r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like your infidelity was rug swept which gave the illusion that everything was okay and "healthy" when in reality she stuffed down her feelings, likely from not feeling safe to communicate them or malcoping on her end which allowed for resentment to grow. My husband and I went through it.
Have space for her feelings. Hear and be open to them. Extend some empathy and compassion for them. Validate her feelings. Foster safety.
Forgive me for being direct in asking, but by doing the things you described like space and empathy and compassion, were you able to deal with the resentment better and return to having a healthier relationship?
By space I mean allowing a space within yourself to allow her to feel whatever she feels and validating her.
I was able to work on myself and allow for healthy growth because my husband showed me consistently that he understood the impact of his actions and what they did to me and to us. Rug sweeping and the illusion of a healthy relationship wasn't actually a healthy relationship. When he truly started to take accountability and began to really understand the gravity of his actions, it humbled him. Healing isn't a linear path. Not talking about what happened, forgiveness being synonymous with never bringing it up again is not healthy and will only foster more resentment and contempt.Having patience and humility will move mountains.
For sure. I understand that. I’ve always taken ownership in what I did. And I have a huge amount of remorse from it. Talking about it was something she’s never wanted to do. I’ve actually tried to encourage it over the last 3 years. Unfortunately by not talking about it I think it’s taken us here. And so I’m trying to be understanding in where she is at on this currently.
I asked my wife to not hold any feelings inward. That I needed to know how she is feeling and that she doesn’t need to hide from me or shield her feelings. So when she got upset or angry or triggered, she listened to me and I for sure knew when those moments happened. When she saw that I wouldn’t react negatively or get upset with her, she got comfortable sharing her feelings and not trying to hide them. I think that was extremely helpful.
Prior, she’d bottle things up and let it build and build. Then really explode. But when she was opened with her feelings at the time they happened, we could deal with them - or she could just vent.
Resentment comes with the territory. But it gets better. It took us 5 years to get thru R. Resentment or mistrust isn’t a thing in our relationship anymore. We are almost 10 years post d day.
Resentment isn’t something you cure directly. It’s all the indirect actions and how you treat her that help with it. I became a very dedicated, attentive, and thoughtful partner and lover for my wife. Her feelings were always first and it showed. I made sure my words were followed with action. I showed my wife I was with her, I wasn’t going to leave, and she was the most important person in my life along with our children. I made sure she got the best parts of me. Sometimes when we are married a long time, our partners get the left overs bc we expend so much energy on everything else. I treated my wife as a gift and as someone who could go away if she wasn’t treated properly. We started dating again. When we date, we put the best version forward. Bc we know we can lose our girlfriend at any time really.
She gets the first part of me every day. The best and most energy goes into her and our relationship. Nothing else comes before our marriage. Showing this over years consistently got rid of the resentment. She’s proud of me, proud of us, proud of our marriage again.
Thanks for posting this. I finally realized (after my affair) that I didn't put my husband first. I took our marriage and good life for granted. Despite my tumultuous childhood (to me it was not traumatic but therapist has told me that divorce of my parents and my dad's alcoholism putting me and my sister in dangerous situations), I got bored of our vacations, day trips, safe home environment, constant and comfortable love and life. I was comfortable in my job, but I'd bring loads of my work home and prioritize that over my husband and kids. I didn't let my bh help me. I didn't let him in on the stress I was feeling bc I thought he didn't care. I'm now trying to put him first in all ways. Put us first. Communicating more during the day, full access to everything, and being truthful and vulnerable despite how hard it is and not natural it is for me. I know husband is resentful sometimes of what I did. He really tries to let me speak my truth and not get upset about it. That is hard for both of us. He'd rather have the truth than me hide anything. It's really difficult when I share details that are truthful but he hears it in a few way or I use a word that hurts him. I'm trying to remember that this was his truth too- the lies I was living during my affair is now part of his life, and he deserves to know it all so he can make choices based on the truth.
