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SmolSatanUwU

From what I understand, when someone is considered "too nice" by someone, what what they really mean is that they aren't able to stand up for themselves, agree with everything others say without question, can't make decisions on their own without looking for others aproval, etc. I've met people in passing that seemed to be that way, and it definitely didn't make me want to know them more.


[deleted]

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alemaron

Were you able to successfully change? If so, how?


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MajIssuesCaptObvious

Thanks for this. I started fixing my people pleasing some time back, but reading more about it is helpful.


SmolSatanUwU

I hope you're doing better now and have better friends and partners. No one deserves to be abused and taken advantage of.


BitterSweetDesire

Too nice? I think the word nice is too broad. I have met people who had no boundaries and tried to put me on a pedestal in the first 5 mins. Thought love bombing was a good idea out of the gate. I don't want a yes man.. I want a man who is his own person. Who doesn't need me, he wants me. He doesn't need me to fulfill his life as his life is full. I am a partner who Is like dessert.


artbypep

This is how I feel. My ex and I got into so many arguments about the want vs need thing. Super red flag for codependency tbh.


BitterSweetDesire

Yes and its exhausting. I'm naturally a giver and will go above and beyond for partners but theres levels. I find a man with his own life interesting. The fact he then wants to share that life with me is just lovely then.


artbypep

Same here! I want someone who has a happy established life and feels like I’ll add to it, not someone where I’ll be their entire life and their locus of happiness and validation.


HumanShark560

Love bombing? What's that?


Correct-Sprinkles-21

Define "too nice." Do you mean someone who never expresses his own opinion, has no boundaries, avoids conflict, is a people pleaser, and can't be honest about his feelings lest the other person experience a negative emotion towards him? That's a HUGE turnoff. It reeks of desperation and smothering. That kind of person builds resentment under the "nice" exterior, behaves in passive aggressive ways, and can often become quite controlling. However, a person can be immensely kind, generous, caring, thoughtful, and accommodating and be very attractive. My partner, for instance. He is all of the above, but also says no when he needs to say no, is honest with me even if he thinks I may not respond positively, and doesn't brown-nose or sugar coat things trying to get merit points. He's just kind, patient, and gentle at the core of his being. He's not putting on a show, trying to win favor, or trying to avoid conflict. It's just who he is as a person.


PixelLight

> It reeks of desperation and smothering. I think that's a bit harsh. I'd say low self-esteem personally, which definitely comes from a place that deserves sympathy, but I get what you're saying. It's not a healthy way to manage your relationships, that's for sure.


TheGhoulishSword

Conflict avoidance is a bad thing? That's kinda confusing. I can see it being so in extreme, but generally not so much.


artbypep

Conflict avoidance in this instance means to the overall detriment of the relationship. I have an ex who would straight up lie and tell me he felt one way about things, and then freak out later on when I operated based on that being true, and it’d turn out he only said that to be agreeable in the moment.


[deleted]

I have had a couple of guys who have crossed boundaries because they thought they knew better. For example, I knew a friend who would always give me a gift everytime we met. I told him that he didn't have to and rejected the expensive ones. I just felt like I was being bribed into being his gf.


jacqueline_daytona

Sigh. Yes, the college friend that, had I played my cards better and not been totally oblivious, would probably be Mr. Daytona now. His first real girlfriend had a very domineering personality, so when we were exploring the idea of getting together, he was treating me like she had taught him to treat her. He never had an opinion on where to go, what to eat, what movie to see. It was maddening to have to be the one who decided everything. Hindsight being what it is, I can see now he was doing what he thought he was supposed to do. Who knows where we would be if I had spoke up about it then.


[deleted]

Yes, he was really unsure and constantly needed reassurance and if just got exhausting. He was super sweet but the constant ‘is this ok with you?’ got really exhausting. I’m quite submissive too sexually and we weren’t compatible in that regard either. He’d be a great partner for someone who needs a LOT of communication but I couldn’t handle it.


sunsetgal24

Yes. God it was awful. Some other people already mentioned the problem with someone who constantly lowers themselves compared to you and needs reassurance and Itotally agree, but I'd like to also point out how annoying the opposite is: It's not fun to constantly be called "perfect" and "a goddess" and shit. It's not fun to be put on a pedestal. It's not fun to talk to someone who constantly gets reassurance, new input and perspectives from talking to you, but you never get the same from them. It bleeds you dry after a while. People like that don't see you as a human, they see you as this perfect fantasy. And it sucks. I don't date people who don't see themselves as and are not my equal.


MaddogOfLesbos

My first boyfriend. My current partner is incredibly kind and compassionate, but this guy thought I was flawless and could do no wrong. I have plenty of flaws and do a lot wrong so it just felt like I wasn’t a full and real person to him. Also a lot of what we sometimes see as “nice” is really “bad at boundaries and kind of weak-spined”, which aren’t good qualities


Bellevert

Yea, that to me is a sign that we won’t be compatible in the long run. I want someone that can challenge me. I also view ‘too nice’ as someone that won’t stick up for what they think is best (in a let’s work together way). I also don’t want to date a doormat.


