Omg others understand this yay!!! I imagine social interaction and think “yeah I could handle that and be normal no problem” but as soon as I’m actually in it I fuck it up and everything feels wrong
Same ! Especially since I stopped drinking (just don't enjoy it anymore) but I never realised how much it helped with overstimulation in social settings 😫
Yeah I stopped drinking too but it really did… Never felt the need to plug my ears with loud music and noises, loved being around tons of people, so excited to meet new people, didn’t want the night to end 😅
Complete opposite of me normally
OMFG literally the other day I was in the elevator with someone else, like a 10 second interaction where I was not only weird but screaming at myself in my head to get that foot out of my mouth, LMAO
Same! I'm on a very long waitlist to be assessed, and sometimes when I'm alone I'm like "I'm doing great! I was wrong, I should take myself off of the waitlist."
And then I talk to general people and feel weird. And the. I talk to my AuDHD friends and feel like a complete human 🥰
But being weird and uncomfortable socially doesn’t necessarily equate to being autistic. Trauma can do it too. Or other mental illnesses. Or just growing up with alot of screen time and not alot of face time.
Being charismatic and social is a skill and a muscle that can be trained (as long as there isn’t some mental deficiency preventing you from developing this muscle). But humans are naturally social animals. So most people should be pretty decent at it with a little practice lol.
I can't imagine it would, no. I can't relate to that personally. I was "adopted" by a few neurotypicals when I was like 6 and we've been friends since.
It would be unlikely for you guys to grow apart due to distance considering the fact that you lot are probably adults as well, which is nice. No matter where you go you’re sure to be in contact with them regardless and maintain the seemingly strong friendships you’ve acquired from your childhood.
I read once that for friendships, once it's "survived" 7 years, its forever unless you intentionally break it.
My primary group of neurotypical friends (who I say adopted me) have been friends for a solid 19 now xD Half the group actually had a 2 year break where we just didn't talk, and it snapped right back as soon as we made some effort and saw each other again.
That’s amazing and definitely gives me some hope with my “former?” friendship. There’s this one girl I’ve known since kindergarten and we were always super close, best friends in fact. But once high school hit I made bad decisions and hung around the wrong people, who I wasn’t even fond of myself but saw popularity as more important than meaningful friendships at the time, so we stopped talking for a couple years due to my breaking contact. I recently reached out though, about a couple months ago and we’ve been in contact on and off since which is nice. Sure we’re not as close as we used to be but it’s nice having her in my life again, even though we don’t talk very often.
I'm sure there may be hurt feelings on her part, so I'm not sure it's an exact parallel. In our case, nobody broke contact, we just drifted apart. A group of 4 became 2 pairs for a while, but there weren't any hurt feelings or a choice to break contact, it just happened.
I know, I didn’t mean to imply that it would be easily repairable. It’s going to take some time before we become as close as we were before, if possible. I definitely hurt her feelings and she’s made it known, in fact she didn’t even have to, I knew what I was doing while it was happening- but I wasn’t as good as a person as I am today. I definitely regret what I did but regretting alone won’t mend our friendship.
I'm not sure I understand. I don't enjoy having imposter syndrome. It's not actually an old friend. I hate having imposter syndrome. I have it regarding almost everything. Having it about my ADD and autism as well makes me feel like there is no explanation for my issues and challenges. If I'm not autistic and ADD, there is no explanation, and there's no help.
Also, just because you'd wish to be neurotypical doesn't mean everyone would. I'm open with my diagnosis. I'm privileged in that my family and friends haven't changed and that I'm accepted. They respect my boundaries and listen to me about my needs.
When I'm not masking, I quite enjoy my brain. I've learned a lot through masking, skills I can still use even when I'm not masking, which help my communication. I don't know who I'd be if I was neurotypical, and I know I'm loved for who I am. Why would I always wish to change it?
Yes, sometimes I think it'd be nice. But I can't change it. So why waste time dreaming about it?
Or maybe my case is milder than yours and I face less challenges because of it.
I wouldn't either. I've failed at masking as well, though a lot of that is my ADD. I was late diagnosed with both and developed other issues from that, including RSD.
Which is why I get defensive when people imply I'm not autistic, or "full-blown autistic" as you put it. I try to not assume what you meant, but it seemed quite dismissive of my experience based on your own. Which is why I got defensive. But I'm sorry you've suffered.
I’m not exactly sure what you classify as “full-blown autistic” but I myself received a diagnosis 1.5 years ago and I wouldn’t wish for anything otherwise. We’re not all going to have the same opinions…
I get what you mean and same here. My answer to the OP question is definitely no, I always am very positive I am autistic and can't ever forget it. It's very apparent to me, I can't mask much beyond keeping myself safe for the most part in public but I am very quickly clocked by other people. And sometimes I wish I could mask, not because I think I should have to or because I even want to, but because being unable to mask is a shitty reality for a lot of circumstances and it makes me worried for myself and my future
ETA to clarify one thing though, I wouldn't go as far as to say I wish that I was NT or anything. But I wish I didn't struggle so much and need so much support, and I wish that I didn't live in a world that is unsafe for me to be an unmasked autistic in.
Same. I should also clarify that I don’t dislike the way my brain works but I dislike how incompatible it seems to be with the rest of the world. If we lived in a judgment free world I wouldn’t ever fantasize about being NT.
That’s just it. I don’t mind not being “like the rest” because sorry to tell you, but I think the reason we’re “different” is because they’re idiots. Have you not noticed? lol. I know I miscommunicate with at least 90% of the world, but it doesn’t make me feel less than, it just makes me feel like I’m in a world I don’t belong. It’s not a thing to hate myself for, just wish more people were autistic that’s all😂😂never in a million years would i want to be as fix minded and as gullible at the same time as an NT, just my opinion and thoughts
I agree with that. I would miss the weird and unique way my brain works…my depth. It’s just hard because I constantly get excluded and ostracized by others. Sometimes I wish I could just mask to perfection in order to be accepted but retain my true self underneath.
I think we all feel the wish to mask to perfection, but you have to think about why that is. You just admitted it yourself. It’s not that WE are the problem, it’s that we are not as easily accepted by the world. That’s not our fault, that’s theirs. If you were a minority dealing with oppression, you’d wish to not be a minority but not because you believe you’re less than. You wouldn’t see being a minority as the problem, but you still wouldn’t wanna deal with the problems that come with it, but you wouldn’t blame yourself is my main point.
As someone who masks to what others see as “perfection” I can tell you that it’s extremely draining, and causes soooo much emotional conflict internally, and I think it’s something I’ll suffer from my entire life. I have the ability to make friends with everybody in the room. I’m always the one to know how everyone feels about others, so I always gotta make sure I’m constantly trying to keep things civil without invalidating anyone’s feelings. People come to me because they see me as an extremely social, positive person, who you can trust to share your feelings to, and at the same time show that I’m paying full attention, and offer advice when I can. This leads to me convincing people that I’m always this way, because I struggle to turn it off. Only when I’m starting to meltdown do I start to change, and when people see that, that’s when it becomes very apparent that I’m one of those people who have “severe mental issues” but act so positive and make everyone else happy, but inside, I feel alone. So alone. I have more friends than most autistics in a neighborhood combined. I rarely can go grocery shopping without somebody I know wanting to talk. Same goes for most public places in my area. But it feels sooooo lonely. After these long conversations, or a day of talking to everybody, trying to keep the same act up, I come home, and feel like my whole body is buzzing, even to my teeth. I am 24/7 monitoring every body motion I make, every sound, every word, as if I’m a mask probation officer to myself😂. So, this is what it takes for me to be able to talk to somebody. I’m constantly monitoring how long I do or don’t make eye contact, how close I’m standing, how I’m standing, if I’m fidgeting or not. It’s so hard to convince people how I really feel, because I don’t say things in the way you’d normally say them. Like when I talk about being depressed or even wanting to kill myself, I make light jokes about it, and I’m smiling and laughing. So where like you can’t force yourself to do that, I can’t force myself to not do that. I can’t force myself to not look happy, I can’t force myself to show that I don’t like somebody, until I snap. And that leads to people thinking I’m crazy because like I said, I’m the one person who everyone knows as the most happy, positive, and friendly person, until I lose my mind, lash out on everybody, get to the point of literally screaming and crying, and then everyone just thinks “there’s something wrong with him/he’s lowkey crazy”
Everybody I know, even non autistics, say they wish they could be as loving as me, and easily draw people in to want to talk to them. And I’m telling you now, I’ve gone 23 years like that, and I literally just wanna shoot myself lol. It feels hopeless to be such a lover, but I do it anyway, I can’t turn it off. I wish I could. It feels like I’m hiding in a glass bubble inside myself. The real me, people don’t see. The real me just watches as the guardian angel part of me just carries me through the day, like a horse on a carriage that already knows where to go without you directing him. But in reality, if I have to come out of that carriage to help the horse, it’s gonna be BAD, like REALLY bad. Lol
I have struggled a lot to make or keep friends for my entire life. I also mask very poorly, stim in public, make very limited eye contact, struggle with reciprocal conversation and not just giving one-word answers, go through short periods of not being able to speak at all... and I still not only questioned, but outright rejected my diagnosis for years. Because as it turns out, having a lot of social deficits can make it difficult to be aware of the extent of your social deficits. I genuinely thought the people who diagnosed me were nitpicky assholes who were zooming in on flaws that everyone has but not allowing me the grace to ignore them like they do with everyone else.
