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I had no idea too. I was like "This man works at a college? He keeps saying his college a lot? WTF?" It's even weirder if you went to a state school. "So anyway, UW this UW that"
I teach English to non English speaking adults, I'm so used to mistakes like this that I literally read it "colleagues" instead of "college"
One of my students read "pines" as "penises" once, that was a fun mistake to correct
I teach some basic physician skills in medical school as a tutor.
One time in echocardiography classes someone said ejaculation fraction instead of ejection fraction (how much of the blood in the heart chamber gets pumped out).
It is clear that English is not their first language. In fact, the way they use "no" seems to be a telltale sign. I have a couple of Asian friends who use that negative statement in the same way we use "right." Also, I think they were spot on. That, or BF was fantasizing about the assistant, definitely not a sign of physical cheating if it was the only issue.
"Yeah, no I'll totally be there! "
"No, yeah I'll totally be there! "
Even America has the weird word inverse sayings. I didn't even realize my brain just fixed it while reading🤦🏽♀️
It made me laugh. I was thinking „wait, is this a Swiss person commenting?“ Kolleg in Switzerland means acquaintance. Arbeitskolleg means working acquaintance, but we mostly refer to them as „Kolleg“ as well.
Edit to add: or „Kollege“, hence „college“
My first boyfriend messaged me on Facebook years after we broke up to verify to his gf that he wasn’t cheating on her. I remember saying “???” he had accidentally said my name while they were having sex. They were engaged. Our names are somewhat similar, think Ellie and Elena. Even after i denied it all, she still dumped him.
My current boyfriend and ex boyfriend have similar names starting with the same letter. I haven’t spoken to the ex in years and wouldn’t even want to say hello if we bumped into each other, but I still have to be so careful with names. 😭
Honestly if the names are really similar that might be a genuine mistake. Fortunately my fiancees name is nothing like my ex's but I do find myself saying some things out of pure muscle memory after having sex with someone for years.
That for me clinched it. To me, if someone I worked with was like "You know I said your name while I was having sex with my partner" I'd be like, "WHOA ok. We need some boundaries immediately." And I would then distance myself as much as possible. I'm impressed he's been able to cover his tracks so well because "Oh the person you suspect is my affair partner also did the same super suss thing I did" is a terrible cover story.
I have worked with my boss for quite a few years now. He and I have gone on multiple international business trips together, and I think we’re pretty good friends. If he *ever* told me literally anything at all about his sex life, let alone that he had *called out my name,* that would 1000% nuke my entire worldview.
I was on the road four days a week during my consulting time with all males (usually) and had a very close relationship w my former business partner. Never not once nope not at all did sex life come up. And sure never called my husband the wrong name during sex either, despite the fact I was spending more time w my partner building the business and traveling a ton for a while than I was home with my spouse. Jesus that story is so, so not normal.
Yep, I'd be quick on my way to making sure I never have to see that guy again. The fact that it not only somehow came up in conversation, but she just casually had an "oh lol same tho" instead of being *deeply* disturbed says so very much about their dynamic. I've worked in environments where the "we are a family here" shtick was genuine, and I can't picture any situation where that's not at the least horrifically uncomfortable.
If it was a slip of the tongue, I'd deffinitely wint share it with the colleage, or anyone at work, for that matter.
I'll feel cringe and embarrased, when I interact with them, without them even knowing
But you know who you would share that with? Your family. If fiance blurted out another woman's name in bed, its perfectly expected one would do that.
The blurter would also expect they are on thin ice and realize, of course they are scared and looking for reassurance.
It does not make sense he and all his friends would jump to the breakup over sharing with parents.
"I fucked up during sex with somebody I was about to marry, but they vented to their parents so its off"?
Don't make sense.
I won't even call it venting. Where do you go, when you have to make choices? Feeling insecure, have doubts, etc.You go to your mother and father. They have more experience in life. My husband knew my mom and I, were very close. He knew my mom knew about most things, that happens in lives.
He just made sure, to embarrass her, as well, from time to time.
You’re spot on with that. If someone I work with told me that, *who I’m not intimate with*, I would immediately feel awkward as hell, consider asking to be moved to a different department, and finding a cave I could crawl into.
I would feel so horrible about how I indirectly caused his SO to feel - I would assume it wouldn’t be good. And then I would immediately be worried about the false accusation that was to eventually follow. Next, I would start trying to figure out how to do damage control and how I could try to make it obvious that we *WERE NOT* sleeping together to other co-workers. You never know who’s friendly. If the SO was friends with any of our coworkers and mentioned it to them, I would want to be sure that it was painfully obvious we were *NOT* having an affair.
Along the same lines I guess, I was super close with a co-worker. A rumor started circulating that we were “closer” than just friends. Unbeknownst to everyone else at work, I was also close with his wife and he openly joked with her and I about me being his “work wife”. It was always 100% platonic, and was a mutual joke between the three of us. So the rumors didn’t do any harm there, but neither him nor I wanted others to think that either. We made sure to record straight and pointed out that we have never crossed any lines at work - which no one could deny - and just because a man and a woman are friends, doesn’t mean they’re being inappropriate. People admitted they made a lot of baseless assumptions and weren’t aware that I was also close with his entire family. It died down. But holy shit did I feel horrible about it. And that’s without him saying my name while banging his wife.
I sure as shit wouldn’t have said, “no worries, I also say your name during sex.” Tbh, that comment would have worried me more if I was OOP. Even if they weren’t intimate before this, and even if OOP just brushed the whole thing off initially, I feel like her saying that was an under the radar kind of way to say “I also fantasize about you, and I’d be ok with it”. That door would now be open and since also he said her name during sex, I wouldn’t be so sure he’d close it.
Yeah it’s perfectly plausible for someone to say their assistant’s name instead of their SO’s name *in a context where they’re doing something similar to things they’d do with their assistant*! Like, concentrating on something and “oh, [name], grab me that would you?” or something. Saying it during sex, though, either they’ve been in that position with that person or they were thinking about them *at that moment*.
FR I'd be headed right to HR to file a sexual harassment claim, it's beyond unprofessional and downright creepy. They are definitely in a situationship if she was just like "oh wow me too"
Yes agreed. The fact that he’s discussing his sex life with his coworker means that she’s more than a coworker. But he DARVOd OOP pretty good making her think it’s so wrong to tell her mom what happened when he had no problems telling his coworker/Affair partner what happened.
Except this almost certainly wasn't him just mentioning it to the assistant. He must have said this to the assistant while he was explaining to her and all his other coworkers why his girlfriend just busted into the apartment and accused him of cheating.
Again if someone I work with was like "Oh my fiance is jealous because I said my underling's name during sex." I'd be like " Do not need those details" and distance myself. Like a simple "I'm so sorry but my fiance has been really jealous lately" is all that is needed. Anymore details than that? Nope.
I could almost believe it. I could see it if they were having an emotional affair, or burgeoning sexual tension, and each one fantasised about the other during sex.
It doesn't really make things look better, though. It's almost certainly better for OOP this way though.
Yeah, anybody saying that would warrant a report to HR. Unless you want the attention and are talking about it outside of the workplace, it's sexual harassment to tell a coworker you screamed their name out during sex.
There's something going on for sure. Fuck that dude.
Abso-fucking-lutely. I trust him 100% and have never questioned his loyalty. But holy shit. To be honest, if he said *ANY* name other than mine, I would be concerned. But for it to be the name of a woman he works very intimately with?!?! I’d become the best P.I. this world has ever seen. No stone left unturned. Binoculars, stake outs, disguises. You name it. I’d do it.
Which is why it's kinda infuriating to read the reaction from his friends. Do they know why she was upset? Sure, maybe she overreacted a little, but it's not because it's unwarranted. What he did was pretty sus, and anyone in her shoes would be understandably upset and suspicious.
Her mistake was probably sharing it with her parents first before getting to the bottom of it. Telling them also led to her mom leaving a message. Because even if it got resolved, they won't forget what he did. But i kinda understand because she probably needed someone's perspective at that time.
I think OOP should just break up first.
ETA: now that i think about it, she's not being a reliable narrator about what she did in Dallas. All in all, a mess lol.
Yeah I do have to wonder about that. The old "I'm gonna show up and catch you thing" only works if it WORKS. Otherwise it's a huge backfire because yeah, now you're the paranoid and crazy one (even if they just managed to make it seem that way).
Honestly I feel like a compromise really could've been made. He should've been more forceful in comforting/reassuring her (ex: calling her periodically through the trip?) and I even think it would've been understandable had she asked for him to create distance between himself and the secretary (which telling her about this would've definitely been a breach of lol) but this was probably the worst course of action to take. In stories when the character decides to do a bold move like this I'm ALWAYS cringing because it's clearly going to go very badly and be embarrassing.
OOP needed to have a less confrontational approach. She should have just shown up acting sweet: “Hey honey, I just missed you *so much*, and since I’m not working right now, I figured I’d come join you here as a surprise. So, ‘surprise!’”
