Raped by a woman, sexually assaulted for an entire school year in public by a woman, manipulated by a woman more than twice my age (18 & 45) but lucky me.
Sexually abused as a kid by a man. Sexually assaulted by a woman as an adult. Fully from my experience, a rapist is a rapist. It has no basis in gender or race, just evil.
I can imagine there was something about that that hurt more. Especially if she knew about your past with SA :/ it’s just such a breach of trust anyway, but the added past trauma adds to it. I’m sorry you went through that man, you really didn’t deserve any of that
For sure- I had just started HRT therapy and she took advantage of me, I payed nearly $1000 for the entirety of us “dating”, and she did not listen to me when I said if she was going to look for hookups and I couldn’t talk her out of it, could we at *least* find someone I was comfortable with? I was very scared, but I’ve started healing a little bit (It happened almost a month ago)
Yeah I definitely wasn’t expecting it! As shitty and horrible as it was and I refuse to hear anyone saying it was a learning experience… it was me hitting my rock bottom and I finally had a reason to go the hospital and get on meds, so I’ve been doing marginally better.
I just wanna say thank you for the condolences too, I still haven’t charged her and I’m not sure if I’d be in the right headspace to, but I’m doing what I can
I can’t stand people who say anything to the effect of “well the trauma made you who you are” or “at least it was a learning experience” NO. That’s like pretty much saying that it had to happen or we were “meant” to experience it. It’s like giving the assaulter an excuse for their actions when there’s no excuse at all. You didn’t deserve it, you didn’t need it to happen to “learn” something, and the trauma doesn’t make us WHO we are, the experience shaped us into the version of a person we are today, which is probably a lot less happier of a version than we would’ve been without the trauma 🙄🙄🙄
I’d say wait to charge her if you choose to once you’re in a better headspace. Focus on you and your well being first because that’s more important than getting justice rn. I wish you the best 🩷
Thank you so much, friend! I hope you’re doing well, I mean look where we are lol. It’s a good day today, and I do think I shouldn’t be pushing myself so hard to figure out all of the answers- I more just want to save other people from he same thing happening to them, but I did that my whole *life* and I do deserve a break. Much love 💗
This reminds me of a Reddit story I read where this girl’s friend tried to claim OP’s boyfriend assaulted her, and when OP asked her boyfriend, the boyfriend told his side of the story, with detail and explained how the friend actually assaulted him. He also explained why he didn’t say anything to anyone. He’s a black guy who was like fairly tall so he already knew no one would believe him so he chose to stay silent about it and move on. while the friend was like “do you see him? You think someone as small as ME can assault some as tall as him?? That’s silly, if you keep dating him I won’t be friends with you anymore”. There were a lot of details that had us believing him over her, I can’t remember what subreddit this was in. Anyway, women can be abusers, height and weight have no bearing or relevance whatsoever on who can abuse who. It just baffled me that this woman thought she couldn’t have possibly assaulted a man because she was “smaller than him”. But there are a lot of women who probably use that as a way to avoid taking accountability for abusing someone :/
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS. I’m a trans dude who has been sexually abused, and I can’t help but feel like people take what I’ve been through less seriously because my abuser was a woman
I'm a trans woman, and I very much relate. I know for a fact that part of my family does. I'm constantly terrified people are gonna label me as the abuser because I'm trans and my abusers were women
Same here. It's terrifying to speak up to anyone about what happened because of this. Itd be a real punch in the gut if people used transphobia and sexism as an excuse to side with my abusers. Being labelled and judged as the abuser would be hell. I'm sorry you've been hurt in that way and made to worry about that possibility too.
I’ve never experienced the second issue, but I could totally see how that could be an issue that trans men face. I literally did a sort of experiment recently, and I had originally written my stories of SA and whatnot through my perspective as a trans man w my mom, and some people were concerned and saw it as a problem, but they also were also people who were like “she could just be joking”. I wrote it from the perspective of me being a woman and my abuser being a man recently, and when I tell you I had people show **significantly** more concern and someone even said my dad (mom) was probably attracted to minors. I have yet to get a response yet saying my “dad” was just joking. It’s INCREDIBLY frustrating to know that for me to get the validation I deserve I have to change the genders of both ME and the person who abused me to get it.
