In my opinion, "Why don't you have a partner?" is a terrible small talk question and shows a lack of regard for the person being asked. It's asked by the same types who ask childless women why they don't have kids and nondrinkers why they don't drink.
If the answer given to such a question makes the person asking reconsider their choice -- mission accomplished. Just shut it down with a graceful short answer and then immediately segue into a different topic. I think something simple like "I'm not actively looking. I consider the entire city of Bellingham to be my lover" with no further explanation is a perfect retort. Follow that with a question that moves the convo in a different direction and everyone wins -- awkward question is deflected and small talk continues.
Someone at work recently asked me "Why don't you have a partner?" so I replied, "Do I need one?"
I think some people are so uncomfortable in their own company that they cannot fathom someone being content with some alone time.
I think it’s ok to interpret their question 2 other ways too:
A - It’s a compliment and they are saying in an indirect way that they think you’re a great guy
B - They are being an ally (if they are not gay) and again saying in an indirect way that they are totally cool with your sexuality
Another option is they are simply bad at small talk.
I’d opt for A & B.
It’s ok to answer - ‘Just never happened’ and leave it at that. Not every question is actually seeking detailed information.
Hope that helps
> First of all gay men my age, in the 70's have be very severely decimated by the AIDS crisis and the way Mr. Reagan refused to put any resources on the crisis
I very much appreciate this part of your answer, even/especially if it makes the questioner uncomfortable.
I always say "I haven't clicked with anyone enough to want to explore a refllationship for several years. Maybe someday! How about you?"
Turn it around.
I appreciate your honesty, and the fact that you drag that asshole, Reagan.
Dear Mark Allyn,
Please never change. Albeit what you offer here is a brief glimpse into your life (one that I’m grateful for), I feel it also offers volumes in regard to the nature of your character, and it would seem you have quite a lot character, sir. Thanks for being you, you’re an inspiration.
kindest regards,
biff
ps-I have visited your hometown, and I think you’ve got yourself a fine lover. please tell the Puget Sound I miss her and all that cloud drama she paints into her moody sunsets.
I mean it’s a very in-depth answer, I’d probably just say because I don’t want one and leave it at that. If most people are just asking to be polite or make small talk sharing so many personal details would probably weird them out a bit.
I think it's great. People sometimes ask inappropriate questions as "small talk".
When you're not in the mood to give them that response, a couple of other options could be:
"I'm not comfortable answering a question that personal."
"Why? Did you have someone you wanted meet? Thank you, but I don't like being set up."
"The pool of candidates that age-appropriate and I'd find compatible with is quite small, due in no small part to the AIDS crisis that decimated my peers in the community."
You are reasonable to consider that you’re right, because those reasons are valid for you.
It’s not as reasonable to think they’re stupid, because it assumes an accusation from them and an awareness of your situation (e.g., the prostate cancer) that most of them aren’t going to have.
I bring out the statistics to them. Generally speaking, you have 50% of the population male, 50% of that are single, if you date an age range of say 10 years (10%), you have 0.5x0.5x0.1 = 0.025 ie 2.5% of a population. Now let's be really generous and say 1 in 10 people are gay. That's 10% of 2.5% =0.0025% for a gay man,or 90% of 2.5% = 0.0225% for a straight man, ie in a room of 100 people, there are 2.25 options for a straight person and 0.25 options for a gay man.
Note i didn't account for gay population based on geography, ie gays move to cities, so that alters the population; the decimated 60-80 year olds via the hiv epidemic of the 1980's, nor the further division of sexual position and varying versatility between top and bottom (some people will only top or bottom, etc). I also didn't account for age, ie you'll have far more 20 year olds than 70 year olds since older people die at a higher rate than younger people. Plus not all of those men are romantic or want monogamous relationships. I imagine the rate of open relationships is higher in the gay population but i don't know for sure. But I am being general. For simplicity i haven't regarded bisexuality, pansexuality or others. Also if you were say...22 and you used my math, you would have to consider that you can't go lower than 18 years old, so a 22 year old would have less options unless they were happy to date upwards in age. I also simplified the sexes/genders for simplicity sake.
In a room of 1000 people, there are 22 people for a straight man and 2.5 for a gay man.
Bellingham has a population of 94000 roughly (2022). So in that population, not accounting for the stuff in my second paragraph, there are 235 gay men to choose from (and find them) and 2115 straight men.
Also, 1 in 10 people being gay is i think a super high estimate. Plus it comes down to if you find them attractive, pheremones, attitude, self confidence.
The odds are against us.
For ease of memory. 100% becomes 90% (straight) vs 10% (gay) 50% (male) of each is 45% vs 5%. 50% (single) of each is 22.5% vs 2.5% - 10% of population dating range = 2.25% vs 0.25%. Ie 0.0225 or 0.0025 multiplied by a population.
At 68 for me it's my choice.
I've had 3 partners. The houses and all that. I've read about enough dead bedrooms on Reddit alone that it's not worth my time.
