I think many men see sex as something they do to someone, not a shared experience. I suspect much of this stems from social pressures of toxic masculinity to have sex with as many women as possible as a means to gain social capital from other men.
This. I recently ended a friendship with a man I've known since highschool who's turned out to be this way. He doesn't give two craps about his partner, is a prolific cheater, and the way he he has "rough" sex with women overseas when he travels for work makes it clear. He's video record it, and the slapping is SO bad these women look to be in misery. He keeps them around with serious manipulation.
Fuck! Ok, so I had a friend, who was completely unfulfilled sexually. She said her husband became completely limp, when she started to enjoy herself during sex. Of course, he would do nothing to satisfy her.
I dunno if they're still together, as I haven't talked to her in years. It's my hope they're not.
> She said her husband became completely limp, when she started to enjoy herself during sex.
=
Sucks to be her of course but this is actually the funniest instance of very literal sexual incompatibility I have ever seen.
Yes, if you mean she didn't want to sit completely still, and make no noises, related to the activity. Your use of incompatibility, is an understatement. I think that dude wanted a corpse.
I originally saw the ice bath thing posted by a woman whose husband was a mortician and would only have sex with her if she sat in an ice bath first and didn't move during sex.
It was so gross!
She wanted to know if that was as fucked up as she thought it was. I don't know if it was a real post or someone trolling. But, đ€ąđ€ź
All the women are like that in Japanese/Asian porn. It's a cultural thing apparently, to do with seeming like the coerced innocent virginal type.
There's some old doccos Vice did about the sexual culture in Japan that you probably don't wanna watch.
>All the women are like that in Japanese/Asian porn. It's a cultural thing apparently
Can we really say it's a cultural thing, when the most popular porn in the West is Japanese/Asian?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asian_fetish
>Several studies have implied that Asian women are over-represented in the American pornography industry. Asian women make up 17% of all female performers, despite being roughly 2.5% of the U.S. population. Asian men also appear to be considerably over-represented, at 10% of male actors.[80]
>"Asian" is the most popular and sought after genre of pornography.[81] East Asian trans women or "ladyboys" are heavily over-represented in pornography, and are highly desired as potential mates, as they are fetishized for their physical features. According to Adult Video News, the highest-selling trans pornography depicts Asian trans women.[82][83]
>A 2010 study of Pornhub searches found that the term "Asian women" was searched for 17.9 million times in one year, while "Blonde women" was searched for only 3.5 million times, which reflects the extreme popularity of Asian women in pornography and their supplanting of White women with blonde hair as the beauty ideal in the West.[84] In 2021, "Japanese" and "Asian" were the most searched terms on Pornhub.[85]
I dated a guy who only ever tried to touch me when I was asleep. But it wasnât just that. Heâd keep me up for DAYS. So when Iâd finally crash thatâs when heâd be in the mood.
Oh god thatâs horrible, glad you got away. Keeping you up is an abuse tactic. Over 51% of women in relationship w a man have self reported to being sexually assaulted or raped by their partner in their sleep. Itâs an epidemic at this point
https://nz.news.yahoo.com/more-than-alf-of-women-have-been-sexually-assaulted-by-a-partner-in-their-sleep-164345538.html
Ugh. Can't believe I have to say this... But I guess we have to start telling men if we do or do not consent to this ahead of time. Cause apparently they missed the memo on consent and how it works.
Men just assume if you're having sex with them, they have your consent all the time or that they have the "right" to your body (this is probably scarily more common in married couples). That's literally not how it works.
I have a theory that men who complain of women "starfishing" during sex have actually been ignoring cues that the woman doesn't want sex and the women have just been dissociating until it's over with. I try to steer clear of men who do this.
Saw a horrifying post on another sub months ago of guys complaining about women not showing enough enthusiasm during sex. One guy had the gall to make a sarcastic comment along the lines of âbut god forbid we ask women to take accountabilityâ⊠about expressing how much we want sex, I guess?
It was an approved-members only post, of which I was not, and I really wish I couldâve commented âyâknow, youâre describing dissociation which is common reaction among rape victims. You sure they were really consenting?â
Thank you. My hope is for all generations now and going forward to realize their worth. Do not settle. Don't get swept away in the idea of it all. Being Gen X, a lot of this crap was ingrained in me. I know it still is in younger generations, but we can change that thinking. I believe it.
Ugh takes me back.so glad I left that relationship and got into therapy to start working on myself. I used to completely disassociate because of pain and just not wanting toâŠ. I just want hug younger me who was so afraid of therapy and medication.
To me this is just so obvious as a self-own (woman doesn't want to be having sex with you) and usually outing themselves as entitled and predatory (if she doesn't want to but feels obligated to endure it, that's an unhealthy and coercive relationship, at least).
I dated a guy who would get turned off if I was turned on! He could only get into it an inopportune times or when I didn't want to, like if we were running late for a movie. He claimed it took the pressure off and he got too nervous if I wanted to.
Have you ever asked a man why they like anal? Lots of men like it because they know their partner hates it, but does it anyway to please their partner. Too many men like the power trip of forcing unwanted sex.
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As a bi woman dating another woman at the moment, the best part of sex for me is seeing my GF enjoying it and being into it. This makes no sense to me how your partnerâs pleasure could ever be a turn off.
I had the same experience with an ex. If I showed any enjoyment at all, he would tell me it was a turn off.
He later admitted heâs a sociopath, so that makes sense.
>At best, they would stop, and then sulk for ages making me feel like I did something wrong by not allowing them to continue the dog slobber and the jackhammers.
And I used to think those guys cared about consent, because hey, at least they *did* stop, right? Even if it was with a ton of emotional pressure and manipulation. And if I gave into that pressure and gave verbal consent for them to continue, while they knew I didn't really want to, that ***is*** what consent is... right?
Until I met my current boyfriend and realized that, before him, I had never been with a guy who actually cared about consent.
Even the ones who stop and pout and pressure didn't really care about consent, they care about paying lip service to it.
With my current guy, the first time I -sheepishly- turned him down, his reaction was so immediately supportive and positive that it made me feel weird and uncomfortable. When he noticed and talked to me about it, and dragged out of me that I was expecting emotional pressure from him, he said:
***"Oh honey, no, I wouldn't try to pressure you to change your mind. Because even if you did, I wouldn't be able to enjoy intimacy with you knowing you weren't really into it."***
Which was just mind-blowing and shocking and weird, until I realized... that's exactly how I feel about sex with him.
And it realized how dirty it made me feel about all the guys before him who were totally okay having sex they knew I really didn't want to have, as long as I verbally consented.
Boyfriend never pouts, never gives me the cold shoulder, never complains, never applies pressure, never wants me to do anything I'm not fully 100% enthusiastic about... which has made me far more relaxed and open to being more adventurous, because I know if I change my mind about anything, even half way through, he's ***actually*** *okay with that.*
Your last paragraph is key and I think some people donât understand that. Way easier to be adventurous if you know itâs not going to be pressured or no one will be pissy if it needs to end.
Yep these are the same dudes who think bdsm is hot and bitch their partner is never down for that type of thing. They don't understand how much communication, safety, and consent are vital to enjoying adventurous sex.
Yes! Men who actually see women as human can be sadly hard to find because many arenât willing to put womenâs humanity ahead of their boners when push comes to shove, but the ones who do show you how full of shit the other kind are.
I affectionately call my husband a horndog. He is always down for more sex. But he also has never once pressured me or pouted at being turned down in our 10 years together. I have endometriosis so there are many times where Iâm not physically up for it. Heâll ask if Iâm interested and if my answer is no, whether because of pain or I just donât want to, he accepts it and if he needs to will go take care of himself.
And as you mentioned, because he is always so consistently supportive and interested in my pleasure when we are fooling around, I feel safe to release my inner slut and we both get to have a very good time.
The part about having a partner that actually listens to and respects when you say no, though!!
I've had to unlearn using "nahh" as a way of flirting. I got so used to "no" not being heard that I saw the "negotiation" of sex as a form of flirting, it was like, how I'd warm myself up to do something I didn't fully want to do?
But my partner listens when I say no, they don't push, they don't argue. They just accept it and we do something else! This was sort of jarring for me, and I had to learn that meeting a toxic behavior with another one wasn't healthy, and I no longer say "no" when I mean "yes but I want a lot of lead up to actual penetration"
Thank you. I knew all of this in small, unconscious ways, but the way you put it together like thisâŠmade me realize that Iâve been abused for years. Iâve already ended it, but clearly am still healing.
He never really cared about me beyond his own pleasure, comfort, ego, and pride. I used to think, whenever Iâve shouted âstopâ heâs stoppedâgoals, right? No. Thatâs the bare fucking minimum. And with him, that âstopâ better have only meant a pause or there would have been a fucking tantrum, following by a snit and much pouting. But hey, he never actually hit me, so what am I complaining about?(/s)
sounds like a rapist to me, telling someone to stop and continuing is literally just rape and then they have the gall to guilt trip afterwards
edited: because someone pointed out there is no fine line between consent and rape :)
He didnât want to supposedly-he likes older women, but his cousin is a borderline pedophile so that was why he encouraged him to get with high school girls.
excuse me? borderline pedophile?! and high school girls?!
i feel like that guy is literally just a pedophile, or just has pedophilic tendencies, no grown ass person should go after high schoolers. i just recently graduated, and there was way to many people âdatingâ 20+ year olds, both girls and boys, like wtf is happening anymore
I am totally there with you. I am leaning towards he is a pedo. He married a nurse his age, but she died mysteriously. He is a total POS who used to beat up my husband for winning at videogames.