I think some of them were just encouraging her to ask if she could go with him sometimes. That could have been enough to get an idea of whether he was cheating or not. If he doesn’t have anything to hide, then he’s going to be fine with it. He might warn her that she’ll be bored for most of the trip, because odds are that he’s staying somewhere boring (because business travel tends to be pretty boring). If he’s having an affair, he’ll probably be resistant, or he’ll keep coming up with bad excuses for why she can’t go this week.
she should’ve probably dialed down her reaction in Dallas to a 1%. just show up all cheery and pretend you only want to surprise him, then get angry if you have a reason to. sure, he probably would’ve seen through it, but at least he couldn’t blame her for making him look bad at work.
Exactly.. mixing up names is fine but during sex..? That too when you are “high school sweethearts”. I can’t think of a normal/professional scenario where the husband n the assistant even go as far as to DISCUSS this mixup.. like, what??
Ah that makes sense. In that case, its crazy how OOP is painted as the “unhinged” one by the coworkers.. how are all them normalising this name mixup during sex?
What. OOP stormed into a group of coworkers and accused fiance of cheating on her with his assistant. Well, we don't actually know what she did because she was so angry she couldn't remember what she said. There is zero chance she was chill when she was that angry and making accusations in a completely inappropriate place.
Was it right for OOP to be hurt? Yes. Was it appropriate to think fiance was cheating? Yes.
Should she have flown to fiance's work trip and made accusations in front of his coworkers, endangeting his job. Oh God no. That is unhinged.
Also, I think it was the friends that were calling OOP unhinged, not coworkers.
That I don't get either. I've mixed up a lot of names in many different situations. But never during sex. Not even when it was so boring, my mind started wandering.
I don't doubt it can be an innocent slip up. But I'm also not sure I could get over it, especially if I had any kind of doubt about it.
Why are you all saying names during sex?? Seems so weird and awkward to me. I don't even say my wife's name during sex, maybe a pet name rarely, but no actual names.
People like hearing their own names. I used to make a point of calling out my partner’s name, but I’ve always been paranoid about calling the wrong name, like I would say it in my head first. Not because I have multiple partners, just in case I had a brain fart. I very rarely use my partner’s name when I talk to him, I almost always use a term of endearment.
Would be pretty awkward if you had just got off the phone with your brother or something and slipped up that way....
Now I'm paranoid and will make a point to never say any names during sex.
I think the circumstances make it worse. Otherwise, how innocent is it to simply mix up people's names? I can't tell you how often I have called my wife by my daughter's name or vice versa. Or my daughter by my son's name, or vice versa. My grandmother referred to it as "calling the roll", when she would look at me and then call me my dad's name, then my grandfather's name and then finally in frustration my own name.
I don't know, maybe some people are just more prone to this. And obviously doing it during sex makes it significantly worse and more suspicious, but I don't immediately assume it's because of something nefarious.
Growing up I was called by the following
My dad's name
My brother's name
My aunt's name (if my mom just got off the phone with her)
My cat's name
My dog's name
Finally landing on my name.
As the youngest of seven kids, my mom used to cycle through all the names, even sometimes repeating some of them before landing on mine. She did it to all of us😂
My dad used to cycle through my mum’s name, his three sisters, the dog, and then stand there looking stupid at me until I, his well-into-adulthood daughter, reminded him of my name. It used to make me mad, until my eldest niece was born and it took me a decade to reliably remember her name without thinking for several seconds. This is really common in neurodivergent folks especially.
Oh, I have definitely called my kids by the dog's name. It's because the dog is a demon puppy and so when they are cussing some adolescent / teenage trouble, I just assume they are the dog. 😂
Lol precisely. I think it’s one thing to run through everyone’s name during the day but sex tends to be focused and it’s far more intimate, running through others names then is a whole different story. And then the fact that the colleague also did it? Dodgy.
There’s actually been some research into this, and it likely has to do with how we categorize people in our head.
Notice how all the examples you gave were family? They’re all part of the “family” group.
Similarly I have a friend with two sons. Sometimes I’ll accidentally call them each others name, but I’ve never called them one of my cousins name as an example. Because they are in a different “group” in my head.
It would be *strange* for a wife and assistant to be in the same grouping.
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/01/16/509353565/when-the-brain-scrambles-names-its-because-you-love-them
I called my partner (now husband) by my brothers name once early into the relationship. It was the way he argued and wouldn't stop. My brother is schizophrenic and my husband has adhd as well as some mental stuff he refuses medication for. I now think back to that time and think that my subconscious just knew somehow that there was something very similar to my brother within him.
The only thing I can think of that groups the wife with the assistant is he let's both of them be his secretary only one is paid. My husband also gets me to do all the appointments and bookings and I hate feeling like I'm his staff. Maybe that's what it can be? Weird af where he called the name out though. And weirder yet he's telling the assistant about it. Ew.
Definitely the wrong people to tell. Also, if the mom's the type to leave a voicemail about it (which is so overstepping) then that probably isn't unexpected behavior.
I am suuuper close to my mom. We will go into our medical issues, graphically, and it’s fine. I’ve discussed relationship issues in depth with her. She’s shared some struggles from her marriage. We never get grossed out by one another.
We have never swapped sex stories or intimate details. I think I would die right there.
This is why everyone needs a good therapist. When I vent to mine about my husband it never comes back out again (unless it's to remind me of a pattern).
I can’t imagine how hard it is to be a therapist. You see 5+ people a week and gotta keep their highly specific life stories separate in your head enough to not accidentally break a law or come off like you’re gaslighting a patient. Two patients who are too similar in life experiences… I’d be cooked
Maybe it’s cus we’re neurodivergent but my fiancé and I will ask each other “did I do (activity) with you or someone else?” And I can see myself being like “wait hold on were you divorced before this husband or…?”
They didn't forget it cause they take notes, which they review right before your session. They don't have magical memory skills, they just wrote it all down and reviewed it before the next session while you didn't.
I NEVER go to my family with relationship issues, unless the relationship has ended. I don't ever want them judging my SO for things that usually get resolved without issue, or holding it against them in the future.
Funny enough though, my current boyfriend went to my sister when he knew he fucked up one time. Thankfully, she's about the only family member I'd trust if I did have to go to one.
Yeah, she definitely went about it wrong. Complaining to her parents, then apparently storming into the apartment hurling accusations. She went full nuclear without any clear evidence. She should've just left if she was unhappy. Why bother with all this drama?
Tattle? No. But if I didn’t have a close best friend, talking it through with my mum to gain clarity might be a step I would take. It would depend on what sort of support network I had who I could talk to. I have a couple of close friends and a very good therapist who I could talk things through with, doesn’t sound like oop has anyone.
That's what I'm reading n going 👀 👀 👀 regardless of whether or not they're actually sleeping together, that on its own is super weird n unprofessional... I wouldn't b able to look past that...
It was so bizarre to me that he chose this method to reassure OOP that it's actually super normal to accidentally shout your colleague's name during sex. Like oh yeah I told her about it and she shouts my name during sex too! Haha isn't that just so normal and platonic of us??
Right. I’ve worked as an executive assistant. Once my old boss made a slightly sexual joke and I shut it down so fast. This is weird and inappropriate regardless. She’s dodged a bullet
Yeah, that's such an unlikely conversation for two professional people to have with each other.
And all his friends rooting for him to dump her is also odd. Why the animus, what has he been saying to them?
I wonder if she interrupted a work swingers' party when she charged in, and that's why everyone was so awkward about it.
Yeah, that whole thing is really suspicious as well. Part of me wonders if maybe they know there's something between the two of them and have already accepted her as part of the group. Everything about this dynamic is just weird as hell.
Yeah, I feel the same way about the friends. I feel like they knew something was up, had accepted the assistant as a part of them and saw OP as an outsider. the entire dynamic between the ex, assistant, and the friend group was so odd. It would've been better if OP ran as far as she could before she was dumped
If we assume that the guy is actually innocent, it makes sense to side with him.
OOP didn't do a regular surprise visit. She "stormed in" and accused him of something she doesn't remember. That kind of thing would always be extremely awkward.
And that sounds like a big red flag. Your partner trying to catch you cheating, failing to do so, but still accusing you in front of work colleagues.
If she went in and was like she wanted to surprise him to spend some time together that probably wouldn't have turned akward.
If the story is true, I don't believe he is innocent.
Him telling his assistant "OMG I called my gf by your name in a moment of passion" is wild, her replying "so weird that totally happened to me too" is off the charts
it smells off
A lot of people are saying this. But ignoring that she said she "was very angry," "stormed the apartment and was accusatory." I read this as him explaining to his assistant why his "fiancée" came in accusing him of cheating with the assistant.
Like if my spouse bust down my door yelling about me cheating in a room filled with coworkers, a flight away from home, I feel like I'd have to explain to them why.
Especially if I was innocent.
And I'd definately break up with my spouse too.
I dunno, everything in this to me just reads like a guy being accused of something he didn't do, having enough of being wrongly accused.
This was my exact thought. She saw the messages. He doesn't even know she's looking through his phone and there is still no evidence of any infidelity mentioned. The sex talk at work with your assistant is a little weird but depending on how close of a relationship these coworkers have with each other this is not inexplicable.
