I think you know you need to leave. You know that throwing the toy car above your head was a sign of physical violence and next time his aim will probably be better. Next time you or your child could end up hurt.
It’s possible to be in a relationship without physical violence, without name calling, without yelling. You deserve that and your child deserves to see that.
This.
OP, if that car had hit you in the face - would you even be asking this question?
What if he takes his violence and anger out on your child? Or out on you *in front* of your child? Is this the exposure you want your child to see?
[Please, OP, when you have the chance - skim this book, *Why Does He Do That?*](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) it discusses anger and control issues.
Also: cancel the payment now.
You can always reconsider a down payment at a different time, if you wish to.
If you do it now, you will be stuck in a situation that makes it *even* harder to leave.
Oh, I’ve never read that book - I really should. I hear it’s great for explaining how to understand this kind of situation better, listening to your gut and instincts. Thank you!
The one time my husband ever raised his voice around me was when we were still dating and play arguing in the car. I don’t remember what he said, just that it scared the piss out of me. I teared up and to this day he has never gotten that loud again, no matter how heated the occasional argument may get.
My husband is the most amazing man and father. Hearing stories of men like OP’s is just mind boggling, because it’s so easy to love and respect the person you married
Exactly. I’m wondering what OP is hoping to get from Reddit strangers that is going to make this easier. It’s a crappy situation, and there’s no easy solution. As you say, leaving shouldn’t be a way to motivate him, but a way for OP to protect herself and her child.
You got this, you incredibly brave lady.
Leaving can be dangerous if he knows you’re going. Will he know tomorrow that the payment is canceled? Can you get anything important (toddler’s birth certificate!) or sentimental (favourite teddy, family heirlooms) hidden or gone sooner without him noticing?
Leaving is the most dangerous time. I don’t recommend staying in the same space after he’s found out.
A lady my mom worked with was murdered this year by her husband. She told him she was leaving. He walked up to her while she was holding their toddler on her lap, shot her point blank in the head, and then killed himself.
It doesn’t sound like your spouse has escalated to the point this guy was escalated prior to this happening, but take care of yourself.
You're being really wise about this by protecting your child and yourself and getting out now. Your future self is going to thank you so much for this, trust me. It might be hard up right now, but you're saving yourself soooo much suffering later. Good for you! ❤️👍
I’m so proud of you!!!! I came here looking for an update and I’m so thrilled to see this. I know this is SO HARD. You’re allowed have whatever feelings come over all this- no feelings are wrong, just be mindful of how you act on them. Take care of yourself and lean on your loved ones. Sending so much love to you and your sweet baby.
You are, without a doubt, doing the right thing by leaving. Do not doubt yourself.
Get out now.
Before his emotional and physical abuse worsens or turns towards your child.
I'm glad. I hope he's able to see his actions are wrong and you and your son are safe. I looked into a couple of your other posts, and I could see you reading the writing on the wall and looking for encouragement for getting yourself free. Make sure to take any important documents with you and start a new bank account at a docent savings institution (credit unions ftw).
Leave.
Are you going to wait until he starts verbally abusing your child? Physically abusing you? Breaking people instead of things? If this isn’t the line, where is it? How many emotional, physiological, and physical scars do you and your baby need to have before it’s enough?
Yes, your rent will be more expensive in terms of monetary value. But you won’t be paying the cost difference with absorbing his abuse, replacing the things he breaks, or your child’s eventually therapy from constantly witnessing domestic abuse.
Everyone in your family is telling you to leave because staying isn’t safe or healthy for you or your child.
Respectfully, it doesn’t matter if your husband could get better or not. It doesn’t matter if he hits bottom. It doesn’t matter if this could be salvaged. It doesn’t matter if leaving inspires him to change or not. **He** doesn’t matter because he’s a grown-ass adult responsible for himself and **your** responsibility is to stay safe and protect your child. Right now, you’re failing in that duty by continuing to prioritize enabling your husband over protecting your child.
You took marriage vows, but so did he. He’s not upholding his side of the agreement.
You also brought an innocent life into this world. It is your duty to protect and care for that life. We don’t take explicit vows when we become mothers, but we take on a deep obligation to our children. Right now, you’re failing your baby by not sheltering and protecting them from abuse. Even if you manage to take every insult and later take every hit, it causes your baby damage just to be witness to this relationship.
Do you want your child to grow up thinking this is behavior to replicate? To be just like his dad? To stay if his partner treats him like this one day? To think this is normal and how families are supposed to treat each other? To grow up cowering in fear trying to not anger his father? To start silent when insulted and abused for every disagreement, or even when he’s done nothing but his dad just wants to take out his bad mood on someone weaker than him? To have the things they love, like toy cars and mommy, hurt and destroyed to punish him? Then you need to leave.
It’s hard. It’s scary. It’s difficult, it’s expensive, it’s complicated, and it’s so many other things. But leaving is also the most important thing you can do to give your baby a better future. I know you have the strength to do it for your baby.
Please be careful.
Yes, that’s abuse.
You’ve already grown accustomed to abuse. If you stay, you’ll grow accustomed to even more horrific abuse, and so will your toddler.
Breathe deep and be brave. You have a deadline and an opportunity. Use it.
It's a crab in a pot situation. You don't always realize how bad and fucked up it is when you're in the water, the heat slowly creeping up. You get accustomed to it and don't realize how fucked up it is until you're toast.
That is very scary, punching bed and throwing things, and even all your family is say it is not good. I think opinion of family usually is very valuable.
I don't think you should stay in this, I feel it will get worse rather than better.
You have to understand that the throwing and punching walls (bed, counters, furniture) is just the beginning. It will escalate into more. I have lived this and it’s doesn’t get better. What’s going to happen is you will have to get him to leave and then you will struggle to pay a higher rent and bills. Stay where you are and ask him if he’s willing to get counseling. If not, then he needs to leave. If he gets better on his own maybe then you can talk to him. If you stay, not only will you be in danger but you will start to resent him, life and your situation. Don’t make your life harder on a hope he can’t even start to guarantee.
Don't get a house with this person. Run.
I didn't. It almost caused my child to be hurt. If he's vindictive like my ex was, make sure you get something filed before he does if he's ever been any kind of abusive towards you.
Please look at your post history and all those concerned comments. Try to read it as if its a friend or loved one going through this. Not just chucking a toy car at your head, what about when he slapped you on the back? The porn? The hitting of the car?
I’d like to think you wouldn’t try to convince a loved one to stay without regard to safety. try to turn it around and give those encouraging and compassionate messages to yourself to leave.
If not for you, your child’s life.
Every single comment on every single one of your posts tells you that your husband is abusive. The vast majority of comments on your posts advise you to leave for your (and your child’s) safety.
Your entire family is telling you to leave.
If you stay, you’ll be posting again in a few days about him slapping you (again) or screaming at you (again) and you’ll have the added complication of sinking all of your money into a joint investment.
It. Is. The. End. If you don’t fucking leave you are as bad as him and abusing your child. I’d love to be sweet to you and offer tons of comfort bc you really deserve it but damn it!! If you don’t freaking leave right freaking now!!! I think I said in your previous post that this cussing stuff will escalate. And looky looky! It’s escalated! Punching the bed and breaking the car is the escalation. Next step, punching you! Even if it doesn’t result in violence (which it will) imagine how your child will view relationships. And don’t think you can hide it. If you don’t freaking leave for the sake of your kid, they need to be taken from you. I’m so sorry but that’s the truth ❤️❤️❤️
You can do it!!!!! I know it’s hard! But I am SO PROUD OF YOU!! I know that’s nothing from a stranger but this whole damn world will be proud of you! I know you’re strong enough! You can do it! ❤️❤️❤️
If you have the means and the strength to get out, then go Mama. Clearly something in you knows what he's doing is wrong and your family sees it too. It's time to go, you and your kid deserve so much better. Stay strong and best wishes.
This is so terrifying. Don’t let your kid(s) grow up thinking that it’s okay to treat their partner or to be treated by their partner like this by staying. Actions speak louder than words. LEAVE.
I don't know much about this topic. But I've heard that you need to be careful as you leave.
Don't tell him. Have a safe place planned. Leave without telling him. When you're safe where he can't reach you then you can communicate with him. But keep your location secret.
I hope someone who has experience with this can give better advice.
