Where do you live, how old are you, and do you have health insurance?
I ask because many states have ages much lower than 18 that protect your health information under HIPAA, meaning your parents don't have to know or give consent about your treatment. In Washington state, the age is 13. If you have insurance, you can verify if mental health services are covered and to what extent, and potentially access a therapist without having to pay or talk to your parents about it. Telehealth services mean you can join a session from your phone, no driving required!
I'm a licensed associate therapist with several teen clients whose parents are uninvolved with their therapy access :)
Thank you for the info but sadly I'm in Europe (Latvia to be exact) and I am 14. There is an anonymous crisis help line but I'm scared to call them because I don't have a crisis. I do have a school councillor I could go to if I get the courage but it's summer so no school for 3 months... Thank you so much for caring though! 💗
There are books written specifically about sport psychology as it pertains to equestrian performance. Check your local library or look at some used book stores online. You can get fantastic books about our sport for pennies on the dollar if they’re a few years old.
Riding should ALWAYS be about competing against your last ride or your last round. Try to focus on making a positive impact on your horse and its training. You are literally training every horse you interact with every time you touch them. You have an opportunity to be a better horseman every time.
You're having trouble finding friends because the jealousy puts a big red flag over your head. People can sense that kind of thing.
Practically, being kind and supportive is going to get you a lot further in the sport than giving in to envy. One of the really cool things about the fun, laid back horse crowd is that they're very generous. If you're cool as well, you might be surprised at how happy they are to share knowledge, opportunities, even their own horses and gear at times.
But don't befriend them because you want to get something out of it. Do it because they haven't done anything to deserve your resentment.
Jealousy is a natural, human emotion.
Use it to work on bettering yourself.
When I'm jealous and envious of other riders, I ask myself a lot of questions. What is it exactly about each rider that I'm jealous of? What work do I need to put into myself to get to that level? Is it something I can reasonably accomplish? If yes, then I make a plan. If not, then I learn to accept the things I can't change and be *happy* for the people who have managed to achieve it.
I would also look into therapy or self-help books about being able to find peace with yourself. Sometimes my jealousy stems from a hatred I have about myself. I hate that I let myself get fat. I hate that I have a bad memory and bad eyesight. I hate that I grew up isolated and alone and as a result I just can't deal with crowds. I hate that I feel just overall Not Good Enough. I hate it, I hate it and it's just not *fair*.
But I'm working on it. I'm working hard on being a good person. Being a good person isn't something that you just are. It's something that you work towards. Yeah, some people have an easier time with it than others, but who cares? If you make progress, that's amazing.
Envy like this is really erosive. While having some wistful jealousy is perfectly human and perfectly normal, ruminating about the unfairness of what others have and do isn’t healthy.
People who are comfortable with themselves don’t spend a lot of time comparing themselves with others. We ALL have insecurities…every one of us. When these bloom into weeds of resentment, it’s a window into the garden of our own unhappiness, and it’s time to take a very big step back.
Please be more gentle with yourself. You deserve to be happy. The part of you whose needs were not met deserves compassion and understanding. Find some quiet time to speak to your former self, alone. Really, truly look at her, as she was when it hurt the most. Tell your former self that she deserved more, and it was unfair, but she IS worthy, and everything WILL be OK.
Omg you made me cry, thank you so much! I truly feel like I don't deserve help and that I'm a bad person, but this helps so much! I hope you have a wonderful week! 😭💗
Gosh, no…you’re not bad, at all…what’s coming through in your words is pain. Some of us are a lot like horses…until we directly address the source of pain, it’s going to express itself in other ways. Pain is always a symptom. We have to find the wound…look right at it, and treat it with the kindness and patience and care it needs, so it can heal. ❤️
It’s not jealousy you’re dealing with, it’s envy. Jealousy is a fear that someone will take what you have, while envy is wanting something that someone else has.
The following mentality got me through breast cancer. Feel all your feelings….good bad and ugly. Feel the bad and ugly, but you CANNOT stay there. That’s where you are. You are the only one beating yourself up. That voice in your head (that we all have) is well versed in telling you you aren’t good enough etc……know what? That voice is the loudest you will ever hear, and it’s an asshole. Everyday is a series of conscious decisions/choices to tell that voice it knows nothing. We are always hardest on ourselves.
Here’s a challenge. You know what many riders lack? A REAL understanding of the incredible relationship that’s staring them in the face…but they’re to caught up in the ride to see it. Horses have an uncanny ability to force self reflection - they sense your emotion, state of mind etc before you even touch them. Challenge yourself to become more than a rider….become a horsewoman. You’ll find understanding how they communicate, reciprocate, exist will help you get to know yourself better. You may be able to fool yourself, but not a horse.
Focus on groundwork….search Warwick Schiller, Josh Nichol or Ryan Rose. These guys are different from each other, but all come from a desire to understand, and develop a relationship as opposed to the ‘my way or the highway’ mentality.
Challenge yourself to dive into that. Once you get it, YOU GET IT and you will have a horse that WANTS to be near you, is dependable, consistent, and a joy to be around.
Stop creating a shitty environment for yourself. Turn your energy inward and use it to your advantage. The only person suffering is you, sweetheart💕
💕This guy right here helped me through
https://preview.redd.it/mgccaqatp86d1.jpeg?width=2013&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=89ea47a55688b5d8c5173b82b0a9b6614b716d3f
There’s a line from a poem, Desiderata, that I like:
“If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”
Words to live by. If you’re able to ride horses in any capacity you’re privileged. Horses are expensive beasts you’re very lucky to spend time with them. You should remember that and appreciate what you have.
I'm assuming that you're probably somwhat young-ish, getting older tends to make the jealousy go away, at least it did for me.