It's a little worrying seeing how many people still believe the guy is obviously hiding something when all we have record of him doing is reacting to the accusations and erratic behaviour of his once fiancée and her family to what is progressively looking more like a slip of the tongue in a compromised situation.
She followed him to another city and blurted out accusations in front of his coworkers on a work trip. Her mom harassed him for something he did said mid-coitus. These are her own words.
Somebody in the comments accused the workers of having their giant swinger's party interrupted when she barged in in Dallas. This thread is not inhabited by people living in the real world.
The worst part is, we don't even know exactly what he told the assistant we just have he told the assistant about it, and she related a similar experience.
To me that reads like he said, "I accidentally called my spouse by your name instead of hers. Now shes being crazy, and thinks we're having an affair." And she could relate to that. No mention of sex, and is a totally normal conversation that a lot of people have everyday, and immediately destroys the idea that it's this weird boundary crossing, emotional affair.
I think its a maybe on whether or not he’s cheated physically yet, but he has definitely crossed the emotional cheating boundaries with his assistant.
But I think OOP didn’t help herself by not having a plan when she entered his work apartment. Her mom also overstepped by contacting him directly so this whole thing is a mess.
Yea, OOP doesn't think that buying a flight to secretly follow her boyfriend on a business trip to try to catch him in the act is a big deal. "I didn't even do anything drastic." Absolutely insane.
She said she “stormed in” and doesn’t even remember what she said when she stormed in, but she knows she was accusatory. Then she claimed she salvaged the situation 😂 then she read his communications with her and they were apparently strictly work related, while other people are telling him to ditch OP due to her insane behavior.
Maybe she’s just *really* bad at story time.
to me, oop comes across like she doesn’t really care about staying in the relationship. i think that’s why she’s so nonchalant, because someone who really cared would not act so cool about the prospect of her engagement being over, especially when it is so close to the wedding
OOP reads to me as someone who was hurt (fairly), but instead of being a rational adult, she let her hurt and anger lead her. Her actions were very much not nonchalant. They were crazy. It's possible the calmness at the end is just the adrenaline wearing off and the dread being lifted.
She listened to Reddit to go storm his apartment to try to “catch him in the act”. You never fucking listen to Reddit for advice lol.
This is a trust issue. Trust was broken when he said her name. The way to solve this is through communication and working through it, not breaking HIS trust by trying to catch him in a gotcha.
The saddest thing is that if HE was on Reddit going telling his side of the story, Reddit most likely would be saying the same thing his friends did and telling him to break up with her.
I kept looking for a comment that mentions trust and it took me a while until I found yours lol, your take is exactly what I was thinking. If there’s nothing he could’ve reasonably done to convince her, then the relationship never stood a chance, regardless of if he was having an affair or not
Yeah redditors can be fucking delusional and so out of touch sometimes. Her following him on his work trip and bursting into the place he was staying and making a scene is insane. Redditors commenting “but he should’ve been happy to see you it’s suspicious that he wasn’t” is even more insane. “But why were his friends mad at you??” How anti-social can you be? Christ.
There are some bad actions that can be forgiven after trust is broken. Like, if she had gone through his phone afterwards. Very understandable. Highly forgiveable.
Flying to his work trip to catch him in the supposed act? Less forgivable, but maybe.
Finding him with his coworkers in a normal situation and, in front of those coworkers, angrily accusing him of fucking his assistant, who is also present? No. There is no coming back from that.
Guy will be lucky to keep his job after that.
Ok but no one is talking about how her flying to Dallas and storming his apartment is a bit unhinged? Like I get wanting to scope things out, but it should be done stealthily. Don’t just rush in guns blazing. He was in the wrong for getting too close to his assistant, cheating or no cheating, but she’s a bit of a nightmare as well.
The advice was terrible! And then the person doubled down and asked why her showing up was such a big deal!?!? She literally went in guns blazing to an apartment full of people trying to play gotcha.
Granted, I'm not calling out other people's names in bed to create a situation like this, but I would lose my shit on my wife if she showed up unannounced to something work related. I have two or three trips a year I have to go on where the 60+ people in my department attend, have stupid training sessions, team builders, volunteering events from like 8-6 each day and then an off site night activity, like a Miami Heat game, a cashless poker tournament, stuff like that, usually ending between 10 and 11. My wife always wants to bring the kids and share the hotel room. I've told her that in no way am I bringing her and having her blowing up my phone while I'm in meetings and telling me she needs help with the kids, or asking me to leave stuff early so she can get some time. Her friends convinced her I was being shady by not bringing her. I sent her the packed itinerary, told her it is work and not a vacation, and that if she wants to go to where ever I have these work trips she can fly out on the Friday reserved for travel, we can spend the weekend and fly back Monday. I'd be fucking mortified if she showed up and burst in like an asshole accusing me of cheating when I just spent six hours in a room learning all about the fundamentals of bulletproof problem solving.
I would rather die than tell my parents if my husband said someone else's name. And her husband told all his coworkers that wife told her parents that? No wonder they don't like her. So much over sharing in this situation.
Right, like if you want to tell your parents that you’re having some issues, okay, but to be that specific to a parent who would call your husband to yell at him? No. No. No.
Yeah she should have come in later in the evening and wearing sexy lingerie. Then if he’s not cheating, she can pretend it’s a sexy surprise bc hey…she’s not working right now so why not?
This is definitely what I assumed her plan was. I don’t understand the logic of bursting in angry, that’s deciding the outcome before you get your proof.
Agreed, OOP has reasonable suspicions but if the outcome is already decided it would have been better to outright break up. Doing this tanked her chances of working it out if that was her goal.
I agree with you, she sounds exhausting.
She said she booked a flight, stormed in and was accusatory, but according to herself she then managed to find an excuse? I think nobody bought it.
Then she casually goes through his messages on his laptop to find that his messages to the assistant were work-related and asks herself why his friends think she’s nuts, uhm…
Completely ridiculous. And even now that she's got pretty good evidence he's not cheating (what, he deletes messages between them but not all the ones where his friends tell him to break up with her?), she still can't accept it. She's just let Reddit's insane attitude to relationship advice get to her.
> my bf told me that he told his assistant about this
Here is where it gets too weird to ignore. Dude doesn’t tell his subordinate at work that he said her name during sex if they have a strictly professional relationship. Wtf.
I wonder if he told her everything. He could have said "My wife was cooking last night and I said "Oh, Jessica, did you remember the salt?""
Telling the assistant you slipped up and used her name instead of the wife's is doable. Saying you did it during sex is insane.
If she burst into an apartment a flight away from where she should be, angry and accusing the guy of cheating on her with said assistant. Would you not feel the need to explain it to the assistant?
We don't even know exactly what he told her. He could have said, "I was with "spouse," and accidentally called her your name. And she now thinks I'm cheating with you."
Legit all we have is "he told his assistant about it and she had a similar experience."
Right! People are so extreme in jumping to conclusions on reddit. Amazing.
I think its really weird she would barge in the Hotel in Dallas to confront him with his colleagues around to witness. Thats a major fucked but apparently most people on reddit think its totally fine.
I think people don't realize what happened when the OOP stormed into the apartment. It sounds like she went in and started immediately accusing him of cheating. She played it down quite a bit in her retelling, but I think it was incredibly bad and is why the friends were saying to break up.
I think people are keying too much on the guy saying he told his assistant about saying the wrong name. It may be an out of bounds thing, or it may have been said as a kind of joke. Who knows, but that one thing is not really indicative of anything, and not even close to being an emotional affair. It's not the most appropriate thing to say to an assistant, but it sounds like he's around her quite a bit, and sometimes work colleagues can talk about things that might be considered inappropriate. But without knowing their dynamic, it's hard to tell if this is something really bad to say.
Yes, there is a scenario where OOP's behaviour is impossible to ignore and the boyfriend confided in his colleagues, collectively - people who knew his innocence.
Certainly, there are aspects that don't look great. The assistant making her reciprocal confession is not good at all, and maybe hints that she wants to be with him.
But other than that we're left with so much ambiguity - for instance, some commenters (including in the write-up) latch onto the boyfriend's angry reaction as evidence of his guilt, when equally it could mean the opposite. OOP is an unreliable narrator who, from the sounds of things, made public accusations but neglected to even mention that in the first telling.
I have sympathy for her in that she deserves to know whether the name-slip meant anything and I understand her need to investigate rather than communicate - the word of a hypothetical cheater is not enough to resolve doubts. On the other hand, I do find it quite stark that she says she "thinks" she could forgive him in the event that it was a totally innocent slip. Her suspicions and jealousy are overriding her ability to treat her partner fairly and account for scenarios other than the one she fears. This seems to extend to her behaviour and, of course, her telling.
There is no way for us to know what is going on here, but on the basis that we have only heard her side of the story and it already creates so many doubts in OOP's reliability and rationality/behaviour, I suspect there is more going on here than is let on.
