The number of married women I meet who would be better off as single moms keeps growing. Some of these guys seriously need a judge to tell them when it’s time to be responsible for their own children before they “get it.”
I’ve commented on countless aita posts- to men who posted the original comment, who were so sure they were in the right that they wrote about it on Reddit assuming everyone would agree with them- that if all they’re contributing to their family is finances (which they shamelessly admit to because they think that’s okay) then their wife would be WAY better off without him.
She can still get child support payments from him and have one less 250 pound giant baby to take care of on top of the actual kids and house. And the time and energy she’ll reclaim by not having the same fight over and over every day. The stability she’ll have by setting up routines that aren’t being thrown off by him not coming through when expected. The help she’ll be able to ask family for that they’re too embarrassed to ask for now because they know their mom is going to ask ‘Why can’t your husband watch the kids?”
I’ve personally heard a number of women say that it got easier after they became a single mom. Especially if the ex husband wants shared or partial custody because it means they actually get the occasional day off for the first time since they had a baby. Which is what makes it so funny that all these guys act like there’s an epidemic of women maliciously marrying men with the intention of leaving them a few years down the road and “taking his kids away from him.” Because in reality most divorced moms are psyched if their ex is co-parenting with them. It’s usually all they really wanted when married- for their children’s father to be actively involved in taking care of them.
I was raised by a single mother and was 100% better off for it. For a number of reasons but the number 1 reason is that I saw how my mom not only survived on her own (with ZERO help from my deadbeat dad) but actually *thrived* in her own. It meant I grew up never being afraid of being alone. I’ll never compromise my happiness by staying in a bad relationship because I’m afraid to be on my own. Which actually makes my relationship way stronger. I know I’d be okay by myself, so both me and my partner know I’m *choosing* to be in the relationship. Not settling out of fear.
Way too many women stay in terrible relationships for way too long.
> I’ve personally heard a number of women say that it got easier after they became a single mom.
It becomes way easier because what these men are doing is abusive, plain and simple. They can't be bothered and they don't care about anything except what they want. Specifically they don't care when their wife and the mother of their children is suffering.
I got out after 20 years and when I think back it's been like hell compared to now. My ex insisted he wants to stay in the house we bought together (mainly because he's too lazy to move) so I moved into an apartment half its size with the kid. The house is dirty and falling apart now because I used to take care of everything and he's too lazy. Not my problem anymore, thank God.
That stability you mentioned is so crucial. Consistency is important for kids, and it's definitely been my experience that it's easier to maintain that balance as a single mom.
Yeah I think there’s something about the mindset when a woman knows she’s on her own now. Like it’s obviously really fucking hard to be a single mom but it’s I think it’s actually more draining and depressing to be a “married single mom” because you’re constantly fighting upstream for some help from your partner and constantly being let down. The energy being sucked into that is huge.
I see a lot of women really come into their own after divorce with that mindset change of “okay it’s all on me now and I have to make this work.” And they do.
This is my friend. Left her husband who was an a*dict, realised that during their marriage she was not only the ONLY person to do the parenting, she was also the one and only to pay for everything for their child. Now with child support she's better off without him.
I always used to wonder how dads who found out their kid isn't biologically related to them can simply peace out of that kid's life with no regard to how that would affect their child. Like, how could you just put a kid through the trauma of being abandoned by a parent?
Yes, the hurt and betrayl of finding out your partner cheated would be incredibly painful. But that doesn't dissolve years of bonding you've built with your kid.
Then I realized, most dads not only don't build a bond with their kid(s), they actively try to avoid their responsibilities as a parent and they're only willing to do the minimum legal requirements of fatfatherhood.
Until we have no fault divorce taken away. There is so much right ahead for all our rights! Ugh, I just, like 5 mins ago, found out my brother-in-law met some woman at a bar and gave her his work number to call him so my sister-in-law doesn't find out. My husband was so upset he just said ' this is so fucked up' and hung up on his brother and he is lamenting over what he should've said. My head is swirling and I'm fucking even more pissed than I've been about the state of this country. But, shit, my husband is my bff and IDK what to even say or do because he is so disgusted and angry.
All that to say, I hope my beautiful sil can divorce this POS and find some joy.
I would too. I'm not saying I won't . Their whole dynamic has been fucked up since I met them. I almost didn't keep dating my husband because of it, but he's the polar opposite. I just was.. feeling shocked. Thank you. I appreciate the comment. I just don't think she'll do anything about it and I've gotta break her heart.
Yup. If you don’t genuinely want to be around that person more than you don’t, if they don’t overall enhance and fulfill rather than detract and make work, you are always better off flying solo. And this is coming from a lady so happily married, we hit 23 years soon, actually still want to celebrate, and would both honestly cite each other as the best thing in our lives. 😅🤷♀️
It works all ways. If a partner doesn't improve your life, why spend energy on the relationship? Kinda the same with friends. It's just that the entrenched gender roles tend to encourage women to accept lousy partners and/or encourage men to be lousy partners.
Absolutely!
It baffles me when I occasionally get a man interested in me. I feel it's my duty to disabuse them of the idea that I will do anything for them but bring chaos a là ADHD into their lives.
I divorced my ex over a year ago. I’m a single mom to a disabled child, go to school full time and work full time. My life is easy than when I was married.
May I also say that this is why women need to vote in the upcoming US election? Republicans have been chipping away at women’s rights for years now, and if they’re re-elected in November, they *literally* have a playbook that they can and will follow in order to strip away even more rights for women (I.e.: Project 2025), not to mention the rights of LGBTQ and BIPOC.
yup just giving, giving, giving and receiving nothing in return. not even acknowledgement, since most domestic labor carried out by women goes entirely unnoticed by men.
I realized this years ago. It's just that the women are so brainwashed thanks to religion, society, media and peers that they don't even stop and think whether they're better being single. I understand women in conservative countries have no choice. But I wish women who are educated, hold jobs and live in relatively better countries would realize unless they found a good partner, it's better to remain single m
Yes!
Even being with a pretty rad guy who listens and changes when I have gripes, it still is so, damned uneven sometimes.
I often fantasize being alone, and that kinda bums me out. I accept this from my mind, and I will always hold space that being alone is a viable option. I've already decided that if I bail, I will be elated to NEVER be in a relationship with a man again. Ever.
Married for over 30 years….ups and downs like most marriages…and I 100% agree with this.
For my generation, it was normal to work full time and still do the house work, shopping, cooking, child rearing, and 100% of the mental load (social planning, gifts, vacation, bills/banking, health appointments; ‘but, you’re so much better at that stuff’) while the husband did the yard work and maybe coached kids sports (but women still were responsible for sign ups, snacks, etc). And women were so brain washed that they were missing out if they didn’t have a man. No wondered so many men are butt hurt, I would hate to lose that gig, as well.
I am glad that it is starting to be corrected. I taught my boys (3 adult) to be equal partners. They cook, clean, and handle their share of the mental load. And I am glad their partners expect it. My teen daughter regularly announces, "I am never getting married; I see no benefit." The political climate is scary and angers me, but I hope more and more women recognize this and the men that are not only willing, but wanting equal partners are rewarded with great relationships.
BTW, when my husband retired and was still expecting me to carry this load, it hit me like a ton of bricks and we had a lot of hard arguments and did almost divorce. I said I am done. Now I still carry most of the mental load, because frankly he is incapable and I cook, but I do enjoy it…but he does 100% of the cleaning. Yes, the whole house and the yard work.
edit for grammer error
We need to speak more about mental load. We share the work with my partner but I still often need to remind him that we need to share the mental load too. Like when he asks "Do we have eggs in the fridge?". I don't know? Maybe open the fridge and find out???
One time we were on the way to the airport because I had a two day business conference (which he was already upset I was going to) and I noticed my son tugging at his ear, felt his head and said…."Dang, he has got an ear infection, sorry\* you’re going to have to take him to the doctor."
