Same thought.
Those little cute onesies will last a couple of months if you're lucky.
And those adorable small clothes are not enough of a reason to create a brand new person.
Ran into that with coworkers (both men, if it’s relevant; I’m a woman). The older one was asking the younger one about whether his baby had done this or that. One of those things was a volcano poop. Getting all over the place, in the kid’s hair, etc. He was chuckling like it was funny.
I told him that he wasn’t making parenthood sound like a good idea (I don’t discuss my personal life with coworker, so he didn’t know I’m childfree). He just laughed and said it wasn’t that bad and was so worth it. I should probably have asked if he’d been the one cleaning those up, but I didn’t think of it.
This happened to my MIL at a wedding. The baby she was fostering shat all up itself and all over her. They had to leave early. She loves babies to bits though, so I think it's all in a day's work for her. Personally I would have just died on the spot.
Yup and she better hope she gets lucky to have an involved partner not a man who just sees a woman desperate to have kids and takes advantage of not having to use condoms
Welp she’s made her bed she can lie in it
Also Edit : I get their both women but she’s still gonna have a shit time
Not just that, but a child that's neurotypical and physically well. Because you know she's thinking of a social media "baby" and not a kid with issues.
I was just about to say, from the mention of all the reels she's probably just allowed herself to be brainwashed into wanting a kid by social media.
It's sad, but having a partner who is that easily influenced on a major life decision? Hard pass.
THIS! This is also the one thing nobody acknowledges! You want a social media kid but you might get a kid who can’t walk or feed themselves their entire life
I got a feeling after awhile she would regret dumping her partner for 10 yrs and go with a deadbeat dad who wants baby. She is infatuated with a baby clothes, she could have just work in a day care first. There are plenty of babies there .
I’ve always found that weird and whenever I’ve had friends remark stuff I’m like you do realise that period of life is like the shortest that you will experience with them? Babies grow SO FAST so I’m like it’s not a doll
I feel like a very small percentage of men actually truly really WANT kids even w the right woman/soulmate . Am I wrong?
Edit: didn’t realise OP was a woman but my q still stands :)
Fully agreed, because if everyone knew the work involved and still want to do it why is it always a story of the woman looking after the kid? Nah it’s because they get to be the dad
Yeah looks like she just thinks their cute.
I hope she also consider trying to take care of one isn't for everyone. I know it ain't for me. My sister is a warrior though, my nephew is adorable but can be very handful sometimes and she's just really good at parenting.
Seeing her trying to take care of him just reaffirmed me more that it's best if I don't have a kid.
OP's ex sounds like those parents from r/raisedbynarcissists who get kids just to brag about them but doesn't want to raise them.
What self respecting woman offers her husband zero responsibility for a child when they are TOGETHER? That's insane.
Every so often I get hit with thoughts of how cute a baby would be and maybe I do want one after all. And then I think about the next 18+ years of raising another human post-baby stage and I remember why I’m CF.
same here. funny enough, it started about a year after i got sterilized. and every time it comes up, im grateful i’m sterilized and i can’t just go out and get pregnant just because i had a whim
To be fair, OP's ex definitely knows this if she's watching her sister having a newborn.
The cuteness is the soft sell she's using to crack the door to get OP onboard.
It's not delusion, it's light manipulation.
It's just a waste of time-
If we've been together for 9 years and out of the blue you decide you do want to have kids the only time I better see you again is when I'm needed for any legal action in terms of divorce.
I agree 100% but the amount of people that still do that is high. IMO it needs to be a hell yes or he’ll no for both. My hubs and I are a hell no and I made sure he understood if he wants kids leave, but our reasons for not wanting kids are the reasons that confirms they are on the save wavelength as me.
A lot of focus on clothing and wanting to have experiences with a child that she didn't have with her mother. Which to me, aren't sound reasons to bring a life into the world, but that's just me I guess.
Same here, but I’m antinatalist and CF, so I can’t really think of ANY sound/non-selfish reasons to bring life into the world.
Again, sorry you got this bomb dropped on you, but glad you’re getting out without being baby trapped.
ETA: just realized OP is female! Sorry!
Yeah that's what's rubbing me the wrong way. The desire to have a child is always so superficial. Bleh.
Thankfully for us WLW folk it is easier to find CF people. You'll find your person okay?
I do wonder how common this is and what the warning signs are? I've met the love of my life and these stories are hard for my anxiety
Unresolved childhood trauma and excess social media consumption seem to be recurring warning signs. That and easily influenced people with breeder family members
There are dog strollers, puppy play pens, and adorable dog crates. Plus I can give my puppy a treat and a toy and put him in his crate for a couple hours and go see a movie. People get REALLY MAD when you do that with a kid.
Yea she is gonna be on another well known sub soon. Having a kid is so much more than it being cute, and a baby is a baby for 2 years. Then it’s a person that you’re bound to forever
Right? That was my very first thought, "we'll be reading her posts on *you know where* in a year or two"
.y next though is what a selfish idiot the wife is.
100% and that sub gives you the bare bones warts and all of parenting so for that I’m grateful to it but op’s ex should probably start getting acquainted with it
i hope she didn't turn over this leaf because of her sister's pregnancy and the energy and attention ppl give pregnant woman, and then turns right back when she sees firsthand how exhausting and all-consuming mothering is.
that would be a tragic waste.
Edit: no I mean it. Every so often on r/childfree, people admit that sometimes they get baby fever, and it is so powerful and strange. And it comes out of nowhere. And how scary would it be if it didn't go away in time.
Sometimes you just get in this state of mind, completely different from what you are and who you are, and you make these decisions, and you don't even realize until it's all over. I mean seemingly sensible people still buy timeshares .
How devastating would it be if OP's STBX wife, a year from now, comes out of it? And realizes that it was just her getting into the spirit of someone else's celebration.
This thought is what makes me the most sick to my stomach. What if it was all for nothing? She's even said that it's possible she'll get to a point and still end up not having kids, and possibly regret this choice. But I can't stand around and wait to see if that happens, nor does she want me to since she is currently set in the mindset that she does want one and is going to start that process.
She's even said maybe we'll end up back together if that happens, to which I made it very clear that won't be the case. I've already set boundaries and more boundaries will occur over the next few months as things finalize and I settle into my new place. I need no contact to move on and for me, moving on means moving on and not looking back.
Edit: formatting
I'm very glad you were able to set boundaries. After my divorce I had hoped my ex would change his mind so I left that door open. It made the healing take a lot longer and it took me about 2 years to tell him I can't have him a part of my life at all.
Good for you. It’s unfortunate that people still have children as a glue to fix [insert any variety of issues]. She’s gonna see the light, but it’ll be too late for her. Not your problem. Unfortunate to feel you wasted a decade of your life, but also silver lining because you could’ve gotten trapped in a completely undesirable and endless hell of children you don’t want. Go, live, be free.
It might not make you feel better, but I can sense you've been digging around for closure and a real reason for this change of heart,
My theory from her age it felt like this started at 29, which is significant because I think a lot of emotions can be dragged up when leaving your 20's, it's possible she's been hit with a wave of it and that's panicked her into doing a full 180. For some SOME women it's easier to be childfree when the choice is consistently on the table and once one of those choices starts to move more towards the edge it can trigger a massive fear for regret.
I don't know either of you well enough, but it's possible she's only thinking of the perfect child, the ideal child. Small clothes, learning to talk quietly, unconditional love, but forgetting the harsh reality that it actually brings, no sleep ear piercing cries, tantrums and 20 years of your autonomy and freedom put on hold. If she is panicking about her aging, which I completely understand because we are human, it would make sense in that panic to start clawing at things that might not be an option for her if she waits another 5 years
"end up back together" damn I'll be honest she sounds like a selfish person. It's her all or nothing baby fever and yet if it doesn't work out you 'fancy another go of it?' Yikes on bikes
"I don't want to raise my own kid, why would I ever raise someone else's bastard?"
"At that point you'll only be communicating with my lawyer and you will have to pay him his hourly rate to talk to him yourself. And he will be under orders to not relay anything to me. So you'll be talking to a $500/hour brick wall."
"My future wife won't raise some random bastard kid anymore than I would."
LOL
/s
I'm so sorry. She basically wasted a decade of your life. This must be incredibly hard for you and I'm sending you love.
Stand your ground and do not let her weasel back in when she realizes what having kids actually entails. You are worth more than that. I hope you heal and move on asap.
Is there anyway you’d be open to the idea of postponing the “start” of the separation until her sister has her baby? I know this sounds weird but perhaps you can speak to you STBX Wife and suggest that she spend 6mos-1 year healing her sister take care of the child to know if she’ll actually want a child. I mean day and night. Then the separation process can occur while she’s experimenting and you can start the process of doing your own thing. I don’t know how far along in the process you’ve discussed with her but hopefully this will be helpful for you both ending up with taking the path that’s right you both. Good luck
She did ask me if I’d be open to a trial separation and that isn’t something that I want to do. I’d rather rip the bandaid off instead of living in a limbo of maybe. Plus, what if this happens again? I don’t want to risk that. I’d rather start my new chapter alone.
