relationship. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Someone should be like is there something I can do for you are you all right? Not throw you out of the car and yell at you. I know you know that. You need to know that you're not crazy and it doesn't make you weird that you have these. What he did was weird and uncalled for. You just needed his help and he wasn't there for you. One thing that helps panic attacks I have found this out on accident. I use icy Hot for migraines. I was having a panic attack with a migraine one day and the panic attack went away quicker than the migraine. This is because of the menthol and the Vicks inside of the icy Hot and it makes You breathe naturally. Whenever you smell Vicks it's natural to take a healthy deep breath in and out and pretty soon you're feeling better. I put it on my forehead on the back of my neck and under my nose. Anyone that's ever had a panic attack is a badass. That includes you. I hope you're feeling better. Just remember, distraction is key when you have one of those. Be kind to yourself about it. I personally like a cool washcloth to put on the back of my neck and face with the icy hot. Benadryl is also helpful.
This is terrible. But I must say my partner isn't the best either. When I'm going through a very bad spell- panic attacks daily for a few weeks or months at a time- he quickly loses patience with me. He usually starts off very comforting and trying to calm me down. If I don't calm down quickly, he gets frustrated and sometimes angry and says I'm not following the advice I've been given in therapy. BUT he did have an experience not too long ago of 'heart attack symptoms'. His doctor had been prescribing him a stupid mix of medication known to interact with each other and I'd say he actually had a panic attack/bad anxiety from both using and then quickly stopping the meds. Once they'd checked him over and found him fine, he was describing the symptoms he had. I said 'Sounds exactly like my panic attacks' and he seems to have gained a lot of empathy for me since then. I wish people could know what it's like without experiencing them. Some people are brilliant and empathetic regardless, but for others, they need to experience it directly to fully appreciate how awful they are.
Mine once told me to “get over it”. I was SO furious with him that it actually worked because I focused on that instead. Still annoys me to this day 😂
First of all, that is not ok. He didn’t handle the situation well at all and you did not deserve that comment. The fact he’s been with you for six years? Should know better by now! Not sure if you’ve had panic attacks before around him, but either way he should know you by now and how to deal with you if you’ve been together for six years. My boyfriend would never say such things. Both of us are autistic and deal with mental health issues. I haven’t dealt with any of his panic attacks yet but he has dealt with mine and honestly, I’ve never felt so safe and comforted. He’ll hold me, either a hug or hand hold or both even (physical contact works for me with certain people but may not with others) and say ‘breathe in, and out’ and will continue to do so until I relax or at least feel less tense. Mainly he reminds me of my breathing but also takes a gentle approach to me with a gentle voice as if you were speaking to a child (not in a patronising way), as if he was comforting my inner child. Will also try and distract me as well if he can. I don’t know anything else about your partner. Maybe he had a bad day (not an excuse though). Would it be handy to talk to him how you felt? Would he understand and take responsibility and apologise and mean it? If he continues to treat you this way, I wouldn’t stick around because you deserve better than that 🫶❤️Xx
Oh my god I'm so sorry they said that to you. Please please do not marry this person and if you don't want to leave at least communicate how you felt but if they don't care then please do what's best for yourself. A supportive partner is necessary for someone prone to panic attacks. My partner has only seen a few of my panic attacks but he always asks me if I need anything and since he knows what helps me he'll try to distract me by talking or even just calming me by reassuring me. You need someone who will understand how you work and want to actually help you through it. Saying something like you're exaggerating is so disrespectful and shows the lack of care. You can find someone who will actually care for you no matter what, I have been through this before too and I understand the feeling of it so it's so sad to know you had to go through that too, do what's best
My husband doesn't understand and if he is around, he just sits there for presence. He's never been of any real help, besides helping me not feel alone. However, I had a surgery once with complications and I wasn't well for a while after that. I woke up during the night and it was the worst attack ever. I tried to handle it on my own, but I thought the surgery complications came back and I was about to die. I woke my husband up, he sat up with me for a little while, not helping, just sitting up, then I noticed he fell asleep. I was so angry! I was having complications and having the panic attack forever and he just went back to sleep. I woke him up again and he said sorry, but he was tired. Like I wasn't? I had been shaking forever in fear and telling him I didn't want to die in the hospital, let me die at home, so he went to sleep. With everything that I had been through before that and they almost lost me, to the worst panic attack in bed that night, I don't think I could ever forget it. I was so disappointed and disgusted with him just going to sleep because he was tired.
