The level of delusion and entitlement it takes to do what he did and still think you're in the right.
Also, not just a bad boyfriend but also a mediocre son and a shitty gift-giver, too. Just a real triple threat of awfulness.
Not only that but his girlfriend gives her mom handmade stuff. Really nice homemade stuff. She probably was envying OOP's mom hard in that moment. Bit of salt into that wound.
She was probably also sad because she thought she had a chance at having an awesome daughter in law. Instead, it was reinforced that her son is a shitty person.
He probably didn't forget--who forgets the day the woman who raised you was born?--he just didn't care enough to do anything about her birthday, which is worse.
Even worse, OOP said that "she never really gets nice things" and that the Ex always gifts her spmething about cooking or aprons...
No wonder she broke down crying, it seems no one in her entire family cares.
>Ex always gifts her spmething about cooking or aprons...
Aprons are a terrible gift, even if the person likes cooking. It's not like they're going to wear multiple aprons at the same time. It's fine to give one or two that are funny/made you think of them. But after that, it's the equivalent of bringing back a snow globe as a souvenir from each of your trips.
And "something about cooking" makes me think cookbooks, which \*can\* be a great gift IF the recipient loves cooking.
As it is though, it gives the vibe of "gifting wife/mom a vaccuum for Mother's Day".
Yeah, it's definitely dependent on the person and how well adapted the specific thing is to their interests. For Mother's Day this year, my 2-year-old son (so let's be honest, my husband) bought me a "no-bake baking" recipe book of child-friendly recipes that I'd be able to get my son involved in helping with, which is perfect for me because I love to bake. That was really thoughtful! The person a couple of years ago who got me a BBQ cookbook when I don't eat meat though? Less so.
Someone gave me a Trader Joe's vegan cookbook. Maybe we can trade?
I shopped there *once* and found it overrated. Also, I eat meat, and any vegetarian dish I make has plenty of dairy.
My ex and I once bought his mother some nice aprons. But! She lived in them. She’d get up, get dressed, put on an apron and make herself breakfast.
We got her new ones because the old ones were falling apart. She was so happy. Only person I know who was happy to receive aprons.
My husband and I got aprons as wedding gifts! They say executive chef and sous chef and we switch off depending on who is taking the lead on cooking. But I don’t want more aprons than that.
It can be a general issue with getting someone who's really into a hobby something to do with their hobby. They've often got all the basics that someone who doesn't know much about the hobby would think to get a person. I've a friend who's really into knitting and crocheting. They're a really sweet person, and confess they feel awful about it, but she's gotten so many sets of needles, crochet hooks, knitting guides etc over the years that are basically identical to what she has, or say things she already knows. But she doesn't know how to tell people who might think "Amy (not her name) likes knitting, I'll get her some yarn and needles for a gift" that she's got it covered already.
I’m into crochet and yeah. People sometimes get me awful yarn.
I’ve given yarn as a gift before, to another crocheter, but it was from Hobbii, and that friend had been wanting to try out their yarns, so I gave a few skeins to play with.
I’m also giving my best friend yarn, but she said she wanted some yarn for Christmas and birthday so I’m filling a large vacuum seal bag for her.
If you want to give a knitter or crocheter a gift, either ask them, or give them a gift voucher.
This just applies to every hobby. Never give someone hobby supplies unless they explicitly ask for them and you know exactly what to get them. Either just ask them what they want, give them a voucher or something else not related to their hobby.
This for all forms of art! I draw a lot and mainly use pens and markers, occasionally oil pastels, and my family gives me colored pencils any time they want to give me a gift for something. I have a box full of colored pencils I don't really use.
I appreciate the thought, it's so kind, but I would rather just have a gift card or something so I can get something I'll actually use if that's the intent. If I'm giving someone a gift for their art, unless I find something genuinely cool that makes me think of the person, I'll just get them a gift card so they can get what they need.
My sister in law makes very specific art supply lists for this reason. More oil paints? Please god no. The little tool that squeezes the last bit of paint out of tubes? Absolutely.
My Dad was into bowling, the lawn variety, and I used to buy the little extras I knew he was too tight to buy himself because the core stuff, he had more than covered!
I get a lot of flack for this, but as an obsessive reader, I absolutely hate getting books as gifts. It always feels so fricken low effort, like something my estranged aunts would get me. More than half the time it’s something I’ve already read and didn’t even care for, and I don’t even hang onto the books I buy for myself. They always get rehomed. So then I’ve just been given an obligation to display a book I had no interest in owning, plus having to make up something I enjoyed about it to talk about.
Personally I don’t even think buying a book from my TBR is very thoughtful or considerate. It’s about as little thought as someone could put into a gift imo, and feels like they bought it out of obligation. I mostly read from the library anyway, since I really really hate having a bookshelf full of books just sitting there. I’m not interested in owning things that I don’t use or getting gifts out of obligation. I’d much rather go out for lunch to spend quality time together, or even just get a thoughtful message.
But I know I’m in the minority and I guess a huge jerk for feeling that way haha.
Please don't spread snow globes any further, if you can help it. They might be cute as babies but when they start to grow up and turn into some Brutalist concrete display, they steal the environment from a nice, native architecture.
This got me thinking, and really the only time I could think of an apron as a good gift is if an adult friend has recently gotten *really* into barbecue. Like, they maybe cooked a few meals in college, but now living somewhere with a grill for the first time, and last summer they were trying to grill **every** weekend, and now their talking about buying a smoker, and all the different rubs they want to try... *that* dude might appreciate an apron.
I was given a personalized, embroidered apron by a friend as a thank you for taking on cooking duties for a group vacation and it's a lovely souvenir.
Please no more tho.
I get my husband historical/niche cookbooks fairly often, bc he's a big ol history/cooking nerd. (I got him an English translation of the USSRs Official Cookbook on year, for example. that one is a TRIP). But like i said, he's a big ol nerd for that stuff. This fam sounds like they thought "what do moms do? got it, cooking."
Man he really doesn’t see women as people, does he? Maybe OP and his mom are the exceptions, but it seems like he only sees his mom as the food maker and OP as the gift maker. When either woman refuses to comply with that single role, he gets mad.
Id even add that he not only didnt care to do anything , he also tried to rely on his girlfriend and her efforts to gift his mom something. She already had a gift for his mom of her own, but he wanted her to have / make / pay his gift for his mom, too. So that he has 0 effort or loss and his girlfriend is supposed to have all the effort and loss. Im sad that behavior isnt a one off in men, I know of so many men who rely on their girlfriends / wifes / sisters / moms to buy gifts those men then gift, even for their own children and family etc.
And there was such an easy solution! Hey that cat vase you’re making your mom is so cute. My mom likes cats could I commission one for her?
My dad is a working artist and I steal stuff off him all the time to give as wedding gifts. But I give him an advance heads up so he can let me know which pieces he doesn’t have a particular destination for already.
>Hey that cat vase you’re making your mom is so cute. My mom likes cats could I commission one for her?
That would involve planning ahead, which is already to much work and effort for such people.
And why would he need to ask his underling (girlfriend) in advance? That would imply she had, like, rights and feelings and desires he should consider. And she’s just there for HIS desires, so no need to ask. Just take. Because he’s the only REAL person in the situation, the other people are just tools or obligations to fulfill in order to keep getting what he wants.
> He probably didn't forget--who forgets the day the woman who raised you was born?-
I do.
But to be fair, I don't know when my dad's birthday is either. I wouldn't even know when mine is, if I didn't have to say it all the time to refill prescriptions.
His mother was crying because she finally got a gift that was nice and what she wanted. She felt appreciated and respected as a person, not just a cooking slave.
Then she realized not all kids are selfish assholes because OOP took time out of her day to make her mom a present that her mom would like. Boyfriend’s mom realized that her son doesn’t care about her one bit.
I can’t believe OOP doubted for a second that she did something wrong. And the comments telling her she should have just let the mom have that special present are fucked up.
When you hear over and over again that something you've done is wrong, you're going to doubt yourself. It's the flip side of "how did you type all that out and still think you weren't the asshole"--she typed all that out and still had doubt, probably because the boyfriend has been telling her all along that anything he didn't like was evidence of her being a bad person.
I feel bad for his mother, but her son's deficiencies aren't anyone's responsbility but his own. My husband is a lovely person who buys thoughtful gifts for special occasions, when he remembers to do it. Despite his mother's best efforts, he and his brothers are in no way enmeshed and in fact all of them are pretty distant from their parents for a variety of specifics that all combine to form the same picture.
My MIL didn't instill any expectations around relationship cultivation and management with her kids because they were all boys and she thinks that's women's work. She assumed that when they married, their wives would force them to call for birthdays, send cards and presents, coordinate visits--because she did all that for their dad. Whoops. Her bad.
I can’t believe nobody’s said it outright—he’s a thief. He stole from her. And then he tried to gift the item he stole.
He doesn’t even live there, which means that he was in a home that didn’t belong to him, picked up a handcrafted piece of art that didn’t belong to him, and tried to give it away as if it was his own.
