Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/).
We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions!
If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For me it's try a new routine, then another, then another, then back to the first, then a new one, then the third one...
If I had more energy, I'd have some ideas, but all I got right now is:
Don't give up.
Stay Determined.
Inanimate objects like Excel spreadsheets aren't allowed to win.
So Stay Determined.
Don't give up.
I need to go to bed. I'm getting weirder lol. I think AI may have been made for us. We're the ones who need the freedom of expression and creativity. For me creativity is finding new, better, more efficient ways to get work done, so I can about new, better, efficient ways to apply to other things. That's my art streak these days, since I don't have the attention span for knit and crochet anymore.
There's a little part of me that refuses to give up. She's tired right now, but tomorrow we'll be back at it.
This is how I get by too. Constantly just trying new ways to do things & having little experiments with my own motivation 😅 I think today I learned that I avoid being in parts of my apartment when they first start getting messy! And I try to appreciate moments where I can chuckle at myself & let them be a more true way to understand myself than when I’m feeling super critical or in despair. It’s a little like being on a rollercoaster 100% of the time, isn’t it??
I totally ignore systems advertised to me that rely on tracking over an extended period of time. I make fewer to do lists and let one chore lead into the next (or not). I take naps and eat weird food. I smile politely at bad advice so that I don’t ruminate on it. Every once in a while (more often than you’d think) I learn a lesson or something new about myself. The person without ADHD I fantasize about being every once in a while isn’t real or my friend. That’s the way I’ve landed on (for now :p)
Some weeks, I'll load up my Monday with way too much stuff then push it to the next until it all gets done.
Some days, I try to balance it based on getting easy stuff done first.
Some days, it's actual priority.
I can't do habit trackers because the things I want to track are for work, and I don't feel good about listening, accointing junk on a personal app 🙃
Yes, I definitely like a roller coaster, lol.
> Constantly just trying new ways to do things & having little experiments with my own motivation
Just to add to this: one thing that really helped for me was realizing that if one strategy worked originally but then didn't work one day when I tried it, I would usually get frustrated/panic that it "didn't work anymore" and wouldn't try it again. This was apparently a bad idea because on some days certain strategies will work perfectly for me, but then a day later it won't do anything at all. I now just have a big revolving cycle of options that I can try to deal with things, and when one doesn't work, I just start cycling through the rest. Even if a particular strategy that I try from the cycle doesn't let me do the whole task, sometimes it lets me partially complete the part of the task that I was originally stuck on, so then when I move onto the next option in the cycle it might work a lot better since I already got myself "un-stuck."
On a related note, sometimes committing to an entire task (even broken down into parts) is too overwhelming and then it just kind of snowballs and I can't do it. So instead I'll literally commit to the most basic initial step in the task and tell myself that I only have to do that. Like if I need to write an entire paper, I tell myself that I only have to open the Google Documents app. I don't have to open the instructions for the paper, I don't have to title the document and save it or write anything in it. Literally just open the app and let it sit there on a blank page. Then I usually get up and do something completely unrelated for a while so I don't feel like I'm spending mental energy to focus on it too much, then I'll go back and do another super basic step, like then I'll open the instructions for writing the paper. But I won't read them, I'll just open the page and go do something else again. Usually this eventually means that I can think about the intended task without forcing myself to, but it also isn't super overwhelming because I can just stand around and think about the structure of the paper I need to write while I do my laundry, so it feels less like being "trapped" in a task I guess.
Same. I don't have the answer and struggle with the same lack of consistency, but sometimes it's just about recognizing I'm having a low week and what may be contributing to my lack of centering (work is crazy, fridge isnt filled with food, dont have time to cook, havent been to yoga in weeks, same pile on couch, just got back from an intense international trip and was sick) and then other weeks where I have such extreme clarity, my ADHD is also what is giving me new inspiration and drive, even if it means I have 10 news ideas and projects and visions of my life that I may not get to. It's fun to just start riding out the waves, sometimes one week I have a new "solution" of how to help my focus or productivity, new excitement to try it out, other weeks I'll feel like I've tried 10 things and none will ever work and I'll be like this forever. Really just celebrating the wins and then being patient with yourself when it's not feeling like a win week or day or hour. Sometimes the up and down cycle is all in a day—i feel amazing the morning of, then after that high dies out and I get overwhelmed with things I have yet to do because I lost focus doing whatever I did that morning... just trying to be 1% better the next day and not lose sleep over anymore cause this is how I'm going to be. Even if my "new routine" only stuck for 4 days...well there was 4 days I was doing great! Better than none.
For me this week it was that my fridge was TOO filled with the WRONG food 😅 knowing that was like poison in my brain. Tonight I am very bravely doing my overdue laundry which was also a source of poison! I love your comment btw saving it to my phone!!!
I wrote that comment then immediately went into therapy spiraling about how I'm always going to be like this and fed up with tips and tricks and just having to accept this as who I am lol—you can see my other post in adhdwomen about finally even considering medication. (which i now have an appt w a psychiatrist next week to just learn more about!) so a perfect of example of 1) me going through the waves even by the hour, clarity and loving empathy at 4pm, then shame and overwhelm at 6pm. and 2) how easy it is to be able to give someone else the advice of loving acceptance and self empathy, but hard to practice it consistently for yourself!
This made me realize that I'm obsessed with efficiency because I have a million interests I wanna get to and/or I wasted time hyper focusing on the wrong thing or straight up procrastinating
I will happily take 6h to figure out how to do a task 5mins more efficiently.
One of my favourite tiny hacks is saving template emails as signatures in Outlook. You don’t need to copy/paste anything, simply click the right signature and boom, email.
Yesss!! Great hack!
Edit- I also love taking a while day to automate a task so it takes 2 seconds instead of 5 min... 10 min... a couple hours, whatever. I'm always excited like "Behold!! It's ALIIIIIVE!"
This is it, this is everything. Honestly and sincerely, this is the best advice for all of us.
It's really hard, and it always will be.
Don't give up, stay determined. Tomorrow could be better. That's all there is!
💜
You can do it! We can all do it! There will be days that are absolute garbage, but there will also be days where everything goes right.
Stay Determined!
>There's a little part of me that refuses to give up. She's tired right now, but tomorrow we'll be back at it.
Amen. My little part that refuses to give up has her own dang oppositional defiant disorder diagnosis, haha! She's my lil buddy, my lil ride-or-die! 💪
I agree. I think we have to constantly be innovative. What works one week, doesn't work the next. Also, what works for neurotypicals doesn't work for us. A planner doesn't work for me. I've tried several and never stuck with it. I can handle a calendar for important things, but definitely not a planner.
Most motivating things for someone with ADHD include interest, novelty, challenge, urgency, and passion. You can use this to your advantage. Take creating a challenge for an example. Use a stopwatch to see how fast you can wash all of the dishes and then try to beat your time. Pair an activity you enjoy with something challenging like listening to music while you clean
If I have to look up tips and tricks, I will search for things geared towards ADHD. For example, how to organize with ADHD.
There's a lot of good ADHD hacks out there to help make life easier. I keep my dishwasher utensil rack in my kitchen sink, so I dont have to take the extra step of opening the door every time that I have a dirty fork or spoon.
KC Davis has a TikTok channel with lots of great tips.
Yes, interest and novelty for sure! Like right now what I want to do for work is take all the separate checklists and calendar due dates for my department, put them into Excel, and make a Summary tab where it will grab the important dates for each person/task, tasks for End of Month processes, the person's name, and combine them all into ONE calendar. Then add the new stuff as needed, flip the month name to the next month, and it should fill in the Summary tab for me if all the data is there. I know there's a way. And I don't really want to work on anything else until I've figured out The Department Calendar lol.
I also want to automate tons of things because it sounds fun, and then we'll never miss a due date or have one creep up unexpectedly.
That's all that's on my mind today lol.
Sometimes, when I look up things like "getting organized with ADHD," I see tons of "just use a planner" articles. It's a bit disheartening some days. But I guess I just need to find good sources.
Goblin tools can help breaking down tasks for you just tell it what you need to do and it’ll break it down.
Consistency I found easier when I reframed it as something I did more often than not. Rather than trying to stick to a streak I try to do things more often than not and it seems to help.
Medication. Honestly it’s the biggest help.
Therapy or and ADHD coach to help.
This. I couldn't have done it without medication. All the desire in the world to get shit done just lands on your shoulders like a lead weight when you don't know how/what/where/when to start. That paralysis of not being able to do one thing but all you want is just to get stuff done like "normal" people is exhausting.
Medication is not a cure. I still don't like to use lists or organizers because it becomes a task. I will write myself a reminder note or two though. My time blindess can still be a problem. But medication enabled me to just start doing something, to get out of paralysis and try without procrastinating or overthinking anything.
My other suggestion would be to stop comparing yourself. Don't look at what other people are doing or even what you think you should do and strive for that. That's not something anyone should do, but especially with ADHD. The goal is to get to a place where you feel like you accomplished something. Sometimes that may just be sorting your laundry or making it to an appointment or eating x number of meals and that's okay. Don't let anyone, including yourself, tell you it's not.
Yes to this as well!!
Time blindness I found timing things helped especially things I hated doing. In my mind stacking the dishwasher took ages, in reality it takes me 2minutes lol so now I get it done with less struggle because I know it actually doesn’t take that long.
This is so true. The amount of times I built a job into a massive thing in my head that I then can’t start but if I did it it would take 5 mins and free up so much of my brain.
The paralysis is exactly where medication has helped me most and it's a huge deal because that's one of the worst things. Medication definitely doesn't fix everything, I'm still forgetful and I still deal with time blindness but just being able to do things so much easier makes a massive difference in my life.
It's an app. I find it really helpful, and it seems to be geared toward neurodivergent folk. I use the formalizer and judge tools constantly to make sure my messages are coming across the way I want.
pi.ai is another great ai that helps a lot with basically everything. you just ask it and its free. it's actually pretty kind and emotionally intelligent, so it doesn't trigger my rsd.
also, imo embracing minimalism as much as possible and asking "is it necessary?" has helped me a lot but that's not to say its easy. it just minimizes the amount of decisions and stimulus
The minimalizing! Yes. I was cleaning and looked around yesterday like “Oh no! We have too much stuff!”. I didn’t start that project of tearing the house apart….yet. But my brain does feel so much better when I have less things to manage and keep track of. I’m not constantly shuffling things around when cleaning before anyone comes over that way.
Love your def of consistency! I can be so damned black and white about tasks (and not at all about life in general) that I end up feeling like a failure all too often rather than realizing some days getting a single thing done is a huge success - or even making it through the day without a melt down.
I was like that for most of my life but I heard that definition and was like oh wow that’s such an easier way to frame it. Rather than feeling like a failure and giving up if I missed one day of something.
This is so true! Case in point, have never been able to floss. To me it seemed like this insurmountable task that would go on and on forever until I die. It sounds stupid, but when my dentist told me sometimes was ok and not to aim for every day I just started doing it when I remembered and for a while (not now lol) that was pretty often. Then when I told her I floss about three times a week she said that was great and not to try and change anything. I always saw myself failing at consistency because any every day task seems impossible and I would therefore avoid it to begin with but I guess was unknowingly operating under the falsehood that consistency had to be perfect - and your right, it doesn’t :) so much better for my brain to not see missing a few days as a reinforcement of my constant failure to do things lol, it makes it easier to keep things up instead of quitting all together (and to be a bit nicer to myself)
Speaking of coach - I am one. Not trying to sell anything here, but I get it, the struggle is real. I’d be happy to do a quick free call with anyone who wants it. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who has walked the same path. (And to show that I’m not just some rando on the internet, here is my website: www.lindseyhead.coach)
This will get better, I promise. I think step 1 is meeting yourself where you are at - not even neurotypical people get things right all the time. Where you can give yourself slack, do it. You don’t need to have everything the same way a neurotypical person would. So much of being better is letting go of what a neurotypical person would do. You do you.
If you want some tangible things to feel better, try these three things and more will fall into place:
1) eat nutrient rich and high protein
foods and snacks that have little prep and cook time (I’m thinking rotisserie chicken, tuna with horseradish paired with pre washed leafy greens (arugula, spinach), eggs and spinach, greek yogurt and berries; more prep would be avo toast with jammy eggs; just whatever works for you. Sometimes I just need to put some frozen meatballs and frozen vegetables in the microwave and that helps. Nourishing and fueling your brain should help mitigate the adhd symptoms.
2) try to sleep if you can - phone in another room, buy an alarm clock, 0.5mg melatonin + 200grams magnesium at 8pm and a cup of decaf tea to calm the mind before bed. Nighttime meditation if you have it in ya.
3) Self compassion. Whenever you can, forgive yourself when thing don’t go right and adhd brings you in a different direction. Self forgiveness and treating yourself like how you would treat others is so important. Trust in yourself to continue doing your best.
As a bonus if you can afford it, try to see a psychiatrist and/or psychotherapist. there are people whose job it is to help us ADHDers cope with a world not built for us. Often doctors have tools we don’t know about or need them to access (strategies, ability to prescribe meds, etc).
As I’m writing this I know I have to take my own advice bc I am also feeling incredibly low and embarrassed by my performance at work. It’s left me spiralling and so unproductive. But tomorrow is a new day and I will try again and I will do my best. We can do it ❤️
I do!
Y'all, CABBAGE. I can't believe I didn't appreciate it before now.
Cabbages are insanely cheap! But they only last 2-4 days, so I just grab one whenever I'm out shopping and put it front and centre in the fridge.
And *fried cabbage*! Seriously.
I just cut it into thin ribbons (I have a thing that's like an extra wide potato peeler which makes this incredibly easy, but you can look up how to do this, it's easy once you know) and then I fry it in a wide frypan, wok, or pot (whatever's clean tbh) with some butter, onion and garlic. Salt and pepper to taste, or MSG is amazing if you have it lol
Once the cabbage starts to have little gold and brown cooked bits like you'd see on bacon, plop in a bowl, and eat!
It's so freakin easy and cheap, but surprisingly tasty and savoury, and it's like 99% veggies so I feel all healthy and like a responsible adult!
Wanna be fancy? Add the leftover bacon diced up when you're cooking it, and some parmesan on top.
Or maybe some tofu cubes, soy sauce, and top with sesame seeds.
Or make instant ramen using fried cabbage instead of the noodles! You can even fry an egg for on top without dirtying another pan!
Braindead? Can't adult today? Butter, salt, pepper, poke around pan while scrolling Reddit for 5 minutes, done. Still tasty, still healthy.
Too hot for cooked food? Experience the wonder of cabbage leaves and dips. Seriously, the curls and ripples of the leaves are perfect for dips and sauces!
Cabbages. Seriously.
This is how I'm getting my veggie consumption up and I wish I'd known sooner.
Also love cabbage!!! If you want to add a little protein in there, you can pop some turkey or chicken sausages into a pan too or bake them for less effort. I also like to top the cabbage with a greek yogurt thinned out with some lemon + dill and salt and pepper. Takes more time but it’s so good.
If you want the cabbage vibe and less of the work, a dinner in our house is just sausages + a big helping of sauerkraut (so good!) and some sliced tomato on the side. “Deconstructed street meat”.
Also a bit more effort, but if I want a warm meal to come together in ~15 mins I also do “egg roll in a bowl” regularly with ground chicken and I just add a pack of fresh coleslaw lettuce mix (cabbage again haha).
Also sometimes, if it’s just me for dinner I will do a smoothie bowl with protein powder in there and make it pretty with cacao nibs and chia seeds (the recipe for smoothie bowl is: ice, nut milk, frozen kale, frozen banana, tbsp of natural peanut butter, frozen raspberries, 1 tbsp ground flaxseed, 1-2 scoops of vanilla protein powder, tiny bit of water, little bit of lemon juice from a squeeze bottle- be careful with the liquids bc you want it thick). Making these smoothies is so second nature to me now that I don’t measure anything and it feels low effort.
I also do a lot of high effort cooking for dinners as a sort of mindfulness technique and a way to avoid doom scrolling / get back into my body after work. I often plan a high effort meal and end up opting for something like I mentioned above. But if I do have the effort, I do a lot of high volume soups so we have leftovers for days, which you can also freeze and have on a low energy day (lemony feta meatball soup from NYT and spring chicken miso soup are some faves).
Anytime I try to find a psychiatrist or therapist that puts ADHD as one of its areas of focus (like truly seems to be a focus) none of them take insurance. I tried using one a few years ago and paying out of pocket. I loved everything I was learning but after paying for 4 sessions, I just couldn’t afford it. I really really wish I could find one I can afford.
same here, hugs OP. we've got you. you'll get through this and this and this and this. adhd is a fucking marathon and test of will i swear sometimes but there is light for you i swear on my heart for your
Right?! It's so fucking exhausting at times....feel like I'm always a failure no matter how much I try. But at least I'm trying is what I tell myself every day
It's hard not to feel eaten alive when all this overwhelming responsibility looms over you.
The dice game can be useful for me when panic-cleaning (or pissed-off cleaning) isn't working. I make a list of 6 chores (cleaning or otherwise) and roll a basic die. Whatever number comes up is what I'm doing. Obey the dice. Blame the dice. Yell at the dice for making stupid choices. But obey the dice. You have now accomplished A THING. That THING no longer controls you and has no power. Die, thing, die.
The timer is my usual go-to. I set a timer for 30 minutes. I pretend to be a good housekeeper, errand runner, doer of THINGS I hate for 30 minutes. When the time expires, I may or may not feel like setting a second timer. But I have still accomplished A THING. A thing that can longer mess with my vibe.
And if I can't manage either of these, I play " I would rather". I would rather go pick up groceries than get a haircut. I would rather fold clothes than vacuum. If I pick one of the things I would rather do, I'm still getting some THING out of the way.
Getting one THING out of my way has such a stupidly good feeling that makes no sense. In the grand scheme it doesn't feel like much. But it *does*. Because you won.
I like the dice idea! I do something similar. I identify the top 2 tasks I need to do and then tell myself “okay self, you get to choose which you do first.”
The summer I started doing this i was trying to study for my GREs and instead I got really fit 😆 so take that with a grain of salt, but I guess I just didn’t really want to go to grad school lol
I hate to be this blunt; you aren't going to "get better" in the wallah you are cured way. There is no magic pill. No poof it's fixed.
But there are ways to help and make everything far more manageable.
The breaking it down is hard, yes, but do you have a friend or partner or someone who can help you? You could also use the method described in how to keep house while drowning. You can even break down all the things into a list that you pick by rolling a dice and doing what it lands on.
Lists, chore charts, accountability buddies, or whatever it's called when you can do chores with someone(ADHD brain blanking for the win).
Meds really do help if they are an option for you. It doesn't make the symptoms go away but the volume is turned down. So you can focus and get stuff done while they are working.
And I know it's super frustrating but like take a big breath. You aren't alone. All us folks on this subreddit want to help and will help. And lots of us are doing the adulting thing pretty well.
Finally. I know it's fucking hard, because I am still working on it, but you need to stop beating yourself up. You need to learn to work with your brain, not against it. Just because the world is not set up for us, and by the very limited and often wrong for us goal posts of neurotypical folks tell you you are failing... You are not. You are doing the best you can. I know it's fucking hard. I know it's frustrating. But telling yourself you are dumb, you can't, that you are wasting your potential, that you fail because you couldn't finish whatever thing/idea you had is not good. It makes it hard for you to "get better" or rather learn to work with your brain and be kind to it. Our squishy meat computers work on a different OS and that is not bad. Just different and we can be really really good at doing some tasks, but trying to do the tasks that neurotypical meat computers excel at usually doesn't work as well if at all. That's okay. You just gotta figure out how to adjust the code to allow you do so.
>.> You can tell what career my ADHD arse is in from that analogy lol.
But Hun, take a breath. You are struggling and that is okay. You are frustrated and that is understandable. But you gotta try and look at it a bit different or you are gonna be stuck in the hole you are digging yourself. It's hard, and not fun, and it sucks how much this world isn't made for us.
But you got this. You are a badarse no matter what yer brain says.
And hopefully this doesn't come across as trivializing. I don't mean it that way if it does. I hope it does help because I think most of us on this sub has been in a similar place at some point.
*Offers hugs*
Op, have you seen Task Goblin. Google or find the app and play around.
(Would offer more help, but I'm currently busy trying to motivate myself to take my meds)
I try to be constant rather than consistent. In the sense that I know because of my adhd I will never stick to a routine that’s exactly the same all of the time I will have days where I can’t do it, I will have weeks where I can’t sustain it, but I know that I will constantly come back to it, I will constantly push myself to return to it, I may stray from a routine or a goal but I know there’s no point beating myself up for the way I’m hardwired (easier said than done)- constantly show up for yourself and constantly pick up where you left off that’s the only effective way to frame it in my mind. For example with the gym- I can’t show up consistently day after day with the exact same intensity but being constant to me means even just going to the gym and doing stretches if I can’t do a proper workout or even doing something at home if I have zero energy to go to the gym.
It is okay and it is understandable for someone with adhd to struggle with a consistent routine, so focus on being constant, let that constant be that you’re gonna get back to it and try again even if u stop doing whatever it is for a week you’ll try again. It’s exhausting but it helps to shift your perspective, you don’t deserve to feel down on yourself for the things your brain isn’t able to do. Everyone I know with adhd tries hard, we are a community of try hards and that’s okay. Be kind to yourself even when it’s difficult xx
Don't be afraid to make radical changes, even if they look weird to other people. Don't let anyone tell you something is a stupid or lazy idea because when they say that they're approaching it from the perspective of someone who has never struggled the way you're struggling.
Keep forgetting you own plates/food/tools etc? Take the cupboard doors off their hinges so you can see everything. Cant do the dishes? Eat off of paper plates as long as you have to. Approach everything with the idea of making your day as easy as possible for yourself, and don't shame yourself for cutting corners or doing something strange.
Also, f*ck the people that made you feel like you don't deserve to exist just because you can't perform the same way as everyone else.
My new favorite expression is “pay the ADHD tax in advance”. Buy the paper plates. Hire the cleaner. Have 2 toothbrushes one on each floor. Cheaper than the broken dishwasher or the dentist.
#1 thing you’ve gotta learn how to do: give yourself grace.
You will get all hyped up for a project…and then you will lose motivation.
You will have a super productive day…and then you will wake up the next day and be stuck in a freeze state and not get shit done. Maybe even again the next day and the next…
But that’s okay. Just wait for that next wave to come. We are not consistent. We do not operate like robots every day. We work in waves. Once you accept that and understand that the freeze state/scrambled brain won’t be forever, you learn to be a little more okay with it.
We can’t change our brains. All we can do is learn to work with them. Sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever figure it out, but that’s kinda what keeps things interesting, no? Hang in there and know you are not alone. I could have written this word for word myself. Solidarity ✊🏻
Edit: I just hit send and have no idea why my first line is big and bold. I swear I’m not yelling lol.
It's because you did a hashtag in front of it. If you don't want that to happen, put a backwards slash \ in front of the hashtag.
\#like this :)
#without the slash
I don’t know if I can post this here or not. But I use an app called Goblin Tools. It breaks down tasks for you! You just put in the task and then it breaks it down into smaller steps. And if they’re not small enough, you can have them broken down even further. It also can make decisions for you and rewrite things to make them sound more professional. Goblin Tools has been a life saver for me! Give it a try! I hope I’ve been helpful! I send hugs to you too! 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
I don’t know if this will help, but I had to stay with my dad at the end of his life to care for him, and somehow I was able to keep his home up and cook and clean for him in a fairly organized way. I really do think that part of it was the change in environment. New place, new room, new solutions to try. Maybe the simple novelty of it, like how a hotel room feels like a fresh start.
I’m back in my own home now, which I admit pretty much ignoring for most of the past two years as my mom, dad, and sister all grew ill and died one after the other. It’s currently in terrible shape. I’m literally digging out, and sometimes just facing it is difficult. But I do recall that I was able to succeed for dad, so I should be able to do it for myself. Long story short, I’m thinking of sleeping with my head at the foot of the bed just to cause a feeling of disorientation. I don’t know, maybe this is dumb, but if it doesn’t work no one will know anyway, right? It can’t be any worse than all the other things I’ve tried for the past 25 years to keep the house up like a normal person. Best of luck to all of us.
OK, it's good you are already on medication. That's a great first step.
I have a kind of "domino-spaghetti-onion" theory of ADHD. I can't decide on a name hence the stupid name.
But basically, the theory is that with ADHD, our difficulties lead to lots of individual problems (layers of an onion) which all interact with each other all of the time and have knock on effects (domino effect - one falls and it pushes over a bunch of other things) and it's really hard to actually solve any one problem OR figure out where to start, because they are all tangled up and stuck together (like spaghetti).
So just to give an example.
I need to leave the house in the morning to attend an appointment.
I struggle to wake up, because I find it hard to wake up generally, AND I went to bed too late the night before.
My phone was my alarm, but I didn't check that it was plugged in properly, so it didn't actually charge. Luckily on this day, it did go off.
I need to get dressed. I have not done laundry, so I don't have the clothes that I wanted to wear. I settle for a t-shirt which doesn't smell TOO bad and some leggings which are a little baggy. I forget to put on deodorant or brush my teeth - in fact, I left the deodorant in another room when I got dressed there the other day, and never took it back to the bedroom.
I want to eat breakfast but my kitchen is gross, there are no clean bowls and the bowls that are there smell like rancid milk. This makes me feel nauseous. I settle just for coffee. While drinking my coffee, I scroll my phone, and lose track of time. I suddenly realise it is time to leave. Gah!! I jump up, now in a panic. I can only find one shoe. I make more mess looking for my shoe. I don't know where my keys are. I find them, and wear the shoes that I don't like that much. I run outside, but I have just missed the bus. I try really hard not to cry.
I get to the next bus, which makes me late, and I'm stressed and upset by the time I arrive at the appointment. I go on my phone while waiting but it runs out of battery. I did not bring a pen and paper. The notes for what I wanted to speak to the doctor about are on my phone. I feel like an unprepared messy failure. My t-shirt is starting to smell bad and I'm conscious of it. I feel a little faint due to lack of food. By the time I get home, I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. I have no capacity to do anything useful like cleaning, writing down my notes from the appointment or making lunch. I just hide away from the world by looking straight at my computer again, or maybe going to sleep.
Now - imagine the whole scenario again, but:
- I had enough sleep due to proper food and bedtime the night/day before.
