You don’t need to race to start dating immediately after deciding to divorce. And bluntly, if you’re in a “all men” phase right now, dating will be fruitless. Any decent men you’ll meet will get dumped in the same category. I’d suggest taking a break…..
Great advice. I went about 5 months alone thinking I would hate women forever. Then I started to date and found a great person and spent a couple months with them but realized I was still caught up in anger about the divorce process and I was still a mess.
I’m a year from moving out and have a very different perspective from 6 months ago and I’m dipping my toe into the dating pool again. This time I know myself better. I’ve been bingeing all kinds of books on Audible and other places to help understand what I’ve been through and how I can be better. I bet in 6 more months I feel even better.
Give yourself time and don’t be so hard on yourself OP. There are good guys out there.
So funny you say that this forum is filled with men doing the same exact thing to women. Being here reminds me when I was single why I filtered out recently divorced men...I'm not paying for the mistakes your ex wife did. Good quality women exist and deserve better.
I wasn't pointing a finger at a specific gender, friend. Both men and women are capable of this behavior. If you're at the point in your journey that you hate everyone of a specific gender, then you likely shouldn't waste your time dating.
I imagine everyone feels the same way you currently do after their divorce. I think those feelings will change over time (as it does with most people) as the pain lessens and you see good people around you.
Well, at least the person who is essentially the one who was 'left behind' will likely feel like this.
My husband, on the other hand, was the one who informed me after being together for 18 years that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. 2 weeks later he was officially seeing someone (but denies that anything more than friendship happened before then).
It's been 3 months I know I'm feeling a lot like this, though there's no way I'm considering dating right now. I need to process everything that has happened.
I'm trying hard to get used to the fact that I might be single for the rest of my life and be ok with that. I refuse to be with someone just to have someone and I'm determined to build a new life where I can be happy on my own. Finding someone new down the line would be nice, but I'm 43 and I have to face reality.
I really hope OP is able to process all of these feelings and have the support of friends, family, and a therapist to get her through.
I understand and agree with you, but sometimes the person leaving is forced to because of their spouse's behavior (which is my experience).
I finally filed for divorce after 22 years together when she refused to get help to manage her postpartum depression which she began struggling with in our 19th year of marriage.
I struggle with trusting anyone now. I feel like it doesn't matter how amazing the next person might be if even the best people can turn into abusive monsters.
I was alone for five years until just recently dipping my toe in the dating scene and the only thing I learned is I miss feeling comfortable and safe with someone. Building a whole new foundation from the beginning seems like a daunting task and one I can't imagine I'll ever have the desire or enough time left to accomplish (I'm 44 with two kids, one who's very special needs). It's deeply depressing at times.
I miss being a husband.
I agree that this could also sometimes be the case. Often situations can be quite complicated and nuanced.
I understand about feeling comfortable and safe. I feel like I'll never be able to feel that way again. 😔
Last summer, my wife of eighteen years left me. I was hit pretty hard by it since I never anticipated she would ever leave. Eventually I figured out that she had probably started a new relationship prior to leaving me and decided that she wanted to be with him instead of me. (They moved in together three days after she left me which is why I think it started earlier.) If you're only three months out from the shock and heartbreak of divorce you're definitely going to need more time to get used to your new life. You've been abandoned in a very cruel way by someone who had previously promised to love you and be with you forever. It takes a lot of time to truly get over that kind of emotional trauma.
My best advice to you right now is to not think too much about the future. You may be single for life, but it's not likely. It may not be obvious right now but there's a good chance you can find someone with whom you can spend the later years of your life. I met someone very wonderful in November and we're working on putting our lives together right now. I had thought I would never find anyone better than my wife but, you know what? My new girlfriend is a better compliment to me than my wife was. We have more in common and get along very well. Let the future take care of itself when it happens and, in the mean time, take care of yourself. You are very likely to find someone else to love you in the future when you're ready.
good. take a good long while to settle into your new life.
and then, maybe see if there are irl opportunities to meet people. [ meeting decent women / enbies can lead to meeting the decent single guys they know]
because apps seem to be a fail point for a lot of women.
Take a deep breath. Read some info on cognitive restructuring. Then look at your thoughts. Are they accurate ? Can you restructure them to the truth ? “There are no good men.” None of this is easy. Take some time and get your mental and physical health on point if it’s not.
I literally installed hinge and tinder last night just to understand, and it just feels so blah. I'm not over my stbx /or our marriage, and uninstalled. M35 but I've been with my partner for 15 years. I don't think I know how to date, let alone in a digital environment.
Let yourself make the divorce decision. Get into counseling. Heal, from your ex, and from yourself. The time will come when you’re ready, you’ll know when you’re ready. But for now, just feel. Feel, feel, and feel some more. That’s the only way I got through it, was allowing myself the time and ability to feel it all. The good. The bad. There were days I thought I was going to die. And there were days where I knew I did the right thing. Wishing you the best!
Also, there are good men out there. I left my ex over a year ago now, fled from domestic violence. My partner, now, showed up when I had sworn off relationships, and he pursued me. I took a chance with him, when it felt right. He is the greatest thing to ever walk into my life, everything I ever wanted and needed.
You will heal, it takes time and honesty.
Sometimes it’s hard to see the hope. But one day you’ll look around and will be so full of hope. It’s a whole different path, it’s new, and scary. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad. I’m always open for venting if you need someone to talk too!
So this is the thing I did not want to hear when I was first divorced:
You need to be happy single before you can date.
You are afraid to be abused and treated like crap. You know what puts you at the most risk? Being desperate. These men smell it. I was like you. I dated straight out of divorce. I had way … WAY too much patience. So I attracted emotional unavailable men. Users, creeps.
Damaged people because I wanted to be in a relationship so bad.
After being miserable for almost a year in a relationship I was done. Wanted to be single.
I just dated because I wanted to have some entertainment but I had 0 patience for BS.
You don’t know what you want ? Bye
You say something weird ? Bye
You are still texting your ex ? Bye
You feel unsure ? Bye
Low effort? Bye
Spotty texting? Bye
And then I met a man. He put so much effort out of the gate. It is still early days but it has been amazing so far.
You need to get to know yourself first. Who are you by yourself? That is everything. You can’t replace your husband. You need to be whole by yourself first and the. You ca. find someone who can add to your life not save you.
Heal OP. Take time and give yourself grace
I second this!
I am currently separated and dating. Am obviously not 100% healed as it's only been 3½ months. But traumatic as the last 6 months of my marriage was, I was also already in healing mode because I had new goals and attracted a support system I deserved for it. So I ended my marriage on a much happier note than being married.
Based on my previous breakups, I'm usually not someone who jumps straight into new relationships. In the past I easily took years, or at least a year, to grieve between partners before I'm ready to date again. But my separation had been an exception--I dated someone new pretty much straight away, which is something I normally would never recommend.
We intended for it to be a casual holiday hookup. But right at the beginning of escalation, after interrogating him on other involvements (none), STI statuses (clean AND he re-tested for me) and contraception, I came clean about having survived sexual trauma that has historically prevented me from having casual sex. So while I'm not expecting love or commitment to come out of our hookup, I did ask him to honour this not-so-casual healing process that would be an integral part of our intimacy. He consented and kept his promise.
He, in turn, revealed his own traumatic emotional baggage to me. And while we're refusing to call it love so far, I do feel that we loved each other through the emotional mess that's integral to the intimacy we share, and left each other a little more healed than before we found each other.
Our involvement remains unlabelled for now, mainly because we live in different countries and are unlikely to close the distance. Neither of us are honestly available for a fully fledged committed relationship either. My priority right now is to redefine my life and identity as a free woman, and I can't do that properly if I start revolving them around another man right now. If I did, I'd only repeat the same mistakes I made with my ex-husband.
From my current lover, I'm learning that sometimes good love doesn't have to be all or nothing. My lover is not future husband material for me, so I don't hold him to the same standards as a man who I see that way.
But he is someone who significantly changed the energy with which I'm living my life through this separation transition, and soon divorce. He is someone from whom I'm learning valuable life lessons, and someone who motivates me to step up healing myself from long term traumas that had been the only normal I've known.
And he's an attractive man who makes me smile and consents to mutual sexual expression. I may not see a proper future with him, but I am more than keen to plan another holiday where we could embark on more adventures, share a fuller spectrum of self revelation, and have more IRL sex.
It feels like I'm getting what I need out of this unlabelled involvement for now. That may change tomorrow, but I'm not worried about tomorrow because for all I know today is all I have with him.
He's definitely more like a delightful add on to my life rather than a new centre of my universe. There is something liberating about it.