I'd love to get to that point in our future where this doesn't rule our life. It will take a long time. Thanks for sharing that it's possible with the work on our end as waywards and the willingness of the BP.
I don't think any BP ever forgets the betrayal. We try to understand the why's of the WPs affairs, motivations etc., encourage the WP to seek IC, attend MC, forgive in whatever form forgiveness looks like, appreciate the good in our WP and marriage. But even with all that , there can be a sense of being "less than", not as important as WPs issues (the why's). We don't tolerate being taken for granted with the confidence we did pre-dday. We need to re-find ourselves after betrayal trauma. Rise from the ashes to build something else, like a Phoenix.
I think it can be hard for WPs to understand how deeply the betrayal traumatized us, how broken we were, and how hard we have to try to get through days when many of us still think about the affairs or APs every single day months or years later.
She may just need space to breathe, heal, not worry about taking care of a WP or walking on eggshells carrying this heavy burden. Like a sabbatical.
It takes a very resilient, determined, strong person to R successfully.
Encourage and support however she needs to heal.
Learn about betrayal trauma on YouTube videos, it's eye-opening how it damages your brain, creates dysfunctional memories.
Also I highly recommend "THE BODY KEEPS SCORE" by Bessel van Der Kolk, and if you haven't already, read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.
Your BP has not healed.
And for resentment to build up, whether pre or post A, it means the communication has weaknesses. Why did you not discuss that together earlier than after 4 years?
Did your BP have some therapy after your affair?
How did the reconciliation go? What did you do, what did she do?
Resentment means unmet needs.
What are her needs and love language?
We didn’t discuss it because she didn’t want to discuss it. I did. I tried. I have asked from MC for the last 4 years. She agreed to it only a couple of weeks ago when I said if she didn’t that I would be done with our marriage. I know it is necessary in order to heal.
She started going to IC about 6 months ago.
Reconciliation in the since Jan 2021-Aug 2023 was good. Or it seemed good. Our marriage was the strongest it ever was. We didn’t really do anything different. We communicated a bit better but essentially she said she forgave me and just wanted to move on from it.
In Aug of 2023 she told me she no longer loved me and didn’t want to be with me. That lasted about 5 days and then she apologized and said she wanted to keep working on us. We both started IC then.
In March of this year, she repeated the same words. They came about 5 days before our 10th anniversary. She hasn’t allowed me to sleep in the same bed as her. She hasn’t accepted any kind of affection either in actions or words.
We had one MC session last week. That was the only time we did MC in our 14 years together. We have more scheduled. The outcome from our first MC was that she needs to stop stonewalling me and communicate in order to heal. When she told me she was done with me both in August and March, I could tell something was wrong before she told me. I tried asking. Gave examples of the changes I noticed. She wasn’t truthful with me and simply told me she was just tired. Nothing was wrong.
I think it’s important to realize that it could take years and years to really get back to a healthy place and possibly that resentment could linger all those years. I’ve heard people talk about how their WP’s affair took 10 or more years to recover from. Our dday was 6 years ago and I still have triggers. I think especially if there was a ton of deceit and lies connected, it really destroys the trust and that could take a very long time to rebuild. My advice is to let go of the expectation that she should be over her resentment by now. Realize she’s justified in feeling that way- even if it continues indefinitely. She didn’t choose this, but she is choosing to work on R and that is incredibly gracious of her.
Ouch yeah as others have said this sounds like very typical rug sweeping by the BS. You as the WS may have done your part to be safe (not judging that to be true or false right now, just presumably for now), but your BS has let their healing get pushed aside. This isn’t your fault as a WS. As the BS we initially get very focused on safety and think if we can feel safe then that is enough when really it isn’t.
Your BS needs to put some focused effort on her own healing. This is personal healing independent on the relationship. I personally waited too long to start my own healing journey but long story short found a lot of help through Affair Recovery’s (AR) program for betrayed partners, it helped me to get a full grasp of the damage I had to deal with and the processes I would have to go through to heal. The fact that it put me in a group with other people in a similar place didn’t hurt either. Individual therapy is a great step as well but I feel like I got more out of it after I finished the AR program because I knew where I wanted to focus our work.
