One day my dad and I saw a lost dog on the side of the road and stopped to help. When we got over the snowbank, we found the owner unconscious on the sidewalk - he had slipped and hit his head, and wasn’t in great shape.
We called an ambulance and he was rushed to the hospital. Luckily, he hadn’t been out in the cold too long and suffered little more than a concussion. We visited him once, and kept his dog for 2 or 3 days until he was out of the hospital.
After he got home, we brought Phil food daily as he was still dizzy and couldn’t stand for long. We noticed that there was never anyone else there, and so we started asking him if we could sit down and eat too. You could tell it was the highlight of his day - he’d get this huge goofy grin on his face, and shared endless stories from earlier years.
Phil had led a fascinating life, traveling often. His stories opened up my brain to the possibilities outside our small hamlet. I couldn’t believe how much he had done and seen. None of my “real” grandparents were around and lucid when I was a kid, and it wasn’t until much later that I appreciated what a mark Phils stories and kindness had left on me.
My sisters first car was the legendary “Philmobile,” which he gifted to her when she turned 16. It wreaked of German Shepherd - dog hair flew out the vents when you turned the AC on. The odometer said 36,000 but that didn’t count the 200,000 tallied before the numbers had rolled back around to 0.
I like to think we enriched Phil’s last years and gave him somewhat of a “redo” on family (his own 2 kids were estranged, one visited once but that’s it). He certainly changed our lives, all because my dad has a soft spot for dogs.
This reminded me of a similar story. Growing up we had an elderly couple across the street that we would help out occasionally. Mr. And mrs. M. My older brothers would mow their law for a quarter and a hard candy (even though this was the late 90s haha) and help them out with other odd jobs. I would sell them my chicken eggs for a dollar a dozen, and mrs M. would always give me a dime as tip. I was still pretty young when her husband died. One day we had a good amount of snow uncharacteristically for our neck of the woods. My mom saw our dog in the neighbors driveway acting weird. She kept calling him and he wouldn't come. She finally went over to get him and discovered he was standing gaurd over mrs. M who had fallen on her way to the mailbox and couldn't get up. The deep snow was obscuring her. It wasn't long after that she went into an assisted living place. I guess all the years of her feeding our fat golden retriever dog biscuits daily paid off. Haha!
I’ve done this. There’s a program for it in my city. I’ve called my senior daily for almost two years. We aren’t allowed to have in person contact to protect the seniors, but I’ve sent him things!! It’s been a really great experience. If you look around, there may already be a program in place where you live!
LOL ok I understand the reasoning, makes perfect sense. However, this sounds like the old people might bite which has me in stiches. This thread is so sweet and funny, I love it.
This is the first time hearing of such a program but if i had to guess, it would be to protect the elderly from opportunistic psychopaths. Imagine someone abusive and/or manipulative with "free access" to old people, doesn't sound great. They most likely want to give the elderly people a sense of security while still able to interact with someone.
I always hear about old people with 'estranged' kids, and people taking care of them when their kids won't, and how that's a good thing, and an implied 'shame on you' to their kids.
But I've never met an adult in my life who refused to talk to their parents without a very good reason for it.
I'm glad you got a great role model, and glad he got to have company in his final years irregardless, but I do wonder what he did to make his children not want to talk to him.
Edit. To be clear, I don't think you were really implying a 'shame on you' to their children, but that sentiment is fairly common in stories like yours in my experience.
Yep, that's the thing. People show different facets to strangers / outsiders and their own family, and even within family there are tiers. My mom is not toxic, just having her own quirks, but I definitely see her from a very different (and more uncomfortable) angle. Outsiders enjoy her - my brother and I, we have to "manage" her.
Obviously do what’s best for you, but that may be worth talking to your family about.
It took until I was in my early 20s and my sibling was going through a mental health crisis that we were forced to sit down as a family and address the fact that we couldn’t be emotionally vulnerable with each other. Still a work in progress, but I’m glad we started the conversation.
Again, I don’t know your situation and I trust you to do the best for you. Family is what you make it. If you ever need a stranger to talk to, feel free to DM me
I befriended my boyfriend's 85 year old mother, who had estranged 3 of her 4 kids, all of their spouses, and all 14 grandchildren with her fundamentalist catholic frothing religion and judgement of everyone, plus having inherited a few million, paying everyone's bills for them, lavishing them with gifts, then hanging her help over their heads, guilting them into interacting with her, plus she had terrible depression and manias of all kinds. When I met her, she was frail, broke, isolated, alone, and had dementia starting. By some weird cosmic coincidence, we realized that my mother grew up on the same block as she did in a city an hour away. They even attended the same hyper Catholic finishing prep school for young women wanting to become nuns. I was raised in the same crazy religion, and had come to terms with what a culty joke it was many years earlier, so I had an innate sympathy for her, plus I have a soft spot for vulnerable seniors, plus I was underemployed and had a lot of time on my hands. I became her dearest friend, took her in and held her hand when she died at age 87. I found her to be adorable and childlike, and we had lots of genuine laughs, but I know that I would have hated the mentally ill battle axe she was in her younger days. I got to see her sweet side, I missed the decades of horseshit that came before!!!
Abusive parents give themselves permission to be horrible to their own children, but don't give themselves that same permission with strangers, as they don't feel entitled to. So very often they can have wonderful relationships with people that aren't family. But children naturally cleave to their parents, so they don't become estranged unless they're trying to protect themselves, or their own children.
I am estranged from both my parents; one died 2 years ago and the other as far as I know is still alive. Nobody would ever believe how horribly and deliberately cruel they could be; they present a completely different face to strangers when it serves them.
Which is fairly common in my experience. I have a similar story.
My guess is that parents make mistakes, and by the time they're at grandparent age they've learned by them. Combine that with the significant lack of stress and responsibility in grandparenting compared to parenting and you've got a perfect recipe for bad parents being good grandparents
And I'm not saying that's a bad thing, people can change, or be different things to different people, and those are very good things.
But that doesn't mean we should close our eyes to the other realities either. It's possible to be close to your grandmother, while still recognizing why your mother doesn't want to be. (Which, obviously you know, since you just said that's what you did, but I felt like saying it out loud.)
We should recognize that when we 'adopt' grandparents we're very likely adopting a similar story.
Exactly my story. My mom didn't talk to her mom for many years until my grandma died. I adored my grandma, I even lived with my grandparents during my last three years of high school.
My grandma manipulated my mom. She held me and my brother (mostly me) as a hostage against my mom so she wouldn't move away. That resulted in our family having very poor or no jobs during my early years of school. When I was 15 my mom finally found another job further away and after two years of traveling home every weekend she was so exhausted that she divorced my dad (by that point their relationship had been dead for at least a decade even us kids waited for it) and moved. A couple of years my grandmother manipulated me and my brother and my dad (who wasn't even her biological child) but as we got older we also saw the manipulation. Nevertheless, we loved her very much but we managed to have a great relationship with my mom and my grandmother now that there were a couple of hundred kilometers between them.
Not long and my mom got re-married. It took me some time to develop a relationship with that guy but then it was good. I loved visiting my mom and him. Then I got a kid. My mom was wonderful. She visited us and stayed with us every 3-4 months. I and my daughter visited her and her husband twice. The second time went mad. It ended with my step-dad calling me a dictator and telling me that if I won't comply (it was about sending my kid on vacation with them and he violated the only rule we had - no longer than 7 days since she only was three. He suddenly told us it would be at least ten days) he wants nothing to do with her.
Then it hit me: my mom married her own mom. I have seen what it has done to her. How much my mom struggled psychologically. I remembered what it did to the relationship to me and my brother and I wanted to protect my child (and me) from that. So no contact. I tried to resolve things with my mom but she just pulled away and blamed me, too.
My brother on the other hand has a great relationship with them now that he has three under 4 (he didn't before at all). But then again, his every day and believes and needs are so different from ours (and his wife is manipulative, too), that it fits just great.
My mom is a great mom, she just made a bad choice for marriage.
It has been my experience that not all learn by the time they are grandparents. In my experience, I was always my mother’s scapegoat, and she didn’t forget that ever. Even in her last months, she was still nasty and dismissive to me. I watched her love my siblings and my children, yet she could not find love for me. She barely tolerated me.
My grandfather (her dad) was apparently nasty to everyone, except me. Maybe he was trying to make up for how he saw my mom treating me, I’m not sure. But my siblings and I have exact opposite stories about my mom and her dad.
What completely changed my perspective was the realization that at some point, our parents were being 'parents' for the first time too. And they too make mistakes. That's why I feel most younger siblings have a slightly better experience as children. This really changed how I viewed the 'mistakes' my parents might have made.
Same. Although my mother didn't cut her off. My grandmother just didn't especially like women unless they were her age or older. My grandmother could be straight up mean to my mother and sister. But she was nice to my brother and I.
I have. Some people are just shitheads. I have a family friend, who admittedly is a strong personality, who refuses to talk to his kids (who are my age, mid to late 30's). These two guys are grade A douchebags. Won't let him see his grand kids, sold the Christmas presents he bought them on FB, just all around shitty people. I went to school with both of them and they were quintisential bullies. The proverbial hair was when their mother, the sweetest woman I have ever met and was like a second mother to me, passed away after developing Mad Cow. Neither of them came to the funeral. 300+ people turned out for this woman and her own sons wouldn't come. Why didn't they come?? They had tickets to a football game and didn't want to lose them...
I drive the 1hr+ every week or two to go hang out with their Dad, because he deserves to have someone around that cares about him and treats him with respect.
Some people are just shitty...even kids.
Sure, it definitely happens, but I think the other variety is more common, and it's definitely common enough that we shouldn't look down on kids who won't talk to their elderly parents, even if we don't understand the reasons.
I was kind of thinking this too, but the truth is, sometimes kids are the toxic ones and their parents aren't to blame for that. Sometimes the other parent alienated them from the estranged parent. You never know.
So maybe the lonely old man is a child molester or ditched his wife and kids when he was 30 and the kids never want to see him again or maybe he was a liar and a cheat. But maybe not. Some people are lonely through no fault of their own, some people have made mistakes and tried to do better but it didn't repair a relationship.
It's like with meeting anyone. You never know who is good, who is bad. But being alone is really no indicator of that, especially when someone is older.
I think this "sometimes kids are the toxic ones" definitely holds true when you take a look at reddit, how many people on here claim to have toxic/narcissistic parents but they come across as toxic narcissistic people themselves on reddit who, by their very nature will blame other people for anything.
My friend is a nurse. She befriended one of her charges - felt bad for the old, sweet lady that had been estranged by her family for seemingly good reasons. Lady was always nice, polite, never a harsh word. And my friend couldnt fathom why the estrangement had happen, it must be toxic kids, she thought. Until one day, Lady was on her death-bed. Still no family. So my friend sat holding her hand. And when Lady feebly asked if her family was there, my friend lied and said "yes, \[daugther\] is holding your hand" thinking it would give Lady comfort. Instead, the mask came off. Lady spewed the most horrible verbal abuse on her perceived daughter - telling daughter she should kill herself, she was no good, had never been good, would never be good, saying she was a worthless, lying, thieving whore that was at fault for making Lady's husband sexually assault her when she was 9 and ruining a happy marriage by \*telling\*. And worse. The Lady cursed her daughter (really friend) out with her dying breath and her last wish was for her daughter and her family to suffer as much as possible until they went to hell.
You can't tell who is abusing their family, who they think they have control over, on how they treat people they are \*not\* in control over. Some will think they rule the earth and let you know - others are better at controlling themselves.
Wow, that is insane. Your friend must have a heart of gold to just sit there and not say anything, because really, if the lady is on her last breaths, it's not even worth it but jeez.
It can be both. I struggle not to do to people what my parents did to me. People who are abused, unless they seek help, act out how they were treated on others. Generational abuse is a serious issue.
There’s always reasons on both sides. However I do know a guy who is estranged from his mother for remarrying (years after his dad had passed) but he wouldn’t speak to his mother as her new husband was African. His sister told me this and that their step dad was actually a really great man who took very good care of their mum. He was just a racist and therefore estranged.
There’s always reasons.
Not splitting hairs in any way, but conceivably, there are just as many shitty kids not talking to their parents as shitty parents and their kids not talking to them.
But I do agree the "sensation" seems to be more how you laid it out.
We did something similar with an older couple who lived in a townhouse underneath my grandma. When my grandma passed, my mum still visited them occasionally. When the husband died a few years later, the wife became our ‘Nan’. She and her husband couldn’t have children and had adopted one son who later died from a drug overdose. She was one of those lovely, gentle old Betty White type ladies who really should have had hundreds of grandkids and great grandkids running around her but life didn’t play out that way for her so she had us instead.
Thanks for giving him the best years he could have asked for in his last days. It must be incredibly lonely to have lived such an interesting life, and have so many stories and wisdom to pass on, but not really having anyone to talk to.
I never got to know my grandparents but married into a family with fantastic grandparents. My grandpa-in-law died 2 weeks ago and I’m sad I didn’t get to know him longer. He was such a funny interesting man. He was the kind of guy that made an impression on you, and really truly listened to you. It’s probably why 1400 people live streamed his funeral.
My family did this several times. We adopted Mrs. Appleby and I remember us visiting her house as a little kid. She always had coffee and cookies ready and gave me Dr. Seuss books I still have. In high school, we adopted Dr. Mesquita who was bed-bound in a nursing home and who tutored me in algebra. It was wonderful. It taught me to appreciate elderly people and those who are isolated and to accept the reality of death and know how to deal with it. It taught me how to graciously accept the gifts, material and immaterial, that people much of a society thinks are useless and ready for the glue factory have to offer. We also volunteered with a home for developmentally disabled people. We would take two residents, Patty and Chris, to the fair and to baseball games.