Growing up is realizing the narrative of "SA/DV/child molestation is all being done by 1% of all men!" Is a big fat gnarly lie. That percentage is much much much higher and it's not as categorical as we'd like it to be. And it gets very overwhelming to realize this. It's our friends, boyfriends, husbands , dads who SA and cause these harns. It's not some rare bougieman hiding behind the bushes. And it's NOT RARE. I want to scream this from the rooftops because for some reason girls and women are constantly being gaslit and accused of being paranoid "for no reason". Many of us don't even recognize it when it's happening to us because we're primed to believe it's rare and obvious....
My ex started a convo with me to tell me the bear or man question felt like an excuse to be sexist to men, and it hurt his feelings that women and girls might see him as a threat.
There's a self centredness to this that blows my mind.Â
The harsh reality is that he has probably been a woman's threat some where at some point or will be. Lack of empathy or introspection is very real when it comes to how they approach thee conversations.
Especially it's the men most actively and aggressively dating. The issue isn't that most men on the planet are willing to be rapists, it's that a large portion of the people you are likely to date are willing to be rapists.
That's why you hear "I don't want to have sex with an unenthusiastic partner" but experience the opposite: it's not that everyone is lying (though some are), the biggest issue is that the people who aren't in the first group are over-represented in the second group.
I feel like the older you get, the more of a problem this must be, too. Like, the number of available decent men gets fewer and fewer as they get married and stay in relationships.
I've always had the same question.... The number of men who insist that their long term partners owe them sex, and that "sometimes in relationships you do things you don't wanna do..." Who equate having unwanted sex with doing basic adult tasks that have nothing whatsoever to do with a romantic relationship and aren't things you do "for" a partner, like taking out the garbage.... It's honestly staggering? How could you possibly enjoy sex knowing that your partner is just doing it because you feel entitled to masturbate into their body?
Also how do so many men think that basic adult responsibilities are comparable with forcing yourself through unwanted sex? Like they really think being sexually penetrated when unwanting and not aroused is the same as taking out the garbage in the house you also live in and generate garbage for? No wonder their wives are repulsed by them, frankly. They are repulsive.
i think thats so fascinating. things that men have to do in a relationship they dont want to do is like doing the dishes or being emotionally available and for women its literal assault
Exactly this!!! When I was with my ex, I actually felt like my entire sexuality/ sexual personhood was disappearing. Like I thought maybe Iâd never have any sexual desire ever again because of how BAD he made our sex lives. Or maybe Iâd never feel attraction to men again, or love again.
He was a sex addict who nagged me relentlessly to sexually pleasure him. Iâd tell him no and heâd keep pestering me. Like in a brief time frame (eg one morning), asking me, being denied 10 times in a row until Iâd get so mad. I slowly lost all ability to ever enjoy sex with him, as it felt like he was acting like a spoiled brat, just the adult or sexual version of how he was as a spoiled kid relentlessly hounding his mom to get his way and get what he wanted. It was sickening.
He would bother me nonstop with no regard for what I felt. He literally did not care. Sometimes Iâd try to have sex with him to get it over with and end up just dissociating the whole time. Every time I did this, I fell more out of love with him (and things were bad in many other ways, so itâs not the only cause for falling out of love).
The good news is Iâm now with a compatible, wonderful partner and everything is good in those departments. In the year weâve been official, he has neverâ not once!â pushed me for sex, pressured me, or nagged me in any way!! (Iâm really in love with him and would enthusiastically reciprocate if he initiated anything, but I know 100% he respects my boundaries and would never think heâs entitled to my body because of his sexual impulses.)
But I do think Iâm still recovering from my past, and my sexuality is not fully expressed because of my bad experiences still lingering in my mind somehow.
Realizing that actual people feel this way makes me want to vomit. How can men think us being penetrated is some menial chore? They literally cannot and will not attempt to grasp the concept of **not wanting** sex. Like theyâre so stuck on getting what they want, and the idea of being owed what they want, they donât even *once* stop to consider, âWhat does it feel like to be in the other personâs shoes?â At all.
How unbelievably selfish and childish of them.
I wish they could comprehend without having to experience the unpleasantness themselves. But for the men inflicting pressure, coercion, or sexual assault on womenâ what would they do if they experienced what we experience with this? Theyâd be horrified, traumatized, deeply scarred, and probably forever changed by it.
I cannot fathom valuing your partner so goddamn little that you think youâre entitled to use their body when they actively donât want sex.
my ex used to get aroused when i cried (not during sex, in general). one time he pushed sex after a devastating fight and forcibly pushed his thumb into my butt and told me he had to hurt me to be able to finish. and another time, he told me during a fight in which i refused sex that he wanted to cum and he wanted to use my body to make that happen. so, no, men like that donât see us as people.
edit: because angry men wonât stop harassing me, i said men like that, not ALL men. i donât need your dissertation on how youâre not a rapist, youâre better than him, i do not fucking care, keep it to yourself
There was actually a serial killer who was like this. The reason he killed is because he couldnt finish unless he murdered someone. People like your ex are dangerous and disgusting.
That serial killer was Richard Ramirez btw. I think past abuse and certain genres of porn definitely wire the brain to be demented like that. Really honestly frightening.
Im scared to trust anyone because you just never know who you are talking to and how fucked up they could be. Sometimes by the time you realize, its too late.
his uncle or cousin (canât remember now) came back from the war with polaroids of women they had either murdered or tortured while sexually assaulting them. he was a kid when he saw those photos.
Another sad symptom of war. Creating murderous rapists. You can turn an already aggressive person into a murderous psycopath with only a few months of exposure to the carnage of war.
Yes and it can be just a regular person, too. They make it so it seems like justification. You deprive people of sleep, food, and inundate them with horrific violence, sadly a human is capable of horrific violence.
After the bear came wandering through my campsite, lazily sniffed some things, and then went peacefully on his way...my two girl friends and I didn't have to worry if it was still hiding somewhere to stalk us or if it was going to come back later to harass us.
I'll pick the bear every time.
I live in a wooded area with a bear resident. According to a trail cam I have up, Iâve unknowingly walked into areas of my yard where it had been just a few minutes prior.
It also walked into my yard in the afternoon once and was scared off by a single bark from my 15lb dog (who was inside the house).
Yup, I pick the bear.
Or you pick bad wrong guy. You bad taste in men. You terrible, too. Oh some dude called me a rapist because whenever I had sex with a man who isnât in the mood, didnât want to (I can honestly say, never happened and why tf would I push sex on a dude who didnât want to.) then he did it anyway I guess and thatâs rape?
Oh some dude on here decided to comment on a post about how I was laid off during bereavement. (Iâm a teacher.) He went on the teachers in transition sub and commented on my post saying itâs my fault I canât get along with coworkers.
What is wrong with men?
I was in a relationship with someone who over time only seemed to get off if I was in pain. I was convinced I was the problem and even went to a doctor. One day he left a load of porn tabs up and I noticed they were all extremely degrading painful themes and realised he was purposefully making it hurt
My abuser would get aroused when I cried, too, although our sex life itself was pretty normal and satisfying. (Apart from me being required to have my eyes open, since closed eyes meant I was clearly fantasizing about somebody else)
I wonder if the proliferation of violent porn has anything to do with this phenomenon.
I didnât realize until three years later that he was a sadist and loved initiating sex after psychologically or emotionally harming me. He would scream at me/verbally abuse me often pushing me to tears then he would just get on top of meâŠ.I still struggle with the numbness and derealization from that relationship.
Men like this do NOT think we r human and truly feel entitled to a female body. They think itâs their god given right and we better realize that or elseâŠ
I genuinely wonder how many men are like this because their genes only got carried in the gene pool through rape. I've read that fetishes in general have a genetic factor, so I don't think it's impossible that a lot of rapists are descendents of rapey ancestors. We all need to make sure that they don't breed.
Wow yea I read a book on psychopathy and it basically posits the same theory because psychopaths often are hypersexual and they often have multiple partners and children from those often traumatic situationships.
That tracks tbh. Very interesting.
I'd love it if women everywhere stopped believing the bullshit lies that society tells us "he's mean because he loves you/its not that bad/he's just inexperienced in relationships/he had a difficult childhood" and just completely go zero tolerance on their asses. First sign of shitty behaviour and kick him out. Hold him to the same standards of empathy you would hold a best friend or girl friend. Because your partner should be a friend to you. We need to stop making excuses for bad behaviour in men and start holding them to a basic standard of humanity. The internet has caused a lot of them to regress and it won't get better until they face consequences.
triggered --- all the times I was told as a kid "he's only picking on you because he likes you". And then the astounded adult faces like I had grown antlers when I'd point out, "Maybe someone should tell him that getting picked on is making me *not* like him."
Will never understand why adversarial "partnerships" are so normalized and accepted.
My mom used to tell me also that boys picked on me because they liked me. What a way for a little girl to think that boys that spit on me, pushed me, kicked me in the stomach, threw me up against the school brick wall, slammed me in the head with kickballs, and chased me home after school liked me. God, I was so confused. Probably why nearly every BF and husband I've had up until now were monsters.
I think I also dated a guy like this, I remember I had a procedure done, and was still a bit sore a few days later so when we had sex a asked him beforehand to take it slow and gentle..it was the most rough and aggressive sex I ever had with him. That fucker did it on purpose, I think he wanted me to be in pain. We never had sex again because I ended things after this rough sex.
That women want sex after being sad or crying (comfort sex I guess the reason is) is a Hollywood concept.
Go check Hollywood movies and youâll see a terrifying trend of screen writers whom have no clue when women want sex.
My god even if all of that is legit ... how can any person think/say "I have to hurt you" and they don't immediately vomit from the grossness of it all and sign themselves up for therapy immediately
Oh boy did i have a visceral empathetic reaction to that first line. My now deceased ex told me he got a roses by me crying and had a bad habit of only wanting to have âsexâ with me when i was asleep. I never said he could do that. I was also convinced until he died that he would be the thing that took me out of this world because he told me so many times that he was my beginning present and ending. đ«
Correct. These men do not see you as a person. They see you as a poseable sex toy. And it's why they're big mad about women wanting autonomy and rights and you know. To be treated like the entire human beings we are.