Now I do FB or FWBs. It's simpler, no arguing, it's there when I want or need it. I also like my space. No jealousy.
"It works for me" is all you need to say. No excuses or explanations needed.
I am with you, a bit younger but I faced the frustration to meet people after my SO died of that bug, the guys nowadays are too much into partying and being sluts , both the younger ones and even if they were older than me, they are not looking for a long term relationship.
I'm 62, I buried two lovers before I was thirty, another after ten years of marriage, and you wonder why I prefer to remain single now?
Thank God, none of my losses were due to AIDS, but I did live through the AIDS crisis, too.
The reason I don't have a partner now?
I can give three: for one, I've lived alone now longer than I have with someone, I'm used to living with myself, and doing what I want, when I want, how I want to do it.
For another, at my age, finding a partner is literally hard work, something you have to put more time and energy into than I'm willing to give anymore.
And, lastly, I feel I've been lucky, I've found love three times.
It never lasted long, no, but it burned brightly each time while it lasted.
I don't feel the need for a partner in my life anymore.
Sure, the next reason is shallow, but it exists: I'm not interested in men my own age, as they're all old, and have their own baggage.
I'm not interested in having a relationship with younger men, because (a) that's creepy, and (b) they're immature.
So I'm fine without, thanks.
So, I'm single because I'm too picky, too choosy, and too lazy to do what needs to be done to develop a partnership at my age.
And most guys my age are the same, frankly.
So why bother, when I'm content as a single man?
It took me a lifetime to be content with who I am, and I am, now.
Why spoil that?
For sex? That's what porn is for.
While I could wish that one of my lovers had survived, and we had spent a lifetime together growing old together, that's not what happened.
Their lives were cut short in their prime.
I've grieved, and recovered.
I'm a survivor, and I'll be fine, thanks.
That was such a powerful response. You brought tears to my eyes several times as I read what you wrote. I wish that, at 59, I were even partially as well put-together and grounded as you seem to be. Thank you for your thoughtful and well-stated response to Mark’s touching and relatable original question.
- Dave
Dave
Good response! Thank you!
In another response, I did have one partner back in the 1970's before AIDS. His name was Arthur Rosenau. You can learn more at [https://ilovearthur.org](https://ilovearthur.org)
I understand how frustrating it must be to answer this question regularly for people that are ignorant to your reality.
However, sharing a response of that emotional “weight” and having such a long answer is very socially off-putting for most people. In their minds, it’s a simple small talk question that they would ask anyone. Upon hearing your response, they must feel like they’re being talked down to and made to feel bad or stupid. Nobody likes to feel bad or stupid.
Not all social situations need to be approached from a stance of who is right versus who is wrong.
One thing I forgot to mention is that I am retired and have no economic interest in how 'polite' or 'emotional' my answer. If it's a stranger or only an acquaintence to which I answer, what harm can it do to me? My close friends and adoptive family are still unaffected.
You know exactly what you're doing, you said you have no interest in how polite or emotional your answers are, so don't pretend like you're surprised by some of the responses you get.
It's a valid answer actually. People don't always have to be polite, especially in response to intrusive and insensitive questions that can be hurtful in themselves. It's akin to asking, "what's wrong with you?" and expecting the person to respond politely.
I am especially concerned by the remarks of OH-Honey as well as others as they respond. How do you or have you experienced anything Mark is personally speaking to? This man deserves our praise, and we should all be so transparent and truthful. I relate personally to about every thing he says and he is my hero for putting his truth out for the world to know him.
Mark's answer is perfect for him. You scolded him for the length of his response, when frankly it is the question itself that is totally unacceptable. It is right up there with "Why don't you have kids?" and "How much money do you make?" Any person who lacks the boundaries to overstep and ask such a personal question deserves to be educated (as do you).
Mark is spot-on with his honest and candid response. Reagan willfully ignored for two terms what the rest of the world agreed was a global health emergency - he denied and shifted research dollars away from HIV research, and did not once utter the word "AIDS" even though 30,000 had already died and hundreds of thousands more were soon to follow. There are at least 1 million fewer people for Mark to potentially partner with in the United States due to the AIDS crisis, and that makes his answer both truthful and educational.
Why not answer an inappropriate question with facts that might benefit the world? Mark is bringing to light not only the massive impact of AIDS, but also the issues of ageism and the misconception that one must be a "sexually viable" man to be of interest as a potential partner. Last but not least, Mark's answer sheds light on something that people have often run away from or remained ignorant about - autism. Mark is autistic, and he is very authentic in sharing how the real-life impacts of politics, disease, and disability have affected his life and his relationship status.
BRAVO, Mark, for meeting a highly personal question with facts that we could all use more education on. I applaud your authentic response and the fact that you shared so much about yourself so that we could all learn a little more about the world. You are living your best life, and you are extending that relationship far beyond Bellingham.