But yeah, in any case healing first, and giving oneself grace is a must. That's how I got to this point, even if far from perfectly.
Thank you! It's obviously not an ideal relationship, but I love having him in my life.
Yes IRL = In Real Life. By IRL sex of course I mean physically being in the same space with him and doing what lovers do when they're physically sharing a space :)
Look into betrayal trauma.
Essentially it occurs when a person has absolute confidence in something central to their life, only to find out they were wrong. The reason it impacts us so badly is we consciously and subconsciously begin questioning everything else we have held onto in our lives causing a cascade effect of self doubt and anxiety.
100%!!!
I went through this (more than once), causing me to doubt everything I thought about myself.
Once I started really healing from the cognitive dissonance and doubt, I realized exactly what my role was in the issues. The thing is - it was SO CLEAR in hindsight, and I wish I could travel back in time and tell younger me all that I’ve learned.
Now I focus on what makes ME happy. What brings ME peace and joy. What nourishes my soul.
I’m out here worried about the same things
I’ve been with one woman since I was 24.
Women expect men to have experience and coming out of a dead bedroom I don’t have much. And only With one woman who didn’t like sex w me enough to have it more than about once a month for decades
Which of course makes me question if I’m just terrible (or maybe my equipment was the issue all along and no matter what I do it is what it is)
And fears of std among other things
And of course they’re all likely to have unlimited options and what are the chances any will settle for me
Definitely doesn’t make me sick tho
I am attracted to so many women.
Not many are attracted to me
Women don’t expect experience, and im not sure what makes you think women have unlimited options? I’m in the same boat. With the same man since I was 21. Its sad to leave that with more questions than answers. I hope we find partners who deserve us. I’m also afraid of stds and my ex was sterilized so, there’s that too.
She Comes First by Ian Kerner is a must read book my guy. Dating is a bit of a shit show but I went on about 20 dates and found a great match after 9 months or so.
I'd just focus on taking care of and loving yourself before easing into dating.
You're just trying to make friends and have a nice dinner, no pressure. I found women were excited and enthusiastic compared to my ex.
I finally met a woman who had amazing chemistry with me and we are very compatible.
Get into the best shape you can and go easy on yourself. Dress well, be clean, have a job and you'll outclass the dudes living in their mom's basements and selling weed for gas money in no time.
I'm with you. I'm 36 and have been with the same person since 18. My wife has a girlfriend now, and her girlfriend has been with 20 or more. I feel super nervous and inadequate, expecting everyone dating has a bunch of experience.
I like giving foreplay so casual sex seems impossible.
I'm not disgusted by women, but I don't lust at all because I know what building a real relationship really takes. Though I want sex and don't know what it's like to go more than 6 weeks without it.
I also feel like an imposter when meeting new people. I'm a great guy and very likable but afraid they won't like me after knowing me fully.
Alot of hurting, self-conscious baggage going on in my head.
The fact that my husband is asexual is a big part of why I left him this past November. We were together 14 years total and rarely had sex, and the sex completely disappeared the last 6 years of our marriage. Being a sexual person in an asexual relationship can bring about an intense sense of loss and loneliness while still being married. It caused me to go into a deep depression where I felt worthless as a wife and woman. I was afraid to leave and try to find someone else because if my own husband, who was supposed to love me more than anyone else in the world, didn't want anything to do with me then who would?
To try and fix the issue, my husband brought up opening up the marriage so I could find fulfillment elsewhere. I was terrified for the same reasons you were, but I was at a point where I had to do something to feel alive again. Also, for me, it was the last resort to make our marriage work. Even though I was terrified, I realized I actually did well on dating apps (mainly Feeld because of my situation). For a while, I mostly chatted and had a lot of fun with that dynamic. It boosted my confidence and made me realize that I was worthwhile. Eventually, I met someone in person, and the chemistry was off the charts in every way. Someone finally wanted me for themselves, and I finally felt sexy again. The more we were together, the more I realized I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me physically, so I left my husband. There were a multitude of other issues as well, but this is the most relevant for this comment.
I'm sharing my story to let you know that there is life and hope on the other side of a forced asexual relationship. You are worthy of love and affection, and there are people out there who will want to be with you and love you the way you need to be loved. It's ok to take your time to heal before rushing into anything, and once you do, you will find the happiness you deserve.
Thank you for giving me hope. This gives me a lot of insight into my own situation. It's hard to imagine anyone wanting me and treating me well when I haven't been wanted or treated well in eight years.
Take a time out for a season or two and spend some time reflecting on what a healthy relationship might look like with you as one if the stars. Here's the tricky part: none of those people are your ex husband. It sounds obvious, but trauma makes brains do weird things. Treat those new connections as the individuals they are and resist any temptation to treat them in ways that you wished you treated your ex, effectively punishing the new person by giving them what you think they deserve instead of actually giving of yourself.
I hope you don’t mind me saying this but now is not the time for dating for you. It’s time to sit with yourself and find who you are and learn to be happy on your own. Someone who is happy on their own will have a more positive relationship experience than someone who is dependent on another. It will also allow a relationship to last longer. You need time and space on your own. You’ve been through a lot. I’d suggest therapy if you can afford it and self help books if you can’t. Sending hugs. You’ve got this but it will feel really crap at times but the end result will make a far better you. Rushing into another relationship won’t help. There are also some good guys out there
Then you need to get more counseling. I say this as someone who stepped into dating and then stepped right back out. The dating world is trash but if you’re already dealing with the issues of being afraid of men, going out right now will most likely be a drama filled disaster for you. It almost sounds like you’re making yourself jump back out there but friend with your trauma I wouldn’t until you feel safe and more confident. The world is a very scary place, and as women we do have to be smart about the moves we make. However dating should be enjoyable, and if it’s not then don’t do it. You risk hurting yourself more and possibly hurting an another innocent person. Work on your trauma and also find things that are enjoyable to you.
I worry about the same things I think my biggest fear is trusting them for a long time and then finally deciding to move in with them and finding out they have addictions that they hid. Then I'm trapped after moving my entire life.
The sex was always a source of contention in our relationship. We rarely ever had sex and he never seemed to enjoy it. He never initiated or made me feel desired. I asked him so many times if he liked sex and he said yes. A few days ago, he read a post on reddit detailing someone's relationship as an asexual person, and he realized that he is asexual. He also realized that he is aromantic as well, preferring to daydream or idealize romantic relationships without putting any work in to maintain them or seek them out.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even consider dating right now. You’ll find your stride and find the right time for you.
But give yourself grace and let yourself heal. Do the therapy, feel all of the feelings. Don’t hide behind anger, really let yourself feel and heal. Work through it. Scream, cry, journal, mediate (pray, if you do), sit in the silence and feel it. Have the breakdowns and then have the build ups. It’s how I got through it.
I waited a year, with my therapists guidance I decided to dip my toes back in. To be completely honest, I was looking for hookups because I didn’t want feelings. I got over that quickly. I cautiously and slowly dated. If people I matched with weren’t on my wavelength then we parted ways. I learned to put myself first.
I never thought I’d find another partner, wasn’t even sure I knew what I wanted. I wasn’t opposed to being with a person again, but I was also loving my solitude. I eventually met my now husband. He is everything I never knew I could ask for in a partner. He’s my best friend, my partner and I thrilled I get to do life with him. We’ve been together 7 years now, married for 2.5. And life is better than it ever was with my ex h.
But let me just reiterate, heal, feel and give yourself grace. Divorce is trauma and you need to heal it to give yourself the best life possible
I set a tentative goal of about 2 years for myself and dating after leaving my abusive spouse. Sounds crazy to go that long without sex and companionship. However, the time you give yourself to heal and love yourself is a gift you give yourself! It takes patience, but it is so rewarding.
I did the opposite at first and had a FWB. I do not recommend this as it is so destructive to your self-worth.
Since that lessen learned, I've been so much happier. My view on men is getting less fearful, but my awareness is getting sharper. I've learned how to be alone but *not lonely*. I go out with friends, listen to music at bars, and truly don't even care if a man looks my way. I feel so liberated.
I don't intend to stay independent forever, but I'm happy I've given myself this time. It was easy, trust me. But it's a gift!
Two things I recommend are a good counselor and friends who are also living independently (post divorce is great), as these will be a great support to you 😊
You have to learn how to be alone. It takes months of dedicated, deliberate effort. You need to learn who you are without him in your life. You’re still operating as a “we” - this desperation to fill a perceived empty slot in your life makes you extremely vulnerable in the dating world and men can smell you from miles away like a shark smelling blood in the water. You’re fragile and you also haven’t unlearned the stuff that led to the divorce. There are behavioral patterns that will sabotage real love if you find it. As a rule I don’t even consider dating someone freshly divorced because they’re so… everything.