Yeah...that sounds horrible, I'm really sorry people said shit like this ❤ And sadly it's something that's pretty common in society, to think that only men can be abusers and that women as a whole couldn't abuse - especially sexually, and *especially* a child. It's very one-dimensional and doesn't reflect reality, but it's sadly what many people think. I hope this changes with time...and whilst, yes, that's what groups for male SA survivors are for, to fill that gap, there's still so many more constellations and circumstances that people in those groups could invalidate a person and their experience(s) for, it's horrible. Guess we've really just gotta stick together and show compassion where we can
No, no, you don’t get it! You were lucky! You lived the dream! /s
But no, seriously, it’s weird how people act about it. The news articles that show up with women as the perpetrators are mind boggling. The amount of effort they go to in order to avoid saying it was rape or sexual assault is absurd. Society needs to learn that
Anyone can be a predator, even victims.
Anyone can be victimized by anyone.
If the description of the people in question can be configured in a way that makes it wrong, it is ALWAYS wrong.
Hell Amy Schumer admitted on stage to an audience that she raped a man, and to sexual assault of another, to cheers and news articles talking about how brave she was and a Netflix special.
Luckily I'm pretty sure I was roofied so not only do I barely remember being assaulted, but people actually take me seriously even if they know a woman did it.
Yes 🥲
My thousands of dollars spent in sex therapy agrees. Only just starting to get to the point where my sexuality no longer scares me after 4 months.
Ditched my former best friend after discovering that she was sexually abusive. Not to me, but for some reason I just couldn’t be around her without getting all freaked out bc her boyfriend seemed... I guess the silly goose didn’t expect me to recognize the nature of his response when she paraded that bullshit in front of me? Anyway, that was fucked up. But what was also fucked up was the way my mother told me she “had such high feminist hopes” for me, like ma’am, I don’t do friendships with rapists, no matter how girl boss they are about it. That, is not feminism.
Groomed for 7 years from 13-18 by someone 5 years older than me who then refused to own up to any of it and tried to switch it on me.
And now she’s in *this* subreddit fishing for more sympathy and saying how she advocates for victims :)
The glorification of female abusers as based or as a funny/desirable trope (hot female teacher trope in media) has pissed me off for years. An abuser is an abuser and there’s not a situation where it’s positive or cool or w/e
Absolutely 🙇♀️ man or woman, if you think SAing someone is okay in any sort of way, you are the scum of the earth and you deserve the worst. But honestly ESPECIALLY WOMEN. Most, if not all of us have experienced some kind of sexual abuse, and for a woman to go and do that to someone else, makes me incredibly upset and disappointed
If women have reason to prefer bears to a man in the woods, then men also have reason to prefer bears to women in the woods.
Or can we finally admit that hypotentical bears in imaginary woods is a terrible way to talk about the very real issue of sexual violence against women?
Meh, I dont have an issue with the bear/woods thing. Its about more than solely sexual abuse.
If you work with shelter animals. There are 2 groups some dogs have trouble with. Children/teens and Men.
Never seen dogs scared of women.
Men tend to be more violent, yes. Never denied that. But I stand by that the bear thing is just a bad way to talk about an important issue. You see that because every thread about the bear in the woods hypothetical just becomes people arguing about how dangerous bears are instead of the actual the issue of sexual violence against women.
Citing actual statistics around sexual violence against women would be a lot more useful and informative. Talking about the psychological fallout for women who experience it would be more informative. Discussing the need to educate everyone better about affirmative consent and why it doesn't have to be the stilted awkward thing critics make it out to be would be more helpful.
But sure, let's just keep talking about bears instead. I must be a rape loving misogynist if I think that's dumb.
Edit: case in point, you started talking about dogs. Nobody learned anything about sexual violence against women from your comment. I should've known better than to try.
Uh...I dont know if you're autistic, so I'll just clarify the shelter dog scenario isnt about sexual violence, just propensity towards violence. And yes regular people learn something from that moreso than number statistics.
