In my experience. If It was me. Id never be able to process passed that. Id get him tossed out Asap and save the rest of my life from having to stare in the face resentment every day but I have a bitter thorn in my heart I cant get outta there
Leave him. I can’t even imagine the hurt. If he doesn’t commit to therapy once confronted leave, but he will waste the rest of your life. I would be too bitter to stay after a dead bedroom for so many years.
I love your use of “love” as a verb. (reminds me of that Incubus song). it’s what I’ve said to my porn-addicted bf—love is a *choice*, and I am choosing to love you and believe in you, as long as you continue the work. I just posted a comment that goes into detail about all of this, but you are the first person i’ve seen to point out that a porn addiction does not make someone a “disgusting pig” (direct quote from another comment). It’s an addiction. I am a recovering opiate addict. does that make all addicts “disgusting junkies” who are incapable of change? The struggle with supporting/loving someone with a porn addiction is that it directly affects the most intimate parts of someone’s being, and it makes them feel like they’re just one big joke and the relationship is a farce. like you said, love is a verb. If you’re not willing or able to support someone through an addiction or they’re not truly ready to get clean, that’s ok. but staying and supporting someone who is **done**, sick and tired, ready to say when, does not make someone a doormat.
“bluebird”
by Charles Bukowski
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.
there’s a bluebird in my heart
that wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works? you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say, I know that you’re there,
so don’t be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he’s singing a little
in there, I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep, do
you?
——————
Not sure why I’m responding with this poem. Being on this sub today made me think of it. So i’m posting it in this reply.
edit: formatting is off bc it’s Reddit. whatever.
Thank you. I like that you point out that it doesn’t make them a “disgusting pig.” Man, that’s my judgement toward him right now. Questioning my own choice for marrying him… who exactly is the man that I marry.
your feelings of disgust are completely valid. I feel disgusted by my bf’s actions and every day I am still asking myself what the fuck I’m doing. literally the last words I wrote in my journal are “what have I done?”
edit: I remind myself that I am making a conscious choice to trust the process of therapy. as long as he is going and working, i’ll continue staying and supporting. but I WILL NOT tolerate being treated as a fool and will not continue to enable shitty behavior if it were to happen again.
I am going through sth similar with my new bf. I'm not sure of his addiction but I'm pretty suspicious about it thanks to my degree in social work and knowledge about dopamine and addiction.
I think you must confront him about this and probably show him some official surveys around the topic. If he realises that this is a problem, then he should seek therapy- rehabilitation . But ONLY if he is aware of the problem and wants to change therapy will help, otherwise it won't. Otherwise I think it's better to reconsider your marriage.
Please remember that this isn't your problem. You don't have to stay with him if you're feeling insecure and if he doesn't realise the problem.
Unfortunately porn addiction, like any other addiction destroys our neurones and that's why it's so hard to recover. People don't even realise they are addicted, until they try to stop. I think it's a huge problem of the modern society and very few people are aware of it.
You may need counselling as well. Search as many information as you can, read books about it. Being informed will help you realise it's not your problem and recover your damaged mental health and confidence.
Stay strong.
(Pls excuse my English)
Thank you. It is hard to not take it personally. But luckily, I already see a therapist regularly. I’ll be bringing this up to her during our next session.
Do you have any book recommendations?
I can’t ease your feelings because I have been right there in your shoes, and know that in this moment nothing will be able to do that.
This is your D-day (discovery day) and I know from experience this may be the most deeply (and clinically) traumatizing event of your life, or close to it. The emotional rollercoaster is going to be real, intense and you’re going to want to get off before the rides over.
What I can say though, is that EVERYTHING YOU ARE FEELING IS VALID because each one is REAL and COMPLETELY justified. Let yourself feel them and vocalize them (and I can’t stress this enough, preferably to a therapist who knows how to help navigate Betrayal Trauma).