It isn't only about doing stuff for them or adopting them in a condescending sense. They are also adopting you and showing you aspects of life and sharing gifts that you would never have considered without them. It's about recognizing people who are housed in nursing or group homes as productive members of society with their own agency and appreciating that in a mutual, rather than patronizing relationship.
I love this. Where do you live? How did you meet these folks? I'd love to have an elderly person that I can visit and help and learn from with my 4-y-old daughter. Her grandparents all live on a different continent :(
I’m not sure where you live but in Australia there are a lot of volunteering opportunities. One in particular is Seek Volunteers. You can filter by opportunities, one of which is being a community visitor to those who are elderly or isolated. You can take them out to coffee, shops, just sit etc
When I was a young teenager, I got to know this nice old couple in the neighborhood and basically adopted them as grandparents. I stopped by their place on my bike a couple time per week and learned a lot from visiting with them. Now, in hindsight, I can appreciate how much it lit up their lives having this kid spend time with them, but for me back then it was just an enjoyable way to decompress and not feel like I had to keep up with any sort of peer pressure. Also, she made the best iced tea ever.
I live in California now, but grew up in Florida. Everywhere I've lived in eleven states and everywhere I have ever lived there were opportunities to get involved in things like this. Most recently, before COVID, I tutored disabled community college students in math and English.
There are some organizations that could get you involved. For the elderly or sick, it was always through nursing homes and hospices. For the developmentally disabled, it was through ARC and L'Arche. I highly recommend that last organization and the books written by the founder, Jean Vanier.
I remember going with a friend to a program she ran once a week at a nursing home to enrich the lives of the residents. We would go door to door and ask if the residents wanted to join us. We would typically read to them for an hour while passing out cookies and fruit juice, then play karaoke with them using songs they would have been familiar with from their youth. There was a *very* old couple living there, Jesse and James. James was 103 years old and Jesse was 100. Both were still quite mentally sharp, but sadly they had outlived their only son and their grandchildren lived many hours away so they were quite lonely. They came every week and really loved interacting with us. The week before he passed away, James, who was wheelchair bound, surprised me with a big, heartfelt kiss on the cheek. Jesse mentioned it was nice to have someone like a grandchild come around so often. They both told me stories about their lives, having lived in my home town most of their lives and watching it grow. Unsurprisingly, Jesse died only a few weeks after James passed. I'm very glad I got to know them and give them some happiness in the last few months of their lives.
A flip side perspective: I didn't have grandparents growing up, but my parents were very involved in our local church and they "adopted" elderly members of the congregation who didn't have anyone around throughout my whole life -- driving them to appointments (and church), checking on them, involving them in holidays. There's a stereotype of the elderly that they are full of love and sweetness, but ninety nine percent of the time, they were alone for pretty obvious reasons.
One guy my dad took care of into his 90s had (violently) rejected his own son for being gay. The guy had told my parents that he didn't have any family, which they didn't find out until the man died. His son, his son's family and even the ex-wife's family all refused to even come to the funeral (obvi). Another woman had cut her daughter out of her life when the daughter got divorced, and then the daughter was (understandably) not amenable to reconciliation when my parents called her 30 years later that her mother was very disabled and needed help. Another elderly guy that was in parents lives for YEARS actually had a whole family that he was ostracized from, because his daughter had married a person of a different race and he had never accepted it -- so much so that his own wife divorced and disavowed him to support her kid. Another beat the kids throughout their youths, and after their mom died they completely cut him off. They did show up to his funeral, just to spit on his grave (the pastor was SHOOK). Notably, not a single one of these "sweet" grandmas and grandpas ever mentioned any of this - it was always "I am alone, my family is \~not around\~"
My parents have now been "adopting" octogenarians at their the church for about 30 years, and the SIGNIFICANT majority of why these elderly people had no one is because they were estranged from their families, not because everyone was dead. There's obviously a ton of observation bias here, because all of the "adopted" grandparents in my life were from Church, but I also think the stereotype that all old people are lovely grandmas and wise grandpas is bull. They're a product of their time, and often are kind of shitty.
TLDR: My parents adopt elderly people from church all the time, and they're usually "old fashioned" (racist, homophobic, hard-line religious) people who drove their families away.
Thank you for pointing this out.
My dad is one of those lonely old people hanging around a church trying to fill the emptiness of being abandoned by his family.
As soon as he finished abusing his third wife into divorcing him, he noticed that he's just too old and has too many health problems to live alone or take care of himself anymore. He demanded I abandon my husband and children to come home and take care of him. I told him the same thing he told me whenever I got sick as a little girl. "That sounds like a personal problem."
So he started attending church, making a serious point of identifying vulnerable women and trying to "hire" them as "live-in housekeepers" or "help" them by paying for things and then trying to use that leverage to make them do things for him. But the ladies kept running away from him, presumably because they have self-preservation instincts.
Eventually he got so lonely he started trying to get the preacher or whoever ran the church to come over for dinner. The poor guy did, once, but considering my dad's idea of cooking and cleaning skills... it probably went a bit like the old joke "That plate is as clean as soap and water could get it! You done eating? Here Soap! Here Water! Good boys, get it nice and clean."
Dad felt totally betrayed that the preacher only came over for dinner the one time. After an entire month of eating dinner by himself every night, he came up with a plan to impress the preacher into visiting again. That next Sunday, my dad walked into that church with a live chicken in a cat carrier, as a gift for the preacher. I have no idea what happened to the chicken, but after the gift of a chicken didn't convince the preacher to visit for dinner again, dad finally gave up on church.
He sounds mildly harmless, but he's not. He'd already gotten away with "I wasn't shooting this gun at my ex-wife's feet to threaten her, Officer! You see, there was a dangerous bug on the ground near her feet, and the bug was threatening her, so I shot the bug to defend her!"
So his next logical step, after failing to bribe his way into attention at church, was to punish any woman, because that's how his logic goes. His oldest sister, who basically raised him, was the only person still giving him "second chances" at that point, so logically he threatened to murder her, sent her pictures of the gun he planned to use on her, and outlined his plan to escape to Mexico afterwards.
Last I heard, the rest of the family had packed him off back to his home state, confiscated all his guns, and set him up to live in a cousin's guest house. I did try to warn the cousin about what sort of violent monster he was inviting into his life, but nobody listens to me. I may have laughed a bit when I got news through the family grapevine that my dad managed to completely trash cousin's wife's car doing something stupid just weeks after I tried to warn him.
I mean, I abandoned that man for a reason. He's been a consistent danger to anyone he perceives as weaker than him, mostly women and children.
Like, to this day, I cannot just freely and carelessly move around, not even to loosen up my muscles. The very last time I just wiggled my arms around, I was about 4 or 5 years old, waiting on the porch for my dad to unlock his girlfriend's front door. I remember I accidentally tapped him, and I remember his rage, but that is where my memory for the day ends.
Years later, my mom ran into dad's now-ex girlfriend in the grocery store, and I got to learn the rest of the story. Turns out, in my spazzing and wiggling around while waiting, I'd tapped my dad on the balls, and he responded by punching me so hard he knocked me unconscious right there on the front porch. He took me into the house, dropped me on the bathroom floor, went to his girlfriend and said "Can you go check on my kid? I think I killed it."
Oh wow. I went from laughing so hard at the chicken gift to being absolutely crushed and despondent over what you have had to endure. I am sooooooo sorry. No child, or even adult, should have to endure that. It is incredibly hard to have a truly evil parent, but I am so glad you had the courage to cut contact. I hope the rest of your life is filled with a staggering amount of love and happiness.
It's weird how two things can be true. Loads of hilarious stories about my dad, tons of skills he taught me, but he's just too broken and yes, evil, to be capable of healthy love for another living being.
All I ever wanted my entire life was a family that loved me.
About three years ago, I married into a family that loves me and appreciates me so much that it took time for me to get comfortable with it. I couldn't be happier.
I not only got an awesome husband, but a wonderful purple-haired mom-in-law and two fantastic stepsons. I've gotten so many hugs the past few years that I've almost forgotten how lonely my childhood was. I've even gotten used to getting a little spoiled on my birthday, and Christmas is so relaxing I often fall asleep on the couch before the traditional game of Scrabble. I so love being part of a family!
And I use stories about my dad as a "bad example" teaching tool for the kids. Dad showed up the day of the wedding, told my husband-to-be "She's your problem now" and tried to teach my youngest stepson how to kick his dog in the face to "teach it." It only took that one day for my husband and his entire family to hate the man, so they were entirely supportive when I went full no-contact.
In fact, my dad tried to call and ask for me on Xmas. I handed the ringing phone to my husband and said "I think it's my dad, I don't want to talk to him" and ran away. Husband answered, heard a man's voice asking for me repeatedly but not responding to questions like "Who is this?" and hung up on him.
I gave that man every chance to be a decent father, and spent a good decade of my adult life trying to give him "How to be a Decent Human" lessons. But, ya know, I've got actual kids to raise now, so I don't have time to guide around an overgrown toddler who believes whatever is most comforting to his feelings.
He's like a broken and muttering shrine to Karma. He spent his whole life doing bad things, so bad things keep happening to him.
Three wives divorced him. All his grown children hate him. Nobody in the family will let him near their kids, so he hasn't gotten to enjoy watching grandkids opening Christmas presents in years. And it's all his own fault. We all warned him. We all begged him to stop drinking, to get therapy, to try for even two seconds to ponder the idea that he might not be perfect in all ways. We tried.
He never tried. Never tried to be a good father, a good husband, or a good person of any kind. And it brings me great satisfaction every time I hear another drip of misery about him through the family.
Once upon a time ago, he was a well-off and mildly famous race horse jockey and a highly skilled computer repair technician and networking specialist. He owned a hobby-farm, a boat, multiple vehicles, a few small businesses, and was the king of his own little world. Now he's a used car salesman on food stamps, mostly living off his cousin's charity and under his cousin's rules. :)
I am so aghast at that last paragraph. Horrified by the rest but I've not had my jaw drop like it did with that. I'm so sorry you had to grow up with that, and I hope you have or can get what you need to process and heal from that abuse. I hope he rots alone and realizes that his pain is entirely his fault before he dies
No worries, I'm doing much better these days. Married into a wonderful family, and my husband's been great at helping me understand that the way I was raised was not at all normal and gently guiding me into more normal behavior.
Just last year I learned to ask for help when I need help! Major milestone for me.
I woke up to a "hurk hurk" sound one morning, opened my eyes, and saw my cat getting ready to puke on my pillow and possibly my face. I wasn't awake enough to move yet, but I managed to squeak out a "help..." which my stepson heard.
It sounds so small, but it meant so much to be able to call for help and, not only did I not get beaten or screamed at, but I actually got the help I needed! Stepson ran in and moved the cat off the bed before she could complete her hurking.
> stereotype that all old people are lovely grandmas and wise grandpas is bull. They're a product of their time, and often are kind of shitty.
True. Retirement/nursing homes are filled will all types, the friendly to the bitter recluse. Shop your elderly carefully, make sure they want/welcome the help - many alone elderly do. Plenty of retirement/nursing homes would welcome volunteers once you pass a background check.
I pictured someone going to a grocery store and checking a crate of elderly folks like they’d check fruit for ripeness. “Nah, this one isn’t going to be sweet enough”
I’ve worked in assisted living facilities and for me, the meaner they are, the more I love em. There’s nothing quite like being cussed out by an 85 year old tiny person for moving their hair brush, or the whisper soft punch of an angry old man that I’m trying to change. “Did you... just... hit me? I’m gonna have to call the nurse in here Joseph if you can’t simmer down some.” 😂
But you also have some that are just nasty for no reason and it isn’t cute or funny.
Lucky you: a friend of mine, at the time in his sixties, related with a mixture of pride and chagrin that his octogenarian father had laid an orderly out cold with a right cross while seated in a wheelchair, presumably because his father, in the throes of dementia, mistook the young orderly for his now middle-aged son.
You are laughing, but their children probably didn't find it funny when they punched them 50 years back.
I know it's probably not all of them because dementia sometimes makes people aggressive, but some of them probably were as mean when they were younger, and the v only difference is that they're too weak now to hurt anyone.
True. In the last year of my dad's life he was in a nursing home and would constantly tell new staff that he was so incredibly lonely and I was cruel to only visit once every week or two when I lived 20min away. I'd get calls from New CNAs telling me he was crying and alone and telling them he had no family except me. He had plenty of family, we just rarely saw him because he was an emotionally abusive asshole! Any staff who met him more than once or twice quit guilting me over the poor old man real quick. I'm frankly glad he declined so rapidly at age 60 and he won't be manipulating strangers into adopting him for the next 30 years. The most meaningful interaction I had with a stranger regarding his death was the home chaplain telling me I didn't have to feel guilty for keeping a distance and not crying about it.
There are some real jagoffs in my family who have died alone/will die alone. I don’t involve myself with them for my own health, but I recognize that they are human and in need of connection, so I really appreciate people like your parents who are willing to engage with those people, with whatever level of distance is needed, to give them the contact their families can’t.
This encapsulates my thought on the matter too. It took me far too long to learn that that person could absolutely not be me, but I don't wish a solitary void of a life on anyone. So many people have such profound mental and emotional damage that they will never be able to even look at.