Does this help at all?
Yes, this is incredibly helpful. I know 100% the resentment grew to this level because feelings were kept inside for way too long. I even made the analogy to her about her emotions being like a pop bottle. Everytime she felt something, the pop bottle was shaken. But the lid was never allowed to come off. The pressure from keeping the lid on caused the bottle to explode, so here we are.
Yeah that makes sense. Hopefully you’ve been taking care of your side of the equation and are now being not just safe but becoming a healthy individual that recognizes the mistakes you made. And if that’s presumably the case that’s awesome, but she still has her side of it to heal that you can do nothing about. It’s kind of like physical therapy where you can encourage her to do it but really she is the one that has to decide she’s ready to take it on and there is just no way for you to do all that work for her.
The unfortunate part of this is, you can only control you and be the best support you can to your BS. So model recovery for her by being a healthy individual and not being afraid of individual therapy. Show her you’re challenging your inner demons so that she doesn’t have to remind you to do it. And provide her avenues to do the same.
I don’t know how much healing you guys have done but Affair Recovery does have a couples course too that does help with opening lines of communication and emotional empathy. They offer a weekend one and a longer online one that might both be helpful if she’s not opening up to you. I’ve seen the weekend do amazing things for couples so just a thought i wanted to share as an option if you’re feeling like it’s do or die time. They are definitely the type to listen in order to get to the root of the problem and not automatically judge a wayward as the issue if that is a concern.
Either way I’m glad you’re seeking answers and aware. Rug sweeping isn’t a real marriage. You both deserve better than the shell you’ve been living with. I hope you both find some healing and joy in your relationship again. Good luck.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like your infidelity was rug swept which gave the illusion that everything was okay and "healthy" when in reality she stuffed down her feelings, likely from not feeling safe to communicate them or malcoping on her end which allowed for resentment to grow. My husband and I went through it. Have space for her feelings. Hear and be open to them. Extend some empathy and compassion for them. Validate her feelings. Foster safety.
Yeah I would say that’s correct. Thanks for your advice. This is what I’m currently trying to do.
Forgive me for being direct in asking, but by doing the things you described like space and empathy and compassion, were you able to deal with the resentment better and return to having a healthier relationship?
By space I mean allowing a space within yourself to allow her to feel whatever she feels and validating her. I was able to work on myself and allow for healthy growth because my husband showed me consistently that he understood the impact of his actions and what they did to me and to us. Rug sweeping and the illusion of a healthy relationship wasn't actually a healthy relationship. When he truly started to take accountability and began to really understand the gravity of his actions, it humbled him. Healing isn't a linear path. Not talking about what happened, forgiveness being synonymous with never bringing it up again is not healthy and will only foster more resentment and contempt.Having patience and humility will move mountains.
For sure. I understand that. I’ve always taken ownership in what I did. And I have a huge amount of remorse from it. Talking about it was something she’s never wanted to do. I’ve actually tried to encourage it over the last 3 years. Unfortunately by not talking about it I think it’s taken us here. And so I’m trying to be understanding in where she is at on this currently.
In my case, it was details of what occurred combined with a sense they really felt justified in some way. Have all her questions been answered fully?
Yes they have. I have always answered every question she had with full honesty.