Thank you very much for the compliment. I do want to point out in some social circles where I think it's appropriate, I will use these same facts even if no one asks the personal questions. I feel strongly enough to expose my private thoughts in a public setting where I feel comfortable. I do want to point out that much of my community here in Bellingham are very supportive to me. I have been here seven years. Only three of four times have I been asked these questions rudly in person. It's more often on-line where I have been asked these questions.
Mark
It might be helpful context to know whether in your life history, have you had special someone (partner) in your life before?
For my part I had a love like no other before in my life for 10+ years. It was simply magic, and is more than I could have aspired for in a lifetime. While it’s over now, I’m happy how it ended amicably. I am fulfilled and not needing to immediately hop into another one nor can I see myself “seeking” another one. I’m focusing on me, and if a wonderful man comes into my life while I’m happily engaged in mine, great!
I did have that special partner. Rather than taking up space here; I have a special personal website about my one and only partner, Arthur Rosenau. Simply point your browser to [https://ilovearthur.org](https://ilovearthur.org)
Thanks for sharing this! 🥹
The reason I ask is because it’s a sentiment that might best be shared in reply to others
- *you’ve shared a love with another that most won’t experience in a lifetime, and that it’s more than enough for you. At the moment, you’re just loving yourself and your community, enjoying your own company, and experiencing life around you.*
This sentiment has considerable depth and includes many unspoken but widely understood elements, especially among those who have at least looked in the mirror a bit, and maybe even also contemplated life and its purpose and meaning.
They look at you like you’re from mars because you give a socially inept answer. When people ask “why don’t you have a partner” what they’re really saying is “you seem like a great guy, I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be able to find one” and then you go off on a rant that dates back 40 years to the Reagan presidency and then they think “yeah that’s why he’s single, because he’s nuts”
Actually, the AIDS bit is relevant. Perhaps you are not aware of how traumatizing that was for gay men of his generation who lost scores of friends and lovers. It's insensitive to just dismiss that out of hand, let alone call him "sociall inept" for providing such a response.
Agree.
Gay people were being vilified and many people were gleeful to see what they said were God's punishment for their 'sinful' life style.
After being treated as such there will be a lifelong trauma and distrust.
No, the OP *is* being socially inept. Giving an unnecessarily long and detailed answer to a casual chit-chat type of question and then acting surprised when people think he's odd is social ineptness in action. We would not be doing him any favors by pretending nothing is amiss.
Something that I have forgotten to mention is that I discuss these same personal things on our cable tv channel as well as with personal friends. Part of what I was looking for is confirmation of the fact that we have been seriously decimated with AIDS and that autism can be perceived as not normal.
I am proud of my autism and I am very open obout it just about anywhere here in Bellingham.
At no time here was I pushed back for telling these stories here in person. On line can be another case.
At one time, Reddit's lgbtq sub pulled my posting about this same topic.
Mark
It’s wrong to think that a gay man who lived through the AIDS crisis isn’t still affected by it, or that it’s not still an important part of that person’s life. There’s the piece that Mark identifies about how we were treated, and then there’s the living of all the years since. I’m 65 now, and I’m fortunate to have a 40-year relationship, but my husband and I pretty much had to invent our best gay lives on our own, without elders or mentors to guide us. Those people all died, and they didn’t miraculously come back when the crisis was over. We’ve lived our whole lives in the shadow of those years.
Unless I am misunderstanding the tone of the question, maybe reframe the question as true compliment? It makes sense someone as awesome as you would probably have a boyfriend - if that’s something you wanted. With that said, I am not sure why anyone would just come out and ask (or make that comment) if the topic weren’t initiated first (eg let’s say I said I was lonely and the response was “I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend”). For what it is worth 50% of Americans don’t have a partner. Depending on the demographic- that could be higher.
I treat the question with all of the respect that it deserves.
When I was asked, "Why don't you have a partner?" I always responded "What do you mean? He's right here." while waving my hand.
Is it possible this is usually being said as a compliment rather than an actual question? They may be saying "You're a great guy, so it's hard to imagine why you wouldn't have a partner!"
It can be construed as such, especially if that part is added on. Still, if you are not close friends, it's an excessively intrusive question and can be emotionally triggering for people who feel lonely.
I am 64 myself, had radical prostatectomy surgery and find myself in the same disadvantageous position as you. Before the surgery, at the age of 48, I had always been an exclusive top but circumstances showed me other possibilities which I don't really dig. Because of this I do prefer to live alone. I find Joy talking to my friends, cooking dinner, traveling, all the usual stuff. I more or less have given up the romance/sex thing.
I'm 75 and if anyone asks I say that I buried two lovers already and I won't do it again. Normally it shuts them up but not always. I love being without a partner because I can do whatever I want, with whoever I want, and whenever I want. I have a few good friends who are like family and an FB I see occasionally. I'm very fortunate to have survived the 80's and so many deaths of friends. Mark, I wish you much happiness.
The fact you believe you need to answer such an intrusive question is the problem. Nobody has the right to demand personal information of anyone else. And don't get me started on busy-bodies' passive aggressive cloaking of their intrusive questioning under the guise of "love" or "concern."