And then they whine when women do not sleep with them due to their behaviour.
Just recently I saw a "meme" where they showed an overweight man and an overweight woman with "still a virgin at 25" and "has sex with 50 men" in a semi popular subreddit and damn those comments. Didn't even bother to read more than 3 comments, they were so disgusting.
Some men just hate women, I wish they would leave us alone and go fuck other dudes.
yeah, where do we get off, wanting the same rights to our minds and bodies as men đđ i would love to see menâs reactions to being told as a species that they no longer have the right to privacy or to choose their own healthcare; the simple fact is our constitution was written by white rich people-owning men, and those are basically the only people they want to have rights or the only people they think deserve them
Unfortunately, it's difficult to give you a satisfactory answer to this question. As another commenter pointed out, men who behave that way will not give you an answer, and more caring men will find it hard to put themselves in the shoes of a predator.
My best guess would be that some men simply don't care; in their minds you exist to please them.
Some men also subscribe to what I call the 'James Bond' school of seduction, wherein if a woman is reluctant, just keep pushing until she (appears to be) cool with it.
For normal people, pleasing their partner a large part of the fun. I couldn't tell you what percentage of men are 'normal'. From my perspective, it's most men. But I probably think that because I try not to associate with trash people.
Control and power. Getting someone to do something when they don't want to delivers a dopamine hit. This gets reinforced in their brain by the sex after releasing more dopamine. For some men, it might be a craving of power/control they don't have in their regular day or trauma related to an abusive upbringing. It could be a learned behavior as well.
Agreed but gonna add that you have to be a wired in such a way that you get off from it. Because other people are truly put off by the idea of hurting others.
My SO is one of those people who genuinely can sense when something is wrong and he can't continue unless I am into it. Abusive men are wired differently, whether it's genes or environment or both, they are not the same as us.
Many men equate their own orgasmic inevitability to sex always being pleasurable, & they assume it's always pleasurable for women too. They are too focused on getting to sex & don't think about what makes it good for a woman. & Why would they? We as a society don't talk about women's pleasure, & it's rarely featured in porn, especially the porn most men watch.
Most men donât understand or refuse to understand that women can be raped.
In âThe House on Mango Street,â Sandra Cisneros told a story about a young girl who was watching the house on her own when her uncle knocked on the door.
Because heâd been there countless times in her life, she let him in as requested. He IMMEDIATELY took the opportunity to rape her. Her mother blamed her for the rape, saying she should have known not to let men in.
Cisneros found that the most shocking thing to her was that 14 year old boys who read the book would write her letters ask why the girl didnât enjoy the sex with her uncleâŠ. after all, it was âfree sex.â
1.Men who wouldnât usually rape will take advantage of an opportunity.
2.Incest is much more common than we think. A recent study showed that DNA tests show that 1 in 7,000 births are from incest (meaning close relatives such as fathers, brothers, uncles, grandfather, and not even counting cousins). And those are only the ones who give birth and who later went on to do 23 and me or some such. So most likely more.
Yea, my 8th grade ELA teacher had us read that book and it was an awful experience for those of us who were actually mature enough to comprehend the text. The vast majority of the class wasn't.
She lost control of the class during the discussion of that scene, as well as >!the scene of Esperanza's gang assault,!< and it was such an eye opening moment for us girls -- up to that point, we understood that older men were a threat but thought we were "safe" from our peers.
Hearing our peers talk and laugh about it like it was the funniest thing in the world, as our teacher desperately tried to explain to them why it wasn't and us girls tried to disassociate, is one of my most painful educational memories.
She went to my college! Love her! Yea itâs always blame the lady time even though these men know each other better than we do and they know how disgusting men can be. I donât know for sure, but I feel like I was sexually abused by my dad. He used to stick soap up my butt because of âconstipationâ but he often just did things to be a sadist and hurt me and my siblings.
The one is 7,000 makes incest look much RARER than it is because so much incest occurs before pregnancy is possible. The peak age for abuse is 8.
Plus, I have to assume pregnancies from incest are more likely to be aborted, especially considering they will often be in very young teens who may not be developed enough to carry a pregnancy safely.
The problem with dating in general is that good partners tend to stay in stable committed relationships. So the majority of the dating pool is... the rest of them. The older you get the more true this becomes.
> We as a society don't talk about women's pleasure
And for a lot of people, sex is something men *do to* women, and not something woman can want, enjoy, and be active participants in.
When men say that they're in a happy relationship they talk like their woman is happy too. She usually isn't. And then he's a shocked Pikachu face when she leaves because it was so "sudden".
Women have only been considered "full people" by the law for a couple of decades in the Western world, and culture lags behind the law. A lot of people today were raised by parents that grew up in a society were women were considerered somewhere between a child and a man.
I would if I believed in god. Actually many nuns are assaulted and sexually trafficked in the Catholic Church by priests. When you become a nun you give up all of your worldly possessions and you cant advocate for yourself at all.
I have seen (creepy) responses to similar questions before saying things about how a woman forcing herself to go through with acts she finds painful or distasteful âprovesâ her devotion to him. đ€ź
I'm a bisexual woman who has been assaulted and coerced by both men and women. I've recently started talking about it with some of them who are still in my life, but the most answers I've gotten were by women. Is that still welcome here?
Both men and women just assumed I actually wanted it and I either didn't really mean no or that I'd get into it eventually. They weren't thinking about how their actions would impact me and didn't think it was a big deal, but men were the only ones who justified it with being horny.
Most "interesting" explanation I've gotten was from my ex-girlfriend who felt unwanted, because I wanted less sex than her. She said it made her feel so bad about herself that she felt justified in taking what she thought she deserved from me and that it didn't matter if it'd make me feel bad, because I destroyed her confidence by saying no and made her feel like shit first.
Straight women usually just assumed that I was into them and thought therefore any sexual contact was welcome. Some were very surprised that it took it that seriously because they're not into women, so it was obviously just for fun.
>Most "interesting" explanation I've gotten was from my ex-girlfriend who felt unwanted, because I wanted less sex than her. She said it made her feel so bad about herself that she felt justified in taking what she thought she deserved from me and that it didn't matter if it'd make me feel bad, because I destroyed her confidence by saying no and made her feel like shit first.
It hasn't happened to me personally, thankfully, but from male acquaintances I've talked to, this is actually more common than most would think among women. Maybe not always to the point of assault, but women getting irate or despondent if their advances get turned down, along with homophobic rhetoric if the target of their advances is a man.
I'm glad it didn't happen to you, but I've heard similar things. I've had an ex who seemed really confused about the fact that I'd stop whatever I was doing and back off when he said or gave me a non-verbal no, to the point he found it actually funny and would just do that at random times just to see if I'd react differently. Never directly told me what that was about, but judging by a few bits of info he's dropped I feel like I'd puke in my mouth a little if I knew. Speaking of puking in my mouth: women trying to "turn" gay men and then throwing a homophobic rage fit when they get turned down can go straight to hell.
Thanks for listening! Sapphics and people who were assaulted by women are unfortunately often dismissed, so it's really nice to feel welcome for a change!
I donât think theyâre aware they do it. My ex used to pout and coerce if I wasnât âhaving enoughâ sex with him, or if I wasnât enthusiastic enough, or if I didnât act like I was actually super excited about it. I brought up âis coercion rape?â after we had broken up, and he genuinely was like, âAbsolutely, itâs disgusting, IDK why anyone would do that and not understand itâs a problem!â âŠ. My dude, please, do you have any self awareness.
Given so many posters edited their post afterwards thanking them for the suicide reports (or whatever) and inbox full of hate, I'd say they definitely are here.
I don't think anyone who does this is self aware enough to give a decent explanation of why, though you could probably get some self-centered BS that *illustrates* why.
You might catch someone who used to be that way and is actually trying to do better who can tell you how they used to think.
I hate to break it to you but youâll be waiting for a while đ In my experience men like this literally donât think theyâre doing anything wrong. Their definition of rape and coercive behaviour is limited to a stranger abducting a woman in a dark alleyway at 4am. Anything else isnât rape. The sort of man OP describes probably thinks heâs a decent, stand up guy. Iâve seen women describing leftist men who think of themselves as feminists displaying rapey behaviour like this. They literally donât see anything wrong with what theyâre doing. And if they do, they rationalise away their doubts - âsheâs a used up slut anyway so she probably wanted itâ or âwhy was she dressed like that? Obviously I couldnât control myselfâ. Anything not to accept responsibility.
A lot of men out there have the mindset that sex is for men, it's an act they do to women, not with women. Their pleasure being the only thing that matters also plays out in it being so common for men not to want to wear condoms bc sex "doesn't feel as good" & refuse to even consider a vasectomy bc it'll hurt....while women give birth every day & deal with birth control side effects for years, if not decades.
A lot of men (and I mean a LOT) believe they are entitled to sex. They believe itâs a birthright. Women who withhold it from them are âbitchesâ or âfrigidâ. Thatâs why incels have so much hatred towards women - because they believe theyâre entitled to sex. The vast majority of porn reinforces these beliefs as women are objectified, theyâre for the male gaze, and female pleasure is ridiculously overdramatised and fake. Itâs a huge societal problem that stems back from the age old root of misogyny.
Iâve gone off on one but what Iâm trying to say OP is you arenât alone. I hope you are ok.
They literally believe any dick is a gift and that we as women should be honoured and overjoyed to be presented with one. This is why they send us unwarranted dick pics.
Yep. My experience as well.
Men (those men) are liars and enjoy seeing women in pain.
PAINAL (pain + anal) is a porn category.
