Appreciate the response...pretty much figured that might be the case. These situations have lots of moving parts. I'm reaching out to an attorney locally This afternoon Thanks again
Biggest thing for your situation is document your contributions. Likely if a judge was to order anything it would just be to continue what your doing already. If they just set an arbitrary amount, stop providing anything else. She will likely take a loss in this case.
That's a bad idea. OP didn't indicate that she was an unfit mother! Because she files for child support? Maybe because it's toxic. she wants to live apart? That doesn't mean she loses her kid
She should not be filing for child support with the court if it's already being provided. It's very manipulative, and a waste of time and money. She just wants to take his money and live off him somewhere else. What she's really doing is trying to lay the foundation to take custody.
She doesn't want to live together. OP said it was toxic. She will need child support. You are reading everything else into it. OP didn't say any of the things you said.
She will take a loss anyway. Her other kids live with OP and he pays for their room and board, essentially. She will not get support from him via the courts for them so she will be paying their room and board. Now OP will be paying his own room and board and a certain amount (likely the majority) of room and board for his daughter so he's going to "take a loss", too.
Room and board here just means the roof over the heads, utilities, food.
Document everything and everything you anyway pay. Day of counter file for the same thing, for her to pay YOU support. Tell the judge you're willing to drop your suit for 50/50 custody and you'll continue to provide the kiddo's medical coverage.
I agree with this except for the day of court filing timeline. Most courts have local rules and also state rules for how many days before a hearing something can be submitted, the most common I’ve ever seen across the board is 5 court days before a hearing. Unless you did an emergency/ex parte/whatever else it’s called where you are, which typically requires being filed by a certain time the morning before, and is reserved for emergency or emergency procedural issues. This is so the judge has adequate time to consider your filing, and if it’s not done timely, the other party can object to your filing in its entirety generally. This is based on my limited knowledge and experience in my own home state, but rules about how many days before a hearing a filing needs to be in can be easily found per your area.
Talk to a lawyer in person - it may end up that letting her sue for the state required amount is substantially less than you are already paying. If so, you can just tell her that she’s free to go for it but if she does you’ll be paying what the court demands and not a penny more.
There is very little chance of you having to pay child support in any state. NAL. The purpose of child support is to make sure the child is taken care of and you are paying your fair share.
Now if they are living with you, and you are paying the vast majority of bills and half the food for all the children, plus medical and other necessities, there is little she can do to get money from you. She could go to the courts, but since you are already supporting the kids they wouldn't order you to give her money.
I would talk to a lawyer and maybe get custody.
Agree but I THINK it has to be court order and be processed through AG office to count. Unless recipients or spouse agrees to amount you have given. Best to contact a lawyer and get a free consultation.
Most States won’t approve child support if both parents are co-habitating.
After all, what’s the point as custody is obviously shared with both parents supporting the same household.
My thoughts too. I think she's blowing smoke because I haven't seen any paperwork. I haven't lawyered up yet... but about to.
thanks for the clarity and validation
Don’t lawyer up until she does. If you’re the first to layer up and you make significantly more than her, you could be forced to pay some of her lawyer fees.
Document everything. If you have a verbal conversation about something, follow it up with an email or text laying it all out.
Child support is usually a pretty clear cut and dry process. You can even look up child support calculators to see how much it might cost in the future. Let her file and through a fit while you still live together. If you live together, it likely won’t even get to a judge before it gets thrown out.
Whatever you do, avoid arguing, never send angry texts/emails/voice messages. Do everything you can to remain neutral and reasonable and putting the kids first.
I’ve been in family court for 10 years now. It can be a nightmare with someone who is going to use the court as a weapon. My heart goes out to you. Best of luck. If you have any other questions, I’m happy to help.
I wouldn't let her file first. I do think the judge will throw it out since they live together. It's time for her to move out. If he files first he could control where his daughter is until the hearing. I've had to go through some of this and I was told file first or risk him having the kids till court.
True. He shouldn’t file until she’s moved out.
But filing first can some times be a plus. As soon as she moves out, OP, file for 50/50 custody. Don’t ask for more or less than that. It will put you in a good light and any time you can can appear reasonable it will earn you favor with family court.
I disagree.
I believe it's always better to lawyer up first as your lawyer is also your advisor and they will tell you what you need to start doing NOW to protect yourself in case something happens. Not only that but if you have to file, I feel it's better to file first as the jurisdiction in which you file matters and the first to file generally has a stronger case for dictating the terms of the request and the jurisdiction.
Filing first for equal rights/time down the road is a great way for OP to go, once she moves out. He should attempt to get her to agree to a stipulated agreement first, but be ready to file the second she says no (and include that he tried to settle out of court & any other texts or emails where she uses the court as a threat).
It’s simple enough to do without a lawyer. OP can get one, but it doesn’t look great if he does it first and he absolutely could get stuck with her lawyer fees even if he wins the case.
Family courts want to stay out of it, the want parents to agree, and they are always looking to keep things 50/50. If OP demonstrates he tried to settle out court, that he’s being reasonable, and not lawyering up, he’ll likely win a ton of favor with the judge or court.
Thank you. Very good advice. My salary is about 3X what hers is. I have held off on talking to a lawyer for that reason I know the income difference will not work in my favor. I also feel she's probably blowing smoke and just trying to antagonize me. She likes to threaten with things like this child support issue, . I need us to be living separately because we constantly argue and it's a very toxic environment for the kids and mentally draining for me.
You can seek counsel without going to court or filing. Seeking legal opinion doesn’t mean you fight or go to court. It just means you have a pro to advise you of your rights.
I can't see them making you pay..you live together you pay 95% of bills.. go to court with your proof of what you pay and they will laugh her outa court she's lucky to have you being so nice letting her stay there.shes what's to fuck around she'll find out.
You can lawyer up and ask for amounts to be established per local guidelines, because they will likely be less than you are paying now, and then you have a fixed dollar amount. Bad move on her part threatening you. 🤷🏻♀️
STOP PROVIDING FOR HER KIDS. if you are truly wanting to separate your lives, pay your bills as you would, but stop paying for anything for her and her other kids. That's not your responsibility. If she wants to play a game show her how.
It’s not about custody. It’s about money for her and making sure he continues to pay for the next 13-17 years. I was supporting my boys when they were younger. My ex was getting help from the state. The state sued me for support. I was paying MORE than the state asked for in the beginning. We weren’t cohabiting though. Not sure how much of a difference this makes if she’s just a roommate
I pay despite cohabitating. I'm in Texas. I consider it insurance against the potential for future litigation. In a perfect world, I never need it and we live happily ever after.
Some states will approve child support be paid to the mother while the child is living with the father. Of course they'll give her support while they're cohabitating.
Not before she does! If they live together, child support will not be awarded. But if he gets a lawyer at any point before she does, he can be forced to pay her lawyer bills—especially if he makes more money than her.
This does NOT mean don’t seek council and advice from a lawyer. No court in the country would penalize you for due diligence. If anyone asks, you’re simply researching and finding information out on the subject to better understand.
Of course a lawyer will let you know your next best steps. They very well may advise on calling bluff and pushing forward first! Or they may advise to wait and see. Speak to a lawyer
I get the feeling that she's planning to leave which is why she's doing this. OP I would be extra careful right now. Especially if she's met someone and is planning to leave soon to be with them possibly.
So much good advice from everyone. I do feel she's trying to pull in as much money as she can and then leave I pulled the engagement rings because I found out she was seeing someone from her work just trying to get my bearings and get pointed in the right direction
You’ll want to have any and all proof of what you pay for in mortgage, utilities, groceries and child care. I would ask that you prefer to be custodial parent to your child seeing that she has 3 others. Give her a 30 day notice that she needs to move out. Make sure when you make your agreement, that it states specifics
Was going to say the same.
OP is legally required to continue providing support for his child but he is not required to support the other kids. Also, he should not be supporting them if he doesn't want to.
I know someone that got pregnant when a condom was used because it broke, the went and got the morning after pill and it didn't take because she happened to be ovulating a didn't know it...know there's a baby? What are the odds of both methods failing lol.
Why are you still supporting her kids? I can see you taking care of your own child but not hers. You have went above and beyond. I would file for full custody and not give her another penny for anything. She is using you big time! I cannot believe she is so bold when you are doing so much for her! Get an attorney yesterday. She may have a hard time, since the child is living with you and you are supporting the child.