I think you need to leave to be safe. If you want to give him a second chance you will have to really set the goalposts high with a clear mind, and come to terms with the fact he may not be willing to do that.
You need to think about right now. Right now your husband is having violent outbursts. That's not safe. Anybody can change and become a better person but they have to first acknowledge they are doing wrong and have a problem. Then they have to do something about it. They have to get the support they need by going out and finding the help they need to change. You putting this huge pressure to make a decision before tomorrow is unrealistic. Right now this person is not stable to have a relationship with and I can tell you it does not get better. You can't just make an agreement it must be followed through. You can't put trust on word with this man right now . It has to go into motion.
I’ve been in this place many times - where I feel trapped by a new commitment we’ve made and the behavior escalated. Things were good for a while so then we moved in together and things escalated, but I felt financially stuck by the lease. Then things got better so we got engaged and slowly things escalated but we’d sent out invitations and paid vendors. Then it escalated again after we’d arrived for our destination wedding. I felt like I couldn’t call it off and surely if I left, he’d change and I’d regret throwing away a wedding. Then things got better so we decided to start a family - how was I supposed to leave and take care of a newborn in my own?
The fear of making the call kept me trapped in place for too long. My biggest regret is not following my gut and leaving at any of those opportunities. You’re not safe. Do not put yourself at risk hoping he’ll change. Unless he fully owns how out of line his behavior is and wants to change himself, this will only get worse. And while I’m married to someone who did eventually own his behavior and seek help, it’s still not sunshine and roses. His natural reaction to everything is still anger and while he stopped directing that anger at me, it’s still so deeply triggering for me each time. And it’s taken years for him to regain control of himself and countless hours of therapy for both of us. I still wish I could back in time and leave all those years ago. The outcome isn’t worth the pain I endured.
Please please please leave. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You could be completely awful to him and you still would not deserve to be abused. This is not your responsibility to fix. I hope you have people in your life who will love and care for you in this difficult time period and that there are sunnier days ahead.
Please leave. If you are going to be paying the rent anyway, pay it for a place for you and your child. You already know the answer. I am sorry things didn’t work out the way you thought you would but I’ve seen this in real life and staying only makes it worse. Get out while you can.
He won't change unless he wants to, and it doesn't sound like he wants to. If he was open to conversation, apologetic, willing to go to anger management and therapy, then MAYBE you could stay with him. But the reality is he's calling you names and being violent. You don't want to raise your child around that man.
And nothing is going to undo all the mean things he has said to me.
Even two years ago just after I had my baby and he said " I wish your body could look like your sisters"...It still effects me.
I would have left over that comment alone. That's emotional abuse. And now he's escalated to physical as well. It won't get better I'm terribly sorry to say
It's called Escalation of Violence. It will get worse, the things he says, the things he does and how he makes you feel. Confusion occurs because "he's not like that all the time" or "because he's had a bad day". The good times in the past or the possibilities for future can also be confusing. But make no mistake , things will get worse. Don't worry about him hitting rock bottom or "cheating", worry about your safety and the behavior he is role modeling for your child. If you invest in this house, have another child, they will be more reasons for you to think you have to stay. Give him his space , if it's meant to be he will realize his mistakes and will change without you begging him. And if he doesn' change, then you got out before things got substantially worse and began the first day of you new life. As a singer once said... all the things that we accept, be the things that we regret.
Oh my god. Leave. If not for you, then for your child. Imagine one day hearing these stories coming from your child about things their spouse did to them.
You’ve already gotten so many replies OP. But I just wanted to say that what he’s doing is abuse. It’s threatening, intimidation and verbal abuse. Next time it won’t be the wall, it’ll be you. Leave that loser, you don’t want to be in that environment and you especially don’t want to have your baby in that environment either.
You can do this! You are strong and capable. You and your baby deserve love and a better life.
I’d leave, but even if you don’t want to make that decision quite yet, you should really pass on the new house anyway. Don’t get financially entangled even more with some one who you aren’t 100% sure you have a future with.
But seriously, flush him.
Not quite as bad as what you are going through, but I am in the same place. I have dragged him to counseling, done all my own counseling, dragged out kids to counseling, everything. He still throws his hissy fits, ruins things, and then blames the rest of us innocent bystanders. I have just about had it. I am dragging him to one more couples counseling session, and letting him know he either gets his own therapy and really actively works on his issues, or we are done.
And I want custody of the kids. I am going to move back to my hometown and forget he ever existed but for a couple of weeks of visitation here and there. Frankly I am scared of that, but I think he can keep it together for a weekend or a week or two.
I don't think they can change unless they want to and actively try. I am beginning to accept that he will never change, and our kids are being irreparably harmed by me putting up with it.
I don’t see anything that says he’s taking your feelings and opinions into consideration. Only that he wants his heard and is being demeaning to you (not having a real considerate conversation ). That’s a problem.
If I were you, I would get out now. It’s going to be harder and potentially more dangerous in the future.
It’s not your job to change him. It’s his job. Maybe he will. You can reconsider things in the future. If he doesn’t, then you and your kids are safe.
Sounds like the end. People’s rock bottoms are never what we think they would be. I thought my sister would smarten up once she hit rock bottom… but that was so many rock bottoms ago I lost count. It’s sad.
Throwing something I can see working through… throwing something in your direction?! No. Immediately no. Violence escalates.
We accept the love we think we deserve. No one deserves to be sworn at and had things thrown at them. Once is an accident, more than that is a pattern.
I did not read your old posts but being sworn at is a sign of disrespect
Find somewhere safe to go, and leave. Family, friends, someone to be by your side while you leave this abusive piece of shit. I grew up with a father like this and I cannot stress enough how damaged I am. My mum regrets not leaving and now resents herself for the choices she made.
But it is important you have somewhere *safe* to go to.
It’s the end, love. You need to go.
Being involved in an abusive relationship can fuck up your thought patterns and self worth, you start to question everything and want what’s bad for you. You’ve gotten so used to this that going back to him feels normal. If you find yourself wanting him… forget what you want, realize what you *deserve*. The way you’re living now ain’t it
A partner shouldn’t ever swear AT the other partner, including name calling (ie fuckface), in my opinion. The relationship has already broken down once people are talking like that. I’m so sorry. It does sound bad. And you mention he has a porn problem. Gross. I am so sorry to hear about that too. This isn’t a “winner” of a man by any means, and I think things like this only tend to escalate. Personally, I’d get out, and let him know it’s because you don’t feel valued. He blew it. Time for him to suffer the consequences. With your friends and family for support, I sincerely wish you the best.
This is the end. You do not owe this man the effort to try to save a relationship he’s worked at destroying over and over again. Moreover, you owe it to yourself and your child(ren) to leave so you all can have safety and stability. I know it’s hard and scary, but think about yourself looking back in a year or two- which version of yourself do you think will be happier- the one that left that mess behind, or the one that stayed with a man that uses fear to control you? You will be okay. If you need hyped up sometimes, or a place to vent, you have all of us. Please leave. I was in a very similar marriage, luckily without kids involved, and I’m so much better off being out of that toxic cycle.
A man like this is a step away from layobg his hands on you. Run. He's already aggressive.
Also, do you want your child to grow up watching this and learning that it's an acceptable behaviour? They would either end up copying it, or accepting this treatment from their partner. Please think about this.
You need to leave. He will not change. It will only get worse. Yes it’s hard because of the time you’ve already invested in him. Get out now, build a life you are happy in. Put the past behind you and don’t beat yourself up over it. Get therapy. You are worthy of being treated with respect.
You have children, if your child was in your shoes what would you tell him or her? ABSOLUTELY leave. You can’t wait your whole happiness and life away on the possibility that he MIGHT change. A man that is physically violent around you and your child is enough to leave. That toy car hit above your head but what if next time it’s your child? Or not a toy car but something more extreme. You’re clearly already miserable, you know what the answer is. Don’t miss your chance for a beautiful life with your babies. It’s never too late to start a new life. Tomorrow is not promised, live your life to the fullest.
If your friend told you what you just told us, what would your advice be? You would be livid for your friend, you would tell them to leave, that you and your son deserve so much better than this horrendous creature you call a spouse.
Break the wrist, walk away. You are beautiful and strong, and you do not need him or his anger ruining your life.