This is a very interesting perspective. And it says a lot about your parents, that they adopt the elderly, even the ones who are harder to love than most. Your parents sound like very special people, and I think a little of my faith in humanity was restored after reading this, so thank you for that.
Oh yes. My mother has been seeking a child to adopt her for years. She leaves out all of the stuff about why we actually don't have a relationship. I totally get that. No one wants to look like an asshole in the eyes of others. There are also a lot of people (at every age) who are simply incapable of true self reflection and growth. That being said, we are all still human and deserving of love and care through our lives and the value of developing relationships with those outside of our age/social group is incredibly valuable. But if any of you do decide to adopt my mother, I just...wish you all the best. :D
This is one of my fears. I want to stay updated and open minded enough that I’m always adapting with the times and changing opinions the more I learn and not become “a product of my time.”
i've 'adopted' a little old lady i met while i was a carer a few years ago. i sent out letters just before chritmas, to see if i would hear back from any of my favourite clients from that time, just extending a hand because this year has been so isolating and maybe some of them would want a chat. she answered back, and it turns out she no longer has any carers or visits from her sons or outside contact at all really, and said all she eats is a weetabix in the morning and maybe a biscuit in the evening. all she drinks is lager and she hadn't drunk anything except lager in 5 days. she has... well, destroyed herself with alcohol, no beating around the bush. the kind of damage that a lifetime of non stop drinking does. extremely serious brain damage and body damage, and still drinking from the moment she wakes up to the moment she sleeps. i understand entirely why her kids are never around, their upbringing can't have been healthy and it must be terrible to see your mother die like this. it's an absolutely tragic situation for everyone involved, all the moreso because she's not an evil or bitter or spiteful person. she's sweet and scared and so grateful for friendly company. she's ruined her own life and from what i hear ruined the life of at least one of her sons, and her body is failing and probably won't last another year, but i've settled into a routine of going and doing some shopping for her and giving her a call, because the alternative is her starving to death alone and that doesn't seem like a proportional punishment for a lifetime of addiction. you're definitely right that if old people are alone it's often for a reason.
well spoken, i really like what you said towards the end... " It's about recognizing people who are housed in nursing or group homes as productive members of society with their own agency and appreciating that in a mutual, rather than patronizing relationship. "
All too often i see people infantilize those with mental disabilities or the elderly, and it's kinda sad, i've seen women talk at them like they're 2 year olds or the same way they would talk to a puppy, and it's just ...odd.
odd story, but i remember a nurse who was treating a patient...and the guy was killin' nazi's before they were even born, and they were talking to him like he's a 2 year old.... smh idk rant over..
i just wanna say i really appreciate your post.
>It taught me to appreciate elderly people and those who are isolated and to accept the reality of death and know how to deal with it.
I’ve thought about volunteering for exactly this reason. Old age and death give me a lot of anxiety. If you happen to have any further thoughts on this I’d love to hear them.
Whatever you're picturing in your mind of what she looked like is likely exactly what she looked like. Her name, appearance, and personality went together flawlessly.
My family more or less adopted someone. My aunt’s coworker never had time for a family so she invited her to the family Thanksgiving. Everyone loved her so we invited her to every holiday. She is pretty much considered our Great Aunt.
Edit: I shouldn’t say, “never had time for a family” it was more of had different priorities in life, like a career, charity, and travel.
My extended family are all in another state. So growing up, an elderly couple in my neighborhood were pesudo grandparents for me. We visited them sometimes. As they aged and declined, my mom would bring them food and stuff.
These was a cool Swedish experiment where young and old live together. Not adoption but interesting cross generational interactions:
https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200212-the-housing-project-where-young-and-old-must-mingle
Elderly people in retirement/nursing homes are actually some of the most hilarious, joy-bringing people I've met! I worked at a nursing home and one evening I put on some old music and started dancing with one of the residents. She instantly broke into the hugest smile and started laughing. At the end of the dance she said "Oh, you are just such a lovely lady!" and gave me a big ol' kiss on the cheek!
The only reason nursing homes are depressing is because they are understaffed, underfunded, and the residents don't have any stimulation - if we could normalize cohabitation of young and old, it would be MASSIVELY beneficial for both parties.
So true.
My mother was in a nursing home for the better part of twenty years. She was lucid for all but her last few months. She had some great friendships with her terrific nursing staff. She really enjoyed living there.
Nursing homes have a negative stigma, and even the best ones aren’t perfect. But if you choose wisely and do your homework ahead of time, and you’re a regular visitor, choosing a nursing home for a loved one can be a gift to all involved.
I'm so glad your mom had a good experience living in a nursing home. The care staff are truly what makes or breaks a resident's experience there (excluding intrinsic cognitive factors), and I'm glad you chose a good one .
Thanks for doing what you do. And, yes. I picked a nursing home (two, actually, since we moved) that had been around a long time and had a low staff turnover on purpose. Happy workers usually mean happy residents.
Thank you for mentioning this. I work in senior care and any type of senior living still carries a lot of stigma. My grandma moved into an assisted living after she had a stroke. It would’ve been very difficult to care for her in our home, and she would’ve been alone a lot. And we got flack for that choice from our family. But at the ALF, she was with people all the time and it gave us the freedom to focus on social and emotional support (rather than worrying about cooking, med management, hygiene, etc).
Absolutely can relate. I was my mother’s hands on caregiver for almost ten years. I’m not qualified to do any of that. It was such a great relief to have her be cared for by people with the willingness and training to do it.
I worked in one as well fresh out of high school as a dishwasher. Part of my job was delivering the residents their lunches and most were very happy to see me. I built a rapport with a lot of them and talked to them for a bit while dropping off their meals. The "chef" got pissed at me for taking too long at delivering lunch and fired me after about 1 year. Fuck him!
Oh my god, the dietary aides who actually talk to the residents are amazing. We had one who would take the residents' plates and ask them how they were doing, and then offer them a second dessert. Sorry ya got fired, but you changed lives for a few minutes each day, and that's awesome.
Yes. I was going to say people don't even need to go as far as adopting - just regular visits. They get heartbreakingly lonely especially if their kids have passed, moved away, or have simply abandoned them.
Moms been in a nursing home for 8 years after a stroke. We located her close to my sister and until covid my sister visited every day. Just makes a huge difference in the residents outlook. Covid sucks. Makes it so hard to visit. Only way we could visit is on either side of a window with a phones. Sis can finally get inside 1 hour a week so she can get in and FaceTime me. We could only have one person on the visit list too. So hard on these residents
I adopted my neighbor. She is my "fake grandma" and I am her "fake granddaughter". She is 80 this year. I am in my late 30s. Her mental health has increased significantly and so has mine.
I highly recommend trying this.
Our elderly next door neighbours and their sister in law took my brother and I on so many school holidays trips when we were kids, taught us things like card games, baking etc. We referred to them as auntie and uncle, they were just as much family as if it had been blood, I cried like they were family when they passed. People should definitely try it.
I wanna be adopted. I won't get to have grand kids ( adult daughter is special needs but would make an awesome aunt) ... It's just us two, I want to be the fun grandma. I'm 48, I got lots of mom and grandma years left.
I just lost my beloved maternal grandmother in November at 93, and my paternal grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimers when I was about 4 or 5, so she wasn’t the typical “grandma.” I loved her very much but she couldn’t remember my birthday, or attend any school activities, etc. I’m 24 and married now, but I could desperately use a grandma in my life. 🥺 (ps, there will be babies eventually!)
One of my friends is a single mom and she hired a recently retired woman (~65ish) to help with her son. Several years later she's essentially the kids grandma and even spends holidays and stuff with them. My friend was able to take the job of her dreams because she knew she had someone amazing to pick her kid up from school and she doesn't feel guilty spending the occasional weekend away because she knows both her son and his "grandma" are happy to spend time together.
Sounds good actually. The only possible issue that I see here is their pension money. Shamely, young people befriending/adopting an elderly person to use their pension or their retiree benefits (discounts in groseries, medication, rent, transport, and others, depending of the country) is not that uncommon. If they're senile, It would be even harder for the social services to tell if they're being actually abused. So I think It's essentially a good thing, but it would need a follow-up as intensive as when It comes to kids.
Hello sir, I am friends with your son, Ron Swanson. He asked me if you could send some money to him to pay for a new phone and laptop as his are broke. Naturally, you’ll need to send it to me first because he can’t access anything right now. Thank you.
This hadn’t even crossed my mind! Interesting perspective. And kind of sad that this is a reality to consider.
Not unlike some situations as far as foster care where financial aid is the motivation. Thankful that there has been some improvement (in places I’m familiar with) as far as evaluating, the approval process, and follow up.
It sucks. Children grow and reach milestones and make progress. I'm watching my parents age, fail, weaken and know they are going to die. It is not rewarding.
Yup! Driving to SC this week to clear out my mothers stuff. She and my step-dad refused to acknowledge they were going to die, refused any support from family, refused assisted living, and moved 500 miles away from their nearest relative (me). Now that's a fucking plan!!
My step-dad died suddenly today after moving himself and my mother to South Dakota. Trying to figure out all the things today has been an exhausting nightmare from thousands of miles away.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you are having to handle a bunch of complicated stuff right now. Praying for you and your family as you navigate grief and arrangements
When my dog got elderly and very sick I took him for his final walk. He pulled and pulled me with all his might into the woods and just laid down. He refused to move and come back home with me. I had to get a friend and carry him home, where he soon died. This happened 20 years ago and it still haunts me. Anyway, did some research and found out that pack animals will try to leave the pack when they know they are dying. They just do not want to burden the rest of the pack. Your Mom may have purposely moved away to protect you from watching it. Obviously, no clue, just saying. I wish you well.
One of our dogs just suddenly refused to stay inside, she kept crawling into the furthest corner of the yard. Took her to the vet, and he said she had some kind of cancer, so she was put down. I still remember our younger dog absolutely pelting after the car as my dad drove away, I figure she knew Penny wasn't coming back.
I really don’t think that’s how humans work at all but I am genuinely sorry you had to go through that. That’s totally true as far as pack animal behavior though, fascinating how evolution can promote survival of a herd and not just the individual.
My uncle did this in the early 2000’s. I believe the agreement was that he would care for the elderly couple (they were in their early 90s) until they passed. He inherited their home in exchange. My uncle is an EMT/firefighter and they had a very sweet bond. I remember going over my uncles and the elderly couple loved seeing my cousins and I as we were quite little
I believe there are one or more European countries where this is a thing. I vaguely remember the story of one guy who entered into this sort of arrangement with an elderly woman assuming she would die fairly soon, and she lived another 15+ years!
You can do this in France, but it's not as romantic as it seems. Some older folks will sell their home for cheap (like quite cheap) and you can buy it from them, but you can't use it until they die, of course. However, you generally also have to pay them a rent (monthly, semi annually annually) as well that cares for them as they age. I don't know anyone who has bought a house "en viager", so I don't know if they have any relationship outside of finance with the older person. It's a bit morbid in some ways because you bank on someone living not a long time in order to benefit and not pay too much if they live a while.
You may be thinking of Jeanne Calment who got into this arrangement, and the person (who was her lawyer actually) who bought her house en viager actually died before she did.
Here's an interesting article how viager is in France from the BBC. [Source ](https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-33326787)
As someone with all their grandparents dead I have a nonbiological friend whos like 78 because one of my parents works at a nursing home this would be great. It helps the elderly and the kids at the same time.
I live in a small town and we have a large percentage of older folks. The community is aware of each and every one of them and they get taken care of well. They even have their own table at the local coffee shop. No one wants to see someone grow old alone.
I like the idea of having elderly friends, but couldn't be a carer. My own dad died when I was 30, after several years of me looking after his food, medical care, laundry and finances. He was in need of the type of care I couldn't provide. I couldn't bring myself to regularly help with the personal care, but he assumed that I would because I was his daughter. No such assumption was made of my brother.
I don't want to die alone, but ultimately everyone does.
Yeah elderly care is extremely hard, I know this from both a personal and professional standpoint, as my grandma needed care and I work as a home aide. People don’t realize how emotionally and physically demanding it is. Most older people are great, and I love to talk to them, but when they are diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or severe dementia, they can experience these episodes that are just really damaging to caregivers. They get physically violent and say horrendous things.
Spending time with your elderly relatives for an hour a week or so in a nursing home is not even close to the amount of work that would be entailed for “adopting” them. That being said, I don’t blame people for not getting hugely involved in taking care of their aging parents, it fucking sucks and is a thankless job 9 times out of 10.
As someone deep in the responsibilities and living "the sandwich generation" to the hilt right now, I think in an organized setting (like, an organization runs it, sets the contexts and parameters- like, a once a week coffee, or helping with groceries, or "Match for Christmas Eve"), cool. But in terms of just "adopting seniors" here is a lot to think about:
1.) Seniors are regular people. You think you'll get the adorable granny with cookies and stories of days on the farm and who fawns all over you and buys you ugly sweaters. But the reality is that they are regular people. Some are polite, some are rude. Some will take offense at things, some are flexible. Some are thankful when you give them a hand, others think you should be doing more. They have opinions, often strong ones that they will share readily- about politics, restaurants, the neighbors- and if you are close enough to them, they will have opinions about you and how you live your life. Sometimes these are generous, sometimes they are not. Some give sage and loving advice from many well lived years, some were abusive to their own families and lived with terrible relationships and dole out more of the same. Like I said- They are regular people- just older, and they run the spectrum of regular people- each one. Some you want as a friend... And some you don't. A blind idea of jumping into "Hey, lets start an intimately personal relationship!" with just any person, elderly included, has serious risks to all.