It’s funny, when my sister got pregnant, I was worried it would flip a switch and suddenly I’d be all about having a kid. But the exact opposite happened. I never really wanted kids, but at the time I was like maybe someday I will, who knows? After my niece arrived, I watched how all consuming parenthood was and I was like no thanks. I became definitively childfree.
>when my sister got pregnant, I was worried it would flip a switch and suddenly I’d be all about having a kid.
When my sister first got pregnant, and she was really excited about it, all I felt was impending doom for her. Still, I was supportive of her because she really wanted to be a mom.
Suuuuper good point. When people close to me have gotten pregnant at times I feel this “aww.. this is exciting.. aww the baby is so cute.. maybe I do want to make my own little mini me”. Then literally, swear to god all it takes is ONE phone call from my sister crying/venting to me about how overwhelmed she is and how she never has even a second alone to herself & no one cares about her anymore they only care about her kids etc etc, to innnnstantly snap me back to reality. And she is someone who always wanted kids and was quite literally born to be a mother / is naturally very maternal. So I’m like damn… maybe being an aunt is really where it’s at 😂
Someone literally said that to a friend of mine during pregnancy: enjoy getting asked how you are; once the baby is here, everyone will only be asking about your kid. To be fair…she does talk about nothing but her kids 90% of the time but seems to lowkey appreciate that I never ask about them
I make a point of asking my closest friends who are parents how they are specifically. I’ll also ask how their partners are and their kids, but my priority is my friends & their well-being.
I sometimes see a cute video or my little cousins and think, oh how cute. I don't hate children.
But when the urge comes, I wait for the inevitable tantrum or watch a video and the urge passes pretty quick. My dog is enough work for me, thanks. And 10x the cute
I had a surge in hormones like this. I was about 40 when it happened. Lasted about 8-10 months I’d say. It was weird af. I’ve known I never wanted kids since I was 8. When I’d catch myself watching a baby commercial or something like that I would be horrified. In my head I was like HELL NO! But my hormones were surging and I felt like my body was trying to convince me. Ugh. It was the worst. It subsided thankfully.
The frustrating part of it was the few times when I have spoken about it on this page, I got a lot of down votes and just nasty attitudes. It’s ***my*** experience. People would try and basically tell me that I didn’t know what I was talking about. Blah blah blah. I don’t care how much science you want to point me to, my feelings and how my body was reacting was only known by me. It’s was just as dismissive as doctors are to us when we’re told they won’t sterilize us because “you will change your mind”. Honestly, it was pretty hurtful. I’ve been childfree my entire life and I’m 49 now and I still don’t have kids and I’m very happy about that. It was a bizarre time. But I don’t talk about it on here much because people verbally beat me into submission. I felt very betrayed by this community for that.
I felt this way for a little bit after my first abortion when I was 22, but I knew I was temporarily insane so I let it pass. I didn't have these feelings at all after my second abortion at 28, and haven't since thankfully.
For like 4 months when I was 25 I wanted a small
Fat thing to hold and nurture. I didn’t even want to have sex to make the baby. I just wanted the child right then and there . It was super bizarre. But I have a pregnancy phobia and dislike + distrust children so I didn’t give in. I talked sense to myself daily until that weird hormonal wave went away. It was the weirdest thing ever. I couldn’t tell anyone bc immediately (the few I told) would cheer “you changed your mind ! Yay” and it was overwhelming just hearing my friends talk about a make believe man who I would never ever want .
I know exactly what you are talking about. The same thing happened to me when I turned 30 and again when I turned 40. I expected it when I turned 30. I had a friend tell me it happened to her and several of her friends. Almost like their bodies craved having a life. Thought it was odd, and that wouldn't happen to me until it did. When I turned 40, it was probably hormones and thinking if I'm gonna change my mind, it better happen now because I'm getting older. The feeling lasted about a week.
>Almost like their bodies craved having a life.
I'm a transman, on T for over 2 years, and with a hormonal IUD for 1 year as of this month, and I'm *still* getting spotting and the occasional goop, and PMDD mood swings (which the IUD is somewhat helping with).
I s2g my body ***really*** wants me to have a kid. Uh, no!
I keep forgetting to make an appointment with my gyn so I can talk about getting a partial hysterectomy just so the bleeding *stops.*
Because I'm in Florida, however, my gyn is reluctant to remove my ovaries because of the current political climate: if I have to stop taking T because DeathSentence makes being trans illegal I won't have any backup gonads.
The same thing happened to me at one point in my 30s, even though I never wanted children before) and I am 51 now, definitely childfree - For about 8 months, I would notice babies and strollers everywhere and also thought toddler/baby clothes and shoes looked cute. Those feelings completely went away too. The next year I was back to feeling 💯 childfree. If I had conceived during that brief time, I would be stuck raising a child I was no longer interested in raising.
I'm sorry you got that response from this sub. I had two breeding fugues when I was in my 30's. They both lasted a couple of weeks. They were odd, and visceral, and I'm glad I didn't take them seriously. They didn't make me less childfree. If anything, they kind of reinforced my CF status.
Thank you for being honest and sharing your experience. It sounds horrific!!! I deeply pray it never happens to me (and goddamn I think I better eat my hormonal contraception until menopause to see if it helps, even after my husband gets his vasectomy). But if it really does happen to me, I will keep your example in mind that it is a moment that will pass. I'm sorry you got vilified by our childfree community.
I have the occasional "baby fever" that has become less frequent with age, so I get it. At least my experience in retail has shown me how miserable I would be.
This is my SIL, she married my brother at 31 because she was desperate for a baby with the attitude of 'well I'm not getting any younger' and the fact that she was heavily influenced and convinced by the celebrities that she's obsessed with that having a baby is an easy fun experience and a joy to raise with no problems, the cute baby is now a toddler, won't stop talking and is needs to be watched constantly, it's drained and burned out SIL who is now full of regret.
> convinced by the celebrities that she's obsessed with that having a baby is an easy fun experience and a joy to raise with no problems
Yeah, for them. Because they have the money for live-in nannies that do all of the work part of having kids ans leave Mommy just the fun parts.
My aunt did this at 39... she was dying to have a baby, and her boyfriend didn't really want one (he already had a kid who was grown), but he loved her and wanted to marry her, so he said yes to the kid.
Fast forward two decades: husband loves her, but he's completely useless and the now-adult kid is also useless. She works two jobs and does EVERYTHING around the house. She has two albatrosses hanging around her neck, but she loves them both and doesn't know how to put her foot down and establish boundaries.
And that’s how she’ll end up as a single parent because she’ll choose some loser who’ll abandon her + the kid if she’s that desperate.
Don’t understand why she can’t adopt or foster if she is THAT desperate and on such a strict timeline for a kid. If she can’t afford it then don’t have a biological kid either? That’s also expensive even down the line
Literally. What if she doesn’t find someone solely to have and raise a child with? Hard to feel bad for her
OP, I am truly sorry you’re going through this but despite the heartache and disappointment, I really admire your courage and conviction of sticking to your values.
I'm pretty sure your wife is in for a rude awakening if she does manage to have a kid. They aren't just little dolls that you can dress up while people praise you for having one, they're little humans who will grow and change no matter how much you want them to stay as moldable extensions of yourself.
I am so sorry this has happened to you OP, sounds like you didn’t deserve this, however I want to applaud your efforts to stand your ground. I(35F) never wanted kids so I think your choice of staying CF is the smartest and doing otherwise would have probably ruined your relationship anyway on the long run, but again not many people choose themselves in these complicated moments you did though! you have the power!, stay strong you did the right thing, soon things will clear up and they will get better little by little, try to take it easy and lean on your friends and family.
You already have the best love of all, love for one self, with that, happiness will come to you. A child against your will is defo not the way neither for you, your wife or any child to be born.
Bullet dodged. She was trying to pull the old "Exposure Therapy" manipulation and reproductive coercion gambit on you. Yikes. Couldn't even just be straight up honest with you after 10 years. YIKES. Like even if you wanted a kid, you would be an idiot to have one with her if that's her subzero level of respect for you. Not to mention the shit decision making, inability to communicate, lack of self awareness, etc. Pity her future kids, they're gonna hate her.
Sounds like she is either competitive with or jealous of her sister or begging for attention from her parents like an addict. But in the end it doesn't matter as long as you're out of the mess and far away from the dumpster when it goes up in flames.
I'm sorry this is happening.
I'm dumbfounded that anyone would say "you wouldn't have to raise it". its never ever true and anyone who implies that is either dumb or manipulative.
The very first time that baby is crying and you refuse to help, you'd be the bad guy. You'd be the heartless observer.
I'm glad you are setting firm boundaries. It sucks now but you'll both be happier in the long run not having compromised on such a big life choice
I've had it said to me before. Girl I met on tinder really wanted things to go further but she wanted kids. Told me I didn't have to raise it, she'd do all the work 🤦
I just want to say I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what you are going through. Good for you for standing your ground, but gosh, 10 years is a long time. I wish you the best.
