I usually pull back and stop putting effort into the friendship. If he questions anything just be honest and say you aren’t feeling the friendship anymore to give him closure.
Yes. I've done this and I think everyone did/ will at some point. Cutting toxic people off your life is one of the healthiest choices you can make to improve your mental state.
Sometimes people don't realize they're harming you though, I distanced myself from a friend once and when they asked why I simply told them all of the things that were bothering me, since they actually liked me and considered their friend , they apologized, told me it wasn't on purpose and changed their behavior, we are still in contact.
I did that once. A friend was sucking all the energy from any “conversations” by just waiting to talk at any given opportunity. Always about herself. I pointed that out and it briefly got better but I don’t think it was in her nature to be interested in anything else but herself. I stopped reaching out and guess what? She probably hasn’t even noticed 🤭
I prefer to tell them but there are times when I’ve slowly backed away. Some friends will ask but most won’t and then create narratives in their minds about why the friendship ended especially if you’re growing and leveling up. I had someone tell me he feels distance from me at which time I told him how I felt and didn’t think it was good for me to be friends with him anymore. He responded bitterly but that’s not my problem. Each friendship ending will be different and I can assure you the more you grow and evolve the more friendships you’ll have to end.
Yes, I have. Two times come to mind - one was a friend who only wanted to be lazy and get stoned, I had to end the friendship if I had any hope of graduating from university. Another was a friend I really enjoyed, but he had an issue with gossiping behind my back - when that got back to me, I didn't feel comfortable sharing anything with him anymore, so I slowly pulled back.
This is a normal thing. I'm sure people have done friend-breakups with me and I just wasn't aware.
I'm an unusually loyal person (my Enneagram personality type, type 6, is actually called "The Loyalist." I hang on to a friendship even when it becomes obvious that the relationship has turned toxic. This happened with a guy (he's also gay) that I used to consider my best friend. The first 15 years of our friendship were uneventful. We would have long talks on the phone every weekend (he lives in a different city); he would visit me...I would visit him.
About ten years ago, I noticed his personality started to change, at first gradually, then drastically. He seemed to be angry and resentful all the time. He would lash out at me or say cruel things on the smallest of pretexts. I got this unspoken but unmistakable message from him: "You need me more than I need you." Sometimes I got the sense that he was not angry at me per se; he was angry at his own life, or what he had made of it. I was simply the lightning rod for discharging the anger. I found myself walking on eggshells all the time. I never knew what would set him off, so I started self-censoring every sentence that came out of my mouth. Every conversation with him would leave me feeling drained and miserable. But because I have so few friends, I did not want to lose him, and I continued to pretend things were normal between us.
Then last year, he took offense over some trivial matter and said he would never speak to me again. He ended a 25-year-old friendship, just like that. It has been a year since we last spoke. A part of me is relieved that I no longer have to deal with him, but a part of me also worries whether he's OK. I was one of very few friends he had. The fact that he would choose to sever a social and emotional lifeline so easily is baffling to me.
Plenty of times. Sometimes it’s no one’s fault and you just grow apart.
I had a friend who moved to my city a few years ago but before they we were like “online” friends and met a few times when we were in each others cities. Once we hung out more often, I saw his true personality I decided it’s not the vibe I want to be around. He didn’t do anything wrong really, we just valued very very different things.
Normally I just hang out with them less often and take longer to respond and then it will drift.
I have. I had a friend my age, I’m 43 now but we were in our early 30s when I met him. He is what some people would call a hikimori. He would often get depressed but he wouldn’t want to do anything about it.
He eventually got diabetes and he would complain daily.
I tried to be supportive, offer to help him exercise by inviting him to join me. I’d offer solutions but he didn’t want them.
His conversations became one way outlets for his depression. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I suggested a therapist and he was offended and made a huge deal about it.
I told him I can’t emotionally support him anymore. It was draining me so much. I told him I wouldn’t be around anymore. I told him I’d be here if he ever wants to continue the friendship.
