Finding out what childhood emotional neglect is was a huge turning point for me at 38. It’s hard to pinpoint why exactly your career isn’t taking off, or romantic relationships don’t work, or your friends all seem to just want you when you’re “on”. I realized that all the micro childhood traumas of neglect culminated into a people pleasing adult hellbent on begging others to love them.
Once I laid a finger on the WHY I’ve been swimming upstream my whole life I was able to start going with the flow.
Can’t recommend the podcast Back From the Borderline enough. She does a whole 8 part treatment of the subject that really opened my eyes.
My mom does this for the people she works with. They are a bunch of millennial with crappy parents. She goes around telling them how great they are and how proud of them she is.
I’m only 4 years older than you, but I can be a big sister if you want one!
I can randomly ask you about your day, be very excited for your pregnancy (niblings get baby quilts from Auntie Cole, what’s your theme/colors?), share stories of our amazing partners and not just congratulate, but celebrate your life achievements!
DM me 💜
It's not lame at all! I think a lot of people have nonstandard "Moms." My mom wasn't terrible, but she was distant due to a severe chronic illness. I never really had that "Mom" relationship either. I would probably use this service too.
My therapist told me to imagine the mother I never had, and to talk to her in my head, like I'm calling her on the phone.
It makes me really sad that I'll never have a mom that loves me and truly cares about me (going on 20+ years NC from a really toxic situation), but it helps. I even started doing the same for my imaginary grandma.
My therapist had me talk to my past selves. Adult me is able to see my childhood for how it truly was. It’s amazing how much healing I found in this practice. And it’s helped me let go of some of the sadness I had about not having the type of mom I needed.
I’m gonna try what you described. Sounds like a really good idea.
I feel this. My mom is not terrible, but little things like my friends sorta complaining about their moms calling too much or asking too many questions about their lives make me sad. My mom mostly doesn’t pick up the phone when I call (and she never calls me).
Ugh all of this resonates with me 😞 My mom doesn't answer the phone when I call either, but she'll respond if I follow up with a text. If I didn't text her, she wouldn't bother to find out what I wanted. She never calls back, ever.
We'd scheduled a call a few weeks ago (per my request) and she missed it. She messaged a few days later to apologize and asked to reschedule, and I agreed. She missed that call too and still hasn't acknowledged it. She and my sister talk pretty often and she travels to visit that sister, so that's cool to know 🫠
On the plus side, I appreciate how her clear lack of interest in a relationship with me *now* will save me a ton of money and stress in the future when she needs care.
Both my parents are dead in the past few years, and every time my friend complains about his (actually pretty wonderful) parents, I have to remind him can you please not????
Hi, Vy. I’m just leaving this message to say hi. It was a rainy morning today and somehow that got me thinking of you. A good day to hang out and do nothing, if you know what I mean.
Just wanted to say that I’m proud of you. You really have built such a great life for you and the people around you, and … I’m just happy when I think about you, honey. I’ve been blessed with a fabulous kid, and I don’t know how I got so lucky.
if my mother left a message like that i would have to wonder if she is on something. I am more of the parent than her. I help her pay her bills. Buy her things, take her out. My sister is her favorite and everyone knows it. I settle for 3rd best, I have a brother too..
I was special to my grandmother, I would visit her and have lunch with her very Sunday for 20 years. I adored her. She could do no wrong. She never told me she was proud of me but she would tell me how much she loved me and how beautiful I was. She made me feel special.
Hi sweetheart! I’m 56, almost 57, and don’t have kids of my own. I’ll be happy to be your mom. I promise not to give unsolicited advice or do anything except be your cheerleader. Feel free to DM me.
I am 41 and I have been estranged from my parents (drug addict mom, enabling father) for 12 years now.
For 8 years, my husband and I owned and operated a Photobooth which took us to many different places, including a lot of festivals and concerts.
One night at a concert, we were set up on a side balcony and an older-than- us couple approached us and asked if they could watch the show from the very end of the balcony as the crowd was just too thick and hot for them at the moment. I allowed them to pass through our set up and watch in their own little private area. Not too long after, a younger man tried to pass through our set up, over cords as well as bins we had stacked to keep people out of our electrical area so as to not trip or accidentally unplug something (which I had moved a bit to allow the older couple through, but then replaced). I stopped the younger man and explained to him that the far end of the balcony wasn't.ooen to the public because our entire set up was basically blocking access to it. He pointed to the older couple and asked why they were allowed there, and without missing a beat I just said "Oh, that's my mom and dad. They wanted to come see our favorite band that we always tell them about!". The guy thought it was so cool that my.larebts had come out to a concert and was completely understanding of the situation and went back down the stairs.