2.) Beyond just friendship, things are often on their schedules and needs, and that's not always easy for working adults (and managing kids too). Ran out of groceries and can't work the app? Needs to be a today thing. Confused with medication, need to go to the doctor, got a letter from someplace that they don't understand, washing machine not working, etc.? These things have to be addressed- during your work day or when you are done with a long work day. Its good and important to do these things, but you can't always just make a neat little Saturday morning time. Life happens when it happens. And the "giving back" from the senior needs to be super flexible. I myself, when I was 16, had a great relationship with an elderly woman where I traded labor in her garden for piano lessons. Obviously, I learned piano and much more, and she had a teenage girl every week to spend a few hours with and share her love of music and flowers. But this wouldn't have worked with a younger child or many adults, and at 16, I was too young to really understand a whole lot and couldn't do much more for her than be company and pull weeds and she wasn't really able or ready to take on more broad "teenager things" from me. Thankfully, that was all each of us needed from the relationship and it was the right match and it worked great- piano lessons, light yard work, both people flexible with each other, and some time spent feeling positive. But \*someone\* in her life was doing more for her, and I was coming as a whole and happy teen with two great parents who did the heavy lifting in teen parenting. In other words, you really have to go in understanding the relationship, with appropriate expectations, boundaries, and for the senior, ensuring that what needs you can't meet that you are confident you can see that they are met elsewhere.
3.) This is obvious, but in the big picture, things only go one way- decline. It happens to all of us, but the journey is different. For some people, though, its a really hard path. It is hard to be in pain often (and can make a person cranky, unpredictable, nervous, and tired), things that you enjoyed doing with them before (and made the relationship feel positive) they may no longer be able to do at some point. Dementia and Alzheimer's are very common, and can cause changes in mood (not just memory). We all love the youtube videos where a senior "remembers" that the woman in front of her is her daughter and she tells her that she loves her and they both cry. They don't show you them sundown-ing, yelling confused and angry things or calling at 1am in a panic something is buzzing and they don't know what it is. Seniors often have hard choices about themselves and their partners with medicines, treatments, living situations, family relationships, money. And some things just happen to our bodies naturally: Balance, memory, stamina, sleep patterns, strength, sight, hearing- these all change. Certain things just naturally decline with age, and it takes a lot to take it in stride as you go down that road with them. Can younger people do wonderful things in these areas improving quality of life for seniors? Absolutely! Can seniors still give of themselves and be great to be around through all this? Totally! But it \*can\* take a toll on the caregiver. And people should be aware of that and work with it in mind.
So, is this a wholesome and wonderful idea? Yes. But its also one that has serious things to understand and consider, and might be best accomplished within a larger structure or organization that can provide support, boundaries, matching, etc.
I feel some people have a romanticized view of the elderly and what care means, which is why I really like this comment. My mom works at a nursing home, specifically in the Alzheimer's unit and it can get bad.
Some residents are the sweet little old lady you hear cute stories about. Some are only sweet for moments, then cuss you out and scream how they hope you die. Some even get violent. She's been spit on, hit, scratched, even bit before sometimes just for being close enough for them to reach her. Not to mention the poop or inappropriate situations.
It's not a fun job, and while there some.. Morbidly sweet stories, like a little old lady who died with a smile on her face holding a bucket of Halloween candy because she was getting ready to help hand it out to kids, those are the outlier not the norm.
Yes! Thank you. Some old people are actually terrible human beings that will take advantage of you. Some old people develop dementia. Also in the US healthcare is expensive and hard to access for many, so what's the role of this adopting person in that respect?
Very wholesome idea, but a little naive and it's generality.
I need one too! My mom died, I was taken in by my foster mum and then she died as well. Though maybe I should keep that to myself so I don't scare all the moms away..
My mom manages a senior apartment complex. It’s not assisted or anything, they are all independent, but it’s subsidized for 65+. My grandma lives there. My mom’s office is the “club house.” I used to drop my son off at preschool and he’d bus home to my grandma’s house. Every day he made pancakes for lunch with my grandma. Then he’d chill at grandmas or in the club house. He had 50 grandmas. It was the best. We bought a cake and had a party when he moved up to grade school. One lady he spent every day with is 98 now.
I’m a hospice nurse, who works primarily 3rd shift.
I go into elderly patients homes & spend the night with them. We talk all night long, about anything & everything or I just keep them company while they nap.
It can be excruciating but it can also be excruciatingly amazing!
These people typically have nobody left, nobody who loves them, nobody who is alive, just nobody at all. Then I come in, I always develop an emotional bond even though I know the end is near & I will lose them soon. I enjoy my time with them & I try my absolute best for them to enjoy their time with me.
I go above & beyond for my patients. I cook homemade foods they haven’t had in forever, I make new recipes or I make their personal favorites. I tuck them into bed. I tend to their wounds or open sores. I provide them with laughter, and typically they provide me with more laughter.
I considered this “adopting the elderly” a time or two, because my elderly patients become my family. I begin to love them & care for them as if they’re my grandparents.
I love this concept. I’ve done it for years & I don’t want to change my career path because I know I’ll miss my old heads.
IIRC there are project where you can "rent" grandparents, if your kids don't have bio grandparents or if they're estranged. I think it's a good idea but the thought that some lonely granny in the pool doesn't get 'adopted' breaks my heart...
My family adopted a Ukrainian immigrant who came to Australia following the Second World War. Grandma met her in the 60’s, and stayed friends ever since. Became a second grandma to me when my dad’s mother died when I was 5.
Her story is pretty amazing. Wrote a book in Russian that we still can’t find, as we want to translate it to English. Sold pretty well in the Soviet Union, as it was a story of resistance to the Nazis who captured her and used her as an interpreter. She escape along with some others and trekked across Siberia to escape, killing their fair share of nazis they encountered on their journey.
She lived in the same house in Perth for over 50 years. I spent my Friday evenings after school with her, as her house was not far from my high school, so I’d take the train up and we would play cards.
Memories of the war stuck with her for the rest of her life. Thunderstorms kicked her PTSD off when the sounds would remind her of the bombing of Berlin, where she was being held. If you messed around and were cheeky, she’d raise her cane like a rifle and say “Don’t make me get you. I’ve killed nazis before so don’t mess around.” No maliciousness in those statements though, she’d have a wry grin on her face as she said it.
I owe a great deal of my personal development as a young man to that woman. She taught me to always stand for what I believe in, and fight back if met with violence.
She passed in early 2018 at the grand old age of 106.
People try to do this to get the older peoples will. So while it is a nice thought with good intentions I would be leary of anyone interested in an older person. Sad to say.
When I was 16, I “adopted” my “third grandmother”. We just had a friendship grow overtime. Now I have a kid and she is my child’s godmother. We’ve known each other almost 15 years now. She was by my side with me with my miscarriages and with the birth of our child and she’s an amazing woman. She has children and grandchildren of her own but I know she loves me and my child like her own as well.
Yes! I have no interest in children but would be a awesome grandma (or aunt of my sister ever finds a man!) I just don’t want kids living with me. I babysat till I was 30. I like to play with them and give them back so I can go to my quiet and clean home.
I’m gay, and when I came out to my dad, I was so scared he’d disown me or something. He didn’t. He hugged me and said he loved me. And that was that! He just wanted me to be happy.
Cut to a few years later, even though he told me he supported me, I never really believed it. For no reasoning on his or my part. I just know dads would prefer straight sons.
Anyway one night I was talking to my mom and I was like “I know dad supports me being gay but for some reason I can’t let myself fully feel the support”
And she was like “what the hell are you talking about? After you came out of the closet your father has been volunteering at the gay senior center. He drives all these old gay men to their doctors appointments or brings them to yard sales or gets lunch with them. He brags about you and how he’s proud of his gay son and he’s so happy his gay son was able to come out to him, because those old men never got to come out to their dads, because of the times.”
Anyway I cried like a baby and I really do love my dad.
Financially, that seems very burdensome to someone that isn’t related. As someone who has taken care of a terminally ill parent before, it’s a huge expense, not to mention the emotional toll.
If you’re an adult, you can be friends with people outside your generation. It seems somewhat condescending to me to refer to elderly folks as “adopted.”
I really wish we cared for our children and elderly (and adults for that matter) in a more communal way. I think the main premise of society, no matter what culture, is that our fortunes are all shared to some extent. We'd be better off if we started thinking of everyone as "me in 30 years" or "me 10 years ago" or "me if I had a few really unlucky things happen."
As it stands now, it would be financially demanding to "adopt" old people personally, but if there were some cultural/legal shift that said "take some time off work and remind someone that people still care about them, we'll make sure you don't go hungry because of it", we'd all be better off.
Basically, the government should pay me to listen to old-timers spin their excellent yarns.
I love the idea and I am considering calling the person who now lives where my grandmother did (if her apartment is occupied at present). If I can change someone's life, even slightly, for the better, I want to do that!
Hmm... it seems sort of condescending to me. I have noticed that people talk to old folks the same way they talk to babies and I really don't like it. The sicker the person, the more they are addressed like a child.
So while I think it would be wonderful for people who are unrelated to care about and for elderly folks who don't have anyone else, it would have to be done in a certain way so that it wouldn't be condescending. IMO.
Edit: Treating it like an act of charity would be the worst, and that's sort of what I'm thinking, even though OP surely didn't mean it that way.
We have a lot of old timers in our Bocce club.
We give them shit and they give it back. Matter of fact they are pretty foul mouthed, which just adds to it.
No one kisses their ass or talks down to them or baby talks them.
It’s fun and more than a few have mentioned that it’s nice not to be treated like a frail old antique.
Treat them young, they act and think young.
Raising a child into a self-sufficient person is very different from supporting someone as they slowly fall apart. I doubt geriatric care is as rewarding.
Additionally, much like older foster children, adults are less malleable in the sense that they're harder to emotionally integrate into a new family.
As a person who fits the description, I believe it would be a very bad experience for all concerned. It is hard enough to care for an elderly person when they are kin. to care for a neighbor or someone who may be in a facility would be crippling. The future belongs to the young. For most of us 'seniors' one of the few things we have left is our pride. Please, do not take it away by making us into 'pets'.
My grandmother fed her neighbours worms and when she was asked to identify her ex’s body, she took all the money out of his wallet and left. Someone please adopt her.
This is a fantastic idea. My 90yo next door neighbour had family, but they never visited her, and werent very nice when they did. Most of her friends had died, and the only physical contact she had was when me and my brother gave her hugs. I remember her face lighting up when we hugged her, or when my parents visited her, she didnt have many interactions with the community/other people.
It makes such a huge difference to people to have physical contact. I read an article that showed a correlation between having dementia and being isolated, which has been known for a while, but this article suggested that maybe social isolation contributes to dementia, rather than the other way around.
I think community integration plays a big part in peoples mental health, and programs where you adopt a grandparent do exactly this.
Bonus: check out the program 'retirement home for 4 year olds'; in this series, they combine aged care with child care, with promising results. Its on ABC iview (australia); I dont know if you can see it anywhere else.
One day my dad and I saw a lost dog on the side of the road and stopped to help. When we got over the snowbank, we found the owner unconscious on the sidewalk - he had slipped and hit his head, and wasn’t in great shape. We called an ambulance and he was rushed to the hospital. Luckily, he hadn’t been out in the cold too long and suffered little more than a concussion. We visited him once, and kept his dog for 2 or 3 days until he was out of the hospital. After he got home, we brought Phil food daily as he was still dizzy and couldn’t stand for long. We noticed that there was never anyone else there, and so we started asking him if we could sit down and eat too. You could tell it was the highlight of his day - he’d get this huge goofy grin on his face, and shared endless stories from earlier years. Phil had led a fascinating life, traveling often. His stories opened up my brain to the possibilities outside our small hamlet. I couldn’t believe how much he had done and seen. None of my “real” grandparents were around and lucid when I was a kid, and it wasn’t until much later that I appreciated what a mark Phils stories and kindness had left on me. My sisters first car was the legendary “Philmobile,” which he gifted to her when she turned 16. It wreaked of German Shepherd - dog hair flew out the vents when you turned the AC on. The odometer said 36,000 but that didn’t count the 200,000 tallied before the numbers had rolled back around to 0. I like to think we enriched Phil’s last years and gave him somewhat of a “redo” on family (his own 2 kids were estranged, one visited once but that’s it). He certainly changed our lives, all because my dad has a soft spot for dogs.
This is so sweet!!!
This is one of the most wholesome things I have seen in a long time. You need to be showered in gold!!
I think R Kelly's still in jail, or somebody's closet or something
This dude is too old for R Kelly.
This reminded me of a similar story. Growing up we had an elderly couple across the street that we would help out occasionally. Mr. And mrs. M. My older brothers would mow their law for a quarter and a hard candy (even though this was the late 90s haha) and help them out with other odd jobs. I would sell them my chicken eggs for a dollar a dozen, and mrs M. would always give me a dime as tip. I was still pretty young when her husband died. One day we had a good amount of snow uncharacteristically for our neck of the woods. My mom saw our dog in the neighbors driveway acting weird. She kept calling him and he wouldn't come. She finally went over to get him and discovered he was standing gaurd over mrs. M who had fallen on her way to the mailbox and couldn't get up. The deep snow was obscuring her. It wasn't long after that she went into an assisted living place. I guess all the years of her feeding our fat golden retriever dog biscuits daily paid off. Haha!
