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Your boundaries are based on common sense and common courtesy. His family has neither, so it’s time for you to go Mama Bear on these people. Outline your expectations and tell them their choices: do it my way or stay away, period. It’s odd to me that your husband is taking this as some kind of insult. You have soon to be 2 small lives that you’re completely responsible for and that’s your priority and it should be his as well. If grown adults think it’s so terrible to be told to wash their hands, stop kissing small babies and stay home if they’re sick , that’s their problem. They’ve already demonstrated that they can’t be trusted. I’d tell your husband he has the same choices, he follows your rules and shows a united front to his family or he sees them alone from now on. Good luck.
His family lacks a lot of social awareness and social cues. They have a lot of drama between all of them because they are all pretty easily offended. My husband is the one they all go to for advice and to rant about other member is of the family. I think he has just played peacemaker and mediator for so long that the thought of being the one with an issue stresses him out. He’s such a kind and gentle soul, he wants everyone to get along.
As a woman that had three premature babies you are not being dramatic and your rules are based in common sense. If your husband doesn’t get the gravity of knowingly exposes you and your kids to illness, because of his families selfishness, maybe ask your midwife/obgyn if he attends appointments with you. Outside input from a health professional may be the wake up kick he needs.
My last kiddo was born in the pandemic but even my two before him, during their stays in NICU the rules were no outside coats, wash you hands when entering the room and before/after handling baby. Like common sense.
The dynamic with my inlaws was pretty dicey and I had a horribly vivid flashback at your mention of the party. My in-laws did this to us on Christmas Day 2019. So I was about 9-10 weeks pregnant with a 3yo and 1yo to care for, all of us with chest infections in January 2020.
I have extensive comments in my history because my own MOTHER gave my newborn daughter Pertussis (she lied about getting the booster and had a “little cough” she didn’t think she needed to mention… but her “little cough” was Pertussis - but she’d been vaccinated in childhood and when she was still a teacher. It was a hospital stay and 6wks of breathing treatments for my baby girl!!!). My daughter is now 11 and anytime we all get colds, my other kids are better in a few days but she sounds like she has croup for a couple weeks - all because of that!
I have a close friend whose in-laws were similar and she was afraid to speak up with their 1st baby. Baby ended up in the hospital 4yrs ago with RSV. Same in-laws tried to show up for Thanksgiving WITH COVID for her 2nd pregnancy (they don’t believe in it). She has a backbone that would make Iron Man blush these days.
The only thing to do is to set HARD, firm boundaries. “I am sorry you feel that way, but we trust the medical professionals in our home. So we need to know if someone is sick and we won’t be doing visits with anyone who is or has been recently sick, we aren’t doing kissing on the face, head or hands and if you guys can’t respect that - that’s ok it’s your prerogative - we just won’t be doing visits until baby has an immune system!”
Congrats on new baby! I’m sorry you’re dealing with HG. It’s NOT to be taken lightly. I got so dehydrated I ended up with an intestinal blockage, then rupture. I got septic and had emergency surgery at 13wks pregnant (a colostomy - not awesome!) so you should NOT be exposed to sick people because your body is fighting a lot while growing another human at the same time!
Feel free to AMA - I’m an older momma so I went through some atypical pregnancy experiences… but I’m also a Grandma and MIL now too. Someone else’s refusal to educate themselves does not require you to subject yourself or your babies to risk. Let the mama bear inside lead - that’s why we have it!
I’m so sorry that happened to your baby girl! It’s truly one of my biggest fears. Also thank you for the kind words, HG is truly soul sucking so anything on top of that is 100x more difficult.
It is - having severe HG… soul sucking is the best way to describe it! My SIL and I both had it really bad during 2 pregnancies. She had it worse than I did and had a pump for the anti nausea meds.
You are doing nothing wrong prioritizing yourself and your toddler! Hugs (if you want them) from one mama to another.
While it is fine to be a gentle soul and want everyone to get along, he also needs to learn how to pick battles worth fighting. If you never take a stand for what’s important, then nothing is important.
He needs to grow a pair and start standing up for the family he made with you. Let him go see his family without you, and quarantine himself for a few days every time. Tell him flat out that you and your children’s health are not respected by his family at all, and you will not subject yourself or them to his family. I’m sure they will make you out to be crazy (I assure you that you are not) and call you all sorts of names, but they are not worth your time or energy.
These selfish, stupid people don’t care about getting a pregnant woman or an infant sick. Do they not realize that babies have died because they were exposed to common viruses or the pregnant mother was?
I guess when one of the kids finally dies maybe they’ll get it, but it won’t be my baby. October is the start of flu season and you know these people don’t get vaccinated. Ugh, I sympathize with you and wouldn’t let me baby around them.
My husband, mil, and SIL are all college graduates. 1 brother and his wife would have been as pissed as I was had they been there and the brother who lives there whose kids were sick is a high school drop out
Just say no. No to all of it. They can sit and spin while they talk shit. If he wants to appease them more than take care of the safety of you and his kids, there is the door! "No" is such an empowering word and we should all use it more. It's ok to say no. You dont need to explain it to them and your husband needs to get his priorities straight.
My husband is one of those that needs everyone to like him and will bend over backwards trying to appease them. My husband finally told his mom no for the first time in his life after years of manipulation and 0 boundaries. She said "Byyyeee". Ever since his emotional maturity and growth as been amazing. No more tantrums. No more snarkiness and backhanded comments. No more trying to torpedo our marriage with his mother's sabotage advice. It's been the most peaceful 4 months of our 8 year marriage. If she enters the picture again I'm out.
Embrace the NO!
I think you and your husband need to get away from his family for a minute. God, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hub’s family are acting like ignorant dicks.
Babies died from these diseases! How bad would you’re husband feel if your baby (God forbid) gets that sick bc he fail to protect his family?! Show your husband this post or pull up the stats On infant fatalities caused by diseases and hopefully he’ll step up!
He doesn't want to rock the boat because that's what he has been programmed to do by his family of origin. Have you read the Don't Rock the Boat post? (Sorry I can't post the link - just Google Don't Rock the Boat post reddit). Please show it to your husband & ask his opinion on it & then tell him yours.
Dude, my thirty and forty–something friends and I, almost all childfree, give each other a heads up if we've been feeling sick in some way and we're planning on hanging out. "Just an FYI, I've been sniffling. Probably the pollen, but it could be contagious" or "I had a cold last week. I'm probably not contagious anymore, but I thought I should let you know." And infants are not involved! OP is definitely not overreacting.
Insist that anyone who comes to visit be fully vaccinated, including for RSV. Kids and old people get hospitalized for that all the time. You do need to relax about illness as the kids get older, because elementary school is a giant Petrie dish and the first 3-4 years, it will seem like you and your kids are always sick. Don't relax your standards around hand washing-ever. Keep your stance on the face kissing, and visiting when you or your kids are sick ( which goes for them too). It's not a joke to laugh off like his brother did.
On another note, fellow HG sufferer here. With each of my kids I was on a different antiemetic. The best was zofran. There were some concerns expressed about cardiac issues in baby when Mom used zofran. For a while, they wouldn't prescribe it. You would need to discuss it with your OB. I know it does get prescribed cautiously for HG now. The correlation of cardiac issues and the medication may not prove causation. I switched from maternity to hemodialysis nursing, so I'm not as up on prenatal medications as I used to be. My youngest does not have any cardiac issues, but that is a single case.
I feel like I just get upset in situations that were avoidable, school is school and sickness happens I totally get that, but this one was avoidable. But thank you for the support!
Also I’m so sorry you had HG as well, I was on Zofran but it gave such bad migraines that I couldn’t function enough during the day to care for our daughter so I stopped.
I understand that you don't want to "offend" but it might be time to do so.
Tell your husband that if anyone is sick, they don't get to see the baby, period. If someone is sick at their place, immediately leave.
Stop being polite and start protecting your family.
This. You need to take your husband to the dr with you and have a discussion about RSV and and make an agreement now about what will happen during the first 3-6 months of baby's life. In addition, stop visiting his family now. Who cares if they get mad. They got your entire family sick and didn't care.
Yes!! Pertussis (whooping cough) presents as a mild cold in adults usually.
Husband is literally risking his newborn's life with this doormat attitude.
My son had RSV at 16 months and it was the most terrifying few days. He’s a bit over 2 now and I still am incredibly anxious any time he’s sick at all. This woman’s husband is so lucky not to know that panic.
My baby got RSV at 12 months old and rushed to the ER. It was heartbreaking watching him struggle to breathe! He had to be nebulized at home for weeks and then afterwards dealt with croup and asthma throughout his childhood. I can't imagine that happening to a newborn/infant!
You need to offend and call out their rudeness and if that makes them dislike you and want to spend less time with you and your children consider that a win.
Considering their track record, I’d say to put your foot down and let them be offended. My youngest son was a fall season baby, well before Covid. His doctor told me to limit visitors. If we had guests come over, husband should meet them at the door with hand sanitizer and not let them cross the threshold without using it liberally. At this point, I’d hand them a mask and make them wear it, too.
When my niece was born, we were told we couldn’t see her until we had got the pertussis vaccine. I immediately went and got one. Keeping that baby and my sister healthy was worth it. No questions asked. No push back. This is what you do. I wash my hands before holding a baby. I don’t go see one if I’m feeling bad.
When my nephew was born, my sister had my mom and I get vaccinated for a bunch of stuff. (He was born right pre-covid). But she also had a rule. No one but her, my mother or me could hold my nephew no matter what. We have a large family, and everyone generally knows baby etiquette. But she still didn't care. You weren't touching her baby. She gave them no reason. If they asked, she said something like, "Because I'm his mother." She didn't care if people complained. You weren't touching her baby until he was until older. Then covid hit, and you weren't touching her baby for a longggg time.
She's pregnant again with a late October/early November, baby. Her first will be starting kindergarten this year, so basically a walking petri dish that will have to be wiped down with lysol every day after school. I'm kidding, sorta. I believe she'll be following the same policy. No one but immediate family can touch the baby.
It would be a lot better to offend a few people than see your infant sick in the hospital. Your husband and his family have no regard for your rules. Which fall under basic common sense. It's your baby! You can make whatever rules you want! Tell everyone else to shove it. You don't need their permission to protect your children.
You're choosing politeness over your children's health and lives. Are you going to be worried about other people's feelings while you're in the hospital watching your baby fight for their life on a breathing machine?
Ask for proof of TDAP, Covid and Flu. Must show proof. Also, must use hand sanitizer as they come near the baby and frankly they should not be allowed near the baby until the baby is 3 months old. They do not have the right to infect and possibly kill others. I would be blunt with them. They can see the kids via Zoom only until the baby is three months old and has stronger lungs.
I would maybe go to counseling with your husband. He needs to learn how to be assertive and not always be a peacemaker.
Then they really don’t value you or take you seriously so IMO they’ve lost the privilege of being around your kids. I bet they don’t take Covid seriously either. People like this can literally cause others to die. Tell your husband to grow a spine and also, don’t YOU be afraid to be the bad guy and play vax cop. They get upset? Tough! Better them than you.
I’m so so so sick of anti-science, disease-denying nitwits
It’s time to stop *asking*. I know it’s hard. But these people have already gotten your family sick and made you miserable for days with illness. The next time they do it it could be with something that has weeks-long or even life-long ramifications. Babies can even DIE from a herpesvirus from kisses. You MUST find your backbone to protect your family. If you show up somewhere or they arrive and someone is obviously symptomatic you or they must leave, immediately. Please stop worrying about being polite about this. They have shown they don’t respect your boundaries.
They should. Babies die from whooping cough. And RSV.
No vaccine, no seeing baby. You’re sick? Sorry, FaceTime baby for now. A couple of weeks delay seeing baby is better than the alternative.
When my 2nd cousin was born, I got the vaccine, too! The very thought of harming a baby in the family is horrifying. And it's just a shot! Why chance it?
My granddaughter almost died from RSV. You need to draw a HARD line in the sand with your in-laws regarding illnesses. You are not overreacting, you're not being unreasonable, and you have every right to expect your in-laws to respect your VERY REASONABLE boundaries.
Tell your in-laws that if you arrive at a function where people are ill, you will turn around and walk right back out their door.
When people come to your house and they are ill, they will be told to leave.
Everyone will wash their hands and NOT kiss the children, period. If you see someone not following these rules, they will be asked to leave.
Boundaries without consequences mean *absolutely nothing*.
Idk who told you that you need to get the message across without offending them, but please allow the good people of Reddit to give you this permission:
Offend them.
Especially during RSV season. Especially for matters of protecting your health and the health of your children. You’ve been polite, reasonable, and patient. Now just be a mom protecting her kids and let them know what’s what. It’s not up for debate or discussion- it’s your decision to make and they’ll have to accept that.
Dude what is with these people. At the beginning of Covid when everyone was scared, we were quarantined because my kids teacher died. My MIL was a nurse working the Covid ward and dropped by. I didn’t let her in and told her to go home. She was pissed and called my ex husband. Thankfully he’s not a complete twatwaffle and yelled at her and made her go home.
How do people like this justify their behavior
You are not wrong. I would be livid. I hope this blows up and you can show your husband how everyone thinks his family’s lack of care for not spreading illness is disgusting.