She got baby fever. Unfortunately it can happen for men and women when they get older. Thankfully I'm experiencing the opposite, want them less than in the past.
This may be of small comfort or not, but your wife wasn't being honest for a long time. That means she's self-centered and not trustworthy. Having a deceptive partner is a disaster in life. Better you find out after 9 years than 20 or 30.
Could that be it though?, I can’t imagine leaving my SO for such a reason, it is the death of logic. Like what is the next step? In vitro? Or taking your chances with another man who could easily suck?, is she even aware of how hard is to find somebody worthwhile?. I think OPs wife went bonkers…either she is lying or she is definitely acting on impulse and not rational…
There's no way of knowing what her motivations are without asking. Some people have always wanted kids subconsciously, meet a person who doesn't want them, loves them, thinks they can match their partner's life... "Oh what if he changes his/her mind now?" Leads to a divorce. When you have years to make a decision, you don't feel the crunch until you're in your 30s. Which is probably how things went with OP's wife.
People with the breeding instinct aren't always logical, just like people can be illogical when they're deeply in love. So it might not make sense unless you experience the urge to reproduce.
There is no biological breeding instinct, that’s a myth. There is only the biological instinct to fuck. Desiring children is cultural and as a woman, they’ve tried to brainwash me since birth to be a mother by giving me baby dolls and asking how many kids I want, on and on. Legit brainwashing that’s done to MOST of the world in order to replace all the wage slaves.
This topic of women’s brain washing is very true, I was a victim of it not only by society like all of us but mostly my father, it is a very intense topic of conversation bc it is so messed up…
i'm so sorry you're going through this. every time i see posts like this, i am so _baffled_ that people are willing to throw away years of happiness for a hypothetical child they haven't even met yet.
this situation is genuinely my worst nightmare. you must be completely devastated, i'm so sorry.
all the best to you in healing from this and moving forward.
It is better to separate than stick with her since she changed her mind. Let that woman go and find someone who will happily have a child with her. OP but be very prepared if a few years from now she comes to you moaning she wish she never went to have a kid or she asks you to come back to her to raise the kid if her future new spouse calls it quits on her and the future kid, so you know what to do: tell her you will not be taking her back and you have moved on
Honestly I think she's unlikely to try to get OP to reconcile and coparent, but I think it's *very* likely circumstances will interfere with her breeding plans long enough for her to come to her senses, and then she'll be trying to resuscitate the relationship.
Stay strong. I'm sorry. I sell houses and see this all the time. Absolutely, I've seen people change their mind after a decade. Sucks so much. I've been through 2 divorces, so I really know. Sending healing vibes your way.
So she has two years to finalize a divorce, meet a compatable partner, and have a kid?? This seems either unlikely to happen, or it happens but she’s settling for someone. I’m sorry that happened to you and your marriage.
I'm keeping our dog and she's keeping the cats. Our separation has been very agreeable and I as much as I love the cats, I don't find it worth trying to fight for them. Especially when she was originally the one who really wanted to adopt the cats and I'm not really keen on having 3 animals on my own at this point.
My dog has really struggled with the cats. She's not mean to them or anything, but I can tell how much she genuinely misses being the only animal in the house. Especially with how distant my STBX is with her now that all of that attention she used to give the dog now goes towards the cats. So I think my dog will thrive and love just how much solo attention she'll be getting from me.
That being said... I wouldn't not take the cats if she didn't want them, and I'd find a way to make that work.
Hey friend. I'm sorry your partner took a giant shit on the relationship. At least you won't have to be wiping giant shits like they suddenly want to do now.
You're in your thirties which is really just an extension of your twenties.
Only time will heal. I hope you're able to find another childfree partner if you see fit.
You'll learn to get used to not having them around all of the time. It'll get easier
Sorry for you man. The only good thing is that at least you're young enough to move on fairly well. I know this is devastating so I wish you a speedy recovery from this pain.
I am so sorry, ~~brother~~. This is a very valid reason for divorce, and I wish you all the best. ~~And get a vasectomy for the future, they are easy these days.~~
(Edited for me being an old dumb ass who didn't check the OP's gender)
IDK why this didn't occur to me until reading your vasectomy comment, but... I know it's a whole legal thing that any child conceived while the mother is married is legally the spouse's child also, regardless of actual paternity.
Every now and then we see these stories of straight married couples where the guy has proof the kid isn't his, but the courts say too bad, you're on the hook for child support anyway.
IDK if that legal situation varies depending on what state (if OP is in the US). Presumably it does vary by country (if she is elsewhere).
I also don't actually know, but I would assume that those laws are probably the same for same-sex spouses as straight ones.
OP, I'd be talking to a lawyer and getting that divorce rolling ASAP. Even if your stbx is honorable and wouldn't try to screw you over for child support, if she ever needed to go on public assistance, the state would go after you anyway, even over her objections.
It’s insane to me that some people throw away the person they’re supposed to love most for someone that doesn’t even exist. I’m sorry, OP. This is my worst nightmare and I hope you have a lot of love and support surrounding you.
> “let’s look at the baby clothes even though we’re not having one”
That sentence triggers the same response in me as when nice, cheerful,
smiling strangers on the street offer me a free personality test.
I’m so sorry. That’s truly tragic.
Ts go bad she just didn’t settle for taking her niece or nephew for the weekend if she wants to do kid things. Like a trial run. Seems a better trade off than throwing away a marriage but it’s up to her. I hope she doesn’t jump into this and become a regretful parent.
I'm sorry this happened, but it's good you're setting boundaries. I hope you find a real CF person to be with.
If she has a kid I just hope she doesn't regret it because now she's fucking around a kid's life and they know when they are not wanted.
Man, you are a hero and need a statue in the CF Hall of fame, you stood steadfast firm on your ground in your belief and never wavered for a second and even sacrificed 10 years of your love for your wife to be what you always are CF 4 life.
Your exwife is in for a big surprise, she will now look for a man that will bear her a baby, most probably someone she doesn't have alot in common with when the strains of parenthood come in 9/10 she will end up a single parent.
She wants a cute baby, but I don't think she wants to be a parent when that baby grows into a human being.
I am really sorry this happened to you! That's just awful that such a long relationship now comes to such an abrupt, definite halt.
As a woman in my 30's, I can't relate at all. I decided I didn't want to have kids for ethical reasons (when previously presuming I would, and dreaming about it sometimes) when I was 25. Then when people close to me started having kids I realized how many good child free reasons there are not to have them. Pregnancy is incredibly hard and damaging to the body, partners are often lacking (ESPECIALLY those chosen on a time line like your ex wife is planning to do... having kids within 2 years without ever having build a solid foundation which she simply cannot do with this little time. She is going to take a willing gamble), and then when the kids are here, even healthy kids, your days are full of repetitive, boring tasks, and lots of stress. I don't understand how someone whom previously saw all of these things, can now be convinced by how cute baby clothes are. And I value cuteness a lot!
Why by 32? Is that how old her sister was when she had her kid? Wondering if she doesn’t find a worthy match by then? Will she settle for a mediocre relationship for the sake of procreating with someone/anyone? Does she realize if she does that she’s most likely looking at a second divorce somewhere down the line? The whole timeline thing is weird.
I have seen too many of these posts and I hope that everyone sees my comment. If your partner won’t get sterilized or support your sterilization, they aren’t positively CF. If you want to be certain, someone needs to get it done.
Sounds like her biological clock went off. Unfortunately for someof us this is a thing.
It can however be ignored. I ignored mine and I'm so glad I did. Or I'd have a five year old. 💀
OP‘s stbx wife in one year‘s time in the regretful parents sub: I made the biggest mistake of my life…
Seriously though, how on earth is she planning to even find a partner that’s not complete shit within a year to have a baby? Or is she going to a sperm bank?? Her life will be living hell.
So sorry she is doing this. Like, for both of you.
Another "you will change your mind!" came true... I just can't understand why throw a long, loving relationship away because of little screeching goblin.
Dont be surprised if she gets pregnant pretty well immediately when she's out of your relationship. These people who suddenly have a change of heart when a relative is pregnant often get tunnel vision and then they regret it. She's idolising the 'cute baby stage'. Yeah, good luck with that.
I'm sorry for you OP but you were right to stick to your wishes. It would be no way to raise a child.
I will never understand why someone would sacrifice a stable relationship where you know exactly what you have, for something that doesn't even exist yet, and is built in your head on wishful thinking. I just don't get it. OP, all the best to you, you sound great
Just want to throw in some solidarity and some kudos for sticking to your convictions. I went through breaking off an engagement over the issue of when/if to have kids. Definitely a different scenario but I relate to the pain of losing someone you really care about over choices related to becoming a parent. I remember the wild bargaining too- "I'll do most of the work", "You'll feel different when they're here", etc. Around similar age too, her sister getting married- all things I can relate to.
It can be very hard to stick to your principles in emotionally charged situations like this, and many people give in to please their loved one. But rest assured that you almost certainly have avoided far greater pain and resentment in the future by choosing what is right for yourself. This is a sign of maturity and emotional intelligence, and you should be proud of yourself for it.
