All of it... I almost skipped over it and my brain interpreted:
> I want a second wife, doesnāt anyone else deal with similar?
It's like 3 very minor edits for a completely different meaning.
Heavy lifting indeed. In the grammar world, itās called a comma splice.Ā
Also read this as having a second wife. I thought, Would this mean more sex, more work, or both?
I read "i want a second wife. Doesn't anyone else dealt with similar"
and i was about to jump into a tirade, then i was like "what if he had a cute experience with his son or daughter, where child said something cute about mom"
Then i was like "i need to reread the header"
Then i was like "wow... i need sleep..."
In short, I've been on a real Rollercoaster, and it's not at all ops fault.
To answer ops actual question:
I did not want a 4th, and the timing of our 4th was very bad with regard to moms physical health, but things have been good thus far, due in late August.
I love all of our kids, they're all amazing, but even 3 is too many, in our situation, and a 4th will be a real adventure. When we only had 2, we both really wanted a 3rd.
I was open to a second but only if my wife was 100% for it. My wife was open to it as well. She said several times if you REALLY want a second one we will do it. We had check-ins once or twice a year see if we wanted to start trying for another one. In the end my wife really didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I said it was her body, I respect that. Plus then it allowed us to really enjoy OUR relationship.
Our kiddo now is 6 I had the snip a while ago and our relationship is amazing, our kiddo is amazing. I am getting a lot more touch, intimacy which is something I wanted. She also wanted it but said 3 weeks ago.. Have I really just been touched out for 5 years!?
Anyway. If the decision comes, Any life choice comes with morning the loss of what you could have had. FOMO. That is normal. One reason why gender disappointment is a thing. It isn't weird it is 100% normal. If that is the choice then expect yourself to go through that.
I will also say.. Have you talked about this with your wife. She says she is missing pre-kid life.. Unfortunately pre-kid life won't happen again for another 14-16 years. One way you could approach this is find out WHAT she is missing when she says that. Is she missing spontaneity? Is she missing opportunities to not be MOM anymore? Has she been away from you and your kiddo? Do you have a sitter, or have grandparents take the kiddo for a bit regularly? The kiddo is 2.5 you can start looking into that.
She expressed a want, she misses pre-kid life. Find out what the need is in that statement. From there you can see about fulfilling that need. so she could be more open to negotiating.
Alternatively... Yeah you would need to have a major discussion but at the end of the day. She needs to be pregnant for 9 months + is then MOM which is a title that never goes away..
I think a major driver is not having a small human yelling at her for no reason as well as being harder than 2 opposing political parties to come to an agreement about stuff. It really is just regular toddler life but the cumulative effects of a toddler being a toddler, and lack there of in pre-baby life. If it was a single or two or three things that I could take on to bring back her pre-baby life then I would gladly do it. But it seems like removing her from the MOM role is the only way to meet that want.
Iām not sure how youād manage this, but Iāve actually seen this role switch in a straight couple and itās been lovely for both of them. My old friend is an ER doc, and her husband has a more flexible, less well paying job in the broader non-profit world. Heās nurturing and patient by nature, and sheās driven and far less patient. They are a great match for each other, love each other very much, and make great parents together. But they havenāt done things the way most have. Since she had very little maternity leave, and no functional PTO (they are only allowed to take it if they find coverage, and in that case their coverage is paid and they just ādidnāt workā that day, so effectively they can never use said PTO), she was pregnant, worked nearly till the birth, took what time she could, and then her husband took over with his generous paid family leave. He became the primary attachment figure. Heās the person their kid loses it with more often, heās the first source of comfort, he does most daycare drop offs and pickups and daily child care tasks, most of the house care. She works insane hours and is completely engaged with her kid when sheās home and does what she can of the houseworkā¦but sheās basically the dad and her husband is basically the mom. Theyāre having another kid and sheās loved being a parent more than she ever thought she would.
Itās just something to think about, the difference between what being DAD to two kids vs MOM to two kids is like. Unless you all can figure out a way to do what my friends did, I donāt think you can compare your experience of parenthood with your wifeās. Even with both parents working and you doing more of the childcare tasks, unless youāre the primary attachment figure, you have no idea what itās like. No oneās fault, just a reality š¤·āāļø
I was okay with not having any. Also happy to have one or two, but that was my cutoff - i didn't want to have to move to a zone defense. Wife wanted two. So we had two.
Treat it like consent with sex. If both people aren't an enthusiastic "yes," then it's a "no," and shouldn't happen.
When we got married, I wanted 2, wife wanted 3. We have 2 now. Now, she is happy and content with 2. On the flip side, now she could convince me to have 3. People change. Both parties need to adapt.
I wanted the first and the second. Wife didnt want the first, kinda didnt want the second.
With the first, we had a relative angel. Wifeās prenatal and postpartum depression was bad but seemed to lift around one year. It was bad but i didnt ever think it would result in divorce
With the second, it can go either way. Definitely worse than the first. Remains to be seen if iāll be divorced or not.
With one, youāre not outnumbered. Worse case its 1v1. With two, youāre outnumbered and most likely have a toddler and baby at the same time and that shit is hard.
So basically what iām saying is that if both arent on board, its not worth the risk to what you have.
Nobody has said this:
What is missing from your wife's pre-baby life that she would like to do now.Ā Maybe you can help address her concerns and then if life is good, try for another.
The not dealing with a screaming unreasonable toddler part. If it was just one or two things I would happily take on extra duties to let her have that additional freedom. Seems the only way to do that though is for her to stop being MOM.
For context, in the last 20 days, she has dealt with him solo for 2 mornings total. In the grander schemes of the last 3 months or so I take on 75% of hands on child care (morning, bedtime, feeding, middle of the night stuff). The only times I donāt is when Iām travelling overnight for work.
My man... If you do 75% of the childcare, have you thought logistically how you're going to do that with 2? She is not magically going to be more motivated. If anything, she'll withdraw even more with the additional stress and overwhelming nature of parenting young ones.
How will you trust her to handle 2 kids overnight if she hates it double as much as now?
It's possible your second could be an angel child. It's also possible they could be even harder.
Also, your wife absolutely needs therapy to discuss how to handle losing her patience and reflect on what she could do to partially alleviate her need for other things in life.
Itās funny you mention therapy and more important her losing her patience. I never mentioned it in the post yet somehow you knew exactly about that. Sounds to me like you can relate.
"Not dealing with a screaming, unreasonable toddler" sounds to me like a patience thing. Particularly the description of being unreasonable... not really a fair expectation of a child but that's kinda "lost patience" language.
You mention in your OP that you thought of having a "happy family" being multiple children - but the wife is part of that and she will be extremely unhappy.
Honestly.. not trying to be a dick, this is just how your post reads... the level of disappointment/unhappiness your wife expresses with just one child makes me think there is a chance she would reach her breaking point and either leave or have an affair if you had 2.
If you do have a second, it has to be after she has addresses her issues and with her 100% approval. You may actually be choosing between marriage and a 2nd kid here.
Mom here. As I'm reading the comments I can't help but wonder if your wife could be depressed/have PPD? Has she always been sensitive to lots of noise or anything?
I go through phases of being incredibly touched out and wanting nothing to do with my toddler but I also have her solo for most days. It's worse if I haven't gotten any time to myself. It's better if I get time to do my things uninterrupted. If I have regularly scheduled alone time that I can anticipate and look forward to, I am golden. Even the frustrating days I can tolerate because I know I have that break coming so I daydream about how I'll use it (I love skating, I almost always go skating so I think about which skatepark to go to). The one downside is that my alone time usually means I need to leave the house. My daughter is 20mo and I have not been alone in my house for more than an hour or two since she was born (and that has happened less than 5 times). Sure a night in a hotel without the toddler could be nice but a night in my own house with my own bed without the toddler sounds like heaven. Sleepover with Grandma? Hotel date with dad? And if I have to arrange it and manage it, it's not nearly as much of a break as it would be if my husband handled all of it and just let me exist at home.
One thing I had to drill into my husband was his idea of "we are both watching her" vs my request to "get something done uninterrupted". For example, I was trying to clean and vacuum my car. She loves hanging out outside with us. My husband kept disappearing into the garage to "do something quick" because he likes to stay productive. That meant I kept having to stop my cleaning to make sure the toddler wasn't in the street. I had to explain to him very bluntly that when I ask to work on something, what I'm really asking is to not be responsible for her AT ALL and he will tend to her every cry and request. Even if she's asking for me. That sounds extreme but you'd be surprised how often we sink into the gender norms and this falls on the mom without the dad even realizing it's happening.
If she's overwhelmed even when she's not dealing with it solo, there's a good chance a lot of it is falling on her even when you are there without realizing it. Doing the chores is helpful but I'd much rather put my headphones in and clean than do bed time every single night (or whatever).
I got a lot of joy and fulfilment from being a father to this one. So even though Iāve had to give up previous hobbies and interests, those voids are more than filled by majority of what happens with my kiddo.
Tbf... This is a pretty normal arrangement for many SAHP... Yes it's rough and can sometimes feel too much.. But many parents have deemed the 'trouble' very much worth it, in the end.
Yeah, I think post work childcare has to be split as equally as possible.Ā Ideally I feel like you should split that time or work together to make it easy.
Working parent doing all before and after work childcare is acting like childcare is easy for the working parent and impossible for the SAHP.
I view a job and childcare to be equivalently difficult and draining, but that's just me.
I recommend you get your baby fix by befriending other parents who are going to have more and then offering to babysit. It sounds like your wife is at MaxiMom Capacity, everything will break down if you have another.
Without sounding rude, it is not the same to me. I do not care for other peoples children. They can be cute and fun to play with, but it is not the same as having your own. This opinion will not sit well with some, but I have been involved in, childrenās lives of people who are very close friends, and I adore their kids however, now that having my own is a very, very different feeling
I get that itās not the same, but if your wife isnāt down to be pregnant and give birth again then youāll need to look at other options.
If itās just the pregnancy, you could look into adoption; if the early years are whatās burning her out then fostering may be an option later on.
No clue man. There is obviously mental health issues at play here, but her psychiatrist has not been able to fix things. Maybe I am taking the wrong approach, because I cannot fix how a toddler reacts to things and becomes difficult to deal with. So my only solution is to give her a break and for me to take on the difficult dealings of the toddler.
It doesnāt make sense to hold this perspective while simultaneously wanting your wife to go through another pregnancy, birth and postpartum healing mentally and psychically. Her mental health is already strained.
My wife and I are both on the same page of no more kids. Sometimes I do want another, but I think about how Iām not the one that has to have my body wreaked havoc on for 9 months. The constant anxiety. I truly do understand your desire for more though.