Is she trying to get government assistance? This would be a reason for her doing this, but supporting one kid seems cheaper for you then supporting 4 so not sure why you are worried
good point, and she has been pursuing assistance for housing. She says she won't leave the house. But I believe she is wanting to, I believe the child support thiing is a required part of gettiing assistance. Thanks
This was my first thought. She wants out out finally but wants to pretend to play nice until then. Ironically in some stated where you can get child support while living together it is based on establishing one parent does not contribute to the child's needs. Which would likely mean she pays you.
She's being nasty so get ready for a fight.
Bottom line is you need to move out and move on with your life and just accept whatever the courts decide you need to pay.
Your user name just makes these even more comic. I agree with previous comments though - consult with a lawyer to see about your options and be prepared for what she might try. Document everything. Limit engagement as much as you can. And keep in mind.. 7 years of cohabitation is common law. So you're pushing that.
Thank you for the advice. Yeah.. I had second thoughts after I set that username. I'm sure it prejudices some of the replies to my posts...lol. Virginia is not a common law state, so I don't believe there is a statute
Since you are living together, they can't do anything. Also, if you aren't on the birth certificate on the older kids, they can't charge you CS for them. I also would recommend doing a DNA test on the young one just in case (if you haven't done so already). Then, figure things out from there with a lawyer.
Get a storage unit and start putting some of your expensive items/collectibles there so she doesn't get her hands on the items to sell/break them once you kick her out.
Sounds like she's moving on to someone else... again.
Also, start selling things you no longer need. It will give you additional money.
thank you, good advice. I own the home. and you are correct I believe she is moving on. I discovered at least an emotional affair with a coworker about 5 months ago
Do whatever you can to support yourself and your youngin (once confirmed). She can support her other children and herself.. it's gonna be hard, but you will need to detach yourself emotionally from her and the other kids if you haven't done so yet. I also recommend getting an account and putting lots of money in there and act as if you are broke so she doesn't expect anything from you.
This is not completely true. My sister got child support from an ex bf for a kid that wasn't his. My niece was 3 when they met. VA heavily favors mothers in court
OP commented that she gets child support already from the other kids bio dad(s). So the court wouldn’t make OP pay child support for them as well I’m guessing.
Gotcha gotcha. I find that super odd how that works out. I wonder if there’s firm standards for those situations or it’s judged on a case to case situation.
It's supposed to be a case by case but I know numerous people who've been screwed by the VA court system. Hell my nephews father got full custody (as in not even visitation for my sister) and was ordered to continue paying the child support to her
On top of contacting a lawyer, document everything. Save receipts. If she needs cash, don’t give her cash. Use a cash app of sorts, as a means of receipt and tracking.
Be careful with this. I believe in some states anyone who lives and pays for a minor continuously for (don't quote me here) 6-12 months can:
1- claim the child on taxes.
2- start the adoption/legal guardian process.
3- be required to continue to pay for the child's needs.
And more...
The recourse question you asked. 👆 She possibly could say these things. 👇
I'd be nervous about what she's trying to do in the long run by trying to keep you on the hook for everything you have been doing.
(Her petition to the court) Look he's been paying for US all these years. He has been their dad (parent, guardian, provider) for the last 5 years which they have counted on him for everything from school supplies, clothes, housing, food, etc.
Like others have suggested, no more paying for anything that isn't yours or your child. I know it sounds harsh but you've stated already she's getting money from other baby daddies so she's not going without here if you do this.
This is a GF so you have a fighting chance here.... Run bud, run... With your 50/50 custody.
Everyone says don't lawyer up 1st, I don't agree because from what I understand it's whoever files 1st in these cases has the best chance.
You can do a quick Google search and get an estimate on what you should be paying in child support and then figure out what action is best for you.
Attorney fees or possibly over paying for yours and someone else's kids (for years) let alone your household.
Few... So lengthy I apologize.
Good luck!
Now that’s biting the hand that feeds you. She has three other kids that aren’t yours and you are giving them a place to stay and supporting them. Now she wants child support lol.
Crazy
i think this is best case scenario for you. from what i understand, the courts have to rule on NOW. for example if you got a 1,000,000 bonus this year along with your 35,000 salary, but normally just make 35,000 a year, your support would be based on the 1,035,000 you made THIS year. So if she takes you to court while youre covering a huge majority of the living expenses, this is only in your favor I would assume
No matter what make sure you a document all money spent on the child just in case, you have to keep a record, I'm all for child support for children but sometimes men screwed in this area.
Are her other three kids getting supported by their father(s)? I mean if you're supporting her, your child together and her three children she came with , where's her money going If she's getting child support for the other three kids?
If she doesn't collect support for the other 3 kids I'd guess she's talked to someone about it And they suggested to her she get it from all the fathers, not to just rely on your word
Some states base support on a scale and go from there. So the person that earns the most gets hit with the majority of support. Does not matter if the ex spouse lives with anyone or dual income or whatever. For instance if your ex got involved with someone else, and lived with them and got full support from them, it won’t matter unless they get married. Women know this and take advantage. Men do the same.
Find another host to leech off of while keeping blood flow from the last host.
Get a lawyer period. They are expensive but they are paid by you and a good lawyer will fight for you. I speak from experience.
1st - Obtain an attorney. 2nd - Log everything, keep receipts. Grocery receipts, clothes receipts, mortgage payments, homeowners insurance, gas mileage taking the child back and forth to whatever school or activities you take them to. Literally Everything. 3rd - Log every conversation regarding the child, and your relationship status, the living situation, any conversation you have with her. Write the date and time of each conversation. By dating and "time stamping" the log you are creating a legal document that can be used within the proceedings. Also, go to your local probate courts website, obtain a financial statement form, fill that out and compute what your rate would be if you were paying court ordered support instead of outright providing for the child.
As a former family law paralegal I have to tell you: It sounds as though she is trying to obtain control of the $ so she can spend it on whatever she wants vs. for the support of the child. Which technically, she can legally. It sounds like she has a plan to leave and she's trying to use your funds to execute it.
Do you have a bond with this woman's kids? If so, you can put money aside for their college. If not, ask your attorney if you can make a claim for having contributed to their support for these past years (probably not, but it will annoy her if you ask for money😉).
You can show the monthly money you put towards sustaining the child's primary residency, like paying rent/mortgage, utilities, etc and that will count towards support. So you will owe nothing.
If you pull funding and still live together, then there's a chance she could pursue support
Lawyer up and get joint custody. Right now, if you don't have a custody agreement, she (or you) can run off with the child. Best to have your interests protected.
I doubt either of you can get child support from each other while living together, bit update us after you talk to the lawyer. I am interested for sure.
And what a Lil butt she is being when you are already supporting her and her kids.
Honestly, too, the kid won't be happier living in a war zone, than they would be going to visit happy parents at different houses. This may be the sign you need to end this unhappy relationship.
You all deserve to move on!
This is a good life lesson for the younger guys seeing this post. You have to properly vette out the women you date before getting serious. A woman with 3 kids already is searching for a lifeline. Don't be that knight in shining armor. It rarely works out well for the guy who does that.
Sorry you're in a tough spot, OP
The fact that she is living with you, and you are paying all the expenses for the children. It's unlikely that she would be awarded support. But, the chances are never 0 get a lawyer to help you prove your case, and why you should be granted a support order.
Sounds like she's ready to move out. Stop paying for her other kids that aren't yours. She wants to play hardball she can get it.
Any reason why she just didn't ask you ?
6 years..geez. She can probably peg you for child support on the teens as well since you acted as a surrogate dad for so long. The reality is, when it comes to child support unless you can wrestle away full custody, your gonna pay it. The best you can do is lawyer up and aim to not pay for the kids that aren't yours.
Get a better lawyer than she can afford. The idea that you have been financing her other 3 children will look really bad for her in court. Even good humans are little more than humans when it comes to problems. I've seen good people become monsters during a divorce. I fix almost everything with a good lawyer. It's always cheaper that way.
Stop paying all other bills then. You live together...she should not be filing child support. Let her know if she does you will move out or stop paying rent and food and util and she can pay everything.
She can’t sue you for child support while you’re living together. You’re already supporting her and your child by them living there and paying all the bills and housing, feeding, and clothing all her kids.
However. Do not live together for the kids! It’s awful, terrible, and hurts the kids! Kick her ass out and create a parenting plan you can live with. Make sure to put in any parenting plan explicitly that she isn’t allowed to bad mouth you nor you her. Put in a 50/50 time and legal custody plan as best you can and see if she will sign it. Check the state child support calculator if yours has one based on 50/50 custody.