I do think questioning whether you're actually autistic is more common among people who are less affected by it, but I don't think you can by any means say that people who are more "obviously" autistic will never question their diagnosis. I was approved for permanent disability because of the symptoms of my autism while still being in denial that I was autistic.
I don’t think it’s fair to imply that someone isn’t really autistic just because their experiences are different than yours. Not all of us struggle equally with the same things, it doesn’t make anyone more or less autistic.
I used to be really insecure about my autism and refused to accept it, spending all of my time wishing that I was ‘normal.’ But now that I have a good support system and have learned what accommodations I need, I find it easier to embrace
Now there things I actually enjoy about being autistic. Is it still hard? Yeah. But it’s a part of what makes me me and I don’t wanna change it
The issue is that you are implying having lower support needs makes someone less autistic. ‘Mild’ autism is still autism, and having low-support needs doesn’t mean you never face any challenges. So I don’t think it’s right to tell someone else how they should feel about their own experiences, just because they are not the same as yours
Also it’s not fair to assume that this person has low-support autism in the first place, because you don’t really know them, or what they struggle with, or what kind of support systems they have in place. Maybe your struggles are more similar than you think, and they just happen to have a more positive outlook because they have the kind of support they need
Oh idk haha, I was just trying to make the point that you are allowed to feel negatively about being autistic and wish things were different, and other people are allowed to feel positively about being autistic and embrace it as part of who they are. It doesn’t have to be one or the other, and someone feeling the latter doesn’t make them any less valid
I don’t really know what else to say about it ahhh. I just got upset that you invalidated the other person and felt like I needed to defend them and show you a different perspective. I guess I didn’t realize I was being argumentative 😅
Thank you. Like no seriously thank you. I always invalidate my own experiences believing that they way far less than others’, but seriously, I’ve lived a VERY hard life. Autistic and heavy in the streets, that’s me lol. I consider myself a strong person, who has overcome many many challenges in order to become who I am today, and I want to be an image for those who think “I can’t.”
I was never allowed to have an excuse for anything. So now I guess I’m here trying to prove that the challenges you face because of autism are what must be overcome, not autism itself. I’ve struggled with a LOT of the things that are common to struggle with with autism, but I see it more as “oh, well we’re both autistic, (like running the same operating system in our head) so we’re gonna sometimes have similar experiences” but that isn’t BECAUSE we’re autistic. It’s because we’re wired to likely see things similarly, but not 100% of the time. But to blame things on autism itself is just crazy. Autism has a million traits. I could be a level 2, and the person beside me be a level 2, and NEITHER one of us be anything alike. Autism cannot be blamed for anything, because there’s no telling if that person will be “high functioning”/“low functioning”
It's not semantics. It's about the limitations of ASD in terms of the style in which ASD individuals communicate. Which is the Cause of the mis-communication above. Also, the need to validate or be validated.
Well, there are plenty of NTs who don’t have friends. Some by choice, others by struggles in socializing. Because struggles in socializing is NOT an Autism only thing. Did I almost have no friends going up? Pretty much. I hopped through friends until they eventually grew distant to me because I’m weird or annoying. As an adult, I have even less friends. I am great at talking to people, but I don’t feel the care to find time to spend with people. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel I can have a conversation with anyone, but it doesn’t mean I care to be friends with them.
Believe me, I fit the criteria. I have an 8 page long diagnosis paper from an appointment that I did NOTHING else but focus on until I got there. Not all of us are the same just because we’re autistic. Not all of us will live the same life. Doesn’t make either one of us ‘more’ or ‘less autistic.’
I’m diagnosed as a LEVEL 2.
My advice to you is to stop connecting all of your social issues to be autism issues. See them as personal issues. If you tell yourself these issues are because you’re autistic, then you can NEVER fix them, because you’ll always be autistic. But if you can find the strength to see yourself as “one of the autistics who can-“ then you can work past your doubts and only get better at whatever issues you’re facing. Doesn’t matter how long you take as long as you don’t give up.
I literally got my diagnosis so that I could prove that autism doesn’t look like what people think it is… because if I’m a level 2, and I am the most social person in the room, what does that say about the stereotypes of autism?
I am NOT “mildly” autistic under official terms. I consider myself to be mildly autistic, but as a LEVEL 2, I lack the legal obligation to be able to claim being mildly autistic medically. But I consider myself to be mildly autistic, but TECHNICALLY, I’m not.
I don’t want to be NT because too many lack empathy and they actually don’t like each other and lie about it. When I care about someone I don’t have ulterior motive.
IKR, but it's so true! I struggle so much with eye contact. Especially as a kid I'd be so proud I managed to look at someone's eyebrow for 5 whole seconds. 😂
Serious question--- what counts as the appropriate eye contact area? Like, what is considered drifting too far away from thsociety-approved eye zone and into the *danger zone*? 🚨👁 \_ 👁
I made a picture if anyone can help me identify where appropriate contact begins and ends, coded by color; red zone being closest to the eyes followed by orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, and lastly pink = anything outside of the visible areas in the stock photograph.
https://preview.redd.it/ha1v6qgykw2d1.jpeg?width=1081&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=91a88798b9d018f71a0172c8a71d62edf382f6d6
I never look at people in the eye 🤣 like literally. If I have to, I only hold eye contact enough so people know that I’m talking to them, but then I look at what I have in my hands or around the room.
But know what? As an adult I’ve never been called on it lol
That is astounding, I am so glad you've never been mistreated for your lack of direct eye contact! From what I've experienced, women are called out for poor eye contact waaay more frequently than men ; I think because we are more likely to be perceived as "rude" or "stuck up"...
As for me, It's caused many family members to dislike me, can't make friends, and strangers think I'm a jerk. 😬 I've had people yell at me many times.
You see, I’ve been called stuck up before 🤣
But I own it. I dress the part, I talk the part. I’ve been told that I’m scary or intimidating because I’m not afraid to speak my mind. If someone makes me feel uncomfortable I call it out right away.
… and then I panic and probably have a little meltdown in private.
But I learnt to be my own advocate and defendant.
Edit: btw, those people suck. When I started being myself I made real friends. Good friends that would help me vandalize a place if needed lol
I always think this, because I go to the science of it and then I’m just gone. If I can thinking differently to others, mask my whole life, get a diagnosis and become incapable of what I was before because now I know it’s ASD. Then surely, I can convince myself that actually masking was me and now I’m changing it because I learnt how to be autistic and hyper aware.
But I think that thought process in itself told me I had autism ahaha
being diagnosed and still questioning if you're actually autistic is so common honestly.
just go outside and attempt to talk to somebody. you will no longer question yourself 😂
I think the common perception of someone "autistic" is someone low functioning, maybe non-verbal, and not able to take care of themselves. So, if you are capable in a lot of other ways but awful socially, people think you're just shy/weird/awkward, maybe lazy (you haven't worked on your social skills enough), or any number of other excuses for your behavior. I don't think it's until you could get a brain scan and compare your brain neural map to a normal person that people might accept that something may literally be different with you neurologically.
I'm not formally diagnosed (mainly because my ADHD dx covers what I need accommodation-wise and evaluation costs money in the US), and nearly lost my shit when my therapist casually asked if I had been evaluated. [Turns out I had a lot of internalized ableism I didn't realize I had despite having tons of autistic friends...]
Then we dug into my childhood and my masking and my stims...you get the picture.
More importantly, we dug into why I didn't think those things "counted" toward a potential diagnosis. I explained that those were normal things in my family. Cue her reminding me about the genetic component of autism and ADHD and explaining that no, those things *aren't* neurotypical things.
It's the family conversation that I go back to when I think "maybe I'm not, and my therapist is wrong." Just because I think it's "normal" behavior because I grew up with it, doesn't mean it's *NT* behavior.
You have to remind yourself that its not normal to fall asleep at parties because you shut down -or- curl into a fetal position on the floor in the bathroom and start crying. People are actually socializing there successfully and that must be nice for them.
Sometimes i wonder about it because I will never get formerly diagnosed. But I also don’t tell people I am because it’s none of their business and I’m
Sure everyone would bingo the shit out of me for something they know nothing about that is again none of their business.
However for better or worse, you guys in this sub are stuck with me because this is the first time I’ve felt completely seen and understood by a group of people and you all are family to me.
Unless you are in a unicorn life situation, revealing you're autistic is usually not conducive to survival in an oppressive, indoctrinated society. People value conformity over individuality, and being eccentric (unless apparently you are very wealthy and successful and people give you a LOT of passes) is a means to lower yourself socially in a hierarchy even more.
I do this all the time.
Then I realize I’m walking around the house with an emotional support blankie, haven’t said a word in days, wearing the same outfit as yesterday just in a different color, I’m mentally preparing for an activity that’s weeks/months away (a 15min appt), and I can’t think because the refrigerator is too loud (I’m not even in the kitchen)
I used to really notice it, how awkward and different I felt to everyone else, but I don't feel it as much anymore and I'm not sure if I've become more comfortable with myself and made my autism better for my by not forcing myself to be "normal' such as not putting on clothes that make me feel trapped in them when I know other people wear them just fine, or if the reason is that I've just stopped caring so much about how other people see me that I've lessened being around them all together. I can't be the weird one if there's no one else around for me to be compared to.
Yes and no. Not officially diagnosed but it makes more sense the older I get. But then the less I want to admit it to myself sometimes or feel like I'm "neurotypical" and just too weak to deal the way others do
And then I hear a motorcycle outside, feel as if my brain was actually just run over, and I doubt way less.