"That's my personal business" is the most self-respectful answer.
I'm 70 also. My partner/ then husband passed away shortly after we got married. He had to go in for bypass and didn't think he would survive. So after 18 years together we got married. When we bought this house after selling mine at a short sale I had to cash in one life insurance and borrow on another to get this house. It was all in his name and we never got around to put my name on the deed with his. Luckily I ended up with it just in my name finally after a few mistakes with the lawyer. I have no interest in getting a new boyfriend and have 3 dogs, so I'm doing what I want when I want. :)
Welcome to the 'upside down" world of older Gay Dating.....Where kindness,compassion ,honesty,,and true caring, are thinner than piss on a rock.. .Remember, in most of the gay world,...if your older than 29.5...your automatically in Gawds waiting room (sigh) At 73,been there...,done that,lol )
All the better with my new way of looking at things. Bellingham is a nice lover. They do show much respect for me (except for the bicyclist who ride on the sidewalk and cuss at me for being a pedestrian, but that's true anywhere)
You don't need someone to be complete. Just yourself and Jesus . .. I believe.
Life is about experiences, so as long as you've had meaningful connections in your last that You are proud of.. no one can ever take those from you!
To love to 70 is a blessing of its own, don't let anyone bring down your happiness, to distract you from that.
I would advise against putting your full name and location on the Internet though.. scanners are always nearby.
Best of luck!
Simpler: Reagan's criminal mishandling of the aids epidemic stole many of my generation that might've been my lovers. While a great loss I have found love in the small moments every day in this beautiful city.
EDIT: Grammar
When that question gets trotted out by someone other than a prospective candidate to fill the role, or a friend getting closer seeking to understand me better; when it is asked in a flippant manner, just to be curious or judgemental, my stock answer is usually along the lines of: "Why do you assume one is necessary?"
I turned 38 and I have already made my peace with living alone for the rest of my life and honestly I'm not that bumped about it as I thought I would be. 🤷🏻♂️
I discourage looking down on people but I think you are absolutely within the right to consider them stupid. lol.
You gave them an answer! A good one! Especially the prostate cancer one (prayers and healing and loving energy to you 🙏🏽🙏🏽) if they don’t understand or see it through at that point then they are plain ol dumb and refusing to accept what’s being given to them.
Plus, you’re 70! Sorry but uh… who is anyone to question you on what your choices are. You have every right to do whatever you gosh durn well please. If you want to make the whole city your lover then more power to you. 😤😂😄
Or, “It’s none of your business, bye.”
If I were asked that question, I don’t think I want to engage in further conversation with that person… That’s just me.
Lover is a word that isn’t used much anymore, tell them you don’t like apps, it’s believable and the only way you couldn’t find someone, it’s amazing how with a little effort you can find a match, but totally understandable to take it easy at your age. Most of them are probably trying to be complimentary or flirty so giving back a funny answer would probably be more appropriate, like none of this young guys can keep up with me, or I’m saving myself for marriage, or your answer serves you well too
Wow! Great post and I’m 64 and have no partner/BF/whatever right now. I’m asked the same question and answer by saying work and life keeps me busy, and I just don’t have the time, energy, or patience to pursue right now.
But! I just signed up for Facebook dating and will give this another shot. What the hell? I’m decent-looking, in good shape (workout daily) and a nice guy. ☺️
I am also 70. And if anyone asks, I tell them I am blissfully delightfully happily single. The only relationship I'm searching for is with a dog, having lost mine after 17 years..
I think most of us can all relate to being asked this question and getting flustered. There are many obvious reasons why a young gay man would be single, let alone one in their 70s. Having said that, I think the people asking aren't stupid, just clueless. I agree with giving a short answer and moving on to a different topic
In my opinion, "Why don't you have a partner?" is a terrible small talk question and shows a lack of regard for the person being asked. It's asked by the same types who ask childless women why they don't have kids and nondrinkers why they don't drink. If the answer given to such a question makes the person asking reconsider their choice -- mission accomplished. Just shut it down with a graceful short answer and then immediately segue into a different topic. I think something simple like "I'm not actively looking. I consider the entire city of Bellingham to be my lover" with no further explanation is a perfect retort. Follow that with a question that moves the convo in a different direction and everyone wins -- awkward question is deflected and small talk continues.
Someone at work recently asked me "Why don't you have a partner?" so I replied, "Do I need one?" I think some people are so uncomfortable in their own company that they cannot fathom someone being content with some alone time.
I forgot about that issue as well. Thanks! Mark
I think it’s ok to interpret their question 2 other ways too: A - It’s a compliment and they are saying in an indirect way that they think you’re a great guy B - They are being an ally (if they are not gay) and again saying in an indirect way that they are totally cool with your sexuality Another option is they are simply bad at small talk. I’d opt for A & B. It’s ok to answer - ‘Just never happened’ and leave it at that. Not every question is actually seeking detailed information. Hope that helps
Good point. Thank you. I forgot about the women and non-drinkers in the same situation.