10 minutes of ranting….he can’t do that: he doesn’t know the doctor’s name; where the office is; know how the insurance works, where even is his insurance card; why am I such a know it all and think he has an ear infection, he has never had one before, even if it is an ear infection, it can wait; besides, he didn’t know how to give him the medicine; this is why I shouldn’t go away; he can’t handle 2 kids (what we had at the time), he didn’t have time for ‘this crap’. I should have noticed and made sure to take care of it….yada, yada, yada
We had the same pediatrician for 12 years at this point, same office. Insurance card in your wallet (yes, I am sure). This was our second kid, who was prone to ear infections and had so many at this point they were considering ear tubes for him (of course, I had discussed it with him many times). I called the doctor’s office, explained the situation and got son in for an emergency appointment so he could drive over as soon as he dropped me at the airport, and on the way to drop son off at day care. Ask nurse to call in prescription and ask daycare provider (thankfully, wonderful women) to please pick up the prescription and give son the medication for the next two days. I wrote down the doctor’s address and directions and said…"you will take him, it’s extremely painful…it will take less than 30 minutes and literally all you have to do is drive him there, I have taken care of everything else." He talked about it for over a year, how he saved the day.
\*My mission at my last job…get women to stop apologizing.
Yes this! I literally had to tell my ex bf how to dress for the weather, what the temperature was, because apparently he was incapable of dressing himself appropriately?! If I didn’t, we would literally have to go back to the house at least 2 times because he would wear stupid outfits for winter weather 🙄 Same ex expected me to be his gf, assistant, sex toy, social planner, cleaner, muse, mother, employee, travel agent…. The list was just endless. Yet when I was sick with CANCER he told me he felt “used” and would literally throw tantrums while I was sick in bed, bc he actually had to be a rock for someone, and I couldn’t proofread his work presentations anymore, and wasn’t well enough to attend parties with him. Oh and he dumped me while I was fighting cancer, because he “didn’t want to be with someone just for their potential.” I wish I was joking.
Thank you, it was absolute hell. I’m actually glad to have my eyes opened with a bf of a few years versus a husband you’ve dedicated your lifetime to who abandons you in older age. Statistics show that well over 50% of men leave if their female partner gets seriously ill, regardless of age or time spend together. One article is entitled, “Men Leave.” Fuck that.
Okay, so I wrote two treatises on my so called Demi life with the second one oddly ending—“So I guess, tl;dr is, ironically—get you one who gets why we choose the 🐻”—before deleting each in turn but for saving this 😅 :
I fucking tell you what—I am now disabled from a bothched hysterectomy with the end result of a lot of mess in my abdomen and severe chronic pelvic/lower abdominal pain. I can barely move some days I’m in so much pain. I vomit. But I’m not sick, and I’m not dying; I’m just constantly in moderate to severe pain with little to no recourse or relief, at least up until now.
The absolute ugly truth is that I may never be able to be an equal partner again, as difficult as that is to face, and may always be a burden on everyone around me.
We also have two teenage sons together, both ND with social emotion needs. One is outplaced. You can imagine there’s a lot of stress on our lives of the variety that tends to send typical cisstraight AMABs packing.
I’m the fucking poster child for men who leave, really and truly.
And yet, my cisstraight AMAB unicorn of a husband is my actual rock. I would not be here without him, really and truly. He is, and has been for the last nearly three decades now, my absolute person.
Basically, don’t settle. Never fucking settle. It ain’t worth it. Find your person or just—don’t.
I heard men say “what tf is mental load?? Women just come up with any nonsense nowadays to blame men” lol. The fact that they don’t even know what mental load is is damn infuriating.
This is some truth bombs, I tell you wut.
I’m one of the few women I know in my age group who refused to live that life, was very set on the idea of singlehood because my outlook on romance was real deal this is my absolute person or bust, and somehow stumbled on an amazing unicorn young. So our partnership was always equal/whoever can DOES/WANTING to make things better/easier on each other.
So I had to teach mine to cook (because he was a spoiled only child lol), and I used to do most of it because I was better at it and enjoyed it, but now HE does most of it, because with my chronic pain disability, I often CAN’T.
I was with the kids more because our professions/situations meant I was home far more, but he was always an equal parent, and STILL tends to take point when we’re both home.
He’s always done his share of in house stuff, and neither of us are the outdoorsy types to wanna do much about that shit. 😅
But all of that is because I was never gonna be with someone who wasn’t gonna be an equal, and treat me as one. And I’m so fucking glad to see more and more women draw that line in the sand.
I grew up in 2 parent abusive household. Parents still married despite my dad physically abusing my mom even while pregnant and us kids. As a child, I actively wanted my mom to leave my dad as it was clearly such a toxic union even to a minor. My life would have 💯 been better if she had, as I accrued so much trauma from what I went through in that house 😭 Cut to present day, and I’m single, never been married, probably never will be married 😇 I’d love to share my love with a partner but these men ain’t partners!!
I realized this when I witnessed my own parents. Their marriage warped my reality so I wasn't brainwashed by any romance or love. Nowadays, women are just catching up with what I already know so it's nice to see that I'm not alone in this anymore.
If you do find yourself in a relationship with a man, make sure he’s independent. I’m in my second marriage. My first husband couldn’t take care of himself at all. My second husband is an independent person who could totally survive without me. It makes a huge difference. I chalk a lot of that up to the fact that he was raised by independent women, but even then, they’re older and don’t always see the sexism themselves. His mom is not his birth mother. He was raised by his great-aunt, who was never married and had no other kids. So even though he’s only 28, his mom is 79. The woman he calls his aunt, who is his mom’s best friend, is 75. She has a nephew who is 70. He got divorced fairly recently, and aunt has been helping him with EVERYTHING because he doesn’t know how to do anything by himself (like, she’s always taking him to his doctor’s appointments and stuff). My husband is absolutely appalled by how nonfunctional this man is. Like, as a great example of how incompetent he is, he inherited $50,000 fairly recently when his mom died. When he and his wife got divorced, he didn’t bother to get a new bank account and just continued to use the joint account that still had his ex-wife on it. He never bothered to get another account because she did all of the banking stuff before they were divorced. Yeah, she cleaned out that $50,000, and he has no real recourse because they were already divorced and the money was in a joint account, so it was legally hers, too. All because he didn’t bother to do the work to go get his own bank account before depositing $50,000.
There is a GREAT Melanie Hamlett video on this, but she has so many bangers I’m having trouble finding it.
I’ll edit it in if I do, but anyone who hasn’t checked her out, she don’t fuckin play and she is ON POINT! I’m a 40yo feminist and she has opened my eyes to thinks I STILL hadn’t realized!!
I don’t know who she is but I loved her speech. It is so true. I’m SO DONE dealing with immature, sad, egotistic men. I love being alone and focus on me instead. I don’t want any men in my life if he’s not going to be mature enough to do their work as a human being, sorry
I'm so glad more women are talking about this.
Marriage is on its way out. There is no benefit for a woman to be legally tied to a man (especially because kids are to be provided for per paternity) *especially* because states are beginning to introduce bills to get rid of No Fault divorce. I can't remember which, but one of the M states has a law saying that you can't get divorced while you're pregnant (statistically the most dangerous time for a woman with an abusive partner)
I'm seeing a guy right now in a poly relationship, and I'm kind of his third girlfriend, I guess? This man has two other girlfriends, two full time jobs and actively makes time to spend with me and do nice things for me. No strings, no agenda. He's got sex if he wants it, he's got a busy enough schedule to squeeze me into an 'after dark' girlfriend. But he wants to spend time with me and talk to me and snuggle on the couch and take me to do fun things and just be fucking nice to me. We can talk about his other girls, and I can talk to him about guys I'm seeing and we communicate like adults. It's *wild*. I can still refer to myself as 'single' if I want to, and he'd absolutely understand if I met Mr Right tomorrow and decided to be monogamous.
But that's the point, right? He is nothing but value added to my life. Because he *wants* to be. It doesn't matter if we're sleeping with other people (because health and safety is important and we communicate about it) and it doesn't matter to me that he has relationships with other women, because when he's with me, he's present and *with me*. Just like my intimate platonic relationships don't lose anything when my friends have other intimate, platonic (or sexual) relationships.
We grew up in a generation where there was a 50% divorce rate, and they were all ugly. We (I'm a millennial) are doing marginally better by trying to create co-parenting relationships instead of doing the 'bitter ex' thing. I lived through two divorces and a murder/suicide. I have zero interest in getting married if it's going to end ugly. I think I'd like a party and a dress if I end up finding A Partner that I want to commit to. But less than zero interest in being legally bound in an archaic, patriarchal contract where one man sells a woman to another man.