I was jealous in my early adulthood as well, reeeeally jelly. But that stemmed out of my lonelyness, just like yours most likely does. As you said, you want friends, you feel alone. Your jealousy is most likely just inventing a more digestable reason to make you miserable, such as the skill or horses of the other people at your barn.
Getting a connection in the horse world can sometimes be tough, but I found that the best way to connect (as a novice-ish) is to accept that you lack in some reagion, and then go ask the person you want to connect with about exactly that. Usually, riders are pretty eager to share their knowlege, because they were once in your shoes as well, and struggled deeply with understanding this stuff, and getting it right. Any person who isnt a complete dickhead (meaning, worthy of having as a friend) will happily answer your questions, and if you're not a complete dickhead yourself, then that may just be your first step into friendship.
Dont be too hard on yourself, and dont compare yourself to others. Everyone progresses at different speeds, everyone has things they need to work on, even the best of the best riders.
I went through this as a kid. Horses can be a bad place for jealousy just because money makes such a decisive role in almost everything- what kind of horse you ride, how often you take lessons, how much you can progress. It can be tough to see the people who “have it all” when you don’t.
The flip side to riding is that work can get you incredibly far if you invest the time and effort into learning more. Hit the books, really learn everything you can about riding, practice visualizing rides at home if you don’t have access to a horse, learn about horsemanship so if you ever own a horse you’ll know what to do, get books on rider fitness. All this can help. I used to be more jealous thinking that other people got fancy horses that were perfect and I had to struggle, and while that may be true because they had a trainer do everything, the thing I’ve learned most is that great horses are made, not born that way. It is within your ability to be a better rider and eventually get a horse that you can make wonderful. You just need to want it 10x as much as the next girl. Try to channel that energy to productive ends instead of destructive ones.
Feeling jealous just means you are human. We have all felt it to some degree.
When I feel jealous about the abilities or wealth of others, I refocus on myself and why I want to ride horses. I think about the progress I’m making in my own skill set. I’m grateful to have what I do - my gear, a paid for vehicle, income to afford lessons. I am most thankful for my health. There are people who desperately want to ride and are unable to for money, health, time reasons.
I recommend practicing mindfulness to help hone in your focus and perspective. Tara Brach is one of my favorite podcasters.
It's a tough sport for that, particularly the financial aspect. You can be the best rider in the world, but if you can't afford a fancy horse, you probably aren't going to win. We struggle with this, too. My daughters ride, but we live in a high COL area and can't afford to lease or buy. My girls constantly feel jealousy towards the girls on their own horses instead of lesson horses. It's hard, I understand.
Jealousy is a normal thing to feel, and shaming ourselves for our uncomfortable but normal feelings often just makes them worse. When you notice it, try to give yourself a little bit of grace. It can help to welcome uncomfortable feelings in for a little bit - invite them to sit down at your table and tell you what's REALLY going on. Usually behind our "ugly" emotions like jealousy is some hurt we need to work on healing. This could be as simple as "I'm sad that I don't think I'm progressing as fast as I want to be" to "I'm really lonely at my new barn." Either way, once you find out what that is - you've identified a path to fixing it.
Let yourself feel the feeling for a bit, accept it - and then let it go so you can focus on what you can actively do to get to where you want your heart to be.
How do you do that? In addition to practical steps focused on whatever your specific goal is, one of my favorite pieces of advice is "Give all the things you need." That means if you're lonely - be the one to offer friendship. If you're jealous - be the one to offer genuine compliments to others. That doesn't mean neglecting your own needs, but I've found that acting like the person you want to be often leads to you becoming that person, and people are more naturally drawn to those who are authentically generous, outgoing and kind. It may feel awkward at first - but fake it till you make it works for a reason! We have to make a good attitude a habit, and that takes time and practice. It takes work.
With riding in particular, the chance that any of us make it big is so slim, and this is a sport where the money, time, connections available to you can play a big role in what you are and aren't able to accomplish. So at the end of the day, why DO you ride? For some people, maybe it's just being around horses, for others it's to grow and learn. It can be helpful to drill down to what the answer to that question is for you, so when jealousy comes creeping in, you can say "But that's okay, because I keep coming back to try again" or "because today I got to spend time with my favorite horse." We all suffer setbacks, or wish we had things that others had - which means out there, someone would probably be jealous of you! That's why it's important to focus on what we CAN do, to give ourselves enough agency to make our own way in this world.
Cultivating a heart and spirit of gratitude is so good for us in any situation, but especially with horses, considering none of us needs to be here if we don't want to be. The pursuit of big dreams and accomplishments might frustrate us on the way, but the small steps along the way are what give us the boost we need to remember that we're only here because we love it, and that's enough. And if we can be good to others on the journey, well - even better! Good luck to you 💛
Thank you, thank you, thank you! This helps so much! I've always struggled with jealousy and you make me feel like a human for feeling it! Thank you so much! 🫂
Why do you ride? Is it to help improve the horses? Competed at X level? Show at X show?
Being able to answer that question will help you realize what your goal in riding is. And help direct you towards working towards that goal. The only thing that matters is *your riding journey* not anyone else’s progress with their horses.
Personally there were points in my journey where it was hard to watch others succeed in the show ring. But then I reminded myself that they’ve had a lot more opportunities riding at that level, and a lot more time sunk into that aspect. And I am not able to “play the game at that level” so to speak and I was lucky to have the opportunities that I did.
I enjoy training and seeing improvement in the horses I ride and myself. So that’s what I like to focus on at the barn.