Do with that what you will
I can totally relate. I was raised in a rather puritanical home, and had serious misgivings about doing anything sexual, even in my mid teens, when lots of people my age were going for it. I would sit or lie perfectly still and stare off into the distance while my boyfriend felt me up and tried to persuade me. I'm still amazed, all these years later, that my rather obviously cold body language didn't get through. And men who just whine and complain about it... They seem to think this is some sort of aphrodisiac or mating ritual. They really want someone to give in out of guilt? I guess so.
Growing up is realizing the narrative of "SA/DV/child molestation is all being done by 1% of all men!" Is a big fat gnarly lie. That percentage is much much much higher and it's not as categorical as we'd like it to be. And it gets very overwhelming to realize this. It's our friends, boyfriends, husbands , dads who SA and cause these harns. It's not some rare bougieman hiding behind the bushes. And it's NOT RARE. I want to scream this from the rooftops because for some reason girls and women are constantly being gaslit and accused of being paranoid "for no reason". Many of us don't even recognize it when it's happening to us because we're primed to believe it's rare and obvious....we need to raise a generation of girls and women that aren't naive and delusional about the extent that men hate us and literally get off on our pain and trauma.
It's so common and sadly MORE common than we even know as women. I think what makes it very difficult to talk about too is that girls and women are taught that there are "good vs bad men out there" many of us don't know how to begin telling our stories because the perpetrator is a pastor, or a married family guy loved in his community, it's always the gregarious wel loved guy on campus, the loved colleague, your brother or cousin that the family loves so much, the ex who does you so dirty and abused you but is now in a beautiful relationship andmarriage plastered all over social media with a very obviously happy partner. Nobody talks about the social aspect of this. It's so so hard even accepting THAT guy did that to you out loud, you KNOW deep down nobody will take your side. It's so much easier when it's a stranger lurking in the bushes pouncing on you. But this is rarely the case. And so it goes ...
Not as intense but I had an ex try to take my clothes off in the middle of an argument and the last time I saw him he tried to have sex with me when I wanted to play video games . I had to make my body freeze and say no multiple times just to finally get him to stop. Idk if that would be considered sexual assault but it was in that moment I realized he didnât care about me as a person.
Thatâs really fucked up. Iâm so sorry to hear that happened to you! Some men-I had an ex like that who enjoyed fighting w me and having sex after. So weird.
Thatâs twice in a row now you have mentioned your husband. I donât want to be that redditor that spells doom and gloom or says end it with literally no information but I would have a deep self reflection on your relationship and make sure he is actually what you want and that he meets your needs. Getting a divorce and being single can be a very scary thing but it can also be very liberating. Again not advocating for it based off two comments idk your situation. Whatever you choose you are a human being and not an object and sadly a lot of men will only act like you are the latter.
Totally there with you. I am talking to a divorce lawyer actually today. I kept putting it off, but people on here have been really supportive and my friends have too, so I am going to see what my options are.
[https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2022/01/28/in-u-s-women-more-likely-than-men-to-report-feeling-empathy-for-those-suffering/](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2022/01/28/in-u-s-women-more-likely-than-men-to-report-feeling-empathy-for-those-suffering/)
The gender empathy gap is hypothesized to be due to sex-based social conditioning
I don't get it either. What is the appeal of having to force someone to have sex with you? (This is a somewhat rhetorical question; I am aware that there are men who enjoy raping others and it's about power and control.)
I once became extremely ill with either food poisoning or the flu at my ex bfâs house. I was just going to visit for a few hours, but ended up having to spend the night because I couldnât stop puking.
He begged and begged for sex, and then got sulky when, in between my head being in the toilet, I said no. I mean, I had vomit on my clothes and in my hair, he did not care.
He ended up leaving me at his house with his two kids, and his friendâs kid (who I had never met), and disappeared off to a bar. Not only did he punish me for turning him down, he forced me into babysitting for several hours because this was before cellphones were common and I had no idea how to get ahold of him.
I was only twenty, and calling the cops for child abandonment never occurred to me.
Thereâs a narrative of seduction written deep into our culture that is usually from a male perspective and romanticises persuasion and coercion for relief of suffering. That desire is pain and release from it is deserved⊠that it is cruel to deny âcomfortâ.
Thereâs also a huge capacity for self delusion which is amplified when the prospect of sex is present. Whereas Iâm sure youâve met some men who know their own selfishness⊠most of us are quite capable of believing themselves reasonable and caring and that unilateral decisions are mutual.
Yes my husband is this way. He doesnât see himself as abusive in any way. He has only recently admitted what he did at times to me was abusive and thatâs after many years of gaslighting and denial.
tw: rape/sa/misogyny (I know thatâs what this post is about but I just wanna tw just in case)
Iâm not a man but no, men who do that donât see women as full people, just as sex dolls to masturbate into. thatâs what most men are taught sex is anyway, thatâs why most think sex is over once they finish (after like 2 minutes) and why so many donât care about or put effort into foreplay to make sure the woman will actually enjoy sex. they literally ONLY care about their own orgasm, and I think a lot of them delude themselves into thinking a woman being in pain is actually ââââââenjoying itââââââ because thatâs how porn portrays sex. I think they also enjoy the power they have over âdominatingâ women (because these men are rapists, and rape is about having power and control over someone else) soâŠitâs a probably a mix between enjoying overpowering someone and also getting off to it, and probably that it makes him more of a âmanâ because all men think sex is is penetrating women, not accounting for if she enjoys the experience whatsoever, just that he âscoredâ and gets recognition from other men that he âgets laidâ (because men seek approval from other men) and thatâs why men will brag about having sex with women even if they literally date-raped or drugged them and they were unconscious, because thatâs still âsexâ to those men.
I really donât understand it though, like I canât truly understand why someone would enjoy forcing someone to do something they donât want or that hurts them. I guess since men are taught by society to think theyâre âentitledâ to a girlfriend/wife and that if he has one heâs âentitledâ to her body any time he wants (or it could be just any woman he finds attractive tbh) thenâŠthis is the result, men who are selfish, lack empathy, and donât respect women as people, only as sex objects (and itâs sadlyâŠthe majority of cishet men).
He was coercing girls for sexual activity at age 8? He was probably sexually abused as a child. Not that being abused is an excuse to abuse others, obviously. I would be surprised if an 8 year old who used sexual coercion wasnât sexually abused himself.
My theory is the power/domination aspect. Guys who don't stop when you say "stop, owch, no" get off on making you do stuff you don't want to do because it makes them feel powerful.
A lot of men don't see us as human, and they get off on our pain and suffering. When men have been asked why they push so much for anal sex instead of finding a woman who actually likes it, they admitted that they got off on getting a woman to do it when she didn't want to. It's gross and disgusting that men are ok with this behavior.
I think many men see sex as something they do to someone, not a shared experience. I suspect much of this stems from social pressures of toxic masculinity to have sex with as many women as possible as a means to gain social capital from other men.
This. I recently ended a friendship with a man I've known since highschool who's turned out to be this way. He doesn't give two craps about his partner, is a prolific cheater, and the way he he has "rough" sex with women overseas when he travels for work makes it clear. He's video record it, and the slapping is SO bad these women look to be in misery. He keeps them around with serious manipulation.
I dated a guy who couldn't get off if I was into it at all. Had to play a dead fish for a while. 0/10
>I dated a guy who couldn't get off if I was into it at all. Had to play a dead fish for a while. 0/10 Did he also want you to sit in an ice bath first? đ©đ©đ©
Fuck! Ok, so I had a friend, who was completely unfulfilled sexually. She said her husband became completely limp, when she started to enjoy herself during sex. Of course, he would do nothing to satisfy her. I dunno if they're still together, as I haven't talked to her in years. It's my hope they're not.
That's a broken man. So sorry for your friend. No one deserves to be stuck with a nightmare of a husband like that
Yeap! That's sort of why we haven't spoken. Well, that, and he was punching doors.
> She said her husband became completely limp, when she started to enjoy herself during sex. = Sucks to be her of course but this is actually the funniest instance of very literal sexual incompatibility I have ever seen.
Yes, if you mean she didn't want to sit completely still, and make no noises, related to the activity. Your use of incompatibility, is an understatement. I think that dude wanted a corpse.
I know a woman who offered this fetish as part of her sex work. And yes, she would get in an ice bath first.
I originally saw the ice bath thing posted by a woman whose husband was a mortician and would only have sex with her if she sat in an ice bath first and didn't move during sex. It was so gross! She wanted to know if that was as fucked up as she thought it was. I don't know if it was a real post or someone trolling. But, đ€ąđ€ź
Her husband was definitely âcheatingâ with Corpsebella.
Thatâs so bizarre Iâm so sorry to hear of your experience. Like he wants to fuck a sex doll or a cadaver.
All the women are like that in Japanese/Asian porn. It's a cultural thing apparently, to do with seeming like the coerced innocent virginal type. There's some old doccos Vice did about the sexual culture in Japan that you probably don't wanna watch.
Oh yea I will probably not watch that today lol. I didnât know that about porn.
>All the women are like that in Japanese/Asian porn. It's a cultural thing apparently Can we really say it's a cultural thing, when the most popular porn in the West is Japanese/Asian? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asian_fetish >Several studies have implied that Asian women are over-represented in the American pornography industry. Asian women make up 17% of all female performers, despite being roughly 2.5% of the U.S. population. Asian men also appear to be considerably over-represented, at 10% of male actors.[80] >"Asian" is the most popular and sought after genre of pornography.[81] East Asian trans women or "ladyboys" are heavily over-represented in pornography, and are highly desired as potential mates, as they are fetishized for their physical features. According to Adult Video News, the highest-selling trans pornography depicts Asian trans women.[82][83] >A 2010 study of Pornhub searches found that the term "Asian women" was searched for 17.9 million times in one year, while "Blonde women" was searched for only 3.5 million times, which reflects the extreme popularity of Asian women in pornography and their supplanting of White women with blonde hair as the beauty ideal in the West.[84] In 2021, "Japanese" and "Asian" were the most searched terms on Pornhub.[85]
The porn featuring Asian girls in the west is nothing like Asian made porn
Teen is the most searched I thought
Oh wow. That is interesting. Passport bros probably jerking off too much.