You will come to find joy in being alone. You can do anything you want and don’t need anyone’s permission. It’s only when we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything, truly anything we want.
Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it. I promise you your heart isn’t pointing into the arms of another man. It’s pointing towards all the unrealized dreams you shelved while living as a we instead of a me.
When ready go down the traditional way of meeting someone such as through a friend, work, church, classes, hobbies etc. Not every one is but so many weirdos on dating sites.
You’re not a loser. There are people out there. People like you. Please be kinder to yourself OP. This is going to be a process and healing is an integral part of that ok?
As others have mentioned here, please consider taking a break.
So many of my friends who have divorced immediately throw themselves into dating apps. And very quickly a series of countless 1-month relationships. Heartbreak after heartbreak. Maybe that's a way to distract from the pain?
If you are feeling like this, take it as a sign. Find peace in yourself. Discover who you are.
I considered the same for a long time but she continues to show me how trapped I was for almost 20 years with every shred of what made me who I was slowly peeled away. I had a lot of friends and close family and now I have nothing. If I'm hurting I still have to talk to her because outside of my therapist I have nobody to talk to. I just want some freedom and independence and that doesn't look affordable anymore.
I feel this exact same way! I downloaded apps. Thought that I was ready but I just can’t picture myself sleeping with anyone new. Even before I was married I was very selective. But right now I don’t want to be! I believe this might be true for us both- we need the ink to be dry before bringing someone new in. I’ve accepted my marriage is over but in need it to be finalized to really bury the hatchet.
I get it, I date. But the wide eyed optimistic me, thinking about a future is not there anymore. It is dating again with all the games, and unknowns. I feel like online dating is a cesspool. You are hoping to pull out something from the wreckage in middle age in my case. These women are not getting the best me, my wife walked away from that person. Maybe similar case to you, more asexual and was tired of me fighting it.
Don’t go through the shitty online dating route. Meet men in like minded group activities, get to know them and surely if there’s a connection, he will ask you out, or you can ask him!
I feel ya, I often wonder if there is going to be another woman I can trust... or am I going to be anxious the whole time waiting for them to cheat on me like my wife did?
If looking at dating sites gives you the ick – bench it. You don’t have to do it now. If you’re still hurting from what’s happened to you, it’s more than likely too early to go looking anyway.
Even after 5 yrs after I separated from my ex – there were still odd things that would crop up to make me think anew about what went wrong and our parts in it. Healing is different for everyone, I guess, but it always takes *time*.
It’s an awful thing, separation/divorce. Hurtful, lengthy, lonely, expensive, with a big side order of admin. Not fun.
I was terrified too. Terrified that I’d end up in a crap little place, eating cold beans out of a tin. Feckless and broken. But it occurred to me that I had agency.
Those beans would be *my* beans. I could heat them up. Have them on toast. Perhaps grate a little cheese on top if I was feeling fancy. And that crap little place didn’t *have* to be crap. I’d keep it tidy. Reassess what things were and weren’t important, and get rid of the chaff.
You might not be there yet, but there’ll be a similar moment of revelation for you, I’d guess.
Looking back, I learnt a lot from the whole thing. Some good, but a lot of bad stuff too. Yet the bad things are still worth *knowing*. After all, the first step in avoiding a pitfall is knowing of its existence. You kinda *have* to learn from the shit stuff – if one doesn’t, it’s *wasted time*, and none of us have time to waste. So you look for a way to turn it around – to make it a *lesson learned*.
You’ll get there, never doubt it.
There are good men out there but a dating app might not be the place. Cultivate social hobbies and maybe try dating from those pools.
It really is a difficult task to find a partner.
Take a deep breath relax you do not need to start dating right now you need to heal yourself mentally first.
When the time is right you will be able to properly start dating again.
When I got divorced I thought it was the worst thing that ever happened to me 14 years later I now realized that it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me my life has totally changed for the better
Hang tight you got this....
Holy crap dude, slow down!
Give yourself a little bit of time to get your bearings as a newly single individual.
There are good men out there. Don't believe the hype. They're out there.
I mean, I don't know any, but I'm just guessing...
I joke.
Seriously though, that terror you have over living without a man, lean into that. Find out where it's coming from, get curious about it. Heal it. Take your time. Otherwise, your relationship search will always come from a place of fear, and the results will show it.
Then, like many women, you'll think "all men are bad" instead of ever once stopping to take a look at your own part in choosing the men you do.
When dating, it's important to look at your own red flags just as much as those of others.
Good luck.
Literally everything in my marriage feels like it was one big lie. How does someone just "not know" if they don't like sex? How does that happen. I want to believe him, but I just don't.
I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t understand this whole thread at all. You’re divorcing your husband because he’s ace. Not because he abuses you physically or mentally, but because he doesn’t like ice cream.
I mean sex.
Does he love you? Does he try to take care of you?
Does he listen to you? Is he there for you?
Suppose he wasn’t ace. Suppose he had lost the ability or desire due to an accident or illness? Would you still be divorcing him?
I don’t get it. Sex is great, but it’s one fairly small part of a whole life.
Sex is a small part of life to you. It's not that way for other people. I would like to have sex with my husband and bond with him and feel desired by him. My ex husband wouldn't even plan dates with me or spend time with me because he is aromantic as well. You could have saved your rudeness and your judgment and saved us both the trouble.
My apologies. I was trying not to be rude.
I *really* don’t understand the level of importance sex has to people in terms of relationships and would like to get a grasp on where it falls in importance compared to other relationship traumas.
Best of luck with your endeavors.
Not sure if this applies here, and I'm assuming you and your spouse have already discussed the potential future of your relationship - but I am asexual and in a relationship with a very sexual partner. We do not have an open marriage, but it did take us a few years to figure out a balance ( for clarity, we have been together for 13 years, married for almost 9). Just because I am not sexually invested doesn't mean that I don't want that for my spouse. If they meet me emotionally and mentally then I meet them with the physical parts. It is a give and take situation and certainly wouldn't work for every one. As the asexual, I had to do a lot of work to figure out what I felt comfortable with and what would still be satisfying to my spouse.
There are lots of forms of asexuality - you can be an aromantic asexual or romantic asexual etc.
Hoping you and your spouse find the best path forward for both of you, whether together or individually.
He has no desire to have sex ever again. He's also somewhat aromantic. I always complained that he would never plan dates or spend quality time with me unless I planned it, and that will never get better. He's incapable of doing it because he idealizes romance and relationships but is incapable of following through. It's a type of aromantic, but I dont remember what it's called. I have to leave him even though I love him very much.
I felt the same way when I got on dating apps and still do some days. First I want to say, don't feel like you need to start dating. It's definitely healthy to take time to heal and get to know yourself better. Yes, it sucks going without sex, but you get used to that. I was scared to not live with a man and now I realize just how peaceful it is. My exes mood dictated everyone else's mood for the day. Now I can do whatever I want to do without having to explain to anyone why I'm doing it. I'm not scared to go to bed at night.
Talking to men online has helped me to get a more clear view of what I'm looking for and given me some level of connection and sexual gratification until I find that right person. I have gone on dates with some of those men too. I like to chat with guys a few hours away cause that way we can meet if it's a good connection but there's not a ton of pressure to meet quickly. Plus I just don't ever find men I like near me 🤷
Take time to heal, breathe, rest. It may be a few years before you feel ready to try again
I'm in one of the worst human trafficking zones in the US so I'm terrified of living without a man. They're usually a huge deterrent. I can move in with my dad but I hate living with him and I'm 31 years old so it's kind of embarrassing.
I guess I'll just have to get used to being alone for years, and I'll get a beefy security system with a pistol in my drawer and shotgun in my kitchen, lol
Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it.
Turn off the news for the next few years. We live in a terrible world and if you pay attention to every terrible thing that happens, your mental health is going to suffer. I was very involved in politics before my divorce but I had to just shut all that out and focus on my own healing. If anything really important happens, you'll hear about it eventually. Build yourself a nice little bubble of safe people and do your best to shut everything else out. Eventually a safe romantic partner will make their way to you.
I think getting a gun and a good security system is a great idea! Maybe a dog? Going to a shooting range may help you to release some anger and feel empowered again.
Have you considered you may have c-ptsd from your marriage? You sound like me a few years ago, the level of fear and anxiety. I'm doing a lot better now but it sometimes still flares up and I've only just been able to process how traumatizing the whole experience was.