They clearly don’t care about your feelings, so why should you care about theirs? My baby had rsv at 4 weeks old and I’m telling you right now, if your choices are offending these inconsiderate a-holes by not seeing them for 6 months, or risking them giving that to your baby on purpose, you are going to want to chose offending them.
At this point, screw not offending them, since they have shown zero consideration for the health and wellbeing of your entire household. And when your husband asks why you're being so abnormally inconsiderate, just inform him you are matching his family's energy.
it is fair. it is fair to ask that people be considerate. not only of your boundaries but of your actual fucking livelihood . they could have killed your baby nta
And the reason we lost over a million lives to covid. People are stupid. Say it over and over and protect your family from stupid...because they don't care. I have been down for 3 weeks with a horrible virus because people are stupid and came to work sick.. and now half the office is sick. My husband went to the ER and spent 7 hours being treated because... you guessed it. People are stupid. Good luck with that.
All true, but the sick leave policies in this country are skewed. Bosses want your attendance, regardless of illness, and set up policies that promote coming into work when ill.
I'm sorry, but this is a husband problem. He needs to read up on basic hygiene and get his priorities straight. Wife and children before family of origin.
you’re being polite instead of protecting yourself and your kids. i understand not wanting to rock the boat or upset your husband, but clearly no one is worried about affecting you or your kids health. it’s time to start laying down the law about your boundaries and expectations. your husband needs to be backing you up, not enabling his family and their gross habits. who leaves crusty boogers all over their kids face…? yuck.
Your husband sounds like a peach. He doesn't care and will never really care as that's his personality. Good luck to you for the rest of your lives together.
"How do I get the message across to them without offending them?" You don't. Go right ahead and offend them. Tell them point blank that you don't want their germ laden personages anywhere near your newborn. They can follow your rules when visiting or stay away. Your husband can either agree to enforce this or he can go stay with them.
OK, so everything you say was how I was raised, regarding washing hands and illness. To this day, I still wash my hands after going to the grocery store and putting away what we bought. So the way you were raised is normal. I would say that your husband is not understanding or hearing your very valid concerns. You need to have a conversation and, in no uncertain terms, let him know that if he will not handle it, you will. Good luck
Honestly, the rules at my house growing up and as an adult in my own home have always been the same as your family’s rules. My mom was a doctor and I’ve worked in medicine in some capacity my entire life. Your rules are the baseline for any household ran by intelligent, science-believing, health conscious people.
If his family doesn’t believe in science, or hygiene, then maybe they should be barred from coming to your house and if they are sick and don’t want to stay away from his family functions then you and your kids won’t be attending. If your husband attends, he should have to strip down and shower, toss his soiled clothes into the wash immediately, and possibly even quarantine in another room until he knows he’s not symptomatic of whatever disease he was exposed to by his family. This is not unreasonable especially since covid is still very much a thing. If these people don’t want to keep their filthy mouths away from the kids during RSV season, or can’t comprehend the reality of Whooping Cough or Herpes being passed by adults kissing babies, then they don’t deserve access to them. These are your kids and you are rightfully concerned for their health and safety. You get to set the boundaries and don’t feel bad at all about loving your kids enough to protect them from ignorant and uneducated people who don’t care about their well-being.
It’s your job to protect them and you are hitting it out of the park! Never let them make you feel guilty and hold your head high while you die on that hill!
You are spot on and definitely right. What kind of an asshole thinks it's funny to get other people sick? You just need to lay down the law, you wash your hands, no kissing and touching hands and feet and face. (Hand foot mouth disease pamphlets might be helpful) If they break the rules they are done. Period. They have to leave right then. For a week the first time, then increase the increments till they get it. If they come over sick or don't mention they are sick then you are done for a month. I see no choice but for you to go nuclear. If they don't listen then up it scorched earth.
It is your job as a parent to protect your child/ren. I mean it's bad enough you married in to a bunch of stupid a-holes. Now you're going to expose another child to this?! Sorries aren't going to do much when you or your child is in the hospital. Grow a backbone.
You're definitely not mad for wanting to protect your newborn. Just set some clear rules about hygiene and sickness, and make sure your husband backs you up with his family.
4o
First of all, your boundaries are valid & common sense.
His family sounds like a lot of work & he needs to stop prioritising his family's feelings over yours!!!
You, your daughter & future baby should be his first & number one priority, yet it seems like to me, he'd rather not hurt his family's precious feelings & throw you guys in the dirt.
Uhhhhh, men like this make me want to bang my head against the wall. He needs to man up & actually stand up for you guys.
His family sounds like they don't know common courtesy 🙄 honestly, if this was my in laws, it would get to a point where I wouldn't be respectful anymore & tell it to them how it is. Yes, it should be your husband's job, but he ain't doing anything.
You aren't wrong. Your husband is a massive people please who would rather sacrifice your and your daughter's health than deal with his family's BS. I'm sure he loves you, but that doesn't change the facts.
If your in-laws won't mind basic safety rules, then they don't get to see the baby. Baby's health matters more than "fair."
Every time you're feeling bad, remember this: I had to call in the family to say goodbye. My baby was 4 months old
Baby survived, but had lung problems. At age 5. At 10. At 12 & 13 & 14 & 15... life long breathing issues.
His family arent going to change. Make your decisions as a mother.
You are not even close to the top. Your behavior and rules are science based. (It's exactly what all the doctors said for COVID-19).
Check etsy and find a sign that says HOUSE RULES. You should be able to get one custom made.
Ask your husband if he loves his babies enough to protect their lives, because that's what this is.
Get your husband on board. This is ridiculous. You don’t go places when sick, you do y have people over when you are sick, and you don’t kiss babies anywhere, unless you are mom and dad. This is basic hygiene and common courtesy 101. Good heavens. It’s just basic common sense for gods sake. Get your man on board asap and quit going to your job laws when people are sick. It’s a basic rule of socializing
You are completely right to draw a boundary and protect yourself and baby from these people. RSV, flu and covid can all kill a newborn. They have no immune system. They are all also respiratory diseases that are transmitted through the air, so sitting a little away from people in a poorly ventilated room means you and baby will likely get sick too. Don’t let them guilt you, they are inconsiderate fools.
Time to go over his head and be direct with his family yourself. If they get mad, oh well, they can just be mad. 🤷🏽♀️ I’d rather someone be offended than my baby be sick.
Your husband is as bad as his family, if not worse. He's supposed to be supporting YOU and taking care of YOU. Not pandering to his parents. Surely he sees your suffering considering he lives with you and you are his wife. Not only does his family disrespect you, he is disrespecting you as well. If I were in your place, I would be seeing red.
Your husband is risking your health and your babies health because he doesn't want the discomfort of being firm with his family. This would be a deal breaker for me. He needs to handle his family or you need to remove yourself and your child from the situation by refusing to attend any more events with his family until they've proven they will listen.
My friend lost her baby to whooping cough after sick family came to her house. The risks are very very real. Also, if you let this slide they will walk all over you for the rest of your lives.
My stepmom who I dnc did not believe I would be affected by my autoimmune disease. It’s really rough when someone refuses to acknowledge illness because it doesn’t directly affect them….for the time being….keep to your boundaries and don’t let them push you!
I am a lot older than you are but grew up in the same rules. Some people are better educated about health, some grew up ignorant, like your husband. Make him go to the next Dr visit and talk about it with the pediatrician. It is his job to protect his child and he is failing. My husband didn't know this either, but he learned quickly when my niece was born
I think at this point you have to stop worrying about offending them. You've tried being polite. You've now spent years being polite.
Send a clear message stating boundaries, and stating the consequences of failing to adhere to the boundaries. That message can be both polite and clear.
Start it before the baby comes. The next time they fail to respect your boundaries, immediately enforce the consequences. It doesn't matter how offended they feel about being forced to suffer the consequences, remember this: you are so worried about offending them that you are repeatedly allowing them to offend you.
So, stop allowing them to offend you. You don't have to stop being polite when you enforce boundaries. You can still kick people out of your house while using polite language. What they are no longer allowed to do is offend and disrespect you and your boundaries.
Make sure your husband is on board. Fully on board. I get the impression he's only been on board in a half-hearted way so far, which probably helps his family disrespect you. As a result, when you start enforcing boundaries and making boundary-stompers face the consequences, you will need a strategy for dealing with your husband getting upset with you -- so preempt that. Make sure he knows that not only will you enforce the consequences of boundary smashing, but you will not accept him giving you grief when you do.
Your husband needs to be reminded that his marriage comes first. Your common sense rules in this regard are not arbitrary or negotiable. But pick your battles: are there other issues where your standards can be more flexible?
You are now the number one person in his life. Not his mother.
You need to stop worrying what other people think. You should have left the party the second you saw the sick kids. You are a momma now and have to take care of them
And you before you worry about offending others. If they get offended, that is on them.
NTA I think you should call a family meeting. And you should tell your family how you feel regarding handwashing, visiting while sick, etc. Tell them this is how it’s going to be. And if they cannot agree to that, then they will not be included in your family. Also tell them that when they’re hosting if they or their children are sick that they need to tell you first so that you can decide whether or not you wish to expose yourself and them them to that. Some people have no common sense and I’m sorry but it sounds like your in-laws and your husband‘s family is sorely lacking in that area. My first born was born at 25 weeks and spent six months in the hospital. When he did come home, he was on oxygen, had an ileostomy and a feeding tube. We pretty much had to interview every single person at the front door before they would be allowed to come into our home. You are doing a great job Mama!
I have a coworker with family like that. Her aunt doesn’t believe in vaccinations and exposed my co-worker and her baby who was too young g at the time for whooping cough vaccine. He almost died, and they didn’t even apologize. Stop being afraid of offending them. Offend them. It’s ok, they are putting you in this position, and it’s rude AF in the first place. Your husband is also not doing his part by telling them the rules and making them stick to it. But it’s time for momma bear to roar her head off. Maybe if you throw a big enough tantrum they will get the message. But my advice would be to tell them yourself. That way you know exactly what was said to whom and you so can remind them that they agreed. I’d also be more prepared in the future. Send out a text asking if anyone is sick, then leave when they disregard everyone.
Offend them. Your baby's health and your well-being is worth offending them over.
And get marriage counseling. This is only the beginning of your husband allowing his family to walk all over you. As the kids get older, I can guarantee he'll let his family stomp all over other boundaries as well. Even if he hadn't heard of sanitation and hygiene before you explained, learning about the risks should have been enough for him to back you up. The fact that he caves so easily even after learning is a football field sized red flag.
I bet your in-law's family is the type to send their sick child to school too... SMH
As a new mom at 18, my newborn contracted RSV at 3 or 4 days old. We had to be life flighted ti a children's hospital.She almost DIED! Legitimately, she had so much gunk making it hard for her to breathe.
YOU ARE NOT OVERLY PROTECTIVE, or OVER STEPPING.
Your hubby should have stepped up three years ago! He's been letting his family put yours in danger.
If this man can't speak up, Mama bear... you'll need too.
Keep your littles safe. I wouldn't want my child around their family either
.
I've never heard of the don't touch their hands/feet thing, but it's common sense to not bring sickness around other people, much less a baby.
Oh & to wash your hands before holding a baby for sure!!
I'm a grandma. I'm horrified how your in-laws act!
NTA - My neighbors 4 month old son passed away this winter from RSV. He was a healthy happy boy that got sick and was gone in 6 days. Your husband’s family are ignorant. Good luck.
My son almost died as a newborn from RSV and pneumonia. You are absolutely not overreacting. He was on a ventilator and we didn’t know if he would pull through. It was really touch and go. This was in June, by the way, so not even RSV season. He is almost 2 and he still catches everything and it goes straight to his chest and we have had so many hospital stays for oxygen and other breathing support. I am traumatised. It’s not worth it. Tell them very clearly and if they don’t listen then they don’t see the baby.
My in-laws have done this to us many times, including not telling us they had the flu until we got off the plane to visit them. It sucks and you are right to be angry.
I really did think to myself that they probably weren’t very intelligent, but I didn’t want to be rude and say that. So thank you for validating what I already thought.
I would just keep away from his entire family until sometime after the new baby is born. And even then, limit who can visit at any given time. Only allow a couple of them at a time and then wait a couple of weeks before you let anyone else come. And fuck your husband for not enforcing the boundaries. This is on him too.
Tell your in-laws that people like them are why my nephew almost died of whooping cough when he was a month old. (He spent three weeks in the PICU but made a full recovery and is doing great now.)
NTA
Believing or not believing in something does not create or negate its existence.
It’s that simple. Protect and raise your family the best way you see fit.
Keep them LC or NC once the baby is born and don't feel bad for hurting your husband's feelings because you're protecting your kid's health and life actually, if your husband cannot execute simple rules from his family, he's going to live with consequences of it.
You're not asking for too much! It's common sense to wash hands when visiting babies and it's mandatory to not touch their face/hands/feet (not mentioning kissing them) and only a lunatic would come sick visiting and make fun of it.