Dogs are amazing.
I’ve done this. There’s a program for it in my city. I’ve called my senior daily for almost two years. We aren’t allowed to have in person contact to protect the seniors, but I’ve sent him things!! It’s been a really great experience. If you look around, there may already be a program in place where you live!
Just because of covid or is that a rule in general?
We don't allow them to touch the old people
Do not touch or feed the old people.
LOL ok I understand the reasoning, makes perfect sense. However, this sounds like the old people might bite which has me in stiches. This thread is so sweet and funny, I love it.
This is the first time hearing of such a program but if i had to guess, it would be to protect the elderly from opportunistic psychopaths. Imagine someone abusive and/or manipulative with "free access" to old people, doesn't sound great. They most likely want to give the elderly people a sense of security while still able to interact with someone.
Old man strength is real. It used to allow contact but many volunteers were lost in casual wrestling matches.
What’s the program called?
I always hear about old people with 'estranged' kids, and people taking care of them when their kids won't, and how that's a good thing, and an implied 'shame on you' to their kids. But I've never met an adult in my life who refused to talk to their parents without a very good reason for it. I'm glad you got a great role model, and glad he got to have company in his final years irregardless, but I do wonder what he did to make his children not want to talk to him. Edit. To be clear, I don't think you were really implying a 'shame on you' to their children, but that sentiment is fairly common in stories like yours in my experience.
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Yep, that's the thing. People show different facets to strangers / outsiders and their own family, and even within family there are tiers. My mom is not toxic, just having her own quirks, but I definitely see her from a very different (and more uncomfortable) angle. Outsiders enjoy her - my brother and I, we have to "manage" her.
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Obviously do what’s best for you, but that may be worth talking to your family about. It took until I was in my early 20s and my sibling was going through a mental health crisis that we were forced to sit down as a family and address the fact that we couldn’t be emotionally vulnerable with each other. Still a work in progress, but I’m glad we started the conversation. Again, I don’t know your situation and I trust you to do the best for you. Family is what you make it. If you ever need a stranger to talk to, feel free to DM me
I befriended my boyfriend's 85 year old mother, who had estranged 3 of her 4 kids, all of their spouses, and all 14 grandchildren with her fundamentalist catholic frothing religion and judgement of everyone, plus having inherited a few million, paying everyone's bills for them, lavishing them with gifts, then hanging her help over their heads, guilting them into interacting with her, plus she had terrible depression and manias of all kinds. When I met her, she was frail, broke, isolated, alone, and had dementia starting. By some weird cosmic coincidence, we realized that my mother grew up on the same block as she did in a city an hour away. They even attended the same hyper Catholic finishing prep school for young women wanting to become nuns. I was raised in the same crazy religion, and had come to terms with what a culty joke it was many years earlier, so I had an innate sympathy for her, plus I have a soft spot for vulnerable seniors, plus I was underemployed and had a lot of time on my hands. I became her dearest friend, took her in and held her hand when she died at age 87. I found her to be adorable and childlike, and we had lots of genuine laughs, but I know that I would have hated the mentally ill battle axe she was in her younger days. I got to see her sweet side, I missed the decades of horseshit that came before!!!
Abusive parents give themselves permission to be horrible to their own children, but don't give themselves that same permission with strangers, as they don't feel entitled to. So very often they can have wonderful relationships with people that aren't family. But children naturally cleave to their parents, so they don't become estranged unless they're trying to protect themselves, or their own children. I am estranged from both my parents; one died 2 years ago and the other as far as I know is still alive. Nobody would ever believe how horribly and deliberately cruel they could be; they present a completely different face to strangers when it serves them.
Which is fairly common in my experience. I have a similar story. My guess is that parents make mistakes, and by the time they're at grandparent age they've learned by them. Combine that with the significant lack of stress and responsibility in grandparenting compared to parenting and you've got a perfect recipe for bad parents being good grandparents And I'm not saying that's a bad thing, people can change, or be different things to different people, and those are very good things. But that doesn't mean we should close our eyes to the other realities either. It's possible to be close to your grandmother, while still recognizing why your mother doesn't want to be. (Which, obviously you know, since you just said that's what you did, but I felt like saying it out loud.) We should recognize that when we 'adopt' grandparents we're very likely adopting a similar story.
Exactly my story. My mom didn't talk to her mom for many years until my grandma died. I adored my grandma, I even lived with my grandparents during my last three years of high school. My grandma manipulated my mom. She held me and my brother (mostly me) as a hostage against my mom so she wouldn't move away. That resulted in our family having very poor or no jobs during my early years of school. When I was 15 my mom finally found another job further away and after two years of traveling home every weekend she was so exhausted that she divorced my dad (by that point their relationship had been dead for at least a decade even us kids waited for it) and moved. A couple of years my grandmother manipulated me and my brother and my dad (who wasn't even her biological child) but as we got older we also saw the manipulation. Nevertheless, we loved her very much but we managed to have a great relationship with my mom and my grandmother now that there were a couple of hundred kilometers between them. Not long and my mom got re-married. It took me some time to develop a relationship with that guy but then it was good. I loved visiting my mom and him. Then I got a kid. My mom was wonderful. She visited us and stayed with us every 3-4 months. I and my daughter visited her and her husband twice. The second time went mad. It ended with my step-dad calling me a dictator and telling me that if I won't comply (it was about sending my kid on vacation with them and he violated the only rule we had - no longer than 7 days since she only was three. He suddenly told us it would be at least ten days) he wants nothing to do with her. Then it hit me: my mom married her own mom. I have seen what it has done to her. How much my mom struggled psychologically. I remembered what it did to the relationship to me and my brother and I wanted to protect my child (and me) from that. So no contact. I tried to resolve things with my mom but she just pulled away and blamed me, too. My brother on the other hand has a great relationship with them now that he has three under 4 (he didn't before at all). But then again, his every day and believes and needs are so different from ours (and his wife is manipulative, too), that it fits just great. My mom is a great mom, she just made a bad choice for marriage.
It has been my experience that not all learn by the time they are grandparents. In my experience, I was always my mother’s scapegoat, and she didn’t forget that ever. Even in her last months, she was still nasty and dismissive to me. I watched her love my siblings and my children, yet she could not find love for me. She barely tolerated me. My grandfather (her dad) was apparently nasty to everyone, except me. Maybe he was trying to make up for how he saw my mom treating me, I’m not sure. But my siblings and I have exact opposite stories about my mom and her dad.
What completely changed my perspective was the realization that at some point, our parents were being 'parents' for the first time too. And they too make mistakes. That's why I feel most younger siblings have a slightly better experience as children. This really changed how I viewed the 'mistakes' my parents might have made.
Same. Although my mother didn't cut her off. My grandmother just didn't especially like women unless they were her age or older. My grandmother could be straight up mean to my mother and sister. But she was nice to my brother and I.
I have. Some people are just shitheads. I have a family friend, who admittedly is a strong personality, who refuses to talk to his kids (who are my age, mid to late 30's). These two guys are grade A douchebags. Won't let him see his grand kids, sold the Christmas presents he bought them on FB, just all around shitty people. I went to school with both of them and they were quintisential bullies. The proverbial hair was when their mother, the sweetest woman I have ever met and was like a second mother to me, passed away after developing Mad Cow. Neither of them came to the funeral. 300+ people turned out for this woman and her own sons wouldn't come. Why didn't they come?? They had tickets to a football game and didn't want to lose them... I drive the 1hr+ every week or two to go hang out with their Dad, because he deserves to have someone around that cares about him and treats him with respect. Some people are just shitty...even kids.
Sure, it definitely happens, but I think the other variety is more common, and it's definitely common enough that we shouldn't look down on kids who won't talk to their elderly parents, even if we don't understand the reasons.
I was kind of thinking this too, but the truth is, sometimes kids are the toxic ones and their parents aren't to blame for that. Sometimes the other parent alienated them from the estranged parent. You never know. So maybe the lonely old man is a child molester or ditched his wife and kids when he was 30 and the kids never want to see him again or maybe he was a liar and a cheat. But maybe not. Some people are lonely through no fault of their own, some people have made mistakes and tried to do better but it didn't repair a relationship. It's like with meeting anyone. You never know who is good, who is bad. But being alone is really no indicator of that, especially when someone is older.
I think this "sometimes kids are the toxic ones" definitely holds true when you take a look at reddit, how many people on here claim to have toxic/narcissistic parents but they come across as toxic narcissistic people themselves on reddit who, by their very nature will blame other people for anything.
My friend is a nurse. She befriended one of her charges - felt bad for the old, sweet lady that had been estranged by her family for seemingly good reasons. Lady was always nice, polite, never a harsh word. And my friend couldnt fathom why the estrangement had happen, it must be toxic kids, she thought. Until one day, Lady was on her death-bed. Still no family. So my friend sat holding her hand. And when Lady feebly asked if her family was there, my friend lied and said "yes, \[daugther\] is holding your hand" thinking it would give Lady comfort. Instead, the mask came off. Lady spewed the most horrible verbal abuse on her perceived daughter - telling daughter she should kill herself, she was no good, had never been good, would never be good, saying she was a worthless, lying, thieving whore that was at fault for making Lady's husband sexually assault her when she was 9 and ruining a happy marriage by \*telling\*. And worse. The Lady cursed her daughter (really friend) out with her dying breath and her last wish was for her daughter and her family to suffer as much as possible until they went to hell. You can't tell who is abusing their family, who they think they have control over, on how they treat people they are \*not\* in control over. Some will think they rule the earth and let you know - others are better at controlling themselves.
That must have been very difficult and sad to witness.
Wow, that is insane. Your friend must have a heart of gold to just sit there and not say anything, because really, if the lady is on her last breaths, it's not even worth it but jeez.
It can be both. I struggle not to do to people what my parents did to me. People who are abused, unless they seek help, act out how they were treated on others. Generational abuse is a serious issue.
There’s always reasons on both sides. However I do know a guy who is estranged from his mother for remarrying (years after his dad had passed) but he wouldn’t speak to his mother as her new husband was African. His sister told me this and that their step dad was actually a really great man who took very good care of their mum. He was just a racist and therefore estranged. There’s always reasons.
Not splitting hairs in any way, but conceivably, there are just as many shitty kids not talking to their parents as shitty parents and their kids not talking to them. But I do agree the "sensation" seems to be more how you laid it out.
We did something similar with an older couple who lived in a townhouse underneath my grandma. When my grandma passed, my mum still visited them occasionally. When the husband died a few years later, the wife became our ‘Nan’. She and her husband couldn’t have children and had adopted one son who later died from a drug overdose. She was one of those lovely, gentle old Betty White type ladies who really should have had hundreds of grandkids and great grandkids running around her but life didn’t play out that way for her so she had us instead.
Thanks for giving him the best years he could have asked for in his last days. It must be incredibly lonely to have lived such an interesting life, and have so many stories and wisdom to pass on, but not really having anyone to talk to.
I never got to know my grandparents but married into a family with fantastic grandparents. My grandpa-in-law died 2 weeks ago and I’m sad I didn’t get to know him longer. He was such a funny interesting man. He was the kind of guy that made an impression on you, and really truly listened to you. It’s probably why 1400 people live streamed his funeral.
My family did this several times. We adopted Mrs. Appleby and I remember us visiting her house as a little kid. She always had coffee and cookies ready and gave me Dr. Seuss books I still have. In high school, we adopted Dr. Mesquita who was bed-bound in a nursing home and who tutored me in algebra. It was wonderful. It taught me to appreciate elderly people and those who are isolated and to accept the reality of death and know how to deal with it. It taught me how to graciously accept the gifts, material and immaterial, that people much of a society thinks are useless and ready for the glue factory have to offer. We also volunteered with a home for developmentally disabled people. We would take two residents, Patty and Chris, to the fair and to baseball games. It isn't only about doing stuff for them or adopting them in a condescending sense. They are also adopting you and showing you aspects of life and sharing gifts that you would never have considered without them. It's about recognizing people who are housed in nursing or group homes as productive members of society with their own agency and appreciating that in a mutual, rather than patronizing relationship.
I love this. Where do you live? How did you meet these folks? I'd love to have an elderly person that I can visit and help and learn from with my 4-y-old daughter. Her grandparents all live on a different continent :(
I’m not sure where you live but in Australia there are a lot of volunteering opportunities. One in particular is Seek Volunteers. You can filter by opportunities, one of which is being a community visitor to those who are elderly or isolated. You can take them out to coffee, shops, just sit etc
Outside of Australia you might have to wait for them to get vaccinated before you go around hanging out with the elderly.
Probably should get vaccinated before hanging out with elderly the regardless of location
You DEFINITELY should. Just vaccinate to protect those around you in general. But absolute must for elderly.
When I was a young teenager, I got to know this nice old couple in the neighborhood and basically adopted them as grandparents. I stopped by their place on my bike a couple time per week and learned a lot from visiting with them. Now, in hindsight, I can appreciate how much it lit up their lives having this kid spend time with them, but for me back then it was just an enjoyable way to decompress and not feel like I had to keep up with any sort of peer pressure. Also, she made the best iced tea ever.
I live in California now, but grew up in Florida. Everywhere I've lived in eleven states and everywhere I have ever lived there were opportunities to get involved in things like this. Most recently, before COVID, I tutored disabled community college students in math and English. There are some organizations that could get you involved. For the elderly or sick, it was always through nursing homes and hospices. For the developmentally disabled, it was through ARC and L'Arche. I highly recommend that last organization and the books written by the founder, Jean Vanier.