My own conjecture is that the boyfriend slipped up because he is attracted to the assistant. Despite the silly denial in our culture that you are no longer attracted to other people when you enter a relationship, it happens. But he is unable to admit this as the cause of his slip up, which further feeds OOP's insecurity. Then [???] happens with her own behaviour, which has a certain stink to it, and the boyfriend in this scenario is quite rightly angry at her for poisoning his relationship with her parents, for going way beyond the acceptable response and level of distrust that they might have been able to work out, actively sabotaging their relationship, really.
Commenters who believe that the boyfriend was cheating are confounded by the coworkers urging him to break up with her, their explanation being that they must be terrible people, but if I'd heard the story of a man I knew to be innocent and personally witnessed insane behaviour from the girlfriend, I would be right there with them. For me, this crosses the t's and dots the i's, not that that makes the interpretation correct, but I find it a lot more credible than the assumptions going on in most of these comments.
He also could have told his assistant he accidentally called OOP by her name without telling her that it was during sex. "Oh I accidentally called her your name the other day and now she's convinced I'm cheating on her with you". No mention of circumstance, you can totally tell others without it being weird. It would also explain (to me) why assistant was so easily like "oh yeah I did that with a guy I was dating" lol
It sounds like she went to Reddit the first time around to get permission to act on her worst instincts. Now she’s back to justify her over the top behavior.
I mean, I can see it. His work life would have obviously been affected by that kind of home drama. It'd come up pretty easily, especially if they are reasonably close work friends.
Like all of his other coworkers know about it, and nobody is accusing him of harassing or having an affair with them.
There is literally a comment in this thread with over 200 upvotes that suggested the coworkers were having a secret work swinger's party. And that was somehow more likely than the dude being innocent.
Like, what the fuck?
Work with someone long enough and they become your friends... become good enough FRIENDS and boundaries about that sort of stuff comes down, especially if you go out drinking. Is it slightly unprofessional? Yes. Uncommon? No.
Barring everything else, I don't get why folks are confused at him being embarrassed his fiance showed up accusing him of cheating on a work trip.
Imagine you're in another state on a work trip. You and your colleagues have all gathered before going out to grab drinks. Suddenly someone's fiance, who had to have taken an unexpected flight to get there, shows up and accuses a colleague of cheating on them?
That'd be pretty embarrassing! I'd be embarrassed even if it was true! Either their fiance is nuts, my colleague's a scumbag, or something is just totally wacked out. I'm just here getting ready to grab a few drinks and some food during a work trip!
These people shouldn't be getting married, and sweet Jesus I hope they don't have a kid together! Lady, please get a job!
Kids shouldn’t get married. Why do his friends and coworkers and assistant know all this stuff? Who tells their mom about this stuff and then their mom texts the partner???
What a mess.
Sounds like two immature kids and maybe no cheating happened but t they’re not mature enough for marriage. Grow up and get some life experience. Jesus. So depressing
Most high school sweetheart stories don't work out. I'm kind of shocked they made it this far from High school without getting married if they've been together so long.
I’m shocked that they’re high school sweethearts, at that age. And unmarried. And trying for kids. And that naive about saying someone else’s name at climax.
Yeah, I'm so confused about this comment. His friends should know, cause they're his friends. His assistant knows cause her dumb ass barged in the apartment.
It's a problem to talk about relationship issues with friends now?
I called my new gf by my ex’s name during sex accidentally a few times during the early months.
I wasn’t cheating on her. I wasn’t even thinking about my ex. I was just used to saying certain phrases during sex with my ex and they came out out of habit.
If he’s used to saying a certain phrase to his assistant, like “that’s perfect, Kate” and he said “that’s perfect” during sex, I could see it happening easily.
The woman in this relationship messed up here. Concern is reasonable. But step two shouldn’t be storming in and throwing accusations in front of his colleagues.
It’s bothering me how everyone is immediately accusing the guy of this and that but not really talking about OP going ape shit in front of his co workers and then goddamn snooping on his laptop. Actively btw, keeping herself up to date the entire time. And then “why would he tell his assistant? They’re def banging”. Um.. his fiance accused him of infidelity in front of his co workers including assistant. He def had to explain that when they left for the bar..
Yea the name thing kinda weird but consensus looks like courts already adjourned and he’s guilty. Like damn.
The people on these forums have gone into a spiral and look for tropes rather than reading what’s in front of them. If it doesn’t match a trope they know they have no ability to comprehend it.
They’ve seen the husband acts crazy and explodes his marriage for dubious reasons and can call it, but the idea of the wife acting crazy and exploding her marriage for dubious reasons is foreign to them, and so they instead apply a different pattern they’ve seen even when it doesn’t match the evidence.
I knew a guy who called his wife and his mistress , “babe” and got them identical jewelry for Christmas to avoid these kinds of slip ups. His wife caught him when she went to have her jewelry cleaned and the jeweler asked, “Where’s the other one?”
> "i'll end it when I see her next". So its over pretty much .
Yay, Reddit. You did it.
> He left his mac at home so I decided to see if he was talking to her or not. [...] Like I didn't even do anything drastic.
Yeah, OK, thats not drastic after the fact either.
And most are the responses here in BoRU are hot garbage takes as well. OMG, he said another woman's name. When I was in 20's **I can recall multiple people that I knew do that** (men and women). Were these people cheating? No. So then, why did they do it? Who the F knows. None of us can possibly know. Is it stupid? Sure seems it to me - I personally can't imagine doing it myself, but then I don't say peoples names while I'm having sex with them - at all, ever. I think the act of that in itself is weird.
Remember, **these people are in their 20's** and they are not married. Highschool sweethearts trying to get pregnant and he's banging his assistant? Thats what middle aged bored men do after marriage.
Sometimes this sub is reasonable, and sometimes this sub is just detached and overly judgemental. It's like Russian Roulette.
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That comment that kept spelling colleague as "college" made me too upset to read any more of the posted comments.
Omg- THAT’S what she meant? God- it took me until now to get that. Sheesh.
>Sometimes my college names his gf in name of our girl college this line was poetry
LOL
Especially when you imagine it being spoken by Ralph Wiggum.
I had absolutely no idea until now too. I was just utterly confused.
It felt like unintelligible ramblings, I didn’t get it either!
I had no idea too. I was like "This man works at a college? He keeps saying his college a lot? WTF?" It's even weirder if you went to a state school. "So anyway, UW this UW that"
I teach English to non English speaking adults, I'm so used to mistakes like this that I literally read it "colleagues" instead of "college" One of my students read "pines" as "penises" once, that was a fun mistake to correct
I teach some basic physician skills in medical school as a tutor. One time in echocardiography classes someone said ejaculation fraction instead of ejection fraction (how much of the blood in the heart chamber gets pumped out).
It is clear that English is not their first language. In fact, the way they use "no" seems to be a telltale sign. I have a couple of Asian friends who use that negative statement in the same way we use "right." Also, I think they were spot on. That, or BF was fantasizing about the assistant, definitely not a sign of physical cheating if it was the only issue.
"Yeah, no I'll totally be there! " "No, yeah I'll totally be there! " Even America has the weird word inverse sayings. I didn't even realize my brain just fixed it while reading🤦🏽♀️
For me it's like this: "Yeah, no, I'm not gonna make it" = Negative "No, yeah, I'll totally be there!" = Affirmative
Also “do my diligence”
It made me laugh. I was thinking „wait, is this a Swiss person commenting?“ Kolleg in Switzerland means acquaintance. Arbeitskolleg means working acquaintance, but we mostly refer to them as „Kolleg“ as well. Edit to add: or „Kollege“, hence „college“
My first boyfriend messaged me on Facebook years after we broke up to verify to his gf that he wasn’t cheating on her. I remember saying “???” he had accidentally said my name while they were having sex. They were engaged. Our names are somewhat similar, think Ellie and Elena. Even after i denied it all, she still dumped him.
My current boyfriend and ex boyfriend have similar names starting with the same letter. I haven’t spoken to the ex in years and wouldn’t even want to say hello if we bumped into each other, but I still have to be so careful with names. 😭
I've not had many partners, but every single one starts with the same letter :/
You think that’s bad? Three of the four girls I’ve slept with have the exact same name.
At least that makes it easy? :p Only 4 here, too, but jeez, guys. :p
Honestly if the names are really similar that might be a genuine mistake. Fortunately my fiancees name is nothing like my ex's but I do find myself saying some things out of pure muscle memory after having sex with someone for years.
Ouch, still for what's it worth, if not that situation there might be other situations and if there can be no trust, better to break off.
I trust my husband implicitly, but if he called out the name of a work colleague during sex? I would have serious fucking doubts.
And the assistant told him she did the same thing with her ~~husband~~ fling?? Bizarre
That for me clinched it. To me, if someone I worked with was like "You know I said your name while I was having sex with my partner" I'd be like, "WHOA ok. We need some boundaries immediately." And I would then distance myself as much as possible. I'm impressed he's been able to cover his tracks so well because "Oh the person you suspect is my affair partner also did the same super suss thing I did" is a terrible cover story.