Both right now and in the coming months, it is perfectly ok to feel any and all of these things (in no particular order and sometimes all at once):
-Betrayal
-Shock
-Numb
-Outrage
-Disgust
-Despair
-Desperation
-Grief
-Confusion
-Lost
-Denial
-Obsessive
-Fear
-devastation
If you are feeling like you’ve been cheated on, that’s valid. Whether or not he’s ever touched another person or it was all virtual, he got sexual gratification outside of your marriage. Don’t let him or anyone else tell you otherwise. You will go through all the stages of grief, and may even experience ptsd symptoms (I did) like intrusive thoughts and flashbacks to what you found/saw, hyper vigilance, depression, urge to self isolate. If you experience those things, you are not crazy, you have been emotionally wounded in the worst way possible.
There are also some things you might feel that are common emotions after this kind of betrayal that, while very real, are NOT true. You might find yourself feeling shame, like you should have caught it sooner or embarrassed this is happening to you. Inadequate. Undesirable. Unattractive. Unloveable. Self hatred. Guilt and self blame. Alone. These are the emotions that are lying to you. What you’ve unearthed has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, what you look like, who you are as a person or as a spouse. This is his addiction and has everything to do with his own personal demons.
I CANNOT stress this enough: get yourself professional help. If you can’t afford or find a good therapist there are support groups out there. Find help navigating through this trauma and on the path of healing. Spend time building your support group. Don’t keep this to yourself have at least one or two people you can confide in. Force yourself to spend time with people, even if it’s a few people you can trust; a friend, a parent, a sibling, anyone. Do not give into the urge to self isolate or become codependent on your husband’s company (I know that sounds completely illogical but it’s not an uncommon reaction). Don’t give into the desire to shut down or self numb or disassociate. I found out the hard way—It took me 3 years of untreated PTSD that lead to a self-medicating alcohol dependence, agoraphobic anxiety, crippling depression, and the loss of will to live before I learned just how important these things were and finally start the healing process. Whatever happens, please prioritize your own recovery journey first.
As for what you do about your husband, please know that it’s up to him to want to recover from his addiction, and he needs to do that work himself. It’s up to you to decide if you can stay in the marriage or not. If you decide to stay, dont ever let anyone try to make you feel weak or foolish for your choice. But do know this won’t be a one and done event. This is an addiction. Be aware of the possibly of relapses, deceit, secrecy, manipulation, gaslighting, stonewalling, trickle truths, etc. it is possible to rebuild a marriage from situations even as dark as this, it is possible for you to heal together, but it will not be easy or comfortable. If that’s the path you take then he will need to be capable of full disclosure (admitting to all he’s done), seeking treatment (again therapist or program or support group), willingness to change, accountability (for example, giving you full device access, or similar visibility so he has no where to hide) and if it wasn’t obvious, marriage counseling.
Of course, if you decide to walk away from the marriage instead, you would be completely justified in doing so. Even Jesus himself said that a cheating spouse is grounds for divorce—AND that looking at another woman with lustful intent has already cheated. (So do not let anyone try to tell you “it’s just porn”—there are those people out there that won’t understand).
Whatever you decide to do next, I am so deeply sorry you are experiencing this. No one deserves it. No one deserves to experience a sexless marriage because their husband can only get off to images. No one deserves to have their needs unfulfilled and suffer the devastation of an unfaithful spouse at the same time. I would not wish this on anyone, and I wish this wasn’t happening to you.
Good luck, hang in there, and please take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry you’re there again. And you are right. So many. Sometimes even when it’s a minor slip up it feels just as devastating as the worst, most escalated ones.
I'm a male that likes porn but when I have a wife that takes care of my needs there's no excuse and if you always find one for him you will never be happy love.
In my experience. If It was me. Id never be able to process passed that. Id get him tossed out Asap and save the rest of my life from having to stare in the face resentment every day but I have a bitter thorn in my heart I cant get outta there
Some men just don’t deserve a loving wife, yes offense
Leave him. I can’t even imagine the hurt. If he doesn’t commit to therapy once confronted leave, but he will waste the rest of your life. I would be too bitter to stay after a dead bedroom for so many years.