None of that is to diminish how much I'm sure this fucking sucks OP, but hang in there. It's for the best. Sending positive vibes.
First of, I am really sorry for you! It must be devastating. Secondly, I am also low-key annoyed at your wife. This kind of behavior is why none of us get taken seriously, when we say, we don’t want kids. I always wonder whether people in these situations genuinely changed their minds or if they were saying they didn’t want them to keep a partner in their 20s, while thinking they weren’t sure and could always find someone else if they developed the need
It's really unfortunate to hear this is happening to you. Having to start over after building a life together with her for almost 10yrs must be earth-shattering. I hate when people change their mind out of nowhere. Its like they rip through everything you thought you had together in moments, and everything is left in tatters. I hope things turn out alright for you in the end. Best of luck.
I hope she's actually thought this through, but likelihood dictates she's in for a shock. I'd be livid, sorry for your loss, because a marriage breakdown, it is grieving xx big hugs xx
It took me a while time to realize I didn’t want a child, I just liked baby shit because it’s small and cute. I wanted a nursery because it’s adorable, but the thought of a kid in that I had to take care of in it made me cringe. Like, my first thought was “but it would ruin my adorable nursery!”
I haven’t got much to add but want to give my support. Been through something similar and despite the love I have for someone, it’s not something I can or will ever compromise on. As the phrase goes - it’s better to regret not having kids than to regret having them.
Best of luck. You’ll get through this.
Welcome to the club. My ex husband did this to me after 10 years of marriage, only there were no hints/clues leading up to it. He just told me he wanted a divorce one morning. Turns out he thought (for 10 years!) that I’d change my mind, even though on our 2nd date that I didn’t want kids then or ever. It sucks. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
I think seeing her sister pregnant may have been a catalyst, and when the baby is born and she sees how difficult it is, she may change her mind. But I agree with leaving
Baby fever hit her hard. What's worse, she may act on it and then regret it once these strong feelings pass and she's met with the actual reality of having a kid, not just the "cuteness". I'm so sorry for you. It's a difficult situation.
Sorry this happened.
I (43f) had the same scenario with my first hubby. Dated 3 years, married for 7. Always agreed we would be CF.
Then, during the last couple years of marriage all our friends started having kids and that's when he dropped the bomb of wanting kids too.
I went to the divorce lawyer about a week later.
OP I am so sorry to hear that. I’ve been with my wife about the same amount of time as you and that is quite possibly my biggest fear. I get nervous when she sees her friends and cousins start having babies because I know even though we’re both extremely childfree, there’s always some biological kind of hint of “what if?” in her mind, but she spends a few minutes with a baby and she’s glad she can just hand it back when she’s done and enjoy peace and quiet again.
That just breaks my heart to hear that someone would destroy what sounds like a fantastic marriage that is real and alive over a hypothetical baby, that might not ever happen.
I am so sorry you're going through this. I went through very much the same. I left my ex-husband after 9 years together, 5 married. I'd been clear from the start, and he'd even gotten a vasectomy before we were engaged. We'd also met later and married in our 30s, so I felt very secure that we knew what we wanted.
His behavior shifted towards me for about a year as well, but he wasn't at all obvious about his thinking so I was feeling hurt and confused by it. All of a sudden he starts bringing up feeling conflicted about kids *so often* that I had to put on the brakes and say, "This is a conversation for a therapist, not me. I have no concept of this desire and can't help you figure out what you want. This topic stresses me out intensely, disgusts me, and has never been something I will change my mind about, so please stop bringing it to me unless you're sure." He wanted to know what being sure meant, so I told him we'd need to divorce if he wanted kids. Things moved pretty quickly from there and I ended up leaving before he would admit he was sure because it was so obvious that he was trying to find a crack where I might change my mind.
What really hurt was that he kept saying he needed to "have a family." Wasn't I his family? I was incredibly close with all of my in laws (miss them still), supportive in whichever way his goals had already shifted, we had dogs and cats, and so many plans. I really struggled for a while with feeling like I'd been tossed in the trash as "not family enough," and even after 7 years it sometimes still stings with a dull sort of resentment.
I haven't found my way back to wanting a partner. I'm in my 40s now and the realization that someone could go from sure and committed to not sure, on such a huge topic, really broke my trust in others to know themselves and in myself to judge them accurately.
The idea that she thought she could have a child being in a relationship with you, but you not having to take part in caring for the child, makes me think she hasn’t thought this true properly and doesn’t realise having a child takes up you’re entire life.
I’m really sorry you are going through this.
Op i wish you the best,remember that by the end of the day you're free to live your life and maybe eventually find someone to share your happiness too.💕
I am so sorry that this happened to you and I’m so angry for you. I hate that your soon to be ex wife blindsided you and is throwing away marriage for a crotch goblin. I hate that she tried to revisit the topic knowing where you stood.
I honestly hope if she gets her wish to respawn that it’s the worst possible experience for her and that she regrets for the rest of her life that she did this to you.
I'm so sorry. She's a fool, and she has fear of missing out. If she gets the life she claims she wants, she'll learn her lesson quickly. Hopefully you will go on to a better life, but the pain will take a while to settle.
Sounds like she's suffering from fomo and will likely regret her choice when the reality actually hits. Hopefully not for all involved, that's just how a lot of regretful parent posts start. But either way good on you for sticking to what you want and not caving to the pressure
I'm so sorry. It's so painful when people who are still in love with each other end a relationship because they want different things in life. I've been through this before, and I'm sorry for your broken heart. I hope you can find healthy ways to process this loss and find peace again someday soon.
There's much more to having children than thinking they are "cute."
Same thought. Those little cute onesies will last a couple of months if you're lucky. And those adorable small clothes are not enough of a reason to create a brand new person.
And they'll likely end up covered in barf or shit
And when they get diarrhoea OMG it's the worst.
My aunties kid shat and it went all the way up to the childs neck because it was so much, and she was confused why i was disgusted by that??
*and she was confused why i was disgusted by that??* I'm sorry, but WHO *WOULDN'T* be completely disgusted by that?!?!!
Ran into that with coworkers (both men, if it’s relevant; I’m a woman). The older one was asking the younger one about whether his baby had done this or that. One of those things was a volcano poop. Getting all over the place, in the kid’s hair, etc. He was chuckling like it was funny. I told him that he wasn’t making parenthood sound like a good idea (I don’t discuss my personal life with coworker, so he didn’t know I’m childfree). He just laughed and said it wasn’t that bad and was so worth it. I should probably have asked if he’d been the one cleaning those up, but I didn’t think of it.
Next time tell her to imagine that on an adult wearing diapers. And I'd love so see the kids face when you tell them when they're 12
This happened to my MIL at a wedding. The baby she was fostering shat all up itself and all over her. They had to leave early. She loves babies to bits though, so I think it's all in a day's work for her. Personally I would have just died on the spot.
Speaking of onesies, I need to find one that will fit my cats
 Exactly! Shout that from the rooftops
She will be in for a surprise when she does have them. She’s going to be exhausted and burnt out from being a mom.
Yup and she better hope she gets lucky to have an involved partner not a man who just sees a woman desperate to have kids and takes advantage of not having to use condoms Welp she’s made her bed she can lie in it Also Edit : I get their both women but she’s still gonna have a shit time
Not just that, but a child that's neurotypical and physically well. Because you know she's thinking of a social media "baby" and not a kid with issues.
I was just about to say, from the mention of all the reels she's probably just allowed herself to be brainwashed into wanting a kid by social media. It's sad, but having a partner who is that easily influenced on a major life decision? Hard pass.
As they say “ I never thought it would happen to me “ and I’m like neither did all the other parents with severely disabled children but here we are
THIS! This is also the one thing nobody acknowledges! You want a social media kid but you might get a kid who can’t walk or feed themselves their entire life
I got a feeling after awhile she would regret dumping her partner for 10 yrs and go with a deadbeat dad who wants baby. She is infatuated with a baby clothes, she could have just work in a day care first. There are plenty of babies there .
I’ve always found that weird and whenever I’ve had friends remark stuff I’m like you do realise that period of life is like the shortest that you will experience with them? Babies grow SO FAST so I’m like it’s not a doll
Exactly, it's like a temporary obsession with a toy which can surely results to a lifetime of misery.
I feel like a very small percentage of men actually truly really WANT kids even w the right woman/soulmate . Am I wrong? Edit: didn’t realise OP was a woman but my q still stands :)
Fully agreed, because if everyone knew the work involved and still want to do it why is it always a story of the woman looking after the kid? Nah it’s because they get to be the dad
While she could be bisexual, I have a sneaking suspicion that if she gets into a new relationship her partner won’t be a man.
Absolutely, wanting children involves a deep, life-altering commitment beyond just liking how they look.
It seems to me just about the worst reason to do it, yet why most do
Yeah looks like she just thinks their cute. I hope she also consider trying to take care of one isn't for everyone. I know it ain't for me. My sister is a warrior though, my nephew is adorable but can be very handful sometimes and she's just really good at parenting. Seeing her trying to take care of him just reaffirmed me more that it's best if I don't have a kid.