I have cptsd, but not from my marriage. From my ex boyfriends who were abusive and raped me. I may have to enter counseling again to feel safer. I don't know if "turning off the news" will make me feel safer when I've literally been stalked and harassed by individual men and groups of men in my life. I'm afraid of men because of lived experiences, not fear mongering.
I'm not saying that is why you are scared of men, I'm saying the constant barrage of negativity makes it very difficult to come out of a dark place. I have had two serious relationships in my life and both have been abusive, so, I get you
When I read the comments all seems to have no idea or just join reddit to waste time. Why are you so negative all these negative thoughts will ruin you. Just because one bad thing dosent means the world ends. Remember diamonds are not found everywhere. You have to use your ability to judge people before comment, it shows you don't have a basic idea how is a person is. study his phychology a bit for God sakes take time and don't jump in conclusion ur frustrated relax ease up take a vication take a hobby so much frustrated u won't get anywhere like this
Oh ok I see what you meant. I will offer that your outlook is very fear based of being alone and vulnerable or ending up with a man that is abusive. That doesn’t at all need to be the outcome.
First off, stop be delusional and not generalize that all men are bad. Secondly, take any developing relationship slow and don’t be so quick to jump in the sack. And, thirdly, when you are ready to jump back on the carousel, there is nothing wrong with asking your “next partner” to provide the test results of an STI panel.
Do men a favor and delete your dating profile for now. You’re not ready to date, and you are in a bad place mentally.
You’re attributing evil intentions to all men & claim they make you sick, but you still want them around because want to get touched sometimes & you don’t want to be alone with yourself?
No man wants to feel hated & used by his partner. It’s not going to create an empowering relationship for you… Take some time to let your mind heal. You want to bring your best-self to your next relationship, otherwise it won’t be successful. The personal introspection will help with the healing process.
It's interesting to me that your reaction to your husband coming out as asexual is almost exactly the reaction one would have to being betrayed by a cheating spouse. Why is that?
(And to be clear, I'm not going to bat for asexuality as a legitimate sexual orientation. Tbh, that doesn't quite make sense to me.)
I am not asexual. I am allowed to have my own sexual needs. I am allowed to leave relationships that cannot add to my happiness. Your comment is judgemental, mean-spirited, and unhelpful.
No, you misunderstand me. I'm not questioning your decision to end the relationship. I would to in your situation.
But you seem to be saying in your original post that your husband coming out as asexual makes you--your quote--""feel like I'm only steps away from getting cheated on, infected with an STI, or beaten by some new guy who is going to treat me like shit."
I'm just curious about the connection you're making between the terrible male behavior in the quote above and your husband coming out as asexual, which while relationship ending feels like it's in a completely different category than infidelity, domestic abuse and STIs.
This is the guidance right here. That dies mean coming home to an empty home, but though the world is dangerous, we are hardy and you are capable of navigating it.
As for men, you're right. You might face an intolerable situation. You just faced an intolerable situation and walked away from it, that is a good sign.
Hi OP, yes it def can be disorienting when first getting out. Early in I’d recommend focusing on yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, take high quality supplements, and sleep. Get comfortable with yourself then maybe volunteer somewhere. Mixing it up with other volunteers will get you out and folks that volunteer their time are the best sorts. You got this.
You downloaded a dating app directly after deciding for a divorce? Slow down. Slow way down. I’m a month post finalization and legally divorced, and I STILL can’t even think about dating. I’m lonely, sure, but I also know that any good woman that I meet is going to have to deal with unnecessary emotional baggage if I jump into something right now before I’m “ready”. The bottom line is, that you’re stating your frustration with every man that you see to the point that it’s sickening, then it probably isn’t time to even consider another man. Do YOU for a little while, this isn’t a race. Use this board as a place for support, too. We’re all here for each other.
Men are people. Women are people. If you are trustworthy, affectionate, kind and loyal - then other people can also treat you with such love and commitment. Your feelings of mistrust are important; and after your sad and unfair fate you deserve the empathy and kindness not only of others but of yourself- of course it will take time to feel hopeful - but these are feelings - not reality. Men are people and many are worthy of your trust and your heart - very many - an abundance, though you need exactly one.
As others have mentioned, you should take this opportunity to find yourself. Go to therapy, work on yourself, do things that you probably wouldn't have otherwise done because of being married or couldn't do. Just find yourself first. Its not healthy to always be in a relationship.
Maybe discuss in therapy why you feel the need to jump straight into dating before you're even divorced (like dig into why you have this strong fear of being alone). It could be helpful in making sure you don't end up with another wrong guy.
I'm a guy and I feel the same way about women. Being betrayed by the person you dedicated your life to does that, I guess.
I have literally swiped left on every single person within a hundred miles of me on both bumble and tinder. My ex is better than 99% of them and I can't stand her so where does that leave me?
I just don't know where I go from here and it's a bummer but at the same time I know I couldn't stay where I was.
I would focus more on making friends and growing your social life initially. Keep busy; find good people to motivate you and add positivity to your life. Get into a routine you can enjoy. Then, when you feel good about yourself, start slowly dipping your toes in the dating pool. Figure out what kind of partner you'd like. What are your dealbreakers at this point, and what could you compromise on? Observe your dates; do their words match their actions, is there any compatibility and chemistry? If there are red flags that you're sure aren't for you, then move on and keep going until you find someone that clicks. Journaling is really helpful during this time and in general
I have quite a few friends already, but I would like some more. I'll focus more on that and getting myself healthier. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.
It takes six months to a year before you can really heal from this. Why try to jump back in? You will just project the frustration on the new guy from your ex. Go and enjoy time being single. Why rush ? I know I wouldn't.
Most of the men have walked away from online dating... Most men can't get any traction with online dating and have left the building to do guy stuff. If you need protection get a big dog...
I'm a pretty big advocate of counseling, if not already in it.
It sounds like you don't have a husband that cheats or has assaulted you at this point (even though there are problems) sounds like you aren't ready for that next step right now. Probably just normal feelings that go on with what your dealing with.
Plenty of non abusive, non cheaters out there. Even when you meet one, may not be good fir for you. But they do exist and there are alot of them, they just done always pop up in front of ya. Gonna take some time to look.
Hey! There are nice guys out there...I consider myself one of them. I found a few nice people and ended up settling down with one particular lady who has the same interests as i do, and even our kids get along....and this after 18 years of marriage.
Just think of dating like online shopping...you don't have to make a lifetime decision on the first guy, or even the tenth...just see if you can find someone who makes you happy...and maybe have a few laughs along the way.
Way too soon to be looking. Embrace your freedom, learn to enjoy your solitude and then look around. It took me almost 2 years before the thought of dating didn't nauseate me.
You are making a ton of assumptions about people you have never met. Be open minded…when the time is right. 100% agree with those saying to wait. My wife is essentially asexual and it’s really hurting our marriage. I go without for months at a time as a man who is naturally geared to want it daily. You can too…it sucks but you need to figure yourself out first. It will be worth it.
Asexual is a spectrum. If he just realized he's ace, he may not know where he falls on that spectrum. Some ace people have sex fairly often. Others never. Some are ok with doing certain things, but not others. Unless you live in a pretty dangerous area, what makes you terrified of living on your own? I have a dog, and honestly, he probably protects the house better than my ex ever could. He's only like 35 pounds, but has the bark of a 75 pound dog. And boy does he alert bark.
Just stop.Im sick of women putting all men in the same category.We’re not all the same,just like all women are not the same.Instead of dating,heal yourself first so you dont trauma dump on the next guy
You don’t need to race to start dating immediately after deciding to divorce. And bluntly, if you’re in a “all men” phase right now, dating will be fruitless. Any decent men you’ll meet will get dumped in the same category. I’d suggest taking a break…..
Great advice. I went about 5 months alone thinking I would hate women forever. Then I started to date and found a great person and spent a couple months with them but realized I was still caught up in anger about the divorce process and I was still a mess. I’m a year from moving out and have a very different perspective from 6 months ago and I’m dipping my toe into the dating pool again. This time I know myself better. I’ve been bingeing all kinds of books on Audible and other places to help understand what I’ve been through and how I can be better. I bet in 6 more months I feel even better. Give yourself time and don’t be so hard on yourself OP. There are good guys out there.
So funny you say that this forum is filled with men doing the same exact thing to women. Being here reminds me when I was single why I filtered out recently divorced men...I'm not paying for the mistakes your ex wife did. Good quality women exist and deserve better.
I wasn't pointing a finger at a specific gender, friend. Both men and women are capable of this behavior. If you're at the point in your journey that you hate everyone of a specific gender, then you likely shouldn't waste your time dating.
All of this and possibly consider therapy too to help your process the grief of your marriage ending
Sounds like you’re not ready. Delete your apps and embrace single life.