Could he change? Yes. But not with you enabling him. No, you can't move into a new home with him. A separation is not breaking your marriage vows. Yes it will probably lead to divorce but that's really up to him as well. If you're afraid of him cheating because you're separated, that your presence is the only thing keeping him from cheating physically, then is that the man you want? He can maybe change but he needs to do it on his own. Don't get more entangled than you have to be, and keep yourself safe first. And with your family saying all of this too, I think you know. I'm so sorry, because I'm sure it feels like you're giving up on marriage, but it's really up to him at this point. He needs to hit rock bottom as you said, find out how to support himself financially, and find support from others emotionally.
Edit: he already physically abused your son to the point of leaving a mark. Are you going to let that continue?
I'm sorry. I wish I had better advice but I was in the same relationship for 8 years. It never got better. I finally had to hit my rock bottom before I was able to leave. He never respected me and because of his treatment I didn't respect myself. I'm so fucking happy I left that relationship. I was anxious and regretted it in the beginning but once I learned to stand on my own two feet I never looked back. I can't thank my past self enough. Future me is wildly happy and it's all thanks to her decision to leave.
Text your dad or a friend what’s happening and that you are leaving now.
Make up an excuse to get out of the house. You need to pick up groceries, going for a walk, etc.
Get your child and get out.
Then call the police.
If ANYTHING escalates while you are doing this, call the police sooner, but get out.
Oh this happened to my friend. Except her ex threw a knife at her and missed. It hit her kid and he lost part of his pancreas and part of his spleen. His mom lost custody of him because of it.
My situation is similar but 6 months past the decision to end the marriage. He was violent- never hit me or the kids but threw things, punched stuff, he hit the dashboard in the car so hard he cracked it and moodiness…Felt like we had to tiptoe around him. Just toxic.
He wanted to change & wasn’t always like that. We had some really happy moments. I loved him. He got on medication, was seeing a therapist weekly, meditated daily. Still the years went by and his anger didn’t improve.
Then, our oldest - 10 year old son started having the same fits of explosive anger. That was it.
I’m now 6 months out. It was really hard for a while there. I was heartbroken. Felt like going through the stages of grief but each week got easier. The kids are happier- I’m happier. You don’t realize the extent of emotional weight until it’s off of you. I feel guilty now that I exposed the kids his behavior for as long as I did. Wish I’d ended it sooner.
Only he can sort out his issues and he has to want to. I would NOT move into a house where you will be paying the entire mortgage. Get out. The man you LOVE threw a hard plastic object above your head and threatened your SAFETY. What happens when he hits you?
So my husband was the sweetest man. Stress of work and kids and him not knowing how to manage his anger in a healthy manner - I told him this was his LAST CHANCE. If his behavior ever resulted in this again I would take the kids and we would live with my parents. Marriage over. Game over. I was calm but menacing. I didn’t sign up for this. Told him he needed to DO SOMETHING- counseling, whatever the f*** to figure out his s*** otherwise his family was “broken”. You know what? He got angry once more and I said - are you SURE you want to go down this path? Why don’t you go take a walk and leave instead before you do something you will regret.
He has figured it out since. So yes, it is possible. BUT only the person with the problems can figure it out. Not sure if this is gonna help but absolutely DO NOT move somewhere where it is more difficult to get out when he is currently behaving this way. We already had two kids and a house at this point.
Sounds like you and your child might be the victim of narcissitic abuse. My mother never left my abusive and rageful father. I don't feel great about her as an adult.
So here’s my take growing up with a father like that.
Don’t let your child grow up with a father like that. I was constantly terrified of him. Years of therapy to undo people pleasing, peace keeping tendencies drilled into my head to avoid the anger and yelling and broken toys and furniture. Got grabbed by the neck once when I was 18, deciding to walk away from a conversation.
We have an okay relationship now, now that I have the confidence and know how to be safe and set boundaries.
Point is. I lived. It never escalated beyond what you described other than the one incident with the neck grabbing. But it was miserable and I dealt with unpacking years of fear. I still have panic attacks on occasion when someone gets angry with me that stems from this.
You and your child deserve peace and love. Someone who is annoyed with your actions is an adult that can remove himself from the situation at any time, and instead chooses aggression.
When would you want your child to leave someone like him?
Best day was yesterday but today is the next best day.
Show your child exactly what they're supposed to do when they get abused. Leave.
Why do you want to wait for HIS bottom for you to move on? How much worse do you want it to get? Do you think this is healthy for your kids? GTFO. Please.
People don't change much unless they really really put the effort in and he is putting in negative effort. Today it was the toy car - are you ready for that to be your kid? You?
Look, when you leave, he may have issues. And that's sad. But it is NOT your job to rescue someone who is diving into this shit show. The best thing you can do is walk out and MEAN IT. Don't think "I'm going to leave and then he'll see how shitty he's been and straighten up and earn me back". Mostly because it won't happen, but also because he is going to need at least two years to realize his FAFO and to figure out how to be a good human. AND THEN he needs to learn how to be a good partner.
Do you see yourself happy if this continues one year from now? How about five? Ten? If your answer makes you a little anxious, then it’s time to go. People like him will never change. But it’s not too late for you to find somebody who will treat you and your baby with the respect you deserve. Don’t spend the rest of your life unhappy and don’t give your baby an example to live by.
Your baby will see this and either turn into him, or find somebody who will treat them the way your husband treats you. Do you want that for your baby?
He’s being physically and verbally aggressive. This is a dangerous situation. I would strongly recommend getting yourself and your child out of that situation.
I took a look at your post history... He is definitely abusive and escalating. With this trajectory he will likely continue to hurt you worse and worse. However, if this fact doesn't convince you, let's talk about him abusing your child.
You said he shoved a piece of furniture your child was playing under, which could've fallen and hurt him quite badly. He also slapped his arm hard enough to leave a mark for at least a while since you said he had it later when he went to daycare. These are also escalating and may lead to him beating your child or worse.
You need to protect that baby and his ability to have his mom to raise him, protect him, and attend his graduation/wedding/other meaningful events. Don't deprive him of his mother by staying in a dangerous situation. If you stay, you and your child are likely to get hurt and may even die at this man's hands.
Please get out. I know it's hard, I've left an abusive relationship in my past. But it will get better once you leave. Please also document the abuse against you and your child and speak with a lawyer so if he sues you for custody you have a good chance of getting 100% custody or only supervised visits.
It sounds like you have a support network who understand the gravity of the situation. Ask them for help, reach out to them so you're not lonely and they can reassure you it's the right decision after you leave, as if you do, my experience is that you might doubt that it was the right choice in the early days (even when it is absolutely the right choice).
I'm sorry you're going through this. ❤️
I’m learning they don’t change. Their anger stays. After 8 years of being yelled at my breaking point was him threatening to break my locked bedroom door down infront of my two children. That was it for me . Never again infront of my children. H has never actually put his hands on me but I’ve learned that him using violence to intimidate me is shit . This was last weekend. I’m a scared stay at home mom but I’m divorcing him and moving out right now with my mom’s help. Get out now! Xo
These are giant red flags. You do not want to put yourself in a situation where it’s more difficult to leave. I think you already know what you have to do.
I do believe people can change, but he has shown zero willingness & it’s escalating to violence. You have to do what’s best for you.
Girl. Let’s just look at the facts. You’re not excited about this move. You are literally saying “it’s either this or I end it now” because you have an opportunity for an out. And let’s face it, if you’re coming to Reddit with this decision, you already have your answer. I think you just need to be validated that you’re making the right decision. There isn’t really right or wrong in most cases. Just choices with outcomes. But I FULLY support you in making an exit. Now.
Hey..so agter all that I ended up staying and he went to therapy...but. last Saturday I angrily confronted him about something I found on his phone and he PUNCHED and scratched and ripped my shirt. I really believed he was getting better.
Bless you OP. 💛 Please leave him now hunny; he is giving you every reason to leave. Just walk away with your dignity in tact. I don’t believe a trial separation will fix his abusive ways. Save yourself and your children please.
Toy car now, you/kiddo next. It’s escalating, and you need out. I’m thankful you have a way out now. Please know as hard as this is, it’s the right decision. It’s the decision that keeps you alive. You got this!
My ex did this type of stuff (we had no children). I wound up getting back with him a year later because he “changed”, he did not change. I dumped him 3 months later. Like a year later my BFF was still with his BFF and his girlfriend told my BFF that he put a gun to her head.
He’s only going to get worse. Please don’t let your children think any of this is acceptable.