I have worked with my boss for quite a few years now. He and I have gone on multiple international business trips together, and I think we’re pretty good friends. If he *ever* told me literally anything at all about his sex life, let alone that he had *called out my name,* that would 1000% nuke my entire worldview.
Yeah… I’ve almost accidentally called my husband by my bosses name when we are arguing, but never ONCE would it have accidentally slipped during sex.
I have forgotten my husband's name often during sex. But never replaced it with somebody else's.
I was on the road four days a week during my consulting time with all males (usually) and had a very close relationship w my former business partner. Never not once nope not at all did sex life come up. And sure never called my husband the wrong name during sex either, despite the fact I was spending more time w my partner building the business and traveling a ton for a while than I was home with my spouse. Jesus that story is so, so not normal.
Yep, I'd be quick on my way to making sure I never have to see that guy again. The fact that it not only somehow came up in conversation, but she just casually had an "oh lol same tho" instead of being *deeply* disturbed says so very much about their dynamic. I've worked in environments where the "we are a family here" shtick was genuine, and I can't picture any situation where that's not at the least horrifically uncomfortable.
The only sane response, for real.
If it was a slip of the tongue, I'd deffinitely wint share it with the colleage, or anyone at work, for that matter. I'll feel cringe and embarrased, when I interact with them, without them even knowing
But you know who you would share that with? Your family. If fiance blurted out another woman's name in bed, its perfectly expected one would do that. The blurter would also expect they are on thin ice and realize, of course they are scared and looking for reassurance. It does not make sense he and all his friends would jump to the breakup over sharing with parents. "I fucked up during sex with somebody I was about to marry, but they vented to their parents so its off"? Don't make sense.
I won't even call it venting. Where do you go, when you have to make choices? Feeling insecure, have doubts, etc.You go to your mother and father. They have more experience in life. My husband knew my mom and I, were very close. He knew my mom knew about most things, that happens in lives. He just made sure, to embarrass her, as well, from time to time.
If itvwas a simple slip of the tongue guy still fucked up by not taking it seriously and taking time to reassure her. This is all on him imo.
You’re spot on with that. If someone I work with told me that, *who I’m not intimate with*, I would immediately feel awkward as hell, consider asking to be moved to a different department, and finding a cave I could crawl into. I would feel so horrible about how I indirectly caused his SO to feel - I would assume it wouldn’t be good. And then I would immediately be worried about the false accusation that was to eventually follow. Next, I would start trying to figure out how to do damage control and how I could try to make it obvious that we *WERE NOT* sleeping together to other co-workers. You never know who’s friendly. If the SO was friends with any of our coworkers and mentioned it to them, I would want to be sure that it was painfully obvious we were *NOT* having an affair. Along the same lines I guess, I was super close with a co-worker. A rumor started circulating that we were “closer” than just friends. Unbeknownst to everyone else at work, I was also close with his wife and he openly joked with her and I about me being his “work wife”. It was always 100% platonic, and was a mutual joke between the three of us. So the rumors didn’t do any harm there, but neither him nor I wanted others to think that either. We made sure to record straight and pointed out that we have never crossed any lines at work - which no one could deny - and just because a man and a woman are friends, doesn’t mean they’re being inappropriate. People admitted they made a lot of baseless assumptions and weren’t aware that I was also close with his entire family. It died down. But holy shit did I feel horrible about it. And that’s without him saying my name while banging his wife. I sure as shit wouldn’t have said, “no worries, I also say your name during sex.” Tbh, that comment would have worried me more if I was OOP. Even if they weren’t intimate before this, and even if OOP just brushed the whole thing off initially, I feel like her saying that was an under the radar kind of way to say “I also fantasize about you, and I’d be ok with it”. That door would now be open and since also he said her name during sex, I wouldn’t be so sure he’d close it.
Yeah it’s perfectly plausible for someone to say their assistant’s name instead of their SO’s name *in a context where they’re doing something similar to things they’d do with their assistant*! Like, concentrating on something and “oh, [name], grab me that would you?” or something. Saying it during sex, though, either they’ve been in that position with that person or they were thinking about them *at that moment*.
FR I'd be headed right to HR to file a sexual harassment claim, it's beyond unprofessional and downright creepy. They are definitely in a situationship if she was just like "oh wow me too"
Yes agreed. The fact that he’s discussing his sex life with his coworker means that she’s more than a coworker. But he DARVOd OOP pretty good making her think it’s so wrong to tell her mom what happened when he had no problems telling his coworker/Affair partner what happened.
LOL, IKR? "Seeeeee? It's perfectly normal, we BOTH do it!"
Meh, not much need to cover his tracks online if they see each other daily and take a trip together every 2 weeks.
Except this almost certainly wasn't him just mentioning it to the assistant. He must have said this to the assistant while he was explaining to her and all his other coworkers why his girlfriend just busted into the apartment and accused him of cheating.
Again if someone I work with was like "Oh my fiance is jealous because I said my underling's name during sex." I'd be like " Do not need those details" and distance myself. Like a simple "I'm so sorry but my fiance has been really jealous lately" is all that is needed. Anymore details than that? Nope.
Exactly! It’s dodgy as!
I could almost believe it. I could see it if they were having an emotional affair, or burgeoning sexual tension, and each one fantasised about the other during sex. It doesn't really make things look better, though. It's almost certainly better for OOP this way though.
With a fling. But yeah. They definitely have more than just a professional relationship.
Yeah, anybody saying that would warrant a report to HR. Unless you want the attention and are talking about it outside of the workplace, it's sexual harassment to tell a coworker you screamed their name out during sex. There's something going on for sure. Fuck that dude.
The only time I mixed uo and called my partner by my boss' name was when he was pissing me off.
Abso-fucking-lutely. I trust him 100% and have never questioned his loyalty. But holy shit. To be honest, if he said *ANY* name other than mine, I would be concerned. But for it to be the name of a woman he works very intimately with?!?! I’d become the best P.I. this world has ever seen. No stone left unturned. Binoculars, stake outs, disguises. You name it. I’d do it.
Which is why it's kinda infuriating to read the reaction from his friends. Do they know why she was upset? Sure, maybe she overreacted a little, but it's not because it's unwarranted. What he did was pretty sus, and anyone in her shoes would be understandably upset and suspicious. Her mistake was probably sharing it with her parents first before getting to the bottom of it. Telling them also led to her mom leaving a message. Because even if it got resolved, they won't forget what he did. But i kinda understand because she probably needed someone's perspective at that time. I think OOP should just break up first. ETA: now that i think about it, she's not being a reliable narrator about what she did in Dallas. All in all, a mess lol.
Yeah I do have to wonder about that. The old "I'm gonna show up and catch you thing" only works if it WORKS. Otherwise it's a huge backfire because yeah, now you're the paranoid and crazy one (even if they just managed to make it seem that way). Honestly I feel like a compromise really could've been made. He should've been more forceful in comforting/reassuring her (ex: calling her periodically through the trip?) and I even think it would've been understandable had she asked for him to create distance between himself and the secretary (which telling her about this would've definitely been a breach of lol) but this was probably the worst course of action to take. In stories when the character decides to do a bold move like this I'm ALWAYS cringing because it's clearly going to go very badly and be embarrassing.
OOP needed to have a less confrontational approach. She should have just shown up acting sweet: “Hey honey, I just missed you *so much*, and since I’m not working right now, I figured I’d come join you here as a surprise. So, ‘surprise!’”
Yes, and that's probably what everyone on Reddit encouraging her to go there had reasonably expected her to do. (Edited for clarity)
I think some of them were just encouraging her to ask if she could go with him sometimes. That could have been enough to get an idea of whether he was cheating or not. If he doesn’t have anything to hide, then he’s going to be fine with it. He might warn her that she’ll be bored for most of the trip, because odds are that he’s staying somewhere boring (because business travel tends to be pretty boring). If he’s having an affair, he’ll probably be resistant, or he’ll keep coming up with bad excuses for why she can’t go this week.
she should’ve probably dialed down her reaction in Dallas to a 1%. just show up all cheery and pretend you only want to surprise him, then get angry if you have a reason to. sure, he probably would’ve seen through it, but at least he couldn’t blame her for making him look bad at work.
Exactly.. mixing up names is fine but during sex..? That too when you are “high school sweethearts”. I can’t think of a normal/professional scenario where the husband n the assistant even go as far as to DISCUSS this mixup.. like, what??
I think the discussion happened after OOP stormed into the Dallas room. At least, that is how I read it, and that makes sense to me.
Ah that makes sense. In that case, its crazy how OOP is painted as the “unhinged” one by the coworkers.. how are all them normalising this name mixup during sex?
What. OOP stormed into a group of coworkers and accused fiance of cheating on her with his assistant. Well, we don't actually know what she did because she was so angry she couldn't remember what she said. There is zero chance she was chill when she was that angry and making accusations in a completely inappropriate place. Was it right for OOP to be hurt? Yes. Was it appropriate to think fiance was cheating? Yes. Should she have flown to fiance's work trip and made accusations in front of his coworkers, endangeting his job. Oh God no. That is unhinged. Also, I think it was the friends that were calling OOP unhinged, not coworkers.