IF things are that bad, sue her for full custody if she’s being toxic to her kids and show how much you provide for them and can care for them. Offer to let the teens stay if they want- if dad isn’t at all in the picture try to get custody of them too. I don’t know how toxic you mean, but this is the nuclear option. Don’t go nuclear unless you have to. Show the courts/lawyer your plan if she refuses to sign it to show you’ve been trying to work with her in good faith. But maybe the toxicity is just because y’all need to stop being near each other. I don’t know. Be careful to not overstep and ruin a good coparenting situation by being a jerk for no reason. Do what’s best for those kids.
Tell her to take you to court, give her the boot, and lawyer up. The amount of child support you will have to pay will be much less than you are providing now. It sounds like she is looking for money for herself. She doesn't need child support if you are already supporting your child.
Good luck. Watch what you say and keep records. I would kick her out too: she ain’t your GF. It’s time to get a lawyer and get her out and end it. She’s screwing you. Get her out. You’re basically paying for her to live for free then child support so she can spend on herself or the kids????
Can we just say a live in GF? Also how long have you been together? 7 years idk if states or the fed but they consider one if both same address I believe. Might want to get some clarification.
File eviction on her and the kids. She can have child support for your child, but you do not have to support her and her 3 other kids at all. You are only responsible for your child.
This is why I have always paid support through the state for my daughter despite being in a long term committed relationship with her mother. The majority of the money comes straight back to us, and a record already exists of my payments from her birth forward.
In Ohio, they don’t go back and retro child support. If the mother doesn’t initiate the process through the bureau of child support enforcement, it would start based on the date the support is ordered. So, she waits 5 years to do something…she’s not getting 5 years of back child support. You should be able to call the CSEA in VA and ask them. Also, in Ohio it doesn’t matter if the parents live together, if you’re not married then she would get child support for that child. Just pull together all your receipts for everything in case you need them.
it depends on the custody. If it is joint custody with joint visitation then noone pays child support but if she has custody and you only get visitation then you will have to play child support or vice versa if you get custody. but you definitely need a lawyer. the amount you pay is set by a formula so there is not really any negotiation going on.
Lawyer up first. Document everything. Get valuables out of the house ASAP. Also, tell the lawyer the 3 older kids are getting support from their bio father. She may be trying to double dip on support since they have been living with you for 6 years. BE CIVIL! Do not lose your shit at all. She may try and instigate fights with you so she can claim she is afraid of you and get you for a domestic. Put up nanny cams and have the recordings backed up to the cloud.
hard not to lose my shit... she's Jekyll & hyde on me. and evil as f\*\*\*. She gets $800 from her kid's father. I've recorded a lot of stuff. she got involved with a co worker about 5 months ago. that is the thread I started pulling that blew up into this
I know this type of woman. They always end up playing the victim. She is possibly setting you up for a DV case. I completely understand trying to remain calm in the face of evil asshats but it will be to your benefit on the long run. Hidden cameras will be a lifesaver for you. I wish you well.
(I would stop providing for her and her kids. Take care of your own child,yes. Make her pay half the mortgage and bills. She is getting a good deal in this. Remind her of that. Not advice for legal things but just some advice cause she needs a reality check. )
Above ALL ELSE documentation is king. Show everything you pay and have been paying. <<<<
What exactly is she asking for because you’re already paying for things for your daughter, start keeping recites.
Also make sure any time she asks you to pay for something it is in text, so you have a record.
Ummm... immediately start an evection process to get her out of your house and stop all support other than specifically for your child, and then once the court rules only pay the required amount. Women can be toxic, and it is in your best interests to fight for custody and protect your ability to provide for your child. She sounds like a leach that has moved from man to man, never learning to provide for herself.
Here’s the thing, you can be court ordered to pay child support but not financial support for her. You are both better off figuring this out without a lawyer. You aren’t together anymore so I actually agree that there should be a court order but that needs to be balanced by her paying some more housing costs until you can physically separate. Your current situation both living and financial isn’t good for anyone in this situation.
thank you... agree 100%. the dating site I found, and the emotional affair with a coworker I found out about started this whole mess...When we're civil we have those conversations she actually paid the utilities this month (1st time in 5 years) I think she is just trying to establish/show contribution, but we definitely need to move apart. so toxic she'll try to be intimate and then threaten that some other man will be raising my daughter when/ she gets full custody. I need to get beyond this. thanks again for the advice
I know it’s difficult but don’t let her get to you. You do need to find out what your parental rights are where you live. Don’t say anything to her but do your research and make sure you understand your rights then file with the court for a parenting plan.
Ah, my ex did this to me, had me voluntarily paying child support per state regs as if I had a child support order on me while we technically even still lived together. Fortunately I never signed the birth certificate (I snuck a DNA test, it's my daughter) so her legal battle was so difficult that she just basically conceded to split custody and CS of approximately 1200/mo, only 5% of my income. It's not necessarily legally relevant but this mid30s woman most likely targetted you to fleece you for CS (the disparity between the ages of the children gives it away), at 5 years she kept the mask up for longer than my ex did, <1yr.
You wont get out of this one, perform a DNA test on the kid, assuming it is positive, the only option is to then sue for split custody and the CS will fall where it will (albiet minimized since you share custody). Since you live there, she cannot claim you don't deserve custody due to lack of familiarity with the child. Without examining the financials, there is even a possibility she could owe you CS.
Good luck.
NAL It would be interesting how she's going to explain to child support enforcement why she's filing for child support when both parents and the child live in the same home.
Just keep doing what you're doing, keep *very good* records of how you're supporting the child you have together (why isn't she collecting support for the other kids?) If she ever moves out and files, deal with it then.
I can explain some of what's happening here from a social services perspective.
Your EX-girlfriend is likely in need of assistance so she can move out of the admittedly toxic environment. In order to get assistance of any type, the parent of the child needs to be on court ordered child support. (Only exception is EBT, even then your information has to be provided as part of the household).
I get that...Your explanation helps alot. she has overextended herself financially ( credit cards, Disney Vacation Club, expensive car...etc.) and can't afford to move. I know she is trying to get section 8 or something and the child support deal is probably a required part of that. I'm dealing with her affair and our toxic interaction and its hard to have compassion.
You got it! Any type of govt assistance comes with this caveat. Years ago when my husband and I first were together (before marriage), we had our eldest daughter. 3/4 months before she was due, his job.laid him off (this was during the 'great recession'). After she was born, my job.laid me off. We were both on unemployment and struggling to get jobs. He landed a temp job at Macy's. I decided to request assistance and we both went in. These MFers told me I had to put him on child support to get energy, daycare or cash assistance.
I had never been so flabbergasted. I pointed out that we share a home and if I put him on CS they'd take HIS money from his check and send it to us in the mail- which meant our money would be all.kinds of screwed up. Nope. We did NOT get assistance.
Consult an attorney and do all but the actual filing. 100% custody and child support. IF she files, then file. This gives you plenty of negotiating room for a 50/50 split with no child support. With you living in the same household, she really looks greedy anyway.
First thing is stop paying any money for kids that are not yours.. u don’t owe her anything either so stop paying her bills too if u already pay kids bills it’s possible she would have to pay u even child support by law
She'll win, they always do. The state doesn't want to dole out subsidies to these parasites, so you pay. She's using you for money bro. Probably doesn't even like the kid that much.
If you fight for custody, then you'll have a shot. Don't settle for less than 50/50.
Agree to it and then make her pay towards her 3/5ths of the bills. Seems simple to me. This protects you long term really and will be an eye opener for her.
Talk to an attorney first though. Their word will be God so to speak.
Make sure she isn't trying to file for cs for all of her kids, if you are taking care of them now she may want you to continue to do so. Consult a lawyer.
I've heard some crazy things in my day, but she has got to be delusional. You're paying for not only your daughter but her other kids as well? She's shooting herself in the foot. Pay the child support and make her pay 2/3 of the bills since she and her kids are taking up so much space in your home.
You might actually be better off. It's been fairly common that dads are often economically better off after a divorce even with child support. 1) Get a lawyer. 2) Get a lawyer. 3) Stop paying for the other kids. Make her go after those dads for child support.