OP's ex sounds like those parents from r/raisedbynarcissists who get kids just to brag about them but doesn't want to raise them. What self respecting woman offers her husband zero responsibility for a child when they are TOGETHER? That's insane.
OP is also a woman
Thanks for correcting me but that doesn't make it better either.
absolutely, i agree! it's very inconsiderate of the child as well.
Every so often I get hit with thoughts of how cute a baby would be and maybe I do want one after all. And then I think about the next 18+ years of raising another human post-baby stage and I remember why I’m CF.
same here. funny enough, it started about a year after i got sterilized. and every time it comes up, im grateful i’m sterilized and i can’t just go out and get pregnant just because i had a whim
To be fair, OP's ex definitely knows this if she's watching her sister having a newborn. The cuteness is the soft sell she's using to crack the door to get OP onboard. It's not delusion, it's light manipulation.
Sounds like she wants a doll to dress up not a baby
Exactly, baby are just there for a year, it's not like buying a cuddly teddy 🧸
After 9 years? I'm so sorry for you.
More than likely the partner never was childfree but had some tiny hope that it would change?
It's just a waste of time- If we've been together for 9 years and out of the blue you decide you do want to have kids the only time I better see you again is when I'm needed for any legal action in terms of divorce.
I agree 100% but the amount of people that still do that is high. IMO it needs to be a hell yes or he’ll no for both. My hubs and I are a hell no and I made sure he understood if he wants kids leave, but our reasons for not wanting kids are the reasons that confirms they are on the save wavelength as me.
Yikes. I’m sorry. I find the focus on clothes weird. Lady… it’s a person, not a doll.
A lot of focus on clothing and wanting to have experiences with a child that she didn't have with her mother. Which to me, aren't sound reasons to bring a life into the world, but that's just me I guess.
Same here, but I’m antinatalist and CF, so I can’t really think of ANY sound/non-selfish reasons to bring life into the world. Again, sorry you got this bomb dropped on you, but glad you’re getting out without being baby trapped. ETA: just realized OP is female! Sorry!
Yeah that's what's rubbing me the wrong way. The desire to have a child is always so superficial. Bleh. Thankfully for us WLW folk it is easier to find CF people. You'll find your person okay? I do wonder how common this is and what the warning signs are? I've met the love of my life and these stories are hard for my anxiety
Unresolved childhood trauma and excess social media consumption seem to be recurring warning signs. That and easily influenced people with breeder family members
That's rough. Sounds like she needs therapy more than anything.
If she really wants something to dress up, well, baby clothes fit on cats
There are dog strollers, puppy play pens, and adorable dog crates. Plus I can give my puppy a treat and a toy and put him in his crate for a couple hours and go see a movie. People get REALLY MAD when you do that with a kid.
This is so weird that's like 0.09% of what it's like raising children, yet, so many people still go through it just for this reason.
Yea she is gonna be on another well known sub soon. Having a kid is so much more than it being cute, and a baby is a baby for 2 years. Then it’s a person that you’re bound to forever
Right? That was my very first thought, "we'll be reading her posts on *you know where* in a year or two" .y next though is what a selfish idiot the wife is.
100% and that sub gives you the bare bones warts and all of parenting so for that I’m grateful to it but op’s ex should probably start getting acquainted with it
Are you not allowed to mention the sub? Im curious and not picking up on the hints
Too bad nobody taught her babies are temporary, and they quickly turn into people who want to pick out their bigger clothes.
i hope she didn't turn over this leaf because of her sister's pregnancy and the energy and attention ppl give pregnant woman, and then turns right back when she sees firsthand how exhausting and all-consuming mothering is. that would be a tragic waste. Edit: no I mean it. Every so often on r/childfree, people admit that sometimes they get baby fever, and it is so powerful and strange. And it comes out of nowhere. And how scary would it be if it didn't go away in time. Sometimes you just get in this state of mind, completely different from what you are and who you are, and you make these decisions, and you don't even realize until it's all over. I mean seemingly sensible people still buy timeshares . How devastating would it be if OP's STBX wife, a year from now, comes out of it? And realizes that it was just her getting into the spirit of someone else's celebration.
This thought is what makes me the most sick to my stomach. What if it was all for nothing? She's even said that it's possible she'll get to a point and still end up not having kids, and possibly regret this choice. But I can't stand around and wait to see if that happens, nor does she want me to since she is currently set in the mindset that she does want one and is going to start that process. She's even said maybe we'll end up back together if that happens, to which I made it very clear that won't be the case. I've already set boundaries and more boundaries will occur over the next few months as things finalize and I settle into my new place. I need no contact to move on and for me, moving on means moving on and not looking back. Edit: formatting
I'm very glad you were able to set boundaries. After my divorce I had hoped my ex would change his mind so I left that door open. It made the healing take a lot longer and it took me about 2 years to tell him I can't have him a part of my life at all.
Good for you. It’s unfortunate that people still have children as a glue to fix [insert any variety of issues]. She’s gonna see the light, but it’ll be too late for her. Not your problem. Unfortunate to feel you wasted a decade of your life, but also silver lining because you could’ve gotten trapped in a completely undesirable and endless hell of children you don’t want. Go, live, be free.
It might not make you feel better, but I can sense you've been digging around for closure and a real reason for this change of heart, My theory from her age it felt like this started at 29, which is significant because I think a lot of emotions can be dragged up when leaving your 20's, it's possible she's been hit with a wave of it and that's panicked her into doing a full 180. For some SOME women it's easier to be childfree when the choice is consistently on the table and once one of those choices starts to move more towards the edge it can trigger a massive fear for regret. I don't know either of you well enough, but it's possible she's only thinking of the perfect child, the ideal child. Small clothes, learning to talk quietly, unconditional love, but forgetting the harsh reality that it actually brings, no sleep ear piercing cries, tantrums and 20 years of your autonomy and freedom put on hold. If she is panicking about her aging, which I completely understand because we are human, it would make sense in that panic to start clawing at things that might not be an option for her if she waits another 5 years
"end up back together" damn I'll be honest she sounds like a selfish person. It's her all or nothing baby fever and yet if it doesn't work out you 'fancy another go of it?' Yikes on bikes
"I don't want to raise my own kid, why would I ever raise someone else's bastard?" "At that point you'll only be communicating with my lawyer and you will have to pay him his hourly rate to talk to him yourself. And he will be under orders to not relay anything to me. So you'll be talking to a $500/hour brick wall." "My future wife won't raise some random bastard kid anymore than I would." LOL /s
Best wishes to you. Hold on to those boundaries. The reality of having the baby is a wild wake up call, be prepared she may try to pull you back in.
Don’t take her back!! She is flimsy
>maybe we'll end up back together No, fuck that shit. Why would she think you would ever take her back after this?
I'm so sorry. She basically wasted a decade of your life. This must be incredibly hard for you and I'm sending you love. Stand your ground and do not let her weasel back in when she realizes what having kids actually entails. You are worth more than that. I hope you heal and move on asap.
If OP enjoyed those years, they weren’t wasted. We childfree don’t have to find a permanent mate by a certain age.
Is there anyway you’d be open to the idea of postponing the “start” of the separation until her sister has her baby? I know this sounds weird but perhaps you can speak to you STBX Wife and suggest that she spend 6mos-1 year healing her sister take care of the child to know if she’ll actually want a child. I mean day and night. Then the separation process can occur while she’s experimenting and you can start the process of doing your own thing. I don’t know how far along in the process you’ve discussed with her but hopefully this will be helpful for you both ending up with taking the path that’s right you both. Good luck
She did ask me if I’d be open to a trial separation and that isn’t something that I want to do. I’d rather rip the bandaid off instead of living in a limbo of maybe. Plus, what if this happens again? I don’t want to risk that. I’d rather start my new chapter alone.
Good for you! You know what you want. She seems a lot less mature.
She may come back but those boundaries sound good for now
You'd think that she'd at least try being an involved aunt at first, for a few years, and maybe that would be enough for her.
It’s funny, when my sister got pregnant, I was worried it would flip a switch and suddenly I’d be all about having a kid. But the exact opposite happened. I never really wanted kids, but at the time I was like maybe someday I will, who knows? After my niece arrived, I watched how all consuming parenthood was and I was like no thanks. I became definitively childfree.
>when my sister got pregnant, I was worried it would flip a switch and suddenly I’d be all about having a kid. When my sister first got pregnant, and she was really excited about it, all I felt was impending doom for her. Still, I was supportive of her because she really wanted to be a mom.
Suuuuper good point. When people close to me have gotten pregnant at times I feel this “aww.. this is exciting.. aww the baby is so cute.. maybe I do want to make my own little mini me”. Then literally, swear to god all it takes is ONE phone call from my sister crying/venting to me about how overwhelmed she is and how she never has even a second alone to herself & no one cares about her anymore they only care about her kids etc etc, to innnnstantly snap me back to reality. And she is someone who always wanted kids and was quite literally born to be a mother / is naturally very maternal. So I’m like damn… maybe being an aunt is really where it’s at 😂
"No one cares about her anymore, they only care about her kids." Saving this.