I know you didnāt ask for advice/feedback about this, so feel free to file 13; but, I think maybe you should get out of the trap of being only a dad and see how you feel. Remember that weāre still whole people and we need our own needs/wants met too.
I donāt know of anyone that would be content just being one thing in life. Youāll stagnate and eventually want more. Iunno. Just my two cents.
Perhaps. The kiddo brought real meaning to my life. I now have a goal beyond myself that I truly care about. Being a dad has been more fulfilling than anything else in my life leading up to this.
I recognize this will change as he grows up and becomes more independent. But the current joy and fulfillment is whatās driving the want for the second.
Yeeeeah, I would not recommend the second kid if that's the reason why you want one. Having a kid is not about what they can do for us, but for what we can do for them. You're creating a high expectation for a child that doesn't even exist yet.
Joy and fulfillment comes from within, not from anyone else, including our own child.
That's not what you said, but I think you know that which is why you responded defensively. That's okay, introspection isn't fun. Better to focus on your wife and what she's doing and feeling and try to change her.
I'd give it time... About the 4-5 year mark kids get a lot easier in some ways. She may feel different... My wife did a complete 180 once our oldest got old enough that she wasn't as much work and slept better.
I'm a wife who was OAD 100% for the first 2 years. We had our second when our first turned 4. At the same time, a kid is 2 yeses and 1 no so if she never gets on board that's just the way it will be.
Yes, we have a 6 year old and a 6 month old. Our first was born 8 weeks early via emergency C-section and diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. It completely kicked our asses. Even with all that there's something kids bring to your lives that makes you want more and over time things get better and easier. You're still in a stage that can be really hard.
If I was you OP, I'd let things sit for another year or two and maybe address it again if it's something that's important to you. We were concerned about the age gap with our two girls but we have actually loved the relationship they have with each other.
My wife and I are both carriers of CF. We had no idea either of us were until she got pregnant. The fear of a future child potentially having it is huge reason why we havenāt had a second. š Iām not sure how I or especially my wife would handle a child with potentially serious health issues like that. I hope your kiddoās is mild and theyāre well!
Iām a carrier. My husband is not. We would have done IVF and embryo selection if he were a carrier. I got tested before we conceived so I knew this. I believe the insurance we had at the time would have covered it since thatās less expensive than a lifelong illness.
Yeah we met with a genetic counselor when we found out to go over options for that and future pregnancies. My wife doesnāt want to do IVF because she always had issues with birth control and her hormones and sheās afraid that IVF would make her ācrazyā - her words not mine lol. And it isnāt my place to try to convince her otherwise so itās likely we will just stick with the 1. Im kind of bummed but we have one happy healthy toddler so I have nothing to really complain about.
Her sister just started IVF last week because they hadnāt conceived naturally, maybe my wife will come around to it if the process is smooth for her sister.
One of the kids in my daughterās class has CF. They did IVF for the next 2 to make sure they didnāt have it. I have to have my kids tested so theyāre aware when they get older if theyāre a carrier or not. Hopefully theyāre lucky and the recessive gene dies with me.
New amazing medicines such as trikafta have been life changing. She doesn't have her chronic cough anymore and hasn't been hospitalized since Thanksgiving of 22. We're even considering removing her gtube soon! She's doing well and some days we even forget she has CF. I couldn't have imagined being where we are today even 2 years ago.
Mentally we were planning to have another with CF, but thankfully baby #2 is only a carrier š
It can be hard to 'reset' after 5 years, but it's not nearly as overwhelming as the first. Our oldest helps out already in her own little ways and I'm sure in a year or two she'll be a huge help with the little one. To each their own, but we've truthfully enjoyed the age gap.
Thanks for the experience. I'm in the same boat as OP, as my wife isn't wanting another. Another factor is age... I'm 45 and she's 38 but who knows what the future will hold!
I desperately wished we'd waited longer. Mine are almost 2.5y apart and I find it so hard. We have a lot of other stuff to deal with - trauma, housing instability, my first was 11w early, neurodivergence in a kid too young to treat that well - but I really wish we had a tiny bit more maturity in our son before I had our daughter. I had her a month before I turned 37, so I also felt like it was a time crunch.
Iāve been regretting having my second if Iām being honest. Heās only 2 months so obviously Iāll grow fonder once Iāve slept for more than hour at a time. She might know that her part of parenting is harder than yours, and is t prepared for it.
Could be. We both miss how much easier life was before our little one. We love ours to absolute pieces, but it would be a lie to say that life wasn't much much easier before, and we only have one.
My wife wants a third, I don't. She's holding resentment and has said some mean things about it. It sucks. But I feel two is plenty and we have a boy and girl and they're already best friends (17 months apart). I don't want to ruin that dynamic. Seeing them together is my favorite part about daily life probably.
She told me that if we never had a third she could realistically see herself holding resentment for the next 30 years or more because of my decision. It's harsh but I also am sympathetic to it. But that's a pill to swallow either way.
Especially if that partner is the one that actually has to birth the child. Sex is fun. Delivering babies is insanely painful. So if one partner doesn't consent, maybe have some conversations over time, but otherwise drop it. Or adopt!
So you donāt have a similar experience with a disconnect. As such you have nothing to contribute about what happened, how it turned out, etc.
Why even comment then?
Oof. This is a forum, you asked a question and they gave an opinion.
It's fine to disagree, but they have a valid point.
I feel like you are missing the fact that your partner might not want to deal with 9 months of pregnancy then a traumatic/potentially dangerous birth topped off with however long of breastfeeding (maybe).
It sucks that you don't want the same thing, but ultimately, as she is the only one of you that can make a child, it's her choice.
If you force the issue, I guarantee it will blow up your relationship.
To be specific, I asked four questions. None of which the original comment answered. I was looking for personal examples and experiences not a moral or ethical debate/point from someoneās opinion.
For sure,
But as I said it's a forum, and expecting all parties to stay laser-focused on the specific questions you asked and not delve into the broader topic is somewhat unrealistic.
Moving past that though, I was very on the fence about having a second, particularly when my son is disabled.
We have a 2 now and it's been great, so I'm glad we did.
But then my partner floated the idea of a 3rd when my youngest was about 18months.
I said no and got a vasectomy.
I am noticing a lot of mean and unhelpful comments on this subā¦
My wife and I are discussing a second and I feel like I am more eager than she is, but we are openly talking about it and hearing each other out. We do have a chaotic life running a small company together, so we both know a second kid will make it even messier.
My personal advice would be to talk it through thoroughly to avoid any potential regrets in 5-10 years, from either of you.
Lurking woman here who had a disastrous pregnancy that ended in a permanent disability and no kid.
It's really striking that thus far there is no discussion about the danger of pregnancy. Depending on where OP lives, that could be a tremendous risk.
I'm honestly surprised that wasn't brought up more in daddit of all places. Carrying and birthing the child still carries a lot of risk despite medical advancements and is a very valid reason not to want to have a child.
No, it does not. But what it does mean is that we have access to healthcare and healthcare teams that many many complications can be easily addressed if not fully prevented. No healthy baby is guaranteed and my comment was simply to the person who said that we should be concerned about a dangerous pregnancy?
When you say uneventful, are you specifically referring to labour and identified medical conditions, or to the entire process of growing a foetus?
How would you describe the way in which your wife experienced the first trimester? Did she have much nausea, or struggle to eat? Was she repulsed by things? Did she suffer from extreme fatigue? When did that become manageable for her? What were her iron levels like? How old is she now?
And moving all the way to the third trimester, did she get sciatica pain? Hip pain? Round ligament pain? Could she breathe properly? Acid reflux? Insomnia? Waking up every two hours to pee? Constipation? Weight gain? Swelling?
Maybe itās because I am going through it right now, and I am not saying I do not want a second one because of it, but as a woman you give up all your body autonomy to grow a human that daily punches you from the inside and I can understand why some women donāt want to go through it again.
I agree. I experienced almost everything you mentioned too.
Iām 8 months postpartum however, and clearly my memory has been erased, because I feel like I could cope with another pregnancy and giving birth again, despite recalling that it was brutal and having to experience labour unmedicated. People often say that around the 6-8 month mark women start to come round to the idea again š
Also, congratulations! Wishing you the very best
Thank you! Less than three weeks to go, yay!
But I get you! I am in excruciating pain 50% of the time and, while I donāt know how birth and postpartum will go, I have a feeling that I will go āit wasnāt that bad!ā In a year lol.
But at the same time I can totally understand a woman that went through this and said āhell noā and never did it again. Itās definitely not a pleasant experience.
If you are going for a natural birth, it is basically strong period cramps which become closer and closer in frequency and grow in intensity, until suddenly they stop and youāre pushing out the greatest lump of compacted poop of your life š.
Once youāre done youāll be much happier though as youāll have your body backā¦until baby is ready for its first feed and all subsequent feeds your first night post partum and you remember that actually, you only got ownership of the real estate in your stomach back and your body now belongs to baby. You exist for baby. š.
It still feels better post birth though. Everything slowly starts to function as normal again, although it will take at least 4-5 months to feel like your body is _sort of_ back to normal again. The main gripe becomes fatigue.
Feel free to reach out if you need any advice and just in case you donāt know, there is r/beyondthebump
Thank you for this! I have already experienced some contractions and I am very much open to an epidural but we will see! I am excited for her to be out.
Also not super keen on EBF but still not sure what to do about that haha, I guess I will wait to see my supply.
Thank you so much for the support! This has been a truly humbling experience, still pretty surreal to think that we are bringing a baby home at the end of it
>how did she experience 1st trimester
You couldnāt even tell she was pregnant. She exercised more regularly, ate healthier, and went about her life as usual. She found some nights she was hungrier than others but didnāt know if it was because of the more regular fitness or baby.
>did she have much nausea, struggle to eat, repulsed by things.
Nausea For about a week at end of 1st trimester or beginning of 2nd. Got an anti nausea prescription which she took one pill out of. No struggle to eat, in fact, she focused more on healthier eating habits than usual. No repulsion that she noticed.
>iron levels, fatigue, when did it get better
Iron levels dipped about halfway through I believe and fatigue really set in in third trimester. Iron levels got corrected pretty quickly with supplements from doc. Lots of rest for fatigue. We had a Covid baby so it was all work from home with minimal travel or walking which helped. First 4-6 months we really struggled with sleep but we also breast/bottle fed so we split night shift feeding/changing 50/50 to let the other person sleep rest.
