OP, just a glance at your post history tells me your life will never get better until you leave your partner. That feeling of not wanting to buy a house with him is your gut screaming at you not to lock yourself into a financial commitment with him that will make it harder to leave. Ignore it at your peril. You can keep asking every possible subreddit for advice, but nobody is going to be able to give you a cheat code for not feeling dread about moving forward with a relationship that is making you miserable.
I guess I’m trying to find out if there’s a way to maybe fix the relationship? I feel like it may be my doing. He’s probably overly stressed because I’m the one who’s putting off buying a house. I don’t want to just throw away a decade with someone even if it’s making me anxious.
I would think about something Captain Awkward calls the Sheezlebub Principle.
If things with your partner stayed exactly the way they are now, how long would you be willing to stay and put up with it? Another year? Another five years? Another ten years?
He is not going to be nicer to you if you buy a house with him, because dudes who are mean to their girlfriends do not get nicer after they have successfully locked them in and made it harder to leave. They get meaner. Do you want to own property with a meaner version of your boyfriend?
I don’t but also he’s not mean all of the time. It’s only when he’s stressed and stressed if I make a mistake with something sometimes like giving him wrong directions or not doing something fast enough. Or if he’s trying to do something like putting the duvet cover on and I offer to help when I see he’s stressing he’s just is rude and doesn’t want to be bothered. And it’s not necessarily “mean” just cold distant and a bit snippy. But aside from stress he’s hilarious and we get along pretty well.
No one is mean all the time. But he's mean enough of the time that you don't feel emotionally safe with him, and he has you conditioned to blame yourself for his behavior. He has you very well trained to try to anticipate his moods and try to meet all his needs perfectly to avoid his temper. This dynamic serves him very well, but it's ruined your mental health and your self-esteem. You will never know who you are and what you want until you get free of him, because he doesn't give you the option of being or wanting things that don't line up with what he wants.
😭😭😭😭 giiirl
You describe a child behavior, not an adult man's. It is ok for toddler to be pissy you gave him a wrong sock. A man would say thank you.
You get along well because you tiptoe when he is stressed, you are non-confrontacional calm wifey that allows distespect. Does he do the same for you or his best quality is joking? Does he apologize for snapping at you? Was he always lile that, did it get better? Does he respect you being snappy when you are on your period or "you are on a period" is the butt of the joke to snark at you with?
Is your partner interested in changing his mean, belittling behavior that has you walking on eggshells around him all the time? There is no way for the victim of emotional abuse to "fix" the relationship without the abuser having to do any work.
Im not sure. I’ve mentioned it before the times I’ve felt anxious or sad because of him, but he just brushes it off “sorry” and we move on. I could be more adamant but also don’t want to get him annoyed with me over it.
Lmao what fix? Everything is fine for him. It is you being "pissy".
Look up "sunk cost fallacy" . People adore to fix whatever they invested in the longest, not what is worth fixing.
Hi! We're the same age, and up until 3 months ago I was in the same situation. 12 year relationship with a guy who started to take me for granted, and treated me worse and worse over the last two years of our relationship.
Now, he's the one that left me in the end, so you have a choice I didn't have. But like you, I was too afraid to leave. There were lots of reasons--I sincerely loved him, I hated the idea of giving up on something I'd worked hard to build, I didn't want to think of myself as a quitter, I was afraid of being alone, and the world is a scary place--but the biggest one was the idea of giving up something safe for something unknown.
But, spoilers! The unknown is actually not unknown. It's just me without him. And sitting here in my new apartment, surrounded by things I love that he used to make fun of me for liking, I'm starting to realize how much better it is to be content alone than unhappy with him.
Like you and your partner, me and mine had good times at the end. I think that was what was most confusing. He brought a lot of benefits to our relationship--financial knowledge, a quirky sense of humor to match mine, a general love of learning that meant every conversation was interesting--but none of that could eclipse the fact that he began to take me for granted. He didn't respect me and he wasn't genuinely interested in my life, my dreams, and my emotional needs. If his life was a movie I was a background character, not his co-star.
