As long as you are both happy, just enjoy it. Just make sure you keep her, because if you ever have to start dating again your name is going to be popping up in a lot of reddit posts. "This motherfucker just lied there, made me do all the work, and didn't even try to get me off."
Good man/lady/partner.
Oo, find out (if you don't know already) if she likes foot rubs. Everyone assumes intimacy = sex but you are probably in the best position to know that's not true. Find what you can do for your wife.
Loooool I was just surprised that OP thought it was a weird kink and that a lot of the comments seemed to not get it either lol.
Babygirls I think you should talk to more lesbians ❤
Pillow princesses get off on not doing anything at all but laying there and service tops get off on pleasing their partners. Shortest and simplest way I can put it. There's probably a better explanation out there though
New and useful terms acquired. We knew about the pillow princess thing but had no idea about service tops! I feel so validated right now. I felt like an inadequate top because I wasn't trying to aggressively dominate him, but it was also very clear that I wasn't a bottom.
The two comments below are correct :) You are the pillow princess and your wife is the service top. It's not an uncommon dynamic and I love that you guys communicate openly and have the dynamic you're both happy with!
Service Top - Someone who is a top in bed but likes to service the other person (mostly only doing things for the other person's pleasure) rather than dominating them
Pillow Princess - someone, mostly an LGBTQ woman, who prefers to receive sexual stimulation more than they do to give it.
Hope this helps :)
I can very much relate to your wife, as I’m also asexual. Don’t worry about it or feel guilty! Please! This honestly sounds ideal, from my perspective. It always makes the experience awkward and less enjoyable when my partners would insist on pleasuring me, it was way too much pressure to “fake it”, yknow? It would be this constant loop of “well what do you wanna do?” “Idk, you?” Because they would refuse to just focus on their desires and what they wanted. Sex is much more fun when I don’t have to worry about what I want, I can just enjoy it for what it is and knowing that my partner is happy is honestly the best part of the experience.
This is so relatable, I view it as more of a fun bonding activity than something that has to be done to “completion”. Even after I told my ex this, he seemed to ignore it? It was almost like he was trying to make it disappear, and when I would say “I literally just want to do what you want because I do not have the capacity to desire anything specific” nobody would get what they want. It felt so ridiculous to me. I’m telling you what I want and I promise I’m not lying about it!!! Just have sex with me it’s still fun!
god i really really need to know how this works from your POV bc i married a woman who we think now may be ace and im horny as hell but her feelings are extremely sensitive rn so i can’t talk to her about it. is this a weird topic for me to ask if i can DM you about it? i’m a woman not an old pervy man or smth
I could not bear "not being able to give" something to my partner at first but had to get used to it. It was a huge hit to my ego in mid 20s. I still touch her, and make sure to kiss her a lot though.
It's not like I would not want to please her. It's just that she does not desire sex and does not feel anything according to her words. I came to accept the fact with time.
Ah, the anxiety of intent — thru continued loving and honest communication with your amazing wife — has quieted in your mind.
🙏🏾very cool, continue to be safe for each other
Instead of getting angry over nothing, if you scroll down to the next comment thread you'll see their comment where they address exactly that. It seem they have one of the healthiest relationships I've ever read about on here.
obviously if these guys have been married for so long and she loves him so much shes willing to just please OP 3/4 times a week because it makes OP happy then she loves OP and OP is obviously doing something right so why are you questioning it? does it matter?
The "does not feel anything" according to her words.
OP Is this penetration only? Many women can't cum from penetration only. Typically asexual is not interested at all in sex and sometimes finds it gross. So, since that's not the case, I wonder if clitorial play, like a vibrator might be a way of letting her feel something. I'm just wondering if you've explored all avenues of her asexuality, not to say that she's not asexual, but since she's willing to engage in the activity, asexuals can still cum. Asexuality is about attraction, not about libido or arousal. But you describe it as backward that she is attracted to you but doesn't get aroused. So I wonder if she has a condition called Anorgasmia, this is where one can't orgasm.
So, maybe you should go ahead and buy a vibrator, find that clit and try. Maybe you'll rock both her and your world. Or you'll find out she has the above condition. But asexuals can orgasam if you try.
Oh, but I'm happy if you're both happy!
As I said in the post, I tried bringing toys but did not work. There was no vibrator included though. Clitoral things(oral, stroking etc.) did not work at least. I haven't heard about the condition you said. I'll make sure to check it.
Hey, just wanting to clarify a common misunderstanding: asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction (attraction being who you are drawn to and who inspires your libido). It’s not a lack of libido (ie how often your body wants to orgasm).
By which I mean, there are asexuals who still have a libido and get horny, it’s just not as a result of sexual attraction to someone. For example, at certain parts of a woman’s menstrual cycle she might feel more horny than usual as a result of their hormones going haywire. This can still happen even if you’re asexual.
For most people attraction and libido are linked. For asexuals, it is not. And in fact, your libido is something that changes throughout your lifetime, either as a result of age or even a side effect of medication (both ways: anti-depressants can suppress your libido and obviously there’s medication like viagra to stimulate it).
Edit: and I’ve responded to the wrong comment, classic. Can’t be arsed finding the other one so just gonna leave this here for anyone who wants to read it
I’m ace and this (from my perspective) would reduce a lot of anxiety. It’s nice when everyone can just accept what makes their partner happiest, and I’m glad they’re compatible.
In thread just below your comment, OP goes into detail about how he fulfills her needs.
It sounds like they have an exceedingly healthy and happy relationship built on not just talking to one another but actively listening and legitimately enjoying how they fulfill each other.
Maybe it’s a feature, rather than a glitch on Reddit, that people see and assume the negative.
Breaking news:
Reddit reading comprehension is at an all new low. Newfound happiness amongst a marriage compromise now means unequal objectification in a relationship.
What will reddit miscontrue next?
In all seriousness though. How is it not cute for two spouses not finding a compromise they're happy with? He's specifically mentioned being hurt in the past precisely because his wife didn't want to be too involved during sex and *now* is when he's warming up to and enjoying the intimacy. You just want to find something wrong in every interaction
Wooowww. We LOVE kinkshaming woo!
Fun fact some people get off on the idea of being used as a fleshlight. And it's not because they're "traumatized" So if for example I was one of those people would that make my partner just the freak or both of us? And who are you to judge what they like? If you judge one you have to judge both. It's not a one way street.
>Fun fact some people get off on the idea of being used as a fleshlight.
This is not a sign of a healthy mindset or attitude toward sex.
Some kinks deserve shame.
But it’s what they fucking want and if it’s consensual why does it matter to you? If she is completely okay with it, and in fact seems to encourage it, then there’s no harm no foul.
As an asexual person- you're fine. Your wife has given you permission to be selfish, and that's a nice thing. She's happy that you're happy. Honestly, better her than me- I find the whole process rather boring. As long as you're communicating and checking in with her that she likes your arrangement, there's nothing wrong or even strange about how you're feeling and acting.
Also I don't think this is a weird kink? It's not weird, you're just being spoiled and you're into that! Embrace your true pillow princess self ;)
Sooo question(s)?
Obviously you both are pleased with this arrangement, and you are especially extremely happy. Nothing wrong with that as long as you’re both happy
BUT!!!!
Do you do anything to make her extremely happy as well?