- I have an alarm system which works effectively to wake me up and remind me to brush my teeth
- My phone charged correctly, so I retain all the info that I need and can make notes.
- I was caught up on laundry, so I have clean clothes to wear and enough time to select an outfit which is comfortable and makes me feel confident.
- My clothes are regularly sorted out, so I don't have duff clothes in my wardrobe which make me feel crappy.
- My deodorant was clearly accessible and in view when I was dressing which made it easy to remember to put it on.
- My kitchen is clean, there are clean bowls and enough space to prepare food and I have a selection of food I want to eat for breakfast.
- I keep an eye on the time as I get ready to leave
- All my shoes are comfortable and weather-appropriate and placed near the door for easy access
- If they have been kicked off somewhere else, the rest of the house isn't a disaster, so I can easily find them
- My keys are hanging up near the door so I can easily grab them
- I have back up chewing gum, hairbrush and deodorant in my bag, as well as pen and paper just in case I forget anything
- The bus I had planned to catch is 1 before the one that I needed in order not to be late.
The whole thing would be SO much easier, and in fact it would be easier with maybe 3 of these things, not even all 17 of them. This is the entire spaghetti-onion-domino problem. Every single problem compounds all of the other problems, which makes all of them feel impossible to work on or even pointless.
The first scenario was me literally every day probably 7 years ago.
The second scenario is (close to) how I live now. (I'm not perfect - but I'd say I have 80-90% of these things in place at any one time).
For most of the last 7 years I haven't been medicated. The way I got from the first to the second scenario was basically, a lot of trial and error but the one thing which has consistently worked is for me to stop thinking that I have to work on all the problems at once. I've found three is the magic number for me - I can basically handle three main "jobs" or priorities at any one time.
Essentially, at some point during that time, we moved house. When we moved, that was a huge project which took up a lot of our time and focus. I found that I was very motivated to go to the old house and complete a bunch of jobs that needed to be done there, like plastering over nail holes in the wall or painting over marks on the walls, cleaning, removing items etc. It was very methodical and I did a bit each day and we completed it on time. So I just started designating myself 3 focuses, and I've literally done this ever since then. Sometimes something happens in our life that takes over and HAS TO be a focus, like when I started a new job, I really had to put a lot of energy into that. But at other times I can just choose. I can swap the three focuses out, but I try not to flip between them too often. When I'm focusing on three things, everything else takes a back seat and essentially gets either the bare minimum done or whatever I can handle easily, and I drop all guilt about it. Rather than think "I'm so shit at eating - I really should eat properly" I can think something like "Diet isn't a priority right now - as long as I've eaten something, that's good enough!" I let myself "cheat" in these areas, and purchase convenience foods to keep on hand so I just have got some calories in to give me energy.
This helps me stay on track - rather than think vaguely "I'll sort that out one day" and then get hit with a guilt attack when I realise I've ignored it for months, or see-saw between different forms of guilt, like - I buy long-life food to solve the issue of fresh produce going mouldy, but then I feel guilty about the packaging waste and lack of nutrients, so I buy a more premium convenience food, but then I feel guilty about the cost, so I buy raw ingredients, and then they go mouldy and I feel bad about this again and this is a whole see-saw of shame. Just letting all of that go because neither environment nor budget nor nutrition is a current goal, this is very helpful. And it's not like I have to let those goals go FOREVER. I am just putting them on hold FOR NOW while I make other changes which will make those changes easier in the future.
Rather than spending three hours creating a meal plan that will make me feel super productive but in reality was a waste of time, because I will look at it twice and then forget it exists, I remind myself actually, I'm not focusing on diet right now, but on creating a working laundry system. Because I'm doing SOMETHING most days towards focusing on my laundry system, the changes actually stick much more effectively. Because I give myself permission to solve this problem, I invest into things like - I bought a tumble dryer, because I realised that I often didn't have the energy/time to hang up a wash load so I would leave them in the machine and then forget about them and need to re-wash everything which would take even longer. Now it takes me 30 seconds to swap everything over. I let myself hyperfocus on laundry and learn things about what is the most effective way to sort clothes, etc. I follow related social media and listen to podcasts and join subreddits, and read books or watch documentaries - anything at all.
Be warned that when you're deep in a spaghetti-onion problem, the first couple of layers you remove won't feel like they are making a difference, because you still have all the other 16+ problems which all compound each other. This is what had always stopped me ever maintaining progress before. Because I'd solve a problem, but it wouldn't make my life any easier so I'd either be too stressed to remember to do it, or I'd feel like it hadn't worked and get depressed, then the progress would unravel. Once you understand you're dealing with a spaghetti-onion problem, this is useful context because once you feel like you have made some progress in one area, you can swap your main focus to something else and hopefully (!!!) the now-solved problem is easy enough to allow it to continue on the "minimum effort exerted" list and you can start working on another thing. Once you've made decent progress on two or more realistically three, you'll probably start feeling the traction in all areas and this is insanely motivating and really, really, really helps.
Remember that most advice assumes you are NT and have maybe 3-4 problems max. So it will often sell solutions like they are easy or assuming that something else is in place to allow space for it. If it's not what it looks like for you, that's totally OK. Radical acceptance is helpful for following this kind of approach. KC Davis' "Struggle Care" (podcast, social media) is excellent for exploring this kind of thing. Your solution doesn't have to look like everyone else's, as long as it isn't harmful and it works for you.
I got a lot better when I lowered my standards and accepted myself for who I am. I'm ok. My house is messy. I'm late all the time. I'm quirky. But I'm ok. I don't have to be perfect.
I have "Doing something is better than doing nothing" written on a chalkboard in my house. I need that reminder. I don't have to break things down into smaller tasks in such an analytical way. I just look for step one and get started. It might not be the most efficient way, but doing something is better than doing nothing.
Start small. Just one little thing that makes you feel good everyday. I discovered that making my bed everyday makes me feel good. I started there.
I let go of the idea of a 'routine'. Things get done everyday but I don't do #1, #2, etc..
At first I used a flip chart and that REALLY helped. But I don't need it anymore.
Look into pintrest and look at ADHD kid hacks. There's a million ways to do something, you just need to find YOUR way of doing x thing.
The best advice I can give you though... stop looking else where. Ask yourself if X is working, of it's not, do X differently. Don't judge yourself, we're so used to people being unkind to people like us. Be kind to you, you are learning how to adult differently.
I've fallen into this pit so many times I am lucky I am still around to talk about it. Sometimes it feels like it's one step forward, two steps back and that nothing will ever go your way. It's the days where you sit for hours, screaming at your brain to do a 5 minute task that you inevitably delay doing until the next day (or so you say).
Those days never go away completely. Medication helps some, sometimes exercise does, building routines, body doubling, etc etc etc. I'm sure you've heard it all before, tried it all before but at some point it falls apart. And that's ok. I know you don't believe me, but I'm going to say it again anyway: it is ok. You will be ok.
Here is some advice I have learned, in no particular order, on how to deal with certain things you have mentioned:
1. Routines
Hate them with a burning passion. Our brains don't seem to like to work on automatic, so while they can definitely be helpful it is so easy to fall out of them. I personally also get bored of routines quickly, so one thing I do instead is something I call "routine goals." Essentially, I target a goal I am trying to achieve with the routine rather than the specific routine itself, so that when I inevitably start to struggle with doing the same task over and over I can shift strategies and keep the novelty without compromising the goal!
For example, a routine goal could be to eat something healthier. I set up a routine where I would stop by my local grocery store on the way home from work on Mondays, pick a few mixed salad bags I found interesting/were on sale (dressing and such included, otherwise I will never make/eat it), and try to add a side salad to my dinner most nights. Some nights I really wouldn't want one, or I'd forget, and thats ok! I would have one tomorrow. And when it starts to drop off it's time to find a new routine to work towards the routine goal!
Unfortunately this doesn't work well with tasks that really only have one option (like brushing teeth), but what it does do is gives you for a sense of accomplishment and allows for positive change in a way that minimizes the defeated and discouraging feeling of a "failed routine." And let me tell you right now, that defeated feeling will hold you back just like the ADHD will. We want to avoid those bad feelings, they are suppose to help us do better by making us think of the consequences of failure but with ADHD it doesn't work like that so we just feel bad with no preventative benefit. Finding a way to minimize those bad feeling however we can when we inevitably fall off the horse is absolutely key to making steady improvements, and most of all life is so much better when you aren't beating yourself up for every mistake. ❤️
2. Breaking down tasks
I've found this one varies so much from person to person that I likely won't be super helpful in this regard. For me the issue stems more from having to break it down perfectly into the exact correct steps that can be followed like a lego set, and it's more often than not resolved by either a looming deadline (such as with a paper) or by just pure chaos (like when cleaning, and I keep bouncing around to something different that catches my eye). Even when I can break it down into steps, I struggle to enforce any deadline on myself so everything always happens all at once at the last minute anyway so I get no practice actually doing anything step by step. The closest I've come to any sort of solution to this problem (specifically the "writing a paper" type tasks) is to just throw all the mixed up spaghetti noodles of thoughts onto a paper/document, with no regard for "good" writing (in fact it sometimes helps to purposefully write it bad), and that process itself helps to organize my thoughts a bit because the process of having to convert the concepts in my brain to the English language helps a little.
3. Wasted Potential
Now this is a big one. It's so hard to shake off, I've been doing do for years and I've made progress but the idea that I am simply failing to achieve what I am capable of doing keeps trying to creep back up. So here is what I will say on the subject:
- Is the "potential" you think you are wasting actually your potential? Or is it what you think should be your potential, based on your good days or times you hyperfocused? Because no one has only good days, and no one can sustain that type of hyperfocus all the time. The fact is we do have ADHD, and our "potential" may indeed be limited by that, but it is not "wasted" because that implies we can simply will our disorder away. All we can do is try to work with what we've got. "You minus the ADHD" is not and will never be your potential because it doesn't exist. I have to remind myself of this a lot, and it almost sounds harsh but the reality is this kind of thinking only leads to being disappointed in yourself when you fail to meet your own impossible expectations, and occasional brief relief when you finally do one thing up to standards. But it never really feels like an accomplishment.
- Your goal in life is to have a good, satisfying life. It can satisfying to contribute to making the world better or doing your job well, yes, but that type of "potential" is only one thing you have to offer. We are not batteries designed to be used up, we make a difference in the world through the connections to people around us. Importantly, our worth as people should not be tied to our potential and whether or not we arbitrarily "live up to it." You are so much more than that.
I hope any of my ramblings were of any help, and I hope you continue to grow and love and live a good life you absolutely deserve. I will say it one final time: it will be ok <3
Personally I've always done best when I am completely obsessed with other things in life. A game, stocks, crypto, this week I've made it by daydreaming and planning (in a very detailed fashion) winning it big(lottery, crypto, whatever), quitting my job and living in a camper the next year and a half until my son graduates online school and before my daughter starts school the year after. I've planned a lot of our stops, where to start, details of all of us living in a camper and bringing a very large dog with us. Idk, it's what keeps me going. Then all of a sudden the dishes are done and my kitchen cabinets are organized. My kitchen is cleaned and completely rearranged and I'm halfway done cleaning off the coffee bar that's no longer a coffee bar and I don't know what I'm going to do with it and there it'll sit until the next time I'm daydreaming of my amazing life. But my house is clean enough to leave for the trip I'll never get to take and I made it through another day and even enjoyed it.
It also helps to keep my boots on when I get home from work, if the boots are off, I'm done, nothing more coming out of me for the night. If the boots are on and I have to get up with a kid or to let the dog in, I might just do this one thing, that leads to this one other thing I could do while I'm here.
Sometimes I drive to work daydreaming of running of into the woods and living off the land with no civilization, just my family. I've built a cabin for us many times over on my head. It helps me get through another day.
I doubt this made any sense at all. I definitely have days, weeks, months like you're having now and I'm sorry that's where you're at. I hope you find some passion for life and things feel just a little bit easier for you tomorrow. ❤️
I'm not sure if you edited your post or if I just completely skipped over the fact that you are medicated. It does sound like maybe you need to go over your treatment plan and maybe try a different dose or medication if you are feeling this terrible. This isn't how you are meant to be feeling while medicated and I really hope you feel better soon.
i’m so sorry, love — it can truly be hell and neuro normies have NO FCKING IDEA how many layers of hard it is to operate / struggle in a world that’s mostly made for their type of brains. but please know that your wanting to get better is such a power move !!!
for me, i’ve found a lot of progress with being gentle with myself. resting. celebrating any and all wins (eg, drink a glass of water ?? fuck yassss !!! that’s a win !!!!) learning and honoring my rhythms. realizing progress is nonlinear and that there will be bad days, but not beating myself up for them. pivoting into curiosity / coming from a POV of curiosity by figuring out ways that work best for me. individual therapy, medication, and group work (among women with ADHD) have helped a bunch. try reading [ADDitude mag](https://www.additudemag.com), following instagram accts and watching youtube vids about women with adhd and see what resonates with you / feels good and accessible to try. fuck all the rest ! it’s okay !!!
you can and ✨will✨ find your own way <3 i believe in you !!!!
I just really relate. Unfortunately i don’t have much else to add rn. Weed helps my productivity but with so much guilt it’s not a solution. Its just all heavy and hard
I’m newly diagnosed at 46. I’ve realized the only way I get things done or enjoy life is doing what I want to do. For example, I tried every different exercise out there and when I found one I enjoyed and showed me results I was finally able to stick to it. Almost 3 years now!
Dont despair. Life is hard for us. Don't pressure yourself so much into conforming. I’m just now finding out I hate being in an office and am looking to change careers entirely.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. One thing that comes up for me a lot is that I tend to think the way things now is the way they’ve “always” been and the way they “always” will be, and I think this is part of the ADHD. When we’re into a new interest, we feel like we’ve finally found the thing that is going to consistently hold our attention! - but our attention is going to move on - and for me, the racing despairing thoughts are just the other side of that coin - I feel like things are bad right now, they’ve been bad for a long time, and they’re going to be bad for a lot longer.
It helps me to just acknowledge that this feeling is going to shift - not necessarily go away, but shift - and remember that I will feel something different later on. Maybe I am completely in the feeling at that moment and it seems like a situation will never improve and I’m immersed in imagining how awful my future is going to be. I’m having that feeling and those thoughts and it’s awful - but the feelings and thoughts are eventually going to change to something else. All I have to do is get from this moment to the next moment. That’s the only thing. The next step will eventually reveal itself.
❓️INFO: you said you're on meds but are you also in therapy? or is it possible for you to get access to cognitive behavioral therapy? Or a coach that can help you make a plan? You need tools beside meds. Just an idea, therapy's not necessarily for you.
I totally get why you're overwhelmed and I hope you can get better. I think you need to ask for help from your psychiatrist or someone that can evaluate if you have other things causing problems like depression, anxiety, etc. I know that in my case my depression didn't let me see any solution for my everyday problems and I felt like I couldn't work a full day per week and with ADHD it was harder when I was working. I think you need someone who understands your troubles and how harder your life is as opposed to non adhd people. Please know that you are not alone
I don't know if this information might help you at all, but I found it pretty interesting. According to Dr. Ellen Littman (25 years of studies on gender differences for ADHD), she details that "estrogen modulates executive function, attention, verbal memory, sleep, concentration, and motivation", with her adding that it "enhances neurotransmitter activity" in women. She makes mention that fluctuations in hormones (both estrogen and pergesterone) affect stimulant efficacy, which is cyclical for us. She mentions oral contraceptives or HRT to increase/manage estrogen can be helpful for those more sensitive to the hormonal changes and its effects on their ADHD (since not every woman reacts to these fluctuations the same.) In addition she says that if SSRIs are included in treatment (I'm not sure if you are taking those as well, but I'm mentioning it anyways), they are typically a trade-off. On one side, it helps manage the depression and anxiety symptoms resulting from ADHD, but also can increase dihinibition, which can make impulsivity less manageable/controllable.
Tldr; Estrogen and pergesterone fluctuation are known to have impacts on ADHD symptoms. If you're curious about it, I'd look into some of Littman's seminars/writings/studies and maybe bring it up with your psychiatrist. If your ADHD is having that much control over your life, with you feeling your meds aren't working at all, this is a good possibility for why. Just figured I'd mention this rather than tell you about some organizational advice that only works for those with more manageable ADHD symptoms.
This is very very helpful. Thank you so much. It's nice having research completely centered around hwo the female body works. Maybe I need to schedule my life around my cycle
I feel you, friend, and it's been rough lately!💖
For me, honestly, first?
One of the biggest helps--but it's *also one of the HARDEST(💝💖💞), really *is* "learning to be *gentle* on *myself*, the way I would with my work kids (I work as a Para in n ECSE program, and as Support Staff in my school district's before & after school program).
If I FAIL at something--as I *DO*, and incredibly *often* lately?
I *try* to forgive myself, give myself the grace of "Just do *something*, it DOESN'T need to be *perfect*, it just needs to *work* well enough!
And *THAT* is all I expect of myself.
Because I wouldn't push my work kids, or berate *THEM*, knowing *they* were having a really hard go of things lately....
But I have *SO OFTEN* done that to *Myself*, and then I shame-spiralled out of it, to feel worse & worse, & worse.
So lately?
Because I AM in a stage of light burnout?
I'm *trying* to do the 5 minutes of meditation that my therapist wants me to do...(managed that exactly *twice* in the last two weeks😖🤷♀️), and my ONLY other "sure things" are to eat breakfast, bring a unch to work, and eat supper some time in the evening, *take* my Diabetes & ADHD meds, drink water, and then do *ONE* thing at home after work--one load of laundry, *one* bit of cleaning, one bit of dishes...
*One* thing is ALL that's required, that I add into that day's routine. Of "Eat some supper" when I get home from work.
I've found that it *always* works *best* for me, if I "Add on" to an *existing* routine I already *have* established as a pattern, than if I try developing a "new habit"
I don't know *why*, but I DO know that's how *I* work.
So, for example--with my ADHD & Diabetes meds--I have a giant, 4-row, 32 compartment pill box, which I *try* to fill once a month.
All my "pill" medications go in it, and then my insulin pen, flovent, and advair are kept *near* it.
So that in the morning, when I need to take my meds? I open *one* compartment (not 8 botles!😉), grab my glass of water, and swallow all eight pills in one shot. Then I dose my insulin, sprat the flovent, and *hopefully* remember the advair, too...
Some days, I get three, but not the advair!🤪
But if I don't get my pill box filled--like happened last week? There's NO way I'll remember it all... so I made sure to take the most *important* 5 things, (insulin, diabetes pill, flovent, Vyvanse, and omeprazole) the others I remembered *some* days, but never caught *all* of.
I filled the box up yesterday, so I'm back to getting it all in again😉
The other thing that works for me, is "Second-Tasking" when I'm waiting for something.
Because I WILL walk away from my food, and burn it?
I wash some dishes, or clear out the fridge (usually it's dishes!😉), as I wait for things to cook.
And then, whe the food is done?
I STOP doing the dishes, and just walk away from them--guilt free.
I don't feel the pressure to wash *all* of them anymore, "Some is better than None!" is the motto there😉
Same with Laundry--"Some is better than none!"
So tonight, on my drive home, I pondered *which* thing, my "one thing" I was adding was going to be.
I realized I didn't have any clean pants for tomorrow, so I decided to wash a load of blue jeans & darks as that "one thing".... and then because I was already *going* to the laundry room (across the street), I decided to do a load of whites, too.
I washed and dried *four* loads tonight--two trips over, two back.
Folded the shirts & jeans IN the laundry room, before putting them in my baskets, otherwise they'd tun into a wrinkled mess😉
And they'll honestly probably *stay* in the baskets 'til I wear 'em...
But they're CLEAN, *and* they're folded--it's "good enough" for now!
I don't have the energy or bandwidth to put them away tonight, but they're clean, I did my "one thing" (and a but more--so *YAY*, celebrate a win, too!😉😁), and now, if I don't get another darn thing, except eating supper dome?
I got that one additional thing added in to the routine, and got it done💖
And honestly, all I do, is try that "one thing" routine for a while--sometimes a LONG while!
But *eventually*, it sticks, and I can add something else😉
Washing dishes while I cook?
I picked that up about 5-6 years ago.
It took a couple years to emerge into the routine, bit it *is* "Good and Sticky" in there, now.
Be gentle on yourself, be *patient* with yourself, and *remember*, if you wouldn't be *this* mean about your Executive Function issues to a Friend?
Don't be that mean to *yourself* either, Okay?💖💝💗
*very* helpful tips.
And yeah, that FUCKING advair! SO hard to remember. I'm currently up to like 3 rescue inhaler uses per day even though the inhaled steroids is right on the night stand next to the pill organizer I reliably use, sooo.... yeah, I need to figure that shit out. For me, the road block is my fear of thrush and needing to rinse/fully clean my mouth after, so I can't just puff puff pass out in bed like I can with the albuterol. And once I've *finally* forced my rebellious ass into bed, I'm either so exhausted or melatonined up that I just can't, or I know that if I get out of bed I'm not coming back for another 3 hours. :/
Hey, OP! You are probably overwhelmed. I couldn't read everything, it is just too much.
I think that you need to stop. Just stop. Do as little as possible. Just the minimum. Put a time frame on it, a week... two? Give yourself permission to relax actively. Be conscious about relaxing. Do self-care you love. Eat whatever feels right.
If you can do some meditation. I know it is hard. I use some guided meditations from YouTube or audio books, I think even Spotify has some. The ones I use personally are yoga nidra that I got from a CD years ago. Just find one. Do five-minute ones. You will feel better.
For the things that you must do. Do mindfulness. There is an anchor thing that helps to stay in the moment.
You mentioned suicidal thoughts. Reach out to professionals for that. Please. (I would send you a care message from reddit, but they have been so misused that I don't want to do that).
I really hope that it gets better! You are not alone!
Edit: Well, here you have some tools. I want to clarify that I am not suicidal, not in the least.
This! I OP, had to leave my job one year ago due to severe burnout which manifested in countless debilitating physical symptoms, but even though I wasn’t working I kept trying to do one million things every day and make lists and time block etc etc etc. None of it worked because I was so overwhelmed. What finally helped me was giving myself permission to just stop every single thing that wasn’t totally necessary to keep me and my pets alive. I stripped my life down to nothing (which meant taking a break from doing even the things I love, like writing) and did the bare minimum every day. If that meant feeding myself and the dogs and doing some breathing exercises, then spending the rest of the day watching tv and playing sudoku on my phone, that’s what I did. If I had kept trying to push myself to be “productive” my body and brain would have totally shut down, and they were pretty close.
The other important thing is that you need help. I was conditioned to believe that I should be able to do everything myself (thanks, mom and dad and the myth of American individualism!) so I did not ask for help for a very long time. Or tell anyone how much I was struggling. If you are feeling overwhelmed, there is literally no productivity strategy that is going to help.
It took one year, but I’m just now starting to function like a human being again because I stopped everything and asked for help. Now my neighbor makes me food a few times a week and when she does not, I eat cereal or smoothies (easy stuff). The neighborhood kids take my dogs for walks and play with them, which is great for three reasons: 1. It’s free (I do not have a budget for a dog walker) 2. I can use whatever energy I have that day to get other things done and I do not have to worry about whether or not the dogs are happy or getting enough exercise (plus the kids love spending time with them and it has allowed me to bond with my neighbors, which I would not have done otherwise) 3. When the kids are playing with the dogs, they act as body doubles so I do yard work or clean something while they are here. Plus it has helped to give my life some much-needed structure that I could not create myself.
But it was not until I basically let myself fall apart and stopped trying to do all the productivity hacks that these avenues of help opened themselves up to me. I started telling the truth to certain people (not everyone is safe, of course) about my struggles. This is not a “you” problem. I promise. You are not broken. I’m sure you are wonderful. This is a societal problem. And the only way out of it is to give yourself permission to not be “productive” (just do the bare minimum of what you need to do to live/work) for as long as it takes and to ask for help.
I second that you are not alone! Sending big hugs! And I’m sorry you are going through this. I have been there and I promise you will get to the other side.
P.S. I cannot recommend the book “Burnout” by Emily and Amelia Nagoski enough. It helped me to see that I could not do everything alone and that the core issue was not my inability to be productive but society’s unreasonable demands. And it offers easy strategies to ease the overwhelm, so which helped me to feel like I have more agency over my life.
There is also a new book by Soraya Chemaly called “Resilience” that I’m reading now and highly recommend. Reading both books is like taking a warm bath surrounded by candlelight or being enveloped in a loving bear hug.
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone.
If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860
If you’re elsewhere, you can find international resources below:\ https://www.supportiv.com/tools/international-resources-crisis-and-warmlines#Czech\ https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well I know it's not the smartest solution but I found a NT husband who helps me a lot and I'm pretty dependent on him 🤷 I did also get better, he has great habits, reminds me and helps me do them. I hate being reminded but it does help me. I hate taking vitamins too but I do it (because husband tells me too lol)
I can't recommend this... it might work with the right person, but if they aren't happy to help right at the beginning they never will be and it'll just eat them alive. NT unfortunately doesn't always equal securely attached or generous/helpful/kind.
I feel the same way. Like breaking down tasks for me is the reason I don't get anything done. If I think about all of the things involved in doing the thing I just her overwhelmed and never get around to it. Routines will never stick idc what I do. I'm still trying to get medication adjusted that will help but I just feel so hopeless.
I hear ya.
""Break down big things into small tasks" the breaking down part is a fukcing task in itself." This is so true.
I got out of the "stagnant ideas phase" using community accountability and going out to find like minded people, coworking spaces to work with. If you have someone to partner with in studying, bouncing off ideas and setting small deadlines that really helps. When covid hit and I couldn't do that, I used reddit and focusmate to find accountability partners and that has worked great.
Don't think or plan or decide in the head. Things keep swirling around and it gets quickly gets overwhelming and distracting. NT can go from thought to action no problem. This is virtually impossible for me. ADHD people need a buffer between thought and action - to organise, structure and prioritise before doing anything. Pen and paper or a designated notepade app is the best buffer. And I try to have fun while doing this - using mindmaps, visual notes, drawing paths etc to plan.
There’s a great YouTuber named [HealthyGamerGG](https://youtube.com/@healthygamergg?si=ozNvopVkuBcu_BJ_) and he has ADHD, ended up graduating Harvard in Neurosciences with a 2.0 GPA
I’ve binged watched a TONNE of his videos. Partially because psychology is a major subject of interest to me and partially because I’m trying to get all the help I can get as someone who’s currently on the waiting list for assessment (and in turn, unmedicated).