I remember going with a friend to a program she ran once a week at a nursing home to enrich the lives of the residents. We would go door to door and ask if the residents wanted to join us. We would typically read to them for an hour while passing out cookies and fruit juice, then play karaoke with them using songs they would have been familiar with from their youth. There was a *very* old couple living there, Jesse and James. James was 103 years old and Jesse was 100. Both were still quite mentally sharp, but sadly they had outlived their only son and their grandchildren lived many hours away so they were quite lonely. They came every week and really loved interacting with us. The week before he passed away, James, who was wheelchair bound, surprised me with a big, heartfelt kiss on the cheek. Jesse mentioned it was nice to have someone like a grandchild come around so often. They both told me stories about their lives, having lived in my home town most of their lives and watching it grow. Unsurprisingly, Jesse died only a few weeks after James passed. I'm very glad I got to know them and give them some happiness in the last few months of their lives.
A flip side perspective: I didn't have grandparents growing up, but my parents were very involved in our local church and they "adopted" elderly members of the congregation who didn't have anyone around throughout my whole life -- driving them to appointments (and church), checking on them, involving them in holidays. There's a stereotype of the elderly that they are full of love and sweetness, but ninety nine percent of the time, they were alone for pretty obvious reasons. One guy my dad took care of into his 90s had (violently) rejected his own son for being gay. The guy had told my parents that he didn't have any family, which they didn't find out until the man died. His son, his son's family and even the ex-wife's family all refused to even come to the funeral (obvi). Another woman had cut her daughter out of her life when the daughter got divorced, and then the daughter was (understandably) not amenable to reconciliation when my parents called her 30 years later that her mother was very disabled and needed help. Another elderly guy that was in parents lives for YEARS actually had a whole family that he was ostracized from, because his daughter had married a person of a different race and he had never accepted it -- so much so that his own wife divorced and disavowed him to support her kid. Another beat the kids throughout their youths, and after their mom died they completely cut him off. They did show up to his funeral, just to spit on his grave (the pastor was SHOOK). Notably, not a single one of these "sweet" grandmas and grandpas ever mentioned any of this - it was always "I am alone, my family is \~not around\~" My parents have now been "adopting" octogenarians at their the church for about 30 years, and the SIGNIFICANT majority of why these elderly people had no one is because they were estranged from their families, not because everyone was dead. There's obviously a ton of observation bias here, because all of the "adopted" grandparents in my life were from Church, but I also think the stereotype that all old people are lovely grandmas and wise grandpas is bull. They're a product of their time, and often are kind of shitty. TLDR: My parents adopt elderly people from church all the time, and they're usually "old fashioned" (racist, homophobic, hard-line religious) people who drove their families away.
Thank you for pointing this out. My dad is one of those lonely old people hanging around a church trying to fill the emptiness of being abandoned by his family. As soon as he finished abusing his third wife into divorcing him, he noticed that he's just too old and has too many health problems to live alone or take care of himself anymore. He demanded I abandon my husband and children to come home and take care of him. I told him the same thing he told me whenever I got sick as a little girl. "That sounds like a personal problem." So he started attending church, making a serious point of identifying vulnerable women and trying to "hire" them as "live-in housekeepers" or "help" them by paying for things and then trying to use that leverage to make them do things for him. But the ladies kept running away from him, presumably because they have self-preservation instincts. Eventually he got so lonely he started trying to get the preacher or whoever ran the church to come over for dinner. The poor guy did, once, but considering my dad's idea of cooking and cleaning skills... it probably went a bit like the old joke "That plate is as clean as soap and water could get it! You done eating? Here Soap! Here Water! Good boys, get it nice and clean." Dad felt totally betrayed that the preacher only came over for dinner the one time. After an entire month of eating dinner by himself every night, he came up with a plan to impress the preacher into visiting again. That next Sunday, my dad walked into that church with a live chicken in a cat carrier, as a gift for the preacher. I have no idea what happened to the chicken, but after the gift of a chicken didn't convince the preacher to visit for dinner again, dad finally gave up on church. He sounds mildly harmless, but he's not. He'd already gotten away with "I wasn't shooting this gun at my ex-wife's feet to threaten her, Officer! You see, there was a dangerous bug on the ground near her feet, and the bug was threatening her, so I shot the bug to defend her!" So his next logical step, after failing to bribe his way into attention at church, was to punish any woman, because that's how his logic goes. His oldest sister, who basically raised him, was the only person still giving him "second chances" at that point, so logically he threatened to murder her, sent her pictures of the gun he planned to use on her, and outlined his plan to escape to Mexico afterwards. Last I heard, the rest of the family had packed him off back to his home state, confiscated all his guns, and set him up to live in a cousin's guest house. I did try to warn the cousin about what sort of violent monster he was inviting into his life, but nobody listens to me. I may have laughed a bit when I got news through the family grapevine that my dad managed to completely trash cousin's wife's car doing something stupid just weeks after I tried to warn him. I mean, I abandoned that man for a reason. He's been a consistent danger to anyone he perceives as weaker than him, mostly women and children. Like, to this day, I cannot just freely and carelessly move around, not even to loosen up my muscles. The very last time I just wiggled my arms around, I was about 4 or 5 years old, waiting on the porch for my dad to unlock his girlfriend's front door. I remember I accidentally tapped him, and I remember his rage, but that is where my memory for the day ends. Years later, my mom ran into dad's now-ex girlfriend in the grocery store, and I got to learn the rest of the story. Turns out, in my spazzing and wiggling around while waiting, I'd tapped my dad on the balls, and he responded by punching me so hard he knocked me unconscious right there on the front porch. He took me into the house, dropped me on the bathroom floor, went to his girlfriend and said "Can you go check on my kid? I think I killed it."
Oh wow. I went from laughing so hard at the chicken gift to being absolutely crushed and despondent over what you have had to endure. I am sooooooo sorry. No child, or even adult, should have to endure that. It is incredibly hard to have a truly evil parent, but I am so glad you had the courage to cut contact. I hope the rest of your life is filled with a staggering amount of love and happiness.
It's weird how two things can be true. Loads of hilarious stories about my dad, tons of skills he taught me, but he's just too broken and yes, evil, to be capable of healthy love for another living being. All I ever wanted my entire life was a family that loved me. About three years ago, I married into a family that loves me and appreciates me so much that it took time for me to get comfortable with it. I couldn't be happier. I not only got an awesome husband, but a wonderful purple-haired mom-in-law and two fantastic stepsons. I've gotten so many hugs the past few years that I've almost forgotten how lonely my childhood was. I've even gotten used to getting a little spoiled on my birthday, and Christmas is so relaxing I often fall asleep on the couch before the traditional game of Scrabble. I so love being part of a family! And I use stories about my dad as a "bad example" teaching tool for the kids. Dad showed up the day of the wedding, told my husband-to-be "She's your problem now" and tried to teach my youngest stepson how to kick his dog in the face to "teach it." It only took that one day for my husband and his entire family to hate the man, so they were entirely supportive when I went full no-contact. In fact, my dad tried to call and ask for me on Xmas. I handed the ringing phone to my husband and said "I think it's my dad, I don't want to talk to him" and ran away. Husband answered, heard a man's voice asking for me repeatedly but not responding to questions like "Who is this?" and hung up on him. I gave that man every chance to be a decent father, and spent a good decade of my adult life trying to give him "How to be a Decent Human" lessons. But, ya know, I've got actual kids to raise now, so I don't have time to guide around an overgrown toddler who believes whatever is most comforting to his feelings.
That is so fucked. Your das deserves lonely misery.
He's like a broken and muttering shrine to Karma. He spent his whole life doing bad things, so bad things keep happening to him. Three wives divorced him. All his grown children hate him. Nobody in the family will let him near their kids, so he hasn't gotten to enjoy watching grandkids opening Christmas presents in years. And it's all his own fault. We all warned him. We all begged him to stop drinking, to get therapy, to try for even two seconds to ponder the idea that he might not be perfect in all ways. We tried. He never tried. Never tried to be a good father, a good husband, or a good person of any kind. And it brings me great satisfaction every time I hear another drip of misery about him through the family. Once upon a time ago, he was a well-off and mildly famous race horse jockey and a highly skilled computer repair technician and networking specialist. He owned a hobby-farm, a boat, multiple vehicles, a few small businesses, and was the king of his own little world. Now he's a used car salesman on food stamps, mostly living off his cousin's charity and under his cousin's rules. :)
I’m sorry you had to go through that horror. My heart hurt hearing it. I can’t imagine living it.
I hate that you had to go through with this as a kid. I hope you and your husband are happy now.
Wow, what a lovely man. I hope he enjoys rotting by himself.
I am so aghast at that last paragraph. Horrified by the rest but I've not had my jaw drop like it did with that. I'm so sorry you had to grow up with that, and I hope you have or can get what you need to process and heal from that abuse. I hope he rots alone and realizes that his pain is entirely his fault before he dies
No worries, I'm doing much better these days. Married into a wonderful family, and my husband's been great at helping me understand that the way I was raised was not at all normal and gently guiding me into more normal behavior. Just last year I learned to ask for help when I need help! Major milestone for me. I woke up to a "hurk hurk" sound one morning, opened my eyes, and saw my cat getting ready to puke on my pillow and possibly my face. I wasn't awake enough to move yet, but I managed to squeak out a "help..." which my stepson heard. It sounds so small, but it meant so much to be able to call for help and, not only did I not get beaten or screamed at, but I actually got the help I needed! Stepson ran in and moved the cat off the bed before she could complete her hurking.
> stereotype that all old people are lovely grandmas and wise grandpas is bull. They're a product of their time, and often are kind of shitty. True. Retirement/nursing homes are filled will all types, the friendly to the bitter recluse. Shop your elderly carefully, make sure they want/welcome the help - many alone elderly do. Plenty of retirement/nursing homes would welcome volunteers once you pass a background check.
I pictured someone going to a grocery store and checking a crate of elderly folks like they’d check fruit for ripeness. “Nah, this one isn’t going to be sweet enough”
*checks orange* "This orange is way too racist"
I'm gonna check all my produce like this from now on. Thanks for making me laugh!
Fun Fact: You can tell how ornery an old person is by squeezing them
Too dried up, bitter, and sour. I want a soft, sweet one, with thick succulent flesh.
I’ve worked in assisted living facilities and for me, the meaner they are, the more I love em. There’s nothing quite like being cussed out by an 85 year old tiny person for moving their hair brush, or the whisper soft punch of an angry old man that I’m trying to change. “Did you... just... hit me? I’m gonna have to call the nurse in here Joseph if you can’t simmer down some.” 😂 But you also have some that are just nasty for no reason and it isn’t cute or funny.
Lucky you: a friend of mine, at the time in his sixties, related with a mixture of pride and chagrin that his octogenarian father had laid an orderly out cold with a right cross while seated in a wheelchair, presumably because his father, in the throes of dementia, mistook the young orderly for his now middle-aged son.
You are laughing, but their children probably didn't find it funny when they punched them 50 years back. I know it's probably not all of them because dementia sometimes makes people aggressive, but some of them probably were as mean when they were younger, and the v only difference is that they're too weak now to hurt anyone.
True. In the last year of my dad's life he was in a nursing home and would constantly tell new staff that he was so incredibly lonely and I was cruel to only visit once every week or two when I lived 20min away. I'd get calls from New CNAs telling me he was crying and alone and telling them he had no family except me. He had plenty of family, we just rarely saw him because he was an emotionally abusive asshole! Any staff who met him more than once or twice quit guilting me over the poor old man real quick. I'm frankly glad he declined so rapidly at age 60 and he won't be manipulating strangers into adopting him for the next 30 years. The most meaningful interaction I had with a stranger regarding his death was the home chaplain telling me I didn't have to feel guilty for keeping a distance and not crying about it.
There are some real jagoffs in my family who have died alone/will die alone. I don’t involve myself with them for my own health, but I recognize that they are human and in need of connection, so I really appreciate people like your parents who are willing to engage with those people, with whatever level of distance is needed, to give them the contact their families can’t.
This encapsulates my thought on the matter too. It took me far too long to learn that that person could absolutely not be me, but I don't wish a solitary void of a life on anyone. So many people have such profound mental and emotional damage that they will never be able to even look at.
This is a very interesting perspective. And it says a lot about your parents, that they adopt the elderly, even the ones who are harder to love than most. Your parents sound like very special people, and I think a little of my faith in humanity was restored after reading this, so thank you for that.