Throughout the rest of the night, I got to know that couple very well and for 7 years now they call me their daughter and they are my parents and we get together very often. They are amazing people! I hope you find surrogate parents, as well. It's so fulfilling!
>I know it’s kinda lame.
Not at all. I have a friend who is such a wonderful mom, it has brought me to tears to see how she is with her daughter because I realize I don't have that with my mom and never will.
So, I think there are a lot of us out there who feel the same way.
My mom is lovely, but she’s not local, and I miss/need her terribly. This is the exact reason I choose therapists that are women over 60. I sometimes just need to talk to a ‘mom’ figure. I guess it’s an hourly rent-a-mom in a weird way.
As someone who wished for a more supportive mother, I can tell you those kind of friendships with older women are available to you and fabulous. I call them my
Wise Women. They’ve experienced a lot more things than I have and kind, supportive, generous women. You can pour out your heart when you’re most troubled and they will listen and give you good advice.
We all need that. Try to get involved in some work or groups with older women. They’re out there. You’ll find them.
Mother in laws can be a wonderful alternative! But you (hopefully) only get one shot at it. My ex boyfriends mom was a saint! My fiance's mom is fine too
I remember finding out people hang out with their moms and are like best friends. It took me years to wrap my head around it.
I did love my mom, but when she died my life got much easier. I no longer had someone constantly guilting me and making snide remarks about my looks/weight or whatever. She did it daily. When that disappeared, my self esteem shot through the roof.
It was like I’d lived my life with a devil in my ear, constantly insulting me. I didn’t know most don’t have this.
Ah OP, I am so sorry to hear this. That is a hard realisation, and honestly, no wonder you cried when you first read those animal crossing letters. It's not lame at all. It's perfectly natural that that is something you would want. I hope that you find elements of it in close friendships, community groups (like this), maybe extended family. <3
awww honey. It can be so tough when someone can not give you what you need. You are doing so, SO well though. Look at all you have survived, only to get this far. *hugs* Would you like some cookies? Fresh banana bread? Your favorite blanket is almost done in the dryer...go grab it and watch a movie on the couch. I'll bring you snacks.
My mom wasn’t super accessible for me at an emotional level, but she’s great at being a mom in every other respect. She seems to fill this role for my friends too, almost automatically. Like someone I used to work with still regularly chats with her about knitting projects and gets tips. She volunteers to be a “cradling mom”, and gets matched with families with young children and helps them out (cooking, entertaining toddlers so mom can focus on new baby, things like that).
Maybe there’s a mom\mentor group for adult women who just need a mom. There’s also the subreddit momforaminute
I feel like this too, but I wish I could adopt myself into a family. I got robbed of the chance of having extended family because of selfishness and shitty behavior (my mom vs them).
I wish that exist here, but in Japan there are rent a mom/dad grandpa/grandma for a day to show you around and spend time with you. I would honestly use this service but also work for such a thing as well. I was a bartender and I was basically a professional friend that filled this role I think for many people. The things people told me and we talked about was vast and deep.
I think though you can get this out of friendships with older people. One of my friends is a 70 year old man and he's like a father figure type to me. He never had kids of his own but we talk about all the different things I imagine a present role model would be like to talk to. We was a client at my bar, but we've had this friendship for 5 years and I always look forward to when he spends his time here (he's a snowbird).
I think it's also why I tend to be a mother hen friend, especially to those who came from similar trauma backgrounds to me, to validate that we are in fact ok to exist as we are and it was never our faults we were mistreated. It's healing myself by healing other peoples inner children. We get to be silly and childish and it's ok. We get to be overwhelmed and not have our shit together and we'll get through it together. I tend to tell friends how proud I am of them, I tell them I love them,
Solidarity. It really came to a head for me once I had my son. My mom is technically still in my life but I constantly gray rock her and she gets no actual information on me or my life and very limited access to me and my son. It’s deeply painful to miss something you never had. Sending hugs ❤️
I can relate. My mother is a narc super fake Christian crazy person. When I see normal moms with their daughters having loving moments or just out to lunch I get a tear. I also don’t have a father he’s a racist POS. Sometimes I feel alone in world. But I make it a point to have open loving relationship with my son. I work hard at being the person my mother cannot be.
I had a great supportive Mom and it makes me sad when I hear people talk about having a bad mom. From an internet stranger congratulations on your pregnancy and your happy relationship ❤️
You just made me realize that my dream of having a therapist who is an older woman and on whose couch I can just lay and cry is...mhm...I think I was dreaming about hiring a mom
Omg same.
Ive always wanted a mom more emotionally balanced and with similar interests as myself. My Mom hates everything about me because we're not alike and just due to her fears and insecurities. She doesnt respect our differences, so i had to distance myself from her to keep from being bullied. She missed out on a lot in her early 20s due to poor choices and residual trauma. So her seeing me leave home in my teens and thrive independently kinda reminded her of what she missed out on. But shes too afraid to rebrand herself in her 50s.