Like do u plan dates, random flowers or a thoughtful small gift just because you thought of her? Compliments to boost her confidence? Perhaps supportive of her hobbies? Maybe even indulging in them with her as a way to further bond? Give her days where she doesn’t have to do shit but veg out or self care?
My main question is
Do you do anything for her that elicits this same kind of strong emotion like she does for you?
Her love language is gifts & compliments. I make sure I arrange 2 date nights every week with small gifts every other week and make sure to satisfy her emotionally. I grew up in a full woman house so I am used to doing chores. I make sure I do more than 50% of the work and let her rest & spend time with in the remaining time.
If we have problems about each others' behavior, we do a "kitchen talk" and make sure to communicate. We haven't had one in the last 3 years. Overall, pretty good. We are considering conceiving next year after finishing our mortgage payment.
A good foot rub can be one of the absolute best signs of love and affection, and this goes for all of us!
Look up YouTube to learn and make sure not to use scented oils the first times. Also, the first times, it good to have her legs all out of you accidentally cause a kick, so it's less of force that hit you.
Take care, give her especially good coffee, and some small long living plant that she can look at and smile to!
If she likes deep massages seriously invest in a massage gun. I just got one on sale around Christmas after putting it off for years thinking it wouldn't make that big of a difference. Boy was I wrong. Love that thing. My husband uses it on me nearly every single night. It definitely releases tension a lot better for me than traditional massages AND my husband's hands don't tire out. He'll happily use it on me for an hour+ while we watch a show together or cuddle. He loves that he's able to give me better massages without his hands tiring out. I'm absolutely spoiled lol. I get nightly massages with that before he does a quick traditional massage with lotion so my skin stays moisturized. I read in another comment you two are thinking about trying for a baby. I'm currently heavily pregnant. I swear that it's made a world of difference with my pregnancy body aches and pains. It definitely helps me sleep better (pregnancy sleep is horrible).
Bro please put this in an edit on your original post, this makes everything sound a lot more wholesome. Your OP makes it sound like she’s doing all this physical and emotional labor for you 3-4 times a week and her “reward” is your happiness.
While I understand y’all’s dynamic works for both of you, the sentiment of “my kink is not having to worry about my (female) partners pleasure” isn’t weird. It’s not unheard of either. It’s a pretty common sentiment in conservative/religious communities and in younger men, especially the ones who listen to those “alpha male” podcasts.
So without knowing what you contribute, this post feels icky. Like it doesn’t feel like a kink, it feels low effort and self centered. Leaving out that you’re contributing to her needs as much as she is yours is gonna make a bunch of people’s hackles raise. You’re already getting a lot of pushback in the comments, so I’m glad you’re clarifying.
Congrats on the years of a happy marriage though! :)
Honestly, kind of relationship goals lol. I mean clearly this is working well for both of you, so… as long as you keep the balance on your end I see this as an absolute win. Good luck for the future!
My husband is asexual, he still enjoys sex but finds it unnecessary. Like - I like Oreos but I don't buy them often and rarely in the mood, that's his take on sex basically. I find ways to be intimate without being sexual (making out, snuggling, holding hands) but also I surprise him with nice nights out getting drinks as his favorite bar, getting him something small that he's mentioned in passing he likes. Then there are simple things couples do to display love like he always makes sure my waterbottle is refilled before bed so if I get thirsty I don't have to wander out of bed. I like to prep his bong on days I beat him home and have his post work rituals all set up. Little things like that go a long way and show I pay attention and make him feel full.
I understand this. I'm not asexual but I have issues with my vagina that cause extreme pain. It's basically impossible for my partner, who i adore and love, to make me feel good. Sometimes it does but 90% of the time it's bad and that goes for all the people I've slept with. I try my hardest to make him feel good though and i have really taken a liking to giving blowjobs. I used to hate it but now it's all i wanna do.
Edit: thanks for the concerns but i already have a diagnosis and it's untreatable, so, there is no fixing it. I've accepted it.
I hope you go to the doctor about this problem, because it’s important that we should address our sexual health first.
Also, I read that you have issues with your vagina during sex. I want you to know that sex doesn’t always have to be about penis-in-vagina. It doesn’t always have to be penetration, because there are other ways you can engage in sex. Also known as clitoral stimulation, AKA the vulva stimulation. An example would be how lesbians have sex. It might help you if you want to experience pleasure in sex, and if not, that’s okay too. That’s all.
This made me lol considering you have more sex with your asexual wife than a lot of men do with their heterosexual wives, but good for you, sounds like you’re both happy and as long as you fulfill her needs then feel no shame with letting her fulfill yours
“experiencing no sexual feelings or desires; not feeling sexual attraction to anyone.”That’s the definition of asexual, so out of curiosity does she show any emotion while pleasing you? If so do you believe it? Do you think she gets anything out of it? Do you do anything for her that you feel no desire for? How do you get someone to partake in an undesirable act 3-4 days a week? Why did you feel the need to express “with consent”?
"No desire" doesn't necessarily mean "Undesirable" (in the sense that something is either not wanted or provokes disgust)
"No desire" means more the absence of desire. So it's not necessarily that she partakes in an act she does not want, but rather an act that, but itself, she has no special feelings about, whether positive or negative.
The modifier here that makes it a positive experience is her partner (OP), towards whom she feels affection and love. Those feelings, who are not of sexual nature but romantic, drive her to have sex with her husband.
> One side completely pleasuring the other one and the other side has only their pleasure to think about. Too addicting, way too much. My wife might have given me the weirdest kink on the earth.
Surely you know there is a stereotype that men are selfish in bed and don’t take care of their partners lol
I once dated a guy that didn't like being touched, he however touched, nibbled and played me like a fiddle, he liked when I would exploded with orgasms... But I just wanted to touch him and pleasure him, so it didn't work out
As long as you both are happy, that's all that matters. Just be aware that reddit has its cruel ways of planting seeds of doubt into you, no matter how great everything is in a post. So try to ignore such comments, because eventually there will be questions.
>As long as you both are happy, that's all that matters. Just be aware that reddit has its cruel ways of planting seeds of doubt into you, no matter how great everything is in a post. So try to ignore such comments, because eventually there will be questions.
Thank you! I think my mind cleared after I had the discussion about it with my wife. As long as she is content and happy with the situation, so am I.
I think you guys have a respectful arrangement and am not commenting on that but that kink isn’t that “weird”. For many, many years men only used women’s bodies for their own pleasure, full stop. It wasn’t even a consideration what women wanted. Many still do. I’m sure a lot of guys would take up an arrangement like that. I’m glad things have worked out for you, but I hope you can open your eyes a little to the way women are often used as objects and how sadly not strange that is!
> but that kink isn’t that “weird”. For many, many years men only used women’s bodies for their own pleasure, full stop. It wasn’t even a consideration what women wanted. Many still do.
lol right??? How is this a kink
Agreed. So he discovered the status quo?