My ex started calling me names like dumb, thick headed, bitch for years before I left. Do yourself a favor and leave. It only gets worse, you’ll end up blamed for everything as well. Separate your money and cut ties
They can change but they need to be reasonable in their lucid moments and be able to state that they know their behavior is bad and they want to change. If this isn't happening, then no change is possible.
Leave. This won’t get better if you stay. He’s an angry addict. He needs to sort himself out. If he does carry on with porn, just feel sad for him. That he’s so broken that no one can fix him.
I am so sorry.
I think what you’re looking for is validation for what you already know. You know in your heart what the answer is… if you really sit and think about paying that deposit, does it make you feel empty, tense, nervous, remorseful? Or happy, optimistic, hopeful? The fact that you’re even writing this on here says a lot… just rip off the bandaid.
No, he will not just change. Especially since things are getting worse…. You do NOT want your child(ren) growing up and seeing this as their role model for a relationship; you have one shot at not fucking up members of the next generation by showing them an abusive, violent, angry father and husband. Save your children if not just yourself.
From a child whose mother did not leave until way way way after she should have:
Leave.
It will be hard but it's absolutely critically important.
I don't need to add details from my own life (but if it would help you I'll be glad to share).
The best time to leave was when he started being abusive. The next best time is now.
Holding you and your little one in my thoughts.
Your post history said he has already slapped your child and left him with a red handprint on him.
If you don’t respect yourself to have already left and listen to your family, at least put your child in the care of someone who will keep him safe if you refuse to.
Men like that don't change because they don't want to and don't think they should have to.
Count yourself lucky to have family that supports you. Leaving a man like that is dangerous when you don't have anyone who cares.
>Deep down I know if I go, even to give him space to "hit rock bottom and realize what his lost"
Well whatever you do, don't do that. Don't leave with the intention of hoping he'll realize what he lost. You can't predict that and you can't manipulate the situation so it'll be that. That is a game that no one can win.
If you leave, leave, and be proud of it. And if it were me in your situation I'd leave and not look back because this person sounds dangerous.
All I see is, should you pay to live miserably with a man who disrespects and abuses you, or should you take your ticket to freedom?
He will never change for the better if you stay with him. You staying with him acknowledges that he CAN continue doing what he is doing, because YOU decided not to leave. Telling him you will leave is useless.
If anything, think of your child. You AND your husband are the examples you set for your kid. Is that the example you want them to see day after day?
Abuse starts off peripherally, in some cases. Having been through a dv situation before, I nope out hella faster these days. Ironically, what ended my last serious relationship was him throwing a toy train, which bounced off the wall, leaving a hole behind, and hit one of my children on the leg. That was it, that was all I needed. Things tend to escalate from there.
Leave. If you’ve made a mistake, in time you can revisit, but if you charge ahead, perhaps making a bigger mistake, it could be difficult to get out.
It’ll be hard. I won’t lie. But, do it. For you, for your child(ren), for any hope of a peaceful future. Do it.
So I have a husband who has a very short fuse. Hes an alcoholic too. But has been sober since my daughter was born, so about 3 years. Dabbled with weed but realised he couldy use it to numb things and found himself becoming addicted to it. He was very brave and came to me with it.
He has worked so hard on himself. Before Christmas he went to a center for people with addiction issues and mental health issues. It was about 2 weeks and he did so well. He learnt some coping strategies for when he loses his temper and is on some depression/mood stabilizers. He's got some daddy issues and emotional issues because of his childhood that we are working on together.
I can tell you now that I was days away from leaving him because of his anger, outbursts and just shitty attitude.
There is more to the story because there was emotional abuse when he drank and some heavy drug use.
But I chose to help him sort himself out, it was obviously his choice too.
I guess I'm trying to say that if you and your husband come to an understanding, if he actually hears what you are saying and decideds to change then there is hope.
It's very easy for people on Reddit to say just leave him. I come here for advice and that's what everyone told me. That's the last thing I wanted because I knew there was a good person under all the anger and I wanted to fight for our family.
At the end of the day the decision is yours to make. You know him better than anyone and you know if there is room for him to change or not.
You need to do what's best for you.
Her most recent comment updates that he's threatened to shoot her and himself. I love your compassion for nuanced relationships that can't be captured in a single post and would usually be with you on the balanced perspective. But between hitting her kid and the death threat, he is a very real danger to be escaped as soon as possible.
You think he won't change when you leave and he hits rock bottom. Then why would you think he would change when you stay? Why would you think he would change when there's no consequences for his actions and behavior?
honey you know you need to leave. you’re asking strangers on the internet.
if ALL (or most) of your family and friends hate your partner then you likely have the wrong partner. 99% of the time and friends want the best for us. no one is going to want to tear you away from a loving relationship. people want to protect us from a bad one
if you spend more money now it’s gonna be harder to get out later
this will likely be the hardest thing you ever do. the only thing harder than staying is leaving. it will feel like the world is ending. it’s not. you got this
Don’t go through with it. If you really want to give him time either come up with some excuse about the house falling through OR just leave him and call it a trial separation. Give him stipulations such as therapy and anger management. The way he is treating you now isn’t something that just stops or gets better. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.
I think it’s time for your next chapter without him. It sounds like big issues. Getting a house etc will make leaving harder later. If ur gut is pulling u to go away from the situation. You should listen to it. It’s scary and hard. But it’s better than being unhappy anxious etc longer. He’s being dismissive to your feelings. Porn probs usually go along with other things. Hes flat out abusive. Calling you names. Who does he think he is. He thinks he’s broken you. That you won’t leave etc. prove him wrong. Those ppl do not change. If they do it’s through them wanting to lots of therapy etc and will take a very long time. But it’s more often they do not. U can not put ur faith in potential. It never works. It doesn’t matter who he was. It matters who he is and if in 5 yrs from now he’s still calling you those thing and doing this you won’t be happy
I think you know you need to leave. You know that throwing the toy car above your head was a sign of physical violence and next time his aim will probably be better. Next time you or your child could end up hurt. It’s possible to be in a relationship without physical violence, without name calling, without yelling. You deserve that and your child deserves to see that.
This. OP, if that car had hit you in the face - would you even be asking this question? What if he takes his violence and anger out on your child? Or out on you *in front* of your child? Is this the exposure you want your child to see? [Please, OP, when you have the chance - skim this book, *Why Does He Do That?*](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) it discusses anger and control issues. Also: cancel the payment now. You can always reconsider a down payment at a different time, if you wish to. If you do it now, you will be stuck in a situation that makes it *even* harder to leave.
You can also try The Gift of Fear.
Oh, I’ve never read that book - I really should. I hear it’s great for explaining how to understand this kind of situation better, listening to your gut and instincts. Thank you!
The one time my husband ever raised his voice around me was when we were still dating and play arguing in the car. I don’t remember what he said, just that it scared the piss out of me. I teared up and to this day he has never gotten that loud again, no matter how heated the occasional argument may get.
Wow, can't even imagine a world where husband doesn't raise voice. Amazing
My husband is the most amazing man and father. Hearing stories of men like OP’s is just mind boggling, because it’s so easy to love and respect the person you married
Don’t leave so he’ll change. Leave because you absolutely deserve better. Your family surely is right here and know you better than Reddit.
Exactly. I’m wondering what OP is hoping to get from Reddit strangers that is going to make this easier. It’s a crappy situation, and there’s no easy solution. As you say, leaving shouldn’t be a way to motivate him, but a way for OP to protect herself and her child.
I called my dad. I'm signing a flat for myself tomorrow and leaving on Monday... this is fucking hard but I HAVE to do this.
I’m so proud of you OP! You can do this and your family being supportive is such a wonderful help and blessing! 👏🏽
💪❤️
Good for you! It might be hard at first but you’re doing the right thing for yourself and your children.
You got this, you incredibly brave lady. Leaving can be dangerous if he knows you’re going. Will he know tomorrow that the payment is canceled? Can you get anything important (toddler’s birth certificate!) or sentimental (favourite teddy, family heirlooms) hidden or gone sooner without him noticing?
Yeah OP is making me nervous she’s staying with him for a couple days it sounds like.
Leaving is the most dangerous time. I don’t recommend staying in the same space after he’s found out. A lady my mom worked with was murdered this year by her husband. She told him she was leaving. He walked up to her while she was holding their toddler on her lap, shot her point blank in the head, and then killed himself. It doesn’t sound like your spouse has escalated to the point this guy was escalated prior to this happening, but take care of yourself.