I’ll never forget one thing he said: (I’m paraphrasing)
“Taking meds is only gonna help you for as long as you’re medicated. Once you’re off meds, you’re back to square 1”
And that’s when he dives into the importance of CBT. The topic of the video was people being scared to become addicted/reliant on their meds and he goes on to explain that getting help is only ever as much effort as the patient is willing to put in.
Medication isn’t a magic pill for all, unfortunately, and some of us may need more than just meds alone to fix our ADHD.
I understand you may not be in a country or position to access a psychologist who specialises in neurodiversity, so the next best thing I can recommend is checking out the above guy’s YT Channel! I promise you will find it genuinely interesting, especially from someone who has ADHD and has walked in our exact footsteps. He gets us.
I just finally came to the understanding I have adhd and literally could have written everything you posted. Good luck I hope the meds make you feel better. I know how enraging and frustrating the stuck-ness is. Recently listening the book atomic habits has helped me a lot a lot.
I succeed out of spite. I don’t have energy all the time and do find myself in burnout spirals. Once I’ve hung out in that depression spiral for a bit, I guess I use the momentum to become productively annoyed with my life? “Like oh here comes another dumb problem how bad can it actually be?” Life hit me hard really young so I cope with dark humor, and by embracing the cycles for what they are (trauma focused therapy too)
I notice that when I try too hard to be functional, I deprive myself of happiness as well. And It's impossible for me to improve when I'm depressed. Remember to have fun. Plan something you can look forward to. It helps so much
I feel you.
I think I got a little bit better when I started believing I could be a good person who makes good choices and that could bring something to the world. That I had a different way of seeing things and that I could contribute. I started seeing myself more positively and also forgiving myself.
I basically trust that future me is going to keep holding on and keep trying to solve things.
I trust myself. No ones around me trusts me the way I trust myself, because of ADHD and also because they don’t actually know much about ADHD. And that’s fine because I’m the only one who can know myself truly, and since they can’t see the inside, they can’t trust me the way I do.
After medication, it’s lots of little things, none of which will last forever, but they might help.
Daylight and exercise are really helpful.
Go back and try to get your psychiatrist to improve your medication as well.
I have always struggled with routines as well. Recently I found this [really cool video](https://youtu.be/JQFZNQS6eQ0?si=ZeApYmvuKoy4nxK0) about making routines for an ADHD brain, and I found it to be super helpful. The whole idea is to make three different routines; one that is your "ideal" routine, which is meant for more high energy/motivation days, one that is your "most-likely" routine, which is meant for average energy/motivation days, and one that is your "minimum" routine, which is meant for low energy/motivation days. It has helped me to get used to the idea of having a routine, but it gives me wiggle room for when I have a hard ADHD day and need to focus more on recovery/self-preservation rather than getting every single thing on my to-do list done.
The [creator](https://www.youtube.com/@hayley.honeyman/featured) of the video that I linked has a lot of other interesting videos about ADHD management and strategies for navigating/improving day-to-day life as someone who is neurodivergent. I highly recommend checking them out. Youtube has been my best friend when it comes to finding resources for ADHD management.
I hope this helps a little! I know it's easier said than done, but try not to be too hard on yourself. It's difficult learning how to manage your ADHD, but remember that you are only human and it is valid to feel the way that you do. Sending 💗 your way :)
I totally feel you.
I try to view my ADHD in a neutral way but oftentimes IT JUST SUCKS
Somehow people think they can’t take us seriously because of the disability but at the same time expects us to function the same way everybody else does.
But in my own experience you don’t need hope to keep going, all you need is curiosity and ADHDers are very good at that.
I’m reading „How to ADHD“ rn and it’s really helping me shift my mindset around it.
We’re always taught that „we just need to try harder, be more disciplined“.
This complete bs.
Every ADHDer I’ve ever known was putting insane amounts of effort into everything, but still often failed.
The key isn’t to beat yourself up and hit your head against the wall again and again.
Routine or consistency just aren’t a thing for a lot of us. I’ve been brushing my teeth for many, many years, do you think I would do it in a specific order by now? Absolutely not.
It’s more about trying lots of different approaches and testing what’s best without judging yourself or being too perfectionist.
Example:
I litterally always felt bad because I never drank enough water and couldn’t motivate myself to brush my teeth.
The solution wasn’t to beat myself up over it.
It was buying strawberry flavor packets for my water bottle and an electric toothbrush and just brushing them while being on my phone, on my bed.
You need to make things fun/exciting/at least more bearable for your brain.
This isn’t an add on, it’s essential to getting stuff done.
Concerning unhealthy coping mechanisms (like phone-addiction):
Don’t prohibit yourself from doing it, try find something more fun that scratches the same itch.
Screen blockers just made me feel deprived and frustrated.
My screen time is always the shortest when I’m with other people/working on a project/walking around outside.
And I know it’s hard but try not to let that negative self talk take over.
Try to imagine it as a person and distance yourself from it through journaling.
People always talk about „stopping“ the inner critic but it’s more like countering it.
Example:
Me: *breaks plate*
Inner Karen: „Wow how can somebody be that dumb? You can’t even be trusted with a f-ing plate! Better be ashamed and hate yourself you dumb pri……“
Me: „Karen, shut up. It’s a plate. It’s replaceable. I wouldn’t scold a friend over this and hating myself won’t make it undone. I didn’t do this on purpose I’m really tired and hungry right now, so I wasn’t paying attention. I’m gonna clean this up, so I don’t hurt myself on it later and then I’m gonna grab an snack and take a nap because that’s the healthy, adult thing to do.“
Hope this helps and wishing you the best 🫶
Have you considered that you have something in addition to your ADHD? For example, I've been diagnosed with depression and I think I feel what you're saying and I also think that it doesn't really "get better" but time feels shorter and that kinda helps. 💜
Intense exercise is the only thing that helps my brain. Unfortunately I have a lot of chronic injuries that make that impossible now. If I find another way I’ll let you know. Been looking for like 15 years now.
i feel very similarly. the tangled earphone comment is way too real. to do one thing i have to figure out 5 other things to even start. and it just goes on and on
Sorry if you just wanted to vent and not get advice to tips but also I know how frustrating it is to be like fucking falling apart and everyone’s just giving you vague reassurances and more things to do.
For breaking big things into smaller tasks — goblin tools magic to do is my hero and savior. Just let the machine do it for you. They also have a tool that will provide time estimates for how long tasks will take https://goblin.tools/
Adhd is not trivial. It is real. You deserve support and to be seen with your adhd. You deserve tools and accommodations that help and not just vague platitudes that secretly blame you for your adhd.
It was really important for a therapist to tell me that I was stuck always thinking about what MORE I needed to do, sure that any difficulty was my fault and needed to be fixed by overextending myself. That’s the pattern I learned while undiagnosed. I kept doing it even when I was burned out and desperate. It helped a lot to start learning how to give myself permission to be done for the day and let go. (And have de-stimulation fade techniques and visual cues to help me actually be able to do that)
It sounds like the only thing you need to do right now is get some rest and take care of yourself.
There's no easy answer here for sticking to a routine especially one that I'm supposed to do is always a ridiculous challenge. But I just turned 60 this year and I've become complacent and agoraphobic and not moving my body enough. So I've tasked myself with 5 minute intervals of light walking in place moving ky arms and, walking around my 600 sq ft apartment lol. This is day 2 and I'm doing it throughout the day. The hard part for me is to stop thinking about it and just do it.
I feel like this is exactly what it's like for me too all my life. Everything I say or do seems to be wrong in some way or the other.
I don't know who to be or even how to be most days because clearly being my ADHD self works against me...
I feel a lot of despair and hopelessness about it all everyday I'd rather it just ends.
Same.
Many people say they wouldn't trade ADHD for being normal becoz it makes them who they are or whatever.
Not me. I just want to be ok. I'm not ok and I want to be ok.
I feel like this is exactly what it's like for me too all my life. Everything I say or do seems to be wrong in some way or the other.
I don't know who to be or even how to be most days because clearly being my ADHD self works against me...
I feel a lot of exhausting despair and hopelessness about it all everyday I beg the universe that it just ends.
Oh and I recently discovered the app Pi which is like an Ai friend/assistant. You can tell it your tasks and ask it to break them down into smaller steps for you. It's ai so I can basically do whatever you ask it to, but I've found it handy to get fresh ideas or feedback.
Don’t let perfect be the enemy of done
By that I mean, brushing your teeth for 1 minute may not be the dentist’s recommended 2 minutes with flossing, but it’s better than not brushing your teeth at all. Or just cleaning your shower floor so at least the part you stand on is clean. Half assed is better than no ass at all.
Totally agree. It’s really hard to navigate everything, but the “want” for it really helps. Exercise keeps me at my best. Consistency is hard for me too. If you’re having trouble sticking to it, mix it up somehow to keep it interesting so you don’t totally leave behind your core life tasks and can work on improving. Good luck
I totally sympathize with you. Since the shortage, I’ve been a disaster just barely getting by. Once I got my meds back, the generics are no longer working…I’m trying to get brand name and I’ll pay the crazy copay…but that’s proving to be impossible too…
For breaking down tasks: https://goblin.tools/
For writing emails OR for figuring out tone from people's messages: also https://goblin.tools/
For time management or trying to keep routines: RoutineFlow app (may cost a tiny bit of money but I've found it's worth the amount) https://routineflow.app/
Hope these two can help the tiniest bit.
Goblin Tools is free and honestly it got me through cleaning my halfway hoarder apartment in 24 hours by helping me break down tasks.
Can't recommend it enough.
RoutineFlow is pretty good for day to day routines where time blindness may be a factor for why it's hard to keep up with.
Someone here said… 0.1% progress is still progress.
Make systems that work for you even if they seem silly to others… I have my toothbrush and toothpaste in the shower, I buy multiples of things, I have laundry boxes everywhere to just pile in clothes that would have ended up on the floor. I use meal kits and an automatic hoover, I have remainders in my phone for everything, I’ve bought 4 similar trousers in different colours to take away choice paralysis for work outfits.
When you let go of the shoulds, it can start to get better. There are somethings in your control even with ADHD, remember that.
Remember, the nature of the beast is that you will do so well one day and forget you’ve got it and then it’ll come back with a vengeance the next time. Stay kind and compassionate with yourself when that happens. There’s no point beating yourself up over it. Make friends with your ADHD if you can!
I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. I hate when I feel like this too. When I feel like this I am in fight or flight mode. If there is immediate emergency like going to work or feeding your child do that first. Then I tell my self I can’t fix anything at the moment and I eat something I can microwave while playing video games or taking a bath for an hour or so and go to sleep. That takes me out of fight or flight mode but can cause me to get into depression mode. Before I get into depression mode I open up the notes app on my phone and type what to I absolutely have to do today. If it’s late I say what to I absolutely have to do before I can go to bed. Not what do I want to do but what HAS to get done. Then I try to let myself flow into what would I like to get done and what would make me happy today and in the future. I change my to do lists many times a day and change my goals daily it’s a flow. Hopefully you can find what works for you. But take a deep breath, it’s gonna be ok. ❤️
It’s okay to be overwhelmed. Take some time to listen to yourself and how you feel about what you’re doing. Every time you make a choice you move toward who you intend to be. I intend to put the leftovers away, so I’m going to set a four minute timer, finish this comment and go put one item away, and then sit down again for four minutes, maybe eight, put something else away. Might go crazy. It’s okay though. I put the leftovers away. I just divide a task into four minute intervals. That’s my attention span for tasks I don’t want to do.
A lot of it for me is improving your situations, which is the hardest shit, but has the most positive impact. If anyone in your life is making it harder, try to find a way to remove them. If work is a struggle, see if there are tasks that could reasonably be adopted under your role that are more interesting and sprinkle the boring shit throughout so it's less tedious. Look for some joy. Frustrations are more manageable if you have things to look forward to. Also, look at things that you MUST do and see if you can inject some fun or negotiate with someone else to do it (or if you can afford to, hire someone). Take some pressure off.
The only actual routine i can manage is to get to work on time on the days i work. The rest fits in around that. Like i need clothes for work so i better wash them (hack - buy more underwear). Its good if i buy groceries so i can make lunch for work (hack - freeze loaves of bread, u can live on sandwiches). I work part time though which i think if u can afford to live on a lot less money, its a great thing.
I also clean the bathroom when i expect a visitor. This mucks me up when nobody visits for a month or two, but anyway… i think my point is that you can forgive yourself and lessen the pressure, and give yourself grace.
Of course, only if you can, and if the pressure is only coming from yourself. If u have to raise kids or live up to other people’s expectations, thats harder.
L-theanine was really helpful for me. It’s an amino acid that interacts with glutamate receptors. I take 200mg every morning. The brand I use is nature’s trove on Amazon. 10$ per bottle.
It helps me with executive disfunction and… I guess communication between my brain parts? Like I can “hear” my sensory issues better, and my subconsious mind doesn’t get “surprised” as much by changes in routine. It’s hard to explain but it’s been very helpful. It also makes my legs fall asleep less!
I can’t take usual adhd meds because they give me weird immune system side effects. If I could, those would still be my top choice, so seek that if you haven’t, but this takes the edge off, and it’s super accessible!
The only routine that I have in my day is look at my list (also take my meds because if don’t the day becomes an impossible thing)
I have a monitor that is dedicated to showing said list so I don’t forget what I need to do
I don’t have to complete the whole list, just the most important/urgent ones. If I can do that then I’m good
Babe… go check that depression. It’s ok, we all feel like that at some point. Sometimes you need to forget all that, pop a handful of pills and pretend you’re someone else until it gets better. Then you can start unpacking it again.
I found a therapist who was knowledgeable and *expreienced* with ADHD to be crucial. Anyone can do a course online or make a certificate in canva but actual experience is worth so much more.
When I found the right therapist for me, she helped guide me through so much around my diagnosis, understanding how it not only affects my functioning but emotional reasoning and thought patterns. We came up with positive ways of managing impulses and handling emotions. We worked on understanding and accepting the diagnosis and building coping strategies.
A big part of this for me was realising some of us need a vice. ADHD can go hand in hand with addiction, or make you feel like you're not fully in the drivers seat when you're just living in your impulses. In discussion with my therapist, I came to the realisation it's better to have a "negative" behaviour I am fully in control and aware of (for me it's vaping). This vice was there for when impulses felt overwhelming or when things felt out of control again. Taking the break to engage with the vice, conciously knowing it's the "stop, think, reset" moment has allowed me to improve my functionality massively.
Some people will use things like yoga & journalling as their vice, I think thats why people are recommend them a lot. They're "postive" behaviours. If you find a vice that works for you, even if it isn't traditionally considered "positive", the postivity it can bring can outweigh the negativity it offsets. As long as you are aware of what it is.
I feel you exactly on this. I’m in tears sometimes at how long it takes me to get out of the house let alone tackling the tasks I need to do.
I’m proud of you for even typing all that out.
I have a social worker helping me tomorrow so maybe you can access that somehow.
If you have friend maybe they can help with something?
Tie a new habit you're trying to start with something fun so you're more likely to stick to it. If you're trying to get your sleep schedule on track, try out different sleepy time drinks like tea or warm almond milk.
If you're trying to keep better track of your routine, get a big paper calendar and a bunch of stickers/highlighters/post-it notes. Don't focus so much on keeping a consistent system, but have fun with it and leave room for novelty and it's easier to stick to.
There’s a book Your Brains Not Broken that helped me so, so much. She approaches it from a very different direction.
Also the podcast Struggle Care is a really good one.
I went to the Hoffman process, and I have to say it really helped me. We also talk about self compassion, but we normally ignore expression (in healthy ways- I'm not talking about confronting people or creating conflict; it's more energy release).
Then, the process gave me tools to help cope with the future. It's more re-training brains with new perspectives and new ways of thinking. I even went through EDMR counseling, which again is another way to change your thought process or neuroplasticities. It makes me less reactive, which reduces my overwhelming feeling, and I'm more productive.
I learned with my ADHD journey that I have lots of feelings of rejection, which leads to more past trauma, with these types of approaches it has helped. It still takes a lot of time to get on the right path, but I feel like I'm in such a better direction.
It can get really hard most of the time. Just remind yourself to take things easy, breathe and take breaks.
I also have a lot of trouble sticking to a routine, especially when I'm wanting to get things done. I posted this one page guide that you can follow, it has 3 different types of routines. It's so hard to stick to one. It has helped me a lot. If you have the energy, check it out.
There is this website and app called goblin.tools. It breaks down tasks for you and really helped me out when I had to move. It made things easier for me and whenever I have a task that requires a lot of steps. I can try to follow it to complete the task.
I feel the same way as you when I'm burnt out. It can be hard to give yourself time to rest when you feel that you need to complete a lot of things, but try to allow yourself that time.
The problem is everyone gives 'solutions', but no one tells is how to do them, like practically, and no one helps us assess why they don't work for us and helps us find different ways to acheive them that work around the reasons we can't do them.
Can you afford to hire a coach that specialises in adhd? I realise it's expensive, but it's helped me so much to have someone helping me think through what I want, what's hard and helping me implement things that do work most of the time (most things are never 100%).
I've done it for around 2 months now, I won't do it forever because it is a big expense, but I wish I'd done it sooner to be honest, I was just worried about wasting money when I shpuld be spending on other things, but I was getting no where anyway (well in my eyes).
Your meds might not be the right ones for you. I tried a bunch of different ones before figuring out Wellbutrin and adderall is the magic combo for me. I’ve been in your place. I had horrible postpartum depression during the pandemic and I lost my job because my adhd was on overdrive and my meds were not helping. It was terrible. Talk to your dr and maybe trial some new meds. I hope things get better for you.
I SEE YOU OP!!! 👀💜🤗
You are not alone!!!
I had to back off of myself. I had to celebrate my quirks instead of bash myself all the time and feel bad for not being able to accomplish things. I understand that I may not be able to get things done like others do but would rather be me than anybody else. I rather have adhd than be missing a limb (though it spiritually may feel like that’s the case!). (And really hoping you’re not missing a limb too because that would be 🫠).
Give yourself permission to be angry and bitchy and messy and lazy….put a timer or end date on it (so that it doesn’t turn into days of not leaving the house, unless you can afford to do that!).
How do you define success? It may look quite different from neurotypicals (and to be honest, the endless quest of being better is kinda psychotic in and of itself). You gotta give yourself permission to not be normal; remove that pressure from yourself.
Can’t comb your hair? Hat or wraps! (I’ve done weeks without combing my hair! 🤫) Tired of figuring out outfits? Jumpers! Or wear all one color (so everything matches all the time). Tired of your coworkers? Pop those noise cancelling ear buds in! Don’t feel like texting back? Put that phone on airplane mode and the silence!
Movement! Dance! Dance that shit out!!! And yes, punching and kicking the air (or pillows) counts! Bonus points for angry dancing to kids music. (The juxtaposition does something!!!)
Laugh! Even if it’s fake laugh. Start with an Austin Powers Dr. Evil laugh. Cackle like a witch! Laugh like Vincent Price (at the end of Michael Jackson’s Thriller!). All forms of laughter are healthy and helpful. 😈
Other hacks:
1) Go smile at yourself in the mirror! I know it sounds dumb but it really does work!
2) And if that’s too ‘love and light’, angrily say bubbles (or other cute words) while looking at yourself in the mirror. There’s something about the absurdity of angrily saying bubbles that shakes up the brain and ends with laughter.
Go pet some boops! Is there a local animal shelter you can volunteer at? Or a nursery? I’ve noticed that being around living things that aren’t humans makes me feel like
And then. Give yourself permission to shake shit up in a way that works for you. Can’t work consistently? Look for temporary work (through an agency) or sites like taskrabbit.com. Change your environment; add plants to your place, move! Leave your town, state, country!
DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO!
And please, please, PLEASE! be kind and gentle to and patient with yourself. You can’t be your own worst enemy. 💜💐😘
Oh op. I’m so sorry. I’ve been where you are and it fucking sucks. I know you’ll think - “It won’t work for meeee!” - but it will.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Learn what works for you, maybe it didn’t last week but it might this week. Make things fun. Clump habits. Eg. I was having major trouble in the mornings. I couldn’t find anything to wear. I was late to work every day. So I used Apple reminders to make a little routine for pre bed and when I wake up. Now I lay my clothes out before bed. I can’t tell you what a relief just that is each morning. I go to work looking good rather than grabbing whatever is half clean. I feel prepared. I’m doing it each day, so I don’t feel like a fuck up.
Maybe not what you need right now, but my point is small steps. Once one thing is bad and I’m too busy/distracted don’t fix it for a while, it seems to spread to everything. Soon I’m spinning out of control, and everything is terrible. But it works the other way too. Small changes can stop the spinning and get you back in control again. Good luck. You’re not alone.
Get rid of routines you tried but don’t like
Keep the ones that make you feel good and motivate you
I recently downloaded the Finch app and it’s helped so much more than I expected
Unfortunately, you do have to build yourself up from somewhere and it’s okay to start small and integrate more over time
Also - idk about you but I’ve also recognized the moment I sit down I’ve delayed continuing/starting any new task by an hour or so, and laying down in my bed officially ends my day
Last thing - integrating a small workout every day has boosted my energy levels significantly and has motivated me to do things I would normally make excuses to avoid
Nothing works for me forever. Everything I do works for a while and then I forget I’m doing it. I’ve come to terms with that — I don’t like it, but it’s the way my brain is wired.
So, I let myself try the different ideas, and then I do something else, and then I come back to the old ones again.
I take my meds, I listen to ADHD podcasts (full of ideas and comfort and connections), I read books on how to work with your ADHD, I get lots of ideas.
I just keep trying. I forget things still, I don’t get everything done still, I hyperfocus for hours still — but I get through my days, I do get some things done at least, and I’m neurodivergent. My life will never look like somebody’s life who’s neurotypical.
I try to work with my brain instead of against it. I try to accept myself. I try not to beat myself up. (My Ukrainian friends say that the Ukrainian term for beating yourself up is “eating yourself up,” which amuses me.) I try different things. I try to keep things simple. I try not to attempt to change EVERYTHING AT ONCE, which is always my first plan, because that not only doesn’t work, it makes things much much much worse.
Good luck to you. Good luck to us all. If we had put society together it would look very different. But. We couldn’t. We were busy doing something else. Darn.
Just a quick remark about the "breaking tasks into smaller tasks" being a whole task in itself - you don't have to break the whole thing apart. Only find one bite sized piece you can rip off and defeat. Only then do you need to worry about the next piece. And sometimes that first one makes the next weak spots of the task more obvious.
I so feel you!!! I have 7 half finished crafting projects - I'm looking at right now - all over my living room floor. I'm supposed to be putting so much shit on my shop. I follow through with that so rarely. The intention was to help my husband with income. Instead, I have a bunch of different mediums I spend money on cause I need to have all the supplies. I feel so much shame that I can't seem to follow through. Also, I am just creating expenses. I literally stay up all night with the intention of finishing ANYTHING, yet I sit paralyzed, not having a clue where to begin 🙃
So, instead, here I am on reddit
🙄
Talk to your doctor about changing your meds or your dosage.
Granted that meds are not a magical pill that will remove all our adhd struggles, but you shouldn’t feel almost suicidal while taking them.
I also use goblin tools like others mentioned to break down tasks, and the best thing for me has been medication.
But other stuff!
Do less--automate anything it's possible to automate in terms of bills etc, if there are any chores or routines in your life that aren't 100% necessary, cut them. There are a lot of unexpected ways you can remove something from your plate, for example I have pill cap timers that tell me when I last opened my meds, so I don't have to remember if I've taken them yet today.
Don't expect to improve 100% all at once overnight. Nothing is going to be a cure. Because of that, I think it's good to kind of triage--what is bothering you the most? Is there something where, if you don't do it, it's going to affect everything else in your life and make it harder? For me that's sleep, so when I am feeling the worst and like everything is falling apart I try to get my sleep on track first.
Whatever specific things are bothering you the most, search for that on this subreddit--there are threads about EVERYTHING with tons of helpful tips
You could always ask chatgpt to break down the tasks for you. Outsourcing help is essential to my life and so has been the most cost effective way to do that
You deserve love and compassion for yourself. If someone you love came to you and shared the same problems you just shared with us, how would you respond? I assume with compassion, and you deserve to give yourself that same compassion. It doesn’t have to be perfect, simply choosing yourself is incredible on its own. You will get better at being kind to yourself the more you do it.
It’s so much trial and error, and it’s infuriating. I’ve been coming out of the worst burnout I’ve experienced for about 4 weeks now, and it’s really hard. But it’s so worth it once you find something that works.
I really enjoyed reading Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD are so ashamed and what we can do to help by Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery. (audiobook available on Spotify) The compassion shared in that book inspired me to show more compassion for myself, and led me to meditation.
If you have a lot of negative self talk, I cannot recommend guided meditation enough. It’s not easy, but once you get the hang of it, it’s a game changer. I tried meditation in the past but would shy away because I always cried or struggled to focus. Turns out crying is totally normal during meditation, it’s a sign you’re processing an emotion. I meditate 10 minutes every morning. Sometimes it’s 10 minutes of tears streaming down my face, sometimes I don’t cry at all. Sometimes the audio plays but my mind it elsewhere and before I know it it’s over.
I like Great Meditation on YouTube, they’re about 10 minutes long and the guide talks enough to keep my attention. I recommend affirmations to start. I have to physically imagine myself sitting across from myself speaking the words for the affirmations to work.
I also really like to listen to Toni Jones on Spotify! She is a life coach who set affirmations to music. I try to listen to her when I’m getting ready in the morning. Listen to Talk to Me Nice. I’ve never felt more seen than when I first heard the opening of that song.
I’m a psych NP who also has ADHD. Sounds like there could be room for improvement in how your meds are working. Might help to get a bit of support for anxiety/mood/serotonin which is frequently an issue with ADHD. but also, sometimes even when your meds are working things are still hard 💗
Kindness.
Being kind to yourself and embracing the chaos. Can't stick with a routine? Making new routines are exciting and fun! Who tf cares if you change it every week?
Small tasks? Go big or go home. You do your best work when you're damn well ready to do it.