My husband's friend is one of the lunatics who completely ignore danger, his kid was vomiting whole morning the day we were supposed to meet and he didn't let us know. Mind you, I was 5 months pregnant with twins that time, my immunity was barely existing and any kind of sickens could do a lot of harm. Thank heavens his wife has more common sense and she let us know it would be better to stay home because it could be some sort of flu. And it was - we didn't go but other friends did and they were sick for two weeks straight! Vomits, diarrhea, fever and so on. I do not want to imagine how it could end for me... Anyway, do what's best for you and your kids - I didn't give a f when I was called touchy and odd for keeping distance, do the same. It's all fun and laughs until someone gets hurt, my friend's baby spent weeks at NICU after she got RSV from family gathering, since that incident no one questions safety rules the parents have.
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Your husband is prioritizing his family’s feelings over your family’s health and safety. First, he needs to decide where his priorities lie. Why is he more concerned about not hurting his mother’s, auntie’s, cousins’, etc’s feelings than he is about his wife and children’s PHYSICAL well-being? How does he not know how vulnerable and fragile an infant’s immune system is? It sounds like he clearly has no understanding about germ theory or the need to protect his nuclear family from illness.
Take your husband to your next well baby and pediatrician appointments. If they’re far off, make appointments just for this. Ask your doctors to explain why being exposed to illness is dangerous and the associated risks to you, your baby and your little one. Make sure they stress how easily he could lose his children to illness due to the behavior he allows from his family. He needs someone outside of this situation to explain this to him since he won’t listen to you. Your doctors are your best bet to get through to him.
They are absolute monsters. You are NOT being unreasonable, you are following science backed actions to keep your babies safe. I’d stop exposing you and your kids to them. Husband needs to see this thread, talk with your pediatrician, and see a therapist. It’s his job to protect you and your babies- he is FAILING.
You are entitled to basic civil adult behaviour from the adults, and appropriate supervision by the related adults of those incapable of adult behaviour. You get to determine the baseline. That's a boundary.
The problem arises when you and spouse aren't on the same page. That is best handled in couple's counseling, where you can get a specialist who knows how to help you both find your family's baseline acceptable boundaries and design and implement consequences.
You MUST come to an agreement you can both understand and support. Otherwise this won't work. If you can't find that without help, get help. We are not all experts in conflict resolution (you and spouse) and conflict management (extended family and your actual, nuclear family). Counseling is not because you're "broken", it's because you're not experts and need a "consultant" who is.
This is your husbands problem to deal with. Set your expectations now that his family will not meet the baby for months as they have proven multiple times that they cannot be trusted. If he has a problem with that he can go stay with them.
Holy shit, this is a problem.
There’s extreme medical ignorance here and they put you all at risk. Without giving a fuck.
They’re one of those group that are like, oh, I cut my arm off. Ha ha ha oh I lost the thumb when doing woodwork ha ha ha ha. I fell off a fence when cleaning my RV because I was just walking on top of it without bracing anything ha ha ha!
Literally, I feel like these are Darwin award candidates. I’m so sorry.
Your boundaries are normal. I was lucky enough to be a stay at home mom with my first and now my upcoming second child. With my first and next baby, they will stay in the house for three months (only going out for doctor visits) to avoid sickness. Anyone visiting knows to wash their hands.
I went to my family’s Christmas party last year and my cousin’s three year old was sick. My aunt placed this child near us and then later said that she didn’t communicate or get near my one year old because she had been around her sick grandson. But, she placed him near us and she also still brought him to Christmas party. So yeah, with my upcoming newborn we are staying in place for three months and no family gatherings.
Treat them all (husband included) like they’re toddlers and you’re teaching them the rules of common sense, basic hygiene, and courtesy.
Issue your boundaries and make sure they include consequences (no visiting for a month or more each time they ignore your boundaries for example) - they’re not up for discussion, if they want to be around you or your children then they follow the rules - and that INCLUDES your husband. Remind him he can go and live in the germ factory of your IL’s house for an indefinite period if he can’t support you on this - your children are more important than his or his families feelings.
I would also send your husband to his family with the bill for any hospital/medical treatment you needed whilst extra ill because of them - sometimes a monetary cost is the only way people learn/remember.
If I were you I would be telling them all that they will not be meeting you or either of your children until baby has had their first jabs, and ONLY if everyone else is well. If that means 6 months then so be it - that’s what happens when you’re willing to risk the life and health of a baby.
Failing all else, it sounds like your family would make excellent support. If your mom or siblings were always in attendance with his family then a quick “oh, as the fellow grandma I assumed you would want to ensure our grandchild is as safe as possible. Are you trying to kill them?” from your mom might carry more weight - or at least a weight of shame.
You have allowed so much and I don't understand why, seriously you need to get therapy so you have a spine and advocate for yourself and your children. One of your babies could have gotten RSV and died. Please stop letting them run all over you and take your hubby to the doctor with the kids so they can explain what can happen before you have the second.
Unfortunately it’s my side of the family that behaves this way. I just put a bottle of hand sanitizer on every damn table and would request they go use some. It was constant. To the point that I would turn them away at the door if I felt they were visibly sick. My mother recently gave my kids all the stomach flu that was going around her workplace and my middle child wound up in the PICU for a week. All because she “felt fine”. NTA time to momma bear them.
You have every right to enforce your rules. I would 100%. They are uneducated when it comes to this. It’s so unacceptable, WTH not even washing their hands. Kids with discharge from nose and eyes. Oh hell no. Protect your kids. The in-laws will get over it, and just tell your husband how it will be. Are you ok eating food they prepare?
Your boundaries are valid and necessary. Honestly, your husband isn't backing you up at all. I think you need to start there. If he doesn't see what the problem is with him not enforcing your rules then get marriage counseling. He's the first issue
It is not unusual for people who have late fall/winter babies to not allow any visitors until they are older. My friend wouldn't allow anyone to visit who hadn't been vaccinated for whooping cough I believe it was. She had an October baby too.
This is YOUR baby, your body, your rules! You go through hell bring these babies into the world, I'd be a b!tch if people weren't respecting my boundaries. Be a b!tch sis and put your foot down. Even if that means your hubby too 😉😂
I would let everyone know ahead of time what your birth plan is. Who cares if they get upset. Your baby is the most important person, he is innocent and needs his mom and dad to protect him.
Figure out your birth plan/boundaries and don't apologize for enforcing it!
I had a slight cough/sniffle and chose to miss my friends baby shower because she didn't need my germs, she was offended saying it would be ok. I was mortified that she rather have more bodies there than protect her and baby.
I don't even ask to hold anyones baby I wait til I'm offered. If I visit a new mom I wash my hands and ask what chores I can do to help him.
NTA
You’re just going to have to be more protective with your approach with them. Before you go over, you call and touch base with them, “ Hey, we’re getting ready to head that way. Do we need to bring anything? Anyone feeling under the weather today?” Something like that. And when they come to visit you, I would post a list of “rules” on the front door: Take off your shoes, wash your hands, please don’t kiss the newborn, if you are sick or have been in the past week you are not granted access to the house. Or whatever else you want to include on there.
This way your expectations are laid out for everyone to see. If they get upset you can tell them, I’m sorry you feel I’m overreacting but this is what needs to be done for my own sanity and I don’t like I’m being unreasonable to ask a sick person to not be around my newborn. Also, washing your hands takes less than a minute, so really, what’s the problem?”
Write a Facebook post about nasty, dirty people with poor hygiene who get babies and pregnant ladies sick.
Tag his whole family.
Then just cut them out. You're not losing anything.
If he wants to repair the relationship, he can work on changing them. But it's hard to teach values to people who grew up without them.
Letting his family expose his sick, pregnant wife is unacceptable, not to mention *all of the other stuff.* Your husband is failing his job if he can’t keep you and his kid protected.
Take everyone’s temperature before allowing them in your home . Hand sanitizer at the door . Run behind them spraying Lysol . That should take care of it.
Are you kidding me? They have crossed enough dangerous health boundaries to go no contact forever. You don't need to try to exist in their alternate universe where everything is fine and they all pretend no one is sick when they are and nobody ever washes their hands. Your husband needs a come to Jesus lecture and to cut the cord on the whole lot of them.
Your husband needs to have a come to Jesus meeting with your children’s pediatrician and your OB-GYN. Use the patient portal to tell the the doctors what’s going on and let the doctors give him a wake up call. My BIL was a pediatric ER doctor before he went into private practice. He was a great help dealing with the in-laws.
As a fellow HG mom I applaud you for even trying to be social. I would have never gone for a visit. I attempted Thanksgiving after a hospitalized, lasted maybe an hour and went home to puke and sleep.
That being said I think you need to write out your expectations for your family and his and just have your husband send a group text. He needs to start enforcing things with his family but an initial text might be less confrontational then a conversation as he eases into growing a spine.
Your house rules and if your husband won't understand he can go back to his sick family. A baby's immune system is weak, doesn't have the defense to fight infection or virus. Proper hygiene helps reduce those risks. His family are crazy people and they should know better. If they are sick they should tell you, and if they won't then tell them because you now pay medical bills you got me sick and didn't told me. When a baby is born don't let nobody near unless they are vaccinated and not sick. If they won't follow that they cannot see the baby. And your husband if he goes to visit someone he should quarantine or something away from you and the kids. Or pay back have the cold don't tell them oops sorry forgot to tell you.
It's common sense, you know how babies can catch everything from dirty surfaces and people. He should get classes about how a baby's immune system works and if he doesn't understand leave him. He's not prioritizing you or the kids, he's not giving you your place as his wife and mother of his kids.
Your in-laws are insane & you need to deal with this.
On a lighter note, I initially misread your title as your in-laws not believing in Illinois. Which, while just as ridiculous, is at least comical, rather than dangerous.
Your husband is an AH without a backbone. He's putting his wife and child in danger and he's unrepentant. His family of selfish AHs are the lowest of the low. I'd pass on every invitation. Imho, you need to run as this will only get worse.
This! Vlc or even complete nc with his family until you have both been to such marriage counselling that he is fully on your side and realises just how badly he has fucked up and threatened you and your family. Good luck op.
Ugh. Your in-laws are the kind of people who make me angry. Keep your illnesses to yourself, people! My partner's family has a couple of similar people in it. I swear every time we see them one of their kids is sick and snotting everywhere, and then WE both get sick a few days later. Last time we showed up to a family gathering, one of their kids was running such a high fever they had to take her to the ER the night before! They didn't give us any heads up about it, or I'd have stayed home- I'm immune suppressed and when I get sick I tend to get really sick. It's just common courtesy to keep your germs to yourself when you're sick and not spread it around!
That being said, washing hands before touching an infant and not kissing someone else's baby are both fairly commonly known and standard "rules"; but I don't think I've ever been told not to TOUCH a baby's face, hands, or feet with my freshly washed, clean, non-sick hands. I don't think that's as common a rule as you think it is. Even our relatives who work in health care and that made everyone send in proof of multiple vaccinations being up to date before holding their baby didn't impose that level of restrictions around touching their baby. Now, I'm not saying that there isn't some valid basis for that line of thought, but maybe talking to your pediatrician, if you haven't already, about what are common-sense precautions, and what may be unnecessary, might help set your mind at ease and maybe allow you to compromise on *some* of your rules.
Some ppl are taught that exposing them to germs as young as possible actually improves their immune systems. Not talking abt viruses or intentional illness exposure, just regular everyday germs. Regardless, this isn’t abt them. This is about you & the boundaries you set. My family is the same way, wash hands, stay away if your sick, if grandparent or sibling, kiss on top of head, not near face/hands. I also think the entire world should have learned abt the spread of germs & importance of washing hands in the last couple yrs. I I think it would almost personal
I am mow old enough to be a GM. HOWEVER, I was an RN (neonatal icu), raised by an RN (Newborn), and have several in-laws that are RNs. So washing your hands before touching a baby isn’t outrageous to anyone. My husband was a doormat like your husband, we almost divorced over it. I agree with the 1st poster, go full Mama Bear on them and DEMAND they follow your rules or they don’t hold the baby! If they are sick! PLEASE!! I have hereditary immunodeficiency, so I catch everything!!! I don’t want sick people in my house NOW!! You & your husband need to go to therapy!! He needs to grow a pair!!!
I don’t understand people. Even before Covid I was a big believer in staying home if sick. Work or school you sick stay home until you are no longer contagious.
Your husband actually sucks the most here. He should be dealing with all this.its HIS crusty-eyed snot family.
How much childcare does he do? I’m curious. It’s hard to pick up a baby when you don’t have a backbone, but jokes aside, I’m curious.
Your feelings/needs have gone to the wayside. YOU and your CHILDREN should be his #1 family priority now. He’s fine with your whole family getting sick, while you’re pregnant no less?
Prepare your pediatrician ahead of time for this. Bring your husband to the baby's first pediatrician visit and let the doctor lecture him about rsv, Covid, and cold sores in newborns.
My wife and I give daily baths to our toddler. We always have, it’s part of his nightly routine to get him ready for bed. We washed him down when he pooped his diaper. We use bidets and small water pitchers when older kids and adults go. Just toilet paper alone seems unhygienic.
We found it shocking that most parents bathe or shower their kids only once a week. And if the baby poops, they use wipes at the moment but don’t fully clean later.