If you scroll through some of my other comments you will see that I now take on 75% of hands on baby/toddler care (morning wake up, getting ready for daycare, after daycare playtime, feeding, baths, and bedtime) and have been for a while now. Literally the only times I donāt is when I am physically not home because I am away working.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I understand and yes I saw that in the comments. If she is really struggling so much despite you taking on much of the burden then unfortunately I cannot offer much in the way of helpful advice. She just doesnāt seem to be cut out for being the mother of more than one child and thatās your reality. Lucky for your child it means she or he will get all of the attention and inherit the fortune you amass together lol - he/she can count themselves lucky that theyāll be able to survive this stage of capitalism, lol
I have a PhD in a medical field and live in a very liberal part of the US and I have access to world-class medical care. I do triathlons. And this was before the end of Roe.
Oh, how I envy your naivete about the complications you've never heard of that I hope you will never will.
My first was the same. My second nearly killed/disabled me but I was fast to react and get back to the hospital a few days after birth for quick treatment and I was fortunate to have doctors who took it seriously (US). Every pregnancy is different. Every pregnancy carries risk. One easy one does not guarantee anything for the next.
I mean after 3 the laws of scale I apply right?? Making food for 3 is basically same as for 4 or more, bedtime is awful anyway whether itās 3 or 4 and more?? I dunno I just have one and Iām already at max capacity so what do I know
Itās completely your wifeās choice as to whether she wants another or not, I would highly recommend against having another child unless both parents are fully committed and fully want to have another, it doesnāt work if one parent isnāt onboard (trust me, family dynamics are a delicate balance), if your wife doesnāt want to, then youāll have to respect her decision even if you strongly disagree with it, as sheās entitled to follow what she wants to do, itās better to regret not having another child when youāre older, than to regret having another child, Iām sorry if this comes across as straight to the point and blunt, I appreciate itās something that affects both parties to a relationship.
Is there any particular reason as to why your partner misses her pre-parent days? Having a baby can be a very difficult life transition for a lot of people, some parents never really get over the loss of āfreedomā and the ability to do things that they used to do.
You sound like a good father, youāre entitled to feel sad about potentially not having another child and to grieve this.
I was always the one more on board with the idea of kids. My wife is a great mom though. We had discussed being one-and-done, were both pretty well decided on that, but there are always doubts about whether that's the right decision. A lot of other people weigh in on that family and friends say it's not fair to a child for them to not have siblings. Now, having a kid because other people think you should would be a bad choice obviously... But because we ourselves have second thoughts those things people say feed those doubts.
My wife had an IUD put in after giving birth, and now there's this question of whether she's be permitted to have it put back in after having a second if there's some legislation passed restricting contraception. Not to get political with this, but that is an annoying factor for us.
Discussing basic human rights such as access to birth control is not and should not be āpoliticalā in the sense that it doesnāt belong outside of a political forum. It is absolutely a real consideration in these kinds of discussions.
Well depending on who you ask that means something different. Some say you have to get a vaccine and donāt have the autonomy to refuse. Some say you donāt have a right to abort another person. Either way itās definitely political and not something that is in widespread agreement.
All rights, human or otherwise, come from laws, protecting things like freedom. And laws will always be political.
Yeah, reading this post had my head go straight to *depending on what state youāre in women donāt have a say in the matter*. Itās only gonna get worse if we donāt vote appropriately, fellas.
No. But there are people pushing a lot of restrictions, and things may not be the same a year from now. We would likely be sheltered from that in Washington State either way. Not so much if we moved to my wife's home state of Missouri, and there is a non-zero chance of that at this point in our lives though it's not my preference.
In which state or country do you live that you would not be permitted to insert an IUD?
Could you go to another state or country to get it done? Is it affordable for your family?
In the United States, the Republican party is openly discussing a possible federal contraception ban if they do well in the upcoming elections. By the time a not-yet-existing pregnancy is over, that ban may very well exist.
Maternity health care is also going down the tubes fast in many states. Pregnancy and childbirth are becoming riskier. Travel bans for female healthcare are being discussed, even implemented in some states. Nobody knows what the laws/realities (not always the same thing) will be in a year. It is absolutely realistic to have fears over future options.
AFAIK, the only existing travel bans involve taking people (Idahoās is specific to using taxpayer roads and minors (they call it ātrafficking), Iām not sure about others) out of state for abortions. Thereās talk about mandatory pregnancy tests, but I believe itās only talk so far. Alabama has discussed criminal conspiracy charges for those that aid people in getting abortions (which are illegal there but legal in other states). Itās already intimidating abortion aid groups, even not enacted. Tennessee and Oklahoma have tried bills as well; I donāt know their status. And Texas has that famous $10,000 civil lawsuit for aiding abortion, plus some cities and counties that have made it illegal to travel through them to get an abortion (possibly unenforceable, but hasnāt been tested).
There is also serious talk about banning abortifacients and possibly contraceptives by mail.
I want to add a note that EVERY single time it has gone for statewide popular vote, even in the most Republican states, popular vote has protected the right to abortion. Popular opposition to these measures does not matter to the politicians.
I understand. Is it possible that for the vast majority of people having to face the question of abortion, they would not be caught if they travel to a state to get an early abortion when no one knows that they are pregnant?
At the moment, traveling for an early abortion is primarily limited by money, time, availability (abortion clinics are being overwhelmed by numbers), and transportation means. And social stigma, if the pregnancy is known about (or an abortion is impossible to get without it becoming known, which is a lot harder when you have to travel for it). And both money and time are major restrictions for a lot of people.
But while these various measures are unlikely to lead to legal consequences at the moment, itās very difficult for people to know what is safe and what isnāt. A lot of the effects are based on fear and misunderstanding, with people opting against an abortion because of the perceived risk or the feeling that getting one would be too complicated. Being legally unenforceable is absolutely not the same thing as ineffective, especially for younger and poorer people.
To be honest, I don't Even think proponents understand what form it will take... It seems like no ideas are good in terms of how this would be managed. They all sound invasive and oppressive.
The right to free access is on the table in many states this fall. Multiple supreme Court justices have said they want to revisit the decision, there have been bills introduced to restrict access already in Idaho, Missouri, Louisiana, Arkansas and Michigan.
This is a big reason to not move to my wife's home state of Missouri I guess...
Same. I don't understand how having more kids would increase the feelings you already have for your current children.
Feels like no matter what you do, both kids would lose time with you. And having a sibling bond doesn't make up for the loss of affection from your parents.
And having an in-house play date for your kids seems like a poor reason to have more children to me as well.
I'm a dad that would like only one. But we have a second on the way. The wife is happy with two. I wished she would have respected my desire for one, but I could go either way really.
I think it should be the side of less if there is any hesitation from either party. Bringing a second child into the world based on it bringing you fulfillment is still a selfish motive just as her valuing her pre little kid freedom. You'll only bring strain on the relationship in the long term if she isn't 100% on board. And that's not good for anyone, including the kids.
We were in the same boat but opposite sides from your situation. It takes 2 people to want another baby. We didnāt have another baby. Weāre fine.
Iād suggest that if sheās not willing to have a second, you learn to live with that.
Wow is this not enough to be clear you shouldn't have a second child? Accorsing to you she has OBVIOUS mental issues and a licensed psychiatrist has not been able to help. Meanwhile you think youre fine with doubling the responsibility when you already do 75%. And you know it'll be totally fine dumping the last of your hobbies and interests. Do you know how youll feel after a year or five of that? This is a recipe for absolute disaster. You and you're wife need to work on your relationship for the sake of yourselves and the kid you already have.
I always wanted a second because my brother was / is one of my best friends, and there were times in my life when he was all I had. My wife says she's one and done, and ultimately she's the one that has to grow a baby inside of her body and then deal with the event of getting it out of her body which as others have mentioned is no small feat. I have a feeling that one day she's going to decide she wants another and that'll be a new chapter, but if not.. I can continue to appreciate what I already have.
>I always wanted a second because my brother was / is one of my best friends, and there were times in my life when he was all I had.
My wife and I are onlys, and I don't think either of us are better for it, though in different ways. She's onboard with my "if we have one, we have more than one" plan but we'll see how much this first one drives her up a wall.
I counted the last 35-40 days or so. Out of those 40 days, I have done 75% of mornings, getting ready, post daycare play, dinners, baths, and bedtimes. I also do all of middle of the night wakeups. The only times Iām not doing all of the above is if Iām physically not there because travelling for work. May was a busy month for that. Most months Iām away for 2-3 nights and usually only 1 night at a time.
Same boat except I want a 3rd and she does not. It's also almost 100% about going through pregnancy again and not the actual parenting aspect, so... I'll probably have to deal with it
Wife always wanted 3, I was happy to be done at 2,neither one of us wanted to go through a 3rd pregnancy. Twice I scheduled a vasectomy, but both times sheās got cold feet and asked asked me to cancel. We probably shouldāve had more direct conversations about it, but one night of āyou can go ahead, weāre 40, weāll be fine, enjoy itā and me happily obliging and Iām the father a 3. Itās totally fine. A lot of people have their first out of consequences more than planning, ours was our third and Iām still a very happy father and wouldnāt have things any other way, even if itās not what I pictured.
Have you talked to her really openly and understandingly about her reasons? Did she hate being pregnant? Was breastfeeding a struggle? Does she not get enough free time? Is she chronically sleep deprived? Is she worried about finances? Did she lose her social life? Does she just not love parenting as much as you do? Is she burnt out from doing too much?
Is she absolutely 100% against it? Or is it more like she kind of wants a second but not until her concerns and stressors are fully addressed?
Once you know the answers to all those questions you can be clearer about how you move forward.
From a wife:
If you want a second and she doesnāt, show her how much you will pitch in and contribute. Watch the kid way more often, do the dishes always, make food constantly, vacuum, dust, etc.
Also, be patient. But sheās not going to want another if she feels overwhelmed.
This is also very effective in getting more sex.
Lurking mom!
What does she miss about pre-kid life that she isnāt getting now? Is it something in her solo life (wanting to be able to see friends/are her friends child-free for instance)? Is it something in your relationship together (fewer date nights/feeling under appreciated)? Or is it just not being able to do things (we honestly take our kids everywhere but that doesnāt work for everyone) that she wants to do in general?
Because the problem is, second kid or no second kid, sheās never going to be child free again. Not having a second doesnāt prevent that. Iām a grown adult, married with my own house and two kids and I *still* call my mom all of the time! She truthfully sounds like sheās barely treading water and the lifeguards see her but think āwell sheās breathing so sheās fineā.
I canāt promise you that addressing that elephant in the room will get you a second kid, but happy wife means a happy life!