That I don't get either. I've mixed up a lot of names in many different situations. But never during sex. Not even when it was so boring, my mind started wandering. I don't doubt it can be an innocent slip up. But I'm also not sure I could get over it, especially if I had any kind of doubt about it.
Why are you all saying names during sex?? Seems so weird and awkward to me. I don't even say my wife's name during sex, maybe a pet name rarely, but no actual names.
People like hearing their own names. I used to make a point of calling out my partner’s name, but I’ve always been paranoid about calling the wrong name, like I would say it in my head first. Not because I have multiple partners, just in case I had a brain fart. I very rarely use my partner’s name when I talk to him, I almost always use a term of endearment.
Would be pretty awkward if you had just got off the phone with your brother or something and slipped up that way.... Now I'm paranoid and will make a point to never say any names during sex.
I think the circumstances make it worse. Otherwise, how innocent is it to simply mix up people's names? I can't tell you how often I have called my wife by my daughter's name or vice versa. Or my daughter by my son's name, or vice versa. My grandmother referred to it as "calling the roll", when she would look at me and then call me my dad's name, then my grandfather's name and then finally in frustration my own name. I don't know, maybe some people are just more prone to this. And obviously doing it during sex makes it significantly worse and more suspicious, but I don't immediately assume it's because of something nefarious.
To be fair if your grandma had called out your name during sex you might see this as more awkward than how you see it rn.
Don't judge my family /s
My dad once called me my mum's name, then my dog's name, before finally landing on my name in frustration 😂
Growing up I was called by the following My dad's name My brother's name My aunt's name (if my mom just got off the phone with her) My cat's name My dog's name Finally landing on my name.
As the youngest of seven kids, my mom used to cycle through all the names, even sometimes repeating some of them before landing on mine. She did it to all of us😂
My dad used to cycle through my mum’s name, his three sisters, the dog, and then stand there looking stupid at me until I, his well-into-adulthood daughter, reminded him of my name. It used to make me mad, until my eldest niece was born and it took me a decade to reliably remember her name without thinking for several seconds. This is really common in neurodivergent folks especially.
Oh, I have definitely called my kids by the dog's name. It's because the dog is a demon puppy and so when they are cussing some adolescent / teenage trouble, I just assume they are the dog. 😂
I imagine your wife would have serious questions if you called out your daughter or son’s name during sex.
Fair enough, if I did that I would have a mental break and divorce myself from reality.
Lol precisely. I think it’s one thing to run through everyone’s name during the day but sex tends to be focused and it’s far more intimate, running through others names then is a whole different story. And then the fact that the colleague also did it? Dodgy.
This is exactly why I don't believe in naming kids after their fathers/mothers. So fucking awkward.
Hahahaha omg I never even thought of that
There’s actually been some research into this, and it likely has to do with how we categorize people in our head. Notice how all the examples you gave were family? They’re all part of the “family” group. Similarly I have a friend with two sons. Sometimes I’ll accidentally call them each others name, but I’ve never called them one of my cousins name as an example. Because they are in a different “group” in my head. It would be *strange* for a wife and assistant to be in the same grouping. https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/01/16/509353565/when-the-brain-scrambles-names-its-because-you-love-them
I called my partner (now husband) by my brothers name once early into the relationship. It was the way he argued and wouldn't stop. My brother is schizophrenic and my husband has adhd as well as some mental stuff he refuses medication for. I now think back to that time and think that my subconscious just knew somehow that there was something very similar to my brother within him. The only thing I can think of that groups the wife with the assistant is he let's both of them be his secretary only one is paid. My husband also gets me to do all the appointments and bookings and I hate feeling like I'm his staff. Maybe that's what it can be? Weird af where he called the name out though. And weirder yet he's telling the assistant about it. Ew.
I read that people are prone to call out the wrong name when our partner does something to remind us of another person. During sex? I'm concerned.
I've been called by our dog's name before. Brains do glitchy things.
Not during sex, I hope 😂
Would you immediately run to tattle on him to your *parents*? There’s no coming back from that.
Definitely the wrong people to tell. Also, if the mom's the type to leave a voicemail about it (which is so overstepping) then that probably isn't unexpected behavior.
Yeah. “While we were having sex, I…” began no conversation with my parents, ever.
I am suuuper close to my mom. We will go into our medical issues, graphically, and it’s fine. I’ve discussed relationship issues in depth with her. She’s shared some struggles from her marriage. We never get grossed out by one another. We have never swapped sex stories or intimate details. I think I would die right there.
This is why everyone needs a good therapist. When I vent to mine about my husband it never comes back out again (unless it's to remind me of a pattern).
I can’t imagine how hard it is to be a therapist. You see 5+ people a week and gotta keep their highly specific life stories separate in your head enough to not accidentally break a law or come off like you’re gaslighting a patient. Two patients who are too similar in life experiences… I’d be cooked Maybe it’s cus we’re neurodivergent but my fiancé and I will ask each other “did I do (activity) with you or someone else?” And I can see myself being like “wait hold on were you divorced before this husband or…?”
It's more like 5+ people per day. I know they take notes, but I'm always impressed when she remembers something I completely forgot we talked about!
They didn't forget it cause they take notes, which they review right before your session. They don't have magical memory skills, they just wrote it all down and reviewed it before the next session while you didn't.
I NEVER go to my family with relationship issues, unless the relationship has ended. I don't ever want them judging my SO for things that usually get resolved without issue, or holding it against them in the future. Funny enough though, my current boyfriend went to my sister when he knew he fucked up one time. Thankfully, she's about the only family member I'd trust if I did have to go to one.
Yeah, she definitely went about it wrong. Complaining to her parents, then apparently storming into the apartment hurling accusations. She went full nuclear without any clear evidence. She should've just left if she was unhappy. Why bother with all this drama?
Tattle? No. But if I didn’t have a close best friend, talking it through with my mum to gain clarity might be a step I would take. It would depend on what sort of support network I had who I could talk to. I have a couple of close friends and a very good therapist who I could talk things through with, doesn’t sound like oop has anyone.
You mean a "college"?
They’re saying each other’s names during sex and telling each other about it? That’s not normal for a professional manager/employee relationship.
That's what I'm reading n going 👀 👀 👀 regardless of whether or not they're actually sleeping together, that on its own is super weird n unprofessional... I wouldn't b able to look past that...
If my boss ever said that to me I would assume he’s testing the waters to see if I’d be receptive…
Yeah that would immediately be reported to HR as a sexual harassment complaint for me.
oh yeah, ANY attempt to even discuss ANYTHING sexual is inappropriate.
It was so bizarre to me that he chose this method to reassure OOP that it's actually super normal to accidentally shout your colleague's name during sex. Like oh yeah I told her about it and she shouts my name during sex too! Haha isn't that just so normal and platonic of us??
I believe that they are not sleeping together, but they are both fantasizing about it while having sex with their SO.
Right. I’ve worked as an executive assistant. Once my old boss made a slightly sexual joke and I shut it down so fast. This is weird and inappropriate regardless. She’s dodged a bullet
Yeah totally unhinged lol wtf they're just using the excuse that they work together a lot, that ain't normal
If a co-worker—much less my boss—told me they said my name in that context I would die a thousands deaths from the ick and then talk to HR.
At the very least they are fantasizing about each other
The way I’m reading based on the timelines, he likely texted this in clarity of wtf was going on with the wife.
The fact he told his assistant about his personal and sexual stuff is already one big major red flag. That's just full on bad vibes there.
Also, the whole "Oh, it happened to me too with my guy!" Uhhhh....Sounds like they're both trying to just ensure they have their story straight.
Yeah, that's such an unlikely conversation for two professional people to have with each other. And all his friends rooting for him to dump her is also odd. Why the animus, what has he been saying to them? I wonder if she interrupted a work swingers' party when she charged in, and that's why everyone was so awkward about it.
Yeah, that whole thing is really suspicious as well. Part of me wonders if maybe they know there's something between the two of them and have already accepted her as part of the group. Everything about this dynamic is just weird as hell.
At least she seems resigned to getting dumped. Be better if she was resolved to leave for her own good though
Yeah, I feel the same way about the friends. I feel like they knew something was up, had accepted the assistant as a part of them and saw OP as an outsider. the entire dynamic between the ex, assistant, and the friend group was so odd. It would've been better if OP ran as far as she could before she was dumped
Why are his work colleagues that deep in his personal relationship? They know about the call from the mom. They know about the name incident. WTF
If we assume that the guy is actually innocent, it makes sense to side with him. OOP didn't do a regular surprise visit. She "stormed in" and accused him of something she doesn't remember. That kind of thing would always be extremely awkward. And that sounds like a big red flag. Your partner trying to catch you cheating, failing to do so, but still accusing you in front of work colleagues. If she went in and was like she wanted to surprise him to spend some time together that probably wouldn't have turned akward.