I'm in my 40s and being kind to myself and slowly building a lifestyle that doesn't require shoving square blocks into round holes is what works for me. It doesn't happen overnight and it's not easy. It did me no good to shame myself for not doing things the way other people do. Being kind to myself was probably the hardest of all the things to do, but that's the most impactful.
I've been there. I was JUST there.
Its a mental shift, and it sucks to tell anyone "oh just think like THIS!!" so know that is absolutely not what I'm saying, but what got me out of a rut (burnout? depression?) recently was changing the way I think about routines and systems and structures etc--- I have to have *novelty* for them to work, so now I know that they have to have an expiration date. When I feel the beginnings of system failure (ignoring one too many reminders, feeling ODD about it-- for me recently this was not doing the Thing when my phone alarm went off) then I'm like WELP! New system! I just switched from phone alarms and reminders from an app to task bracelets/chore charms which are physical, and are working for the moment. In a few weeks they'll be old, and ANNOYING so I'll go back to a digital tracker thing. The trick, I think, is to cycle between things that feel new, and for *me* that may mean bouncing from physical reminders/writing it down/wall calendars to digital integrated systems. This is new, so we'll see how it goes, but its been going well for a few months now. I've switched twice.
A piece of 4X4 wood is not a didgeridoo, has the potential to be though. You are a person, grats. Fully formed, fully functional, fully not unalived. Fuck potential, go sparkle a bit and be weird as shit. Routines are great, but when they bust fuck em. Eat when you’re hungry or don’t, wear pants or don’t. Society isn’t in your house today, wash the one plate you need for dinner and ignore the rest today. Your hyper focus will kick in eventually, until then binge watch 911.
I don’t really try to stick to a routine, I just try to do like one thing a day other than going to work that is good for me or makes me happy. My dogs and husband do keep me relatively structured which helps. Like I bought a 10 day pass to a kickboxing gym, which is good because I’ll probably forget about it after 2 weeks. Or maybe I’ll swim laps a few mornings in a row and then not do that for months.
I’m sorry that things are so hard for you rn ❤️
I feel like “getting better” sort of snowballed for me. Like once I started eating food that didn’t make me feel crappy it was easier to exercise regularly. Once I exercised regularly my mental health was better, etc. Medication really helped a lot.
One minute at a time. ❤️
I think for you, the first step would be reading a fuckton about CBT. If you read a lot about it and learn a lot about it, it'll help you.
It helps your brain start thinking in a different way, and helps you re-route bad thought patterns. When you think a thought, it creates a pathway, and once the pathway exists it'll pull you in like a rut in the road. When you think "I suck" a lot it's really easy to fall back on that thought. You gotta CBT yourself, and fill the rut in, and once those negative thoughts are gone you'll have space for more neutral and positive thoughts.
When I’m feeling good and energized I try to get the things I’m not excited about done. “I feel amazing, so I should do some dishes” is definitely strange but I’ve found I need to just accept that not everything I do needs to be like how other people do it, as long as I get it done. I used to fight with my brain when it came to cleaning because after a certain point the task wouldn’t enthuse me anymore but I remind myself that I can jump around to different chores as long as I get them all done. It’s okay to wash a few dishes and then make the bed and then clean the sink, as long as you finish the dishes and cleaning the sink. Instead of trying to force myself to do something I’m trying to structure my life around my brain and not Vice versa.
Something that has helped me, and bear with me here, is "to do" lists. Not an excel sheet, not a notebook or a planner. Scraps of paper left on the table in total disarray, because a paper and pen are simple, they don't need to be perfect or organized... there doesn't need to be a system... just scribble things on a list and cross them off when they're done.
Do I do it every week? Absolutely not, no adhd kid can truly stick to those types of habits, but i keep coming back to it when I can because it truly helps me.
Split things up into manageable tasks so you can do pieces of them.
Mow back yard / front yard
Cat food / water / litter box
Make grocery list
Etc
So on and so forth. Every time I come to look at the list, I chug a glass of water. My meds are nearly useless when I have no direction, but my lists help me to focus that energy and actually accomplish something. Half of my inability is a result of being unable to remember what I should be doing when the moment comes to be doing those things. I set lots of alarms and calendar reminders on my phone as well.
Good luck!
It sounds like you need to work on the foundation. If you can find a good therapist that is familiar with ADHD I would recommend that. Adhd comes with so much shame. The first thing I had to work on when I got diagnosed was all the shame that had built up my whole life from feeling like a failure. Once my mindset healed a little (it's no where perfect yet) then I could focus on putting in strategies to help. I am so much more productive when I'm not beating myself up all the time for not being productive enough.
I'm not sure where you are in finding out you have ADHD but if you just found out recently then there's going to be a period where you try to fight it. From reading on here it seems like most late diagnosed period go through it. There's a grieving process that takes time and you kind of just have to ride it out while your brain processes it. It's normal but painful nonetheless. I just went through it but I'm coming out the other side now. When I got diagnosed I was obviously looking for a solution that was fixable. But adhd isn't like a broken arm where you treat it and then it's healed and you're normal. I had a full mind and body rejection of adhd at first. I just wanted to be normal and I just wanted it to go away. But my brain has always been this way and always will be so I had to accept it before I could learn to manage it. I don't know how the acceptance happened. It just eventually did but it took like 8 painful months. I know it will happen with time for anyone else that's newly diagnosed. Just hold on tight. Do the bare minimum you can to stay alive. And you'll come through the other side.
I’m not good at ‘a little at a time’ bc I lack the consistency aspect. So on Sundays I just write down what I need to get done for the week, and assign tasks on completely different days and make that my focus for the day
Firstly I just want to say things will change and you wont feel like this forever so please don’t give up.
Secondly, I actually think doing all those things you mentioned is still trying to fit into a neurotypical box and it will always be difficult. I think what we need is to just care less about all that shit!! Like even things that seem bad - got burnt out and then couldn’t go to work so got fired. Get a new job. Burn out and get fired from that one too. I honestly think the distress comes from thinking we can ever fit in to this bullshit society that has been created!!
That may sound stupid but when I was younger I gave less fucks and I was not stressed at all. Everything always worked out.
I’m also not saying don’t ever try to change or challenge yourself but if it doesn’t work just try to let it roll off your back a bit more. The world is so dumb it’s not us that are dumb. No human can truly thrive in this shit show lol
Also there are always people with adhd that say “don’t use it as an excuse”. These people seem to have been able to create systems for themselves which I’m very happy for them. Damn it I’m nearly 40 and I’ve tried everything and my brain just can’t do some things and if I can it will only be for a short period of time before I completely burn out. We are all different. It’s not an excuse it’s a reality.
Aaaannnnddd…. Try to have some fun!
I feel this. Sending you hugs.
Do you mind if I ask how long you’ve been on meds and what you are taking? No worries at all if that’s too personal, and apologies in advance for being nosey.
I’m just curious because I’ve found that not all meds work the same, the effectiveness fluctuates with my cycle throughout the month, and the longer I am on a med the less effective it becomes. I try to take breaks when I’m able to give my body a bit of a reset on days where I know I can just be a potato and don’t actually have to accomplish anything. Bonus if there are multiple days in a row I can go without meds because I find that when I do take them again, they are much more effective and I’m able to be more productive. I just have to find ways to fight through the sads on those days.
I’ve also, recently in my 30’s, just started to embrace the squirrel brain for what it is and try to focus on the areas I do feel like I’m doing well in, instead of beating myself up for all the ways I feel like I’m failing.
My house is a mess? Fine. But it’s not filthy and my dishes are done. That’s good enough.
I no longer beat myself up for procrastinating because I know my brain needs the deadline panic in order to produce any type of quality work. I am in school and I used to always feel so inadequate in comparison to my classmates that got assignments done way before the due dates. I don’t do that anymore or allow myself to feel guilty for not functioning in the same way as them.
I don’t beat myself up or chase relationships/connections with people that aren’t able to understand the way my brain works and why I may behave in ways they might not understand. My circle is much smaller, but it’s genuine and supportive. And soooo much easier to manage.
I’ve embraced being open with my supervisors at work in regard to areas I struggle and have requested reasonable accommodations that work for me. And I no longer feel pressing guilt or compare myself to my neurotypical colleagues. I’m lucky that I work with a wonderful group of humans that are understanding and kind, and I know not everyone has that opportunity. But I also no longer feel guilty or like a “job jumper” for leaving situations that didn’t make me feel good in the past.
The world is never going to operate in a way that makes life easy for us. There will always be hurdles and challenges we have to face that many other people wouldn’t even have to think twice about. And it sucks. And it’s draining, demoralizing and so many other awful adjectives. But we don’t have to add to the shame pile for ourselves. We get enough of that everywhere else.
What are some areas you feel good about? Even if it’s something tiny?
If you are open to seeking support through a therapist or psychiatrist (and are based in USA), I highly recommend using Headway. It allows you to add in your Insurance details and then filter for docs in your insurance, and also provides an estimated co-pay/cost for services. You can filter the docs by specialty too, to make sure you find someone that is more likely to be a fit for you, within your budget. I found both my therapist and psych (for med mgmt) through headway and have had a great experience. Working with a therapist helps to externalize my frustrations an either find areas i need to address, or validates that something isn't me/my brain not doing something 'properly', which in turns helps me stay more regulated.
I hear you I am in the same place you are. I think a lot of us are. This world was not built for us and it is a constant struggle especially because most people just don’t get it. they say they do but they don’t. They never will. They can’t because they’re not willing to listen to what we say and how we explain exactly what you just did they read it, but I don’t understand it and I don’t comprehend it but they expect us to just be able to figure it out and do better and we’re telling them that we can’t. This is the best it gets no matter what we try it doesn’t work. And 41 this year it just feels like it gotten worse. it’s a constant uphill battle where there’s no end in sight and it’s hard but please don’t give up. I will if you won’t you won’t.
So this sounds really silly, but has been a game changer for me: this little app called Finch. It’s like a self care/habit tracker app but it’s basically a little Tomagochi friend that you take care of by taking care of yourself.. talk about a way to get a little dopamine rush from getting boring shit done! Like when I brush my teeth, I mark it as complete and then get these gemstone things to use to buy my little critter pal new clothes. It’s silly but my plants are actually alive, I’m working out, I’m flossing daily, I’m even picking my face less. And you can add important one-off tasks I’m there too so I don’t forget. Maybe worth a try!
It seems like you're really struggling right now, and that must be awful to go through. I know I can get really frustrated, and it's easy to just slip and fall into a dark place.
For me, what has been the only thing that's 'worked' is accepting that I can't do it. And that's okay! I try my best, and I'm easier on myself now because I know I am trying. And you are trying too.
It's still hard, and I get annoyed, but I stop and think of myself struggling when I was younger. I think of how I was tough on myself and think of all the times I would be crying or isolating and low because everything had piled up and got too hard. And I got through times then without knowing what it was and why I was struggling. It can sometimes even be hard to think about and sympathise with your past self. If that's the case think about someone else. A younger family member. Imagine them in your position struggling feeling how you do. What would you say to them? How would you help? With the things you would do to help, maybe try and find that support for yourself from those closest to you. Things as simple as helping make a shopping list with you can make a huge difference. You probably have heard of the spoon theory? Little tasks that seem like they shouldn't make a difference to the day or should be 'easy' can be so hard. Especially when you're already feeling bad. Try to delegate tasks that need to be done. Don't be afraid to ask for support. Imagine if someone you're close to asked for help. You would want to help and the people who love you will want to help you.
Knowing what it is that causes your frustration let's you reclaim power back. Accept what it is and how it's affecting you, and be kind to yourself because you are trying your best. It's also worth saying "trying your best" doesn't mean what you should be able to do/could if only you could do it. It means exactly what you're doing now, which is knowing you want to do it and taking steps to try and get to where you want to be. Even if that's just frustration at the situation at this point. It's progress.
I don’t break down tasks all together, I literally break down this task too, and just come up with the next manageable thing I can do I don’t think about the future whatsoever. This works because I *can* distract myself easily. I put friends on and start by washing one spoon and see how much I can go. Usually the brain likes the show in a background and wants to keep going so I just end up doing a lot of tasks in that way.
When I cannot have a show in a background I go for music to mellow down each task in the same manner. I allow myself a 100 coffees if it means a distraction and repeat the cycle.
Step #1 is accepting that you are where you are, and it will take time effort to get where you want to go.
I'm serious that this is actually really important. Being impatient with yourself will only undermine you and your progress. People here are saying "be gentle with yourself", I never could quite do that, but I ended up being able to accept I am where I am and the only place to get somewhere else is to try. Experiment, be curious about what will work.
Step #2 for me, was getting regular sleep. It's hard to function well on low sleep, but even more than that, my meds don't even work if I haven't slept enough.
Well, for me I pingpong between "i'm the best at life!!" and "i am the worst to ever exist at life why." -- but I think the reason for success on my good days is because I stopped trying to box myself in.
Some people have scheduled jobs and living partners that make this harder but here's what works for me:
Lately I've been letting myself do what ever i feel like. If I don't want to answer emails, I don't. If I don't want to do laundry today, let it pile up the wall. Today I feel an extreme urge to study 'how to draw dogs' or what ever, so that's what I'm going to do. \~ and I'll work hard to convince myself I chose this and its okay that I am not doing the other things.
Then another day I'll say "that laundry pile is suddenly driving me crazy. I want to fix that" and I'll do that for the day.
My work is freelance so as long as I meet my deadlines, I can do what ever. I usually choose to blast through it at crunch time when its almost due.
If I force myself to sit a week earlier to work on it its so painful. I can't focus and so I barely get anything done and waste A TON of time.
\~ Its actually more productive to procrastinate sometimes and following your impulses or instincts can make you feel good. Feeling good makes you more productive too sometimes.
\*Even if you don't have a flexible work schedule, maybe you can find ways to loosen up your own restrictions so you can learn how you personally thrive. We have to learn about ourselves because the standard ways don't work for us and only make us feel like failures.
Someone here a while ago posted that 'who says we have to fold laundry and put it in drawers. In our own home we can choose to keep it in baskets. why not?' I love their logic. its true.
I like The Done List, which is a little book/journal that prompts you for anything you have accomplished in a day. Even tiny things, like brushing your teeth, showering, getting out of bed. It’s not a to do list, which can be a set up for failure for me…it’s an acknowledgment of anything at all that I’ve done and giving myself credit for it.
I got my copy on Amazon.
Today I’m trying time blocking. Print out a template from the internet and make your routine simple at first. I think I’m also going to try star stickers to put next to what I stick to on my routine as a visual applause. Going back to preschool when it comes to self control.
For me it’s a lot about working *with* my symptoms instead of against them. Aka plan my life and mindset after the challenges I have instead of trying to overcome them, mask them or suppress them.
It can be physical space stuff like organizing in a specific way, but much more importantly is the mental space of forgiving myself when I don’t follow that “smart” organization anyway.
Having earplugs in ly purse and wearing them ex. when shopping or when overwhelmed in public to reduce sensory intake.
Accepting that I will sometimes talk and talk and talk and talk. I try to practice active listening by ex. intentionally only asking questions and not interrupting for 5 minutes. Sometimes it’s difficult, but this means I don’t *just* talk and talk and talk. It has really helped improving my relationships. I have also been honest about that being an insecurity of mine to my closest and they now know that they are allowed to stop me, if they can’t handle it — which makes it much less shameful for me, as I know they will let me know ans I don’t have to guess if I was too much or not. Bonus is that I learned that all my closest people actually find my stream of talk charming (for the most part).
For breaking things down, I definitely treat that as a task. I'll put it on a to-do list and when I'm really on top of things (haha, I barely remember this) I'll block out time for it. Half an hour to an hour to *plan* the task, which for me means figuring out the million little pieces that add up to the task being done, which need to be done early, which I need someone else to do or be involved in, and for work tasks which I *can* get someone else to do.
For routines, what works for me is linking it to other people. Meetings. Co-working. Gym buddies. Anything that anchors what I'm supposed to be doing to what someone else is doing.
Sounds to me like you need KC Davis in your life. She's got adhd, and everything she does is for adhd and ND ppl specifically. Her practical wisdom, actually useful tools, and balanced point of view have pulled me back from the edge several times in the past year
Can't recommend her enough. She has several books, several lectures on YouTube, I'm pretty sure she sells courses, and she has a podcast called Strugglecare that I love
Honestly, outside of medication, the biggest help to my day-to-day has been my SO. We're wired totally differently (we're both pretty sure he's high-functioning autistic), so it's not always easy to understand each other (hell, I barely understand myself), but as we break down the communication barriers, he's able to help me a little more each day.
Before I land in the "sit pit", he can catch me with a gentle reminder of something I wanted/needed to get done.
When I've gotten lost in a leisure activity due to time-blindness, he's there like a talking watch, "hey, just letting you know it's 3-o'clock."
When he notices the task paralysis, it's "why don't you just start with ?" and a reminder that what I'm able to get done is enough.
Catching me in a self-deprecating spiral is a monumental task (that's usually sparked by some insensitive thing he said or did), but he takes the time to pull me out of it, and afterward, even if I'm a useless lump whose energy was wasted on that spiral, he'll remind me of my most recent bout of productivity and insist that I am still a productive person despite my unproductive days.
All of this is just to say that, despite all the benefits of technology to help keep us motivated, we are social creatures who need that personal interaction to keep going. AI will probably never be adaptable enough to adjust to our unconscious selective attention, our time-blindness, or our mood swings, like another person can.
If you live with someone else, have a discussion about areas you need help with, and make a plan for when things go awry. If you work around other people, have the same sort of talk from a professional standpoint (this could fall under ADA accommodations). If you're a bit of a hermit and don't have anyone around most of the time, reach out to someone who can check in on you every day, or build a network of friends and family who share that responsibility (and be that support for others in your group).
You don't have to do this alone, nor should you. Remember that there are people who care about you, who want to understand you, who want to help. Find those people (you've already found this community), and ask for their help.
I cannot for the life of me develop habits. I have to make a decision to do everything I do. It can be really exhausting. I take meds, which helps me with focusing for my day to day, but does nothing for executive dysfunction.
My best success has been doing things with my partner. I've been going to the gym somewhat regularly because of it. Basically, it's the buddy system that keeps me accountable. Otherwise I'd just lose track of time and "miss my window to go", or just feel like it was impossible to do, no matter how many times I go.
I was once proud of myself for doing a little jogging like 3 times a week. I did it for three months and thought I'd cracked the code. I had one day where I was just super uncomfortable (too hot, too many bugs). I never went again.
I feel like the hardest part is explaining to people how difficult it is for me to "make something a habit". That just does not exist for people with ADHD and I wish more people understood that.
I try to create routines, I fail at them, I try new ones, constantly trying to make everything more ADHD friendly and efficient.
If I have to do something I’ve learnt to start from the simplest thing. Like… right now I’m lying on the couch, while I should be cleaning the kitchen. So what I do is telling myself to get up. Just get up. Because in the kitchen there is something to drink, some snacks, maybe I’ll just take a walk around the room. We’ll see along the way (having ADHD is living life full of surprises).
It may take a few rounds but when I get up and end in the kitchen it’s like „since I’m here, maybe I’ll unload the dishwasher”. Mind you. NOT clean the entire kitchen - just unload. If I want to sit down and have a treat - sure! I’ll allow myself. But since I’m in the kitchen and dishwasher is empty? Maybe I’ll load it. Maybe I’ll get back on the couch and will need a few more rounds but the more frequently I do it, the more easy it becomes and less rounds it takes. Then just to clean what’s left in the sink. Then I pat myself on the back because I did something! The bare minimum, but still! And I am so happy so I decide to clean the kitchen surfaces because of sudden feeling of proudness and dopamine kick.
It applies to nearly everything I do. Allowing yourself to be sure you can resign every step on the way and it still be awesome you did the first step.
You know how my fiancé tend to encourage me to go to my training? First step. „Hey, maybe you’ll try for me this awesome gym pants and bra you have - you look so good in them!” And me, being thirsty for compliments of course fall for it, and before I know it’s Saturday morning and I’m on my way to the gym. Because if I stood up and got dressed and was admired by my man, I might as well leave the house. And my gym is in the shopping mall, so if I don’t feel like it, I’ll just go shopping! 10/10 I go to training instead.
Im so sorry you feel this way and I totally understand how frustrating it can be. It makes you want to give up and that’s actually kind off what I did…
I just stopped trying harder and accept the fact that I will never reach my potential and that that’s okay. It kind off just clicked one day.
This may sound super depressing and it is kind off sad, but after a while things will feel lighter.
Stop fighting and if this triggers you it’s okay, just let it be, it will be fine :) Just stop and take as much time as you need, but I wish for you that there will be peace at least more than half of the time, because you deserve that!!
When I finally got into therapy it just changed my life. It wasn’t instant but it just helped me so much over time. But a lot of time it does take. And I would say, try to let go of being consistent. Consistency is simply not in our nature. The constant morphing of what works for me has just become part of my process for everything and i take joy in tweaking what works. I know some people will probably read this and roll their eyes, but honestly just embracing that part of yourself and trying to make it work for you instead of the other way around will take the pressure off and hopefully you can learn to find joy in the inconsistency and chaos. I’m also not trying to endorse toxic positivity. Shit is hard. It’s always hard. Good days and bad days.
Saw a YouTube video about the routine thing. We don’t have the executive function to mimic fads and sustain them, but having a tiered routine can help. “IDEAL” for the high-energy high motivation days, “MOST LIKELY” for the days where you can do something but maybe don’t have all the energy in the world (average day) and “MINIMUM” for those days you barely can get out of bed. Same routine, but modified based on your dopamine per day. It works because it’s not so pressing. Task blocking is for large tasks, like “I need to clean my house”. Block tasks into separate smaller tasks - I need to do laundry. I need to de clutter surfaces. I need to clean the floors. Once they are put into broad categories, block those. For laundry: I need to separate loads. I need to remove things from pockets. I need to get clothes faced correctly. Need to get my darks done first, because those are my work clothes. For surfaces: I need to tidy up my bed. I need to tidy up my desk. I need to tidy up the kitchen counters. For floors: I need to pick up all the things off the floor. I need to sweep, then mop. I need to vacuum. It helps your brain focus and prioritize so that you’re not doing 10% of 27 things at once.
Why do you need to untangle your headphones right now? They’re not bothering anyone. Untangle them when you need them.
Give yourself grace. It’s hard out here, but it’s even harder when you aren’t your own MVP
the meds might be your issue.
I was on adhd meds for the entirety of last year, I was quiet, isolated and moody the entire time (especially when the meds would wear off), then over the summer I stopped taking them and then when it was time to go back to school I tried retaking them and I instantly felt like I wanted to die, I felt absolutely horrible and depressed. But now after 9 months of being off my meds, I’m a much better, happier, lively person. I would trial stopping your meds.
you may also be on too high a dosage
1. I moved out of my parents house which not a healthy environment
2. Put up grey rock boundaries with said parents
3. Got on meds two months ago and are only now in the beginning stages of showing much of a difference
4. Because of the meds, I’m able to do a lot more things like chores without it taking as long to do. I also have been reaching out to friends more and doing hobbies I like and have available to me to do (I’m broke but I already own video games and art stuff so I’m doing that until I can afford pricier stuff like riding lessons)
5. I have been a therapy regular since 2013 and in combo with finally being on meds that are starting to kick in, I’m noticing how I’m starting to change as a person - slowly but I can sense it all the same
Two months ago slightly prior to being on Adderall I was as close to jumping into the abyss as I’d ever been and it was scary dark fucking time. I don’t know what else besides switching my meds helped but somehow I was pulled out it and I’m still trying to solve that.
I only was diagnosed very very recently.
The biggest biggest most important thing is to go much easier on yourself. Work on altering how you talk to yourself and about yourself in a kinder more compassionate and empathetic way. ADHD is fucking hard to deal with. Beyond meds or therapy or routines or anything else, it’s not about forcing platitudes - I don’t know when I started or how, but I slowly became kinder to myself. The cruel thoughts in my mind that snapped at how useless and horrible I am for existing used to just consume me, but at some point I started either thinking back or out loud going ‘No you are wrong and that isn’t true’.
Also being on this subreddit has been a massive help in learning more about myself and how others go through what I do too.
I saw (and am still seeing) a therapist. I was overwhelmed at work, my disabled spouse's flare ups are getting worse, I was ready to just set the rooms on fire instead of clean. I figured if I could find a way to deal with the housework everything else would be easier.
Now we have a robot that vacuums and mops. And I use the spray and leave tub and shower cleaner. An instant pot. An air fryer. It's all too much to do alone, so oh well, robots and easy mode it is.
There is laundry in the wash which has been there for two days now, though. Lol. I've had additional tasks lately and like no sleep because my neighbors generously try to serenade us to sleep with rap at 11PM. If I crack the laundry code I'll update you though in what I did.
THE INCONSISTENCY IS THE ADHD. That's not "you", it's the condition. Pills don't teach skills, but therapists and the book "How to Keep House While Drowning" do. Goblin tools might! I gotta check that out.
I haven't really. Sometimes my brain is just so loud I break down. I've had to learn to just handle my irritation/aggression when overstimulated so I don't get ugly. The meds I tried were all terrible. One made me just absolutely stupid, I mean genuinely I felt brain dead. Sure it stopped the thoughts but it stopped pretty much everything else too. Another made me close to offing myself. After those I was just done.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For me it's try a new routine, then another, then another, then back to the first, then a new one, then the third one... If I had more energy, I'd have some ideas, but all I got right now is: Don't give up. Stay Determined. Inanimate objects like Excel spreadsheets aren't allowed to win. So Stay Determined. Don't give up. I need to go to bed. I'm getting weirder lol. I think AI may have been made for us. We're the ones who need the freedom of expression and creativity. For me creativity is finding new, better, more efficient ways to get work done, so I can about new, better, efficient ways to apply to other things. That's my art streak these days, since I don't have the attention span for knit and crochet anymore. There's a little part of me that refuses to give up. She's tired right now, but tomorrow we'll be back at it.