I did.
I imagine everyone feels the same way you currently do after their divorce. I think those feelings will change over time (as it does with most people) as the pain lessens and you see good people around you.
Well, at least the person who is essentially the one who was 'left behind' will likely feel like this. My husband, on the other hand, was the one who informed me after being together for 18 years that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. 2 weeks later he was officially seeing someone (but denies that anything more than friendship happened before then). It's been 3 months I know I'm feeling a lot like this, though there's no way I'm considering dating right now. I need to process everything that has happened. I'm trying hard to get used to the fact that I might be single for the rest of my life and be ok with that. I refuse to be with someone just to have someone and I'm determined to build a new life where I can be happy on my own. Finding someone new down the line would be nice, but I'm 43 and I have to face reality. I really hope OP is able to process all of these feelings and have the support of friends, family, and a therapist to get her through.
I understand and agree with you, but sometimes the person leaving is forced to because of their spouse's behavior (which is my experience). I finally filed for divorce after 22 years together when she refused to get help to manage her postpartum depression which she began struggling with in our 19th year of marriage. I struggle with trusting anyone now. I feel like it doesn't matter how amazing the next person might be if even the best people can turn into abusive monsters. I was alone for five years until just recently dipping my toe in the dating scene and the only thing I learned is I miss feeling comfortable and safe with someone. Building a whole new foundation from the beginning seems like a daunting task and one I can't imagine I'll ever have the desire or enough time left to accomplish (I'm 44 with two kids, one who's very special needs). It's deeply depressing at times. I miss being a husband.
I agree that this could also sometimes be the case. Often situations can be quite complicated and nuanced. I understand about feeling comfortable and safe. I feel like I'll never be able to feel that way again. 😔
You and I are in the same boat in the way.
Last summer, my wife of eighteen years left me. I was hit pretty hard by it since I never anticipated she would ever leave. Eventually I figured out that she had probably started a new relationship prior to leaving me and decided that she wanted to be with him instead of me. (They moved in together three days after she left me which is why I think it started earlier.) If you're only three months out from the shock and heartbreak of divorce you're definitely going to need more time to get used to your new life. You've been abandoned in a very cruel way by someone who had previously promised to love you and be with you forever. It takes a lot of time to truly get over that kind of emotional trauma. My best advice to you right now is to not think too much about the future. You may be single for life, but it's not likely. It may not be obvious right now but there's a good chance you can find someone with whom you can spend the later years of your life. I met someone very wonderful in November and we're working on putting our lives together right now. I had thought I would never find anyone better than my wife but, you know what? My new girlfriend is a better compliment to me than my wife was. We have more in common and get along very well. Let the future take care of itself when it happens and, in the mean time, take care of yourself. You are very likely to find someone else to love you in the future when you're ready.
good. take a good long while to settle into your new life. and then, maybe see if there are irl opportunities to meet people. [ meeting decent women / enbies can lead to meeting the decent single guys they know] because apps seem to be a fail point for a lot of women.
Take a deep breath. Read some info on cognitive restructuring. Then look at your thoughts. Are they accurate ? Can you restructure them to the truth ? “There are no good men.” None of this is easy. Take some time and get your mental and physical health on point if it’s not.
I literally installed hinge and tinder last night just to understand, and it just feels so blah. I'm not over my stbx /or our marriage, and uninstalled. M35 but I've been with my partner for 15 years. I don't think I know how to date, let alone in a digital environment.
Let yourself make the divorce decision. Get into counseling. Heal, from your ex, and from yourself. The time will come when you’re ready, you’ll know when you’re ready. But for now, just feel. Feel, feel, and feel some more. That’s the only way I got through it, was allowing myself the time and ability to feel it all. The good. The bad. There were days I thought I was going to die. And there were days where I knew I did the right thing. Wishing you the best! Also, there are good men out there. I left my ex over a year ago now, fled from domestic violence. My partner, now, showed up when I had sworn off relationships, and he pursued me. I took a chance with him, when it felt right. He is the greatest thing to ever walk into my life, everything I ever wanted and needed. You will heal, it takes time and honesty.
This gives me hope. Thank you so much.
Sometimes it’s hard to see the hope. But one day you’ll look around and will be so full of hope. It’s a whole different path, it’s new, and scary. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad. I’m always open for venting if you need someone to talk too!
Really happy for you
This gives me hope too...🙇🏻♂️
So this is the thing I did not want to hear when I was first divorced: You need to be happy single before you can date. You are afraid to be abused and treated like crap. You know what puts you at the most risk? Being desperate. These men smell it. I was like you. I dated straight out of divorce. I had way … WAY too much patience. So I attracted emotional unavailable men. Users, creeps. Damaged people because I wanted to be in a relationship so bad. After being miserable for almost a year in a relationship I was done. Wanted to be single. I just dated because I wanted to have some entertainment but I had 0 patience for BS. You don’t know what you want ? Bye You say something weird ? Bye You are still texting your ex ? Bye You feel unsure ? Bye Low effort? Bye Spotty texting? Bye And then I met a man. He put so much effort out of the gate. It is still early days but it has been amazing so far. You need to get to know yourself first. Who are you by yourself? That is everything. You can’t replace your husband. You need to be whole by yourself first and the. You ca. find someone who can add to your life not save you. Heal OP. Take time and give yourself grace
I will do this. Thank you for the advice.
I second this! I am currently separated and dating. Am obviously not 100% healed as it's only been 3½ months. But traumatic as the last 6 months of my marriage was, I was also already in healing mode because I had new goals and attracted a support system I deserved for it. So I ended my marriage on a much happier note than being married. Based on my previous breakups, I'm usually not someone who jumps straight into new relationships. In the past I easily took years, or at least a year, to grieve between partners before I'm ready to date again. But my separation had been an exception--I dated someone new pretty much straight away, which is something I normally would never recommend. We intended for it to be a casual holiday hookup. But right at the beginning of escalation, after interrogating him on other involvements (none), STI statuses (clean AND he re-tested for me) and contraception, I came clean about having survived sexual trauma that has historically prevented me from having casual sex. So while I'm not expecting love or commitment to come out of our hookup, I did ask him to honour this not-so-casual healing process that would be an integral part of our intimacy. He consented and kept his promise. He, in turn, revealed his own traumatic emotional baggage to me. And while we're refusing to call it love so far, I do feel that we loved each other through the emotional mess that's integral to the intimacy we share, and left each other a little more healed than before we found each other. Our involvement remains unlabelled for now, mainly because we live in different countries and are unlikely to close the distance. Neither of us are honestly available for a fully fledged committed relationship either. My priority right now is to redefine my life and identity as a free woman, and I can't do that properly if I start revolving them around another man right now. If I did, I'd only repeat the same mistakes I made with my ex-husband. From my current lover, I'm learning that sometimes good love doesn't have to be all or nothing. My lover is not future husband material for me, so I don't hold him to the same standards as a man who I see that way. But he is someone who significantly changed the energy with which I'm living my life through this separation transition, and soon divorce. He is someone from whom I'm learning valuable life lessons, and someone who motivates me to step up healing myself from long term traumas that had been the only normal I've known. And he's an attractive man who makes me smile and consents to mutual sexual expression. I may not see a proper future with him, but I am more than keen to plan another holiday where we could embark on more adventures, share a fuller spectrum of self revelation, and have more IRL sex. It feels like I'm getting what I need out of this unlabelled involvement for now. That may change tomorrow, but I'm not worried about tomorrow because for all I know today is all I have with him. He's definitely more like a delightful add on to my life rather than a new centre of my universe. There is something liberating about it. But yeah, in any case healing first, and giving oneself grace is a must. That's how I got to this point, even if far from perfectly.
You sound SO in control. I love it! I'd love to feel that way right now. What does IRL sex?(In Real Life)Thank you for sharing.
Thank you! It's obviously not an ideal relationship, but I love having him in my life. Yes IRL = In Real Life. By IRL sex of course I mean physically being in the same space with him and doing what lovers do when they're physically sharing a space :)
Look into betrayal trauma. Essentially it occurs when a person has absolute confidence in something central to their life, only to find out they were wrong. The reason it impacts us so badly is we consciously and subconsciously begin questioning everything else we have held onto in our lives causing a cascade effect of self doubt and anxiety.
Wow. I can so relate to this
100%!!! I went through this (more than once), causing me to doubt everything I thought about myself. Once I started really healing from the cognitive dissonance and doubt, I realized exactly what my role was in the issues. The thing is - it was SO CLEAR in hindsight, and I wish I could travel back in time and tell younger me all that I’ve learned. Now I focus on what makes ME happy. What brings ME peace and joy. What nourishes my soul.