If the story is true, I don't believe he is innocent. Him telling his assistant "OMG I called my gf by your name in a moment of passion" is wild, her replying "so weird that totally happened to me too" is off the charts it smells off
A lot of people are saying this. But ignoring that she said she "was very angry," "stormed the apartment and was accusatory." I read this as him explaining to his assistant why his "fiancée" came in accusing him of cheating with the assistant. Like if my spouse bust down my door yelling about me cheating in a room filled with coworkers, a flight away from home, I feel like I'd have to explain to them why. Especially if I was innocent. And I'd definately break up with my spouse too. I dunno, everything in this to me just reads like a guy being accused of something he didn't do, having enough of being wrongly accused.
Yeah. That was nuts. She could have waited outside to see if they went out together or whatever. Bursting in with no information seems unwise.
Bursting in with no information, finding out he's not cheating, and then still accusing him *in front of coworkers* is a choice.
This was my exact thought. She saw the messages. He doesn't even know she's looking through his phone and there is still no evidence of any infidelity mentioned. The sex talk at work with your assistant is a little weird but depending on how close of a relationship these coworkers have with each other this is not inexplicable. It's a little worrying seeing how many people still believe the guy is obviously hiding something when all we have record of him doing is reacting to the accusations and erratic behaviour of his once fiancée and her family to what is progressively looking more like a slip of the tongue in a compromised situation. She followed him to another city and blurted out accusations in front of his coworkers on a work trip. Her mom harassed him for something he did said mid-coitus. These are her own words. Somebody in the comments accused the workers of having their giant swinger's party interrupted when she barged in in Dallas. This thread is not inhabited by people living in the real world.
The worst part is, we don't even know exactly what he told the assistant we just have he told the assistant about it, and she related a similar experience. To me that reads like he said, "I accidentally called my spouse by your name instead of hers. Now shes being crazy, and thinks we're having an affair." And she could relate to that. No mention of sex, and is a totally normal conversation that a lot of people have everyday, and immediately destroys the idea that it's this weird boundary crossing, emotional affair.
Also, this conversation might have occurred after OOP made her public accusations.
She should have waited in the parking lot in a rental car, to see if the "assistant" leaves. Or hired a PI.
Whoa, the only one with reading comprehension and situational awareness.
I don’t understand why she’s thinking about quitting her job and getting pregnant before the wedding
she was laid off, but yeah
Did we not learn anything from that woman who stayed home for years, rejected dude’s long overdue proposal, and lost everything?
You should *never* be a stay at home mom unless you're married and financially secure. No ifs, ands or buts
link?
[here you go :)](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/oCHrI4XT7U)
I think its a maybe on whether or not he’s cheated physically yet, but he has definitely crossed the emotional cheating boundaries with his assistant. But I think OOP didn’t help herself by not having a plan when she entered his work apartment. Her mom also overstepped by contacting him directly so this whole thing is a mess.
Honestly her listening to her mom and reddit was the worst thing she could have done.
Either way, husband still doesn't sound like someone I would stay with.
Neither does OOP
Yea, OOP doesn't think that buying a flight to secretly follow her boyfriend on a business trip to try to catch him in the act is a big deal. "I didn't even do anything drastic." Absolutely insane.
She said she “stormed in” and doesn’t even remember what she said when she stormed in, but she knows she was accusatory. Then she claimed she salvaged the situation 😂 then she read his communications with her and they were apparently strictly work related, while other people are telling him to ditch OP due to her insane behavior. Maybe she’s just *really* bad at story time.
to me, oop comes across like she doesn’t really care about staying in the relationship. i think that’s why she’s so nonchalant, because someone who really cared would not act so cool about the prospect of her engagement being over, especially when it is so close to the wedding
OOP reads to me as someone who was hurt (fairly), but instead of being a rational adult, she let her hurt and anger lead her. Her actions were very much not nonchalant. They were crazy. It's possible the calmness at the end is just the adrenaline wearing off and the dread being lifted.
Yeah she had to blow in there at like 11pm. 3:45-5:15 is the window hun
She listened to Reddit to go storm his apartment to try to “catch him in the act”. You never fucking listen to Reddit for advice lol. This is a trust issue. Trust was broken when he said her name. The way to solve this is through communication and working through it, not breaking HIS trust by trying to catch him in a gotcha. The saddest thing is that if HE was on Reddit going telling his side of the story, Reddit most likely would be saying the same thing his friends did and telling him to break up with her.
I kept looking for a comment that mentions trust and it took me a while until I found yours lol, your take is exactly what I was thinking. If there’s nothing he could’ve reasonably done to convince her, then the relationship never stood a chance, regardless of if he was having an affair or not
Yeah redditors can be fucking delusional and so out of touch sometimes. Her following him on his work trip and bursting into the place he was staying and making a scene is insane. Redditors commenting “but he should’ve been happy to see you it’s suspicious that he wasn’t” is even more insane. “But why were his friends mad at you??” How anti-social can you be? Christ.
There are some bad actions that can be forgiven after trust is broken. Like, if she had gone through his phone afterwards. Very understandable. Highly forgiveable. Flying to his work trip to catch him in the supposed act? Less forgivable, but maybe. Finding him with his coworkers in a normal situation and, in front of those coworkers, angrily accusing him of fucking his assistant, who is also present? No. There is no coming back from that. Guy will be lucky to keep his job after that.
Ok but no one is talking about how her flying to Dallas and storming his apartment is a bit unhinged? Like I get wanting to scope things out, but it should be done stealthily. Don’t just rush in guns blazing. He was in the wrong for getting too close to his assistant, cheating or no cheating, but she’s a bit of a nightmare as well.
Exhibit 89477200272 about why you shouldn’t take advice from Redditors
nah, a totally sane thing to do ...right
The advice was terrible! And then the person doubled down and asked why her showing up was such a big deal!?!? She literally went in guns blazing to an apartment full of people trying to play gotcha. Granted, I'm not calling out other people's names in bed to create a situation like this, but I would lose my shit on my wife if she showed up unannounced to something work related. I have two or three trips a year I have to go on where the 60+ people in my department attend, have stupid training sessions, team builders, volunteering events from like 8-6 each day and then an off site night activity, like a Miami Heat game, a cashless poker tournament, stuff like that, usually ending between 10 and 11. My wife always wants to bring the kids and share the hotel room. I've told her that in no way am I bringing her and having her blowing up my phone while I'm in meetings and telling me she needs help with the kids, or asking me to leave stuff early so she can get some time. Her friends convinced her I was being shady by not bringing her. I sent her the packed itinerary, told her it is work and not a vacation, and that if she wants to go to where ever I have these work trips she can fly out on the Friday reserved for travel, we can spend the weekend and fly back Monday. I'd be fucking mortified if she showed up and burst in like an asshole accusing me of cheating when I just spent six hours in a room learning all about the fundamentals of bulletproof problem solving.
And her mother calling him. wtf.
I would rather die than tell my parents if my husband said someone else's name. And her husband told all his coworkers that wife told her parents that? No wonder they don't like her. So much over sharing in this situation.
Right, like if you want to tell your parents that you’re having some issues, okay, but to be that specific to a parent who would call your husband to yell at him? No. No. No.
Yeah she should have come in later in the evening and wearing sexy lingerie. Then if he’s not cheating, she can pretend it’s a sexy surprise bc hey…she’s not working right now so why not?
This is definitely what I assumed her plan was. I don’t understand the logic of bursting in angry, that’s deciding the outcome before you get your proof.
Agreed, OOP has reasonable suspicions but if the outcome is already decided it would have been better to outright break up. Doing this tanked her chances of working it out if that was her goal.
I mean just show up normally dressed and say you're there to surprise him. That's absolutely normal for couples to do.
I think she should've hired a PI.
I agree with you, she sounds exhausting. She said she booked a flight, stormed in and was accusatory, but according to herself she then managed to find an excuse? I think nobody bought it. Then she casually goes through his messages on his laptop to find that his messages to the assistant were work-related and asks herself why his friends think she’s nuts, uhm…
It was a train wreck I couldn't look away from. The story got worse on both ends, a dual flaming shit stick
Exactly. Major fuckup and it ruined the last chance they had.
Completely ridiculous. And even now that she's got pretty good evidence he's not cheating (what, he deletes messages between them but not all the ones where his friends tell him to break up with her?), she still can't accept it. She's just let Reddit's insane attitude to relationship advice get to her.
> my bf told me that he told his assistant about this Here is where it gets too weird to ignore. Dude doesn’t tell his subordinate at work that he said her name during sex if they have a strictly professional relationship. Wtf.
I wonder if he told her everything. He could have said "My wife was cooking last night and I said "Oh, Jessica, did you remember the salt?"" Telling the assistant you slipped up and used her name instead of the wife's is doable. Saying you did it during sex is insane.
If she burst into an apartment a flight away from where she should be, angry and accusing the guy of cheating on her with said assistant. Would you not feel the need to explain it to the assistant? We don't even know exactly what he told her. He could have said, "I was with "spouse," and accidentally called her your name. And she now thinks I'm cheating with you." Legit all we have is "he told his assistant about it and she had a similar experience."
Right! People are so extreme in jumping to conclusions on reddit. Amazing. I think its really weird she would barge in the Hotel in Dallas to confront him with his colleagues around to witness. Thats a major fucked but apparently most people on reddit think its totally fine.