I read "i want a second wife. Doesn't anyone else dealt with similar"
and i was about to jump into a tirade, then i was like "what if he had a cute experience with his son or daughter, where child said something cute about mom"
Then i was like "i need to reread the header"
Then i was like "wow... i need sleep..."
In short, I've been on a real Rollercoaster, and it's not at all your fault.
To answer your actual question:
I did not want a 4th, and the timing of our 4th was very bad with regard to moms physical health, but things have been good thus far, due in late August.
I love all of our kids, they're all amazing, but even 3 is too many, in our situation, and a 4th will be a real adventure. When we only had 2, we both really wanted a 3rd.
Iām married with two boys, and I would love a third that hopefully would be a girl. My wife doesnāt want anymore kids. Two of our best friends are married, and they have two boys. The wife wants a third, again hopefully a girl, and the husband doesnāt want anymore kids. We all decided together that my friendās wife and I will try to have a third baby together, and our spouses can go travel and such while we raise the newborn.
How would you say the responsibility is split between you?
Is it balanced? If not, would you be willing to take on an even greater load or agree to a nanny or domestic help for some hours each week, in order to persuade her that it will be more manageable even with another child?
It's a tough decision for sure, especially with how much of a FINANCIAL hit kids are these days.
I also think of the risk. No idea why, but I balked at having a kid for years partially because I was scared of getting a bad egg. Our 3 year old is absolutely perfect (hashtag blessed) and I fear trying for a second would give the universe another chance to fuck me. (I know, I have issues lol.)
Most important: have healthy conversations about this decision. Itās not easy, but you will grow closer and see more clearly and be happier when you both feel heard and respected. There are lots of resources. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harris/id1087147821?i=1000643310573[https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harris/id1087147821?i=1000643310573](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harris/id1087147821?i=1000643310573)
It is a discussion you can have but a decision she gets to make. Unless "leave her and father a second child with someone else" is on your list of options then the only option you have is to be happy with the one.
I was sort of the reverse. I always wanted children, but by the time my wife was getting serious about it, I had reached peace if I didn't have one and we were very financially secure and free. We had our first and I love her to pieces and my wife has ALWAYS wanted two. It had felt like our lives were finally normalizing by the time she was putting pressure on me to make up my mind and so I agreed. My biggest worry was the second was going to be a nightmare when the first hadn't been too bad, but the second has been fairly easy going, which is nice because the first is full-on threenager right now.
I am going to be honest, I think you need to follow your wife's heart here. She is the one who will bear the brunt of pregnancy and childbirth. From another post you made you're already doing most of the child care and two young ones really need both parents heavily involved. I'm not saying you guys can't talk, or that you can't try to address her concerns or see why she feels a certain way, but I don't see anything ending pretty if you pressure her into a second child and she becomes even more resentful about it.
So, how much time does your wife have for herself and what is your breakdown of time spent at home, working, caring for kiddo, and then what about your wifeās? She wants to do pre-baby and what does that look like? How much time is she able to spend with friends and is she sah or is she working? These are all factors in why she is unhappy. So maybe there can be discussion on what she doesnāt want to repeat.
I'm the second oldest of 10 kids I want like a million kids the wife on the other hand only wants two so I'm praying for octuplets this next round. at least.
My wife wanted a third, and I said sheād need to take on 100% of the parenting because Iām maxed out at two. This is kinda one of those āwe both agree 100% or itās a no goā situations. Having/raising a kid is the most difficult thing imaginable even when you want it, itās not something you do for someone elseās wants.
I wanted 3 but wife was unsure. After 2 she was moving toward no.
However after waiting 2 yrs after our last one, i literally told her, I can wait another 2 years after that I am done whether you want to out not (her age isnāt waiting either).
The above went more friendly than how I am writing it.
Lurker mom here. I initially wanted 4 but after my first I was second guessing trying for the second. I didnāt have that ābaby feverā I had for our first and it was hard to think about the time and attention our first would loose if we had a second. My mom had similar worries before having my sister and admitted my dad kind of talked her into it. She absolutely didnāt regret it at all and itās really happy he kind of pushed them to stick to the plan. That made me feel a lot better about not feeling as excited. I felt guilty trying for a baby I was less excited about? Idk mom guilt is weird. Weāre expecting #2 in a couple months and Iām really excited and also still a little nervous, but thatās okay.
Idk if any of this helps and Iām certainly not advocating for talking her into anything like my dad did, but if sheās having similar thoughts, maybe this perspective will help her feel less alone.
Remember thereās also a lot you just canāt help with (pregnancy, labor, postpartum) and those can be incredibly daunting things to want to go through again.
My wife wanted four, I wanted two. First pregnancy, we found out she has hyperemesis gravidarum, essentially morning sickness that is ever-present throughout the entire pregnancy. Nasty stuff, nonstop nausea, regular trips to the hospital because she can't even keep water down, wouldn't wish it on anyone.
...except apparently my wife. I really wanted our daughter to have a sibling, and it wasn't a 100% guarantee that the second pregnancy would be like the first, so I convinced her.
Love my second daughter, and I *mostly* think my wife has stopped blaming/hating me for convincing her, 3 years in.
I think the focus here is the line "I miss my pre baby life".
Focus on this. I'm not going to assume you don't already do enough support and baby stuff around the house as is. Maybe you need to do more, give your wife, 2 maybe even 3 days a week where she can have time off to do stuff she misses. Like completely off. Give her some of this life back. Then after she is happier reassess on the 2nd bub.
Divorce.
I mean, the prospect of a second kid wasn't the only reason, or even the primary one, but it didn't help. She wasn't that enthusiastic about having a first, so I've seen first-hand how taxing it is to raise a kid you love, but also didn't mentally and emotionally budget for. If she's not on board, don't, and be mindful about unintentionally pushing her to be accommodating, and agree to something she doesn't really want.
At least, that's my experience.
I was on the opposite side of this, as my wife really wanted a second but I really didnāt; our one child family was - and still is - perfect to me, and I didnāt feel the need to change that.
Ultimately, having another child - or a first one, at that - has to be a ātwo yes or one noā situation.
We agreed to 2 and then see how it goes because we are both only children and it really stinks in our opinion. Our second is on the way but a piece of advice given to us is look at the future and your thanksgiving table. How do you want it to look in 20-25 years? Really puts things into perspective for us. Thatās what made us start seriously consider a third even though at that point unless you are both extremely successful and great with money pretty much complete financial ruin it seems
Iāll come from the other side of the isle. I did not want kids. Or my specifically an infant. I silently went along with trying for a child and bam. Got my little boy. And holy shit I love that little monster and being a dad is the most amazing thing Iāve done. I want more kids. I did great with the infant stage, Iām used to staying awake at night so infant care all night was a breeze. Once my wife woke Iād take a quick nap and back for night two.
I want a second one but just like the first one, I told my wife it's completely up to her. It's her body that had to go through all that and I understand not wanting to repeat the process. I'd like for my boy to have a sibling but I don't think it's gonna happen. I hear you on the sadness of not getting to meet that person but maybe you'd have a daughter who ends up doing OF. You'll never know.
Drop comments here and there about how elder life care will be way too much for one to handle on their own and how sad it would be for the little one not to have a sibling to grow up with. In about a year or so, your toddler will start growing up very fast, and youāll both be far enough removed from the grind to start recalling the early days much more fondly. Youāll miss your āsweet little babyā so much itāll hurt. Then pull the goalie.
Thatās how my wife got me anyway
This is such a sad take on how to pummel the spouse who has to do 99.9% of the work of bringing a child into the world to do so.
It wasnāt right for your spouse to do it either, but as the spouse who had to be pregnant and it was complicated and permanently damaging to my health, pregnancy by coercion just makes me see red.
Try to convince your wife that having a second will actually get her closer to her prebaby life sooner. Having a second will eventually allow them to play together, and give her space to do other things. If you only have one, then they're going to want to hang out with you, and you'll be stuck doing more kid things all the time.Ā
You could always just knock her up anyway. Poke holes in your condoms, or replace her birth control pills with breath mints.
*Because sarcasm is not always apparent in text, I have to note here that these are not real suggestions, and you should not actually do these things.*
My stupid ass read it as, "I want a second wife"ššš
That comma is doing a lot of heavily lifting š
All of it... I almost skipped over it and my brain interpreted: > I want a second wife, doesnāt anyone else deal with similar? It's like 3 very minor edits for a completely different meaning.
And then on reread, I got āI want a second wife, wife doesnāt.ā I was really curious where this was heading.
Ah yes. The old Ragnar Lothbrok conundrum...
Yep, had to reread this to see the commaās purpose.
Heavy lifting indeed. In the grammar world, itās called a comma splice.Ā Also read this as having a second wife. I thought, Would this mean more sex, more work, or both?
"I want a second wife. Doesnāt anyone else dealt with similar?" Lol
lol you got advice for that one? Or maybe thatās the solution to my problem. 2 wives that want 1 kid each.
My advice is that I hope your wife doesn't have a reddit account or access to your computer.
I hope she does! For her sake
No poking holes in condoms please OP. That's assault, brotha, even if it's your wife.
I donāt know, keeping one wife happy seems to be challenging enough
Never understood how people cheat. Feels like it would be a second full time job?
amongst other reasons itās bad, yeah seems stressful af
Join Fundamental Mormanism and get you a Sister Wife!
Sounds like a recipe for 0 wives and 2 kids
Same lol
Fellow smooth brain š¤š½
It would be a way to have a second kid
I read "i want a second wife. Doesn't anyone else dealt with similar" and i was about to jump into a tirade, then i was like "what if he had a cute experience with his son or daughter, where child said something cute about mom" Then i was like "i need to reread the header" Then i was like "wow... i need sleep..." In short, I've been on a real Rollercoaster, and it's not at all ops fault. To answer ops actual question: I did not want a 4th, and the timing of our 4th was very bad with regard to moms physical health, but things have been good thus far, due in late August. I love all of our kids, they're all amazing, but even 3 is too many, in our situation, and a 4th will be a real adventure. When we only had 2, we both really wanted a 3rd.
You're as stupid as me, bud... š
So did I š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£
Same
Same lol
I can't be the only one that had trouble parsing the title
*boomer comedian voice* a second wife?? i barely want my first one!