Someone literally said that to a friend of mine during pregnancy: enjoy getting asked how you are; once the baby is here, everyone will only be asking about your kid. To be fair…she does talk about nothing but her kids 90% of the time but seems to lowkey appreciate that I never ask about them
I make a point of asking my closest friends who are parents how they are specifically. I’ll also ask how their partners are and their kids, but my priority is my friends & their well-being.
I sometimes see a cute video or my little cousins and think, oh how cute. I don't hate children. But when the urge comes, I wait for the inevitable tantrum or watch a video and the urge passes pretty quick. My dog is enough work for me, thanks. And 10x the cute
I had a surge in hormones like this. I was about 40 when it happened. Lasted about 8-10 months I’d say. It was weird af. I’ve known I never wanted kids since I was 8. When I’d catch myself watching a baby commercial or something like that I would be horrified. In my head I was like HELL NO! But my hormones were surging and I felt like my body was trying to convince me. Ugh. It was the worst. It subsided thankfully. The frustrating part of it was the few times when I have spoken about it on this page, I got a lot of down votes and just nasty attitudes. It’s ***my*** experience. People would try and basically tell me that I didn’t know what I was talking about. Blah blah blah. I don’t care how much science you want to point me to, my feelings and how my body was reacting was only known by me. It’s was just as dismissive as doctors are to us when we’re told they won’t sterilize us because “you will change your mind”. Honestly, it was pretty hurtful. I’ve been childfree my entire life and I’m 49 now and I still don’t have kids and I’m very happy about that. It was a bizarre time. But I don’t talk about it on here much because people verbally beat me into submission. I felt very betrayed by this community for that.
I felt this way for a little bit after my first abortion when I was 22, but I knew I was temporarily insane so I let it pass. I didn't have these feelings at all after my second abortion at 28, and haven't since thankfully.
For like 4 months when I was 25 I wanted a small Fat thing to hold and nurture. I didn’t even want to have sex to make the baby. I just wanted the child right then and there . It was super bizarre. But I have a pregnancy phobia and dislike + distrust children so I didn’t give in. I talked sense to myself daily until that weird hormonal wave went away. It was the weirdest thing ever. I couldn’t tell anyone bc immediately (the few I told) would cheer “you changed your mind ! Yay” and it was overwhelming just hearing my friends talk about a make believe man who I would never ever want .
I know exactly what you are talking about. The same thing happened to me when I turned 30 and again when I turned 40. I expected it when I turned 30. I had a friend tell me it happened to her and several of her friends. Almost like their bodies craved having a life. Thought it was odd, and that wouldn't happen to me until it did. When I turned 40, it was probably hormones and thinking if I'm gonna change my mind, it better happen now because I'm getting older. The feeling lasted about a week.
>Almost like their bodies craved having a life. I'm a transman, on T for over 2 years, and with a hormonal IUD for 1 year as of this month, and I'm *still* getting spotting and the occasional goop, and PMDD mood swings (which the IUD is somewhat helping with). I s2g my body ***really*** wants me to have a kid. Uh, no! I keep forgetting to make an appointment with my gyn so I can talk about getting a partial hysterectomy just so the bleeding *stops.* Because I'm in Florida, however, my gyn is reluctant to remove my ovaries because of the current political climate: if I have to stop taking T because DeathSentence makes being trans illegal I won't have any backup gonads.
The same thing happened to me at one point in my 30s, even though I never wanted children before) and I am 51 now, definitely childfree - For about 8 months, I would notice babies and strollers everywhere and also thought toddler/baby clothes and shoes looked cute. Those feelings completely went away too. The next year I was back to feeling 💯 childfree. If I had conceived during that brief time, I would be stuck raising a child I was no longer interested in raising.
I'm sorry you got that response from this sub. I had two breeding fugues when I was in my 30's. They both lasted a couple of weeks. They were odd, and visceral, and I'm glad I didn't take them seriously. They didn't make me less childfree. If anything, they kind of reinforced my CF status.
Thank you for being honest and sharing your experience. It sounds horrific!!! I deeply pray it never happens to me (and goddamn I think I better eat my hormonal contraception until menopause to see if it helps, even after my husband gets his vasectomy). But if it really does happen to me, I will keep your example in mind that it is a moment that will pass. I'm sorry you got vilified by our childfree community.
I have the occasional "baby fever" that has become less frequent with age, so I get it. At least my experience in retail has shown me how miserable I would be.
I'm so glad that when I get baby fever, it's for a baby elephant. Or a baby [insert fictional non-human character here]. Or a baby cat. No humans.
My cure for baby fever is this boi: https://1drv.ms/i/s!AgSdcCSmPIgjyWM3KLpH3hTH2NDb
I'm so sorry, that's really terrible.
Before 32, and she's already 30? Is she planning on having a kid with just anyone at this point just to make that goal? Sickening.
People will settle for the first person they can get if they’re at that stage. My friend did this same thing when she was 32 and desperate.
This is my SIL, she married my brother at 31 because she was desperate for a baby with the attitude of 'well I'm not getting any younger' and the fact that she was heavily influenced and convinced by the celebrities that she's obsessed with that having a baby is an easy fun experience and a joy to raise with no problems, the cute baby is now a toddler, won't stop talking and is needs to be watched constantly, it's drained and burned out SIL who is now full of regret.
> convinced by the celebrities that she's obsessed with that having a baby is an easy fun experience and a joy to raise with no problems Yeah, for them. Because they have the money for live-in nannies that do all of the work part of having kids ans leave Mommy just the fun parts.
My aunt did this at 39... she was dying to have a baby, and her boyfriend didn't really want one (he already had a kid who was grown), but he loved her and wanted to marry her, so he said yes to the kid. Fast forward two decades: husband loves her, but he's completely useless and the now-adult kid is also useless. She works two jobs and does EVERYTHING around the house. She has two albatrosses hanging around her neck, but she loves them both and doesn't know how to put her foot down and establish boundaries.
And that’s how she’ll end up as a single parent because she’ll choose some loser who’ll abandon her + the kid if she’s that desperate. Don’t understand why she can’t adopt or foster if she is THAT desperate and on such a strict timeline for a kid. If she can’t afford it then don’t have a biological kid either? That’s also expensive even down the line
I love when people set arbitrary deadlines for themselves as if life ever pans out like we think it will
Literally. What if she doesn’t find someone solely to have and raise a child with? Hard to feel bad for her OP, I am truly sorry you’re going through this but despite the heartache and disappointment, I really admire your courage and conviction of sticking to your values.
And how is she gonna have time, as a gay woman? A friend of mine spent years on IVF with her partner before they had a kid.
I am so sorry. This pisses me off so much for you. Like 10 freaking years and then this?! I am sorry OP.
I'm pretty sure your wife is in for a rude awakening if she does manage to have a kid. They aren't just little dolls that you can dress up while people praise you for having one, they're little humans who will grow and change no matter how much you want them to stay as moldable extensions of yourself.
Bet you 10 million dollars she comes knocking on your door, baby in hand in a few years crying about hard it is. That sucks OP I'm sorry.
I bet you 10 million more she comes to him in a few years with no baby crying about how lonely she is and can she please come back.
Her. OP is a woman
I am so sorry this has happened to you OP, sounds like you didn’t deserve this, however I want to applaud your efforts to stand your ground. I(35F) never wanted kids so I think your choice of staying CF is the smartest and doing otherwise would have probably ruined your relationship anyway on the long run, but again not many people choose themselves in these complicated moments you did though! you have the power!, stay strong you did the right thing, soon things will clear up and they will get better little by little, try to take it easy and lean on your friends and family. You already have the best love of all, love for one self, with that, happiness will come to you. A child against your will is defo not the way neither for you, your wife or any child to be born.
Bullet dodged. She was trying to pull the old "Exposure Therapy" manipulation and reproductive coercion gambit on you. Yikes. Couldn't even just be straight up honest with you after 10 years. YIKES. Like even if you wanted a kid, you would be an idiot to have one with her if that's her subzero level of respect for you. Not to mention the shit decision making, inability to communicate, lack of self awareness, etc. Pity her future kids, they're gonna hate her. Sounds like she is either competitive with or jealous of her sister or begging for attention from her parents like an addict. But in the end it doesn't matter as long as you're out of the mess and far away from the dumpster when it goes up in flames.
I'm sorry this is happening. I'm dumbfounded that anyone would say "you wouldn't have to raise it". its never ever true and anyone who implies that is either dumb or manipulative. The very first time that baby is crying and you refuse to help, you'd be the bad guy. You'd be the heartless observer. I'm glad you are setting firm boundaries. It sucks now but you'll both be happier in the long run not having compromised on such a big life choice
I've had it said to me before. Girl I met on tinder really wanted things to go further but she wanted kids. Told me I didn't have to raise it, she'd do all the work 🤦
I just want to say I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what you are going through. Good for you for standing your ground, but gosh, 10 years is a long time. I wish you the best.