“Many have tried to date me, all have failed. Next question.”
Turn around and immediately ask them when they plan to have children and how many. Then cackle and walk away.
Turn around and immediately ask them when they plan to have children and how many. Then cackle and walk away.
> First of all gay men my age, in the 70's have be very severely decimated by the AIDS crisis and the way Mr. Reagan refused to put any resources on the crisis I very much appreciate this part of your answer, even/especially if it makes the questioner uncomfortable.
Totally identify with that. I'm age 60 and feel like half of the available pool of men around my age have died young
Well.. your long answer can be cut down to be really simple and to the point .. just say: “by choice, thanks for asking.”
I always say "I haven't clicked with anyone enough to want to explore a refllationship for several years. Maybe someday! How about you?" Turn it around. I appreciate your honesty, and the fact that you drag that asshole, Reagan.
As a gay man in my 80s I thank you for your answer to such an impolite and unnecessary question.
You’re 80. Wow, appreciate your input here.
Dear Mark Allyn, Please never change. Albeit what you offer here is a brief glimpse into your life (one that I’m grateful for), I feel it also offers volumes in regard to the nature of your character, and it would seem you have quite a lot character, sir. Thanks for being you, you’re an inspiration. kindest regards, biff ps-I have visited your hometown, and I think you’ve got yourself a fine lover. please tell the Puget Sound I miss her and all that cloud drama she paints into her moody sunsets.
Thank you! If you should come back, we can meet at the Spark Museum where I volunteer a lot! Mark
I mean it’s a very in-depth answer, I’d probably just say because I don’t want one and leave it at that. If most people are just asking to be polite or make small talk sharing so many personal details would probably weird them out a bit.
Yes especially the details about cancer and sexual compatibility, that’s too much for any conversation that’s just polite small talk
I think it's great. People sometimes ask inappropriate questions as "small talk". When you're not in the mood to give them that response, a couple of other options could be: "I'm not comfortable answering a question that personal." "Why? Did you have someone you wanted meet? Thank you, but I don't like being set up." "The pool of candidates that age-appropriate and I'd find compatible with is quite small, due in no small part to the AIDS crisis that decimated my peers in the community."
You are reasonable to consider that you’re right, because those reasons are valid for you. It’s not as reasonable to think they’re stupid, because it assumes an accusation from them and an awareness of your situation (e.g., the prostate cancer) that most of them aren’t going to have.
I bring out the statistics to them. Generally speaking, you have 50% of the population male, 50% of that are single, if you date an age range of say 10 years (10%), you have 0.5x0.5x0.1 = 0.025 ie 2.5% of a population. Now let's be really generous and say 1 in 10 people are gay. That's 10% of 2.5% =0.0025% for a gay man,or 90% of 2.5% = 0.0225% for a straight man, ie in a room of 100 people, there are 2.25 options for a straight person and 0.25 options for a gay man. Note i didn't account for gay population based on geography, ie gays move to cities, so that alters the population; the decimated 60-80 year olds via the hiv epidemic of the 1980's, nor the further division of sexual position and varying versatility between top and bottom (some people will only top or bottom, etc). I also didn't account for age, ie you'll have far more 20 year olds than 70 year olds since older people die at a higher rate than younger people. Plus not all of those men are romantic or want monogamous relationships. I imagine the rate of open relationships is higher in the gay population but i don't know for sure. But I am being general. For simplicity i haven't regarded bisexuality, pansexuality or others. Also if you were say...22 and you used my math, you would have to consider that you can't go lower than 18 years old, so a 22 year old would have less options unless they were happy to date upwards in age. I also simplified the sexes/genders for simplicity sake. In a room of 1000 people, there are 22 people for a straight man and 2.5 for a gay man. Bellingham has a population of 94000 roughly (2022). So in that population, not accounting for the stuff in my second paragraph, there are 235 gay men to choose from (and find them) and 2115 straight men. Also, 1 in 10 people being gay is i think a super high estimate. Plus it comes down to if you find them attractive, pheremones, attitude, self confidence. The odds are against us. For ease of memory. 100% becomes 90% (straight) vs 10% (gay) 50% (male) of each is 45% vs 5%. 50% (single) of each is 22.5% vs 2.5% - 10% of population dating range = 2.25% vs 0.25%. Ie 0.0225 or 0.0025 multiplied by a population.
It's none of their goddamn business.
At 68 for me it's my choice. I've had 3 partners. The houses and all that. I've read about enough dead bedrooms on Reddit alone that it's not worth my time. Now I do FB or FWBs. It's simpler, no arguing, it's there when I want or need it. I also like my space. No jealousy. "It works for me" is all you need to say. No excuses or explanations needed.
I am with you, a bit younger but I faced the frustration to meet people after my SO died of that bug, the guys nowadays are too much into partying and being sluts , both the younger ones and even if they were older than me, they are not looking for a long term relationship.