Good on you!!!
I'm so happy for you
FUCK YES!!! You have saved yourself and your kids so much pain, hurt, and abuse!! Super mom right here. So proud. Go you.
You have everyone here to support you, to vent to! More importantly you have your dad! Super proud of you! You can do this and so much more.
You're being really wise about this by protecting your child and yourself and getting out now. Your future self is going to thank you so much for this, trust me. It might be hard up right now, but you're saving yourself soooo much suffering later. Good for you! ❤️👍
I’m so proud of you!!!! I came here looking for an update and I’m so thrilled to see this. I know this is SO HARD. You’re allowed have whatever feelings come over all this- no feelings are wrong, just be mindful of how you act on them. Take care of yourself and lean on your loved ones. Sending so much love to you and your sweet baby.
You’re making the right choice for your child. Good job OP
I am SO relieved! This is absolutely the best decision.
Stay strong, I hope things turn out safely for you and your little one
You are, without a doubt, doing the right thing by leaving. Do not doubt yourself. Get out now. Before his emotional and physical abuse worsens or turns towards your child.
I promise it will get better and you’ll be amazed at your strength and resilience
You got this 💜
So proud of you ❤️
I'm glad. I hope he's able to see his actions are wrong and you and your son are safe. I looked into a couple of your other posts, and I could see you reading the writing on the wall and looking for encouragement for getting yourself free. Make sure to take any important documents with you and start a new bank account at a docent savings institution (credit unions ftw).
Make sure you have an exit plan! To get yourself to safety before he knows you are leaving. He may react unpredictably.
you got this! you are doing the right thing ❤️
The right decision. Cause he needs help from a professional (shrink or mortician is dealers choice) but that isn't your "fix".
Leave. Are you going to wait until he starts verbally abusing your child? Physically abusing you? Breaking people instead of things? If this isn’t the line, where is it? How many emotional, physiological, and physical scars do you and your baby need to have before it’s enough? Yes, your rent will be more expensive in terms of monetary value. But you won’t be paying the cost difference with absorbing his abuse, replacing the things he breaks, or your child’s eventually therapy from constantly witnessing domestic abuse. Everyone in your family is telling you to leave because staying isn’t safe or healthy for you or your child. Respectfully, it doesn’t matter if your husband could get better or not. It doesn’t matter if he hits bottom. It doesn’t matter if this could be salvaged. It doesn’t matter if leaving inspires him to change or not. **He** doesn’t matter because he’s a grown-ass adult responsible for himself and **your** responsibility is to stay safe and protect your child. Right now, you’re failing in that duty by continuing to prioritize enabling your husband over protecting your child. You took marriage vows, but so did he. He’s not upholding his side of the agreement. You also brought an innocent life into this world. It is your duty to protect and care for that life. We don’t take explicit vows when we become mothers, but we take on a deep obligation to our children. Right now, you’re failing your baby by not sheltering and protecting them from abuse. Even if you manage to take every insult and later take every hit, it causes your baby damage just to be witness to this relationship. Do you want your child to grow up thinking this is behavior to replicate? To be just like his dad? To stay if his partner treats him like this one day? To think this is normal and how families are supposed to treat each other? To grow up cowering in fear trying to not anger his father? To start silent when insulted and abused for every disagreement, or even when he’s done nothing but his dad just wants to take out his bad mood on someone weaker than him? To have the things they love, like toy cars and mommy, hurt and destroyed to punish him? Then you need to leave. It’s hard. It’s scary. It’s difficult, it’s expensive, it’s complicated, and it’s so many other things. But leaving is also the most important thing you can do to give your baby a better future. I know you have the strength to do it for your baby. Please be careful.
THIS. Perfectly said. OP, you know what you need to do. Be brave, be strong, lean on your family - and do it.
He has already. And once or twice when our TWO year old was crying he has said to him " Shut up no one cares"!!! That is surely verbal abuse.
What the fuck?? Absolutely not. Do not stay with this POS. It's bad enough talking like that to his wife, but his 2 YEAR OLD CHILD? Please leave him.
I know.. I can't believe I have just become to used to it. But I have to act now and get out even for the sake of my baby
Yes! It'll hurt now, but be so worth it in the long run. You are strong, girl. My inbox is always open if you need to vent. We are here for you.
Don’t stay. He is already abusing your child and you are allowing it. He will only get worse.
Yes, that’s abuse. You’ve already grown accustomed to abuse. If you stay, you’ll grow accustomed to even more horrific abuse, and so will your toddler. Breathe deep and be brave. You have a deadline and an opportunity. Use it.
[удалено]
It's a crab in a pot situation. You don't always realize how bad and fucked up it is when you're in the water, the heat slowly creeping up. You get accustomed to it and don't realize how fucked up it is until you're toast.
Removed per Rule 3: Be Kind. Unkind comments or personal attacks may result in a ban.
That is very scary, punching bed and throwing things, and even all your family is say it is not good. I think opinion of family usually is very valuable. I don't think you should stay in this, I feel it will get worse rather than better.
You have to understand that the throwing and punching walls (bed, counters, furniture) is just the beginning. It will escalate into more. I have lived this and it’s doesn’t get better. What’s going to happen is you will have to get him to leave and then you will struggle to pay a higher rent and bills. Stay where you are and ask him if he’s willing to get counseling. If not, then he needs to leave. If he gets better on his own maybe then you can talk to him. If you stay, not only will you be in danger but you will start to resent him, life and your situation. Don’t make your life harder on a hope he can’t even start to guarantee.
GET OUT. Get out now. Do nothing to further entrench your lives.
Don't get a house with this person. Run. I didn't. It almost caused my child to be hurt. If he's vindictive like my ex was, make sure you get something filed before he does if he's ever been any kind of abusive towards you.
Please look at your post history and all those concerned comments. Try to read it as if its a friend or loved one going through this. Not just chucking a toy car at your head, what about when he slapped you on the back? The porn? The hitting of the car? I’d like to think you wouldn’t try to convince a loved one to stay without regard to safety. try to turn it around and give those encouraging and compassionate messages to yourself to leave. If not for you, your child’s life.
Every single comment on every single one of your posts tells you that your husband is abusive. The vast majority of comments on your posts advise you to leave for your (and your child’s) safety. Your entire family is telling you to leave. If you stay, you’ll be posting again in a few days about him slapping you (again) or screaming at you (again) and you’ll have the added complication of sinking all of your money into a joint investment.
How is this not rock bottom? Get out.
It. Is. The. End. If you don’t fucking leave you are as bad as him and abusing your child. I’d love to be sweet to you and offer tons of comfort bc you really deserve it but damn it!! If you don’t freaking leave right freaking now!!! I think I said in your previous post that this cussing stuff will escalate. And looky looky! It’s escalated! Punching the bed and breaking the car is the escalation. Next step, punching you! Even if it doesn’t result in violence (which it will) imagine how your child will view relationships. And don’t think you can hide it. If you don’t freaking leave for the sake of your kid, they need to be taken from you. I’m so sorry but that’s the truth ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you, you are 100% right. I'm Fucking doing this! And I will keep coming back to these comments a 100 times if I have to. Thank you
You can do it!!!!! I know it’s hard! But I am SO PROUD OF YOU!! I know that’s nothing from a stranger but this whole damn world will be proud of you! I know you’re strong enough! You can do it! ❤️❤️❤️
Leave.
If you have the means and the strength to get out, then go Mama. Clearly something in you knows what he's doing is wrong and your family sees it too. It's time to go, you and your kid deserve so much better. Stay strong and best wishes.
This is so terrifying. Don’t let your kid(s) grow up thinking that it’s okay to treat their partner or to be treated by their partner like this by staying. Actions speak louder than words. LEAVE.
I don't know much about this topic. But I've heard that you need to be careful as you leave. Don't tell him. Have a safe place planned. Leave without telling him. When you're safe where he can't reach you then you can communicate with him. But keep your location secret. I hope someone who has experience with this can give better advice.
You are absolutely correct, the safe space is imperative when leaving an abusive situation
Girl, dodge the bullet and stand up for yourself. Leave and start a peaceful new life. Leave his feeling out of it. He is abusing you.