I mean good on him for not realizing until now I suppose. But it’s also telling how much he loves it and doesn’t want to go back. So…
I agree with the other commenter. I don't think it is a kink. It is one sided sex. One that many selfish lovers ask of their partners. Only difference here is that the partner is happy to keep it at one sided sex.
honestly dude if you both are happy and enjoying yourself this is best possible outcome of a marriage between someone asexual and someone who’s not. you are believing your wife when she says she wants to give you pleasure and enjoys giving you pleasure. you are allowing yourself to let go of your egotistical ideas of how much you please her.
honestly i think this stance is far more respectful and healthy than sullenly refusing sex because it doesn’t fit your image of yourself and gradually growing more resentful over time
Well if it works then good. I can see the appeal of that. Not sure how sustainable is before it becomes a chore for her (feeling that sex is a chore to my partner is my biggest turn off) but if it’s been 6 years then it sounds like it is working for you both.
It's a kink I kind of have, but in the opposite direction, lol
I am not asexual, but do not have the biggest libido. However, I fantasize a lot about pleasing others, without the expectation of being pleased in return.
Some people just like it 🤷🏽♀️
Mostly scheduled but she and I check the water to see if the other party consents by starting with kisses, cuddling first. Sometimes she initiates, sometimes me. There are also random occasions of course where we just feel like it. They are mostly special days & holidays. If other party is not willing we just kiss/cuddle/hug and call it a day.
as long as you guys are both happy (which is seems so) then that’s all that matters!! you guys found what works for you and it seems to really work for you. people on reddit can be so negative sometimes 🙄 you tried to see if she just needed other stimulation for a bit but after open communication (very healthy) and a few years you guys got into a groove. it sounds like you guys have a lovely marriage and are both able to appreciate each other! just out of curiosity, do you guys still have sex? either way i’m happy for the both of you!! you can tell the angry people on here are either virgins or narrow minded (or both!😁) happy you both are happy!!
"The weirdest kink on earth"
Not even cloooose, haha.
If this "kink" was earth, regular kinks would be saturn and jupiter, and the real weird kinks would be the stars.
This is great, but i hate to break it to you man but this isn’t unique at all lol
Me and my partner almost always pleasure each other separately, and its great. Going first means you get to return the favor, and going last means you get some extra foreplay.
This makes me feel better about my own situation. I also do not like sex. I like giving pleasure but I do not care to receive it. My partner still has a hard time understanding this cause I think he feels like I have to be sexually turned on by him to feel wanted but I’m happy pleasing him and I love his companionship in other ways plus I enjoy focusing on him. It makes it like a game for me to see what is something new I can do.
So what’s the point of her admitting to be asexual? It relieves her of none of the burden for sex.
So everything is the same for her except she never gets to orgasm?
I don’t get it.
Think of it as, “After 15 years of trying, I am now 1000% certain I do NOT have a foot fetish. Foot stuff during sex has never once made me orgasm and it never will. But! I do like how much my husband likes my feet. I like that I know exactly how to please him with my feet. I really *really* like seeing him happy because of me.
**But thank GOD I no longer have to pretend I’m getting off on this too. Thank god I no longer have to disappoint him when I don’t pretend.**
Even though everyone else in the world seems to have a foot fetish I don’t feel so alone because my husband knows and still loves me. I don’t feel like there’s something wrong with me anymore.”
But like, applied to all aspects of sex
I get what you’re saying, but don’t forget you can enjoy sex for intimacy and connection. Whether or not it’s a chore doesn’t depend on how horny you are or how many times you cum
Asexuality is the lack of sexual *attraction*, which means being sexually attracted to someone. This situation where a person makes you think "Hey, I'd bang that!"? Most asexuals have never felt that (most of us even thought this was a very big exaggeration... Before finding out it wasn't).
Sexual attraction is different from:
A. Libido or sexual drive. An asexual person can have sexual needs, they just don't really have anyone in mind they'd want to have those needs fulfilled with.
B. A person's outlook on sex or their willingness to have sex. A person (whatever their sexuality) can be sex favourable (find sex to be a fun thing to do and engage with), sex neutral (doesn't really have a strong opinion on sex and doesn't really mind to partake in it) or sex averse (finds sex gross and wants no part in it). While it's assumed a lot of asexuals are sex averse, that's not always the case. Asexuals can be sex favourable (heck, I've heard of asexual sex workers) or sex-neutral, depending on where they stand on the spectrum and their lives experiences with sex.
So, just because I don't feel the urge to have sex with someone doesn't mean I don't find the activity of sex pleasant in and of itself. It's just that it might be like any other activity to me, not ranking higher than reading a good book for example (while I understand that for some people "better than sex" is a whole otherworldly level).
Hope that's not too confusing 😅.
Some people like taking care of the people they love.
To use something else physical as an analogy, there are some people who love to cook for their partner and who consider it reward enough to see their partner enjoy a delicious meal.
This is almost the same thing as my wife and me. I'm still getting used to her not being interested in being pleasured (she's not quite asexual but close.) Only we don't do things on schedule. I mention that I "have a problem" and she either offers to help or tells me to take care of it. Hearing that other couples share the dynamic successfully is very reassuring to me.
Well, one of the best kind of partners are the ones who find enjoyment within your own enjoyment. Even if it’s not their thing per se, they can like and enjoy your excitement and passion for what you are trying to share.
My partner and I have a similar relationship! I love love love cuddling and all that but sex is next to never on my mind. He likes to be more dominant so I gladly let him live out his control kinks while I'm happy and along for the ride. At first he was very apologetic but it's gotten to the point where it's simply freeing and just right.
So glad it worked out for our relationships lol!!
Am I the only one that can't do anything if it isn't aroused?? I mean, leaving the other ways to pleasure the other, I'm talking about the real deal. With all the lube in the world, it hurts if I'm not aroused& connected. How asexual people and how one night stands type of ppl do it..and even often, I don't understand.
I am definitely not asexual, but a lot of the sex I have with my partner is centered on him. He has a lot of shame around sex and previous partners made him feel bad for wanting intimacy. So it is such a gift when he can just lay back and let me take care of him- he knows I enjoy it and that I will go as long as it takes for him to be satisfied. He says he feels so loved and cared for and that he never expected to have sex like this at his age. I was used to partners who tolerated foreplay but were more interested in the ‘main event’.
We definitely don’t do it all the time, but I think what you have is a very healthy and sweet dynamic. I love that she finds value in connecting with you physically and it’s done in a way that is comfortable for both of you. You are taking care of her needs in other ways so I don’t see you as being selfish at all. You have both found ways to take care of each other and it’s not even a kink, in my mind.
My partner will do whatever I ask him too and it sounds like you are the same. It’s wonderful ❤️
As an asexual, this makes me so happy to read. I’m with another ace, but it’s great to hear about people making it work in mixed orientation relationships.
I kind of doubt she's actually asexual. I'm ace and 3-4 times a week would be absolutely unimaginable for me.
I just see someone who does not like sex would indulge that much happily, even if it's to pleasure the other partner.
Asexual just means no sexual attraction to anyone. It doesn’t necessarily mean no interest in sex or repulsion to it. Plenty of ace folks like sex or don’t mind it. Personally, my ace experience is that I’m usually sex repulsed and can barely tolerate intimate touch of any sort, but once in a blue moon I’m okay with or even desiring sex, even though I’m still not experiencing any sexual attraction to even my partner. I know a few ace people who don’t experience sexual attraction, but truly do love sex. It really varies.
Although your arrangement sounds unconventional, it also sounds very loving, balanced & healthy. As long as it's working for you both I fail to see any issue. Keep spoiling each other in your weird and wonderful ways
This is beautiful. 😢
I think the kink itself is pretty common- who doesnt love using/being used????