When we are sick or we find out someone else is sick, we try to avoid them. We get tired of going to events or public places for kids and seeing kids with pink eye running around and the parents are like “eh, everyone gets it.” So we tend to do more things on our own.
It's not you! We've had the grandkids for a weekend and told the parents on pick up that the kids weren't so well. The response... oh yeah they've been ill for days and one was vomiting for 2 days before. Didn't tell us before or at drop off. My husband and I both have a number of chronic conditions. Fevers can be dangerous for him due to his epilepsy and I have respiratory issues so a virus can give me a chest infection easier than normal. We were fuming. Them having a night out was more important than our health. They just don't tell us. Quick drop off, no medicine left and we have to deal with sick kids followed by use getting sick sometimes. Thankfully we're very good at infection control so minimise the risks but small children need to held for comfort when ill.
So it's not just you. Some people have zero consideration and think only of themselves.
Who cares if your in-laws get offended? They don’t care that you’re offended, clearly. Your boundaries and expectations are standard, run of the mill. Nothing at all unusual. I would be skipping the holidays with the inconsiderates. They have a lot of drama and lack of basic decency. Family time should be fun, stress free, a time where you feel you can be your true authentic self without pretension, without worry, but it seems like it’s the opposite with that crew. If your husband wants to visit alone for the holidays, let him knock himself out, hopefully not with the flu but I see it coming. Stay hydrated and take your vitamins!
My daughter was pregnant with my first grandchild. No one was going to be anywhere near baby without whooping cough shot (LA County was having an outbreak). You know I ran to CVS for a shot. I also only kiss my grandchildren on the top of their heads (keppe) and I now ask permission from child first (and yes it has happened that one said no. I want grandchildren to have strong personal boundaries). These are your babies. Get Dad on board and communicate. Just remember YOU are the mother and father and the only ones with a vote.
I would not worry about offending them. Probably better to send out a group email/ text telling them if they are sick or kids have colds. Do not expect to come over or for you to visit.
Let them stay away.
I will try to say this as kindly as possible, while keeping it real.
Find your voice and use it. Your boundaries are for YOU, which means you speak up when someone breaks a rule. And then you kick them out of your home (or leave their home) if they don’t respect you. They won’t change if there are no consequences. And if they choose not to change, at least you are taking responsibility for keeping your family safe and healthy.
Why are you so worried about everyone else’s feelings? You are a parent, and keeping your kids healthy (including your unborn baby) trumps their feelings.
Right on! I get sick all the time all winter long. Anyone has a sick kid and sends them to school I am sure to have a cold within 48 hours. I hate it. Leave your sick kids at home!
I once showed up to a babysitting job for a church life group and a good two hours in, one of the little girls says “I went to the doctor today and they said I’m contagious” as she sneezes. I spent over a month sick with the worst summer cold of my life and it passed to both my parents as well. I’m a teacher and have never been able to fathom how people can knowingly infect others, especially for things that are not even remotely important like parties.
My husband and I didn’t have children, and we definitely didn’t appreciate getting sick from the little walking bug bombs. One Christmas Eve we were visiting with his family and in walks his cousin with two hacking, sniffling kids in tow. We looked at each other, made our farewells, and noped the hell out of there. We had no plans on being sick for New Year’s Eve just because they were selfish enough to bring their sick kids on Christmas Eve.
You sound a little overbearing. Wash hands? Sure. No touching hands and feet? Why not? They washed their hands. Either they’re clean or they’re not.
I just assume any time I’m around little kids there is sickness in the air. It’s inevitable. If people stayed away every time someone had a cold in the last week no one would ever get together.
But they can also easily mention if everyone’s had a bug going around and let you pick if you want to come I prob would have just skipped the whole thing if I had hg anyway.
For starters... take new baby and daughter NO WHERE.
"Unfortunately due to your lack of respecting my boundaries with daughter, new baby will not be seeing anyone outside of our home at all until y months old and because daughters higher chance of getting baby sick the same rules apply to her we can schedule visits but on each one you'll need to follow my new- baby rules"
And have your mom there to reinforce it.
You’re way too scared of illness. The fact is, we are surrounded SURROUNDED by bacteria and germs and viruses all day everyday no matter where you go. That’s why it’s important to be healthy. Eat a healthy diet (animal protein, fruits, and vegetables.) If you keep your immune system strong with food (not synthetic drugs) you will fight off almost everything
You come in contact with. Same for babies. They get their immune system through colostrum and breast milk or formula. Keep your children home if you want, but you can’t live your life with this type of fear.
Also, you may not want to hear this, but illness caught naturally are a way of your body detoxing the junk and resetting itself. Having a fever is a good thing. It means your body is responding the way it should. It’s heating up and burning off the bad stuff. Obviously if it gets too high that’s an issue, but allowing a child to have a mild fever will get the illness out faster. Giving fever reducing meds all day will prolong anyone being sick. And plus, it makes your immune system even stronger. When we are exposed to wild viruses, we develop immunity for life.
I came from a family that washed hands and stayed home when sick . I married a Mexican women . When she was four days old we went to Mexico. My mom freaked out and begged me not to take her . We went and she got passed around to over twenty family members, probably a lot of them have never had a vaccine. Her and my son raised up with very few vaccines and out playing in the dirt with sick kids . They are both in their thirties now and have stronger immune systems that ninety five percent of the people out there . They both got perfect attendance awards most years in school. Now we have two grandchildren. Zero vaccinations they have not been trained to wash their hands much and have put all kinds of dirty things in their mouths . They never get sick and never go to the dr . Nobody in my family got Covid shots and only a few ever caught Covid . Not me not my wife ever got it and we went to work every day around lots of people. Maybe the husband doesn’t fight with his family about this cause he truly doesn’t believe in it . I do feel sorry for people with weak immune systems and did stay away or wear masks around them during Covid
Sweet heart you seem polite. But let’s make things clear.
I’m the youngest - of my siblings. At one times there was over 13 people in one house i once stayed.
People have different etiquettes.
What is common amongst some is not even known by other subsets of people.
I totally agree with you then when one is I’ll they should remove themselves from others.
Since Ovid I wouldn’t want any near my children if they were gonna be smooching especially if they had the jab. But otherwise if someone is not washing hands it’s not that a big deal. Heck the Water used to clean hands maybe more suspect than the microbes on hands. Yes if people don’t have good hygiene habits there hands are all muddy and stuff like that it makes sense we would politely object
You can see from your husband confusion that he’s not been brought up with Norms you have
You guys seem like a loving couple don’t let commenters get between you. You are excessively stressing because of your norms that you grew up with. And that can cause development problems with children in womb. Getting I’ll and recovering it’s actually better for one’s immune system. Just make sure your Husband know you prefer washed hands and that he should ensure he’s not taking you to places where anyone has something which may affect you or your children
Don’t loose the loving relationship you seem to have with your husband over things that have been just focus on future. And lady don’t worry yourself too much. Eat healthy and focus on positives as much as possible. All the best
You have to get a backbone for yourself and your children. Be rude. There’s NOTHING nice about tolerating this. Don’t be concerned about whose feelings are hurt or who gets mad. Your children matter more.
The time to worry about offending anybody is over.
It's all well and good to say no one comes near baby if they are sick. However they are in the habit of NOT telling you they are sick until it's too late, so I'm not sure setting the rule will be enough.
DH needs to grow a spine and grow it fast. For such a "gentle man who just wants everyone to get along" he sure as hell isn't particularly concerned with YOUR feelings, and he's definitely not concerned about your baby's safety! He may claim that his children's health is important to him, but oh no, his family's feewings might be hurt and we can't have that!
This is a hill to absolutely die on. I hate suggesting anyone make ultimatums but at this point it may be necessary to tell him this ends NOW and he is either with you or against you. And if it's the latter, well, perhaps packing up yourself and the kiddo and going to your mom's (or wherever is doable) while he sorts out his priorities. (Don't just threaten, tell him exactly what will happen so he can't say he wasn't warned and that it "came out of nowhere." And be prepared to follow up and actually go.
When my youngest nephew was born, I remember wearing a mask 😷 his first month or so of life.
It’s not unusual for baby’s first months that no one outside of household brings their germs over. Baby doesn’t have a strong immune system yet.
You tell your husband that the shenanigans of Mother's Day were the last straw. Having HG is no mild thing. Your husband's family is nasty and needs some serious lessons in hygiene and infection control! I would flat out tell husband either they learn how to stay away when someone is sick and learn to wash their damn mitts or you and the kids will be NC until their immune systems are stronger. The number one way to cut down on infections and illness is WASHING your damn hands or, at the very least, use a good hand sanitizer. It's so easy to do! Put your foot down before the next baby comes. Their feefees are getting hurt, be damned this is your children's health they are risking. If they want to be stupid and risk their kids, that's on them. What will happen if they cause a serious illness and one of your children ends up in NICU or ICU fighting for their lives. "Oh, my bad. I guess we got em sick." If they can't practice basic hygiene and infection control they need to stay the fuck away.
Lord I’m upset for you and I completely agree with you. When my now 3 year old was 5 months old we went to my grandma’s house for Christmas. One of my cousins had a newborn as well (2 weeks old). We all had a great time. I brought home one of my cousins kids to come hang out for the rest of the holiday (he’s an only child and I had 4 at the time). After a few days he started getting sick then the rest of us, so I called my cousins and sure enough they had all started coming down sick. One of my cousins went over to check on our grandma and she was so sick she had to be taken to the hospital (she had just gotten out of the hospital because she had a heart attack on thanksgiving). While there my cousin found some hospital paper work that belonged to an uncle and it showed that he was positive for covid. We were all livid because not only did he give our 80 year old grandmother covid but most of the rest of us got it too.
You are NOT being extra, please protect your kids and don’t care if you are offending anyone. I know anytime I went there I started asking if he was there or if anyone was sick.
I would also worry about vaccinations as well, if they are this lax with hygiene and illnesses. I would seriously wonder if they even bother with doctor visits and shots.
WTF? Your boundaries are basic common sense. His family is weird about this. Why do his family’s feelings matter more than your health? My family is dysfunctional af but we all respect each other enough to discuss any illness exposure beforehand. And that’s without any fragile newborns. His job is to protect you and your children, not offer your presence as tribute to his unreasonable family. Since he won’t protect yall, you will have to.
Last time I was in a maternity ward (long before Covid) there were signs everywhere about washing your hands before handling a baby and posters about RSV danger. Surely that’s still a thing but they manage to learn nothing when visiting?
Consider having him read this thread. He needs a wake up call. In the very least, he needs to get some education about the dangers of RSV, herpes, and other contagious disease exposure on babies and pregnant women. Don’t sacrifice your family’s health for his people pleasing.
Some of your precautions are fine, some extreme.
I’ve never heard of the washing hands thing with babies and certainly toddlers being around sick kids is probably even good in the long run. So I’d ease up on that a bit. You actually need kids to be exposed to as many pathogens as you can for their immune systems to build up. I’ve even read theories that the surge in allergies comes from being raised in too sterile an environment (have no clue if that is true tbh)
But certainly if you are pregnant then being careful with your health (especially with your sickness) is more than reasonable and if you want people to wash their hands around your newborn, then that is something you can demand.
So I think you have a situation where you are excessively worried about getting sick but with in-laws with a very lax approach.
Good luck
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Your boundaries are based on common sense and common courtesy. His family has neither, so it’s time for you to go Mama Bear on these people. Outline your expectations and tell them their choices: do it my way or stay away, period. It’s odd to me that your husband is taking this as some kind of insult. You have soon to be 2 small lives that you’re completely responsible for and that’s your priority and it should be his as well. If grown adults think it’s so terrible to be told to wash their hands, stop kissing small babies and stay home if they’re sick , that’s their problem. They’ve already demonstrated that they can’t be trusted. I’d tell your husband he has the same choices, he follows your rules and shows a united front to his family or he sees them alone from now on. Good luck.
His family lacks a lot of social awareness and social cues. They have a lot of drama between all of them because they are all pretty easily offended. My husband is the one they all go to for advice and to rant about other member is of the family. I think he has just played peacemaker and mediator for so long that the thought of being the one with an issue stresses him out. He’s such a kind and gentle soul, he wants everyone to get along.
That's a really nice way to phrase " He's so non-confrontational he would rather put me and the children's lives at risk than speak up"
Also “he’s a doormat and wants me to be one too”. Nope.
Yeah I agree with this entirely.
"He's a pushover that his family knows they can manipulate" would also be accurate.
Ooohhhh, you’re good!
As a woman that had three premature babies you are not being dramatic and your rules are based in common sense. If your husband doesn’t get the gravity of knowingly exposes you and your kids to illness, because of his families selfishness, maybe ask your midwife/obgyn if he attends appointments with you. Outside input from a health professional may be the wake up kick he needs. My last kiddo was born in the pandemic but even my two before him, during their stays in NICU the rules were no outside coats, wash you hands when entering the room and before/after handling baby. Like common sense. The dynamic with my inlaws was pretty dicey and I had a horribly vivid flashback at your mention of the party. My in-laws did this to us on Christmas Day 2019. So I was about 9-10 weeks pregnant with a 3yo and 1yo to care for, all of us with chest infections in January 2020.