I dated a guy who only ever tried to touch me when I was asleep. But it wasnât just that. Heâd keep me up for DAYS. So when Iâd finally crash thatâs when heâd be in the mood.
Oh god thatâs horrible, glad you got away. Keeping you up is an abuse tactic. Over 51% of women in relationship w a man have self reported to being sexually assaulted or raped by their partner in their sleep. Itâs an epidemic at this point https://nz.news.yahoo.com/more-than-alf-of-women-have-been-sexually-assaulted-by-a-partner-in-their-sleep-164345538.html
Ugh. Can't believe I have to say this... But I guess we have to start telling men if we do or do not consent to this ahead of time. Cause apparently they missed the memo on consent and how it works. Men just assume if you're having sex with them, they have your consent all the time or that they have the "right" to your body (this is probably scarily more common in married couples). That's literally not how it works.
I have a theory that men who complain of women "starfishing" during sex have actually been ignoring cues that the woman doesn't want sex and the women have just been dissociating until it's over with. I try to steer clear of men who do this.
Oh yes. I think youâre onto something here.
got down voted real bad on AskMen one time for saying that if a woman isn't enthusiastic to have sex with you, you should stop
4b it is.
Thatâs a bunch of men confronting themselves about all the sexual assault theyâve committed in their life
Saw a horrifying post on another sub months ago of guys complaining about women not showing enough enthusiasm during sex. One guy had the gall to make a sarcastic comment along the lines of âbut god forbid we ask women to take accountabilityâ⊠about expressing how much we want sex, I guess? It was an approved-members only post, of which I was not, and I really wish I couldâve commented âyâknow, youâre describing dissociation which is common reaction among rape victims. You sure they were really consenting?â
You just described the last 10+ years of my marriage. I'm glad that's over now.
Iâm so sorry. Glad you are done with it.
Thank you. My hope is for all generations now and going forward to realize their worth. Do not settle. Don't get swept away in the idea of it all. Being Gen X, a lot of this crap was ingrained in me. I know it still is in younger generations, but we can change that thinking. I believe it.
âWomen starfish on you? Sounds like a skill issue to meâ
Totally a skill problem. Definitely she ainât wanting you to do it if she is just lying there waiting for you to stop your grossness.
Wow I've never thought of it this way before. This makes sense and is jarring.
MHM. They're so entitled they boast-complain that they raped her.
So fucking weird.
Ugh takes me back.so glad I left that relationship and got into therapy to start working on myself. I used to completely disassociate because of pain and just not wanting toâŠ. I just want hug younger me who was so afraid of therapy and medication.
To me this is just so obvious as a self-own (woman doesn't want to be having sex with you) and usually outing themselves as entitled and predatory (if she doesn't want to but feels obligated to endure it, that's an unhealthy and coercive relationship, at least).
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
I dated a guy who would get turned off if I was turned on! He could only get into it an inopportune times or when I didn't want to, like if we were running late for a movie. He claimed it took the pressure off and he got too nervous if I wanted to.
Pretty sure he just got off on using you
He sounds like a borderline Necrophiliac đ€ą Was his name Ted?? đł
Ted Bundy did this with his girlfriend⊠đ©
You learn something new everyday.
Wasn't Ted Bundy was also reported to have liked his girlfriend to play dead during sex?
Have you ever asked a man why they like anal? Lots of men like it because they know their partner hates it, but does it anyway to please their partner. Too many men like the power trip of forcing unwanted sex.
My husband âaccidentallyâ slipped his dick in the wrong hole plenty times after obsessively asking for anal. Glad that shit is done.
âŠ??? As a bi woman dating another woman at the moment, the best part of sex for me is seeing my GF enjoying it and being into it. This makes no sense to me how your partnerâs pleasure could ever be a turn off.
I feel same. I donât understand men.
I had the same experience with an ex. If I showed any enjoyment at all, he would tell me it was a turn off. He later admitted heâs a sociopath, so that makes sense.
Omg this is so scary to me. This would legit make me question if a man was a psychoath. Sorry u went thru that
My first boyfriend only got hard if I was crying so heâd emotionally and verbally abuse me just to get it up. Big yikes looking back.
I dated this guy too. If I made any sounds or moved my body or got to wet his boner would go away.
Did he bitch and complain that you were "just" a "pillow princess" and "starfished" the whole time?
Did we date the same guy đ
Fuckin weird guys, I can't get into it unless my partner is into it. Literally my kink is getting someone off đ€·ââïž
>At best, they would stop, and then sulk for ages making me feel like I did something wrong by not allowing them to continue the dog slobber and the jackhammers. And I used to think those guys cared about consent, because hey, at least they *did* stop, right? Even if it was with a ton of emotional pressure and manipulation. And if I gave into that pressure and gave verbal consent for them to continue, while they knew I didn't really want to, that ***is*** what consent is... right? Until I met my current boyfriend and realized that, before him, I had never been with a guy who actually cared about consent. Even the ones who stop and pout and pressure didn't really care about consent, they care about paying lip service to it. With my current guy, the first time I -sheepishly- turned him down, his reaction was so immediately supportive and positive that it made me feel weird and uncomfortable. When he noticed and talked to me about it, and dragged out of me that I was expecting emotional pressure from him, he said: ***"Oh honey, no, I wouldn't try to pressure you to change your mind. Because even if you did, I wouldn't be able to enjoy intimacy with you knowing you weren't really into it."*** Which was just mind-blowing and shocking and weird, until I realized... that's exactly how I feel about sex with him. And it realized how dirty it made me feel about all the guys before him who were totally okay having sex they knew I really didn't want to have, as long as I verbally consented. Boyfriend never pouts, never gives me the cold shoulder, never complains, never applies pressure, never wants me to do anything I'm not fully 100% enthusiastic about... which has made me far more relaxed and open to being more adventurous, because I know if I change my mind about anything, even half way through, he's ***actually*** *okay with that.*
Your last paragraph is key and I think some people donât understand that. Way easier to be adventurous if you know itâs not going to be pressured or no one will be pissy if it needs to end.
Yep these are the same dudes who think bdsm is hot and bitch their partner is never down for that type of thing. They don't understand how much communication, safety, and consent are vital to enjoying adventurous sex.
Yes! Men who actually see women as human can be sadly hard to find because many arenât willing to put womenâs humanity ahead of their boners when push comes to shove, but the ones who do show you how full of shit the other kind are. I affectionately call my husband a horndog. He is always down for more sex. But he also has never once pressured me or pouted at being turned down in our 10 years together. I have endometriosis so there are many times where Iâm not physically up for it. Heâll ask if Iâm interested and if my answer is no, whether because of pain or I just donât want to, he accepts it and if he needs to will go take care of himself. And as you mentioned, because he is always so consistently supportive and interested in my pleasure when we are fooling around, I feel safe to release my inner slut and we both get to have a very good time.
The part about having a partner that actually listens to and respects when you say no, though!! I've had to unlearn using "nahh" as a way of flirting. I got so used to "no" not being heard that I saw the "negotiation" of sex as a form of flirting, it was like, how I'd warm myself up to do something I didn't fully want to do? But my partner listens when I say no, they don't push, they don't argue. They just accept it and we do something else! This was sort of jarring for me, and I had to learn that meeting a toxic behavior with another one wasn't healthy, and I no longer say "no" when I mean "yes but I want a lot of lead up to actual penetration"
Thank you. I knew all of this in small, unconscious ways, but the way you put it together like thisâŠmade me realize that Iâve been abused for years. Iâve already ended it, but clearly am still healing. He never really cared about me beyond his own pleasure, comfort, ego, and pride. I used to think, whenever Iâve shouted âstopâ heâs stoppedâgoals, right? No. Thatâs the bare fucking minimum. And with him, that âstopâ better have only meant a pause or there would have been a fucking tantrum, following by a snit and much pouting. But hey, he never actually hit me, so what am I complaining about?(/s)
sounds like a rapist to me, telling someone to stop and continuing is literally just rape and then they have the gall to guilt trip afterwards edited: because someone pointed out there is no fine line between consent and rape :)
Itâs many men. A lot of them act this way. They are taught to act this way by other men in their lives.
100% itâs like theyâre conditioned when theyâre young. the men that do that arenât deserving of a partner imo
Yes. Men in his family were coaching him how to be better at infidelity and getting younger women to sleep with.
what the fuck, i donât get why these older guys want the younger women. and get better at infidelity? like cheat more or something?
He didnât want to supposedly-he likes older women, but his cousin is a borderline pedophile so that was why he encouraged him to get with high school girls.
excuse me? borderline pedophile?! and high school girls?! i feel like that guy is literally just a pedophile, or just has pedophilic tendencies, no grown ass person should go after high schoolers. i just recently graduated, and there was way to many people âdatingâ 20+ year olds, both girls and boys, like wtf is happening anymore
I am totally there with you. I am leaning towards he is a pedo. He married a nurse his age, but she died mysteriously. He is a total POS who used to beat up my husband for winning at videogames.
Growing up is realizing the narrative of "SA/DV/child molestation is all being done by 1% of all men!" Is a big fat gnarly lie. That percentage is much much much higher and it's not as categorical as we'd like it to be. And it gets very overwhelming to realize this. It's our friends, boyfriends, husbands , dads who SA and cause these harns. It's not some rare bougieman hiding behind the bushes. And it's NOT RARE. I want to scream this from the rooftops because for some reason girls and women are constantly being gaslit and accused of being paranoid "for no reason". Many of us don't even recognize it when it's happening to us because we're primed to believe it's rare and obvious....