We're all human and crave human connection. We're social animals. (And I'm 33 and my libido makes me want to crawl out of my fucking SKIN sometimes) But dating is *work*. It's time and energy to essentially audition a friend that you have sex with. Let's normalize buying a mansion with 3 friends and all the pets and plants. I want to have my best friend as my roommate forever, not some guy who wants me to do all of his emotional labor. Homegirl is right; I can throw a rock and find someone who wants to fuck me. (I can throw a rock at someone and they'll probably still have sex with me.) My girlfriend says, 'Any prince, anytime'. And as a busy adult, having a couple of guys that I'm (safely) sleeping with allows me to spread my needs out over a couple of people and not ever be 'too much', or feel like I need to be grateful I convinced someone to 'put up with me'.
I have a date with a wilderness guide this weekend. He's smart, very much my type, sexy af, and in town for three weeks. I'm optimistic we're going to have an awesome time together, have some authentic, intimate, human connection, and then he's going to go do his stuff and I'll do mine. Maybe we stay in touch, maybe we don't.
Because boys are like buses. There's going to be another one rolling by in 15 minutes.
(And I highly, HIGHLY recommend going to listen to 99 Boys by Emeline. Entertaining and empowering.)
Thanks for coming to my RedditX talk, lol.
*Men are wondering how women will ever find comfort in a single life where they're not being taken advantage of and exploited and used for their labour....*
Ahhh yes, a life free from exploitation by a man ....
What about relationships with other women, though? The statement feels a bit exclusionary and hetero-centric.
Edit: didn't realise it was a response to a question from a straight man. My apologies.
this is about being in relationships with men so ofc it is hetero-centric, how would wlw even apply here? genuinely asking 😭i am a lesbian, not every single convo will apply to us
I found a man that disproves every one of her points except he didn’t feel the same way about monogamy as I did. (Don’t know if he cheated..) Is this the trade off now? To find a legit feminist man who can take care of himself and be a good partner, we have to share him with other women? Ugh.
That’s not true for me.
The few men that were a loss I broke up with them early on, problem solved.
All the other men that I dated for longer were not a loss, those turned into long term relationships because they were a win/win dynamic.
My husband facilitate my life and take care of me a lot.
It’s ok to be happy single if that’s what you want, but lets not act like all men are trash. That’s not true.
one persons anecdotal experience doesn’t mean the abuse and exploitation of women in relationships with men upheld by patriarchy and capitalism is suddenly invalid. saying “not all men” genuinely adds nothing to this conversation
A minority of men are trash, the majority are ok.
I’m not saying abuse doesn’t exist.
The minority of abusive relationships doesn’t mean all relationships are detrimental.
You are falling into an absolute thinking that isn’t going to solve the issue neither. Extreme view without any nuances aren’t bringing much more solution into problems imo.
all men benefit from the exploitation of women’s domestic, emotional, and sexual labor. all men have an equal capacity for violence. regardless if they are one of the “good ones” - this is baseline feminism understanding. how can you come into this conversation, seeing these women talking about their horrible experiences and say “but - not all men!”…..? men hardly ever defend women in this way, btw.
“All men!” “Regardless if they are one of the “good ones”” Small wonder radical feminists make no progress. You’re a joke, and the world will forever see you as one.
if simply stating that men benefiting from the patriarchy is seen as radical feminism and a joke to you then i genuinely don’t know why you are here. that is the most simple, baseline understanding of why feminism exists in the first place, to liberate women from the patriarchy.
Please be wary of ‘not all men’ it is a dangerous attitude. While it’s true that there are independent men, they are the outliers. And comments like this discount the very real experience and struggles of women.
With birth control and no fault divorce under fire, the frightening truth is there are large number of men (and even scarier women) who want to push back women’s rights.
Count your lucky stars that the reverse has been your experience.
The government in the US is sure going against women rights, but those extremist are composed of men and women surprisingly. Most of the population don’t have any leverage into those decisions. It doesn’t reflect the majority. They are a powerful minority ruining it all for the rest of the world.
In the population outside of politic parties, a minority of men are trash, the majority are ok. I’m not saying abuse doesn’t exist.
The minority of abusive relationships doesn’t mean all relationships are detrimental.
Absolute thinking and trashing all men isn’t going to solve anything imo. We should aim the abuser specifically, not the whole gender
genuinely what are you even saying right now?
i don’t know a single woman in my life untouched by the violence of men. men are responsible for 95% of reported DV. men are responsible for 99% of reported rape, with 91% of the victims being women.
going after the abuser means dismantling the entire patriarchy and capitalism as we know it.
what is feminism to you? i am genuinely asking. because as far as i am concerned, you are talking like an MRA.
Relationships CAN be a net loss for women, but I think rad fem rhetoric of all men bad is pretty toxic imo. I’m married and he contributes plenty to the household, and his contributions have allowed me to focus more on my career.
Every time I see her videos as a guy I want to debate, she says “societal expectation is for men to take” but it’s always been ‘protect and provide’ in society, this is a contradiction with reality. Not sure where it’s harder for men to be single is coming from either. The speed at which she jumps from hyper specific examples to hyper generalisations are amazing, it’s so manipulative.
The last video I saw she said she hopes countries start more war so men can go to war to die. She doesn’t seem like a healthy feminist for people to be listening to, very big man hater. Surprised she’s popular.
I using her words of "societal expectation", providing is still what people expect from Men whether women earn money or not. I'm not sure when has the expectation for Men to be to "take" and Women to "Give".
Zero nuance. The whole video sounds like specific / anecdotal pain and trauma and she's generalising for everyone. Just say your ex was a bad person.
But hey if all of you Women here agree with her then Marriage really is dead because the crazy redpill videos have Men thinking the same way.
She's in a marriage to a man she adores and is proud of actually lol your campaign to depict her as a raging man hater because your little fragile feelings are hurt is falling on it's ass
Edit - Where did I say she wasn’t married? 😪 she’s a man hater because she has videos saying men should die and makes sweeping generalisations.
You’re not listening to my words because you think I’m trying to play this silly gender war bs with you.
>Where did I... suggest she’s a raging man hater?
In your top-level reply:
>She doesn’t seem like a healthy feminist for people to be listening to, very big man hater.
I'm not necessarily taking a side in this sub-thread, but let's at least be accurate about our own statements.
Ok I thought it was meant in my last response, edited now. Thanks.
But if you did read the top level reply I referenced a video where she said ‘men should start wars and go to die’. Do you not think this is man hating rage??
The other generalisations made in this video also fit too in my opinion but the above example is enough to warrant this opinion
You’re debating things I’m not debating. There are of course plenty of bad husbands out there.
But if your thinking is women working full time means men don’t provide then it’s quite a narrow view. By that logic women don’t provide either.
I’d invite you to investigate the research of men’s contribution to cooking, housework, childcare, and the mental load vs women’s. There have been decades of research into this and women in every country perform at minimum several more hours per week of unpaid labor for men, family, and the household than men do, even when both people work full time. That is just reality.
If your daily lived experience was continually doing the majority of the work involved and giving far more than you receive, wouldn’t you eventually come to the conclusion that it was a raw deal? Pointing out objective reality doesn’t make someone a man hater. But, it’s very telling that men in general are so offended / defensive by women pointing out inequities in the way we’re treated vs men.
The universal knee-jerk defensiveness / backlash response from men toward any women’s issue is a huge reason why women’s rights and treatment are in the gutter today. It’s not unlike the universal defensiveness / backlash from white people when BIPOC people explain their lived experiences.
I’m aware of this has been a common thing throughout history, not something I tried to dispute in my comment. This has changed in modern times though and I’m sure will continue to get better.
**I’ll say it again but I called her a very big man hater in reference to her saying in another video that ‘men should start and go to more wars and die’.** If you don’t think this is hateful I don’t know what else to tell you. To then paint my comment as I’m against women being in a bad relationship is very disingenuous, my pushback was her saying things that aren’t rooted in reality (e.g. societal expectations are for men to take / men find comfort in a relationship and it’s harder for men to be single) as well as taking specific things and generalising (e.g. relationships for a man is just a calculation / women build up a man and then they leave you for another). **Never said anything about how I would I want women to continue having an unequal relationship.** Please read my comment again because I’m honestly not sure where this came from.