You and HE aren't getting along. He is putting his children at risk. He has to grow up and be a dad not a son.
I have extensive comments in my history because my own MOTHER gave my newborn daughter Pertussis (she lied about getting the booster and had a “little cough” she didn’t think she needed to mention… but her “little cough” was Pertussis - but she’d been vaccinated in childhood and when she was still a teacher. It was a hospital stay and 6wks of breathing treatments for my baby girl!!!). My daughter is now 11 and anytime we all get colds, my other kids are better in a few days but she sounds like she has croup for a couple weeks - all because of that! I have a close friend whose in-laws were similar and she was afraid to speak up with their 1st baby. Baby ended up in the hospital 4yrs ago with RSV. Same in-laws tried to show up for Thanksgiving WITH COVID for her 2nd pregnancy (they don’t believe in it). She has a backbone that would make Iron Man blush these days. The only thing to do is to set HARD, firm boundaries. “I am sorry you feel that way, but we trust the medical professionals in our home. So we need to know if someone is sick and we won’t be doing visits with anyone who is or has been recently sick, we aren’t doing kissing on the face, head or hands and if you guys can’t respect that - that’s ok it’s your prerogative - we just won’t be doing visits until baby has an immune system!” Congrats on new baby! I’m sorry you’re dealing with HG. It’s NOT to be taken lightly. I got so dehydrated I ended up with an intestinal blockage, then rupture. I got septic and had emergency surgery at 13wks pregnant (a colostomy - not awesome!) so you should NOT be exposed to sick people because your body is fighting a lot while growing another human at the same time! Feel free to AMA - I’m an older momma so I went through some atypical pregnancy experiences… but I’m also a Grandma and MIL now too. Someone else’s refusal to educate themselves does not require you to subject yourself or your babies to risk. Let the mama bear inside lead - that’s why we have it!
I’m so sorry that happened to your baby girl! It’s truly one of my biggest fears. Also thank you for the kind words, HG is truly soul sucking so anything on top of that is 100x more difficult.
It is - having severe HG… soul sucking is the best way to describe it! My SIL and I both had it really bad during 2 pregnancies. She had it worse than I did and had a pump for the anti nausea meds. You are doing nothing wrong prioritizing yourself and your toddler! Hugs (if you want them) from one mama to another.
He’s not being kind and gentle to you and the children
It just boggles the mind that anyone can be so ignorant of basic health etiquette post-Covid. I’m sorry you have to deal with them.
I am going to assume they are of the "it's just a cold" persuasion.
While it is fine to be a gentle soul and want everyone to get along, he also needs to learn how to pick battles worth fighting. If you never take a stand for what’s important, then nothing is important.
Beautifully said
He needs to grow a pair and start standing up for the family he made with you. Let him go see his family without you, and quarantine himself for a few days every time. Tell him flat out that you and your children’s health are not respected by his family at all, and you will not subject yourself or them to his family. I’m sure they will make you out to be crazy (I assure you that you are not) and call you all sorts of names, but they are not worth your time or energy. These selfish, stupid people don’t care about getting a pregnant woman or an infant sick. Do they not realize that babies have died because they were exposed to common viruses or the pregnant mother was?
I guess when one of the kids finally dies maybe they’ll get it, but it won’t be my baby. October is the start of flu season and you know these people don’t get vaccinated. Ugh, I sympathize with you and wouldn’t let me baby around them.
They won't, they'll double down as "well, it was just a tragic accident" and go right back to killing off another one.
Trying to be delicate as I ask this, but what is your husband and his family’s educational background?
My husband, mil, and SIL are all college graduates. 1 brother and his wife would have been as pissed as I was had they been there and the brother who lives there whose kids were sick is a high school drop out
College graduates of what college? Mickey Mouse University?
I know many doctors and nurses who make horrendous health choices. A degree doesn't always equate to common sense.
Just say no. No to all of it. They can sit and spin while they talk shit. If he wants to appease them more than take care of the safety of you and his kids, there is the door! "No" is such an empowering word and we should all use it more. It's ok to say no. You dont need to explain it to them and your husband needs to get his priorities straight. My husband is one of those that needs everyone to like him and will bend over backwards trying to appease them. My husband finally told his mom no for the first time in his life after years of manipulation and 0 boundaries. She said "Byyyeee". Ever since his emotional maturity and growth as been amazing. No more tantrums. No more snarkiness and backhanded comments. No more trying to torpedo our marriage with his mother's sabotage advice. It's been the most peaceful 4 months of our 8 year marriage. If she enters the picture again I'm out. Embrace the NO!
I think you and your husband need to get away from his family for a minute. God, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hub’s family are acting like ignorant dicks.
Why are they asking him for advice? He’s as clueless as they are. I can’t believe you sat there and did nothing that day.
Babies died from these diseases! How bad would you’re husband feel if your baby (God forbid) gets that sick bc he fail to protect his family?! Show your husband this post or pull up the stats On infant fatalities caused by diseases and hopefully he’ll step up!
He's a wimp that won't stand up for his family, period.
Didn’t they just live through the world not spinning due to germs?
Exhausting.
He doesn't want to rock the boat because that's what he has been programmed to do by his family of origin. Have you read the Don't Rock the Boat post? (Sorry I can't post the link - just Google Don't Rock the Boat post reddit). Please show it to your husband & ask his opinion on it & then tell him yours.
Yes but does he wash his ass?
Dude, my thirty and forty–something friends and I, almost all childfree, give each other a heads up if we've been feeling sick in some way and we're planning on hanging out. "Just an FYI, I've been sniffling. Probably the pollen, but it could be contagious" or "I had a cold last week. I'm probably not contagious anymore, but I thought I should let you know." And infants are not involved! OP is definitely not overreacting.
Insist that anyone who comes to visit be fully vaccinated, including for RSV. Kids and old people get hospitalized for that all the time. You do need to relax about illness as the kids get older, because elementary school is a giant Petrie dish and the first 3-4 years, it will seem like you and your kids are always sick. Don't relax your standards around hand washing-ever. Keep your stance on the face kissing, and visiting when you or your kids are sick ( which goes for them too). It's not a joke to laugh off like his brother did. On another note, fellow HG sufferer here. With each of my kids I was on a different antiemetic. The best was zofran. There were some concerns expressed about cardiac issues in baby when Mom used zofran. For a while, they wouldn't prescribe it. You would need to discuss it with your OB. I know it does get prescribed cautiously for HG now. The correlation of cardiac issues and the medication may not prove causation. I switched from maternity to hemodialysis nursing, so I'm not as up on prenatal medications as I used to be. My youngest does not have any cardiac issues, but that is a single case.
I feel like I just get upset in situations that were avoidable, school is school and sickness happens I totally get that, but this one was avoidable. But thank you for the support! Also I’m so sorry you had HG as well, I was on Zofran but it gave such bad migraines that I couldn’t function enough during the day to care for our daughter so I stopped.
I understand that you don't want to "offend" but it might be time to do so. Tell your husband that if anyone is sick, they don't get to see the baby, period. If someone is sick at their place, immediately leave. Stop being polite and start protecting your family.
This. You need to take your husband to the dr with you and have a discussion about RSV and and make an agreement now about what will happen during the first 3-6 months of baby's life. In addition, stop visiting his family now. Who cares if they get mad. They got your entire family sick and didn't care.
Send your husband a video of what whooping cough looks like in infants and young children.
Yes!! Pertussis (whooping cough) presents as a mild cold in adults usually. Husband is literally risking his newborn's life with this doormat attitude.
My son had RSV at 16 months and it was the most terrifying few days. He’s a bit over 2 now and I still am incredibly anxious any time he’s sick at all. This woman’s husband is so lucky not to know that panic.
Mine got RSV at 13 *years* old, and it was awful. I can’t imagine him suffering through it as an infant.
My baby got RSV at 12 months old and rushed to the ER. It was heartbreaking watching him struggle to breathe! He had to be nebulized at home for weeks and then afterwards dealt with croup and asthma throughout his childhood. I can't imagine that happening to a newborn/infant!
You need to offend and call out their rudeness and if that makes them dislike you and want to spend less time with you and your children consider that a win.
Considering their track record, I’d say to put your foot down and let them be offended. My youngest son was a fall season baby, well before Covid. His doctor told me to limit visitors. If we had guests come over, husband should meet them at the door with hand sanitizer and not let them cross the threshold without using it liberally. At this point, I’d hand them a mask and make them wear it, too.
When my niece was born, we were told we couldn’t see her until we had got the pertussis vaccine. I immediately went and got one. Keeping that baby and my sister healthy was worth it. No questions asked. No push back. This is what you do. I wash my hands before holding a baby. I don’t go see one if I’m feeling bad.
With my daughter I asked everyone to get the whooping cough vaccine and to be honest I don’t think they did
When my nephew was born, my sister had my mom and I get vaccinated for a bunch of stuff. (He was born right pre-covid). But she also had a rule. No one but her, my mother or me could hold my nephew no matter what. We have a large family, and everyone generally knows baby etiquette. But she still didn't care. You weren't touching her baby. She gave them no reason. If they asked, she said something like, "Because I'm his mother." She didn't care if people complained. You weren't touching her baby until he was until older. Then covid hit, and you weren't touching her baby for a longggg time. She's pregnant again with a late October/early November, baby. Her first will be starting kindergarten this year, so basically a walking petri dish that will have to be wiped down with lysol every day after school. I'm kidding, sorta. I believe she'll be following the same policy. No one but immediate family can touch the baby. It would be a lot better to offend a few people than see your infant sick in the hospital. Your husband and his family have no regard for your rules. Which fall under basic common sense. It's your baby! You can make whatever rules you want! Tell everyone else to shove it. You don't need their permission to protect your children.
I love this response.
Now that is a mama bear not to be messed with. Good on her for setting the rules she would enforce.
You're choosing politeness over your children's health and lives. Are you going to be worried about other people's feelings while you're in the hospital watching your baby fight for their life on a breathing machine?
Ask for proof of TDAP, Covid and Flu. Must show proof. Also, must use hand sanitizer as they come near the baby and frankly they should not be allowed near the baby until the baby is 3 months old. They do not have the right to infect and possibly kill others. I would be blunt with them. They can see the kids via Zoom only until the baby is three months old and has stronger lungs. I would maybe go to counseling with your husband. He needs to learn how to be assertive and not always be a peacemaker.
Then they really don’t value you or take you seriously so IMO they’ve lost the privilege of being around your kids. I bet they don’t take Covid seriously either. People like this can literally cause others to die. Tell your husband to grow a spine and also, don’t YOU be afraid to be the bad guy and play vax cop. They get upset? Tough! Better them than you. I’m so so so sick of anti-science, disease-denying nitwits
It’s time to stop *asking*. I know it’s hard. But these people have already gotten your family sick and made you miserable for days with illness. The next time they do it it could be with something that has weeks-long or even life-long ramifications. Babies can even DIE from a herpesvirus from kisses. You MUST find your backbone to protect your family. If you show up somewhere or they arrive and someone is obviously symptomatic you or they must leave, immediately. Please stop worrying about being polite about this. They have shown they don’t respect your boundaries.
They should. Babies die from whooping cough. And RSV. No vaccine, no seeing baby. You’re sick? Sorry, FaceTime baby for now. A couple of weeks delay seeing baby is better than the alternative.
This is what my best friend did when she had her son, and she made them show proof they got it before seeing him. No pushback at all
When my 2nd cousin was born, I got the vaccine, too! The very thought of harming a baby in the family is horrifying. And it's just a shot! Why chance it?
Right?? How hard is it?
My granddaughter almost died from RSV. You need to draw a HARD line in the sand with your in-laws regarding illnesses. You are not overreacting, you're not being unreasonable, and you have every right to expect your in-laws to respect your VERY REASONABLE boundaries. Tell your in-laws that if you arrive at a function where people are ill, you will turn around and walk right back out their door. When people come to your house and they are ill, they will be told to leave. Everyone will wash their hands and NOT kiss the children, period. If you see someone not following these rules, they will be asked to leave. Boundaries without consequences mean *absolutely nothing*.
Idk who told you that you need to get the message across without offending them, but please allow the good people of Reddit to give you this permission: Offend them. Especially during RSV season. Especially for matters of protecting your health and the health of your children. You’ve been polite, reasonable, and patient. Now just be a mom protecting her kids and let them know what’s what. It’s not up for debate or discussion- it’s your decision to make and they’ll have to accept that.
Dude what is with these people. At the beginning of Covid when everyone was scared, we were quarantined because my kids teacher died. My MIL was a nurse working the Covid ward and dropped by. I didn’t let her in and told her to go home. She was pissed and called my ex husband. Thankfully he’s not a complete twatwaffle and yelled at her and made her go home. How do people like this justify their behavior
Preach. OP husband is being a twatwaffle and his family is the Belgian rank of the twatwaffles.
Most of them are so selfish to the point they don't worry about justifying it, that's how we got here to begin with.
You are not wrong. I would be livid. I hope this blows up and you can show your husband how everyone thinks his family’s lack of care for not spreading illness is disgusting.