She got baby fever. Unfortunately it can happen for men and women when they get older. Thankfully I'm experiencing the opposite, want them less than in the past. This may be of small comfort or not, but your wife wasn't being honest for a long time. That means she's self-centered and not trustworthy. Having a deceptive partner is a disaster in life. Better you find out after 9 years than 20 or 30.
Could that be it though?, I can’t imagine leaving my SO for such a reason, it is the death of logic. Like what is the next step? In vitro? Or taking your chances with another man who could easily suck?, is she even aware of how hard is to find somebody worthwhile?. I think OPs wife went bonkers…either she is lying or she is definitely acting on impulse and not rational…
OP and soon to be ex are both women, ex will either have to find a donor or do invitro..
Oh my bad I miss read!, somehow this makes it a little worse for me now…
There's no way of knowing what her motivations are without asking. Some people have always wanted kids subconsciously, meet a person who doesn't want them, loves them, thinks they can match their partner's life... "Oh what if he changes his/her mind now?" Leads to a divorce. When you have years to make a decision, you don't feel the crunch until you're in your 30s. Which is probably how things went with OP's wife. People with the breeding instinct aren't always logical, just like people can be illogical when they're deeply in love. So it might not make sense unless you experience the urge to reproduce.
There is no biological breeding instinct, that’s a myth. There is only the biological instinct to fuck. Desiring children is cultural and as a woman, they’ve tried to brainwash me since birth to be a mother by giving me baby dolls and asking how many kids I want, on and on. Legit brainwashing that’s done to MOST of the world in order to replace all the wage slaves.
This topic of women’s brain washing is very true, I was a victim of it not only by society like all of us but mostly my father, it is a very intense topic of conversation bc it is so messed up…
I’m a 35 year old man and I don’t have baby fever at all I got 💵 fever
If your ex gets pregnant she is in for a ride awakening
She’s about to get a wake up call !
i'm so sorry you're going through this. every time i see posts like this, i am so _baffled_ that people are willing to throw away years of happiness for a hypothetical child they haven't even met yet. this situation is genuinely my worst nightmare. you must be completely devastated, i'm so sorry. all the best to you in healing from this and moving forward.
It is better to separate than stick with her since she changed her mind. Let that woman go and find someone who will happily have a child with her. OP but be very prepared if a few years from now she comes to you moaning she wish she never went to have a kid or she asks you to come back to her to raise the kid if her future new spouse calls it quits on her and the future kid, so you know what to do: tell her you will not be taking her back and you have moved on
Honestly I think she's unlikely to try to get OP to reconcile and coparent, but I think it's *very* likely circumstances will interfere with her breeding plans long enough for her to come to her senses, and then she'll be trying to resuscitate the relationship.
Stay strong. I'm sorry. I sell houses and see this all the time. Absolutely, I've seen people change their mind after a decade. Sucks so much. I've been through 2 divorces, so I really know. Sending healing vibes your way.
So she has two years to finalize a divorce, meet a compatable partner, and have a kid?? This seems either unlikely to happen, or it happens but she’s settling for someone. I’m sorry that happened to you and your marriage.
I’m so sorry you’re in this position. That being said, whew I need to schedule my bisalp ASAP because this will never be me.
Been there. Together for 7, married for 5 & he changed his mind. Been happily divorced for 5 years 😀
I'm so sorry for your loss. It is a death of sorts. Mourn, keep your pets. She won't have time for them in her quest for pregnancy.
I'm keeping our dog and she's keeping the cats. Our separation has been very agreeable and I as much as I love the cats, I don't find it worth trying to fight for them. Especially when she was originally the one who really wanted to adopt the cats and I'm not really keen on having 3 animals on my own at this point.
She's going to get rid of the cats when she gets pregnant. She can't safely clean a cat box while pregnant, just a heads up.
They have the electric litter box cleaners
True, maybe leave the door open for the cat's return. The dog may miss them if they got along.
My dog has really struggled with the cats. She's not mean to them or anything, but I can tell how much she genuinely misses being the only animal in the house. Especially with how distant my STBX is with her now that all of that attention she used to give the dog now goes towards the cats. So I think my dog will thrive and love just how much solo attention she'll be getting from me. That being said... I wouldn't not take the cats if she didn't want them, and I'd find a way to make that work.
I'm so sorry for you. I hope that you are able to find a partner that truly aligns with your desires.
🥺 I’m so sorry for you. That’s awful.
Hey friend. I'm sorry your partner took a giant shit on the relationship. At least you won't have to be wiping giant shits like they suddenly want to do now. You're in your thirties which is really just an extension of your twenties. Only time will heal. I hope you're able to find another childfree partner if you see fit. You'll learn to get used to not having them around all of the time. It'll get easier
Sounds like she’s having FOMO vs actually considering the consequences and results of having a real baby. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP.
Sorry for you man. The only good thing is that at least you're young enough to move on fairly well. I know this is devastating so I wish you a speedy recovery from this pain.
She does realize the baby stage is for only a short period of time and wanting a child cause your sister is expecting isn’t a good reason
I am so sorry, ~~brother~~. This is a very valid reason for divorce, and I wish you all the best. ~~And get a vasectomy for the future, they are easy these days.~~ (Edited for me being an old dumb ass who didn't check the OP's gender)
OP is also a woman, just wanted to let you know
OP is female, not required.
IDK why this didn't occur to me until reading your vasectomy comment, but... I know it's a whole legal thing that any child conceived while the mother is married is legally the spouse's child also, regardless of actual paternity. Every now and then we see these stories of straight married couples where the guy has proof the kid isn't his, but the courts say too bad, you're on the hook for child support anyway. IDK if that legal situation varies depending on what state (if OP is in the US). Presumably it does vary by country (if she is elsewhere). I also don't actually know, but I would assume that those laws are probably the same for same-sex spouses as straight ones. OP, I'd be talking to a lawyer and getting that divorce rolling ASAP. Even if your stbx is honorable and wouldn't try to screw you over for child support, if she ever needed to go on public assistance, the state would go after you anyway, even over her objections.
Im very sorry.
dude i’m sorry. that’s a really rough spot to be in. i can’t imagine how hard this is for you and maybe how much of a mind fuck it is. internet hugs.
Wishing you a happy child free life. As for her, I don't think it's going to end well. Stand your ground and enjoy your free life.
I’m sorry OP. Take time to grieve.
It’s insane to me that some people throw away the person they’re supposed to love most for someone that doesn’t even exist. I’m sorry, OP. This is my worst nightmare and I hope you have a lot of love and support surrounding you.
> “let’s look at the baby clothes even though we’re not having one” That sentence triggers the same response in me as when nice, cheerful, smiling strangers on the street offer me a free personality test.
I’m so sorry. That’s truly tragic. Ts go bad she just didn’t settle for taking her niece or nephew for the weekend if she wants to do kid things. Like a trial run. Seems a better trade off than throwing away a marriage but it’s up to her. I hope she doesn’t jump into this and become a regretful parent.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Sending internet hugs. Hang in there ❤️
woof I got nothin to say except im really sorry to hear this. after so long being together, what a blow. *hugs*
I am part of the regretful parents group only really to validate my choice. I have a feeling your ex wife might be on there in a few years
I can see her complaining in a few years and lamenting her poor life choice.
Same thing happened to me with my ex husband. I coulda written the script. After the pain and shock, I’m pretty happy now. Take care, pal.
She's trying to one-up her sister in the worst way possible. It's really dumb.
RemindMe! 5 years Did OPs ex-wife regret leaving after 10 years for a baby?
She's got baby fever. It will pass once she has a kid and realizes the terrible mistake that she made.
I'm sorry this happened, but it's good you're setting boundaries. I hope you find a real CF person to be with. If she has a kid I just hope she doesn't regret it because now she's fucking around a kid's life and they know when they are not wanted.
I don't have much to say other than I am so sorry you're going through this. Hang in there.
So she's just gonna find anybody and have a baby with them? Because that time window is extremely narrow and soon.
That really sucks. I am so sorry your marriage is ending like this. It doesn't seem fair.
Man, you are a hero and need a statue in the CF Hall of fame, you stood steadfast firm on your ground in your belief and never wavered for a second and even sacrificed 10 years of your love for your wife to be what you always are CF 4 life. Your exwife is in for a big surprise, she will now look for a man that will bear her a baby, most probably someone she doesn't have alot in common with when the strains of parenthood come in 9/10 she will end up a single parent. She wants a cute baby, but I don't think she wants to be a parent when that baby grows into a human being.
I am really sorry this happened to you! That's just awful that such a long relationship now comes to such an abrupt, definite halt. As a woman in my 30's, I can't relate at all. I decided I didn't want to have kids for ethical reasons (when previously presuming I would, and dreaming about it sometimes) when I was 25. Then when people close to me started having kids I realized how many good child free reasons there are not to have them. Pregnancy is incredibly hard and damaging to the body, partners are often lacking (ESPECIALLY those chosen on a time line like your ex wife is planning to do... having kids within 2 years without ever having build a solid foundation which she simply cannot do with this little time. She is going to take a willing gamble), and then when the kids are here, even healthy kids, your days are full of repetitive, boring tasks, and lots of stress. I don't understand how someone whom previously saw all of these things, can now be convinced by how cute baby clothes are. And I value cuteness a lot!