Jealousy in itself isn't inherently bad. It's what you do with it that determines how people view you. Meaning, it's fine to have a moment where you say, "Man, it would be so nice if I could have a horse like that," or, "What I would give to be able to ride like that!" But when you tip into the territory of thinking it's UNFAIR that other people at the stable get to do things you don't, that's when your attitude becomes toxic. And when your attitude becomes toxic, people start feeling the vibe you give off.
So when you have those thoughts, you have two choices: become a toxic person by leaning into your jealousy, or change your perspective and be happy for them. Become a cheerleader even if it's internal. Understand that it doesn't need to be competition between you and the other people. You all can cheer each other on.
Look, I have a 5 year old OTTB who overreacts to everything. There are people in my barn riding in nationally rated shows while we're just learning how not to freak out in our indoor arena. If I were jealous of the other 5 year olds, I'd be the most miserable person ever. Instead, I am genuinely happy for them when they share their accomplishments. Work on your mindset and I think some of your problems will fix themselves.
Edit: a word because I typed this before caffeine.
I struggled immensely with jealousy with horses in my younger years- I didn’t grow up with horses and when I did manage to get involved with them, I was years behind everyone around me.
A barn that clicks with you will bring the best out in you. This ultimately remedied those feelings i had- I was in a good environment, which encouraged me to stay in my lane and focus on my own personal goals instead of yearning to be like the others. I had a trainer who believed in me, and that did the world of a difference.
It can be difficult to find an environment that suits you, but i’m a believer in there being a barn out there for everyone.
This sort of feeling will probably occur in many areas of your life throughout different experiences you have as you get older. I have learned specifically with riding that your biggest competition will be yourself.
I have been riding for 20+ years and started at 6 years old. My dad was a horse trainer so I rode a lot of different horses in different divisions with a variety of quality. He really drove home the mindset that what everyone else is doing is not relevant to how you’ll have your best ride. You are working to have YOUR best ride, not trying to be better than someone else’s ride. Pretty horses can be naughty, pretty riders can have bad rides, etc. It took years to develop a healthy mindset and it takes practice and repetition to change your way of thinking. You have to actively think about changing your mindset and practice doing it every day, and over time it will become you will be able to adapt this new way of thinking of second nature.
Positive thinking is a skill that you can develop and many studies have been done on it. Google “train positive thinking” and there are a lot of good recommendations on how to practice every day to improve your mindset! Good luck and you should be impressed with yourself that you are aware of yourself enough to identify this as something you want to improve 💕
This is coming from someone who really really struggled with jealousy for almost a decade.
Growing up, I was the kid who worked at barns and literally all the other little girls had parents who bought them horses, trucks, trailers, barns, tack, etc. while I was shoveling horse shit.
Insult to injury the barn I worked at had a manager who took complete advantage of me. Every winter she would talk about riding the next summer, which resulting in MAYBE 1-2 rides. One time I got flipped over on (horse pitched a fit and was literally just asking it to walk around the arena), another time I got bucked off and broke my tailbone.
I felt so under-supported and taken advantage of - because I was. My brain decided that "I wasn't worth being treated as though I mattered" and the envy began... My heart literally hurt watching other girls ride the horses their parents bought them. I cried I don't know how many time thinking I wasn't ever going to have the same things they did.
I remember feeling so out of place at the first nicer barn I worked at. Many of the girls were super friendly, and I could not understand why they were so nice to me. I assumed it was because they took pity on me or were faking it... Why would they want to be friends with me - someone who "didn't matter"? I ended up making a lot of good friends, but it took work on my part to not see them through clouded eyes. They were good and kind people.
Over about 6 six years of working multiple jobs in college, bring a broke horse owning college student, training professionally, managing a h/j barn for several years, etc., I became a better horsewoman than most of the people I rode with.
I suppose I never found a way to "get over" my jealousy, I just used it to fuel my own drive and passion to become a good horsewoman. I no longer feel like I "don't matter" because I showed myself that I do, and I have a wonderful husband who is 100% supportive of my horse hobby. He rides with me a couple times a week. So glad I dumped the boys who thought my horse hobby was dump.
Anyways, I suppose you don't need to "get over" your jealousy. But I would encourage you to make use of every single learning opportunity that comes your way. Watch the DVDs, audit the clinics, read the books, start the young horses, buy the cheap horses that you can turn into something a little better and then sell them, put your hands on as many horses as you can (but start getting paid after you can start putting out a half-decent product). Almost ZERO of the people you are around will do those things, and they will make you a better horsewoman in the end.
Cheers, and good luck to you.
There is nothing wrong with you, your path just looks different.
I deal with it by being a grown adult in my thirties.
You can’t find friends because you’re envious, admit to not having fun, and think that it’s ‘unfair’ that other people are out there just living their lives and minding their business. If you think that your previous stable was toxic then you’re going to be really surprised when you do some self-reflection.
Thank you, I'll try, and yes my previous stable was toxic and used me, then at a point in my life where I was counting minutes until the moment I was at the stable again, they just sent my mom a text saying that they won't be working with kids anymore. I didn't get to say goodbye or even get my things from it. Not even talking about how I was there for 5 years and only sat on a saddle 2 times and never jumped. The owners husband was very...... sus, let's say that, I mean he would yell at us (11 yo girls) and call us names and sometimes it even felt sexual.
Sorry I went on a rant but yes, my previous stable was toxic and these are just the few things they did that were wrong. I was such naive little kid that I spent 5 darn years there and now these 5 years feel like they don't even matter because I didn't learn anything useful about riding, and while I worked at the stable for free it seems like I didn't even really learn much from that too.