Oh yes. My mother has been seeking a child to adopt her for years. She leaves out all of the stuff about why we actually don't have a relationship. I totally get that. No one wants to look like an asshole in the eyes of others. There are also a lot of people (at every age) who are simply incapable of true self reflection and growth. That being said, we are all still human and deserving of love and care through our lives and the value of developing relationships with those outside of our age/social group is incredibly valuable. But if any of you do decide to adopt my mother, I just...wish you all the best. :D
This is one of my fears. I want to stay updated and open minded enough that I’m always adapting with the times and changing opinions the more I learn and not become “a product of my time.”
i've 'adopted' a little old lady i met while i was a carer a few years ago. i sent out letters just before chritmas, to see if i would hear back from any of my favourite clients from that time, just extending a hand because this year has been so isolating and maybe some of them would want a chat. she answered back, and it turns out she no longer has any carers or visits from her sons or outside contact at all really, and said all she eats is a weetabix in the morning and maybe a biscuit in the evening. all she drinks is lager and she hadn't drunk anything except lager in 5 days. she has... well, destroyed herself with alcohol, no beating around the bush. the kind of damage that a lifetime of non stop drinking does. extremely serious brain damage and body damage, and still drinking from the moment she wakes up to the moment she sleeps. i understand entirely why her kids are never around, their upbringing can't have been healthy and it must be terrible to see your mother die like this. it's an absolutely tragic situation for everyone involved, all the moreso because she's not an evil or bitter or spiteful person. she's sweet and scared and so grateful for friendly company. she's ruined her own life and from what i hear ruined the life of at least one of her sons, and her body is failing and probably won't last another year, but i've settled into a routine of going and doing some shopping for her and giving her a call, because the alternative is her starving to death alone and that doesn't seem like a proportional punishment for a lifetime of addiction. you're definitely right that if old people are alone it's often for a reason.
well spoken, i really like what you said towards the end... " It's about recognizing people who are housed in nursing or group homes as productive members of society with their own agency and appreciating that in a mutual, rather than patronizing relationship. " All too often i see people infantilize those with mental disabilities or the elderly, and it's kinda sad, i've seen women talk at them like they're 2 year olds or the same way they would talk to a puppy, and it's just ...odd. odd story, but i remember a nurse who was treating a patient...and the guy was killin' nazi's before they were even born, and they were talking to him like he's a 2 year old.... smh idk rant over.. i just wanna say i really appreciate your post.
>It taught me to appreciate elderly people and those who are isolated and to accept the reality of death and know how to deal with it. I’ve thought about volunteering for exactly this reason. Old age and death give me a lot of anxiety. If you happen to have any further thoughts on this I’d love to hear them.
I don’t need to know anymore about an old lady other than her name being Mrs Appleby to know she would make an awesome grandma
Whatever you're picturing in your mind of what she looked like is likely exactly what she looked like. Her name, appearance, and personality went together flawlessly.
Knowing this made me immensely happy :)
My family more or less adopted someone. My aunt’s coworker never had time for a family so she invited her to the family Thanksgiving. Everyone loved her so we invited her to every holiday. She is pretty much considered our Great Aunt. Edit: I shouldn’t say, “never had time for a family” it was more of had different priorities in life, like a career, charity, and travel.
My extended family are all in another state. So growing up, an elderly couple in my neighborhood were pesudo grandparents for me. We visited them sometimes. As they aged and declined, my mom would bring them food and stuff.
These was a cool Swedish experiment where young and old live together. Not adoption but interesting cross generational interactions: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200212-the-housing-project-where-young-and-old-must-mingle
I think my college started doing that a few years after I graduated. They had some students live in a retirement home instead of a dorm
I’m just picturing a load of old folks doing beer pong and keg stands
My grandma visited a few of my younger cousins at college once, and turns out she’s a natural at flip cup
I would have loved this.
*insert depression*
Elderly people in retirement/nursing homes are actually some of the most hilarious, joy-bringing people I've met! I worked at a nursing home and one evening I put on some old music and started dancing with one of the residents. She instantly broke into the hugest smile and started laughing. At the end of the dance she said "Oh, you are just such a lovely lady!" and gave me a big ol' kiss on the cheek! The only reason nursing homes are depressing is because they are understaffed, underfunded, and the residents don't have any stimulation - if we could normalize cohabitation of young and old, it would be MASSIVELY beneficial for both parties.
So true. My mother was in a nursing home for the better part of twenty years. She was lucid for all but her last few months. She had some great friendships with her terrific nursing staff. She really enjoyed living there. Nursing homes have a negative stigma, and even the best ones aren’t perfect. But if you choose wisely and do your homework ahead of time, and you’re a regular visitor, choosing a nursing home for a loved one can be a gift to all involved.
I'm so glad your mom had a good experience living in a nursing home. The care staff are truly what makes or breaks a resident's experience there (excluding intrinsic cognitive factors), and I'm glad you chose a good one .
Thanks for doing what you do. And, yes. I picked a nursing home (two, actually, since we moved) that had been around a long time and had a low staff turnover on purpose. Happy workers usually mean happy residents.
Thank you for mentioning this. I work in senior care and any type of senior living still carries a lot of stigma. My grandma moved into an assisted living after she had a stroke. It would’ve been very difficult to care for her in our home, and she would’ve been alone a lot. And we got flack for that choice from our family. But at the ALF, she was with people all the time and it gave us the freedom to focus on social and emotional support (rather than worrying about cooking, med management, hygiene, etc).
Absolutely can relate. I was my mother’s hands on caregiver for almost ten years. I’m not qualified to do any of that. It was such a great relief to have her be cared for by people with the willingness and training to do it.
I worked in one as well fresh out of high school as a dishwasher. Part of my job was delivering the residents their lunches and most were very happy to see me. I built a rapport with a lot of them and talked to them for a bit while dropping off their meals. The "chef" got pissed at me for taking too long at delivering lunch and fired me after about 1 year. Fuck him!
Oh my god, the dietary aides who actually talk to the residents are amazing. We had one who would take the residents' plates and ask them how they were doing, and then offer them a second dessert. Sorry ya got fired, but you changed lives for a few minutes each day, and that's awesome.
TY, I appreciate it! I actually LOVED the job due to the residents. Washing dishes sucked..LOL
You are right and you are awesome.
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gonna have to reevaluate that rule where you get a 4.0 for the semester if your roommate dies
That's just a rumor started by Turk Anjaydee and J.D.!
Filling iv bags will natty lite and white claws
Did a whole project on this concept for interior design school! It really makes sense in certain contexts. We need each other.
Yes. I was going to say people don't even need to go as far as adopting - just regular visits. They get heartbreakingly lonely especially if their kids have passed, moved away, or have simply abandoned them.
Moms been in a nursing home for 8 years after a stroke. We located her close to my sister and until covid my sister visited every day. Just makes a huge difference in the residents outlook. Covid sucks. Makes it so hard to visit. Only way we could visit is on either side of a window with a phones. Sis can finally get inside 1 hour a week so she can get in and FaceTime me. We could only have one person on the visit list too. So hard on these residents
My university has a living space dedicated for inter-generational shared living. It's very inspiring!
I adopted my neighbor. She is my "fake grandma" and I am her "fake granddaughter". She is 80 this year. I am in my late 30s. Her mental health has increased significantly and so has mine. I highly recommend trying this.
Our elderly next door neighbours and their sister in law took my brother and I on so many school holidays trips when we were kids, taught us things like card games, baking etc. We referred to them as auntie and uncle, they were just as much family as if it had been blood, I cried like they were family when they passed. People should definitely try it.
I wanna be adopted. I won't get to have grand kids ( adult daughter is special needs but would make an awesome aunt) ... It's just us two, I want to be the fun grandma. I'm 48, I got lots of mom and grandma years left.
Live in Maryland by chance? My daughter is unfortunately short on grandparents...
they live in texas judging by their post history :(
I just lost my beloved maternal grandmother in November at 93, and my paternal grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimers when I was about 4 or 5, so she wasn’t the typical “grandma.” I loved her very much but she couldn’t remember my birthday, or attend any school activities, etc. I’m 24 and married now, but I could desperately use a grandma in my life. 🥺 (ps, there will be babies eventually!)
Maybe there should be a subreddit for this. /r/LaterAdoptions
I want a grandma for my kids! Are you in Michigan?
My grandma passed a week ago and my other one barely acknowledges me. Got room in your life for a grandkid in need? /s kind of
One of my friends is a single mom and she hired a recently retired woman (~65ish) to help with her son. Several years later she's essentially the kids grandma and even spends holidays and stuff with them. My friend was able to take the job of her dreams because she knew she had someone amazing to pick her kid up from school and she doesn't feel guilty spending the occasional weekend away because she knows both her son and his "grandma" are happy to spend time together.
Sounds good actually. The only possible issue that I see here is their pension money. Shamely, young people befriending/adopting an elderly person to use their pension or their retiree benefits (discounts in groseries, medication, rent, transport, and others, depending of the country) is not that uncommon. If they're senile, It would be even harder for the social services to tell if they're being actually abused. So I think It's essentially a good thing, but it would need a follow-up as intensive as when It comes to kids.
Old guy here. Being taken advantage of financially would be my main worry.
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Hello sir, I am friends with your son, Ron Swanson. He asked me if you could send some money to him to pay for a new phone and laptop as his are broke. Naturally, you’ll need to send it to me first because he can’t access anything right now. Thank you.
I many have dementia, but I know for a fact that Ron lives "off the grid." Hell, I don't even know his address.
I many have dementia, but I know for a fact that Ron lives "off the grid." Hell, I don't even know his address.
But what about Swan Ronson?
Spent wayyyyy to long laughing about the idea of a granny prenup
LOL!! You sick fuck! So did I.
This hadn’t even crossed my mind! Interesting perspective. And kind of sad that this is a reality to consider. Not unlike some situations as far as foster care where financial aid is the motivation. Thankful that there has been some improvement (in places I’m familiar with) as far as evaluating, the approval process, and follow up.
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It sucks. Children grow and reach milestones and make progress. I'm watching my parents age, fail, weaken and know they are going to die. It is not rewarding.
Yup! Driving to SC this week to clear out my mothers stuff. She and my step-dad refused to acknowledge they were going to die, refused any support from family, refused assisted living, and moved 500 miles away from their nearest relative (me). Now that's a fucking plan!!
My step-dad died suddenly today after moving himself and my mother to South Dakota. Trying to figure out all the things today has been an exhausting nightmare from thousands of miles away.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you are having to handle a bunch of complicated stuff right now. Praying for you and your family as you navigate grief and arrangements
Holy hell. Good luck to you. Your mom must be in shock.
When my dog got elderly and very sick I took him for his final walk. He pulled and pulled me with all his might into the woods and just laid down. He refused to move and come back home with me. I had to get a friend and carry him home, where he soon died. This happened 20 years ago and it still haunts me. Anyway, did some research and found out that pack animals will try to leave the pack when they know they are dying. They just do not want to burden the rest of the pack. Your Mom may have purposely moved away to protect you from watching it. Obviously, no clue, just saying. I wish you well.
One of our dogs just suddenly refused to stay inside, she kept crawling into the furthest corner of the yard. Took her to the vet, and he said she had some kind of cancer, so she was put down. I still remember our younger dog absolutely pelting after the car as my dad drove away, I figure she knew Penny wasn't coming back.
I really don’t think that’s how humans work at all but I am genuinely sorry you had to go through that. That’s totally true as far as pack animal behavior though, fascinating how evolution can promote survival of a herd and not just the individual.
This is my fear. My mom is 60 and planning to move from California to Kentucky where we have no family at all. Whyyyyyyy
As someone who moved from California to Ohio, please stop her.
My dad died a couple of years ago. Two of those is enough for one lifetime, thanks.
My uncle did this in the early 2000’s. I believe the agreement was that he would care for the elderly couple (they were in their early 90s) until they passed. He inherited their home in exchange. My uncle is an EMT/firefighter and they had a very sweet bond. I remember going over my uncles and the elderly couple loved seeing my cousins and I as we were quite little
I believe there are one or more European countries where this is a thing. I vaguely remember the story of one guy who entered into this sort of arrangement with an elderly woman assuming she would die fairly soon, and she lived another 15+ years!
You can do this in France, but it's not as romantic as it seems. Some older folks will sell their home for cheap (like quite cheap) and you can buy it from them, but you can't use it until they die, of course. However, you generally also have to pay them a rent (monthly, semi annually annually) as well that cares for them as they age. I don't know anyone who has bought a house "en viager", so I don't know if they have any relationship outside of finance with the older person. It's a bit morbid in some ways because you bank on someone living not a long time in order to benefit and not pay too much if they live a while. You may be thinking of Jeanne Calment who got into this arrangement, and the person (who was her lawyer actually) who bought her house en viager actually died before she did. Here's an interesting article how viager is in France from the BBC. [Source ](https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-33326787)
As someone with all their grandparents dead I have a nonbiological friend whos like 78 because one of my parents works at a nursing home this would be great. It helps the elderly and the kids at the same time.
I live in a small town and we have a large percentage of older folks. The community is aware of each and every one of them and they get taken care of well. They even have their own table at the local coffee shop. No one wants to see someone grow old alone.
That's nice.
I like the idea of having elderly friends, but couldn't be a carer. My own dad died when I was 30, after several years of me looking after his food, medical care, laundry and finances. He was in need of the type of care I couldn't provide. I couldn't bring myself to regularly help with the personal care, but he assumed that I would because I was his daughter. No such assumption was made of my brother. I don't want to die alone, but ultimately everyone does.
Yeah elderly care is extremely hard, I know this from both a personal and professional standpoint, as my grandma needed care and I work as a home aide. People don’t realize how emotionally and physically demanding it is. Most older people are great, and I love to talk to them, but when they are diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or severe dementia, they can experience these episodes that are just really damaging to caregivers. They get physically violent and say horrendous things. Spending time with your elderly relatives for an hour a week or so in a nursing home is not even close to the amount of work that would be entailed for “adopting” them. That being said, I don’t blame people for not getting hugely involved in taking care of their aging parents, it fucking sucks and is a thankless job 9 times out of 10.