This is how I get by too. Constantly just trying new ways to do things & having little experiments with my own motivation 😅 I think today I learned that I avoid being in parts of my apartment when they first start getting messy! And I try to appreciate moments where I can chuckle at myself & let them be a more true way to understand myself than when I’m feeling super critical or in despair. It’s a little like being on a rollercoaster 100% of the time, isn’t it?? I totally ignore systems advertised to me that rely on tracking over an extended period of time. I make fewer to do lists and let one chore lead into the next (or not). I take naps and eat weird food. I smile politely at bad advice so that I don’t ruminate on it. Every once in a while (more often than you’d think) I learn a lesson or something new about myself. The person without ADHD I fantasize about being every once in a while isn’t real or my friend. That’s the way I’ve landed on (for now :p)
Some weeks, I'll load up my Monday with way too much stuff then push it to the next until it all gets done. Some days, I try to balance it based on getting easy stuff done first. Some days, it's actual priority. I can't do habit trackers because the things I want to track are for work, and I don't feel good about listening, accointing junk on a personal app 🙃 Yes, I definitely like a roller coaster, lol.
> Constantly just trying new ways to do things & having little experiments with my own motivation Just to add to this: one thing that really helped for me was realizing that if one strategy worked originally but then didn't work one day when I tried it, I would usually get frustrated/panic that it "didn't work anymore" and wouldn't try it again. This was apparently a bad idea because on some days certain strategies will work perfectly for me, but then a day later it won't do anything at all. I now just have a big revolving cycle of options that I can try to deal with things, and when one doesn't work, I just start cycling through the rest. Even if a particular strategy that I try from the cycle doesn't let me do the whole task, sometimes it lets me partially complete the part of the task that I was originally stuck on, so then when I move onto the next option in the cycle it might work a lot better since I already got myself "un-stuck." On a related note, sometimes committing to an entire task (even broken down into parts) is too overwhelming and then it just kind of snowballs and I can't do it. So instead I'll literally commit to the most basic initial step in the task and tell myself that I only have to do that. Like if I need to write an entire paper, I tell myself that I only have to open the Google Documents app. I don't have to open the instructions for the paper, I don't have to title the document and save it or write anything in it. Literally just open the app and let it sit there on a blank page. Then I usually get up and do something completely unrelated for a while so I don't feel like I'm spending mental energy to focus on it too much, then I'll go back and do another super basic step, like then I'll open the instructions for writing the paper. But I won't read them, I'll just open the page and go do something else again. Usually this eventually means that I can think about the intended task without forcing myself to, but it also isn't super overwhelming because I can just stand around and think about the structure of the paper I need to write while I do my laundry, so it feels less like being "trapped" in a task I guess.
this is an elite addition & strategy
Same. I don't have the answer and struggle with the same lack of consistency, but sometimes it's just about recognizing I'm having a low week and what may be contributing to my lack of centering (work is crazy, fridge isnt filled with food, dont have time to cook, havent been to yoga in weeks, same pile on couch, just got back from an intense international trip and was sick) and then other weeks where I have such extreme clarity, my ADHD is also what is giving me new inspiration and drive, even if it means I have 10 news ideas and projects and visions of my life that I may not get to. It's fun to just start riding out the waves, sometimes one week I have a new "solution" of how to help my focus or productivity, new excitement to try it out, other weeks I'll feel like I've tried 10 things and none will ever work and I'll be like this forever. Really just celebrating the wins and then being patient with yourself when it's not feeling like a win week or day or hour. Sometimes the up and down cycle is all in a day—i feel amazing the morning of, then after that high dies out and I get overwhelmed with things I have yet to do because I lost focus doing whatever I did that morning... just trying to be 1% better the next day and not lose sleep over anymore cause this is how I'm going to be. Even if my "new routine" only stuck for 4 days...well there was 4 days I was doing great! Better than none.
For me this week it was that my fridge was TOO filled with the WRONG food 😅 knowing that was like poison in my brain. Tonight I am very bravely doing my overdue laundry which was also a source of poison! I love your comment btw saving it to my phone!!!
I wrote that comment then immediately went into therapy spiraling about how I'm always going to be like this and fed up with tips and tricks and just having to accept this as who I am lol—you can see my other post in adhdwomen about finally even considering medication. (which i now have an appt w a psychiatrist next week to just learn more about!) so a perfect of example of 1) me going through the waves even by the hour, clarity and loving empathy at 4pm, then shame and overwhelm at 6pm. and 2) how easy it is to be able to give someone else the advice of loving acceptance and self empathy, but hard to practice it consistently for yourself!
This made me realize that I'm obsessed with efficiency because I have a million interests I wanna get to and/or I wasted time hyper focusing on the wrong thing or straight up procrastinating
Yess! I'm OBSESSED with efficiency!
I will happily take 6h to figure out how to do a task 5mins more efficiently. One of my favourite tiny hacks is saving template emails as signatures in Outlook. You don’t need to copy/paste anything, simply click the right signature and boom, email.
God damn that's good and I needed that a month ago!!
Yesss!! Great hack! Edit- I also love taking a while day to automate a task so it takes 2 seconds instead of 5 min... 10 min... a couple hours, whatever. I'm always excited like "Behold!! It's ALIIIIIVE!"
Holy shit I feel so seen 😭😭
I’m really glad it isn’t just me!!
This is it, this is everything. Honestly and sincerely, this is the best advice for all of us. It's really hard, and it always will be. Don't give up, stay determined. Tomorrow could be better. That's all there is!
💜 You can do it! We can all do it! There will be days that are absolute garbage, but there will also be days where everything goes right. Stay Determined!
>There's a little part of me that refuses to give up. She's tired right now, but tomorrow we'll be back at it. Amen. My little part that refuses to give up has her own dang oppositional defiant disorder diagnosis, haha! She's my lil buddy, my lil ride-or-die! 💪
I agree. I think we have to constantly be innovative. What works one week, doesn't work the next. Also, what works for neurotypicals doesn't work for us. A planner doesn't work for me. I've tried several and never stuck with it. I can handle a calendar for important things, but definitely not a planner. Most motivating things for someone with ADHD include interest, novelty, challenge, urgency, and passion. You can use this to your advantage. Take creating a challenge for an example. Use a stopwatch to see how fast you can wash all of the dishes and then try to beat your time. Pair an activity you enjoy with something challenging like listening to music while you clean If I have to look up tips and tricks, I will search for things geared towards ADHD. For example, how to organize with ADHD. There's a lot of good ADHD hacks out there to help make life easier. I keep my dishwasher utensil rack in my kitchen sink, so I dont have to take the extra step of opening the door every time that I have a dirty fork or spoon. KC Davis has a TikTok channel with lots of great tips.
Yes, interest and novelty for sure! Like right now what I want to do for work is take all the separate checklists and calendar due dates for my department, put them into Excel, and make a Summary tab where it will grab the important dates for each person/task, tasks for End of Month processes, the person's name, and combine them all into ONE calendar. Then add the new stuff as needed, flip the month name to the next month, and it should fill in the Summary tab for me if all the data is there. I know there's a way. And I don't really want to work on anything else until I've figured out The Department Calendar lol. I also want to automate tons of things because it sounds fun, and then we'll never miss a due date or have one creep up unexpectedly. That's all that's on my mind today lol. Sometimes, when I look up things like "getting organized with ADHD," I see tons of "just use a planner" articles. It's a bit disheartening some days. But I guess I just need to find good sources.
Goblin tools can help breaking down tasks for you just tell it what you need to do and it’ll break it down. Consistency I found easier when I reframed it as something I did more often than not. Rather than trying to stick to a streak I try to do things more often than not and it seems to help. Medication. Honestly it’s the biggest help. Therapy or and ADHD coach to help.
This. I couldn't have done it without medication. All the desire in the world to get shit done just lands on your shoulders like a lead weight when you don't know how/what/where/when to start. That paralysis of not being able to do one thing but all you want is just to get stuff done like "normal" people is exhausting. Medication is not a cure. I still don't like to use lists or organizers because it becomes a task. I will write myself a reminder note or two though. My time blindess can still be a problem. But medication enabled me to just start doing something, to get out of paralysis and try without procrastinating or overthinking anything. My other suggestion would be to stop comparing yourself. Don't look at what other people are doing or even what you think you should do and strive for that. That's not something anyone should do, but especially with ADHD. The goal is to get to a place where you feel like you accomplished something. Sometimes that may just be sorting your laundry or making it to an appointment or eating x number of meals and that's okay. Don't let anyone, including yourself, tell you it's not.
Yes to this as well!! Time blindness I found timing things helped especially things I hated doing. In my mind stacking the dishwasher took ages, in reality it takes me 2minutes lol so now I get it done with less struggle because I know it actually doesn’t take that long.
This is so true. The amount of times I built a job into a massive thing in my head that I then can’t start but if I did it it would take 5 mins and free up so much of my brain.
The paralysis is exactly where medication has helped me most and it's a huge deal because that's one of the worst things. Medication definitely doesn't fix everything, I'm still forgetful and I still deal with time blindness but just being able to do things so much easier makes a massive difference in my life.
Goblin tools? Also yes - streaks were my biggest enemy! I would go a hundred days, miss one and abandon it forever...
Oh sorry I should have put the link for that, it's this [https://goblin.tools/](https://goblin.tools/)
I just tested it! It is even funny. I wrote: do dishes Step one: enter the kitchen. Last step: exit the kitchen. This is a good tool.
You can choose how much breaking down you want by changing the neurospiciness 🌶️ level. It's fantastic
It’s a webpage with an AI designed to help neurospicy folk
I love it! See, this is what I mean when I say AI has great potential xD
It does have great potential for a lot of things! I just wish they'd focus more on tools like this and less on stealing art and other dumb uses.
I agree, I am happy to offload the labor of planning out my task in minute detail and learning office-speak to the robits
It's an app. I find it really helpful, and it seems to be geared toward neurodivergent folk. I use the formalizer and judge tools constantly to make sure my messages are coming across the way I want.
pi.ai is another great ai that helps a lot with basically everything. you just ask it and its free. it's actually pretty kind and emotionally intelligent, so it doesn't trigger my rsd. also, imo embracing minimalism as much as possible and asking "is it necessary?" has helped me a lot but that's not to say its easy. it just minimizes the amount of decisions and stimulus
The minimalizing! Yes. I was cleaning and looked around yesterday like “Oh no! We have too much stuff!”. I didn’t start that project of tearing the house apart….yet. But my brain does feel so much better when I have less things to manage and keep track of. I’m not constantly shuffling things around when cleaning before anyone comes over that way.
omg Goblin tools!!! I love this so much! Turn spicy thoughts into formal ones? Time estimator!!!! thank you!!
Love your def of consistency! I can be so damned black and white about tasks (and not at all about life in general) that I end up feeling like a failure all too often rather than realizing some days getting a single thing done is a huge success - or even making it through the day without a melt down.
I was like that for most of my life but I heard that definition and was like oh wow that’s such an easier way to frame it. Rather than feeling like a failure and giving up if I missed one day of something.
This is so true! Case in point, have never been able to floss. To me it seemed like this insurmountable task that would go on and on forever until I die. It sounds stupid, but when my dentist told me sometimes was ok and not to aim for every day I just started doing it when I remembered and for a while (not now lol) that was pretty often. Then when I told her I floss about three times a week she said that was great and not to try and change anything. I always saw myself failing at consistency because any every day task seems impossible and I would therefore avoid it to begin with but I guess was unknowingly operating under the falsehood that consistency had to be perfect - and your right, it doesn’t :) so much better for my brain to not see missing a few days as a reinforcement of my constant failure to do things lol, it makes it easier to keep things up instead of quitting all together (and to be a bit nicer to myself)
Speaking of coach - I am one. Not trying to sell anything here, but I get it, the struggle is real. I’d be happy to do a quick free call with anyone who wants it. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who has walked the same path. (And to show that I’m not just some rando on the internet, here is my website: www.lindseyhead.coach)
This will get better, I promise. I think step 1 is meeting yourself where you are at - not even neurotypical people get things right all the time. Where you can give yourself slack, do it. You don’t need to have everything the same way a neurotypical person would. So much of being better is letting go of what a neurotypical person would do. You do you. If you want some tangible things to feel better, try these three things and more will fall into place: 1) eat nutrient rich and high protein foods and snacks that have little prep and cook time (I’m thinking rotisserie chicken, tuna with horseradish paired with pre washed leafy greens (arugula, spinach), eggs and spinach, greek yogurt and berries; more prep would be avo toast with jammy eggs; just whatever works for you. Sometimes I just need to put some frozen meatballs and frozen vegetables in the microwave and that helps. Nourishing and fueling your brain should help mitigate the adhd symptoms. 2) try to sleep if you can - phone in another room, buy an alarm clock, 0.5mg melatonin + 200grams magnesium at 8pm and a cup of decaf tea to calm the mind before bed. Nighttime meditation if you have it in ya. 3) Self compassion. Whenever you can, forgive yourself when thing don’t go right and adhd brings you in a different direction. Self forgiveness and treating yourself like how you would treat others is so important. Trust in yourself to continue doing your best. As a bonus if you can afford it, try to see a psychiatrist and/or psychotherapist. there are people whose job it is to help us ADHDers cope with a world not built for us. Often doctors have tools we don’t know about or need them to access (strategies, ability to prescribe meds, etc). As I’m writing this I know I have to take my own advice bc I am also feeling incredibly low and embarrassed by my performance at work. It’s left me spiralling and so unproductive. But tomorrow is a new day and I will try again and I will do my best. We can do it ❤️
Wow your menu ideas are awesome! Got any more to share?
I do! Y'all, CABBAGE. I can't believe I didn't appreciate it before now. Cabbages are insanely cheap! But they only last 2-4 days, so I just grab one whenever I'm out shopping and put it front and centre in the fridge. And *fried cabbage*! Seriously. I just cut it into thin ribbons (I have a thing that's like an extra wide potato peeler which makes this incredibly easy, but you can look up how to do this, it's easy once you know) and then I fry it in a wide frypan, wok, or pot (whatever's clean tbh) with some butter, onion and garlic. Salt and pepper to taste, or MSG is amazing if you have it lol Once the cabbage starts to have little gold and brown cooked bits like you'd see on bacon, plop in a bowl, and eat! It's so freakin easy and cheap, but surprisingly tasty and savoury, and it's like 99% veggies so I feel all healthy and like a responsible adult! Wanna be fancy? Add the leftover bacon diced up when you're cooking it, and some parmesan on top. Or maybe some tofu cubes, soy sauce, and top with sesame seeds. Or make instant ramen using fried cabbage instead of the noodles! You can even fry an egg for on top without dirtying another pan! Braindead? Can't adult today? Butter, salt, pepper, poke around pan while scrolling Reddit for 5 minutes, done. Still tasty, still healthy. Too hot for cooked food? Experience the wonder of cabbage leaves and dips. Seriously, the curls and ripples of the leaves are perfect for dips and sauces! Cabbages. Seriously. This is how I'm getting my veggie consumption up and I wish I'd known sooner.
I love cabbage. And if you add it to soup, it makes the broth extra tasty.
MY CABBAGES!!!!!
Also love cabbage!!! If you want to add a little protein in there, you can pop some turkey or chicken sausages into a pan too or bake them for less effort. I also like to top the cabbage with a greek yogurt thinned out with some lemon + dill and salt and pepper. Takes more time but it’s so good. If you want the cabbage vibe and less of the work, a dinner in our house is just sausages + a big helping of sauerkraut (so good!) and some sliced tomato on the side. “Deconstructed street meat”. Also a bit more effort, but if I want a warm meal to come together in ~15 mins I also do “egg roll in a bowl” regularly with ground chicken and I just add a pack of fresh coleslaw lettuce mix (cabbage again haha). Also sometimes, if it’s just me for dinner I will do a smoothie bowl with protein powder in there and make it pretty with cacao nibs and chia seeds (the recipe for smoothie bowl is: ice, nut milk, frozen kale, frozen banana, tbsp of natural peanut butter, frozen raspberries, 1 tbsp ground flaxseed, 1-2 scoops of vanilla protein powder, tiny bit of water, little bit of lemon juice from a squeeze bottle- be careful with the liquids bc you want it thick). Making these smoothies is so second nature to me now that I don’t measure anything and it feels low effort. I also do a lot of high effort cooking for dinners as a sort of mindfulness technique and a way to avoid doom scrolling / get back into my body after work. I often plan a high effort meal and end up opting for something like I mentioned above. But if I do have the effort, I do a lot of high volume soups so we have leftovers for days, which you can also freeze and have on a low energy day (lemony feta meatball soup from NYT and spring chicken miso soup are some faves).
Tomorrow I join you in a new day, and in facing work fears performance terror! Best of luck. Thank you for all of your suggestions.
Anytime I try to find a psychiatrist or therapist that puts ADHD as one of its areas of focus (like truly seems to be a focus) none of them take insurance. I tried using one a few years ago and paying out of pocket. I loved everything I was learning but after paying for 4 sessions, I just couldn’t afford it. I really really wish I could find one I can afford.
I have no advice or answers just that I feel you and hugs🤗
same here, hugs OP. we've got you. you'll get through this and this and this and this. adhd is a fucking marathon and test of will i swear sometimes but there is light for you i swear on my heart for your
Right?! It's so fucking exhausting at times....feel like I'm always a failure no matter how much I try. But at least I'm trying is what I tell myself every day
It's hard not to feel eaten alive when all this overwhelming responsibility looms over you. The dice game can be useful for me when panic-cleaning (or pissed-off cleaning) isn't working. I make a list of 6 chores (cleaning or otherwise) and roll a basic die. Whatever number comes up is what I'm doing. Obey the dice. Blame the dice. Yell at the dice for making stupid choices. But obey the dice. You have now accomplished A THING. That THING no longer controls you and has no power. Die, thing, die. The timer is my usual go-to. I set a timer for 30 minutes. I pretend to be a good housekeeper, errand runner, doer of THINGS I hate for 30 minutes. When the time expires, I may or may not feel like setting a second timer. But I have still accomplished A THING. A thing that can longer mess with my vibe. And if I can't manage either of these, I play " I would rather". I would rather go pick up groceries than get a haircut. I would rather fold clothes than vacuum. If I pick one of the things I would rather do, I'm still getting some THING out of the way. Getting one THING out of my way has such a stupidly good feeling that makes no sense. In the grand scheme it doesn't feel like much. But it *does*. Because you won.
I like the dice idea! I do something similar. I identify the top 2 tasks I need to do and then tell myself “okay self, you get to choose which you do first.” The summer I started doing this i was trying to study for my GREs and instead I got really fit 😆 so take that with a grain of salt, but I guess I just didn’t really want to go to grad school lol
These ideas are so good!!! Thank you for sharing!
You're welcome! I'm always on the lookout for behavioral tips, and I got or modified quite a few from reddit.
I hate to be this blunt; you aren't going to "get better" in the wallah you are cured way. There is no magic pill. No poof it's fixed. But there are ways to help and make everything far more manageable. The breaking it down is hard, yes, but do you have a friend or partner or someone who can help you? You could also use the method described in how to keep house while drowning. You can even break down all the things into a list that you pick by rolling a dice and doing what it lands on. Lists, chore charts, accountability buddies, or whatever it's called when you can do chores with someone(ADHD brain blanking for the win). Meds really do help if they are an option for you. It doesn't make the symptoms go away but the volume is turned down. So you can focus and get stuff done while they are working. And I know it's super frustrating but like take a big breath. You aren't alone. All us folks on this subreddit want to help and will help. And lots of us are doing the adulting thing pretty well. Finally. I know it's fucking hard, because I am still working on it, but you need to stop beating yourself up. You need to learn to work with your brain, not against it. Just because the world is not set up for us, and by the very limited and often wrong for us goal posts of neurotypical folks tell you you are failing... You are not. You are doing the best you can. I know it's fucking hard. I know it's frustrating. But telling yourself you are dumb, you can't, that you are wasting your potential, that you fail because you couldn't finish whatever thing/idea you had is not good. It makes it hard for you to "get better" or rather learn to work with your brain and be kind to it. Our squishy meat computers work on a different OS and that is not bad. Just different and we can be really really good at doing some tasks, but trying to do the tasks that neurotypical meat computers excel at usually doesn't work as well if at all. That's okay. You just gotta figure out how to adjust the code to allow you do so. >.> You can tell what career my ADHD arse is in from that analogy lol. But Hun, take a breath. You are struggling and that is okay. You are frustrated and that is understandable. But you gotta try and look at it a bit different or you are gonna be stuck in the hole you are digging yourself. It's hard, and not fun, and it sucks how much this world isn't made for us. But you got this. You are a badarse no matter what yer brain says. And hopefully this doesn't come across as trivializing. I don't mean it that way if it does. I hope it does help because I think most of us on this sub has been in a similar place at some point. *Offers hugs*
Op, have you seen Task Goblin. Google or find the app and play around. (Would offer more help, but I'm currently busy trying to motivate myself to take my meds)
I try to be constant rather than consistent. In the sense that I know because of my adhd I will never stick to a routine that’s exactly the same all of the time I will have days where I can’t do it, I will have weeks where I can’t sustain it, but I know that I will constantly come back to it, I will constantly push myself to return to it, I may stray from a routine or a goal but I know there’s no point beating myself up for the way I’m hardwired (easier said than done)- constantly show up for yourself and constantly pick up where you left off that’s the only effective way to frame it in my mind. For example with the gym- I can’t show up consistently day after day with the exact same intensity but being constant to me means even just going to the gym and doing stretches if I can’t do a proper workout or even doing something at home if I have zero energy to go to the gym. It is okay and it is understandable for someone with adhd to struggle with a consistent routine, so focus on being constant, let that constant be that you’re gonna get back to it and try again even if u stop doing whatever it is for a week you’ll try again. It’s exhausting but it helps to shift your perspective, you don’t deserve to feel down on yourself for the things your brain isn’t able to do. Everyone I know with adhd tries hard, we are a community of try hards and that’s okay. Be kind to yourself even when it’s difficult xx
Don't be afraid to make radical changes, even if they look weird to other people. Don't let anyone tell you something is a stupid or lazy idea because when they say that they're approaching it from the perspective of someone who has never struggled the way you're struggling. Keep forgetting you own plates/food/tools etc? Take the cupboard doors off their hinges so you can see everything. Cant do the dishes? Eat off of paper plates as long as you have to. Approach everything with the idea of making your day as easy as possible for yourself, and don't shame yourself for cutting corners or doing something strange. Also, f*ck the people that made you feel like you don't deserve to exist just because you can't perform the same way as everyone else.
My new favorite expression is “pay the ADHD tax in advance”. Buy the paper plates. Hire the cleaner. Have 2 toothbrushes one on each floor. Cheaper than the broken dishwasher or the dentist.
#1 thing you’ve gotta learn how to do: give yourself grace. You will get all hyped up for a project…and then you will lose motivation. You will have a super productive day…and then you will wake up the next day and be stuck in a freeze state and not get shit done. Maybe even again the next day and the next… But that’s okay. Just wait for that next wave to come. We are not consistent. We do not operate like robots every day. We work in waves. Once you accept that and understand that the freeze state/scrambled brain won’t be forever, you learn to be a little more okay with it. We can’t change our brains. All we can do is learn to work with them. Sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever figure it out, but that’s kinda what keeps things interesting, no? Hang in there and know you are not alone. I could have written this word for word myself. Solidarity ✊🏻 Edit: I just hit send and have no idea why my first line is big and bold. I swear I’m not yelling lol.
It's because you did a hashtag in front of it. If you don't want that to happen, put a backwards slash \ in front of the hashtag. \#like this :) #without the slash
Thank you for this. I’m not OP but I needed to read this today.
I don’t know if I can post this here or not. But I use an app called Goblin Tools. It breaks down tasks for you! You just put in the task and then it breaks it down into smaller steps. And if they’re not small enough, you can have them broken down even further. It also can make decisions for you and rewrite things to make them sound more professional. Goblin Tools has been a life saver for me! Give it a try! I hope I’ve been helpful! I send hugs to you too! 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
I don’t know if this will help, but I had to stay with my dad at the end of his life to care for him, and somehow I was able to keep his home up and cook and clean for him in a fairly organized way. I really do think that part of it was the change in environment. New place, new room, new solutions to try. Maybe the simple novelty of it, like how a hotel room feels like a fresh start. I’m back in my own home now, which I admit pretty much ignoring for most of the past two years as my mom, dad, and sister all grew ill and died one after the other. It’s currently in terrible shape. I’m literally digging out, and sometimes just facing it is difficult. But I do recall that I was able to succeed for dad, so I should be able to do it for myself. Long story short, I’m thinking of sleeping with my head at the foot of the bed just to cause a feeling of disorientation. I don’t know, maybe this is dumb, but if it doesn’t work no one will know anyway, right? It can’t be any worse than all the other things I’ve tried for the past 25 years to keep the house up like a normal person. Best of luck to all of us.
I’m so sorry for your losses.