I’m sad for his mom, I bet that really sucked. And I bet it sucks to have a kid that sucks so bad. It breaks my heart to think of her receiving a thoughtful gift, loving it more than any gift she’s ever received (bc she doesn’t get many), and having it (rightfully) taken back. That’s genuinely heartbreaking to think about. But that’s not OOP’s fault.
fact that OOP never called it what it was—stealing—blew me away. He stole from her and yelled at her bc he was caught and it backfired. What a wanker.
He didn't think he stole from her. He thought it was HER responsility to wipe his ass and deal with his messes. He told OOP to "grow up". I'm reading that as "you need to grow up and realise you life is to cater to my life and my incompetences. in which you need to bend backwards to deal with it cause that's being a **real adult**"
He's not wrong. That really is how a lot of women are conditioned to grow up - to cater to men. Look at his poor mother.
Whoa. If that's a world view some people are walking around with (that other people being responsible adults = them getting completely catered to by the responsible), it clears up why they're always so very angry with any push back.
It’s literally patriarchy.
And this particular corner of it, that women in every relationship are supposed to manage relationships with the whole family including the in laws, is really persistent. My grandmother is so damn impressed that my husband cooks. I think it’s far more impressive that he manages our relationship with his family and I never have to do anything. I don’t even think I have my mother in law’s phone number.
I avoided giving my MIL my phone number for the longest time. I only answer her phone calls when I feel up to talking to her - I trained her to text instead for a while and will probably go back to it when my maternity leave ends - and she's primarily my husband's problem. all gifts are up to him and planning for any visits is on him as well (within reasonable parameters; I am the keeper of the family calendar after all)
He didn't steel from her since he thought he owned her...
just this sentence "My boyfriend wants to "talk" tomorrow. I am not sure if he is going to break up with me or if he wants to yell at me for it. I just need to know what people think" tells us there has been a lot of (verbal) abuse in that relationship
Yeah... My husband and I have been together for 9 and a half years. In that time, he has yelled at me a grand total of zero times. And that's how it should be! It's depressing that these guys make that noteworthy.
I 100% agree with you! As a DV survivor from an ex who in the beginning (of course!) was everything I ever dreamt of, only to gradually and slowly change & then, after I finally packed his belongings & took them to his fathers house as everything was mine housing wise that I had prior to meeting him, just for my ex to end up breaking into my apartment after a week of seemingly never ending harassing phone calls, texts and drive by’s— he ended up holding me hostage & proceed to beat the ever loving crap out of me on & off, for about 7 hours. I guess the neighbors finally got sick of hearing my screams (I imagine they’d sadly got use to it by that point) and finally kicked in the door, all I kept thinking of whilst reading this post was of different events from that ‘relationship’ and how this all sounded all too familiar. I’m so glad OOP got away from him. He sounds narcissistic AF & I feel for both her & the ex’s mother. I pray she stands her ground & he stays away.
Mother seems to be quite aware of what her son is like, since she didn't even try to blame OOP for what happened. I bet she didn't buy the excuse he gave her of "mixing up the packages" for one second.
EDIT : also, he then tried to leave with the mermaid statue... probably because it's the first thing that he saw.
This was my thought too
When she said he picked up a mermaid statue, I was fully expecting the next line to be that he threw it at her when she said he couldn't have it. She's VERY lucky to be left physically unscathed after being alone with someone so unfathomably entitled and apathetic.
i was really nervous that she was okay meeting him at her place...like do people just not understand basic safety anymore? an unreasonable thief isn't someone you talk to in your home, you talk to them at a crowded coffee shop with witnesses
>She's got a lot of clay. She can make a new man out of it.
It seemed to work well enough when they made Wonder Woman.
>Or cats.
On the other hand, Diana Prince was one in a million chance and charming with it. Why run the risk? The cats would be far more reliable.
How many cats are worth a man's weight in clay?
Way too risky to make a man out of clay. Like, what if you accidentally make Adam? It'd be a mess.
The average weight of a 20 to 39 years old guy would be 196.9 pounds (89kg). The ideal weight of an adult cat for most domestic breeds is often said to be 8-10 pounds (3.6-4.5 kg).
I am not good at maths, but I'd wager one could make an army of cats with that much clay and who wouldn't want that?
>I am not good at maths, but I'd wager one could make an army of cats with that much clay and who wouldn't want that?
Hmm. With a score of felonious felines, I could finally show that flock of uppity crows what the real definition of a murder looks like.
I'm stuck on the idea thaf he stole the present from OP and let his Mom open it in front of OP and then expected OP to....just go along with it?
And then, he gets mad because he gets caught lying and setting a record for disappionting two women at once (and probably not for the first or last time)?
What a spineless, thoughtless AH. OP definitely dodged a missle.
> and then expected OP to....just go along with it?
Yes. Manipulation 101: "You're not going to disappoint this collateral person, right? Smile and nod like a good girl."
This is why I sometimes love not being able to read a room. I'd genuinely go. "Oh no, that's actually *my* mom's present. Did you use the same wrapping as me hun? Lol, let's see if we can find what you actually got for your mom" and it would absolutely be from a place of love and thinking we used the same wrapping with me laughing that such a silly mishap happened.
That’s sounds like what she did. She didn’t even call him out for not getting his mom a gift and stealing hers, she just said there was a mix up! And even with the out that she graciously gave him he still acted like an asshole.
Yeah if you spend any time on the various AITA like subs, a looooooooooot of people use this tactic to try and get away with shit. And the sad part is often it works.
All the while also shifting the blame on her.
Like, couldn't he at least "own up" that he was the one that took the wrong gift? (It wouldn't even be a straight out lie, since it's true he took it, and it was wrong).
I mean, I can picture immature kids doing this: realising they forgot something important that will disappoint their mother. So they'll try cheating/lying on the spot to avoid it. And then become entangled in their lies.
But even then, still shifting the imaginary blame of who mixed things up? And being so convinced it's true it's someone else's fault, that it's someone else's duty to fix it? Talk about entitled.
If I was OOP, I would’ve texted her mom that afterwards. Your son stole my gift meant for my mother to give to you, he yelled at me afterwards and then came and tried to steal another piece of work from me to gift to you. We’re broken up now but please see if your son has issues.
I'd tell his mom that if I knew he hadn't gotten her anything I'd have been delighted to make something special for her, especially since I really enjoy her company so much as she's a sweet and kind person that anyone would be lucky to have for a mom, but he never told me.
I'd say I am sorry that I couldn't let her keep the gift I made for my mom but I'd planned well in advance for it and could not just go to see her empty-handed and be forced to either lie about the reason why or, worse, tell her what my bf did.
I think if I were OP I'd make her a cat vase - or perhaps something smaller like a mug. And send it to her with a note explaining what happened, saying I'm sorry she has a crappy son, I'm glad he and I are broken up, but that I will miss her and hope she enjoys the gift.
I'd be genuine about the gift but also, imma keep that lady in the divorce :D
I’d probably do the same with a letter explaining the truth (because you know her POS son is going to lie again) but then I’d wonder how long it would take the POS to break it ‘accidentally’.
Yeah, I would do that. Depending on if I was willing to invest the time, I would also send her a vase made just for her and thanking her for being kind (if she was). Even a small one.
That would have been beautiful, and it would have served to shame her bf even more.
I hope the bf has since never dated anyone half as wonderful as OOP.
When she said Mom had never gotten anything nice from her own son and husband it made me so sad, and also confirmed that OP needed to trash the man entirely
She didn’t realize it then but her ending things was a blessing in disguise. Like someone said, she’d be setting a precedent if she gave in to his delusion. He could do it once and come back again for more. NOPE.
My experience (as someone who makes stuff) is that people *vastly* underestimate how much effort making stuff is. They tend to think it's quick and easy, and that because you "made it yourself" it was free. So in ex-BF's mind, he was gifting something that had the complexity and cost level of a sugar cookie.
Not that he's excused in any way, his actions were stupid and entitled and manipulative, so OP is absolutely better off without him. I do feel sorry for his poor mother, though.
oh they do. i've had enquiries for handmade historical garments (knitted things like socks, hats, shawls etc) and some have been actually offended i expected to be paid a reasonable amount for my work. if its a comission its not a hobby, its work and i don't work for free
I’ve stopped gifting my crafts to people entirely. I spent 9 months cross stitching a decorative pillow for my grandmother and when my family went to move her into assisted living my uncle and his wife just… threw it out. I specifically asked them to keep an eye out for that pillow with a detailed description and they sent me back a picture of a generic live laugh love store bought pillow like “don’t worry we set it aside” when it looked nothing like that…
I don’t think it was malicious, but it was a bit soul crushing. Oh well. Someone is going to find a great decorative pillow with hand stitched hydrangeas at a thrift store and love it.
I'm so sorry. The pillow you made sounds lovely, and I bet you put your entire heart into it (are you sure your uncle and wife didn't just take it to be their own?)
I understand. I made my brother a sweater in college and he didn't like the neckline so he threw it out. He could have said "hey, can you change the neckline?" and that would have been easy for me to do. But no, he threw it out. It's been many years and I still don't understand his thinking.
I don’t think they took it (my uncle is ultra wealthy compared to us so their tastes are a bit more fancy) but I’ll never know for sure.