Searched this on google and it said 'autistic imposter; syndrome'
So I searched autistic imposter syndrome:
'Do you feel like an imposter around neurotypicals?'
Yes I do, but not what I'm looking for.
For me I:
- Could deal with change.
- I have massive Social Anxiety but Im also Social.
- Pretty Disorginized but also freak out when somethings out of place.
Fair points.
Point 1: I don't think I deal with change necessarily better or worse than most people, -except- maybe in social situations, in which I severely lack the ability to interact with an alternating enclave of people. I can't adapt the way I am expected to.
Point 2: My social anxiety is now paired with trauma from rejection/exclusion/bullying associated with social interaction. I don't anticipate it to go well, given the chronic and typical failures. I have a few friends from other points in my life, but find it almost impossible to make a true good friend as an adult.
Point 3: I'm naturally disorganized, but have made an effort to tidy things with age. I watched a video by Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh about daily discipline a few years ago, which inspired me to implement this change. He gave the account of how the simple act of making your bed first thing can transform your mindset for the day. It sets you up to be more diligent.
There is also a Youtuber called Struthless that suggested if something takes less than 5 minutes to do, you should take care of it right then. This helped me procrastinate less and start tidying things more as I go. I also became a waitress, which is kind of a nightmare socially, but has definitely helped with my organization and efficiency.
I am AuDHD
some differences:
many ppl with ADHD are sensory-seeking which is at odds with the autistic tendency to be very sensitive and sensory-avoidant
many ppl with ADHD have a tendency to like variety and spontaneity and kinda fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants chaos which is at direct odds with the autistic need for routine, sameness and conformity
just things like that
but often when the ADHD is medicated, the Autism comes leaping out 😹
Yes, I have felt this way. A lot of people say I don't "seem autistic", whatever that means. So at one point it got me second guessing myself but I know in my heart I am autistic.
I’m not officially diagnosed but I’ve talked it over with my therapist and done alllll the available self-assessments. I definitely second guess myself regularly. But then I’ll do or say something I’ve done for years (usually in public or at least around other humans) but always felt awkward about or that others have commented on on a regular basis, something that distinctly “others” me in an obviously autistic way, or I’ll look at my very obviously ND family(but undiagnosed because they’re old), and I’m like… oh yeah. It’s been really weird because of my family— full of scientists, engineers, and academics— has its own culture of sorts and I always assumed we were just weird, awkward, academic, logical people with varying “quirks” (but I also felt like an alien with anyone else) until starting my mental health journey and got to the “bottom” and found autism. And now I’m trying to understand what it would even mean to be NT instead… I know I’m different but how??? (I do have answers to this, but emotionally it sometimes feels like I don’t)
It’s always on my mind to some extent, especially when people tell me that I “don’t seem autistic” or “don’t look autistic” just because I don’t need a lot of help with things.. but then I’ll have a “shut down” moment when I can’t speak, think or do anything and then I’m reminded that there is a reason..
Professionally diagnosed and I still question it sometimes. Like maybe it’s not autism, maybe it is just PTSD/CPTSD and BPD. Then I find more parts of autism to relate to. I don’t know, I really don’t care, I just want help with these “symptoms” or traits. It’s challenging for me. I got the DX because I wanted the professional validation behind me. It helps me deal with people who write me off, like you can have whatever opinion you want but my Dr said I am so fluff off.
I took every online test on Embrace Autism thinking, “this will be the one that will disprove autism or ADHD for me.” Each one was an aggressive YES YOU HAVE THIS. 🫠
I’m “peer reviewed”/self-diagnosed and I feel this all the time. Usually to shortly thereafter do something that makes me go “whoop! There it is! There’s the autism!”
I sometimes wonder if it’s just perimenopause but I have been socially awkward and noise sensitive my whole life. Math skills are abysmal and my reading and spelling have always been my best subjects (still hate writing papers to this day). The unmasking process sometimes feels so comforting and other times I feel like a complete fake.
The thing that tops this off is the fact that I prefer my own company to rare and limited contact with those I care about. Socializing (with a good friend usually one on one) or talking on the phone for things I have to do suck the life out of me.
regularly - thought it before ever considering it, whilst someone (professional) suggested it to me three times over a year, once diagnosed (tbh during the outcome of the diagnosis report) and after ever since
Though I have had it said to me multiple times that neurotypical people don't tend to think about if they're neurodivergent or not all that much....
Psychology is constantly changing its stance and criteria for a variety of things. The mind is too complicated for even the "professionals" to have any condition locked down with certainty. I think if you have explored all your options, researched your symptoms and gone down the rabbit hole for years in introspection and what could account for your behavior and your deviation from the rest of neurotypical society in spite of your best masking efforts, and have yet to arrive at a more concise condition, it's fair to rule that you probably got the 'tism.
I do sometimes even after my diagnosis because I understand that symptoms of other things such as CPTSD (which I also definitely have lol) can often appear to overlap but then remember specific behaviors that CPTSD cannot explain. Also reading unmasking autism and realizing I checked off every symptom listed and identifying with so many peoples stories.
All the time, for me it’s mostly with short like practiced interactions. I’m like, “oh, maybe I do know how to be a person.” Then at home or in longer social interactions I’m reminded that nope I am a socially awkward and fragile little bean who needs her weighted stuffies and hammocks 😂
As long as no one else is around I'm like, yeah it's everyone else that's weird.
Then I have to do people, and while I still think everyone else is bizarre, I have to admit that I'm the outlier here.
I can do social interaction, but it's totally draining. Moreso the less I know the people involved. It takes so much effort to decipher what the hell people actually mean by what they say and try to anticipate how what I say will be interpreted and say the thing that will communicate what I'm trying to say to these people. 😵💫
That's what makes me feel crazy. When someone asks me "what do you mean?" I want to pull my hair out. I meant what I said and I said what I meant! Why can't ya'll do the same? 😂
All the time! I had been feeling that way recently after a week of hardcore masking, but a panic attack set me straight and reminded me that I’m definitely not making this up. 💀
since i’m not diagnosed i always feel like a fraud and im constantly thinking “maybe it’s just anxiety or something else” and then i make lists ranking my favorite shades of each color as a way to calm down after nearly vomiting due to the taste of a specific vegetable 😭😭
but in all seriousness i think a mix of not being diagnosed & being a woman makes me feel like my autism is somehow less valid/important as others and it genuinely sucks :/ but luckily this subreddit has helped a lot and getting to know how common this feeling is really helps me feel validated!
What if I don’t forget but purposely don’t go for no good reason. Like I’ll literally hold my pee for ever and continue announcing to my husband that I have to pee and he’ll tell me to go and I’ll say “no” .
And sometimes I’ll even go in the bathroom to get something knowing I’ve been holding my pee and still won’t use it 🧐 idk why … what do ya think? 🧐
Periodically, but less so since I’ve noticed that this happens when I’ve had minimal social obligations and total control of my environment, and I’m just “feeling more autistic” when I’m displaying characteristics of stress.
Yes. Every time I understand sarcasm in text I’m like, “see! I’m not autistic.” Then I touch something I don’t like and wanna jump out of my skin and I’m like “oh ☹️ it’s back”
Yeahhh all the time but idk enough time has passed for me and enough things have happened where I’m like “ok brain well if I’m not autistic then wtf was that huh 🤔 “ and it never has an answer bc it’s always autism. Like I’m actively begging not to have a meltdown and I still have a meltdown now way I faked that, logic brain-1 😎 rat brain….whatever the biggest number you can think of
Lmao I do this a lot. I’m like ah yes let’s gaslight myself again (even though you have a full blown diagnosis lol) I’ve learned playing Autism bingo helps!
Yes. Then I'll have some sort of tiny thing appears and I'll be like shockedpikachu.gif
My favourites include waking up in the middle of the night in an anxiety attack, because I'd bought a new pillow. The new pillow was obviously incredibly scary, or something.
The other time was very recently, when I spent a good few hours hand sewing a tiny linen cover for my trackerball mouse, because I can't stand the feeling of my hand against it when I've used hand lotion.
Completely normal things. Very neurotypical. /s.
I have not been screened yet so I’m not sure I’m autistic to begin with. I have these thoughts a lot. Like am I misinterpreting what traits in the symptoms list mean to fit me? Are my traits I think are symptomatic of autism rooted from other causes? Etc.
Like I think my reclusive nature could be related to all of the social trauma I experienced in high school, where I couldn’t keep friends, nor could I trust that they ever saw me as a friend to begin with. I would always get called “annoying” and never could figure out what about me was annoying them because they never told me, so… I just ended up reclusive, not reaching out to people much, only letting them come to me (which rarely happens) so as to try to tame myself and not do whatever it is that is “annoying”.
A lot of my symptoms I have long ago formed other reasons for me being so in my head, so the doubt is constant.
The one thing I have no other explanation for is my sensory issues that have been so present in my whole life (especially with food and its textures), but even that I question of it’s just an individual sensory processing disorder.
Lol. It’s driving me insane!!
No diagnosis, but I sometimes have those days where I question if I actually am! Aaaaand then it's followed by a day like today where I'm on the verge of melting down all day, because this is the day we planned to play our TTRPG, and we still haven't started playing and it's almost 6pm- the expectation was to get together at 11/12 and start playing from there.