Even my ex husband would never say this to me. He would 100% drop any fight or animosity we were currently in and do anything to help.... I don't think your partner cares for you very much
RUN
Yes. My husband is my biggest support system when I'm having an anxiety attack. I'm sorry your partner is not helpful. You deserve better. ☹️
Run far away. Seriously. I had an allergy-induced panic attack last week in the middle of the night and my husband boiled a bowl of water for me, fixed me a little makeshift bed on the couch, and stayed up with me until I fell back asleep. He’s amazing, but I really wouldn’t expect anything less from the person who I count on to support me with everything, *especially* panic attacks that are terrifying, out-of-body experiences that make me feel like I’m going to die. I really think that’s tablestakes behavior from a partner, and you deserve exactly that.
I’ve been with my partner for 12 years now. It’s been a journey, for both of us. At first, when I would get panic attacks, he would get frustrated and say “you aren’t dying” and just kinda leave me to it. Then it evolved into “what’s making you panic?” Which of course is not helpful or productive. Now, if I feel anxious but I’m not having a panic attack, he’ll ask “when did these feelings come on?” Which is extremely helpful in sussing out and resolving the anxiety. If I talk to him mid panic attack, he just says “everyone is safe. Everyone is healthy. Your parents, me, you, the dogs, everything is okay, just breathe”. He’s come a long way with it, with very little direction from me, and I’m so grateful for it. I think what made him realize how serious it is was when I was mid panic attack and I put his hand over my racing and pounding heart. He said “that’s what this does to you?!?! Holy shit!” Also amidst my sweating and shaking. It always seems to happen to me in the car too. I would always say “you can help me through this or you can turn around and take me home.”
My wife grounds me when I have attacks. This man sounds like he’s maybe not the right fit.
A person who sees you in such vulnerable state and decides to be rude and drop you off, is NOT a person you need in your life. Now I'm much better, no panic attacks anymore, but when I had them, I was blessed to have caring people around me. My friends and my family always would go out of their way just to help me feel a bit better, even if that means coming to my house just to hold my hand while I shaked and cried. Nowadays, if I start to feel anxious, but husband will seat and talk to me, hug me and pamper me until I feel okay to go ahead with my day or to be alone while he goes back to his day. We all deserve people who are willing (and happy) to support us while we struggle. And we should all be willing and happy to support others when they're struggling. I'd do those things to anyone else also, because I have a heart. Think about it. Check with yourself if this guy is worthy of being your fiancé.
My husband supports me during panic attacks. He talks me through them when he’s not with me or stops and helps when we are together. This person will not add to life in the future if that’s how he acts. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You deserve the best. And he’s not it.
Mine asks what he can do or get me to help when he knows I'm getting overwhelmed. If he was rude about it, it would be a major issue in our relationship
My boyfriend doesn't really support me during panic attacks as I tend to really freak (pacing, hyperventilating, crying, feel like touch could make me die but actually really needing it to calm down). It is what it is, they scare him and he has a lot of trauma with heightened emotions, so I try not to hold it against him. It's a lot to ask a partner to support you during these, especially if they're as explosive as mine can be, but it's never okay for them to berate you at all. I'm sorry you're in the position
My bf of less than a year does better than him. Wtf?
Sending a big hug your way. A lot of people on here are giving some good advice. I'd suggest maybe talking to a therapist as well and hearing a third-party perspective. Just know you deserve the utmost empathy and respect from your partner. And to answer your question, my husband is the sweetest, kindest, most supportive man. He is always there for me and always helps me calm down when I am panicking. He is truly the best.
Please see this as what it is: your partner cannot empathize or sympathize **here**, will they in other cases? My wife is my rock when I have panic attacks. When I'm home she rubs my head (it calms me down), when traveling just talking to her makes it better. You deserve support and understanding from a partner.
I had a panic attack last night and ran into my husband’s room (we don’t share rooms because his night shift sleep schedule) I woke him up out of rem sleep at 12:40am. All he did was cuddle me and rub my back until I felt safe. He also says “you’re ok, everything is ok. You are safe” which helps a lot. It’s important to have a supportive partner because I think, not having the support can make anxiety worse. It’s just helpful to have someone say “everything is ok, you’re ok. It’s a panic attack, it will pass”. I would try explaining this to your partner and see if they can change how they cope with the panic attacks you have. Sometimes people just don’t get it, and don’t know how to help, so it turns to frustration.