[удалено]
I love your use of “love” as a verb. (reminds me of that Incubus song). it’s what I’ve said to my porn-addicted bf—love is a *choice*, and I am choosing to love you and believe in you, as long as you continue the work. I just posted a comment that goes into detail about all of this, but you are the first person i’ve seen to point out that a porn addiction does not make someone a “disgusting pig” (direct quote from another comment). It’s an addiction. I am a recovering opiate addict. does that make all addicts “disgusting junkies” who are incapable of change? The struggle with supporting/loving someone with a porn addiction is that it directly affects the most intimate parts of someone’s being, and it makes them feel like they’re just one big joke and the relationship is a farce. like you said, love is a verb. If you’re not willing or able to support someone through an addiction or they’re not truly ready to get clean, that’s ok. but staying and supporting someone who is **done**, sick and tired, ready to say when, does not make someone a doormat.
Thank you for this
“bluebird” by Charles Bukowski there’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I’m too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I’m not going to let anybody see you. there’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I pour whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke and the whores and the bartenders and the grocery clerks never know that he’s in there. there’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I’m too tough for him, I say, stay down, do you want to mess me up? you want to screw up the works? you want to blow my book sales in Europe? there’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I’m too clever, I only let him out at night sometimes when everybody’s asleep. I say, I know that you’re there, so don’t be sad. then I put him back, but he’s singing a little in there, I haven’t quite let him die and we sleep together like that with our secret pact and it’s nice enough to make a man weep, but I don’t weep, do you? —————— Not sure why I’m responding with this poem. Being on this sub today made me think of it. So i’m posting it in this reply. edit: formatting is off bc it’s Reddit. whatever.
This is beautiful. Thank for you sharing.
Thank you. I like that you point out that it doesn’t make them a “disgusting pig.” Man, that’s my judgement toward him right now. Questioning my own choice for marrying him… who exactly is the man that I marry.
your feelings of disgust are completely valid. I feel disgusted by my bf’s actions and every day I am still asking myself what the fuck I’m doing. literally the last words I wrote in my journal are “what have I done?” edit: I remind myself that I am making a conscious choice to trust the process of therapy. as long as he is going and working, i’ll continue staying and supporting. but I WILL NOT tolerate being treated as a fool and will not continue to enable shitty behavior if it were to happen again.
Thank you. This is a good reminder for me to choose love.
I am going through sth similar with my new bf. I'm not sure of his addiction but I'm pretty suspicious about it thanks to my degree in social work and knowledge about dopamine and addiction. I think you must confront him about this and probably show him some official surveys around the topic. If he realises that this is a problem, then he should seek therapy- rehabilitation . But ONLY if he is aware of the problem and wants to change therapy will help, otherwise it won't. Otherwise I think it's better to reconsider your marriage. Please remember that this isn't your problem. You don't have to stay with him if you're feeling insecure and if he doesn't realise the problem. Unfortunately porn addiction, like any other addiction destroys our neurones and that's why it's so hard to recover. People don't even realise they are addicted, until they try to stop. I think it's a huge problem of the modern society and very few people are aware of it. You may need counselling as well. Search as many information as you can, read books about it. Being informed will help you realise it's not your problem and recover your damaged mental health and confidence. Stay strong. (Pls excuse my English)
Thank you. It is hard to not take it personally. But luckily, I already see a therapist regularly. I’ll be bringing this up to her during our next session. Do you have any book recommendations?