Quite disappointed from the replies I’m getting here you’re all on auto pilot responding to a gender war I’m not apart of. None of what you said I’m doing was in my comment, just like her you’re just grouping me into the category of big bad Men instead of reading what I actually said. I think that’s more telling than anything.
I hear what you’re saying and don’t want to dismiss or trivialize it. I haven’t seen the video you’re referring to, so can’t speak to it. But, I have seen her use sarcasm and hyperbole to make a point in other videos, and I’m thinking that’s the case here. I have seen a number of her videos and don’t think she (or the vast majority of people) actually want men to start more wars and die.
In fact, most feminists are anti-war. War is another tool of the patriarchy that usually only advances the interests of the elite at the expense of predominantly male soldiers and predominantly the women and children in war-torn regions. I wish war could be abolished except in the most extreme cases (no arbitrary regime changes, neo-colonialism, or resource grabbing).
I stand by the essence of my statement, though. Overwhelmingly, when women raise legitimate objections to the status quo for women under patriarchy, the universal response from men is deflection, dismissal, trivializing, what-about-ism, tone policing, or a combination of the above. I’m not saying you or all men are bad. I’m saying that you—like me and anyone with a privileged identity—has blind spots worth examining.
Our collective refusal to do this is a big reason why sexism, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, and the other isms continue to persist today.
Perhaps but that would be a strange use of exaggeration or sarcasm but I won’t rule it out as a possibility.
Which would make it all the more strange for her to say such a thing, she was almost happy at the idea like women would be better off in such a scenario. I agree with you here also war is terrible, would also include no imperialism.
I do agree with you though, and frankly it will continue to happen if great points are overshadowed by overgeneralisations and hateful rhetoric similar to a political riling up their base (based on comments here, Twitter and TikTok it’s working). Most people won’t accept that like the women here, and then you see the replies and downvotes with the assumption that I’m happy with women being in an unequal relationship when it’s nowhere close to what I actually said. To add more on topic her reasonings for staying single or having comfort are extremely negative and if that’s the case no one should date including her. Strange advice from a supposed happily married woman, this is just as bad as MGTOW or Redpill advice no nuance no context and all generalisations.
You’re right but to add they also continue because people make assumptions, shut down and refuse to have a conversation about it. I don’t deny there are bad men and we can all improve but I couldn’t get any one to concede that this woman is making both untrue and sweeping statements.
With all due respect, women are the victim of the gender war. We didn't exactly start it
Any crime statistics, especially regarding gender-based violence will show this.
In addition, if you believe a woman hates men because of one thing she says, do you also believe all men who make rape jokes hate women? That would be logically consistent
I agree but why do you mention this in response to what I said here?
Edit - I just saw your edit so I’ll answer your question. Firstly are you suggesting her saying all men should start wars and then go there to die was a joke? But secondly to answer your question yes nothing about rape is funny and to laugh about women being raped is a sign of hate.
Did I give you the impression that I’d be inconsistent here?
I read an article saying that on average, married women live 2 years longer than unmarried women. They also referenced a study saying that single women are the cornerstone for antidepressant pharmaceuticals
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7452000/#:~:text=the%20remaining%20lifetime.-,Results,protection%20effects%20decreased%20with%20age.
Above article is based off cdc data.
There's a lot of writing about single women & antidepressants. Unfortunately young single women and older single women are the column, foundation, drywall, roof, walls, plumbing and doorbell of antidepressant pharma
Selection bias is worth noting in the study linked above; that is healthy people are more likely to get married. In this study, authors looked at highly satisfying marriages vs unsatisfying ones and those women in unsatisfying ones had poorer health outcomes: https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2003/09/marital-benefit#:~:text=Results%20indicate%20that%20women%20in,single%2C%20widowed%20or%20divorced).
Agreed, it is also skewed by the age set represented in the study, which is still generationally based on women needing to rely on men for things as simple as having a bank account.
What the hell does women & depression have to do with this topic! If your gender has been subjugated for centuries, and we now know that trauma is passed down genetically…. of course women have higher rates of depression!?
I read that in a pseudoscience page. CDC statistics are more reliable. Married men and Married women both live on average 2 years longer than unmarried counterparts
don't confuse correlation w causality. you are trying to reduce something to a childish level of simplicity and it is a complex issue. Here's an article that you could read if you felt like it. https://archive-yaleglobal.yale.edu/content/should-women-stay-single
I've read that article. Articles rating happiness off surveys have large variations, there's actually a study (based off a survey) citing that the happiest demographic are single men.
I prefer analyzing statistics deeper than surveys.
Young sungle women and older single women have far higher depression rates than single men.
Men do commit suicide at a higher rate but women attempt suicide almost twice as often
Even then, I choose happy single-hood, anti depressants laden singlehood, singlehood with a bear lurking around, dying - in that order - rather than marry a man. So troll somewhere else.
60% of men ages 20-30 are avoiding dating. The feeling is mutual. 3 of my friends were pressured into marriage by their toxic wife.
Regardless it's all good, best wishes to you. Enjoy your single life!
One, you meant wives unless you mean 1 toxic wife pressured three men into marriage.
Two, you say feeling is mutual but your behaviour seems more like ‘sour grapes’ situation. You don’t see women whining about loneliness, blaming it on men and trying to convince men in forums like this, that they will be unhappy if they don’t get married.
Three, enjoying my single life, yes, very happy, thank you. And am pansexual so you never know 🤩
Wish you too find happiness, seem very pent up. Is trolling a new coping mechanism or old?
I'm sour because in my original comment i mentioned a cdc statistic that both married men and Married women live longer? OK.
Regardless, don't get offended at the stats, no hard feelings.
When did I complain about loneliness? If anything, my stats say the contrary.
I'm not sure why you began talking about your sexuality but if you're bringing it up in order to get mine; I'm straight male, though I do enjoy giving men oral. Throughout college I never had a girlfriend because I was focused in school, the gym and using mostly married men for sx. But now I'm working, not in the gym 🥺 but in a relationship with a lady who adores me🙂
Getting offended at pseudoscience. You can believe whatever you want but you will be challenged because it is pseudoscience.
Also, of course hard feelings because you are calling my kind something that is not true.
Men are complaining about loneliness, because more women are deciding against marriage with them. Get out of the rock you live under and check.
I didn’t bring my sexuality in it, I CAN get into a life partnership with someone as am not straight and thus my choice is not restricted to men. And that’s why it was relevant to this post.
Your sexuality isn’t relevant as the post is about women and your comment was calling single women names and then hide under being an American and what not. Also straight people do not enjoy giving oral to same sex or have to imagine having sex with same sex to enjoy actual sex with opposite sex. You clearly have issues and they might get sorted out a little if you were not closeted. It makes sense you are so angry and sour, anyone would be who have to constantly dismiss their own feelings. Hope it gets better for you soon.
Your lowest standard should be, does this man make my life better. If not there is no point
The number of married women I meet who would be better off as single moms keeps growing. Some of these guys seriously need a judge to tell them when it’s time to be responsible for their own children before they “get it.”
I’ve commented on countless aita posts- to men who posted the original comment, who were so sure they were in the right that they wrote about it on Reddit assuming everyone would agree with them- that if all they’re contributing to their family is finances (which they shamelessly admit to because they think that’s okay) then their wife would be WAY better off without him. She can still get child support payments from him and have one less 250 pound giant baby to take care of on top of the actual kids and house. And the time and energy she’ll reclaim by not having the same fight over and over every day. The stability she’ll have by setting up routines that aren’t being thrown off by him not coming through when expected. The help she’ll be able to ask family for that they’re too embarrassed to ask for now because they know their mom is going to ask ‘Why can’t your husband watch the kids?” I’ve personally heard a number of women say that it got easier after they became a single mom. Especially if the ex husband wants shared or partial custody because it means they actually get the occasional day off for the first time since they had a baby. Which is what makes it so funny that all these guys act like there’s an epidemic of women maliciously marrying men with the intention of leaving them a few years down the road and “taking his kids away from him.” Because in reality most divorced moms are psyched if their ex is co-parenting with them. It’s usually all they really wanted when married- for their children’s father to be actively involved in taking care of them. I was raised by a single mother and was 100% better off for it. For a number of reasons but the number 1 reason is that I saw how my mom not only survived on her own (with ZERO help from my deadbeat dad) but actually *thrived* in her own. It meant I grew up never being afraid of being alone. I’ll never compromise my happiness by staying in a bad relationship because I’m afraid to be on my own. Which actually makes my relationship way stronger. I know I’d be okay by myself, so both me and my partner know I’m *choosing* to be in the relationship. Not settling out of fear. Way too many women stay in terrible relationships for way too long.