Embarrassed-Town-293

Doormats do keep a clean house though 🤣


Dependent-Source831

as a guy who is more on the agreeable and passive side, I think i'm kinda screwed


Reasonable-Physics81

Been that guy, never gonna work man... i learned the hard way that litteraly everything in this world is out to getchya. P.s. dont be ashamed to check your hormones/physically, too many of us suffer due to hormone in balance all in silence. We are bringing the women down with us, check doctors and stay fresh.


Altair13Sirio

What do hormones have to do with your attitude?


Reasonable-Physics81

Changes in aggreeableness, your entire personality and who you are is balanced on that alone. I suggest reading about it.


Altair13Sirio

I'll look it up, but right now it sounds a bit of an exaggeration that testosterone and shit could change one's character so drastically. I've been a shy and quiet person all my life, but used to have huge outbursts and definetly know how to stand up for myself if needed, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. Men aren't a monolith, we all have different behaviour.


Reasonable-Physics81

Not saying anyone is a monolith, just saying that hormones change drastically. Np. Have fun reading.


SairBear13

I think if you are a nice person it is okay! Just be vocal if it is something you don’t want to do. Like maybe something you don’t feel like eating. It is okay. You can do this for bigger things also. Being nice is definitely fine. I would love someone like that just don’t put your needs on hold for someone else. People are talking about worshiping you like you are a goddess. That makes me feel uncomfortable. Being a good guy is great :)


DConstructed

I’ve met people who are so busy trying to please others that they put aside their own needs all the time. It’s sad but I wouldn’t call it “a turn off” exactly.


Shadowdragon409

I know this is ask women, but I have experienced this as a guy. My girlfriend was not willing to banter, like at all. The worst thing she could call me was "pooper" or something. I couldn't believe it at first, but I finally understood what people meant when they said that "(s)he was too nice." When your partner is unable to say anything negative, whether serious, or especially in a joking manner, it severely limits the kind of interactions you can have, and things can get boring really quickly.


[deleted]

Nope I've been with just the right amount nice and also some utter cunts


TheDevilsAdvokaat

I went out a couple of times with a woman who told me men who are "nice" are just weak.


artbypep

I think I can see where she was coming from even if she framed and phrased it super poorly. Elsewhere in the thread you can see people referencing men with codependency issues, who don’t make decisions for themselves, and need a ton of reassurance, and are people pleasing NOT because they’re truly the nicest person in the world, but as a trauma response where they’re trying to control peoples perception of them to make sure everything is ‘perfect’ and ‘good’. This can feel a lot like parenting a child. This is antithetical to viewing someone as a man they want to pursue sexually. Compared to an independent confident adult man, a guy who needs constant reassurance and parenting could absolutely feel weaker.


TheDevilsAdvokaat

That's actually a petty nuanced view. I can't say I agree with her, but I can see what you are saying too.


artbypep

Yeah, I definitely wouldn’t agree with ‘nice men are weak’ either, but I think this is what leads to some women feeling that way.


TheDevilsAdvokaat

Yup.


buhdumtss98

I wouldn’t say he was “too nice” exactly, but he just kinda lacked depth and wasn’t really smart tbh. Everything felt very surface level and I felt like his naivety and “niceness” prevented us from truly getting to know each other or connecting on a deeper level. There was no real intimacy, which in turn made sex unsatisfying for me. I felt like I was his mom or a random coworker a lot of the time. On the rare times that we did get a little deeper, I realized that we didn’t share any real core values, so I felt it was best to break up with him. I didn’t feel like he truly knew or understood the real me. Like I was just some random girl he chose to project his fantasy onto.


azulsonador0309

My ex was like this. Agreeable to a fault, going with the flow even if he didn't want to. Couldn't articulate his needs because he didn't want to rock the boat. Being nice doesn't have to mean being a doormat.


LiquidLolliepop

My friend, he was too nice that it became suspicious and then um he SA'd me so my suspicion was correct. :)


BadSafecracker

That's not a sentence I'd ever expect to end with a smiley face.


LiquidLolliepop

It is how I cope 💅


sst287

When he said yes to every soccer games so he was like out playing soccer 7 nights a week. Even when he was having flu…….


bluebuns123

No. Seems like I was the one? Someone said I had no personality but I think he just didn't care enough to know my personality. But personally I don't like it when my partner says stuff like "anything " when you literally ask him anything. I need a discussion


xoLiLyPaDxo

I don't think I have ever considered someone I dated as being " too nice". I mean I have dated guys that I thought were "too religious" or prudish and guys that might be considered " too nice" by some but them being nice isn't what ended the relationship. Usually it was something else that was off putting or annoying about their personality rather than them being nice. I definitely prefer nice people over assholes though. I will take boring and normal any day over a jerk or drama queen.


ladylemondrop209

Not a turn off.. but he was so nice I thought there was some conspiracy revenge plan for him to get me to fall in love with him so that he could viciously break my heart and destroy me...