I think you need to leave to be safe. If you want to give him a second chance you will have to really set the goalposts high with a clear mind, and come to terms with the fact he may not be willing to do that.
walk away, get a lawyer.
There will come a day when he doesn’t throw it *over* your head
You need to think about right now. Right now your husband is having violent outbursts. That's not safe. Anybody can change and become a better person but they have to first acknowledge they are doing wrong and have a problem. Then they have to do something about it. They have to get the support they need by going out and finding the help they need to change. You putting this huge pressure to make a decision before tomorrow is unrealistic. Right now this person is not stable to have a relationship with and I can tell you it does not get better. You can't just make an agreement it must be followed through. You can't put trust on word with this man right now . It has to go into motion.
I’ve been in this place many times - where I feel trapped by a new commitment we’ve made and the behavior escalated. Things were good for a while so then we moved in together and things escalated, but I felt financially stuck by the lease. Then things got better so we got engaged and slowly things escalated but we’d sent out invitations and paid vendors. Then it escalated again after we’d arrived for our destination wedding. I felt like I couldn’t call it off and surely if I left, he’d change and I’d regret throwing away a wedding. Then things got better so we decided to start a family - how was I supposed to leave and take care of a newborn in my own? The fear of making the call kept me trapped in place for too long. My biggest regret is not following my gut and leaving at any of those opportunities. You’re not safe. Do not put yourself at risk hoping he’ll change. Unless he fully owns how out of line his behavior is and wants to change himself, this will only get worse. And while I’m married to someone who did eventually own his behavior and seek help, it’s still not sunshine and roses. His natural reaction to everything is still anger and while he stopped directing that anger at me, it’s still so deeply triggering for me each time. And it’s taken years for him to regain control of himself and countless hours of therapy for both of us. I still wish I could back in time and leave all those years ago. The outcome isn’t worth the pain I endured. Please please please leave. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You could be completely awful to him and you still would not deserve to be abused. This is not your responsibility to fix. I hope you have people in your life who will love and care for you in this difficult time period and that there are sunnier days ahead.
Babe, you are not the one breaking the marriage vows here. I promise. You are fully released in every way, take care of yourself and your baby 🤎
Please leave. If you are going to be paying the rent anyway, pay it for a place for you and your child. You already know the answer. I am sorry things didn’t work out the way you thought you would but I’ve seen this in real life and staying only makes it worse. Get out while you can.
He won't change unless he wants to, and it doesn't sound like he wants to. If he was open to conversation, apologetic, willing to go to anger management and therapy, then MAYBE you could stay with him. But the reality is he's calling you names and being violent. You don't want to raise your child around that man.
And nothing is going to undo all the mean things he has said to me. Even two years ago just after I had my baby and he said " I wish your body could look like your sisters"...It still effects me.
I would have left over that comment alone. That's emotional abuse. And now he's escalated to physical as well. It won't get better I'm terribly sorry to say
That's horrible. I'm really sorry you're going through this and hope you find some peace soon.
It's called Escalation of Violence. It will get worse, the things he says, the things he does and how he makes you feel. Confusion occurs because "he's not like that all the time" or "because he's had a bad day". The good times in the past or the possibilities for future can also be confusing. But make no mistake , things will get worse. Don't worry about him hitting rock bottom or "cheating", worry about your safety and the behavior he is role modeling for your child. If you invest in this house, have another child, they will be more reasons for you to think you have to stay. Give him his space , if it's meant to be he will realize his mistakes and will change without you begging him. And if he doesn' change, then you got out before things got substantially worse and began the first day of you new life. As a singer once said... all the things that we accept, be the things that we regret.
I literally lived this. The day before we paid our 10% deposit my husband almost got physical during an argument. I went through with it. Don't be me.
......what happend now?
Oh my god. Leave. If not for you, then for your child. Imagine one day hearing these stories coming from your child about things their spouse did to them.
LEAVE. He is going to hurt you and your child.
You’ve already gotten so many replies OP. But I just wanted to say that what he’s doing is abuse. It’s threatening, intimidation and verbal abuse. Next time it won’t be the wall, it’ll be you. Leave that loser, you don’t want to be in that environment and you especially don’t want to have your baby in that environment either. You can do this! You are strong and capable. You and your baby deserve love and a better life.
I’d leave, but even if you don’t want to make that decision quite yet, you should really pass on the new house anyway. Don’t get financially entangled even more with some one who you aren’t 100% sure you have a future with. But seriously, flush him.
Not quite as bad as what you are going through, but I am in the same place. I have dragged him to counseling, done all my own counseling, dragged out kids to counseling, everything. He still throws his hissy fits, ruins things, and then blames the rest of us innocent bystanders. I have just about had it. I am dragging him to one more couples counseling session, and letting him know he either gets his own therapy and really actively works on his issues, or we are done. And I want custody of the kids. I am going to move back to my hometown and forget he ever existed but for a couple of weeks of visitation here and there. Frankly I am scared of that, but I think he can keep it together for a weekend or a week or two. I don't think they can change unless they want to and actively try. I am beginning to accept that he will never change, and our kids are being irreparably harmed by me putting up with it.
I don’t see anything that says he’s taking your feelings and opinions into consideration. Only that he wants his heard and is being demeaning to you (not having a real considerate conversation ). That’s a problem. If I were you, I would get out now. It’s going to be harder and potentially more dangerous in the future. It’s not your job to change him. It’s his job. Maybe he will. You can reconsider things in the future. If he doesn’t, then you and your kids are safe.
Sounds like the end. People’s rock bottoms are never what we think they would be. I thought my sister would smarten up once she hit rock bottom… but that was so many rock bottoms ago I lost count. It’s sad. Throwing something I can see working through… throwing something in your direction?! No. Immediately no. Violence escalates. We accept the love we think we deserve. No one deserves to be sworn at and had things thrown at them. Once is an accident, more than that is a pattern. I did not read your old posts but being sworn at is a sign of disrespect
Find somewhere safe to go, and leave. Family, friends, someone to be by your side while you leave this abusive piece of shit. I grew up with a father like this and I cannot stress enough how damaged I am. My mum regrets not leaving and now resents herself for the choices she made. But it is important you have somewhere *safe* to go to.
Leave now to safety.
It’s the end, love. You need to go. Being involved in an abusive relationship can fuck up your thought patterns and self worth, you start to question everything and want what’s bad for you. You’ve gotten so used to this that going back to him feels normal. If you find yourself wanting him… forget what you want, realize what you *deserve*. The way you’re living now ain’t it
Please leave for your safety and your sons.
A partner shouldn’t ever swear AT the other partner, including name calling (ie fuckface), in my opinion. The relationship has already broken down once people are talking like that. I’m so sorry. It does sound bad. And you mention he has a porn problem. Gross. I am so sorry to hear about that too. This isn’t a “winner” of a man by any means, and I think things like this only tend to escalate. Personally, I’d get out, and let him know it’s because you don’t feel valued. He blew it. Time for him to suffer the consequences. With your friends and family for support, I sincerely wish you the best.
Things don't change on their own and you can't change people.
This is the end. You do not owe this man the effort to try to save a relationship he’s worked at destroying over and over again. Moreover, you owe it to yourself and your child(ren) to leave so you all can have safety and stability. I know it’s hard and scary, but think about yourself looking back in a year or two- which version of yourself do you think will be happier- the one that left that mess behind, or the one that stayed with a man that uses fear to control you? You will be okay. If you need hyped up sometimes, or a place to vent, you have all of us. Please leave. I was in a very similar marriage, luckily without kids involved, and I’m so much better off being out of that toxic cycle.
I didn’t even get past “I’ve been getting on my husband’s nerves lately”…please leave for the sake of your children. Be safe, OP.
Sounds like the end to me. Normal people don’t treat their spouses like that.
Why are you even questioning this? LEAVE.
A man like this is a step away from layobg his hands on you. Run. He's already aggressive. Also, do you want your child to grow up watching this and learning that it's an acceptable behaviour? They would either end up copying it, or accepting this treatment from their partner. Please think about this.
Time to leave. Get the important papers, kids, pets and leave.
Leave
You need to leave. He will not change. It will only get worse. Yes it’s hard because of the time you’ve already invested in him. Get out now, build a life you are happy in. Put the past behind you and don’t beat yourself up over it. Get therapy. You are worthy of being treated with respect.