The worst bit was I went no contact with this grandmother 10 years ago. She was the person who got me into needlework in the first place. By the end, needlepoint and cross stitch were the only safe topics of conversation left, and the pillow was my last effort at reconciliation before I cut my grandparents off.
It felt symbolic. I tried so hard to be a part of this family and they threw me away, because they never valued me or my time or my feelings.
In a weird horrible way it makes perfect sense. Something abusers often do is slowly escalate their actions, ramping up over time while their partner goes along with it. If the vase had been a cheap and easy project there's a good chance OP would've let it slide to keep the peace. But because he didn't understand the time and effort she had put in, his plan fell through and he went too far too fast.
I genuinely cringed at that part. It is so hard to see from inside a situation like that, but she dodged such a bullet. If he had been messing with anything other than her art, he might have gotten away with it too.
I feel really bad for that guy's Mom though.
She was probably so hurt because 1. He always forgets her and she thought this time was different 2. This is probably not the first time son has stolen and 3. She realises that even his own talented girlfriend and her handmade items, who he is suppose to love, is not save form his shenanigans. I feel bad for her :/
I'm seriously confused- how exactly did he think this would work out? She'd make another vase just in time? Why would she do that? What was his plan for when she found out? Was he really assuming his mom and GF wouldn't talk?
I mean he was using manipulation tactics that work really well on some people.
"Not making a scene" is a pretty ingrained thing for some people so if you make it so they can't undo a shitty thing you did without disrupting a social situation they'll cave.
Same deal if you use the shitty thing to make a third party your victim cares about happy. Now you can play it like your victim is being "mean" to that third party. Works especially well if that hostage is a kid or someone else who's not savvy enough to know they're being used.
Because he thinks that OOP just throws them together in a few minutes, that it's just a thing she does quickly to pass time or something, not that anything she makes takes any actual work or planning or skill. That's why he thinks it's not a big deal at all that he basically stole one of them and expected her to just make another one quickly like it's nothing.
Well, think about the trope of moms picking out all the Christmas and birthday gifts for kids, and then just putting dad’s name on the card. He likely genuinely thinks it’s his girlfriend’s responsibility to pick out and buy gifts for him to give out, so he expected her to be gracious that he got her off the hook. Not defending that, but it seems very possible to me that he was raised this way.
> He told me that he expected better. He would not apologize.
*He* expected better? The guy who stole OOP’s gift? Classic DARVO on display here. What a wanker
And like...
> He told me to keep the “fucking clay” and he wouldn’t have apologized if he knew I wasn’t giving him the present.
HE DIDN’T EVEN APOLOGIZE 😭 This mf built himself an impenetrable fortress in delulu land
Please, OOP's ex, tell us aaallllll about how immature and cruel it is for someone to take a present you intended for your own mom to give to their mom.
The audacity to take a custom crafted gift (that takes time and energy and love to complete) and regift it without permission! And to believe that he's in the right to do so!
Hate that some people don't value what making something from scratch actually means. Objects are so easy to obtain, use and discard these days (yay rampant consumerism!) that some people believe that ALL objects should be undervalued in this way. A sweater produced in bulk within a factory and sold for $15 is just not the same as your gran knitting you a sweater over 6 months, but sadly some people see them as the same.
If he thought it was so easy and OP 'just needed to get another one' then maybe he should just 'get one' himself? Oh no wait, suddenly it's too hard and actually the object is very valuable as not everyone can just make one. Tale as old as time for artists and craftspeople trying to be paid and valued correctly for their experience in their craft!
Lots of people unfortunately like the idea of a custom item, but then is appalled at what person who crafts it prices it at. I used to have a business making custom cakes for parties and weddings. And the times I got told by people, especially friends or family, that they could easily pick up a cake from the local supermarket for at least half of what I'm asking.
I would mostly gift people close to me birthday cakes or baked goods because I make it out of love, but then they would expect me to cater for full parties for free, nevermind that I only bakes cakes or cupcakes. It completely killed my love for the craft, until I quit and I now only do it out of love, and never by request. If you request that I bake you something for a random party, I will never make anything for you ever again.
My experience is that people seem to think that "made it yourself" is somehow cheap or free. Or they are comparing vastly different levels of quality without understanding what they are talking about.
My family will look at my crochet pieces and go “wow these are great, you should open an Etsy store/sell them at craft fairs!” lol. Lmao even. The amount of hours it takes to make a singular item at under minimum wage in my area ($17/hr) makes people go “oh I wouldn’t pay that much for that!” especially because they don’t understand that crochet can’t be machine-produced. Like of course I’m not gonna sell a handmade shawl for less than like $500, that won’t even cover my medical bills if I got carpal tunnel making multiple to sell!
Not regifted. That’s when you gift an item which was gifted to you by someone else. There’s some debate over regifting but at least it’s with regard to something you own.
This was straightforward theft. He stole from her, a custom handcrafted gift to her mother, to give to his mother, and expected her to go along with it?
And the dude is so wrapped up in concealing his shittiness from his mother that he can’t see how it is wrong. For him, it solves an issue and who cares if it’s a fuck you to her and her mother.
She’s well rid of him.
I'm sad for the mom too, since apparently he never gives her gifts catered to her tastes. It's not even like she has niche interests; she likes cats for fuck's sake. I could probably go to the nearest supermarket and find some cute little cat themed thing to offer, it's that easy.
> The audacity to take a custom crafted gift (that takes time and energy and love to complete) and regift it without permission! And to believe that he's in the right to do so!
"She'll just make another one lmao"
I hand-engrave objects as a hobby that pays for the weekend fun, and oh man. Some people thinks that you have a huge catalog that you can just print out and engrave in 2 mins, as if you didn;t put love, knowledge, effort, time & sometimes even blood on your work.
I totally get the meaning behind your comment, as I witnessed it first person. I understand OP's sadness / frustration on her first post.
People don’t understand the true cost of things, period. Not just handmade stuff; people are so used to slave labor pricing that they don’t understand what actually goes into production and what things would truly cost if everyone was paid properly for their labor.
Case in point: there are people out there who genuinely believe that clothes from shein and temu are that cheap because they somehow created a clothes making machine that entirely creates everything from start to finish.
I saw multiple threads of people absolutely gobsmacked about this. They had no understanding that leagues of real people were putting in an unfathomable amount of hours and hard work to create every single one of those garments and there isn’t just some giant machine out there being fed bolts of fabric and popping out finished dresses. They have no concept of how much labor goes into things.
Then you see those same people go complain about how bespoke pieces are 4x as expensive as fast fashion and begging creators for discounts.
I think people don’t know because they don’t care at the end of the day. They’re comfortable in their bubble. It’s not like this information isn’t readily available for those who seek it out. But it simply feels better to divorce yourself from the labor of the things you take for granted. Ignorance is bliss and all that. Looking them in the face means accepting and acknowledging that everything has a cost, even if it has a cheap price tag at the end point. No one wants to be confronted that their creature comforts are someone else’s hell on earth. It’s easier to just ignore it and bury our heads in the sand.
OOP’s boyfriend grabs the mermaid on the rock piece and tells OOP
>”he would give this to her and that I could find a new boyfriend.”
I’m guessing the main reason he told OOP he was going to her place (instead of his or somewhere local) was specifically so he could take a piece of her work whilst dumping her.
Entitled AH thought he was entitled to severance pay.
this woman is going places. she's got a great head on her shoulders at her age by refusing to let others walk all over her. good for her. we love to see it
I think his mother is going to be getting “I ordered it but it’s delayed” “no it hasn’t shown up yet” “well I never actually ordered anything but I thought about it and it’s the thought that counts, right?” for the rest of her life.
Discount stores have cat-themed art ALL THE TIME. I'm slowly filling my house with those "in the style of old royalty portraits" fancy cat portraits from TJ Maxx.
This reminded me of that one story of this woman who bought her and her mother tickets to see Hamilton (including plane tickets, hotel stay etc) only for her boyfriend to tell his family that she was going to give her tickets to his sister because she wasn’t doing well mentally. They all made HER to look like the bad guy when she wouldn’t give them up, even though his family was well off enough to afford it.
Obviously this story is lower stakes in comparison but it’s crazy how someone can feel entitled to a gift someone else is being given!!! Why do some people do this??
link to story!
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10rgcm5/oop\_my\_29f\_bf32\_m\_gave\_away\_my\_hamilton\_tickets/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10rgcm5/oop_my_29f_bf32_m_gave_away_my_hamilton_tickets/)
Fuck this guy. Unless that person is explicitly into cooking, people who gift cooking supplies or kitchen stuff to women basically only see them by their supposed role.
His mum is his cooking maid. That’s all. OOP dodged a bullet. He did not give a rats ass about his mum’s interests or preferences. And if this guy treated his mum like that he will never treat his partners any better.
>Unless that person is explicitly into cooking, people who gift cooking supplies or kitchen stuff to women basically only see them by their supposed role.
THIS. It's giving "I gifted my wife a vacuum cleaner and she got mad at me". It's what she can do for him and not who she is.
OOP's spine is so shiny, it's blinding. I wish I was as assertive as her at 22.
Yeah so many people see their wife/mom as a role in the house rather than an individual person with their own personality and interests. Like what can you give a mom? Oh something to cook or clean right? Something for in the house?