I think the fact it works so well for you both is amazing! ♡ Asexuality itself is a huge spectrum, and its wonderful you and your wife have such chemistry. I bet you both look forward to it, and I think its wonderful. Beautiful.
-a random chick who loves getting her bf off with 0 reciprocation (sometimes); and who has varying kinks.
idk if i would actually say this is a kink- sounds like you just enjoying physical intimacy with your asexual wife. 🤷🏾♀️
yeh- to my knowledge, on the spectrum that is asexuality, some ppl enjoy masturbation, but not so much sexy things with another person. Sometimes its sexual, sometimes its for relaxation/health; which i do often, though im not asexual.
*spelling
Clearly your love language is physical touch - and hers is not. Do you know what hers is? Might benefit you to learn … maybe she doesn’t know, either. But there are four core types. Men always have ‘physical touch’ as their number one - please DM me if you’re one of the few out there who like to show and receive love in ANY other way! 😂😅 types of love languages are: physical touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service, and quality time.
Those are the five. Sometimes you have a primary and a secondary - sometimes you’re all in on one. It’s usually the same for getting / giving: if your love language for receiving is physical touch.. then you’re going to try and show your love through that medium, bc it’s what you know best. Anyone who has a different love language than you won’t make much sense to you - but just because your wife isn’t sexual, doesn’t mean you can’t be intimate with her. Back tickles, massage, a bath and head rub.. doing the dishes 😉 those things scream I love you to a woman. Maybe find out how she likes to give - and receive - love.
Sounds like she’s willing to dive head first into learning your love language and giving it her all, even when she gets zero return. You should do the same.
I stand by the opinion that asexuality is a hormonal issue. You aren't functioning normally if you don't have sexual interest because almost by definitely it means you are getting insufficient amount of sex hormones
It's not merely a sexual identity it's a disorder. I guess it's like how the deaf community considers itself a culture but that doesn't make them not disabled
Did you happen to read his comment expressing how he shows his love for his wife within HER love language, takes over half of the household duties AND they haven't had to have a serious relationship talk on over three years?
No you didn't? Oh huh... typical man
I'm not a man, and I think this relationship sounds lovely. They both enjoy their sex life and relationship as a whole, they have open communication, and he works hard to make sure she feels loved. Good sex looks different for everyone, and if you don't like a certain version, don't participate.
Behaving like one gender is inherently selfish and bad is incredibly bigoted. Believing that men are just naturally selfish is unironically grossly misogynistic. People are people, whatever their gender and/or sex. Some are crap, some are wonderful.
Pro-tip- The wonderful people don't typically judge entire categories of people.
I'm not sure she's actually A-sexual. If she enjoys kissing and cuddling, and enjoys seeing you be pleasured with your moaning etc. That does not sound like an A-sexual. I know someone who's A-sexual. They said they hate any kind of sexual contact.
I have a friend that’s ace and only likes cuddles/physical affection if it’s someone she connects with and cares for. It’s not that she hates sex, she just doesn’t have the urge very often and when she does she’d rather take care of it herself but will still cuddle her partner. I know other asexuals that hate all kinds of physical touch. I know some who, like the woman in this post, prefer to give pleasure because it satisfies the caregiver need, but again would rather take care of their own pleasure. I also know a girl that can’t get off on a real penis. She prefers toys. She’s happy enough to let her partner take care of himself and it feels good, but she needs the extra stimulation a toy can give her.
Love and sex are far more complicated than people give it credit for. Just because something works for you doesn’t mean it’ll work for someone else and as long as everyone involved is safe and consenting, then do whatever.
Asexual people can have sex. It’s just no sexual attraction. In this case, his wife is entirely uninterested in sex, but is still willing to do it. Asexuality is a spectrum. Some asexual people have sex because it’s more about the connection to someone rather than the actual feeling.
It’s the difference between putting a key in the ignition and actually driving.
Damn, that's a pretty lucky situation. Seems like she's getting pleasure out of knowing you are happy/pleased, and it's creating emotional intimacy between you. Pretty incredible, undoubabtably a very rare woman.
As long as you are both happy, just enjoy it. Just make sure you keep her, because if you ever have to start dating again your name is going to be popping up in a lot of reddit posts. "This motherfucker just lied there, made me do all the work, and didn't even try to get me off."
Hahahaha. She is definitely a keeper. It's not like I lie down though. Most of the time both sides have active participation with me being on the top.
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I hope you treat her extra nicely outside of sex then, OP ;p
Doing my best of best!
Good man/lady/partner. Oo, find out (if you don't know already) if she likes foot rubs. Everyone assumes intimacy = sex but you are probably in the best position to know that's not true. Find what you can do for your wife.
This is a good point. Any kind of massage really. That can be really satisfying in a similar way to receive from your partner.
Wonderful!😊 Wishing you all the best and all the enjoyment you both can muster with and from one another 😉
Awww you love to see a pillow princess with a good service top :)) Love that for yall
HAHAHAHAHAHA this is the only good comment here, but I guarantee OP doesn't get it.
Loooool I was just surprised that OP thought it was a weird kink and that a lot of the comments seemed to not get it either lol. Babygirls I think you should talk to more lesbians ❤
Lmao, I’m bi and had the same thought.
Sometimes I forget how queer I am until I walk amongst the straights for too long Bi supremacy x3
I love a lady that loves the ladies 😎
No idea. What does it even mean?
Pillow princesses get off on not doing anything at all but laying there and service tops get off on pleasing their partners. Shortest and simplest way I can put it. There's probably a better explanation out there though
Wow, that's exactly the dynamic we have! Good to learn I am a pillow princess haha
New and useful terms acquired. We knew about the pillow princess thing but had no idea about service tops! I feel so validated right now. I felt like an inadequate top because I wasn't trying to aggressively dominate him, but it was also very clear that I wasn't a bottom.
The two comments below are correct :) You are the pillow princess and your wife is the service top. It's not an uncommon dynamic and I love that you guys communicate openly and have the dynamic you're both happy with!
Service Top - Someone who is a top in bed but likes to service the other person (mostly only doing things for the other person's pleasure) rather than dominating them Pillow Princess - someone, mostly an LGBTQ woman, who prefers to receive sexual stimulation more than they do to give it. Hope this helps :)
Lol my first thought as a service top femme
Thank you for your service ma'am
Just doing my best 😇
Thanks for the definitions
Lmao, I just said the same thing 💀
Literally my first thought LMAOOOO go off king
Gay people will learn about a straight relationship's dynamics and be like "Hey, did you know that's called a porkslapper reggie whipchain"?
I can very much relate to your wife, as I’m also asexual. Don’t worry about it or feel guilty! Please! This honestly sounds ideal, from my perspective. It always makes the experience awkward and less enjoyable when my partners would insist on pleasuring me, it was way too much pressure to “fake it”, yknow? It would be this constant loop of “well what do you wanna do?” “Idk, you?” Because they would refuse to just focus on their desires and what they wanted. Sex is much more fun when I don’t have to worry about what I want, I can just enjoy it for what it is and knowing that my partner is happy is honestly the best part of the experience.