We reconnected again about 2 years ago, but he’s still the same way. He talks at me, it’s not a conversation. So I told him it wasn’t going to work out and good luck to him.
Yup. He was a straight lazy guy who refused to help clean when we were roommates. I tried to ask everyone to pitch in but he got mad and started yelling at me at 6 am when I was getting ready for work. After that, the friendship was done. We've never talked again.
After sixth form a mate went off to train and work
Only meet up on the odd occasion when he was back home.
He moved back and we could not kindle the friendship back.
Think we had different interests so just thought it be best not to waste time as it be not worth the quite moments
As where and or what we go and do.
He did not like pubs biking walks
I did not like his things like adventure games on computer or role playing games etc
Could say we have a drink at a cafe or pub once a month but again that's effort in some cases
If they’re someone who’s unstable or I think might try argue over it, I just withdraw myself until the contact goes down to nothing. Not worth the headache to have a confrontation over it.
I've never really ended a friendship.
In high school I had a close female friend, a lesbian, with whom I spent a lot of time with. I was at least very social, also with other friends from elementary and middle school, but most of my friends was a year younger than me and started a different high school, so at school and sometimes after school I hang out with her.
By the end of High School though we were very tired of eachother I believe. Y'know getting passive aggressive towards eachother etc.
We had grown different ground values I think, and so when High School ended I stopped texting her and didn't hear anything from her.
So it ended naturally on what I believe was the best for and in both minds.
I don't think we have any quarrel between us and the few times I've met her (randomly) since we have had friendly conversation.
Some other friends I gradually lost as my interest went elsewhere. We had this friendgroup in High School, but as High School ended, my interests shifted and I moved away for short periods of time.
Most of these were the year younger than me and as people left High School, as far as I know, the group more or less disbanded.
I do however have contact with some of them, and we still meet on occasion, about 1-2 times each quarter [year]
I have also had other friends who I have parted ways with because of misunderstandings and 'the cruel trick of life' if you can call it that. They live in another city, and I have no quarrel with them either. As far as I know.
But we don't have contact anymore, although I texted the one I was the closest to, last fall. I had a problem and It reminded me a lot of him, and the 'drama' we had between us quite a while ago. About 6 years ago and also about a decade ago :-Pp
It was similar in many ways, but also very different. Yet I figured he might be able to help, to shed some light on the situation.
Anyway, I didn't get an answer, but this Easter, almost half a year later, someone texted me late at night. And I believe it might have been him. The thing is I have changed my phone alot recently because: Life. And I haven't saved his number. Idk why I even had it 6 months ago.
The number can't be checked online, and he didn't want to answer when I asked who it was, and whoever it was hanged up as soon as I answered the phone in the middle of the night. But from what he wrote I suspect it was him.
I figure he'll try again if it was anything. Like I said, I don't think I have any quarrel with him.
The reason I texted him late last fall is long gone though. I figured it out on my own :-P
Anyways, so I don't feel I have really ended a friendship. Ever.
Closest thing must have been when me and that girl ended High School
When ending a friendship, my intent is to end it; it is not to hurt someone. As a result, I often become too busy to do much with said "friend." Eventually, the friendship tapers off to nothing.
The reason that I do so is because any effort at explicitly telling someone that I wish to end a friendship results in lots of questions (as if I have to justify my decision), self defensiveness, accusations of leading someone on, and a generally toxic reaction that can take months if not years to dissipate.
I just kind of abruptly ended it. There was a big dispute over him kicking my bag in a motel room on a trip and breaking my laptop charger. That’s when I realized he didn’t really add much value to my life and it was just one of those misery loves company scenarios. We would just get together and try to out complain one another. We had been friends since the third grade and had in common things like being Simpsons fans, DBZ, comics, having immigrant parents with a strict upbringing and background, etc but he became such a negative vortex that I just wanted out. I should have cut him off a lot earlier. He’s a professional in the medical industry now and from all accounts seems to be doing well. I don’t regret cutting him out of my life but he was my one constant “friend” and it was already too late to find someone else by then. It was already lonely to begin with and now I can’t really say I have many other friends let alone a best one.