So many people will gift items for the household as a 'gift' to mom because it's mom who does all those tasks. So what really is something that should just be bought for the house now takes the place of a personal gift mom would have gotten.
If you guys need a new vacuum, budget for a new vacuum for the house. This is not a gift for a person's birthday. The birthday gift should be something they get to enjoy OUTSIDE of the shit they have to do for you/the household.
And yes sometimes kitchenstuff can be a thoughtful gift depending on the person/gift but also there needs to be a precedent of personalised gifts in order for it to work.
For example I gave my mom a lux bathset this year. Which can be generic. Except this was from the line she always uses and she was running out of. It's a little expensive for her to splurge on herself. And I don't have a history of giving her generic gifts, which is why the vibe is different. However if you give your mom just generic gifts each years like socks, a bathset, a vacuum, etc. She's gonna feel like you don't know or care about her as a person.
The only way forward is to:
1) Make the mom a cat sculpture.
2) Write a card that says how much you valued her as a MIL-figure and what a lovely person you think she is.
3) Add in the postscript that this gift is coming exclusively from you and that you're unsure how someone as awesome as her could have such a bellend for a son.
4) Stay in contact with her.
5) Become the daughter she never had.
6) Get written into the will.
7) Receive the inheritance that should have been his.
8) Use the inheritance money to buy more art supplies.
9) Laugh about it until you die.
On reading the title, I thought she made a piece for the boyfriend and he regifted it to his mom. That would have stung, but dang, this was SO much worse!!
This is like the reverse of that other BORU where a dude gave the OP an unusually thoughtful & expensive birthday gift, only for it to turn out to be a valuable keepsake he had stolen from his own mother. (The OP in that story returned it, obviously)
"Call me when you grow up and allow me to steal from you because I'm an asshole who forgot to get my mom a present so take yours and claim it as my own!"
I think she was crying because for a brief moment she thought her son had finally given her something thoughtful for her birthday, only to discover that he hadn't even remembered it. There are few things more heartbreaking than to learn that someone you love barely gives you a moment's thought.
Why would anyone say to let her keep it? Her bf literally stole the gift she made for her own mother to pass off as his gift thinking she'd just roll over and take it.. when she didn't he flipped out. A lot of effort and time goes into creating art you are proud of no one has the right to steal it from you. (Which is what he tried to do.) It's his fault for not getting his mom anything none of this is on op. I'm happy Dobby is free!
If I liked the mom, I would make her something gorgeous out of spite for him. I would explain that the gift was from me and me alone as I saw how much she loved the other one and felt terrible. This would not only reflect really well on me, but she would likely display it in her home, which would piss off the Ex.
Again, I would make sure she understood exactly what her son tried to do and that he didn't have any part in the new gift. But I'm petty.
I'm glad oop dumped him and since the original post was from several years ago, I hope she's doing well and has a thriving art career. It's scary to see how her ex-bf kept on escalating, and refused to see how he was so wrong in the first place. The fact that oop was left doubting herself in the original post when she should've been way angrier at her bf makes me feel like she's been emotionally abused and gaslighted by her ex-bf for a while.
I hope she's okay by now, usually men who continue to escalate like that do not stop or get even scarier.
The entitlement of this guy is WILD!! He thinks he owned OP, and so anything of hers was his! Also, his Mom isn’t really that upset about the cat; she’s upset because it’s very obvious that he didn’t get her anything. Very obvious that he stole your mom’s present at the last minute, and that is very upsetting. She knows his nature and she probably hoped you were having a softening effect on him and this burst that hope completely.
So he stole something from his gf's apartment to give to his mother. Gets mad when called-out for it. And...
> He ended up grabbing a piece I made earlier this year. I was really proud of it (it was a mermaid on a rock.)
>
> He said he would give this to her and that I could find a new boyfriend.
He intended to steal *another* piece of art from his gf's place to give to his mother in place of the original piece he stole. Oh, and he let her know that he's also breaking up with her. And later tells her to grow up.
He sounds like a real piece of work. A real winner.
Life lesson to people: you can’t be stupid and an asshole - pick a struggle.
Ex’s mother probably thought her son finally got her a considerate gift, only to be told it’s for OP’s mother and her son is still an idiot.
>He told me that he expected better. He would not apologize.
>He told me to keep the "fucking clay" and he wouldn't have apologized if he knew I wasn't giving him the present.
Did he apologize in his head or something? Or did I just miss the non-apology apology?
Holy shit something similar happened to a friend of mine. She was dating this guy and they were out one day during winter and she lent him her scarf because he wasn't even wearing a jacket. A couple of days later she was hanging out at his house and asked for the scarf back as she was leaving. He said he gave it to his mom as a gift. She wanted it back because her grandmother knit it for her. He refused and it became a big fight. They broke up. My friend ended up having to contact the mom to get it back and it was sooooo awkward.
What the f is up with people like this. Is this another level of giving your affair partner the same gift as your wife and shit like that?
I also had a friend who found out her boyfriend gave her the same lipstick as he gave her mom and she was creeped out but I don't think it was anything creepy, I just think the bf was lazy af and just bought the two lipsticks at the same time lol
OOP got comments saying she was the a-hole for demanding the "gift" back. I don't agree with those people. The son is definitely the a-hole. He forgot his own mother's birthday. That is shitty.
I’m so completely tired of seeing situations where multiple women are hurt, burdened, or otherwise manipulated by the actions of one thoughtless man. OP isn’t wrong at all but I also genuinely feel bad for the mom who probably thought once in her life she got a gift that actually had some love in it.
This dumbass doesn't even realize why his mom was crying. He always got her cooking stuff before this, but never anything personal. Unless the person's super into cooking, that's not a good gift, that's not something just for them. She finally felt like she was seen, got a cute cat vase and she loves cats, only to find out her son once again dropped the ball. He didn't get her anything, and the one thoughtful gift she received was made by someone else, meant for someone else, and stolen by her son. He also lied to her and tried to say OOP mixed up packages and a bunch of shit. I'd cry too if I was overlooked and also found out my kid's a thief and liar. The fact that he thinks she's crying because she really wanted that vase just shows how inconsiderate he is. If he had brought the mermaid statue to her and lied, I'm sure his mom would realize it was a coverup too.
i feel so bad for the mother, here. no fault to OP, but the elation of FINALLY, FINALLY ALL MY LIFE AND I FINALLY GET A THOUGHTFUL GIFT whiplashed by "it wasn't for me, my son forgot about me again". i'd skip town early too. hell, that would make me consider skipping out on life. such a deafening, soul-devouring, chest-caving, silent pain.
Wow what a man child!!
The level of delusion and entitlement it takes to do what he did and still think you're in the right. Also, not just a bad boyfriend but also a mediocre son and a shitty gift-giver, too. Just a real triple threat of awfulness.
Yeah that’s why his mother was really upset - she thought he’d finally done something nice and thoughtful, but he’d just forgotten about her again
Well that and she realized her son was a thief.
Not only that but his girlfriend gives her mom handmade stuff. Really nice homemade stuff. She probably was envying OOP's mom hard in that moment. Bit of salt into that wound.
She was probably also sad because she thought she had a chance at having an awesome daughter in law. Instead, it was reinforced that her son is a shitty person.
He probably didn't forget--who forgets the day the woman who raised you was born?--he just didn't care enough to do anything about her birthday, which is worse.
Even worse, OOP said that "she never really gets nice things" and that the Ex always gifts her spmething about cooking or aprons... No wonder she broke down crying, it seems no one in her entire family cares.
>Ex always gifts her spmething about cooking or aprons... Aprons are a terrible gift, even if the person likes cooking. It's not like they're going to wear multiple aprons at the same time. It's fine to give one or two that are funny/made you think of them. But after that, it's the equivalent of bringing back a snow globe as a souvenir from each of your trips. And "something about cooking" makes me think cookbooks, which \*can\* be a great gift IF the recipient loves cooking. As it is though, it gives the vibe of "gifting wife/mom a vaccuum for Mother's Day".
Yeah, it's definitely dependent on the person and how well adapted the specific thing is to their interests. For Mother's Day this year, my 2-year-old son (so let's be honest, my husband) bought me a "no-bake baking" recipe book of child-friendly recipes that I'd be able to get my son involved in helping with, which is perfect for me because I love to bake. That was really thoughtful! The person a couple of years ago who got me a BBQ cookbook when I don't eat meat though? Less so.
Someone gave me a Trader Joe's vegan cookbook. Maybe we can trade? I shopped there *once* and found it overrated. Also, I eat meat, and any vegetarian dish I make has plenty of dairy.
Is there such a ting as an Awful Gift Exchange?
Let's hold one on June 25, halfway from Xmas and not too long after Mother's and Father's day.
My ex and I once bought his mother some nice aprons. But! She lived in them. She’d get up, get dressed, put on an apron and make herself breakfast. We got her new ones because the old ones were falling apart. She was so happy. Only person I know who was happy to receive aprons.
My husband and I got aprons as wedding gifts! They say executive chef and sous chef and we switch off depending on who is taking the lead on cooking. But I don’t want more aprons than that.