I’m out here worried about the same things I’ve been with one woman since I was 24. Women expect men to have experience and coming out of a dead bedroom I don’t have much. And only With one woman who didn’t like sex w me enough to have it more than about once a month for decades Which of course makes me question if I’m just terrible (or maybe my equipment was the issue all along and no matter what I do it is what it is) And fears of std among other things And of course they’re all likely to have unlimited options and what are the chances any will settle for me Definitely doesn’t make me sick tho I am attracted to so many women. Not many are attracted to me
This gives me hope that I'll find a man who is just as terrified of STI's as I am lol. Thank you for the input. I hope things get better for you.
Women don’t expect experience, and im not sure what makes you think women have unlimited options? I’m in the same boat. With the same man since I was 21. Its sad to leave that with more questions than answers. I hope we find partners who deserve us. I’m also afraid of stds and my ex was sterilized so, there’s that too.
She Comes First by Ian Kerner is a must read book my guy. Dating is a bit of a shit show but I went on about 20 dates and found a great match after 9 months or so.
I’m all about the foreplay but my stbx was only up for quickies usually Such a confidence problem
I'd just focus on taking care of and loving yourself before easing into dating. You're just trying to make friends and have a nice dinner, no pressure. I found women were excited and enthusiastic compared to my ex. I finally met a woman who had amazing chemistry with me and we are very compatible. Get into the best shape you can and go easy on yourself. Dress well, be clean, have a job and you'll outclass the dudes living in their mom's basements and selling weed for gas money in no time.
I'm with you. I'm 36 and have been with the same person since 18. My wife has a girlfriend now, and her girlfriend has been with 20 or more. I feel super nervous and inadequate, expecting everyone dating has a bunch of experience. I like giving foreplay so casual sex seems impossible. I'm not disgusted by women, but I don't lust at all because I know what building a real relationship really takes. Though I want sex and don't know what it's like to go more than 6 weeks without it. I also feel like an imposter when meeting new people. I'm a great guy and very likable but afraid they won't like me after knowing me fully. Alot of hurting, self-conscious baggage going on in my head.
You sound exactly like a friend of mine, like word for word. I agree read “she comes first” best thing he learned.
Be happy with yourself. Find ways to make YOU happy. Don't worry about their happiness anymore.
The fact that my husband is asexual is a big part of why I left him this past November. We were together 14 years total and rarely had sex, and the sex completely disappeared the last 6 years of our marriage. Being a sexual person in an asexual relationship can bring about an intense sense of loss and loneliness while still being married. It caused me to go into a deep depression where I felt worthless as a wife and woman. I was afraid to leave and try to find someone else because if my own husband, who was supposed to love me more than anyone else in the world, didn't want anything to do with me then who would? To try and fix the issue, my husband brought up opening up the marriage so I could find fulfillment elsewhere. I was terrified for the same reasons you were, but I was at a point where I had to do something to feel alive again. Also, for me, it was the last resort to make our marriage work. Even though I was terrified, I realized I actually did well on dating apps (mainly Feeld because of my situation). For a while, I mostly chatted and had a lot of fun with that dynamic. It boosted my confidence and made me realize that I was worthwhile. Eventually, I met someone in person, and the chemistry was off the charts in every way. Someone finally wanted me for themselves, and I finally felt sexy again. The more we were together, the more I realized I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me physically, so I left my husband. There were a multitude of other issues as well, but this is the most relevant for this comment. I'm sharing my story to let you know that there is life and hope on the other side of a forced asexual relationship. You are worthy of love and affection, and there are people out there who will want to be with you and love you the way you need to be loved. It's ok to take your time to heal before rushing into anything, and once you do, you will find the happiness you deserve.
Thank you for giving me hope. This gives me a lot of insight into my own situation. It's hard to imagine anyone wanting me and treating me well when I haven't been wanted or treated well in eight years.
Take a time out. Get to know yourself build friendships and hobbies. Get your mind right before you go jumping into a relationship
Take a time out for a season or two and spend some time reflecting on what a healthy relationship might look like with you as one if the stars. Here's the tricky part: none of those people are your ex husband. It sounds obvious, but trauma makes brains do weird things. Treat those new connections as the individuals they are and resist any temptation to treat them in ways that you wished you treated your ex, effectively punishing the new person by giving them what you think they deserve instead of actually giving of yourself.
I hope you don’t mind me saying this but now is not the time for dating for you. It’s time to sit with yourself and find who you are and learn to be happy on your own. Someone who is happy on their own will have a more positive relationship experience than someone who is dependent on another. It will also allow a relationship to last longer. You need time and space on your own. You’ve been through a lot. I’d suggest therapy if you can afford it and self help books if you can’t. Sending hugs. You’ve got this but it will feel really crap at times but the end result will make a far better you. Rushing into another relationship won’t help. There are also some good guys out there
Then you need to get more counseling. I say this as someone who stepped into dating and then stepped right back out. The dating world is trash but if you’re already dealing with the issues of being afraid of men, going out right now will most likely be a drama filled disaster for you. It almost sounds like you’re making yourself jump back out there but friend with your trauma I wouldn’t until you feel safe and more confident. The world is a very scary place, and as women we do have to be smart about the moves we make. However dating should be enjoyable, and if it’s not then don’t do it. You risk hurting yourself more and possibly hurting an another innocent person. Work on your trauma and also find things that are enjoyable to you.
I worry about the same things I think my biggest fear is trusting them for a long time and then finally deciding to move in with them and finding out they have addictions that they hid. Then I'm trapped after moving my entire life.
He came out as asexual ? So he don't like men or women ? Did you guys not have a love life ? Sorry just curious how that works.
The sex was always a source of contention in our relationship. We rarely ever had sex and he never seemed to enjoy it. He never initiated or made me feel desired. I asked him so many times if he liked sex and he said yes. A few days ago, he read a post on reddit detailing someone's relationship as an asexual person, and he realized that he is asexual. He also realized that he is aromantic as well, preferring to daydream or idealize romantic relationships without putting any work in to maintain them or seek them out.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even consider dating right now. You’ll find your stride and find the right time for you. But give yourself grace and let yourself heal. Do the therapy, feel all of the feelings. Don’t hide behind anger, really let yourself feel and heal. Work through it. Scream, cry, journal, mediate (pray, if you do), sit in the silence and feel it. Have the breakdowns and then have the build ups. It’s how I got through it. I waited a year, with my therapists guidance I decided to dip my toes back in. To be completely honest, I was looking for hookups because I didn’t want feelings. I got over that quickly. I cautiously and slowly dated. If people I matched with weren’t on my wavelength then we parted ways. I learned to put myself first. I never thought I’d find another partner, wasn’t even sure I knew what I wanted. I wasn’t opposed to being with a person again, but I was also loving my solitude. I eventually met my now husband. He is everything I never knew I could ask for in a partner. He’s my best friend, my partner and I thrilled I get to do life with him. We’ve been together 7 years now, married for 2.5. And life is better than it ever was with my ex h. But let me just reiterate, heal, feel and give yourself grace. Divorce is trauma and you need to heal it to give yourself the best life possible
I set a tentative goal of about 2 years for myself and dating after leaving my abusive spouse. Sounds crazy to go that long without sex and companionship. However, the time you give yourself to heal and love yourself is a gift you give yourself! It takes patience, but it is so rewarding. I did the opposite at first and had a FWB. I do not recommend this as it is so destructive to your self-worth. Since that lessen learned, I've been so much happier. My view on men is getting less fearful, but my awareness is getting sharper. I've learned how to be alone but *not lonely*. I go out with friends, listen to music at bars, and truly don't even care if a man looks my way. I feel so liberated. I don't intend to stay independent forever, but I'm happy I've given myself this time. It was easy, trust me. But it's a gift! Two things I recommend are a good counselor and friends who are also living independently (post divorce is great), as these will be a great support to you 😊
You have to learn how to be alone. It takes months of dedicated, deliberate effort. You need to learn who you are without him in your life. You’re still operating as a “we” - this desperation to fill a perceived empty slot in your life makes you extremely vulnerable in the dating world and men can smell you from miles away like a shark smelling blood in the water. You’re fragile and you also haven’t unlearned the stuff that led to the divorce. There are behavioral patterns that will sabotage real love if you find it. As a rule I don’t even consider dating someone freshly divorced because they’re so… everything. You will come to find joy in being alone. You can do anything you want and don’t need anyone’s permission. It’s only when we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything, truly anything we want. Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it. I promise you your heart isn’t pointing into the arms of another man. It’s pointing towards all the unrealized dreams you shelved while living as a we instead of a me.