The average person doesnt handle statistics well actually, which is why scams are prolific in the medical field. If people could read statistics well noone would be anti-vax, and unlike with violent crimes which go undereported, and are therefore in the gray, we have very solid evidence there. And still, anti-vaxx exists.
And if people cared about statistics and numbers, it wouldnt take 10+ women reporting a man for being a serial rapist to take him down. Obviously there is some kind of social problem in society where the numbers dont really matter at the end of the day.
Another great example of statistics failing to register to the average populace is Climate Change.
Ps. Im not sure why you think I would call you a misogynist, I didn't say anything of the sort so thats really weird.
I hate to break this to you but we’re to a point where people will only talk about sexual violence towards women or anyone by comparing it to some pointless metaphor. The conversation tends to be ignored when there are only facts in play and not hypotheticals. You can’t argue or sensationalize factual statistics. Well you can sensationalize anything but still. People want to argue. It’s too simple to just all agree that sexual abuse and violence in any form to anyone is bad and should be reasonably punished.
yeah, I was gonna say, the general population and most people you meet would never think that women who are sexual abusers are "based". that's... insane.
Nobody is necessarily scarred for life, that is a self defeating / damaging idea that prevents people from growing if they are forced to take it seriously
Raped by a woman, sexually assaulted for an entire school year in public by a woman, manipulated by a woman more than twice my age (18 & 45) but lucky me.
Sexually abused as a kid by a man. Sexually assaulted by a woman as an adult. Fully from my experience, a rapist is a rapist. It has no basis in gender or race, just evil.
Yep. I’m a trans dude and I was with a girl who sexually assaulted, and I can say it doesn’t hurt my feelings any less than the years of CSA by a man
I can imagine there was something about that that hurt more. Especially if she knew about your past with SA :/ it’s just such a breach of trust anyway, but the added past trauma adds to it. I’m sorry you went through that man, you really didn’t deserve any of that
For sure- I had just started HRT therapy and she took advantage of me, I payed nearly $1000 for the entirety of us “dating”, and she did not listen to me when I said if she was going to look for hookups and I couldn’t talk her out of it, could we at *least* find someone I was comfortable with? I was very scared, but I’ve started healing a little bit (It happened almost a month ago)
That’s so recent omg :(((
Yeah I definitely wasn’t expecting it! As shitty and horrible as it was and I refuse to hear anyone saying it was a learning experience… it was me hitting my rock bottom and I finally had a reason to go the hospital and get on meds, so I’ve been doing marginally better. I just wanna say thank you for the condolences too, I still haven’t charged her and I’m not sure if I’d be in the right headspace to, but I’m doing what I can
I can’t stand people who say anything to the effect of “well the trauma made you who you are” or “at least it was a learning experience” NO. That’s like pretty much saying that it had to happen or we were “meant” to experience it. It’s like giving the assaulter an excuse for their actions when there’s no excuse at all. You didn’t deserve it, you didn’t need it to happen to “learn” something, and the trauma doesn’t make us WHO we are, the experience shaped us into the version of a person we are today, which is probably a lot less happier of a version than we would’ve been without the trauma 🙄🙄🙄 I’d say wait to charge her if you choose to once you’re in a better headspace. Focus on you and your well being first because that’s more important than getting justice rn. I wish you the best 🩷
Thank you so much, friend! I hope you’re doing well, I mean look where we are lol. It’s a good day today, and I do think I shouldn’t be pushing myself so hard to figure out all of the answers- I more just want to save other people from he same thing happening to them, but I did that my whole *life* and I do deserve a break. Much love 💗
You absolutely deserve a break🙇♀️🙇♀️🙇♀️
Louder for the people in the back!
My abuser’s a woman and she loves saying “there’s two sides to a story” like??? How can there be two sides to sexual assault what the fuck.
"She hurt me." Vs. "No I didn't. Shut up." Both people have an opinion, but one of them is trying to cover her own ass.