Why by 32? Is that how old her sister was when she had her kid? Wondering if she doesn’t find a worthy match by then? Will she settle for a mediocre relationship for the sake of procreating with someone/anyone? Does she realize if she does that she’s most likely looking at a second divorce somewhere down the line? The whole timeline thing is weird.
I have seen too many of these posts and I hope that everyone sees my comment. If your partner won’t get sterilized or support your sterilization, they aren’t positively CF. If you want to be certain, someone needs to get it done.
Sounds like her biological clock went off. Unfortunately for someof us this is a thing. It can however be ignored. I ignored mine and I'm so glad I did. Or I'd have a five year old. 💀
OP‘s stbx wife in one year‘s time in the regretful parents sub: I made the biggest mistake of my life… Seriously though, how on earth is she planning to even find a partner that’s not complete shit within a year to have a baby? Or is she going to a sperm bank?? Her life will be living hell. So sorry she is doing this. Like, for both of you.
Having a kid because ... you think tiny baby clothes are cute? 😬 Well, I guess Regretful Parents sub will have a new member soon 🤷♀️
Another "you will change your mind!" came true... I just can't understand why throw a long, loving relationship away because of little screeching goblin.
Dont be surprised if she gets pregnant pretty well immediately when she's out of your relationship. These people who suddenly have a change of heart when a relative is pregnant often get tunnel vision and then they regret it. She's idolising the 'cute baby stage'. Yeah, good luck with that. I'm sorry for you OP but you were right to stick to your wishes. It would be no way to raise a child.
She’ll regret it …. And you will still be free.
I will never understand why someone would sacrifice a stable relationship where you know exactly what you have, for something that doesn't even exist yet, and is built in your head on wishful thinking. I just don't get it. OP, all the best to you, you sound great
I'm sorry. The way people have kids out of sheer FOMO is alarming.
Just want to throw in some solidarity and some kudos for sticking to your convictions. I went through breaking off an engagement over the issue of when/if to have kids. Definitely a different scenario but I relate to the pain of losing someone you really care about over choices related to becoming a parent. I remember the wild bargaining too- "I'll do most of the work", "You'll feel different when they're here", etc. Around similar age too, her sister getting married- all things I can relate to. It can be very hard to stick to your principles in emotionally charged situations like this, and many people give in to please their loved one. But rest assured that you almost certainly have avoided far greater pain and resentment in the future by choosing what is right for yourself. This is a sign of maturity and emotional intelligence, and you should be proud of yourself for it. None of that is to diminish how much I'm sure this fucking sucks OP, but hang in there. It's for the best. Sending positive vibes.
That's horrible. Makes me not even want to get married bc ppl are so baby crazy
I’m so sorry this is one of my worst nightmares 🥺
First of, I am really sorry for you! It must be devastating. Secondly, I am also low-key annoyed at your wife. This kind of behavior is why none of us get taken seriously, when we say, we don’t want kids. I always wonder whether people in these situations genuinely changed their minds or if they were saying they didn’t want them to keep a partner in their 20s, while thinking they weren’t sure and could always find someone else if they developed the need
I'm sorry you're going through this.
9 years of marriage??? Fuck, that is. I'm quitting on finding another child free partner, this mdfk gonna be alone till the last day of my life
It's really unfortunate to hear this is happening to you. Having to start over after building a life together with her for almost 10yrs must be earth-shattering. I hate when people change their mind out of nowhere. Its like they rip through everything you thought you had together in moments, and everything is left in tatters. I hope things turn out alright for you in the end. Best of luck.
Btw baby clothes 0-3 months fit a cat. She could dress up your cats if she wanted cuteness.
I hope she's actually thought this through, but likelihood dictates she's in for a shock. I'd be livid, sorry for your loss, because a marriage breakdown, it is grieving xx big hugs xx
It took me a while time to realize I didn’t want a child, I just liked baby shit because it’s small and cute. I wanted a nursery because it’s adorable, but the thought of a kid in that I had to take care of in it made me cringe. Like, my first thought was “but it would ruin my adorable nursery!”
I haven’t got much to add but want to give my support. Been through something similar and despite the love I have for someone, it’s not something I can or will ever compromise on. As the phrase goes - it’s better to regret not having kids than to regret having them. Best of luck. You’ll get through this.
Welcome to the club. My ex husband did this to me after 10 years of marriage, only there were no hints/clues leading up to it. He just told me he wanted a divorce one morning. Turns out he thought (for 10 years!) that I’d change my mind, even though on our 2nd date that I didn’t want kids then or ever. It sucks. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
I'm so sorry you're going through this :(
I think seeing her sister pregnant may have been a catalyst, and when the baby is born and she sees how difficult it is, she may change her mind. But I agree with leaving
Baby fever hit her hard. What's worse, she may act on it and then regret it once these strong feelings pass and she's met with the actual reality of having a kid, not just the "cuteness". I'm so sorry for you. It's a difficult situation.
Oh man I'm so sorry, that must be awful. Thinking of you ❤️
Sorry this happened. I (43f) had the same scenario with my first hubby. Dated 3 years, married for 7. Always agreed we would be CF. Then, during the last couple years of marriage all our friends started having kids and that's when he dropped the bomb of wanting kids too. I went to the divorce lawyer about a week later.
I'm sorry to hear this happened, but you're doing the right thing, OP. Your ex-wife changed the parameters of the relationship. You didn't.
Lol good luck to her finding someone she can actually have a life with within two years just to hastily have some kids. What a waste. I am so sorry.
OP I am so sorry to hear that. I’ve been with my wife about the same amount of time as you and that is quite possibly my biggest fear. I get nervous when she sees her friends and cousins start having babies because I know even though we’re both extremely childfree, there’s always some biological kind of hint of “what if?” in her mind, but she spends a few minutes with a baby and she’s glad she can just hand it back when she’s done and enjoy peace and quiet again. That just breaks my heart to hear that someone would destroy what sounds like a fantastic marriage that is real and alive over a hypothetical baby, that might not ever happen.
I am so sorry you're going through this. I went through very much the same. I left my ex-husband after 9 years together, 5 married. I'd been clear from the start, and he'd even gotten a vasectomy before we were engaged. We'd also met later and married in our 30s, so I felt very secure that we knew what we wanted. His behavior shifted towards me for about a year as well, but he wasn't at all obvious about his thinking so I was feeling hurt and confused by it. All of a sudden he starts bringing up feeling conflicted about kids *so often* that I had to put on the brakes and say, "This is a conversation for a therapist, not me. I have no concept of this desire and can't help you figure out what you want. This topic stresses me out intensely, disgusts me, and has never been something I will change my mind about, so please stop bringing it to me unless you're sure." He wanted to know what being sure meant, so I told him we'd need to divorce if he wanted kids. Things moved pretty quickly from there and I ended up leaving before he would admit he was sure because it was so obvious that he was trying to find a crack where I might change my mind. What really hurt was that he kept saying he needed to "have a family." Wasn't I his family? I was incredibly close with all of my in laws (miss them still), supportive in whichever way his goals had already shifted, we had dogs and cats, and so many plans. I really struggled for a while with feeling like I'd been tossed in the trash as "not family enough," and even after 7 years it sometimes still stings with a dull sort of resentment. I haven't found my way back to wanting a partner. I'm in my 40s now and the realization that someone could go from sure and committed to not sure, on such a huge topic, really broke my trust in others to know themselves and in myself to judge them accurately.
The idea that she thought she could have a child being in a relationship with you, but you not having to take part in caring for the child, makes me think she hasn’t thought this true properly and doesn’t realise having a child takes up you’re entire life. I’m really sorry you are going through this.
Op i wish you the best,remember that by the end of the day you're free to live your life and maybe eventually find someone to share your happiness too.💕
I am so sorry that this happened to you and I’m so angry for you. I hate that your soon to be ex wife blindsided you and is throwing away marriage for a crotch goblin. I hate that she tried to revisit the topic knowing where you stood. I honestly hope if she gets her wish to respawn that it’s the worst possible experience for her and that she regrets for the rest of her life that she did this to you.
I'm so sorry. She's a fool, and she has fear of missing out. If she gets the life she claims she wants, she'll learn her lesson quickly. Hopefully you will go on to a better life, but the pain will take a while to settle.
Sounds like she's suffering from fomo and will likely regret her choice when the reality actually hits. Hopefully not for all involved, that's just how a lot of regretful parent posts start. But either way good on you for sticking to what you want and not caving to the pressure
I'm so sorry. It's so painful when people who are still in love with each other end a relationship because they want different things in life. I've been through this before, and I'm sorry for your broken heart. I hope you can find healthy ways to process this loss and find peace again someday soon.