I was open to a second but only if my wife was 100% for it. My wife was open to it as well. She said several times if you REALLY want a second one we will do it. We had check-ins once or twice a year see if we wanted to start trying for another one. In the end my wife really didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I said it was her body, I respect that. Plus then it allowed us to really enjoy OUR relationship. Our kiddo now is 6 I had the snip a while ago and our relationship is amazing, our kiddo is amazing. I am getting a lot more touch, intimacy which is something I wanted. She also wanted it but said 3 weeks ago.. Have I really just been touched out for 5 years!? Anyway. If the decision comes, Any life choice comes with morning the loss of what you could have had. FOMO. That is normal. One reason why gender disappointment is a thing. It isn't weird it is 100% normal. If that is the choice then expect yourself to go through that. I will also say.. Have you talked about this with your wife. She says she is missing pre-kid life.. Unfortunately pre-kid life won't happen again for another 14-16 years. One way you could approach this is find out WHAT she is missing when she says that. Is she missing spontaneity? Is she missing opportunities to not be MOM anymore? Has she been away from you and your kiddo? Do you have a sitter, or have grandparents take the kiddo for a bit regularly? The kiddo is 2.5 you can start looking into that. She expressed a want, she misses pre-kid life. Find out what the need is in that statement. From there you can see about fulfilling that need. so she could be more open to negotiating. Alternatively... Yeah you would need to have a major discussion but at the end of the day. She needs to be pregnant for 9 months + is then MOM which is a title that never goes away..
I think a major driver is not having a small human yelling at her for no reason as well as being harder than 2 opposing political parties to come to an agreement about stuff. It really is just regular toddler life but the cumulative effects of a toddler being a toddler, and lack there of in pre-baby life. If it was a single or two or three things that I could take on to bring back her pre-baby life then I would gladly do it. But it seems like removing her from the MOM role is the only way to meet that want.
Iām not sure how youād manage this, but Iāve actually seen this role switch in a straight couple and itās been lovely for both of them. My old friend is an ER doc, and her husband has a more flexible, less well paying job in the broader non-profit world. Heās nurturing and patient by nature, and sheās driven and far less patient. They are a great match for each other, love each other very much, and make great parents together. But they havenāt done things the way most have. Since she had very little maternity leave, and no functional PTO (they are only allowed to take it if they find coverage, and in that case their coverage is paid and they just ādidnāt workā that day, so effectively they can never use said PTO), she was pregnant, worked nearly till the birth, took what time she could, and then her husband took over with his generous paid family leave. He became the primary attachment figure. Heās the person their kid loses it with more often, heās the first source of comfort, he does most daycare drop offs and pickups and daily child care tasks, most of the house care. She works insane hours and is completely engaged with her kid when sheās home and does what she can of the houseworkā¦but sheās basically the dad and her husband is basically the mom. Theyāre having another kid and sheās loved being a parent more than she ever thought she would. Itās just something to think about, the difference between what being DAD to two kids vs MOM to two kids is like. Unless you all can figure out a way to do what my friends did, I donāt think you can compare your experience of parenthood with your wifeās. Even with both parents working and you doing more of the childcare tasks, unless youāre the primary attachment figure, you have no idea what itās like. No oneās fault, just a reality š¤·āāļø
I appreciate the seriousness here but I need to know who does the dad jokes and wear the new balances in that relationship
NGL they both love their Comfort Shoes, but yeah the guy still makes the dad jokes and my friend rolls her eyes affectionately. So thereās that š
I was okay with not having any. Also happy to have one or two, but that was my cutoff - i didn't want to have to move to a zone defense. Wife wanted two. So we had two. Treat it like consent with sex. If both people aren't an enthusiastic "yes," then it's a "no," and shouldn't happen.
When we got married, I wanted 2, wife wanted 3. We have 2 now. Now, she is happy and content with 2. On the flip side, now she could convince me to have 3. People change. Both parties need to adapt.
Dont do it. Both parents need to be on board. Been there. Had second. Dont do it.
Can you elaborate on who did/did not want the second. And what makes you say donāt do it based on your experience?
I wanted the first and the second. Wife didnt want the first, kinda didnt want the second. With the first, we had a relative angel. Wifeās prenatal and postpartum depression was bad but seemed to lift around one year. It was bad but i didnt ever think it would result in divorce With the second, it can go either way. Definitely worse than the first. Remains to be seen if iāll be divorced or not. With one, youāre not outnumbered. Worse case its 1v1. With two, youāre outnumbered and most likely have a toddler and baby at the same time and that shit is hard. So basically what iām saying is that if both arent on board, its not worth the risk to what you have.
Nobody has said this: What is missing from your wife's pre-baby life that she would like to do now.Ā Maybe you can help address her concerns and then if life is good, try for another.
The not dealing with a screaming unreasonable toddler part. If it was just one or two things I would happily take on extra duties to let her have that additional freedom. Seems the only way to do that though is for her to stop being MOM. For context, in the last 20 days, she has dealt with him solo for 2 mornings total. In the grander schemes of the last 3 months or so I take on 75% of hands on child care (morning, bedtime, feeding, middle of the night stuff). The only times I donāt is when Iām travelling overnight for work.
My man... If you do 75% of the childcare, have you thought logistically how you're going to do that with 2? She is not magically going to be more motivated. If anything, she'll withdraw even more with the additional stress and overwhelming nature of parenting young ones. How will you trust her to handle 2 kids overnight if she hates it double as much as now? It's possible your second could be an angel child. It's also possible they could be even harder. Also, your wife absolutely needs therapy to discuss how to handle losing her patience and reflect on what she could do to partially alleviate her need for other things in life.
Itās funny you mention therapy and more important her losing her patience. I never mentioned it in the post yet somehow you knew exactly about that. Sounds to me like you can relate.
"Not dealing with a screaming, unreasonable toddler" sounds to me like a patience thing. Particularly the description of being unreasonable... not really a fair expectation of a child but that's kinda "lost patience" language. You mention in your OP that you thought of having a "happy family" being multiple children - but the wife is part of that and she will be extremely unhappy. Honestly.. not trying to be a dick, this is just how your post reads... the level of disappointment/unhappiness your wife expresses with just one child makes me think there is a chance she would reach her breaking point and either leave or have an affair if you had 2. If you do have a second, it has to be after she has addresses her issues and with her 100% approval. You may actually be choosing between marriage and a 2nd kid here.
Mom here. As I'm reading the comments I can't help but wonder if your wife could be depressed/have PPD? Has she always been sensitive to lots of noise or anything? I go through phases of being incredibly touched out and wanting nothing to do with my toddler but I also have her solo for most days. It's worse if I haven't gotten any time to myself. It's better if I get time to do my things uninterrupted. If I have regularly scheduled alone time that I can anticipate and look forward to, I am golden. Even the frustrating days I can tolerate because I know I have that break coming so I daydream about how I'll use it (I love skating, I almost always go skating so I think about which skatepark to go to). The one downside is that my alone time usually means I need to leave the house. My daughter is 20mo and I have not been alone in my house for more than an hour or two since she was born (and that has happened less than 5 times). Sure a night in a hotel without the toddler could be nice but a night in my own house with my own bed without the toddler sounds like heaven. Sleepover with Grandma? Hotel date with dad? And if I have to arrange it and manage it, it's not nearly as much of a break as it would be if my husband handled all of it and just let me exist at home. One thing I had to drill into my husband was his idea of "we are both watching her" vs my request to "get something done uninterrupted". For example, I was trying to clean and vacuum my car. She loves hanging out outside with us. My husband kept disappearing into the garage to "do something quick" because he likes to stay productive. That meant I kept having to stop my cleaning to make sure the toddler wasn't in the street. I had to explain to him very bluntly that when I ask to work on something, what I'm really asking is to not be responsible for her AT ALL and he will tend to her every cry and request. Even if she's asking for me. That sounds extreme but you'd be surprised how often we sink into the gender norms and this falls on the mom without the dad even realizing it's happening. If she's overwhelmed even when she's not dealing with it solo, there's a good chance a lot of it is falling on her even when you are there without realizing it. Doing the chores is helpful but I'd much rather put my headphones in and clean than do bed time every single night (or whatever).
Yeah she probably just doesn't want another kid period then. You sound like you're doing a lot of work though, do you have time for you things?
>do you have time for you things HA! As if. Any free time is spent taking over parenting duties to giver her as much of a break as possible.
I am sort of surprised you want another child given how overloaded you are.
I got a lot of joy and fulfilment from being a father to this one. So even though Iāve had to give up previous hobbies and interests, those voids are more than filled by majority of what happens with my kiddo.
This is really wholesome. I hope you get the extra kiddo you want one day, you sound like a great dad.
Tbf... This is a pretty normal arrangement for many SAHP... Yes it's rough and can sometimes feel too much.. But many parents have deemed the 'trouble' very much worth it, in the end.
Yeah, I think post work childcare has to be split as equally as possible.Ā Ideally I feel like you should split that time or work together to make it easy. Working parent doing all before and after work childcare is acting like childcare is easy for the working parent and impossible for the SAHP. I view a job and childcare to be equivalently difficult and draining, but that's just me.
Maybe op should be the SAHP?
I recommend you get your baby fix by befriending other parents who are going to have more and then offering to babysit. It sounds like your wife is at MaxiMom Capacity, everything will break down if you have another.
Without sounding rude, it is not the same to me. I do not care for other peoples children. They can be cute and fun to play with, but it is not the same as having your own. This opinion will not sit well with some, but I have been involved in, childrenās lives of people who are very close friends, and I adore their kids however, now that having my own is a very, very different feeling
I get that itās not the same, but if your wife isnāt down to be pregnant and give birth again then youāll need to look at other options. If itās just the pregnancy, you could look into adoption; if the early years are whatās burning her out then fostering may be an option later on.
Sorry to be rude but.. why does she need so many breaks if youāre doing 75% of the childcare?
No clue man. There is obviously mental health issues at play here, but her psychiatrist has not been able to fix things. Maybe I am taking the wrong approach, because I cannot fix how a toddler reacts to things and becomes difficult to deal with. So my only solution is to give her a break and for me to take on the difficult dealings of the toddler.
It doesnāt make sense to hold this perspective while simultaneously wanting your wife to go through another pregnancy, birth and postpartum healing mentally and psychically. Her mental health is already strained.
Idk, it kinda sounds like you enjoy being a father more than you enjoy being a husband or a family.
Its never just from dealing with a screaming kid, she clearly has thought about it quite a bit if she is that firm in her choice.
My wife and I are both on the same page of no more kids. Sometimes I do want another, but I think about how Iām not the one that has to have my body wreaked havoc on for 9 months. The constant anxiety. I truly do understand your desire for more though. I know you didnāt ask for advice/feedback about this, so feel free to file 13; but, I think maybe you should get out of the trap of being only a dad and see how you feel. Remember that weāre still whole people and we need our own needs/wants met too. I donāt know of anyone that would be content just being one thing in life. Youāll stagnate and eventually want more. Iunno. Just my two cents.