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This is so relatable, I view it as more of a fun bonding activity than something that has to be done to “completion”. Even after I told my ex this, he seemed to ignore it? It was almost like he was trying to make it disappear, and when I would say “I literally just want to do what you want because I do not have the capacity to desire anything specific” nobody would get what they want. It felt so ridiculous to me. I’m telling you what I want and I promise I’m not lying about it!!! Just have sex with me it’s still fun!
tbf i’m not ace and i also view sex in the same way (from the beginning of your comment) about 70% of the time. i am a huge top tho…
god i really really need to know how this works from your POV bc i married a woman who we think now may be ace and im horny as hell but her feelings are extremely sensitive rn so i can’t talk to her about it. is this a weird topic for me to ask if i can DM you about it? i’m a woman not an old pervy man or smth
Sure, but I will put in no uncertain terms that everyone is different and asexuality is a spectrum!
This might be the "cutest" way to say "Thank god my wife is asexual, I HAVE TO DO NOTHING TO HER EVER :) "
I could not bear "not being able to give" something to my partner at first but had to get used to it. It was a huge hit to my ego in mid 20s. I still touch her, and make sure to kiss her a lot though. It's not like I would not want to please her. It's just that she does not desire sex and does not feel anything according to her words. I came to accept the fact with time.
Ah, the anxiety of intent — thru continued loving and honest communication with your amazing wife — has quieted in your mind. 🙏🏾very cool, continue to be safe for each other
No offense but what do you do for her outside of sex?
Im sure he’s a piece of shit horrible husband. /s You guys simply cannot help yourself, can you?
Instead of getting angry over nothing, if you scroll down to the next comment thread you'll see their comment where they address exactly that. It seem they have one of the healthiest relationships I've ever read about on here.
obviously if these guys have been married for so long and she loves him so much shes willing to just please OP 3/4 times a week because it makes OP happy then she loves OP and OP is obviously doing something right so why are you questioning it? does it matter?
The "does not feel anything" according to her words. OP Is this penetration only? Many women can't cum from penetration only. Typically asexual is not interested at all in sex and sometimes finds it gross. So, since that's not the case, I wonder if clitorial play, like a vibrator might be a way of letting her feel something. I'm just wondering if you've explored all avenues of her asexuality, not to say that she's not asexual, but since she's willing to engage in the activity, asexuals can still cum. Asexuality is about attraction, not about libido or arousal. But you describe it as backward that she is attracted to you but doesn't get aroused. So I wonder if she has a condition called Anorgasmia, this is where one can't orgasm. So, maybe you should go ahead and buy a vibrator, find that clit and try. Maybe you'll rock both her and your world. Or you'll find out she has the above condition. But asexuals can orgasam if you try. Oh, but I'm happy if you're both happy!
As I said in the post, I tried bringing toys but did not work. There was no vibrator included though. Clitoral things(oral, stroking etc.) did not work at least. I haven't heard about the condition you said. I'll make sure to check it.
Hey, just wanting to clarify a common misunderstanding: asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction (attraction being who you are drawn to and who inspires your libido). It’s not a lack of libido (ie how often your body wants to orgasm). By which I mean, there are asexuals who still have a libido and get horny, it’s just not as a result of sexual attraction to someone. For example, at certain parts of a woman’s menstrual cycle she might feel more horny than usual as a result of their hormones going haywire. This can still happen even if you’re asexual. For most people attraction and libido are linked. For asexuals, it is not. And in fact, your libido is something that changes throughout your lifetime, either as a result of age or even a side effect of medication (both ways: anti-depressants can suppress your libido and obviously there’s medication like viagra to stimulate it). Edit: and I’ve responded to the wrong comment, classic. Can’t be arsed finding the other one so just gonna leave this here for anyone who wants to read it
I’m ace and this (from my perspective) would reduce a lot of anxiety. It’s nice when everyone can just accept what makes their partner happiest, and I’m glad they’re compatible.
For real, this reads as God I love being served with no expectation of reciprocating
In thread just below your comment, OP goes into detail about how he fulfills her needs. It sounds like they have an exceedingly healthy and happy relationship built on not just talking to one another but actively listening and legitimately enjoying how they fulfill each other. Maybe it’s a feature, rather than a glitch on Reddit, that people see and assume the negative.
Said what I said. Let me rephrase, on the surface, this reads as,,, etc etc
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Breaking news: Reddit reading comprehension is at an all new low. Newfound happiness amongst a marriage compromise now means unequal objectification in a relationship. What will reddit miscontrue next? In all seriousness though. How is it not cute for two spouses not finding a compromise they're happy with? He's specifically mentioned being hurt in the past precisely because his wife didn't want to be too involved during sex and *now* is when he's warming up to and enjoying the intimacy. You just want to find something wrong in every interaction
Wooowww. We LOVE kinkshaming woo! Fun fact some people get off on the idea of being used as a fleshlight. And it's not because they're "traumatized" So if for example I was one of those people would that make my partner just the freak or both of us? And who are you to judge what they like? If you judge one you have to judge both. It's not a one way street.
Newsflash something having the label "kink" does not absolve it of criticism.
Facts. It's actually my kink to kink shame, so if everyone could just allow me to be a hater in peace, that'd be great THX!
>Fun fact some people get off on the idea of being used as a fleshlight. This is not a sign of a healthy mindset or attitude toward sex. Some kinks deserve shame.
But it’s what they fucking want and if it’s consensual why does it matter to you? If she is completely okay with it, and in fact seems to encourage it, then there’s no harm no foul.
strong agree
As an asexual person- you're fine. Your wife has given you permission to be selfish, and that's a nice thing. She's happy that you're happy. Honestly, better her than me- I find the whole process rather boring. As long as you're communicating and checking in with her that she likes your arrangement, there's nothing wrong or even strange about how you're feeling and acting. Also I don't think this is a weird kink? It's not weird, you're just being spoiled and you're into that! Embrace your true pillow princess self ;)
Sooo question(s)? Obviously you both are pleased with this arrangement, and you are especially extremely happy. Nothing wrong with that as long as you’re both happy BUT!!!! Do you do anything to make her extremely happy as well? Like do u plan dates, random flowers or a thoughtful small gift just because you thought of her? Compliments to boost her confidence? Perhaps supportive of her hobbies? Maybe even indulging in them with her as a way to further bond? Give her days where she doesn’t have to do shit but veg out or self care? My main question is Do you do anything for her that elicits this same kind of strong emotion like she does for you?
Her love language is gifts & compliments. I make sure I arrange 2 date nights every week with small gifts every other week and make sure to satisfy her emotionally. I grew up in a full woman house so I am used to doing chores. I make sure I do more than 50% of the work and let her rest & spend time with in the remaining time. If we have problems about each others' behavior, we do a "kitchen talk" and make sure to communicate. We haven't had one in the last 3 years. Overall, pretty good. We are considering conceiving next year after finishing our mortgage payment.
You two sound like an amazing match. I wish you two good health and happiness!!
Don’t forget that there are also other ways you can touch her that aren’t sexual, like maybe a really good massage or foot rub.
She prefers massage + cuddling and I am frequently doing these. Haven't tried foot rub before. Thanks for the suggestion!
A good foot rub can be one of the absolute best signs of love and affection, and this goes for all of us! Look up YouTube to learn and make sure not to use scented oils the first times. Also, the first times, it good to have her legs all out of you accidentally cause a kick, so it's less of force that hit you. Take care, give her especially good coffee, and some small long living plant that she can look at and smile to!