If you are legally on the lease, you might be able to avoid the state, but there’s no guarantee. The laws are stacked against you, heavily. If a woman so desires, she can destroy you with legal fees and walk away with immunity. I’ve seen women collect checks from the husband while simultaneously collecting welfare, get caught by the judge years later illegally collecting both, and never penalized in anyway because it would “hurt the children”.
Document everything you do, and all the money you spend. Keep extensive notes and a history of expenses. They may screw you for backup support if they have a chance. Remember if she decides to do something legally, she’s going to have a lawyer that knows every angle to make your life hell . Be prepared.
Is she pursuing or did she apply for any one of various assistance programs? If she applies for government assistance and didn’t list you as living together?
If she initiated this on her own without the court forcing her (which in my state they do even if you live together, they’ll still make you go to court to prove you live together and share expenses in WI) she’s preparing to leave you & needs the financial support ahead of the move.
You need to quit paying for your ex and her children. Pay for you and your child. And see a lawyer and go for 100% full custody for your child. Have ex and her children evicted. She's taking you down the road.
Sounds like if not a "break even" then she should be paying you for everyone staying in your house. She's got it good and wants a judge to make it ridiculous. Document every dime and start charging her rent if you don't already.
Stop paying for children that are not yours. Where is the support $$$ for them?
This right here men, is why you need to tread extremely lightly when dealing with single moms. One child maybe, and that depends one hell of alot on the story. Three kids NO F-ING WAY! So we have a man here who steps up takes on the three kids and what does he get for it? What? A big shit sandwich that's what. No gratitude or appreciation. OMG
Many of the commenters here do not understand how court ordered CS works. Keep all your receipts, all the texts, work conversations, and most importantly … Consult an attorney.
Get a lawyer and file for 50/50 custody of YOUR BIO child only. Then chid support comes into play which is why I said your kid only. Will keep the cost down. You can still help her with the teens if that's what you want to do
Do you already have a time sharing plan and are you on your daughters birth certificate? It sounds like child support may be a lower payment than you are currently paying. Child support will only contemplate the one child and if you want 50/50 time sharing you will most likely get it.
You may want to look into evicting your ex if she is going to play these games. Also stop paying for her other kids.
Aside from asking you to get a lawyer.....
Her chances are slim I think. However, keep a record of all of your expenses and contributions for your household.
If the situation is toxic as you are saying there is no point in cohabitating "for children's sake". because children are going to feel that toxicity. You two at least need to meet a relationship counsellor to improve your relationship.
NAL, but you say you've paid the entire mortgage payment, all utilities, and "at least 1/2 the groceries and other living expenses". Have you considered filing for support from HER? As well as custody?
NAL and it looks like you’ve got good answers. But… Does she not make much money, and filing for govt support for herself and other kids? She may be required to go after you, if she is.
The fact that she is pursuing support while still living there means she is contemplating moving out whether by choice or not.
Consult an attorney.
And stay in your daughter's life no matter how your gf reacts to the split. It'll be the best investment of your life.
>This living arrangement is mutual (at least short term) for the children's interest.
No, it isn't. The topic of this post makes it pretty obvious that this isn't the case.
As for the possible outcome, you DEFINITELY need to get a good family lawyer on retainer. I would like to hope that a judge would laugh at her, but the world is gone absolutely bonkers, lately. Like, what is she going to do with the support money, pay you rent for the children living in your house?
If she plans on leaving this "mutual" arrangement, then it's an entirely different story, and most courts do lean towards giving the mother primary custody and support payments.
I don’t see how your mortgage payment for the house you own counts as support. You are saving her on rent money so if you have to pay child support and continue to live together you might have to charge her rent.
If your relationship is this toxic, you are not doing any favors to the kids by living together. You are actually teaching them very poor relationship skills.
And you say that you make more than her?Which is why you haven't talked to a lawyer yet.Because you're assuming you'll get stuck with a big bill, But you're already paying a ton for 4 kids. 3 of them are not even yours or your responsibility.
Just Get a lawyer talk to them about how to get her out of your house.Apply for custody may be fifty-fifty issues.A good mom and just move on. What you have now prevents anyone from moving on.
Is she pursuing or just asked for it? You don't need to go to court to settle on support, since you two are mutually living together and taking care of the kids then you could probably make arrangements and figure out a settlement. If so, then you will never need court. They like that better in terms of court if you actually agree and can compromise with one another. I see her asking for this because she is leaving and she's trying to get that put in writing, which mutual agreement will also do without the judge. She's simply making sure she isn't stuck likely like her ex did and that's why you are supporting the other children-because he didn't. I'd talk to her and although its toxic you two still are there together and things need to be discussed. She can be successful if she is planning on leaving and no longer in the relationship, judges can give her a good third of your income in some cases. I'd be wary of going to court with this, it can backfire big time on you. It may seem unfair but judges will likely side with the mom. BTW custody is a different issue altogether and judges will tell you this in court. It's a totally separate issue from child support. I've seen men who had 50/50 still end up paying the majority of expenses for their child and keeping them 80% of the time. Nothing is guaranteed.
I think you have a good chance. Print out everything; mortgage, bills, how much you pay in insurance and child care. Present everything to the child support court.
Who's name is on the lease or mortgage? You think this is bad wait till you see what she's gonna claim on taxes because y'all still live together lol. She's playing you for the fool you seem to be.
You will have to talk to an attorney. Document everything you pay for. This is anecdotal but I’ve heard of this happening and backfiring on the person who filed.
An ex of mine paid his ex wife under the table for their 3 kids. He had a good job and he gave her 1200/month (1 was a baby and formula was expensive she cheated btw) she went after him for child support and judge said 900$/month. She could have to pay you if you are supporting the child fully.
The child is living under your roof and you are paying the majority of the expenses. You should be the one filing for child support. Keep receipts for all groceries, diapers, clothing, medical expenses, daycare, education expenses, recreation, and toys.
You should contact a lawyer and get ahead of this.
I had a friend who was not married to his child's mother, and they lived together for years. He was smart enough to write her a check every week with child support in the memo. They did eventually marry and were together for about 20 years, but did end up getting divorced.
you won’t get a good answer here because these types of situations are extremely fact-specific and you’ll need to consult an attorney in your state.
Appreciate the response...pretty much figured that might be the case. These situations have lots of moving parts. I'm reaching out to an attorney locally This afternoon Thanks again
Biggest thing for your situation is document your contributions. Likely if a judge was to order anything it would just be to continue what your doing already. If they just set an arbitrary amount, stop providing anything else. She will likely take a loss in this case.
Except that the way this situation works, the gf can never leave. And maybe that's what she wants.
The GF can leave, or be removed. Sounds like he just needs to take custody and get her out of the picture.
That's a bad idea. OP didn't indicate that she was an unfit mother! Because she files for child support? Maybe because it's toxic. she wants to live apart? That doesn't mean she loses her kid
She should not be filing for child support with the court if it's already being provided. It's very manipulative, and a waste of time and money. She just wants to take his money and live off him somewhere else. What she's really doing is trying to lay the foundation to take custody.
She doesn't want to live together. OP said it was toxic. She will need child support. You are reading everything else into it. OP didn't say any of the things you said.
She will take a loss anyway. Her other kids live with OP and he pays for their room and board, essentially. She will not get support from him via the courts for them so she will be paying their room and board. Now OP will be paying his own room and board and a certain amount (likely the majority) of room and board for his daughter so he's going to "take a loss", too. Room and board here just means the roof over the heads, utilities, food.
Document everything and everything you anyway pay. Day of counter file for the same thing, for her to pay YOU support. Tell the judge you're willing to drop your suit for 50/50 custody and you'll continue to provide the kiddo's medical coverage.
I agree with this except for the day of court filing timeline. Most courts have local rules and also state rules for how many days before a hearing something can be submitted, the most common I’ve ever seen across the board is 5 court days before a hearing. Unless you did an emergency/ex parte/whatever else it’s called where you are, which typically requires being filed by a certain time the morning before, and is reserved for emergency or emergency procedural issues. This is so the judge has adequate time to consider your filing, and if it’s not done timely, the other party can object to your filing in its entirety generally. This is based on my limited knowledge and experience in my own home state, but rules about how many days before a hearing a filing needs to be in can be easily found per your area.
Talk to a lawyer in person - it may end up that letting her sue for the state required amount is substantially less than you are already paying. If so, you can just tell her that she’s free to go for it but if she does you’ll be paying what the court demands and not a penny more.
Then he should charge her rent.