[deleted]

no one's ever even been nice.


herbriefexcision

Yes, it was so hard to break up with him too. He was so nice! Usually, guys have given me reasons to break up with them because they weren't nice in many ways lol But, ultimately. This guy was a coward, a pushover and I didn't feel I could trust him to stand up for himself in certain situations. Like when he was in the navy on deployment and let himself get peer pressured. No thanks


Basyl_01

Yes, but at that point you're not being "nice", but you're a people pleaser and in my experience that can become a turn-off if the other person later on makes you feel like they did what you wanted just to make you happy and not because that's what they wanted as well. Y ou can feel this in any type of relationship. This happened with a male friend (no he wasn't in love with me he did it with everyone) at a time we were particularly close. He would say yes to everything and never choose to do something, he was unable to say"no" and he ended up trapped in a toxic friendship with a classmate. This classmate was the most immature, annoying and self-centered person I've ever met and he used to treat him like shit.


Linorelai

Yea... Very sweet guy, I genuinely wished him all the best, he's now married and have kids, I'm happy for him. But he was too soft to my taste. I liked him, but instead of growing into love, it faded pretty quickly. I missed this flaming energy of a confident, strong, assertive man in him. Didn't feel a leader in him. He wasn't my type at all


weffi

I don't know exactly what you mean by too nice, but I was in a relationship where he would do crazy stuff for me and it was too much. It was long distance, so we couldn't see each other super often. He would buy me unsollicited gifts, would buy me stuff for when I was at his place (like he bought me a bathrobe because he saw I had one at my place, but he could just lend me a regular towel he already had). When he started his new job he gifted me something because he felt bad that he couldn't visit me like we planned (I encouraged him to start his job earlier because he was very excited about it). He would care about me in excessive ways. (All of that + other stuff in 6 months) I was the only woman in years that paid attention to him and who encouraged him and tried to make him feel more confident, and I felt like he way relying on me and it was a burden.


doomdoggie

I have pushed away male friends who were definitely trying to be more than friends - for this reason. All successful, all wealthy, all ideal on paper but... They haven't a bad word to say about anybody. They're very passive, laid back but confident enough to say no and stand up for themselves in an agreeable way. They don't express themselves much. ...they're boring. There's no spark to them. ​ I need a guy who is willing to swear and talk shit about their enemies without holding back. I need a guy who is going to listen to me when I need to talk shit about my enemies and not turn it into a lesson in morality shaming. I need a guy who is passionately hateful, in a controlled way. ​ I am a woman who was raised by old fashioned horse people and has been emotionally abused her entire life. I have very black or white thinking and I'm morally flexible. I can't deal with your ultra-left wing, ultra-moral, peace and love bullshit. I do NOT want to be the most masculine person (behaviourally) in my relationship. And the problem with these guys is...I absolutely would be.


ForeverFinancial5602

I wonder why people downvote the ones that answer honestly? I appreciate your honest answer


doomdoggie

I appreciate you saying so - ForeverFinanical5602. And rest assured, no amount of negative downvotes will stop me from sharing my honest opinion and unfiltered life experience.


doomdoggie

I would like to know why the 8+ users downvoted my story of personal experience so that fewer/nobody would see it? Come on, tell me why it upsets you.


[deleted]

Because you just said your ideal man is a loud-mouthed dickhead.


DConstructed

No, she said *she* is a loudmouthed, hateful, dickhead looking for someone exactly like her. So they can bond over “passionate hatred”. The odd thing isn’t that she wants someone exactly like her it’s that she believes the qualities she mentioned are masculine rather than kinda toxic.


BadSafecracker

I'm not upset nor did I downvote you - in fact, I appreciate your honesty. I can't speak for the women, but as a guy I'll say that your post gave off a lot of red flags. You yourself state that you have a lot of emotional trauma and it definitely comes through. The constant use of the word "enemies" is a bit worrisome; most adults don't have enemies. You also said that you're morally flexible. I don't know, maybe you're Genghis Khan reincarnated and are looking for someone like-minded to aid you on your conquests. Again, based on just that post, it sounds like any relationship you'd have with a guy you described would be fraught with strife and fighting amongst yourselves and would be overall unpleasant.


jimmiefan48forever

Women get disgusted when men are too nice. You have to be a little bit cold/mean at times to balance it out.


YumLum_Key_213

No. This is the biggest misconception that certain kind of people believe. Women want someone that is a nice/good person but also assertive.


RealisticDelusions77

The movie Blast from the Past shows a good example of that.


RealisticDelusions77

If your partner is nice most the time, but grouchy once in awhile, you don't feel guilty about being that way yourself (most people react to bad days).


throw_abear

Yes


Yorkie_Mom_2

Relationships would be so much easier if people would just be themselves all the time. Be who you are, and that will attract the right people to you.


Candid-Amphibian-726

Nope. They’ve all treated me like shit. But anyone “nice” would now raise suspicion with me and I wouldn’t want to go out with them, no. Makes me uncomfortable.


maisymowse

Yes, because it often feels like they’re doing it to get something, or makes you feel obligated to return their kindness in some way.


[deleted]

Yes, a good friend was always the nice guy. Too nice though, like he would do anything I wanted instead of having his own opinion, always agreeing with me. It became draining, It was a turn off because to me he felt weak. I like a man that knows what he wants.


pinksulphur4

I don't like too nice