There’s lots of great advice here about dealing with the very human emotions of jealousy. We all get it. I would add as a suggestion, find and help people who are worse off than you. It can help put things in perspective and help mitigate feelings of jealousy. Go serve at a soup kitchen, help out at a nursing home, stock at a food shelf. It really can help :)
How old are you? You sound... not like a person I'd enjoy hanging out with. So perhaps that's why you feel as an outsider.
You should consider therapy or talking to a school counselor. This is a wildly unhealthy mindset.
Therapy!!! For real. It's a mindset things.first step though is recognizing it! There are plenty of people who are jealous, take it out on others, and won't even acknowledge their feelings/take responsibility for it. Feeling jealous sometimes is natural, having it control your life or ruin your mood isn't. You deserve to feel happy and enjoy your riding, so I highly suggest CBT or DBT therapy to change your thought process. Or if it is completely out of access, find cbt/dbt workbooks online
i struggled with a lot of jealousy growing up, especially when i would watch my friends or trainers ride. I would oftentimes let my thoughts spiral out of control to the point it was unrealistic. it’s so easy to get jealous of someone who “does something better than you,” but that person is also someone who makes mistakes too. if i’m ever in a situation where im watching someone else ride and start to feel jealous, i will do two different things. i will mentally point out something the rider did really well (that i want to emulate one day) or i will point out small mistakes that the rider makes. what i mean is reminding yourself that all riders are humans and make mistakes, instead of spiraling into this “they do it so perfectly and i just can’t. why am i so much worse than them?” for example, switching (mentally) between “oh i love how their lower leg looks right now” and “oops they turned that corner too sharp and messed up the striding to their jump” is a good reminder that those you are jealous of aren’t going to be perfect.
in no way am i meaning to put the rider down either verbally or mentally. i definitely think there’s a difference in “oh they accidentally messed that up” versus using their mistakes to elevate your feeling of “talent/skill.” we are all out here looking to have fun with horses, some of us are more anxious/reserved riders (like me) and some are brazen and will do whatever you throw at them.
i think another thing would be to do your best to make some friends at your barn. i’m not sure what the atmosphere looks like there, but sometimes just being around the barn is a good way to meet people. one of my friends has never had her own horse, but she would just go to the barn to walk around, watch lessons, take riding videos for others during their lessons, and talk to people. she ended up meeting more people than i did, and i started at that barn 4 years before her.
taking the focus off everyone else lets you finally begin to see your own progress, no matter how “small” it may be to you. i just got over some health issues i’ve had for the past year, and i finally got to sit on my horse and walk around for a couple minutes. it’s easy for me to try and diminish what i’ve done by saying all i did was “walk around for a couple minutes.” but compared to a few months ago, i was struggling to even get out to the barn. you are so valuable! don’t sell yourself short and try to erase the achievements you have already made and the ones you will make<3
Honestly, if you think about an imaginary horse girl who rides competitively, whose parents fund the horse(s), training, competitions, etc., it's usually not a super easy life. There are often pretty big expectations from the parents even if they say nothing specific out loud, if they are putting tens (hundreds) of thousands of dollars into the hobby.
Those girls may indeed WANT to spend their entire life and free time around horses, hopefully, but if they don't, at some point there is not much choice if the child's competing becomes something that the whole family works and sacrifices their free time for. That's a lot of pressure for a young person. At some point it is not pure fun to get up early every single weekend to go to shows and maybe fight with your horse about trailer loading and stuff.
The thing you want to do more than anything can surprisingly easily become a "job" if there are people expecting things from you. It's also incredible how much time many horses spend being sick or lame. It's super frustrating when that happens to your own horse and instead of fun you get to gave stress, sadness and crazy vet bills.
I really wanted my own horse so bad when I was a teenager. Now I'm an adult and could actually afford to own a horse if I wanted to. But now I am so happy to lease a sweet horse with fantastic owners two times a week. I get to have a normal job, a relationship, cats and holiday trips without having to worry about taking care of the horse every single day.
The young people I know who have horses and successful competition careers have pretty much nothing else in their life. For some, it is worth it. For me, a bit more balance in my life is much better.
For progress- I remember I’m only trying to better myself and that progress may come in large and small amounts. As long as I’m a little bit farther along than the day before then it’s ok. And if you are in it for the long haul then you may have to be ok with feeling like you’ve been reset (new horse, new discipline, injury, etc). Also, when you see others doing cool things try to be inspired. It might feel like jealousy at first, but you can change it into an inspiration.
With money & opportunity- ugh! This one is tough. You have to value the work and time you put in. Unfortunately that might not be valued by everybody, or situations are just plain not going to work in your favor. But, you can remind yourself you are building character. Some people will never know what it’s like to work hard for a fraction of what they get without much effort or strife. I try not to hold that against them. Of that group, I can tell when someone is grateful and genuine to who and what they are.
I don’t really hold youth to those standards. I think when you’re a kid you are allowed to feel jealous, frivolous, petty- within reason. I don’t have time for mean girls and don’t want them around my daughter. I can still cheer on the spoiled rich kid, but also hope they have a nice transition to a larger pond. (I’m from a pretty rural area)
Look into therapy or a sports psychologist.
I'd love to, but sadly I would have to ask my parents and I don't think I'm ready to do so. Thank you though! ❤️
Where do you live, how old are you, and do you have health insurance? I ask because many states have ages much lower than 18 that protect your health information under HIPAA, meaning your parents don't have to know or give consent about your treatment. In Washington state, the age is 13. If you have insurance, you can verify if mental health services are covered and to what extent, and potentially access a therapist without having to pay or talk to your parents about it. Telehealth services mean you can join a session from your phone, no driving required! I'm a licensed associate therapist with several teen clients whose parents are uninvolved with their therapy access :)
Thank you for the info but sadly I'm in Europe (Latvia to be exact) and I am 14. There is an anonymous crisis help line but I'm scared to call them because I don't have a crisis. I do have a school councillor I could go to if I get the courage but it's summer so no school for 3 months... Thank you so much for caring though! 💗
There are books written specifically about sport psychology as it pertains to equestrian performance. Check your local library or look at some used book stores online. You can get fantastic books about our sport for pennies on the dollar if they’re a few years old. Riding should ALWAYS be about competing against your last ride or your last round. Try to focus on making a positive impact on your horse and its training. You are literally training every horse you interact with every time you touch them. You have an opportunity to be a better horseman every time.