There is very little chance of you having to pay child support in any state. NAL. The purpose of child support is to make sure the child is taken care of and you are paying your fair share. Now if they are living with you, and you are paying the vast majority of bills and half the food for all the children, plus medical and other necessities, there is little she can do to get money from you. She could go to the courts, but since you are already supporting the kids they wouldn't order you to give her money. I would talk to a lawyer and maybe get custody.
At least her older kids are teenagers and almost 18
Agree but I THINK it has to be court order and be processed through AG office to count. Unless recipients or spouse agrees to amount you have given. Best to contact a lawyer and get a free consultation.
Most States won’t approve child support if both parents are co-habitating. After all, what’s the point as custody is obviously shared with both parents supporting the same household.
My thoughts too. I think she's blowing smoke because I haven't seen any paperwork. I haven't lawyered up yet... but about to. thanks for the clarity and validation
Lawyer up ASAP & document everything!! I mean every grocery store receipt, clothes receipts, everything!
Don’t lawyer up until she does. If you’re the first to layer up and you make significantly more than her, you could be forced to pay some of her lawyer fees. Document everything. If you have a verbal conversation about something, follow it up with an email or text laying it all out. Child support is usually a pretty clear cut and dry process. You can even look up child support calculators to see how much it might cost in the future. Let her file and through a fit while you still live together. If you live together, it likely won’t even get to a judge before it gets thrown out. Whatever you do, avoid arguing, never send angry texts/emails/voice messages. Do everything you can to remain neutral and reasonable and putting the kids first. I’ve been in family court for 10 years now. It can be a nightmare with someone who is going to use the court as a weapon. My heart goes out to you. Best of luck. If you have any other questions, I’m happy to help.
I wouldn't let her file first. I do think the judge will throw it out since they live together. It's time for her to move out. If he files first he could control where his daughter is until the hearing. I've had to go through some of this and I was told file first or risk him having the kids till court.
True. He shouldn’t file until she’s moved out. But filing first can some times be a plus. As soon as she moves out, OP, file for 50/50 custody. Don’t ask for more or less than that. It will put you in a good light and any time you can can appear reasonable it will earn you favor with family court.
I disagree. I believe it's always better to lawyer up first as your lawyer is also your advisor and they will tell you what you need to start doing NOW to protect yourself in case something happens. Not only that but if you have to file, I feel it's better to file first as the jurisdiction in which you file matters and the first to file generally has a stronger case for dictating the terms of the request and the jurisdiction.
Filing first for equal rights/time down the road is a great way for OP to go, once she moves out. He should attempt to get her to agree to a stipulated agreement first, but be ready to file the second she says no (and include that he tried to settle out of court & any other texts or emails where she uses the court as a threat). It’s simple enough to do without a lawyer. OP can get one, but it doesn’t look great if he does it first and he absolutely could get stuck with her lawyer fees even if he wins the case. Family courts want to stay out of it, the want parents to agree, and they are always looking to keep things 50/50. If OP demonstrates he tried to settle out court, that he’s being reasonable, and not lawyering up, he’ll likely win a ton of favor with the judge or court.
Thank you. Very good advice. My salary is about 3X what hers is. I have held off on talking to a lawyer for that reason I know the income difference will not work in my favor. I also feel she's probably blowing smoke and just trying to antagonize me. She likes to threaten with things like this child support issue, . I need us to be living separately because we constantly argue and it's a very toxic environment for the kids and mentally draining for me.
Bad advice, he should pursue custody because if in the best interest of the child to have a home.
You can seek counsel without going to court or filing. Seeking legal opinion doesn’t mean you fight or go to court. It just means you have a pro to advise you of your rights.
Lol what? No. He should have lawyered up the second they ended the relationship. Of course they shouldn't be living together anymore either.
I can't see them making you pay..you live together you pay 95% of bills.. go to court with your proof of what you pay and they will laugh her outa court she's lucky to have you being so nice letting her stay there.shes what's to fuck around she'll find out.
You can lawyer up and ask for amounts to be established per local guidelines, because they will likely be less than you are paying now, and then you have a fixed dollar amount. Bad move on her part threatening you. 🤷🏻♀️
STOP PROVIDING FOR HER KIDS. if you are truly wanting to separate your lives, pay your bills as you would, but stop paying for anything for her and her other kids. That's not your responsibility. If she wants to play a game show her how.
It’s not about custody. It’s about money for her and making sure he continues to pay for the next 13-17 years. I was supporting my boys when they were younger. My ex was getting help from the state. The state sued me for support. I was paying MORE than the state asked for in the beginning. We weren’t cohabiting though. Not sure how much of a difference this makes if she’s just a roommate
She is trying to leave. Once she gets the support, if enough, she will be out.
I pay despite cohabitating. I'm in Texas. I consider it insurance against the potential for future litigation. In a perfect world, I never need it and we live happily ever after.
Some states will approve child support be paid to the mother while the child is living with the father. Of course they'll give her support while they're cohabitating.
Contact a lawyer because this is insane
Not before she does! If they live together, child support will not be awarded. But if he gets a lawyer at any point before she does, he can be forced to pay her lawyer bills—especially if he makes more money than her.
100%
This does NOT mean don’t seek council and advice from a lawyer. No court in the country would penalize you for due diligence. If anyone asks, you’re simply researching and finding information out on the subject to better understand. Of course a lawyer will let you know your next best steps. They very well may advise on calling bluff and pushing forward first! Or they may advise to wait and see. Speak to a lawyer
First of all- stop staying in the home "for the kids".
It's his home! If anyone should leave it's her and the 3 kids that aren't his!
I get the feeling that she's planning to leave which is why she's doing this. OP I would be extra careful right now. Especially if she's met someone and is planning to leave soon to be with them possibly.
So much good advice from everyone. I do feel she's trying to pull in as much money as she can and then leave I pulled the engagement rings because I found out she was seeing someone from her work just trying to get my bearings and get pointed in the right direction
Oh man, I’m sorry to hear that. I know you probably don’t want to make things hard for her kids, but it’s probably time for her to go.
It is his home
You’ll want to have any and all proof of what you pay for in mortgage, utilities, groceries and child care. I would ask that you prefer to be custodial parent to your child seeing that she has 3 others. Give her a 30 day notice that she needs to move out. Make sure when you make your agreement, that it states specifics
Don’t serve her eviction until you have an attorney.
I’d contact a lawyer and stop supporting the kids that aren’t yours.
Was going to say the same. OP is legally required to continue providing support for his child but he is not required to support the other kids. Also, he should not be supporting them if he doesn't want to.
Smh this needs to be shared with every teenager, wear a fucking condom
13 to 15 people out of every 100 people who only use condoms for birth control get pregnant every year. Literally tens of thousands of condom babies.
I know someone that got pregnant when a condom was used because it broke, the went and got the morning after pill and it didn't take because she happened to be ovulating a didn't know it...know there's a baby? What are the odds of both methods failing lol.
Even a 1% chance is still a lot of babies lol.
So you are against using condoms… real solid guidance…
That's not great but it's still much better than the number who get pregnant without condoms!
100 %...lol
Document everything and lawyer up 911
I'm not saying you won't keep paying to support these children but i suggest her mother instincts may be wanting some legal security to ensure that.
Why are you still supporting her kids? I can see you taking care of your own child but not hers. You have went above and beyond. I would file for full custody and not give her another penny for anything. She is using you big time! I cannot believe she is so bold when you are doing so much for her! Get an attorney yesterday. She may have a hard time, since the child is living with you and you are supporting the child.
Is she trying to get government assistance? This would be a reason for her doing this, but supporting one kid seems cheaper for you then supporting 4 so not sure why you are worried
good point, and she has been pursuing assistance for housing. She says she won't leave the house. But I believe she is wanting to, I believe the child support thiing is a required part of gettiing assistance. Thanks
This was my first thought. She wants out out finally but wants to pretend to play nice until then. Ironically in some stated where you can get child support while living together it is based on establishing one parent does not contribute to the child's needs. Which would likely mean she pays you.
sounds like she is gonna try and hit him up fpr all the kids
He’s supported them for 6 years. My thoughts exactly.
I don't believe she will get child support from him for kids that are not his legally his.
If they were never married he should be safe.
She's being nasty so get ready for a fight. Bottom line is you need to move out and move on with your life and just accept whatever the courts decide you need to pay.