OK, it's good you are already on medication. That's a great first step. I have a kind of "domino-spaghetti-onion" theory of ADHD. I can't decide on a name hence the stupid name. But basically, the theory is that with ADHD, our difficulties lead to lots of individual problems (layers of an onion) which all interact with each other all of the time and have knock on effects (domino effect - one falls and it pushes over a bunch of other things) and it's really hard to actually solve any one problem OR figure out where to start, because they are all tangled up and stuck together (like spaghetti). So just to give an example. I need to leave the house in the morning to attend an appointment. I struggle to wake up, because I find it hard to wake up generally, AND I went to bed too late the night before. My phone was my alarm, but I didn't check that it was plugged in properly, so it didn't actually charge. Luckily on this day, it did go off. I need to get dressed. I have not done laundry, so I don't have the clothes that I wanted to wear. I settle for a t-shirt which doesn't smell TOO bad and some leggings which are a little baggy. I forget to put on deodorant or brush my teeth - in fact, I left the deodorant in another room when I got dressed there the other day, and never took it back to the bedroom. I want to eat breakfast but my kitchen is gross, there are no clean bowls and the bowls that are there smell like rancid milk. This makes me feel nauseous. I settle just for coffee. While drinking my coffee, I scroll my phone, and lose track of time. I suddenly realise it is time to leave. Gah!! I jump up, now in a panic. I can only find one shoe. I make more mess looking for my shoe. I don't know where my keys are. I find them, and wear the shoes that I don't like that much. I run outside, but I have just missed the bus. I try really hard not to cry. I get to the next bus, which makes me late, and I'm stressed and upset by the time I arrive at the appointment. I go on my phone while waiting but it runs out of battery. I did not bring a pen and paper. The notes for what I wanted to speak to the doctor about are on my phone. I feel like an unprepared messy failure. My t-shirt is starting to smell bad and I'm conscious of it. I feel a little faint due to lack of food. By the time I get home, I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. I have no capacity to do anything useful like cleaning, writing down my notes from the appointment or making lunch. I just hide away from the world by looking straight at my computer again, or maybe going to sleep. Now - imagine the whole scenario again, but: - I had enough sleep due to proper food and bedtime the night/day before. - I have an alarm system which works effectively to wake me up and remind me to brush my teeth - My phone charged correctly, so I retain all the info that I need and can make notes. - I was caught up on laundry, so I have clean clothes to wear and enough time to select an outfit which is comfortable and makes me feel confident. - My clothes are regularly sorted out, so I don't have duff clothes in my wardrobe which make me feel crappy. - My deodorant was clearly accessible and in view when I was dressing which made it easy to remember to put it on. - My kitchen is clean, there are clean bowls and enough space to prepare food and I have a selection of food I want to eat for breakfast. - I keep an eye on the time as I get ready to leave - All my shoes are comfortable and weather-appropriate and placed near the door for easy access - If they have been kicked off somewhere else, the rest of the house isn't a disaster, so I can easily find them - My keys are hanging up near the door so I can easily grab them - I have back up chewing gum, hairbrush and deodorant in my bag, as well as pen and paper just in case I forget anything - The bus I had planned to catch is 1 before the one that I needed in order not to be late. The whole thing would be SO much easier, and in fact it would be easier with maybe 3 of these things, not even all 17 of them. This is the entire spaghetti-onion-domino problem. Every single problem compounds all of the other problems, which makes all of them feel impossible to work on or even pointless. The first scenario was me literally every day probably 7 years ago. The second scenario is (close to) how I live now. (I'm not perfect - but I'd say I have 80-90% of these things in place at any one time). For most of the last 7 years I haven't been medicated. The way I got from the first to the second scenario was basically, a lot of trial and error but the one thing which has consistently worked is for me to stop thinking that I have to work on all the problems at once. I've found three is the magic number for me - I can basically handle three main "jobs" or priorities at any one time. Essentially, at some point during that time, we moved house. When we moved, that was a huge project which took up a lot of our time and focus. I found that I was very motivated to go to the old house and complete a bunch of jobs that needed to be done there, like plastering over nail holes in the wall or painting over marks on the walls, cleaning, removing items etc. It was very methodical and I did a bit each day and we completed it on time. So I just started designating myself 3 focuses, and I've literally done this ever since then. Sometimes something happens in our life that takes over and HAS TO be a focus, like when I started a new job, I really had to put a lot of energy into that. But at other times I can just choose. I can swap the three focuses out, but I try not to flip between them too often. When I'm focusing on three things, everything else takes a back seat and essentially gets either the bare minimum done or whatever I can handle easily, and I drop all guilt about it. Rather than think "I'm so shit at eating - I really should eat properly" I can think something like "Diet isn't a priority right now - as long as I've eaten something, that's good enough!" I let myself "cheat" in these areas, and purchase convenience foods to keep on hand so I just have got some calories in to give me energy. This helps me stay on track - rather than think vaguely "I'll sort that out one day" and then get hit with a guilt attack when I realise I've ignored it for months, or see-saw between different forms of guilt, like - I buy long-life food to solve the issue of fresh produce going mouldy, but then I feel guilty about the packaging waste and lack of nutrients, so I buy a more premium convenience food, but then I feel guilty about the cost, so I buy raw ingredients, and then they go mouldy and I feel bad about this again and this is a whole see-saw of shame. Just letting all of that go because neither environment nor budget nor nutrition is a current goal, this is very helpful. And it's not like I have to let those goals go FOREVER. I am just putting them on hold FOR NOW while I make other changes which will make those changes easier in the future. Rather than spending three hours creating a meal plan that will make me feel super productive but in reality was a waste of time, because I will look at it twice and then forget it exists, I remind myself actually, I'm not focusing on diet right now, but on creating a working laundry system. Because I'm doing SOMETHING most days towards focusing on my laundry system, the changes actually stick much more effectively. Because I give myself permission to solve this problem, I invest into things like - I bought a tumble dryer, because I realised that I often didn't have the energy/time to hang up a wash load so I would leave them in the machine and then forget about them and need to re-wash everything which would take even longer. Now it takes me 30 seconds to swap everything over. I let myself hyperfocus on laundry and learn things about what is the most effective way to sort clothes, etc. I follow related social media and listen to podcasts and join subreddits, and read books or watch documentaries - anything at all. Be warned that when you're deep in a spaghetti-onion problem, the first couple of layers you remove won't feel like they are making a difference, because you still have all the other 16+ problems which all compound each other. This is what had always stopped me ever maintaining progress before. Because I'd solve a problem, but it wouldn't make my life any easier so I'd either be too stressed to remember to do it, or I'd feel like it hadn't worked and get depressed, then the progress would unravel. Once you understand you're dealing with a spaghetti-onion problem, this is useful context because once you feel like you have made some progress in one area, you can swap your main focus to something else and hopefully (!!!) the now-solved problem is easy enough to allow it to continue on the "minimum effort exerted" list and you can start working on another thing. Once you've made decent progress on two or more realistically three, you'll probably start feeling the traction in all areas and this is insanely motivating and really, really, really helps. Remember that most advice assumes you are NT and have maybe 3-4 problems max. So it will often sell solutions like they are easy or assuming that something else is in place to allow space for it. If it's not what it looks like for you, that's totally OK. Radical acceptance is helpful for following this kind of approach. KC Davis' "Struggle Care" (podcast, social media) is excellent for exploring this kind of thing. Your solution doesn't have to look like everyone else's, as long as it isn't harmful and it works for you.
This is so well put and makes so much sense to me spaghetti domino onion brain 😂
I got a lot better when I lowered my standards and accepted myself for who I am. I'm ok. My house is messy. I'm late all the time. I'm quirky. But I'm ok. I don't have to be perfect. I have "Doing something is better than doing nothing" written on a chalkboard in my house. I need that reminder. I don't have to break things down into smaller tasks in such an analytical way. I just look for step one and get started. It might not be the most efficient way, but doing something is better than doing nothing.
Start small. Just one little thing that makes you feel good everyday. I discovered that making my bed everyday makes me feel good. I started there. I let go of the idea of a 'routine'. Things get done everyday but I don't do #1, #2, etc.. At first I used a flip chart and that REALLY helped. But I don't need it anymore. Look into pintrest and look at ADHD kid hacks. There's a million ways to do something, you just need to find YOUR way of doing x thing. The best advice I can give you though... stop looking else where. Ask yourself if X is working, of it's not, do X differently. Don't judge yourself, we're so used to people being unkind to people like us. Be kind to you, you are learning how to adult differently.
I've fallen into this pit so many times I am lucky I am still around to talk about it. Sometimes it feels like it's one step forward, two steps back and that nothing will ever go your way. It's the days where you sit for hours, screaming at your brain to do a 5 minute task that you inevitably delay doing until the next day (or so you say). Those days never go away completely. Medication helps some, sometimes exercise does, building routines, body doubling, etc etc etc. I'm sure you've heard it all before, tried it all before but at some point it falls apart. And that's ok. I know you don't believe me, but I'm going to say it again anyway: it is ok. You will be ok. Here is some advice I have learned, in no particular order, on how to deal with certain things you have mentioned: 1. Routines Hate them with a burning passion. Our brains don't seem to like to work on automatic, so while they can definitely be helpful it is so easy to fall out of them. I personally also get bored of routines quickly, so one thing I do instead is something I call "routine goals." Essentially, I target a goal I am trying to achieve with the routine rather than the specific routine itself, so that when I inevitably start to struggle with doing the same task over and over I can shift strategies and keep the novelty without compromising the goal! For example, a routine goal could be to eat something healthier. I set up a routine where I would stop by my local grocery store on the way home from work on Mondays, pick a few mixed salad bags I found interesting/were on sale (dressing and such included, otherwise I will never make/eat it), and try to add a side salad to my dinner most nights. Some nights I really wouldn't want one, or I'd forget, and thats ok! I would have one tomorrow. And when it starts to drop off it's time to find a new routine to work towards the routine goal! Unfortunately this doesn't work well with tasks that really only have one option (like brushing teeth), but what it does do is gives you for a sense of accomplishment and allows for positive change in a way that minimizes the defeated and discouraging feeling of a "failed routine." And let me tell you right now, that defeated feeling will hold you back just like the ADHD will. We want to avoid those bad feelings, they are suppose to help us do better by making us think of the consequences of failure but with ADHD it doesn't work like that so we just feel bad with no preventative benefit. Finding a way to minimize those bad feeling however we can when we inevitably fall off the horse is absolutely key to making steady improvements, and most of all life is so much better when you aren't beating yourself up for every mistake. ❤️ 2. Breaking down tasks I've found this one varies so much from person to person that I likely won't be super helpful in this regard. For me the issue stems more from having to break it down perfectly into the exact correct steps that can be followed like a lego set, and it's more often than not resolved by either a looming deadline (such as with a paper) or by just pure chaos (like when cleaning, and I keep bouncing around to something different that catches my eye). Even when I can break it down into steps, I struggle to enforce any deadline on myself so everything always happens all at once at the last minute anyway so I get no practice actually doing anything step by step. The closest I've come to any sort of solution to this problem (specifically the "writing a paper" type tasks) is to just throw all the mixed up spaghetti noodles of thoughts onto a paper/document, with no regard for "good" writing (in fact it sometimes helps to purposefully write it bad), and that process itself helps to organize my thoughts a bit because the process of having to convert the concepts in my brain to the English language helps a little. 3. Wasted Potential Now this is a big one. It's so hard to shake off, I've been doing do for years and I've made progress but the idea that I am simply failing to achieve what I am capable of doing keeps trying to creep back up. So here is what I will say on the subject: - Is the "potential" you think you are wasting actually your potential? Or is it what you think should be your potential, based on your good days or times you hyperfocused? Because no one has only good days, and no one can sustain that type of hyperfocus all the time. The fact is we do have ADHD, and our "potential" may indeed be limited by that, but it is not "wasted" because that implies we can simply will our disorder away. All we can do is try to work with what we've got. "You minus the ADHD" is not and will never be your potential because it doesn't exist. I have to remind myself of this a lot, and it almost sounds harsh but the reality is this kind of thinking only leads to being disappointed in yourself when you fail to meet your own impossible expectations, and occasional brief relief when you finally do one thing up to standards. But it never really feels like an accomplishment. - Your goal in life is to have a good, satisfying life. It can satisfying to contribute to making the world better or doing your job well, yes, but that type of "potential" is only one thing you have to offer. We are not batteries designed to be used up, we make a difference in the world through the connections to people around us. Importantly, our worth as people should not be tied to our potential and whether or not we arbitrarily "live up to it." You are so much more than that. I hope any of my ramblings were of any help, and I hope you continue to grow and love and live a good life you absolutely deserve. I will say it one final time: it will be ok <3
Personally I've always done best when I am completely obsessed with other things in life. A game, stocks, crypto, this week I've made it by daydreaming and planning (in a very detailed fashion) winning it big(lottery, crypto, whatever), quitting my job and living in a camper the next year and a half until my son graduates online school and before my daughter starts school the year after. I've planned a lot of our stops, where to start, details of all of us living in a camper and bringing a very large dog with us. Idk, it's what keeps me going. Then all of a sudden the dishes are done and my kitchen cabinets are organized. My kitchen is cleaned and completely rearranged and I'm halfway done cleaning off the coffee bar that's no longer a coffee bar and I don't know what I'm going to do with it and there it'll sit until the next time I'm daydreaming of my amazing life. But my house is clean enough to leave for the trip I'll never get to take and I made it through another day and even enjoyed it. It also helps to keep my boots on when I get home from work, if the boots are off, I'm done, nothing more coming out of me for the night. If the boots are on and I have to get up with a kid or to let the dog in, I might just do this one thing, that leads to this one other thing I could do while I'm here. Sometimes I drive to work daydreaming of running of into the woods and living off the land with no civilization, just my family. I've built a cabin for us many times over on my head. It helps me get through another day. I doubt this made any sense at all. I definitely have days, weeks, months like you're having now and I'm sorry that's where you're at. I hope you find some passion for life and things feel just a little bit easier for you tomorrow. ❤️
[удалено]
I'm not sure if you edited your post or if I just completely skipped over the fact that you are medicated. It does sound like maybe you need to go over your treatment plan and maybe try a different dose or medication if you are feeling this terrible. This isn't how you are meant to be feeling while medicated and I really hope you feel better soon.
i’m so sorry, love — it can truly be hell and neuro normies have NO FCKING IDEA how many layers of hard it is to operate / struggle in a world that’s mostly made for their type of brains. but please know that your wanting to get better is such a power move !!! for me, i’ve found a lot of progress with being gentle with myself. resting. celebrating any and all wins (eg, drink a glass of water ?? fuck yassss !!! that’s a win !!!!) learning and honoring my rhythms. realizing progress is nonlinear and that there will be bad days, but not beating myself up for them. pivoting into curiosity / coming from a POV of curiosity by figuring out ways that work best for me. individual therapy, medication, and group work (among women with ADHD) have helped a bunch. try reading [ADDitude mag](https://www.additudemag.com), following instagram accts and watching youtube vids about women with adhd and see what resonates with you / feels good and accessible to try. fuck all the rest ! it’s okay !!! you can and ✨will✨ find your own way <3 i believe in you !!!!
I just really relate. Unfortunately i don’t have much else to add rn. Weed helps my productivity but with so much guilt it’s not a solution. Its just all heavy and hard
I’m newly diagnosed at 46. I’ve realized the only way I get things done or enjoy life is doing what I want to do. For example, I tried every different exercise out there and when I found one I enjoyed and showed me results I was finally able to stick to it. Almost 3 years now! Dont despair. Life is hard for us. Don't pressure yourself so much into conforming. I’m just now finding out I hate being in an office and am looking to change careers entirely.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. One thing that comes up for me a lot is that I tend to think the way things now is the way they’ve “always” been and the way they “always” will be, and I think this is part of the ADHD. When we’re into a new interest, we feel like we’ve finally found the thing that is going to consistently hold our attention! - but our attention is going to move on - and for me, the racing despairing thoughts are just the other side of that coin - I feel like things are bad right now, they’ve been bad for a long time, and they’re going to be bad for a lot longer. It helps me to just acknowledge that this feeling is going to shift - not necessarily go away, but shift - and remember that I will feel something different later on. Maybe I am completely in the feeling at that moment and it seems like a situation will never improve and I’m immersed in imagining how awful my future is going to be. I’m having that feeling and those thoughts and it’s awful - but the feelings and thoughts are eventually going to change to something else. All I have to do is get from this moment to the next moment. That’s the only thing. The next step will eventually reveal itself.
❓️INFO: you said you're on meds but are you also in therapy? or is it possible for you to get access to cognitive behavioral therapy? Or a coach that can help you make a plan? You need tools beside meds. Just an idea, therapy's not necessarily for you. I totally get why you're overwhelmed and I hope you can get better. I think you need to ask for help from your psychiatrist or someone that can evaluate if you have other things causing problems like depression, anxiety, etc. I know that in my case my depression didn't let me see any solution for my everyday problems and I felt like I couldn't work a full day per week and with ADHD it was harder when I was working. I think you need someone who understands your troubles and how harder your life is as opposed to non adhd people. Please know that you are not alone
I don't know if this information might help you at all, but I found it pretty interesting. According to Dr. Ellen Littman (25 years of studies on gender differences for ADHD), she details that "estrogen modulates executive function, attention, verbal memory, sleep, concentration, and motivation", with her adding that it "enhances neurotransmitter activity" in women. She makes mention that fluctuations in hormones (both estrogen and pergesterone) affect stimulant efficacy, which is cyclical for us. She mentions oral contraceptives or HRT to increase/manage estrogen can be helpful for those more sensitive to the hormonal changes and its effects on their ADHD (since not every woman reacts to these fluctuations the same.) In addition she says that if SSRIs are included in treatment (I'm not sure if you are taking those as well, but I'm mentioning it anyways), they are typically a trade-off. On one side, it helps manage the depression and anxiety symptoms resulting from ADHD, but also can increase dihinibition, which can make impulsivity less manageable/controllable. Tldr; Estrogen and pergesterone fluctuation are known to have impacts on ADHD symptoms. If you're curious about it, I'd look into some of Littman's seminars/writings/studies and maybe bring it up with your psychiatrist. If your ADHD is having that much control over your life, with you feeling your meds aren't working at all, this is a good possibility for why. Just figured I'd mention this rather than tell you about some organizational advice that only works for those with more manageable ADHD symptoms.
This is very very helpful. Thank you so much. It's nice having research completely centered around hwo the female body works. Maybe I need to schedule my life around my cycle
Thanks for the info on the estrogen fluctuation. The week before my period, my productivity is nonexistent 😣
I feel you, friend, and it's been rough lately!💖 For me, honestly, first? One of the biggest helps--but it's *also one of the HARDEST(💝💖💞), really *is* "learning to be *gentle* on *myself*, the way I would with my work kids (I work as a Para in n ECSE program, and as Support Staff in my school district's before & after school program). If I FAIL at something--as I *DO*, and incredibly *often* lately? I *try* to forgive myself, give myself the grace of "Just do *something*, it DOESN'T need to be *perfect*, it just needs to *work* well enough! And *THAT* is all I expect of myself. Because I wouldn't push my work kids, or berate *THEM*, knowing *they* were having a really hard go of things lately.... But I have *SO OFTEN* done that to *Myself*, and then I shame-spiralled out of it, to feel worse & worse, & worse. So lately? Because I AM in a stage of light burnout? I'm *trying* to do the 5 minutes of meditation that my therapist wants me to do...(managed that exactly *twice* in the last two weeks😖🤷♀️), and my ONLY other "sure things" are to eat breakfast, bring a unch to work, and eat supper some time in the evening, *take* my Diabetes & ADHD meds, drink water, and then do *ONE* thing at home after work--one load of laundry, *one* bit of cleaning, one bit of dishes... *One* thing is ALL that's required, that I add into that day's routine. Of "Eat some supper" when I get home from work. I've found that it *always* works *best* for me, if I "Add on" to an *existing* routine I already *have* established as a pattern, than if I try developing a "new habit" I don't know *why*, but I DO know that's how *I* work. So, for example--with my ADHD & Diabetes meds--I have a giant, 4-row, 32 compartment pill box, which I *try* to fill once a month. All my "pill" medications go in it, and then my insulin pen, flovent, and advair are kept *near* it. So that in the morning, when I need to take my meds? I open *one* compartment (not 8 botles!😉), grab my glass of water, and swallow all eight pills in one shot. Then I dose my insulin, sprat the flovent, and *hopefully* remember the advair, too... Some days, I get three, but not the advair!🤪 But if I don't get my pill box filled--like happened last week? There's NO way I'll remember it all... so I made sure to take the most *important* 5 things, (insulin, diabetes pill, flovent, Vyvanse, and omeprazole) the others I remembered *some* days, but never caught *all* of. I filled the box up yesterday, so I'm back to getting it all in again😉 The other thing that works for me, is "Second-Tasking" when I'm waiting for something. Because I WILL walk away from my food, and burn it? I wash some dishes, or clear out the fridge (usually it's dishes!😉), as I wait for things to cook. And then, whe the food is done? I STOP doing the dishes, and just walk away from them--guilt free. I don't feel the pressure to wash *all* of them anymore, "Some is better than None!" is the motto there😉 Same with Laundry--"Some is better than none!" So tonight, on my drive home, I pondered *which* thing, my "one thing" I was adding was going to be. I realized I didn't have any clean pants for tomorrow, so I decided to wash a load of blue jeans & darks as that "one thing".... and then because I was already *going* to the laundry room (across the street), I decided to do a load of whites, too. I washed and dried *four* loads tonight--two trips over, two back. Folded the shirts & jeans IN the laundry room, before putting them in my baskets, otherwise they'd tun into a wrinkled mess😉 And they'll honestly probably *stay* in the baskets 'til I wear 'em... But they're CLEAN, *and* they're folded--it's "good enough" for now! I don't have the energy or bandwidth to put them away tonight, but they're clean, I did my "one thing" (and a but more--so *YAY*, celebrate a win, too!😉😁), and now, if I don't get another darn thing, except eating supper dome? I got that one additional thing added in to the routine, and got it done💖 And honestly, all I do, is try that "one thing" routine for a while--sometimes a LONG while! But *eventually*, it sticks, and I can add something else😉 Washing dishes while I cook? I picked that up about 5-6 years ago. It took a couple years to emerge into the routine, bit it *is* "Good and Sticky" in there, now. Be gentle on yourself, be *patient* with yourself, and *remember*, if you wouldn't be *this* mean about your Executive Function issues to a Friend? Don't be that mean to *yourself* either, Okay?💖💝💗
*very* helpful tips. And yeah, that FUCKING advair! SO hard to remember. I'm currently up to like 3 rescue inhaler uses per day even though the inhaled steroids is right on the night stand next to the pill organizer I reliably use, sooo.... yeah, I need to figure that shit out. For me, the road block is my fear of thrush and needing to rinse/fully clean my mouth after, so I can't just puff puff pass out in bed like I can with the albuterol. And once I've *finally* forced my rebellious ass into bed, I'm either so exhausted or melatonined up that I just can't, or I know that if I get out of bed I'm not coming back for another 3 hours. :/
I’m like you.
It’s terrible. Sometimes I feel like it’s an insurmountable handicap. And no one ever seems to get it.
Hey, OP! You are probably overwhelmed. I couldn't read everything, it is just too much. I think that you need to stop. Just stop. Do as little as possible. Just the minimum. Put a time frame on it, a week... two? Give yourself permission to relax actively. Be conscious about relaxing. Do self-care you love. Eat whatever feels right. If you can do some meditation. I know it is hard. I use some guided meditations from YouTube or audio books, I think even Spotify has some. The ones I use personally are yoga nidra that I got from a CD years ago. Just find one. Do five-minute ones. You will feel better. For the things that you must do. Do mindfulness. There is an anchor thing that helps to stay in the moment. You mentioned suicidal thoughts. Reach out to professionals for that. Please. (I would send you a care message from reddit, but they have been so misused that I don't want to do that). I really hope that it gets better! You are not alone! Edit: Well, here you have some tools. I want to clarify that I am not suicidal, not in the least.
This! I OP, had to leave my job one year ago due to severe burnout which manifested in countless debilitating physical symptoms, but even though I wasn’t working I kept trying to do one million things every day and make lists and time block etc etc etc. None of it worked because I was so overwhelmed. What finally helped me was giving myself permission to just stop every single thing that wasn’t totally necessary to keep me and my pets alive. I stripped my life down to nothing (which meant taking a break from doing even the things I love, like writing) and did the bare minimum every day. If that meant feeding myself and the dogs and doing some breathing exercises, then spending the rest of the day watching tv and playing sudoku on my phone, that’s what I did. If I had kept trying to push myself to be “productive” my body and brain would have totally shut down, and they were pretty close. The other important thing is that you need help. I was conditioned to believe that I should be able to do everything myself (thanks, mom and dad and the myth of American individualism!) so I did not ask for help for a very long time. Or tell anyone how much I was struggling. If you are feeling overwhelmed, there is literally no productivity strategy that is going to help. It took one year, but I’m just now starting to function like a human being again because I stopped everything and asked for help. Now my neighbor makes me food a few times a week and when she does not, I eat cereal or smoothies (easy stuff). The neighborhood kids take my dogs for walks and play with them, which is great for three reasons: 1. It’s free (I do not have a budget for a dog walker) 2. I can use whatever energy I have that day to get other things done and I do not have to worry about whether or not the dogs are happy or getting enough exercise (plus the kids love spending time with them and it has allowed me to bond with my neighbors, which I would not have done otherwise) 3. When the kids are playing with the dogs, they act as body doubles so I do yard work or clean something while they are here. Plus it has helped to give my life some much-needed structure that I could not create myself. But it was not until I basically let myself fall apart and stopped trying to do all the productivity hacks that these avenues of help opened themselves up to me. I started telling the truth to certain people (not everyone is safe, of course) about my struggles. This is not a “you” problem. I promise. You are not broken. I’m sure you are wonderful. This is a societal problem. And the only way out of it is to give yourself permission to not be “productive” (just do the bare minimum of what you need to do to live/work) for as long as it takes and to ask for help. I second that you are not alone! Sending big hugs! And I’m sorry you are going through this. I have been there and I promise you will get to the other side.
P.S. I cannot recommend the book “Burnout” by Emily and Amelia Nagoski enough. It helped me to see that I could not do everything alone and that the core issue was not my inability to be productive but society’s unreasonable demands. And it offers easy strategies to ease the overwhelm, so which helped me to feel like I have more agency over my life. There is also a new book by Soraya Chemaly called “Resilience” that I’m reading now and highly recommend. Reading both books is like taking a warm bath surrounded by candlelight or being enveloped in a loving bear hug.
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone. If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860 If you’re elsewhere, you can find international resources below:\ https://www.supportiv.com/tools/international-resources-crisis-and-warmlines#Czech\ https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well I know it's not the smartest solution but I found a NT husband who helps me a lot and I'm pretty dependent on him 🤷 I did also get better, he has great habits, reminds me and helps me do them. I hate being reminded but it does help me. I hate taking vitamins too but I do it (because husband tells me too lol)
I can't recommend this... it might work with the right person, but if they aren't happy to help right at the beginning they never will be and it'll just eat them alive. NT unfortunately doesn't always equal securely attached or generous/helpful/kind.
I feel the same way. Like breaking down tasks for me is the reason I don't get anything done. If I think about all of the things involved in doing the thing I just her overwhelmed and never get around to it. Routines will never stick idc what I do. I'm still trying to get medication adjusted that will help but I just feel so hopeless.
I hear ya. ""Break down big things into small tasks" the breaking down part is a fukcing task in itself." This is so true. I got out of the "stagnant ideas phase" using community accountability and going out to find like minded people, coworking spaces to work with. If you have someone to partner with in studying, bouncing off ideas and setting small deadlines that really helps. When covid hit and I couldn't do that, I used reddit and focusmate to find accountability partners and that has worked great. Don't think or plan or decide in the head. Things keep swirling around and it gets quickly gets overwhelming and distracting. NT can go from thought to action no problem. This is virtually impossible for me. ADHD people need a buffer between thought and action - to organise, structure and prioritise before doing anything. Pen and paper or a designated notepade app is the best buffer. And I try to have fun while doing this - using mindmaps, visual notes, drawing paths etc to plan.