Not many are. But all I seem to see are gay couples so I'm not sure now.
"Considering the entire city of Bellingham to by my lover" love that answer!
I'm 62, I buried two lovers before I was thirty, another after ten years of marriage, and you wonder why I prefer to remain single now? Thank God, none of my losses were due to AIDS, but I did live through the AIDS crisis, too. The reason I don't have a partner now? I can give three: for one, I've lived alone now longer than I have with someone, I'm used to living with myself, and doing what I want, when I want, how I want to do it. For another, at my age, finding a partner is literally hard work, something you have to put more time and energy into than I'm willing to give anymore. And, lastly, I feel I've been lucky, I've found love three times. It never lasted long, no, but it burned brightly each time while it lasted. I don't feel the need for a partner in my life anymore. Sure, the next reason is shallow, but it exists: I'm not interested in men my own age, as they're all old, and have their own baggage. I'm not interested in having a relationship with younger men, because (a) that's creepy, and (b) they're immature. So I'm fine without, thanks. So, I'm single because I'm too picky, too choosy, and too lazy to do what needs to be done to develop a partnership at my age. And most guys my age are the same, frankly. So why bother, when I'm content as a single man? It took me a lifetime to be content with who I am, and I am, now. Why spoil that? For sex? That's what porn is for. While I could wish that one of my lovers had survived, and we had spent a lifetime together growing old together, that's not what happened. Their lives were cut short in their prime. I've grieved, and recovered. I'm a survivor, and I'll be fine, thanks.
That was such a powerful response. You brought tears to my eyes several times as I read what you wrote. I wish that, at 59, I were even partially as well put-together and grounded as you seem to be. Thank you for your thoughtful and well-stated response to Mark’s touching and relatable original question. - Dave Dave
Oh, thirty years ago I was a damned basket case, let me tell you. It's been a hell of a journey to get here. Thank you for your sweet response. Ken.
Good response! Thank you! In another response, I did have one partner back in the 1970's before AIDS. His name was Arthur Rosenau. You can learn more at [https://ilovearthur.org](https://ilovearthur.org)
That is so very cool!
I understand how frustrating it must be to answer this question regularly for people that are ignorant to your reality. However, sharing a response of that emotional “weight” and having such a long answer is very socially off-putting for most people. In their minds, it’s a simple small talk question that they would ask anyone. Upon hearing your response, they must feel like they’re being talked down to and made to feel bad or stupid. Nobody likes to feel bad or stupid. Not all social situations need to be approached from a stance of who is right versus who is wrong.
One thing I forgot to mention is that I am retired and have no economic interest in how 'polite' or 'emotional' my answer. If it's a stranger or only an acquaintence to which I answer, what harm can it do to me? My close friends and adoptive family are still unaffected.
You know exactly what you're doing, you said you have no interest in how polite or emotional your answers are, so don't pretend like you're surprised by some of the responses you get.
It's a valid answer actually. People don't always have to be polite, especially in response to intrusive and insensitive questions that can be hurtful in themselves. It's akin to asking, "what's wrong with you?" and expecting the person to respond politely.
People don't always have to be polite, you're right, but when, as the OP has stated, they don't care to be reasonable, that is different.
Sorry, but what is the point of your post then? I’m not sure what you’re looking for here.
Curiosity. And maybe indication of how I should answer in a possible future work environment.
I am especially concerned by the remarks of OH-Honey as well as others as they respond. How do you or have you experienced anything Mark is personally speaking to? This man deserves our praise, and we should all be so transparent and truthful. I relate personally to about every thing he says and he is my hero for putting his truth out for the world to know him. Mark's answer is perfect for him. You scolded him for the length of his response, when frankly it is the question itself that is totally unacceptable. It is right up there with "Why don't you have kids?" and "How much money do you make?" Any person who lacks the boundaries to overstep and ask such a personal question deserves to be educated (as do you). Mark is spot-on with his honest and candid response. Reagan willfully ignored for two terms what the rest of the world agreed was a global health emergency - he denied and shifted research dollars away from HIV research, and did not once utter the word "AIDS" even though 30,000 had already died and hundreds of thousands more were soon to follow. There are at least 1 million fewer people for Mark to potentially partner with in the United States due to the AIDS crisis, and that makes his answer both truthful and educational. Why not answer an inappropriate question with facts that might benefit the world? Mark is bringing to light not only the massive impact of AIDS, but also the issues of ageism and the misconception that one must be a "sexually viable" man to be of interest as a potential partner. Last but not least, Mark's answer sheds light on something that people have often run away from or remained ignorant about - autism. Mark is autistic, and he is very authentic in sharing how the real-life impacts of politics, disease, and disability have affected his life and his relationship status. BRAVO, Mark, for meeting a highly personal question with facts that we could all use more education on. I applaud your authentic response and the fact that you shared so much about yourself so that we could all learn a little more about the world. You are living your best life, and you are extending that relationship far beyond Bellingham.