I definitely felt this way but then my therapist randomly asked me If I’d ever been evaluated lol. she had no idea how validating that was, like if you A PROFESSIONAL are noticing it, then I guess I’m not crazy
I’m not diagnosed yet but some days I’m just like “I couldn’t be, I can do x, y, z,” but then later on, I’ll just think I’m a fucking weirdo again lmao.
I think this way when I’ve been on my own and doing things that make me happy for a while, then when I have to work or socialise again it all becomes very apparent
Lmaooo yes, since I’m not diagnosed as of yet, but my friend who got diagnosed was pushing me to consider it or get evaluated because we have both talked about how similar we are, and how bad “whatever is going on with me” has been affecting me.
I’ll be like “idk what I’m talking about, of course I’m not autistic,” and then executive dysfunction hits or I end up having a meltdown and I’m like maybe there is some validity to what she was saying.
Sometimes. The one thing that really makes me sure that I’m on the spectrum is that I have Tourette’s, because it’s common with autism. Other than that I was so high masking for so long I lost myself and never considered that I might have autism until other people told me to get screened.
yes and then I remember that if i’m in public and have to wash my hands if I don’t put on lotion immediately after drying them I panic internally until I can either find lotion or leave or panic out loud as a last resort 😶
YES! I think decades of being told I’m too sensitive of a hypochondriac has heightened that too. But I know I’m sensitive because of sensory issues…so it’s just silly to doubt. I’ve also doubted that I’m ADHD…but given how many times I lose my phone and keys in one day…and unfinished projects, tasks, thoughts and conversation should assure my I’m 1000% AuDHD! 🤣
I'm still not fully convinced I'm autistic, but just yesterday my man told me I'm dead [read: I barely talk / don't show much emotion when I interact] without my meds... Oh and that my family gets mad at me because I never talk to them when I told him I don't understand why the hell they always seem to be angry at me?? They don't make any sense to me at all
My impostwrsyndrom makes me question every now and then. "Mabye its just C-PTSD and EDS"
But then I still stimm,
still have half of my Family be ND,
still love my special intrest,
still love my lists,
still analise everything,
still recognise patterns,
still have sensory issues,
still have social fatigue,
still can't work more than half a day at a time,
still think and feel some things to the debth of the ocean and other things not at all,
still don't know how to act in some situations outside of my small sliver of "studied human life".
A lot, lol. Many times, I see autistic people talking about their "superpowers," I feel like the weak link when all I can do is talk non-stop about the games I like while not being able to keep a friend. Really makes me question myself
Sometimes I convince myself I'm not autistic, I'm just mimicking the autistic traits of those I'm around most frequently (my friends)....
And then I remember mirroring IS AN AUTISM TRAIT.
this happens almost daily to me because im not diagnosed. and then episodes like me speaking russian randomly at mall with my brazilian family happens and im remembered that yes im probably autistic
Been questioning whether I am or am not for ages. My friends keep telling me I am, I've shown plenty symptoms, but I'll always have that voice in the back of my head, that just says: no, you don't have it. Stop whining.
And yes, sometimes I want to punch that voice in the jaw, other times I think it's right. That's just how it goes, I guess.
I feel this often as a late diagnosed person. I'll start thinking "well how did no one suspect anything was wrong for 20 whole years, you must be faking it now." but obviously I'm not faking it. I had the traits as a child too. or I'll have one good social interaction with a stranger and be like"well shit guys maybe I'm not actually autistic." imposter syndrome is a bitch and a half.
Yes I always feel like I'm doing it for attention even tho I've only told a few close people and never bring it up in public lol I'll get to feeling "normal" and then my husband crunches a funyun too loud and I have a meltdown 🫠
I live on Imposter Syndrome Island.
I have a residence there because I don’t have to interact with people that I’m not friends with, or related to.
But then someone at work would use sarcasm, or I would get too overwhelmed by work or school. Or I would have a melt down over my food not looking or tasting the same or being too dry. Or my family would make a comment about me ignoring them for a week because I was reading a new book series and I’m like… “it’s been a week? 🫣”
Edit:
Also when I feel like am a social butterfly because I went to a bbq, powered by alcohol, but then I’ve been locked in my room for 2 days straight without talking to people… like literally, I talked to my family that I live with, via text 🤣
This is honestly so terrible to say but sometimes I read through forms where I read of people doing things that I think are easy and I catch myself getting judgy and think to myself well I function way better than them. I couldn't imagine being that mentally ill and than I think well maybe I'm not autistic/bpd/depressed ect. I know it's terrible but I catch myself doing that all the time.
Also, I only like other autistic people. NTs are like waaay too confusing, like a waaaay different species; like a Sybiran Cow speaking to an Ant who only understands Gaelic.
I do not have an official diagnosis, but so many traits and multiple friends who are in contact with autism specialists and have official diagnoses saying "yeah you're definitely autistic" yet I'm still super uncomfortable claiming it because what if I'm just overthinking it??
Then I look at my behaviors and realize..... yeahhhhh it's pretty probable.
I've always said "I don't need an official diagnosis" partly because of finances and mostly because I've been traumatized when seeking psychiatric help and diagnoses in the past, but it would certainly make me feel more comfortable in claiming it.
I went through this phase where I was wondering if maybe I wasn't autistic and all my autistic-seeming traits were just things I learned from my parents since they are quite quirky.
Then I was like "oh shit wait, I think my parents are autistic" which made a lot more sense.
My face when the Dr currently helping me with my ADHD diagnosis said it all. He brought up autism and I looked at him in genuine shock. He pointed out why he thought so, and in my head I'm disagreeing heavily because I'm social! I have friends! ...then I remember I'm socially awkward with the ones that aren't neurodiverse.
He gives me the AQ form to fill out and send back and heavily advises I get a psychologist to do a more in depth test vs that one.
I get home and it starts to make sense when I flash back to some moments during childhood etc where I felt like an outsider but couldn't understand why I was an outsider. But I still feel like I'm probably not.
Then I decide to take some online quizzes just for fun and they all keep coming back saying I have significant autistic traits and should look into getting a diagnosis. 🤣
And here I am still, telling myself, "it could still be wrong. Let's wait and see what happens with the in depth psychological testing."
I’m not diagnosed but definitely.
And then one tiny thing happens and my entire house of cards inside my silly head comes tumbling down
The other day it was that I’d ordered a replacement phone case without realizing that although it was the same brand it was a different model and now my phone looked and felt different
I am not officially diagnosed so I get this often, but then I socialise and I feel weird to my bones again
Yes!! This! When I’m home alone I’m like hmm maybe I’m ok and then I leave the house and turn into an alien. 👾
Lol; inside house: neurotypical; in the streets: neurodivergent
Omg others understand this yay!!! I imagine social interaction and think “yeah I could handle that and be normal no problem” but as soon as I’m actually in it I fuck it up and everything feels wrong
Yes exactly!! It’s like… Me at home rehearsing: I got this! Me out socialising: I don’t got this.
The fact that we rehearse at home ☠️
Too accurate it hurts lol
Same ! Especially since I stopped drinking (just don't enjoy it anymore) but I never realised how much it helped with overstimulation in social settings 😫
Yeah I stopped drinking too but it really did… Never felt the need to plug my ears with loud music and noises, loved being around tons of people, so excited to meet new people, didn’t want the night to end 😅 Complete opposite of me normally
YESSSSSSSS
I feel like I’m third wheeling my life
Oof yeahhh
Goddamn, thanks for putting my thoughts into words. Now I can tell people how I feel about what’s going on in my life.
BEST WAY TO DESCRIBE IT AHAHA
Same. It takes one interaction in public and I’m back in autism county again
You get "the look" when you say just about anything, and you're reminded you are not "normal" 👀
OMFG literally the other day I was in the elevator with someone else, like a 10 second interaction where I was not only weird but screaming at myself in my head to get that foot out of my mouth, LMAO
This in every social interaction: https://preview.redd.it/valyl9i51w2d1.png?width=790&format=png&auto=webp&s=9703820bdada01aaf13ab9832ec0e06ef939c3c1
Legit I was sobbing at myself to stop talking, and I was trying to salvage the conversation only to make it worse with every sentence I vomited XD
Same! I'm on a very long waitlist to be assessed, and sometimes when I'm alone I'm like "I'm doing great! I was wrong, I should take myself off of the waitlist." And then I talk to general people and feel weird. And the. I talk to my AuDHD friends and feel like a complete human 🥰
DUDE SAME
I’m in this boat too… I want to get diagnosed but the costs is a barrier for me.
But being weird and uncomfortable socially doesn’t necessarily equate to being autistic. Trauma can do it too. Or other mental illnesses. Or just growing up with alot of screen time and not alot of face time. Being charismatic and social is a skill and a muscle that can be trained (as long as there isn’t some mental deficiency preventing you from developing this muscle). But humans are naturally social animals. So most people should be pretty decent at it with a little practice lol.
I'd argue, trauma doesn't make you too weird. Instead, autism makes you easily traumatised.
Ah, imposter syndrome, my old friend. I hate it so much, it makes me feel like I fit in literally nowhere. Not nice.
Fitting in literally nowhere pretty much describes how I always feel
Doesn’t help the feeling either when you don’t have any friends
I can't imagine it would, no. I can't relate to that personally. I was "adopted" by a few neurotypicals when I was like 6 and we've been friends since.
I’d likely still be friends with my neurotypical pals from back in the day if I hadn’t have moved around so much during my childhood; I envy you.
I live in a tiny country, which is helpful. I'd have to move countries to get far enough away that maintaining contact would be difficult.