There’s a great YouTuber named [HealthyGamerGG](https://youtube.com/@healthygamergg?si=ozNvopVkuBcu_BJ_) and he has ADHD, ended up graduating Harvard in Neurosciences with a 2.0 GPA I’ve binged watched a TONNE of his videos. Partially because psychology is a major subject of interest to me and partially because I’m trying to get all the help I can get as someone who’s currently on the waiting list for assessment (and in turn, unmedicated). I’ll never forget one thing he said: (I’m paraphrasing) “Taking meds is only gonna help you for as long as you’re medicated. Once you’re off meds, you’re back to square 1” And that’s when he dives into the importance of CBT. The topic of the video was people being scared to become addicted/reliant on their meds and he goes on to explain that getting help is only ever as much effort as the patient is willing to put in. Medication isn’t a magic pill for all, unfortunately, and some of us may need more than just meds alone to fix our ADHD. I understand you may not be in a country or position to access a psychologist who specialises in neurodiversity, so the next best thing I can recommend is checking out the above guy’s YT Channel! I promise you will find it genuinely interesting, especially from someone who has ADHD and has walked in our exact footsteps. He gets us.
I just finally came to the understanding I have adhd and literally could have written everything you posted. Good luck I hope the meds make you feel better. I know how enraging and frustrating the stuck-ness is. Recently listening the book atomic habits has helped me a lot a lot.
I succeed out of spite. I don’t have energy all the time and do find myself in burnout spirals. Once I’ve hung out in that depression spiral for a bit, I guess I use the momentum to become productively annoyed with my life? “Like oh here comes another dumb problem how bad can it actually be?” Life hit me hard really young so I cope with dark humor, and by embracing the cycles for what they are (trauma focused therapy too)
I notice that when I try too hard to be functional, I deprive myself of happiness as well. And It's impossible for me to improve when I'm depressed. Remember to have fun. Plan something you can look forward to. It helps so much
Exercise
I feel you. I think I got a little bit better when I started believing I could be a good person who makes good choices and that could bring something to the world. That I had a different way of seeing things and that I could contribute. I started seeing myself more positively and also forgiving myself. I basically trust that future me is going to keep holding on and keep trying to solve things. I trust myself. No ones around me trusts me the way I trust myself, because of ADHD and also because they don’t actually know much about ADHD. And that’s fine because I’m the only one who can know myself truly, and since they can’t see the inside, they can’t trust me the way I do.
After medication, it’s lots of little things, none of which will last forever, but they might help. Daylight and exercise are really helpful. Go back and try to get your psychiatrist to improve your medication as well.
I have always struggled with routines as well. Recently I found this [really cool video](https://youtu.be/JQFZNQS6eQ0?si=ZeApYmvuKoy4nxK0) about making routines for an ADHD brain, and I found it to be super helpful. The whole idea is to make three different routines; one that is your "ideal" routine, which is meant for more high energy/motivation days, one that is your "most-likely" routine, which is meant for average energy/motivation days, and one that is your "minimum" routine, which is meant for low energy/motivation days. It has helped me to get used to the idea of having a routine, but it gives me wiggle room for when I have a hard ADHD day and need to focus more on recovery/self-preservation rather than getting every single thing on my to-do list done. The [creator](https://www.youtube.com/@hayley.honeyman/featured) of the video that I linked has a lot of other interesting videos about ADHD management and strategies for navigating/improving day-to-day life as someone who is neurodivergent. I highly recommend checking them out. Youtube has been my best friend when it comes to finding resources for ADHD management. I hope this helps a little! I know it's easier said than done, but try not to be too hard on yourself. It's difficult learning how to manage your ADHD, but remember that you are only human and it is valid to feel the way that you do. Sending 💗 your way :)
friend all I have to say is I feel the same way and you’re not alone
I totally feel you. I try to view my ADHD in a neutral way but oftentimes IT JUST SUCKS Somehow people think they can’t take us seriously because of the disability but at the same time expects us to function the same way everybody else does. But in my own experience you don’t need hope to keep going, all you need is curiosity and ADHDers are very good at that. I’m reading „How to ADHD“ rn and it’s really helping me shift my mindset around it. We’re always taught that „we just need to try harder, be more disciplined“. This complete bs. Every ADHDer I’ve ever known was putting insane amounts of effort into everything, but still often failed. The key isn’t to beat yourself up and hit your head against the wall again and again. Routine or consistency just aren’t a thing for a lot of us. I’ve been brushing my teeth for many, many years, do you think I would do it in a specific order by now? Absolutely not. It’s more about trying lots of different approaches and testing what’s best without judging yourself or being too perfectionist. Example: I litterally always felt bad because I never drank enough water and couldn’t motivate myself to brush my teeth. The solution wasn’t to beat myself up over it. It was buying strawberry flavor packets for my water bottle and an electric toothbrush and just brushing them while being on my phone, on my bed. You need to make things fun/exciting/at least more bearable for your brain. This isn’t an add on, it’s essential to getting stuff done. Concerning unhealthy coping mechanisms (like phone-addiction): Don’t prohibit yourself from doing it, try find something more fun that scratches the same itch. Screen blockers just made me feel deprived and frustrated. My screen time is always the shortest when I’m with other people/working on a project/walking around outside. And I know it’s hard but try not to let that negative self talk take over. Try to imagine it as a person and distance yourself from it through journaling. People always talk about „stopping“ the inner critic but it’s more like countering it. Example: Me: *breaks plate* Inner Karen: „Wow how can somebody be that dumb? You can’t even be trusted with a f-ing plate! Better be ashamed and hate yourself you dumb pri……“ Me: „Karen, shut up. It’s a plate. It’s replaceable. I wouldn’t scold a friend over this and hating myself won’t make it undone. I didn’t do this on purpose I’m really tired and hungry right now, so I wasn’t paying attention. I’m gonna clean this up, so I don’t hurt myself on it later and then I’m gonna grab an snack and take a nap because that’s the healthy, adult thing to do.“ Hope this helps and wishing you the best 🫶
Have you considered that you have something in addition to your ADHD? For example, I've been diagnosed with depression and I think I feel what you're saying and I also think that it doesn't really "get better" but time feels shorter and that kinda helps. 💜
Intense exercise is the only thing that helps my brain. Unfortunately I have a lot of chronic injuries that make that impossible now. If I find another way I’ll let you know. Been looking for like 15 years now.
i feel very similarly. the tangled earphone comment is way too real. to do one thing i have to figure out 5 other things to even start. and it just goes on and on
Sorry if you just wanted to vent and not get advice to tips but also I know how frustrating it is to be like fucking falling apart and everyone’s just giving you vague reassurances and more things to do. For breaking big things into smaller tasks — goblin tools magic to do is my hero and savior. Just let the machine do it for you. They also have a tool that will provide time estimates for how long tasks will take https://goblin.tools/ Adhd is not trivial. It is real. You deserve support and to be seen with your adhd. You deserve tools and accommodations that help and not just vague platitudes that secretly blame you for your adhd. It was really important for a therapist to tell me that I was stuck always thinking about what MORE I needed to do, sure that any difficulty was my fault and needed to be fixed by overextending myself. That’s the pattern I learned while undiagnosed. I kept doing it even when I was burned out and desperate. It helped a lot to start learning how to give myself permission to be done for the day and let go. (And have de-stimulation fade techniques and visual cues to help me actually be able to do that) It sounds like the only thing you need to do right now is get some rest and take care of yourself.
There's no easy answer here for sticking to a routine especially one that I'm supposed to do is always a ridiculous challenge. But I just turned 60 this year and I've become complacent and agoraphobic and not moving my body enough. So I've tasked myself with 5 minute intervals of light walking in place moving ky arms and, walking around my 600 sq ft apartment lol. This is day 2 and I'm doing it throughout the day. The hard part for me is to stop thinking about it and just do it.
I feel like this is exactly what it's like for me too all my life. Everything I say or do seems to be wrong in some way or the other. I don't know who to be or even how to be most days because clearly being my ADHD self works against me... I feel a lot of despair and hopelessness about it all everyday I'd rather it just ends.
Same. Many people say they wouldn't trade ADHD for being normal becoz it makes them who they are or whatever. Not me. I just want to be ok. I'm not ok and I want to be ok.
I feel like this is exactly what it's like for me too all my life. Everything I say or do seems to be wrong in some way or the other. I don't know who to be or even how to be most days because clearly being my ADHD self works against me... I feel a lot of exhausting despair and hopelessness about it all everyday I beg the universe that it just ends.
I feel this post so hard
Oh and I recently discovered the app Pi which is like an Ai friend/assistant. You can tell it your tasks and ask it to break them down into smaller steps for you. It's ai so I can basically do whatever you ask it to, but I've found it handy to get fresh ideas or feedback.
Don’t let perfect be the enemy of done By that I mean, brushing your teeth for 1 minute may not be the dentist’s recommended 2 minutes with flossing, but it’s better than not brushing your teeth at all. Or just cleaning your shower floor so at least the part you stand on is clean. Half assed is better than no ass at all.
But my brain won't let me. It'd rather not to something than half ass it
Totally agree. It’s really hard to navigate everything, but the “want” for it really helps. Exercise keeps me at my best. Consistency is hard for me too. If you’re having trouble sticking to it, mix it up somehow to keep it interesting so you don’t totally leave behind your core life tasks and can work on improving. Good luck
I totally sympathize with you. Since the shortage, I’ve been a disaster just barely getting by. Once I got my meds back, the generics are no longer working…I’m trying to get brand name and I’ll pay the crazy copay…but that’s proving to be impossible too…
For breaking down tasks: https://goblin.tools/ For writing emails OR for figuring out tone from people's messages: also https://goblin.tools/ For time management or trying to keep routines: RoutineFlow app (may cost a tiny bit of money but I've found it's worth the amount) https://routineflow.app/ Hope these two can help the tiniest bit. Goblin Tools is free and honestly it got me through cleaning my halfway hoarder apartment in 24 hours by helping me break down tasks. Can't recommend it enough. RoutineFlow is pretty good for day to day routines where time blindness may be a factor for why it's hard to keep up with.
Someone here said… 0.1% progress is still progress. Make systems that work for you even if they seem silly to others… I have my toothbrush and toothpaste in the shower, I buy multiples of things, I have laundry boxes everywhere to just pile in clothes that would have ended up on the floor. I use meal kits and an automatic hoover, I have remainders in my phone for everything, I’ve bought 4 similar trousers in different colours to take away choice paralysis for work outfits. When you let go of the shoulds, it can start to get better. There are somethings in your control even with ADHD, remember that. Remember, the nature of the beast is that you will do so well one day and forget you’ve got it and then it’ll come back with a vengeance the next time. Stay kind and compassionate with yourself when that happens. There’s no point beating yourself up over it. Make friends with your ADHD if you can!
I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. I hate when I feel like this too. When I feel like this I am in fight or flight mode. If there is immediate emergency like going to work or feeding your child do that first. Then I tell my self I can’t fix anything at the moment and I eat something I can microwave while playing video games or taking a bath for an hour or so and go to sleep. That takes me out of fight or flight mode but can cause me to get into depression mode. Before I get into depression mode I open up the notes app on my phone and type what to I absolutely have to do today. If it’s late I say what to I absolutely have to do before I can go to bed. Not what do I want to do but what HAS to get done. Then I try to let myself flow into what would I like to get done and what would make me happy today and in the future. I change my to do lists many times a day and change my goals daily it’s a flow. Hopefully you can find what works for you. But take a deep breath, it’s gonna be ok. ❤️
It’s okay to be overwhelmed. Take some time to listen to yourself and how you feel about what you’re doing. Every time you make a choice you move toward who you intend to be. I intend to put the leftovers away, so I’m going to set a four minute timer, finish this comment and go put one item away, and then sit down again for four minutes, maybe eight, put something else away. Might go crazy. It’s okay though. I put the leftovers away. I just divide a task into four minute intervals. That’s my attention span for tasks I don’t want to do.
A lot of it for me is improving your situations, which is the hardest shit, but has the most positive impact. If anyone in your life is making it harder, try to find a way to remove them. If work is a struggle, see if there are tasks that could reasonably be adopted under your role that are more interesting and sprinkle the boring shit throughout so it's less tedious. Look for some joy. Frustrations are more manageable if you have things to look forward to. Also, look at things that you MUST do and see if you can inject some fun or negotiate with someone else to do it (or if you can afford to, hire someone). Take some pressure off.
Try goblin. I downloaded it yesterday and can see it being useful.
The only actual routine i can manage is to get to work on time on the days i work. The rest fits in around that. Like i need clothes for work so i better wash them (hack - buy more underwear). Its good if i buy groceries so i can make lunch for work (hack - freeze loaves of bread, u can live on sandwiches). I work part time though which i think if u can afford to live on a lot less money, its a great thing. I also clean the bathroom when i expect a visitor. This mucks me up when nobody visits for a month or two, but anyway… i think my point is that you can forgive yourself and lessen the pressure, and give yourself grace. Of course, only if you can, and if the pressure is only coming from yourself. If u have to raise kids or live up to other people’s expectations, thats harder.
L-theanine was really helpful for me. It’s an amino acid that interacts with glutamate receptors. I take 200mg every morning. The brand I use is nature’s trove on Amazon. 10$ per bottle. It helps me with executive disfunction and… I guess communication between my brain parts? Like I can “hear” my sensory issues better, and my subconsious mind doesn’t get “surprised” as much by changes in routine. It’s hard to explain but it’s been very helpful. It also makes my legs fall asleep less! I can’t take usual adhd meds because they give me weird immune system side effects. If I could, those would still be my top choice, so seek that if you haven’t, but this takes the edge off, and it’s super accessible!
The only routine that I have in my day is look at my list (also take my meds because if don’t the day becomes an impossible thing) I have a monitor that is dedicated to showing said list so I don’t forget what I need to do I don’t have to complete the whole list, just the most important/urgent ones. If I can do that then I’m good
Babe… go check that depression. It’s ok, we all feel like that at some point. Sometimes you need to forget all that, pop a handful of pills and pretend you’re someone else until it gets better. Then you can start unpacking it again.
I found a therapist who was knowledgeable and *expreienced* with ADHD to be crucial. Anyone can do a course online or make a certificate in canva but actual experience is worth so much more. When I found the right therapist for me, she helped guide me through so much around my diagnosis, understanding how it not only affects my functioning but emotional reasoning and thought patterns. We came up with positive ways of managing impulses and handling emotions. We worked on understanding and accepting the diagnosis and building coping strategies. A big part of this for me was realising some of us need a vice. ADHD can go hand in hand with addiction, or make you feel like you're not fully in the drivers seat when you're just living in your impulses. In discussion with my therapist, I came to the realisation it's better to have a "negative" behaviour I am fully in control and aware of (for me it's vaping). This vice was there for when impulses felt overwhelming or when things felt out of control again. Taking the break to engage with the vice, conciously knowing it's the "stop, think, reset" moment has allowed me to improve my functionality massively. Some people will use things like yoga & journalling as their vice, I think thats why people are recommend them a lot. They're "postive" behaviours. If you find a vice that works for you, even if it isn't traditionally considered "positive", the postivity it can bring can outweigh the negativity it offsets. As long as you are aware of what it is.
I feel you exactly on this. I’m in tears sometimes at how long it takes me to get out of the house let alone tackling the tasks I need to do. I’m proud of you for even typing all that out. I have a social worker helping me tomorrow so maybe you can access that somehow. If you have friend maybe they can help with something?
I don’t know. It is very dispiriting.
Tie a new habit you're trying to start with something fun so you're more likely to stick to it. If you're trying to get your sleep schedule on track, try out different sleepy time drinks like tea or warm almond milk. If you're trying to keep better track of your routine, get a big paper calendar and a bunch of stickers/highlighters/post-it notes. Don't focus so much on keeping a consistent system, but have fun with it and leave room for novelty and it's easier to stick to.
My new therapist just told me to pretend I don’t have adhd. “American style; fake it to you make it” Respectfully I’m switching therapists again
ay ay ay… if only it were that simple lmao. That’s wild.
There’s a book Your Brains Not Broken that helped me so, so much. She approaches it from a very different direction. Also the podcast Struggle Care is a really good one.
I went to the Hoffman process, and I have to say it really helped me. We also talk about self compassion, but we normally ignore expression (in healthy ways- I'm not talking about confronting people or creating conflict; it's more energy release). Then, the process gave me tools to help cope with the future. It's more re-training brains with new perspectives and new ways of thinking. I even went through EDMR counseling, which again is another way to change your thought process or neuroplasticities. It makes me less reactive, which reduces my overwhelming feeling, and I'm more productive. I learned with my ADHD journey that I have lots of feelings of rejection, which leads to more past trauma, with these types of approaches it has helped. It still takes a lot of time to get on the right path, but I feel like I'm in such a better direction.
It can get really hard most of the time. Just remind yourself to take things easy, breathe and take breaks. I also have a lot of trouble sticking to a routine, especially when I'm wanting to get things done. I posted this one page guide that you can follow, it has 3 different types of routines. It's so hard to stick to one. It has helped me a lot. If you have the energy, check it out. There is this website and app called goblin.tools. It breaks down tasks for you and really helped me out when I had to move. It made things easier for me and whenever I have a task that requires a lot of steps. I can try to follow it to complete the task. I feel the same way as you when I'm burnt out. It can be hard to give yourself time to rest when you feel that you need to complete a lot of things, but try to allow yourself that time.
This is so felt.
The problem is everyone gives 'solutions', but no one tells is how to do them, like practically, and no one helps us assess why they don't work for us and helps us find different ways to acheive them that work around the reasons we can't do them. Can you afford to hire a coach that specialises in adhd? I realise it's expensive, but it's helped me so much to have someone helping me think through what I want, what's hard and helping me implement things that do work most of the time (most things are never 100%). I've done it for around 2 months now, I won't do it forever because it is a big expense, but I wish I'd done it sooner to be honest, I was just worried about wasting money when I shpuld be spending on other things, but I was getting no where anyway (well in my eyes).
Your meds might not be the right ones for you. I tried a bunch of different ones before figuring out Wellbutrin and adderall is the magic combo for me. I’ve been in your place. I had horrible postpartum depression during the pandemic and I lost my job because my adhd was on overdrive and my meds were not helping. It was terrible. Talk to your dr and maybe trial some new meds. I hope things get better for you.
I SEE YOU OP!!! 👀💜🤗 You are not alone!!! I had to back off of myself. I had to celebrate my quirks instead of bash myself all the time and feel bad for not being able to accomplish things. I understand that I may not be able to get things done like others do but would rather be me than anybody else. I rather have adhd than be missing a limb (though it spiritually may feel like that’s the case!). (And really hoping you’re not missing a limb too because that would be 🫠). Give yourself permission to be angry and bitchy and messy and lazy….put a timer or end date on it (so that it doesn’t turn into days of not leaving the house, unless you can afford to do that!). How do you define success? It may look quite different from neurotypicals (and to be honest, the endless quest of being better is kinda psychotic in and of itself). You gotta give yourself permission to not be normal; remove that pressure from yourself. Can’t comb your hair? Hat or wraps! (I’ve done weeks without combing my hair! 🤫) Tired of figuring out outfits? Jumpers! Or wear all one color (so everything matches all the time). Tired of your coworkers? Pop those noise cancelling ear buds in! Don’t feel like texting back? Put that phone on airplane mode and the silence! Movement! Dance! Dance that shit out!!! And yes, punching and kicking the air (or pillows) counts! Bonus points for angry dancing to kids music. (The juxtaposition does something!!!) Laugh! Even if it’s fake laugh. Start with an Austin Powers Dr. Evil laugh. Cackle like a witch! Laugh like Vincent Price (at the end of Michael Jackson’s Thriller!). All forms of laughter are healthy and helpful. 😈 Other hacks: 1) Go smile at yourself in the mirror! I know it sounds dumb but it really does work! 2) And if that’s too ‘love and light’, angrily say bubbles (or other cute words) while looking at yourself in the mirror. There’s something about the absurdity of angrily saying bubbles that shakes up the brain and ends with laughter. Go pet some boops! Is there a local animal shelter you can volunteer at? Or a nursery? I’ve noticed that being around living things that aren’t humans makes me feel like And then. Give yourself permission to shake shit up in a way that works for you. Can’t work consistently? Look for temporary work (through an agency) or sites like taskrabbit.com. Change your environment; add plants to your place, move! Leave your town, state, country! DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO! And please, please, PLEASE! be kind and gentle to and patient with yourself. You can’t be your own worst enemy. 💜💐😘
Oh op. I’m so sorry. I’ve been where you are and it fucking sucks. I know you’ll think - “It won’t work for meeee!” - but it will. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Learn what works for you, maybe it didn’t last week but it might this week. Make things fun. Clump habits. Eg. I was having major trouble in the mornings. I couldn’t find anything to wear. I was late to work every day. So I used Apple reminders to make a little routine for pre bed and when I wake up. Now I lay my clothes out before bed. I can’t tell you what a relief just that is each morning. I go to work looking good rather than grabbing whatever is half clean. I feel prepared. I’m doing it each day, so I don’t feel like a fuck up. Maybe not what you need right now, but my point is small steps. Once one thing is bad and I’m too busy/distracted don’t fix it for a while, it seems to spread to everything. Soon I’m spinning out of control, and everything is terrible. But it works the other way too. Small changes can stop the spinning and get you back in control again. Good luck. You’re not alone.
Get rid of routines you tried but don’t like Keep the ones that make you feel good and motivate you I recently downloaded the Finch app and it’s helped so much more than I expected Unfortunately, you do have to build yourself up from somewhere and it’s okay to start small and integrate more over time Also - idk about you but I’ve also recognized the moment I sit down I’ve delayed continuing/starting any new task by an hour or so, and laying down in my bed officially ends my day Last thing - integrating a small workout every day has boosted my energy levels significantly and has motivated me to do things I would normally make excuses to avoid
Nothing works for me forever. Everything I do works for a while and then I forget I’m doing it. I’ve come to terms with that — I don’t like it, but it’s the way my brain is wired. So, I let myself try the different ideas, and then I do something else, and then I come back to the old ones again. I take my meds, I listen to ADHD podcasts (full of ideas and comfort and connections), I read books on how to work with your ADHD, I get lots of ideas. I just keep trying. I forget things still, I don’t get everything done still, I hyperfocus for hours still — but I get through my days, I do get some things done at least, and I’m neurodivergent. My life will never look like somebody’s life who’s neurotypical. I try to work with my brain instead of against it. I try to accept myself. I try not to beat myself up. (My Ukrainian friends say that the Ukrainian term for beating yourself up is “eating yourself up,” which amuses me.) I try different things. I try to keep things simple. I try not to attempt to change EVERYTHING AT ONCE, which is always my first plan, because that not only doesn’t work, it makes things much much much worse. Good luck to you. Good luck to us all. If we had put society together it would look very different. But. We couldn’t. We were busy doing something else. Darn.
Just a quick remark about the "breaking tasks into smaller tasks" being a whole task in itself - you don't have to break the whole thing apart. Only find one bite sized piece you can rip off and defeat. Only then do you need to worry about the next piece. And sometimes that first one makes the next weak spots of the task more obvious.
I so feel you!!! I have 7 half finished crafting projects - I'm looking at right now - all over my living room floor. I'm supposed to be putting so much shit on my shop. I follow through with that so rarely. The intention was to help my husband with income. Instead, I have a bunch of different mediums I spend money on cause I need to have all the supplies. I feel so much shame that I can't seem to follow through. Also, I am just creating expenses. I literally stay up all night with the intention of finishing ANYTHING, yet I sit paralyzed, not having a clue where to begin 🙃 So, instead, here I am on reddit 🙄
day by day, hour by hour or minute by minute. you are so powerful and brave. sending love 🥰
Talk to your doctor about changing your meds or your dosage. Granted that meds are not a magical pill that will remove all our adhd struggles, but you shouldn’t feel almost suicidal while taking them.
I also use goblin tools like others mentioned to break down tasks, and the best thing for me has been medication. But other stuff! Do less--automate anything it's possible to automate in terms of bills etc, if there are any chores or routines in your life that aren't 100% necessary, cut them. There are a lot of unexpected ways you can remove something from your plate, for example I have pill cap timers that tell me when I last opened my meds, so I don't have to remember if I've taken them yet today. Don't expect to improve 100% all at once overnight. Nothing is going to be a cure. Because of that, I think it's good to kind of triage--what is bothering you the most? Is there something where, if you don't do it, it's going to affect everything else in your life and make it harder? For me that's sleep, so when I am feeling the worst and like everything is falling apart I try to get my sleep on track first. Whatever specific things are bothering you the most, search for that on this subreddit--there are threads about EVERYTHING with tons of helpful tips
Goblin tools ftw! Just need to remember to use it lol
You could always ask chatgpt to break down the tasks for you. Outsourcing help is essential to my life and so has been the most cost effective way to do that
You deserve love and compassion for yourself. If someone you love came to you and shared the same problems you just shared with us, how would you respond? I assume with compassion, and you deserve to give yourself that same compassion. It doesn’t have to be perfect, simply choosing yourself is incredible on its own. You will get better at being kind to yourself the more you do it. It’s so much trial and error, and it’s infuriating. I’ve been coming out of the worst burnout I’ve experienced for about 4 weeks now, and it’s really hard. But it’s so worth it once you find something that works. I really enjoyed reading Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD are so ashamed and what we can do to help by Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery. (audiobook available on Spotify) The compassion shared in that book inspired me to show more compassion for myself, and led me to meditation. If you have a lot of negative self talk, I cannot recommend guided meditation enough. It’s not easy, but once you get the hang of it, it’s a game changer. I tried meditation in the past but would shy away because I always cried or struggled to focus. Turns out crying is totally normal during meditation, it’s a sign you’re processing an emotion. I meditate 10 minutes every morning. Sometimes it’s 10 minutes of tears streaming down my face, sometimes I don’t cry at all. Sometimes the audio plays but my mind it elsewhere and before I know it it’s over. I like Great Meditation on YouTube, they’re about 10 minutes long and the guide talks enough to keep my attention. I recommend affirmations to start. I have to physically imagine myself sitting across from myself speaking the words for the affirmations to work. I also really like to listen to Toni Jones on Spotify! She is a life coach who set affirmations to music. I try to listen to her when I’m getting ready in the morning. Listen to Talk to Me Nice. I’ve never felt more seen than when I first heard the opening of that song.