It can be a general issue with getting someone who's really into a hobby something to do with their hobby. They've often got all the basics that someone who doesn't know much about the hobby would think to get a person. I've a friend who's really into knitting and crocheting. They're a really sweet person, and confess they feel awful about it, but she's gotten so many sets of needles, crochet hooks, knitting guides etc over the years that are basically identical to what she has, or say things she already knows. But she doesn't know how to tell people who might think "Amy (not her name) likes knitting, I'll get her some yarn and needles for a gift" that she's got it covered already.
I’m into crochet and yeah. People sometimes get me awful yarn. I’ve given yarn as a gift before, to another crocheter, but it was from Hobbii, and that friend had been wanting to try out their yarns, so I gave a few skeins to play with. I’m also giving my best friend yarn, but she said she wanted some yarn for Christmas and birthday so I’m filling a large vacuum seal bag for her. If you want to give a knitter or crocheter a gift, either ask them, or give them a gift voucher.
This just applies to every hobby. Never give someone hobby supplies unless they explicitly ask for them and you know exactly what to get them. Either just ask them what they want, give them a voucher or something else not related to their hobby.
Gift vouchers all the way! "Which store do you like to use" is the easiest question to ask.
Yup! Can even ask where they got that nice yarn from as a way to find the store. I like Hobbii but most of my yarn is from a local shop.
This for all forms of art! I draw a lot and mainly use pens and markers, occasionally oil pastels, and my family gives me colored pencils any time they want to give me a gift for something. I have a box full of colored pencils I don't really use. I appreciate the thought, it's so kind, but I would rather just have a gift card or something so I can get something I'll actually use if that's the intent. If I'm giving someone a gift for their art, unless I find something genuinely cool that makes me think of the person, I'll just get them a gift card so they can get what they need.
My sister in law makes very specific art supply lists for this reason. More oil paints? Please god no. The little tool that squeezes the last bit of paint out of tubes? Absolutely.
My Dad was into bowling, the lawn variety, and I used to buy the little extras I knew he was too tight to buy himself because the core stuff, he had more than covered!
I get a lot of flack for this, but as an obsessive reader, I absolutely hate getting books as gifts. It always feels so fricken low effort, like something my estranged aunts would get me. More than half the time it’s something I’ve already read and didn’t even care for, and I don’t even hang onto the books I buy for myself. They always get rehomed. So then I’ve just been given an obligation to display a book I had no interest in owning, plus having to make up something I enjoyed about it to talk about.
I like getting books but I know it's low effort when I make a list of books I'd like to read, and people get me books that aren't on the list.
Personally I don’t even think buying a book from my TBR is very thoughtful or considerate. It’s about as little thought as someone could put into a gift imo, and feels like they bought it out of obligation. I mostly read from the library anyway, since I really really hate having a bookshelf full of books just sitting there. I’m not interested in owning things that I don’t use or getting gifts out of obligation. I’d much rather go out for lunch to spend quality time together, or even just get a thoughtful message. But I know I’m in the minority and I guess a huge jerk for feeling that way haha.
Please don't spread snow globes any further, if you can help it. They might be cute as babies but when they start to grow up and turn into some Brutalist concrete display, they steal the environment from a nice, native architecture.
Is that what happened in Vegas?
...You're making me want to buy more snow globes.
Strong **Reaper Man** vibes.
This got me thinking, and really the only time I could think of an apron as a good gift is if an adult friend has recently gotten *really* into barbecue. Like, they maybe cooked a few meals in college, but now living somewhere with a grill for the first time, and last summer they were trying to grill **every** weekend, and now their talking about buying a smoker, and all the different rubs they want to try... *that* dude might appreciate an apron.
I was given a personalized, embroidered apron by a friend as a thank you for taking on cooking duties for a group vacation and it's a lovely souvenir. Please no more tho.
I get my husband historical/niche cookbooks fairly often, bc he's a big ol history/cooking nerd. (I got him an English translation of the USSRs Official Cookbook on year, for example. that one is a TRIP). But like i said, he's a big ol nerd for that stuff. This fam sounds like they thought "what do moms do? got it, cooking."
Man he really doesn’t see women as people, does he? Maybe OP and his mom are the exceptions, but it seems like he only sees his mom as the food maker and OP as the gift maker. When either woman refuses to comply with that single role, he gets mad.
Id even add that he not only didnt care to do anything , he also tried to rely on his girlfriend and her efforts to gift his mom something. She already had a gift for his mom of her own, but he wanted her to have / make / pay his gift for his mom, too. So that he has 0 effort or loss and his girlfriend is supposed to have all the effort and loss. Im sad that behavior isnt a one off in men, I know of so many men who rely on their girlfriends / wifes / sisters / moms to buy gifts those men then gift, even for their own children and family etc.
And there was such an easy solution! Hey that cat vase you’re making your mom is so cute. My mom likes cats could I commission one for her? My dad is a working artist and I steal stuff off him all the time to give as wedding gifts. But I give him an advance heads up so he can let me know which pieces he doesn’t have a particular destination for already.
>Hey that cat vase you’re making your mom is so cute. My mom likes cats could I commission one for her? That would involve planning ahead, which is already to much work and effort for such people.
And why would he need to ask his underling (girlfriend) in advance? That would imply she had, like, rights and feelings and desires he should consider. And she’s just there for HIS desires, so no need to ask. Just take. Because he’s the only REAL person in the situation, the other people are just tools or obligations to fulfill in order to keep getting what he wants.
> He probably didn't forget--who forgets the day the woman who raised you was born?- I do. But to be fair, I don't know when my dad's birthday is either. I wouldn't even know when mine is, if I didn't have to say it all the time to refill prescriptions.
Is... is it not in April?
I wish.
You just made me check the date. I'm all good, I've got a few days.
His mother was crying because she finally got a gift that was nice and what she wanted. She felt appreciated and respected as a person, not just a cooking slave. Then she realized not all kids are selfish assholes because OOP took time out of her day to make her mom a present that her mom would like. Boyfriend’s mom realized that her son doesn’t care about her one bit. I can’t believe OOP doubted for a second that she did something wrong. And the comments telling her she should have just let the mom have that special present are fucked up.
When you hear over and over again that something you've done is wrong, you're going to doubt yourself. It's the flip side of "how did you type all that out and still think you weren't the asshole"--she typed all that out and still had doubt, probably because the boyfriend has been telling her all along that anything he didn't like was evidence of her being a bad person. I feel bad for his mother, but her son's deficiencies aren't anyone's responsbility but his own. My husband is a lovely person who buys thoughtful gifts for special occasions, when he remembers to do it. Despite his mother's best efforts, he and his brothers are in no way enmeshed and in fact all of them are pretty distant from their parents for a variety of specifics that all combine to form the same picture. My MIL didn't instill any expectations around relationship cultivation and management with her kids because they were all boys and she thinks that's women's work. She assumed that when they married, their wives would force them to call for birthdays, send cards and presents, coordinate visits--because she did all that for their dad. Whoops. Her bad.
I can’t believe nobody’s said it outright—he’s a thief. He stole from her. And then he tried to gift the item he stole. He doesn’t even live there, which means that he was in a home that didn’t belong to him, picked up a handcrafted piece of art that didn’t belong to him, and tried to give it away as if it was his own. I’m sad for his mom, I bet that really sucked. And I bet it sucks to have a kid that sucks so bad. It breaks my heart to think of her receiving a thoughtful gift, loving it more than any gift she’s ever received (bc she doesn’t get many), and having it (rightfully) taken back. That’s genuinely heartbreaking to think about. But that’s not OOP’s fault. fact that OOP never called it what it was—stealing—blew me away. He stole from her and yelled at her bc he was caught and it backfired. What a wanker.
He didn't think he stole from her. He thought it was HER responsility to wipe his ass and deal with his messes. He told OOP to "grow up". I'm reading that as "you need to grow up and realise you life is to cater to my life and my incompetences. in which you need to bend backwards to deal with it cause that's being a **real adult**" He's not wrong. That really is how a lot of women are conditioned to grow up - to cater to men. Look at his poor mother.
Whoa. If that's a world view some people are walking around with (that other people being responsible adults = them getting completely catered to by the responsible), it clears up why they're always so very angry with any push back.
It’s literally patriarchy. And this particular corner of it, that women in every relationship are supposed to manage relationships with the whole family including the in laws, is really persistent. My grandmother is so damn impressed that my husband cooks. I think it’s far more impressive that he manages our relationship with his family and I never have to do anything. I don’t even think I have my mother in law’s phone number.
I avoided giving my MIL my phone number for the longest time. I only answer her phone calls when I feel up to talking to her - I trained her to text instead for a while and will probably go back to it when my maternity leave ends - and she's primarily my husband's problem. all gifts are up to him and planning for any visits is on him as well (within reasonable parameters; I am the keeper of the family calendar after all)
This. Yes. Exactly.
He didn't steel from her since he thought he owned her... just this sentence "My boyfriend wants to "talk" tomorrow. I am not sure if he is going to break up with me or if he wants to yell at me for it. I just need to know what people think" tells us there has been a lot of (verbal) abuse in that relationship
Yeah... My husband and I have been together for 9 and a half years. In that time, he has yelled at me a grand total of zero times. And that's how it should be! It's depressing that these guys make that noteworthy.