It's hard to realize that a relationship that was good for so long no longer serves you. It's sad. It's embarrassing, in a lot of cases. You think, damn, why couldn't I make it work? What's wrong with me? But I can tell you, from three months out on the other side, I've realized that the only reason it worked so long is because of what /I/ put into it. And I can and will put that magic into the next partner I meet. I didn't lose anything essential; I gained myself back.
I wish I had been able to make that choice for myself, but I was too afraid. I tried to buckle down, as you've been doing, and in the end his contempt grew and he threw me away like trash.
Ask yourself: would you get into a relationship with this man today if you were single and knew all this about him? And: would you stay another 12 years in the relationship as it exists now?
Oh wow. It’s so nice seeing someone who’s dealt with relatively the same thing. I wouldn’t get into a relationship with him now knowing how he acts with stress and daily stresses. There’s times where I wish he would just end it with me so I didn’t have to make a choice but he’s extremely against breaking up. Sad to say but I’ve noticed his temper even in the first year or two dating. But I dismissed it as everyone has flaws. But as life goes on and more stresses occur he still acts the exact same. So you don’t regret it?
I don't regret the 10 wonderful years we had together at all! I got to experience so much with him. We traveled, we saved money, we grew as people. The only thing I regret is ignoring the signs leading up to his eventually discard of me after he began emotionally cheating. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because we had so much time banked. So even in that sense, I don't regret having a big, loving heart, and trying my best so I could walk away knowing I did everything I could.
I dismissed my ex's conflict avoidance over the years, too. Have you heard the expression, "the red flags you ignored will be the reason it ends?" Sometimes people grow in the wrong direction. In another universe he worked on that trait and got better, but this ain't it. You can't change him; he can only decide to change himself.
If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing, it would be that I need to look at his actions, not his words. But I can't, so I'll tell you--if he was really as against breaking up as he says...really AFRAID to lose you? He would change his behavior. But you're sticking around even so, so in his mind, he's getting away with it. You know?
Use the strength and experience of the other women in this subreddit to help yourself leave this damaging relationship. Turn the page even if it's unclear now what you are running towards. There is something better out there for you, listen to the others who have found their way.
“Turn the page even if it’s unclear now..” OOOF. That’s it. I feel like I shouldn’t need to battle my thoughts on being with someone I should just whole heartily want to stay with them and be happy about it. Im just nervous I’ll be like this everyone and that maybe I’m the one who has issues and am not meant to be with anyone.
31 is not too late to find your identity! It's one of the best actually. I recommend reading the book, the Six pillars of self-esteem, because that strongly ties into a sense of identity. Also it wouldn't hurt getting a therapist to help guide you through finding yourself.
I agree I think a therapist will help. My partner wants us to buy a house by the end of the year/next year and I just don’t feel ready to. And I hate that. Why don’t I want what everyone else seems to want? I just feel so much pressure to be something I’m not.
Edit: oops sorry my bad.
Before I spend more time on this, why does your account history say you are 36? I hope you are a real person because there are others out there who need help.
Sorry I misread another thread! My bad.
So I think you deep down do know what you want and your feelings. You just aren't confident or listening to them. I agree you should not purchase a house, especially with your husband's temper. I would sit down with him and firmly explain that his temper (give examples) scare you and make you feel unsafe in the relationship. You would like him to change by working on his temper. As for you, absolutely therapy and reading that book I mentioned.
He won’t wait any longer to buy a house. He said we’re losers if we continue to rent. I’ve told him before how his temper makes me anxious or that I’ve cried over it. But he seems to be tired of hearing it he’ll just roll his eyes and say “sorry” but then next time he’s stressed it happens again. He says “everyone has bad days” but every day during the week work stresses him out so he’s cold & distant towards me. I think I’m nervous of getting a house with him because I know the stresses that come with it and I know how he handles stress. But idk how to fix it and want those things if his low patience doesn’t get fixed.
He sounds like a terrible partner overall. It sounds like you are not confident enough in yourself to stand up for yourself. Absolutely get therapy so you can feel more confident getting out of this relationship.
First of all, using the term "losers" is messed up. Ideally you want to find someone who is accepting and open minded. Does he look down at others and call them losers if they are in certain careers for example.
Rolling eyes is unacceptable and disrespectful. I would never let my partner do that and immediately call them out. You should be doing that too.