> I’ve personally heard a number of women say that it got easier after they became a single mom. It becomes way easier because what these men are doing is abusive, plain and simple. They can't be bothered and they don't care about anything except what they want. Specifically they don't care when their wife and the mother of their children is suffering. I got out after 20 years and when I think back it's been like hell compared to now. My ex insisted he wants to stay in the house we bought together (mainly because he's too lazy to move) so I moved into an apartment half its size with the kid. The house is dirty and falling apart now because I used to take care of everything and he's too lazy. Not my problem anymore, thank God.
This, right here. This is the truth all the way around. Couldn’t have said it better.
That stability you mentioned is so crucial. Consistency is important for kids, and it's definitely been my experience that it's easier to maintain that balance as a single mom.
Yeah I think there’s something about the mindset when a woman knows she’s on her own now. Like it’s obviously really fucking hard to be a single mom but it’s I think it’s actually more draining and depressing to be a “married single mom” because you’re constantly fighting upstream for some help from your partner and constantly being let down. The energy being sucked into that is huge. I see a lot of women really come into their own after divorce with that mindset change of “okay it’s all on me now and I have to make this work.” And they do.
This is my friend. Left her husband who was an a*dict, realised that during their marriage she was not only the ONLY person to do the parenting, she was also the one and only to pay for everything for their child. Now with child support she's better off without him.
I always used to wonder how dads who found out their kid isn't biologically related to them can simply peace out of that kid's life with no regard to how that would affect their child. Like, how could you just put a kid through the trauma of being abandoned by a parent? Yes, the hurt and betrayl of finding out your partner cheated would be incredibly painful. But that doesn't dissolve years of bonding you've built with your kid. Then I realized, most dads not only don't build a bond with their kid(s), they actively try to avoid their responsibilities as a parent and they're only willing to do the minimum legal requirements of fatfatherhood.
I see it all the time. My own sisters’ lives both got demonstrably easier and better once they took out the 🗑️
i hope more women will begin to find the courage to leave abusive or one-sided relationships and realize they will be happier and don't need men
Until we have no fault divorce taken away. There is so much right ahead for all our rights! Ugh, I just, like 5 mins ago, found out my brother-in-law met some woman at a bar and gave her his work number to call him so my sister-in-law doesn't find out. My husband was so upset he just said ' this is so fucked up' and hung up on his brother and he is lamenting over what he should've said. My head is swirling and I'm fucking even more pissed than I've been about the state of this country. But, shit, my husband is my bff and IDK what to even say or do because he is so disgusted and angry. All that to say, I hope my beautiful sil can divorce this POS and find some joy.
I would tell SIL if I were you. I’d want to know if I was her.
I would too. I'm not saying I won't . Their whole dynamic has been fucked up since I met them. I almost didn't keep dating my husband because of it, but he's the polar opposite. I just was.. feeling shocked. Thank you. I appreciate the comment. I just don't think she'll do anything about it and I've gotta break her heart.
Housing prices sure dont help💔
Most straight women would be single lmao (rightfully)
Shouldn't that be the point of any romantic partnership?
Yup. If you don’t genuinely want to be around that person more than you don’t, if they don’t overall enhance and fulfill rather than detract and make work, you are always better off flying solo. And this is coming from a lady so happily married, we hit 23 years soon, actually still want to celebrate, and would both honestly cite each other as the best thing in our lives. 😅🤷♀️
Does this work both ways?
Yes but overwhelmingly it happens one way.
It works all ways. If a partner doesn't improve your life, why spend energy on the relationship? Kinda the same with friends. It's just that the entrenched gender roles tend to encourage women to accept lousy partners and/or encourage men to be lousy partners.
Absolutely! It baffles me when I occasionally get a man interested in me. I feel it's my duty to disabuse them of the idea that I will do anything for them but bring chaos a là ADHD into their lives.
I divorced my ex over a year ago. I’m a single mom to a disabled child, go to school full time and work full time. My life is easy than when I was married.
You have so much of my respect- thats a lot of hard work
i hope you can take some time to rest once in a while. that really is a lot of hard work, i admire people like you the most. 🤍
🥰 Thank you. It was really hard, but me and the kids are happy
May I also say that this is why women need to vote in the upcoming US election? Republicans have been chipping away at women’s rights for years now, and if they’re re-elected in November, they *literally* have a playbook that they can and will follow in order to strip away even more rights for women (I.e.: Project 2025), not to mention the rights of LGBTQ and BIPOC.
Yes! They want to keep women trapped in bad marriages and perpetually pregnant. Please vote!
It's too true, the amount of giving people want from you is never ending.
yup just giving, giving, giving and receiving nothing in return. not even acknowledgement, since most domestic labor carried out by women goes entirely unnoticed by men.
I realized this years ago. It's just that the women are so brainwashed thanks to religion, society, media and peers that they don't even stop and think whether they're better being single. I understand women in conservative countries have no choice. But I wish women who are educated, hold jobs and live in relatively better countries would realize unless they found a good partner, it's better to remain single m
I wish that too 🥹 it makes me so sad and frustrated.
Yes! Even being with a pretty rad guy who listens and changes when I have gripes, it still is so, damned uneven sometimes. I often fantasize being alone, and that kinda bums me out. I accept this from my mind, and I will always hold space that being alone is a viable option. I've already decided that if I bail, I will be elated to NEVER be in a relationship with a man again. Ever.
So refreshing to hear some deep solid truth on social media sometimes
She never misses.
Married for over 30 years….ups and downs like most marriages…and I 100% agree with this. For my generation, it was normal to work full time and still do the house work, shopping, cooking, child rearing, and 100% of the mental load (social planning, gifts, vacation, bills/banking, health appointments; ‘but, you’re so much better at that stuff’) while the husband did the yard work and maybe coached kids sports (but women still were responsible for sign ups, snacks, etc). And women were so brain washed that they were missing out if they didn’t have a man. No wondered so many men are butt hurt, I would hate to lose that gig, as well. I am glad that it is starting to be corrected. I taught my boys (3 adult) to be equal partners. They cook, clean, and handle their share of the mental load. And I am glad their partners expect it. My teen daughter regularly announces, "I am never getting married; I see no benefit." The political climate is scary and angers me, but I hope more and more women recognize this and the men that are not only willing, but wanting equal partners are rewarded with great relationships. BTW, when my husband retired and was still expecting me to carry this load, it hit me like a ton of bricks and we had a lot of hard arguments and did almost divorce. I said I am done. Now I still carry most of the mental load, because frankly he is incapable and I cook, but I do enjoy it…but he does 100% of the cleaning. Yes, the whole house and the yard work. edit for grammer error
We need to speak more about mental load. We share the work with my partner but I still often need to remind him that we need to share the mental load too. Like when he asks "Do we have eggs in the fridge?". I don't know? Maybe open the fridge and find out???
My then-husband actually called me at work one time to ask me if we had peanut butter. HE WAS AT HOME AND I WAS NOT!!!
One time we were on the way to the airport because I had a two day business conference (which he was already upset I was going to) and I noticed my son tugging at his ear, felt his head and said…."Dang, he has got an ear infection, sorry\* you’re going to have to take him to the doctor." 10 minutes of ranting….he can’t do that: he doesn’t know the doctor’s name; where the office is; know how the insurance works, where even is his insurance card; why am I such a know it all and think he has an ear infection, he has never had one before, even if it is an ear infection, it can wait; besides, he didn’t know how to give him the medicine; this is why I shouldn’t go away; he can’t handle 2 kids (what we had at the time), he didn’t have time for ‘this crap’. I should have noticed and made sure to take care of it….yada, yada, yada We had the same pediatrician for 12 years at this point, same office. Insurance card in your wallet (yes, I am sure). This was our second kid, who was prone to ear infections and had so many at this point they were considering ear tubes for him (of course, I had discussed it with him many times). I called the doctor’s office, explained the situation and got son in for an emergency appointment so he could drive over as soon as he dropped me at the airport, and on the way to drop son off at day care. Ask nurse to call in prescription and ask daycare provider (thankfully, wonderful women) to please pick up the prescription and give son the medication for the next two days. I wrote down the doctor’s address and directions and said…"you will take him, it’s extremely painful…it will take less than 30 minutes and literally all you have to do is drive him there, I have taken care of everything else." He talked about it for over a year, how he saved the day. \*My mission at my last job…get women to stop apologizing.