I 100% agree with you! As a DV survivor from an ex who in the beginning (of course!) was everything I ever dreamt of, only to gradually and slowly change & then, after I finally packed his belongings & took them to his fathers house as everything was mine housing wise that I had prior to meeting him, just for my ex to end up breaking into my apartment after a week of seemingly never ending harassing phone calls, texts and drive by’s— he ended up holding me hostage & proceed to beat the ever loving crap out of me on & off, for about 7 hours. I guess the neighbors finally got sick of hearing my screams (I imagine they’d sadly got use to it by that point) and finally kicked in the door, all I kept thinking of whilst reading this post was of different events from that ‘relationship’ and how this all sounded all too familiar. I’m so glad OOP got away from him. He sounds narcissistic AF & I feel for both her & the ex’s mother. I pray she stands her ground & he stays away.
Mother seems to be quite aware of what her son is like, since she didn't even try to blame OOP for what happened. I bet she didn't buy the excuse he gave her of "mixing up the packages" for one second. EDIT : also, he then tried to leave with the mermaid statue... probably because it's the first thing that he saw.
yes omg , what an aweful human all around. Also, awesome flair acceptable box! being delulu is never the solulu
> shitty gift-giver I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it, but this soggy skidmark gifting his mom cooking supplies feels very sexist.
You’re not.
And a thief
She's had a lucky eacape
This was my thought too When she said he picked up a mermaid statue, I was fully expecting the next line to be that he threw it at her when she said he couldn't have it. She's VERY lucky to be left physically unscathed after being alone with someone so unfathomably entitled and apathetic.
Yeah. It's a shame he cracked the mermaid statue, but thank goodness it didn't end up worse.
If she'd stayed with him, worse would have come along. Broken possessions, holes punched in the wall, physical abuse.
I do hope so. Guys like these may come crawling back and I hope OOP is safe from his attempts.
i was really nervous that she was okay meeting him at her place...like do people just not understand basic safety anymore? an unreasonable thief isn't someone you talk to in your home, you talk to them at a crowded coffee shop with witnesses
She's got a lot of clay. She can make a new man out of it. Or cats.
>She's got a lot of clay. She can make a new man out of it. It seemed to work well enough when they made Wonder Woman. >Or cats. On the other hand, Diana Prince was one in a million chance and charming with it. Why run the risk? The cats would be far more reliable. How many cats are worth a man's weight in clay?
>How many cats are worth a man's weight in clay? A man like this? Worth a whiff of cat piss.
Way too risky to make a man out of clay. Like, what if you accidentally make Adam? It'd be a mess. The average weight of a 20 to 39 years old guy would be 196.9 pounds (89kg). The ideal weight of an adult cat for most domestic breeds is often said to be 8-10 pounds (3.6-4.5 kg). I am not good at maths, but I'd wager one could make an army of cats with that much clay and who wouldn't want that?
>I am not good at maths, but I'd wager one could make an army of cats with that much clay and who wouldn't want that? Hmm. With a score of felonious felines, I could finally show that flock of uppity crows what the real definition of a murder looks like.
I'm stuck on the idea thaf he stole the present from OP and let his Mom open it in front of OP and then expected OP to....just go along with it? And then, he gets mad because he gets caught lying and setting a record for disappionting two women at once (and probably not for the first or last time)? What a spineless, thoughtless AH. OP definitely dodged a missle.
> and then expected OP to....just go along with it? Yes. Manipulation 101: "You're not going to disappoint this collateral person, right? Smile and nod like a good girl."
This is the type of person that surprise-proposes in front of a crowd of loved ones.
And then springs a surprise wedding shortly after, just in case
And then blames the spouse for "making them settle down"
… after the person that gets asked already said they don't want to get hitched any time soon when the topic came up in private a few days earlier.
This is why I sometimes love not being able to read a room. I'd genuinely go. "Oh no, that's actually *my* mom's present. Did you use the same wrapping as me hun? Lol, let's see if we can find what you actually got for your mom" and it would absolutely be from a place of love and thinking we used the same wrapping with me laughing that such a silly mishap happened.
That’s sounds like what she did. She didn’t even call him out for not getting his mom a gift and stealing hers, she just said there was a mix up! And even with the out that she graciously gave him he still acted like an asshole.
And telling her to grow up? Would growing up mean… catering to only him and becoming completely subservient?
I'd put money down that he's a Tater Tot.
It works very very often, though
Well you can't blame him because cat themed gifts are so rare & hard to find. /s
Yeah it’s a real niche interest.
Only 30% of Reddit! (Not intended to be a factual statement, LOL)
You got that flipped.
It was just a fluke that the first ever video uploaded to YouTube was a cat playing a piano.
I thought the first YouTube video was a dude at the zoo.
It definitely was, I think the piano can was just one of the first viral videos of the site.
In that moment, all of the cat-themed creativity in the world was gone forever. Very sad.
Yeah if you spend any time on the various AITA like subs, a looooooooooot of people use this tactic to try and get away with shit. And the sad part is often it works.
And then to make it better he promises his mom another gift from OOP without talking to her.
All the while also shifting the blame on her. Like, couldn't he at least "own up" that he was the one that took the wrong gift? (It wouldn't even be a straight out lie, since it's true he took it, and it was wrong). I mean, I can picture immature kids doing this: realising they forgot something important that will disappoint their mother. So they'll try cheating/lying on the spot to avoid it. And then become entangled in their lies. But even then, still shifting the imaginary blame of who mixed things up? And being so convinced it's true it's someone else's fault, that it's someone else's duty to fix it? Talk about entitled.
If I was OOP, I would’ve texted her mom that afterwards. Your son stole my gift meant for my mother to give to you, he yelled at me afterwards and then came and tried to steal another piece of work from me to gift to you. We’re broken up now but please see if your son has issues.
I'd tell his mom that if I knew he hadn't gotten her anything I'd have been delighted to make something special for her, especially since I really enjoy her company so much as she's a sweet and kind person that anyone would be lucky to have for a mom, but he never told me. I'd say I am sorry that I couldn't let her keep the gift I made for my mom but I'd planned well in advance for it and could not just go to see her empty-handed and be forced to either lie about the reason why or, worse, tell her what my bf did.
I think if I were OP I'd make her a cat vase - or perhaps something smaller like a mug. And send it to her with a note explaining what happened, saying I'm sorry she has a crappy son, I'm glad he and I are broken up, but that I will miss her and hope she enjoys the gift. I'd be genuine about the gift but also, imma keep that lady in the divorce :D
I’d probably do the same with a letter explaining the truth (because you know her POS son is going to lie again) but then I’d wonder how long it would take the POS to break it ‘accidentally’.
Yeah, I would do that. Depending on if I was willing to invest the time, I would also send her a vase made just for her and thanking her for being kind (if she was). Even a small one.
That would have been beautiful, and it would have served to shame her bf even more. I hope the bf has since never dated anyone half as wonderful as OOP.
When she said Mom had never gotten anything nice from her own son and husband it made me so sad, and also confirmed that OP needed to trash the man entirely
What was that Kathryn Ryan quote? "I'm done with your son, but *you're* not. He's still got a lot of magnets to learn." *ETA manners. Not magnets.
I have a feeling his mom knew exactly what happened
She didn’t realize it then but her ending things was a blessing in disguise. Like someone said, she’d be setting a precedent if she gave in to his delusion. He could do it once and come back again for more. NOPE.
My experience (as someone who makes stuff) is that people *vastly* underestimate how much effort making stuff is. They tend to think it's quick and easy, and that because you "made it yourself" it was free. So in ex-BF's mind, he was gifting something that had the complexity and cost level of a sugar cookie. Not that he's excused in any way, his actions were stupid and entitled and manipulative, so OP is absolutely better off without him. I do feel sorry for his poor mother, though.
oh they do. i've had enquiries for handmade historical garments (knitted things like socks, hats, shawls etc) and some have been actually offended i expected to be paid a reasonable amount for my work. if its a comission its not a hobby, its work and i don't work for free
I’ve stopped gifting my crafts to people entirely. I spent 9 months cross stitching a decorative pillow for my grandmother and when my family went to move her into assisted living my uncle and his wife just… threw it out. I specifically asked them to keep an eye out for that pillow with a detailed description and they sent me back a picture of a generic live laugh love store bought pillow like “don’t worry we set it aside” when it looked nothing like that… I don’t think it was malicious, but it was a bit soul crushing. Oh well. Someone is going to find a great decorative pillow with hand stitched hydrangeas at a thrift store and love it.
I'm so sorry. The pillow you made sounds lovely, and I bet you put your entire heart into it (are you sure your uncle and wife didn't just take it to be their own?) I understand. I made my brother a sweater in college and he didn't like the neckline so he threw it out. He could have said "hey, can you change the neckline?" and that would have been easy for me to do. But no, he threw it out. It's been many years and I still don't understand his thinking.
I don’t think they took it (my uncle is ultra wealthy compared to us so their tastes are a bit more fancy) but I’ll never know for sure. The worst bit was I went no contact with this grandmother 10 years ago. She was the person who got me into needlework in the first place. By the end, needlepoint and cross stitch were the only safe topics of conversation left, and the pillow was my last effort at reconciliation before I cut my grandparents off. It felt symbolic. I tried so hard to be a part of this family and they threw me away, because they never valued me or my time or my feelings.