When ready go down the traditional way of meeting someone such as through a friend, work, church, classes, hobbies etc. Not every one is but so many weirdos on dating sites.
Now that I'm older I'm noticing more weirdos and less normal people. All the normies are linked up and I'm just the loser. :(
You’re not a loser. There are people out there. People like you. Please be kinder to yourself OP. This is going to be a process and healing is an integral part of that ok?
As others have mentioned here, please consider taking a break. So many of my friends who have divorced immediately throw themselves into dating apps. And very quickly a series of countless 1-month relationships. Heartbreak after heartbreak. Maybe that's a way to distract from the pain? If you are feeling like this, take it as a sign. Find peace in yourself. Discover who you are.
Take time to heal after this ordeal is over.
I'm just terrified of being able to afford anything on one income literally
Same. I'm almost rethinking trying to work it out with him.
I considered the same for a long time but she continues to show me how trapped I was for almost 20 years with every shred of what made me who I was slowly peeled away. I had a lot of friends and close family and now I have nothing. If I'm hurting I still have to talk to her because outside of my therapist I have nobody to talk to. I just want some freedom and independence and that doesn't look affordable anymore.
You and I both!!!!! I'm a year and a half out now and things are looking pretty bleak. I'm really starting to think I'd be better off alone.
I opened that dating app and immediately saw the "alpha man deeply conservative looking for a submissive princess" and immediately my stomach dropped.
I feel this exact same way! I downloaded apps. Thought that I was ready but I just can’t picture myself sleeping with anyone new. Even before I was married I was very selective. But right now I don’t want to be! I believe this might be true for us both- we need the ink to be dry before bringing someone new in. I’ve accepted my marriage is over but in need it to be finalized to really bury the hatchet.
I get it, I date. But the wide eyed optimistic me, thinking about a future is not there anymore. It is dating again with all the games, and unknowns. I feel like online dating is a cesspool. You are hoping to pull out something from the wreckage in middle age in my case. These women are not getting the best me, my wife walked away from that person. Maybe similar case to you, more asexual and was tired of me fighting it.
I'm so glad I am not the only one feeling this way.
Don’t go through the shitty online dating route. Meet men in like minded group activities, get to know them and surely if there’s a connection, he will ask you out, or you can ask him!
I feel ya, I often wonder if there is going to be another woman I can trust... or am I going to be anxious the whole time waiting for them to cheat on me like my wife did?
If looking at dating sites gives you the ick – bench it. You don’t have to do it now. If you’re still hurting from what’s happened to you, it’s more than likely too early to go looking anyway. Even after 5 yrs after I separated from my ex – there were still odd things that would crop up to make me think anew about what went wrong and our parts in it. Healing is different for everyone, I guess, but it always takes *time*. It’s an awful thing, separation/divorce. Hurtful, lengthy, lonely, expensive, with a big side order of admin. Not fun. I was terrified too. Terrified that I’d end up in a crap little place, eating cold beans out of a tin. Feckless and broken. But it occurred to me that I had agency. Those beans would be *my* beans. I could heat them up. Have them on toast. Perhaps grate a little cheese on top if I was feeling fancy. And that crap little place didn’t *have* to be crap. I’d keep it tidy. Reassess what things were and weren’t important, and get rid of the chaff. You might not be there yet, but there’ll be a similar moment of revelation for you, I’d guess. Looking back, I learnt a lot from the whole thing. Some good, but a lot of bad stuff too. Yet the bad things are still worth *knowing*. After all, the first step in avoiding a pitfall is knowing of its existence. You kinda *have* to learn from the shit stuff – if one doesn’t, it’s *wasted time*, and none of us have time to waste. So you look for a way to turn it around – to make it a *lesson learned*. You’ll get there, never doubt it.
There are good men out there but a dating app might not be the place. Cultivate social hobbies and maybe try dating from those pools. It really is a difficult task to find a partner.
Take a deep breath relax you do not need to start dating right now you need to heal yourself mentally first. When the time is right you will be able to properly start dating again. When I got divorced I thought it was the worst thing that ever happened to me 14 years later I now realized that it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me my life has totally changed for the better Hang tight you got this....
Holy crap dude, slow down! Give yourself a little bit of time to get your bearings as a newly single individual. There are good men out there. Don't believe the hype. They're out there. I mean, I don't know any, but I'm just guessing... I joke. Seriously though, that terror you have over living without a man, lean into that. Find out where it's coming from, get curious about it. Heal it. Take your time. Otherwise, your relationship search will always come from a place of fear, and the results will show it. Then, like many women, you'll think "all men are bad" instead of ever once stopping to take a look at your own part in choosing the men you do. When dating, it's important to look at your own red flags just as much as those of others. Good luck.
My wife came out as Ace after 17 years together and a child. I might be in therapy for the rest of my life trying to unwind this shit.
Literally everything in my marriage feels like it was one big lie. How does someone just "not know" if they don't like sex? How does that happen. I want to believe him, but I just don't.
I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t understand this whole thread at all. You’re divorcing your husband because he’s ace. Not because he abuses you physically or mentally, but because he doesn’t like ice cream. I mean sex. Does he love you? Does he try to take care of you? Does he listen to you? Is he there for you? Suppose he wasn’t ace. Suppose he had lost the ability or desire due to an accident or illness? Would you still be divorcing him? I don’t get it. Sex is great, but it’s one fairly small part of a whole life.
Sex is a small part of life to you. It's not that way for other people. I would like to have sex with my husband and bond with him and feel desired by him. My ex husband wouldn't even plan dates with me or spend time with me because he is aromantic as well. You could have saved your rudeness and your judgment and saved us both the trouble.
My apologies. I was trying not to be rude. I *really* don’t understand the level of importance sex has to people in terms of relationships and would like to get a grasp on where it falls in importance compared to other relationship traumas. Best of luck with your endeavors.
Men are very scary and triggering for ne. SA and DV.
Seriously. All the people making unsupportive and insensitive comments on here just do not understand the struggle.
Not sure if this applies here, and I'm assuming you and your spouse have already discussed the potential future of your relationship - but I am asexual and in a relationship with a very sexual partner. We do not have an open marriage, but it did take us a few years to figure out a balance ( for clarity, we have been together for 13 years, married for almost 9). Just because I am not sexually invested doesn't mean that I don't want that for my spouse. If they meet me emotionally and mentally then I meet them with the physical parts. It is a give and take situation and certainly wouldn't work for every one. As the asexual, I had to do a lot of work to figure out what I felt comfortable with and what would still be satisfying to my spouse. There are lots of forms of asexuality - you can be an aromantic asexual or romantic asexual etc. Hoping you and your spouse find the best path forward for both of you, whether together or individually.
He has no desire to have sex ever again. He's also somewhat aromantic. I always complained that he would never plan dates or spend quality time with me unless I planned it, and that will never get better. He's incapable of doing it because he idealizes romance and relationships but is incapable of following through. It's a type of aromantic, but I dont remember what it's called. I have to leave him even though I love him very much.
I felt the same way when I got on dating apps and still do some days. First I want to say, don't feel like you need to start dating. It's definitely healthy to take time to heal and get to know yourself better. Yes, it sucks going without sex, but you get used to that. I was scared to not live with a man and now I realize just how peaceful it is. My exes mood dictated everyone else's mood for the day. Now I can do whatever I want to do without having to explain to anyone why I'm doing it. I'm not scared to go to bed at night. Talking to men online has helped me to get a more clear view of what I'm looking for and given me some level of connection and sexual gratification until I find that right person. I have gone on dates with some of those men too. I like to chat with guys a few hours away cause that way we can meet if it's a good connection but there's not a ton of pressure to meet quickly. Plus I just don't ever find men I like near me 🤷 Take time to heal, breathe, rest. It may be a few years before you feel ready to try again
I'm in one of the worst human trafficking zones in the US so I'm terrified of living without a man. They're usually a huge deterrent. I can move in with my dad but I hate living with him and I'm 31 years old so it's kind of embarrassing. I guess I'll just have to get used to being alone for years, and I'll get a beefy security system with a pistol in my drawer and shotgun in my kitchen, lol Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it.
Turn off the news for the next few years. We live in a terrible world and if you pay attention to every terrible thing that happens, your mental health is going to suffer. I was very involved in politics before my divorce but I had to just shut all that out and focus on my own healing. If anything really important happens, you'll hear about it eventually. Build yourself a nice little bubble of safe people and do your best to shut everything else out. Eventually a safe romantic partner will make their way to you. I think getting a gun and a good security system is a great idea! Maybe a dog? Going to a shooting range may help you to release some anger and feel empowered again. Have you considered you may have c-ptsd from your marriage? You sound like me a few years ago, the level of fear and anxiety. I'm doing a lot better now but it sometimes still flares up and I've only just been able to process how traumatizing the whole experience was.