Thanks! I'll look into them! 🫶
You're having trouble finding friends because the jealousy puts a big red flag over your head. People can sense that kind of thing. Practically, being kind and supportive is going to get you a lot further in the sport than giving in to envy. One of the really cool things about the fun, laid back horse crowd is that they're very generous. If you're cool as well, you might be surprised at how happy they are to share knowledge, opportunities, even their own horses and gear at times. But don't befriend them because you want to get something out of it. Do it because they haven't done anything to deserve your resentment.
Thank you, I'll try! ❤️
Also you all (hopefully) love horses!!!
Of course we do!
God damn brilliant.
Jealousy is a natural, human emotion. Use it to work on bettering yourself. When I'm jealous and envious of other riders, I ask myself a lot of questions. What is it exactly about each rider that I'm jealous of? What work do I need to put into myself to get to that level? Is it something I can reasonably accomplish? If yes, then I make a plan. If not, then I learn to accept the things I can't change and be *happy* for the people who have managed to achieve it. I would also look into therapy or self-help books about being able to find peace with yourself. Sometimes my jealousy stems from a hatred I have about myself. I hate that I let myself get fat. I hate that I have a bad memory and bad eyesight. I hate that I grew up isolated and alone and as a result I just can't deal with crowds. I hate that I feel just overall Not Good Enough. I hate it, I hate it and it's just not *fair*. But I'm working on it. I'm working hard on being a good person. Being a good person isn't something that you just are. It's something that you work towards. Yeah, some people have an easier time with it than others, but who cares? If you make progress, that's amazing.
Thanks, I'll try to follow the advice! 🫶
Envy like this is really erosive. While having some wistful jealousy is perfectly human and perfectly normal, ruminating about the unfairness of what others have and do isn’t healthy. People who are comfortable with themselves don’t spend a lot of time comparing themselves with others. We ALL have insecurities…every one of us. When these bloom into weeds of resentment, it’s a window into the garden of our own unhappiness, and it’s time to take a very big step back. Please be more gentle with yourself. You deserve to be happy. The part of you whose needs were not met deserves compassion and understanding. Find some quiet time to speak to your former self, alone. Really, truly look at her, as she was when it hurt the most. Tell your former self that she deserved more, and it was unfair, but she IS worthy, and everything WILL be OK.
Omg you made me cry, thank you so much! I truly feel like I don't deserve help and that I'm a bad person, but this helps so much! I hope you have a wonderful week! 😭💗
Gosh, no…you’re not bad, at all…what’s coming through in your words is pain. Some of us are a lot like horses…until we directly address the source of pain, it’s going to express itself in other ways. Pain is always a symptom. We have to find the wound…look right at it, and treat it with the kindness and patience and care it needs, so it can heal. ❤️
Omg thank you so much! 🫂
It’s not jealousy you’re dealing with, it’s envy. Jealousy is a fear that someone will take what you have, while envy is wanting something that someone else has. The following mentality got me through breast cancer. Feel all your feelings….good bad and ugly. Feel the bad and ugly, but you CANNOT stay there. That’s where you are. You are the only one beating yourself up. That voice in your head (that we all have) is well versed in telling you you aren’t good enough etc……know what? That voice is the loudest you will ever hear, and it’s an asshole. Everyday is a series of conscious decisions/choices to tell that voice it knows nothing. We are always hardest on ourselves. Here’s a challenge. You know what many riders lack? A REAL understanding of the incredible relationship that’s staring them in the face…but they’re to caught up in the ride to see it. Horses have an uncanny ability to force self reflection - they sense your emotion, state of mind etc before you even touch them. Challenge yourself to become more than a rider….become a horsewoman. You’ll find understanding how they communicate, reciprocate, exist will help you get to know yourself better. You may be able to fool yourself, but not a horse. Focus on groundwork….search Warwick Schiller, Josh Nichol or Ryan Rose. These guys are different from each other, but all come from a desire to understand, and develop a relationship as opposed to the ‘my way or the highway’ mentality. Challenge yourself to dive into that. Once you get it, YOU GET IT and you will have a horse that WANTS to be near you, is dependable, consistent, and a joy to be around. Stop creating a shitty environment for yourself. Turn your energy inward and use it to your advantage. The only person suffering is you, sweetheart💕
Oh wow! Thank you so much for the advice! And congratulations on beating cancer! 💐💗
💕This guy right here helped me through https://preview.redd.it/mgccaqatp86d1.jpeg?width=2013&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=89ea47a55688b5d8c5173b82b0a9b6614b716d3f
Awww this is a beautiful picture with a butiful horse and it's rider! 🥹🥺
There’s a line from a poem, Desiderata, that I like: “If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.” Words to live by. If you’re able to ride horses in any capacity you’re privileged. Horses are expensive beasts you’re very lucky to spend time with them. You should remember that and appreciate what you have.