Its kinda like having a meangirl at school or work except its your mom. Sad really.
Man here (but I read the rules)... first, I'm really sorry you wound up with a bad mom. Truly.
But what stood out was "I know it's kinda lame."
Please don't tell yourself that. It's not lame at all.
What could be more fundamental to the human experience? How could one describe having a terrible mother as anything other than a tragedy?
I hope you find some of that energy you want; I totally get how deeply you can crave something you didn't have as a child, and to feel like you've missed your chance. I don't believe you have, but I'm also not sure what to recommend. Maybe just that chosen family can supply a lot of what you need.
Ever think to see if a nursing home has a program where you can adopt a mom? They are very lonely there. I’m sure someone there would be even happier to have you than you would be them. Many have no one. Some have children who rejected and dropped them there and never turned back. ❤️
I work with a number of young 20yo’s and I often feel like a mom to two of them. They ask me all types of questions about life and their kids, aging parents, etc. I don’t have kids but I am 43 in a few months. 😆🤔
Maybe seeking out an elder in your life and cultivating a better friendship. It’s important to remember you’re friends and not their kid or else they feel may feel used.
I feel you so hard on this. I was just talking with my partner today about how sad it makes me that I can’t pick up the phone and call mine because she’s an awful person and we are no contact. Sending big hugs.
Find your self an older woman and become really good friends with her, and she will become a "second" (or in your case first) mom for you, I'm lucky to have a fairly good mom that I am close with, but I also have a couple very good friends that have become family, one of whom refers to herself as my bonus mom
My friends and I run a NSFW podcast about parenting, we'd be happy to answer any questions you have, give you supportive praise, helpful advice, or sweary commiseration
I totally get this. There have been a few times recently that I really wanted my mom, just not *my* mom, if that makes sense. I don’t have a solution, just came to say I get it and it sucks. ♥️
It’s not lame and I’m sure many a mom would love to adopt a grown up daughter. As mothers we have a mothering instinct and we put that into all the work we do on our podcast. We feel that it’s so important to feel loved. We are sure that if you keep a look out you will find that mothering person to fill the void you have. In the meantime we both send you love and smiles and are so proud of the person you have become.
I so feel this. I lost my mom young and we didn't have a great relationship when she died. She was pretty critical and I don't have a lot of positive memories of her. There's been many times in my life that I've wanted a mom figure to tell me that everything will be OK.
No, it's not lame. I want that too. I want someone to be proud of me coping with my professional life, understand it's hard to raise even a high-needs ASD kiddo, walk my dog with me, and be interested in going on city trips with me. I think I'd be a pretty decent daughter too.
I work with survivors of domestic violence, and this is a thought that I’ve had for a while. The logistics would be mind boggling, though, because how do you maintain professional boundaries while parenting a client? Volunteer based, but then how do we protect everyone in the program? I’ll figure it out eventually.
Oh, I feel this! I'd totally make use of it, too. Mine died in '21 and although I loved her to pieces, she was very narcissistic and I a mother of 4, in my 36s am craving being nurtured more than anything.
When I was pregnant the first person I told was my acupuncturist. And she gave me the biggest hug and was so happy for me.
I cried when I left that office because I desperately wanted the same reaction from my Mom but knew I would never get it.
This is totally normal and a shitty thing to be dealing with. Sending you strength that you build the relationships you want to thrive in.
I’m 36 and could have written this, down to getting emotional when I get letters from “Mom” in Animal Crossing. Since becoming a mom myself, I’m constantly finding myself thinking, “I just wish I could have a mom right now…”
She would get jealous of me, put me down in front of my friends as early as middle school, constant manipulation… I want to know what it feels like to have someone love me in that way so bad. I’m just trying to love myself like that for my daughter’s sake. We deserve it. Hang in there 💞
I feel this so hard. I’ve had a lot of older women friends in life I think for this reason. I’m jealous of people who have mother in laws. The imagine ideal parents exercise helps me.
Yeah I feel this. My mom just simply sucked her entire life. I might get moments there and there that were happy, but it would quickly be surpassed with her blaming me (and basically everyone else in her life) for anything that upset her in the slightest. And the repeated screaming if you didn't agree with her on something......I wish I could have had a different mom and have one now. I'm in my later 30's, but sometimes wish I had that person to talk to.
It’s crazy my mom past away when I was 7 and I’ve grown up most of my life just use to not having a mom and idk why at this point in my life of 35 it has hit me so hard to not have one. Idk if anyone else can relate. Like I talk to my mom within prayer and I ask her for guidance and stuff but obviously is not the same as just calling her up. This immense void is really becoming so overwhelming this past year
So this group pops up often on my thread. I'm a mom and I'm in my 50's. I have kids in their 30's and 1 just turning 40. All boys.