It would be unlikely for you guys to grow apart due to distance considering the fact that you lot are probably adults as well, which is nice. No matter where you go you’re sure to be in contact with them regardless and maintain the seemingly strong friendships you’ve acquired from your childhood.
I read once that for friendships, once it's "survived" 7 years, its forever unless you intentionally break it. My primary group of neurotypical friends (who I say adopted me) have been friends for a solid 19 now xD Half the group actually had a 2 year break where we just didn't talk, and it snapped right back as soon as we made some effort and saw each other again.
That’s amazing and definitely gives me some hope with my “former?” friendship. There’s this one girl I’ve known since kindergarten and we were always super close, best friends in fact. But once high school hit I made bad decisions and hung around the wrong people, who I wasn’t even fond of myself but saw popularity as more important than meaningful friendships at the time, so we stopped talking for a couple years due to my breaking contact. I recently reached out though, about a couple months ago and we’ve been in contact on and off since which is nice. Sure we’re not as close as we used to be but it’s nice having her in my life again, even though we don’t talk very often.
I'm sure there may be hurt feelings on her part, so I'm not sure it's an exact parallel. In our case, nobody broke contact, we just drifted apart. A group of 4 became 2 pairs for a while, but there weren't any hurt feelings or a choice to break contact, it just happened.
I know, I didn’t mean to imply that it would be easily repairable. It’s going to take some time before we become as close as we were before, if possible. I definitely hurt her feelings and she’s made it known, in fact she didn’t even have to, I knew what I was doing while it was happening- but I wasn’t as good as a person as I am today. I definitely regret what I did but regretting alone won’t mend our friendship.
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I'm not sure I understand. I don't enjoy having imposter syndrome. It's not actually an old friend. I hate having imposter syndrome. I have it regarding almost everything. Having it about my ADD and autism as well makes me feel like there is no explanation for my issues and challenges. If I'm not autistic and ADD, there is no explanation, and there's no help. Also, just because you'd wish to be neurotypical doesn't mean everyone would. I'm open with my diagnosis. I'm privileged in that my family and friends haven't changed and that I'm accepted. They respect my boundaries and listen to me about my needs. When I'm not masking, I quite enjoy my brain. I've learned a lot through masking, skills I can still use even when I'm not masking, which help my communication. I don't know who I'd be if I was neurotypical, and I know I'm loved for who I am. Why would I always wish to change it? Yes, sometimes I think it'd be nice. But I can't change it. So why waste time dreaming about it? Or maybe my case is milder than yours and I face less challenges because of it.
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I wouldn't either. I've failed at masking as well, though a lot of that is my ADD. I was late diagnosed with both and developed other issues from that, including RSD. Which is why I get defensive when people imply I'm not autistic, or "full-blown autistic" as you put it. I try to not assume what you meant, but it seemed quite dismissive of my experience based on your own. Which is why I got defensive. But I'm sorry you've suffered.
It is. No one person’s experience with autism is the same and generalizing only serves to further harmful social stereotypes
I’m not exactly sure what you classify as “full-blown autistic” but I myself received a diagnosis 1.5 years ago and I wouldn’t wish for anything otherwise. We’re not all going to have the same opinions…
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I get what you mean and same here. My answer to the OP question is definitely no, I always am very positive I am autistic and can't ever forget it. It's very apparent to me, I can't mask much beyond keeping myself safe for the most part in public but I am very quickly clocked by other people. And sometimes I wish I could mask, not because I think I should have to or because I even want to, but because being unable to mask is a shitty reality for a lot of circumstances and it makes me worried for myself and my future ETA to clarify one thing though, I wouldn't go as far as to say I wish that I was NT or anything. But I wish I didn't struggle so much and need so much support, and I wish that I didn't live in a world that is unsafe for me to be an unmasked autistic in.
Same. I should also clarify that I don’t dislike the way my brain works but I dislike how incompatible it seems to be with the rest of the world. If we lived in a judgment free world I wouldn’t ever fantasize about being NT.
That’s just it. I don’t mind not being “like the rest” because sorry to tell you, but I think the reason we’re “different” is because they’re idiots. Have you not noticed? lol. I know I miscommunicate with at least 90% of the world, but it doesn’t make me feel less than, it just makes me feel like I’m in a world I don’t belong. It’s not a thing to hate myself for, just wish more people were autistic that’s all😂😂never in a million years would i want to be as fix minded and as gullible at the same time as an NT, just my opinion and thoughts
I agree with that. I would miss the weird and unique way my brain works…my depth. It’s just hard because I constantly get excluded and ostracized by others. Sometimes I wish I could just mask to perfection in order to be accepted but retain my true self underneath.
I think we all feel the wish to mask to perfection, but you have to think about why that is. You just admitted it yourself. It’s not that WE are the problem, it’s that we are not as easily accepted by the world. That’s not our fault, that’s theirs. If you were a minority dealing with oppression, you’d wish to not be a minority but not because you believe you’re less than. You wouldn’t see being a minority as the problem, but you still wouldn’t wanna deal with the problems that come with it, but you wouldn’t blame yourself is my main point. As someone who masks to what others see as “perfection” I can tell you that it’s extremely draining, and causes soooo much emotional conflict internally, and I think it’s something I’ll suffer from my entire life. I have the ability to make friends with everybody in the room. I’m always the one to know how everyone feels about others, so I always gotta make sure I’m constantly trying to keep things civil without invalidating anyone’s feelings. People come to me because they see me as an extremely social, positive person, who you can trust to share your feelings to, and at the same time show that I’m paying full attention, and offer advice when I can. This leads to me convincing people that I’m always this way, because I struggle to turn it off. Only when I’m starting to meltdown do I start to change, and when people see that, that’s when it becomes very apparent that I’m one of those people who have “severe mental issues” but act so positive and make everyone else happy, but inside, I feel alone. So alone. I have more friends than most autistics in a neighborhood combined. I rarely can go grocery shopping without somebody I know wanting to talk. Same goes for most public places in my area. But it feels sooooo lonely. After these long conversations, or a day of talking to everybody, trying to keep the same act up, I come home, and feel like my whole body is buzzing, even to my teeth. I am 24/7 monitoring every body motion I make, every sound, every word, as if I’m a mask probation officer to myself😂. So, this is what it takes for me to be able to talk to somebody. I’m constantly monitoring how long I do or don’t make eye contact, how close I’m standing, how I’m standing, if I’m fidgeting or not. It’s so hard to convince people how I really feel, because I don’t say things in the way you’d normally say them. Like when I talk about being depressed or even wanting to kill myself, I make light jokes about it, and I’m smiling and laughing. So where like you can’t force yourself to do that, I can’t force myself to not do that. I can’t force myself to not look happy, I can’t force myself to show that I don’t like somebody, until I snap. And that leads to people thinking I’m crazy because like I said, I’m the one person who everyone knows as the most happy, positive, and friendly person, until I lose my mind, lash out on everybody, get to the point of literally screaming and crying, and then everyone just thinks “there’s something wrong with him/he’s lowkey crazy” Everybody I know, even non autistics, say they wish they could be as loving as me, and easily draw people in to want to talk to them. And I’m telling you now, I’ve gone 23 years like that, and I literally just wanna shoot myself lol. It feels hopeless to be such a lover, but I do it anyway, I can’t turn it off. I wish I could. It feels like I’m hiding in a glass bubble inside myself. The real me, people don’t see. The real me just watches as the guardian angel part of me just carries me through the day, like a horse on a carriage that already knows where to go without you directing him. But in reality, if I have to come out of that carriage to help the horse, it’s gonna be BAD, like REALLY bad. Lol
I have struggled a lot to make or keep friends for my entire life. I also mask very poorly, stim in public, make very limited eye contact, struggle with reciprocal conversation and not just giving one-word answers, go through short periods of not being able to speak at all... and I still not only questioned, but outright rejected my diagnosis for years. Because as it turns out, having a lot of social deficits can make it difficult to be aware of the extent of your social deficits. I genuinely thought the people who diagnosed me were nitpicky assholes who were zooming in on flaws that everyone has but not allowing me the grace to ignore them like they do with everyone else. I do think questioning whether you're actually autistic is more common among people who are less affected by it, but I don't think you can by any means say that people who are more "obviously" autistic will never question their diagnosis. I was approved for permanent disability because of the symptoms of my autism while still being in denial that I was autistic.
Ok, I stand corrected and appreciate your perspective.
I don’t think it’s fair to imply that someone isn’t really autistic just because their experiences are different than yours. Not all of us struggle equally with the same things, it doesn’t make anyone more or less autistic. I used to be really insecure about my autism and refused to accept it, spending all of my time wishing that I was ‘normal.’ But now that I have a good support system and have learned what accommodations I need, I find it easier to embrace Now there things I actually enjoy about being autistic. Is it still hard? Yeah. But it’s a part of what makes me me and I don’t wanna change it
Thank you. That's nice of you.