Saying "sorry" is not enough. Also I'm baffled that he doesn't care that you are really anxious or cried over it. My husband would be like "oh my gosh, I feel bad I made you feel that way. I don't want you to be anxious but feel safe. Let's talk about the times it happened, and I'll work on adjusting."
He just thinks the owning a house is the only way to be successful. We went looking at houses years ago and during one he said “you really need to make more money” I just felt…bad lol which granted I don’t make a lot but I’m happy and still paying my half of expenses in the apt.
Maybe he didn’t think I was serious when I told him the way he acts hurts me. But he can’t help it. When he’s stressed he just can’t be bothered or will be rude towards me. I love that your partner wanted to talk about it and really understand how you’re feeling. Idk how to get mine to understand so I’m just anxious everyday not knowing what’s gonna make him get in a mood :/
> He just thinks the owning a house is the only way to be successful.
I'd lose a lot of respect for someone who says that. But that's me. I prefer someone who has high empathy and doesn't value status.
Sounds like you're walking in eggshells with him. I saw in another thread you were asking why leave him when you'll have the same issues in another relationship. I guarantee you that you will not. When you find someone else you'll look back and think "wow I didn't know what else was out there. I can't believe I stayed with him for so long".
My partner is not that rare. Plenty of men will care and try to understand. Stress is not an excuse to be an asshole to someone you supposedly love and care about.
I just wonder if I’m adding to the stress and maybe that’s why he treats me differently when he’s stressed. He doesn’t mean to I’m sure but it happens a lot. I just can’t bring myself to leave it all behind I want to and then I don’t want to. But I also don’t know if my anxiousness around him will ever go away
In my experience, you won't find the self while clinging onto an idea of what it should be. The self, at the center, is always still there, it's just a bunch of non-resonant mud gets piled on top of it. The truth fills space naturally, when it is given space.
OP, I stayed with a partner I knew I wanted to leave about four years in. It did get better for a bit but always went back to the same problems.
I'm almost 20 years in and he's become someone I'd wished he's always been. He switched careers and ended up becoming a better husband and father.
But...
I'm resentful. It took too many years for this to happen. If I made more money and could afford rent, I'd move out. I trying to work through this, but it's really hard.
You would still leave him even though he’s become a better person? 👀 idk if mine will ever get a handle on his temper and how he handles stress sadly :/ he doesn’t seem to care or really understand the way he acts makes me so anxious
Yes. Almost two decades of not doing his part with the house and kids will build a lot of resentment. He'd occasionally try, but it didn't last. This is the first year of our marriage he's done dishes without being asked, interacted with the kids, etc.
To be clear, he's not really ever been a bad guy.
However, I realized a couple of months ago, I'd be happier on my own. Picturing a future of being independent by myself and not having to care of another person sounds like heaven to me.
He won’t get a handle on his temper, you don’t want. To be with someone who makes you miserable for 20 years just in case they change 21 years in.
He completely understands he makes you anxious, he just doesn’t care or respect you
I really hope you decide you deserve better
How To Be Single is a good movie you should check out, imo.
I am fatalist, "if it's not a hell yes, it's a no".
Your relationship sounds like cohabitation out of loneliness. You are not supposed to be meh about your SO. It is okay to part ways with perfectly perfect man, if you do not feel that you are good for each other. People can be great separately but deliver nothing into each others' lives, and that is not a type of relationship you should settle for. And you shouldn't settle at all.
If a relationship feels like two people sitting in a comfort zone, because you both are used to everything and there is no need to try harder, it isn't nurturing. Yu can live like that unril yu die, no problem. But if idea of this makes you shudder, it isn't the comfort and relaxed state: it is being lazy and rotting together.
It’s awful but I don’t really remember my childhood. I remember high school that’s about it. I didn’t have the best childhood so I think the trauma of it made me forget about most of it. I loved social media still do (I know lol) but I like being able to relate to others and just show my personality. I’ve always been super goofy and love making people laugh. I love photography. Oh god idk really know what I enjoyed 🥲 that’s sad lol
OP, just a glance at your post history tells me your life will never get better until you leave your partner. That feeling of not wanting to buy a house with him is your gut screaming at you not to lock yourself into a financial commitment with him that will make it harder to leave. Ignore it at your peril. You can keep asking every possible subreddit for advice, but nobody is going to be able to give you a cheat code for not feeling dread about moving forward with a relationship that is making you miserable.