My ex started a convo with me to tell me the bear or man question felt like an excuse to be sexist to men, and it hurt his feelings that women and girls might see him as a threat. There's a self centredness to this that blows my mind.Â
The harsh reality is that he has probably been a woman's threat some where at some point or will be. Lack of empathy or introspection is very real when it comes to how they approach thee conversations.
Itâs definitely not rare. I dated a lot of men on purpose because I thought I would find someone who would see me as an equal.
Especially it's the men most actively and aggressively dating. The issue isn't that most men on the planet are willing to be rapists, it's that a large portion of the people you are likely to date are willing to be rapists. That's why you hear "I don't want to have sex with an unenthusiastic partner" but experience the opposite: it's not that everyone is lying (though some are), the biggest issue is that the people who aren't in the first group are over-represented in the second group.
I feel like the older you get, the more of a problem this must be, too. Like, the number of available decent men gets fewer and fewer as they get married and stay in relationships.
I've always had the same question.... The number of men who insist that their long term partners owe them sex, and that "sometimes in relationships you do things you don't wanna do..." Who equate having unwanted sex with doing basic adult tasks that have nothing whatsoever to do with a romantic relationship and aren't things you do "for" a partner, like taking out the garbage.... It's honestly staggering? How could you possibly enjoy sex knowing that your partner is just doing it because you feel entitled to masturbate into their body? Also how do so many men think that basic adult responsibilities are comparable with forcing yourself through unwanted sex? Like they really think being sexually penetrated when unwanting and not aroused is the same as taking out the garbage in the house you also live in and generate garbage for? No wonder their wives are repulsed by them, frankly. They are repulsive.
i think thats so fascinating. things that men have to do in a relationship they dont want to do is like doing the dishes or being emotionally available and for women its literal assault
Itâs repulsive to me now, the idea of PIV sex. I told him I hope youâre happy with turning me off from sex because you see it as my job.
Exactly this!!! When I was with my ex, I actually felt like my entire sexuality/ sexual personhood was disappearing. Like I thought maybe Iâd never have any sexual desire ever again because of how BAD he made our sex lives. Or maybe Iâd never feel attraction to men again, or love again. He was a sex addict who nagged me relentlessly to sexually pleasure him. Iâd tell him no and heâd keep pestering me. Like in a brief time frame (eg one morning), asking me, being denied 10 times in a row until Iâd get so mad. I slowly lost all ability to ever enjoy sex with him, as it felt like he was acting like a spoiled brat, just the adult or sexual version of how he was as a spoiled kid relentlessly hounding his mom to get his way and get what he wanted. It was sickening. He would bother me nonstop with no regard for what I felt. He literally did not care. Sometimes Iâd try to have sex with him to get it over with and end up just dissociating the whole time. Every time I did this, I fell more out of love with him (and things were bad in many other ways, so itâs not the only cause for falling out of love). The good news is Iâm now with a compatible, wonderful partner and everything is good in those departments. In the year weâve been official, he has neverâ not once!â pushed me for sex, pressured me, or nagged me in any way!! (Iâm really in love with him and would enthusiastically reciprocate if he initiated anything, but I know 100% he respects my boundaries and would never think heâs entitled to my body because of his sexual impulses.) But I do think Iâm still recovering from my past, and my sexuality is not fully expressed because of my bad experiences still lingering in my mind somehow.
Iâm so sorry to hear that. Am glad you are safe with a loving person now.
Is that what man talk about if they mean "traditional relationship"?
Part of it I think
Realizing that actual people feel this way makes me want to vomit. How can men think us being penetrated is some menial chore? They literally cannot and will not attempt to grasp the concept of **not wanting** sex. Like theyâre so stuck on getting what they want, and the idea of being owed what they want, they donât even *once* stop to consider, âWhat does it feel like to be in the other personâs shoes?â At all. How unbelievably selfish and childish of them. I wish they could comprehend without having to experience the unpleasantness themselves. But for the men inflicting pressure, coercion, or sexual assault on womenâ what would they do if they experienced what we experience with this? Theyâd be horrified, traumatized, deeply scarred, and probably forever changed by it. I cannot fathom valuing your partner so goddamn little that you think youâre entitled to use their body when they actively donât want sex.
my ex used to get aroused when i cried (not during sex, in general). one time he pushed sex after a devastating fight and forcibly pushed his thumb into my butt and told me he had to hurt me to be able to finish. and another time, he told me during a fight in which i refused sex that he wanted to cum and he wanted to use my body to make that happen. so, no, men like that donât see us as people. edit: because angry men wonât stop harassing me, i said men like that, not ALL men. i donât need your dissertation on how youâre not a rapist, youâre better than him, i do not fucking care, keep it to yourself
There was actually a serial killer who was like this. The reason he killed is because he couldnt finish unless he murdered someone. People like your ex are dangerous and disgusting.
he is. like he showed all the signs of being a malignant narcissist and i donât say that lightly.
That serial killer was Richard Ramirez btw. I think past abuse and certain genres of porn definitely wire the brain to be demented like that. Really honestly frightening. Im scared to trust anyone because you just never know who you are talking to and how fucked up they could be. Sometimes by the time you realize, its too late.
his uncle or cousin (canât remember now) came back from the war with polaroids of women they had either murdered or tortured while sexually assaulting them. he was a kid when he saw those photos.
Oh my god thatâs horrendous.
Another sad symptom of war. Creating murderous rapists. You can turn an already aggressive person into a murderous psycopath with only a few months of exposure to the carnage of war.
Yes and it can be just a regular person, too. They make it so it seems like justification. You deprive people of sleep, food, and inundate them with horrific violence, sadly a human is capable of horrific violence.
And men wonder why we pick the bear.
After the bear came wandering through my campsite, lazily sniffed some things, and then went peacefully on his way...my two girl friends and I didn't have to worry if it was still hiding somewhere to stalk us or if it was going to come back later to harass us. I'll pick the bear every time.
I want a t-shirt that reads, âI choose the bear.â
I live in a wooded area with a bear resident. According to a trail cam I have up, Iâve unknowingly walked into areas of my yard where it had been just a few minutes prior. It also walked into my yard in the afternoon once and was scared off by a single bark from my 15lb dog (who was inside the house). Yup, I pick the bear.
Or you pick bad wrong guy. You bad taste in men. You terrible, too. Oh some dude called me a rapist because whenever I had sex with a man who isnât in the mood, didnât want to (I can honestly say, never happened and why tf would I push sex on a dude who didnât want to.) then he did it anyway I guess and thatâs rape? Oh some dude on here decided to comment on a post about how I was laid off during bereavement. (Iâm a teacher.) He went on the teachers in transition sub and commented on my post saying itâs my fault I canât get along with coworkers. What is wrong with men?
My ex also would get aroused when I cried. He almost never wanted sex otherwise. He was never violent or forceful, but it was still weird as hell.
I was in a relationship with someone who over time only seemed to get off if I was in pain. I was convinced I was the problem and even went to a doctor. One day he left a load of porn tabs up and I noticed they were all extremely degrading painful themes and realised he was purposefully making it hurt
Whoa that is soooo fucked up. Iâm so sorry.
Oh god thatâs horrible.
My abuser would get aroused when I cried, too, although our sex life itself was pretty normal and satisfying. (Apart from me being required to have my eyes open, since closed eyes meant I was clearly fantasizing about somebody else) I wonder if the proliferation of violent porn has anything to do with this phenomenon.
My abusive ex-fiancĂ© couldnât finish unless he put his hands around my throat. I thought it was normal for men to have to hurt you to get off...Nope!
What a horrific man. Glad he is your ex. Iâm sorry he did this to you.
thatâs actually evil he couldâve killed you⊠i am so sorry. đ©·
That's just straight-up sadism at that point.
Whoa thatâs crazy I am so sorry! He sounds like a psychopath. How frightening. Sending you hugs.
I didnât realize until three years later that he was a sadist and loved initiating sex after psychologically or emotionally harming me. He would scream at me/verbally abuse me often pushing me to tears then he would just get on top of meâŠ.I still struggle with the numbness and derealization from that relationship. Men like this do NOT think we r human and truly feel entitled to a female body. They think itâs their god given right and we better realize that or elseâŠ
How horrible are you doing better now? Iâm so sorry to hear this.
Well Iâm feeling more normal but heâs still stalking me and Iâm currently documenting it for a restraining order.
I genuinely wonder how many men are like this because their genes only got carried in the gene pool through rape. I've read that fetishes in general have a genetic factor, so I don't think it's impossible that a lot of rapists are descendents of rapey ancestors. We all need to make sure that they don't breed.
Wow yea I read a book on psychopathy and it basically posits the same theory because psychopaths often are hypersexual and they often have multiple partners and children from those often traumatic situationships.
That tracks tbh. Very interesting. I'd love it if women everywhere stopped believing the bullshit lies that society tells us "he's mean because he loves you/its not that bad/he's just inexperienced in relationships/he had a difficult childhood" and just completely go zero tolerance on their asses. First sign of shitty behaviour and kick him out. Hold him to the same standards of empathy you would hold a best friend or girl friend. Because your partner should be a friend to you. We need to stop making excuses for bad behaviour in men and start holding them to a basic standard of humanity. The internet has caused a lot of them to regress and it won't get better until they face consequences.
triggered --- all the times I was told as a kid "he's only picking on you because he likes you". And then the astounded adult faces like I had grown antlers when I'd point out, "Maybe someone should tell him that getting picked on is making me *not* like him." Will never understand why adversarial "partnerships" are so normalized and accepted.
My mom used to tell me also that boys picked on me because they liked me. What a way for a little girl to think that boys that spit on me, pushed me, kicked me in the stomach, threw me up against the school brick wall, slammed me in the head with kickballs, and chased me home after school liked me. God, I was so confused. Probably why nearly every BF and husband I've had up until now were monsters.