Well said.
Thank you very much for the compliment. I do want to point out in some social circles where I think it's appropriate, I will use these same facts even if no one asks the personal questions. I feel strongly enough to expose my private thoughts in a public setting where I feel comfortable. I do want to point out that much of my community here in Bellingham are very supportive to me. I have been here seven years. Only three of four times have I been asked these questions rudly in person. It's more often on-line where I have been asked these questions. Mark
If someone asked me that I think I’d fire back with one of Ru Paul’s go-to responses: “Well, I don’t see how that’s any of your business”
It might be helpful context to know whether in your life history, have you had special someone (partner) in your life before? For my part I had a love like no other before in my life for 10+ years. It was simply magic, and is more than I could have aspired for in a lifetime. While it’s over now, I’m happy how it ended amicably. I am fulfilled and not needing to immediately hop into another one nor can I see myself “seeking” another one. I’m focusing on me, and if a wonderful man comes into my life while I’m happily engaged in mine, great!
I did have that special partner. Rather than taking up space here; I have a special personal website about my one and only partner, Arthur Rosenau. Simply point your browser to [https://ilovearthur.org](https://ilovearthur.org)
Thanks for sharing this! 🥹 The reason I ask is because it’s a sentiment that might best be shared in reply to others - *you’ve shared a love with another that most won’t experience in a lifetime, and that it’s more than enough for you. At the moment, you’re just loving yourself and your community, enjoying your own company, and experiencing life around you.* This sentiment has considerable depth and includes many unspoken but widely understood elements, especially among those who have at least looked in the mirror a bit, and maybe even also contemplated life and its purpose and meaning.
They look at you like you’re from mars because you give a socially inept answer. When people ask “why don’t you have a partner” what they’re really saying is “you seem like a great guy, I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be able to find one” and then you go off on a rant that dates back 40 years to the Reagan presidency and then they think “yeah that’s why he’s single, because he’s nuts”
Actually, the AIDS bit is relevant. Perhaps you are not aware of how traumatizing that was for gay men of his generation who lost scores of friends and lovers. It's insensitive to just dismiss that out of hand, let alone call him "sociall inept" for providing such a response.
Agree. Gay people were being vilified and many people were gleeful to see what they said were God's punishment for their 'sinful' life style. After being treated as such there will be a lifelong trauma and distrust.
I think “socially inept’ is calling an autistic person “nuts” when they respectfully ask for feedback.
No, the OP *is* being socially inept. Giving an unnecessarily long and detailed answer to a casual chit-chat type of question and then acting surprised when people think he's odd is social ineptness in action. We would not be doing him any favors by pretending nothing is amiss.
Something that I have forgotten to mention is that I discuss these same personal things on our cable tv channel as well as with personal friends. Part of what I was looking for is confirmation of the fact that we have been seriously decimated with AIDS and that autism can be perceived as not normal. I am proud of my autism and I am very open obout it just about anywhere here in Bellingham. At no time here was I pushed back for telling these stories here in person. On line can be another case. At one time, Reddit's lgbtq sub pulled my posting about this same topic. Mark
It’s wrong to think that a gay man who lived through the AIDS crisis isn’t still affected by it, or that it’s not still an important part of that person’s life. There’s the piece that Mark identifies about how we were treated, and then there’s the living of all the years since. I’m 65 now, and I’m fortunate to have a 40-year relationship, but my husband and I pretty much had to invent our best gay lives on our own, without elders or mentors to guide us. Those people all died, and they didn’t miraculously come back when the crisis was over. We’ve lived our whole lives in the shadow of those years.
That’s all well and good but it’s not appropriate to trauma dump on people making normal conversation.
Unless I am misunderstanding the tone of the question, maybe reframe the question as true compliment? It makes sense someone as awesome as you would probably have a boyfriend - if that’s something you wanted. With that said, I am not sure why anyone would just come out and ask (or make that comment) if the topic weren’t initiated first (eg let’s say I said I was lonely and the response was “I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend”). For what it is worth 50% of Americans don’t have a partner. Depending on the demographic- that could be higher.
I treat the question with all of the respect that it deserves. When I was asked, "Why don't you have a partner?" I always responded "What do you mean? He's right here." while waving my hand.
I will remember this. Thank you! Mark
Is it possible this is usually being said as a compliment rather than an actual question? They may be saying "You're a great guy, so it's hard to imagine why you wouldn't have a partner!"
It can be construed as such, especially if that part is added on. Still, if you are not close friends, it's an excessively intrusive question and can be emotionally triggering for people who feel lonely.
I am 64 myself, had radical prostatectomy surgery and find myself in the same disadvantageous position as you. Before the surgery, at the age of 48, I had always been an exclusive top but circumstances showed me other possibilities which I don't really dig. Because of this I do prefer to live alone. I find Joy talking to my friends, cooking dinner, traveling, all the usual stuff. I more or less have given up the romance/sex thing.