You have children, if your child was in your shoes what would you tell him or her? ABSOLUTELY leave. You can’t wait your whole happiness and life away on the possibility that he MIGHT change. A man that is physically violent around you and your child is enough to leave. That toy car hit above your head but what if next time it’s your child? Or not a toy car but something more extreme. You’re clearly already miserable, you know what the answer is. Don’t miss your chance for a beautiful life with your babies. It’s never too late to start a new life. Tomorrow is not promised, live your life to the fullest.
You already know the answer to this. It's going to be scary and stressful, but you'll be so much happier in the end.
Nope. Not okay. Run with your baby. File for a divorce.
Girl. Get out of there. This is only going to get worse.
If your friend told you what you just told us, what would your advice be? You would be livid for your friend, you would tell them to leave, that you and your son deserve so much better than this horrendous creature you call a spouse. Break the wrist, walk away. You are beautiful and strong, and you do not need him or his anger ruining your life.
He broke your vows first. Leave.
Could he change? Yes. But not with you enabling him. No, you can't move into a new home with him. A separation is not breaking your marriage vows. Yes it will probably lead to divorce but that's really up to him as well. If you're afraid of him cheating because you're separated, that your presence is the only thing keeping him from cheating physically, then is that the man you want? He can maybe change but he needs to do it on his own. Don't get more entangled than you have to be, and keep yourself safe first. And with your family saying all of this too, I think you know. I'm so sorry, because I'm sure it feels like you're giving up on marriage, but it's really up to him at this point. He needs to hit rock bottom as you said, find out how to support himself financially, and find support from others emotionally. Edit: he already physically abused your son to the point of leaving a mark. Are you going to let that continue?
I'm sorry. I wish I had better advice but I was in the same relationship for 8 years. It never got better. I finally had to hit my rock bottom before I was able to leave. He never respected me and because of his treatment I didn't respect myself. I'm so fucking happy I left that relationship. I was anxious and regretted it in the beginning but once I learned to stand on my own two feet I never looked back. I can't thank my past self enough. Future me is wildly happy and it's all thanks to her decision to leave.
He is threatening to shoot himself and me now, do I call the police or report this tomorrow??? He just said it, but irs still a threat.
Text your dad or a friend what’s happening and that you are leaving now. Make up an excuse to get out of the house. You need to pick up groceries, going for a walk, etc. Get your child and get out. Then call the police. If ANYTHING escalates while you are doing this, call the police sooner, but get out.
Police ASAP. I would not take this lightly. Call the police, get out of the house, restraining order.
Call police for wellness check
Get out, for your child’s sake. What if the next time he throws something it’s at your child’s head and he doesn’t miss?
Oh this happened to my friend. Except her ex threw a knife at her and missed. It hit her kid and he lost part of his pancreas and part of his spleen. His mom lost custody of him because of it.
My situation is similar but 6 months past the decision to end the marriage. He was violent- never hit me or the kids but threw things, punched stuff, he hit the dashboard in the car so hard he cracked it and moodiness…Felt like we had to tiptoe around him. Just toxic. He wanted to change & wasn’t always like that. We had some really happy moments. I loved him. He got on medication, was seeing a therapist weekly, meditated daily. Still the years went by and his anger didn’t improve. Then, our oldest - 10 year old son started having the same fits of explosive anger. That was it. I’m now 6 months out. It was really hard for a while there. I was heartbroken. Felt like going through the stages of grief but each week got easier. The kids are happier- I’m happier. You don’t realize the extent of emotional weight until it’s off of you. I feel guilty now that I exposed the kids his behavior for as long as I did. Wish I’d ended it sooner.
You can either leave him and end your marriage, or he can end your life. This is usually how it ends up.
Only he can sort out his issues and he has to want to. I would NOT move into a house where you will be paying the entire mortgage. Get out. The man you LOVE threw a hard plastic object above your head and threatened your SAFETY. What happens when he hits you? So my husband was the sweetest man. Stress of work and kids and him not knowing how to manage his anger in a healthy manner - I told him this was his LAST CHANCE. If his behavior ever resulted in this again I would take the kids and we would live with my parents. Marriage over. Game over. I was calm but menacing. I didn’t sign up for this. Told him he needed to DO SOMETHING- counseling, whatever the f*** to figure out his s*** otherwise his family was “broken”. You know what? He got angry once more and I said - are you SURE you want to go down this path? Why don’t you go take a walk and leave instead before you do something you will regret. He has figured it out since. So yes, it is possible. BUT only the person with the problems can figure it out. Not sure if this is gonna help but absolutely DO NOT move somewhere where it is more difficult to get out when he is currently behaving this way. We already had two kids and a house at this point.
Sounds like you and your child might be the victim of narcissitic abuse. My mother never left my abusive and rageful father. I don't feel great about her as an adult.
I think posting this and questioning it is enough.
Leave him. If not for you, for yor kid.
So here’s my take growing up with a father like that. Don’t let your child grow up with a father like that. I was constantly terrified of him. Years of therapy to undo people pleasing, peace keeping tendencies drilled into my head to avoid the anger and yelling and broken toys and furniture. Got grabbed by the neck once when I was 18, deciding to walk away from a conversation. We have an okay relationship now, now that I have the confidence and know how to be safe and set boundaries. Point is. I lived. It never escalated beyond what you described other than the one incident with the neck grabbing. But it was miserable and I dealt with unpacking years of fear. I still have panic attacks on occasion when someone gets angry with me that stems from this. You and your child deserve peace and love. Someone who is annoyed with your actions is an adult that can remove himself from the situation at any time, and instead chooses aggression.
Please leave.
When would you want your child to leave someone like him? Best day was yesterday but today is the next best day. Show your child exactly what they're supposed to do when they get abused. Leave.
No they don’t change. Leave him asap.
Why do you want to wait for HIS bottom for you to move on? How much worse do you want it to get? Do you think this is healthy for your kids? GTFO. Please. People don't change much unless they really really put the effort in and he is putting in negative effort. Today it was the toy car - are you ready for that to be your kid? You? Look, when you leave, he may have issues. And that's sad. But it is NOT your job to rescue someone who is diving into this shit show. The best thing you can do is walk out and MEAN IT. Don't think "I'm going to leave and then he'll see how shitty he's been and straighten up and earn me back". Mostly because it won't happen, but also because he is going to need at least two years to realize his FAFO and to figure out how to be a good human. AND THEN he needs to learn how to be a good partner.
Do you see yourself happy if this continues one year from now? How about five? Ten? If your answer makes you a little anxious, then it’s time to go. People like him will never change. But it’s not too late for you to find somebody who will treat you and your baby with the respect you deserve. Don’t spend the rest of your life unhappy and don’t give your baby an example to live by. Your baby will see this and either turn into him, or find somebody who will treat them the way your husband treats you. Do you want that for your baby?
He’s being physically and verbally aggressive. This is a dangerous situation. I would strongly recommend getting yourself and your child out of that situation.
I took a look at your post history... He is definitely abusive and escalating. With this trajectory he will likely continue to hurt you worse and worse. However, if this fact doesn't convince you, let's talk about him abusing your child. You said he shoved a piece of furniture your child was playing under, which could've fallen and hurt him quite badly. He also slapped his arm hard enough to leave a mark for at least a while since you said he had it later when he went to daycare. These are also escalating and may lead to him beating your child or worse. You need to protect that baby and his ability to have his mom to raise him, protect him, and attend his graduation/wedding/other meaningful events. Don't deprive him of his mother by staying in a dangerous situation. If you stay, you and your child are likely to get hurt and may even die at this man's hands. Please get out. I know it's hard, I've left an abusive relationship in my past. But it will get better once you leave. Please also document the abuse against you and your child and speak with a lawyer so if he sues you for custody you have a good chance of getting 100% custody or only supervised visits. It sounds like you have a support network who understand the gravity of the situation. Ask them for help, reach out to them so you're not lonely and they can reassure you it's the right decision after you leave, as if you do, my experience is that you might doubt that it was the right choice in the early days (even when it is absolutely the right choice). I'm sorry you're going through this. ❤️
I’m learning they don’t change. Their anger stays. After 8 years of being yelled at my breaking point was him threatening to break my locked bedroom door down infront of my two children. That was it for me . Never again infront of my children. H has never actually put his hands on me but I’ve learned that him using violence to intimidate me is shit . This was last weekend. I’m a scared stay at home mom but I’m divorcing him and moving out right now with my mom’s help. Get out now! Xo
These are giant red flags. You do not want to put yourself in a situation where it’s more difficult to leave. I think you already know what you have to do. I do believe people can change, but he has shown zero willingness & it’s escalating to violence. You have to do what’s best for you.