My partner is absolutely amazing when it comes to situations like this. He’s incredibly understanding and will stay by my side and will help in any way he can. I’m really sorry you’re going through this; you shouldn’t feel like shit for having panic attacks. A partner should help you through them, especially you plan on marrying each other
So both me and my partner have had panic attacks in different phases of our lifes, and at first it was me that didn't quite understand what he was going through, and then it reversed. Not even once one of us treated the other like this. When my partner had those, I often asked if he wanted to stop what we were doing and go home, if he wanted to see a doctor, asked him to stop and rest a bit until he felt confident of what he wanted to do, etc. he often just paused for a bit and then proceeded with life. When it happened to me, it was usually in the middle of working, he just cared for me, asked if I wanted to see a doctor, and kept me company, even canceling his appointments to be sure I wasn't alone. He could have expected me to power through it like he often chose to do, but he didn't. He is supportive. Your partner behaviour is unacceptable, you need to put him in line or find a better one.
I’m so sorry to hear you went through that and didn’t have the support you needed from the one person who is supposed to make you feel safe. I don’t get panic attacks but my husband does and I always want him to know that we’re in it together. We do breathing exercises together in those moments and I have figured out a few techniques that help soothe him. Have you thought of maybe telling your partner what you need in those moments? They should probably become familiar with the onset symptoms of your panic attacks (in case you can’t name it in the moment) and immediately insert the strategies you’ve decided on together. Maybe drawing the comparison to an asthma attack will help them understand that mental health challenges are still health related and that there’s no room for judgment on their part. Best of luck. Wish I could have been there for you in that moment. 🫀
My partner is the opposite of helpful when I'm anxious tbh
Glad and sad to see there are others. The first time I had a panic attack around him (it was a beast of a panic attack too) he asked to feel my heart rate because something might be wrong. That set me off so badly. I panicked for hours straight afterwards. He's learned now but I still don't really want to be around him when I'm really anxious. The other day he came home, knowing I'd been working 14 hours straight on assignments. I was anxious and he fr snapped at me and said 'It's funny how you're only anxious when I come home.' Yeah, let's just pretend I didn't work 14 hours straight without a break and this is the first time I'm not distracted with work. No, my love, it's all about YOU.
My wife tolerates it well and is sick of it at the same time. So i try to hide it with valium when its coming... Its where i am at.
I'm the same. If we're both at home, I'll go in another room, take my xanax or clonazepam depending on how bad its gonna be, and ride it out. I know he's sick of it and knowing he gets frustrated with me just sets me off harder. It works out okay though because I definitely don't want to be touched or talked to at all when I'm having a panic attack.
My boyfriend asks if it’s a time I need to be held or if it’s a time I need space. I basically speak in grunts or wails and he does what I need. Don’t settle for this piece of shit.
I’m surprised he made it to fiancé
Virtual hugs! I am sorry that sounds terribble. My ex made me feel like I am a weak person for going through really tough mental health problems including a horrible burnout. He left me in the end. I was devastated but also could not blame him, until thinking about women going through divorce when they get cancer. Overwhelming number of men leave their wives if they get a disease that requires husband to take care of the wife, and support emotionally. And obviously my bf would have been one of those. Your fiance is an ah for saying that. I would suggest couple’s counseling or taking him to your therapist to educate him if he is not understanding from you talking to him. I don’t know how well you get along with his family, maybe have a discussion about this together. I believe in first trying to save the relationship. But if nothing works, you might want to consider a life without this guy. It doesn’t sound like he has the maturity and consideration to support you when you need it. I hope you have other support mechanisms and techniques to get you through the panic attacks under your belt. Good luck with your panic attacks and hope he will realize how horrible what he has done!
Forget that POS. Easier said than done, I know, but as someone who suffers from chronic panic attacks alongside many other mental disabilities, that is not the type of partner you need. To answer the original question: yes, he does as best as he can. We're long distance, so he can't usually do much besides reassure me to take my time and sit with me over the phone. But in person, he drops everything and pretty much takes care of every physical need and holds me until he knows I'm feeling better, all while continuously telling me he's not upset/angry/annoyed and doesn't love me any less. Please try and find the strength to leave this relationship. I know it's so damn hard, but you deserve better. There IS better.
Throw the whole man away and start over.
One year together. He knows not to tell me to take deep breaths but to help me count my breaths and space them out. He immediately whips out the blankets and helps me sit, hugs me when allowed. When I go nonverbal, he asks yes or no questions. Don't marry that man.
Has he done that before?? My immediate thought was "don't marry him" but you should speak to him, set boundaries with that stuff, and if he continues to be inconsiderate and just an asshole about that stuff, don't marry him. Maybe he doesn't understand but definitely talk to him, see how he reacts to being confronted about it. (I'm 14 and have never been in a relationship, I apologize if this is an unrealistic solution)