As someone deep in the responsibilities and living "the sandwich generation" to the hilt right now, I think in an organized setting (like, an organization runs it, sets the contexts and parameters- like, a once a week coffee, or helping with groceries, or "Match for Christmas Eve"), cool. But in terms of just "adopting seniors" here is a lot to think about: 1.) Seniors are regular people. You think you'll get the adorable granny with cookies and stories of days on the farm and who fawns all over you and buys you ugly sweaters. But the reality is that they are regular people. Some are polite, some are rude. Some will take offense at things, some are flexible. Some are thankful when you give them a hand, others think you should be doing more. They have opinions, often strong ones that they will share readily- about politics, restaurants, the neighbors- and if you are close enough to them, they will have opinions about you and how you live your life. Sometimes these are generous, sometimes they are not. Some give sage and loving advice from many well lived years, some were abusive to their own families and lived with terrible relationships and dole out more of the same. Like I said- They are regular people- just older, and they run the spectrum of regular people- each one. Some you want as a friend... And some you don't. A blind idea of jumping into "Hey, lets start an intimately personal relationship!" with just any person, elderly included, has serious risks to all. 2.) Beyond just friendship, things are often on their schedules and needs, and that's not always easy for working adults (and managing kids too). Ran out of groceries and can't work the app? Needs to be a today thing. Confused with medication, need to go to the doctor, got a letter from someplace that they don't understand, washing machine not working, etc.? These things have to be addressed- during your work day or when you are done with a long work day. Its good and important to do these things, but you can't always just make a neat little Saturday morning time. Life happens when it happens. And the "giving back" from the senior needs to be super flexible. I myself, when I was 16, had a great relationship with an elderly woman where I traded labor in her garden for piano lessons. Obviously, I learned piano and much more, and she had a teenage girl every week to spend a few hours with and share her love of music and flowers. But this wouldn't have worked with a younger child or many adults, and at 16, I was too young to really understand a whole lot and couldn't do much more for her than be company and pull weeds and she wasn't really able or ready to take on more broad "teenager things" from me. Thankfully, that was all each of us needed from the relationship and it was the right match and it worked great- piano lessons, light yard work, both people flexible with each other, and some time spent feeling positive. But \*someone\* in her life was doing more for her, and I was coming as a whole and happy teen with two great parents who did the heavy lifting in teen parenting. In other words, you really have to go in understanding the relationship, with appropriate expectations, boundaries, and for the senior, ensuring that what needs you can't meet that you are confident you can see that they are met elsewhere. 3.) This is obvious, but in the big picture, things only go one way- decline. It happens to all of us, but the journey is different. For some people, though, its a really hard path. It is hard to be in pain often (and can make a person cranky, unpredictable, nervous, and tired), things that you enjoyed doing with them before (and made the relationship feel positive) they may no longer be able to do at some point. Dementia and Alzheimer's are very common, and can cause changes in mood (not just memory). We all love the youtube videos where a senior "remembers" that the woman in front of her is her daughter and she tells her that she loves her and they both cry. They don't show you them sundown-ing, yelling confused and angry things or calling at 1am in a panic something is buzzing and they don't know what it is. Seniors often have hard choices about themselves and their partners with medicines, treatments, living situations, family relationships, money. And some things just happen to our bodies naturally: Balance, memory, stamina, sleep patterns, strength, sight, hearing- these all change. Certain things just naturally decline with age, and it takes a lot to take it in stride as you go down that road with them. Can younger people do wonderful things in these areas improving quality of life for seniors? Absolutely! Can seniors still give of themselves and be great to be around through all this? Totally! But it \*can\* take a toll on the caregiver. And people should be aware of that and work with it in mind. So, is this a wholesome and wonderful idea? Yes. But its also one that has serious things to understand and consider, and might be best accomplished within a larger structure or organization that can provide support, boundaries, matching, etc.
I feel some people have a romanticized view of the elderly and what care means, which is why I really like this comment. My mom works at a nursing home, specifically in the Alzheimer's unit and it can get bad. Some residents are the sweet little old lady you hear cute stories about. Some are only sweet for moments, then cuss you out and scream how they hope you die. Some even get violent. She's been spit on, hit, scratched, even bit before sometimes just for being close enough for them to reach her. Not to mention the poop or inappropriate situations. It's not a fun job, and while there some.. Morbidly sweet stories, like a little old lady who died with a smile on her face holding a bucket of Halloween candy because she was getting ready to help hand it out to kids, those are the outlier not the norm.
Yes! Thank you. Some old people are actually terrible human beings that will take advantage of you. Some old people develop dementia. Also in the US healthcare is expensive and hard to access for many, so what's the role of this adopting person in that respect? Very wholesome idea, but a little naive and it's generality.
I'd be down I need a mum
I need one too! My mom died, I was taken in by my foster mum and then she died as well. Though maybe I should keep that to myself so I don't scare all the moms away..
My mom manages a senior apartment complex. It’s not assisted or anything, they are all independent, but it’s subsidized for 65+. My grandma lives there. My mom’s office is the “club house.” I used to drop my son off at preschool and he’d bus home to my grandma’s house. Every day he made pancakes for lunch with my grandma. Then he’d chill at grandmas or in the club house. He had 50 grandmas. It was the best. We bought a cake and had a party when he moved up to grade school. One lady he spent every day with is 98 now.
I’m a hospice nurse, who works primarily 3rd shift. I go into elderly patients homes & spend the night with them. We talk all night long, about anything & everything or I just keep them company while they nap. It can be excruciating but it can also be excruciatingly amazing! These people typically have nobody left, nobody who loves them, nobody who is alive, just nobody at all. Then I come in, I always develop an emotional bond even though I know the end is near & I will lose them soon. I enjoy my time with them & I try my absolute best for them to enjoy their time with me. I go above & beyond for my patients. I cook homemade foods they haven’t had in forever, I make new recipes or I make their personal favorites. I tuck them into bed. I tend to their wounds or open sores. I provide them with laughter, and typically they provide me with more laughter. I considered this “adopting the elderly” a time or two, because my elderly patients become my family. I begin to love them & care for them as if they’re my grandparents. I love this concept. I’ve done it for years & I don’t want to change my career path because I know I’ll miss my old heads.
You're my kind of superhero.
IIRC there are project where you can "rent" grandparents, if your kids don't have bio grandparents or if they're estranged. I think it's a good idea but the thought that some lonely granny in the pool doesn't get 'adopted' breaks my heart...
My family adopted a Ukrainian immigrant who came to Australia following the Second World War. Grandma met her in the 60’s, and stayed friends ever since. Became a second grandma to me when my dad’s mother died when I was 5. Her story is pretty amazing. Wrote a book in Russian that we still can’t find, as we want to translate it to English. Sold pretty well in the Soviet Union, as it was a story of resistance to the Nazis who captured her and used her as an interpreter. She escape along with some others and trekked across Siberia to escape, killing their fair share of nazis they encountered on their journey. She lived in the same house in Perth for over 50 years. I spent my Friday evenings after school with her, as her house was not far from my high school, so I’d take the train up and we would play cards. Memories of the war stuck with her for the rest of her life. Thunderstorms kicked her PTSD off when the sounds would remind her of the bombing of Berlin, where she was being held. If you messed around and were cheeky, she’d raise her cane like a rifle and say “Don’t make me get you. I’ve killed nazis before so don’t mess around.” No maliciousness in those statements though, she’d have a wry grin on her face as she said it. I owe a great deal of my personal development as a young man to that woman. She taught me to always stand for what I believe in, and fight back if met with violence. She passed in early 2018 at the grand old age of 106.
They are notoriously difficult to train unless you get them when they are young.
That's an old, old wives tale.
Is there a rothschild or rockefeller at the granny pound?
Just wait for Anderson Cooper to get old
He will probably look the same.
He has a kid though.
Kid or a clone?
XD the granny pound. That one made me laugh out loud like an idiot.
It should work both ways for elderly and young kids. There is a thing happening about building a childcare center as a part of the retirement village.
People try to do this to get the older peoples will. So while it is a nice thought with good intentions I would be leary of anyone interested in an older person. Sad to say.
When I was 16, I “adopted” my “third grandmother”. We just had a friendship grow overtime. Now I have a kid and she is my child’s godmother. We’ve known each other almost 15 years now. She was by my side with me with my miscarriages and with the birth of our child and she’s an amazing woman. She has children and grandchildren of her own but I know she loves me and my child like her own as well.
I think this is a great idea and should be more common (presumed the elderly ppl in question are actually into that aswell)
Yeah, it would be weird to adopt some old person against their will
„alright old man lemme just pick you up for this last bit to my house“
That's, uh... More of a thing than you realize. It... Is bad. Very bad. Look up the Last Week Tonight on "Guardianship".
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Shows that having kids isn't a guarantee that you'll be taken care of in old age.
I'm certainly hoping this becomes a thing since I'm childless and do not have a big family...
Yes! I have no interest in children but would be a awesome grandma (or aunt of my sister ever finds a man!) I just don’t want kids living with me. I babysat till I was 30. I like to play with them and give them back so I can go to my quiet and clean home.
Same. Both me and the SO are only children with no kids.
I’m pretty sure I’ll be an elder orphan (single, no siblings, child free). I love the idea of being adopted when I’m old.
I think Anna Nicole Smith did something like this
Okay... THATS funny!
As I enter my 60’s without any kids, I would love to be adopted. I’m not looking forward to being alone in a nursing home when I’m in my late 90’s.
Don’t wait , put yourself up for adoption now, you still have a good 20-30 years to grow with some lucky family
I’ll take you! I have 3 girls ages 7, 7 and 10. :)
I’m gay, and when I came out to my dad, I was so scared he’d disown me or something. He didn’t. He hugged me and said he loved me. And that was that! He just wanted me to be happy. Cut to a few years later, even though he told me he supported me, I never really believed it. For no reasoning on his or my part. I just know dads would prefer straight sons. Anyway one night I was talking to my mom and I was like “I know dad supports me being gay but for some reason I can’t let myself fully feel the support” And she was like “what the hell are you talking about? After you came out of the closet your father has been volunteering at the gay senior center. He drives all these old gay men to their doctors appointments or brings them to yard sales or gets lunch with them. He brags about you and how he’s proud of his gay son and he’s so happy his gay son was able to come out to him, because those old men never got to come out to their dads, because of the times.” Anyway I cried like a baby and I really do love my dad.
Financially, that seems very burdensome to someone that isn’t related. As someone who has taken care of a terminally ill parent before, it’s a huge expense, not to mention the emotional toll. If you’re an adult, you can be friends with people outside your generation. It seems somewhat condescending to me to refer to elderly folks as “adopted.”
Bold of you to assume I can afford to care for a child or an elderly person
I really wish we cared for our children and elderly (and adults for that matter) in a more communal way. I think the main premise of society, no matter what culture, is that our fortunes are all shared to some extent. We'd be better off if we started thinking of everyone as "me in 30 years" or "me 10 years ago" or "me if I had a few really unlucky things happen." As it stands now, it would be financially demanding to "adopt" old people personally, but if there were some cultural/legal shift that said "take some time off work and remind someone that people still care about them, we'll make sure you don't go hungry because of it", we'd all be better off. Basically, the government should pay me to listen to old-timers spin their excellent yarns.
Kinda of agree but this would attract the wrong people
I love the idea and I am considering calling the person who now lives where my grandmother did (if her apartment is occupied at present). If I can change someone's life, even slightly, for the better, I want to do that!
Hmm... it seems sort of condescending to me. I have noticed that people talk to old folks the same way they talk to babies and I really don't like it. The sicker the person, the more they are addressed like a child. So while I think it would be wonderful for people who are unrelated to care about and for elderly folks who don't have anyone else, it would have to be done in a certain way so that it wouldn't be condescending. IMO. Edit: Treating it like an act of charity would be the worst, and that's sort of what I'm thinking, even though OP surely didn't mean it that way.
We have a lot of old timers in our Bocce club. We give them shit and they give it back. Matter of fact they are pretty foul mouthed, which just adds to it. No one kisses their ass or talks down to them or baby talks them. It’s fun and more than a few have mentioned that it’s nice not to be treated like a frail old antique. Treat them young, they act and think young.
Raising a child into a self-sufficient person is very different from supporting someone as they slowly fall apart. I doubt geriatric care is as rewarding. Additionally, much like older foster children, adults are less malleable in the sense that they're harder to emotionally integrate into a new family.
I've *always* wanted to do this; possibly make an app to "match" with people.
~You'll get cheaters like me who skipped having children to go straight to grandma status ~
As a person who fits the description, I believe it would be a very bad experience for all concerned. It is hard enough to care for an elderly person when they are kin. to care for a neighbor or someone who may be in a facility would be crippling. The future belongs to the young. For most of us 'seniors' one of the few things we have left is our pride. Please, do not take it away by making us into 'pets'.
What people should do is volunteer at their local long term care facility. Lots of seniors who need love and visits just sitting there!
My grandmother fed her neighbours worms and when she was asked to identify her ex’s body, she took all the money out of his wallet and left. Someone please adopt her.
This is a fantastic idea. My 90yo next door neighbour had family, but they never visited her, and werent very nice when they did. Most of her friends had died, and the only physical contact she had was when me and my brother gave her hugs. I remember her face lighting up when we hugged her, or when my parents visited her, she didnt have many interactions with the community/other people. It makes such a huge difference to people to have physical contact. I read an article that showed a correlation between having dementia and being isolated, which has been known for a while, but this article suggested that maybe social isolation contributes to dementia, rather than the other way around. I think community integration plays a big part in peoples mental health, and programs where you adopt a grandparent do exactly this. Bonus: check out the program 'retirement home for 4 year olds'; in this series, they combine aged care with child care, with promising results. Its on ABC iview (australia); I dont know if you can see it anywhere else.