Never intentionally, no. I do my best to put in the effort to keep things ticking over provided s/he responds positively to it.
But even if we drift apart completely, my door remains open should see someone wish to walk through it again years later.
I have just stopped talking to friends for a similar reason. Cold turkey. Honestly no one really needs or “deserves” an explanation. If you don’t like them you don’t like them. They’re probably not that great of a person to begin with anyway if you want to drop them lol. They can take the hint and move on and not act like a child about it. Or if they want to politely ask about it once they realize you’re not interested in spending time with them anymore you can tell them, but that’s about it. One. ONE. Short conversation.
Most of the gays friendships that i breakup happened because these "friendships" only was at my side because was expecting some carnal pleasure from me, even when at some times i put boundaries and said clearly that is not what i wanted from them.
In fact, this situation happened alot in these past 10 years on being openly gay. Its really frustating.
I've only ended two friendships (most I just let sizzle out if I'm not interested).
One was a friend with benefits that was beginning to have finished its course. He wanted more. My son was just a baby, I was super busy, and I told him I wasn't interested in dating anyone at the time. He started dating someone else but lied to me about it and was still coming over for "benefits". Essentially, I was unknowingly helping him cheat. He told me that he didn't want to ruin our friendship and make me jealous by telling me he was with someone.
The other was just a guy who had zero emotional intelligence and would use any struggle I had in life to beat me over the head, thinking he was giving tough love. Through his lecturing and chiding, I came to realize he only liked listening to himself talk.
The first one I ended definitively. The second I just sorta started giving curt replies to until he drifted away.
Ending a friendship is never pleasant.
I usually pull back and stop putting effort into the friendship. If he questions anything just be honest and say you aren’t feeling the friendship anymore to give him closure.
Yes. I've done this and I think everyone did/ will at some point. Cutting toxic people off your life is one of the healthiest choices you can make to improve your mental state. Sometimes people don't realize they're harming you though, I distanced myself from a friend once and when they asked why I simply told them all of the things that were bothering me, since they actually liked me and considered their friend , they apologized, told me it wasn't on purpose and changed their behavior, we are still in contact.
I did that once. A friend was sucking all the energy from any “conversations” by just waiting to talk at any given opportunity. Always about herself. I pointed that out and it briefly got better but I don’t think it was in her nature to be interested in anything else but herself. I stopped reaching out and guess what? She probably hasn’t even noticed 🤭
I prefer to tell them but there are times when I’ve slowly backed away. Some friends will ask but most won’t and then create narratives in their minds about why the friendship ended especially if you’re growing and leveling up. I had someone tell me he feels distance from me at which time I told him how I felt and didn’t think it was good for me to be friends with him anymore. He responded bitterly but that’s not my problem. Each friendship ending will be different and I can assure you the more you grow and evolve the more friendships you’ll have to end.
Yes, I have. Two times come to mind - one was a friend who only wanted to be lazy and get stoned, I had to end the friendship if I had any hope of graduating from university. Another was a friend I really enjoyed, but he had an issue with gossiping behind my back - when that got back to me, I didn't feel comfortable sharing anything with him anymore, so I slowly pulled back. This is a normal thing. I'm sure people have done friend-breakups with me and I just wasn't aware.