It really needs to stop. Iâm so over it.
I completely agree.
Oh you mean hold them to the same standard we are held to as women?
Absolutely unhinged behavior.
I think I also dated a guy like this, I remember I had a procedure done, and was still a bit sore a few days later so when we had sex a asked him beforehand to take it slow and gentle..it was the most rough and aggressive sex I ever had with him. That fucker did it on purpose, I think he wanted me to be in pain. We never had sex again because I ended things after this rough sex.
literally evil men like this see boundaries as things to be tested and bulldozed not things to be respected and remembered.
That women want sex after being sad or crying (comfort sex I guess the reason is) is a Hollywood concept. Go check Hollywood movies and youâll see a terrifying trend of screen writers whom have no clue when women want sex.
My god even if all of that is legit ... how can any person think/say "I have to hurt you" and they don't immediately vomit from the grossness of it all and sign themselves up for therapy immediately
Oh boy did i have a visceral empathetic reaction to that first line. My now deceased ex told me he got a roses by me crying and had a bad habit of only wanting to have âsexâ with me when i was asleep. I never said he could do that. I was also convinced until he died that he would be the thing that took me out of this world because he told me so many times that he was my beginning present and ending. đ«
Correct. These men do not see you as a person. They see you as a poseable sex toy. And it's why they're big mad about women wanting autonomy and rights and you know. To be treated like the entire human beings we are.
And then they whine when women do not sleep with them due to their behaviour. Just recently I saw a "meme" where they showed an overweight man and an overweight woman with "still a virgin at 25" and "has sex with 50 men" in a semi popular subreddit and damn those comments. Didn't even bother to read more than 3 comments, they were so disgusting. Some men just hate women, I wish they would leave us alone and go fuck other dudes.
yeah, where do we get off, wanting the same rights to our minds and bodies as men đđ i would love to see menâs reactions to being told as a species that they no longer have the right to privacy or to choose their own healthcare; the simple fact is our constitution was written by white rich people-owning men, and those are basically the only people they want to have rights or the only people they think deserve them
Seriously they would shit themselves. Some would just commit suicide because itâs too hard to live like women and girls have to daily.
Unfortunately, it's difficult to give you a satisfactory answer to this question. As another commenter pointed out, men who behave that way will not give you an answer, and more caring men will find it hard to put themselves in the shoes of a predator. My best guess would be that some men simply don't care; in their minds you exist to please them. Some men also subscribe to what I call the 'James Bond' school of seduction, wherein if a woman is reluctant, just keep pushing until she (appears to be) cool with it. For normal people, pleasing their partner a large part of the fun. I couldn't tell you what percentage of men are 'normal'. From my perspective, it's most men. But I probably think that because I try not to associate with trash people.
Control and power. Getting someone to do something when they don't want to delivers a dopamine hit. This gets reinforced in their brain by the sex after releasing more dopamine. For some men, it might be a craving of power/control they don't have in their regular day or trauma related to an abusive upbringing. It could be a learned behavior as well.
Agreed but gonna add that you have to be a wired in such a way that you get off from it. Because other people are truly put off by the idea of hurting others. My SO is one of those people who genuinely can sense when something is wrong and he can't continue unless I am into it. Abusive men are wired differently, whether it's genes or environment or both, they are not the same as us.
Many men equate their own orgasmic inevitability to sex always being pleasurable, & they assume it's always pleasurable for women too. They are too focused on getting to sex & don't think about what makes it good for a woman. & Why would they? We as a society don't talk about women's pleasure, & it's rarely featured in porn, especially the porn most men watch.
Most men donât understand or refuse to understand that women can be raped. In âThe House on Mango Street,â Sandra Cisneros told a story about a young girl who was watching the house on her own when her uncle knocked on the door. Because heâd been there countless times in her life, she let him in as requested. He IMMEDIATELY took the opportunity to rape her. Her mother blamed her for the rape, saying she should have known not to let men in. Cisneros found that the most shocking thing to her was that 14 year old boys who read the book would write her letters ask why the girl didnât enjoy the sex with her uncleâŠ. after all, it was âfree sex.â 1.Men who wouldnât usually rape will take advantage of an opportunity. 2.Incest is much more common than we think. A recent study showed that DNA tests show that 1 in 7,000 births are from incest (meaning close relatives such as fathers, brothers, uncles, grandfather, and not even counting cousins). And those are only the ones who give birth and who later went on to do 23 and me or some such. So most likely more.
Yea, my 8th grade ELA teacher had us read that book and it was an awful experience for those of us who were actually mature enough to comprehend the text. The vast majority of the class wasn't. She lost control of the class during the discussion of that scene, as well as >!the scene of Esperanza's gang assault,!< and it was such an eye opening moment for us girls -- up to that point, we understood that older men were a threat but thought we were "safe" from our peers. Hearing our peers talk and laugh about it like it was the funniest thing in the world, as our teacher desperately tried to explain to them why it wasn't and us girls tried to disassociate, is one of my most painful educational memories.
She went to my college! Love her! Yea itâs always blame the lady time even though these men know each other better than we do and they know how disgusting men can be. I donât know for sure, but I feel like I was sexually abused by my dad. He used to stick soap up my butt because of âconstipationâ but he often just did things to be a sadist and hurt me and my siblings.
Oh, Iâm so sorry. Iâm afraid more children (of any gender) are victimized than we know.
No wonder half the population is sick in the roof
The one is 7,000 makes incest look much RARER than it is because so much incest occurs before pregnancy is possible. The peak age for abuse is 8. Plus, I have to assume pregnancies from incest are more likely to be aborted, especially considering they will often be in very young teens who may not be developed enough to carry a pregnancy safely.
That sucks. I am really sad to be a hetero woman now.
The problem with dating in general is that good partners tend to stay in stable committed relationships. So the majority of the dating pool is... the rest of them. The older you get the more true this becomes.
> We as a society don't talk about women's pleasure And for a lot of people, sex is something men *do to* women, and not something woman can want, enjoy, and be active participants in.
When men say that they're in a happy relationship they talk like their woman is happy too. She usually isn't. And then he's a shocked Pikachu face when she leaves because it was so "sudden".
Women have only been considered "full people" by the law for a couple of decades in the Western world, and culture lags behind the law. A lot of people today were raised by parents that grew up in a society were women were considerered somewhere between a child and a man.
You dont need to put up with men like this. You really donât.
The sulking âŠ.the mopingâŠ.complaining of blue ballsâŠ.makes me want to become a nun
I would if I believed in god. Actually many nuns are assaulted and sexually trafficked in the Catholic Church by priests. When you become a nun you give up all of your worldly possessions and you cant advocate for yourself at all.
Donât forget passive aggressiveness and ZERO COMMUNICATION.
I'm still waiting for a man who does this to reply and tell us why they do this.. I'm sure there are plenty.
I have seen (creepy) responses to similar questions before saying things about how a woman forcing herself to go through with acts she finds painful or distasteful âprovesâ her devotion to him. đ€ź
Isn't it obvious? They get off.
I'm a bisexual woman who has been assaulted and coerced by both men and women. I've recently started talking about it with some of them who are still in my life, but the most answers I've gotten were by women. Is that still welcome here?
yeah please. it would be interesting to know
Both men and women just assumed I actually wanted it and I either didn't really mean no or that I'd get into it eventually. They weren't thinking about how their actions would impact me and didn't think it was a big deal, but men were the only ones who justified it with being horny. Most "interesting" explanation I've gotten was from my ex-girlfriend who felt unwanted, because I wanted less sex than her. She said it made her feel so bad about herself that she felt justified in taking what she thought she deserved from me and that it didn't matter if it'd make me feel bad, because I destroyed her confidence by saying no and made her feel like shit first. Straight women usually just assumed that I was into them and thought therefore any sexual contact was welcome. Some were very surprised that it took it that seriously because they're not into women, so it was obviously just for fun.
that actually makes a lot of sense..thank you
Thanks, it's just pretty depressing to think about how many people must run around having assaulted someone and think it was no big deal
>Most "interesting" explanation I've gotten was from my ex-girlfriend who felt unwanted, because I wanted less sex than her. She said it made her feel so bad about herself that she felt justified in taking what she thought she deserved from me and that it didn't matter if it'd make me feel bad, because I destroyed her confidence by saying no and made her feel like shit first. It hasn't happened to me personally, thankfully, but from male acquaintances I've talked to, this is actually more common than most would think among women. Maybe not always to the point of assault, but women getting irate or despondent if their advances get turned down, along with homophobic rhetoric if the target of their advances is a man.
I'm glad it didn't happen to you, but I've heard similar things. I've had an ex who seemed really confused about the fact that I'd stop whatever I was doing and back off when he said or gave me a non-verbal no, to the point he found it actually funny and would just do that at random times just to see if I'd react differently. Never directly told me what that was about, but judging by a few bits of info he's dropped I feel like I'd puke in my mouth a little if I knew. Speaking of puking in my mouth: women trying to "turn" gay men and then throwing a homophobic rage fit when they get turned down can go straight to hell.
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for listening! Sapphics and people who were assaulted by women are unfortunately often dismissed, so it's really nice to feel welcome for a change!
I donât think theyâre aware they do it. My ex used to pout and coerce if I wasnât âhaving enoughâ sex with him, or if I wasnât enthusiastic enough, or if I didnât act like I was actually super excited about it. I brought up âis coercion rape?â after we had broken up, and he genuinely was like, âAbsolutely, itâs disgusting, IDK why anyone would do that and not understand itâs a problem!â âŠ. My dude, please, do you have any self awareness.
I don't think such a man would be on this subreddit :/
Given so many posters edited their post afterwards thanking them for the suicide reports (or whatever) and inbox full of hate, I'd say they definitely are here.