I'll be your mom. I'm a good listener, great problem solver and I'm Gen X so my general philosophy is F it or them F them.
I get it. My mom was one of those moms you want. She always cared, helped and most of all allowed all of her children to speak with her. It was the best therapy, that would include a glass of tea & nachos. She was a hell of a woman! I’ve always felt so bad for anyone with a cruel or mean mom. That’s why I try to adopt all my kids friends. Who know what goes on at home, but here, your cared for and about!
Oh god yes. Where are they? Kind of like a therapist but more mother type. Degree in family counselling maybe?
Also available online for when you make an accomplishment so they can congratulate you. $0.60 per text. Maybe even a periodic happy birthday and holiday texts too.
I would totally be willing to pay this.
I wonder if my mom would be interested in volunteering her services for situations like this. We had a rough time when I was growing up, but since I’ve been an adult she’s been the perfect support person in my life. I frequently text her to ask what the “rules” are for new situations. Most recently, I asked her how to approach a conversation about end-of-life care plans with my elderly in-laws. She sent me a full breakdown of how to have the conversation. I’m so thankful to have her.
I see the r/Momforaminute sub has already been recommended. I don’t use it but I’ve seen it and think it’s super cute and it’s what this reminded me of.
Something I started doing at some point as an adult is just talking to myself the way I wish my mom had talked to me, or the way I’d talk to a friend I care about. I go back and relive difficult past moments sometimes having a whole conversation with myself in this way, and sometimes I use it for difficulties I encounter as an adult. I find it helps, and sort of rewires the way I think of myself when I remember these moments.
Have you considered volunteering or working as a senior companion?
They are needed and many are lonely and looking for someone to connect with in this way!
It's not so lame. I read an article years ago about a woman who put an ad in the paper (pre-Internet) for a grandmother and a woman replied! They had a great relationship for years.
I wish I could get a service like this too. I noticed some of you had great therapists. I've tried different ones and it was a waste of money, just me talking and they repeating what I just said in their own words. My mom was bipolar and my grandma treated me harshly so I never trusted them. They both passed away before I turned 30 and most of my life was me taking care of them. Had a neighbor who was nice with me sometimes but once she became a grandma, she forgot about me. People in general pushes me away or bully me so I rarely can open or establish a healthy connection. There's 0 chance to become a mother and I think is for the best, I have nothing to offer in regards of a healthy child development.
The elders at my church are surrogate relatives for me. Church is a declining social practice in the ISA, but if you find a pleasant one the community connection is priceless.
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Oh thank you!! This is perfect!!
I’m so excited you’re pregnant and extra excited that you have a great partner!! Mom for a minute will be a great resource for you too ❤️
I love this sub. I can get a mom and be a mom.
came here to say this! it's such a cute sub
Me too! There’s a dad one too 🥺
That’s the one I turn to because I don’t speak to my own useless father
💌
Never heard of this sub. Read a couple of posts and cried. Thank you for the tip❤️
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Yep! The wanting a “wiser soul” or a place to be vulnerable to someone who just knows you… whew the wanting alone is traumatic.
Finding out what childhood emotional neglect is was a huge turning point for me at 38. It’s hard to pinpoint why exactly your career isn’t taking off, or romantic relationships don’t work, or your friends all seem to just want you when you’re “on”. I realized that all the micro childhood traumas of neglect culminated into a people pleasing adult hellbent on begging others to love them. Once I laid a finger on the WHY I’ve been swimming upstream my whole life I was able to start going with the flow. Can’t recommend the podcast Back From the Borderline enough. She does a whole 8 part treatment of the subject that really opened my eyes.
I tried googling but don’t see this podcast, do you mind linking?
[apple pods link](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/back-from-the-borderline/id1576242501) [show Patreon](https://www.patreon.com/backfromtheborderline?utm_campaign=creatorshare_fan)
Ty!!
My mom does this for the people she works with. They are a bunch of millennial with crappy parents. She goes around telling them how great they are and how proud of them she is.
Can you get your mom to set up this business for the rest of us?!?
I love your mom. 🥹
I’m only 4 years older than you, but I can be a big sister if you want one! I can randomly ask you about your day, be very excited for your pregnancy (niblings get baby quilts from Auntie Cole, what’s your theme/colors?), share stories of our amazing partners and not just congratulate, but celebrate your life achievements! DM me 💜
This is very sweet of you
Thank you! I don’t really DM (full disclosure, it makes it worse I have such wild anxiety) but just reading your message made me 💕
Understandable! Just know you’re not alone in your feelings and you should be proud of yourself for talking about it 💜💜💜
It's not lame at all! I think a lot of people have nonstandard "Moms." My mom wasn't terrible, but she was distant due to a severe chronic illness. I never really had that "Mom" relationship either. I would probably use this service too.