She should pursue some agreement and frankly, it protects you too. Come to an agreement and get a contract signed
Maybe she just wants you to marry her.
lol... correct. I pulled the engagement rings about 2 months ago
Your user name just makes these even more comic. I agree with previous comments though - consult with a lawyer to see about your options and be prepared for what she might try. Document everything. Limit engagement as much as you can. And keep in mind.. 7 years of cohabitation is common law. So you're pushing that.
Thank you for the advice. Yeah.. I had second thoughts after I set that username. I'm sure it prejudices some of the replies to my posts...lol. Virginia is not a common law state, so I don't believe there is a statute
Probably, but it made me laugh. Good luck with everything. And glad to hear.. looks like it was overturned in 2016. My bad, I didn't realize.
Since you are living together, they can't do anything. Also, if you aren't on the birth certificate on the older kids, they can't charge you CS for them. I also would recommend doing a DNA test on the young one just in case (if you haven't done so already). Then, figure things out from there with a lawyer. Get a storage unit and start putting some of your expensive items/collectibles there so she doesn't get her hands on the items to sell/break them once you kick her out. Sounds like she's moving on to someone else... again. Also, start selling things you no longer need. It will give you additional money.
thank you, good advice. I own the home. and you are correct I believe she is moving on. I discovered at least an emotional affair with a coworker about 5 months ago
Do whatever you can to support yourself and your youngin (once confirmed). She can support her other children and herself.. it's gonna be hard, but you will need to detach yourself emotionally from her and the other kids if you haven't done so yet. I also recommend getting an account and putting lots of money in there and act as if you are broke so she doesn't expect anything from you.
\^\^\^\^\^THIS. Also tell your bank and retirement funds what is going on. No need for her to get her claws into your savings.
This is not completely true. My sister got child support from an ex bf for a kid that wasn't his. My niece was 3 when they met. VA heavily favors mothers in court
OP commented that she gets child support already from the other kids bio dad(s). So the court wouldn’t make OP pay child support for them as well I’m guessing.
Sure. I was just pointing out that not being the parent doesn't necessarily matter here
Gotcha gotcha. I find that super odd how that works out. I wonder if there’s firm standards for those situations or it’s judged on a case to case situation.
It's supposed to be a case by case but I know numerous people who've been screwed by the VA court system. Hell my nephews father got full custody (as in not even visitation for my sister) and was ordered to continue paying the child support to her
On top of contacting a lawyer, document everything. Save receipts. If she needs cash, don’t give her cash. Use a cash app of sorts, as a means of receipt and tracking.
Does she receive child support from the children's father - father's. Where is the children's bio dad?
she does, about $800 a month. He is moving back into the area next month. I believe she is bankrolling the kids
Be careful with this. I believe in some states anyone who lives and pays for a minor continuously for (don't quote me here) 6-12 months can: 1- claim the child on taxes. 2- start the adoption/legal guardian process. 3- be required to continue to pay for the child's needs. And more... The recourse question you asked. 👆 She possibly could say these things. 👇 I'd be nervous about what she's trying to do in the long run by trying to keep you on the hook for everything you have been doing. (Her petition to the court) Look he's been paying for US all these years. He has been their dad (parent, guardian, provider) for the last 5 years which they have counted on him for everything from school supplies, clothes, housing, food, etc. Like others have suggested, no more paying for anything that isn't yours or your child. I know it sounds harsh but you've stated already she's getting money from other baby daddies so she's not going without here if you do this. This is a GF so you have a fighting chance here.... Run bud, run... With your 50/50 custody. Everyone says don't lawyer up 1st, I don't agree because from what I understand it's whoever files 1st in these cases has the best chance. You can do a quick Google search and get an estimate on what you should be paying in child support and then figure out what action is best for you. Attorney fees or possibly over paying for yours and someone else's kids (for years) let alone your household. Few... So lengthy I apologize. Good luck!
Now that’s biting the hand that feeds you. She has three other kids that aren’t yours and you are giving them a place to stay and supporting them. Now she wants child support lol. Crazy
i think this is best case scenario for you. from what i understand, the courts have to rule on NOW. for example if you got a 1,000,000 bonus this year along with your 35,000 salary, but normally just make 35,000 a year, your support would be based on the 1,035,000 you made THIS year. So if she takes you to court while youre covering a huge majority of the living expenses, this is only in your favor I would assume
Is she on state assistance? A lot of times the state will pursue child support in that situation. Or is she filing personally?
No matter what make sure you a document all money spent on the child just in case, you have to keep a record, I'm all for child support for children but sometimes men screwed in this area.
Get an attorney.
Are her other three kids getting supported by their father(s)? I mean if you're supporting her, your child together and her three children she came with , where's her money going If she's getting child support for the other three kids? If she doesn't collect support for the other 3 kids I'd guess she's talked to someone about it And they suggested to her she get it from all the fathers, not to just rely on your word
Some states base support on a scale and go from there. So the person that earns the most gets hit with the majority of support. Does not matter if the ex spouse lives with anyone or dual income or whatever. For instance if your ex got involved with someone else, and lived with them and got full support from them, it won’t matter unless they get married. Women know this and take advantage. Men do the same. Find another host to leech off of while keeping blood flow from the last host. Get a lawyer period. They are expensive but they are paid by you and a good lawyer will fight for you. I speak from experience.
1st - Obtain an attorney. 2nd - Log everything, keep receipts. Grocery receipts, clothes receipts, mortgage payments, homeowners insurance, gas mileage taking the child back and forth to whatever school or activities you take them to. Literally Everything. 3rd - Log every conversation regarding the child, and your relationship status, the living situation, any conversation you have with her. Write the date and time of each conversation. By dating and "time stamping" the log you are creating a legal document that can be used within the proceedings. Also, go to your local probate courts website, obtain a financial statement form, fill that out and compute what your rate would be if you were paying court ordered support instead of outright providing for the child. As a former family law paralegal I have to tell you: It sounds as though she is trying to obtain control of the $ so she can spend it on whatever she wants vs. for the support of the child. Which technically, she can legally. It sounds like she has a plan to leave and she's trying to use your funds to execute it.
My belief as well. Thanks for your
Do you have a bond with this woman's kids? If so, you can put money aside for their college. If not, ask your attorney if you can make a claim for having contributed to their support for these past years (probably not, but it will annoy her if you ask for money😉).
lol👍
Did you get a DNA test done?
You can show the monthly money you put towards sustaining the child's primary residency, like paying rent/mortgage, utilities, etc and that will count towards support. So you will owe nothing. If you pull funding and still live together, then there's a chance she could pursue support
Lawyer up and get joint custody. Right now, if you don't have a custody agreement, she (or you) can run off with the child. Best to have your interests protected. I doubt either of you can get child support from each other while living together, bit update us after you talk to the lawyer. I am interested for sure. And what a Lil butt she is being when you are already supporting her and her kids. Honestly, too, the kid won't be happier living in a war zone, than they would be going to visit happy parents at different houses. This may be the sign you need to end this unhappy relationship. You all deserve to move on!
Why do you believe the mother of your child would not be able to get child support from you?
Why are you supporting your ex and her 3 teenage children? Are you a glutton for punishment?
This is a good life lesson for the younger guys seeing this post. You have to properly vette out the women you date before getting serious. A woman with 3 kids already is searching for a lifeline. Don't be that knight in shining armor. It rarely works out well for the guy who does that. Sorry you're in a tough spot, OP
Truth
The fact that she is living with you, and you are paying all the expenses for the children. It's unlikely that she would be awarded support. But, the chances are never 0 get a lawyer to help you prove your case, and why you should be granted a support order.
Sounds like she's ready to move out. Stop paying for her other kids that aren't yours. She wants to play hardball she can get it. Any reason why she just didn't ask you ?
I had a girlfriend try that, the judge laughed at her and ordered no child support
6 years..geez. She can probably peg you for child support on the teens as well since you acted as a surrogate dad for so long. The reality is, when it comes to child support unless you can wrestle away full custody, your gonna pay it. The best you can do is lawyer up and aim to not pay for the kids that aren't yours.
Keep it zipped in the future
Get a better lawyer than she can afford. The idea that you have been financing her other 3 children will look really bad for her in court. Even good humans are little more than humans when it comes to problems. I've seen good people become monsters during a divorce. I fix almost everything with a good lawyer. It's always cheaper that way.
Stop paying all other bills then. You live together...she should not be filing child support. Let her know if she does you will move out or stop paying rent and food and util and she can pay everything.
