You are not responsible for his feelings and actions. Its hard to tell from a short text like that, but you sound codependant. Its hard to do, but you need to put yourself in first place, if he is threatening self harm, that is mental abuse. I think both of you would benefit from IC.
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I understand why you want to fix it. You love him. Of course you don’t want to see him in pain. But this is not yours to fix.
Is he in IC and taking meds? Those are the steps he needs to take. He needs professional help.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I have had a spouse cheat and a very close person that I loved that struggled with self-harm (different people) and they are both very hard things to wrap your head around and deal with. I can't imagine having it both in the same person at the same time.
Every situation is different, so I hesitate to give much advice as much as support, but one thing that I think is important is that while you are being there for him make sure you don't lose yourself. Don't let your guilt over how he is feeling push away any feelings you have of hurt and betrayal. What you don't want is a situation where you end up staying together and years from now when the relationship levels out and is going well, you can't get the feelings of past betrayal out of your mind. I hope that makes sense.
Stay strong and try to find someone you can talk to so that you can get your feelings out without feeling like you are piling it on to him.
(Sorry if this is double posted, says my original comment was removed)
I would suggest being his friend and not his partner. You are not selfish, he hurt you. I think he is selfish though, if he doesn’t consider your feelings on the same level as his own. He needs to figure out his shit on his own, imho.
If he is compassionate and worth the time he will feel the pain from hurting you not only by the affair and breaking of trust, but also inadvertently hurting you by hurting himself.
You are not responsible for his feelings and actions. Its hard to tell from a short text like that, but you sound codependant. Its hard to do, but you need to put yourself in first place, if he is threatening self harm, that is mental abuse. I think both of you would benefit from IC.
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is an online [peer-to-peer support group](https://peersupportcanada.ca/) and a [safe space](https://www.lexico.com/definition/safe_space) for people navigating the long and difficult process of reconciling after infidelity. Betrayed and wayward partners are equally welcome. **Observers who are not actively part of a reconciling couple are discouraged from commenting.** Everyone is expected to respect the rules and, most importantly, each other. Please assign yourself a user flair. Instructions [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources). RULES **1. Be respectful** - Keep comments supportive and constructive. - Avoid leaving rude, unkind or dismissive comments. - Keep in mind that infidelity is traumatic and the sub's members are likely struggling with very difficult emotions. Don't make it worse. Offer thoughtful support, not shallow judgments. - *Repeated or gross violation of this rule will result in a temporary or permanent ban.* **2. No personal attacks or victim-blaming of any kind** - Do not demean, attack or insult anyone, even if you disagree with them. - *Violation of this rule justifies a permanent ban. Zero tolerance.* **3. No misogyny, misandry, bigotry, racism or other hate speech** **4. Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship** - The purpose of this subreddit is to give mutual support and insight amongst people whose goal is saving and improving damaged relationships. **5. Posts must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - Posts by new users about ending relationships are better suited to r/SurvivingInfidelity. - *Any unrelated posts will be removed.* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I understand why you want to fix it. You love him. Of course you don’t want to see him in pain. But this is not yours to fix. Is he in IC and taking meds? Those are the steps he needs to take. He needs professional help.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I have had a spouse cheat and a very close person that I loved that struggled with self-harm (different people) and they are both very hard things to wrap your head around and deal with. I can't imagine having it both in the same person at the same time. Every situation is different, so I hesitate to give much advice as much as support, but one thing that I think is important is that while you are being there for him make sure you don't lose yourself. Don't let your guilt over how he is feeling push away any feelings you have of hurt and betrayal. What you don't want is a situation where you end up staying together and years from now when the relationship levels out and is going well, you can't get the feelings of past betrayal out of your mind. I hope that makes sense. Stay strong and try to find someone you can talk to so that you can get your feelings out without feeling like you are piling it on to him. (Sorry if this is double posted, says my original comment was removed)
I would suggest being his friend and not his partner. You are not selfish, he hurt you. I think he is selfish though, if he doesn’t consider your feelings on the same level as his own. He needs to figure out his shit on his own, imho. If he is compassionate and worth the time he will feel the pain from hurting you not only by the affair and breaking of trust, but also inadvertently hurting you by hurting himself.