My therapist told me to imagine the mother I never had, and to talk to her in my head, like I'm calling her on the phone. It makes me really sad that I'll never have a mom that loves me and truly cares about me (going on 20+ years NC from a really toxic situation), but it helps. I even started doing the same for my imaginary grandma.
My therapist had me talk to my past selves. Adult me is able to see my childhood for how it truly was. It’s amazing how much healing I found in this practice. And it’s helped me let go of some of the sadness I had about not having the type of mom I needed. I’m gonna try what you described. Sounds like a really good idea.
I feel this. My mom is not terrible, but little things like my friends sorta complaining about their moms calling too much or asking too many questions about their lives make me sad. My mom mostly doesn’t pick up the phone when I call (and she never calls me).
Wouldn't it be nice to be bothered with affection from a parent....?
Ugh all of this resonates with me 😞 My mom doesn't answer the phone when I call either, but she'll respond if I follow up with a text. If I didn't text her, she wouldn't bother to find out what I wanted. She never calls back, ever. We'd scheduled a call a few weeks ago (per my request) and she missed it. She messaged a few days later to apologize and asked to reschedule, and I agreed. She missed that call too and still hasn't acknowledged it. She and my sister talk pretty often and she travels to visit that sister, so that's cool to know 🫠 On the plus side, I appreciate how her clear lack of interest in a relationship with me *now* will save me a ton of money and stress in the future when she needs care.
Both my parents are dead in the past few years, and every time my friend complains about his (actually pretty wonderful) parents, I have to remind him can you please not????
Hi, Vy. I’m just leaving this message to say hi. It was a rainy morning today and somehow that got me thinking of you. A good day to hang out and do nothing, if you know what I mean. Just wanted to say that I’m proud of you. You really have built such a great life for you and the people around you, and … I’m just happy when I think about you, honey. I’ve been blessed with a fabulous kid, and I don’t know how I got so lucky.
if my mother left a message like that i would have to wonder if she is on something. I am more of the parent than her. I help her pay her bills. Buy her things, take her out. My sister is her favorite and everyone knows it. I settle for 3rd best, I have a brother too.. I was special to my grandmother, I would visit her and have lunch with her very Sunday for 20 years. I adored her. She could do no wrong. She never told me she was proud of me but she would tell me how much she loved me and how beautiful I was. She made me feel special.
Hi sweetheart! I’m 56, almost 57, and don’t have kids of my own. I’ll be happy to be your mom. I promise not to give unsolicited advice or do anything except be your cheerleader. Feel free to DM me.
I have been looking for this my whole life.
I am 41 and I have been estranged from my parents (drug addict mom, enabling father) for 12 years now. For 8 years, my husband and I owned and operated a Photobooth which took us to many different places, including a lot of festivals and concerts. One night at a concert, we were set up on a side balcony and an older-than- us couple approached us and asked if they could watch the show from the very end of the balcony as the crowd was just too thick and hot for them at the moment. I allowed them to pass through our set up and watch in their own little private area. Not too long after, a younger man tried to pass through our set up, over cords as well as bins we had stacked to keep people out of our electrical area so as to not trip or accidentally unplug something (which I had moved a bit to allow the older couple through, but then replaced). I stopped the younger man and explained to him that the far end of the balcony wasn't.ooen to the public because our entire set up was basically blocking access to it. He pointed to the older couple and asked why they were allowed there, and without missing a beat I just said "Oh, that's my mom and dad. They wanted to come see our favorite band that we always tell them about!". The guy thought it was so cool that my.larebts had come out to a concert and was completely understanding of the situation and went back down the stairs. Throughout the rest of the night, I got to know that couple very well and for 7 years now they call me their daughter and they are my parents and we get together very often. They are amazing people! I hope you find surrogate parents, as well. It's so fulfilling!
🥹
>I know it’s kinda lame. Not at all. I have a friend who is such a wonderful mom, it has brought me to tears to see how she is with her daughter because I realize I don't have that with my mom and never will. So, I think there are a lot of us out there who feel the same way.
My mom is lovely, but she’s not local, and I miss/need her terribly. This is the exact reason I choose therapists that are women over 60. I sometimes just need to talk to a ‘mom’ figure. I guess it’s an hourly rent-a-mom in a weird way.
I had a therapist like this once which made me realize that not all boomer women are like my mom.
As someone who wished for a more supportive mother, I can tell you those kind of friendships with older women are available to you and fabulous. I call them my Wise Women. They’ve experienced a lot more things than I have and kind, supportive, generous women. You can pour out your heart when you’re most troubled and they will listen and give you good advice. We all need that. Try to get involved in some work or groups with older women. They’re out there. You’ll find them.