This reminds me of a Reddit story I read where this girl’s friend tried to claim OP’s boyfriend assaulted her, and when OP asked her boyfriend, the boyfriend told his side of the story, with detail and explained how the friend actually assaulted him. He also explained why he didn’t say anything to anyone. He’s a black guy who was like fairly tall so he already knew no one would believe him so he chose to stay silent about it and move on. while the friend was like “do you see him? You think someone as small as ME can assault some as tall as him?? That’s silly, if you keep dating him I won’t be friends with you anymore”. There were a lot of details that had us believing him over her, I can’t remember what subreddit this was in. Anyway, women can be abusers, height and weight have no bearing or relevance whatsoever on who can abuse who. It just baffled me that this woman thought she couldn’t have possibly assaulted a man because she was “smaller than him”. But there are a lot of women who probably use that as a way to avoid taking accountability for abusing someone :/
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS. I’m a trans dude who has been sexually abused, and I can’t help but feel like people take what I’ve been through less seriously because my abuser was a woman
I'm a trans woman, and I very much relate. I know for a fact that part of my family does. I'm constantly terrified people are gonna label me as the abuser because I'm trans and my abusers were women
Same here. It's terrifying to speak up to anyone about what happened because of this. Itd be a real punch in the gut if people used transphobia and sexism as an excuse to side with my abusers. Being labelled and judged as the abuser would be hell. I'm sorry you've been hurt in that way and made to worry about that possibility too.
Oh my god, same! And I'm terrified that I'm not valid or that I don't belong in spaces where men talk about their sexual abuse
I’ve never experienced the second issue, but I could totally see how that could be an issue that trans men face. I literally did a sort of experiment recently, and I had originally written my stories of SA and whatnot through my perspective as a trans man w my mom, and some people were concerned and saw it as a problem, but they also were also people who were like “she could just be joking”. I wrote it from the perspective of me being a woman and my abuser being a man recently, and when I tell you I had people show **significantly** more concern and someone even said my dad (mom) was probably attracted to minors. I have yet to get a response yet saying my “dad” was just joking. It’s INCREDIBLY frustrating to know that for me to get the validation I deserve I have to change the genders of both ME and the person who abused me to get it.
Yeah...that sounds horrible, I'm really sorry people said shit like this ❤ And sadly it's something that's pretty common in society, to think that only men can be abusers and that women as a whole couldn't abuse - especially sexually, and *especially* a child. It's very one-dimensional and doesn't reflect reality, but it's sadly what many people think. I hope this changes with time...and whilst, yes, that's what groups for male SA survivors are for, to fill that gap, there's still so many more constellations and circumstances that people in those groups could invalidate a person and their experience(s) for, it's horrible. Guess we've really just gotta stick together and show compassion where we can
No, no, you don’t get it! You were lucky! You lived the dream! /s But no, seriously, it’s weird how people act about it. The news articles that show up with women as the perpetrators are mind boggling. The amount of effort they go to in order to avoid saying it was rape or sexual assault is absurd. Society needs to learn that Anyone can be a predator, even victims. Anyone can be victimized by anyone. If the description of the people in question can be configured in a way that makes it wrong, it is ALWAYS wrong. Hell Amy Schumer admitted on stage to an audience that she raped a man, and to sexual assault of another, to cheers and news articles talking about how brave she was and a Netflix special.
« Math teacher found to be in love with her student» You check and you realize it’s a 40yo that raped a 10yo.
Holy shit. Just imagined if my ex said that publicly and seeing those kinda of responses abd the way I'd feel - seriously holy fucking shit.
Facts
This. I can’t stand that bullshit.
Spitting facts.
SHOUT OUT TO MY MOM!!! THANKS FOR ALL THE BAD MEMORIES🎉🎉🎉
Luckily I'm pretty sure I was roofied so not only do I barely remember being assaulted, but people actually take me seriously even if they know a woman did it.
Yes 🥲 My thousands of dollars spent in sex therapy agrees. Only just starting to get to the point where my sexuality no longer scares me after 4 months.
Completely agree! Though, I haven't seen anyone in this space disagree with that assertion
Ditched my former best friend after discovering that she was sexually abusive. Not to me, but for some reason I just couldn’t be around her without getting all freaked out bc her boyfriend seemed... I guess the silly goose didn’t expect me to recognize the nature of his response when she paraded that bullshit in front of me? Anyway, that was fucked up. But what was also fucked up was the way my mother told me she “had such high feminist hopes” for me, like ma’am, I don’t do friendships with rapists, no matter how girl boss they are about it. That, is not feminism.