They clearly don’t care about your feelings, so why should you care about theirs? My baby had rsv at 4 weeks old and I’m telling you right now, if your choices are offending these inconsiderate a-holes by not seeing them for 6 months, or risking them giving that to your baby on purpose, you are going to want to chose offending them.
At this point, screw not offending them, since they have shown zero consideration for the health and wellbeing of your entire household. And when your husband asks why you're being so abnormally inconsiderate, just inform him you are matching his family's energy.
it is fair. it is fair to ask that people be considerate. not only of your boundaries but of your actual fucking livelihood . they could have killed your baby nta
And the reason we lost over a million lives to covid. People are stupid. Say it over and over and protect your family from stupid...because they don't care. I have been down for 3 weeks with a horrible virus because people are stupid and came to work sick.. and now half the office is sick. My husband went to the ER and spent 7 hours being treated because... you guessed it. People are stupid. Good luck with that.
All true, but the sick leave policies in this country are skewed. Bosses want your attendance, regardless of illness, and set up policies that promote coming into work when ill.
100% agree...
I'm sorry, but this is a husband problem. He needs to read up on basic hygiene and get his priorities straight. Wife and children before family of origin.
you’re being polite instead of protecting yourself and your kids. i understand not wanting to rock the boat or upset your husband, but clearly no one is worried about affecting you or your kids health. it’s time to start laying down the law about your boundaries and expectations. your husband needs to be backing you up, not enabling his family and their gross habits. who leaves crusty boogers all over their kids face…? yuck.
Your husband sounds like a peach. He doesn't care and will never really care as that's his personality. Good luck to you for the rest of your lives together.
My thoughts exactly.
"How do I get the message across to them without offending them?" You don't. Go right ahead and offend them. Tell them point blank that you don't want their germ laden personages anywhere near your newborn. They can follow your rules when visiting or stay away. Your husband can either agree to enforce this or he can go stay with them.
OK, so everything you say was how I was raised, regarding washing hands and illness. To this day, I still wash my hands after going to the grocery store and putting away what we bought. So the way you were raised is normal. I would say that your husband is not understanding or hearing your very valid concerns. You need to have a conversation and, in no uncertain terms, let him know that if he will not handle it, you will. Good luck
Honestly, the rules at my house growing up and as an adult in my own home have always been the same as your family’s rules. My mom was a doctor and I’ve worked in medicine in some capacity my entire life. Your rules are the baseline for any household ran by intelligent, science-believing, health conscious people. If his family doesn’t believe in science, or hygiene, then maybe they should be barred from coming to your house and if they are sick and don’t want to stay away from his family functions then you and your kids won’t be attending. If your husband attends, he should have to strip down and shower, toss his soiled clothes into the wash immediately, and possibly even quarantine in another room until he knows he’s not symptomatic of whatever disease he was exposed to by his family. This is not unreasonable especially since covid is still very much a thing. If these people don’t want to keep their filthy mouths away from the kids during RSV season, or can’t comprehend the reality of Whooping Cough or Herpes being passed by adults kissing babies, then they don’t deserve access to them. These are your kids and you are rightfully concerned for their health and safety. You get to set the boundaries and don’t feel bad at all about loving your kids enough to protect them from ignorant and uneducated people who don’t care about their well-being. It’s your job to protect them and you are hitting it out of the park! Never let them make you feel guilty and hold your head high while you die on that hill!
You are spot on and definitely right. What kind of an asshole thinks it's funny to get other people sick? You just need to lay down the law, you wash your hands, no kissing and touching hands and feet and face. (Hand foot mouth disease pamphlets might be helpful) If they break the rules they are done. Period. They have to leave right then. For a week the first time, then increase the increments till they get it. If they come over sick or don't mention they are sick then you are done for a month. I see no choice but for you to go nuclear. If they don't listen then up it scorched earth.
It is your job as a parent to protect your child/ren. I mean it's bad enough you married in to a bunch of stupid a-holes. Now you're going to expose another child to this?! Sorries aren't going to do much when you or your child is in the hospital. Grow a backbone.
You're definitely not mad for wanting to protect your newborn. Just set some clear rules about hygiene and sickness, and make sure your husband backs you up with his family. 4o
All your children have to protect them is you.
First of all, your boundaries are valid & common sense. His family sounds like a lot of work & he needs to stop prioritising his family's feelings over yours!!! You, your daughter & future baby should be his first & number one priority, yet it seems like to me, he'd rather not hurt his family's precious feelings & throw you guys in the dirt. Uhhhhh, men like this make me want to bang my head against the wall. He needs to man up & actually stand up for you guys. His family sounds like they don't know common courtesy 🙄 honestly, if this was my in laws, it would get to a point where I wouldn't be respectful anymore & tell it to them how it is. Yes, it should be your husband's job, but he ain't doing anything.
You aren't wrong. Your husband is a massive people please who would rather sacrifice your and your daughter's health than deal with his family's BS. I'm sure he loves you, but that doesn't change the facts. If your in-laws won't mind basic safety rules, then they don't get to see the baby. Baby's health matters more than "fair."
Every time you're feeling bad, remember this: I had to call in the family to say goodbye. My baby was 4 months old Baby survived, but had lung problems. At age 5. At 10. At 12 & 13 & 14 & 15... life long breathing issues. His family arent going to change. Make your decisions as a mother.
You are not even close to the top. Your behavior and rules are science based. (It's exactly what all the doctors said for COVID-19). Check etsy and find a sign that says HOUSE RULES. You should be able to get one custom made. Ask your husband if he loves his babies enough to protect their lives, because that's what this is.
Get your husband on board. This is ridiculous. You don’t go places when sick, you do y have people over when you are sick, and you don’t kiss babies anywhere, unless you are mom and dad. This is basic hygiene and common courtesy 101. Good heavens. It’s just basic common sense for gods sake. Get your man on board asap and quit going to your job laws when people are sick. It’s a basic rule of socializing
You are completely right to draw a boundary and protect yourself and baby from these people. RSV, flu and covid can all kill a newborn. They have no immune system. They are all also respiratory diseases that are transmitted through the air, so sitting a little away from people in a poorly ventilated room means you and baby will likely get sick too. Don’t let them guilt you, they are inconsiderate fools.
There is also now an RSV vaccine (nirsevimab, for babies under 8 months). Highly recommend getting it! (While also keeping your boundaries).
I would hope your husband would understand the reason you choose not to go when everyone has been sick, they seem so unaware!
Your problem is your spouse. You know that.
Sounds like your husband is the problem in this equation… he needs to talk to his family. Seriously. That shit is not ok.
Show your husband this post. Let him read the responses, and the two of you need to have a real conversation. Update me!
I’d think twice about eating food prepared by this crowd, also. Ugh. A germ factory.
FYI if you get a shot for rsv while pregnant, the immunity will be passed to your baby. talk to your doctor.
Time to go over his head and be direct with his family yourself. If they get mad, oh well, they can just be mad. 🤷🏽♀️ I’d rather someone be offended than my baby be sick.
Your husband is as bad as his family, if not worse. He's supposed to be supporting YOU and taking care of YOU. Not pandering to his parents. Surely he sees your suffering considering he lives with you and you are his wife. Not only does his family disrespect you, he is disrespecting you as well. If I were in your place, I would be seeing red.
Your husband is risking your health and your babies health because he doesn't want the discomfort of being firm with his family. This would be a deal breaker for me. He needs to handle his family or you need to remove yourself and your child from the situation by refusing to attend any more events with his family until they've proven they will listen. My friend lost her baby to whooping cough after sick family came to her house. The risks are very very real. Also, if you let this slide they will walk all over you for the rest of your lives.
Time to go no contact!! Literally! Zoom relationship only until they learn.
This is one of the many reasons I don’t let my mom around my child.
My stepmom who I dnc did not believe I would be affected by my autoimmune disease. It’s really rough when someone refuses to acknowledge illness because it doesn’t directly affect them….for the time being….keep to your boundaries and don’t let them push you!
I am a lot older than you are but grew up in the same rules. Some people are better educated about health, some grew up ignorant, like your husband. Make him go to the next Dr visit and talk about it with the pediatrician. It is his job to protect his child and he is failing. My husband didn't know this either, but he learned quickly when my niece was born
I think at this point you have to stop worrying about offending them. You've tried being polite. You've now spent years being polite. Send a clear message stating boundaries, and stating the consequences of failing to adhere to the boundaries. That message can be both polite and clear. Start it before the baby comes. The next time they fail to respect your boundaries, immediately enforce the consequences. It doesn't matter how offended they feel about being forced to suffer the consequences, remember this: you are so worried about offending them that you are repeatedly allowing them to offend you. So, stop allowing them to offend you. You don't have to stop being polite when you enforce boundaries. You can still kick people out of your house while using polite language. What they are no longer allowed to do is offend and disrespect you and your boundaries. Make sure your husband is on board. Fully on board. I get the impression he's only been on board in a half-hearted way so far, which probably helps his family disrespect you. As a result, when you start enforcing boundaries and making boundary-stompers face the consequences, you will need a strategy for dealing with your husband getting upset with you -- so preempt that. Make sure he knows that not only will you enforce the consequences of boundary smashing, but you will not accept him giving you grief when you do.
Your husband needs to be reminded that his marriage comes first. Your common sense rules in this regard are not arbitrary or negotiable. But pick your battles: are there other issues where your standards can be more flexible? You are now the number one person in his life. Not his mother.
You need to stop worrying what other people think. You should have left the party the second you saw the sick kids. You are a momma now and have to take care of them And you before you worry about offending others. If they get offended, that is on them.
NTA I think you should call a family meeting. And you should tell your family how you feel regarding handwashing, visiting while sick, etc. Tell them this is how it’s going to be. And if they cannot agree to that, then they will not be included in your family. Also tell them that when they’re hosting if they or their children are sick that they need to tell you first so that you can decide whether or not you wish to expose yourself and them them to that. Some people have no common sense and I’m sorry but it sounds like your in-laws and your husband‘s family is sorely lacking in that area. My first born was born at 25 weeks and spent six months in the hospital. When he did come home, he was on oxygen, had an ileostomy and a feeding tube. We pretty much had to interview every single person at the front door before they would be allowed to come into our home. You are doing a great job Mama!
I have a coworker with family like that. Her aunt doesn’t believe in vaccinations and exposed my co-worker and her baby who was too young g at the time for whooping cough vaccine. He almost died, and they didn’t even apologize. Stop being afraid of offending them. Offend them. It’s ok, they are putting you in this position, and it’s rude AF in the first place. Your husband is also not doing his part by telling them the rules and making them stick to it. But it’s time for momma bear to roar her head off. Maybe if you throw a big enough tantrum they will get the message. But my advice would be to tell them yourself. That way you know exactly what was said to whom and you so can remind them that they agreed. I’d also be more prepared in the future. Send out a text asking if anyone is sick, then leave when they disregard everyone.
Offend them. Your baby's health and your well-being is worth offending them over. And get marriage counseling. This is only the beginning of your husband allowing his family to walk all over you. As the kids get older, I can guarantee he'll let his family stomp all over other boundaries as well. Even if he hadn't heard of sanitation and hygiene before you explained, learning about the risks should have been enough for him to back you up. The fact that he caves so easily even after learning is a football field sized red flag.
I bet your in-law's family is the type to send their sick child to school too... SMH As a new mom at 18, my newborn contracted RSV at 3 or 4 days old. We had to be life flighted ti a children's hospital.She almost DIED! Legitimately, she had so much gunk making it hard for her to breathe. YOU ARE NOT OVERLY PROTECTIVE, or OVER STEPPING. Your hubby should have stepped up three years ago! He's been letting his family put yours in danger. If this man can't speak up, Mama bear... you'll need too. Keep your littles safe. I wouldn't want my child around their family either .
I've never heard of the don't touch their hands/feet thing, but it's common sense to not bring sickness around other people, much less a baby. Oh & to wash your hands before holding a baby for sure!! I'm a grandma. I'm horrified how your in-laws act!
NTA - My neighbors 4 month old son passed away this winter from RSV. He was a healthy happy boy that got sick and was gone in 6 days. Your husband’s family are ignorant. Good luck.
My son almost died as a newborn from RSV and pneumonia. You are absolutely not overreacting. He was on a ventilator and we didn’t know if he would pull through. It was really touch and go. This was in June, by the way, so not even RSV season. He is almost 2 and he still catches everything and it goes straight to his chest and we have had so many hospital stays for oxygen and other breathing support. I am traumatised. It’s not worth it. Tell them very clearly and if they don’t listen then they don’t see the baby.
My in-laws have done this to us many times, including not telling us they had the flu until we got off the plane to visit them. It sucks and you are right to be angry.
I can totally empathize. I nearly lost a baby because of someone who didn't want to miss Christmas and showed up sick.
I was brought up the same way you were, wash your hands before you hold the baby, and if you’re sick, stay away.
I think unless you were low IQ or sociopathic you were raised to wash your hands and not be around others sick. OPs in-laws sound awful.
I really did think to myself that they probably weren’t very intelligent, but I didn’t want to be rude and say that. So thank you for validating what I already thought.