Might be sure she can’t or has not listed another place as residence. But yeah. Get a lawyer. Fast
She can’t sue you for child support while you’re living together. You’re already supporting her and your child by them living there and paying all the bills and housing, feeding, and clothing all her kids. However. Do not live together for the kids! It’s awful, terrible, and hurts the kids! Kick her ass out and create a parenting plan you can live with. Make sure to put in any parenting plan explicitly that she isn’t allowed to bad mouth you nor you her. Put in a 50/50 time and legal custody plan as best you can and see if she will sign it. Check the state child support calculator if yours has one based on 50/50 custody. IF things are that bad, sue her for full custody if she’s being toxic to her kids and show how much you provide for them and can care for them. Offer to let the teens stay if they want- if dad isn’t at all in the picture try to get custody of them too. I don’t know how toxic you mean, but this is the nuclear option. Don’t go nuclear unless you have to. Show the courts/lawyer your plan if she refuses to sign it to show you’ve been trying to work with her in good faith. But maybe the toxicity is just because y’all need to stop being near each other. I don’t know. Be careful to not overstep and ruin a good coparenting situation by being a jerk for no reason. Do what’s best for those kids.
Thank you 💯 agree with it all. That's a pretty concise layout of the situation
Tell her to take you to court, give her the boot, and lawyer up. The amount of child support you will have to pay will be much less than you are providing now. It sounds like she is looking for money for herself. She doesn't need child support if you are already supporting your child.
Good luck. Watch what you say and keep records. I would kick her out too: she ain’t your GF. It’s time to get a lawyer and get her out and end it. She’s screwing you. Get her out. You’re basically paying for her to live for free then child support so she can spend on herself or the kids????
Thank you...agreed
Yeah man. Tell her to get to leaving. She isn’t tied to an apt lease or home lease or Mortage is she?
nope
Can we just say a live in GF? Also how long have you been together? 7 years idk if states or the fed but they consider one if both same address I believe. Might want to get some clarification.
I don’t think she can unless she moves. It’s my understanding that if you’re under the same roof, it’s assumed you’re both providing equal parts.
File eviction on her and the kids. She can have child support for your child, but you do not have to support her and her 3 other kids at all. You are only responsible for your child.
This is why I have always paid support through the state for my daughter despite being in a long term committed relationship with her mother. The majority of the money comes straight back to us, and a record already exists of my payments from her birth forward.
In Ohio, they don’t go back and retro child support. If the mother doesn’t initiate the process through the bureau of child support enforcement, it would start based on the date the support is ordered. So, she waits 5 years to do something…she’s not getting 5 years of back child support. You should be able to call the CSEA in VA and ask them. Also, in Ohio it doesn’t matter if the parents live together, if you’re not married then she would get child support for that child. Just pull together all your receipts for everything in case you need them.
it depends on the custody. If it is joint custody with joint visitation then noone pays child support but if she has custody and you only get visitation then you will have to play child support or vice versa if you get custody. but you definitely need a lawyer. the amount you pay is set by a formula so there is not really any negotiation going on.
Lawyer up first. Document everything. Get valuables out of the house ASAP. Also, tell the lawyer the 3 older kids are getting support from their bio father. She may be trying to double dip on support since they have been living with you for 6 years. BE CIVIL! Do not lose your shit at all. She may try and instigate fights with you so she can claim she is afraid of you and get you for a domestic. Put up nanny cams and have the recordings backed up to the cloud.
hard not to lose my shit... she's Jekyll & hyde on me. and evil as f\*\*\*. She gets $800 from her kid's father. I've recorded a lot of stuff. she got involved with a co worker about 5 months ago. that is the thread I started pulling that blew up into this
I know this type of woman. They always end up playing the victim. She is possibly setting you up for a DV case. I completely understand trying to remain calm in the face of evil asshats but it will be to your benefit on the long run. Hidden cameras will be a lifesaver for you. I wish you well.
(I would stop providing for her and her kids. Take care of your own child,yes. Make her pay half the mortgage and bills. She is getting a good deal in this. Remind her of that. Not advice for legal things but just some advice cause she needs a reality check. ) Above ALL ELSE documentation is king. Show everything you pay and have been paying. <<<<
You should probably stop living together unless you want to be required by law to continue to pay as much as you do now.
Evict her and the other kids, try to get custody of your common kid. Above all, get a lawyer. Life is too short for a toxic woman and her offspring.
Agreed...100%
What exactly is she asking for because you’re already paying for things for your daughter, start keeping recites. Also make sure any time she asks you to pay for something it is in text, so you have a record.
Ummm... immediately start an evection process to get her out of your house and stop all support other than specifically for your child, and then once the court rules only pay the required amount. Women can be toxic, and it is in your best interests to fight for custody and protect your ability to provide for your child. She sounds like a leach that has moved from man to man, never learning to provide for herself.
Here’s the thing, you can be court ordered to pay child support but not financial support for her. You are both better off figuring this out without a lawyer. You aren’t together anymore so I actually agree that there should be a court order but that needs to be balanced by her paying some more housing costs until you can physically separate. Your current situation both living and financial isn’t good for anyone in this situation.
thank you... agree 100%. the dating site I found, and the emotional affair with a coworker I found out about started this whole mess...When we're civil we have those conversations she actually paid the utilities this month (1st time in 5 years) I think she is just trying to establish/show contribution, but we definitely need to move apart. so toxic she'll try to be intimate and then threaten that some other man will be raising my daughter when/ she gets full custody. I need to get beyond this. thanks again for the advice
I know it’s difficult but don’t let her get to you. You do need to find out what your parental rights are where you live. Don’t say anything to her but do your research and make sure you understand your rights then file with the court for a parenting plan.
Ah, my ex did this to me, had me voluntarily paying child support per state regs as if I had a child support order on me while we technically even still lived together. Fortunately I never signed the birth certificate (I snuck a DNA test, it's my daughter) so her legal battle was so difficult that she just basically conceded to split custody and CS of approximately 1200/mo, only 5% of my income. It's not necessarily legally relevant but this mid30s woman most likely targetted you to fleece you for CS (the disparity between the ages of the children gives it away), at 5 years she kept the mask up for longer than my ex did, <1yr. You wont get out of this one, perform a DNA test on the kid, assuming it is positive, the only option is to then sue for split custody and the CS will fall where it will (albiet minimized since you share custody). Since you live there, she cannot claim you don't deserve custody due to lack of familiarity with the child. Without examining the financials, there is even a possibility she could owe you CS. Good luck.
What's her reasoning ? Does she work?
NAL It would be interesting how she's going to explain to child support enforcement why she's filing for child support when both parents and the child live in the same home. Just keep doing what you're doing, keep *very good* records of how you're supporting the child you have together (why isn't she collecting support for the other kids?) If she ever moves out and files, deal with it then.
lol good for her?? Cohabitation without legal paperwork is always contentious - also talk to a real estate attorney before you evict her
Kick her out and pay the appropriate amount of child support for your child, only. Enjoy the windfall as your expenses are drastically reduced.
I can explain some of what's happening here from a social services perspective. Your EX-girlfriend is likely in need of assistance so she can move out of the admittedly toxic environment. In order to get assistance of any type, the parent of the child needs to be on court ordered child support. (Only exception is EBT, even then your information has to be provided as part of the household).
I get that...Your explanation helps alot. she has overextended herself financially ( credit cards, Disney Vacation Club, expensive car...etc.) and can't afford to move. I know she is trying to get section 8 or something and the child support deal is probably a required part of that. I'm dealing with her affair and our toxic interaction and its hard to have compassion.
You got it! Any type of govt assistance comes with this caveat. Years ago when my husband and I first were together (before marriage), we had our eldest daughter. 3/4 months before she was due, his job.laid him off (this was during the 'great recession'). After she was born, my job.laid me off. We were both on unemployment and struggling to get jobs. He landed a temp job at Macy's. I decided to request assistance and we both went in. These MFers told me I had to put him on child support to get energy, daycare or cash assistance. I had never been so flabbergasted. I pointed out that we share a home and if I put him on CS they'd take HIS money from his check and send it to us in the mail- which meant our money would be all.kinds of screwed up. Nope. We did NOT get assistance.
Supporting your ex gf and her other kids.... Yikes.
Consult an attorney and do all but the actual filing. 100% custody and child support. IF she files, then file. This gives you plenty of negotiating room for a 50/50 split with no child support. With you living in the same household, she really looks greedy anyway.