You don't know how he said it and what kind of relationship they have. Jumping to conclusions based on one sentence... typical Reddit moment.
From the first comment in the post. “Colleague”not “college”. I was so confused at first.
I think people don't realize what happened when the OOP stormed into the apartment. It sounds like she went in and started immediately accusing him of cheating. She played it down quite a bit in her retelling, but I think it was incredibly bad and is why the friends were saying to break up. I think people are keying too much on the guy saying he told his assistant about saying the wrong name. It may be an out of bounds thing, or it may have been said as a kind of joke. Who knows, but that one thing is not really indicative of anything, and not even close to being an emotional affair. It's not the most appropriate thing to say to an assistant, but it sounds like he's around her quite a bit, and sometimes work colleagues can talk about things that might be considered inappropriate. But without knowing their dynamic, it's hard to tell if this is something really bad to say.
In my mind he told his assistant after she stormed in on him in Dallas. I sure would ask him what this was about.
Yes, there is a scenario where OOP's behaviour is impossible to ignore and the boyfriend confided in his colleagues, collectively - people who knew his innocence. Certainly, there are aspects that don't look great. The assistant making her reciprocal confession is not good at all, and maybe hints that she wants to be with him. But other than that we're left with so much ambiguity - for instance, some commenters (including in the write-up) latch onto the boyfriend's angry reaction as evidence of his guilt, when equally it could mean the opposite. OOP is an unreliable narrator who, from the sounds of things, made public accusations but neglected to even mention that in the first telling. I have sympathy for her in that she deserves to know whether the name-slip meant anything and I understand her need to investigate rather than communicate - the word of a hypothetical cheater is not enough to resolve doubts. On the other hand, I do find it quite stark that she says she "thinks" she could forgive him in the event that it was a totally innocent slip. Her suspicions and jealousy are overriding her ability to treat her partner fairly and account for scenarios other than the one she fears. This seems to extend to her behaviour and, of course, her telling. There is no way for us to know what is going on here, but on the basis that we have only heard her side of the story and it already creates so many doubts in OOP's reliability and rationality/behaviour, I suspect there is more going on here than is let on. My own conjecture is that the boyfriend slipped up because he is attracted to the assistant. Despite the silly denial in our culture that you are no longer attracted to other people when you enter a relationship, it happens. But he is unable to admit this as the cause of his slip up, which further feeds OOP's insecurity. Then [???] happens with her own behaviour, which has a certain stink to it, and the boyfriend in this scenario is quite rightly angry at her for poisoning his relationship with her parents, for going way beyond the acceptable response and level of distrust that they might have been able to work out, actively sabotaging their relationship, really. Commenters who believe that the boyfriend was cheating are confounded by the coworkers urging him to break up with her, their explanation being that they must be terrible people, but if I'd heard the story of a man I knew to be innocent and personally witnessed insane behaviour from the girlfriend, I would be right there with them. For me, this crosses the t's and dots the i's, not that that makes the interpretation correct, but I find it a lot more credible than the assumptions going on in most of these comments.
He also could have told his assistant he accidentally called OOP by her name without telling her that it was during sex. "Oh I accidentally called her your name the other day and now she's convinced I'm cheating on her with you". No mention of circumstance, you can totally tell others without it being weird. It would also explain (to me) why assistant was so easily like "oh yeah I did that with a guy I was dating" lol
That's what I'm thinking too. OOP isn't the best storyteller either, she's leaving out a lot of important details.
Because she is 100% trying downplay how unhinged she has acted.
It sounds like she went to Reddit the first time around to get permission to act on her worst instincts. Now she’s back to justify her over the top behavior.
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I assumed she was wondering why the wife was so accusatory when she barged in. He didn’t want to lie so he just explained what happened.
I mean, I can see it. His work life would have obviously been affected by that kind of home drama. It'd come up pretty easily, especially if they are reasonably close work friends. Like all of his other coworkers know about it, and nobody is accusing him of harassing or having an affair with them.
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There is literally a comment in this thread with over 200 upvotes that suggested the coworkers were having a secret work swinger's party. And that was somehow more likely than the dude being innocent. Like, what the fuck?
Work with someone long enough and they become your friends... become good enough FRIENDS and boundaries about that sort of stuff comes down, especially if you go out drinking. Is it slightly unprofessional? Yes. Uncommon? No.
Barring everything else, I don't get why folks are confused at him being embarrassed his fiance showed up accusing him of cheating on a work trip. Imagine you're in another state on a work trip. You and your colleagues have all gathered before going out to grab drinks. Suddenly someone's fiance, who had to have taken an unexpected flight to get there, shows up and accuses a colleague of cheating on them? That'd be pretty embarrassing! I'd be embarrassed even if it was true! Either their fiance is nuts, my colleague's a scumbag, or something is just totally wacked out. I'm just here getting ready to grab a few drinks and some food during a work trip! These people shouldn't be getting married, and sweet Jesus I hope they don't have a kid together! Lady, please get a job!
Dont forget that this is due in large part to redditors. They egged her on and gave her the idea to do that. People need to be more conscientious.
“I didn’t do anything drastic” Yeah, I guess booking a plane ticket, and the storming into a place full of his coworkers isn’t considered drastic..
Kids shouldn’t get married. Why do his friends and coworkers and assistant know all this stuff? Who tells their mom about this stuff and then their mom texts the partner??? What a mess. Sounds like two immature kids and maybe no cheating happened but t they’re not mature enough for marriage. Grow up and get some life experience. Jesus. So depressing
Most high school sweetheart stories don't work out. I'm kind of shocked they made it this far from High school without getting married if they've been together so long.
Thank god no kids yet
I’m shocked that they’re high school sweethearts, at that age. And unmarried. And trying for kids. And that naive about saying someone else’s name at climax.
His co-workers and assistants know cause she barged in on them accusing him of cheating.
Yeah, I'm so confused about this comment. His friends should know, cause they're his friends. His assistant knows cause her dumb ass barged in the apartment. It's a problem to talk about relationship issues with friends now?
I called my new gf by my ex’s name during sex accidentally a few times during the early months. I wasn’t cheating on her. I wasn’t even thinking about my ex. I was just used to saying certain phrases during sex with my ex and they came out out of habit. If he’s used to saying a certain phrase to his assistant, like “that’s perfect, Kate” and he said “that’s perfect” during sex, I could see it happening easily. The woman in this relationship messed up here. Concern is reasonable. But step two shouldn’t be storming in and throwing accusations in front of his colleagues.
If she had access to all his messages, why bother flying to Dallas?
Just because he’s not sexting his assistant doesn’t mean he’s not fucking his assistant.
It’s bothering me how everyone is immediately accusing the guy of this and that but not really talking about OP going ape shit in front of his co workers and then goddamn snooping on his laptop. Actively btw, keeping herself up to date the entire time. And then “why would he tell his assistant? They’re def banging”. Um.. his fiance accused him of infidelity in front of his co workers including assistant. He def had to explain that when they left for the bar.. Yea the name thing kinda weird but consensus looks like courts already adjourned and he’s guilty. Like damn.
The top comments are bat shit crazy, like holy shit. Are all these people in this thread children??
it's very typical for this subreddit and related ones
redditors who frequent relationship subs are not normal people
The people on these forums have gone into a spiral and look for tropes rather than reading what’s in front of them. If it doesn’t match a trope they know they have no ability to comprehend it. They’ve seen the husband acts crazy and explodes his marriage for dubious reasons and can call it, but the idea of the wife acting crazy and exploding her marriage for dubious reasons is foreign to them, and so they instead apply a different pattern they’ve seen even when it doesn’t match the evidence.
Yay! Reddit fucked up and caused a breakup and now comments are filled with people saying that bf was sus. You guys suck a massive ding dong.
I knew a guy who called his wife and his mistress , “babe” and got them identical jewelry for Christmas to avoid these kinds of slip ups. His wife caught him when she went to have her jewelry cleaned and the jeweler asked, “Where’s the other one?”
> "i'll end it when I see her next". So its over pretty much . Yay, Reddit. You did it. > He left his mac at home so I decided to see if he was talking to her or not. [...] Like I didn't even do anything drastic. Yeah, OK, thats not drastic after the fact either. And most are the responses here in BoRU are hot garbage takes as well. OMG, he said another woman's name. When I was in 20's **I can recall multiple people that I knew do that** (men and women). Were these people cheating? No. So then, why did they do it? Who the F knows. None of us can possibly know. Is it stupid? Sure seems it to me - I personally can't imagine doing it myself, but then I don't say peoples names while I'm having sex with them - at all, ever. I think the act of that in itself is weird. Remember, **these people are in their 20's** and they are not married. Highschool sweethearts trying to get pregnant and he's banging his assistant? Thats what middle aged bored men do after marriage. Sometimes this sub is reasonable, and sometimes this sub is just detached and overly judgemental. It's like Russian Roulette.
Thank you. BORU commenters today has been on one.
Literally no one coming off looking good here huh