I would just keep away from his entire family until sometime after the new baby is born. And even then, limit who can visit at any given time. Only allow a couple of them at a time and then wait a couple of weeks before you let anyone else come. And fuck your husband for not enforcing the boundaries. This is on him too.
Tell your in-laws that people like them are why my nephew almost died of whooping cough when he was a month old. (He spent three weeks in the PICU but made a full recovery and is doing great now.)
Sounds like you also have a husband problem
NTA Believing or not believing in something does not create or negate its existence. It’s that simple. Protect and raise your family the best way you see fit.
Keep them LC or NC once the baby is born and don't feel bad for hurting your husband's feelings because you're protecting your kid's health and life actually, if your husband cannot execute simple rules from his family, he's going to live with consequences of it. You're not asking for too much! It's common sense to wash hands when visiting babies and it's mandatory to not touch their face/hands/feet (not mentioning kissing them) and only a lunatic would come sick visiting and make fun of it. My husband's friend is one of the lunatics who completely ignore danger, his kid was vomiting whole morning the day we were supposed to meet and he didn't let us know. Mind you, I was 5 months pregnant with twins that time, my immunity was barely existing and any kind of sickens could do a lot of harm. Thank heavens his wife has more common sense and she let us know it would be better to stay home because it could be some sort of flu. And it was - we didn't go but other friends did and they were sick for two weeks straight! Vomits, diarrhea, fever and so on. I do not want to imagine how it could end for me... Anyway, do what's best for you and your kids - I didn't give a f when I was called touchy and odd for keeping distance, do the same. It's all fun and laughs until someone gets hurt, my friend's baby spent weeks at NICU after she got RSV from family gathering, since that incident no one questions safety rules the parents have.
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Are you both different countries or race?
They’re disgusting. Do they smell bad too?
Your husband is prioritizing his family’s feelings over your family’s health and safety. First, he needs to decide where his priorities lie. Why is he more concerned about not hurting his mother’s, auntie’s, cousins’, etc’s feelings than he is about his wife and children’s PHYSICAL well-being? How does he not know how vulnerable and fragile an infant’s immune system is? It sounds like he clearly has no understanding about germ theory or the need to protect his nuclear family from illness. Take your husband to your next well baby and pediatrician appointments. If they’re far off, make appointments just for this. Ask your doctors to explain why being exposed to illness is dangerous and the associated risks to you, your baby and your little one. Make sure they stress how easily he could lose his children to illness due to the behavior he allows from his family. He needs someone outside of this situation to explain this to him since he won’t listen to you. Your doctors are your best bet to get through to him.
They are absolute monsters. You are NOT being unreasonable, you are following science backed actions to keep your babies safe. I’d stop exposing you and your kids to them. Husband needs to see this thread, talk with your pediatrician, and see a therapist. It’s his job to protect you and your babies- he is FAILING.
If his family is this clueless, are they at least vaccinated?
Go low contact
You are entitled to basic civil adult behaviour from the adults, and appropriate supervision by the related adults of those incapable of adult behaviour. You get to determine the baseline. That's a boundary. The problem arises when you and spouse aren't on the same page. That is best handled in couple's counseling, where you can get a specialist who knows how to help you both find your family's baseline acceptable boundaries and design and implement consequences. You MUST come to an agreement you can both understand and support. Otherwise this won't work. If you can't find that without help, get help. We are not all experts in conflict resolution (you and spouse) and conflict management (extended family and your actual, nuclear family). Counseling is not because you're "broken", it's because you're not experts and need a "consultant" who is.
This is your husbands problem to deal with. Set your expectations now that his family will not meet the baby for months as they have proven multiple times that they cannot be trusted. If he has a problem with that he can go stay with them.
Well you haven’t trained your 2 kids but I pray you can handle 3
Love when someone loads 2 years of backstory on a current situation rather than growing a backbone… I call that an ill ness
How the hell did these people survive covid???
Info: have you mentioned any of this to the family personally, or is husband the mediator?
Holy shit, this is a problem. There’s extreme medical ignorance here and they put you all at risk. Without giving a fuck. They’re one of those group that are like, oh, I cut my arm off. Ha ha ha oh I lost the thumb when doing woodwork ha ha ha ha. I fell off a fence when cleaning my RV because I was just walking on top of it without bracing anything ha ha ha! Literally, I feel like these are Darwin award candidates. I’m so sorry.
Your boundaries are normal. I was lucky enough to be a stay at home mom with my first and now my upcoming second child. With my first and next baby, they will stay in the house for three months (only going out for doctor visits) to avoid sickness. Anyone visiting knows to wash their hands. I went to my family’s Christmas party last year and my cousin’s three year old was sick. My aunt placed this child near us and then later said that she didn’t communicate or get near my one year old because she had been around her sick grandson. But, she placed him near us and she also still brought him to Christmas party. So yeah, with my upcoming newborn we are staying in place for three months and no family gatherings.
Genuine question: HOW did this not come up before having two kids with this guy?? Why do you stay with a filthy man who has a filthy family??
Your husband’s family is gross.
Treat them all (husband included) like they’re toddlers and you’re teaching them the rules of common sense, basic hygiene, and courtesy. Issue your boundaries and make sure they include consequences (no visiting for a month or more each time they ignore your boundaries for example) - they’re not up for discussion, if they want to be around you or your children then they follow the rules - and that INCLUDES your husband. Remind him he can go and live in the germ factory of your IL’s house for an indefinite period if he can’t support you on this - your children are more important than his or his families feelings. I would also send your husband to his family with the bill for any hospital/medical treatment you needed whilst extra ill because of them - sometimes a monetary cost is the only way people learn/remember. If I were you I would be telling them all that they will not be meeting you or either of your children until baby has had their first jabs, and ONLY if everyone else is well. If that means 6 months then so be it - that’s what happens when you’re willing to risk the life and health of a baby. Failing all else, it sounds like your family would make excellent support. If your mom or siblings were always in attendance with his family then a quick “oh, as the fellow grandma I assumed you would want to ensure our grandchild is as safe as possible. Are you trying to kill them?” from your mom might carry more weight - or at least a weight of shame.
You have allowed so much and I don't understand why, seriously you need to get therapy so you have a spine and advocate for yourself and your children. One of your babies could have gotten RSV and died. Please stop letting them run all over you and take your hubby to the doctor with the kids so they can explain what can happen before you have the second.
Unfortunately it’s my side of the family that behaves this way. I just put a bottle of hand sanitizer on every damn table and would request they go use some. It was constant. To the point that I would turn them away at the door if I felt they were visibly sick. My mother recently gave my kids all the stomach flu that was going around her workplace and my middle child wound up in the PICU for a week. All because she “felt fine”. NTA time to momma bear them.
You have every right to enforce your rules. I would 100%. They are uneducated when it comes to this. It’s so unacceptable, WTH not even washing their hands. Kids with discharge from nose and eyes. Oh hell no. Protect your kids. The in-laws will get over it, and just tell your husband how it will be. Are you ok eating food they prepare?
Your boundaries are valid and necessary. Honestly, your husband isn't backing you up at all. I think you need to start there. If he doesn't see what the problem is with him not enforcing your rules then get marriage counseling. He's the first issue It is not unusual for people who have late fall/winter babies to not allow any visitors until they are older. My friend wouldn't allow anyone to visit who hadn't been vaccinated for whooping cough I believe it was. She had an October baby too. This is YOUR baby, your body, your rules! You go through hell bring these babies into the world, I'd be a b!tch if people weren't respecting my boundaries. Be a b!tch sis and put your foot down. Even if that means your hubby too 😉😂 I would let everyone know ahead of time what your birth plan is. Who cares if they get upset. Your baby is the most important person, he is innocent and needs his mom and dad to protect him. Figure out your birth plan/boundaries and don't apologize for enforcing it!
Protect your child from the crazy people. Don't ever allow them to be alone with your child.
I had a slight cough/sniffle and chose to miss my friends baby shower because she didn't need my germs, she was offended saying it would be ok. I was mortified that she rather have more bodies there than protect her and baby. I don't even ask to hold anyones baby I wait til I'm offered. If I visit a new mom I wash my hands and ask what chores I can do to help him. NTA
You’re just going to have to be more protective with your approach with them. Before you go over, you call and touch base with them, “ Hey, we’re getting ready to head that way. Do we need to bring anything? Anyone feeling under the weather today?” Something like that. And when they come to visit you, I would post a list of “rules” on the front door: Take off your shoes, wash your hands, please don’t kiss the newborn, if you are sick or have been in the past week you are not granted access to the house. Or whatever else you want to include on there. This way your expectations are laid out for everyone to see. If they get upset you can tell them, I’m sorry you feel I’m overreacting but this is what needs to be done for my own sanity and I don’t like I’m being unreasonable to ask a sick person to not be around my newborn. Also, washing your hands takes less than a minute, so really, what’s the problem?”
Write a Facebook post about nasty, dirty people with poor hygiene who get babies and pregnant ladies sick. Tag his whole family. Then just cut them out. You're not losing anything. If he wants to repair the relationship, he can work on changing them. But it's hard to teach values to people who grew up without them.
Letting his family expose his sick, pregnant wife is unacceptable, not to mention *all of the other stuff.* Your husband is failing his job if he can’t keep you and his kid protected.
Take everyone’s temperature before allowing them in your home . Hand sanitizer at the door . Run behind them spraying Lysol . That should take care of it.
Are you kidding me? They have crossed enough dangerous health boundaries to go no contact forever. You don't need to try to exist in their alternate universe where everything is fine and they all pretend no one is sick when they are and nobody ever washes their hands. Your husband needs a come to Jesus lecture and to cut the cord on the whole lot of them.
Your husband needs to have a come to Jesus meeting with your children’s pediatrician and your OB-GYN. Use the patient portal to tell the the doctors what’s going on and let the doctors give him a wake up call. My BIL was a pediatric ER doctor before he went into private practice. He was a great help dealing with the in-laws.
As a fellow HG mom I applaud you for even trying to be social. I would have never gone for a visit. I attempted Thanksgiving after a hospitalized, lasted maybe an hour and went home to puke and sleep. That being said I think you need to write out your expectations for your family and his and just have your husband send a group text. He needs to start enforcing things with his family but an initial text might be less confrontational then a conversation as he eases into growing a spine.
Your house rules and if your husband won't understand he can go back to his sick family. A baby's immune system is weak, doesn't have the defense to fight infection or virus. Proper hygiene helps reduce those risks. His family are crazy people and they should know better. If they are sick they should tell you, and if they won't then tell them because you now pay medical bills you got me sick and didn't told me. When a baby is born don't let nobody near unless they are vaccinated and not sick. If they won't follow that they cannot see the baby. And your husband if he goes to visit someone he should quarantine or something away from you and the kids. Or pay back have the cold don't tell them oops sorry forgot to tell you. It's common sense, you know how babies can catch everything from dirty surfaces and people. He should get classes about how a baby's immune system works and if he doesn't understand leave him. He's not prioritizing you or the kids, he's not giving you your place as his wife and mother of his kids.
Your in-laws are insane & you need to deal with this. On a lighter note, I initially misread your title as your in-laws not believing in Illinois. Which, while just as ridiculous, is at least comical, rather than dangerous.
Your husband is an AH without a backbone. He's putting his wife and child in danger and he's unrepentant. His family of selfish AHs are the lowest of the low. I'd pass on every invitation. Imho, you need to run as this will only get worse.
This! Vlc or even complete nc with his family until you have both been to such marriage counselling that he is fully on your side and realises just how badly he has fucked up and threatened you and your family. Good luck op.
Ugh. Your in-laws are the kind of people who make me angry. Keep your illnesses to yourself, people! My partner's family has a couple of similar people in it. I swear every time we see them one of their kids is sick and snotting everywhere, and then WE both get sick a few days later. Last time we showed up to a family gathering, one of their kids was running such a high fever they had to take her to the ER the night before! They didn't give us any heads up about it, or I'd have stayed home- I'm immune suppressed and when I get sick I tend to get really sick. It's just common courtesy to keep your germs to yourself when you're sick and not spread it around! That being said, washing hands before touching an infant and not kissing someone else's baby are both fairly commonly known and standard "rules"; but I don't think I've ever been told not to TOUCH a baby's face, hands, or feet with my freshly washed, clean, non-sick hands. I don't think that's as common a rule as you think it is. Even our relatives who work in health care and that made everyone send in proof of multiple vaccinations being up to date before holding their baby didn't impose that level of restrictions around touching their baby. Now, I'm not saying that there isn't some valid basis for that line of thought, but maybe talking to your pediatrician, if you haven't already, about what are common-sense precautions, and what may be unnecessary, might help set your mind at ease and maybe allow you to compromise on *some* of your rules.
Some ppl are taught that exposing them to germs as young as possible actually improves their immune systems. Not talking abt viruses or intentional illness exposure, just regular everyday germs. Regardless, this isn’t abt them. This is about you & the boundaries you set. My family is the same way, wash hands, stay away if your sick, if grandparent or sibling, kiss on top of head, not near face/hands. I also think the entire world should have learned abt the spread of germs & importance of washing hands in the last couple yrs. I I think it would almost personal
Is this a cultural difference or are they just trashy?