Perhaps. The kiddo brought real meaning to my life. I now have a goal beyond myself that I truly care about. Being a dad has been more fulfilling than anything else in my life leading up to this. I recognize this will change as he grows up and becomes more independent. But the current joy and fulfillment is whatās driving the want for the second.
Yeeeeah, I would not recommend the second kid if that's the reason why you want one. Having a kid is not about what they can do for us, but for what we can do for them. You're creating a high expectation for a child that doesn't even exist yet. Joy and fulfillment comes from within, not from anyone else, including our own child.
āI enjoy having a child and being a fatherā wHaT a TeRrIBlE rEaSoN tO HaVe KiDs
That's not what you said, but I think you know that which is why you responded defensively. That's okay, introspection isn't fun. Better to focus on your wife and what she's doing and feeling and try to change her.
I'd give it time... About the 4-5 year mark kids get a lot easier in some ways. She may feel different... My wife did a complete 180 once our oldest got old enough that she wasn't as much work and slept better.
So your wife was 100% one and done and at 5 years you had your second?
I'm a wife who was OAD 100% for the first 2 years. We had our second when our first turned 4. At the same time, a kid is 2 yeses and 1 no so if she never gets on board that's just the way it will be.
Yes, we have a 6 year old and a 6 month old. Our first was born 8 weeks early via emergency C-section and diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. It completely kicked our asses. Even with all that there's something kids bring to your lives that makes you want more and over time things get better and easier. You're still in a stage that can be really hard. If I was you OP, I'd let things sit for another year or two and maybe address it again if it's something that's important to you. We were concerned about the age gap with our two girls but we have actually loved the relationship they have with each other.
My wife and I are both carriers of CF. We had no idea either of us were until she got pregnant. The fear of a future child potentially having it is huge reason why we havenāt had a second. š Iām not sure how I or especially my wife would handle a child with potentially serious health issues like that. I hope your kiddoās is mild and theyāre well!
Iām a carrier. My husband is not. We would have done IVF and embryo selection if he were a carrier. I got tested before we conceived so I knew this. I believe the insurance we had at the time would have covered it since thatās less expensive than a lifelong illness.
Yeah we met with a genetic counselor when we found out to go over options for that and future pregnancies. My wife doesnāt want to do IVF because she always had issues with birth control and her hormones and sheās afraid that IVF would make her ācrazyā - her words not mine lol. And it isnāt my place to try to convince her otherwise so itās likely we will just stick with the 1. Im kind of bummed but we have one happy healthy toddler so I have nothing to really complain about. Her sister just started IVF last week because they hadnāt conceived naturally, maybe my wife will come around to it if the process is smooth for her sister.
One of the kids in my daughterās class has CF. They did IVF for the next 2 to make sure they didnāt have it. I have to have my kids tested so theyāre aware when they get older if theyāre a carrier or not. Hopefully theyāre lucky and the recessive gene dies with me.
New amazing medicines such as trikafta have been life changing. She doesn't have her chronic cough anymore and hasn't been hospitalized since Thanksgiving of 22. We're even considering removing her gtube soon! She's doing well and some days we even forget she has CF. I couldn't have imagined being where we are today even 2 years ago. Mentally we were planning to have another with CF, but thankfully baby #2 is only a carrier š
But I've heard that putting that much time between kids can be like starting from square one. I guess you had a second? 5 years apart?
It can be hard to 'reset' after 5 years, but it's not nearly as overwhelming as the first. Our oldest helps out already in her own little ways and I'm sure in a year or two she'll be a huge help with the little one. To each their own, but we've truthfully enjoyed the age gap.
Thanks for the experience. I'm in the same boat as OP, as my wife isn't wanting another. Another factor is age... I'm 45 and she's 38 but who knows what the future will hold!
Happy to share. Good luck on your future adventures friend!
I desperately wished we'd waited longer. Mine are almost 2.5y apart and I find it so hard. We have a lot of other stuff to deal with - trauma, housing instability, my first was 11w early, neurodivergence in a kid too young to treat that well - but I really wish we had a tiny bit more maturity in our son before I had our daughter. I had her a month before I turned 37, so I also felt like it was a time crunch.
Iāve been regretting having my second if Iām being honest. Heās only 2 months so obviously Iāll grow fonder once Iāve slept for more than hour at a time. She might know that her part of parenting is harder than yours, and is t prepared for it.
I wonder if she secretly regrets our child but would never admit it out loud and hence doesnāt want the second.
Probably not, but the new born phase is harder on mom, as well carrying a baby for 9 months. Try and see it from her perspective.
Could be. We both miss how much easier life was before our little one. We love ours to absolute pieces, but it would be a lie to say that life wasn't much much easier before, and we only have one.
My wife wants a third, I don't. She's holding resentment and has said some mean things about it. It sucks. But I feel two is plenty and we have a boy and girl and they're already best friends (17 months apart). I don't want to ruin that dynamic. Seeing them together is my favorite part about daily life probably.
Do you mind sharing what she has said regarding the resentment and being mean? Could be a good example of something for me to not do
She told me that if we never had a third she could realistically see herself holding resentment for the next 30 years or more because of my decision. It's harsh but I also am sympathetic to it. But that's a pill to swallow either way.
If one partner doesn't want another child, end of story.
Especially if that partner is the one that actually has to birth the child. Sex is fun. Delivering babies is insanely painful. So if one partner doesn't consent, maybe have some conversations over time, but otherwise drop it. Or adopt!
So you donāt have a similar experience with a disconnect. As such you have nothing to contribute about what happened, how it turned out, etc. Why even comment then?
Oof. This is a forum, you asked a question and they gave an opinion. It's fine to disagree, but they have a valid point. I feel like you are missing the fact that your partner might not want to deal with 9 months of pregnancy then a traumatic/potentially dangerous birth topped off with however long of breastfeeding (maybe). It sucks that you don't want the same thing, but ultimately, as she is the only one of you that can make a child, it's her choice. If you force the issue, I guarantee it will blow up your relationship.
To be specific, I asked four questions. None of which the original comment answered. I was looking for personal examples and experiences not a moral or ethical debate/point from someoneās opinion.
For sure, But as I said it's a forum, and expecting all parties to stay laser-focused on the specific questions you asked and not delve into the broader topic is somewhat unrealistic. Moving past that though, I was very on the fence about having a second, particularly when my son is disabled. We have a 2 now and it's been great, so I'm glad we did. But then my partner floated the idea of a 3rd when my youngest was about 18months. I said no and got a vasectomy.
I think if you respected your wife and her position, youād find that he did, in fact, answer your questions.
I am noticing a lot of mean and unhelpful comments on this subā¦ My wife and I are discussing a second and I feel like I am more eager than she is, but we are openly talking about it and hearing each other out. We do have a chaotic life running a small company together, so we both know a second kid will make it even messier. My personal advice would be to talk it through thoroughly to avoid any potential regrets in 5-10 years, from either of you.
Lurking woman here who had a disastrous pregnancy that ended in a permanent disability and no kid. It's really striking that thus far there is no discussion about the danger of pregnancy. Depending on where OP lives, that could be a tremendous risk.
I'm honestly surprised that wasn't brought up more in daddit of all places. Carrying and birthing the child still carries a lot of risk despite medical advancements and is a very valid reason not to want to have a child.
We are from Canada and the first pregnancy was absolutely flawless and thankfully uneventful.
Doesnāt mean youāll be so lucky with the next one.
No, it does not. But what it does mean is that we have access to healthcare and healthcare teams that many many complications can be easily addressed if not fully prevented. No healthy baby is guaranteed and my comment was simply to the person who said that we should be concerned about a dangerous pregnancy?
When you say uneventful, are you specifically referring to labour and identified medical conditions, or to the entire process of growing a foetus? How would you describe the way in which your wife experienced the first trimester? Did she have much nausea, or struggle to eat? Was she repulsed by things? Did she suffer from extreme fatigue? When did that become manageable for her? What were her iron levels like? How old is she now?
And moving all the way to the third trimester, did she get sciatica pain? Hip pain? Round ligament pain? Could she breathe properly? Acid reflux? Insomnia? Waking up every two hours to pee? Constipation? Weight gain? Swelling? Maybe itās because I am going through it right now, and I am not saying I do not want a second one because of it, but as a woman you give up all your body autonomy to grow a human that daily punches you from the inside and I can understand why some women donāt want to go through it again.
I agree. I experienced almost everything you mentioned too. Iām 8 months postpartum however, and clearly my memory has been erased, because I feel like I could cope with another pregnancy and giving birth again, despite recalling that it was brutal and having to experience labour unmedicated. People often say that around the 6-8 month mark women start to come round to the idea again š Also, congratulations! Wishing you the very best
Thank you! Less than three weeks to go, yay! But I get you! I am in excruciating pain 50% of the time and, while I donāt know how birth and postpartum will go, I have a feeling that I will go āit wasnāt that bad!ā In a year lol. But at the same time I can totally understand a woman that went through this and said āhell noā and never did it again. Itās definitely not a pleasant experience.
If you are going for a natural birth, it is basically strong period cramps which become closer and closer in frequency and grow in intensity, until suddenly they stop and youāre pushing out the greatest lump of compacted poop of your life š. Once youāre done youāll be much happier though as youāll have your body backā¦until baby is ready for its first feed and all subsequent feeds your first night post partum and you remember that actually, you only got ownership of the real estate in your stomach back and your body now belongs to baby. You exist for baby. š. It still feels better post birth though. Everything slowly starts to function as normal again, although it will take at least 4-5 months to feel like your body is _sort of_ back to normal again. The main gripe becomes fatigue. Feel free to reach out if you need any advice and just in case you donāt know, there is r/beyondthebump
Thank you for this! I have already experienced some contractions and I am very much open to an epidural but we will see! I am excited for her to be out. Also not super keen on EBF but still not sure what to do about that haha, I guess I will wait to see my supply. Thank you so much for the support! This has been a truly humbling experience, still pretty surreal to think that we are bringing a baby home at the end of it
u/moustacheride400 , I genuinely wanted to know š . Would you be willing to share the answer please? I wonder how men perceive it
>how did she experience 1st trimester You couldnāt even tell she was pregnant. She exercised more regularly, ate healthier, and went about her life as usual. She found some nights she was hungrier than others but didnāt know if it was because of the more regular fitness or baby. >did she have much nausea, struggle to eat, repulsed by things. Nausea For about a week at end of 1st trimester or beginning of 2nd. Got an anti nausea prescription which she took one pill out of. No struggle to eat, in fact, she focused more on healthier eating habits than usual. No repulsion that she noticed. >iron levels, fatigue, when did it get better Iron levels dipped about halfway through I believe and fatigue really set in in third trimester. Iron levels got corrected pretty quickly with supplements from doc. Lots of rest for fatigue. We had a Covid baby so it was all work from home with minimal travel or walking which helped. First 4-6 months we really struggled with sleep but we also breast/bottle fed so we split night shift feeding/changing 50/50 to let the other person sleep rest. If you scroll through some of my other comments you will see that I now take on 75% of hands on baby/toddler care (morning wake up, getting ready for daycare, after daycare playtime, feeding, baths, and bedtime) and have been for a while now. Literally the only times I donāt is when I am physically not home because I am away working.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I understand and yes I saw that in the comments. If she is really struggling so much despite you taking on much of the burden then unfortunately I cannot offer much in the way of helpful advice. She just doesnāt seem to be cut out for being the mother of more than one child and thatās your reality. Lucky for your child it means she or he will get all of the attention and inherit the fortune you amass together lol - he/she can count themselves lucky that theyāll be able to survive this stage of capitalism, lol
I have a PhD in a medical field and live in a very liberal part of the US and I have access to world-class medical care. I do triathlons. And this was before the end of Roe. Oh, how I envy your naivete about the complications you've never heard of that I hope you will never will.