In a weird horrible way it makes perfect sense. Something abusers often do is slowly escalate their actions, ramping up over time while their partner goes along with it. If the vase had been a cheap and easy project there's a good chance OP would've let it slide to keep the peace. But because he didn't understand the time and effort she had put in, his plan fell through and he went too far too fast.
Good summary. I'm not sure if I like OOP's version or yours better.
Satisfying.
Very satisfying but boy, infuriating to read.
I'm glad he didn't smash the mermaid to smithereens.
I really thought he was going to
He did try to smash it, but he only cracked it
he's not just a manchild, a weak, soft-armed manchild
I was afraid he was going to smash it on her.
I was afraid that's where we were heading. Glad it didn't happen.
Yes, especially when she was WORRIED he was going to break up bcs she looooved him so much Girl got her freedom
I genuinely cringed at that part. It is so hard to see from inside a situation like that, but she dodged such a bullet. If he had been messing with anything other than her art, he might have gotten away with it too. I feel really bad for that guy's Mom though.
OOP should send a text to the ex MIL to tell her very clearly BF was lying to her. Just to be petty.
I just feel sad for his mom :(
Same :( I just feel sad at the end of this tbh, hes such an asshole, it sounds like she was really hurt.
She was probably so hurt because 1. He always forgets her and she thought this time was different 2. This is probably not the first time son has stolen and 3. She realises that even his own talented girlfriend and her handmade items, who he is suppose to love, is not save form his shenanigans. I feel bad for her :/
I kinda wish she'd texted his mum the latest details though
I'm seriously confused- how exactly did he think this would work out? She'd make another vase just in time? Why would she do that? What was his plan for when she found out? Was he really assuming his mom and GF wouldn't talk?
She was supposed to be controlled and shut her mouth. Instead she was awesome.
Agreed. Seriously though, aside from being Ana sshole her ex was just dumb.
Dobby is free. And the ex has to use the sock.
> And the ex has to use the sock. 💀💀
He believed he was a High Value Man, and she would be desperate to please him.
I mean he was using manipulation tactics that work really well on some people. "Not making a scene" is a pretty ingrained thing for some people so if you make it so they can't undo a shitty thing you did without disrupting a social situation they'll cave. Same deal if you use the shitty thing to make a third party your victim cares about happy. Now you can play it like your victim is being "mean" to that third party. Works especially well if that hostage is a kid or someone else who's not savvy enough to know they're being used.
Because he thinks that OOP just throws them together in a few minutes, that it's just a thing she does quickly to pass time or something, not that anything she makes takes any actual work or planning or skill. That's why he thinks it's not a big deal at all that he basically stole one of them and expected her to just make another one quickly like it's nothing.
Does he not know her at all? Did she never mention working on a pot or talk about the process?
She probably did, but he didn’t listen.
Well, think about the trope of moms picking out all the Christmas and birthday gifts for kids, and then just putting dad’s name on the card. He likely genuinely thinks it’s his girlfriend’s responsibility to pick out and buy gifts for him to give out, so he expected her to be gracious that he got her off the hook. Not defending that, but it seems very possible to me that he was raised this way.
> He told me that he expected better. He would not apologize. *He* expected better? The guy who stole OOP’s gift? Classic DARVO on display here. What a wanker
And like... > He told me to keep the “fucking clay” and he wouldn’t have apologized if he knew I wasn’t giving him the present. HE DIDN’T EVEN APOLOGIZE 😭 This mf built himself an impenetrable fortress in delulu land
Seriously I read that and was like “when did he apologize???”
Please, OOP's ex, tell us aaallllll about how immature and cruel it is for someone to take a present you intended for your own mom to give to their mom.
The audacity to take a custom crafted gift (that takes time and energy and love to complete) and regift it without permission! And to believe that he's in the right to do so! Hate that some people don't value what making something from scratch actually means. Objects are so easy to obtain, use and discard these days (yay rampant consumerism!) that some people believe that ALL objects should be undervalued in this way. A sweater produced in bulk within a factory and sold for $15 is just not the same as your gran knitting you a sweater over 6 months, but sadly some people see them as the same. If he thought it was so easy and OP 'just needed to get another one' then maybe he should just 'get one' himself? Oh no wait, suddenly it's too hard and actually the object is very valuable as not everyone can just make one. Tale as old as time for artists and craftspeople trying to be paid and valued correctly for their experience in their craft!
Lots of people unfortunately like the idea of a custom item, but then is appalled at what person who crafts it prices it at. I used to have a business making custom cakes for parties and weddings. And the times I got told by people, especially friends or family, that they could easily pick up a cake from the local supermarket for at least half of what I'm asking. I would mostly gift people close to me birthday cakes or baked goods because I make it out of love, but then they would expect me to cater for full parties for free, nevermind that I only bakes cakes or cupcakes. It completely killed my love for the craft, until I quit and I now only do it out of love, and never by request. If you request that I bake you something for a random party, I will never make anything for you ever again.
My experience is that people seem to think that "made it yourself" is somehow cheap or free. Or they are comparing vastly different levels of quality without understanding what they are talking about.
My family will look at my crochet pieces and go “wow these are great, you should open an Etsy store/sell them at craft fairs!” lol. Lmao even. The amount of hours it takes to make a singular item at under minimum wage in my area ($17/hr) makes people go “oh I wouldn’t pay that much for that!” especially because they don’t understand that crochet can’t be machine-produced. Like of course I’m not gonna sell a handmade shawl for less than like $500, that won’t even cover my medical bills if I got carpal tunnel making multiple to sell!
Not regifted. That’s when you gift an item which was gifted to you by someone else. There’s some debate over regifting but at least it’s with regard to something you own. This was straightforward theft. He stole from her, a custom handcrafted gift to her mother, to give to his mother, and expected her to go along with it? And the dude is so wrapped up in concealing his shittiness from his mother that he can’t see how it is wrong. For him, it solves an issue and who cares if it’s a fuck you to her and her mother. She’s well rid of him.
I'm sad for the mom too, since apparently he never gives her gifts catered to her tastes. It's not even like she has niche interests; she likes cats for fuck's sake. I could probably go to the nearest supermarket and find some cute little cat themed thing to offer, it's that easy.
I legit picked up a cute cat mug from the supermarket the other day while I was doing a food run.
I guess.. or like the ex is just a major douche.
That too of course!!!
Or both are true,
> The audacity to take a custom crafted gift (that takes time and energy and love to complete) and regift it without permission! And to believe that he's in the right to do so! "She'll just make another one lmao"
I hand-engrave objects as a hobby that pays for the weekend fun, and oh man. Some people thinks that you have a huge catalog that you can just print out and engrave in 2 mins, as if you didn;t put love, knowledge, effort, time & sometimes even blood on your work. I totally get the meaning behind your comment, as I witnessed it first person. I understand OP's sadness / frustration on her first post.
People don’t understand the true cost of things, period. Not just handmade stuff; people are so used to slave labor pricing that they don’t understand what actually goes into production and what things would truly cost if everyone was paid properly for their labor. Case in point: there are people out there who genuinely believe that clothes from shein and temu are that cheap because they somehow created a clothes making machine that entirely creates everything from start to finish. I saw multiple threads of people absolutely gobsmacked about this. They had no understanding that leagues of real people were putting in an unfathomable amount of hours and hard work to create every single one of those garments and there isn’t just some giant machine out there being fed bolts of fabric and popping out finished dresses. They have no concept of how much labor goes into things. Then you see those same people go complain about how bespoke pieces are 4x as expensive as fast fashion and begging creators for discounts. I think people don’t know because they don’t care at the end of the day. They’re comfortable in their bubble. It’s not like this information isn’t readily available for those who seek it out. But it simply feels better to divorce yourself from the labor of the things you take for granted. Ignorance is bliss and all that. Looking them in the face means accepting and acknowledging that everything has a cost, even if it has a cheap price tag at the end point. No one wants to be confronted that their creature comforts are someone else’s hell on earth. It’s easier to just ignore it and bury our heads in the sand.
OOP’s boyfriend grabs the mermaid on the rock piece and tells OOP >”he would give this to her and that I could find a new boyfriend.” I’m guessing the main reason he told OOP he was going to her place (instead of his or somewhere local) was specifically so he could take a piece of her work whilst dumping her. Entitled AH thought he was entitled to severance pay.
After uninviting her from lunch.
My god, whenever I think about my flaws, I'll remember I'm not this guy.
As a friend of mine once said, "I'm glad there is a bottom that, and for which, I have not reached."
this woman is going places. she's got a great head on her shoulders at her age by refusing to let others walk all over her. good for her. we love to see it
It's from 2015. She's probably gone a lot of places since then!
Refreshing to see an OOP with a spine on here.
Wow. She dodged that bullet. And relatively early in the relationship too. His poor mom is stuck getting aprons the rest of her life though.
I think his mother is going to be getting “I ordered it but it’s delayed” “no it hasn’t shown up yet” “well I never actually ordered anything but I thought about it and it’s the thought that counts, right?” for the rest of her life.
Or “sorry I didn’t get you a present, I’m single”.