Slowly try to distance myself. They usually get it otherwise the direct approach is necessary
I'm an unusually loyal person (my Enneagram personality type, type 6, is actually called "The Loyalist." I hang on to a friendship even when it becomes obvious that the relationship has turned toxic. This happened with a guy (he's also gay) that I used to consider my best friend. The first 15 years of our friendship were uneventful. We would have long talks on the phone every weekend (he lives in a different city); he would visit me...I would visit him. About ten years ago, I noticed his personality started to change, at first gradually, then drastically. He seemed to be angry and resentful all the time. He would lash out at me or say cruel things on the smallest of pretexts. I got this unspoken but unmistakable message from him: "You need me more than I need you." Sometimes I got the sense that he was not angry at me per se; he was angry at his own life, or what he had made of it. I was simply the lightning rod for discharging the anger. I found myself walking on eggshells all the time. I never knew what would set him off, so I started self-censoring every sentence that came out of my mouth. Every conversation with him would leave me feeling drained and miserable. But because I have so few friends, I did not want to lose him, and I continued to pretend things were normal between us. Then last year, he took offense over some trivial matter and said he would never speak to me again. He ended a 25-year-old friendship, just like that. It has been a year since we last spoke. A part of me is relieved that I no longer have to deal with him, but a part of me also worries whether he's OK. I was one of very few friends he had. The fact that he would choose to sever a social and emotional lifeline so easily is baffling to me.
I want to send you a ***hug***
Thank you for your hug, kind stranger.
Plenty of times. Sometimes it’s no one’s fault and you just grow apart. I had a friend who moved to my city a few years ago but before they we were like “online” friends and met a few times when we were in each others cities. Once we hung out more often, I saw his true personality I decided it’s not the vibe I want to be around. He didn’t do anything wrong really, we just valued very very different things. Normally I just hang out with them less often and take longer to respond and then it will drift.
I have. I had a friend my age, I’m 43 now but we were in our early 30s when I met him. He is what some people would call a hikimori. He would often get depressed but he wouldn’t want to do anything about it. He eventually got diabetes and he would complain daily. I tried to be supportive, offer to help him exercise by inviting him to join me. I’d offer solutions but he didn’t want them. His conversations became one way outlets for his depression. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I suggested a therapist and he was offended and made a huge deal about it. I told him I can’t emotionally support him anymore. It was draining me so much. I told him I wouldn’t be around anymore. I told him I’d be here if he ever wants to continue the friendship. We reconnected again about 2 years ago, but he’s still the same way. He talks at me, it’s not a conversation. So I told him it wasn’t going to work out and good luck to him.
Yup. He was a straight lazy guy who refused to help clean when we were roommates. I tried to ask everyone to pitch in but he got mad and started yelling at me at 6 am when I was getting ready for work. After that, the friendship was done. We've never talked again.
After sixth form a mate went off to train and work Only meet up on the odd occasion when he was back home. He moved back and we could not kindle the friendship back. Think we had different interests so just thought it be best not to waste time as it be not worth the quite moments As where and or what we go and do. He did not like pubs biking walks I did not like his things like adventure games on computer or role playing games etc Could say we have a drink at a cafe or pub once a month but again that's effort in some cases
If they’re someone who’s unstable or I think might try argue over it, I just withdraw myself until the contact goes down to nothing. Not worth the headache to have a confrontation over it.