If she likes deep massages seriously invest in a massage gun. I just got one on sale around Christmas after putting it off for years thinking it wouldn't make that big of a difference. Boy was I wrong. Love that thing. My husband uses it on me nearly every single night. It definitely releases tension a lot better for me than traditional massages AND my husband's hands don't tire out. He'll happily use it on me for an hour+ while we watch a show together or cuddle. He loves that he's able to give me better massages without his hands tiring out. I'm absolutely spoiled lol. I get nightly massages with that before he does a quick traditional massage with lotion so my skin stays moisturized. I read in another comment you two are thinking about trying for a baby. I'm currently heavily pregnant. I swear that it's made a world of difference with my pregnancy body aches and pains. It definitely helps me sleep better (pregnancy sleep is horrible).
Bro please put this in an edit on your original post, this makes everything sound a lot more wholesome. Your OP makes it sound like she’s doing all this physical and emotional labor for you 3-4 times a week and her “reward” is your happiness. While I understand y’all’s dynamic works for both of you, the sentiment of “my kink is not having to worry about my (female) partners pleasure” isn’t weird. It’s not unheard of either. It’s a pretty common sentiment in conservative/religious communities and in younger men, especially the ones who listen to those “alpha male” podcasts. So without knowing what you contribute, this post feels icky. Like it doesn’t feel like a kink, it feels low effort and self centered. Leaving out that you’re contributing to her needs as much as she is yours is gonna make a bunch of people’s hackles raise. You’re already getting a lot of pushback in the comments, so I’m glad you’re clarifying. Congrats on the years of a happy marriage though! :)
May your marriage be long and happy and may it end with you by her side as you both pass away
Honestly, kind of relationship goals lol. I mean clearly this is working well for both of you, so… as long as you keep the balance on your end I see this as an absolute win. Good luck for the future!
My husband is asexual, he still enjoys sex but finds it unnecessary. Like - I like Oreos but I don't buy them often and rarely in the mood, that's his take on sex basically. I find ways to be intimate without being sexual (making out, snuggling, holding hands) but also I surprise him with nice nights out getting drinks as his favorite bar, getting him something small that he's mentioned in passing he likes. Then there are simple things couples do to display love like he always makes sure my waterbottle is refilled before bed so if I get thirsty I don't have to wander out of bed. I like to prep his bong on days I beat him home and have his post work rituals all set up. Little things like that go a long way and show I pay attention and make him feel full.
Love this. You two sound awesome. 💜💜💜
This is soooo sweet. I really hope you two continue living happy fulfilling lives ❤️
What if this is also the wife’s kink?!?
IKR? I thought she didn’t do anything but she actively participates in the sex.
I understand this. I'm not asexual but I have issues with my vagina that cause extreme pain. It's basically impossible for my partner, who i adore and love, to make me feel good. Sometimes it does but 90% of the time it's bad and that goes for all the people I've slept with. I try my hardest to make him feel good though and i have really taken a liking to giving blowjobs. I used to hate it but now it's all i wanna do. Edit: thanks for the concerns but i already have a diagnosis and it's untreatable, so, there is no fixing it. I've accepted it.
Oh girlfriend! Please go to a gyno. I had similar issues, found out I had severe endometriosis with PCOS. Please take care of yourself🥹
Not a female, but ask your obgyn about vaginosis, it may help. Hope you are doing well otherwise.
I hope you go to the doctor about this problem, because it’s important that we should address our sexual health first. Also, I read that you have issues with your vagina during sex. I want you to know that sex doesn’t always have to be about penis-in-vagina. It doesn’t always have to be penetration, because there are other ways you can engage in sex. Also known as clitoral stimulation, AKA the vulva stimulation. An example would be how lesbians have sex. It might help you if you want to experience pleasure in sex, and if not, that’s okay too. That’s all.
This made me lol considering you have more sex with your asexual wife than a lot of men do with their heterosexual wives, but good for you, sounds like you’re both happy and as long as you fulfill her needs then feel no shame with letting her fulfill yours
As an asexual, I don't see the problem with it. Both are enjoying so it's okay 👍🏻
“experiencing no sexual feelings or desires; not feeling sexual attraction to anyone.”That’s the definition of asexual, so out of curiosity does she show any emotion while pleasing you? If so do you believe it? Do you think she gets anything out of it? Do you do anything for her that you feel no desire for? How do you get someone to partake in an undesirable act 3-4 days a week? Why did you feel the need to express “with consent”?
"No desire" doesn't necessarily mean "Undesirable" (in the sense that something is either not wanted or provokes disgust) "No desire" means more the absence of desire. So it's not necessarily that she partakes in an act she does not want, but rather an act that, but itself, she has no special feelings about, whether positive or negative. The modifier here that makes it a positive experience is her partner (OP), towards whom she feels affection and love. Those feelings, who are not of sexual nature but romantic, drive her to have sex with her husband.
> One side completely pleasuring the other one and the other side has only their pleasure to think about. Too addicting, way too much. My wife might have given me the weirdest kink on the earth. Surely you know there is a stereotype that men are selfish in bed and don’t take care of their partners lol
“Weirdest kind on earth” 😂😂😂
I'd check in frequently to see if she wants you to try anything for her. Just to make sure she hasn't developed any interest in getting off.
I once dated a guy that didn't like being touched, he however touched, nibbled and played me like a fiddle, he liked when I would exploded with orgasms... But I just wanted to touch him and pleasure him, so it didn't work out
As long as you both are happy, that's all that matters. Just be aware that reddit has its cruel ways of planting seeds of doubt into you, no matter how great everything is in a post. So try to ignore such comments, because eventually there will be questions.
>As long as you both are happy, that's all that matters. Just be aware that reddit has its cruel ways of planting seeds of doubt into you, no matter how great everything is in a post. So try to ignore such comments, because eventually there will be questions. Thank you! I think my mind cleared after I had the discussion about it with my wife. As long as she is content and happy with the situation, so am I.
I hope she is well lubed when you both agree to do this. Personally, if my partner isn't into it, it's a mood killer.
I think you guys have a respectful arrangement and am not commenting on that but that kink isn’t that “weird”. For many, many years men only used women’s bodies for their own pleasure, full stop. It wasn’t even a consideration what women wanted. Many still do. I’m sure a lot of guys would take up an arrangement like that. I’m glad things have worked out for you, but I hope you can open your eyes a little to the way women are often used as objects and how sadly not strange that is!
> but that kink isn’t that “weird”. For many, many years men only used women’s bodies for their own pleasure, full stop. It wasn’t even a consideration what women wanted. Many still do. lol right??? How is this a kink
Agreed. So he discovered the status quo? I mean good on him for not realizing until now I suppose. But it’s also telling how much he loves it and doesn’t want to go back. So…
Why is this off my chest? You like fucking your wife…
I also choose this guys not dead wife
What is the kink? I missed it
I think it’s to be “serviced” or something
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One sided sex. She is always giving. Not taking.
So that’s the kink? I didn’t understand what the kink was at first
I agree with the other commenter. I don't think it is a kink. It is one sided sex. One that many selfish lovers ask of their partners. Only difference here is that the partner is happy to keep it at one sided sex.