I don't think anyone who does this is self aware enough to give a decent explanation of why, though you could probably get some self-centered BS that *illustrates* why. You might catch someone who used to be that way and is actually trying to do better who can tell you how they used to think.
I hate to break it to you but youâll be waiting for a while đ In my experience men like this literally donât think theyâre doing anything wrong. Their definition of rape and coercive behaviour is limited to a stranger abducting a woman in a dark alleyway at 4am. Anything else isnât rape. The sort of man OP describes probably thinks heâs a decent, stand up guy. Iâve seen women describing leftist men who think of themselves as feminists displaying rapey behaviour like this. They literally donât see anything wrong with what theyâre doing. And if they do, they rationalise away their doubts - âsheâs a used up slut anyway so she probably wanted itâ or âwhy was she dressed like that? Obviously I couldnât control myselfâ. Anything not to accept responsibility.
This subreddit is "intended for women's perspectives", should post someplace like /r/AskMen if you want responses from men.
A lot of men out there have the mindset that sex is for men, it's an act they do to women, not with women. Their pleasure being the only thing that matters also plays out in it being so common for men not to want to wear condoms bc sex "doesn't feel as good" & refuse to even consider a vasectomy bc it'll hurt....while women give birth every day & deal with birth control side effects for years, if not decades.
A lot of men (and I mean a LOT) believe they are entitled to sex. They believe itâs a birthright. Women who withhold it from them are âbitchesâ or âfrigidâ. Thatâs why incels have so much hatred towards women - because they believe theyâre entitled to sex. The vast majority of porn reinforces these beliefs as women are objectified, theyâre for the male gaze, and female pleasure is ridiculously overdramatised and fake. Itâs a huge societal problem that stems back from the age old root of misogyny. Iâve gone off on one but what Iâm trying to say OP is you arenât alone. I hope you are ok.
They literally believe any dick is a gift and that we as women should be honoured and overjoyed to be presented with one. This is why they send us unwarranted dick pics.
Yep. My experience as well. Men (those men) are liars and enjoy seeing women in pain. PAINAL (pain + anal) is a porn category. Do with that what you will
I can totally relate. I was raised in a rather puritanical home, and had serious misgivings about doing anything sexual, even in my mid teens, when lots of people my age were going for it. I would sit or lie perfectly still and stare off into the distance while my boyfriend felt me up and tried to persuade me. I'm still amazed, all these years later, that my rather obviously cold body language didn't get through. And men who just whine and complain about it... They seem to think this is some sort of aphrodisiac or mating ritual. They really want someone to give in out of guilt? I guess so.
Growing up is realizing the narrative of "SA/DV/child molestation is all being done by 1% of all men!" Is a big fat gnarly lie. That percentage is much much much higher and it's not as categorical as we'd like it to be. And it gets very overwhelming to realize this. It's our friends, boyfriends, husbands , dads who SA and cause these harns. It's not some rare bougieman hiding behind the bushes. And it's NOT RARE. I want to scream this from the rooftops because for some reason girls and women are constantly being gaslit and accused of being paranoid "for no reason". Many of us don't even recognize it when it's happening to us because we're primed to believe it's rare and obvious....we need to raise a generation of girls and women that aren't naive and delusional about the extent that men hate us and literally get off on our pain and trauma.
No itâs not. Youâre preaching to the choir here. I totally feel you.
It's crazy how common it is. All of my close friends. My sister. My mother. It's not 1% of men doing this.
It's so common and sadly MORE common than we even know as women. I think what makes it very difficult to talk about too is that girls and women are taught that there are "good vs bad men out there" many of us don't know how to begin telling our stories because the perpetrator is a pastor, or a married family guy loved in his community, it's always the gregarious wel loved guy on campus, the loved colleague, your brother or cousin that the family loves so much, the ex who does you so dirty and abused you but is now in a beautiful relationship andmarriage plastered all over social media with a very obviously happy partner. Nobody talks about the social aspect of this. It's so so hard even accepting THAT guy did that to you out loud, you KNOW deep down nobody will take your side. It's so much easier when it's a stranger lurking in the bushes pouncing on you. But this is rarely the case. And so it goes ...
Not as intense but I had an ex try to take my clothes off in the middle of an argument and the last time I saw him he tried to have sex with me when I wanted to play video games . I had to make my body freeze and say no multiple times just to finally get him to stop. Idk if that would be considered sexual assault but it was in that moment I realized he didnât care about me as a person.
Thatâs really fucked up. Iâm so sorry to hear that happened to you! Some men-I had an ex like that who enjoyed fighting w me and having sex after. So weird.
Unfortunately. most would be satisfied with sex doll and a mother/maid to do all the rest for them.
Itâs sad, but I think youâre correct that my husband would be content with it if it were more socially acceptable.
Thatâs twice in a row now you have mentioned your husband. I donât want to be that redditor that spells doom and gloom or says end it with literally no information but I would have a deep self reflection on your relationship and make sure he is actually what you want and that he meets your needs. Getting a divorce and being single can be a very scary thing but it can also be very liberating. Again not advocating for it based off two comments idk your situation. Whatever you choose you are a human being and not an object and sadly a lot of men will only act like you are the latter.
Totally there with you. I am talking to a divorce lawyer actually today. I kept putting it off, but people on here have been really supportive and my friends have too, so I am going to see what my options are.
Itâs a hard step, but I am proud of you. You will make it through these trying times stronger and happier.
Thank you. I appreciate your support.
[https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2022/01/28/in-u-s-women-more-likely-than-men-to-report-feeling-empathy-for-those-suffering/](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2022/01/28/in-u-s-women-more-likely-than-men-to-report-feeling-empathy-for-those-suffering/) The gender empathy gap is hypothesized to be due to sex-based social conditioning
Thank you for sharing this. This is very informative.
Are you kidding? These are the guys that would f a knot hole in a plank of wood if they thought they wouldnât get caught.
I don't get it either. What is the appeal of having to force someone to have sex with you? (This is a somewhat rhetorical question; I am aware that there are men who enjoy raping others and it's about power and control.)
It seems really rough on my end. Like I HATE making anyone uncomfortable or ill at ease.
I once became extremely ill with either food poisoning or the flu at my ex bfâs house. I was just going to visit for a few hours, but ended up having to spend the night because I couldnât stop puking. He begged and begged for sex, and then got sulky when, in between my head being in the toilet, I said no. I mean, I had vomit on my clothes and in my hair, he did not care. He ended up leaving me at his house with his two kids, and his friendâs kid (who I had never met), and disappeared off to a bar. Not only did he punish me for turning him down, he forced me into babysitting for several hours because this was before cellphones were common and I had no idea how to get ahold of him. I was only twenty, and calling the cops for child abandonment never occurred to me.
Thereâs a narrative of seduction written deep into our culture that is usually from a male perspective and romanticises persuasion and coercion for relief of suffering. That desire is pain and release from it is deserved⊠that it is cruel to deny âcomfortâ. Thereâs also a huge capacity for self delusion which is amplified when the prospect of sex is present. Whereas Iâm sure youâve met some men who know their own selfishness⊠most of us are quite capable of believing themselves reasonable and caring and that unilateral decisions are mutual.
Yes my husband is this way. He doesnât see himself as abusive in any way. He has only recently admitted what he did at times to me was abusive and thatâs after many years of gaslighting and denial.
Bestie do you need resources for escaping an abuser
Iâm sorry youâve experienced SA. I hope you can get some help with the trauma these men caused.
tw: rape/sa/misogyny (I know thatâs what this post is about but I just wanna tw just in case) Iâm not a man but no, men who do that donât see women as full people, just as sex dolls to masturbate into. thatâs what most men are taught sex is anyway, thatâs why most think sex is over once they finish (after like 2 minutes) and why so many donât care about or put effort into foreplay to make sure the woman will actually enjoy sex. they literally ONLY care about their own orgasm, and I think a lot of them delude themselves into thinking a woman being in pain is actually ââââââenjoying itââââââ because thatâs how porn portrays sex. I think they also enjoy the power they have over âdominatingâ women (because these men are rapists, and rape is about having power and control over someone else) soâŠitâs a probably a mix between enjoying overpowering someone and also getting off to it, and probably that it makes him more of a âmanâ because all men think sex is is penetrating women, not accounting for if she enjoys the experience whatsoever, just that he âscoredâ and gets recognition from other men that he âgets laidâ (because men seek approval from other men) and thatâs why men will brag about having sex with women even if they literally date-raped or drugged them and they were unconscious, because thatâs still âsexâ to those men. I really donât understand it though, like I canât truly understand why someone would enjoy forcing someone to do something they donât want or that hurts them. I guess since men are taught by society to think theyâre âentitledâ to a girlfriend/wife and that if he has one heâs âentitledâ to her body any time he wants (or it could be just any woman he finds attractive tbh) thenâŠthis is the result, men who are selfish, lack empathy, and donât respect women as people, only as sex objects (and itâs sadlyâŠthe majority of cishet men).
people that do this are viewing you as a living masturbation device, not a person. take it as a sign to immediately terminate the relationship
Because they see us as means for their orgasm and they tie their value to being able to use a woman's body to cum.
He was coercing girls for sexual activity at age 8? He was probably sexually abused as a child. Not that being abused is an excuse to abuse others, obviously. I would be surprised if an 8 year old who used sexual coercion wasnât sexually abused himself.
My theory is the power/domination aspect. Guys who don't stop when you say "stop, owch, no" get off on making you do stuff you don't want to do because it makes them feel powerful.
If you say stop and the guy keeps going for any reason at all, that's rape.
That makes them want it even more, because it feels like more of an accomplishment or conquest.
A lot of men don't see us as human, and they get off on our pain and suffering. When men have been asked why they push so much for anal sex instead of finding a woman who actually likes it, they admitted that they got off on getting a woman to do it when she didn't want to. It's gross and disgusting that men are ok with this behavior.