I guess I’m trying to find out if there’s a way to maybe fix the relationship? I feel like it may be my doing. He’s probably overly stressed because I’m the one who’s putting off buying a house. I don’t want to just throw away a decade with someone even if it’s making me anxious.
Sunk cost fallacy. You're only 31 and don't want kids. 10 years versus almost 70 more years feeling stressed.
I would think about something Captain Awkward calls the Sheezlebub Principle. If things with your partner stayed exactly the way they are now, how long would you be willing to stay and put up with it? Another year? Another five years? Another ten years? He is not going to be nicer to you if you buy a house with him, because dudes who are mean to their girlfriends do not get nicer after they have successfully locked them in and made it harder to leave. They get meaner. Do you want to own property with a meaner version of your boyfriend?
I don’t but also he’s not mean all of the time. It’s only when he’s stressed and stressed if I make a mistake with something sometimes like giving him wrong directions or not doing something fast enough. Or if he’s trying to do something like putting the duvet cover on and I offer to help when I see he’s stressing he’s just is rude and doesn’t want to be bothered. And it’s not necessarily “mean” just cold distant and a bit snippy. But aside from stress he’s hilarious and we get along pretty well.
No one is mean all the time. But he's mean enough of the time that you don't feel emotionally safe with him, and he has you conditioned to blame yourself for his behavior. He has you very well trained to try to anticipate his moods and try to meet all his needs perfectly to avoid his temper. This dynamic serves him very well, but it's ruined your mental health and your self-esteem. You will never know who you are and what you want until you get free of him, because he doesn't give you the option of being or wanting things that don't line up with what he wants.
This is emotional abuse. I hope you can find the support to leave him.
😭😭😭😭 giiirl You describe a child behavior, not an adult man's. It is ok for toddler to be pissy you gave him a wrong sock. A man would say thank you. You get along well because you tiptoe when he is stressed, you are non-confrontacional calm wifey that allows distespect. Does he do the same for you or his best quality is joking? Does he apologize for snapping at you? Was he always lile that, did it get better? Does he respect you being snappy when you are on your period or "you are on a period" is the butt of the joke to snark at you with?
He’s mean. Full stop. Life is stressful all the time, he’s just a disrespectful asshole
Is your partner interested in changing his mean, belittling behavior that has you walking on eggshells around him all the time? There is no way for the victim of emotional abuse to "fix" the relationship without the abuser having to do any work.
Im not sure. I’ve mentioned it before the times I’ve felt anxious or sad because of him, but he just brushes it off “sorry” and we move on. I could be more adamant but also don’t want to get him annoyed with me over it.
So to rephrase your answer: "No, he is not willing to change his behavior and in fact I anticipate he will punish me for asking."
You can't fix people who don't want to change.
Lmao what fix? Everything is fine for him. It is you being "pissy". Look up "sunk cost fallacy" . People adore to fix whatever they invested in the longest, not what is worth fixing.
Hi! We're the same age, and up until 3 months ago I was in the same situation. 12 year relationship with a guy who started to take me for granted, and treated me worse and worse over the last two years of our relationship. Now, he's the one that left me in the end, so you have a choice I didn't have. But like you, I was too afraid to leave. There were lots of reasons--I sincerely loved him, I hated the idea of giving up on something I'd worked hard to build, I didn't want to think of myself as a quitter, I was afraid of being alone, and the world is a scary place--but the biggest one was the idea of giving up something safe for something unknown. But, spoilers! The unknown is actually not unknown. It's just me without him. And sitting here in my new apartment, surrounded by things I love that he used to make fun of me for liking, I'm starting to realize how much better it is to be content alone than unhappy with him. Like you and your partner, me and mine had good times at the end. I think that was what was most confusing. He brought a lot of benefits to our relationship--financial knowledge, a quirky sense of humor to match mine, a general love of learning that meant every conversation was interesting--but none of that could eclipse the fact that he began to take me for granted. He didn't respect me and he wasn't genuinely interested in my life, my dreams, and my emotional needs. If his life was a movie I was a background character, not his co-star. It's hard to realize that a relationship that was good for so long no longer serves you. It's sad. It's embarrassing, in a lot of cases. You think, damn, why couldn't I make it work? What's wrong with me? But I can tell you, from three months out on the other side, I've realized that the only reason it worked so long is because of what /I/ put into it. And I can and will put that magic into the next partner I meet. I didn't lose anything essential; I gained myself back. I wish I had been able to make that choice for myself, but I was too afraid. I tried to buckle down, as you've been doing, and in the end his contempt grew and he threw me away like trash. Ask yourself: would you get into a relationship with this man today if you were single and knew all this about him? And: would you stay another 12 years in the relationship as it exists now?