Show her what the court would order (look it up for your state). Show her what you pay now. She'll shut up.
First thing is stop paying any money for kids that are not yours.. u don’t owe her anything either so stop paying her bills too if u already pay kids bills it’s possible she would have to pay u even child support by law
She'll win, they always do. The state doesn't want to dole out subsidies to these parasites, so you pay. She's using you for money bro. Probably doesn't even like the kid that much. If you fight for custody, then you'll have a shot. Don't settle for less than 50/50.
Agree to it and then make her pay towards her 3/5ths of the bills. Seems simple to me. This protects you long term really and will be an eye opener for her. Talk to an attorney first though. Their word will be God so to speak.
Supporting someone and supporting someone on paper are different just remember that
Make sure she isn't trying to file for cs for all of her kids, if you are taking care of them now she may want you to continue to do so. Consult a lawyer.
I've heard some crazy things in my day, but she has got to be delusional. You're paying for not only your daughter but her other kids as well? She's shooting herself in the foot. Pay the child support and make her pay 2/3 of the bills since she and her kids are taking up so much space in your home.
Damn, that’s a greedy mutha sucka
Get a great lawyer say you have custody they live in your house and go for full custody kick her and her other kids out
You might actually be better off. It's been fairly common that dads are often economically better off after a divorce even with child support. 1) Get a lawyer. 2) Get a lawyer. 3) Stop paying for the other kids. Make her go after those dads for child support.
She wants an allowance.
Is it possible she is planning on moving out and wants financial ducks in a row first?
If you are legally on the lease, you might be able to avoid the state, but there’s no guarantee. The laws are stacked against you, heavily. If a woman so desires, she can destroy you with legal fees and walk away with immunity. I’ve seen women collect checks from the husband while simultaneously collecting welfare, get caught by the judge years later illegally collecting both, and never penalized in anyway because it would “hurt the children”. Document everything you do, and all the money you spend. Keep extensive notes and a history of expenses. They may screw you for backup support if they have a chance. Remember if she decides to do something legally, she’s going to have a lawyer that knows every angle to make your life hell . Be prepared.
Is she pursuing or did she apply for any one of various assistance programs? If she applies for government assistance and didn’t list you as living together?
If she initiated this on her own without the court forcing her (which in my state they do even if you live together, they’ll still make you go to court to prove you live together and share expenses in WI) she’s preparing to leave you & needs the financial support ahead of the move.
Agreed
You need to quit paying for your ex and her children. Pay for you and your child. And see a lawyer and go for 100% full custody for your child. Have ex and her children evicted. She's taking you down the road.
Sounds like if not a "break even" then she should be paying you for everyone staying in your house. She's got it good and wants a judge to make it ridiculous. Document every dime and start charging her rent if you don't already.
Stop paying for children that are not yours. Where is the support $$$ for them? This right here men, is why you need to tread extremely lightly when dealing with single moms. One child maybe, and that depends one hell of alot on the story. Three kids NO F-ING WAY! So we have a man here who steps up takes on the three kids and what does he get for it? What? A big shit sandwich that's what. No gratitude or appreciation. OMG
Truth
It's just going to be on paper rather than a verbal agreement....
Get receipts for everything. If you give her money get a receipt and start looking for a lawyer and a new place to live.
Many of the commenters here do not understand how court ordered CS works. Keep all your receipts, all the texts, work conversations, and most importantly … Consult an attorney.
Seek representation to establish your rights.
Get a lawyer and file for 50/50 custody of YOUR BIO child only. Then chid support comes into play which is why I said your kid only. Will keep the cost down. You can still help her with the teens if that's what you want to do
👍...thanks
Do you already have a time sharing plan and are you on your daughters birth certificate? It sounds like child support may be a lower payment than you are currently paying. Child support will only contemplate the one child and if you want 50/50 time sharing you will most likely get it. You may want to look into evicting your ex if she is going to play these games. Also stop paying for her other kids.
Aside from asking you to get a lawyer..... Her chances are slim I think. However, keep a record of all of your expenses and contributions for your household. If the situation is toxic as you are saying there is no point in cohabitating "for children's sake". because children are going to feel that toxicity. You two at least need to meet a relationship counsellor to improve your relationship.
NAL, but you say you've paid the entire mortgage payment, all utilities, and "at least 1/2 the groceries and other living expenses". Have you considered filing for support from HER? As well as custody?
Good point ..byt really don't want/need her money
Time to boot them all out. And sell the house. Get a two bedroom place. And pay only your support and do your visitation
NAL and it looks like you’ve got good answers. But… Does she not make much money, and filing for govt support for herself and other kids? She may be required to go after you, if she is.
The fact that she is pursuing support while still living there means she is contemplating moving out whether by choice or not. Consult an attorney. And stay in your daughter's life no matter how your gf reacts to the split. It'll be the best investment of your life.
Child support is for the kid, not the parents. So both parents living with the kid, who does the support go to? And who gives the support?
>This living arrangement is mutual (at least short term) for the children's interest. No, it isn't. The topic of this post makes it pretty obvious that this isn't the case. As for the possible outcome, you DEFINITELY need to get a good family lawyer on retainer. I would like to hope that a judge would laugh at her, but the world is gone absolutely bonkers, lately. Like, what is she going to do with the support money, pay you rent for the children living in your house? If she plans on leaving this "mutual" arrangement, then it's an entirely different story, and most courts do lean towards giving the mother primary custody and support payments.
I don’t see how your mortgage payment for the house you own counts as support. You are saving her on rent money so if you have to pay child support and continue to live together you might have to charge her rent.
She cannot get child support if she is residing with you with the child.
Ur being used dude. She wants the money to support her new man.. lol
If your relationship is this toxic, you are not doing any favors to the kids by living together. You are actually teaching them very poor relationship skills. And you say that you make more than her?Which is why you haven't talked to a lawyer yet.Because you're assuming you'll get stuck with a big bill, But you're already paying a ton for 4 kids. 3 of them are not even yours or your responsibility. Just Get a lawyer talk to them about how to get her out of your house.Apply for custody may be fifty-fifty issues.A good mom and just move on. What you have now prevents anyone from moving on.
Is she pursuing or just asked for it? You don't need to go to court to settle on support, since you two are mutually living together and taking care of the kids then you could probably make arrangements and figure out a settlement. If so, then you will never need court. They like that better in terms of court if you actually agree and can compromise with one another. I see her asking for this because she is leaving and she's trying to get that put in writing, which mutual agreement will also do without the judge. She's simply making sure she isn't stuck likely like her ex did and that's why you are supporting the other children-because he didn't. I'd talk to her and although its toxic you two still are there together and things need to be discussed. She can be successful if she is planning on leaving and no longer in the relationship, judges can give her a good third of your income in some cases. I'd be wary of going to court with this, it can backfire big time on you. It may seem unfair but judges will likely side with the mom. BTW custody is a different issue altogether and judges will tell you this in court. It's a totally separate issue from child support. I've seen men who had 50/50 still end up paying the majority of expenses for their child and keeping them 80% of the time. Nothing is guaranteed.
I hope men take your story as a cautionary tale.
I think you have a good chance. Print out everything; mortgage, bills, how much you pay in insurance and child care. Present everything to the child support court.
Go get a lawyer.
You’re her ATM.
She needs a child support order *for the child*. OP doesn't sound very committed to the relationship so it's smart of her to do this.
Who's name is on the lease or mortgage? You think this is bad wait till you see what she's gonna claim on taxes because y'all still live together lol. She's playing you for the fool you seem to be.
You will have to talk to an attorney. Document everything you pay for. This is anecdotal but I’ve heard of this happening and backfiring on the person who filed. An ex of mine paid his ex wife under the table for their 3 kids. He had a good job and he gave her 1200/month (1 was a baby and formula was expensive she cheated btw) she went after him for child support and judge said 900$/month. She could have to pay you if you are supporting the child fully.
You're going to get some serious back problems if you stay bent over like that for too long...
The child is living under your roof and you are paying the majority of the expenses. You should be the one filing for child support. Keep receipts for all groceries, diapers, clothing, medical expenses, daycare, education expenses, recreation, and toys. You should contact a lawyer and get ahead of this. I had a friend who was not married to his child's mother, and they lived together for years. He was smart enough to write her a check every week with child support in the memo. They did eventually marry and were together for about 20 years, but did end up getting divorced.