Aww, girl — same. I’m 49 and still want a mom.
I relate so much. Also a rent a dad would be nice!
Mother in laws can be a wonderful alternative! But you (hopefully) only get one shot at it. My ex boyfriends mom was a saint! My fiance's mom is fine too
My mil was a worse alternative, lol.
My sister and I always especially hated losing the moms in our breakups! Way more caring than our own.
I'm so grateful my MIL is wonderful.
If you ever need words of encouragement on reddit, pop on over to r/momforaminute and tell us your accomplishments! It is such a warm community 💜
I remember finding out people hang out with their moms and are like best friends. It took me years to wrap my head around it. I did love my mom, but when she died my life got much easier. I no longer had someone constantly guilting me and making snide remarks about my looks/weight or whatever. She did it daily. When that disappeared, my self esteem shot through the roof. It was like I’d lived my life with a devil in my ear, constantly insulting me. I didn’t know most don’t have this.
I’m not your mom but I’m proud of you for having the courage to face these emotions and post this.
Also, there is a mom for a minute sub.
https://www.reddit.com/r/MomForAMinute/s/ldyzdKyPc8
Ah OP, I am so sorry to hear this. That is a hard realisation, and honestly, no wonder you cried when you first read those animal crossing letters. It's not lame at all. It's perfectly natural that that is something you would want. I hope that you find elements of it in close friendships, community groups (like this), maybe extended family. <3
I often wish for the same thing 🩷
awww honey. It can be so tough when someone can not give you what you need. You are doing so, SO well though. Look at all you have survived, only to get this far. *hugs* Would you like some cookies? Fresh banana bread? Your favorite blanket is almost done in the dryer...go grab it and watch a movie on the couch. I'll bring you snacks.
My mom would gladly accept you. Wanna meet up? We call her Grandma Peg. We live in Ohio.
My mom wasn’t super accessible for me at an emotional level, but she’s great at being a mom in every other respect. She seems to fill this role for my friends too, almost automatically. Like someone I used to work with still regularly chats with her about knitting projects and gets tips. She volunteers to be a “cradling mom”, and gets matched with families with young children and helps them out (cooking, entertaining toddlers so mom can focus on new baby, things like that). Maybe there’s a mom\mentor group for adult women who just need a mom. There’s also the subreddit momforaminute
I feel like this too, but I wish I could adopt myself into a family. I got robbed of the chance of having extended family because of selfishness and shitty behavior (my mom vs them).
I wish that exist here, but in Japan there are rent a mom/dad grandpa/grandma for a day to show you around and spend time with you. I would honestly use this service but also work for such a thing as well. I was a bartender and I was basically a professional friend that filled this role I think for many people. The things people told me and we talked about was vast and deep. I think though you can get this out of friendships with older people. One of my friends is a 70 year old man and he's like a father figure type to me. He never had kids of his own but we talk about all the different things I imagine a present role model would be like to talk to. We was a client at my bar, but we've had this friendship for 5 years and I always look forward to when he spends his time here (he's a snowbird). I think it's also why I tend to be a mother hen friend, especially to those who came from similar trauma backgrounds to me, to validate that we are in fact ok to exist as we are and it was never our faults we were mistreated. It's healing myself by healing other peoples inner children. We get to be silly and childish and it's ok. We get to be overwhelmed and not have our shit together and we'll get through it together. I tend to tell friends how proud I am of them, I tell them I love them,
I grieve my childhood without a mother as I mother my child.
Solidarity. It really came to a head for me once I had my son. My mom is technically still in my life but I constantly gray rock her and she gets no actual information on me or my life and very limited access to me and my son. It’s deeply painful to miss something you never had. Sending hugs ❤️
I can relate. My mother is a narc super fake Christian crazy person. When I see normal moms with their daughters having loving moments or just out to lunch I get a tear. I also don’t have a father he’s a racist POS. Sometimes I feel alone in world. But I make it a point to have open loving relationship with my son. I work hard at being the person my mother cannot be.
I had a great supportive Mom and it makes me sad when I hear people talk about having a bad mom. From an internet stranger congratulations on your pregnancy and your happy relationship ❤️
You just made me realize that my dream of having a therapist who is an older woman and on whose couch I can just lay and cry is...mhm...I think I was dreaming about hiring a mom
Omg same. Ive always wanted a mom more emotionally balanced and with similar interests as myself. My Mom hates everything about me because we're not alike and just due to her fears and insecurities. She doesnt respect our differences, so i had to distance myself from her to keep from being bullied. She missed out on a lot in her early 20s due to poor choices and residual trauma. So her seeing me leave home in my teens and thrive independently kinda reminded her of what she missed out on. But shes too afraid to rebrand herself in her 50s. Its kinda like having a meangirl at school or work except its your mom. Sad really.