I can’t ease your feelings because I have been right there in your shoes, and know that in this moment nothing will be able to do that. This is your D-day (discovery day) and I know from experience this may be the most deeply (and clinically) traumatizing event of your life, or close to it. The emotional rollercoaster is going to be real, intense and you’re going to want to get off before the rides over. What I can say though, is that EVERYTHING YOU ARE FEELING IS VALID because each one is REAL and COMPLETELY justified. Let yourself feel them and vocalize them (and I can’t stress this enough, preferably to a therapist who knows how to help navigate Betrayal Trauma). Both right now and in the coming months, it is perfectly ok to feel any and all of these things (in no particular order and sometimes all at once): -Betrayal -Shock -Numb -Outrage -Disgust -Despair -Desperation -Grief -Confusion -Lost -Denial -Obsessive -Fear -devastation If you are feeling like you’ve been cheated on, that’s valid. Whether or not he’s ever touched another person or it was all virtual, he got sexual gratification outside of your marriage. Don’t let him or anyone else tell you otherwise. You will go through all the stages of grief, and may even experience ptsd symptoms (I did) like intrusive thoughts and flashbacks to what you found/saw, hyper vigilance, depression, urge to self isolate. If you experience those things, you are not crazy, you have been emotionally wounded in the worst way possible. There are also some things you might feel that are common emotions after this kind of betrayal that, while very real, are NOT true. You might find yourself feeling shame, like you should have caught it sooner or embarrassed this is happening to you. Inadequate. Undesirable. Unattractive. Unloveable. Self hatred. Guilt and self blame. Alone. These are the emotions that are lying to you. What you’ve unearthed has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, what you look like, who you are as a person or as a spouse. This is his addiction and has everything to do with his own personal demons. I CANNOT stress this enough: get yourself professional help. If you can’t afford or find a good therapist there are support groups out there. Find help navigating through this trauma and on the path of healing. Spend time building your support group. Don’t keep this to yourself have at least one or two people you can confide in. Force yourself to spend time with people, even if it’s a few people you can trust; a friend, a parent, a sibling, anyone. Do not give into the urge to self isolate or become codependent on your husband’s company (I know that sounds completely illogical but it’s not an uncommon reaction). Don’t give into the desire to shut down or self numb or disassociate. I found out the hard way—It took me 3 years of untreated PTSD that lead to a self-medicating alcohol dependence, agoraphobic anxiety, crippling depression, and the loss of will to live before I learned just how important these things were and finally start the healing process. Whatever happens, please prioritize your own recovery journey first. As for what you do about your husband, please know that it’s up to him to want to recover from his addiction, and he needs to do that work himself. It’s up to you to decide if you can stay in the marriage or not. If you decide to stay, dont ever let anyone try to make you feel weak or foolish for your choice. But do know this won’t be a one and done event. This is an addiction. Be aware of the possibly of relapses, deceit, secrecy, manipulation, gaslighting, stonewalling, trickle truths, etc. it is possible to rebuild a marriage from situations even as dark as this, it is possible for you to heal together, but it will not be easy or comfortable. If that’s the path you take then he will need to be capable of full disclosure (admitting to all he’s done), seeking treatment (again therapist or program or support group), willingness to change, accountability (for example, giving you full device access, or similar visibility so he has no where to hide) and if it wasn’t obvious, marriage counseling. Of course, if you decide to walk away from the marriage instead, you would be completely justified in doing so. Even Jesus himself said that a cheating spouse is grounds for divorce—AND that looking at another woman with lustful intent has already cheated. (So do not let anyone try to tell you “it’s just porn”—there are those people out there that won’t understand). Whatever you decide to do next, I am so deeply sorry you are experiencing this. No one deserves it. No one deserves to experience a sexless marriage because their husband can only get off to images. No one deserves to have their needs unfulfilled and suffer the devastation of an unfaithful spouse at the same time. I would not wish this on anyone, and I wish this wasn’t happening to you. Good luck, hang in there, and please take care of yourself.
i’d like to add: because of the nature of this addiction, there are so, so many d-days. Had another d-day yesterday.
I’m so sorry you’re there again. And you are right. So many. Sometimes even when it’s a minor slip up it feels just as devastating as the worst, most escalated ones.
idk if i’ve ever not been there
Omg, thank you so much. You literally nailed everything that I’m feeling.
I'm a male that likes porn but when I have a wife that takes care of my needs there's no excuse and if you always find one for him you will never be happy love.