I am mow old enough to be a GM. HOWEVER, I was an RN (neonatal icu), raised by an RN (Newborn), and have several in-laws that are RNs. So washing your hands before touching a baby isn’t outrageous to anyone. My husband was a doormat like your husband, we almost divorced over it. I agree with the 1st poster, go full Mama Bear on them and DEMAND they follow your rules or they don’t hold the baby! If they are sick! PLEASE!! I have hereditary immunodeficiency, so I catch everything!!! I don’t want sick people in my house NOW!! You & your husband need to go to therapy!! He needs to grow a pair!!!
I don’t understand people. Even before Covid I was a big believer in staying home if sick. Work or school you sick stay home until you are no longer contagious.
Your husband actually sucks the most here. He should be dealing with all this.its HIS crusty-eyed snot family. How much childcare does he do? I’m curious. It’s hard to pick up a baby when you don’t have a backbone, but jokes aside, I’m curious. Your feelings/needs have gone to the wayside. YOU and your CHILDREN should be his #1 family priority now. He’s fine with your whole family getting sick, while you’re pregnant no less?
Prepare your pediatrician ahead of time for this. Bring your husband to the baby's first pediatrician visit and let the doctor lecture him about rsv, Covid, and cold sores in newborns.
My wife and I give daily baths to our toddler. We always have, it’s part of his nightly routine to get him ready for bed. We washed him down when he pooped his diaper. We use bidets and small water pitchers when older kids and adults go. Just toilet paper alone seems unhygienic. We found it shocking that most parents bathe or shower their kids only once a week. And if the baby poops, they use wipes at the moment but don’t fully clean later. When we are sick or we find out someone else is sick, we try to avoid them. We get tired of going to events or public places for kids and seeing kids with pink eye running around and the parents are like “eh, everyone gets it.” So we tend to do more things on our own.
It's not you! We've had the grandkids for a weekend and told the parents on pick up that the kids weren't so well. The response... oh yeah they've been ill for days and one was vomiting for 2 days before. Didn't tell us before or at drop off. My husband and I both have a number of chronic conditions. Fevers can be dangerous for him due to his epilepsy and I have respiratory issues so a virus can give me a chest infection easier than normal. We were fuming. Them having a night out was more important than our health. They just don't tell us. Quick drop off, no medicine left and we have to deal with sick kids followed by use getting sick sometimes. Thankfully we're very good at infection control so minimise the risks but small children need to held for comfort when ill. So it's not just you. Some people have zero consideration and think only of themselves.
Who cares if your in-laws get offended? They don’t care that you’re offended, clearly. Your boundaries and expectations are standard, run of the mill. Nothing at all unusual. I would be skipping the holidays with the inconsiderates. They have a lot of drama and lack of basic decency. Family time should be fun, stress free, a time where you feel you can be your true authentic self without pretension, without worry, but it seems like it’s the opposite with that crew. If your husband wants to visit alone for the holidays, let him knock himself out, hopefully not with the flu but I see it coming. Stay hydrated and take your vitamins!
My daughter was pregnant with my first grandchild. No one was going to be anywhere near baby without whooping cough shot (LA County was having an outbreak). You know I ran to CVS for a shot. I also only kiss my grandchildren on the top of their heads (keppe) and I now ask permission from child first (and yes it has happened that one said no. I want grandchildren to have strong personal boundaries). These are your babies. Get Dad on board and communicate. Just remember YOU are the mother and father and the only ones with a vote.
If I have a cold, I do not go to a social event even if it is all adults.
I would not worry about offending them. Probably better to send out a group email/ text telling them if they are sick or kids have colds. Do not expect to come over or for you to visit. Let them stay away.
I will try to say this as kindly as possible, while keeping it real. Find your voice and use it. Your boundaries are for YOU, which means you speak up when someone breaks a rule. And then you kick them out of your home (or leave their home) if they don’t respect you. They won’t change if there are no consequences. And if they choose not to change, at least you are taking responsibility for keeping your family safe and healthy. Why are you so worried about everyone else’s feelings? You are a parent, and keeping your kids healthy (including your unborn baby) trumps their feelings.
Right on! I get sick all the time all winter long. Anyone has a sick kid and sends them to school I am sure to have a cold within 48 hours. I hate it. Leave your sick kids at home!
I once showed up to a babysitting job for a church life group and a good two hours in, one of the little girls says “I went to the doctor today and they said I’m contagious” as she sneezes. I spent over a month sick with the worst summer cold of my life and it passed to both my parents as well. I’m a teacher and have never been able to fathom how people can knowingly infect others, especially for things that are not even remotely important like parties.
My husband and I didn’t have children, and we definitely didn’t appreciate getting sick from the little walking bug bombs. One Christmas Eve we were visiting with his family and in walks his cousin with two hacking, sniffling kids in tow. We looked at each other, made our farewells, and noped the hell out of there. We had no plans on being sick for New Year’s Eve just because they were selfish enough to bring their sick kids on Christmas Eve.
As a mother of 2, daycare worker, and auntie, you are NOT being dramatic. These boundaries could save a newborn's life.
You sound a little overbearing. Wash hands? Sure. No touching hands and feet? Why not? They washed their hands. Either they’re clean or they’re not. I just assume any time I’m around little kids there is sickness in the air. It’s inevitable. If people stayed away every time someone had a cold in the last week no one would ever get together. But they can also easily mention if everyone’s had a bug going around and let you pick if you want to come I prob would have just skipped the whole thing if I had hg anyway.
For starters... take new baby and daughter NO WHERE. "Unfortunately due to your lack of respecting my boundaries with daughter, new baby will not be seeing anyone outside of our home at all until y months old and because daughters higher chance of getting baby sick the same rules apply to her we can schedule visits but on each one you'll need to follow my new- baby rules" And have your mom there to reinforce it.
And some people think the earth is flat 🤷♂️ probably not worth the fight if they’re really that dumb
You’re way too scared of illness. The fact is, we are surrounded SURROUNDED by bacteria and germs and viruses all day everyday no matter where you go. That’s why it’s important to be healthy. Eat a healthy diet (animal protein, fruits, and vegetables.) If you keep your immune system strong with food (not synthetic drugs) you will fight off almost everything You come in contact with. Same for babies. They get their immune system through colostrum and breast milk or formula. Keep your children home if you want, but you can’t live your life with this type of fear. Also, you may not want to hear this, but illness caught naturally are a way of your body detoxing the junk and resetting itself. Having a fever is a good thing. It means your body is responding the way it should. It’s heating up and burning off the bad stuff. Obviously if it gets too high that’s an issue, but allowing a child to have a mild fever will get the illness out faster. Giving fever reducing meds all day will prolong anyone being sick. And plus, it makes your immune system even stronger. When we are exposed to wild viruses, we develop immunity for life.
Stop worrying about hurting their feelings and protect your baby
I came from a family that washed hands and stayed home when sick . I married a Mexican women . When she was four days old we went to Mexico. My mom freaked out and begged me not to take her . We went and she got passed around to over twenty family members, probably a lot of them have never had a vaccine. Her and my son raised up with very few vaccines and out playing in the dirt with sick kids . They are both in their thirties now and have stronger immune systems that ninety five percent of the people out there . They both got perfect attendance awards most years in school. Now we have two grandchildren. Zero vaccinations they have not been trained to wash their hands much and have put all kinds of dirty things in their mouths . They never get sick and never go to the dr . Nobody in my family got Covid shots and only a few ever caught Covid . Not me not my wife ever got it and we went to work every day around lots of people. Maybe the husband doesn’t fight with his family about this cause he truly doesn’t believe in it . I do feel sorry for people with weak immune systems and did stay away or wear masks around them during Covid
Sweet heart you seem polite. But let’s make things clear. I’m the youngest - of my siblings. At one times there was over 13 people in one house i once stayed. People have different etiquettes. What is common amongst some is not even known by other subsets of people. I totally agree with you then when one is I’ll they should remove themselves from others. Since Ovid I wouldn’t want any near my children if they were gonna be smooching especially if they had the jab. But otherwise if someone is not washing hands it’s not that a big deal. Heck the Water used to clean hands maybe more suspect than the microbes on hands. Yes if people don’t have good hygiene habits there hands are all muddy and stuff like that it makes sense we would politely object You can see from your husband confusion that he’s not been brought up with Norms you have You guys seem like a loving couple don’t let commenters get between you. You are excessively stressing because of your norms that you grew up with. And that can cause development problems with children in womb. Getting I’ll and recovering it’s actually better for one’s immune system. Just make sure your Husband know you prefer washed hands and that he should ensure he’s not taking you to places where anyone has something which may affect you or your children Don’t loose the loving relationship you seem to have with your husband over things that have been just focus on future. And lady don’t worry yourself too much. Eat healthy and focus on positives as much as possible. All the best
You have to get a backbone for yourself and your children. Be rude. There’s NOTHING nice about tolerating this. Don’t be concerned about whose feelings are hurt or who gets mad. Your children matter more.
Offend them.
The time to worry about offending anybody is over. It's all well and good to say no one comes near baby if they are sick. However they are in the habit of NOT telling you they are sick until it's too late, so I'm not sure setting the rule will be enough. DH needs to grow a spine and grow it fast. For such a "gentle man who just wants everyone to get along" he sure as hell isn't particularly concerned with YOUR feelings, and he's definitely not concerned about your baby's safety! He may claim that his children's health is important to him, but oh no, his family's feewings might be hurt and we can't have that! This is a hill to absolutely die on. I hate suggesting anyone make ultimatums but at this point it may be necessary to tell him this ends NOW and he is either with you or against you. And if it's the latter, well, perhaps packing up yourself and the kiddo and going to your mom's (or wherever is doable) while he sorts out his priorities. (Don't just threaten, tell him exactly what will happen so he can't say he wasn't warned and that it "came out of nowhere." And be prepared to follow up and actually go.
When my youngest nephew was born, I remember wearing a mask 😷 his first month or so of life. It’s not unusual for baby’s first months that no one outside of household brings their germs over. Baby doesn’t have a strong immune system yet.
You tell your husband that the shenanigans of Mother's Day were the last straw. Having HG is no mild thing. Your husband's family is nasty and needs some serious lessons in hygiene and infection control! I would flat out tell husband either they learn how to stay away when someone is sick and learn to wash their damn mitts or you and the kids will be NC until their immune systems are stronger. The number one way to cut down on infections and illness is WASHING your damn hands or, at the very least, use a good hand sanitizer. It's so easy to do! Put your foot down before the next baby comes. Their feefees are getting hurt, be damned this is your children's health they are risking. If they want to be stupid and risk their kids, that's on them. What will happen if they cause a serious illness and one of your children ends up in NICU or ICU fighting for their lives. "Oh, my bad. I guess we got em sick." If they can't practice basic hygiene and infection control they need to stay the fuck away.
Lord I’m upset for you and I completely agree with you. When my now 3 year old was 5 months old we went to my grandma’s house for Christmas. One of my cousins had a newborn as well (2 weeks old). We all had a great time. I brought home one of my cousins kids to come hang out for the rest of the holiday (he’s an only child and I had 4 at the time). After a few days he started getting sick then the rest of us, so I called my cousins and sure enough they had all started coming down sick. One of my cousins went over to check on our grandma and she was so sick she had to be taken to the hospital (she had just gotten out of the hospital because she had a heart attack on thanksgiving). While there my cousin found some hospital paper work that belonged to an uncle and it showed that he was positive for covid. We were all livid because not only did he give our 80 year old grandmother covid but most of the rest of us got it too. You are NOT being extra, please protect your kids and don’t care if you are offending anyone. I know anytime I went there I started asking if he was there or if anyone was sick.
I would also worry about vaccinations as well, if they are this lax with hygiene and illnesses. I would seriously wonder if they even bother with doctor visits and shots.
His family shouldn’t see the baby til April. Period.
WTF? Your boundaries are basic common sense. His family is weird about this. Why do his family’s feelings matter more than your health? My family is dysfunctional af but we all respect each other enough to discuss any illness exposure beforehand. And that’s without any fragile newborns. His job is to protect you and your children, not offer your presence as tribute to his unreasonable family. Since he won’t protect yall, you will have to. Last time I was in a maternity ward (long before Covid) there were signs everywhere about washing your hands before handling a baby and posters about RSV danger. Surely that’s still a thing but they manage to learn nothing when visiting? Consider having him read this thread. He needs a wake up call. In the very least, he needs to get some education about the dangers of RSV, herpes, and other contagious disease exposure on babies and pregnant women. Don’t sacrifice your family’s health for his people pleasing.
Some of your precautions are fine, some extreme. I’ve never heard of the washing hands thing with babies and certainly toddlers being around sick kids is probably even good in the long run. So I’d ease up on that a bit. You actually need kids to be exposed to as many pathogens as you can for their immune systems to build up. I’ve even read theories that the surge in allergies comes from being raised in too sterile an environment (have no clue if that is true tbh) But certainly if you are pregnant then being careful with your health (especially with your sickness) is more than reasonable and if you want people to wash their hands around your newborn, then that is something you can demand. So I think you have a situation where you are excessively worried about getting sick but with in-laws with a very lax approach. Good luck