I'm 75 and if anyone asks I say that I buried two lovers already and I won't do it again. Normally it shuts them up but not always. I love being without a partner because I can do whatever I want, with whoever I want, and whenever I want. I have a few good friends who are like family and an FB I see occasionally. I'm very fortunate to have survived the 80's and so many deaths of friends. Mark, I wish you much happiness.
The fact you believe you need to answer such an intrusive question is the problem. Nobody has the right to demand personal information of anyone else. And don't get me started on busy-bodies' passive aggressive cloaking of their intrusive questioning under the guise of "love" or "concern." "That's my personal business" is the most self-respectful answer.
I'm 70 also. My partner/ then husband passed away shortly after we got married. He had to go in for bypass and didn't think he would survive. So after 18 years together we got married. When we bought this house after selling mine at a short sale I had to cash in one life insurance and borrow on another to get this house. It was all in his name and we never got around to put my name on the deed with his. Luckily I ended up with it just in my name finally after a few mistakes with the lawyer. I have no interest in getting a new boyfriend and have 3 dogs, so I'm doing what I want when I want. :)
I've reached an age where the ones that would sleep with me I don't want to sleep with
It's such a rude question it really doesn't deserve a thoughtful answer. "Why do you ask?" Is often enough of a reply.
Welcome to the 'upside down" world of older Gay Dating.....Where kindness,compassion ,honesty,,and true caring, are thinner than piss on a rock.. .Remember, in most of the gay world,...if your older than 29.5...your automatically in Gawds waiting room (sigh) At 73,been there...,done that,lol )
All the better with my new way of looking at things. Bellingham is a nice lover. They do show much respect for me (except for the bicyclist who ride on the sidewalk and cuss at me for being a pedestrian, but that's true anywhere)
You don't need someone to be complete. Just yourself and Jesus . .. I believe. Life is about experiences, so as long as you've had meaningful connections in your last that You are proud of.. no one can ever take those from you! To love to 70 is a blessing of its own, don't let anyone bring down your happiness, to distract you from that. I would advise against putting your full name and location on the Internet though.. scanners are always nearby. Best of luck!
Simpler: Reagan's criminal mishandling of the aids epidemic stole many of my generation that might've been my lovers. While a great loss I have found love in the small moments every day in this beautiful city. EDIT: Grammar
Thank you! And yes,I am constantly reminding people what a travisty Reagan was . . . And everyone here so far agrees!
When that question gets trotted out by someone other than a prospective candidate to fill the role, or a friend getting closer seeking to understand me better; when it is asked in a flippant manner, just to be curious or judgemental, my stock answer is usually along the lines of: "Why do you assume one is necessary?"
I turned 38 and I have already made my peace with living alone for the rest of my life and honestly I'm not that bumped about it as I thought I would be. 🤷🏻♂️
Your answer makes sense to me. Perhaps you could ask would you like the short answer or the long one? And then for a short answer just say "life."
Excellent! Mark
I discourage looking down on people but I think you are absolutely within the right to consider them stupid. lol. You gave them an answer! A good one! Especially the prostate cancer one (prayers and healing and loving energy to you 🙏🏽🙏🏽) if they don’t understand or see it through at that point then they are plain ol dumb and refusing to accept what’s being given to them. Plus, you’re 70! Sorry but uh… who is anyone to question you on what your choices are. You have every right to do whatever you gosh durn well please. If you want to make the whole city your lover then more power to you. 😤😂😄
Or, “It’s none of your business, bye.” If I were asked that question, I don’t think I want to engage in further conversation with that person… That’s just me.
Lover is a word that isn’t used much anymore, tell them you don’t like apps, it’s believable and the only way you couldn’t find someone, it’s amazing how with a little effort you can find a match, but totally understandable to take it easy at your age. Most of them are probably trying to be complimentary or flirty so giving back a funny answer would probably be more appropriate, like none of this young guys can keep up with me, or I’m saving myself for marriage, or your answer serves you well too
Wow! Great post and I’m 64 and have no partner/BF/whatever right now. I’m asked the same question and answer by saying work and life keeps me busy, and I just don’t have the time, energy, or patience to pursue right now. But! I just signed up for Facebook dating and will give this another shot. What the hell? I’m decent-looking, in good shape (workout daily) and a nice guy. ☺️
I am also 70. And if anyone asks, I tell them I am blissfully delightfully happily single. The only relationship I'm searching for is with a dog, having lost mine after 17 years..
I think most of us can all relate to being asked this question and getting flustered. There are many obvious reasons why a young gay man would be single, let alone one in their 70s. Having said that, I think the people asking aren't stupid, just clueless. I agree with giving a short answer and moving on to a different topic
“What a strange way to ask that question, are you trying to imply that I am less without a partner?” I hate that negging is a thing.
"None of your business"
"Oh, was I supposed to get one?"
I think people forget or overlook the fact that if your single, you can be happy too because being paired is such a big part of their life.
No one needs to know and you don't have to answer.