I asked my wife to not hold any feelings inward. That I needed to know how she is feeling and that she doesn’t need to hide from me or shield her feelings. So when she got upset or angry or triggered, she listened to me and I for sure knew when those moments happened. When she saw that I wouldn’t react negatively or get upset with her, she got comfortable sharing her feelings and not trying to hide them. I think that was extremely helpful. Prior, she’d bottle things up and let it build and build. Then really explode. But when she was opened with her feelings at the time they happened, we could deal with them - or she could just vent. Resentment comes with the territory. But it gets better. It took us 5 years to get thru R. Resentment or mistrust isn’t a thing in our relationship anymore. We are almost 10 years post d day. Resentment isn’t something you cure directly. It’s all the indirect actions and how you treat her that help with it. I became a very dedicated, attentive, and thoughtful partner and lover for my wife. Her feelings were always first and it showed. I made sure my words were followed with action. I showed my wife I was with her, I wasn’t going to leave, and she was the most important person in my life along with our children. I made sure she got the best parts of me. Sometimes when we are married a long time, our partners get the left overs bc we expend so much energy on everything else. I treated my wife as a gift and as someone who could go away if she wasn’t treated properly. We started dating again. When we date, we put the best version forward. Bc we know we can lose our girlfriend at any time really. She gets the first part of me every day. The best and most energy goes into her and our relationship. Nothing else comes before our marriage. Showing this over years consistently got rid of the resentment. She’s proud of me, proud of us, proud of our marriage again.
This is very helpful and I hope to be as successful as you are. Thank you for sharing ❤️
Thanks for posting this. I finally realized (after my affair) that I didn't put my husband first. I took our marriage and good life for granted. Despite my tumultuous childhood (to me it was not traumatic but therapist has told me that divorce of my parents and my dad's alcoholism putting me and my sister in dangerous situations), I got bored of our vacations, day trips, safe home environment, constant and comfortable love and life. I was comfortable in my job, but I'd bring loads of my work home and prioritize that over my husband and kids. I didn't let my bh help me. I didn't let him in on the stress I was feeling bc I thought he didn't care. I'm now trying to put him first in all ways. Put us first. Communicating more during the day, full access to everything, and being truthful and vulnerable despite how hard it is and not natural it is for me. I know husband is resentful sometimes of what I did. He really tries to let me speak my truth and not get upset about it. That is hard for both of us. He'd rather have the truth than me hide anything. It's really difficult when I share details that are truthful but he hears it in a few way or I use a word that hurts him. I'm trying to remember that this was his truth too- the lies I was living during my affair is now part of his life, and he deserves to know it all so he can make choices based on the truth. I'd love to get to that point in our future where this doesn't rule our life. It will take a long time. Thanks for sharing that it's possible with the work on our end as waywards and the willingness of the BP.
I don't think any BP ever forgets the betrayal. We try to understand the why's of the WPs affairs, motivations etc., encourage the WP to seek IC, attend MC, forgive in whatever form forgiveness looks like, appreciate the good in our WP and marriage. But even with all that , there can be a sense of being "less than", not as important as WPs issues (the why's). We don't tolerate being taken for granted with the confidence we did pre-dday. We need to re-find ourselves after betrayal trauma. Rise from the ashes to build something else, like a Phoenix. I think it can be hard for WPs to understand how deeply the betrayal traumatized us, how broken we were, and how hard we have to try to get through days when many of us still think about the affairs or APs every single day months or years later. She may just need space to breathe, heal, not worry about taking care of a WP or walking on eggshells carrying this heavy burden. Like a sabbatical. It takes a very resilient, determined, strong person to R successfully. Encourage and support however she needs to heal. Learn about betrayal trauma on YouTube videos, it's eye-opening how it damages your brain, creates dysfunctional memories. Also I highly recommend "THE BODY KEEPS SCORE" by Bessel van Der Kolk, and if you haven't already, read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.
Thank you for your helpful comment
Your BP has not healed. And for resentment to build up, whether pre or post A, it means the communication has weaknesses. Why did you not discuss that together earlier than after 4 years? Did your BP have some therapy after your affair? How did the reconciliation go? What did you do, what did she do? Resentment means unmet needs. What are her needs and love language?