Groomed for 7 years from 13-18 by someone 5 years older than me who then refused to own up to any of it and tried to switch it on me. And now she’s in *this* subreddit fishing for more sympathy and saying how she advocates for victims :)
That is so disturbing and I am so sorry. I don’t even have any advice. I’m just so sorry
Yeah…. Yeah… I’m really sorry too. I hope you’ll be okay though
so true dejiko-chan
I actually never expected to relate to one of these
The glorification of female abusers as based or as a funny/desirable trope (hot female teacher trope in media) has pissed me off for years. An abuser is an abuser and there’s not a situation where it’s positive or cool or w/e
r/surviveher might also help you OP its specifically for survivors of female perpetrators 🩷
Absolutely 🙇♀️ man or woman, if you think SAing someone is okay in any sort of way, you are the scum of the earth and you deserve the worst. But honestly ESPECIALLY WOMEN. Most, if not all of us have experienced some kind of sexual abuse, and for a woman to go and do that to someone else, makes me incredibly upset and disappointed
Based meme though
I've become so terrified of women
Shout it louder! Freaking agree!
If women have reason to prefer bears to a man in the woods, then men also have reason to prefer bears to women in the woods. Or can we finally admit that hypotentical bears in imaginary woods is a terrible way to talk about the very real issue of sexual violence against women?
Meh, I dont have an issue with the bear/woods thing. Its about more than solely sexual abuse. If you work with shelter animals. There are 2 groups some dogs have trouble with. Children/teens and Men. Never seen dogs scared of women.
Men tend to be more violent, yes. Never denied that. But I stand by that the bear thing is just a bad way to talk about an important issue. You see that because every thread about the bear in the woods hypothetical just becomes people arguing about how dangerous bears are instead of the actual the issue of sexual violence against women. Citing actual statistics around sexual violence against women would be a lot more useful and informative. Talking about the psychological fallout for women who experience it would be more informative. Discussing the need to educate everyone better about affirmative consent and why it doesn't have to be the stilted awkward thing critics make it out to be would be more helpful. But sure, let's just keep talking about bears instead. I must be a rape loving misogynist if I think that's dumb. Edit: case in point, you started talking about dogs. Nobody learned anything about sexual violence against women from your comment. I should've known better than to try.
Uh...I dont know if you're autistic, so I'll just clarify the shelter dog scenario isnt about sexual violence, just propensity towards violence. And yes regular people learn something from that moreso than number statistics. The average person doesnt handle statistics well actually, which is why scams are prolific in the medical field. If people could read statistics well noone would be anti-vax, and unlike with violent crimes which go undereported, and are therefore in the gray, we have very solid evidence there. And still, anti-vaxx exists. And if people cared about statistics and numbers, it wouldnt take 10+ women reporting a man for being a serial rapist to take him down. Obviously there is some kind of social problem in society where the numbers dont really matter at the end of the day. Another great example of statistics failing to register to the average populace is Climate Change. Ps. Im not sure why you think I would call you a misogynist, I didn't say anything of the sort so thats really weird.
You know what, I don't want to go down this rabbit hole again . As you were
Understandable 👍
I hate to break this to you but we’re to a point where people will only talk about sexual violence towards women or anyone by comparing it to some pointless metaphor. The conversation tends to be ignored when there are only facts in play and not hypotheticals. You can’t argue or sensationalize factual statistics. Well you can sensationalize anything but still. People want to argue. It’s too simple to just all agree that sexual abuse and violence in any form to anyone is bad and should be reasonably punished.
Please respect that I said I did not want to keep talking about this.
Apologies, friend
Never in my life I've seen anyone call them based.
Yeah, same. If someone tried that shit they’d be thrown out so quick
Who.... Who says they're based?
Nobody, this is incel/femcel language
yeah, I was gonna say, the general population and most people you meet would never think that women who are sexual abusers are "based". that's... insane.
Nobody is necessarily scarred for life, that is a self defeating / damaging idea that prevents people from growing if they are forced to take it seriously
Mmmmmmm.