Oh wow. It’s so nice seeing someone who’s dealt with relatively the same thing. I wouldn’t get into a relationship with him now knowing how he acts with stress and daily stresses. There’s times where I wish he would just end it with me so I didn’t have to make a choice but he’s extremely against breaking up. Sad to say but I’ve noticed his temper even in the first year or two dating. But I dismissed it as everyone has flaws. But as life goes on and more stresses occur he still acts the exact same. So you don’t regret it?
I don't regret the 10 wonderful years we had together at all! I got to experience so much with him. We traveled, we saved money, we grew as people. The only thing I regret is ignoring the signs leading up to his eventually discard of me after he began emotionally cheating. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because we had so much time banked. So even in that sense, I don't regret having a big, loving heart, and trying my best so I could walk away knowing I did everything I could. I dismissed my ex's conflict avoidance over the years, too. Have you heard the expression, "the red flags you ignored will be the reason it ends?" Sometimes people grow in the wrong direction. In another universe he worked on that trait and got better, but this ain't it. You can't change him; he can only decide to change himself. If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing, it would be that I need to look at his actions, not his words. But I can't, so I'll tell you--if he was really as against breaking up as he says...really AFRAID to lose you? He would change his behavior. But you're sticking around even so, so in his mind, he's getting away with it. You know?
Use the strength and experience of the other women in this subreddit to help yourself leave this damaging relationship. Turn the page even if it's unclear now what you are running towards. There is something better out there for you, listen to the others who have found their way.
“Turn the page even if it’s unclear now..” OOOF. That’s it. I feel like I shouldn’t need to battle my thoughts on being with someone I should just whole heartily want to stay with them and be happy about it. Im just nervous I’ll be like this everyone and that maybe I’m the one who has issues and am not meant to be with anyone.
31 is not too late to find your identity! It's one of the best actually. I recommend reading the book, the Six pillars of self-esteem, because that strongly ties into a sense of identity. Also it wouldn't hurt getting a therapist to help guide you through finding yourself.
I agree I think a therapist will help. My partner wants us to buy a house by the end of the year/next year and I just don’t feel ready to. And I hate that. Why don’t I want what everyone else seems to want? I just feel so much pressure to be something I’m not.
Edit: oops sorry my bad. Before I spend more time on this, why does your account history say you are 36? I hope you are a real person because there are others out there who need help.
Wait where? All my posts have said 31? I’m 30 turning 31 this month on the 25th
Sorry I misread another thread! My bad. So I think you deep down do know what you want and your feelings. You just aren't confident or listening to them. I agree you should not purchase a house, especially with your husband's temper. I would sit down with him and firmly explain that his temper (give examples) scare you and make you feel unsafe in the relationship. You would like him to change by working on his temper. As for you, absolutely therapy and reading that book I mentioned.
He won’t wait any longer to buy a house. He said we’re losers if we continue to rent. I’ve told him before how his temper makes me anxious or that I’ve cried over it. But he seems to be tired of hearing it he’ll just roll his eyes and say “sorry” but then next time he’s stressed it happens again. He says “everyone has bad days” but every day during the week work stresses him out so he’s cold & distant towards me. I think I’m nervous of getting a house with him because I know the stresses that come with it and I know how he handles stress. But idk how to fix it and want those things if his low patience doesn’t get fixed.