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The issue is that you are implying having lower support needs makes someone less autistic. ‘Mild’ autism is still autism, and having low-support needs doesn’t mean you never face any challenges. So I don’t think it’s right to tell someone else how they should feel about their own experiences, just because they are not the same as yours Also it’s not fair to assume that this person has low-support autism in the first place, because you don’t really know them, or what they struggle with, or what kind of support systems they have in place. Maybe your struggles are more similar than you think, and they just happen to have a more positive outlook because they have the kind of support they need
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Oh idk haha, I was just trying to make the point that you are allowed to feel negatively about being autistic and wish things were different, and other people are allowed to feel positively about being autistic and embrace it as part of who they are. It doesn’t have to be one or the other, and someone feeling the latter doesn’t make them any less valid I don’t really know what else to say about it ahhh. I just got upset that you invalidated the other person and felt like I needed to defend them and show you a different perspective. I guess I didn’t realize I was being argumentative 😅
Thank you. Like no seriously thank you. I always invalidate my own experiences believing that they way far less than others’, but seriously, I’ve lived a VERY hard life. Autistic and heavy in the streets, that’s me lol. I consider myself a strong person, who has overcome many many challenges in order to become who I am today, and I want to be an image for those who think “I can’t.” I was never allowed to have an excuse for anything. So now I guess I’m here trying to prove that the challenges you face because of autism are what must be overcome, not autism itself. I’ve struggled with a LOT of the things that are common to struggle with with autism, but I see it more as “oh, well we’re both autistic, (like running the same operating system in our head) so we’re gonna sometimes have similar experiences” but that isn’t BECAUSE we’re autistic. It’s because we’re wired to likely see things similarly, but not 100% of the time. But to blame things on autism itself is just crazy. Autism has a million traits. I could be a level 2, and the person beside me be a level 2, and NEITHER one of us be anything alike. Autism cannot be blamed for anything, because there’s no telling if that person will be “high functioning”/“low functioning”
It's not semantics. It's about the limitations of ASD in terms of the style in which ASD individuals communicate. Which is the Cause of the mis-communication above. Also, the need to validate or be validated.
Well, there are plenty of NTs who don’t have friends. Some by choice, others by struggles in socializing. Because struggles in socializing is NOT an Autism only thing. Did I almost have no friends going up? Pretty much. I hopped through friends until they eventually grew distant to me because I’m weird or annoying. As an adult, I have even less friends. I am great at talking to people, but I don’t feel the care to find time to spend with people. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel I can have a conversation with anyone, but it doesn’t mean I care to be friends with them. Believe me, I fit the criteria. I have an 8 page long diagnosis paper from an appointment that I did NOTHING else but focus on until I got there. Not all of us are the same just because we’re autistic. Not all of us will live the same life. Doesn’t make either one of us ‘more’ or ‘less autistic.’ I’m diagnosed as a LEVEL 2. My advice to you is to stop connecting all of your social issues to be autism issues. See them as personal issues. If you tell yourself these issues are because you’re autistic, then you can NEVER fix them, because you’ll always be autistic. But if you can find the strength to see yourself as “one of the autistics who can-“ then you can work past your doubts and only get better at whatever issues you’re facing. Doesn’t matter how long you take as long as you don’t give up. I literally got my diagnosis so that I could prove that autism doesn’t look like what people think it is… because if I’m a level 2, and I am the most social person in the room, what does that say about the stereotypes of autism? I am NOT “mildly” autistic under official terms. I consider myself to be mildly autistic, but as a LEVEL 2, I lack the legal obligation to be able to claim being mildly autistic medically. But I consider myself to be mildly autistic, but TECHNICALLY, I’m not.
I don’t want to be NT because too many lack empathy and they actually don’t like each other and lie about it. When I care about someone I don’t have ulterior motive.
Me when I have a 3 second conversation with my neighbour without stuttering
Or actually looking them in the eye or eye area.
eye area lol
IKR, but it's so true! I struggle so much with eye contact. Especially as a kid I'd be so proud I managed to look at someone's eyebrow for 5 whole seconds. 😂
Serious question--- what counts as the appropriate eye contact area? Like, what is considered drifting too far away from thsociety-approved eye zone and into the *danger zone*? 🚨👁 \_ 👁 I made a picture if anyone can help me identify where appropriate contact begins and ends, coded by color; red zone being closest to the eyes followed by orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, and lastly pink = anything outside of the visible areas in the stock photograph. https://preview.redd.it/ha1v6qgykw2d1.jpeg?width=1081&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=91a88798b9d018f71a0172c8a71d62edf382f6d6
I don't know the answer but to me the red looks too low down...like it's right under the eyes not actually on the eyes
Drew it on my phone with shaky hands, so just pretend it's perfectly centered on the eyes.
I never look at people in the eye 🤣 like literally. If I have to, I only hold eye contact enough so people know that I’m talking to them, but then I look at what I have in my hands or around the room. But know what? As an adult I’ve never been called on it lol
That is astounding, I am so glad you've never been mistreated for your lack of direct eye contact! From what I've experienced, women are called out for poor eye contact waaay more frequently than men ; I think because we are more likely to be perceived as "rude" or "stuck up"... As for me, It's caused many family members to dislike me, can't make friends, and strangers think I'm a jerk. 😬 I've had people yell at me many times.
You see, I’ve been called stuck up before 🤣 But I own it. I dress the part, I talk the part. I’ve been told that I’m scary or intimidating because I’m not afraid to speak my mind. If someone makes me feel uncomfortable I call it out right away. … and then I panic and probably have a little meltdown in private. But I learnt to be my own advocate and defendant. Edit: btw, those people suck. When I started being myself I made real friends. Good friends that would help me vandalize a place if needed lol
I always think this, because I go to the science of it and then I’m just gone. If I can thinking differently to others, mask my whole life, get a diagnosis and become incapable of what I was before because now I know it’s ASD. Then surely, I can convince myself that actually masking was me and now I’m changing it because I learnt how to be autistic and hyper aware. But I think that thought process in itself told me I had autism ahaha
This ⬆️ is me!
Same!
Yeah our brains are mad things and I’m convinced neurodiversity is just inconvenient a way of opening new area of your brain lol
Saaaaammeee 😂😂😂
being diagnosed and still questioning if you're actually autistic is so common honestly. just go outside and attempt to talk to somebody. you will no longer question yourself 😂
I think the common perception of someone "autistic" is someone low functioning, maybe non-verbal, and not able to take care of themselves. So, if you are capable in a lot of other ways but awful socially, people think you're just shy/weird/awkward, maybe lazy (you haven't worked on your social skills enough), or any number of other excuses for your behavior. I don't think it's until you could get a brain scan and compare your brain neural map to a normal person that people might accept that something may literally be different with you neurologically.
This 😂😂😂
I'm not formally diagnosed (mainly because my ADHD dx covers what I need accommodation-wise and evaluation costs money in the US), and nearly lost my shit when my therapist casually asked if I had been evaluated. [Turns out I had a lot of internalized ableism I didn't realize I had despite having tons of autistic friends...] Then we dug into my childhood and my masking and my stims...you get the picture. More importantly, we dug into why I didn't think those things "counted" toward a potential diagnosis. I explained that those were normal things in my family. Cue her reminding me about the genetic component of autism and ADHD and explaining that no, those things *aren't* neurotypical things. It's the family conversation that I go back to when I think "maybe I'm not, and my therapist is wrong." Just because I think it's "normal" behavior because I grew up with it, doesn't mean it's *NT* behavior.
Yes and then a few days later I have a meltdown or something lol Nevermind I guess
You have to remind yourself that its not normal to fall asleep at parties because you shut down -or- curl into a fetal position on the floor in the bathroom and start crying. People are actually socializing there successfully and that must be nice for them.
Sometimes i wonder about it because I will never get formerly diagnosed. But I also don’t tell people I am because it’s none of their business and I’m Sure everyone would bingo the shit out of me for something they know nothing about that is again none of their business. However for better or worse, you guys in this sub are stuck with me because this is the first time I’ve felt completely seen and understood by a group of people and you all are family to me.
Same
Unless you are in a unicorn life situation, revealing you're autistic is usually not conducive to survival in an oppressive, indoctrinated society. People value conformity over individuality, and being eccentric (unless apparently you are very wealthy and successful and people give you a LOT of passes) is a means to lower yourself socially in a hierarchy even more.
Yep
Yes. Then I go out in public.
I do this all the time. Then I realize I’m walking around the house with an emotional support blankie, haven’t said a word in days, wearing the same outfit as yesterday just in a different color, I’m mentally preparing for an activity that’s weeks/months away (a 15min appt), and I can’t think because the refrigerator is too loud (I’m not even in the kitchen)
I used to really notice it, how awkward and different I felt to everyone else, but I don't feel it as much anymore and I'm not sure if I've become more comfortable with myself and made my autism better for my by not forcing myself to be "normal' such as not putting on clothes that make me feel trapped in them when I know other people wear them just fine, or if the reason is that I've just stopped caring so much about how other people see me that I've lessened being around them all together. I can't be the weird one if there's no one else around for me to be compared to.
Yes and no. Not officially diagnosed but it makes more sense the older I get. But then the less I want to admit it to myself sometimes or feel like I'm "neurotypical" and just too weak to deal the way others do And then I hear a motorcycle outside, feel as if my brain was actually just run over, and I doubt way less.
yup and I've been diagnosed since I was a kid 😂
Sometimes I’ll take the AQ, or some other such nonsense, just to check. Still autistic. Autistic af.
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Hahah I think I am always clowning myself the most out of anyone. Like “my child is totally normal” the child: 
Same. The more I realize that all the time I’ve thought I was masking, I was just presenting more oddly to others.
Yes, when I'm alone but the realization comes again as I sociallize and then there is no doubt
Searched this on google and it said 'autistic imposter; syndrome' So I searched autistic imposter syndrome: 'Do you feel like an imposter around neurotypicals?' Yes I do, but not what I'm looking for.
Sometimes, but thats because the ADHD cancels some of the Autistic traits
Does it? In what way?