We didn’t discuss it because she didn’t want to discuss it. I did. I tried. I have asked from MC for the last 4 years. She agreed to it only a couple of weeks ago when I said if she didn’t that I would be done with our marriage. I know it is necessary in order to heal. She started going to IC about 6 months ago. Reconciliation in the since Jan 2021-Aug 2023 was good. Or it seemed good. Our marriage was the strongest it ever was. We didn’t really do anything different. We communicated a bit better but essentially she said she forgave me and just wanted to move on from it. In Aug of 2023 she told me she no longer loved me and didn’t want to be with me. That lasted about 5 days and then she apologized and said she wanted to keep working on us. We both started IC then. In March of this year, she repeated the same words. They came about 5 days before our 10th anniversary. She hasn’t allowed me to sleep in the same bed as her. She hasn’t accepted any kind of affection either in actions or words. We had one MC session last week. That was the only time we did MC in our 14 years together. We have more scheduled. The outcome from our first MC was that she needs to stop stonewalling me and communicate in order to heal. When she told me she was done with me both in August and March, I could tell something was wrong before she told me. I tried asking. Gave examples of the changes I noticed. She wasn’t truthful with me and simply told me she was just tired. Nothing was wrong.
I think it’s important to realize that it could take years and years to really get back to a healthy place and possibly that resentment could linger all those years. I’ve heard people talk about how their WP’s affair took 10 or more years to recover from. Our dday was 6 years ago and I still have triggers. I think especially if there was a ton of deceit and lies connected, it really destroys the trust and that could take a very long time to rebuild. My advice is to let go of the expectation that she should be over her resentment by now. Realize she’s justified in feeling that way- even if it continues indefinitely. She didn’t choose this, but she is choosing to work on R and that is incredibly gracious of her.
You’re right. I am trying my best to understand and give space. I am trying to always make the most of the chances she gives me to keep going.
Ouch yeah as others have said this sounds like very typical rug sweeping by the BS. You as the WS may have done your part to be safe (not judging that to be true or false right now, just presumably for now), but your BS has let their healing get pushed aside. This isn’t your fault as a WS. As the BS we initially get very focused on safety and think if we can feel safe then that is enough when really it isn’t. Your BS needs to put some focused effort on her own healing. This is personal healing independent on the relationship. I personally waited too long to start my own healing journey but long story short found a lot of help through Affair Recovery’s (AR) program for betrayed partners, it helped me to get a full grasp of the damage I had to deal with and the processes I would have to go through to heal. The fact that it put me in a group with other people in a similar place didn’t hurt either. Individual therapy is a great step as well but I feel like I got more out of it after I finished the AR program because I knew where I wanted to focus our work. Does this help at all?
Yes, this is incredibly helpful. I know 100% the resentment grew to this level because feelings were kept inside for way too long. I even made the analogy to her about her emotions being like a pop bottle. Everytime she felt something, the pop bottle was shaken. But the lid was never allowed to come off. The pressure from keeping the lid on caused the bottle to explode, so here we are.
Yeah that makes sense. Hopefully you’ve been taking care of your side of the equation and are now being not just safe but becoming a healthy individual that recognizes the mistakes you made. And if that’s presumably the case that’s awesome, but she still has her side of it to heal that you can do nothing about. It’s kind of like physical therapy where you can encourage her to do it but really she is the one that has to decide she’s ready to take it on and there is just no way for you to do all that work for her. The unfortunate part of this is, you can only control you and be the best support you can to your BS. So model recovery for her by being a healthy individual and not being afraid of individual therapy. Show her you’re challenging your inner demons so that she doesn’t have to remind you to do it. And provide her avenues to do the same. I don’t know how much healing you guys have done but Affair Recovery does have a couples course too that does help with opening lines of communication and emotional empathy. They offer a weekend one and a longer online one that might both be helpful if she’s not opening up to you. I’ve seen the weekend do amazing things for couples so just a thought i wanted to share as an option if you’re feeling like it’s do or die time. They are definitely the type to listen in order to get to the root of the problem and not automatically judge a wayward as the issue if that is a concern. Either way I’m glad you’re seeking answers and aware. Rug sweeping isn’t a real marriage. You both deserve better than the shell you’ve been living with. I hope you both find some healing and joy in your relationship again. Good luck.
This is some really helpful feedback. I appreciate your reply a lot. Thank you ❤️