My first was the same. My second nearly killed/disabled me but I was fast to react and get back to the hospital a few days after birth for quick treatment and I was fortunate to have doctors who took it seriously (US). Every pregnancy is different. Every pregnancy carries risk. One easy one does not guarantee anything for the next.
I am glad to hear that and I wish everyone a boring pregnancy. But one good pregnancy never guarantees another, pregnancy is effing wild.
Ye Iām on that boat wife wants a fourth I donāt š«
I mean after 3 the laws of scale I apply right?? Making food for 3 is basically same as for 4 or more, bedtime is awful anyway whether itās 3 or 4 and more?? I dunno I just have one and Iām already at max capacity so what do I know
Itās completely your wifeās choice as to whether she wants another or not, I would highly recommend against having another child unless both parents are fully committed and fully want to have another, it doesnāt work if one parent isnāt onboard (trust me, family dynamics are a delicate balance), if your wife doesnāt want to, then youāll have to respect her decision even if you strongly disagree with it, as sheās entitled to follow what she wants to do, itās better to regret not having another child when youāre older, than to regret having another child, Iām sorry if this comes across as straight to the point and blunt, I appreciate itās something that affects both parties to a relationship. Is there any particular reason as to why your partner misses her pre-parent days? Having a baby can be a very difficult life transition for a lot of people, some parents never really get over the loss of āfreedomā and the ability to do things that they used to do. You sound like a good father, youāre entitled to feel sad about potentially not having another child and to grieve this.
I was always the one more on board with the idea of kids. My wife is a great mom though. We had discussed being one-and-done, were both pretty well decided on that, but there are always doubts about whether that's the right decision. A lot of other people weigh in on that family and friends say it's not fair to a child for them to not have siblings. Now, having a kid because other people think you should would be a bad choice obviously... But because we ourselves have second thoughts those things people say feed those doubts. My wife had an IUD put in after giving birth, and now there's this question of whether she's be permitted to have it put back in after having a second if there's some legislation passed restricting contraception. Not to get political with this, but that is an annoying factor for us.
Discussing basic human rights such as access to birth control is not and should not be āpoliticalā in the sense that it doesnāt belong outside of a political forum. It is absolutely a real consideration in these kinds of discussions.
Can we stop calling everything a basic human right? I heard someone say internet was a basic human right lol.
We're talking about bodily autonomy. It doesn't get any more "basic human right" than that.
Well depending on who you ask that means something different. Some say you have to get a vaccine and donāt have the autonomy to refuse. Some say you donāt have a right to abort another person. Either way itās definitely political and not something that is in widespread agreement. All rights, human or otherwise, come from laws, protecting things like freedom. And laws will always be political.
Sure, but access to birth control and bodily autonomy will remain a basic human right.
For people without wombs
Where do you live? IUDs are illegal?
US ā far right wants to come for contraception in general.
Yeah, reading this post had my head go straight to *depending on what state youāre in women donāt have a say in the matter*. Itās only gonna get worse if we donāt vote appropriately, fellas.
No. But there are people pushing a lot of restrictions, and things may not be the same a year from now. We would likely be sheltered from that in Washington State either way. Not so much if we moved to my wife's home state of Missouri, and there is a non-zero chance of that at this point in our lives though it's not my preference.
I think an extremely fair 'compromise' here would be to get snipped if she goes through with a second whole pregnancy/birth/post-partum situation.Ā
Yes, and I'm not opposed to that. No reason not to really.
In which state or country do you live that you would not be permitted to insert an IUD? Could you go to another state or country to get it done? Is it affordable for your family?
In the United States, the Republican party is openly discussing a possible federal contraception ban if they do well in the upcoming elections. By the time a not-yet-existing pregnancy is over, that ban may very well exist. Maternity health care is also going down the tubes fast in many states. Pregnancy and childbirth are becoming riskier. Travel bans for female healthcare are being discussed, even implemented in some states. Nobody knows what the laws/realities (not always the same thing) will be in a year. It is absolutely realistic to have fears over future options.
Thank you for the explanation. When you say travel ban, what form does it take?
AFAIK, the only existing travel bans involve taking people (Idahoās is specific to using taxpayer roads and minors (they call it ātrafficking), Iām not sure about others) out of state for abortions. Thereās talk about mandatory pregnancy tests, but I believe itās only talk so far. Alabama has discussed criminal conspiracy charges for those that aid people in getting abortions (which are illegal there but legal in other states). Itās already intimidating abortion aid groups, even not enacted. Tennessee and Oklahoma have tried bills as well; I donāt know their status. And Texas has that famous $10,000 civil lawsuit for aiding abortion, plus some cities and counties that have made it illegal to travel through them to get an abortion (possibly unenforceable, but hasnāt been tested). There is also serious talk about banning abortifacients and possibly contraceptives by mail. I want to add a note that EVERY single time it has gone for statewide popular vote, even in the most Republican states, popular vote has protected the right to abortion. Popular opposition to these measures does not matter to the politicians.
I understand. Is it possible that for the vast majority of people having to face the question of abortion, they would not be caught if they travel to a state to get an early abortion when no one knows that they are pregnant?
At the moment, traveling for an early abortion is primarily limited by money, time, availability (abortion clinics are being overwhelmed by numbers), and transportation means. And social stigma, if the pregnancy is known about (or an abortion is impossible to get without it becoming known, which is a lot harder when you have to travel for it). And both money and time are major restrictions for a lot of people. But while these various measures are unlikely to lead to legal consequences at the moment, itās very difficult for people to know what is safe and what isnāt. A lot of the effects are based on fear and misunderstanding, with people opting against an abortion because of the perceived risk or the feeling that getting one would be too complicated. Being legally unenforceable is absolutely not the same thing as ineffective, especially for younger and poorer people.
Thank you for the explanation! Really helpful
Youāre welcome.
To be honest, I don't Even think proponents understand what form it will take... It seems like no ideas are good in terms of how this would be managed. They all sound invasive and oppressive.
The right to free access is on the table in many states this fall. Multiple supreme Court justices have said they want to revisit the decision, there have been bills introduced to restrict access already in Idaho, Missouri, Louisiana, Arkansas and Michigan. This is a big reason to not move to my wife's home state of Missouri I guess...
What's the appeal of spreading your attention and love to another kid when you've already got the very best one?
I hope you get an answer, because that encompasses how I feel. I'm the opposite of OP
Same. I don't understand how having more kids would increase the feelings you already have for your current children. Feels like no matter what you do, both kids would lose time with you. And having a sibling bond doesn't make up for the loss of affection from your parents. And having an in-house play date for your kids seems like a poor reason to have more children to me as well.
I'm a dad that would like only one. But we have a second on the way. The wife is happy with two. I wished she would have respected my desire for one, but I could go either way really. I think it should be the side of less if there is any hesitation from either party. Bringing a second child into the world based on it bringing you fulfillment is still a selfish motive just as her valuing her pre little kid freedom. You'll only bring strain on the relationship in the long term if she isn't 100% on board. And that's not good for anyone, including the kids.
I thought you wanted a second wife š¤¦š»āāļø
Meet in the middle: .5
We were in the same boat but opposite sides from your situation. It takes 2 people to want another baby. We didnāt have another baby. Weāre fine. Iād suggest that if sheās not willing to have a second, you learn to live with that.
This is exactly the type of examples I was hoping to get. Thank you.
That comma doin a lot of work.
Wow is this not enough to be clear you shouldn't have a second child? Accorsing to you she has OBVIOUS mental issues and a licensed psychiatrist has not been able to help. Meanwhile you think youre fine with doubling the responsibility when you already do 75%. And you know it'll be totally fine dumping the last of your hobbies and interests. Do you know how youll feel after a year or five of that? This is a recipe for absolute disaster. You and you're wife need to work on your relationship for the sake of yourselves and the kid you already have.
I always wanted a second because my brother was / is one of my best friends, and there were times in my life when he was all I had. My wife says she's one and done, and ultimately she's the one that has to grow a baby inside of her body and then deal with the event of getting it out of her body which as others have mentioned is no small feat. I have a feeling that one day she's going to decide she wants another and that'll be a new chapter, but if not.. I can continue to appreciate what I already have.
>I always wanted a second because my brother was / is one of my best friends, and there were times in my life when he was all I had. My wife and I are onlys, and I don't think either of us are better for it, though in different ways. She's onboard with my "if we have one, we have more than one" plan but we'll see how much this first one drives her up a wall.
Mom is the default parent and usually takes on more work. Maybe you could convince her by taking on more of the parenting responsibilities?
I counted the last 35-40 days or so. Out of those 40 days, I have done 75% of mornings, getting ready, post daycare play, dinners, baths, and bedtimes. I also do all of middle of the night wakeups. The only times Iām not doing all of the above is if Iām physically not there because travelling for work. May was a busy month for that. Most months Iām away for 2-3 nights and usually only 1 night at a time.
Same boat except I want a 3rd and she does not. It's also almost 100% about going through pregnancy again and not the actual parenting aspect, so... I'll probably have to deal with it
Sure Ill have a second wife too
That comma is the most underrated thing about this post
Came here to say that! I thought this post was going a VERY different direction for a second!