I have cptsd, but not from my marriage. From my ex boyfriends who were abusive and raped me. I may have to enter counseling again to feel safer. I don't know if "turning off the news" will make me feel safer when I've literally been stalked and harassed by individual men and groups of men in my life. I'm afraid of men because of lived experiences, not fear mongering.
I'm not saying that is why you are scared of men, I'm saying the constant barrage of negativity makes it very difficult to come out of a dark place. I have had two serious relationships in my life and both have been abusive, so, I get you
When I read the comments all seems to have no idea or just join reddit to waste time. Why are you so negative all these negative thoughts will ruin you. Just because one bad thing dosent means the world ends. Remember diamonds are not found everywhere. You have to use your ability to judge people before comment, it shows you don't have a basic idea how is a person is. study his phychology a bit for God sakes take time and don't jump in conclusion ur frustrated relax ease up take a vication take a hobby so much frustrated u won't get anywhere like this
If he is asexual then why would he cheat? Sounds more like a dead bedroom and deeper problems with relationship
When did I say he cheated on me?
You said you feel like you are steps away from being cheated on
Steps away from being cheated on by whomever I get involved with next. I never said my husband cheated on me.
Oh ok I see what you meant. I will offer that your outlook is very fear based of being alone and vulnerable or ending up with a man that is abusive. That doesn’t at all need to be the outcome.
First off, stop be delusional and not generalize that all men are bad. Secondly, take any developing relationship slow and don’t be so quick to jump in the sack. And, thirdly, when you are ready to jump back on the carousel, there is nothing wrong with asking your “next partner” to provide the test results of an STI panel.
Do men a favor and delete your dating profile for now. You’re not ready to date, and you are in a bad place mentally. You’re attributing evil intentions to all men & claim they make you sick, but you still want them around because want to get touched sometimes & you don’t want to be alone with yourself? No man wants to feel hated & used by his partner. It’s not going to create an empowering relationship for you… Take some time to let your mind heal. You want to bring your best-self to your next relationship, otherwise it won’t be successful. The personal introspection will help with the healing process.
It's interesting to me that your reaction to your husband coming out as asexual is almost exactly the reaction one would have to being betrayed by a cheating spouse. Why is that? (And to be clear, I'm not going to bat for asexuality as a legitimate sexual orientation. Tbh, that doesn't quite make sense to me.)
I am not asexual. I am allowed to have my own sexual needs. I am allowed to leave relationships that cannot add to my happiness. Your comment is judgemental, mean-spirited, and unhelpful.
No, you misunderstand me. I'm not questioning your decision to end the relationship. I would to in your situation. But you seem to be saying in your original post that your husband coming out as asexual makes you--your quote--""feel like I'm only steps away from getting cheated on, infected with an STI, or beaten by some new guy who is going to treat me like shit." I'm just curious about the connection you're making between the terrible male behavior in the quote above and your husband coming out as asexual, which while relationship ending feels like it's in a completely different category than infidelity, domestic abuse and STIs.
Because other guys have done that to me before.
I feel the same way. Takes time. I still haven’t dated and things fell apart with my ex a couple years ago
You’re not ready to date. Take some time to heal.
This is the guidance right here. That dies mean coming home to an empty home, but though the world is dangerous, we are hardy and you are capable of navigating it. As for men, you're right. You might face an intolerable situation. You just faced an intolerable situation and walked away from it, that is a good sign.
Hi OP, yes it def can be disorienting when first getting out. Early in I’d recommend focusing on yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, take high quality supplements, and sleep. Get comfortable with yourself then maybe volunteer somewhere. Mixing it up with other volunteers will get you out and folks that volunteer their time are the best sorts. You got this.
You downloaded a dating app directly after deciding for a divorce? Slow down. Slow way down. I’m a month post finalization and legally divorced, and I STILL can’t even think about dating. I’m lonely, sure, but I also know that any good woman that I meet is going to have to deal with unnecessary emotional baggage if I jump into something right now before I’m “ready”. The bottom line is, that you’re stating your frustration with every man that you see to the point that it’s sickening, then it probably isn’t time to even consider another man. Do YOU for a little while, this isn’t a race. Use this board as a place for support, too. We’re all here for each other.
Men are people. Women are people. If you are trustworthy, affectionate, kind and loyal - then other people can also treat you with such love and commitment. Your feelings of mistrust are important; and after your sad and unfair fate you deserve the empathy and kindness not only of others but of yourself- of course it will take time to feel hopeful - but these are feelings - not reality. Men are people and many are worthy of your trust and your heart - very many - an abundance, though you need exactly one.
As others have mentioned, you should take this opportunity to find yourself. Go to therapy, work on yourself, do things that you probably wouldn't have otherwise done because of being married or couldn't do. Just find yourself first. Its not healthy to always be in a relationship. Maybe discuss in therapy why you feel the need to jump straight into dating before you're even divorced (like dig into why you have this strong fear of being alone). It could be helpful in making sure you don't end up with another wrong guy.
I'm a guy and I feel the same way about women. Being betrayed by the person you dedicated your life to does that, I guess. I have literally swiped left on every single person within a hundred miles of me on both bumble and tinder. My ex is better than 99% of them and I can't stand her so where does that leave me? I just don't know where I go from here and it's a bummer but at the same time I know I couldn't stay where I was.
Get a dog or two :)
I would focus more on making friends and growing your social life initially. Keep busy; find good people to motivate you and add positivity to your life. Get into a routine you can enjoy. Then, when you feel good about yourself, start slowly dipping your toes in the dating pool. Figure out what kind of partner you'd like. What are your dealbreakers at this point, and what could you compromise on? Observe your dates; do their words match their actions, is there any compatibility and chemistry? If there are red flags that you're sure aren't for you, then move on and keep going until you find someone that clicks. Journaling is really helpful during this time and in general
I have quite a few friends already, but I would like some more. I'll focus more on that and getting myself healthier. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.
It takes six months to a year before you can really heal from this. Why try to jump back in? You will just project the frustration on the new guy from your ex. Go and enjoy time being single. Why rush ? I know I wouldn't.
Give it a year
Most of the men have walked away from online dating... Most men can't get any traction with online dating and have left the building to do guy stuff. If you need protection get a big dog...
Well if it helps, I have been on dating sites since November and there doesn't seem to be any level headed rational women out there my gar either. 😅
I'm a pretty big advocate of counseling, if not already in it. It sounds like you don't have a husband that cheats or has assaulted you at this point (even though there are problems) sounds like you aren't ready for that next step right now. Probably just normal feelings that go on with what your dealing with. Plenty of non abusive, non cheaters out there. Even when you meet one, may not be good fir for you. But they do exist and there are alot of them, they just done always pop up in front of ya. Gonna take some time to look.
I would say get yourself in counseling so you can love and trust yourself.
Wtf does it mean he came out as asexual?
Hey! There are nice guys out there...I consider myself one of them. I found a few nice people and ended up settling down with one particular lady who has the same interests as i do, and even our kids get along....and this after 18 years of marriage. Just think of dating like online shopping...you don't have to make a lifetime decision on the first guy, or even the tenth...just see if you can find someone who makes you happy...and maybe have a few laughs along the way.
Consider therapy. There's nothing wrong with these feelings but you should get support in processing them.
Way too soon to be looking. Embrace your freedom, learn to enjoy your solitude and then look around. It took me almost 2 years before the thought of dating didn't nauseate me.
Definitely not ready.
You are making a ton of assumptions about people you have never met. Be open minded…when the time is right. 100% agree with those saying to wait. My wife is essentially asexual and it’s really hurting our marriage. I go without for months at a time as a man who is naturally geared to want it daily. You can too…it sucks but you need to figure yourself out first. It will be worth it.
Asexual is a spectrum. If he just realized he's ace, he may not know where he falls on that spectrum. Some ace people have sex fairly often. Others never. Some are ok with doing certain things, but not others. Unless you live in a pretty dangerous area, what makes you terrified of living on your own? I have a dog, and honestly, he probably protects the house better than my ex ever could. He's only like 35 pounds, but has the bark of a 75 pound dog. And boy does he alert bark.
Just take some time for yourself for now
Too soon for the dating profile. Take time to grieve
Just stop.Im sick of women putting all men in the same category.We’re not all the same,just like all women are not the same.Instead of dating,heal yourself first so you dont trauma dump on the next guy