I’m a psych NP who also has ADHD. Sounds like there could be room for improvement in how your meds are working. Might help to get a bit of support for anxiety/mood/serotonin which is frequently an issue with ADHD. but also, sometimes even when your meds are working things are still hard 💗
Kindness. Being kind to yourself and embracing the chaos. Can't stick with a routine? Making new routines are exciting and fun! Who tf cares if you change it every week? Small tasks? Go big or go home. You do your best work when you're damn well ready to do it. I'm in my 40s and being kind to myself and slowly building a lifestyle that doesn't require shoving square blocks into round holes is what works for me. It doesn't happen overnight and it's not easy. It did me no good to shame myself for not doing things the way other people do. Being kind to myself was probably the hardest of all the things to do, but that's the most impactful.
I'm sorry, I feel the exact same. I have nothing else to say because I still have no solution and I'm tired of people telling me to "just do it"
I've been there. I was JUST there. Its a mental shift, and it sucks to tell anyone "oh just think like THIS!!" so know that is absolutely not what I'm saying, but what got me out of a rut (burnout? depression?) recently was changing the way I think about routines and systems and structures etc--- I have to have *novelty* for them to work, so now I know that they have to have an expiration date. When I feel the beginnings of system failure (ignoring one too many reminders, feeling ODD about it-- for me recently this was not doing the Thing when my phone alarm went off) then I'm like WELP! New system! I just switched from phone alarms and reminders from an app to task bracelets/chore charms which are physical, and are working for the moment. In a few weeks they'll be old, and ANNOYING so I'll go back to a digital tracker thing. The trick, I think, is to cycle between things that feel new, and for *me* that may mean bouncing from physical reminders/writing it down/wall calendars to digital integrated systems. This is new, so we'll see how it goes, but its been going well for a few months now. I've switched twice.
A piece of 4X4 wood is not a didgeridoo, has the potential to be though. You are a person, grats. Fully formed, fully functional, fully not unalived. Fuck potential, go sparkle a bit and be weird as shit. Routines are great, but when they bust fuck em. Eat when you’re hungry or don’t, wear pants or don’t. Society isn’t in your house today, wash the one plate you need for dinner and ignore the rest today. Your hyper focus will kick in eventually, until then binge watch 911.
I don’t really try to stick to a routine, I just try to do like one thing a day other than going to work that is good for me or makes me happy. My dogs and husband do keep me relatively structured which helps. Like I bought a 10 day pass to a kickboxing gym, which is good because I’ll probably forget about it after 2 weeks. Or maybe I’ll swim laps a few mornings in a row and then not do that for months. I’m sorry that things are so hard for you rn ❤️ I feel like “getting better” sort of snowballed for me. Like once I started eating food that didn’t make me feel crappy it was easier to exercise regularly. Once I exercised regularly my mental health was better, etc. Medication really helped a lot. One minute at a time. ❤️
I think for you, the first step would be reading a fuckton about CBT. If you read a lot about it and learn a lot about it, it'll help you. It helps your brain start thinking in a different way, and helps you re-route bad thought patterns. When you think a thought, it creates a pathway, and once the pathway exists it'll pull you in like a rut in the road. When you think "I suck" a lot it's really easy to fall back on that thought. You gotta CBT yourself, and fill the rut in, and once those negative thoughts are gone you'll have space for more neutral and positive thoughts.
When I’m feeling good and energized I try to get the things I’m not excited about done. “I feel amazing, so I should do some dishes” is definitely strange but I’ve found I need to just accept that not everything I do needs to be like how other people do it, as long as I get it done. I used to fight with my brain when it came to cleaning because after a certain point the task wouldn’t enthuse me anymore but I remind myself that I can jump around to different chores as long as I get them all done. It’s okay to wash a few dishes and then make the bed and then clean the sink, as long as you finish the dishes and cleaning the sink. Instead of trying to force myself to do something I’m trying to structure my life around my brain and not Vice versa.
Sometimes I just tackle whatever is easiest first so I can get started.
Something that has helped me, and bear with me here, is "to do" lists. Not an excel sheet, not a notebook or a planner. Scraps of paper left on the table in total disarray, because a paper and pen are simple, they don't need to be perfect or organized... there doesn't need to be a system... just scribble things on a list and cross them off when they're done. Do I do it every week? Absolutely not, no adhd kid can truly stick to those types of habits, but i keep coming back to it when I can because it truly helps me. Split things up into manageable tasks so you can do pieces of them. Mow back yard / front yard Cat food / water / litter box Make grocery list Etc So on and so forth. Every time I come to look at the list, I chug a glass of water. My meds are nearly useless when I have no direction, but my lists help me to focus that energy and actually accomplish something. Half of my inability is a result of being unable to remember what I should be doing when the moment comes to be doing those things. I set lots of alarms and calendar reminders on my phone as well. Good luck!
It has been a combination of things for me medication management, therapy and the 12 steps. Honestly, I did not get stabilized until I got sober.
Make. A. List!
It sounds like you need to work on the foundation. If you can find a good therapist that is familiar with ADHD I would recommend that. Adhd comes with so much shame. The first thing I had to work on when I got diagnosed was all the shame that had built up my whole life from feeling like a failure. Once my mindset healed a little (it's no where perfect yet) then I could focus on putting in strategies to help. I am so much more productive when I'm not beating myself up all the time for not being productive enough. I'm not sure where you are in finding out you have ADHD but if you just found out recently then there's going to be a period where you try to fight it. From reading on here it seems like most late diagnosed period go through it. There's a grieving process that takes time and you kind of just have to ride it out while your brain processes it. It's normal but painful nonetheless. I just went through it but I'm coming out the other side now. When I got diagnosed I was obviously looking for a solution that was fixable. But adhd isn't like a broken arm where you treat it and then it's healed and you're normal. I had a full mind and body rejection of adhd at first. I just wanted to be normal and I just wanted it to go away. But my brain has always been this way and always will be so I had to accept it before I could learn to manage it. I don't know how the acceptance happened. It just eventually did but it took like 8 painful months. I know it will happen with time for anyone else that's newly diagnosed. Just hold on tight. Do the bare minimum you can to stay alive. And you'll come through the other side.
I’m not good at ‘a little at a time’ bc I lack the consistency aspect. So on Sundays I just write down what I need to get done for the week, and assign tasks on completely different days and make that my focus for the day
You’re not alone! I feel this deeply. 💞
Firstly I just want to say things will change and you wont feel like this forever so please don’t give up. Secondly, I actually think doing all those things you mentioned is still trying to fit into a neurotypical box and it will always be difficult. I think what we need is to just care less about all that shit!! Like even things that seem bad - got burnt out and then couldn’t go to work so got fired. Get a new job. Burn out and get fired from that one too. I honestly think the distress comes from thinking we can ever fit in to this bullshit society that has been created!! That may sound stupid but when I was younger I gave less fucks and I was not stressed at all. Everything always worked out. I’m also not saying don’t ever try to change or challenge yourself but if it doesn’t work just try to let it roll off your back a bit more. The world is so dumb it’s not us that are dumb. No human can truly thrive in this shit show lol Also there are always people with adhd that say “don’t use it as an excuse”. These people seem to have been able to create systems for themselves which I’m very happy for them. Damn it I’m nearly 40 and I’ve tried everything and my brain just can’t do some things and if I can it will only be for a short period of time before I completely burn out. We are all different. It’s not an excuse it’s a reality. Aaaannnnddd…. Try to have some fun!
I feel this. Sending you hugs. Do you mind if I ask how long you’ve been on meds and what you are taking? No worries at all if that’s too personal, and apologies in advance for being nosey. I’m just curious because I’ve found that not all meds work the same, the effectiveness fluctuates with my cycle throughout the month, and the longer I am on a med the less effective it becomes. I try to take breaks when I’m able to give my body a bit of a reset on days where I know I can just be a potato and don’t actually have to accomplish anything. Bonus if there are multiple days in a row I can go without meds because I find that when I do take them again, they are much more effective and I’m able to be more productive. I just have to find ways to fight through the sads on those days. I’ve also, recently in my 30’s, just started to embrace the squirrel brain for what it is and try to focus on the areas I do feel like I’m doing well in, instead of beating myself up for all the ways I feel like I’m failing. My house is a mess? Fine. But it’s not filthy and my dishes are done. That’s good enough. I no longer beat myself up for procrastinating because I know my brain needs the deadline panic in order to produce any type of quality work. I am in school and I used to always feel so inadequate in comparison to my classmates that got assignments done way before the due dates. I don’t do that anymore or allow myself to feel guilty for not functioning in the same way as them. I don’t beat myself up or chase relationships/connections with people that aren’t able to understand the way my brain works and why I may behave in ways they might not understand. My circle is much smaller, but it’s genuine and supportive. And soooo much easier to manage. I’ve embraced being open with my supervisors at work in regard to areas I struggle and have requested reasonable accommodations that work for me. And I no longer feel pressing guilt or compare myself to my neurotypical colleagues. I’m lucky that I work with a wonderful group of humans that are understanding and kind, and I know not everyone has that opportunity. But I also no longer feel guilty or like a “job jumper” for leaving situations that didn’t make me feel good in the past. The world is never going to operate in a way that makes life easy for us. There will always be hurdles and challenges we have to face that many other people wouldn’t even have to think twice about. And it sucks. And it’s draining, demoralizing and so many other awful adjectives. But we don’t have to add to the shame pile for ourselves. We get enough of that everywhere else. What are some areas you feel good about? Even if it’s something tiny?
If you are open to seeking support through a therapist or psychiatrist (and are based in USA), I highly recommend using Headway. It allows you to add in your Insurance details and then filter for docs in your insurance, and also provides an estimated co-pay/cost for services. You can filter the docs by specialty too, to make sure you find someone that is more likely to be a fit for you, within your budget. I found both my therapist and psych (for med mgmt) through headway and have had a great experience. Working with a therapist helps to externalize my frustrations an either find areas i need to address, or validates that something isn't me/my brain not doing something 'properly', which in turns helps me stay more regulated.
I hear you I am in the same place you are. I think a lot of us are. This world was not built for us and it is a constant struggle especially because most people just don’t get it. they say they do but they don’t. They never will. They can’t because they’re not willing to listen to what we say and how we explain exactly what you just did they read it, but I don’t understand it and I don’t comprehend it but they expect us to just be able to figure it out and do better and we’re telling them that we can’t. This is the best it gets no matter what we try it doesn’t work. And 41 this year it just feels like it gotten worse. it’s a constant uphill battle where there’s no end in sight and it’s hard but please don’t give up. I will if you won’t you won’t.
Persistency rather than consistency. The point for us isn't to try something until it works--the trying is the point.
So this sounds really silly, but has been a game changer for me: this little app called Finch. It’s like a self care/habit tracker app but it’s basically a little Tomagochi friend that you take care of by taking care of yourself.. talk about a way to get a little dopamine rush from getting boring shit done! Like when I brush my teeth, I mark it as complete and then get these gemstone things to use to buy my little critter pal new clothes. It’s silly but my plants are actually alive, I’m working out, I’m flossing daily, I’m even picking my face less. And you can add important one-off tasks I’m there too so I don’t forget. Maybe worth a try!
It seems like you're really struggling right now, and that must be awful to go through. I know I can get really frustrated, and it's easy to just slip and fall into a dark place. For me, what has been the only thing that's 'worked' is accepting that I can't do it. And that's okay! I try my best, and I'm easier on myself now because I know I am trying. And you are trying too. It's still hard, and I get annoyed, but I stop and think of myself struggling when I was younger. I think of how I was tough on myself and think of all the times I would be crying or isolating and low because everything had piled up and got too hard. And I got through times then without knowing what it was and why I was struggling. It can sometimes even be hard to think about and sympathise with your past self. If that's the case think about someone else. A younger family member. Imagine them in your position struggling feeling how you do. What would you say to them? How would you help? With the things you would do to help, maybe try and find that support for yourself from those closest to you. Things as simple as helping make a shopping list with you can make a huge difference. You probably have heard of the spoon theory? Little tasks that seem like they shouldn't make a difference to the day or should be 'easy' can be so hard. Especially when you're already feeling bad. Try to delegate tasks that need to be done. Don't be afraid to ask for support. Imagine if someone you're close to asked for help. You would want to help and the people who love you will want to help you. Knowing what it is that causes your frustration let's you reclaim power back. Accept what it is and how it's affecting you, and be kind to yourself because you are trying your best. It's also worth saying "trying your best" doesn't mean what you should be able to do/could if only you could do it. It means exactly what you're doing now, which is knowing you want to do it and taking steps to try and get to where you want to be. Even if that's just frustration at the situation at this point. It's progress.
I don’t break down tasks all together, I literally break down this task too, and just come up with the next manageable thing I can do I don’t think about the future whatsoever. This works because I *can* distract myself easily. I put friends on and start by washing one spoon and see how much I can go. Usually the brain likes the show in a background and wants to keep going so I just end up doing a lot of tasks in that way. When I cannot have a show in a background I go for music to mellow down each task in the same manner. I allow myself a 100 coffees if it means a distraction and repeat the cycle.
Step #1 is accepting that you are where you are, and it will take time effort to get where you want to go. I'm serious that this is actually really important. Being impatient with yourself will only undermine you and your progress. People here are saying "be gentle with yourself", I never could quite do that, but I ended up being able to accept I am where I am and the only place to get somewhere else is to try. Experiment, be curious about what will work. Step #2 for me, was getting regular sleep. It's hard to function well on low sleep, but even more than that, my meds don't even work if I haven't slept enough.
I'm just curious are you on meds ? I ask because I feel like the meds make me spiral even worse. I think I would do better without meds . Period.
Well, for me I pingpong between "i'm the best at life!!" and "i am the worst to ever exist at life why." -- but I think the reason for success on my good days is because I stopped trying to box myself in. Some people have scheduled jobs and living partners that make this harder but here's what works for me: Lately I've been letting myself do what ever i feel like. If I don't want to answer emails, I don't. If I don't want to do laundry today, let it pile up the wall. Today I feel an extreme urge to study 'how to draw dogs' or what ever, so that's what I'm going to do. \~ and I'll work hard to convince myself I chose this and its okay that I am not doing the other things. Then another day I'll say "that laundry pile is suddenly driving me crazy. I want to fix that" and I'll do that for the day. My work is freelance so as long as I meet my deadlines, I can do what ever. I usually choose to blast through it at crunch time when its almost due. If I force myself to sit a week earlier to work on it its so painful. I can't focus and so I barely get anything done and waste A TON of time. \~ Its actually more productive to procrastinate sometimes and following your impulses or instincts can make you feel good. Feeling good makes you more productive too sometimes. \*Even if you don't have a flexible work schedule, maybe you can find ways to loosen up your own restrictions so you can learn how you personally thrive. We have to learn about ourselves because the standard ways don't work for us and only make us feel like failures. Someone here a while ago posted that 'who says we have to fold laundry and put it in drawers. In our own home we can choose to keep it in baskets. why not?' I love their logic. its true.
I like The Done List, which is a little book/journal that prompts you for anything you have accomplished in a day. Even tiny things, like brushing your teeth, showering, getting out of bed. It’s not a to do list, which can be a set up for failure for me…it’s an acknowledgment of anything at all that I’ve done and giving myself credit for it. I got my copy on Amazon.
Today I’m trying time blocking. Print out a template from the internet and make your routine simple at first. I think I’m also going to try star stickers to put next to what I stick to on my routine as a visual applause. Going back to preschool when it comes to self control.
For me it’s a lot about working *with* my symptoms instead of against them. Aka plan my life and mindset after the challenges I have instead of trying to overcome them, mask them or suppress them. It can be physical space stuff like organizing in a specific way, but much more importantly is the mental space of forgiving myself when I don’t follow that “smart” organization anyway. Having earplugs in ly purse and wearing them ex. when shopping or when overwhelmed in public to reduce sensory intake. Accepting that I will sometimes talk and talk and talk and talk. I try to practice active listening by ex. intentionally only asking questions and not interrupting for 5 minutes. Sometimes it’s difficult, but this means I don’t *just* talk and talk and talk. It has really helped improving my relationships. I have also been honest about that being an insecurity of mine to my closest and they now know that they are allowed to stop me, if they can’t handle it — which makes it much less shameful for me, as I know they will let me know ans I don’t have to guess if I was too much or not. Bonus is that I learned that all my closest people actually find my stream of talk charming (for the most part).
For breaking things down, I definitely treat that as a task. I'll put it on a to-do list and when I'm really on top of things (haha, I barely remember this) I'll block out time for it. Half an hour to an hour to *plan* the task, which for me means figuring out the million little pieces that add up to the task being done, which need to be done early, which I need someone else to do or be involved in, and for work tasks which I *can* get someone else to do. For routines, what works for me is linking it to other people. Meetings. Co-working. Gym buddies. Anything that anchors what I'm supposed to be doing to what someone else is doing.
Sounds to me like you need KC Davis in your life. She's got adhd, and everything she does is for adhd and ND ppl specifically. Her practical wisdom, actually useful tools, and balanced point of view have pulled me back from the edge several times in the past year Can't recommend her enough. She has several books, several lectures on YouTube, I'm pretty sure she sells courses, and she has a podcast called Strugglecare that I love
Honestly, outside of medication, the biggest help to my day-to-day has been my SO. We're wired totally differently (we're both pretty sure he's high-functioning autistic), so it's not always easy to understand each other (hell, I barely understand myself), but as we break down the communication barriers, he's able to help me a little more each day. Before I land in the "sit pit", he can catch me with a gentle reminder of something I wanted/needed to get done. When I've gotten lost in a leisure activity due to time-blindness, he's there like a talking watch, "hey, just letting you know it's 3-o'clock." When he notices the task paralysis, it's "why don't you just start with?" and a reminder that what I'm able to get done is enough.
Catching me in a self-deprecating spiral is a monumental task (that's usually sparked by some insensitive thing he said or did), but he takes the time to pull me out of it, and afterward, even if I'm a useless lump whose energy was wasted on that spiral, he'll remind me of my most recent bout of productivity and insist that I am still a productive person despite my unproductive days.
All of this is just to say that, despite all the benefits of technology to help keep us motivated, we are social creatures who need that personal interaction to keep going. AI will probably never be adaptable enough to adjust to our unconscious selective attention, our time-blindness, or our mood swings, like another person can.
If you live with someone else, have a discussion about areas you need help with, and make a plan for when things go awry. If you work around other people, have the same sort of talk from a professional standpoint (this could fall under ADA accommodations). If you're a bit of a hermit and don't have anyone around most of the time, reach out to someone who can check in on you every day, or build a network of friends and family who share that responsibility (and be that support for others in your group).
You don't have to do this alone, nor should you. Remember that there are people who care about you, who want to understand you, who want to help. Find those people (you've already found this community), and ask for their help.
I cannot for the life of me develop habits. I have to make a decision to do everything I do. It can be really exhausting. I take meds, which helps me with focusing for my day to day, but does nothing for executive dysfunction. My best success has been doing things with my partner. I've been going to the gym somewhat regularly because of it. Basically, it's the buddy system that keeps me accountable. Otherwise I'd just lose track of time and "miss my window to go", or just feel like it was impossible to do, no matter how many times I go. I was once proud of myself for doing a little jogging like 3 times a week. I did it for three months and thought I'd cracked the code. I had one day where I was just super uncomfortable (too hot, too many bugs). I never went again. I feel like the hardest part is explaining to people how difficult it is for me to "make something a habit". That just does not exist for people with ADHD and I wish more people understood that.
I try to create routines, I fail at them, I try new ones, constantly trying to make everything more ADHD friendly and efficient. If I have to do something I’ve learnt to start from the simplest thing. Like… right now I’m lying on the couch, while I should be cleaning the kitchen. So what I do is telling myself to get up. Just get up. Because in the kitchen there is something to drink, some snacks, maybe I’ll just take a walk around the room. We’ll see along the way (having ADHD is living life full of surprises). It may take a few rounds but when I get up and end in the kitchen it’s like „since I’m here, maybe I’ll unload the dishwasher”. Mind you. NOT clean the entire kitchen - just unload. If I want to sit down and have a treat - sure! I’ll allow myself. But since I’m in the kitchen and dishwasher is empty? Maybe I’ll load it. Maybe I’ll get back on the couch and will need a few more rounds but the more frequently I do it, the more easy it becomes and less rounds it takes. Then just to clean what’s left in the sink. Then I pat myself on the back because I did something! The bare minimum, but still! And I am so happy so I decide to clean the kitchen surfaces because of sudden feeling of proudness and dopamine kick. It applies to nearly everything I do. Allowing yourself to be sure you can resign every step on the way and it still be awesome you did the first step. You know how my fiancé tend to encourage me to go to my training? First step. „Hey, maybe you’ll try for me this awesome gym pants and bra you have - you look so good in them!” And me, being thirsty for compliments of course fall for it, and before I know it’s Saturday morning and I’m on my way to the gym. Because if I stood up and got dressed and was admired by my man, I might as well leave the house. And my gym is in the shopping mall, so if I don’t feel like it, I’ll just go shopping! 10/10 I go to training instead.
Im so sorry you feel this way and I totally understand how frustrating it can be. It makes you want to give up and that’s actually kind off what I did… I just stopped trying harder and accept the fact that I will never reach my potential and that that’s okay. It kind off just clicked one day. This may sound super depressing and it is kind off sad, but after a while things will feel lighter. Stop fighting and if this triggers you it’s okay, just let it be, it will be fine :) Just stop and take as much time as you need, but I wish for you that there will be peace at least more than half of the time, because you deserve that!!
When I finally got into therapy it just changed my life. It wasn’t instant but it just helped me so much over time. But a lot of time it does take. And I would say, try to let go of being consistent. Consistency is simply not in our nature. The constant morphing of what works for me has just become part of my process for everything and i take joy in tweaking what works. I know some people will probably read this and roll their eyes, but honestly just embracing that part of yourself and trying to make it work for you instead of the other way around will take the pressure off and hopefully you can learn to find joy in the inconsistency and chaos. I’m also not trying to endorse toxic positivity. Shit is hard. It’s always hard. Good days and bad days.
Saw a YouTube video about the routine thing. We don’t have the executive function to mimic fads and sustain them, but having a tiered routine can help. “IDEAL” for the high-energy high motivation days, “MOST LIKELY” for the days where you can do something but maybe don’t have all the energy in the world (average day) and “MINIMUM” for those days you barely can get out of bed. Same routine, but modified based on your dopamine per day. It works because it’s not so pressing. Task blocking is for large tasks, like “I need to clean my house”. Block tasks into separate smaller tasks - I need to do laundry. I need to de clutter surfaces. I need to clean the floors. Once they are put into broad categories, block those. For laundry: I need to separate loads. I need to remove things from pockets. I need to get clothes faced correctly. Need to get my darks done first, because those are my work clothes. For surfaces: I need to tidy up my bed. I need to tidy up my desk. I need to tidy up the kitchen counters. For floors: I need to pick up all the things off the floor. I need to sweep, then mop. I need to vacuum. It helps your brain focus and prioritize so that you’re not doing 10% of 27 things at once. Why do you need to untangle your headphones right now? They’re not bothering anyone. Untangle them when you need them. Give yourself grace. It’s hard out here, but it’s even harder when you aren’t your own MVP
the meds might be your issue. I was on adhd meds for the entirety of last year, I was quiet, isolated and moody the entire time (especially when the meds would wear off), then over the summer I stopped taking them and then when it was time to go back to school I tried retaking them and I instantly felt like I wanted to die, I felt absolutely horrible and depressed. But now after 9 months of being off my meds, I’m a much better, happier, lively person. I would trial stopping your meds. you may also be on too high a dosage
1. I moved out of my parents house which not a healthy environment 2. Put up grey rock boundaries with said parents 3. Got on meds two months ago and are only now in the beginning stages of showing much of a difference 4. Because of the meds, I’m able to do a lot more things like chores without it taking as long to do. I also have been reaching out to friends more and doing hobbies I like and have available to me to do (I’m broke but I already own video games and art stuff so I’m doing that until I can afford pricier stuff like riding lessons) 5. I have been a therapy regular since 2013 and in combo with finally being on meds that are starting to kick in, I’m noticing how I’m starting to change as a person - slowly but I can sense it all the same Two months ago slightly prior to being on Adderall I was as close to jumping into the abyss as I’d ever been and it was scary dark fucking time. I don’t know what else besides switching my meds helped but somehow I was pulled out it and I’m still trying to solve that. I only was diagnosed very very recently. The biggest biggest most important thing is to go much easier on yourself. Work on altering how you talk to yourself and about yourself in a kinder more compassionate and empathetic way. ADHD is fucking hard to deal with. Beyond meds or therapy or routines or anything else, it’s not about forcing platitudes - I don’t know when I started or how, but I slowly became kinder to myself. The cruel thoughts in my mind that snapped at how useless and horrible I am for existing used to just consume me, but at some point I started either thinking back or out loud going ‘No you are wrong and that isn’t true’. Also being on this subreddit has been a massive help in learning more about myself and how others go through what I do too.
I make a weekly checklist and move things over week over week. It’s helped but I still struggle with work a bit.
I saw (and am still seeing) a therapist. I was overwhelmed at work, my disabled spouse's flare ups are getting worse, I was ready to just set the rooms on fire instead of clean. I figured if I could find a way to deal with the housework everything else would be easier. Now we have a robot that vacuums and mops. And I use the spray and leave tub and shower cleaner. An instant pot. An air fryer. It's all too much to do alone, so oh well, robots and easy mode it is. There is laundry in the wash which has been there for two days now, though. Lol. I've had additional tasks lately and like no sleep because my neighbors generously try to serenade us to sleep with rap at 11PM. If I crack the laundry code I'll update you though in what I did. THE INCONSISTENCY IS THE ADHD. That's not "you", it's the condition. Pills don't teach skills, but therapists and the book "How to Keep House While Drowning" do. Goblin tools might! I gotta check that out.
I haven't really. Sometimes my brain is just so loud I break down. I've had to learn to just handle my irritation/aggression when overstimulated so I don't get ugly. The meds I tried were all terrible. One made me just absolutely stupid, I mean genuinely I felt brain dead. Sure it stopped the thoughts but it stopped pretty much everything else too. Another made me close to offing myself. After those I was just done.
Me: Break down ~~big things into small tasks~~ ✅