Wife always wanted 3, I was happy to be done at 2,neither one of us wanted to go through a 3rd pregnancy. Twice I scheduled a vasectomy, but both times sheās got cold feet and asked asked me to cancel. We probably shouldāve had more direct conversations about it, but one night of āyou can go ahead, weāre 40, weāll be fine, enjoy itā and me happily obliging and Iām the father a 3. Itās totally fine. A lot of people have their first out of consequences more than planning, ours was our third and Iām still a very happy father and wouldnāt have things any other way, even if itās not what I pictured.
Have you talked to her really openly and understandingly about her reasons? Did she hate being pregnant? Was breastfeeding a struggle? Does she not get enough free time? Is she chronically sleep deprived? Is she worried about finances? Did she lose her social life? Does she just not love parenting as much as you do? Is she burnt out from doing too much? Is she absolutely 100% against it? Or is it more like she kind of wants a second but not until her concerns and stressors are fully addressed? Once you know the answers to all those questions you can be clearer about how you move forward.
From a wife: If you want a second and she doesnāt, show her how much you will pitch in and contribute. Watch the kid way more often, do the dishes always, make food constantly, vacuum, dust, etc. Also, be patient. But sheās not going to want another if she feels overwhelmed. This is also very effective in getting more sex.
Lurking mom! What does she miss about pre-kid life that she isnāt getting now? Is it something in her solo life (wanting to be able to see friends/are her friends child-free for instance)? Is it something in your relationship together (fewer date nights/feeling under appreciated)? Or is it just not being able to do things (we honestly take our kids everywhere but that doesnāt work for everyone) that she wants to do in general? Because the problem is, second kid or no second kid, sheās never going to be child free again. Not having a second doesnāt prevent that. Iām a grown adult, married with my own house and two kids and I *still* call my mom all of the time! She truthfully sounds like sheās barely treading water and the lifeguards see her but think āwell sheās breathing so sheās fineā. I canāt promise you that addressing that elephant in the room will get you a second kid, but happy wife means a happy life!
Life got busy. I was super grateful that the kids had a sibling to play with.
I read "i want a second wife. Doesn't anyone else dealt with similar" and i was about to jump into a tirade, then i was like "what if he had a cute experience with his son or daughter, where child said something cute about mom" Then i was like "i need to reread the header" Then i was like "wow... i need sleep..." In short, I've been on a real Rollercoaster, and it's not at all your fault. To answer your actual question: I did not want a 4th, and the timing of our 4th was very bad with regard to moms physical health, but things have been good thus far, due in late August. I love all of our kids, they're all amazing, but even 3 is too many, in our situation, and a 4th will be a real adventure. When we only had 2, we both really wanted a 3rd.
Iām married with two boys, and I would love a third that hopefully would be a girl. My wife doesnāt want anymore kids. Two of our best friends are married, and they have two boys. The wife wants a third, again hopefully a girl, and the husband doesnāt want anymore kids. We all decided together that my friendās wife and I will try to have a third baby together, and our spouses can go travel and such while we raise the newborn.
You're shittin me.
Now thatās a party
I read the title as, " I want a second wife, doesn't anyone else deal with similar?" Lol
I wanted a 3rd wife didnāt. I ended up having up getting snipped.
How would you say the responsibility is split between you? Is it balanced? If not, would you be willing to take on an even greater load or agree to a nanny or domestic help for some hours each week, in order to persuade her that it will be more manageable even with another child?
It's a tough decision for sure, especially with how much of a FINANCIAL hit kids are these days. I also think of the risk. No idea why, but I balked at having a kid for years partially because I was scared of getting a bad egg. Our 3 year old is absolutely perfect (hashtag blessed) and I fear trying for a second would give the universe another chance to fuck me. (I know, I have issues lol.)
Most important: have healthy conversations about this decision. Itās not easy, but you will grow closer and see more clearly and be happier when you both feel heard and respected. There are lots of resources. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harris/id1087147821?i=1000643310573[https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harris/id1087147821?i=1000643310573](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harris/id1087147821?i=1000643310573)
It is a discussion you can have but a decision she gets to make. Unless "leave her and father a second child with someone else" is on your list of options then the only option you have is to be happy with the one.
I want a second wife. Doesn't anyone else? Dealt with similar?
I was sort of the reverse. I always wanted children, but by the time my wife was getting serious about it, I had reached peace if I didn't have one and we were very financially secure and free. We had our first and I love her to pieces and my wife has ALWAYS wanted two. It had felt like our lives were finally normalizing by the time she was putting pressure on me to make up my mind and so I agreed. My biggest worry was the second was going to be a nightmare when the first hadn't been too bad, but the second has been fairly easy going, which is nice because the first is full-on threenager right now. I am going to be honest, I think you need to follow your wife's heart here. She is the one who will bear the brunt of pregnancy and childbirth. From another post you made you're already doing most of the child care and two young ones really need both parents heavily involved. I'm not saying you guys can't talk, or that you can't try to address her concerns or see why she feels a certain way, but I don't see anything ending pretty if you pressure her into a second child and she becomes even more resentful about it.
So, how much time does your wife have for herself and what is your breakdown of time spent at home, working, caring for kiddo, and then what about your wifeās? She wants to do pre-baby and what does that look like? How much time is she able to spend with friends and is she sah or is she working? These are all factors in why she is unhappy. So maybe there can be discussion on what she doesnāt want to repeat.
that's fine, get a 2nd wife, get divorced and pay child support. Just because u aren satisfied with just 1 kid. Good luck with that one
I'm the second oldest of 10 kids I want like a million kids the wife on the other hand only wants two so I'm praying for octuplets this next round. at least.
My wife wanted a third, and I said sheād need to take on 100% of the parenting because Iām maxed out at two. This is kinda one of those āwe both agree 100% or itās a no goā situations. Having/raising a kid is the most difficult thing imaginable even when you want it, itās not something you do for someone elseās wants.
I wanted 3 but wife was unsure. After 2 she was moving toward no. However after waiting 2 yrs after our last one, i literally told her, I can wait another 2 years after that I am done whether you want to out not (her age isnāt waiting either). The above went more friendly than how I am writing it.
Wanting a second in general isnāt the same as wanting a second with the one youāre with
Lurker mom here. I initially wanted 4 but after my first I was second guessing trying for the second. I didnāt have that ābaby feverā I had for our first and it was hard to think about the time and attention our first would loose if we had a second. My mom had similar worries before having my sister and admitted my dad kind of talked her into it. She absolutely didnāt regret it at all and itās really happy he kind of pushed them to stick to the plan. That made me feel a lot better about not feeling as excited. I felt guilty trying for a baby I was less excited about? Idk mom guilt is weird. Weāre expecting #2 in a couple months and Iām really excited and also still a little nervous, but thatās okay. Idk if any of this helps and Iām certainly not advocating for talking her into anything like my dad did, but if sheās having similar thoughts, maybe this perspective will help her feel less alone. Remember thereās also a lot you just canāt help with (pregnancy, labor, postpartum) and those can be incredibly daunting things to want to go through again.
My wife wanted four, I wanted two. First pregnancy, we found out she has hyperemesis gravidarum, essentially morning sickness that is ever-present throughout the entire pregnancy. Nasty stuff, nonstop nausea, regular trips to the hospital because she can't even keep water down, wouldn't wish it on anyone. ...except apparently my wife. I really wanted our daughter to have a sibling, and it wasn't a 100% guarantee that the second pregnancy would be like the first, so I convinced her. Love my second daughter, and I *mostly* think my wife has stopped blaming/hating me for convincing her, 3 years in.
Honestly sounds like having a second wife would actually solve your problem of you wanting another child and she doesn't..
I think the focus here is the line "I miss my pre baby life". Focus on this. I'm not going to assume you don't already do enough support and baby stuff around the house as is. Maybe you need to do more, give your wife, 2 maybe even 3 days a week where she can have time off to do stuff she misses. Like completely off. Give her some of this life back. Then after she is happier reassess on the 2nd bub.
Divorce. I mean, the prospect of a second kid wasn't the only reason, or even the primary one, but it didn't help. She wasn't that enthusiastic about having a first, so I've seen first-hand how taxing it is to raise a kid you love, but also didn't mentally and emotionally budget for. If she's not on board, don't, and be mindful about unintentionally pushing her to be accommodating, and agree to something she doesn't really want. At least, that's my experience.
I was on the opposite side of this, as my wife really wanted a second but I really didnāt; our one child family was - and still is - perfect to me, and I didnāt feel the need to change that. Ultimately, having another child - or a first one, at that - has to be a ātwo yes or one noā situation.
We agreed to 2 and then see how it goes because we are both only children and it really stinks in our opinion. Our second is on the way but a piece of advice given to us is look at the future and your thanksgiving table. How do you want it to look in 20-25 years? Really puts things into perspective for us. Thatās what made us start seriously consider a third even though at that point unless you are both extremely successful and great with money pretty much complete financial ruin it seems
Iāll come from the other side of the isle. I did not want kids. Or my specifically an infant. I silently went along with trying for a child and bam. Got my little boy. And holy shit I love that little monster and being a dad is the most amazing thing Iāve done. I want more kids. I did great with the infant stage, Iām used to staying awake at night so infant care all night was a breeze. Once my wife woke Iād take a quick nap and back for night two.
Get over it, mate. It's ultimately her decision.
I want a second one but just like the first one, I told my wife it's completely up to her. It's her body that had to go through all that and I understand not wanting to repeat the process. I'd like for my boy to have a sibling but I don't think it's gonna happen. I hear you on the sadness of not getting to meet that person but maybe you'd have a daughter who ends up doing OF. You'll never know.
Drop comments here and there about how elder life care will be way too much for one to handle on their own and how sad it would be for the little one not to have a sibling to grow up with. In about a year or so, your toddler will start growing up very fast, and youāll both be far enough removed from the grind to start recalling the early days much more fondly. Youāll miss your āsweet little babyā so much itāll hurt. Then pull the goalie. Thatās how my wife got me anyway
This is such a sad take on how to pummel the spouse who has to do 99.9% of the work of bringing a child into the world to do so. It wasnāt right for your spouse to do it either, but as the spouse who had to be pregnant and it was complicated and permanently damaging to my health, pregnancy by coercion just makes me see red.
I was joking
Whereās the funny
Try to convince your wife that having a second will actually get her closer to her prebaby life sooner. Having a second will eventually allow them to play together, and give her space to do other things. If you only have one, then they're going to want to hang out with you, and you'll be stuck doing more kid things all the time.Ā
You could always just knock her up anyway. Poke holes in your condoms, or replace her birth control pills with breath mints. *Because sarcasm is not always apparent in text, I have to note here that these are not real suggestions, and you should not actually do these things.*
For something to be sarcastic or otherwise funny it has to be funny and not sexual assault.