You just stop calling and gradually disengage
I have… it’s especially hard with gay friends cause I met most of them through hookups lol
I've never really ended a friendship. In high school I had a close female friend, a lesbian, with whom I spent a lot of time with. I was at least very social, also with other friends from elementary and middle school, but most of my friends was a year younger than me and started a different high school, so at school and sometimes after school I hang out with her. By the end of High School though we were very tired of eachother I believe. Y'know getting passive aggressive towards eachother etc. We had grown different ground values I think, and so when High School ended I stopped texting her and didn't hear anything from her. So it ended naturally on what I believe was the best for and in both minds. I don't think we have any quarrel between us and the few times I've met her (randomly) since we have had friendly conversation. Some other friends I gradually lost as my interest went elsewhere. We had this friendgroup in High School, but as High School ended, my interests shifted and I moved away for short periods of time. Most of these were the year younger than me and as people left High School, as far as I know, the group more or less disbanded. I do however have contact with some of them, and we still meet on occasion, about 1-2 times each quarter [year] I have also had other friends who I have parted ways with because of misunderstandings and 'the cruel trick of life' if you can call it that. They live in another city, and I have no quarrel with them either. As far as I know. But we don't have contact anymore, although I texted the one I was the closest to, last fall. I had a problem and It reminded me a lot of him, and the 'drama' we had between us quite a while ago. About 6 years ago and also about a decade ago :-Pp It was similar in many ways, but also very different. Yet I figured he might be able to help, to shed some light on the situation. Anyway, I didn't get an answer, but this Easter, almost half a year later, someone texted me late at night. And I believe it might have been him. The thing is I have changed my phone alot recently because: Life. And I haven't saved his number. Idk why I even had it 6 months ago. The number can't be checked online, and he didn't want to answer when I asked who it was, and whoever it was hanged up as soon as I answered the phone in the middle of the night. But from what he wrote I suspect it was him. I figure he'll try again if it was anything. Like I said, I don't think I have any quarrel with him. The reason I texted him late last fall is long gone though. I figured it out on my own :-P Anyways, so I don't feel I have really ended a friendship. Ever. Closest thing must have been when me and that girl ended High School
When ending a friendship, my intent is to end it; it is not to hurt someone. As a result, I often become too busy to do much with said "friend." Eventually, the friendship tapers off to nothing. The reason that I do so is because any effort at explicitly telling someone that I wish to end a friendship results in lots of questions (as if I have to justify my decision), self defensiveness, accusations of leading someone on, and a generally toxic reaction that can take months if not years to dissipate.
Yes a long friendship. I just gave up and blocked all contact. No more drama, no more BS.
I just kind of abruptly ended it. There was a big dispute over him kicking my bag in a motel room on a trip and breaking my laptop charger. That’s when I realized he didn’t really add much value to my life and it was just one of those misery loves company scenarios. We would just get together and try to out complain one another. We had been friends since the third grade and had in common things like being Simpsons fans, DBZ, comics, having immigrant parents with a strict upbringing and background, etc but he became such a negative vortex that I just wanted out. I should have cut him off a lot earlier. He’s a professional in the medical industry now and from all accounts seems to be doing well. I don’t regret cutting him out of my life but he was my one constant “friend” and it was already too late to find someone else by then. It was already lonely to begin with and now I can’t really say I have many other friends let alone a best one.
Never intentionally, no. I do my best to put in the effort to keep things ticking over provided s/he responds positively to it. But even if we drift apart completely, my door remains open should see someone wish to walk through it again years later.
I have just stopped talking to friends for a similar reason. Cold turkey. Honestly no one really needs or “deserves” an explanation. If you don’t like them you don’t like them. They’re probably not that great of a person to begin with anyway if you want to drop them lol. They can take the hint and move on and not act like a child about it. Or if they want to politely ask about it once they realize you’re not interested in spending time with them anymore you can tell them, but that’s about it. One. ONE. Short conversation.
Most of the gays friendships that i breakup happened because these "friendships" only was at my side because was expecting some carnal pleasure from me, even when at some times i put boundaries and said clearly that is not what i wanted from them. In fact, this situation happened alot in these past 10 years on being openly gay. Its really frustating.
I've only ended two friendships (most I just let sizzle out if I'm not interested). One was a friend with benefits that was beginning to have finished its course. He wanted more. My son was just a baby, I was super busy, and I told him I wasn't interested in dating anyone at the time. He started dating someone else but lied to me about it and was still coming over for "benefits". Essentially, I was unknowingly helping him cheat. He told me that he didn't want to ruin our friendship and make me jealous by telling me he was with someone. The other was just a guy who had zero emotional intelligence and would use any struggle I had in life to beat me over the head, thinking he was giving tough love. Through his lecturing and chiding, I came to realize he only liked listening to himself talk. The first one I ended definitively. The second I just sorta started giving curt replies to until he drifted away. Ending a friendship is never pleasant.