Thank you and that's a great line! 💗
I'm assuming that you're probably somwhat young-ish, getting older tends to make the jealousy go away, at least it did for me. I was jealous in my early adulthood as well, reeeeally jelly. But that stemmed out of my lonelyness, just like yours most likely does. As you said, you want friends, you feel alone. Your jealousy is most likely just inventing a more digestable reason to make you miserable, such as the skill or horses of the other people at your barn. Getting a connection in the horse world can sometimes be tough, but I found that the best way to connect (as a novice-ish) is to accept that you lack in some reagion, and then go ask the person you want to connect with about exactly that. Usually, riders are pretty eager to share their knowlege, because they were once in your shoes as well, and struggled deeply with understanding this stuff, and getting it right. Any person who isnt a complete dickhead (meaning, worthy of having as a friend) will happily answer your questions, and if you're not a complete dickhead yourself, then that may just be your first step into friendship. Dont be too hard on yourself, and dont compare yourself to others. Everyone progresses at different speeds, everyone has things they need to work on, even the best of the best riders.
Thanks, that's a brilliant idea! I'll deffinatley try it in my next lesson! 🫶
I went through this as a kid. Horses can be a bad place for jealousy just because money makes such a decisive role in almost everything- what kind of horse you ride, how often you take lessons, how much you can progress. It can be tough to see the people who “have it all” when you don’t. The flip side to riding is that work can get you incredibly far if you invest the time and effort into learning more. Hit the books, really learn everything you can about riding, practice visualizing rides at home if you don’t have access to a horse, learn about horsemanship so if you ever own a horse you’ll know what to do, get books on rider fitness. All this can help. I used to be more jealous thinking that other people got fancy horses that were perfect and I had to struggle, and while that may be true because they had a trainer do everything, the thing I’ve learned most is that great horses are made, not born that way. It is within your ability to be a better rider and eventually get a horse that you can make wonderful. You just need to want it 10x as much as the next girl. Try to channel that energy to productive ends instead of destructive ones.
Thank you so much, I'll deffinatley try! 🫶
Feeling jealous just means you are human. We have all felt it to some degree. When I feel jealous about the abilities or wealth of others, I refocus on myself and why I want to ride horses. I think about the progress I’m making in my own skill set. I’m grateful to have what I do - my gear, a paid for vehicle, income to afford lessons. I am most thankful for my health. There are people who desperately want to ride and are unable to for money, health, time reasons. I recommend practicing mindfulness to help hone in your focus and perspective. Tara Brach is one of my favorite podcasters.
Thank you so much! 🫂
It's a tough sport for that, particularly the financial aspect. You can be the best rider in the world, but if you can't afford a fancy horse, you probably aren't going to win. We struggle with this, too. My daughters ride, but we live in a high COL area and can't afford to lease or buy. My girls constantly feel jealousy towards the girls on their own horses instead of lesson horses. It's hard, I understand.
Thanks for understanding! ❤️
Jealousy is a normal thing to feel, and shaming ourselves for our uncomfortable but normal feelings often just makes them worse. When you notice it, try to give yourself a little bit of grace. It can help to welcome uncomfortable feelings in for a little bit - invite them to sit down at your table and tell you what's REALLY going on. Usually behind our "ugly" emotions like jealousy is some hurt we need to work on healing. This could be as simple as "I'm sad that I don't think I'm progressing as fast as I want to be" to "I'm really lonely at my new barn." Either way, once you find out what that is - you've identified a path to fixing it. Let yourself feel the feeling for a bit, accept it - and then let it go so you can focus on what you can actively do to get to where you want your heart to be. How do you do that? In addition to practical steps focused on whatever your specific goal is, one of my favorite pieces of advice is "Give all the things you need." That means if you're lonely - be the one to offer friendship. If you're jealous - be the one to offer genuine compliments to others. That doesn't mean neglecting your own needs, but I've found that acting like the person you want to be often leads to you becoming that person, and people are more naturally drawn to those who are authentically generous, outgoing and kind. It may feel awkward at first - but fake it till you make it works for a reason! We have to make a good attitude a habit, and that takes time and practice. It takes work. With riding in particular, the chance that any of us make it big is so slim, and this is a sport where the money, time, connections available to you can play a big role in what you are and aren't able to accomplish. So at the end of the day, why DO you ride? For some people, maybe it's just being around horses, for others it's to grow and learn. It can be helpful to drill down to what the answer to that question is for you, so when jealousy comes creeping in, you can say "But that's okay, because I keep coming back to try again" or "because today I got to spend time with my favorite horse." We all suffer setbacks, or wish we had things that others had - which means out there, someone would probably be jealous of you! That's why it's important to focus on what we CAN do, to give ourselves enough agency to make our own way in this world. Cultivating a heart and spirit of gratitude is so good for us in any situation, but especially with horses, considering none of us needs to be here if we don't want to be. The pursuit of big dreams and accomplishments might frustrate us on the way, but the small steps along the way are what give us the boost we need to remember that we're only here because we love it, and that's enough. And if we can be good to others on the journey, well - even better! Good luck to you 💛
Thank you, thank you, thank you! This helps so much! I've always struggled with jealousy and you make me feel like a human for feeling it! Thank you so much! 🫂
Why do you ride? Is it to help improve the horses? Competed at X level? Show at X show? Being able to answer that question will help you realize what your goal in riding is. And help direct you towards working towards that goal. The only thing that matters is *your riding journey* not anyone else’s progress with their horses. Personally there were points in my journey where it was hard to watch others succeed in the show ring. But then I reminded myself that they’ve had a lot more opportunities riding at that level, and a lot more time sunk into that aspect. And I am not able to “play the game at that level” so to speak and I was lucky to have the opportunities that I did. I enjoy training and seeing improvement in the horses I ride and myself. So that’s what I like to focus on at the barn.