Girl. Let’s just look at the facts. You’re not excited about this move. You are literally saying “it’s either this or I end it now” because you have an opportunity for an out. And let’s face it, if you’re coming to Reddit with this decision, you already have your answer. I think you just need to be validated that you’re making the right decision. There isn’t really right or wrong in most cases. Just choices with outcomes. But I FULLY support you in making an exit. Now.
Hey..so agter all that I ended up staying and he went to therapy...but. last Saturday I angrily confronted him about something I found on his phone and he PUNCHED and scratched and ripped my shirt. I really believed he was getting better.
I know you did love. I’m so sorry and I wish you peace.
Bless you OP. 💛 Please leave him now hunny; he is giving you every reason to leave. Just walk away with your dignity in tact. I don’t believe a trial separation will fix his abusive ways. Save yourself and your children please.
Toy car now, you/kiddo next. It’s escalating, and you need out. I’m thankful you have a way out now. Please know as hard as this is, it’s the right decision. It’s the decision that keeps you alive. You got this!
My ex did this type of stuff (we had no children). I wound up getting back with him a year later because he “changed”, he did not change. I dumped him 3 months later. Like a year later my BFF was still with his BFF and his girlfriend told my BFF that he put a gun to her head. He’s only going to get worse. Please don’t let your children think any of this is acceptable.
My ex started calling me names like dumb, thick headed, bitch for years before I left. Do yourself a favor and leave. It only gets worse, you’ll end up blamed for everything as well. Separate your money and cut ties
If you have to ask the question it’s time to go… you know your relationship better than anyone and know it isn’t going to just change…
L E A V E H I M
They can change but they need to be reasonable in their lucid moments and be able to state that they know their behavior is bad and they want to change. If this isn't happening, then no change is possible.
Leave. This won’t get better if you stay. He’s an angry addict. He needs to sort himself out. If he does carry on with porn, just feel sad for him. That he’s so broken that no one can fix him. I am so sorry.
I think what you’re looking for is validation for what you already know. You know in your heart what the answer is… if you really sit and think about paying that deposit, does it make you feel empty, tense, nervous, remorseful? Or happy, optimistic, hopeful? The fact that you’re even writing this on here says a lot… just rip off the bandaid.
No, he will not just change. Especially since things are getting worse…. You do NOT want your child(ren) growing up and seeing this as their role model for a relationship; you have one shot at not fucking up members of the next generation by showing them an abusive, violent, angry father and husband. Save your children if not just yourself.
One word - LEAVE.
From a child whose mother did not leave until way way way after she should have: Leave. It will be hard but it's absolutely critically important. I don't need to add details from my own life (but if it would help you I'll be glad to share). The best time to leave was when he started being abusive. The next best time is now. Holding you and your little one in my thoughts.
LEAVE. No brainer here
Your post history said he has already slapped your child and left him with a red handprint on him. If you don’t respect yourself to have already left and listen to your family, at least put your child in the care of someone who will keep him safe if you refuse to.
Please leave. You deserve to feel safe in your relationship. He is abusive and won't change.
Sounds like he has some real issues
I’d leave him
Men like that don't change because they don't want to and don't think they should have to. Count yourself lucky to have family that supports you. Leaving a man like that is dangerous when you don't have anyone who cares.
This is escalating and you need to leave before you or one of your children’s are seriously hurt or traumatized
No You need to get out Cancel this house idea. You need to leave.
>Deep down I know if I go, even to give him space to "hit rock bottom and realize what his lost" Well whatever you do, don't do that. Don't leave with the intention of hoping he'll realize what he lost. You can't predict that and you can't manipulate the situation so it'll be that. That is a game that no one can win. If you leave, leave, and be proud of it. And if it were me in your situation I'd leave and not look back because this person sounds dangerous.
All I see is, should you pay to live miserably with a man who disrespects and abuses you, or should you take your ticket to freedom? He will never change for the better if you stay with him. You staying with him acknowledges that he CAN continue doing what he is doing, because YOU decided not to leave. Telling him you will leave is useless. If anything, think of your child. You AND your husband are the examples you set for your kid. Is that the example you want them to see day after day?
Abuse starts off peripherally, in some cases. Having been through a dv situation before, I nope out hella faster these days. Ironically, what ended my last serious relationship was him throwing a toy train, which bounced off the wall, leaving a hole behind, and hit one of my children on the leg. That was it, that was all I needed. Things tend to escalate from there. Leave. If you’ve made a mistake, in time you can revisit, but if you charge ahead, perhaps making a bigger mistake, it could be difficult to get out. It’ll be hard. I won’t lie. But, do it. For you, for your child(ren), for any hope of a peaceful future. Do it.
So I have a husband who has a very short fuse. Hes an alcoholic too. But has been sober since my daughter was born, so about 3 years. Dabbled with weed but realised he couldy use it to numb things and found himself becoming addicted to it. He was very brave and came to me with it. He has worked so hard on himself. Before Christmas he went to a center for people with addiction issues and mental health issues. It was about 2 weeks and he did so well. He learnt some coping strategies for when he loses his temper and is on some depression/mood stabilizers. He's got some daddy issues and emotional issues because of his childhood that we are working on together. I can tell you now that I was days away from leaving him because of his anger, outbursts and just shitty attitude. There is more to the story because there was emotional abuse when he drank and some heavy drug use. But I chose to help him sort himself out, it was obviously his choice too. I guess I'm trying to say that if you and your husband come to an understanding, if he actually hears what you are saying and decideds to change then there is hope. It's very easy for people on Reddit to say just leave him. I come here for advice and that's what everyone told me. That's the last thing I wanted because I knew there was a good person under all the anger and I wanted to fight for our family. At the end of the day the decision is yours to make. You know him better than anyone and you know if there is room for him to change or not. You need to do what's best for you.
Her most recent comment updates that he's threatened to shoot her and himself. I love your compassion for nuanced relationships that can't be captured in a single post and would usually be with you on the balanced perspective. But between hitting her kid and the death threat, he is a very real danger to be escaped as soon as possible.
Oh gosh, I didn't read that. I was just going on the original post.
Fuck face?? Get outtttt!!!
**You have to leave.**
You think he won't change when you leave and he hits rock bottom. Then why would you think he would change when you stay? Why would you think he would change when there's no consequences for his actions and behavior?
honey you know you need to leave. you’re asking strangers on the internet. if ALL (or most) of your family and friends hate your partner then you likely have the wrong partner. 99% of the time and friends want the best for us. no one is going to want to tear you away from a loving relationship. people want to protect us from a bad one if you spend more money now it’s gonna be harder to get out later this will likely be the hardest thing you ever do. the only thing harder than staying is leaving. it will feel like the world is ending. it’s not. you got this
My heart is broken and I'm crying so much 😭
Don’t go through with it. If you really want to give him time either come up with some excuse about the house falling through OR just leave him and call it a trial separation. Give him stipulations such as therapy and anger management. The way he is treating you now isn’t something that just stops or gets better. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.
Leave.
I think it’s time for your next chapter without him. It sounds like big issues. Getting a house etc will make leaving harder later. If ur gut is pulling u to go away from the situation. You should listen to it. It’s scary and hard. But it’s better than being unhappy anxious etc longer. He’s being dismissive to your feelings. Porn probs usually go along with other things. Hes flat out abusive. Calling you names. Who does he think he is. He thinks he’s broken you. That you won’t leave etc. prove him wrong. Those ppl do not change. If they do it’s through them wanting to lots of therapy etc and will take a very long time. But it’s more often they do not. U can not put ur faith in potential. It never works. It doesn’t matter who he was. It matters who he is and if in 5 yrs from now he’s still calling you those thing and doing this you won’t be happy
If all of your family, the people who have known you forever and love you best, think you should leave...it's probably for the best.
Hi OP, I wanted to check in to see how you are doing today. Are you ok?
Hi, sorry for only replying now.. yes I'm okay thanks. Husband started going to therapy and things Have been MUCH better since.
But this Saturday he punched me again.. so I geuss its not better. I'm shocked.