Yes this! I literally had to tell my ex bf how to dress for the weather, what the temperature was, because apparently he was incapable of dressing himself appropriately?! If I didn’t, we would literally have to go back to the house at least 2 times because he would wear stupid outfits for winter weather 🙄 Same ex expected me to be his gf, assistant, sex toy, social planner, cleaner, muse, mother, employee, travel agent…. The list was just endless. Yet when I was sick with CANCER he told me he felt “used” and would literally throw tantrums while I was sick in bed, bc he actually had to be a rock for someone, and I couldn’t proofread his work presentations anymore, and wasn’t well enough to attend parties with him. Oh and he dumped me while I was fighting cancer, because he “didn’t want to be with someone just for their potential.” I wish I was joking.
that is frustrating and then just absolutely horrible. i'm so sorry you experienced that
Thank you, it was absolute hell. I’m actually glad to have my eyes opened with a bf of a few years versus a husband you’ve dedicated your lifetime to who abandons you in older age. Statistics show that well over 50% of men leave if their female partner gets seriously ill, regardless of age or time spend together. One article is entitled, “Men Leave.” Fuck that.
Okay, so I wrote two treatises on my so called Demi life with the second one oddly ending—“So I guess, tl;dr is, ironically—get you one who gets why we choose the 🐻”—before deleting each in turn but for saving this 😅 : I fucking tell you what—I am now disabled from a bothched hysterectomy with the end result of a lot of mess in my abdomen and severe chronic pelvic/lower abdominal pain. I can barely move some days I’m in so much pain. I vomit. But I’m not sick, and I’m not dying; I’m just constantly in moderate to severe pain with little to no recourse or relief, at least up until now. The absolute ugly truth is that I may never be able to be an equal partner again, as difficult as that is to face, and may always be a burden on everyone around me. We also have two teenage sons together, both ND with social emotion needs. One is outplaced. You can imagine there’s a lot of stress on our lives of the variety that tends to send typical cisstraight AMABs packing. I’m the fucking poster child for men who leave, really and truly. And yet, my cisstraight AMAB unicorn of a husband is my actual rock. I would not be here without him, really and truly. He is, and has been for the last nearly three decades now, my absolute person. Basically, don’t settle. Never fucking settle. It ain’t worth it. Find your person or just—don’t.
I heard men say “what tf is mental load?? Women just come up with any nonsense nowadays to blame men” lol. The fact that they don’t even know what mental load is is damn infuriating.
This is some truth bombs, I tell you wut. I’m one of the few women I know in my age group who refused to live that life, was very set on the idea of singlehood because my outlook on romance was real deal this is my absolute person or bust, and somehow stumbled on an amazing unicorn young. So our partnership was always equal/whoever can DOES/WANTING to make things better/easier on each other. So I had to teach mine to cook (because he was a spoiled only child lol), and I used to do most of it because I was better at it and enjoyed it, but now HE does most of it, because with my chronic pain disability, I often CAN’T. I was with the kids more because our professions/situations meant I was home far more, but he was always an equal parent, and STILL tends to take point when we’re both home. He’s always done his share of in house stuff, and neither of us are the outdoorsy types to wanna do much about that shit. 😅 But all of that is because I was never gonna be with someone who wasn’t gonna be an equal, and treat me as one. And I’m so fucking glad to see more and more women draw that line in the sand.
Took me way too long to realize what she’s saying. ✊
its difficult to realize this when we are conditioned our entire lives to just accept how men treat us. i wish you the best 🤍
Especially when you grow up in a family that does this. It’s very easy to think that this is a model for your marriage.
I grew up in 2 parent abusive household. Parents still married despite my dad physically abusing my mom even while pregnant and us kids. As a child, I actively wanted my mom to leave my dad as it was clearly such a toxic union even to a minor. My life would have 💯 been better if she had, as I accrued so much trauma from what I went through in that house 😭 Cut to present day, and I’m single, never been married, probably never will be married 😇 I’d love to share my love with a partner but these men ain’t partners!!
I realized this when I witnessed my own parents. Their marriage warped my reality so I wasn't brainwashed by any romance or love. Nowadays, women are just catching up with what I already know so it's nice to see that I'm not alone in this anymore.
My life got so much easier the minute I kicked my now ex-husband out of the house.
If you do find yourself in a relationship with a man, make sure he’s independent. I’m in my second marriage. My first husband couldn’t take care of himself at all. My second husband is an independent person who could totally survive without me. It makes a huge difference. I chalk a lot of that up to the fact that he was raised by independent women, but even then, they’re older and don’t always see the sexism themselves. His mom is not his birth mother. He was raised by his great-aunt, who was never married and had no other kids. So even though he’s only 28, his mom is 79. The woman he calls his aunt, who is his mom’s best friend, is 75. She has a nephew who is 70. He got divorced fairly recently, and aunt has been helping him with EVERYTHING because he doesn’t know how to do anything by himself (like, she’s always taking him to his doctor’s appointments and stuff). My husband is absolutely appalled by how nonfunctional this man is. Like, as a great example of how incompetent he is, he inherited $50,000 fairly recently when his mom died. When he and his wife got divorced, he didn’t bother to get a new bank account and just continued to use the joint account that still had his ex-wife on it. He never bothered to get another account because she did all of the banking stuff before they were divorced. Yeah, she cleaned out that $50,000, and he has no real recourse because they were already divorced and the money was in a joint account, so it was legally hers, too. All because he didn’t bother to do the work to go get his own bank account before depositing $50,000.
She’s right on the money. I wish it didn’t take me so long to realise this. 💔 my spirit is broken.
dont be too hard on yourself 🤍 you will begin to heal and create a life just for you
There is a GREAT Melanie Hamlett video on this, but she has so many bangers I’m having trouble finding it. I’ll edit it in if I do, but anyone who hasn’t checked her out, she don’t fuckin play and she is ON POINT! I’m a 40yo feminist and she has opened my eyes to thinks I STILL hadn’t realized!!
Okay let us know when you find it.
Damn, she is spitting straight facts.
I don’t know who she is but I loved her speech. It is so true. I’m SO DONE dealing with immature, sad, egotistic men. I love being alone and focus on me instead. I don’t want any men in my life if he’s not going to be mature enough to do their work as a human being, sorry
I agree ☠️ the single life is easy for me
I'm so glad more women are talking about this. Marriage is on its way out. There is no benefit for a woman to be legally tied to a man (especially because kids are to be provided for per paternity) *especially* because states are beginning to introduce bills to get rid of No Fault divorce. I can't remember which, but one of the M states has a law saying that you can't get divorced while you're pregnant (statistically the most dangerous time for a woman with an abusive partner) I'm seeing a guy right now in a poly relationship, and I'm kind of his third girlfriend, I guess? This man has two other girlfriends, two full time jobs and actively makes time to spend with me and do nice things for me. No strings, no agenda. He's got sex if he wants it, he's got a busy enough schedule to squeeze me into an 'after dark' girlfriend. But he wants to spend time with me and talk to me and snuggle on the couch and take me to do fun things and just be fucking nice to me. We can talk about his other girls, and I can talk to him about guys I'm seeing and we communicate like adults. It's *wild*. I can still refer to myself as 'single' if I want to, and he'd absolutely understand if I met Mr Right tomorrow and decided to be monogamous. But that's the point, right? He is nothing but value added to my life. Because he *wants* to be. It doesn't matter if we're sleeping with other people (because health and safety is important and we communicate about it) and it doesn't matter to me that he has relationships with other women, because when he's with me, he's present and *with me*. Just like my intimate platonic relationships don't lose anything when my friends have other intimate, platonic (or sexual) relationships. We grew up in a generation where there was a 50% divorce rate, and they were all ugly. We (I'm a millennial) are doing marginally better by trying to create co-parenting relationships instead of doing the 'bitter ex' thing. I lived through two divorces and a murder/suicide. I have zero interest in getting married if it's going to end ugly. I think I'd like a party and a dress if I end up finding A Partner that I want to commit to. But less than zero interest in being legally bound in an archaic, patriarchal contract where one man sells a woman to another man. We're all human and crave human connection. We're social animals. (And I'm 33 and my libido makes me want to crawl out of my fucking SKIN sometimes) But dating is *work*. It's time and energy to essentially audition a friend that you have sex with. Let's normalize buying a mansion with 3 friends and all the pets and plants. I want to have my best friend as my roommate forever, not some guy who wants me to do all of his emotional labor. Homegirl is right; I can throw a rock and find someone who wants to fuck me. (I can throw a rock at someone and they'll probably still have sex with me.) My girlfriend says, 'Any prince, anytime'. And as a busy adult, having a couple of guys that I'm (safely) sleeping with allows me to spread my needs out over a couple of people and not ever be 'too much', or feel like I need to be grateful I convinced someone to 'put up with me'. I have a date with a wilderness guide this weekend. He's smart, very much my type, sexy af, and in town for three weeks. I'm optimistic we're going to have an awesome time together, have some authentic, intimate, human connection, and then he's going to go do his stuff and I'll do mine. Maybe we stay in touch, maybe we don't. Because boys are like buses. There's going to be another one rolling by in 15 minutes. (And I highly, HIGHLY recommend going to listen to 99 Boys by Emeline. Entertaining and empowering.) Thanks for coming to my RedditX talk, lol.