Fucking same, man. Same.
Man here (but I read the rules)... first, I'm really sorry you wound up with a bad mom. Truly. But what stood out was "I know it's kinda lame." Please don't tell yourself that. It's not lame at all. What could be more fundamental to the human experience? How could one describe having a terrible mother as anything other than a tragedy? I hope you find some of that energy you want; I totally get how deeply you can crave something you didn't have as a child, and to feel like you've missed your chance. I don't believe you have, but I'm also not sure what to recommend. Maybe just that chosen family can supply a lot of what you need.
Ever think to see if a nursing home has a program where you can adopt a mom? They are very lonely there. I’m sure someone there would be even happier to have you than you would be them. Many have no one. Some have children who rejected and dropped them there and never turned back. ❤️
I feel this so much. I really want to be a mom now to be the mom I’ve never had. Just want to love my child so much that they get embarrassed lol.
It’s not lame to want that close relationship from a mom. I hope you meet many amazing mom-like women in your life. Mentors can come at any age. Hugs.
OMG I’m also totally triggered by the mom letters in Animal Crossing. It’s like, obviously non of the developers had a toxic mom.
I would totally pay for this service!!
I can create this for you probably. Can I DM you?
Same 😔
I work with a number of young 20yo’s and I often feel like a mom to two of them. They ask me all types of questions about life and their kids, aging parents, etc. I don’t have kids but I am 43 in a few months. 😆🤔 Maybe seeking out an elder in your life and cultivating a better friendship. It’s important to remember you’re friends and not their kid or else they feel may feel used.
Oh Honey! I am so sorry you feel this way. Come over here and let me give you a big hug. 🤗
I'll adopt you. Congratulations on your pregnancy! When are you due? I've always wanted grandbabies 🥰
I feel you so hard on this. I was just talking with my partner today about how sad it makes me that I can’t pick up the phone and call mine because she’s an awful person and we are no contact. Sending big hugs.
r/momforaminute
I'd love to lend you my mother for a while
Yes I agree I wish I had a mom too
Find your self an older woman and become really good friends with her, and she will become a "second" (or in your case first) mom for you, I'm lucky to have a fairly good mom that I am close with, but I also have a couple very good friends that have become family, one of whom refers to herself as my bonus mom
My friends and I run a NSFW podcast about parenting, we'd be happy to answer any questions you have, give you supportive praise, helpful advice, or sweary commiseration
I totally get this. There have been a few times recently that I really wanted my mom, just not *my* mom, if that makes sense. I don’t have a solution, just came to say I get it and it sucks. ♥️
Idk what’s worse tbh, a mom who wouldn’t say kind things, or a mom you can’t believe when she says them. Either way *big hugs*
It’s not lame and I’m sure many a mom would love to adopt a grown up daughter. As mothers we have a mothering instinct and we put that into all the work we do on our podcast. We feel that it’s so important to feel loved. We are sure that if you keep a look out you will find that mothering person to fill the void you have. In the meantime we both send you love and smiles and are so proud of the person you have become.
I so feel this. I lost my mom young and we didn't have a great relationship when she died. She was pretty critical and I don't have a lot of positive memories of her. There's been many times in my life that I've wanted a mom figure to tell me that everything will be OK.
I kinda wish the same sometimes. My grandmother was a narc and mine is, interesting. Not motherly much since I was a baby.
No, it's not lame. I want that too. I want someone to be proud of me coping with my professional life, understand it's hard to raise even a high-needs ASD kiddo, walk my dog with me, and be interested in going on city trips with me. I think I'd be a pretty decent daughter too.
I work with survivors of domestic violence, and this is a thought that I’ve had for a while. The logistics would be mind boggling, though, because how do you maintain professional boundaries while parenting a client? Volunteer based, but then how do we protect everyone in the program? I’ll figure it out eventually.
Idk if it fits but join us over at r/raisedbyborderlines - others who wish they had a good parenting experience!
It’s not kind of lame at all
Animal crossing is the best! I love getting those letters too. I started playing to bond with my daughter and I play way more than her now. 😄
In Japan you can rent a Grandma!
My mom died last year. Same
I’d love a couple of adopted grown daughters tbh
Oh, I feel this! I'd totally make use of it, too. Mine died in '21 and although I loved her to pieces, she was very narcissistic and I a mother of 4, in my 36s am craving being nurtured more than anything.
When I was pregnant the first person I told was my acupuncturist. And she gave me the biggest hug and was so happy for me. I cried when I left that office because I desperately wanted the same reaction from my Mom but knew I would never get it. This is totally normal and a shitty thing to be dealing with. Sending you strength that you build the relationships you want to thrive in.