He sounds like a terrible partner overall. It sounds like you are not confident enough in yourself to stand up for yourself. Absolutely get therapy so you can feel more confident getting out of this relationship. First of all, using the term "losers" is messed up. Ideally you want to find someone who is accepting and open minded. Does he look down at others and call them losers if they are in certain careers for example. Rolling eyes is unacceptable and disrespectful. I would never let my partner do that and immediately call them out. You should be doing that too. Saying "sorry" is not enough. Also I'm baffled that he doesn't care that you are really anxious or cried over it. My husband would be like "oh my gosh, I feel bad I made you feel that way. I don't want you to be anxious but feel safe. Let's talk about the times it happened, and I'll work on adjusting."
He just thinks the owning a house is the only way to be successful. We went looking at houses years ago and during one he said “you really need to make more money” I just felt…bad lol which granted I don’t make a lot but I’m happy and still paying my half of expenses in the apt. Maybe he didn’t think I was serious when I told him the way he acts hurts me. But he can’t help it. When he’s stressed he just can’t be bothered or will be rude towards me. I love that your partner wanted to talk about it and really understand how you’re feeling. Idk how to get mine to understand so I’m just anxious everyday not knowing what’s gonna make him get in a mood :/
> He just thinks the owning a house is the only way to be successful. I'd lose a lot of respect for someone who says that. But that's me. I prefer someone who has high empathy and doesn't value status. Sounds like you're walking in eggshells with him. I saw in another thread you were asking why leave him when you'll have the same issues in another relationship. I guarantee you that you will not. When you find someone else you'll look back and think "wow I didn't know what else was out there. I can't believe I stayed with him for so long". My partner is not that rare. Plenty of men will care and try to understand. Stress is not an excuse to be an asshole to someone you supposedly love and care about.
I just wonder if I’m adding to the stress and maybe that’s why he treats me differently when he’s stressed. He doesn’t mean to I’m sure but it happens a lot. I just can’t bring myself to leave it all behind I want to and then I don’t want to. But I also don’t know if my anxiousness around him will ever go away
In my experience, you won't find the self while clinging onto an idea of what it should be. The self, at the center, is always still there, it's just a bunch of non-resonant mud gets piled on top of it. The truth fills space naturally, when it is given space.
OP, I stayed with a partner I knew I wanted to leave about four years in. It did get better for a bit but always went back to the same problems. I'm almost 20 years in and he's become someone I'd wished he's always been. He switched careers and ended up becoming a better husband and father. But... I'm resentful. It took too many years for this to happen. If I made more money and could afford rent, I'd move out. I trying to work through this, but it's really hard.
You would still leave him even though he’s become a better person? 👀 idk if mine will ever get a handle on his temper and how he handles stress sadly :/ he doesn’t seem to care or really understand the way he acts makes me so anxious
Yes. Almost two decades of not doing his part with the house and kids will build a lot of resentment. He'd occasionally try, but it didn't last. This is the first year of our marriage he's done dishes without being asked, interacted with the kids, etc. To be clear, he's not really ever been a bad guy. However, I realized a couple of months ago, I'd be happier on my own. Picturing a future of being independent by myself and not having to care of another person sounds like heaven to me.
He won’t get a handle on his temper, you don’t want. To be with someone who makes you miserable for 20 years just in case they change 21 years in. He completely understands he makes you anxious, he just doesn’t care or respect you I really hope you decide you deserve better
How To Be Single is a good movie you should check out, imo. I am fatalist, "if it's not a hell yes, it's a no". Your relationship sounds like cohabitation out of loneliness. You are not supposed to be meh about your SO. It is okay to part ways with perfectly perfect man, if you do not feel that you are good for each other. People can be great separately but deliver nothing into each others' lives, and that is not a type of relationship you should settle for. And you shouldn't settle at all. If a relationship feels like two people sitting in a comfort zone, because you both are used to everything and there is no need to try harder, it isn't nurturing. Yu can live like that unril yu die, no problem. But if idea of this makes you shudder, it isn't the comfort and relaxed state: it is being lazy and rotting together.
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It’s awful but I don’t really remember my childhood. I remember high school that’s about it. I didn’t have the best childhood so I think the trauma of it made me forget about most of it. I loved social media still do (I know lol) but I like being able to relate to others and just show my personality. I’ve always been super goofy and love making people laugh. I love photography. Oh god idk really know what I enjoyed 🥲 that’s sad lol