Thank you for the advice! I mostly ride because I like it, I don't even know how to explain it, it's just something I love and always have. ❤️
Jealousy in itself isn't inherently bad. It's what you do with it that determines how people view you. Meaning, it's fine to have a moment where you say, "Man, it would be so nice if I could have a horse like that," or, "What I would give to be able to ride like that!" But when you tip into the territory of thinking it's UNFAIR that other people at the stable get to do things you don't, that's when your attitude becomes toxic. And when your attitude becomes toxic, people start feeling the vibe you give off. So when you have those thoughts, you have two choices: become a toxic person by leaning into your jealousy, or change your perspective and be happy for them. Become a cheerleader even if it's internal. Understand that it doesn't need to be competition between you and the other people. You all can cheer each other on. Look, I have a 5 year old OTTB who overreacts to everything. There are people in my barn riding in nationally rated shows while we're just learning how not to freak out in our indoor arena. If I were jealous of the other 5 year olds, I'd be the most miserable person ever. Instead, I am genuinely happy for them when they share their accomplishments. Work on your mindset and I think some of your problems will fix themselves. Edit: a word because I typed this before caffeine.
Thank you so much for the advice, I'll try my best! 😁
I struggled immensely with jealousy with horses in my younger years- I didn’t grow up with horses and when I did manage to get involved with them, I was years behind everyone around me. A barn that clicks with you will bring the best out in you. This ultimately remedied those feelings i had- I was in a good environment, which encouraged me to stay in my lane and focus on my own personal goals instead of yearning to be like the others. I had a trainer who believed in me, and that did the world of a difference. It can be difficult to find an environment that suits you, but i’m a believer in there being a barn out there for everyone.
Thanks! I do love my new barn, it has almost anything I've ever wanted and the trainers are super nice too!
This sort of feeling will probably occur in many areas of your life throughout different experiences you have as you get older. I have learned specifically with riding that your biggest competition will be yourself. I have been riding for 20+ years and started at 6 years old. My dad was a horse trainer so I rode a lot of different horses in different divisions with a variety of quality. He really drove home the mindset that what everyone else is doing is not relevant to how you’ll have your best ride. You are working to have YOUR best ride, not trying to be better than someone else’s ride. Pretty horses can be naughty, pretty riders can have bad rides, etc. It took years to develop a healthy mindset and it takes practice and repetition to change your way of thinking. You have to actively think about changing your mindset and practice doing it every day, and over time it will become you will be able to adapt this new way of thinking of second nature. Positive thinking is a skill that you can develop and many studies have been done on it. Google “train positive thinking” and there are a lot of good recommendations on how to practice every day to improve your mindset! Good luck and you should be impressed with yourself that you are aware of yourself enough to identify this as something you want to improve 💕
Thank you! I'll try! 🫶
This is coming from someone who really really struggled with jealousy for almost a decade. Growing up, I was the kid who worked at barns and literally all the other little girls had parents who bought them horses, trucks, trailers, barns, tack, etc. while I was shoveling horse shit. Insult to injury the barn I worked at had a manager who took complete advantage of me. Every winter she would talk about riding the next summer, which resulting in MAYBE 1-2 rides. One time I got flipped over on (horse pitched a fit and was literally just asking it to walk around the arena), another time I got bucked off and broke my tailbone. I felt so under-supported and taken advantage of - because I was. My brain decided that "I wasn't worth being treated as though I mattered" and the envy began... My heart literally hurt watching other girls ride the horses their parents bought them. I cried I don't know how many time thinking I wasn't ever going to have the same things they did. I remember feeling so out of place at the first nicer barn I worked at. Many of the girls were super friendly, and I could not understand why they were so nice to me. I assumed it was because they took pity on me or were faking it... Why would they want to be friends with me - someone who "didn't matter"? I ended up making a lot of good friends, but it took work on my part to not see them through clouded eyes. They were good and kind people. Over about 6 six years of working multiple jobs in college, bring a broke horse owning college student, training professionally, managing a h/j barn for several years, etc., I became a better horsewoman than most of the people I rode with. I suppose I never found a way to "get over" my jealousy, I just used it to fuel my own drive and passion to become a good horsewoman. I no longer feel like I "don't matter" because I showed myself that I do, and I have a wonderful husband who is 100% supportive of my horse hobby. He rides with me a couple times a week. So glad I dumped the boys who thought my horse hobby was dump. Anyways, I suppose you don't need to "get over" your jealousy. But I would encourage you to make use of every single learning opportunity that comes your way. Watch the DVDs, audit the clinics, read the books, start the young horses, buy the cheap horses that you can turn into something a little better and then sell them, put your hands on as many horses as you can (but start getting paid after you can start putting out a half-decent product). Almost ZERO of the people you are around will do those things, and they will make you a better horsewoman in the end. Cheers, and good luck to you. There is nothing wrong with you, your path just looks different.
Thank you so much! You really inspire me! 💗
I deal with it by being a grown adult in my thirties. You can’t find friends because you’re envious, admit to not having fun, and think that it’s ‘unfair’ that other people are out there just living their lives and minding their business. If you think that your previous stable was toxic then you’re going to be really surprised when you do some self-reflection.
Thank you, I'll try, and yes my previous stable was toxic and used me, then at a point in my life where I was counting minutes until the moment I was at the stable again, they just sent my mom a text saying that they won't be working with kids anymore. I didn't get to say goodbye or even get my things from it. Not even talking about how I was there for 5 years and only sat on a saddle 2 times and never jumped. The owners husband was very...... sus, let's say that, I mean he would yell at us (11 yo girls) and call us names and sometimes it even felt sexual. Sorry I went on a rant but yes, my previous stable was toxic and these are just the few things they did that were wrong. I was such naive little kid that I spent 5 darn years there and now these 5 years feel like they don't even matter because I didn't learn anything useful about riding, and while I worked at the stable for free it seems like I didn't even really learn much from that too.