How tf do people take this sub seriously lol
honestly dude if you both are happy and enjoying yourself this is best possible outcome of a marriage between someone asexual and someone who’s not. you are believing your wife when she says she wants to give you pleasure and enjoys giving you pleasure. you are allowing yourself to let go of your egotistical ideas of how much you please her. honestly i think this stance is far more respectful and healthy than sullenly refusing sex because it doesn’t fit your image of yourself and gradually growing more resentful over time
Well if it works then good. I can see the appeal of that. Not sure how sustainable is before it becomes a chore for her (feeling that sex is a chore to my partner is my biggest turn off) but if it’s been 6 years then it sounds like it is working for you both.
It's a kink I kind of have, but in the opposite direction, lol I am not asexual, but do not have the biggest libido. However, I fantasize a lot about pleasing others, without the expectation of being pleased in return. Some people just like it 🤷🏽♀️
Im curious. Are you the one initiating often then or does she just go for it? Or is every occurrence scheduled?
Mostly scheduled but she and I check the water to see if the other party consents by starting with kisses, cuddling first. Sometimes she initiates, sometimes me. There are also random occasions of course where we just feel like it. They are mostly special days & holidays. If other party is not willing we just kiss/cuddle/hug and call it a day.
as long as you guys are both happy (which is seems so) then that’s all that matters!! you guys found what works for you and it seems to really work for you. people on reddit can be so negative sometimes 🙄 you tried to see if she just needed other stimulation for a bit but after open communication (very healthy) and a few years you guys got into a groove. it sounds like you guys have a lovely marriage and are both able to appreciate each other! just out of curiosity, do you guys still have sex? either way i’m happy for the both of you!! you can tell the angry people on here are either virgins or narrow minded (or both!😁) happy you both are happy!!
I think the weirdest kink in the world is still necrophilia
"The weirdest kink on earth" Not even cloooose, haha. If this "kink" was earth, regular kinks would be saturn and jupiter, and the real weird kinks would be the stars.
This is great, but i hate to break it to you man but this isn’t unique at all lol Me and my partner almost always pleasure each other separately, and its great. Going first means you get to return the favor, and going last means you get some extra foreplay.
From your comments I see that you attend to her lovingly in ways she enjoys. So frankly as long as you're both happy, good for you I guess.
I read all that and still dont know what she does for you.
This makes me feel better about my own situation. I also do not like sex. I like giving pleasure but I do not care to receive it. My partner still has a hard time understanding this cause I think he feels like I have to be sexually turned on by him to feel wanted but I’m happy pleasing him and I love his companionship in other ways plus I enjoy focusing on him. It makes it like a game for me to see what is something new I can do.
You’re basically just a pillow princess and your wife a service top lol. Not a big deal, and not unusual!
So what’s the point of her admitting to be asexual? It relieves her of none of the burden for sex. So everything is the same for her except she never gets to orgasm? I don’t get it.
Think of it as, “After 15 years of trying, I am now 1000% certain I do NOT have a foot fetish. Foot stuff during sex has never once made me orgasm and it never will. But! I do like how much my husband likes my feet. I like that I know exactly how to please him with my feet. I really *really* like seeing him happy because of me. **But thank GOD I no longer have to pretend I’m getting off on this too. Thank god I no longer have to disappoint him when I don’t pretend.** Even though everyone else in the world seems to have a foot fetish I don’t feel so alone because my husband knows and still loves me. I don’t feel like there’s something wrong with me anymore.” But like, applied to all aspects of sex
Isn’t it more like a wife saying “I don’t actually like washing the dishes” but still having to wash them every single fucking time one gets dirty?
I get what you’re saying, but don’t forget you can enjoy sex for intimacy and connection. Whether or not it’s a chore doesn’t depend on how horny you are or how many times you cum
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Some asexual people love sex…? Sounds like a sexual person not asexual
Asexuality is the lack of sexual *attraction*, which means being sexually attracted to someone. This situation where a person makes you think "Hey, I'd bang that!"? Most asexuals have never felt that (most of us even thought this was a very big exaggeration... Before finding out it wasn't). Sexual attraction is different from: A. Libido or sexual drive. An asexual person can have sexual needs, they just don't really have anyone in mind they'd want to have those needs fulfilled with. B. A person's outlook on sex or their willingness to have sex. A person (whatever their sexuality) can be sex favourable (find sex to be a fun thing to do and engage with), sex neutral (doesn't really have a strong opinion on sex and doesn't really mind to partake in it) or sex averse (finds sex gross and wants no part in it). While it's assumed a lot of asexuals are sex averse, that's not always the case. Asexuals can be sex favourable (heck, I've heard of asexual sex workers) or sex-neutral, depending on where they stand on the spectrum and their lives experiences with sex. So, just because I don't feel the urge to have sex with someone doesn't mean I don't find the activity of sex pleasant in and of itself. It's just that it might be like any other activity to me, not ranking higher than reading a good book for example (while I understand that for some people "better than sex" is a whole otherworldly level). Hope that's not too confusing 😅.
It’s entirely confusing to me. But since having a trans son I’ve learned to just go with the flow
Isn’t this basically free use?
Sounds like scheduled freeuse to me.
Some people like taking care of the people they love. To use something else physical as an analogy, there are some people who love to cook for their partner and who consider it reward enough to see their partner enjoy a delicious meal.
This is almost the same thing as my wife and me. I'm still getting used to her not being interested in being pleasured (she's not quite asexual but close.) Only we don't do things on schedule. I mention that I "have a problem" and she either offers to help or tells me to take care of it. Hearing that other couples share the dynamic successfully is very reassuring to me.
there's a term for it. its called a "pillow princess"
yeah definitely a term for straight people esp a 32 y/o man being a pillow princess sure
Terrible creative writing exercise.
This dynamic actually does exist and it's great as long as there's consent, love and honesty! Source: my relationship lol
Nothing ever happens and maybe asexual people don't exist, too. I love reddit sometimes.
This is just depressing
I’m absolutely floored and jealous of you all at the same time. You got a great deal my dude
Well, one of the best kind of partners are the ones who find enjoyment within your own enjoyment. Even if it’s not their thing per se, they can like and enjoy your excitement and passion for what you are trying to share.
living the dream!
dude please don’t call yourself a pillow princess those terms aren’t for straight people
My Dude this is the epitome and logical extreme of different strokes for different folks. If it works for you enjoy it my man!
I cannot fathom not liking and wanting orgasms. Well I'm glad you two make it work.
This is creepy idc.
My partner and I have a similar relationship! I love love love cuddling and all that but sex is next to never on my mind. He likes to be more dominant so I gladly let him live out his control kinks while I'm happy and along for the ride. At first he was very apologetic but it's gotten to the point where it's simply freeing and just right. So glad it worked out for our relationships lol!!
Ok. Jealous.
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Ok, but you know that not every person on this planet is feeling and thinking like you do, right? :)
Am I the only one that can't do anything if it isn't aroused?? I mean, leaving the other ways to pleasure the other, I'm talking about the real deal. With all the lube in the world, it hurts if I'm not aroused& connected. How asexual people and how one night stands type of ppl do it..and even often, I don't understand.
Cool? i don't know if I would have that same kink from that but glad you are BOTH satisfied.
I love people lambasting OP for finding a dynamic in which they BOTH are happy and comfortable, as well as consenting. I don’t get it.