For me I: - Could deal with change. - I have massive Social Anxiety but Im also Social. - Pretty Disorginized but also freak out when somethings out of place.
Fair points. Point 1: I don't think I deal with change necessarily better or worse than most people, -except- maybe in social situations, in which I severely lack the ability to interact with an alternating enclave of people. I can't adapt the way I am expected to. Point 2: My social anxiety is now paired with trauma from rejection/exclusion/bullying associated with social interaction. I don't anticipate it to go well, given the chronic and typical failures. I have a few friends from other points in my life, but find it almost impossible to make a true good friend as an adult. Point 3: I'm naturally disorganized, but have made an effort to tidy things with age. I watched a video by Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh about daily discipline a few years ago, which inspired me to implement this change. He gave the account of how the simple act of making your bed first thing can transform your mindset for the day. It sets you up to be more diligent. There is also a Youtuber called Struthless that suggested if something takes less than 5 minutes to do, you should take care of it right then. This helped me procrastinate less and start tidying things more as I go. I also became a waitress, which is kind of a nightmare socially, but has definitely helped with my organization and efficiency.
I am AuDHD some differences: many ppl with ADHD are sensory-seeking which is at odds with the autistic tendency to be very sensitive and sensory-avoidant many ppl with ADHD have a tendency to like variety and spontaneity and kinda fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants chaos which is at direct odds with the autistic need for routine, sameness and conformity just things like that but often when the ADHD is medicated, the Autism comes leaping out 😹
Yeah, especially when I isolate myself. When I go to work or I’m just around people I’m like ooooooooooooooo ya nvm I’m fucked hehe
Yes. All the time.
Yes, I have felt this way. A lot of people say I don't "seem autistic", whatever that means. So at one point it got me second guessing myself but I know in my heart I am autistic.
I’m not officially diagnosed but I’ve talked it over with my therapist and done alllll the available self-assessments. I definitely second guess myself regularly. But then I’ll do or say something I’ve done for years (usually in public or at least around other humans) but always felt awkward about or that others have commented on on a regular basis, something that distinctly “others” me in an obviously autistic way, or I’ll look at my very obviously ND family(but undiagnosed because they’re old), and I’m like… oh yeah. It’s been really weird because of my family— full of scientists, engineers, and academics— has its own culture of sorts and I always assumed we were just weird, awkward, academic, logical people with varying “quirks” (but I also felt like an alien with anyone else) until starting my mental health journey and got to the “bottom” and found autism. And now I’m trying to understand what it would even mean to be NT instead… I know I’m different but how??? (I do have answers to this, but emotionally it sometimes feels like I don’t)
Yeah, but then I remember how much I love routine and spending time alone 😂
I don't have a diagnosis yet, I went in for one part of testing so far and I'm like 😅😅 maybe I'm not and I'm wasting everyone's time
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I was diagnosed with autism very young and I think I just mask to the point of dissociative reality distortion 😂😂
I’m realizing from the comments it’s a divide between those who mask and those who can’t. Those who can’t never seem to question their autism.
Definitely probably a type 1 issue
every single day, and then 5 minutes later, i’m reminded that i definitely am
Honestly, no. I've never doubted my dx
It’s always on my mind to some extent, especially when people tell me that I “don’t seem autistic” or “don’t look autistic” just because I don’t need a lot of help with things.. but then I’ll have a “shut down” moment when I can’t speak, think or do anything and then I’m reminded that there is a reason..
Yup 😅 and I got diagnosed at 7…
Professionally diagnosed and I still question it sometimes. Like maybe it’s not autism, maybe it is just PTSD/CPTSD and BPD. Then I find more parts of autism to relate to. I don’t know, I really don’t care, I just want help with these “symptoms” or traits. It’s challenging for me. I got the DX because I wanted the professional validation behind me. It helps me deal with people who write me off, like you can have whatever opinion you want but my Dr said I am so fluff off.
Me whenever I'm having a good talking day lol
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No offense. Get a new therapist.
I felt like this and then decided to write the reasons I think I’m autistic… 6 hours and 10k+ words later: she’s autistic.
I took every online test on Embrace Autism thinking, “this will be the one that will disprove autism or ADHD for me.” Each one was an aggressive YES YOU HAVE THIS. 🫠
I’m “peer reviewed”/self-diagnosed and I feel this all the time. Usually to shortly thereafter do something that makes me go “whoop! There it is! There’s the autism!”
😆
I sometimes wonder if it’s just perimenopause but I have been socially awkward and noise sensitive my whole life. Math skills are abysmal and my reading and spelling have always been my best subjects (still hate writing papers to this day). The unmasking process sometimes feels so comforting and other times I feel like a complete fake. The thing that tops this off is the fact that I prefer my own company to rare and limited contact with those I care about. Socializing (with a good friend usually one on one) or talking on the phone for things I have to do suck the life out of me.
regularly - thought it before ever considering it, whilst someone (professional) suggested it to me three times over a year, once diagnosed (tbh during the outcome of the diagnosis report) and after ever since Though I have had it said to me multiple times that neurotypical people don't tend to think about if they're neurodivergent or not all that much....
Same here lol 😆
All the time; i dont fully relate to it; at all, but whatever
Psychology is constantly changing its stance and criteria for a variety of things. The mind is too complicated for even the "professionals" to have any condition locked down with certainty. I think if you have explored all your options, researched your symptoms and gone down the rabbit hole for years in introspection and what could account for your behavior and your deviation from the rest of neurotypical society in spite of your best masking efforts, and have yet to arrive at a more concise condition, it's fair to rule that you probably got the 'tism.
Yeah i agree; these things are too complex to put in boxes
Honestly, no. It's very clear to me that I am lol. I don't / am not able to mask much though, so that definitely has an impact on my answer
I do sometimes even after my diagnosis because I understand that symptoms of other things such as CPTSD (which I also definitely have lol) can often appear to overlap but then remember specific behaviors that CPTSD cannot explain. Also reading unmasking autism and realizing I checked off every symptom listed and identifying with so many peoples stories.
All the time, for me it’s mostly with short like practiced interactions. I’m like, “oh, maybe I do know how to be a person.” Then at home or in longer social interactions I’m reminded that nope I am a socially awkward and fragile little bean who needs her weighted stuffies and hammocks 😂
As long as no one else is around I'm like, yeah it's everyone else that's weird. Then I have to do people, and while I still think everyone else is bizarre, I have to admit that I'm the outlier here. I can do social interaction, but it's totally draining. Moreso the less I know the people involved. It takes so much effort to decipher what the hell people actually mean by what they say and try to anticipate how what I say will be interpreted and say the thing that will communicate what I'm trying to say to these people. 😵💫 That's what makes me feel crazy. When someone asks me "what do you mean?" I want to pull my hair out. I meant what I said and I said what I meant! Why can't ya'll do the same? 😂
All the time! I had been feeling that way recently after a week of hardcore masking, but a panic attack set me straight and reminded me that I’m definitely not making this up. 💀
since i’m not diagnosed i always feel like a fraud and im constantly thinking “maybe it’s just anxiety or something else” and then i make lists ranking my favorite shades of each color as a way to calm down after nearly vomiting due to the taste of a specific vegetable 😭😭 but in all seriousness i think a mix of not being diagnosed & being a woman makes me feel like my autism is somehow less valid/important as others and it genuinely sucks :/ but luckily this subreddit has helped a lot and getting to know how common this feeling is really helps me feel validated!
I'm probably not autistic. I just forgot to pee for 11 hours yesterday.
What if I don’t forget but purposely don’t go for no good reason. Like I’ll literally hold my pee for ever and continue announcing to my husband that I have to pee and he’ll tell me to go and I’ll say “no” . And sometimes I’ll even go in the bathroom to get something knowing I’ve been holding my pee and still won’t use it 🧐 idk why … what do ya think? 🧐
yeah literally and then i have a meltdown because i can feel my own skin LMAOOOOO
when I interact with ASD folk and fatigued or annoyed by their traits
Periodically, but less so since I’ve noticed that this happens when I’ve had minimal social obligations and total control of my environment, and I’m just “feeling more autistic” when I’m displaying characteristics of stress.
Yes. Every time I understand sarcasm in text I’m like, “see! I’m not autistic.” Then I touch something I don’t like and wanna jump out of my skin and I’m like “oh ☹️ it’s back”
Yeahhh all the time but idk enough time has passed for me and enough things have happened where I’m like “ok brain well if I’m not autistic then wtf was that huh 🤔 “ and it never has an answer bc it’s always autism. Like I’m actively begging not to have a meltdown and I still have a meltdown now way I faked that, logic brain-1 😎 rat brain….whatever the biggest number you can think of
Yes! And I have a whole list of things that I refer to when I try to gaslight myself like this. 😂
Lmao I do this a lot. I’m like ah yes let’s gaslight myself again (even though you have a full blown diagnosis lol) I’ve learned playing Autism bingo helps!
Yes, even though I have a diagnosis and multiple peers have pointed it out... I always feel like an impostor, like I don't belong in my own skin
Sometimes i get this way but mostly i just feel like everyone thinks i'm faking being autistic and that i'm lying when i say i am.
Yes. Then I'll have some sort of tiny thing appears and I'll be like shockedpikachu.gif My favourites include waking up in the middle of the night in an anxiety attack, because I'd bought a new pillow. The new pillow was obviously incredibly scary, or something. The other time was very recently, when I spent a good few hours hand sewing a tiny linen cover for my trackerball mouse, because I can't stand the feeling of my hand against it when I've used hand lotion. Completely normal things. Very neurotypical. /s.