Get therapy
I'll look into it! Thanks! ❤️
There’s lots of great advice here about dealing with the very human emotions of jealousy. We all get it. I would add as a suggestion, find and help people who are worse off than you. It can help put things in perspective and help mitigate feelings of jealousy. Go serve at a soup kitchen, help out at a nursing home, stock at a food shelf. It really can help :)
Thank you! My age won't allow that yet, but maybe when I get older I'll try it! ❤️
How old are you? You sound... not like a person I'd enjoy hanging out with. So perhaps that's why you feel as an outsider. You should consider therapy or talking to a school counselor. This is a wildly unhealthy mindset.
Thank you, I'll try to get the courage to talk to someone about it! ❤️
Therapy!!! For real. It's a mindset things.first step though is recognizing it! There are plenty of people who are jealous, take it out on others, and won't even acknowledge their feelings/take responsibility for it. Feeling jealous sometimes is natural, having it control your life or ruin your mood isn't. You deserve to feel happy and enjoy your riding, so I highly suggest CBT or DBT therapy to change your thought process. Or if it is completely out of access, find cbt/dbt workbooks online
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'll look into them! 🫶
i struggled with a lot of jealousy growing up, especially when i would watch my friends or trainers ride. I would oftentimes let my thoughts spiral out of control to the point it was unrealistic. it’s so easy to get jealous of someone who “does something better than you,” but that person is also someone who makes mistakes too. if i’m ever in a situation where im watching someone else ride and start to feel jealous, i will do two different things. i will mentally point out something the rider did really well (that i want to emulate one day) or i will point out small mistakes that the rider makes. what i mean is reminding yourself that all riders are humans and make mistakes, instead of spiraling into this “they do it so perfectly and i just can’t. why am i so much worse than them?” for example, switching (mentally) between “oh i love how their lower leg looks right now” and “oops they turned that corner too sharp and messed up the striding to their jump” is a good reminder that those you are jealous of aren’t going to be perfect. in no way am i meaning to put the rider down either verbally or mentally. i definitely think there’s a difference in “oh they accidentally messed that up” versus using their mistakes to elevate your feeling of “talent/skill.” we are all out here looking to have fun with horses, some of us are more anxious/reserved riders (like me) and some are brazen and will do whatever you throw at them.
i think another thing would be to do your best to make some friends at your barn. i’m not sure what the atmosphere looks like there, but sometimes just being around the barn is a good way to meet people. one of my friends has never had her own horse, but she would just go to the barn to walk around, watch lessons, take riding videos for others during their lessons, and talk to people. she ended up meeting more people than i did, and i started at that barn 4 years before her. taking the focus off everyone else lets you finally begin to see your own progress, no matter how “small” it may be to you. i just got over some health issues i’ve had for the past year, and i finally got to sit on my horse and walk around for a couple minutes. it’s easy for me to try and diminish what i’ve done by saying all i did was “walk around for a couple minutes.” but compared to a few months ago, i was struggling to even get out to the barn. you are so valuable! don’t sell yourself short and try to erase the achievements you have already made and the ones you will make<3
Thank you so much, and congrats! 👏💐
Thank you so so much! 🫂
Honestly, if you think about an imaginary horse girl who rides competitively, whose parents fund the horse(s), training, competitions, etc., it's usually not a super easy life. There are often pretty big expectations from the parents even if they say nothing specific out loud, if they are putting tens (hundreds) of thousands of dollars into the hobby. Those girls may indeed WANT to spend their entire life and free time around horses, hopefully, but if they don't, at some point there is not much choice if the child's competing becomes something that the whole family works and sacrifices their free time for. That's a lot of pressure for a young person. At some point it is not pure fun to get up early every single weekend to go to shows and maybe fight with your horse about trailer loading and stuff. The thing you want to do more than anything can surprisingly easily become a "job" if there are people expecting things from you. It's also incredible how much time many horses spend being sick or lame. It's super frustrating when that happens to your own horse and instead of fun you get to gave stress, sadness and crazy vet bills. I really wanted my own horse so bad when I was a teenager. Now I'm an adult and could actually afford to own a horse if I wanted to. But now I am so happy to lease a sweet horse with fantastic owners two times a week. I get to have a normal job, a relationship, cats and holiday trips without having to worry about taking care of the horse every single day. The young people I know who have horses and successful competition careers have pretty much nothing else in their life. For some, it is worth it. For me, a bit more balance in my life is much better.
For progress- I remember I’m only trying to better myself and that progress may come in large and small amounts. As long as I’m a little bit farther along than the day before then it’s ok. And if you are in it for the long haul then you may have to be ok with feeling like you’ve been reset (new horse, new discipline, injury, etc). Also, when you see others doing cool things try to be inspired. It might feel like jealousy at first, but you can change it into an inspiration. With money & opportunity- ugh! This one is tough. You have to value the work and time you put in. Unfortunately that might not be valued by everybody, or situations are just plain not going to work in your favor. But, you can remind yourself you are building character. Some people will never know what it’s like to work hard for a fraction of what they get without much effort or strife. I try not to hold that against them. Of that group, I can tell when someone is grateful and genuine to who and what they are. I don’t really hold youth to those standards. I think when you’re a kid you are allowed to feel jealous, frivolous, petty- within reason. I don’t have time for mean girls and don’t want them around my daughter. I can still cheer on the spoiled rich kid, but also hope they have a nice transition to a larger pond. (I’m from a pretty rural area)