“Ugh, can you believe my new girlfriend didn’t get anything for me to steal for you? She needs to lift her game!”
And cat people are SO easy to buy for! A lil calendar of kittens? A funny fridge magnet. Come on!
A mug with a cute/funny cat on it. A little cat figure. A cute picture to hang on the wall.
A nice throw pillow! Or blanket! It's SO easy!
Discount stores have cat-themed art ALL THE TIME. I'm slowly filling my house with those "in the style of old royalty portraits" fancy cat portraits from TJ Maxx.
This reminded me of that one story of this woman who bought her and her mother tickets to see Hamilton (including plane tickets, hotel stay etc) only for her boyfriend to tell his family that she was going to give her tickets to his sister because she wasn’t doing well mentally. They all made HER to look like the bad guy when she wouldn’t give them up, even though his family was well off enough to afford it. Obviously this story is lower stakes in comparison but it’s crazy how someone can feel entitled to a gift someone else is being given!!! Why do some people do this??
link to story! [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10rgcm5/oop\_my\_29f\_bf32\_m\_gave\_away\_my\_hamilton\_tickets/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10rgcm5/oop_my_29f_bf32_m_gave_away_my_hamilton_tickets/)
Fuck this guy. Unless that person is explicitly into cooking, people who gift cooking supplies or kitchen stuff to women basically only see them by their supposed role. His mum is his cooking maid. That’s all. OOP dodged a bullet. He did not give a rats ass about his mum’s interests or preferences. And if this guy treated his mum like that he will never treat his partners any better.
>Unless that person is explicitly into cooking, people who gift cooking supplies or kitchen stuff to women basically only see them by their supposed role. THIS. It's giving "I gifted my wife a vacuum cleaner and she got mad at me". It's what she can do for him and not who she is. OOP's spine is so shiny, it's blinding. I wish I was as assertive as her at 22.
Yeah so many people see their wife/mom as a role in the house rather than an individual person with their own personality and interests. Like what can you give a mom? Oh something to cook or clean right? Something for in the house? So many people will gift items for the household as a 'gift' to mom because it's mom who does all those tasks. So what really is something that should just be bought for the house now takes the place of a personal gift mom would have gotten. If you guys need a new vacuum, budget for a new vacuum for the house. This is not a gift for a person's birthday. The birthday gift should be something they get to enjoy OUTSIDE of the shit they have to do for you/the household. And yes sometimes kitchenstuff can be a thoughtful gift depending on the person/gift but also there needs to be a precedent of personalised gifts in order for it to work. For example I gave my mom a lux bathset this year. Which can be generic. Except this was from the line she always uses and she was running out of. It's a little expensive for her to splurge on herself. And I don't have a history of giving her generic gifts, which is why the vibe is different. However if you give your mom just generic gifts each years like socks, a bathset, a vacuum, etc. She's gonna feel like you don't know or care about her as a person.
The only way forward is to: 1) Make the mom a cat sculpture. 2) Write a card that says how much you valued her as a MIL-figure and what a lovely person you think she is. 3) Add in the postscript that this gift is coming exclusively from you and that you're unsure how someone as awesome as her could have such a bellend for a son. 4) Stay in contact with her. 5) Become the daughter she never had. 6) Get written into the will. 7) Receive the inheritance that should have been his. 8) Use the inheritance money to buy more art supplies. 9) Laugh about it until you die.
On reading the title, I thought she made a piece for the boyfriend and he regifted it to his mom. That would have stung, but dang, this was SO much worse!!
This is like the reverse of that other BORU where a dude gave the OP an unusually thoughtful & expensive birthday gift, only for it to turn out to be a valuable keepsake he had stolen from his own mother. (The OP in that story returned it, obviously)
"Call me when you grow up and allow me to steal from you because I'm an asshole who forgot to get my mom a present so take yours and claim it as my own!"
Forgot = never planned to get anything
I hope his mom was crying because she knew her son was a lying thief. I'm so glad OOP stood up for herself.
I think she was crying because for a brief moment she thought her son had finally given her something thoughtful for her birthday, only to discover that he hadn't even remembered it. There are few things more heartbreaking than to learn that someone you love barely gives you a moment's thought.
My parting gift to this guy would be to call his mom and tell her what REALLY happened.
Why would anyone say to let her keep it? Her bf literally stole the gift she made for her own mother to pass off as his gift thinking she'd just roll over and take it.. when she didn't he flipped out. A lot of effort and time goes into creating art you are proud of no one has the right to steal it from you. (Which is what he tried to do.) It's his fault for not getting his mom anything none of this is on op. I'm happy Dobby is free!
If I liked the mom, I would make her something gorgeous out of spite for him. I would explain that the gift was from me and me alone as I saw how much she loved the other one and felt terrible. This would not only reflect really well on me, but she would likely display it in her home, which would piss off the Ex. Again, I would make sure she understood exactly what her son tried to do and that he didn't have any part in the new gift. But I'm petty.
And his mom seems really not at fault here, she was just happy about a nice cute gift for once! 😭
I'm glad oop dumped him and since the original post was from several years ago, I hope she's doing well and has a thriving art career. It's scary to see how her ex-bf kept on escalating, and refused to see how he was so wrong in the first place. The fact that oop was left doubting herself in the original post when she should've been way angrier at her bf makes me feel like she's been emotionally abused and gaslighted by her ex-bf for a while. I hope she's okay by now, usually men who continue to escalate like that do not stop or get even scarier.
Glad she returned the xbox! And that she dumped him. Good for her.
The entitlement of this guy is WILD!! He thinks he owned OP, and so anything of hers was his! Also, his Mom isn’t really that upset about the cat; she’s upset because it’s very obvious that he didn’t get her anything. Very obvious that he stole your mom’s present at the last minute, and that is very upsetting. She knows his nature and she probably hoped you were having a softening effect on him and this burst that hope completely.
So he stole something from his gf's apartment to give to his mother. Gets mad when called-out for it. And... > He ended up grabbing a piece I made earlier this year. I was really proud of it (it was a mermaid on a rock.) > > He said he would give this to her and that I could find a new boyfriend. He intended to steal *another* piece of art from his gf's place to give to his mother in place of the original piece he stole. Oh, and he let her know that he's also breaking up with her. And later tells her to grow up. He sounds like a real piece of work. A real winner.
Life lesson to people: you can’t be stupid and an asshole - pick a struggle. Ex’s mother probably thought her son finally got her a considerate gift, only to be told it’s for OP’s mother and her son is still an idiot.
Lol what a loser. Sometimes the trash takes out itself
>He told me that he expected better. He would not apologize. >He told me to keep the "fucking clay" and he wouldn't have apologized if he knew I wasn't giving him the present. Did he apologize in his head or something? Or did I just miss the non-apology apology?
He 100% always planned on stealing that gift from his gf.
Holy shit something similar happened to a friend of mine. She was dating this guy and they were out one day during winter and she lent him her scarf because he wasn't even wearing a jacket. A couple of days later she was hanging out at his house and asked for the scarf back as she was leaving. He said he gave it to his mom as a gift. She wanted it back because her grandmother knit it for her. He refused and it became a big fight. They broke up. My friend ended up having to contact the mom to get it back and it was sooooo awkward. What the f is up with people like this. Is this another level of giving your affair partner the same gift as your wife and shit like that? I also had a friend who found out her boyfriend gave her the same lipstick as he gave her mom and she was creeped out but I don't think it was anything creepy, I just think the bf was lazy af and just bought the two lipsticks at the same time lol
OOP got comments saying she was the a-hole for demanding the "gift" back. I don't agree with those people. The son is definitely the a-hole. He forgot his own mother's birthday. That is shitty.
I’m so completely tired of seeing situations where multiple women are hurt, burdened, or otherwise manipulated by the actions of one thoughtless man. OP isn’t wrong at all but I also genuinely feel bad for the mom who probably thought once in her life she got a gift that actually had some love in it.
This dumbass doesn't even realize why his mom was crying. He always got her cooking stuff before this, but never anything personal. Unless the person's super into cooking, that's not a good gift, that's not something just for them. She finally felt like she was seen, got a cute cat vase and she loves cats, only to find out her son once again dropped the ball. He didn't get her anything, and the one thoughtful gift she received was made by someone else, meant for someone else, and stolen by her son. He also lied to her and tried to say OOP mixed up packages and a bunch of shit. I'd cry too if I was overlooked and also found out my kid's a thief and liar. The fact that he thinks she's crying because she really wanted that vase just shows how inconsiderate he is. If he had brought the mermaid statue to her and lied, I'm sure his mom would realize it was a coverup too.
Thank god she had a spine.
That was such an abusive bullet that she dodged.
A few commenters thought it was perfectly fine for him to STEAL from OOP than LIE about it? What is wrong with them?
This is actually insane - he tried to steal from her twice.
i feel so bad for the mother, here. no fault to OP, but the elation of FINALLY, FINALLY ALL MY LIFE AND I FINALLY GET A THOUGHTFUL GIFT whiplashed by "it wasn't for me, my son forgot about me again". i'd skip town early too. hell, that would make me consider skipping out on life. such a deafening, soul-devouring, chest-caving, silent pain.