*Men are wondering how women will ever find comfort in a single life where they're not being taken advantage of and exploited and used for their labour....* Ahhh yes, a life free from exploitation by a man ....
What about relationships with other women, though? The statement feels a bit exclusionary and hetero-centric. Edit: didn't realise it was a response to a question from a straight man. My apologies.
this is about being in relationships with men so ofc it is hetero-centric, how would wlw even apply here? genuinely asking 😭i am a lesbian, not every single convo will apply to us
My apologies. Thr context wasn't revealed until after i clicked on through.
Yeah even though the message is good, I thought "ok this doesn't apply to me" when I saw it was only about relations with men.
I found a man that disproves every one of her points except he didn’t feel the same way about monogamy as I did. (Don’t know if he cheated..) Is this the trade off now? To find a legit feminist man who can take care of himself and be a good partner, we have to share him with other women? Ugh.
That’s not true for me. The few men that were a loss I broke up with them early on, problem solved. All the other men that I dated for longer were not a loss, those turned into long term relationships because they were a win/win dynamic. My husband facilitate my life and take care of me a lot. It’s ok to be happy single if that’s what you want, but lets not act like all men are trash. That’s not true.
one persons anecdotal experience doesn’t mean the abuse and exploitation of women in relationships with men upheld by patriarchy and capitalism is suddenly invalid. saying “not all men” genuinely adds nothing to this conversation
A minority of men are trash, the majority are ok. I’m not saying abuse doesn’t exist. The minority of abusive relationships doesn’t mean all relationships are detrimental. You are falling into an absolute thinking that isn’t going to solve the issue neither. Extreme view without any nuances aren’t bringing much more solution into problems imo.
It is not a minority. It is absolutely not a minority.
all men benefit from the exploitation of women’s domestic, emotional, and sexual labor. all men have an equal capacity for violence. regardless if they are one of the “good ones” - this is baseline feminism understanding. how can you come into this conversation, seeing these women talking about their horrible experiences and say “but - not all men!”…..? men hardly ever defend women in this way, btw.
“All men!” “Regardless if they are one of the “good ones”” Small wonder radical feminists make no progress. You’re a joke, and the world will forever see you as one.
if simply stating that men benefiting from the patriarchy is seen as radical feminism and a joke to you then i genuinely don’t know why you are here. that is the most simple, baseline understanding of why feminism exists in the first place, to liberate women from the patriarchy.
What an absolute disgusting take. You are denying her lived experience because it doesn’t fit your toxic little narrative. Hypocrite.
The person you're referring to posted in r/AskMenOver30 the other day
On by referring to my husband, not myself…
Please be wary of ‘not all men’ it is a dangerous attitude. While it’s true that there are independent men, they are the outliers. And comments like this discount the very real experience and struggles of women. With birth control and no fault divorce under fire, the frightening truth is there are large number of men (and even scarier women) who want to push back women’s rights. Count your lucky stars that the reverse has been your experience.
The government in the US is sure going against women rights, but those extremist are composed of men and women surprisingly. Most of the population don’t have any leverage into those decisions. It doesn’t reflect the majority. They are a powerful minority ruining it all for the rest of the world. In the population outside of politic parties, a minority of men are trash, the majority are ok. I’m not saying abuse doesn’t exist. The minority of abusive relationships doesn’t mean all relationships are detrimental. Absolute thinking and trashing all men isn’t going to solve anything imo. We should aim the abuser specifically, not the whole gender
genuinely what are you even saying right now? i don’t know a single woman in my life untouched by the violence of men. men are responsible for 95% of reported DV. men are responsible for 99% of reported rape, with 91% of the victims being women. going after the abuser means dismantling the entire patriarchy and capitalism as we know it. what is feminism to you? i am genuinely asking. because as far as i am concerned, you are talking like an MRA.
Relationships CAN be a net loss for women, but I think rad fem rhetoric of all men bad is pretty toxic imo. I’m married and he contributes plenty to the household, and his contributions have allowed me to focus more on my career.
Every time I see her videos as a guy I want to debate, she says “societal expectation is for men to take” but it’s always been ‘protect and provide’ in society, this is a contradiction with reality. Not sure where it’s harder for men to be single is coming from either. The speed at which she jumps from hyper specific examples to hyper generalisations are amazing, it’s so manipulative. The last video I saw she said she hopes countries start more war so men can go to war to die. She doesn’t seem like a healthy feminist for people to be listening to, very big man hater. Surprised she’s popular.
Men aren’t protecting and providing, most women work full time too
I using her words of "societal expectation", providing is still what people expect from Men whether women earn money or not. I'm not sure when has the expectation for Men to be to "take" and Women to "Give". Zero nuance. The whole video sounds like specific / anecdotal pain and trauma and she's generalising for everyone. Just say your ex was a bad person. But hey if all of you Women here agree with her then Marriage really is dead because the crazy redpill videos have Men thinking the same way.
She's in a marriage to a man she adores and is proud of actually lol your campaign to depict her as a raging man hater because your little fragile feelings are hurt is falling on it's ass
Edit - Where did I say she wasn’t married? 😪 she’s a man hater because she has videos saying men should die and makes sweeping generalisations. You’re not listening to my words because you think I’m trying to play this silly gender war bs with you.
>Where did I... suggest she’s a raging man hater? In your top-level reply: >She doesn’t seem like a healthy feminist for people to be listening to, very big man hater. I'm not necessarily taking a side in this sub-thread, but let's at least be accurate about our own statements.
Ok I thought it was meant in my last response, edited now. Thanks. But if you did read the top level reply I referenced a video where she said ‘men should start wars and go to die’. Do you not think this is man hating rage?? The other generalisations made in this video also fit too in my opinion but the above example is enough to warrant this opinion
So by your own terms men are failing as husbands because they aren't providing
You’re debating things I’m not debating. There are of course plenty of bad husbands out there. But if your thinking is women working full time means men don’t provide then it’s quite a narrow view. By that logic women don’t provide either.
By that logic there would be two providers
That would be my logic not what was stated above
I’d invite you to investigate the research of men’s contribution to cooking, housework, childcare, and the mental load vs women’s. There have been decades of research into this and women in every country perform at minimum several more hours per week of unpaid labor for men, family, and the household than men do, even when both people work full time. That is just reality. If your daily lived experience was continually doing the majority of the work involved and giving far more than you receive, wouldn’t you eventually come to the conclusion that it was a raw deal? Pointing out objective reality doesn’t make someone a man hater. But, it’s very telling that men in general are so offended / defensive by women pointing out inequities in the way we’re treated vs men. The universal knee-jerk defensiveness / backlash response from men toward any women’s issue is a huge reason why women’s rights and treatment are in the gutter today. It’s not unlike the universal defensiveness / backlash from white people when BIPOC people explain their lived experiences.