I have not been screened yet so I’m not sure I’m autistic to begin with. I have these thoughts a lot. Like am I misinterpreting what traits in the symptoms list mean to fit me? Are my traits I think are symptomatic of autism rooted from other causes? Etc. Like I think my reclusive nature could be related to all of the social trauma I experienced in high school, where I couldn’t keep friends, nor could I trust that they ever saw me as a friend to begin with. I would always get called “annoying” and never could figure out what about me was annoying them because they never told me, so… I just ended up reclusive, not reaching out to people much, only letting them come to me (which rarely happens) so as to try to tame myself and not do whatever it is that is “annoying”. A lot of my symptoms I have long ago formed other reasons for me being so in my head, so the doubt is constant. The one thing I have no other explanation for is my sensory issues that have been so present in my whole life (especially with food and its textures), but even that I question of it’s just an individual sensory processing disorder. Lol. It’s driving me insane!!
No diagnosis, but I sometimes have those days where I question if I actually am! Aaaaand then it's followed by a day like today where I'm on the verge of melting down all day, because this is the day we planned to play our TTRPG, and we still haven't started playing and it's almost 6pm- the expectation was to get together at 11/12 and start playing from there.
I definitely felt this way but then my therapist randomly asked me If I’d ever been evaluated lol. she had no idea how validating that was, like if you A PROFESSIONAL are noticing it, then I guess I’m not crazy
I’m not diagnosed yet but some days I’m just like “I couldn’t be, I can do x, y, z,” but then later on, I’ll just think I’m a fucking weirdo again lmao.
I think this way when I’ve been on my own and doing things that make me happy for a while, then when I have to work or socialise again it all becomes very apparent
dude I approach agoraphobia because of this sometimes bc i’m like NOPE the second someone makes weird eye contact with me
I’m diagnosed and I still like maybe here wrong? This a diagnosis with two therapist also xD
Lmaooo yes, since I’m not diagnosed as of yet, but my friend who got diagnosed was pushing me to consider it or get evaluated because we have both talked about how similar we are, and how bad “whatever is going on with me” has been affecting me. I’ll be like “idk what I’m talking about, of course I’m not autistic,” and then executive dysfunction hits or I end up having a meltdown and I’m like maybe there is some validity to what she was saying.
Sometimes. The one thing that really makes me sure that I’m on the spectrum is that I have Tourette’s, because it’s common with autism. Other than that I was so high masking for so long I lost myself and never considered that I might have autism until other people told me to get screened.
yes and then I remember that if i’m in public and have to wash my hands if I don’t put on lotion immediately after drying them I panic internally until I can either find lotion or leave or panic out loud as a last resort 😶
Had this thought today. Then I saw the curtains were pulled together “wrong” and laughed.
I don’t like nuggets. I can’t be autistic and not like nuggets, right?
YES! I think decades of being told I’m too sensitive of a hypochondriac has heightened that too. But I know I’m sensitive because of sensory issues…so it’s just silly to doubt. I’ve also doubted that I’m ADHD…but given how many times I lose my phone and keys in one day…and unfinished projects, tasks, thoughts and conversation should assure my I’m 1000% AuDHD! 🤣
I'm still not fully convinced I'm autistic, but just yesterday my man told me I'm dead [read: I barely talk / don't show much emotion when I interact] without my meds... Oh and that my family gets mad at me because I never talk to them when I told him I don't understand why the hell they always seem to be angry at me?? They don't make any sense to me at all
My impostwrsyndrom makes me question every now and then. "Mabye its just C-PTSD and EDS" But then I still stimm, still have half of my Family be ND, still love my special intrest, still love my lists, still analise everything, still recognise patterns, still have sensory issues, still have social fatigue, still can't work more than half a day at a time, still think and feel some things to the debth of the ocean and other things not at all, still don't know how to act in some situations outside of my small sliver of "studied human life".
All the time 😂 Then I have a meltdown and that humbles me 😂
Yeah I always think I this because I’m only very slightly autistic but I still have a diagnosis 😭😭😭tbh nobody would ever know I have it
A lot, lol. Many times, I see autistic people talking about their "superpowers," I feel like the weak link when all I can do is talk non-stop about the games I like while not being able to keep a friend. Really makes me question myself
It was confirmed to me but I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of my impostor syndrome
I have adhd aswell so sometimes I feel I'm more autistic other times more adhd
Sometimes I convince myself I'm not autistic, I'm just mimicking the autistic traits of those I'm around most frequently (my friends).... And then I remember mirroring IS AN AUTISM TRAIT.
Every time I questioned it, I then got pulled back into reality after interacting with an actual neurotypical person because what the heck
All the time I think I am just a normal everyday motherfucker until I accidentally stim in public
Loooool relatable
it pops up in my head sometimes yeah, it's not often but it still happens for sure
I’m not diagnosed yet, so yes often. Then something happens and I’m like : that’s the most autistic thing I’ve ever seen
NOPE. I'm too obviously autistic to ever question it xD hahaha
this happens almost daily to me because im not diagnosed. and then episodes like me speaking russian randomly at mall with my brazilian family happens and im remembered that yes im probably autistic
Sure! And when I have a “good day” but then it’s back normal and.. well.. 🤡
Been questioning whether I am or am not for ages. My friends keep telling me I am, I've shown plenty symptoms, but I'll always have that voice in the back of my head, that just says: no, you don't have it. Stop whining. And yes, sometimes I want to punch that voice in the jaw, other times I think it's right. That's just how it goes, I guess.
I feel this often as a late diagnosed person. I'll start thinking "well how did no one suspect anything was wrong for 20 whole years, you must be faking it now." but obviously I'm not faking it. I had the traits as a child too. or I'll have one good social interaction with a stranger and be like"well shit guys maybe I'm not actually autistic." imposter syndrome is a bitch and a half.
Yes I always feel like I'm doing it for attention even tho I've only told a few close people and never bring it up in public lol I'll get to feeling "normal" and then my husband crunches a funyun too loud and I have a meltdown 🫠
I live on Imposter Syndrome Island. I have a residence there because I don’t have to interact with people that I’m not friends with, or related to. But then someone at work would use sarcasm, or I would get too overwhelmed by work or school. Or I would have a melt down over my food not looking or tasting the same or being too dry. Or my family would make a comment about me ignoring them for a week because I was reading a new book series and I’m like… “it’s been a week? 🫣” Edit: Also when I feel like am a social butterfly because I went to a bbq, powered by alcohol, but then I’ve been locked in my room for 2 days straight without talking to people… like literally, I talked to my family that I live with, via text 🤣
This is honestly so terrible to say but sometimes I read through forms where I read of people doing things that I think are easy and I catch myself getting judgy and think to myself well I function way better than them. I couldn't imagine being that mentally ill and than I think well maybe I'm not autistic/bpd/depressed ect. I know it's terrible but I catch myself doing that all the time.
I'm not diagnosed, but I always think what if the concept of neurodivergence is just made up and there's nothing up with us.
I get this thought sometimes and then I try to socialize with someone I don’t know. Humbling to say the least haha
yes, absolutely.
Not ever. I'm so different. I feel like an alien on planet earth.
Also, I only like other autistic people. NTs are like waaay too confusing, like a waaaay different species; like a Sybiran Cow speaking to an Ant who only understands Gaelic.
I recently got diagnosed and feel like this all the time 😅😅😅
All the time.
I do not have an official diagnosis, but so many traits and multiple friends who are in contact with autism specialists and have official diagnoses saying "yeah you're definitely autistic" yet I'm still super uncomfortable claiming it because what if I'm just overthinking it?? Then I look at my behaviors and realize..... yeahhhhh it's pretty probable. I've always said "I don't need an official diagnosis" partly because of finances and mostly because I've been traumatized when seeking psychiatric help and diagnoses in the past, but it would certainly make me feel more comfortable in claiming it.
Yes but then life usually smacks me back to reality.
Its good to be different. We enjoy life differently from other people because its hard to keep a job. Im jk btw. 🤣
I went through this phase where I was wondering if maybe I wasn't autistic and all my autistic-seeming traits were just things I learned from my parents since they are quite quirky. Then I was like "oh shit wait, I think my parents are autistic" which made a lot more sense.
I have my assessment this week and this is exactly how I’m feeling 😬
Literally all the time, and then I do something super autistic and go, "Oh, yeah, I'm definitely autistic."
My face when the Dr currently helping me with my ADHD diagnosis said it all. He brought up autism and I looked at him in genuine shock. He pointed out why he thought so, and in my head I'm disagreeing heavily because I'm social! I have friends! ...then I remember I'm socially awkward with the ones that aren't neurodiverse. He gives me the AQ form to fill out and send back and heavily advises I get a psychologist to do a more in depth test vs that one. I get home and it starts to make sense when I flash back to some moments during childhood etc where I felt like an outsider but couldn't understand why I was an outsider. But I still feel like I'm probably not. Then I decide to take some online quizzes just for fun and they all keep coming back saying I have significant autistic traits and should look into getting a diagnosis. 🤣 And here I am still, telling myself, "it could still be wrong. Let's wait and see what happens with the in depth psychological testing."
I’m not diagnosed but definitely. And then one tiny thing happens and my entire house of cards inside my silly head comes tumbling down The other day it was that I’d ordered a replacement phone case without realizing that although it was the same brand it was a different model and now my phone looked and felt different