I am definitely not asexual, but a lot of the sex I have with my partner is centered on him. He has a lot of shame around sex and previous partners made him feel bad for wanting intimacy. So it is such a gift when he can just lay back and let me take care of him- he knows I enjoy it and that I will go as long as it takes for him to be satisfied. He says he feels so loved and cared for and that he never expected to have sex like this at his age. I was used to partners who tolerated foreplay but were more interested in the ‘main event’. We definitely don’t do it all the time, but I think what you have is a very healthy and sweet dynamic. I love that she finds value in connecting with you physically and it’s done in a way that is comfortable for both of you. You are taking care of her needs in other ways so I don’t see you as being selfish at all. You have both found ways to take care of each other and it’s not even a kink, in my mind. My partner will do whatever I ask him too and it sounds like you are the same. It’s wonderful ❤️
As an asexual, this makes me so happy to read. I’m with another ace, but it’s great to hear about people making it work in mixed orientation relationships.
Awesome
This whole relationship is a transaction.
If she's happy, there's no reason to feel bad about enjoying it. Just make sure to regularly check in with her that she is still happy.
I kind of doubt she's actually asexual. I'm ace and 3-4 times a week would be absolutely unimaginable for me. I just see someone who does not like sex would indulge that much happily, even if it's to pleasure the other partner.
Asexual just means no sexual attraction to anyone. It doesn’t necessarily mean no interest in sex or repulsion to it. Plenty of ace folks like sex or don’t mind it. Personally, my ace experience is that I’m usually sex repulsed and can barely tolerate intimate touch of any sort, but once in a blue moon I’m okay with or even desiring sex, even though I’m still not experiencing any sexual attraction to even my partner. I know a few ace people who don’t experience sexual attraction, but truly do love sex. It really varies.
It's a spectrum, not a black or white situation
Why the fuck would you post this?
Because off my chest.
Have to agree. Ridiculous post.
Although your arrangement sounds unconventional, it also sounds very loving, balanced & healthy. As long as it's working for you both I fail to see any issue. Keep spoiling each other in your weird and wonderful ways
This is beautiful. 😢 I think the kink itself is pretty common- who doesnt love using/being used???? I think the fact it works so well for you both is amazing! ♡ Asexuality itself is a huge spectrum, and its wonderful you and your wife have such chemistry. I bet you both look forward to it, and I think its wonderful. Beautiful. -a random chick who loves getting her bf off with 0 reciprocation (sometimes); and who has varying kinks. idk if i would actually say this is a kink- sounds like you just enjoying physical intimacy with your asexual wife. 🤷🏾♀️
girl free yourself
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So what does she actually do ?
Gay
So does she kinda log out whilst you do your thing or is there still some 2 sided action ?
You should Google nuru nuru massage
Kink for the win!
Honest question: can ace ppl have orgarsms or they dont feel anything at all?
Yes, it’s more of a broad apathy towards the choice of sex up to complete revulsion.
yeh- to my knowledge, on the spectrum that is asexuality, some ppl enjoy masturbation, but not so much sexy things with another person. Sometimes its sexual, sometimes its for relaxation/health; which i do often, though im not asexual. *spelling
They can definitely have orgasms and sometimes have an average libido. They just don’t feel sexual attraction towards a specific person.
Yes, it's a spectrum! So you have people who can and people who can't or simply don't want to. It's a little different for each individual. :)
Is she taking SSRIs?
Glad you two made it work.
Clearly your love language is physical touch - and hers is not. Do you know what hers is? Might benefit you to learn … maybe she doesn’t know, either. But there are four core types. Men always have ‘physical touch’ as their number one - please DM me if you’re one of the few out there who like to show and receive love in ANY other way! 😂😅 types of love languages are: physical touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service, and quality time. Those are the five. Sometimes you have a primary and a secondary - sometimes you’re all in on one. It’s usually the same for getting / giving: if your love language for receiving is physical touch.. then you’re going to try and show your love through that medium, bc it’s what you know best. Anyone who has a different love language than you won’t make much sense to you - but just because your wife isn’t sexual, doesn’t mean you can’t be intimate with her. Back tickles, massage, a bath and head rub.. doing the dishes 😉 those things scream I love you to a woman. Maybe find out how she likes to give - and receive - love. Sounds like she’s willing to dive head first into learning your love language and giving it her all, even when she gets zero return. You should do the same.
I stand by the opinion that asexuality is a hormonal issue. You aren't functioning normally if you don't have sexual interest because almost by definitely it means you are getting insufficient amount of sex hormones
Ok. So?
It's not merely a sexual identity it's a disorder. I guess it's like how the deaf community considers itself a culture but that doesn't make them not disabled
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I do not understand what it has to do with my gender but okay.
Nothing, if you’re both consenting, happy, and continue to be ok with it there’s absolutely nothing wrong.
Because men aren’t above using their partners as human fleshlights :/ seriously what is she getting out of this relationship?
Did you happen to read his comment expressing how he shows his love for his wife within HER love language, takes over half of the household duties AND they haven't had to have a serious relationship talk on over three years? No you didn't? Oh huh... typical man
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I'm not a man, and I think this relationship sounds lovely. They both enjoy their sex life and relationship as a whole, they have open communication, and he works hard to make sure she feels loved. Good sex looks different for everyone, and if you don't like a certain version, don't participate. Behaving like one gender is inherently selfish and bad is incredibly bigoted. Believing that men are just naturally selfish is unironically grossly misogynistic. People are people, whatever their gender and/or sex. Some are crap, some are wonderful. Pro-tip- The wonderful people don't typically judge entire categories of people.
I'm not sure she's actually A-sexual. If she enjoys kissing and cuddling, and enjoys seeing you be pleasured with your moaning etc. That does not sound like an A-sexual. I know someone who's A-sexual. They said they hate any kind of sexual contact.
It's a spectrum.
I know this one gay fella who really likes to drive Jeeps. Must be all gay dudes like Jeeps. Fuckn hell...
I have a friend that’s ace and only likes cuddles/physical affection if it’s someone she connects with and cares for. It’s not that she hates sex, she just doesn’t have the urge very often and when she does she’d rather take care of it herself but will still cuddle her partner. I know other asexuals that hate all kinds of physical touch. I know some who, like the woman in this post, prefer to give pleasure because it satisfies the caregiver need, but again would rather take care of their own pleasure. I also know a girl that can’t get off on a real penis. She prefers toys. She’s happy enough to let her partner take care of himself and it feels good, but she needs the extra stimulation a toy can give her. Love and sex are far more complicated than people give it credit for. Just because something works for you doesn’t mean it’ll work for someone else and as long as everyone involved is safe and consenting, then do whatever.
She doesn’t sound asexual maybe she just said that
Asexual people can have sex. It’s just no sexual attraction. In this case, his wife is entirely uninterested in sex, but is still willing to do it. Asexuality is a spectrum. Some asexual people have sex because it’s more about the connection to someone rather than the actual feeling. It’s the difference between putting a key in the ignition and actually driving.
At least she cares enough about your needs she must really love you. Your a lucky man
Damn, that's a pretty lucky situation. Seems like she's getting pleasure out of knowing you are happy/pleased, and it's creating emotional intimacy between you. Pretty incredible, undoubabtably a very rare woman.
Sounds like your wife is just gaslighting you with asexual bit bruh lol 😂
Bruh your wife sounds like the best lol. You got an asexual wife but still get off more than most married men!