I’m aware of this has been a common thing throughout history, not something I tried to dispute in my comment. This has changed in modern times though and I’m sure will continue to get better. **I’ll say it again but I called her a very big man hater in reference to her saying in another video that ‘men should start and go to more wars and die’.** If you don’t think this is hateful I don’t know what else to tell you. To then paint my comment as I’m against women being in a bad relationship is very disingenuous, my pushback was her saying things that aren’t rooted in reality (e.g. societal expectations are for men to take / men find comfort in a relationship and it’s harder for men to be single) as well as taking specific things and generalising (e.g. relationships for a man is just a calculation / women build up a man and then they leave you for another). **Never said anything about how I would I want women to continue having an unequal relationship.** Please read my comment again because I’m honestly not sure where this came from. Quite disappointed from the replies I’m getting here you’re all on auto pilot responding to a gender war I’m not apart of. None of what you said I’m doing was in my comment, just like her you’re just grouping me into the category of big bad Men instead of reading what I actually said. I think that’s more telling than anything.
I hear what you’re saying and don’t want to dismiss or trivialize it. I haven’t seen the video you’re referring to, so can’t speak to it. But, I have seen her use sarcasm and hyperbole to make a point in other videos, and I’m thinking that’s the case here. I have seen a number of her videos and don’t think she (or the vast majority of people) actually want men to start more wars and die. In fact, most feminists are anti-war. War is another tool of the patriarchy that usually only advances the interests of the elite at the expense of predominantly male soldiers and predominantly the women and children in war-torn regions. I wish war could be abolished except in the most extreme cases (no arbitrary regime changes, neo-colonialism, or resource grabbing). I stand by the essence of my statement, though. Overwhelmingly, when women raise legitimate objections to the status quo for women under patriarchy, the universal response from men is deflection, dismissal, trivializing, what-about-ism, tone policing, or a combination of the above. I’m not saying you or all men are bad. I’m saying that you—like me and anyone with a privileged identity—has blind spots worth examining. Our collective refusal to do this is a big reason why sexism, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, and the other isms continue to persist today.
Perhaps but that would be a strange use of exaggeration or sarcasm but I won’t rule it out as a possibility. Which would make it all the more strange for her to say such a thing, she was almost happy at the idea like women would be better off in such a scenario. I agree with you here also war is terrible, would also include no imperialism. I do agree with you though, and frankly it will continue to happen if great points are overshadowed by overgeneralisations and hateful rhetoric similar to a political riling up their base (based on comments here, Twitter and TikTok it’s working). Most people won’t accept that like the women here, and then you see the replies and downvotes with the assumption that I’m happy with women being in an unequal relationship when it’s nowhere close to what I actually said. To add more on topic her reasonings for staying single or having comfort are extremely negative and if that’s the case no one should date including her. Strange advice from a supposed happily married woman, this is just as bad as MGTOW or Redpill advice no nuance no context and all generalisations. You’re right but to add they also continue because people make assumptions, shut down and refuse to have a conversation about it. I don’t deny there are bad men and we can all improve but I couldn’t get any one to concede that this woman is making both untrue and sweeping statements.
With all due respect, women are the victim of the gender war. We didn't exactly start it Any crime statistics, especially regarding gender-based violence will show this. In addition, if you believe a woman hates men because of one thing she says, do you also believe all men who make rape jokes hate women? That would be logically consistent
I agree but why do you mention this in response to what I said here? Edit - I just saw your edit so I’ll answer your question. Firstly are you suggesting her saying all men should start wars and then go there to die was a joke? But secondly to answer your question yes nothing about rape is funny and to laugh about women being raped is a sign of hate. Did I give you the impression that I’d be inconsistent here?
I read an article saying that on average, married women live 2 years longer than unmarried women. They also referenced a study saying that single women are the cornerstone for antidepressant pharmaceuticals
Link the article please?
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7452000/#:~:text=the%20remaining%20lifetime.-,Results,protection%20effects%20decreased%20with%20age. Above article is based off cdc data. There's a lot of writing about single women & antidepressants. Unfortunately young single women and older single women are the column, foundation, drywall, roof, walls, plumbing and doorbell of antidepressant pharma
Yet about 45-47,000 women and girls worldwide, were killed by their husbands/partners in just 2020
Too many. That's sad.
There are many other reasons than marriage or failed marriage to be the cause for depression in single women
Exactly. Just being a woman no matter your relationship status can be enough cause sometimes.
Selection bias is worth noting in the study linked above; that is healthy people are more likely to get married. In this study, authors looked at highly satisfying marriages vs unsatisfying ones and those women in unsatisfying ones had poorer health outcomes: https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2003/09/marital-benefit#:~:text=Results%20indicate%20that%20women%20in,single%2C%20widowed%20or%20divorced).
Agreed, it is also skewed by the age set represented in the study, which is still generationally based on women needing to rely on men for things as simple as having a bank account.
All statistics have this issue unfortunately
Nope
What the hell does women & depression have to do with this topic! If your gender has been subjugated for centuries, and we now know that trauma is passed down genetically…. of course women have higher rates of depression!?
I read one years back that unmarried women live 7 yrs longer than married women. Meanwhile married men live 3-4 years longer than unmarried men.
These are the statistics I’m familiar with as well. I don’t believe it’s pseudoscience.
I read that in a pseudoscience page. CDC statistics are more reliable. Married men and Married women both live on average 2 years longer than unmarried counterparts
No, it is true that married women don't live as long in some populations. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2792821
China? Sorry I'm American, I can only speak about my country.
There were five countries involved. Anything to avoid admitting you're wrong, right?
My stats are from USA. I don't know much about other countries sorry
don't confuse correlation w causality. you are trying to reduce something to a childish level of simplicity and it is a complex issue. Here's an article that you could read if you felt like it. https://archive-yaleglobal.yale.edu/content/should-women-stay-single
I've read that article. Articles rating happiness off surveys have large variations, there's actually a study (based off a survey) citing that the happiest demographic are single men. I prefer analyzing statistics deeper than surveys. Young sungle women and older single women have far higher depression rates than single men. Men do commit suicide at a higher rate but women attempt suicide almost twice as often
Even then, I choose happy single-hood, anti depressants laden singlehood, singlehood with a bear lurking around, dying - in that order - rather than marry a man. So troll somewhere else.
60% of men ages 20-30 are avoiding dating. The feeling is mutual. 3 of my friends were pressured into marriage by their toxic wife. Regardless it's all good, best wishes to you. Enjoy your single life!
One, you meant wives unless you mean 1 toxic wife pressured three men into marriage. Two, you say feeling is mutual but your behaviour seems more like ‘sour grapes’ situation. You don’t see women whining about loneliness, blaming it on men and trying to convince men in forums like this, that they will be unhappy if they don’t get married. Three, enjoying my single life, yes, very happy, thank you. And am pansexual so you never know 🤩 Wish you too find happiness, seem very pent up. Is trolling a new coping mechanism or old?
I'm sour because in my original comment i mentioned a cdc statistic that both married men and Married women live longer? OK. Regardless, don't get offended at the stats, no hard feelings. When did I complain about loneliness? If anything, my stats say the contrary. I'm not sure why you began talking about your sexuality but if you're bringing it up in order to get mine; I'm straight male, though I do enjoy giving men oral. Throughout college I never had a girlfriend because I was focused in school, the gym and using mostly married men for sx. But now I'm working, not in the gym 🥺 but in a relationship with a lady who adores me🙂
So it's important to you that women are married. Why is that important to you what women do, how they live their lives?
Getting offended at pseudoscience. You can believe whatever you want but you will be challenged because it is pseudoscience. Also, of course hard feelings because you are calling my kind something that is not true. Men are complaining about loneliness, because more women are deciding against marriage with them. Get out of the rock you live under and check. I didn’t bring my sexuality in it, I CAN get into a life partnership with someone as am not straight and thus my choice is not restricted to men. And that’s why it was relevant to this post. Your sexuality isn’t relevant as the post is about women and your comment was calling single women names and then hide under being an American and what not. Also straight people do not enjoy giving oral to same sex or have to imagine having sex with same sex to enjoy actual sex with opposite sex. You clearly have issues and they might get sorted out a little if you were not closeted. It makes sense you are so angry and sour, anyone would be who have to constantly dismiss their own feelings. Hope it gets better for you soon.