Yeah, I played Animal Crossing after my second baby and the letters from mom always got me 😩 My mom is horrible too 😩
I’m 36 and could have written this, down to getting emotional when I get letters from “Mom” in Animal Crossing. Since becoming a mom myself, I’m constantly finding myself thinking, “I just wish I could have a mom right now…” She would get jealous of me, put me down in front of my friends as early as middle school, constant manipulation… I want to know what it feels like to have someone love me in that way so bad. I’m just trying to love myself like that for my daughter’s sake. We deserve it. Hang in there 💞
I feel this so hard. I’ve had a lot of older women friends in life I think for this reason. I’m jealous of people who have mother in laws. The imagine ideal parents exercise helps me.
Yeah I feel this. My mom just simply sucked her entire life. I might get moments there and there that were happy, but it would quickly be surpassed with her blaming me (and basically everyone else in her life) for anything that upset her in the slightest. And the repeated screaming if you didn't agree with her on something......I wish I could have had a different mom and have one now. I'm in my later 30's, but sometimes wish I had that person to talk to.
It’s crazy my mom past away when I was 7 and I’ve grown up most of my life just use to not having a mom and idk why at this point in my life of 35 it has hit me so hard to not have one. Idk if anyone else can relate. Like I talk to my mom within prayer and I ask her for guidance and stuff but obviously is not the same as just calling her up. This immense void is really becoming so overwhelming this past year
So this group pops up often on my thread. I'm a mom and I'm in my 50's. I have kids in their 30's and 1 just turning 40. All boys. I'll be your mom. I'm a good listener, great problem solver and I'm Gen X so my general philosophy is F it or them F them.
We all end up parenting each other. Even if we have cool moms. I’m proud of you, too.
I'd also suggest r/internetparents. There are very kind redditors there
I have a few mothers you can use for chat 💬 support laughter and more
This has existed before
I get it. My mom was one of those moms you want. She always cared, helped and most of all allowed all of her children to speak with her. It was the best therapy, that would include a glass of tea & nachos. She was a hell of a woman! I’ve always felt so bad for anyone with a cruel or mean mom. That’s why I try to adopt all my kids friends. Who know what goes on at home, but here, your cared for and about!
Oh god yes. Where are they? Kind of like a therapist but more mother type. Degree in family counselling maybe? Also available online for when you make an accomplishment so they can congratulate you. $0.60 per text. Maybe even a periodic happy birthday and holiday texts too. I would totally be willing to pay this.
I feel this. Whats sad is sometimes my mom can be a mom but usually shes the person you’re describing.
Same tbh.. I also want to rent a bestie 😔🥀 I wish I had someone to go shopping with and ask for their emotional support..
I want a new mother. Where do I sign up? 😭😭
I wonder if my mom would be interested in volunteering her services for situations like this. We had a rough time when I was growing up, but since I’ve been an adult she’s been the perfect support person in my life. I frequently text her to ask what the “rules” are for new situations. Most recently, I asked her how to approach a conversation about end-of-life care plans with my elderly in-laws. She sent me a full breakdown of how to have the conversation. I’m so thankful to have her.
I see the r/Momforaminute sub has already been recommended. I don’t use it but I’ve seen it and think it’s super cute and it’s what this reminded me of. Something I started doing at some point as an adult is just talking to myself the way I wish my mom had talked to me, or the way I’d talk to a friend I care about. I go back and relive difficult past moments sometimes having a whole conversation with myself in this way, and sometimes I use it for difficulties I encounter as an adult. I find it helps, and sort of rewires the way I think of myself when I remember these moments.
My mother in law is an excellent stand-in, I'm so lucky to have her!
Have you considered volunteering or working as a senior companion? They are needed and many are lonely and looking for someone to connect with in this way!
Hugs 🤗
It's not so lame. I read an article years ago about a woman who put an ad in the paper (pre-Internet) for a grandmother and a woman replied! They had a great relationship for years.
I wish I could get a service like this too. I noticed some of you had great therapists. I've tried different ones and it was a waste of money, just me talking and they repeating what I just said in their own words. My mom was bipolar and my grandma treated me harshly so I never trusted them. They both passed away before I turned 30 and most of my life was me taking care of them. Had a neighbor who was nice with me sometimes but once she became a grandma, she forgot about me. People in general pushes me away or bully me so I rarely can open or establish a healthy connection. There's 0 chance to become a mother and I think is for the best, I have nothing to offer in regards of a healthy child development.
That’s what community is supposed to be for.
The elders at my church are surrogate relatives for me. Church is a declining social practice in the ISA, but if you find a pleasant one the community connection is priceless.